#i swear its never this deep
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staring at my screen and audibly laughing wdym saying a man who hasn’t moved on an inch from his wife dying infront of him needs therapy because he fucks up every relationship he has is ableist??
edit the below is an ss if ure getting confused
#9-1-1#bucktommy#anti bucktommy ig#anti buddie#no i hope eddie dies atp.#evan buckley#tommy kinard#i swear its never this deep#911 discourse
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Right and his work menaces (Brent and Karen).
I don't remember last I mentioned it but apart from crude nicknames to people (except Chris), he also just puts them in his phone really weird (except Chris, who is literally in his phone as Chris). And I bring this up because in Right's phone, Karen is saved as "Lawful Obligation".
#my characters#oops i fell in love#can you guys tell im stressed and hyperfixating on my own fucked up ocs cause i am#also brents nickname at work and in rights phone is fuckwad#and hes like yeah if im called anything else at this point by right its weird and uncomfortable#and when it is finally approached as if paul is only in rights phone as shitty-ex (answer) now that hes an excoworker#what was he in rights phone BEFORE the transfer#and right is like annoying dickwad ... karen is like oh i see thats why you call him a dick still#thats like a nickname from his phone name#and brent has to ask why fuckwad and dickwad and right looks at him and takes a deep breathe before saying#because i like the word wad and it is very comforting bc like a wad of paper ? you can throw it away#and so if i realize i gotta get rid of attachment i wad it up#also dont tell paul that dickwad was a form of attachment or he will never shut the fuck up about it#karen and brent both swear to never mention it to paul#paul is honestly such a weird anomaly in the plot bc he doesnt directly work at the same police station#but he is CONSTANTLY a topic of gossip or annoyance or updates#hes literally karens best friend! aside from chris he was one of the few right worked with who HAD touch privileges before right banned it#hes also just genuinely well liked but no one can actually tell him or he will become insufferable#which is a crime that rick is guilty of once when he meets paul and karen introduces him#and rick is just OH i know that name! youre her best friend#and she looks so betrayed and paul looks so delighted and stunned and radiant over this fact#and rick makes up for it before the night is over which is why karen forgives him - he made paul back in his place#anyway yeah right has lots of fears and hes my bundle of anxiety and i love him and his atrocious nicknames#i think i would die if i gave someone a rude nickname even affectionately irl#also also final note on this ig#since right is a detective and not always at the station its worth pointing out brent and karen just work taking calls and#doing misc other work at their desks which are nearby so they 100% bond and its wonderful#ok i lied final note on them is#for a very long time karen has to check with right to make sure she isnt annoying brent because he doesnt emote well#and shes scared she wont know if shes annoying him please help youre like the only one who reads his moods accurately
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//not social archive.
Weather is rainy . But I have a company .
Everyone look at him isn't he adorable
#its fay speaking#i swear i can never cook this hard again#love and deepspace#l&ds#love and deep space zayne#l&ds zayne#zayne#doctor zayne#dr zayne
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ok but im getting emo over heinkel again so im gonna talk about him again because yeah hes yet another sad character in a sea of sad characters and i love rezero for that but like he is a character consistently characterized by one loss after the other. it's a rollercoaster and its going straight fucking down and he is so miserable and absolutely alone and its both his fault and not his fault at all. but the way it starts is - its all out of his control. the more you think about the trajectory of his life the sadder it gets.
imagine you are heinkel and your parents are the sword saint and the sword demon and you come from a long line of knights and sword saints so thats almost definitely where youre headed, right? thats whats expected of you. you are nineteen years old and youre a knight in the royal guard, which was expected of you, and you have a wife and a beautiful baby boy, which was also expected of you, but at least you have so much joy and love for the latter while the former is just another chain on the astrea family line of people who are stuck to knighthood whether they like it or not. but your family is also just another chain because youre nineteen and your mother is still the sword saint and youre playing with fate here because either youre going to be the sword saint or your son will be.
your wife, the only equal you have, falls asleep one day and never wakes up. you are twenty-one years old and a single parent and then you are twenty-three years old and your son's fate is so much bigger than youll ever be. having the worlds love means that your love pales in comparison, doesnt it? everyone knows about your comatose wife because you keep searching so much for a cure that its just another thing to gossip about. every year that passes by she just continues to look the same as she did when she was awake and alive and loved you. (you dont know it yet but your son is going to reach the same age as her, because you dont find a cure for another sixteen years and you know that she wont love you anymore because who does? theres no one left because your son doesnt count.)
