#I only rlly talk to Chevy abt my did because I feel like only they understand how bad my childhood fucked me up
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Jays been back for a few months because something Bad happened but I kinda miss our relationship before he tried to like. implode all of my irl relationships. that’s kinda how it always is though
#I don’t talk abt this often anymore because as I’ve gotten older and have been medicated and h se learned more coping mechanisms it’s easier#for me to stay in the front almost every day for months#I couldn’t do that years ago#reintegration isn’t my end goal but I lowkey feel like it’s gonna happen and it’s bittersweet#im not even rlly working towards it I’m just moving pack my trauma and unpacking a lot of things#I think I miss me and jays relationship because Im not close to my older siblings#and my brothers make me feel so small and unsafe I’m running for something familiar#jay only exists to protect me and I know he will it’s just he’s.. temperamental and willing to hurt others and myself if he thinks he can#protect me. and I know why he’s like this. but I also know that I don’t need that anymore. we don’t#but I miss relialably being able to fall back on him#I have others now who can do the same job maybe even better than him#who can talk when I can’t who can be rational when I can’t#but maybe I just want someone who will defend me with teeth and nails. I’m crying rn and idk why#I only rlly talk to Chevy abt my did because I feel like only they understand how bad my childhood fucked me up#because there’s was worse. otherwise I feel like the things I needed as a kid and now must sound so strange#ofc I needed protectors but the thing I def needed as a kid was a friend. families that actually loved me#parents who weren’t always on drugs. family who didn’t want to touch me and grope me and hurt me#and now I’m wanting the same things all over again. but it’ll never be the same#and I know it’s weird to hold a grudge against an alter. it feels weird to think about it but I do#i would have closure on so many friendships without him. even if I ruined them without him I could at least live with the knowledge that I#fucked up. but it was out of my control. he’s like my parents. never wanting me to make my own mistakes#im rlly sleepy
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