#i still have no idea how to use the propaganda tag but oh well. also have no idea how to format comics(?) so i hope this posts fine weeps | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

seakicker · 2 years ago

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hi. please excuse me.if this is absolutely batshit but im penis delirious at 2:26am rn. also this is based off christian/catholic practices bc im traumatized but horny ...SORRY THIS IS SO LONG I DIDNT EXPCT THIS (tags: church/cult mentions, a lot of praise, lots of creampies)

im imagining priest!childe doing his whole sermon with his cult of followers. maybe zhongli attends bc he's curious abt the whole commotion his friend was making abt "how great it is to be a god" which ... lmao

theres not much special abt childe's cult. typical propaganda, fear mongering, and ego-stroking — the usual. but when he breaks the bread and says to "take this, all of you, and eat of it," zhongli cant believe what he sees.

you, a sacrifice. clearly inexperienced, very cute. laid out on the pedestal and being absolutely ruined by childe. singing to the high heavens and praising the tsaritsa — praising childe as your god. he's nothing but an attentive lover, giving such a sweet little thing kisses and soft praises.

it isn't long until the pleasure is too much for him, and he forces his hips to go as deep as he can go. not long either until the rest of the servers come to take their fill as well. as soon as childe gave his permission, you're overwhelmed by all the hands grabbing at every part of your body. they all give you the same tender and loving attention. whispers of how good you're being and how good you feel; it's all that can be heard among the wet, fervent slapping of skin against skin.

as all the churchgoers come together to partake in your body, childe strolls over to his friend, still sitting in the same corner. "what's the matter? you never been to a sermon like this before?" it takes zhongli a lot of willpower to break his sight away from you, begging and moaning so beautifully. taking so much and thanking them too, fuck you're so— he shakes his head. "no, i can't say i have."

the ginger pushes him forward, saying something vague about "keeping up the tradition!" so zhongli has no choice but to step up, now that so many eyes were drawn to him because of childe's loud mouth. but as he steps up to the pedestal, and he's welcomed by you, smiling and reaching your arms out to him in an embrace — still looking divine even when you're fucked stupid — he slowly comes to understand.

as he pushes into you and hears you croon just for him, moan his name in that voice, wrap your arms around him like he's the only one that matters to you — oh celestia guide him.

with each second he spends with you, and each load he forces deep inside you, he feels himself grow more and more greedy. it's now that he understands, maybe childe was right.

it feels great to be a god.

this was absolutely INCREDIBLE from start to finish and really stroked my cult kink LOL i love the idea of sex cults and i love gangbangs. lord

afab + gn reader, religious/cultish themes, group sex/exhibitionism, childe is delusional of course, and moral degradation on zhongli's part below!

i like to imagine that childe doesn't even view himself as a cult leader nor his followers as members of a cult. cult has such a... harsh connotation, he says. it's such a dirty term used primarily to insist that a group is irrational, unreasonable, or otherwise out-of-touch with norms and reality— he explains that cults are groups where followers are robbed of their individual agency and autonomy, and childe encourages nothing but free decision-making and public discourse here. in his mind, this is what religion should be— a joint, equally-profitable give-and-take between sacrifice and slayer; he explains to zhongli that this is what you chose for yourself! you're a willing participant, not a terrified, trembling, horrified little lamb he kidnapped from somewhere and forced this life upon. this isn't cult activity; cult activity is inherently a violation of individual freedom and cause for alarm, and this setting constitutes neither of those things.

no, no. not at all. this is what you want.

such is a fact that childe was easily able to deduce and subsequently explain to everyone, both to zhongli and to the group of worshippers eager to partake in your body once childe gives them permission to do so (because the priest gets first dibs, of course.) obviously any outsider with half an ounce of sensibility that childe's, ah, group is the textbook definition of a cult, but he won't take too kindly to anyone that dares call it such. is he not helping you and others find the path to the tsaritsa's salvation? how could what he's doing be considered cultish when it's all for the betterment of both the individual and larger society? cults are manmade anyhow, and childe views himself as a being closer to the tsaritsa than to the common man these days.

