#i think im just mentally ill im ngl | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

cohozuna · 7 months ago

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one of the biggest things i had to come to grips with art wise is that i can do realism pretty well but just completely fail at anything stylized. sure i can make a pretty picture from what i see but what does it matter when the only thing people take from it is "waow so good thought it was a picture" yeah its a compliment but its one that makes me feel awful bc i realize i do not want my shit to look like a picture. i FUCKING SUUUUCK at drawing and that isnt me being hehe quirky artist who says they cant draw and actually can i mean this shit is difficult as fuck and nobody would understand the extent to how awful i am at actually drawing unless they see me try to. all of my finished pieces were absolutely painstaking and i see ppl do the stuff that takes me many hours much quicker and with more personality with about the same experience shit makes me insane i am trying to learn but my god its like my brain just does not want to cooperate with me it makes it so so hard because i just have an awful mental block. genuinely used to just draw effortlessly (albeit not as well so at least i AM improving somewhat) but now even the simplest shit just overwhelms me. idk what it is. i like to think im pretty good with paintings but god it is so so difficult to do what i wanna without it taking far too long. i am so jealous of ppl who can do quality sketches on a whim. ive noticed i do a lot better blocking out a silhouette and then drawing lines over that when i sketch. makes me think im just not very line-brained?? stupid way to put it idgaf its 5 am. i dont wanna just whinge and cry about it but it is truly aggravating and so deeply frustrating to feel like im regressing in my ability to Just Draw because its undoubtedly a psychological thing. ive just been in this rut for yrs now its awful. thinking about buying a sketchbook again tbh

#goodnight #i kust dont know how to explain it #i know im not unique here i am not the specialest most tormented artist #but holy fuck does it feel like its especially bad for me #its been like this for years now #im getting better while drawing far less and with much greater difficulty #i think im just mentally ill im ngl #its some sort of fear of inadequacy i dont know god that is so gay DHUT UP!!!#i wanna enjoy art again and i wanna do it more often god damnit im going to make it happen #ive been taking steps to at elast try and make it happen again i just cannot keep being in this damn rut i hate it #god i am so mad i #and i do enjoy my paintings i just think #that theyre lame #when i do them again i want to do more original shit and put some meaning and feeling to it beyond 'waow impressive'#i have lots of ideas for shit like that its just difficult ss fuck to actuslly get myself to do it #lazy motherfucker!!!#poasting

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casperth3ghost · 1 month ago

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guys how do you explain to your friends who have suffered for months hearing u yap about one specific character that youre losing intrest in said character

#I ALWAYS FEEL SO BAD WHEN I START LOSING HYPERFIXATIONS😭🙏#hehe guys im havinh a conundrum #my brain worms have decided werehog and stupid vampire man from old book are silly #i never thought at any era in mh life id be into twilight #god please helo me #edward cullen WHEN I GET YOU #you too sonic youre not out of this either #mf werehog bro #PLEASE HELO ME MY POOR PINTREST MOOTS WHO FOLLOWED ME FOR TTS😭🙏#sorry fam my brain had other plans!!!#ngl this is probably one of those hyperfixations i get for like 2 months because of the dopamine kick i get #and then i go back to beinh chronic over my previous fixation😭🙏#so if u guys start seeing me beinh less active/postinh about other things not related to tts just know thats why #also hunger games #i think my brain is making me read #like i have bad data at my house so i cant use ao3 so i moved over to physical books #and ive never read twilight before bcuz i thought it wasnt for me #thats always how i am oh my god #but like my teacher told me to read it #and my mom has all the hunger games books and i havent read anythinh from that series either(but i have watched the movies)#so like #im having a book lover mentally ill teen girl moment #hey atleast bbg pintrest has my back❤️#pintrest is my og #yall dont fw pintrest like i do

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adhderall · 2 months ago

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well as you can see besides being ugly as all fuck I'm also extremely bitter so that doesn't help at all in making me appealing. but it also comes with the territory you see, being treated as a hideous freak of nature for your whole life kind of does things to your psyche.

also going into shit in the tags as an extreeeemely jaded individual who's been on every side of the discourse and KNOWS it all VERY PERSONALLY so I know many people will find all sorts of different reasons to hate me (if they want ig) because I'm ~politically homeless~ at this point because I'm sick and tired of everything but whatever

(also fuck I ran out of space in the tags so another post maybe idk. )

