#i think it does her well cause she keeps on surviving despite the abuse

[tenrose]

I killed a cactus (again)

[houseofglass]

Hi! You don't know me and I never saw your blog before. But I just saw your new post about Thanksgiving episode and wanted to say that yes, I agree with you. And yes, it will be absolutely unpopular opinion, you rarely see smth like this since it's a Buffy's show and people idolize her character. But you managed to capture the key points. They indeed write her this way. And the more I see their scenes (and I watch it not for the first time) the more such things irritate me. I think many like her because they feel sorry for her since it's always a lot of drama and because she is a girl in that forever drama.

And I think people should understand that it's not about "offending" a character so they need to "protect her", it's about the weird choice that the writers made. Because almost every time when you look at main characters they want you to love even there's always something questionable under the surface. Which they don't notice. Like they don't really understand what a really likeable person should look like (without people feeling sorry for them). They can write romanticism (a story) but then people will like IT but it's not about personalities. And look at Spike, they didn't particularly like him but he managed to be loved by many people. Despite all the intentional dirt. So it's more like they force people to like or hate smth using plot for that. To feel pity or disgust. Rather than wanting to learn what people love. And looking at their main author aka JW and knowing what kind of person he is if he doesn't know what it means to be a likeable and nice person how can he properly write such then?

Well put!

To clarify a little bit: the main character doesn't necessarily have to be likeable, but they do need to be compelling. After all, this is the character through which we are to view the world. In essence, they hold our hand as we navigate their world.

I wonder if people preferred Spike because he's a better rounded character. Buffy is Super Strong, One in a Generation, The Special One, while also being pretty, super smart (she scored high on SATs iirc, but plays a ditz by pretending she doesn't understand stuff), and popular. It's really hard to feel sorry for her when things go wrong for her.

To top that off: she doesn't seem to learn from her (few) failures. As an example, she dates unavailable men and is surprised when they aren't available to her every whim. So far she's done this twice, maybe she learns from it as the seasons progress. I'll keep watching to find out.

Spike, on the other hand, is an outright abusive asshole when we first meet him. He takes what he wants and manipulates people to get what he wants. He likely enjoyed Drusilla and Harmony because he could control them.

In the season 4 Thanksgiving episode, we see a different side of Spike. He can't cause harm, he can't eat, and this problem is initially framed sexually (this show is very sexual), by showing his impotence. What does he do? He tries to go to Harmony but she's kicked him out (rightfully so) so he goes to his enemy for help.

This trope, going to your enemy because they are the only one that can understand your situation, is compelling for a reason. This is ultimate vulnerability. To visit your enemy for help means you accept you may not survive the initial encounter, or that you may be giving your enemy ammunition for the future.

Spike has to learn how to adapt to his situation. While doing so, his character should change as well and give him dimension.

So far, Buffy hasn't had to adapt to any situations other than not being successful in keeping a man/boyfriend. Well, and adapting to college, I guess.

Sidebar: her virginity broke Angel? WTF? My partner explained it by saying Angel felt content or happy, truly and absolutely, and therefore the curse was enacted (or somesuch). But, HELLO, there's more to contentment than sex. And a virgin making you feel that powerfully content only reinforces the idea that you aren't very good at what you do. After all, the virgin (presumably) doesn't have much experience so they have nothing to compare the sex to, therefore, you are the greatest lover ever to walk the earth.

Anyway.

I realize the show is old now, almost 30 years old, and representative of another time, so I'm ragging on something that's out-of-date and has an established fandom. I could go on for a while about Stargate: Atlantis and how truly awful John Sheppard was as a character and how much I hated Rodney, but admit that by the end of the series, Rodney was the best character of all of them. Ronin (Jason Momoa) arrived and saved the show, similar to how this new Spike is saving Buffy.

[charalysis]

Alice Liddle: American McGee's Alice

MASSIVE TRIGGER WARNING: THESE GAMES AND THIS POST WILL BE DISCUSSING THEMES OF S.A, PEDOPHILIA, MURDER, MENTAL ILLNESS, SELF HARM, PROSTITUTION, AND MEDICAL ABUSE.

Alice Liddle of American McGee's Alice and its sequel, Madness Returns, is a severely mentally ill character in the games she stars in. She endures trauma after trauma, with next to no assistance, alone. In this post we will break down what happened to her, her reactions, and how she developed.

Disclaimer: Despite mental illness being the main theme here, I will not be attempting to diagnose Alice, as I am not professionally trained and she does not have an official, canon diagnosis of any kind. I will however make inferences.

For those unaware, American McGee's Alice is a horror twist on Alice in Wonderland, following the protagonist Alice. In this first game, you play as 18 year old Alice Liddle, who from eight years old to that point has been living in Rutledge Asylum in England. The game begins with the player introduced to the catalyst of Alice being in the asylum: a house fire.

In this fire, Alice is the only one to survive from her family, with her parents and sister, Lizzie, dying in the fire. This causes a massive snap in Alice's mind as she watches the house burn and townspeople surround her.

In this scene we are also introduced to the idea that Alice was likely already mentally ill, as when the fire begins, what wakes her isn't the smoke or screams, its Hatter and March Hare screaming in her dreams about the fire, begging her to wake up. (However, its likely it was just a framing device, but we do see its what woke her.)

From then on, Alice spent her time in the asylum, nearly comatose. She was catatonic and would only speak in shrieks and shrill screams. She'd have seizures and episodes of hysteria before falling unresponsive and mute again. Her doctor's notes also describe an incident where she "wielded a spoon like a knife and the orderlies, then turned the makeshift weapon in her own arms".

Needless to say, the fire that killed her family severely traumatized Alice, and she struggles heavily with possible PTSD and survivors guilt.

Alice in the first game also expresses suicidal ideation, or at the very least a passive desire to die. She's heard saying, "Save myself? From death, is that it? Is that why I've come here? I'm not afraid to die! At times I've welcomed death..."

And, "Everyone I love dies violently; unnaturally. I'm cursed! Why go on? I'll just hurt others."

The latter of these quotes is indicative of her guilt; it shows she blames herself for not just her her family's deaths, but others, and believes those she grows close to will also die horribly if they stay around her. She expresses she thinks people are better off without her.

In regards to Wonderlands occupants and how they relate to her fragile and broken psyche... American McGee has stated that all in some way represent her fragments mind and emotions. How, I don't think is explicitly stated beyond the Queen, but I have theories:

Cheshire: Her subconscious and manifestation of Dinah in her mind. Dinah lead her to safety in the fire, showing the way out. Chesh is guide that knows more than Alice consciously knows, but things she's got hidden in her mind. He tells her the clues she's seeing and picking up on subtleties she can't. That's why he uses riddles.

Hatter: Hatter is obsessive and rambling. He's a sort of representation of her doctor in the asylum, after all he runs one himself. He's paranoid and obsessed with time and loathes mechanical malfunctions. He may very well be a sort of ego aspect, where the Queen is super-ego. He could also likely be the manifestation of Alice's own paranoia and frustration surrounding her own "malfunctioning" mind.

Queen of Red Heart: She is Alice. She is the part of Alice that causes her the most grief and torment. She is what keeps Alice locked in her psychosis; a malevolent manifestation of super-ego. Cheshire compares her to a cancer in the body, which must be excised or Alice would die.

Jabberwock: A creature who taunts Alice and accuses her of not caring about her family. He is what taunts her about their deaths and says that she was, "in dream land taking tea with friends", and she, "couldn't be bothered". He is her guilt and self anger and he is there to remind her of this guilt constantly.

Caterpillar: He provides her wisdom giver. He takes things she sees and can help her recontexualize them. He is similar to Cheshire, but more to the forefront. He is also seemingly the calm part of her mind.

Tweedles: looking identical to the orderlies in Rutlidge, the Tweedles are cruel to Alice and lack any higher intelligence beyond orders. They are childishly cruel and likely have something to do with Alice's self punishment.

Rabbit: More obsessed with time than Hatter, Rabbit is a mostly absent guide who rushes ahead of Alice and he's very, very fidgety. He likely represents her conflict between anxiety and comfort. The comfort being from him being based on her favorite toy, and his face being easing to her. But he's very paranoid about time and danger.

Duchess: Initially a manifestation of the cruel nurse in charge of her, Nurse D, Duchess is a violent cannibal. It could be argued her outfit initially resembles a nurses outfit too. Later in the second game, she is seen in more revealing clothes and no longer eats people, and prefers pig now. Her "overbearing goodwill" and appearance now more represents her nanny, Nan Sharp.

While I do not believe these games are a 100% accurate depiction of mental illness and trauma, they do a good job showing the struggle between one's self and the inner machinations of their mind as they struggle with their mental health, and struggle to learn to cope on their own.

The second game is much better about the direct correlation between Alice's real struggles and Wonderland falling apart.

In Madness returns, we see an older Alice struggling in therapy as her doctor, Angus Bumby, tries to make her forget her past. She wants to forget everything rather than continue to struggle with it. We see she's still being abused and exploited by Nurse Witless, who's blackmailing her.

In Wonderland, we see the Corruption and the pollution destroying Wonderland piece by piece as the Dollmaker (Bumby's influence and brainwashing) takes over her mind bit by bit. We see her remembering her childhood and the past Bumby tried to erase, and we see her piece the truth together as she slowly banishes the Dollmaker.

By the end of MR, we see a confident Alice, the pieces of her fragmented life and mind put back together as Wonderland blossoms and Bumby dies via a train after Alice confronts him with his crimes.

Tl;Dr: While imperfect in their portrayal of mental illness, PTSD, and more, American McGees Alice And A:MR depict the grittiness, the despair, and the pain that can come with these things fairly well. It also depicts a woman struggling but succeeding in helping herself and bettering herself. These games revolve around facing your issues head on and healing. Their use of symbology is fantastic in my opinion.

[sweatertheman]

what im about to say is going to surprise a lot of people at first, but hear me out, i promise im going somewhere with this.

even though the snowgrave is an evil thing to do, removing someone's agency, seducing them into committing murder by taking advantage of their trust, causing them pain in order to make it easier to do... noelle actually comes OUT of the route a more developed person.

this isn't to say snowgrave is doing her a kindness, god no, but... you notice how different she acts regarding kris when all is said and done? she actually cares to notice something is wrong with them. then, questions why she didn't notice before. then, she decides she's going to DO something about it. this is something she doesn't do on a normal route (not yet, anyway) and is something which not only requires caring about the emotions and behavior of others, but also being confident enough in her ability to handle things that she's going to risk her own safety in order to help kris!

why does this happen? well, i think its gotta be the fact that snowgrave was fucking traumatic for her. and the thing that caused the trauma wasn't a big scary threat, it was herself. her own lack of care, her own lack of moral principles, her own lack of self-confidence which led her to be so easily manipulated. i'm not victim blaming here, she didn't deserve it, she wasn't asking for it, and i dont think she enjoyed it. but if noelle hadn't been so easily manipulated, snowgrave would've been impossible. what's more, it was by her own hand that everything happened. we just sat on the sidelines encouraging her. that's gotta fuck you up bad, realizing what evil you're capable of if you don't check yourself. thus, both due to the fact that having the maturity of a child enabled her abuse, and the fact that surviving through the abuse requires fortifying herself, noelle comes out of that experience changed into someone at least a little bit more grown. more empathetic, more confident, more capable of taking care of herself. you know, despite the trauma. she is forced to overcome.

but all this is kind of useless, right? you know, because of the trauma. of course forcing people into horrible situations forces them to either overcome or suffer the consequences, but then you commit moral atrocities and end up with a bunch of traumatized people who might suffer long term side effects and potentially end up less stable as a result. so, how can we take this and apply it to NOT murdering people?

well, the core principle here is the following. people grow when faced with adversity. whether they succeed for fail, they come out of the experience changed. they will have had new experiences which they can use to better overcome new challenges, they will have aquired new skills, they will have learned new things. the greater the adversity, the larger the potential gains, but also the larger the potential for long term damage which negates those gains. whether or not you fail is irrelevant to whether or not you will come out of an experience broken. pushing yourself harder than you can handle will come with a lot of pain to heal, even if you succeed. its just like fighting enemies in a game. the higher level enemies you fight, the better loot and more XP you get, but the less HP and MP you have.

noelle has faced very little adversity in her life, thus her imaginary PERSONAL GROWTH LEVEL is still very low. there are (prior to snowgrave) three main things which have caused her strife. the neglect and abuse of her mother, the loss of dess, and rudy's sickness. her mother's abuse was a formative experience for noelle, which taught her that to keep herself safe, she should simply obey what other people tell her. in the game of personal development, noelle lost the fight, gained a little experience, but got too scared to fight the boss again. what she learned from that as a child is that conflict is scary and that she should avoid it wherever she can. bad lesson to be taught so young. the loss of a family member is a lot even for adults to take, let alone neglected children. as happened with her mother, noelle came out of the experience beaten, and became too scared to try and overcome. so, she gained a little experience, and learned another lesson. rely on other people whenever you can. she was small and afraid and couldn't take care of herself while dealing with dess' loss, but even years after the fact she hasn't taken that step back out to face the world herself. she's still level one in the game of personal development. and rudy's sickness is also of note, in how it causes her to avoid progressing the main quest in the aforementioned game altogether. what noelle wants now is total escape into a world with no stakes, one where nothing can touch her. she wants escapism, because she doesnt knoe how to handle adversity, because she never grew emotionally past the level of a child.

so, what does noelle really need, if not murder? well, what she needs is a small, managable level of adversity, something preferably with some level of urgency, but that doesn't actually require more of noelle than she can give. the Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance METAL GEAR RAY fight of the game of personal development. what noelle needs is...

Queen!

that's right deltarune people! i have successfully reproduced The Thing Most Of You Probably Understood Because It Was Literally The Whole Point Of Chapter 2! that standing up to queen helped noelle develop! woo!

but, lets actually look at what's going on mechanically here. queen has indeed threatened the lives of noelle's friends if she resists. the consequences for failing to resist however is being queen's slave. its scary stuff! but as soon as noelle actually stands up to queen, and says "NO. I do not want to do this!" ... it all stops. Queen goes "Oh Okay Sorry LOL" and just leaves Noelle alone. this encounter demanded that noelle do something small, something scary, but not something she wasn't capable of doing. and it rewards her massively for doing it, by completely ending the conflict, probably making her feel like a badass, and teaching her a valuable lesson, which is that she is strong enough to stand up to adversity, and that by trying, she can succeed. this is exactly the kind of thing which would prime noelle to grow more as a person, to start working up over time to face The Big Three.