childe eases zhongli's suspicions with relative brevity. he's smart enough to deduce that something is very, very wrong upon walking into childe's private quarters for such rituals, but even he has to admit that it's hard to truly view this setup as wrong when you're so... willing. you're not in distress, you're not being forced to take childe's cock, you don't cry or sob or wail in pain as he eases thick inch after inch of himself into your pussy, and you don't protest when childe finally gives the rest of the group the word to come and eat their fill as well. you giggle and moan when the worshippers' hands grope at your soft breasts and hips, dip between your legs to help push childe's cum back inside of you, and reverently run across your body with all the gentleness of a human petting a trembling animal. if this is truly what you want, far be it from within zhongli's right to put a stop to it; you're happy, childe's happy, the worshippers are happy... and all that's left is to ensure zhongli's happy as well.

when in snezhnaya, do as snezhnayans do— and so zhongli figures there's no time like the present to enjoy and study his friend's customs.

#honest to god i would love to make this a full fic sometime #as long as you give me permission to use your idea for a fic of course!#cw exhibitionism #cw religion #childe x reader #zhongli x reader #priest childe #tartaglia x reader #juju bakery

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minisoc · 3 years ago

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As requested, line by line breakdown of testoster2's anti communist rant about parties.

> idk which baby leftist needs to hear this

off to a great condescending start from someone whose only left credit is claiming to be on the left on their Tumblr

> but joining a socialist party will be a waste of your time.

I couldn't imagine a more cop opinion to start us off with. i see things like this and i think: whose interests does this serve? "oh no baby leftists, don't join a party" just brings to mind this image

> you'll probably have to pay a monthly due

that's true. every communist party in history has taken dues from members. it's typically scaled to what you can manage though and it's part of the collective effort of the party organization to make social change. my dues sent comrades to Venezuela and Cuba to learn from socialists there, they produced our programs for free lunches, it built our community centers. i have no regrets about paying my dues, i pay dues to my union as well.

> that goes to like. flyers no one reads

projection. sounds now like op is defending their own lack of action with a lack of belief in the possibility of change. in my experience people do read things and even change their minds after reading things. if people were not able to be affected by the written word then propagandists on all sides would be in a tough situation.

> that you yourself will have to give to people

oh no, you mean joining a party means you might have to do outreach and talk to people? can see why it's not for op, then.

> (this in case the money doesn't go straight in the party leader's pocket).

op has never seen this but says it like it's a fact. it would be pretty easy to find out if your party leadership is embezzling and your party should be structured in a way that you know they'd be thrown out if they betrayed everyone like this. i have that confidence in my party, at least.

this is also very reminiscent about how anti communists engage with propaganda. they feel comfortable making claims of any kind whether supported or not. anyway, this is another obvious cop opinion.

> you'll waste time writing papers and reports and shit, it'll feel like having a second job.

not explained is why writing is a waste of time. i think writing for a party is almost always a useful activity, whether you're making plans for a new action or campaign or producing new agitational materials or analysing the results of previous work so you can improve on it.

it is a job, though. being a communist does mean doing work, society won't change by sitting at home and attacking communist parties on Tumblr. the lifelong sacrifices made by hard working communists are why we have seen so many socialist victories in the last century.

> the most exciting events will be lib shit like elections

this again can only be projection. the most exciting times for me have been in some of the countries largest protest actions, organizing campaigns to free political prisoners, providing at risk communities with basic needs and engaging with them, building new unions, etc. etc

> or peaceful protests that the party would still organize w/o you as a member

here's the key issue with op i think. they want to be vital to the revolution. they don't want to think that they're only one of many people all working together. yes it's true the party will continue without you, especially a wannabe cop like you. but it doesn't mean party work is useless, it just means you are useless as an individual.

