#i think closure is making me move on
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I say that I'm moving on faster from FHH than I thought I would, but then I remember that all I've listened to for the last week is my philas playlist-
#and evermore because it's that time again and i love it#also like I'm actually reading books after reading fhh it had the reverse effect of what i thought#i think closure is making me move on#but i also don't wanna move on#i wanna stay here#i want dust to collect on my pinned up hair#i mean i never will completely#also haven't had any big thoughts about fhh for a while just nonsense#foul lady fortune#chloe gong#foul heart huntsman#secret shanghai#phoebe hong#silas wu#philas
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taylor swift lyrics that keep u up at night?
*takes a deep breath*
remember looking at this room, we loved it cause of the light now i just sit in the dark and wonder if it's time.
(oversharing in the tags)
#i know it's not the most obvious choice and i think i've never talked about this line before#but i think it will keep me up at night for the rest of my life#so when i heard you're losing me for the first time i was in a very similar situation#most of you don't even know i was engaged and had the most terrible break up this year#it's easier when someone breaks up with you#it's much harder when you have to make that decision#and the hardest when you know you made this decision already but you're not sure if it's actually the time...#and i feel like both taylor and i knew it was the only option but we were never 100% sure if it's time to go#if that makes sense#i did eventually#i still remember moving into our apartment 3+ years ago when we were still happy#and then spending last six months of our relationship alone in this apartment knowing it's going nowhere and i have to leave eventually#and moving out in june to my own small cozy place i live in now#but i never even got closure#so i still didn't fully recover#and it will haunt me forever#trust me this line always makes me cry#ugh#sorry for that#i still miss him sometimes even tho he was a bad person#thanks for the ask tho#i feel like i wanted to say all of that long ago and you just gave me a perfect opportunity to do that#so i'm grateful ❤️#yes i got your letter yes i'm doing better*
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oversharing in the tags time :)
#i think it’s time i go back to therapy#i keep having recurring nightmares about my ex best friend#or dreams where she reaches out to me. and explains why she cut me out#backstory. in high school had a lesbian toxic situationship with my#bestie. THEN i had another one. which kinda overlapped? the first one was open but also just messy#anyways. jade and i were like together for a year. then she got a boyfriend one day and i had a breakdown#it happened just after high school and i was sooooo … unwell. wasn’t out to my family felt like i was gonna die etc etc#(this is all pre dnp btw) anyways next year i found dnp. a couple months later she broke up with her bf#and we sorted dated for a while (this whole time we’d been just friends and i was still not really over it but hiding it)#and then she dated ANOTHER guy. they broke up and she had a breakdown and moved 9 hours away. i went#to visit her for a month. we like kinda dated again then and i thought we could make it work. then 2020. no travel#so she started dating a guy. didn’t tell me. even though we spoke every day. she moved in with him#then she breaks up with him mid 2021. i started dating my gf. but Jade was clingy and it was awkward#she started dating a sketchy guy who was homophobic. i went and visited her a few times#start of 2023 she tells me she wants to make more of an effort cause he didn’t like her friends so she cut everyone out. then she ghosted#in feb 2023. we had tickets for#mcr in march. i had to text her cause she’d blocked me on messenger and said im going to the concert whether she’s there or not#she said ‘yeah no worries! you can take someone else in my place too 😎’ she used that fucking emoji#and I haven’t spoken to her since. I think she quit her job . and that guy was not a nice man#so I still worry about her#writing this all down makes me realise she was a bitch and I deserve better#but I just want closure. it isn’t fair she replied so casually to my text when I said ‘you’ve blocked me’#it isn’t fair she HAS MY SIGNED COPY OF DANS BOOK#anyways. I need therapy to get over this#and I haven’t even written about my family issues (im#out and they’re supportive but my god they fucked me#up as a kid)#if you read this hi 👋 hope you are having a lovely day#don’t get in lesbian situationships!!!
