#i just dont want to be diagnosed lol
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i think i need to get back to translating so i could keep my emotions and my thoughts in check. get my mind off things. or else i'd really break down one of these days.
#my post#breaking down is one of the worst#when you havent done so for a long time#i guess that's why my emotions are unstable again#i need a good cry ngl#so i could at least have some control again#sometimes i start to think if im seriously mentally ill#maybe i am#i just dont want to be diagnosed lol
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I’m a trans man that recently got diagnosed with hyper mobile eds, so now seeing Steve makes me extra happy, because cool disabled ftm rep. Thanks for making the radical dude bro, he’s funky.
same disability (waving hand emoji)
Always extremely fulfilling to know my work makes people happy in some small way, it means a lot. Thank you for sharing with me
#I dont talk about having eds cause its not specifically really relevant to my work#been diagnosed with it since 17. woag 10 years next april...#anyways. yeah idk I like the blog to be about my art and I'm used to people asking me a LOT of questions about EDS or disability or canes#just a lot of stuff unrelated to my art. I'm happy to talk about it but I don't want it to be the focus of my blog!#So I've p much chosen to mostly just. not talk about it. even though I'm literally fine talking about it#it's just rarely relevant and no one needs to know LOL#but. I also know that EDS can feel very lonely#and that it's really nice to know other people out there have it#so. hi anon you're not alone#also just in case. literally don't feel bad about anything in the tags here LOL#mostly just like 'please people do not start sending me asks about whether or not you should go to the doctor'#or asks about ableist family members#or venting about pain...#just a lot of invasive and boundary crossing asks the more I talk about it hahahah#but I don't mind sharing at all.#sorry I think I lost the plot on this one#good luck on your journey. starting to accomodate yourself does wonders#and really just extremely happy my work could reach you in this way#sending you love#asks#anon
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Uugghhhhhhhhhhhh why do autism evaluations have to be so complicated
#idk i started looking into them#at this point in my life im not going to like. idk die if i dont 100% know if im autistic#if anything im p sure its both adhd and autism#im also ocd so#either way. i finally accept i am neurodivergent. I know my body i know my mind#but itd be nice to not second guess myself yknow#i heard the waiting lists r crazy#and the priv assessment costs r crazy#keep hearing horror stories abt biased doctors#its all just so#my friend whos diagnosed can so easily say she doesnt vibe w self diagnosis#her family was thankfully v accepting and supportive#im so happy for her#but my family is not like that ...... i slipped thru the cracks very easily lol#she told me to go get assessed and like ofc. i want to. id love to!#sjajdkdkwkd idk#brain stuff#minnie post#99.9% sure im audhd like#how can i not be looking back on my Entire Fucking Life
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ngl i've been dealing with burnout for nearly this entire year and the goddamn hurricane Did Not Help but by now it's shifted to this very weird flavor where i'm like constantly rotating drawing ideas & full fics i want to write in my brain & Really Wanting to work on them but then once i get as far as opening sai or google docs i just go "hm. dont wanna"
#trousled rants#i'm blaming my shitty freshman year of college idc. started so strong and then my second semester gave me 13 well-researched essays........#fun fact if any college freshmen are reading this & also still learning to navigate freshly-diagnosed disabilities um. dont do that#a lotta ppl can handle it fine but im a new media major bro im not built for that shit. i am getting a degree in shapes and colors#anyway this is mostly me explaining why i've been so inactive lol. obviously helene did A Number but i was already smoldering before that#i'll get back to ebony eventually.....i'll update napstabot eventually........i'll get back on the atbb refs grind eventually..............#i actually got as far as finishing both sf bros & moving onto stretch since i last worked on em. but i have to redo him bc i dont like ittt#the pose wasn't working w me and the small changes i made didnt give him as strong of a silhouette as i thought lol#there's also a oneshot idea i've had in my brain long enough to know exactly what words i want to use to describe certain specific details#i know precisely how it starts and how it ends and how i'll transition from one thing to another and how to make it all connect#and i have not written a single sentence 👍#blah blah u get it another update from my wambulance#at this point i'm just annoyed about it more than anything ngl#may things get So Much Easier in 2025. or god help me i will make it everyone else's problem
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Daily Neuro-Divergent Character #27
Rae!