> (showing up at a protest w/o having a party affiliation gives you more freedom

freedom to do what, i do wonder? being afraid of party work bc it doesn't let you do whatever you want is kinda silly, if you don't want anyone to ever tell you what to do then yeah don't join a party. if you want to make change in the world then do.

> + makes you a bit less arrestable - as opposed to if a cop saw you carrying a name tag w the hammer and sickle on it. just fyi)

this again appears to have been just made up by op. I've never been arrested for wearing a pin or a party tshirt. i don't know a single person who has. and I've known plenty of people without any markings get arrested.

> all this w/o even mentioning how (depending on your luck) there could be a lot of infighting, splits, sometimes purges

well yes it sounds like there would be a lot of drama wherever op goes but it doesn't seem to be the case generally. my party did form in a split, but over 15 years ago. i don't see any reason to worry that it would happen again any time soon. we don't infight at all, sorta the concept of the party is people who want to work effectively together.

another bit of funny evidence that op is anti communist is the inclusion of the word purges, lol. purge means expulsion from party, ooh very sinister.

> all in all, joining a socialist party is a very, Very ineffective way of building communism lmao

well first it's simply a truth that no socialist country was ever built without a communist party. not one.

but also, did any of ops points have anything to do with effectiveness? all i gathered is they're pushing an individualistic, don't tell me what to do outlook. and the condescension about protests and flyering suggest they want something more adventurist, possibly involving violence. remember the fbi and police always instigate when they infiltrate groups. they always push for criminal actions and violence.

> i'd instead recommend you talk to your neighbours abt their lives, and see how you can help each other.

hey, guess what a party does! do you think our new tenants unions and unemployed councils could come into being without talking to neighbors? do you think our new unions could come into being without discussing the way we could help each other?

> if you live in like a very rich neighbourhood or something, instead of joining a socialist party

well isn't this an interesting premise. i wonder what it says about op that they want to emphasize what the well off should do.

> it'd be way more effective if you joined a liberal/conservative party and then fucked their shit up as much as possible

sure, just see every other attempt in history at wrecking or entryism with the Democratic party. i encourage you to look into it

> if ur only goal is meeting other leftists, only go to the first 2 or 3 party meetings, by then you'll know the scene and you'd have already befriended the interesting people. that;s my advice at least

this piece of advice is generally good. in fact before applying to join any party if at all possible i encourage you to meet with the members local to you, see how they work, see what you think of their ideas and what they're doing. if they're not active in your community, ask why not. there's nothing requiring you to join if it isn't for you. but if you want to make change in this country, learning how to do it from those with experience is best. and working together in an organization that can effectively chart a path forward is the only option there is. every communist revolution was built with the leadership of the communist party.

#testoster2 #close reading #communist parties #socialism #us politics

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theaviskullguy · 4 years ago

Text

Ink and Petals

@dapple-dualies-propaganda here's the au

Tattoo artist! Rider x Florist! Goggles

hope you enjoy!

---------

When was it not busy at Squid ink?

It was one of the top Tattoo Parlors in Inkopolis. and it was also on a pretty busy street. So, it got a lot of customers. Also the fact that one of the artists was a famous turfer.

Rider hadn't formerly retired, but he had eased out of playing Turf Wars. He had found other interests outside of the sport: Theater, art, reviewing old movies online... He still did Turf from time to time, albeit the adult league. He was too old for the more popular teen division.

So, he found a job as a tattoo artist. And he rather loved it. Not only did most of his friends consult him for tattoo advice (from where the best places are to good designs), but he also knew some gossip. One of his regulars had beef with her neighbor because he has a pet raccoon who keeps stealing her trash and Rider could NOT wait to hear more about this story.

Another thing was, well, Rider had seen some shit. From people covered head to toe in tats, to people eagerly wanting their first tattoo, even to shyer folk who wanted one to defy controlling parents or to mark something important.