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who knew that some agere people would be the worst type of people to exist (talking about you spinny)
#dont get your toddler army to do your anon hate and unblock me on discord if u want to talk#ik you act like a baby and thats fine but if youre bold enough to try to get me paranoid (and fail) then u should be bold enough to dm me#yknow without hiding yourself#either do that or leave us alone girl!! move on#like why do you preach about moving on to a new era and then actively seek out trouble ????#get a job or something#trying to make me think my bf is cheating on me is such a weird thing to do and a big low for you spinny. it's actually sad#the worst part youre not even good at doing it. youre making shit up from what you THINK you know & hiding behind ur friend#its okay to fall out of friendships and im not even trying to meddle with your life but you are literally actively seeking out problems#and thats so pathetic. especially when you paint yourself all high and might over us ??? clearly we tried everything for you#until we got to a point where we were literally drowning because we have other shit in our lives too#you keep losing friends and complain about it. maybe consider why??? because of lack of communication and empathy!! youre just mean!#especially to those who've always tried so hard to have your back and defend you! (buka and me!!!)#yet you didnt care. you dont communicate and expect us to read minds & you demand things#and u say that a real friend should know when to reach out & ya but when it gets to a point where i feel like im drowning? no thanks#im prioritizing myself and my mental health im sorry#not to mention i was ALWAYS IN THE MIDDLE IN YOUR BULLSHIT#so grow up. actually. and if you wanna dm me then unblock me and we can talk#if you want to keep hiding behind your toddler friends acting like youre all small and sweet and babies then go ahead but leave us alone?#at least ill have closure and finally come to terms that you're not rlly a good person and u use your illnesses to excuse ur behavior#because i still think about you and wish you were our friend but after everything thats happened (this being the cherry on top for ME)#then maybe you really just are a shitty person and you do more harm than good#soz to everyone else reading this just continue scrolling LOL#its drama cus an ex friend is sending their toddler militia on me for some reason???#delete later
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wish i could stop losing stuff irretrievably. some hardware error emptied out my recycle bin a couple days earlier. just to shit on a day i'd spent being genuinely happy about the art i create. i guess. i'm tired of compromises, sick of lying that "it wasn't that important anyway", and throwing up at "oh well, can't be helped".
and yet. and yet. despite every pain, both major and minor, the love is there. the love is still there. guess i've just somehow miraculously hit that point (or gone past it a long time ago) where every grievance beyond a certain amount hurts an unspeakable amount more than it should. and it stacks. probably went overboard a while back. don't know when.
still, i adore my project. still got someone in whose arms i feel safe. hope i'll get out someday. hope i'll get a win.
#i truly do believe that if i get the rest of my work back‚ the important bits#then everything else is gonna be all fine. negligible losses. one more pain on the road to victory.#i learned what digital corpses look like yesterday. zeroes where bs and 4s and Hs should be. it sits badly in my gut. it is difficult to#have hope.#and yet#and yet i will never lose mine until it's all truly over#i'm hoping for a win. it'll be the biggest win of my life at this point. everything else can go to hell at that point.#just give me the news‚ doc. give me the tiebreaker. tell me to live or to despair.#got things to live for beyond that one piece of art i've made. got a few of them‚ in fact.#yet a life without my art seems as bleak as they come. don't know what to look for beyond that. just let me win this one time.#seven years of constant pain is more than enough no matter how you slice it. if i'm not given closure here‚ for this one thing‚ then i'll#give it to myself. will be cruel. will be tough. think it holds less pain still.#but i don't want it. don't wanna think about it. crying as i write this. don't wanna face the music. hate how it hinges on that. are all#artists like this‚ or is it just me who is insane?#i've moved on with the help of my art. without my art‚ i can't move on. can't move on from the lack of moving on‚ either. just loss after#loss after loss. but maybe. maybe not. if i win‚ i'll just cuss out this pain i'm going through right now for the rest of my days and#eventually laugh about it. losses will become scars on living tissue. emphasize on l i v i n g tissue. living‚ as in can create‚ can#continue to love‚ can continue to adore and to help and to play and to smile and all sorts of things. can do all that good stuff that makes#a life worth livin'.#so. dunno if i'm transmitting. dunno if anyone's listening. but i'm hoping for contact.#logs#black blank blah-blah-blah
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It is only first month of 2024, and I've already lost not one but two subjects of nightmares, paranoia and reoccurring emotional torture. I really wish there was another way to get rid of these besides having extremely painful conversations.. but at least these scars are closing, one by one