...that is, if it weren't for susie telling noelle it was all just a dream. that immediately does critical damage to the integrity of the lesson, because now noelle likely thinks (subconsciously, anyway) that the reason everything worked out so well is because it was a dream, a pure fantasy where she got to go on a Totally Romantic For Real ferris wheel ride with susie. if she tried that stunt for real, noelle is thinking, surely it wouldn't work. real life is hard, real life is scary. it may have only INCREASED noelle's desire for escapism!

that's not to say that it didn't help a little bit, im sure it has, but it still put a serious dent in her development, a dent that might hurt everyone later down the line. noelle not being told it was a dream would have substantially improved her relationship with kris, shown her she's more capable than she realizes, ended her ongoing weird thing with berdly, probably helped her see susie as more than just an object of affection, maybe even given her a sense of pride in being a hero. but, because of susie's need to keep people at arm's length, because she fears people getting too close, noelle has to forget. it really sucks.

all this to say, noelle better get some god damn character development in her or she might end up causing more catastrophes to happen through inaction. and also don't abuse troubled youth, it isn't actually very helpful.

[starzii]

If you think about it, with everything he’s been through, doesn’t remember and the way he was treated by his team members before Uzi, it was probably just to get the drone version of some sort of dopamine in his system when everything was well…shit. Before Uzi, N didn’t have it good at all, he was lonely and probably very unhappy, but tries to repress it with looking at the things the humans left behind, probably trying on outfits or doing things to pass the time (V never looked like she did this before the prom episode because she looked super stunned to do it all and probably used the facade of “not feeling anything” when killing as sort of a repression method).

With N, the whole “get it over with and move on”, seems to be this big thing with him of repression and not taking things in, which is sort of changing with him over the course of the most recent episodes as character development, of WANTING to stay and actually process things now he has Uzi to do it around safely. So maybe the reason he has kind of dropped the concept of killing previously giving him that rush is simply because he found that rush of happiness through Uzi being his friend (or whatever untapped emotions he may or may not have) and has a chance to have some sort of stability and dopamine.

N is kind, he seems to be good at making friends and is very caring for others. He isn’t “oil thirsty” and where there may have been a time that he was, it wasn’t for what you think. It was because he was trying to be happy in any way he could when he was used to being in a survival mode, unstable environment that would cause him to need that rush. He also needs oil in order to survive, or he would overheat and die per JCJENSON or CYN making that a rule in their biology (depending on episode 5 is completely true or not), so it’s another thing causing a survival mode behavior in him. He is so used to repressing everything that he most likely just got used to the killing per his situation for that dopamine rush to feel happy for just a bit before he went back to that reality. Even if it does turn out he killed Nori for example, he most likely was SO used to that rush and was trying to repress all that emotion of “oh no I just killed someone” at this point that he just wasn’t in a right frame of mind to say “hey I can find other sources of dopamine and rushes” along with his situation, you know? So I wouldn’t really blame him for doing so, especially if he doesn’t even remember when or where he was in that state of mind.

Not saying him killing wasn’t horrible, but there’s a clear reason for him doing all that he does these things and behaves certain ways that while they weren’t healthy, it was all he had at the time. Just like V and the way she got dopamine, she repressed her feeling bad for killing and went sort of insane from what she had to go through/remember, but she got the rush from killing just like N may have and using it as a game. Just like J possibly making her monologues and her toxic loyalty to the company making her get that dopamine rush of possible praise from those above her. Just like Uzi, using her inventions, mysteries and whatever else she likes to get dopamine when everyone else bullied or neglected her in the colony. Even Tessa used her drones to get through the abuse the parents put her through and not having many friends it seems, she found her rush through repairing and giving drones a life, as well as making friends with them.

They all had things to get them through rough times, and I think part of this show is that despite differences race or species or class, everyone deserves to have support and friends that help get them through hard times and sometimes when we don’t have that support through the hard times, we’ll be coaxed to do some weird things. Basically stick with each other to make the world better despite differences or view and work together.

(They probably will already, but on the off chance things keep getting worst in the show for our characters and we just keep getting tramua and angst and misunderstandings and arguements, like in the show Arcane, then it’s a total reflection of the world we live in atm, which would suck)

This was a long rant, I’m sorry 😅 I just wanted to add my own thoughts to this theory!

I think I've come up with the perfect middle ground between "N has always disliked killing Worker Drones and only ever did so out of duty/survival" and "N is every bit as oilthirsty as J and V and if it wasn't for his kind nature and friendship with Uzi he'd still be killing people."

Consider: N didn't enjoy the killing itself, it was the thrill of the hunt he really craved. The only reason he's so relatively quick with his kills is, well, if he's already caught his prey then the hunt's over, no point in dragging it out, right? Might as well end it now and move onto the next so he can get that rush again, y'know?

[modgirlyreposts-revamped]

Kamiko and Minori are kind of this fangan's naegiri or maybe kuzuhina the way Rian and Alice are its saimatsu, in terms of personalities (Kamiko is cold, calculating and mean, Minori is determined and hardworking but not naively positive, Rian is uncertain of himself, though he's more emotional than Shuichi, and Alice, while more emotionally distant than Kaede, is kind and positive)

Kamiko is basically the cold, shielded person I've told you about before, but I don't think I've explained Minori, so a quick rundown: she has a very "driven by sheer force of will" personality. She's brave, outgoing and analytical, but also compassionate and always willing to help. She basically felt as though everyone around her was just letting things go to shit without closure or justice, so she got her start as a detective by solving a missing person case in her area, successfully proving the victim had been kidnapped by his abusive girlfriend but may have still been alive, and giving the police her findings saved the boy. Minori was renowned as a massive hero, especially for the way she promised the boy he didn't owe her anything for saving him but that she couldn't stand the refusal to "dwell on the bad" like that wasn't almost all there was. She isn't an optimist, really, but she wants to believe she can fix things, and she fears being helpless more than anything, even death.

Minori's hardworking personality endears her to Kamiko, who challenges her to push herself harder as Minori does to her. They develop a mutually beneficial relationship that grows into infatuation, as Minori is either really bad at hiding her attraction to Kamiko or just doesn't care (she's bad at it.) Kamiko, however, feels like she can't grow attached to someone else, because focusing on anything but her academic talent will cause her to stumble and fall and lose everything. Minori thinks if anything, anything at all, she deserves to have the one normal teenage experience of falling in love, which kind of drives a rift in their relationship that comes through in Minori's frustration with those around her, as after chapter 2 she has a completely justified meltdown, screaming at everyone that they're all idiots dooming themselves to their own deaths with their selfishness, which is especially directed at Kamiko and Heiran. With a proper understanding of Minori's character, that whole sequence becomes really upsetting. Especially with the notion that the stress of it all literally makes her physically ill as she's later found in one of the bathrooms throwing up. It's literally so much, she puts herself through so fucking much trying to save everyone else.

The real tragedy is, though, after chapter 2, she realizes how deep this whole thing runs. It makes it apparent that she is not going to find the mastermind and make it out alive, and she has to tread carefully to make sure the others don't die because of her. She withdraws and is unsure, just trying to get from day to day without telling anyone she's on the verge of giving up. The fear of giving up is her only driving force, and she wants to make sure she does something, anything- it's the only reason she can survive. If she ever stopped moving, if she ever stopped trying, she may as well die- and she probably would. It would be a slow and painful death on so many levels, so she keeps pressing forward, keeps searching, keeps fighting, keeps watching over everyone. She's quick to forgive Kamiko after she's apologized to Masumi for her behavior, not wanting to hold grudges. She doesn't want to be complicit in anything bad happening to Kamiko because she didn't care enough. She has to help everyone, she tells herself. She has to save them. Is she supposed to just look away from the bad? She fucking can't. She has to save them.

The last three nights before her death, she sleeps with Kamiko. Not in a suggestive sense, in a literal one. It happens simply- Minori knocks on her door gently just before nighttime, and despite Kamiko's hesitation to attachment, she agrees to let Minori share a room with her. One night, then the next, then the next, and then on the fourth she's gone. They find her floating in a water heater.

Kamiko burns her hands trying to fish her corpse out of the 130 degree water. She barely manages to grab her coat, but her clothes and hair are so waterlogged she can barely lift her at all, and can't get her out of the water. She only tries once before the pain is too much to bear. She's devastated, but can't show it. She refuses to show it. She can't give up. She can't stop moving. She can't stumble and fall now. She's already lost Minori, she can't risk figuring out what else she could possible have left to lose.

The nighttime announcement has gone off. They aren't allowed to investigate. Kamiko is a panicked mess, trying to figure out how to fix it. Every instinct in her body is telling her to retreat.

When she gives in to it, Rian walks her to her dorm. She loved Minori, she loved her so fucking much, but it wasn't enough. Minori's determination wasn't enough, Kamiko's love wasn't enough, it wasn't enough. It devastates Kamiko. All she fucking wants is to get Minori back.

Even years later in the sequel, Kamiko is suspected by other characters of being the mastermind looking to avenge Minori's death at the hands of everyone who failed to save her, leading to a scene that has lowkey crushed me to write where Kamiko, still emotionally repressed and just trying to move forward and live a better life, breaks down being reminded of it all, and admits she would have done anything she could to save her. Looking back on it, she wishes with everything in her that she'd just let her hands burn to useless wrecks to get Minori's corpse out of the water heater, or gone with her when she left early in the morning to help her, or just grabbed her by the arm and asked her to stay, but nothing, nothing will ever be enough, nothing will bring her back- Kamiko failed her, and nothing she could do would or could ever avenge her because Minori's death was her failure. She sees it as a failure, and she has held it against herself from the moment they opened the lid of that tank and found her body inside.

The devastation it causes her literally makes her contemplate suicide out of sheer grief. When Rian goes after Alice, she sees for a moment in the heat waves and the terror in Rian's eyes the night they found Minori dead. She sees herself in Rian's desperation, and sees Minori in the burning heat he runs back into to save Alice. It's why she stays. She can't run anymore. She can't evade and just try to survive. She has to be there. She'll wish for the rest of her life that she could have done that for Minori, her first real love, but she follows what Minori would have done in that moment.

In her future design, she wears a blue jacket similar to the green one Minori always wore. The loss weighs on her constantly. The memory hurts, but it comforts her. She knows she's lucky her hands weren't damaged by that one moment of stupidity she dodged out of- Alice and Rian, bearing possibly permanent burn scars, weren't as fortunate. She will forever wish she did. She doesn't want Minori to just be a memory, not yet. Sometimes it feels like she'll forever be that sixteen year old girl with braided hair, her face burning bright red an avoiding eye contact as Minori laughed, gently clasping Kamiko's hand in her own. Minori was everything to her. She has to move on, but she'll love her forever.

She watches the fire, begging to herself that Rian at least will come out. She can't leave. Her own bare-bones survival has taken backseat. She needs them.

I went from 😀 to 😦 so quickly, since I apparently forgot that this is a fan made Danganronpa-

I relate to Kamiko a lot, so that’s most likely why Minori’s body discovery got me fucked up, since if that happened to someone I loved that much, I would react almost exactly like Kamiko

[calico-strawberry]

I think now that I've completed the main story of Reborn(currently on the early sections of the post game, caught the Regis at least), I wanna actually go more in depth into Allyson and her background and whatnot.

Some trigger warnings to abuse, because she did have a very unfortunate childhood. Also long post.

So, Allyson is the only daughter to a very wealthy pair of celebrities from Unova, but was barely known to the public beyond the fact she existed. Her parents wanted her to become a star as well, and from a fairly early age she was forced to do all sorts of training and diets for when she'd be a star. Thing is, she hated it, and wanted nothing to do with being an actor, and would sabotage her own auditions to avoid getting casted. This unfortunately, caused her parents to A. remove her from public appearances, and B. Started to verbally abuse her as well, being seen as and called a "failure". Her parents frequently masked this abuse as being "for her own good".

When she was about 15, she realized she was trans, and attempted to move to being out, but alas this only caused her treatment to get worse. Her father even using his Pokemon to act as punishments anytime she did something "wrong". This is where the majority of her scars came from, and since she was more or less hidden from public, her state was never really found out. She became extremely depressed, and she'd be forced to endure this until she was well into being an adult.

Allyson had a dream of being a Pokemon trainer, and watching battles and the like online from the champions and gym leaders of various regions inspired her. She spent a lot of time studying battles and strategies. She had always imagined herself being strong, having big and cool intimidating Pokemon as her partners. Frankly the dream kept her going, and the hope she'd be able to be a trainer herself made her determined to survive. Allyson also took up music, and has taught herself several instruments, and is also an area she wishes to get good at.

Eventually, when she was 20, she found an opportunity to escape from her home, and stealing some money from her parents, took it and ran. Her parents attempted to find her, seeing as she is essentially a liability to their careers, but she managed to evade them and the police. Allyson was homeless for more than a year, but she did manage to get by surviving thanks to the money she stole, and taking advantage of Pokemon Centers. She also managed to start transitioning during this time. But because all of her money was going towards not starving and keeping herself clothed for the most part, she never really got the opportunity to become a trainer.

Of course, eventually she had heard about Reborn, a region known for how challenging it's gym challenge was. Gathering the last bit of money she had, she bought a ticket to Reborn and from there the main story begins, where she picks her starter, Fiery the Charmander.

Due to her childhood, her ability to socialize certainly wasn't great, but her time between escaping and getting to Reborn helped her a bit. Allyson had decided to keep a very positive attitude despite it all, but she started out being very meek and quiet, and always felt obligated to be useful. Even after the main story has been finished, she's still more meek and easily startled than you'd expect someone who dresses and carries herself the way she does would be, and especially for the Champion of a region. That being said, she can be very aggressive if she's mad, and isn't afraid to put her fist into someone's face if they directly upset her (meteor grunt who shoved Shelly at Ametrine was seeing Duckletts for days). Has a lot of pent up anger.

As far as her relationships with Reborn's cast goes, I won't mention everyone because obviously the cast is a bit too big to do so and this post is already long, but I'll mention some of the important ones that'd be different from canon MC.

For most of the characters younger than her, such as Shelly, Heather, Charlotte, etc., she's very caring and encouraging to them, and a little bit protective, even if she knows damn sure some of them can take of themselves. She's good friends with Victoria and Cain, and with Fern she thinks he's a little bitch but like, doesn't really hate him. Started to see Taka as a friend, until he got a little uh... Stabbed, but after that she does consider him a good friend as well. For the most part everyone else not on Team Meteor (excluding Ace, she vibes with them for the most part), she's on at least good terms with (well, except Amaria, but ya know) even if she's not really friends with them. Notable exception is Saphira who, while she of course also friends with, she's absolutely in love with her. Only people in Reborn's cast she feels extremely negatively to is Sigmund (re: her own backstory), who she hates to an almost extreme degree, and Sirius Clark, who's just a bitch.

[linkspooky]

Tall Buildings Falling Down

It’s especially important that Uraraka was the one to hear this, a hero overhwhelemd by the demands of saving people, deciding to just give up and quit his job. Important because, out of all the characters in class 1-A Uraraka is unique for two reasons. One, Uraraka is perhaps the only student in her class who admitted she’s in the hero business for the money, she joined because it’s a lucrative job. 