None of that prepared Rider for the news he got when tattooing one of the customers. More specifically, Gloves.

You see, Gloves had been coming in for the past few days. They had wanted a pretty complicated butterfly tat, so for the last 3 days Rider has been exchanging stories with the resident enby about... pretty much anything.

This is how this exchange happened;

"So you remember Goggles, right?" Gloves asked.

Rider rolled his eyes. "What, you think I'd forget the guy who kept pulling down my pants?"

"Oh ha ha. Anyways, apparently he works at that flower shop now."

"...He what?"

"You heard me!" They said. "I went there yesterday to get something for a project and there was Goggles! He misses you, 'ya know!"

Rider was just. quiet. He hadn't talked to his crush in a while, contact dwindled when Rider stopped doing Turf as much. Never once did he think Goggles would miss him, but that was probably the self hatred talking.

"...I'll think about it." Was all Rider said.

The conversation continued like nothing happen; Gloves saying multiple cursed things and Rider sharing interesting stories he heard on his job. Time flew by and soon, the tattoo was done; a butterfly with the bi colors on one wing and the nb colors on the other. Rider was quite proud of it, and Gloves seemed to like it. They waved, and left the store, humming to themselves.

Rider looked at the clock. His shift ended in just a few minutes. He knew he had no other appointments that day, so he took to watching old recorded matches in his phone.

Those were over a decade ago. Yet he still remembered everything. His favorite part was still learning he won a match by such a small margin. It was just... amazing.

He sighed. Rider missed those battles. But he has to say, he missed his crush a bit more.

He clocked out, saying goodbye to the other employee-Cherry (business relationships were easy to maintain when your coworkers were your siblings), and headed towards the flower shop for more reasons than one.

Army had a performance the next day. And yeah, Rider knew it was romantic, but platonically giving your best friend flowers was always nice. Plus, he wanted an excuse to see Goggles again.

He looked into the shop-the blue inkling was nowhere to be seen, but then again neither was the front desk. So, Rider shrugged and stepped in.

The floral scent was strong, but not overwhelming. Plenty of blossoms lined the stands, along with tags of what the flowers were and what they meant.

Rider looked around, trying to remember which flowers Army liked again, when he heard a familiar, youthful voice.

"Hi! Need any help?"

The inkling turned around. Goggles had definitely changed since Rider last saw him; his tentacles were longer and in an actual bun, for once. His blue eyes still had that clarity, and he still had that goofy smile. Though he didn't seem to recognize Rider.

"Uhh... I'll be fine. I'm just trying to remember what flower my friend likes the most." He said, hoping his accent didn't give him away; there weren't many in Inkopolis with an Australian accent.

But, Goggles didn't seem to notice or care. "Oh, okay!"

Rider internally breathed a sigh of relief. That would have been awkward if Goggles recognized him.

He looked around the shop, before spotting a bouquet of lilies. He knew Army liked lilies. If they weren't his favorite flower, it'd be close enough.

Rider took a few of the bigger ones, and a few white roses for variety, and took them to the counter.

Goggles smiled. "This a special occasion?"

"Not exactly. Just, my friend's doing a performance for a musical and I wanted to get him something for it." Rider explained.

"What musical?" Gogs asked, arranging the flowers with a sheer, white ribbon tying them together.

"Hadestown. He got Eurydice."

"Oh! I went to go see it last night! Army's amazing at that role. He's your friend, right?"

Rider internally panicked, but calmed down after remembering he wasn't Army's only friend. "Yeah. We've been friends for a while now."

"Well, tell him I said hi!" He handed the bouquet to Rider. "On me, alright? It's for a friend anyways!"

Rider nodded. "Thanks, mate."

"You're welcome!"

------

A few weeks went by. Rider occasionally stopped at the flower shop and got flowers for...well, no real reason. He'd use them to add color to his house, or give them to friends. He just wanted an excuse to see Goggles.