and everyone knows about you because of your family. because yeah, youre a good swordsman, but youre not liked by anyone in the knights. youre not a friend and youre certainly not a sword saint or sword demon. your son mind controls someone because he loves you so much that he would do anything for you and looks up to you like youre some hero, but youre just a wreck whos scrambling to keep what little you have. youre twenty-four and you lose your mom because you were too scared to go on the mission you were assigned on, because youre a coward and youre in over your head and you know, because everyone knows, that you dont measure up. you could never be prepared for this. in a long line of people who have to carry the weight of the world, you crumble easily. your mom goes on that mission and dies and your son becomes the sword saint like this was always going to happen. this is what being loved by the world means. you just killed your mom because you just couldnt suck it up and die on that mission instead. on top of that, your dad says that your five-year-old god of a son killed your mom. its just you and your son and the two of you both killed your mom but youre the worlds biggest laughing stock and your son is the up and coming hero and monster. but you still love your son. you really do.
right?
#rezero#heinkel astrea#i have. many feelings on him always. no i do not condone his abuse and i never will. but he is such a fascinating character#and this is not even getting into like. post-reinhard being five years old. cries. there is so much happening my god. the tragedy of it all#i swear theresia and wilhelm act like they dont even like heinkel fr sometimes too i swear aldfjldfjl theres just implications behind that#relationship too. and implications to heinkel and reinhards Everything with what little we've seen of them. like little kid reinhard truste#his dad SO MUCH heinkel was very loving in the beginning. it hurts how badly it turns out later alsdlfj bc you just Know that reinhard is#internalizing this like. my dad used to love me and now he doesnt anymore and its all my fault.#BUT HE STILL DOES LOVE REINHARD DEEP DOWN BC WHY ELSE WOULD HE HAVE SCHULT AS A REPLACEMENT. GOD. GOD.#arc 5 spoilers#i always like. theorize that heinkel used to be someone who tried to follow the rules to the T. try his best. try to be a good perfect#knight. a bit of a people pleaser. WHICH IS LIKE REINHARD RIGHT and it explains why heinkel is so bitter and jaded and angry now. god. i#hate it here. the astreas make me sooo crazy#like heinkel really does seem like a guy whos just trying to be a goody two shoes in like the once upon a time from lugunica ss but he fail#miserably bc hes too Emotional and also going through a lot of stress aljsdlfj
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your final piece, where it all started
where it all began
but not for you
nor for me
but for them
context
#uty au#uty#premaposting#the sooner i find a name for this au the better bro#then i can stop putting context in my posts#it ruins the illusion :(#explaination time!#clover likely is just. not living at this time. they survived and escaped but mentally they cannot be well.#to sort of put themselves back together...there are 5 points that clover must locate to regain courage to face flowey again and try to win#save points because hehe finding the determination to fight ultra scary#each is defended by a reasoning for such a high concentration of determination. guilt. drive. hate. theres one more i swear#this one? wouldnt you like to know /j#this is the only area of the mind that isnt just wasteland remixed. its so deep that it cannot be withered away#so prominent that he cannot forget. it can never be lost. never destroyed.#i was gonna add the party for scale but went meh.#utysd
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Religiously i think about one of my twitter mutuals pointing out how aoki's design is subtly asymmetrical while ichiban is more symmetrical
when i think of it, masato's design is fairly symmetrical as well isnt it.....