Second, despite the fact that Uraraka only wanted to become a hero for the money, she idolizes heroes just as much as the rest of her class does. This has led Uraraka to question herself as times, because she doesn’t believe her motivations for being a hero are as good as the rest of her classmates. 

Uraraka is also attached to the overly idealized image of heroes that was sold to the rest of her classmates, that heroes always save people, that heroes are righteous, heroes are good and everything that gets in the way of heroes is bad. Heroes are here to protect us, heroes make people happy. Uraraka carries this overly idealized image of heroes inside of her.

However, ideals always fall short of the reality. When Uraraka saw Deku struggling with all of his might, that’s when the first cracks began to appear. Because Deku, he was hurting himself even as they fight Chiaki. 

Who protects the heroes when they need protecting? I think Uraraka means this especially in regards to Deku. Being a hero is hurting Deku. Deku pushes himself to such an extent that he breaks his body over and over again. Being a hero is supposed to be a good thing, but under the current system even being a hero causes Deku to suffer because it requires so much out of him, he must continually break his body again and again in order to keep up with the others. All Deku thinks of is saving others, he’s more heroic than most, and yet, the current system isn’t designed to stop this behavior. More than anything else it’s focused on strength, on Deku learning to strengthen his quirk, not learning how to take care of himself. The system values powers over people, but Uraraka is so empathic she sees Deku as a person and notices that he’s suffering because of it. All Deku wants is to be a hero, but what is a hero under the current system? Someone strong enough to win and beat all the bad guys. 

It’s clear that in hero society, heroes are valued much more for winning, rather than saving. When saving is what is needed especially in this chapter. Uraraka sees someone who became a hero for all the wrong reasons, just giving up and quitting. In the same chapter where Uraraka’s thoughts are literally just, there must be more people, there must be more people I can save, just over and over again. 

Uraraka herself has become more and more selfless, as she’s progressed as a character, more focused on saving people especially after watching Deku push himself to such extremes in the name of saving others. However, that’s not necessarily true for the adults around her. Uraraka who began all of this by just seeing heroics as a job, sees an adult who just treats it like a job too, giving up. 

As buildings are falling down all around her, Uraraka’s idea of heroes begin to fall too. To be fair, no one person could ever deal with a disaster of this magnitude all on their own. Society’s expectations of heroes were too high in the first place, no one can be perfectly selfless all the time, the perfect savior that saved everyone that all might tried to create was never going to save everyone. However, at the same time heroes get away with a lot, because people uncritically see heroes as “good” no matter what they do, to the point where the kids rejected any and all criticism of the heroes around them. However, in this chapter after fighting with everything they had to defend those same heroes, they meet the disappointing reality. 

The same adults who brought Kaminari Denki to the battelfield when he wasn’t ready, because they weren’t strong enough to fight the evil on their own, who insisted that they needed to fight the villains in this surprise ambush and start with war. 

The same adults that told them everything would be alright, that the heroes would always win, that they would go home and go back to school after all of this are now lying dead in the ruins of the cities they failed to save. 

ANd, what are we meant to take from this? Heroes can’t save everyone, that’s obvious. Heroes are flawed and make flawed choices. However, the students in looking up to their teachers idealize them a little too much, to the point where it becomes impossible for them to accept any criticism of the heroes. 

However, the kids are starting to see that heroes aren’t perfect. Theymake mistakes. They’re flawed. The problem with the kids isn’t that they liked heroes, it’s that their ideals were completely black and white. Heroes good, villains bad. Heroes always save people. Heroes can’t ever be selfish, self-serving, or flawed as the rest of us, because well they’re heroes. 

If heroes are supposed to save people, then what about the people they don’t save? That’s the question that Himiko brings to Uraraka, however, Uraraka can’t even understand the question. In Uraraka’s idealized reality there is no situation where heroes fail to save someone. Heroes are always well-meaning. Heroes always do their best to save others. There’s nobody who’s been failed, or even hurt by heroes. Uraraka doesn’t understand that people like Himiko have been disappointed and failed by heroes over and over again, and some of them like Dabi have been outright abused. Uraraka cannot understand that the heroes that are helping her, the quirk therapy system that never hurt her, could have harmed someone so thoroughly as it did Himiko that she believes that the only way to survive is to fight back and even kill. Uraraka just hasn’t seen a reality where heroes fail to save people. In Uraraka’s world, heroes are good, heroes are selfless, heroes are kind. Himiko can’t possibly have a reason. If Himiko wants to hurt people, she must have chosen to do that on their own. If Himiko wants to hurt people then she must be a bad person.

Heroes save people, so if Himiko questions heroes, or tries to fight back against them, then Himiko is just getting in the way. Then Himiko is just being selfish. She’s putting her own needs, and her own hurt feelings over all of those innocent people that are in need of saving. See, Uraraka can’t understand that heroes can hurt people too, so she doesn’t understand that someone like Himiko who has been hurt by the heroes, by the people supposed to save her, might be in need of saving. 

Uraraka can’t perceive of a reality where heroes would disappoint, or would hurt others. So, Uraraka’s declaration is partially made in ignorance. She says that Himiko has to live with the consequences of her actions, but Uraraka at the same time isn’t living in the same reality that Himiko is. She’s been protected, sheltered so far, and her point of view comes from that fact. The same system that helped Uraraka, has also hurt Himiko, and Uraraka can’t grasp that. Uraraka first fails to save Himiko, and then this chapter she’s met with the same thing. 

Uraraka learns the harsh truth in this chapter. That not all heroes are invested in saving other people as she is. That not all of them are doing this out of the goodness of their hearts. 

If a hero can stare at this wreckage where so many innocent people are screaming for help, and then just give up. Just say, it’s too hard to save all these people. How many kids in this wreckage are going to get helped? How many are the heroes going to take care of? How many are they just going to give up on because it’s too hard? The thing is, every single kid in this broken down city could turn into another Himiko, because people aren’t good or bad. Circumstances are good and bad, they shape people in good and bad way. The same way that the children asking for help in this city are victims of circumstance, Himiko too was just another victim of circumstance, just another child that didn’t get saved. The only difference between her and the others is that she grew up and fought back. 

Heroes don’t save everyone and something needs to be done about that. Heroes aren’t perfect, however, closing your eyes to that reality and pretending they are, pretending that everything just fine means that nothing is going to change and nothing is going to improve. It’s only when the kids see the flaws in the adult heroes around them, that they can see how they as the next generation can be better than them. Go beyond plus ultra, right? If this manga is about becoming the best hero you can be. Then, the kids should be thinking about how they can save, even the ones that the adult heroes have given up on saving. 

[morsking]

uhhhhhh to better grasp why rin is a host for both ishtar and ereshkigal and why sakura is a host for both kama and parvati you’re gonna have to read the vn since that is the only place where you will be treated to the different dimensions of both their characters and dispel any illusions and misunderstandings the ubw anime created (about rin in particular). i can explain it well but if you have the ability to, you should read the vn to really let it sink in and appreciate things more organically.

there are times in the anime where rin feels like a caricature of herself since she appears so confident and fun-loving and tsundere about it (the vn sometimes does this too but manages to balance things out a little better) that it overshadows how rin is also in her own way extremely repressed. 

rin, while fashioning herself the ruler of her own world and a competent genius is still someone shackled to her duty as the last living tohsaka heir and denies herself a more profound and fundamental happiness because she reasons so long as she is the tohsaka heir, she can never be sakura’s sister, and wrongfully believes that sakura has moved on without her and belongs with the matous oblivious to what zouken has done to sakura for almost 11 years because it’s easier to think that sakura doesn’t care about her anymore than to confront all she’s taught and has lived for for so long is wrong and that she has a chance to make it right. rin however finds ways to keep running into sakura just enough that her true desires betray her efforts at keeping her distance, and if sakura just said “you are my sister, please let’s live together again” no doubt rin would be so torn to hesitate yet so hopeful to as to want it to be real. 

rin’s apparent emotional independence and reputation is a product of her purposefully distancing herself from making any real human connections because she has no idea how to be emotionally available from years of stifling aristocratic conditioning. if she puts herself on a pedestal, it’s easier for others to not approach her and see through her facade. apart from that, as much fun as rin could possibly have by herself there is still something that will keep her from feeling truly fulfilled, and that’s the lack of opportunity (and emotional bravery) to reconcile with sakura. it’s also easier to forsake sakura and threaten to kill her when she’s out of control because acknowledging the horror of killing her own sister would break her own convictions and denounce her, and the tohsakas, as murderers and frauds. ishtar is that side of rin that finds being herself and living as the person in charge of her own existence. ereshkigal is the unhappy part of rin that yearns for more than what she’s been given but feels too guilty and too bound by responsibility to seek it out, and therefore denies herself her wish to connect with the person who would make all the difference in the world (sakura for rin, guda for eresh). 

sakura is a naturally kind, gentle, yet strong-willed individual who has experienced that which would break and utterly annihilate most at a spiritual level. sakura only survived what she did because her mental fortitude, much like shirou’s, is so exceptional she will always retain her sense of self even if pushed to the very brink of suffering. despite that, she grew up extremely bitter, depressed, and with a disposition that utterly gave up on the world that abandoned her to the point where she wished others to fail and suffer at whatever they endeavored. if her life was pointless and fruitless as to be thrown away, why shouldn’t everyone else’s be too? 

it’s really not until she met shirou that she began to change her mind and desire to have more than just numbness. a boy who just wouldn’t give up no matter how many times he couldn’t clear that jump, and accepted the outcome without regrets, second-thoughts, and self-loathing left such a deep impression on sakura that she wanted that thoughtless drive to live freely and greet tomorrow as a given to be hers as well. 

little by little the broken doll with lifeless eyes restored more and more of her inner kindness and good faith, both because she gained a will that did more than just curse, and because there was someone who showed her what a real home, a real family looked like so she’d believe in love and happiness again. but much like rin, sakura struggled to believe she deserved happiness. years of abuse crushed sakura’s self-esteem, and thought her suffering made her unlovable and unnatural. her desire to be both loved and pitied clashed against one another, and were also contradictingly one and the same. it would be easy to be pitied, that means she would’ve been right about her hatefulness all along and she can just fade away along with the pain her baggage might’ve caused others. but if she’s loved, then how will she ever make herself worthy of it? how could she ever justify to herself that she’s being given love that hasn’t been earned? and even worse, what if she’s given love that can be lost?

sakura hides all the things that risk her losing all the love she’s accumulated, a desperate selfish tactic employed by a scared girl deathly afraid to lose the only light she’s ever known. if all her anger, bitterness, cowardice, jealousy, scars, and self-hatred were exposed, what would shirou think of her? once he does find out what she’s gone through, she pushes him away. she really believes she’s done for and has nothing else to come back to. even as shirou keeps asserting he does still want her in his life, she keeps hurling all the terrible things she’s done to him and herself without him knowing: that because he’s kiritsugu’s kid she spied on him for zouken, that she used him to run away from zouken and shinji, that she tried to kill herself, that she’s not a virgin, all to get him to reject her for good while guiltily clinging to the hope that he will still choose to love her in spite, or because of all that.

even after sakura’s killed shinji by accident and transforms into dark sakura, a part of herself is weak towards shirou. a part of herself lashes out when he’s around because she’s still rejecting him hoping he’ll forsake her so he’ll live without getting hurt by her while also begging for him to see how much she’s suffering so he’ll save her, going so far at the end that she tells rin to run away with shirou, having decided to kill herself alongside the grail. rin however, sees through sakura’s attempt to earn pity, but in her own fit of duty-induced forced apathy threatens to kill sakura herself before sakura has the chance to wipe herself out (jesus, rin) rather than comfort her and tell her she wishes for her to live. rin though fails to follow through with her plan. just as she overpowers sakura, she throws away all her lies and embraces her sister, telling her how she really feels, and the very first sincere expression of love her sister has shown her in a decade is enough for sakura to stop dead in her tracks and crumble in grief until shirou arrives to save her and insist that she deserves to live so that all the suffering she both caused and experienced and all the people she devoured can be given meaning. this parallels into how kama as beast iii/L wishes to render all love obsolete by drowning the universe in love to the point where all love becomes meaningless and kama no longer has to be hurt by love, with their defeat marking a change in their beliefs about the world and themself.

parvati tells you as much that she’s taken over sakura’s good side. she’s the earnest hardworking woman who is full of benevolence and enthusiasm after her purpose has become clear. however, what parvati doesn’t understand is that sakura’s good qualities are intermixed with her darker ones and fundamentally cannot ever be truly separated, and that’s why parvati also connects with sakura’s tendency to hide the ugly things about herself out of fear she’ll be rejected, and that it’s wrong and harmful for her to do that to sakura as much (if not worse) as it is for sakura to do it for herself alongside all the people that could be affected by that dishonesty. 

apart from the obvious gross reasons, there is in fact a good justification for kama’s ascensions in fgo. their ascensions go from child to adolescent to adult to demonstrate that kama has a parallel to sakura’s personal growth. they are both individuals who, after being betrayed by their own kind (the gods and the tohsakas) and having their bodies destroyed (kama becoming the cosmos, sakura being devoured by crest worms and having her dna rewritten), have lost faith in who they were before and the world around them. kama starts out in sakura’s child body: the young girl who was sacrificed for a greater purpose and whose heart has been filled with depression, cynicism, and hatred for the world around her. their childish disposition however, marks that kama has truly been reborn and is going through the process of recreating their identity after it was shattered by trauma. 

when kama is in sakura’s adolescent form, that signals that much like sakura around that age, they still cling to some anger and bitterness, but have begun to ease into forming new connections and their desire to be identified with love becomes complicated as it is both heavily resisted yet profoundly wanted. it is kama at their peak self-loathing, directing hatred to themself as much as their child form did to everyone else.

when kama shifts into sakura’s final adult form, it marks the period where they both have had some of their faith renewed in their existence. while it is still very difficult for them to truly know what love is and whether or not they’ve earned it, they nonetheless make it clear they want to believe in it again with the help of the person they’ve placed their trust upon (shirou for sakura, guda for kama). as the god of love, for kama to learn what love is is for kama to once more understand what it is to love themself again, and like sakura at the end of heaven’s feel finish constructing their brand new identity and move forward in a way that their happiness and reforged self-confidence can dignify their suffering and make up for all the damage they caused others and themselves.

this isn’t to say that pseudos as a concept are inherently good or anything. they are still very flawed because when mishandled for fanservice (and it happens a LOT) they do far more to displease both fans of the mythological figures and fans of the original fate/stay night characters simultaneously than to appease them both by robbing all characters involved of their complexities. regardless, that doesn’t mean that these gods wearing the faces of these girls is entirely pointless, lazy, and thoughtless. on the contrary, these girls were chosen because of all the different facets they have that match their possessors’ demeanors and themes, and i hope that this knowledge can help people see the connection with more clarity.