He'd talked to the blue inkling a bit more, too. He'd gotten into the business since, well, he really liked flowers, and he wanted a job where he could just...relax! He still did Turf, of course, but the Adult league was more serious than the teen one, and he just wanted to have fun instead of be expected to take a game seriously.

He still didn't recognize Rider. The yellow-green inkling was a bit hurt by this, to be honest.

Though, it was a bit startling when Goggles actually walked into Rider's work. And Rider was assigned to give Goggles his first tattoo: A blue jay on his shoulder, taking off from a branch.

This time, it was Goggles' turn to ask questions as Rider worked.

"Sooo.... you've been coming into my shop for a while and I still don't know your name!" The blue inkling stated. "I mean, you can probably recognize me though!"

Rider shrugged. "Well, who can forget Goggles of the Idiot Blue team?"

Goggles giggled. "You do know me! I still don't know you!!"

"...I can assure you, we've met before that day I got Army flowers." Rider said.

"Ooh! Can I try and guess who you are?"

"Ehh, why not."

"Okay! Umm..." Goggles thought for a moment. "Clams facemask?"

Rider shook his head. "Nope."

"Inkfall?"

"Wrong."

"Eging Jr?"

"Not even close there."

"Stealth Goggles?"

"Getting closer, I'll give you that."

"....Rider?" Goggles asked.

Rider chuckled. "Took you long enough, idiot."

Goggles smiled wide. "I finally found you! Hi Riri!"

"Hey, Gogs. It's been a while."

"Yeah! I'm a bit surprised I didn't recognize you, since we were pretty close!" Goggles stated.

Rider shrugged. "Well, I'm not the most memorable person anyways."

"Riderrrrr don't say that!" Goggles said. "You're still really popular!"

"To some people, maybe. Not everyone."

There was a tense silence, other than the hum of the tattoo needle as it made the drawing.

"....So." Goggles started again. "How's life?"

"It's...well, better than it was." Rider said. "Got my own place, for one. Though it gets a bit lonely.. You?"

"I'm still living in an apartment. I really want a roommate!" Goggles proclaimed. "Maybe we could move in together?"

"..I'll think about it, Gogs. Though it might be fun being your roommate."

"Really? Thanks Rider!" Goggled smiled.

The conversation grew more casual. Rider enjoyed it; turns out Goggles had his fair share of gossip. It was kinda cool.

And as the next few days passed, Rider looked forward to each of those sessions. His crush seemed to go from "this person would be fun to date i think" to "hOLY MOTHER OF THE GODS IM IN L O V E", and it didn't help that during those meetings, Goggles had to be shirtless.

The days turned into weeks and months. Goggles moved in with Rider, and the two became incredibly close friends.

And, it came to a head near valentines day. Goggles' shop was very busy, as expected. Luckily, Squid Ink wasn't as much.

So, on his day off, just before Valentines, Rider headed to the flower shop and got a bouquet of roses. Cliché to confess on Valentines day, Rider knew, but he's a pining gay cut him some slack.

And Rider came home right as Goggles was leaving for his shift. So, that left Rider with a good 3 hours to practice his confession.

"Alright, Rider. This has to be CASUAL. 'Hey, I've liked you for over a decade but just now had the confidence to confess!' No, too creepy sounding. 'Yo, Gogs. I really like you and maybe we could go out to dinner sometimes?' ...Too casual."

....Yeah, this went on for a while.

Rider groaned, collapsing his his bed. "I wish feelings were fucking easier...I should just call Army."

So, he grabbed his phone and selected the contact, Veronica Sawyer Kinnie

"C'mon, Army... pick up."

And not one ring later, "Rider, what is it?"

"...I need romantic help. Please." Rider asked.

"Look, just because I'm married to Aloha, doesn't mean I know how I ended up here."

"Yeah, I kinda know that." He stated. "Still. I really need some help."

Army sighed. "Who is it? It's totally that one person with the raccoon story-"

"Actually, no. It's, um.... It's Goggles."