#/vent#personal#and this time was like.. opposite of the previous one#previous one absolutely wrecked me with very ugly insight and basically made all puzzle pieces fall together#this one was just pain and crying and having my worst suspicions about other person AND self faced and confirmed#but again it got solved#I really want the power to move on without having a closure.#I hope I will be strong enough for it one day.#I just need to think..#I think I really should avoid other depressed/traumatised people until something can be done with how I react at perceived threats#(which is eternity because hell I know when I will be able to afford therapy. probably never with how my life situation is going)#as jarring as being close only with 'healthy' people would be I just can't make things worse for both me and them#until I can change my default response from aggression into avoidance I'll just stay away from anyone with depression#I say very terrible things when I feel threatened and it is way too easy to make me feel threatened. it is THE easiest thing in the world.#I won't survive without close friends anyhow but there is category of people that can't recover from these words normally#I mean I am ALSO this 'category'. I also hurt from awful words thrown at me for MONTHS don't I#it is very hard to be aware of my glaring flaws when everyone that points them out is outright malicious and wants me bullied off the Earth#and then everyone who does think I deserve my human rights either doesn't see my flaws or doesn't mention them#so at least discussing it without outright intention to harm me was helpful for a change#maybe one day I'll have a friend that can be open if I've hurt them a lot so I can work on it but that's another story I guess
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potential (?) hot take: I don’t think the show’s redemption of bad parents is as egregious as people make it out to be
#911 abc#will make a more in depth post when I’m off work#if I remember#like i definitely think characters like maddie deserve to confront her parents like buck did#for closure#but I do think the show sticks to its viewpoint of not bad people just bad parents#the characters don’t forgive the shitty actions they just learn to let go and move on#which is realistic to me#but also I do understand the desire to see more representation of ppl cutting off shitty family members#bc also relatable lmao
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just finished reading delilah's statement, there was a lot of things in it that was either only tangentially related to the allegations or straight up unnecessary to put (in particular: putting in media references and cc metrics several times as flavor text, detailing the don turnt situation with no claims of whether or not permission was granted by the affected party, namedropping certain ccs who had nothing to do with the allegations, and putting the tweet and yearbook photo of one of the ppl who put forward that zam was a bully with no claims of whether or not permission was granted) which contributed a lot to the 47-page length
honestly so far what im getting is that there was a Lot of toxicity on multiple sides like not even just between zam and delilah
#tw abuse#there are multiple instances in particular that i wanted to get more context of#in particular how did zam go from telling delilah to khs to becoming her bestie??? and why did she call kab whos a 16 yo a worthless whore?#theres also several parts that made me think that her rep for jumping to conclusions isnt entirely unfounded#like you can excuse her mental state at the time for a lot of it but there are some that are just. where did you get that#i dont wanna reread the entire thing so ill just be citing that part at the end where she accused zam of not actually being in a bad mental#place and was just trying to manipulate her cause he was in vacation in nyc and was smiling in one of the pics is reaching#also hypocritical cause she was also in a bad mental place during twitchcon but was smiling happily in pics and videos#also dont like the fact that she put the yearbook photo there and the fact it was even posted publicly in the first place#it was probs for verification purposes but holy shit youre basically barely a step away from doxxing zam#apparently bormethius is putting out a statement so ill be waiting for that as well#fucken hell i get that delilah saw posting this publicly as necessary in order to get some kind of closure#but theres so many layers to this that airing this out to an uninvolved and contextless audience was only inevitably gonna make things wors#especially considering a lot of evidence has apparently been lost to deletion or the fact that they were done in vcs#but its too late for that now so i can only hope we get the full picture soon cause everybody involved looks so incredibly toxic#idk i just hope all parties involved will be able to move away from this and get better in the future#cause like theyre still young and immature man#(although the fact that theyre young and immature def contributed to how this even happened in the first place 💀)#with that being said#the drama channels are 100% in the wrong here#they like to present themselves as arbiters of truth but theyre nothing but glorified tabloids#allegations
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i am generally a piano ballad hater but olivia rodrigo is such an ACTOR that i tear up basically every time i listen to the grudge and this morning i actually CRIED while my girlfriend played it on her shitty phone speaker................ what did she put into that song!!!!!!!!