[yanderenightmare]

Hello, I have been looking at your content and I must say that I really like the way you write and I hope you are doing well.I don't know if your applications are open now but I want to give you an idea, how would the yanders react if their beloved has depressive periods and low self-esteem?It may be a bit of an anguish at first but I would like how they would react, use it on purpose or go soft on their beloved.

yandere ! BNHA headcannons

Support me at KO-FI if you feel like it<3

goodiebag WARNINGS: depression, self-harm, abuse, manipulation, abuse, profanity, amnesia, anxiety, panic-attacks, arson, bipolar disorder, blood, death threats, eating disorder, guilt, kidnapping, Stockholm syndrome, mental illness, mind control, paranoia, noncon, dubcon, starvation, suicidal ideation, trauma

BAKUGO KATSUKI - KACHAN

MELANCHOLIA –

She’s always biting her tongue, the inside of her cheek, her lip. So much so, he doesn’t even know what her lip normally looks like without it being bloated and swollen and red from having her teeth sink into to it. He’s okay with her chosen silence as long as she answers when she’s spoken to, which she does, lacking the will to refuse, knowing it will only cost her valuable energy, energy she needs in case Bakugo decides he wants to rip the breath from her lungs while he hunches over her, his hips snapping into her again and again, ramming at a pace so rough she both dreads it and welcomes it, for on the one hand it’s exhausting and she always wakes up with aches in the morning, yet on the other hand he makes her appreciate breathing which is always a nice reminder when she often times wonders what tranquility would be found in not breathing whatsoever.

He doesn’t want to confront her about it, sensing how she might not enjoy confrontation all that much, and not really wanting the whole ordeal to result in making her cry at the mere sound of his voice. He won’t alter the volume or the roughness of his tone, no matter how many times she cringes at how loud he’s being, but he does try being gentle, at least with his criticism. He showers her in compliments, which is a huge contrast to how he would usually handle fixing things. But, he finds using softer methods benefit him as well, loving the blush that adorns her face each time he does so, his own confidence probably boosting more so than hers.

He does nice things, not really knowing what or which way to help. He doesn’t make her do any chores, ignoring the nagging feeling that keeping her busy would probably help more so than having her sit and look cute all day, but… he’s afraid of admitting it, but… he quite likes taking care of her. He quite likes hugging her throughout the night, feeling her small tremoring sobs against him while stroking her back. He likes comforting her on those same nights where she wakes abruptly from some nightmare, stroking glossy diamond tears away from her cheeks, loving her bloated lips and that cute red wet irritation flushed on her nose and cheeks.

The only times he gets upset with her is when she refuses to eat. He tries so hard to make things she might like, but it’s scarce he sees her taking more than a few bites, if she makes a move to eat at all. He doesn’t want to make her cry, despite it being a constant hobby of hers, he doesn’t want to be the reason to her crying, but… he can’t have her starving. He finds the fear-tactic surprisingly effective on someone who spends most their time fantasizing about death. A few sparks in his palms has her all but quaking, scared half-way into catatonia or even comatose, so much so he has to pull her into his lap and spoon-feed her. Not that he minds that either, he comes to enjoy it quite a lot actually. How her small frame melts so perfectly against his chest, legs swung over his lap, head on his shoulder, remnants of her fear-stricken cries still evident as small spontaneous jolts run through her, being slowly comforted away with the same hand that caused the trouble in the first place.

DABI - TODORKI TOUYA

ANXIETY –

He couldn’t be happier with his little ball of blue wrapped up in soft-tinted crushed dreams with a heart made of honeycombs and dandelion-fluff. Whereas his misfortunate lack of happiness stems from a place of violence, where violence breeds violence, she’s nothing but a tender trauma. Such a soft despair, such a sweet despair, such perfection found in something so devastating. It’s artwork really. How she can cry herself to sleep, trapped in his arms, feeling as though she’s dying, yet wake up the next morning all velvety and soft in his arms, her heart finding comfort in what her mind rejects, what her mind fears.

He tries being a source of comfort for the most part, but teasing and haunting and poking fun at her is such a delicious past-time he cannot simply just refrain from. He’ll be a real villain about it at times. Having her as a complete blubbering pathetic hiccupping mess, poking fun at her crybaby-face as he licks the tears from her cheeks and gorges himself in her panic, his fingers dancing small patterns on her stomach as she wiggles beneath him.

She used to be so scared of him. So skittish and paralyzed, cold-sweating and eyes constantly leaking he had to imagine what her eyes would look like without being rimmed with red. She used to shiver and shake and quake and reel in on  herself, curl up until her limbs ached from how small she was trying to make herself become, backed up into the corner beneath his shadow, his leather-boots looking like the onset of everything horrific as she coward in front of them. But wild untrusting childlike beings such as her is quick in nature to tether themselves to the first or only source of light. And though the transition was slow, her anxiety soon shifted from being directed at him and soon for him instead.

It was too easy, and it benefitted him so undeservingly as well it was cruel. How he simply took all those fears of hers, all those fears for everything residing in the new foreign room she’d been taken captive in, manipulating them into becoming paranoia for everything found outside the bedroom door instead. He went from being the source of her dread, of her panic, of her misery, of her pitter-patter heart and shattering teeth to her savior. Soothing her in her frenzied quakes as she spluttered on sobs containing what hellish monsters and dangers found outside, begging him to be careful, to come back to her, to stay.

She will hug him close throughout the night, hanging almost like a noose around his neck when he needs to leave in the mornings, tracing his scars with a stream of endless worried thoughts blubbering in her groggy voice. And he’ll humor her worry and tame the oncoming panic-attacks by giving her a little light-show of blue flames in his palm, words of his own coming to assure her how nothing will ever happen to him and how he will never let anything ever happen to her, assuring however many times he has the time for.

She’s too cute it’s unfair. Unfair that small creatures like her exist without anything to protect them from hungry wolves like him. And though he was never the type to fantasize about clingy things, he has to admit… coming home to someone who lunches at him in the most secure yet clumsy and desperate embrace, he feels as though that feeling of coming home is all he’ll ever need in the world, that she’s all he’ll ever need.

SHIGARAKI TOMURA

INSOMNIA –

It’s nice. He knows it shouldn’t be the word he describes it with, but… that’s what it is. It’s nice. It’s nice to stay up with someone who expels the same type of energy as him, and not to mention the same amount of energy as him, or… lack of thereof. It’s nice living off of fumes together. It’s nice slipping to and from consciousness and how it almost turns into a game of who can survive the longest before collapsing, with the other shortly following, too tired to even bask in their victory.

It’s nice irritating over the same sharp sounds that attack their sensitive ears, not at all like the familiar sound of soft clicks of the controller in their hands. It’s nice communicating almost purely through mellow moans and groans and croaks, always understanding what the other is emitting despite it being but shapeless sounds.

It’s nice finding agreement in how the lights should always stay off, how it’s turned into some religious rule never meant to be crossed. It’s nice annoying over the same crisp bright light of the sun that violate their eyes those times they forget to shut the blinds before passing out after having counted stars and eating in the dead silence of night like nocturnal beings ignoring the light of day as though it were the plague. It’s nice how they can both find comfort in the glow of the moonlight or computer screen, leaching off of the energy like flies.

He’s found kinship in her presence, and despite it merely being himself and her in the darkness of his room, with flying specs of dust decorating the air and their computers the only windows to the world beyond their four walls, he feels as though the whole universe is looking at him when the softness of her glinting, beaming, sparkling eyes set their gaze and lock with his. It’s strange, but he always found angel-bright smiles and supersonic eyes to be too intrusive and annoying and scary to stand before, whereas her sunken dark eyes, ringed with shades of lilac contrasting her otherwise pale porcelain skin, kept almost albino in the darkness of his room… she couldn’t be more perfect.

Come to think of it, it’s perfection. Her in all her sleep-deprived glory, all her drowsy silliness, her sloppy harsh movements, tripping and stumbling with her droopy-eyes, in her soft giggling fits, where she’ll catch her stupidity just a moment too late and roll around on the bed, trying to shrug off Tomura’s teasing judgement as he pokes fun at her idiocy. Giving up on forming complete sentences as she almost always ends up toppling over her own words, settling for whining or sighing as she turns her head to bury it in his chest.

Utter perfection. Never bothering to get dressed, walking about like a little tease in only underwear and Tomura’s ill-fitted hoodie, hair pulled up into a messy-bun too messy, always defeating the purpose of keeping her hair from out of her face. Her unstable movements, disconnected to the ground as though she’s floating. Too grabbable and easily defeated in her weariness when being pulled into his lap, simply humming and moaning in response as he plants soft kisses down her neck, his fingers coming to destroy whatever’s in the way of him and her body.

HITOSHI SHINSO

HYPERSOMNIA –

She sleeps so soundly, like a little couch-kitten. All soft and cute, playing in her dreams. She’ll sleep whole entire days, only opening her eyes in small flutters every now and again and moaning ever so softly once he wakes her, though quickly scrunching her nose and twisting to fall asleep again. Her drowsiness rendering her pride invalid, causing her to pull at him to better comfort herself against his body, whining when he shifts, his warm presence leaving the bed when he needs to go to work. Her little unconscious protest making his heart twist in his chest, tempted to stay in bed with her all day long, yet comforting himself with the fact that he’ll probably come home to find her in the exact same position.

She’s so cute. She’ll curl and stretch, resting anywhere she finds comfortable: in bed, in the sofa, in the armchair, on his chest, his shoulder, his lap. Adorable with her little snores, all knotted up, remnants of her dreams spilling out from her sleep and coming to life in her limbs as she kicks and shakes her head, delving further into the pillow and twisting intricately in about the blanket. Eyelashes fluttering, eyes skittering beneath her puffy eyelids, caught up in whatever hurricane her mind has conjured up.

She seemed unfazed once she woke up in his room for the first time, and even then, she only gave him enough time to explain himself before nodding with heavy eyelids, laying her drowsy head back on the pillow. The situation dawning on her gradually over the first month, and if whether she was startled or angry, he couldn’t tell. If anything, sept for sleepy, he’d say she seemed confused, but alongside the confusion was the look that told him she couldn’t find the energy in herself to think too much about it without her fuzzy head hurting. Settling for eating breakfast with him in the mornings, and even thanking him on those occasion where she would forget the circumstances that led her to live there.

She doesn’t struggle when he pulls her limp body close to his own in the dead of night after he’s done for the day. He’s only mildly concerned, but it’s not his affection that shakes her from her sleep. He’s a selfish person, and he’s not one to hide those ugly aspects of himself. He’s selfish, greedy, controlling. He has to use his quirk on her sometimes… often times. Though she’s cute when she’s sleeping, he wants to do more than just watch her. He wants words, conversation, he wants to know what’s going on in that dark dreary head of hers, he wants to know what eerie things she’s been dreaming about, where she escapes to when her eyes slide close.

What more: he wants those eyes on him, those puffy, sleepy beautiful doe-eyes. He wants her to pay attention as he touches her skin and not simply to moan in response to it, he wants her to hang onto every single moment his skin touches hers. Telling her to focus reaches a long way. Those otherwise sleepy doe-eyes widening in such moon-bright curiosity, slaving at the hands of his quirk. Her otherwise limp and soft body shaking under his overwhelming touch, goosebumps springing to the surface under his tongue, a wicked glint evident in his lilac eyes.

TAKAMI KEIGO - HAWKS

BIPOLAR –

She’s fragile on most days. Whether that fragility is in the shape of a daisy or a bomb is impossible to say until she either falls apart or blows up. It’s all rather uncertain, sporadic, spontaneous, where he’s given only a few signs where which he can predict what state of mind she’s in and how stable that structure is.

Most things depend on sleep, and upholding a balanced sleep-pattern has become one of the most important things in Keigo’s life after having taken his little darling. But, she manages to slip past his schedules more times than he would like to admit. When she refuses to go to sleep, his mind drifts to all the fun things they can do if they weren’t sleeping, and when she’s sound asleep and drowsing far beyond what time she should have woken up, he can’t find it in himself to wake her, not when he is the reason as to why she was so spent and sore and exhausted from the events and methods he used to make her fall asleep in the first place.

On little sleep one of two things can happen. She can either have the energy of a hummingbird or be tired to the point she almost looks sickly. On her lack-of-sleep-high she’s confident, cocky more so than Keigo, where she’ll test her luck on how far Keigo’s willing to bend his rules when she misbehaves, calling him all types of names, laughing in his face when he snaps and cackling even harder even madder when he decides to punish her, as though it’s all a game to quench her boredom.

With the absence of sleep causing her exhaustion she becomes irritated, seething with boiling rage, red in annoyance, whatever energy she has left focused on making her discomfort known as she scowls at him each time he smiles too loudly, but being too drained to physically act on her frustration or to even make up a snide comment without evoking a headache, left to simply snarl. He thinks it’s cute, where he knows well enough that if he pushes her limits too far she might just break. Break, and therefore let him gather her up into his arms and hush and tut at her to stop crying while he strokes her back, feeling her tremble with unparalleled frustration weighing down on her shoulders.

Then there are the days she sleeps too much. The same options are present here too. She’s either too energetic or too well rested. Either black or white. No grey. But with too much sleep she isn’t ever hostile, but still wild. Wild and enthusiastic and self-destructive and prop-full of ideas and insane in her passion. She’ll be unable to focus on anything, she’ll forget things seconds after they’ve been said or done, but… she’ll laugh and she’ll smile, and it won’t be one of those haughty nasty smiles she gives him when she’s feeling spiteful, but genuine in its playfulness or even bliss.

Then on other days sleeping half the day only results in her being even more drowsed out, yet accompanying her exhaustion isn’t irritation, but soft-tinted melancholia, where all she does is stay wrapped up in her blanket, quiet and still, silent tears dripping down her cheeks as she focusses on how hollow her chest is, as though caving in on itself, where she’ll fall all limp and snuggly in Keigo’s embrace, humming appreciatively as he wraps her up in his wings. All the while a treacherous smile of satisfaction on his face.

MIDORIYA IZUKU - DEKU

DESPOND –

When Izuku chose his darling it was done without compromise, without fault, it was done with perfection. Meaning, he fell for all of her, invested in all of her, determined to preserve all of her. Even her inexplainable unfounded absurd plethora of self-doubt that make her delirious and hopeless with anxiety and guilt. He let himself fall hungrily in love with her little terror-wide heart. He fell viciously in love with how desperate in need of him to come help ground her she was.

It was as though she’s made for him, he would argue. It was as though he’s made for her. Some breeds of people are just too vulnerable to take proper care of themselves. Some people just aren’t meant to take care of themselves. Whereas others are made to help, other people need to help.