#so. i get why people are against children transitioning i really do. and i have my own nuanced complicated feelings about it #but honestly. im beginning to believe id be more well-adjusted by now even if just a bit if i had started larping as male by 15.#would it fix all of my problems? no. but it would make a lot of things in my life much smoother and easier.#but i was sooo deep into raddie/gc shit that i had this fucking. complex about not wanting to troon because its ~cheating~#and 'omg all the butches are leaving!!1 butch flight i cant be one of them!!!1'#'i MUST be a good example for all the young girls!!!1' a weird sort of almost martyr-like complex if you will.#but as i get older im like... honestly man fuuuuccckkkkk this.#barely anybody expects straight or even bi women to abstain from dating men forever For the Good of Womankind #its not seen as Expected but rather Exceptional and Wow Amazing if you do.#and anyone who Expects it is seen as a ~crazy extremist~#meanwhile lesbians and especially HSTS are almost fucking Expected to sacrifice themselves for the ~greater good~#and ngl other lesbiams perpetuate this shit too.#oh you CANT transition even if you feel it'll make your life easier because because because #[arguments that would really only apply to OSA females transitioning]#[strawman] [misinterpreted stats] [unverified reddit posts]#and if all else fails 'think of how the very act of doing so will HURT ALL OF WOMANKIND'#no fucking wonder dysphoric lesbians develop an fucking insane martyr complex and start to treat hrt/transitioning like its fucking crack #'ill give into the temptation if i see a happy trans person ohh nooo so nobody should be allowed to troon'#like thats not fucking normal! you realize thats NOT FUCKING NORMAL right?#youre acting like a deranged christian who is so afraid of sinning by wrongthink #and disclaimer no. i dont inherently hate being female or a lesbian but with the way i am physically and mentally #i would have/have had a Much easier time integrating into society as a ~man~. just because of how i am physically and mentally.#now i wont say internalized homophobia/etc. NEVER has anything to do with transition or etc. but im gonna be real #for HSTS (which are extremely rare in the first place) thats often only a very small part of it at most.#its often more about making our lives easier and integrating better without having to completely remold our entire personalities.#thats the reality.#would we not transition if society have patriarchy/gender roles/sexism? perhaps. i wont deny that possibility.#the fact of the matter is however #that it wont be happening any time soon. so we just want our lives to be easier.#'oh but youre lying to yourself' not necessarily. i dont have a ~gender identity~ and im well aware of myself and my situation.

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phagodyke · 26 days ago

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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍

#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man #thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking #mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they #dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done #listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life #i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this #once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i #dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this #ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be #i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about #how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being #given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out #entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please #its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have #to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once #and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general #feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this #but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is #i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired #i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if #i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore #i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr #and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning #my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better #it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood #my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it #cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen #.vent #ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.

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creepy-scrawl · 2 months ago

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My gf begged me to be on FB and I went there for a week and I felt so 🤡🤡🤡🤡 bc her main argument is that she misses me so much and "that is a way to interact in our day to day" but I'm there w no one to talk to and she is not even there. It just made me feel so stupid and even sadder bc I feel so alone in my relationship.

#i get her mental illness.. i would never throw a tantrum about her availability... i know she struggles..i know its even infuriating for her #shes asleep most of the time.. if i want to see her is me who has to organize things. im overworking learning dbt therapy...#i work a lot to make the minimun wage.. and still i make time to investigate about her bpd and adhd i try so hard to make her feel Cherised #i get her family is not the best.. i really dont think her mother is a bad person but she is a botch w her...#but ngl.. the fact that my gf doesnt even listen to the audios i send bc im bussy to text ... hurts... i feel alone ... i do feel alone #ive always been a lonely child.. ive always been pretty independent... but i sometimes feel like ppl take that #as an invitation to ignore me...#and this thing may be silly.. is just fb...but fb stresses the f out of me.. and ngl it feel sad im there. sharing stuff through out the day #and she doesnt even notices it... idk...#in just 🤡🤡🤡🤡 always i guess #venting #delete later

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perenlop · 1 year ago

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i love kirby super star fanfic or comic adaptations where marx and kirby are actually best friends during the course of the entire game and marx blindsides kirby, to the point where i want to do something soooort of similar with my kirbyverse, but i also just kinda love how in canon marx was just like “im gonna very specifically ruin this guys week”

#i think marx is less outright evil and murdery and more ''i just want to fuck around with no one to stop me''#saw itsquakey say that marx seemed to be an antagonist more out of petty antagonism where he just wanted to play tricks with no backlash #and i gotta replay milky way wishes again to verify that bc ill admit i never paid that much attention to his dialogue but thats interesting #or at least it differentiates him from magolor a bit more #who more or less just outright wants to rule the universe #im torn on whether or not i want him and kirby to be besties tho #for one im like. so unsure if i want him to be the same age as kirby #bc ngl ive always seen marx as rather young so i saw him and kirby as being the same age at one point #and magolor was also the same as them. but now i firmly see magolor as like in his early 20s or so mentally #mayyybe a late teen at best? and i feel like if he and marx are gonna be a duo itd be cool to keep em the same age?#but then i want marx and kirby to be like. direct parallels in some way like idk. theyre the same age yet had totally different circumstance #that shaped who they became (still sort of want to play into my ''marx is a mirror of kirby'' hc from when i was little)#ig i could just also age up kirby but like youll have to pry child kirby from my dead hands #none of this matters ik its not like i ship marxolor or marxby or anything (anymore) but like idk #maybe im overthinking it LOL #idk tho basically idea is that marx and kirby are actually childhood best friends who've known each other since they were newborns #but like. besides that i have no ideas sdklfjsdlkfjsdlkfsd i used to have an edgy ass backstory for marx where his parents were murdered #and thats valid if you have something like that for his backstory but idk if i want to go that route anymore #bc marx is less villainous here and more ''i have no real moral compass and i want to fuck with people''#idk im throwing spaghetti at the wall btw nothing here is verified at all #echoed voice