Aka one of my irl besties!
She canonically has autism, depression, and anxiety!
Happy birthday to her! @matcopii!
#its her birthday#so i decided to post this lol#sorry im so late#i was planning on doing a real one today as well but it got too late#sorry#she also isnt actually keanu reeves#she just loves him#keanu#keanu reeves#matcopii#daily autism#daily anxiety#daily depression#daily neurodivergent#birthday#REMINDER I WONT DO REAL PEOPLE!#this is only for her birthday and I got her permission#shes also actually diagnosed#I do not want to do real people because#A. I dont have permission#B. I dont wanna like diagnose them or anything
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#aaaand thats a 3rd doctor. a psychiatrist. who listened to me ans thought: mm sounds like bip0lar lol#me: wow its so easy to get diagnosed as bip0lar. thats bc u r exhibiting lots of depression and a limit amount of mood elevation. that's#like. thats what bip0lar is. she was like yea ppl with bip0lar 2 spend like 75% of time being depressed and a lil elevated mood... which#sounds like what u r describing. me:#...yeah. but again its complicated by the 0cd and spectrum issues. but she independently brought up 4dhd. just when i was like no its all#0cd. here we r again. stuck back in the messy overlap. but whatever i got proscribed bip0lar medicine. lam1ctal. we'll see#bc everyone i talk to is like. we need to control the mood 1st. like so u dont die. and im like hm yeah good call lol#she seems super cool tho. like i would love to just talk to her. ugh. she wants to get a handle on the mood and then maybe add a stimulant#bc shes had it happen in thr past where someone comes in with debiltating 0cd and got treated with lam1ctol and a stimulant and the#obsessive rumination stopped. so well see. idk if ill actually qualify as 4dhd enough. well see. fingers crossed#my mood is a lil elevated rn so its all fun. well see if we tip off a cliff bc im getting less sleep and go go going#unrelated#ugh im scared to start the medine tho bc the ssri i got proscribed fucked me up so much. which is also an indicator of bip0lar#god dammit. if this works im gonna have to actually accept the idea of being bip0lar. i mean. it makes sense being on that spectrum#is just sounds insane and i was not expecting it despite my fucking obsession with understanding wtf my deal is#idk. whatever. doesnt matter
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Remembering that a 4 hour psychological test means 4 hours under the examiner's microscope. I hope they let me listen to music during a written test, but idk if that would defeat the purpose or not. I... really don't know what to expect tomorrow, and it's kind of making me a bit nervous. Lol.
#speculation nation#i dont like to be psychologically analyzed. god i just remembered i have therapy this week too.#which that at least. i mean it's uncomfortable but ultimately it's just talking.#psychological testing they are gonna be Watching me. there will be the questions but also they will be judging my actions#and im so used to masking but that would actually go against me in that instance.#and i really hope theyll let me listen to music bc 4 hours of silence sounds like hell on fucking earth.#but i dont know if that's. part of the process??? put me through stress to see what makes me tick???#my goal is to get an adhd diagnosis but im also scared theyre gonna pick up on the autism.#im gonna be honest. but i didnt plan to get the autism diagnosed bc i dont want the downsides of that#ya know. societal and institutional ableism. etc etc. they might take away opportunities from me.#but it goes hand in hand. and surely it couldnt be too bad if they pick up on it...#i could manage through 4 hours without music but itd be hard. and it could do bad things to my brain.#i think im preemptively prickling up. like a porcupine. i dont want them Looking at me.#i need to just... chill out. whatever comes will come. and it's ultimately in my best interests.#this is what i need to get my adhd meds. it'll be worth it.#..... but im also worried about what else might show up. i know i got Problems. but i dont want them to... know about them.#all sorts of awful invasive questions about me and my past.#for someone who acts like such an open book i really am so allergic to actual emotional vulnerability huh?#decent chance i'll just dissociate thru the whole thing. to get through it.#cut the emotions off. who needs em. the brain can factually answer things without the emotions' input.#anyways im gonna go do some chores. peace#negative/#lol.