#snap chats#please no one look at me i shouldve gotten my drink two hours ago#what does it mean .....#i swear my mutual had like. galaxy brain when it came to aoki i swear to god in heaven no one got him like they did#they were also the one that did that glass analysis post i shared some months back#moving on tho...#i guess there is the stipulation that because masato's shirt buttons dont match his shirt like ichi's does the buttons at the top mess it u#but aside from that everything else is pretty even: he has a pair of bangs and while his shirt is patterned its not like. grossly so#the pattern doesnt go particularly one way or the other its obviously just a pattern and the colors arent offensively against each other#on the flipside aoki's hair is more obviously swept to one side and leaving the other side bare#not to mention his tie in general. the 'bulb' part and 'tongue' part even go against each other#as if a diagonal striped tie itself wouldnt be askew to his overall look#again these are very small things to notice but im glad theyre small- it makes sense for a politician's to be subtly incongruent#the glasses are super important to aoki's design too but that's covered int eh glass analysis and isnt about symmetry#idk ... maybe im just waffling on about nothing.. either way i love those posts by my mutual#OH i think of this because i am once again thinking of updating how i draw masato#cause i like the blazer and necklace i gave him BECAUSE of that asymmetry#but now i wonder if thatd go against his design ... so i have to ask 'what underlying message is there for masato to be symmetrical'#i guess- even if he is a creep and a weirdo- he's not. evil? idk ... he hasn't gone totally off the deep end compared to aoki#like compared to what he'd go on to do as aoki he's pretty normal as masato#he is just a guy. who DOES have ties to the yakuza but this aint about that LKCJALKREJVA#he doesnt even like them he just uses them for his convenience 😔#idk. ill prob still draw masato the same tbh LMAO if anything ill just crop his blazer but keep it symmetrical#i guess i cant wonder this TOO much when i give him mismatching rings 💀💀 ill just have fun ig fjaelrvekljv#at the end of the day its never that serious ...... i just gotta draw what makes me chortle. esp for a chara three people care about VJLAEK#but i will wonder ..... <- it is not that deep#ima go bye
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ಥ‿ಥ
#God this episode is so so good.#Tachihara sweetie I'm sorry I never talk about you. I swear I love him so so much he's an amazing character. I love his story and conflict–#so much.#This arc is peak bsd writing / meta literature plot. The tearing page moment is insane. The sentiments expressed here are so–#deep and emotional. The theme of the ordinary man. God and the force of human spirit.#Fighting against one's own destiny and finding the reason for own's existence. It's all subjects that are so interesting to reflect over–#and they're elaborated on in such a cool and compelling way. I love Dazai's quote on the strength of humans who–#“are caught in the tempest of contingency and scream‚ run and shed blood” so much. It moves me deeply.#The animation was really neat. A lot of detailed sequences. The wind was animated beautifully. The colors were so pretty and the stained–#glass visuals still go so hard.#Again I love Tachihara's conflict so much!!! I'm so into tachi/gin too... I know it's more of a Tachihara x oc since. Well.#We know little to nothing about Gin. But there's still so much spice to it... What do you MEAN Tachihara stabbed Gin !!!!!!#I'm so into the drama. AND the kind of relationship born from the big brother complex™ they both (may) share. AND the work partners.#AND the hiding their true identities to the other. How could I not love them...#Still believe season 4 should have ended where episode 11 ends but spreading it all in 12 episodes to allow it all better pacing.#I really think this season is great but the pacing really is its weakest point.#Of the sky casino arc they could have made a movie if they wanted to. Or just a cool arc at the start of season 5 that can work too!!#(((and not put ch 84-88 at only ep3. And then animate it grossly. But that's another talk.)))#Anyways 100000/10 what a good episode. This really was peak B/ungou Stray Dogs. And Akutagawa isn't even in it!!!#random rambles#Very hot take but I don't think Lucy should jump off a sky casino for a man. Sorry#My feelings for atsu/lucy are so fluctuating. I could write a whole other tags rant on it.#Actually I will
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literally what was the point of hiding brains face in the beginning