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jerseygirljasontodd · 10 months ago

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I so seldom post because I get shy (hence why I ramble so deeply in tags... I have so many thoughts but so little backbone). BUT I've been reading Batman and Robin (2009) aka Dick and Damian's Batman and Robin run, and my GOD. I came across a page from when Bruce finally returns from being lost in time, that was just BEGGING to be used in a web weaving post. I think I have to make it, I really do. Oh Brucie Baby, oh "What Resembles the Grave But Isn't" by Anne Boyer, we're really in it now

#like i saw doctor hurt aka thomas wayne (but not THAT thomas wayne a thomas wayne from like 1700) talking abt holes and OH GOD #'im your father! my mentally ill son- i made this hole that you'll never stop falling into!' oh my GOD #i literally was like 'HAS ANYONE DONE THE HOLE WHICH RESEMBLES THE GRAVE JUXTAPOSED W THIS?? HOW HAS NO ONE DONE THAT?'#tho mb someone has already lmao #like the metaphor that this thomas is NOT bruce wayne's father. but is what he is saying untrue to bruce's father in a metaphorical sense?#like... not thinking of how doctor hurt created a hole bruce fell into. but thinking abt how mb his father did inadvertently by dying?#with that hole being like. ALL of this. bruce as batman. the never ending mission #as dr. hurt speaks he invokes a language that forces juxtaposition to the REAL thomas. which makes us realize a truth abt the real thomas #because when we consider his words and consider the REAL thomas. we realize that those words (in a diff context) apply to bruce's father to #and THAT. is fucking. just. OOOOOF like omg it's so much #batman and robin (2009)#batman and robin #thomas wayne #doctor hurt #idrk how to tag that man im ngl...#tagging just thomas wayne here works tho bc like it ISSSS abt THAT thomas and bruce as much as it is abt doctor hurt and bruce #bruce wayne #mine #meta

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scarletiswailing347 · 1 year ago

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you can really tell i mellowed out about zam cause i draw him about as much as i do my other blorbos now aka never lol jk

#mine.txt #personal cw #not really a vent just me musing about my brain #i should really train myself to draw according to when *i* want rather than according to when my mental illness wants #cause like as much fun as it is it also has detrimental effects #like for example my more detailed drawings can sometimes take all night and id refuse to sleep until i finish it #cause i feel the overwhelming need to get it done #even tho i dont Want to get it done cause i want to go to sleep #also should be on tumblr less cause ngl it takes up way too much of my time #i like reading (non narrative) words and tumblr has a lot of them #honestly im never gonna solve these two specific problems until i manage to get to the root of them #aka my hatred of sleep and my want to see other ppls experiences respectively #both of which stem from my emotional negligence resulting in a weird existential kind of fomo #but til then i need to set up some temporary solutions cause this is Not sustainable #like i literally wrote this at 1 am even though ive been so sleepy for like 3 hours now #i think the best solution rn is to take up exercise that way id have no choice But to have a proper sleep schedule cause exhaustion #but i Refuse to do that when im around other ppl and unfortunately i have roommates #so gotta find something else

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cheesydelphox · 2 years ago

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just a little reminder in case you forgot

thanks for your time have a good fay

#i want to project this image out of my brain and onto the wall in front of me #i need some help ngl #sometimes i lie awake at night thinking about the fact that i'll never be loved like they loved each other (in canon btw it was canon)#wait no i don't. i don't think about anything actually #i should just start posting my drawings #maybe that will help with the pain #ooooooo im mentally ill about them oooooo #laharbolt #fairy tail

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todayisafridaynight · 2 years ago

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ok controversial opinion i actually dont mind kiryu and majima’s english voices