Emotions are abstract fundamental tools meant to be used. Lesser minds might look down on his methods, yet Izuku came to understand quite early in life that things such as morals are chains meant to keep you from achieving your goal. He has no quarrels with using and abusing those tools presented to him, where her irrational feelings of doubt, hopelessness and worthlessness are a delicious opportunity to achieve his goal. Besides, her emotions are too easily abused and give such great unshakable responses, and even though he doesn’t want to tamper too much with her instability… they’re just too in-reach for him to ignore, too tempting for him to stay away.

The feeling of responsibility sits like an extra organ inside him, where his toes curl each time he sees her large doe-eyes look at him as though he were the sun, as though her whole life revolves around him. She’s just so dependent on him, so in need of his guidance and advise and praise, where he’s afraid she might just drown in her own guilt if she senses she’s displeased him. She makes sure she wears what he likes, has her hair the way he likes, letting him play with her like putty in his hands if he asks it of her. How can he be expected to not exploit what is so clearly offered?

Besides, he spoils her as well. He returns the favor so to speak, even though he knows she has given herself no choice but to worship him in her mindset of inadequacy. She’s so sweet he nearly feels undeserving, because she’ll blush so preciously when he compliments her, bashful and adorable and too good to be true, he wonders how such a creature can ever feel like less. He adores her, yet that doesn’t stop him from finding such satisfying bliss in the fact that he’s infinitely stronger and faster and not to mention smarter. Whereas she’s gullible and too eager to please, another attributing factor as to why he loves her, despite it is also being the cause of her demise, or maybe even because of it

The truth is she’s lucky that she belongs to him. Lucky that he won’t ever let anything happen to her, no matter if she’s the source of her own harm. She’s lucky to have him to anchor herself to as so to avoid floating away in her hopelessness. This is safer for her. Despite him sticking his bloodstained inky fingers and twisting her heart in his deadlock of a fist, she’s safe, safer than she could or would ever be on her own.

CHISAKI KAI - OVERHAUL

AMNESIA –

It’s cute. He won’t deny that it’s cute, because it is. It’s adorable and unbelievable and annoying all the same. She’ll forget the rules, she’ll wander too far from her confines, not greeting him at the door, not kissing him on que, leave questions unanswered despite him having told her to always answer him when she’s spoken to, all things he feels he’s made blatantly clear through threats and countless reminders. But, not only will she forget his rules, but basic living necessities, she’ll forget to eat and drink, forget to get dressed, forget where she is.

She’ll say the strangest things sometimes. Mild and mellow passionate thoughts regarding the clouds and stars and moon and gods and how pretty his snake-eyes are, like great big lakes of molten gold. It’s strange but he finds such great comfort in her little philosophical blubbering, her soft voice kissing his ears like gospel. It’s a tender type of relief or resolution found in listening to nonsense as opposed to the serious matters he has to deal with in his position in the underworld, her view of the world somehow painting everything, even the ugly and the dangerous, in beauty.

Sometimes she’ll drift a bit too far away though. She’ll daydream more than sleep, absentminded when he’s speaking to her, unable to focus on him or anything for more than a few minutes at best. All dizzy and fuzzy, as though she’s just woken from some dream or as if she’s always dreaming. Irritation festers in his chest when she doesn’t answer, but as she turns her head, expression all soft and oblivious, his chest caving in at the sight of those doe-eyes, all anger simmering into nothing, rendering his annoyance nonexistent, replaced by a sense of hopeless forgiveness and somehow appreciation.

When it comes to her for once actually remembering what she’s supposed to do she’ll weigh each task as though one wrong decision would cost her life. Greeting him at the door in nothing but underwear, already having failed at picking out an outfit and resorting to wearing the lingerie Kai picked and laid out for her on the bed in the morning. The simple task suddenly becoming a battle where she’ll spend much too much time deciding whether to take his jacket first or give him a kiss or welcome him home. Too many decisions with too faulty statistics and unsure outcomes she ends up merely standing there doing nothing but hold her head in her hands and whimper slightly at all the noise that suddenly crowded her head, tears already threatening to fall as she stands before him, all guilt-ridden and trembling.

He can be patient as long as he knows she isn’t disobeying him on purpose, especially when he sees how guilty and how terribly sorry she is each time she fails on acting out simple tasks such as those he gives her. She’ll cry and apologize for the mere act of breathing on some days where she’s extra fragile, where she seeks nothing but his praise, his comfort, his hand stroking through her hair as she sleeps restlessly in her sobs on his chest, unaware of the mild smile of satisfaction and endearment displayed on his face.

TODOROKI SHOTO

SELF-CONSCIOUS -

She’s always hiding. Like a little mouse, she’s always squeaking and squealing and hiding. Hiding her face, burying it in the pillow when he compliments her gorgeous eyes, begging him to stop, small timid hands pushing ever so slightly at him. Hiding her chest, her nipples, when he admires them, his hands playing with the soft and supple flesh, whimpering as she tries to twist away. Her knees trying their best to wrench shut, to hide and protect what sensitivity find between them from Shoto’s hungry fingers and tongue.

She’s always hiding… but he likes to hunt anyway. If she drapes herself in pitch-black hoodies he’ll gladly rip them off, or scorch them off and expose her delicious artful body. If she refuses to leave the bed he’ll gladly attack her where she’s sleeping. She’s always hiding, but she quickly comes to understand that there will be no hiding from him.

He doesn’t understand why she would ever want to hide divinity, and therefor doesn’t respect the wish. Having made it his mission to expose every little piece of her, licking up long lines of bumpy purple and white scars, sucking and biting at those pointy cherry nipples strutting at the coolness of his breath, kissing those plump lips of hers despite her cringing to cover herself up in thousand layers of clothes, dark clothes, where only the very least of her skin is remaining on display. He won’t have it.

He has to tie her up on most occasions where she’s too difficult and shy to listen and let him play with her beauty. He’ll have to tie her up like a starfish on the bed, limbs spread in each direction, scars running along them, quite like the ones he receives in battle, only precise and matching and purposeful, his hands coming to touch them in reverence, worshipping every little altercation she’s added to her skin, further pushing its ever-changing perfection, watching as she hopelessly struggles to hide herself, yet the both of them knowing how she’s fully his.

He can’t allow her hurting herself anymore though, not with the fear that she one day might slip up and kill herself just a little bit too much, but he’s happy to help her through the tools of fire and ice. Frostbite flowers look even more as though they belong on her body, as well as blotches of burns, his markings, his teeth. He’ll never forget the moan he received on his first indulgence branding her body with his elements, how she purred in gratitude, small blissful squeals and mewls following, further egging him on.

Once she grew more comfortable with his hands and his stare… or rather… once the need for his hands outgrew her discomfort, she became somewhat addicted. And now, she can be wild in her cravings on some days, demanding it of him, threatening him, fighting him. She’ll bite and claw, begging for him to retaliate, longing for him to push her into the bedsheets and teach her what it’s like to feel alive by teasing her with the promise of death.

Without him she’s left to pick at scabs, counting the seconds until his return. She’ll pull at her hair until her scalp is screaming. She’ll ball her fists, creating those blood-red crescent moons in her palms, biting her nails until they bleed and then some. Then bask in relief upon his return.

Support me at KO-FI if you feel like it<3

[life-rewritten]

TRUE BEAUTY; TRUE SCARS VS FALSE MASKS

I'm actually surprised I have a new Korean drama to fall for before the end of the year. After testing out what's available, True Beauty feels like the one for me. I was going to watch it regardless of if it made me analyse because it's directed by Extraordinary You PD. I love how he shows the plot of his shows, his romances are always soft yet angsty, and they make you feel so many emotions whilst laughing and smiling and perhaps swooning over certain second leads and protagonists. After Start-Up I swore of love triangles, and yet True Beauty comes with just that, yet I'm having so much fun watching this show for the past 3 weeks, and it's been a ride. It's precisely what the title says it's focused on True Beauty. The actual meaning of beauty and perspectives on what is truly beautiful and what's not, the psychological trauma of being someone perceived as not socially pleasing to the world, and being forced to hide to survive the harsh environment. It's an emotional look into another teenage drama, full of angst, romance, self-love, and self-acceptance. I'm enjoying it a lot, and my heart has been tugged at each episode, so I'm not saying True Beauty is my full focus, but I have spoken about it here, and from episode 5 and 6, I somehow have a lot to say.  So let's get into it

True Scars vs False Masks

True Beauty episode 5 and 6 focus on the effect of PTSD and trauma symptoms which each of our main characters have to go through. Apart from Seojun, who has his own frustrations and pains connected to the overarching plot, but not as pronounced as these three.

Kyung, Suho and Soojin are triggered by certain parts of their memories, making them afraid, broken down, and self-hating. The first thing to mention when focusing on Kyung's ideology of true beauty. Kyung may think that being seen as beautiful is the only way to make her self survive her own past traumas, but the two perceived beautiful people who are praised and known for having everything by their peers,  are just as scared, suffering and hurt by the world as she is. All by the cruelty and insensitiveness of different people in their lives.

Ju Kyung: The mask of Beauty

Kyung is forced to relieve yet again her trauma as a bully victim when she bumps into the girl. The very bully that caused her to finally break down and wear her mask for protection. One thing to notice in episode 5/6  as she takes care of Seojuns sister; she realised that wearing a mask isn't the right way to live comfortably and she questions why she can't have the same confidence and inspiration in her self to be brave.  Which is what people would quickly want to say about her situation, just love your self, only trust your self, just be your self. Still, as we've seen from the past episodes, the reason is that when her mask is uncovered, and she's her true self, her past comes to find her and the people who cruelly lowered her down to nothing before their eyes, who proceeded to hurt and abuse her because of how she looks. The girl who likes to emotionally have control over Kyung's self-esteem like a leash she can't escape from,  people like her that can't stand to see Kyung be happy with her skin,  is why it's even more painful when Suho tells her that he's doing all he does for her as pity it's heart-breaking. It makes her feel even more inferior because she's being a burden to the guy, she's come to have feelings for, and it's still because of her looks in a way. Because he's the first person who knows her real face under her mask of makeup.

It’s not just the bullies that do this to her, that make her feel so ashamed and guilty for wanting to just be her self. People who she’s close to, her ex best friend betrayed her because of this issue, (to avoid being bullied) and her mother is harsh and cruel beyond words, always breaking her self esteem, ignoring her child’s plight when she could actually be of help to her, and mocking her every time just cause she isn’t smart. Her mother proceeds to not understand the real trauma in her daughter’s life, not even knowing or taking it seriously that there was a time where Kyung almost gave up everything and took her life, just because of how exhausted she was by what society was making her think about her true self. 

When Suho said that I was so agitated and disappointed. When cruel and forced to wear his own mask of coldness, Suho can be harsh and ruthless. However, it still felt problematic to me because he knows how sensitive Kyung is about her looks, how much she suffered because of it, he's the one who saw her almost choose to take her own life because of it and he's also seen her try desperate attempts to avoid it. To cruelly say it's because of pity that he's been doing all he did by her side and she's being a bother; it's upsetting and just annoying. I'm annoyed that he still refuses to communicate with her properly about it, tell her it's not because of pity and she's not a problem.

To come to her house/ accept her mother's invitation and act like he's not told her she's a burden is just upsetting and it's exhausting because she doesn't want to keep on feeling like she owes him because he's hiding her secret about her looks. It's also sad because you realise that it must have broken her heart more because when she felt she had someone on her team who saw her without her mask and chose to be there for her, help her and understand her, this same person threw her away saying she was a weight to him. When she finally felt she was able to be herself and like her self without her mask, she deserved to be free without making up, especially his last words to her before he switched himself off, was that she was beautiful without makeup. That one quote, that one stance, and one act of support for her meant everything. Yet her one source of defence and her foundation to bounce back from her worries and fears rejected her and told her she wasn't important; her presence was upsetting him.

Again Kyung is forced to think that what she needs to do to survive is to be beautiful to wear her mask; it's the only way she will be accepted. That's what Suho harsh words did to her, and despite that, she still ran to him to be his defence and protection. They both do the same thing for each other; if you notice Suho protects her always when she's at her worst broken down and without her mask of beauty. Suho is protected by her finding him and literally shielding him with her warmth and comfort letting him know he's not alone and he's understood.

Suho: The mask of Coldness

Before I focus on their dynamic though back to masks and scars. The reason why Kyung runs to Suho is where the plot for his PTSD symptoms comes in. Suho without the act is also broken, guilty and tired of people refusing to listen to him. His issue is that whilst people see his richness and privileges as a positive for him, they're his source of guilt and pain. His mask is to push people off and not expect or trust things with people, because of this he's seen as the guy who's unreachable in a good way, attractive and has it all and everyone wants his attention and needs to beg for it. His mask works for him, so he doesn't seem vulnerable, and he doesn't let people easily break him.

But we know he's exceptionally vulnerable because of the guilt of Seyeon having symptoms of PTSD, panic attacks, broken and self-hating. The cruelness of the world isn't attacking him like Kyung, but it's using him as a tool to hurt others well that's what he believes anyway. His dad is powerful and intense and leads to people feeling broken as Seyeon, and they take drastic measures to end it. The school praises him and lets him get away with stuff if he gets in a scuffle but they hurt others more harshly just by looking at their background and status, they did this to Seojun when they got in a fight in episode 4.

No matter what happened, Suho has never been able to get away from the price that came with his reputation and status. It cost him so much at the end it made him lose his closest friend, and it made him lose himself to the guilt of not being able to be the person everyone wanted him to be for not being able to reach that 'divine'' Suho reputation people give him.

For him, being with him hurts people, and so he pushes Kyung away harshly and wears a mask of coldness and harshness to prevent people wanting or expecting things from him and to make sure he wallows in his guilt alone. Without his mask, Suho is just a boy lost, frightened and traumatised. He's broken by what's happened, and with Kyung not only does she help him, but she also does when they first meet.

 She unintentionally provides him with a way to speak out his feelings and save her the way he couldn't do to his friend, but also she's there for him even during times she shouldn't be; she runs and finds him, she lets him cry and breakdown, and she understands him with a few words. She knows what it's like to be afraid and broken, and she knows why it's like to feel like no one understands your pain.

Both she and Suho understand each other because they've been hurt and exhausted each time something from the past comes to remind them of the guilt of being who they are and wallowing in self-hate and disgust. It's so heartbreaking, but they both run to each other time and time again at their most needed moment.

Soo Jin: The mask of Strength

Someone else with the same issues that also proves to Kyung that the beauty she craves/ the reputation to be seen as having it all isn't great; is Soo Jin. Whilst on the surface she’s incredible, she’s powerful, fights for everyone, protects Kyung like a knight in shining armour, is protective of all her friends, uses her strengths to help others, and ensure people aren’t looked down on, or broken down. 

Soo-Jin is also put into the same situation as Kyung and Suho, she's also broken down mentally, physically and emotionally. She's had her self esteem be destroyed repeatedly; for never getting to the top except she is always on top. She's the girl who has everything, like Suho her mask is the girl who has everything sorted, she's kind but harsh to the right people, she's protective because she doesn't like bullies and cruelty. She's intelligent and also beautiful naturally as Kyung puts it.