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I have started to accept I am a bit more (re a lot more) psychologically unstable than I thought for a long time and man…. I’m tired of it
#I was in a relatively good mood today#work hasn’t been too bad and I get two days off starting tomorrow#(it’s rare for me to get consecutive days so I’m excited!)#plus my time off request for a weekend in may got approved and I’m super excited for the plans that are happening on that weekend#and then my roommate messaged me bitching about my cat and now I’m spiraling#hate everything hate myself anxiety levels skyrocketed feeling the intense need to upend/annihilate my entire life and start from scratch#questioning anyone who has ever said they care about me etc etc etc and it’s like wow! because of one vague text message!#this is not a normal response haha! and now that I’m aware of that#I’ve become a lot more intensely aware that these insane mood drops actually happen quite frequently for me#issue is to do anything about this I need to see a psychologist (which I’m trying to work on anyways)#but the only diagnosis I have is for adhd and idk how to go into psychiatric care like#PLEASE PUT ME ON MEDS PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PUT ME ON DRUGS AND I DONT MEAN LIKE 10 MILIGRAMS OF PROZAC TYPE SHIT#GIVE ME MOOD STABILIZERS OR AN ANTIPSYCHOTIC OR SOMETHING I AM BEGGINGGGGG I CANT FUNCTION LIKE THIS ANYMORE#I’m also mildly concerned (being afab) that if I go in pursing certain diagnoses I’ll get slapped with a bpd diagnosis#(and obviously I don’t mean that in the sense of bpd bad or I could NEVER have bpd or anything like that)#(I just mean I really don’t think I have bpd and I don’t want to be approached from the angle of needing treatment for that cuz I don’t#think it will help. if I have ANY cluster b disorder it’s def aspd lol. lmao.)#but. yeahhhhhhhhh. I’m tired of this and I’m tired of having no treatment and being in medicated#I’m tired of pretending I can function like this forever cuz obviously I can’t lol#and eventually (probably soon) it’s gonna burn me out and I’m gonna crash so hard and uh. bad things are gonna happen 😭#kaz rambles
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re: the taemin thing (sorry im so annoying about this but i feel you wanna talk about it as much as me!). i wanted to mention his blinking habit too, but as someone who is not autistic myself (not diagnosticated at least lmao) i was afraid it was just me making assumption but you noticed it to so!!! cool. anyway i could say many more things but the line between being just a strange little dude and being a strange little autistic dude is so thin!!! (like the fact that he eats random stuff at unlikely times of the day or that he's so forgetful). ANYWAY!!!!!! i just really love him and how shinee adapts their behaviour around him to make sure hes comfortable
YES ur never annoying i absolutely wanna talk abt it forever 🥺🥺
(this got kinda long so im putting it in the readmore lol)
but yeah the blinking habit for real !!! ur definitely not wrong to pick up on that ! (i even sponged it from him sometimes lol x_x) its cool that non autistic ppl have an interest in this stuff tbh :3 i think that more ppl understanding autism and all the weird specifics of it is rly the key to our happiness ykno 🤔because most non autistic ppl know literally. jack shit.
also the eating thing YEAH 😭😭 thats also so autism to me. shinee is so good to him !!!! u can tell that even if they dont know WHY he is the way he is, that theyve figured out how he works and how to treat him....
there was such a moment in the 15m thing when key was asking taemin to "prepare" the veggies... and taemin got such a look of dread where hes like "what...... wdym.. ?" & kibum has to be like "CUT THEM taemin" lol 💀💀 its such a silly moment but its SOO quintessential to me for both what its like to be autistic (ie: what the fuck are u saying to me "prepare" this. as if im supposed to know what that means), and what its like to be close with an autistic person (kibum having to kinda remember to "translate" what hes saying for taemin so he knows what hes talking about, it reminds me of how my partner is with me sometimes 🥺)
also back to when im saying they probably dont know why he is the way he is, even if they know all his ins and outs, i think this is probably the same for taemin 🤔 he strikes me as someone who prob doesnt know hes autistic, just knows hes "weird" and "different" and has figured out how to live like that despite. reminds me of myself kind of, cos i wasnt "diagnosed" (used loosely) until maybe 19 ? which is still young but at that point i had already been thru school and everything not knowing x_x its definitely possible to figure your life out & how you work without a diagnosis, and i think it happens all the time, but its also really really hard. i think having a name for it and something u can actually research & learn about is rly helpful. so even tho hes like 30 now im still kinda always hoping he realises 🤔 if it makes his life that much easier ykno ?