#snap chats #this is the only time im gonna talk about kiryu and majima in one post thats insane #BUT YEAH NO as we all know i was replaying y7 last night #and maybe it is just because ive replayed it so much and im accustomed to their english voices #but they really arent as bad as people say they are ?#majima esp honestly im actually glad they went with mercer #i mean ill ALWAYS be happy if mercer's involved in something but now i just feel like the voice fits #this post was made mostly with majima in mind ngl but yeah i dont mind kiryu either #i know yesterday i was talking about how english voices being deeper makes sense #but i actually like how kiryu's voice is slightly higher pitched. Keyword Slightly its very small #im still not super happy about daigos voice tho. i dont think thats changing anytime soon #again no hate to RCS im just mentally ill about daigo </3 #ehh. maybe it could grow on me.#its not TERRIBLE im like thinking about it and its not TERRIBLE #trying to find beat-for-beat VAs is never going to be easy or perfect #i always try to keep that in mind and like. i think RCS could have worked??#he just sounds too firm/stern sometimes and daigo speaks very hushed #but im getting off topic this post was supposed to be bout kiryu and majima goddamn 💀

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skitskatdacat63 · 2 years ago

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I have a race notebook and also the standings written on a board in my room(im a nerd) and im very hesitant to write down any results ngl, cause im super unsure if we're gonna get a fernando saudi situation w carlos or not??

#i just feel so bad for him #i apologize for laughing a bit at his radio i was a bit hysterical at that moment in time forgive me #now in hindsight i think if i rewatched it i might cry #but ig ill be stalking the f1 app a bit #who knows! anything could happen!! this season but this race especially has exemplified that!#heres the thing which i said in the tags of my highlights post #like yeah i did get upset during that race a few times and am still befuddled but like i still enjoyed the fuckery!! it was wild #ah i wish i could consicely write out my thoughts but im still just losing it ngl #i cant believe its been 4 hours since the race started.......#i need to calm down and sleep so i dont explode #aahhhhhh i wanna go write out all the results but im scared smth will change #then again i feel like those results nearly were so different at the beginning of the 3rd restart #im still really not mentally over the 2nd restart i think i need to watch it again bcs i was simply: losing. my. shit.#but all my gifing and posting tonight was so fun!! i wouldnt miss it for the world so thanks for being w me :)#i wanna go read fic or smth bcs man im wired for it being 5 fucking am....#catie.rambling.txt #ramble ramble ramble bcs i think its gonna take a lot for me to calm down LOL

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theodore-lasso · 2 years ago

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I have to do a six month review at work and it goes for AN HOUR. Girl in what world do you have an hour's worth of stuff to talk to me about.

#i have to do fucking paperwork #bro im ngl if they ask me a single question about my time im gonna go blank depression has wiped my memory CLEAN of the past 6 months #i got Nothing #my ability to think critically??? gone #also my boss straight up keeps being like. haha jamie is the me from 5pm to midnight. but don't tell anyone ive said that because then i #have to pay them more #and im like. youve just said it. in front of someone haha pay me more and hes like haha #and theyve never pulled me up on anything so im like. can i just continue doing what im doing #im scared theyre gonna ask me to do more than what im currently doing which. im not doing without a payrise #or will ask me whats my plan for the future which idk how to bullshit rn with how mentally ill i am #im like my plan for the future is not killing myself thank you v much for checking in #and they're like oh i meant career wise #and im like yeah okay then making enough money to keep myself from offing myself haha which is what im currently getting so we good #i just clean up other peoples messes that's my job. and we're gonna get more people and more fuck ups #that i will continue to look after

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bingobongobonko · 2 years ago

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mumble mumble. today's not my day. paid bills which good! good! okay, thats good! paid! and might have new job, emphasis on might. i dont know if ill get it. feel like shit. idk. yeah that's normal week. might make a comm post as much as the idea stresses me out, like i understand its important and what people do, and i genuinely understand others who do, because why the hell wouldnt they, it just feels so weird on my part. yk. idk idk idk idk, my brain is weird. if it's fine for other people, if not awesome, same goes for me? i think? so why am i so panicked. im a hypocrite who's bad at this. after i finish this twist character sheet and the comm from my friend gonna make a public commissions post i think. or try to

#fool's monologue #i wont lie. the last time i tried i nearly puked out of nerves #its not that serious #but my brain really thinks it is #i fucking love working on comms but i think my brain thinks im asking for help which it is extremely scared of #boy i am just boosting commissions calm down #mental illness tuesday i guess. its fine its fine its fine #i paid the bills! this is what matters! i can do it next month just need to believe in myself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#and i DO!!!#my neighbor was talkin to me and he kinda just said randomly. i think youre gonna be somebody #and ngl made me wanna cry but i was like Oh thanks!#i dont know if i believe that but it did mean a lot #thanks old man. you make me feel a little bit hopeful #in your honor i will not have a mental breakdown promise. so fucking stable.

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kalashtars · 18 days ago

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first night on lexapro & I got told it makes ppl drowsy.... tell me why it's 4 am and I'm still up then 🧍‍♂️