Still, her mask of strength is unveiled when you realise she's forced to put up with a bigger bully her own father, he's cruel, abusive and degrades her by physical violence. It's heart-breaking. To have the control, she repeatedly tries to wash her hands clean to the point they're raw and dry when she stressed and terrified. When she's broken and scared, she tries to restart again, washes her hands clean and starts again making her self anew, making her mind anew, and becoming stronger. 

Her washing her hands mindlessly is the only time we see her without her mask, and no one can see her scars on the apparent parts they're hidden on her hands dry and cracked and easily misunderstood as dryness or mistake. Easily the part of the body that's not noticed at first.

Cruelty, Scars and Trauma

That's the thing with scars in this show and PTSD.  Kyung's mask covers up the acne scars that people have hurt her because of.  Yet now those scars are actively hidden under her makeup and guise of beauty, she has those external scars but also mental scars about how she looks she's been forced to a mindset where seeing her self in the mirror automatically gives her shivers, makes her terrified and go into self-hating phase. She's been forced to hide who she truly is because that was taken away from her by bullies because of her looks.' it just sucks and hurts.

Suho's mask covers his internal scars and burdens placed on him, you won't think he's broken or hurting from his past because his mask of coldness which makes everyone think he uses the status and reputation for his strength instead of loathing it. Suho's internal scars have made him become someone who's closed off, distrustful and harsh sometimes and no one understands it, they take it the wrong way, staying away from him. For example Seojun it's Suho's mask that made him think Suho was despicable and felt guiltless when in reality every single word SeoJun said to Suho about wanting him to never be happy until after he dies, about making sure he never has a good time because of Seoyeon just drives deeper with that self-hate. Disgust, Suho has for himself; it's like Seojun keeps repeatedly stabbing his wounds all over again. When he appears the issues increase even more if you've noticed, Suho's symptoms of PTSD increased because Seojun had started to actively make him go back to feeling guilty and remind him of the choice he made to push people away. Seojun playing a role in this is so upsetting, and it's made it hard for me to like his character as much as I did before.

The masks may cover up their scars in their minds and to others, but it won't make them free the way they want to be. These characters break my heart and have been through so much.

I'm loving this show. I think it gets better and more painful each episode, but it has the light moments, it touches your heart, and it makes you smile and cry so much. The romance between Suho and Kyung is also precious despite certain pauses in their growth because of their masks and miscommunications. However, the fact that they're each other's refuge to be free without their masks, to breath and to see each other the way others can't it's beautiful. Seojun's feelings for Kyung are also growing. I'm torn because I like his moments so much but thinking about emotional torment and pain he causes Suho, especially in these episodes isn't my cup of tea. Kyung sees him as a sibling right now, and I wonder if that's all she's ever goanna accept him as I actually want him and Soojin to be together at the end and Soojin is slowly getting into her role of second lead for Suho. I hope they don't use her hurt as a way to make her a villain. That's be sick if she breaks down because Suho likes Kyung not her like no let's avoid this storyline.

[hargrove-mayfields]

Day one of the Horror on Cherry Lane Challenge! I’ll be participating this month as a writer! The prompt for today is Knife!

warnings for mentions of suicidal ideation and attempts, death, child abuse, and blood.

Billy met Steve in the psych ward.

Well, they met officially at Tina’s party, but that wasn’t the real Steve. That was the King Steve. Deeper than that though, even the Steve Harrington everyone else saw even after the breakup and the fall from grace still wasn’t the real thing.

That was fake smiles, overdone nonchalance to cover up the wound from his fallen status. Now he was stripped down to himself, all bloody bandages and tired eyes, the boy he was pretending to be finally broken down to reveal this.

Apparently, Ruthie Harrington found her son with his grandfather's switchblade- all the other objects in the house sharper than a spoon and with less sentimental value had already been tossed -bleeding all over her freshly polished linoleum floors. She dropped him off at the hospital a night ago and nobody’s been by to see him since.

Now, it’s by pure coincidence that Billy’s already in on the same day Steve’s admitted.

He’s been locked up the past three days compared to Steve’s one. These small town hicks are jumpier (ha) than he thought, and don’t think doing the walk and turn test on the edge of the quarry after downing a bottle and a half of fireball is as funny as he does. Whatever. Cid would’ve thought that was badass as hell.

So he was admitted, on suicide watch for a stupid joke that wasn’t really worth it, or even really a joke. Max came to visit once. She punched him in the chest as hard as she could and cursed him out for an hour. She’d never done that before. By the time she left they were both in tears, and maybe Billy realized a thing or too about his carelessness. Realized for the first time that someone cared.

But he’s still in here for another week and a half by law, so. He’s not going to mope about it. And while Steve Harrington showing up is about the last thing he’s expecting, he decides that’s at least something he can work with. Definitely brings a little life to the place.

He waits until Steve’s intense watch period is over to bug him, once they’re out of their cramped little rooms for a couple of hours to “socialize” (see, the more sound of mind keep an eye on the other patients while the nurses take their smoke breaks) Billy goes straight to Steve. Him and Harrington are far from friends, but that’s pretty much irrelevant when the only other choices for company are kids younger than them too scared to approach them and people too deep in their midlife crises to bother with teenage drama.

Throwing himself down in the blue plastic chair across from where Steve settled in, Billy kicks his feet up on the table,, “What’s up Harrington? Didn’t expect to see a familiar face in here.”

But Steve, poor Steve, takes one look at Billy with those haunted brown eyes, and his face just falls completely apart. There are tears on his way too pale cheeks before Billy even has a chance to breathe.

The smile drops off of Billy’s face, “Jesus Harrington, I know m’not looking my best surviving on hospital food and cigarettes without a hairbrush, but that’s a little unwarranted.”

“Shut up. Not everything’s about you, Hargrove.”

“Oh I disagree with that. But I get the point. I’ll let ya be.” Billy hums, scooting his chair back and getting up. He stops when Steve starts to speak, “Y-You outta be careful saying that kinda stuff in here.”

“What?”

“That the world revolves around you. They’ll come up with a diagnosis for that and keep you here forever. Drug you ‘til you forget your own name, let alone your status.” Steve tells him with humor, wiping the tears off his face.

Billy nods in understanding, sits back down with an interested smirk, “This ain’t your first time here, is it?”

“Is it yours?”

“Nah. I’ve done some shit on purpose, some on accident. Once it wasn’t even me. But s’never done anything to help so far.”

Steve puffs out a sigh, “Don’t I know it.. I’ve been in and outta this place since I was like, ten. Clearly nothing’s changed.”

“Why? What’s your dirty little secret, Harrington?”

“I cut myself, dumbass.” He deadpans, looking at Billy with a bluntness in his expression that reads more concerning, more like indifference to what he just said than matter-of-fact.

“No shit. But that ain’t the secret.” Billy probes further, can tell he’s getting under that mask Steve wears, “Why do you do it?”

“Legally, I can't tell you. And I don’t think I would anyways.”

“What about if I tell you all about me first? I got no reservations ‘cept the one that got me a bed here.”

“It’s not a hotel, Hargrove.”

“Eh, might as well be. Feels like the damn hotel California.”

“Is that why?”

“Huh? Oh no, I been pullin’ stunts like this long before we left Cali.”

“Like what?”

“Like downing two full bottles of my mother’s meds after she left. Not at the same time obviously, or I wouldn’t be here. Mostly ‘cause my dad didn’t even wanna take me to the hospital either time.” Billy doesn’t look at Steve while he elaborates. Not because he cares, he’s an open book, if a random old woman at the grocery store asked about his last attempt, he’d tell her.

But. He doesn’t like watching people’s faces. Seeing sympathy and concern there. It makes him feel all stupid and guilty. It’s usually not like that with other kids like him, but Steve’s different. He’s got a big heart. Even if there’s no room for himself.

And Billy hurt Steve before. He doesn’t want to see someone he caused pain caring so much about him. He already cracked when Max came to see him. This could be what splits him open, spills out all the things he’s covered up.

So he keeps going, “And like runnin’ out in front of traffic with my friends. They thought we were just playin’ chicken ‘til I stopped dead in front of a station wagon. Metal rims’d done me in for sure if one ‘a the older boys hadn’t pulled me outta the way. Damn near ripped my shirt in half how fast he grabbed me.”

“I’m guessing your parents are the reason why then?”

“Yessir.” Billy deflects, not good at getting deeper into it, “You wanna tell me yours then?”

“I started cutting because Tommy Hagan told me about it. He thought it was freaky, but when he ran his mouth about how they found the neighbor kid in his room, drained of all his blood from his wrists, I wanted to try it. I’ve tried liquor and drugs and all kinds ‘a shit I shouldn’t, but nothin’ stuck like cutting.” Steve pauses for a long time, his eyes going blank, staring right past Billy, “When my mom found out she.. she.. Forget it.”

“Hey, you seen my skeletons. Can’t I see yours?”

“No. I don’t wanna fucking talk about it anymore.” Steve answers, despite his assuredness, his tone wobbling with some unidentifiable emotion.

Talk about mood swings. Billy doesn’t get how nobody would’ve noticed something was up before Steve started carving into himself. Really, he knows someone would have seen it and just ignored it.

It only gets worse though, the reservedness turning to sadness and frustration. None of the words are coming out, but he can tell Steve’s thinking of the stories, reliving all that got him to the here and now. Billy can also tell there’s nothing he can do no to stop him from doomsdaying.

So when Steve is inevitably in the thralls of a panic attack, he tries to hug him tight, to try to get it to stop maybe, that always worked for him at least, but Steve swats him away. Judging from the way he winces, it’s not easy for him to do either, with those thick ass bandages constricting his wrists, but the tears and the pain on his face are buried behind his resolution.

He’s hiding something from Billy.

In hindsight, talking to a new patient about past attempts probably wasn’t his brightest idea anyways, so he switches the subject while Steve works on coming down from his panic attack. He brings up Max and her little nerds, trying to bridge the healthier connections between him and Steve that they’d both been ignoring since the fight. He mentions basketball too, another something they have in common other than trying to kill themselves.

It doesn’t really work, though Steve does stop shaking as bad, just curling up in his little chair and sniffling, pretending not to listen while Billy rambles on and on. But he doesn’t talk. It’s probably better for him not to anyway. Billy himself has been known to say some dumb shit when he’s in distress.

Ultimately, even once the conversation runs out, he stays with Steve until dark. He can tell from the way his gaze sticks to the floor that Steve recovered from his fit a while ago, but he’s embarrassed by having a breakdown in front of him, as if he isn’t in here for the same reason. It helps that he gets it though, and they sit in a comfortable, albeit very prolonged, silence.

Long after Steve gets xanned up and knocked out though, while Billy is still free to wander until the midnight curfew as a low risk patient, he decides to stick with him in his room. Billy’ll never admit it, but he gets nightmares, and he doesn’t want to face that just yet, so with a new friend as an excuse, he’s up half the night watching Steve sleep.

He remembers what happened earlier, how focused Steve was on keeping him away from him, despite his panic, and decides, with a glance at how deeply Steve is sleeping, his greasy hair all strewn about on stiff pillows, that he’s going to figure out what it was.

He snoops around in his bedside drawers, in the bathroom, in the locker in the corner. It’s there he notices the knitted jacket Steve was wearing before, hanging heavy to one side, like there’s something in its pocket. He touches it and feels the outline of something small, so he pulls it out.

He regrets checking though, because it’s a knife. Judging from the old looking engravings on its handle, and the coppery stains within the grooves, it’s specifically the very same one that got Steve hospitalized.

He shoves it in his own back pocket and keeps looking, with a quick glance at Steve, finding a note tucked where the knife had been. Written in perfect scrawl on bond paper that’s been folded a dozen times and stained with tears,

“Do it right next time, why don’t you? Your mother is too soft on you. I’m not paying for this again.

- J.Harrington.”

Billy doesn’t know what to do but throw the note in the trash. Not really in shock, but definitely more than a little fucked up from reading that, he sits on the end of Steve’s bed. His own dad, who'd more than once been the one putting him in the hospital, had never even said anything like that to him.

He didn’t get to talk to Steve much today, but they’ve got as long as Billy’s stuck in here together to fix that. Longer if he just pulls something in front of a nurse. And he wants to, really really wants to.

Because he knows he just met the real Steve, can recognize another broken boy when he sees one, and he knows too, that he never wants to meet a pretty boy like this again.

And if that’s his declaration to get clean, then so fucking be it.

But. He never promised not to hurt anyone. Ultimately he’d still need that outlet.

He keeps the knife. To make sure his pretty boy doesn’t get hurt again.

[quitealotofsodapop]

MvA assorted headcanons

General:

So many years together has made the core monsters inseperable. If something affects one member, it affects the group.

All. The. Monsters. Are. Family.

It takes Susan a while to understand inside jokes and past incidents because of being the most recent addition.

There are Other anomalous creatures kept in Area 5X, but they are either non-sentient and/or are too dangerous to be kept around the more human-friendly monster group.

Area 5X is so gotdang big because they were expecting a lot more kaijus like Insecto to crop up. Sadly not many have surfaced to justify the space.

There’s a hangar in Area 5X full of wrecked UFOs. Some are spacecraft wreckage while others are stuff like weird meteors (Susan’s is in there), and at least one alien creature that got crystallised upon entering Earth’s atmosphere.

There’s significant difference in staff employed at different points throughout the past 50 years. There are far more women on the Area 5X worksheet than back in the 50s, and the guards are generally more sympathetic towards the monsters. Many modern staff members have been reprimanded or let go for failing to uphold secrecy, or for unnecessary cruelty towards the monsters.

Budget cuts were a legitmate concern up until the Battle of Golden Gate Bridge. The facility was far more barebones and sterile before the government had to formally recognise Area 5X’s importance. There have been a lot of redecorating at the facilty since the fat checks started coming in.

Putting individual characters under read due to length.

Susan:

Enjoys many hobbies considered stereotypically feminine; baking, sewing, cosmetics, etc...

Grandparents and extended family are farmers or are atleast connected to the business. Modesto is the agricultural centre of California after all. Her parents were the first of their generation to go against the mold and seek out white-collar careers.

Studied cosmetology in school and was working at a beauty salon to save up for her and Derek’s wedding.

Is very athletic and grew up doing a number of physical extracurriculars like cheerleading, dodgeball, and roller-derby.

Grew up being teased for being the shortest kid in her class/family. They still tease her for it.

Greatly fears causing collateral damage and/or harm to others through her size.

Has issues with anxiety, worsened only by her new job as “savior of earth”. She wishes for a confidant to tell her worries to.

Married life with Derek was doomed to fail. Susan had a plan in place for what came after the marriage, and focusing 100% on Derek’s career was not it. There’s also the line from Derek’s mother about Susan being “the weatherman’s wife”, implying that she was to be the homemaker and not have a career of her own. It’s possible that Susan was planning to settle down and have kids with Derek, but the lack of control she had in moving to Fresno implied that more was going on.