#was it for the murder mystery plot#i mean#i didnt really consider him The Killer#he was just the likely option bc of process of elimination#at least for me its like well obviously it cant be ventus hes The Good Guy (LMAO)#and it cant be lauriam bc he is GENUINELY distressed about strelitzia his sister#so brain was the only one left in my eyes#i never even considered the vanitas angle in regards to ven tbh#like i never forget theyre connected#but vanitas is a whole separate character to me#and as far as we knew at this point vanitas only cane about bc master xehanort pulled them apart#and i guess you could argue that vanitas is proof that ven had the capability for darkness since the beginning#but that would involve a whole discussion about personhood and nature vs nurture that i do Not have enough tags for but just know i think th#that idea is bad and wrong#not that ven always had the capacity for murder or whatever#like ee all have a little darkness in us this has been established#we cant all be princesses of hesrt#ANYWAYS i swear im not gonna get into it rn bc i do Not have the space#but anyways the vanitas angle and all relevant theories from that never occurred to me#but if i knew about it im not sure if i would have agreed? like im not sur ei wouldve been like yeah that seems likely#if someone argued for it passionately enough i mightve been convinced tho#im a sucker gor long theory posts even if theyre too deep#anyways#why did they cover brains face for so long he wasnt even hiding anything#just being dramatic#imagine he had an eyepatch#xigbar style#i am 5 minutes into the fandub im sorry i have so many thoughts#michi tag
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you guys do know that theres more to being gnc than clothes right
#like the post im talking about was about gnc women so thats what im going with#'people say that a woman with a ponytail and a sports bra is masc' mf what. she is if she wants to be#like its overall perceived as more sporty than like. butch i know that#but not taking the effort to do yr hair especially like. on weekends or if you arent conventionally attractive...#... makes you a target for harassment on the basis of being not feminine enough in many rl circles#but also. referring to myself as a boyfriend and brother and king and shit has gotten me Questions regardless of how i dress#ive been made fun of for my deep voice without someone even seeing me#and all the fuckin pathetic rules about holding the door and sitting and eating and swearing add up#really privileged to be like. hmmm i dont see leather jacket so how masculine 🤨#ESPECIALLY WOMEN WITH LONG HAIR. just say youve never met a black woman judged for the Wrong protective hairstyle#just say you think butch is a fashion style and a body type
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how was playing hsr? was there anything that you liked in the game and the story?
ITS BEEN AMAZING AS EXPECTED!!!!!!!!! i actually havent played genshin in a while since starting it, i have no motivation to do the filler event while a perfectly good star rail is sitting there waiting to be played :')
but for mechanics, i love they have auto battle so you dont have to nessecarily sit there and invest in every little battle you gotta do....and i love that the resin (resin??) system is a lot more forgiving with a higher cap, lower cost, and allow for overflow...thats nice...i also love that the mc and starter units are very useful. im so emotionally attatched to the star rail crew so im glad they never have to leave my team !!!!
storywise im LOVING IT SO FAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i started playing it at the beginning of spring break 2 weeks ago and im almost all caught up!!! i went through belabog and penacony and now im just doing those leftover intermission main quests which im only now realizing i shouldve done before going to penacony LMAO
and of course.....danmarch....im so soft for them......and also i love sampo i cant wait to see what they do with him
#besides the star rail crew and sampo im not too attatched to anyone else#im very much a (what would happen in canon) type of player so the only units i REALLY want are himeko welt and imbibitor lunae#(and sampo)#everyone else i can go without#so this game is probably gonna be a lot better for my wallet#overall it just like it better than genshin minus the open world part#i like the story and characters...i like that you can play as bad guys while theyre still bad guys???? like blade and kafka???#cuz in genshin you always gotta redeem them somehow first before theyre playable#not here hueheuhe#also i love that they actually kill off playable characters#(spoilers from here on out)#i know were supposed to be all sad for fireflys death but honestly.......i didnt care about her too much LMAO#i was actually a little annoyed for the secret base part because her base was SO FUCKING DEEP IN ENEMY TERRITORY#i was like (damn bitch how far away is this shit??!)#that by the time we got to the emotional part i was just mad#i never liked characters where the game tries to like....force you to care about them#and its implied you have some super close relationship ESPECIALLY when you havent known them long#now if march died that would be a whole different story#but firefly??? i mean rip but i didnt really know her#im loving the penacony quest so far though#any setting where its like a place of mind tricks and gambling and spending money and sin is always so scary to me#especially the dream within a dream within a dream shit#the mind fuck aspect is always a good plot that i enjoy#i also love that theyre not afraid to upgrade units#like we have dan heng and the dragon dan heng#so characters arnt stagnent forever#everyday i hope we one day get to see a 5-star secret power march#cuz that girl has some shit going on i swear#i just did her luofu memory quest#and those fuckers in the garden of recollection............
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YouTube yesterday: Hey btw The Longest Johns just released a song about Horatio Nelson's death.
Me: Cool, excuse me as I stare off into space and think about L'Manburgian soldiers' reaction to hearing about Kiril's dying to withering whenever I play the song.