this is also why it pisses me off so much that ppl get THAT up in arms when this is brought up. ppl act like falsely "accusing" someone of being autistic will ruin their life, when really its basically harmless (obviously unless ur directly using it as an insult). even the opposite might be true 🤷♂️ someone can rly benefit from realising about themselves. also why im so pro self dx !!! even if everyone is "misdiagnosing" themselves these days (🙄 which prob isnt true anyway) like. whats the worst that could happen ? why does it matter if someone is wrong... they might still find some info that will help them 🤷♂️ theres not really any autism "resources" that are in scarcity so i dont rly care if someone thinks they are even if theyre not ?
#yea also the reason i say ''diagnosed'' in quotes is cos i was told by like 2 doctors but they didnt want to put it on the record 🤷♂️#so im technically not prof dxed but like. i also am 🤦♂️#in hindsight i think its good that they didnt bc i think it'd just cause problems... but at the time i was so pissed lol#because it was for rly stupid reasons#even doctors dont know a lot about it if its not their area of expertise 🤷♂️
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#nothing like being in varying states of pain for a few years - sometimes less#sometimes more but always there - and being too exhausted to go to a doctor about it bc everyone around you says you just need to do yoga &#the only way ur job will accommodate is by giving u the less staffed late shift so u can go in the morning and ur so exhausted youd rather#just deal eith the pain like u already have been doing for years#to moving to a job that actually allows u to leave early for medical reasons if you can get the essentials done#then phoning the gp with hope & motivation for the first time in a long time#and being told lol no appointments left until july#i had hope for once i really did 🥲 my friend is a pt & said i might have fibromyalgia and i really really dont want it to be that bc that#means i have a chronic illness with no cure but i looked it up and just. every single symptom was a check for me#and i started thinking if i do have it ill have it whether im diagnosed or not & if i dont then thats good to know too? & psyched myself up#for the phone call and. ugh it really hit me#she said to do their online service. tried and it said no appointments available. tried nhs online. it said make an appointment with ur gp#within the next few days 🥲 back to giving up and just bearing the pain and never mentioning it bc i'll just get told it's my own fault bc#i didnt go yoga ig#just needed to rant into the void for a bit sigh#time to go back into work i guess#*#UGH I JUST GOT MY PERIOD TOO#also like. this isn't to say i do have chronic pain it could be something easily solved#and id be delighted if it was#but i hate how the people around me trivialise it like. it's not normal to have intense pain and stiffness from sitting down/standing for#the duration of one train stop ok it's not. it's not normal to feel sharp jolts of pain through my body every time i cough or sneeze.#every part of my body aches! literally from my head to my toes! they dont do toe yoga!#okay enough back into the fray
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i feel like every time ive hurt someone or got someone upset with me its cuz i do or say something due to a misinterpretation on both our parts. but mostly mine. my brain just isnt what it should be
#nala talks#my diagnosed friends r sure im autistic lmao so maybe its a mix of that#and just the stress eating away at my brain#but yeah#2023 i made my brother upset causing him to not talk to me for months#and now 2024 i make my bestie upset and like#am i just here to hurt the people i love most lmao#a part of me is reluctant to open up to one of my newer but close friends now#cuz i dont want to unintentionally hurt them either#even tho we are besties too#idk.#im just sad#being close to people is so hard lol
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turns out i have fasd (fabulous amazing silly disorder) 👍
#all the symptoms except the face thing#but thats actually a misconception and many people with fasd dont have the face#every single symptom matches up#every strength and weakness i have matches#which is kinda sad because it feels like my whole personality is just a Symptom lmfao#but its nice to know that there's a reason why i cant concentrate or do any studying and why im so forgetful n stuff#and im glad i found out so i dont hate myself for the rest of my life#and theres a reason im the way i am#and it isnt my fault#so yeah lol#hey guys im joining the neurodivergent gang wassup#it sucks though that theres no community for us#like with adhd and autism theres like a community because its so well known#but with fasd theres nothing#but there must be so many people who have it cuz all it takes is just a few drinks to fuck up the baby#but who get it misdiagnosed as autism or adhd because theyre similar#and