#logical is also a good song but i think i prefer when she forgoes metaphor#i'm just out here enjoying it and then the bridge gets me in the guts every time she sounds SO miserable#the grudge is just no pretension no fronting it hurts and i want it to stop but i don't know how to move on#about a relationship in which you have no power and no possibility of closure and you just feel so pathetic!#idk i was kind of bowled over by how clear and specific she is about how that feels. makes me weep about my family lol.#i didn't like some of the writing choices in e.g. enough for you from SOUR but the vocal delivery really sold it bc you can just FEEL it#with the writing in GUTS and her even more charismatic vocal presence........ i had absolutely no chance!#anyway not sure what my point was but i'm a full olivia stan now xxxxxx#tmi
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by virtue of the GM having to play every NPC in contrast to every player having their one, it's fascinating the relationship dynamics this sets up in character throughout the narrative
#N posts stuff#specifically thinking about Caramelinda right now; you are a woman who was forced into a marriage after the love of your life died#your daughters Vastly and Openly love your husband more than you#you are Intimately aware of the dangers of the world and the roles that everyone in it is Forced to play and how important those roles Are#and your children Resent you for it. everything you try to do to keep them safe they Hate you for but you Cant Stop bc that wouldnt be Safe#and then your daughter dies; you thought she was safe in her bed and she wasn't. and now she's dead#and the child who brings you this news is still covered in your daughter's blood and accusing YOU of somehow inciting it#and your remaining daughter openly resents you for every move you make bc She thinks it's your fault too#she is still a child and telling you that if you had trusted them (As children) to not act as children do and if you had armed them with#magic that the lost love of your life taught you before she died; then maybe they would have respected you more and maybe they#would have listened to you then. or maybe they would have still ignored you but maybe they could have defended themselves#and maybe your daughter would still be alive. and this guts you. and then your husband looks at you take this wound and says#'can you give us a minute?' and shunts you off into a back room and this is the closure you get on this conversation#this isn't a critique btw it's the Nature of actual play and improv; i wouldn't even call it a Flaw#this isn't some Negative i'm pointing out it's just about the way the narrative reacts to this feature and the dynamics it incites#i love angst and drama and i like to peel characters apart like dissection. fascinating to me. <3
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#mannn i literally assumed he ghosted-- why on earth would he text me after so long????#i was fully like 'ok the last msg i sent literally makes me cringe a bit to read but its been months so ig im never opening the convo again#it was simpler before when there felt like there was nothing else to do and easier to move on. i even had a little crush on someone else !#now i have a whole wheel of decisions to choose from#and idek what i truly want from this guy anymore bc even just platonically he kinda fucked it up like. idk#or rather i want a lot of different things and idk what to choose#i want my friend back. i want to never see him again. i want him to know every truth of what ive felt and i want him to know none of it#i want him to miss me or maybe wonder about me sometimes down the line. i want him to not spare me another thought for the rest of his life#i want to reply only 'go fuck yourself' and i want to write him a letter and i want to ghost him better than he ghosted me#i want to tell him i love him and i want to tell him i hate him and i want to say nothing at all#i want the closure i was denied. i want to protect the closure i now have#<-going insane#anyway its soooo stupid like i already grieved for this shit bro. i accepted the end of this years long close friendship#anyway idk why im doing so much processing of this in a vent post nor do i know why i always feel compelled to post these when i do#good thing i keep a small presence on here lol. but yea uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh send post#ok wait i saved this as a draft and went to go look for what i had been tagging vent posts with#[couldnt find one i had been using consistently even tho the whole point is so ppl can blacklist it if they want whoops!!]#and i saw another vent from another time he just kinda disappeared on me#and while this time was a lot worse for a lot of reasons i think its important to say this--#that the last thing that i want is to go back to square one of this stupid awful cycle#vent
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How do y’all feel abt the second chance trope but it’s with the children taken over the parents if done right I love it
#I dont think I explained it right#as long as they don’t make it weird by focusing on their parents used to date before them#vic you not making sense#let’s me make it make sense if they write almost as a reincarnation but from parents to kids and don’t make it weird#and make us forget it was their parents like don’t bring it up every 2 sec don’t let the parents still be in love or#a ‘the one the got away’ situation I’d be okay with it#like let the parents actually move on and be in happy committed relationships with someone else#if it was in a sci-fi/fantasy setting#it like the viral sound ‘I’ve seen this film before’#midnight brainrot#look I’m insane I know#I dont i explain it right wait please#I’ll give a situation a and b were a couple they break up. for what ever reason they have closure to some extent they have kids#c and d are their they are epic loves they don’t exactly mirror their parents but#it’s a ‘I think i’ve seen this film before and I didn’t like the ending’ situation#tropes#love tropes