#regicide au#like yes I know realistically Kiril would be a bit of a controversial figure in L'Manburg#his father (and ancestry in general tbh) represents centuries of colonialism and oppression#like ffs you can't just walk into a place like Pogtopia going 'hi I promise I'm a good Krafta'#when you've had to spend the past few years drastically unlearning all the colonialist propaganda you were fed as a child#anyway Artur is representative of continuing the oppression of an entire people no matter how hard you have to grind your boot on them#while Kiril represents the effort to at least make a start on fixing the mistakes of the past#with liberation in the hopes that will open the door for reparations etc#not that he ever expects to see that because he'll be dead from fratricide#(not to mention shit like that will take generations for the wounds to begin healing so no veteran of this war will live to see it either)#he still wants to do *something* as a way to work towards that better future though#a war of independence sure as fuck wasn't what he imagined but 'the universal language is violence' yada yada#it certainly seems to be Artur's universal language#and Kiril gains an even better image of himself as a general who is willing to fight and potentially die with his soldiers#those under his command absolutely have deep respect for him thanks to how he conducts himself#...and then the withered arrows start flying#people are going to end up talking about how he never let on he was hit himself#he simply visited the affected soldiers in the infirmary some of whom were doomed to die in one of the worst ways possible#then he was gone. just grabbed by his brother so he could be killed in Rayusel (or away from the public eye in general)#rumours are going to fly about all sorts of things pertaining to Kiril's final hours but one thing is for sure#there is going to be grief amongst the soldiers who loved him#'let him die in peace' ...yeah they really are going to hope that somehow he didn't suffer as much as a typical withering victim#god I am just shaking this song vigourously by its shoulders I swear
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nothing will ever humble you as much as writing a double negative
#sami rambles#i swear i never overthink more than when i'm writing a line like 'haven't etc. without'#its instinctual i know that's right then i fucking question it and i'm there for 10 minutes puzzling out semantics at their base level#its not that deep babe trust ur gut
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Quite honestly, i think people just dont like to acknowledge how many times i have been victimized bc it doesnt work for their narrative of the Scary Bad Trans Guy With No Regard For Others And Likes To Kick Puppies And Doesnt Know Real Pain Or Trauma
#bc otherwise yall would have to feel bad about putting me through way more additional unnecessary trauma on here#and i swear its yall who believe everything my abuser says about me. you need to tell yourself its true that i did the shit they accuse me#of and theyre just this pure uwu innocent pewson who doews no wongg umu#yall dont wanna except ive been through hell bc then you gotta accept youve put me through additional unnecessary hell that only warped my#perception worse of a community i thought i was fuckin part of and accepted in but apparently tf not#like you only have yourselves to blame for that shit. for why i hate online queer spaces now.#man it would just suck so so hard for your narrative if i was actually abused as much as i say and my abusive x was actually lying about me#bc otherwise how will you pretend trans men never ever experience any issues ever?#like i dont need to look. ik im one of the main blogs yall like to target and put on blast for transandrophobia stuff bc im super fuckin#outspoken about my shit (nevermind that yall never directly confront me). i already know thats how it is bc theres ppl on here who have a#apparently deep interest in constantly hating me and trying to find reasons im wrong. so when i say something is bad they habe to act like#its good actually somehow. and ik it all roots back to my abuser. there is literally no other reason i can think of that would mame ppl#that invested in hating me unless they believe everything my ex says. so undoubtedly theres ppl in my exs spaces who believe#transandrophobia is fake men arent oppressed ever etc etc. i digress. but ik its yall who've propped this whole shit up#ik its yall who put me on blast for this first and triwled to spread it that i was one of the Big Bad Names in the transandrophobia spaces#so ik yall use me as an example. ik you tell people i lie about everything. ik you tell people i exaggerate. ik you tell people im crazy#ik you tell ppl they cant trust me or rely on me and spread all the bs my ex says about me and even spreads their abuse toward me further#by even doing that shit. yall NEED to keep believing that im the Big Bad Trans Guy that you think i am bc otherwise your whole worldview#falls tf apart. everything you've been standing on online about how trans mascs who believe in transandrophobia are bad would fall apart.#if i am really as fuckin abused and victimized as i say. suddenly you dont get to use me as the example for Bad Transandrophobia Believer#and I KNOW thats the only reason yall choose not to listen or believe us. its LITERALLY just because you're choosing a side in a personal#relationship situation. ik it has nothing to do with politics for plenty of you. you're taking a side and shitting out reasons for why you#did after the fact.#if you really care about politics n shit you should listen to ALL THE OTHER TRANS MEN TALKING ABOUT THIS#besides using one person as your example for why you shouldnt believe people who believe this is a thing.#i mean. even aside the fucking fact that its all bs. if yall dont wanna believe me. whatever. you can get traumatized by them if you want#idefc at this point. if you actually care about politics as much as you say you gotta engage w people in good faith and uh maybe try n#listen to the SWATHES of other trans guys who also talk about this shit and thinks its real.