cuz its such a bitch to get fasd diagnosed cuz no one wants to listen to you if you dont have The Face#i wont ever get it diagnosed probably or not at least whilst im a kid#because my mum doesnt want me to and doesnt listen when i tell her i have it even tho she has enough evidence that my bio mum drank#and i know she'll say theres no point because theres nothing we can do about it and itll just look bad on my resume blah blah blah#but it would be nice to and i would like to have it diagnosed just so its official and i can feel better about it a little#maybe one day ill do a campaign or something and spread awareness of it cuz that would be nice#and thats actually something i want to do maybe and get a purpose#and to help the kids like me who used to feel there was something horribly wrong with them and they couldnt concentrate or do anything#and who felt they were lazy and who were so miserable#because ITS NOT THEIR FAULT!!!#youre not lazy youre trying your best and doing so well#i want it to be more well known so people dont feel as awful about themselves and spend their life hating themselves#but for now ill just try to survive until adulthood#red meows
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sometimes i feel like when i criticize people on the internet who over generalize autism/adhd symptoms and lead to mass self-dxing among teenagers i look like such a massive hypocrite bc i am a self-dxed autistic and so are all my close friends. but idk i feel like actually the main culprit is the adults who post misinformation and act like very innocuous symptoms are 'red flags' for needing clinical evaluation. understanding myself as autistic is just how i navigate the world and tbh because of the sense of shame over not having a clinical dx i don't tell anyone im autistic besides other autistics that i know well.
#like idk i just know im autistic LOL#my sister was early diagnosed and there are sooo many stories among my family of adults who work w/ autistic children#saying that i have autistic traits + symptoms#and essentially i think my autism just got overshadowed because my sister had more significant behavioral issues/struggled academically as#a child#like i've pretty much considered myself autistic since i was eleven years old and that was in like 2012 LOL#also i've decided against a clinical dx because it would not be helpful to me and i am currently at a point where#i dont really need or want psychiatric or behavioral interventions#like ive been referred for it and i just think it would be an arduous and stressful process for me and for what... so i feel more validated#Lol#idk my thoughts on it arent concrete tbh
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Another Thing Wrong With The Former Gifted Kid Discourse, Since I Can't Stop Thinking About It:
people have such an unhelpful tendency to universalize their own experience when talking about the plights and struggles about Gifted Kids™—and what they are talking about is not necessarily invalid, but they're more often talking about their individual responses to their particular schools' policies. This Is Not A Systemic Analysis. it's helpful; i sympathize with you. But You Are Not Dismantling The Inequities by saying this or that happened At Your School when you were a child, and it affected you this or that way because of Who You Are.
example. i always see people talking about neurodivergence in this conversation, which is actually helpful in spotlighting how the Gifted Kid discourse often glosses over such complex intersectional issues. you can talk about how you were Gifted & Neurodivergent and how those experiences lead you to future disappointment. this is, i must stress, valid. but your analysis of your own life Is Not A Systemic Analysis. your experience alone will never speak for how the educational system and trends in policy among schools across the united states affect ALL neurodivergent people negatively because there are neurodivergent people who are Different From You. not to mention that when people point out that very often "Gifted Kid" usually correlates with some degrees of privilege, people push back and go nooooo I'm neurodivergent. people across all other marginalized identities who are systemically disadvantaged by the educational system can be neurodivergent. this does not make you, initially, when you were as a young Kid determined to be Gifted, NOT also in fact privileged.
if you are not ready to discuss experiences that were different from your own growing up, you aren't really engaging in the discourse of how to improve public education in the united states. it's a diiii-verse country we live in. not only in the ways we traditionally think of. when we think of "marginalized" or "oppressed" people, some specific and historically significant groups come to mind. when it comes to advantages that set up a child for future educational success, these broad categories often leave gaps because they lead people to generalizations, and ultimately, fatalism.