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i need to learn to like, let things go and get over them
#whimsy whispers#unfortunately I cannot#I cling to things and it just ends up hurting me more#if I could just accept that like things change and end I think I’d be better off but that’s like far easier said than done#I think it’s especially when there isn’t closure or whatever the better word is. confirmation??#because that leaves the door open for ‘hope’ that things will change somehow but like#change won’t occur#but neither will confirmation#so I’m just stuck here unable to move on and it’s stupid of me#why do I have to hold onto things like this?#gonna go make my tried and true cup of chamomile tea and have some food instead of dwelling on how I feel
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i’m sad so i made this
modding exists but it’s still the end of an era ya know
rest in peace eShop
#nintendo#nintendo eshop#nintendo eshop closure#3ds#wii u#big sad#i’ve never owned or intended to own a wii u but my 3ds has been with me for so long#i got it for christmas 2014 because i heard about pokémon alpha sapphire and i really wanted to play it#i used to be so into pokémon#and now i’m not much at all#which was sad but i’ve moved on#i lowkey abandoned my 3ds when i got a switch though bc i got splatoon 2 with it and i fell in LOVE#but i feel kind of guilty about that#but sometimes you just move on to different things and that’s ok#even though i am a designated gamer i don’t think i wanna play a bajillion games#i’ve got other shit to do and i like it that way#sorry you flopped wii u maybe i didn’t want one but it was still good#how long can star make these tags challenge >:)#so i mostly just picked up a few freebies off the eshop and skedaddled#really contemplated buying some stuff but nah i decided i shouldn’t#one day i’ll probably fiddle around with modding but most of my video game time now is funneled into the splatoon 3 you know how it is lmao#i’ve got other shit to do and i like it that way :3#urgh i’m very tired so that is why the tags are soooo long but i will not apologize tags are the best form of communication actually#if nintendo cancels me for talking about modding tell my story
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ngl i'm not doing well!!
i wanna kms!! i really do<3 but i can't and i wont but fuck. FUCK FUCK FUCK KILL MYSELF ONE HUNDRED YEARS FOREVER. i shouldn't think abt it as much as i do it's pointless. it was so bad. SO bad. fucked me up forever bad. ... ... ... but what about when it was good it could be so good...never perfect and it always felt like he wasn't fully on the same page but it was GOOD...and it felt like he never fully understood ME but. small price to pay? right? right???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
#suicide tw#i think it's mainly. because of the ending.#how i tried to hard even then even at the end of the end to not have us hating one another#but. he.#well whatever.#and then i think about our last conversation and me saying we want different things and him just going#'like what. like what. give me specifics.' as if i hadn't been trying to tell him for weeks#idk why he could never fully hear me and understand me. it's like i was a second language to him#idk man. devastating.#and that should be the closure. that he chose to turn it nuclear and move on in 2 weeks.#but i get so bogged down in what if it went different. what if i hadn't stooped to his level.#i miss the good side of him so deeply. and i hate that it was all him.#the good and the bad. it was all him.#when he chose to hurt me that wasn't some fucked up broken side of him i needed to fix...it was just. him.#making the choice. to hurt me. to disrespect my boundaries.#to put his wants over my comfort.
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Jays been back for a few months because something Bad happened but I kinda miss our relationship before he tried to like. implode all of my irl relationships. that’s kinda how it always is though
#I don’t talk abt this often anymore because as I’ve gotten older and have been medicated and h se learned more coping mechanisms it’s easier#for me to stay in the front almost every day for months#I couldn’t do that years ago#reintegration isn’t my end goal but I lowkey feel like it’s gonna happen and it’s bittersweet#im not even rlly working towards it I’m just moving pack my trauma and unpacking a lot of things#I think I miss me and jays relationship because Im not close to my older siblings#and my brothers make me feel so small and unsafe I’m running for something familiar#jay only exists to protect me and I know he will it’s just he’s.. temperamental and willing to hurt others and myself if he thinks he can#protect me. and I know why he’s like this. but I also know that I don’t need that anymore. we don’t#but I miss relialably being able to fall back on him#I have others now who can do the same job maybe even better than him#who can talk when I can’t who can be rational when I can’t#but maybe I just want someone who will defend me with teeth and nails. I’m crying rn and idk why#I only rlly talk to Chevy abt my did because I feel like only they understand how bad my childhood fucked me up#because there’s was worse. otherwise I feel like the things I needed as a kid and now must sound so strange#ofc I needed protectors but the thing I def needed as a kid was a friend. families that actually loved me#parents who weren’t always on drugs. family who didn’t want to touch me and grope me and hurt me#and now I’m wanting the same things all over again. but it’ll never be the same#and I know it’s weird to hold a grudge against an alter. it feels weird to think about it but I do#i would have closure on so many friendships without him. even if I ruined them without him I could at least live with the knowledge that I#fucked up. but it was out of my control. he’s like my parents. never wanting me to make my own mistakes#im rlly sleepy
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