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Conversion therapy? In MY emdr with a clueless cis woman ? Its more likely than you think
#this👌🏻close to dropping my therapist forever I swear#i was telling her how my parents have acted my whole life like my body belongs to them and chose all my haircuts and clothes until age 14#and still act like its a fucking national tragedy every time i change my hair or get a tattoo or something#and how ive had a terror and disgust at the idea of pregnancy since childhood so much so that i used to have nightmares about it at like 5#and shes like well i need you to carefully consider if your desire to ‘change your body’ and ‘masculinize it’ is truly YOUR desire or if#you just want to make gestures to rebel and reclaim your possession of your body🥺#like wow youre so smart did you perchance read freud? I never considered the idea that events that have occurred to me might have affected#my identity behaviors and desires!#and like of course theres overlap of course these things are related. but even if its that way even if worst case scenario we do a Psyche#Deep Dive and find out that i was redacted as a kid or whatever. WHAT would that even change about me now!!!#WHY shouldn’t i be able to do things that would materially improve my life by giving me a measure of psychological peace even if i might#not want those things in a hypothetical alternate reality where nothing happened to me . why do i have to be sane and normal in order to#make decisions about my body and my life.#god. we struggling girlies🤪
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Thinking abt janick tonight.....
#ik today was for Bruce but like#im watching the en vivo! ver. of dance of death rn and JANICK <3#hes so beepbop i love how he jumps around#GO PEEPAW GO!!!!!!!#i cant believe i saw that live btw i will never miss the opportunity to say that#seeing him prance around irl <3333#and point in my general direction [it was at me i swear] <3333#screaming into a paper bag#i was having a really bad night tbh because of some home stuff but getting to get a little#pastry thing idk#stick a candle in it and watch the vid of nicko having the crowd sing happy birthday to bruce made me feel better :')#and now im just watching live clips#when i tell you i feel so like left out of life or something#so alienated or so much of an outcast because of how much these guys mean to me#which is why i like posting about it here instead because we're all kinda deep in the trenches [affectionate] :)#ily tumblr#its MY hellsite#anyways gn teehee
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Im still not anti a new peacemaker or anti Chris being replaced like in theory because Mitchell Black was cool and Kupperberg’s rejected ongoing pitch was also about a entirely different guy and also very interesting. Even Leaguebuster Peacemaker couldve turned out interesting if he was allowed to actually do anything. But like, Peacemaker’s all over the place right now. I dont want it to happen yet because I still feel like he hasnt really gotten the chance to do anything
#I know Ive said this before just. Again.#Not that I think they'd let peacewrecker actually replace peacemaker#I think it also sucks she doesnt have her own design like Mitchell did#This is the consequence of ignoring the peacemaker project or even just like peacemaker as part of checkmate lore#I swear to god if it doesnt get brought up and Peacemaker is now officially just some lone gunman type guy instead of#someone Employed By The Fucking Government#Its also possible I'd feel different about Mitchell if Chris never actually came back to life but like#I dunno. Like his 80s character stuff is all sad and bleak and terrible but its still something#He wasnt allowed to seek the help he needed and he got worse and worse until he died. Sad but its something#now its like. We kinda got stuff in suicide squad but hes a bad guy working with waller again in crisis#and that green arrow cover seems to be him doing more bad guy things#and peacemaker back and forthing between good guy and bad guy is fine but like. I mean#why was he still working with Waller he kind of hates her now?#He sees her as like pure evil.#watever. My point is Im annoyed about comic books ignoring my special little guys DEEP LORE
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