Is currently “taking a break” from love and dating, despite gaining many new admirers.

Tries her best to return to Modesto to visit her family and friends whenever possible, though work often keeps her away for weeks at a time.

If she retains her height-shifting abilities as in the series; Susan goes through really bad “growing” pains.

Link:

Was frozen in his relative late-teens during a cold snap. Got shifted around until he ended up somewhere in Greenland before being discovered by modern humans. Post-thaw he went a bit wild, swimming frantically back south to try and find his old enviroment.

Was one of many scrappy youngsters in his troop, with a number of adoptive parents. The strongest ruled the troop, and Link was fairly weak in comparision to the leaders. He had gotten into a fight the day of his freezing (over something silly in hindsight) and swam away to sulk. When he didn’t return after the cold snap - the troop accepted that he had likely died out on his own.

Likes to freak out humans by making up weird biology facts about his species and ones he’s fought against - like joking about laying eggs or having his tail dettach and regrow like a lizard. However there’s some things he has to ask about, because he doesn’t have medical knowledge or words to describe something.

A lot of his macho behavior came from imitating the guards who kept watch on him. 1950s violent military alpha males aren't a very good role model for someone who doesnt know what societal norms are yet. Link was a lot more insufferable back in the day but chilled out as he began interacting with other walks of life.

Has a high paternal instinct and immediately becomes softer around kids and smaller animals.

Has body language similar to a cat/alligator. Slaps his tail when angry or in deep thought. And yes; Link purrs/rumbles when happy.

Loves monster movies - especially the ones where the monsters “win”. He cried when he saw “Beauty and the Beast” and then immediately booed loudly when the Beast turned human.

Does Not Trust doctors or scientists due to bad past experiences. Will only go to Dr Cockroach and Monger if he ever gets hurt/ill. Gets stressed fast if he has to be in a waiting room or doctors office.

Link had no idea what gender indentities or orientations were until recently - he did come from a pre-human civilization that really didnt mind/care about the schemantics. It took him some time to wrap his head around it. He identifies himself as bisexual after much thought and many hours alone on the computer.

Don't press him about his body. He's built different from humans and cis people. He will punch anyone who doesnt respect his or anyone elses identity.

Has been in love before. It didn’t end well.

Will occasionally wear clothes, but finds it a challenge to find anything that fits him. Will give any shoes he finds to Dr Cockroach and BOB to eat.

The best driver/pilot out of all the monsters.

Dr Cockroach:

True name is Jaques-Yves Herbert. Prefers to just go by "Dr Cockroach" because he dislikes the association with his birth family.

Picks up human languages very easily, although not as quickly as he can understand animals.

Parents were a mixed scientist couple. His father was an aggressive “Strong British Man” that would beat him son down for not following orders or for not meeting his standards for a man. Dr C turned down both chances to attend his parents funerals.

This man isn’t straight. He probably uses old-fashioned slang when asked about romance such as; “I am Uranian” or “I wear a green carnation”. It took Susan a few times to realise what he meant, as she is used to a more open minded enviroment.

Got the idea of transforming into a cockroach from reading Franz Kafkas “The Metamorphosis” as a child. He sympathized with Gregor’s abusive situation, and began considering the possibilties of how one could survive better as a creature like a cockroach.

Studied in biology and entomology in the Uk before moving to the states to follow engineering. Obtained his degree in Dance as a “side gig” in University.

Has been barred from free access to the coffee maker/machine due to overnighters. Once stayed awake so long that he forgot the letter “R”.

Owned a terrarium of Madagascar Hissing Cockroaches throughout college. He mourned each of them when his roommate’s iguana got into the tank.

Was a "beatnik" back in the day and still kinda is. Embraces and encourages modern counterculture as he himself was not given such acceptance in his youth. He has however shamefully eaten his old Lenny Bruce album.

Hasn’t actually aged physically since his transformation. He attributes this to the fact that certain athropods can’t age physically beyond maturity. Link is very jealous.

Has obtained more degrees while in captivity, as Monger allowed him access to research and learning materials. He has however had his allowances revoked for previous escape attempts/doomsday devices.

Does still enjoy human food, but the cockroach instinct of "eat detritus" tends to overrule his eating choices. Can’t cook either.

Ironically a terrible driver. The damages from previous drives has made Monger restrict him from operating even a razor scooter.

BOB:

Pretty much considers himself human. Was created by them, raised by one (Monger), and talks like one. Gets sad when he's reminded that no other humans are blue blobs like him.

Absorbed some dna from the scientists present at his "birth", leading to his eye, speech, and omnivorous diet.

Doesnt actually need to breathe (as he can just absorb oxygen through his mass) but the fact that humans Do means that BOB thinks he has to as well.

Shares some physical characteristics with tomatoes/nightshade plants, as he is technically half tomato. He refuses to eat tomatos for this very reason, considering it cannibalism.

Attracts garden pests looking for a tomato plant. This unwittingly makes BOB a pretty good bug zapper.

Still retains his "mental broadcast" ability from "BOB's Big Break" although at a more subtle level. He tends to parrot the things he accidentally "eavesdropped" on.

Is empathetic, and can tell when others aren't doing ok emotionally. Will flop down on someone who’s really sad to comfort them. No brain, only heart.

Best cook out of the monsters. If he doesn’t forget what he’s making at least.

"Whats a gender? Can I eat it?"

Insectosaurus:

Core body is that of a Japanese Silkmoth, although she ended up being spliced with other animals present on the island during her initial mutation; namely ants and ground squirrels.

Eats over a literal ton of mulberry leaves per day. Also enjoys oranges.

Secretly wishes to be more humanoid.

Was only able to pupate and transform due to physical trauma. It seems that her transformation was like a “power-up” that required her to be in geniune distress for it to activate.

First language is Japanese. She learned it from the intial recovery team, and later developed an understanding of English from years in Area 5X.

Goes into torpor in cold weather. Pretty much impossible to wake her up for missions during Winter, as she needs to “rev up” before becoming mobile.

Still very much Link’s best friend. Still enjoys sports, chicks, and beer.

Monger:

Full name is; Warren Rex Monger.

Is very protective of the monsters and will defend them to the death.

Pretty much raised BOB (as seen when BOB was a baby blob in “Night of the Living Carrots”), and considers him his “freaky gelatinous son”.

Has a reputation of being a “control-freak” due to his aggressive overseeing of the monsters’ containment. This toughness is partly because of incidents that occured without his knowledge. Lets just say some scientists have been wedgied/fired for running experiments on the monsters without Monger’s approval.

Has a very “Ron Swanson” emotional response and view of the world. Crying is acceptable only at funerals and at the Grand Canyon (if he hadn’t lost his tear ducts in the war).

Has been married multiple times. Will not confirm or deny if he is currently seeing anyone.

Invisible Man/TiM:

Legit got out but no one at Area 5X is sure how. He suffered a geniune medical emergency and disappeared after surgery. The other monsters were informed that he died from complications to deter them from getting escape ideas.

Is able to be detected in Infrared light. Dr Cockroach managed to rig up goggles to view TiM in case of injury and to foil pranks.

Was a scientist working on an invisibility potion for the military and used himself as a guinea pig. Hasn’t actually been able to replicate his results since - thinks the effect may have been caused by a genetic abnormality.

Dr Cockroach and him are massive rivals. Both actually met eachother pre-transformation through a CalTech expedition. This makes the pair one of few people that have seen the others human face.

Is 100% naked. Was forced to wear clothing once this was discovered.

A massive prankster and a cynic. Him and Link were a force to be reckoned with.

Has revisted the facility multiple times and has started a number of ghost stories.

Any additions are welcome! I proably have alot more to dump about. Might make one of the alien characters from the series

[animeyanderelover]

Maybe some hcs for Nao shimura?

I had to Google that name because I couldn’t connect the name with a face😬🏃‍♀️. At the very least I knew she was a woman and from Bnha…She was the mother of Tomura so she was only briefly mentioned, but I hope it turned out fine.

Tw: Yandere themes, unhealthy mindset, unhealthy relationship, delusions, overprotective behavior, clinginess

Yandere Nao Shimura Hc’s

🌷Nao is a semi-delusional and lovestruck Yandere. She was not exactly blessed with the best husband, even though she dearly loves him. But he constantly punishes Tenko for his wish to be a hero and she hates how he uses violence so by now she truly just wants a happy family with her darling and her two kids. This is why she doesn’t truly think of her love as wrong, maybe because in comparison to many others she is a pretty harmless person for others and her darling. She totally loves cuddling and snuggling with her darling and being near them makes her happy so she is a clingy Yandere as well. Even better if her children join as well.

🌷She is protective, mainly because of her past. She had to watch how her own son was abused and she couldn’t do anything against it until her son activated his quirk and nearly killed them all and her now ex husband nearly killed him. That was where she put a stop and by now her son has special gloves designed to prevent him from destroying everything he touches (that’s how I see a possible ending where she survives). So she just worries a lot over her darling, it is just a part of her nature that has been engraved in her personality.

🌷She likes it when she can make her family happy and her darling is part of her family so she will let them socialize and keep in contact with family and friends. She is a kind woman and so she doesn’t really feel the need to get jealous, she knows that she can put her trust in her darling since they love her and her children. She has a lower chance of getting jealous to begin with, she’s just that much of a patient woman. Even if she gets jealous, she knows to differ when she is just being stupid over a stupid thing or because someone is flirting romantically with her darling. Nao still manages to come over as polite.

🌷She just tries to live a happy life here so why should she kill people? Of course she would do it if there is really no other choice, but she is a normal citizen and not some professional hero and I do not know if she has a quirk or not. And as long as it is over smaller things, she can talk things (hopefully) out with the person. She probably relies on help from heroes and police if someone is causing troubles. Somehow can imagine her son to be very clingy to her darling since they treat him with kindness and tenderness despite his quirk and his looks which is why he might just be described as a platonic Yandere for them. He also realizes that you make his mother happy and so he kind of threatens people a bit and clinging onto you. His sis is more subtle, but she does the same.

🌷Once she marries her darling, she’ll live together with them anyways and that is going to be quite a happy life, despite Tenko and Hana being clingy just like her mother is. Even if she isn’t married yet or doesn’t even live together, she makes sure that she and her children spend a lot of time with them. And so the two little ones start at one point seeing you as their parent and Tenko calls you that as well whilst Hana wouldn’t do it unless she knows you’re fine with it as well. But otherwise she won’t really kidnap her darling, the only problem they might experience more than often is that a little boy is gripping like a monkey with his gloves on their legs and doesn’t want them to leave mama, Hana and him since they’re part of the family. It touches Nao to see that and might be the reason that leads her to confessing finally to them if she didn’t do so before.

🌷Mothers in here seem to be just all very sweetly spilled milks looking back on Inko and Rei. Feel like her children will just naturally become clingy as well and definitely get used to being that way around you as well since they just do what their mother does and especially Tenko becomes a bad case since he was traumatized the most and wants to be loved. Huge fan of family events, let her love and adore her new and happy family. Movie nights, play nights, days where the whole family tries some new recipes, whatever you and her children might come up with. She refuses to see her husband again and let him meet you, not after he was about to attack his son for his manifested quirk. She left the past behind and won’t let him ruin her wonderful and happy family.

[iimpavidwrites]

Benzaiten Steel and the Fragility of Perception

or: reasons why setting boundaries is important #1283

I’ve figured out a reason why Benzaiten Steel stayed with his mother instead of doing the “sensible” thing and moving out. I think that it’s possible, too, that Juno has always been aware of the answer but, in the scope of Juno Steel and the Monster’s Reflection, he isn’t able to face it head-on because it contradicts his black/white, either/or sense of morality.

TL;DR: Despite Juno Steel’s unreliable narration we are able to see clearly the enmeshed relationship Benzaiten had with their mother Sarah and the ways in which that unhealthy family dynamic shaped Juno Steel as a person.

Sources: 50% speculation, 20% lit crit classes, 30% my psychology degree. 

Juno’s perception of Ben is shallow and filtered through the limitations of human memory. We all know by now, too, that Juno’s an Unreliable Narrator™.  In light of this, we need to ask ourselves why it is that Juno remembers Ben as happy, supportive, and only ever gentle in the challenges he poses to Juno. Throughout the episode, Ben’s memory is clearly acting as a comforting psychopomp: he ferries Juno through the metaphorical death of his old understanding of his mother (and also himself) and into a new way of thinking. He does this through persistent-but-kind questions, never telling Juno what to do or how to do it. This role could have been played by anyone in Juno’s life (Mick and Rita come to mind first) which makes it telling that Juno’s mind chose Ben to fill this role.

Juno’s version of Ben is cheerful, endlessly patient with Juno and Sarah, and above all he is compassionate. He acts as a mediating presence between Juno and Juno’s memory of Sarah and he doesn’t ask a whole lot for himself. If this is Juno’s strongest memory/impression of Ben’s behavior and perspective, then we can draw some conclusions about the roles they each played in the Steel family unit: Juno was antagonistic to Sarah and vice versa, and Ben was relegated to the role of mediator for the both of them.

Juno: She’s just evil. Ben: That’s a big word. Juno: “Evil”? Ben: No, “Just”.

We can see in this exchange that Ben is a vehicle for the compassion Juno needs to show not only to Sarah but to himself, too, in order to move on and evolve his understanding of his childhood traumas. 

This is not necessarily an appropriate role for a sibling or a child to hold in a family unit.

In family psychology, one of the maladaptive relationship patterns that is discussed is enmeshment. Googling the term you’ll find a lot of sensational results (e.g. “emotional incest syndrome”) that aren’t necessarily accurate in describing what this dysfunction looks like in the real world. This is in part because enmeshment can present many different ways. So, in order to proceed with this analysis of Benzaiten Steel’s relationship with his mom, I need to define enmeshment. 

Enmeshment occurs when the normal boundaries of a parent-child relationship are dissolved and the parent becomes over-reliant on the child, requiring the child to cater to their emotional needs and to otherwise become a parent to the parent (or to themself and/or to other children in the family). This is easiest to spot when a parent confides in a child as if they’re a best friend, disclosing details of their romantic life, expecting the child to give them advice on coping with work stress, and similar. Once enmeshment occurs, any kind of emotional shift in one member of the enmeshed household will reverberate to the others; self-regulation and discernment (e.g. figuring out which emotions originate in the parent and which ones originate in the child) becomes extremely difficult for the effected child and parent. When an enmeshed child becomes an enmeshed adult they often have issues with self-identity and interpersonal boundaries. For example, they may struggle to define themselves without external validation and expect others to be able to intuitively divine their emotions. After all, the enmeshed adult could do this with their parent and others easily due to hypervigilance cultivated by their parent and they may not understand that such was not the typical childhood experience. These adults are often individuals to whom the advice “don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm” is often relevant and disregarded. They may perceive their own needs as superfluous to others’-- and resent others as a consequence.