but there's really so much hope in early childhood education if we were to make things more equitable, ie like i always say UNIVERSAL PRE-K. these kids who are determined as "gifted" more often than not were just from more enriched home environments that prepared them for learning how to read, write, and do math. it's often not special innate abilities that leads to differences in outcomes for different students, but That's How The Kids Interpret It When Some of Them Are Called "Gifted." they're more often than not, not doing something that's truly exceptional or precocious for their age. they're displaying signs of age-appropriate development, when often, the kids who may be lagging behind them skill-wise just Haven't Practiced Those Skills As Much.
so yes, that's why there's a correlation in things like upper- and middle-class white kids being seemingly more successful in school (and more commonly deemed "gifted") at a young age. it's from privilege. it's not even just the implicit biases of their educators already working in their favor for their race and class. it's the fact that being more privileged, generally, means their family and parents had all of their basic needs provided for. they had more time to read with you. they could buy more development-promoting toys. they probably had better mental health to cope with the demands of child-rearing. if they suffered chronic or sudden physical health issues, they were insured. privileged children are usually less exposed at a younger age to the harshnesses of this world, as every child should be. ALL of these little advantages build up, in terms of what a child can be provided with before they go to school. anything that's going wrong in a child's family system can negatively impact them without them even being old enough to understand it.
you may not think of yourself as Privileged. you might prefer to think of yourself as Gifted. Gifted is so nice, even if it's demoted to Former Gifted. at one point you were told you were superior and it felt really good. and You, reader, i do not know You. i'm not calling You privileged, even if you are! hell, everyone's privileged in some way. i am at the point in the post where for transparency's sake i think i should say I Could Be What Some People Call "Former Gifted". i was called smart as a kid and given special homework sometimes etc. i'm not calling any Former Gifted people stupid for not realizing this either. what i mean is that this kids Are Not Usually Actually Gifted. this is a compliment given overwhelmingly to children who were just simply not deprived. when people say they were once Gifted, they're more often than not saying I Had The Early Opportunities To Learn Everyone Should Have, But Doesn't. this doesn't make you an outlier. It Might Just Be A Sign of Privilege.
#also I Am Privileged#i wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth in fact my parents were unemployed for much of my childhood#and there were many medical stressors for multiple of my immediate family members that complicated things#my father was diagnosed w type 1 diabetes when he was recently laid off in a pre-affordable care act world.#but in terms of having basic needs met and provided for. i did!#i didn't know the differences for my family's circumstances#also both of my parents are college-educated which helped them get out of that and helped provide for the privilege i was born into.#I Acknowledge These Privileges Not Because They Make Me Bad But Because Not Everyone Has These Things Handed To Them!#privilege doesn't mean you don't struggle. it means you don't struggle as much as you could've.#things couldve been worse#rant#long post#im not making it rebloggable bc i dont trust this website lol#people wanting to say 'im not privileged im neurodivergent' in this convo just grinds my gears#theyre making it seem like 'gifted' = neurodivergent which is NOT true#even if what they were praised for seems in retrospect to them to be their neurodivergent qualities. and#how that might emotionally interact with the future disappointment of realizing you're Not Special.#or even the social isolation you MAYBE experienced from your own school's policies for students like you!#that's again though not a systemic analysis but a personal one. and that's fine. that needs room#but people will assign a disproportionate amount of importance on their individual experience. and deny they could be privileged!#it feels very 'oh officer id never kill my husband' but about privilege lol.#its ok to be privileged. its ok#if those privileges are that you were regularly fed and lived in a stable home and your parents were there for you then thats a good thing.#universal pre-k is what ive been driving home but really all other systemic inequalities affect educational success is what im saying.#much like suicide prevention is more than just having a hotline. it's correcting the injustices of the world that make ppl feel hopeless.#educational justice is providing an equitable world for all children SO THAT they are capable of being reached by education#let's acknowledge the layers please. please
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suitcases man / vent
my sister came back from uni and moved back into her and i's room - which for the past 4-ish years has been mostly just /my/ room with her bed still in it for when she came over on holidays or moving between the uni years - and that meant she brought all her stuff with her and I had to move my stuff to make space.