Another layer of complication is added when the parent in an enmeshed relationship is an addict, as Sarah Steel was. The enmeshed child often times becomes the physical caregiver to their parent as well and must cope with all the baggage loving an addict brings: the emotional rollercoaster of the parent trying to get clean or the reality of their neglecting or stealing from their child to support their habit or their simply being emotionally absent. Enmeshment leaves children with a lot of conflicting messages about their role in the family, how to conduct relationships, and how to define themself.

We only get an outside perspective on this enmeshment in the Steel family. It’s clear in the text that Juno’s relationship with his mother was fraught. He jokes in The Case of the Murderous Mask that she didn’t kill him but “not for lack of trying”, implying that Ben’s murder wasn’t the first time Sarah Steel lashed out at Juno-- or thought she was lashing out at Juno but hurt Ben instead. During the entire tenure Juno’s trek through the underworld of his own trauma, Juno asks the specter of Benzaiten over and over, “Why did you stay?”. This is a question that Juno himself can’t answer because Ben, when he was alive, probably never gave him an answer that Juno found satisfactory. There are a few possibilities, which I can guess from experience, as to what the answer was:

Ben may never have been able to articulate that his relationship with their mother left him feeling responsible for her wellbeing. 

Or, if he ever told Juno that, Juno may have simply brushed off this concern. After all, as far as Juno was concerned, Sarah was only ever just evil. To protect himself from his mother’s neglect and codependence, Juno shut down his own ability to perspective-take and think about the nuances that might inform a person’s addiction, mental illness, abusive behavior, etc.

It is likely that Ben thought either his mother needed him to survive or, alternatively, that he couldn’t survive without her-- as if often the case with children who are enmeshed with their primary caregiver. It was natural and necessary for him, from this perspective, to stay. Enmeshment is a very real psychological trap.

It is often frustrating and hard as hell to love someone who is in an enmeshed relationship because, from the outside, the damage being done to them seems obvious. See: Juno’s assertion that Sarah was just evil. Juno is, even 19 years later, still angry about Sarah Steel and her failures as a parent and as a person. His thinking on this subject is very black-and-white. He positions Sarah as a Bad Guy in his discussions with Ben-the-psychopomp and the childhood cartoon slogan of “The Good Guys Always Win!” is repeated ad nauseum throughout Juno’s underworld journey. This mode of thinking serves two purposes:

First, it illustrates the role Juno played in the household: he was opposed to Sarah in all things and Sarah did not require any compassion or enmeshment from Juno. Juno was, quite possibly, neglected in favor of Ben which would create a deep resentment… toward both Sarah and toward Ben. This family dynamic would reinforce Juno’s shallow moral reasoning and leave him with vague, unachievable ideals to strive for like “Be One of the Good Guys” or “Don’t Be Like Mom” -- ideals that he can’t reach because he is a flawed human being and not a cartoon character, creating a feedback loop of resentment toward his mother and guilt about resenting Benzaiten. That guilt would further bolster Juno’s shallow memory of Ben as being infallibly patient, kind, loving, etc. 

Second, Juno’s black/white moral reasoning is an in-text expression of the meaning behind Juno’s name. When “Rex Glass” points out that Juno is a goddess associated with protection, Juno immediately has a witty, bitter rejoinder  ready about Juno-the-goddess killing her children. Juno was named for a deity who in some ways strongly resembles Sara Steel and he resents that he is literally being identified as his own mother. Juno-the-goddess has one hell of a temper, being the parallel to Rome’s Hera. Juno is not a goddess (detective) who forgives easily when she (he) knows that a child (Benzaiten Steel) has been harmed. This dichotomy of “venerated protector” versus “vengeful punisher”  causes psychological tension for Juno that is only partially resolved in The Monster’s Reflection. The tension is not fully resolved, however, because Juno never gets a clear answer for the question, “Why did you stay?”

The answer is there but it is one that Juno doesn’t like and so can’t articulate: Ben is enmeshed with Sarah who named him, of all things, Benzaiten and that is why he stayed. We’ve already seen that names have intentional significance in the text. Benzaiten is hypothesized to be a syncretic deity between Hinduism and Buddhism, is a goddess primarily associated with water. Syncretic deities are fusions of similar deities from different religions/cultures; their existence is the result of compromise and perspective-taking and acceptance. Water, too, is forgiving in this way: it takes the shape of whatever container you pour it into... not unlike a child who is responsible for the emotional wellbeing of their entire family unit. Not unlike Benzaiten Steel.

Ben stayed with his mother because his relationship with his mother was enmeshed, leaving him little choice but to stay, and this ultimately led to tragedy. Sarah Steel’s failures as a parent are many and Juno still has a lot of baggage to unpack in that regard, especially where Ben is concerned. It’s unlikely that we’ll get the same kind of “speedrunning therapy” episode again but I know that The Penumbra is committed to a certain amount of psychological realism in its character arcs so I am confident in asserting that Juno Steel isn’t finished. Recovery is a journey and he’s only taken the first steps.

[unforth]

Could you elaborate on the parallels between the Scorpion and his dad and WKX and Purple Danger? I find that thought really interesting! <3

Oh my god you're asking me for meta? No one asks me for meta!!! Getting this made me so happy, thank you! And yes, I'd be delighted to!

Lemme preface this by saying: I have not read the book, and I've only seen episodes 1 through 27, and while I do know some spoilers for past what I've seen, I don't know everything, and I obviously can't speak to changes in dynamics that may happen past what I've watched.

So, I noted in this post that I felt like I'd just gotten slapped in the face by the parallels between Zhao Jing, and his relationship with Xie-er, and Wen Kexing, and his relationship and Gu Xiang. Specifically, the lines in episode 26 that caught me were these:

And the contrasts and similarities that they drew to these scene from Episode 24, which I watched yesterday:

(all screen caps are by me - I won’t have more screen caps just cause I really don’t have time to hunt them all down, I’m sorry, but the first two were easy to grab, and the second two I’d already taken cause that scene really got to me yesterday).

These lines, coming only two episodes apart, seemed like a really stark and deliberate effort to show a connection in the attitudes of Zhao Jing and Wen Kexing. They've also got some similarities in the childhood/history that got them to this point: Zhao Jing's family was fallen from grace, as was Wen Kexing's. Both are noted as seeming different from the "regular" people around them - Wen Kexing, it's explicit; with Zhao Jing, it's more how others seem to behave around him. It's harder to get a sense of Zhao Jing, since his own self-report is so dubious and the flashbacks we get to the Rong Xuan era are all given from the perspective of different unreliable narrators, whereas Wen Kexing's memories seem fairly intact (well, water of forgetfulness aside) and match the other remembrances we get of the same scenes.

With those similar, dubious foundations, they both resolve from a young age to take revenge for the perceived slights committed against them - and both have decided that regardless of who the specific instigators are for their suffering, they have no compunction about involving innocents as a whole. Zhao Jing wants the power he feels has been denied to him, and sets about conspiring to get that power. To achieve that, he sets about on a course that involves lying and using literally everyone who can help him. Likewise, while I'm still definitely missing some damn important of Wen Kexing's backstory (starting with, who protected the dog for him, and how he went from "kid getting regularly beaten by the previous ghost king" to "adult who is said to have literally eaten the previous ghost king"), he also clearly sets out to gain power through whatever means he can, and to survive, though from the get-go, his goal is essentially the inverse of Zhao Jing's: Zhao Jing wants to lift himself up, and sees nothing but virtue in doing so; Wen Kexing wants to bring everyone else down, and knows he's damned through-and-through for it.

(They're parallels, not matches, just to be clear! It's not that I'm saying everything is the same - on the contrary, it's the differences that makes it so intriguing).

Now, then, at some point relatively early in this entire process, each of these young men found a child. Given that Xie’er and Wen Kexing and Zhou Zishou are of the same generation, presumably they’re all around the same age - 27 or so - and also presumably, the previous generation were all in their late teens to early twenties when they had their own disastrous round of adventuring. So, if Xie’er is, say, 25, and Zhao Jing was probably around 20 (since he was one of the younger folks in the flashbacks), and 20 years have passed, and Xie’er was probably around the same age as child Wen Kexing when he was found? (I don’t know, and I don’t know if that’s ever established, sorry) So around 7? Then we’ve Xie’er being adopted by Zhao Jing and Wen Kexing being adopted by the Ghost King, each almost exactly 20 years ago. Presumably, also, Zhao Jing marries...drat, I can’t remember her name...was it Li Yao or something???...right around the same time - hence why Xie’er would think of her as a mother. Anyway, sorry, I’m really tired and I just lost the thread slightly, but the point is: a 20-or-so-year-old Zhao Jing finds a young Xie’er; and a few years later, a likely-early-teens-aged Wen Kexing finds a toddler Gu Xiang (because Wen Kexing is 27 now, and Gu Xiang is I’m guessing around 18, and she’s likely 3ish when Wen Kexing finds her, so that’d make her 3 or 4, and him 12 or 13). 

And here’s where the parallels really show the essential differences between these men, despite the areas of commonality in the hate they hold toward the world and their desire to see the world brought low.

Because, given a small child, Wen Kexing’s immediate, clear thought is: I will never let this child experience what I have been through. Now, he’s busted, and he’s crazy, so from that point of view, he still does her harm: she thinks of murder as nothing (as does Xie’er) for example. But even in that, the motivations are different. Gu Xiang says it herself after she kills the beggar and Cao Weining confronts her about it: if a person is out to harm her, if a person even might harm her, isn’t she justified in killing him? If that isn’t the quintessential Wen Kexing lesson right there, I don’t know what is: “Gu Xiang, you don’t kill because I tell you to, and you don’t kill for fun, and you don’t kill for no reason - but the moment, the very instant, you have a reason? Don’t hesitate, because if you do, you’ll be the corpse, not them.” Everything Wen Kexing teachers Gu Xiang is with the aim of helping her survive in the cruelest environment in the world, one that has flayed him and raked him over the coals over and over and over again. Further, despite the hints I’ve seen so far that he has early allies at Mount Qingya (Tragicomic Ghost has been shown to at minimum pity him, and find him an odd curiosity), Wen Kexing entrusts no one else with the most vulnerable creature who has ever come into his life (well, aside from that adorable puppy, which I have the bad feeling is going to be shown to be horribly murdered before his eyes, possibly by his own hand to prove a point...that would be thematically appropriate...). He gives Gu Xiang the tools to survive and fight for herself, even against him, and when she even begins to suggest she might prefer to be somewhere else - when he sees evidence of her finding happiness - he does everything he can to encourage her joy, support her happy ending, and free her. Wen Kexing is Gu Xiang’s father, in every useful interpretation of the term - she may call him master, and others might call her his maid, but their relationship is tender, encouraging, mutually supportive, and loving. Wen Kexing wants what is best for Gu Xiang, even at the expense of his own comfort and happiness, because he cares for her that essentially and deeply - and she likewise goes out of her way to protect him more than once.

MEANWHILE.

Given a small child, though I haven’t yet seen any flashbacks to when Xie’er was little and I don’t even know if there are any, it’s really obvious that Zhao Jing instantly goes, “how can I best use this to my advantage?” Instead of setting about to build this child up to be a functional adult who can stand up to the challenges that threatened to crush Zhao Jing’s life, Zhao Jing deliberately sabotages Xie’er’s ability to function as an independent unit. He teachers Xie’er to kill, not to protect himself, but on command - to kill because Zhao Jing says so, who Zhao Jing says, on even the merest whim, and is so successful at doing so that Xie’er has even less respect for life than Zhao Jing does (which was never much to begin with). Further, while we know that Wen Kexing will kill to protect Gu Xiang, Zhao Jing never so much as lifts a finger to do his own dirty work, and has zero compunction about throwing Xie’er under the bus when he suits his ends. In 27, he flat out says - “if you keep acting like this, and kill the Gentle Wind Sect, you’ll ruin me - which means I can never let you stand next to me in public.” He says this when he knows that Xie’er craves his approval and that one of Xie’er’s most cherished objects in all he’s done is to reach a point where he can stand at Zhao Jing’s shoulder as an acknowledged heir and successor and proudly say, “yes, I did all those things to help my father, because I’m a good son.” Further, Zhao Jing is constantly abusive and manipulative. When Xie’er does what Zhao Jing has trained him to do, on command (like a dog? more parallels??), Zhao Jing praises him, touches him kindly (and when else do you think Xie’er is ever getting touched kindly? Nothing like the casual and appropriate physical intimacy with which Wen Kexing and Gu Xiang shoulder bump and interact) and tells him how precious he is. The instant Xie’er steps a toe out of line, Zhao Jing denigrates him, threatens to take away that which Xie’er most wants (acknowledgement), scolds him, calls him a fool, says he doesn’t understand. Zhao Jing calls Xie’er his son, and insists that Xie’er call him yifu, and the world may even see that way - though they hardly can, since Zhao Jing refuses to be publicly associated with Xie’er - but they couldn’t be less related when compared to Wen Kexing, who allows all to see him call Gu Xiang his servant even as he flagrantly, publicly, repeatedly treats her as his child - culminating in the speech he gives Cao Weining when he gives permission for them to wed.

Everything Wen Kexing does, as fucked up as some of it is, is done with the aim of building Gu Xiang up into a strong, independent, functional adult who is less stained than himself and capable of pursuing happiness in the world.

And everything Zhao Jing does, all of which is equally if not more fucked up than what Wen Kexing does, is done with the aim of tearing Xie’er down, making him a powerful tool - a trained dog, if you will - and a dependent person who can be deployed on an enemy and must be kept permanently off-balance so that he never ever is an independent, functional adult - and, to help ensure that, he deliberately orders Xie’er to commit depraved acts that guarantee that Xie’er is more stained than himself, and therefore incapable of finding happiness in the world.

Anyway, I could probably go on, but I gotta leave to drive my kid to school and run a couple errands, but, in conclusion: when Zhao Jing said, “the world has failed me, and I shall do the same to the world,” and it became clear to me that he and Wen Kexing essentially share (or at least shared) the same core goal, I was struck by a lightning bolt about the parallels and contrasts between them as people, and them as father’s, and here you go.

Hope this is coherent, I’m really sleepy and in a rush. :D And I hope it answers your question!

(Also dear everyone: if you reply to this or add to it in reblogs I ask that you please respect that I’ve only seen to episode 27, and not rip me apart for things I haven’t seen yet, and try to avoid giving me spoilers? I know a few - or at least I think I do - like I know all the Major Character Death stuff - but I’m sure if you’ve seen the whole series you can spot places where you, dear reader, know things I don’t, and I’d ask that you not ruin those places for me, because I’m watching as fast as I can - about one episode a day - and I’d rather find out for myself. Thank you!)