I didn't realize it also meant moving my clothes and where i put them; like the suitcase I keep under her bed specifically at the far left end of it placed so I can pull it out, zip it open and take out the only 3 items that are in that suitcase, my black skater skirt, those black ankle socks I brought to kosov and never wore so keep there just incase, and that one corset top that came a day late than when I needed it.
When my dad helped her put her suitcases under her bed, they initially had to take out /my/ suitcase to make space for it then when they realized they had extra space, put my suitcase back in. In the far right side of the bed.
When my dad left I immediately went to it and fixed it and corrected it and my sister was looking at me weirdly "you're acting kinda ocd" "this is very ocd of you" and it annoyed me a lot because it was only recently that I've been comfortable with saying I have ADHD and she knew this and I thought the suitcase thing was another me or ADHD or both thing, so her naming it as something else just. it annoyed me. because I thought I finally had a kind of guide as to what certain things were and why. then in comes this whole new term id never considered that i now have to give a guest room in my head cuz now its circling in my thoughts a little in the back of my mind.
idk man just like, knowing what kind of neurodivergent u are is so fucking tough sometimes man, like why cant it be like the sorting hat or smn and it just tells u
#just sick of this imposter syndrome im having with my adhd#like? im sick of second doubting everytime i gain a new level of confidence in my symptoms and self diagnosis.#i cant wait ~2 years for cahms to call me and say “hey u were right it IS adhd gj champ” and just let myself sit in puzzled confusion like#i KNOW it's not good to self diagnose without proper research#but ive tried. ive tried to do the research i can without becoming obsessed and self fulfilling and spiraling too much.#and i cant just sit back while ppl r like “you do this that this this and that. wtf r u.”#and i have to be like “idk i cant tell u bcs tiktok told me im hellspawn and ablist if i try find out”#nah fuck that#fuck ppl who try and have that mindset abt people who KNOW they have something and NEED to know because if they dont they will scream#bcs man i WANT TO SCREAM EVERY DAYY and i have a BIG OL HUNK abt what I have.#and its a FUCKING SUITCASE. ITS A SUITCASE. AND ITS A GIANT LAWN CHAIR WITH ALL MY CLOTHES ON IT.#because I cant put it in the boxes my mum got me or else i will have a panic attack because its not right and i will cry and bawl again#ok im done#vixen speaks#juup talks#juupitrr talks#vent#personal vent#adhd vent#sorry lol#btw i dont have anything against my sister. these are just my feelings.
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#how is it that i can get only like 6hrs of sleep. go for an hr run up a mountain and still b wired#like ??? make it make sense??? im not even a lil tired. im considering going up thr mountain again#how does my body do this? im not even euphoric. i just habe too much energy#i just wanna smash things with a baseball bat. its so weird. i guess its not really an issue. i just dont understand it which bothers me#its either a mood thing or the hyper disorder :-/ but like idk how i havent noticed it before#like have i always been like that? i have evidence going back to 2019 but i didnt actually notice it until the last year for real#...i guess there is maybe a reason i didnt have so much energy before this but ya kno#whatever. i can try to find a therapist in like 10 days or something. so ill try to figure it out lol#idk im just vibing bc im sorta unemployed rn. i mean ive been hired as a TA but dont meet for that until thurs but im not at my research#assistant job anymore as of Friday. so i can do whatever tf i want. except im still working on my data 🙃 bc im fucked up like that#hopefully the energy lasts. or maybe not bc idk how i would fucking sit in an office at a desk like this#jesus. im like: me having adhd is impossible. but also me: having to do 3 things at once to pay attention and fucking dancing while i liste#bc i cant sit still. listen. i wont believe it until someone diagnoses me. but it wouldn't not make sense#ugh. i wanna run up the mountain again. but last time i was running twice a day to get rid of energy i fucked up my leg and its still#fucked up. but like not enough thst it hurts to walk so i still run on it. maybe ill go see a doctor once my new insurance kicks in lmao#oh Jesus my brain. maybe im just happy to havr all my insurance bullshit cleared up. i guess thats a bonus to living in like libertari4n#land. less regulations than my last state in terms of car insurance lmao#or maybe im nervous abt thr start of the semester. its gonna b a fucking wild ride lol#unrelated
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