The octoling on the other end of the line could be heard sighing. "Still a morosexual I see."

"OI! You're the one who married a fuckin himbo!"

".....Touché. Still, there's a difference."

Rider huffed. "Just... give me some advice. I wanna confess to him tomorrow but I've got no idea how. I'm giving him roses, but like, there's gotta be something more I could do, y'know?"

"Have you tried asking Prince?" Army suggested. "He is the one with the obsession with rom coms and romance novels."

"This is his exam period, Army. I'm not about to potentially interrupt a cram session by asking for romantic advice!"

"Fair enough. I'd say...well, just rip off the band aid. Like... 'Hey, Goggles, I really like you and was wondering if you'd like to be my boyfriend.'"

"...Thanks, Arm. I'll, uh, give it a try."

-------

Rider couldn't sleep that well. Mainly out of anticipation.

He was gonna confess to his crush of...over a decade, at least. He didn't fuckin know what was gonna happen!

Like, would Goggles reciprocate? Would he hate Rider after it? WHAT THE FUCK WOULD HAPPEN-

He sighed. He needed to get his mind off this shit.

Rider looked over to his bedside clock: 5AM. 5 hours before his shift. 5 hours to get his shit together and plan for confessing to the world's cutest but also dumbest man later that night.

C'mon, Rider. Think. Army said to rip it off like a band aid, but Goggles might find that a little sudden and out of the blue. He could write a letter and leave it for Goggles when he went to his shift (The flower shop was closed on Valentines day). That would be a safe option.

Rider sat up, and got out a piece of paper and pencil, writing a note.

"Hey, Goggles.

There's something I've been wanting to tell you for a while. I really, really like you. As in, a crush.

I totally get it if you don't like me back, or think I'm weird, but hey, I was wondering if you'd wanna go out to dinner or something. Probably not tonight cause of Valentine's day but maybe tomorrow night or something.

-Rider"

Quickly, he folded it and wrote Goggles' name, putting a little heart sticker on it. It was corny, but hey, Rider had to use up those stickers somehow.

Rider attached it to the roses, and kept it on his desk.

And so, the morning went as normal. He had breakfast, got out of his pjs, put his hair up... the usual.

But as Rider left to go to work, he left the note and rose on the table, and left the house quickly.

During the day, he nearly forgotten all about it; He caught up with the gossip-Apparently the neighbor with the raccoon and the regular were now dating. So that was a nice little end to the story.

Squid Ink wasn't AS busy-probably because it was Valentines day, people were spending it with their lovers, not getting inked up (unless they made the appointment when single)

And it was near the end of Rider's shift when he heard his name mentioned. Probably someone making an appointment before he heard the familiar voice of Goggles going "Okay!!"

The blue inkling walked over to his station. "Hi Ridey!!"

"...Hey, Gogs. Getting another tat?" Rider asked, trying to keep his cool.

Goggles nodded. "Yeah!!!"

"A'ight anything specific in mind or-"

"Can I get just a simple quote one?"

Rider nodded. "Where do you want it?"

Goggles pulled down the collar of his shirt slightly. "Right here, please!"

"Okay. Just try to keep holding that down so I don't mess up.

-----

And so, tattoo conversations ensued.

The quote Goggles had wanted was a simple Pride one, that said "love is love". It was discreet, but a bit of it could be seen poking out if Goggles ever wore a v-neck.

"So, any plans for tonight?" Rider asked, trying to keep things subtle. Maybe Goggles hadn't read the note yet.

The blue inkling nodded. "Kinda! I had mental plans buuuuut nothing serious."

Rider raised an eyebrow. "Who with?"

"..I m-mean, I still have to ask him.." Goggles' face turned a shade of blue, and he averted his gaze.

"....Can I guess who he is?"

"If ya can!"

He smiled. "Does his name have an R in it?" Rider had a guess it was himself, but it wouldn't hurt to check.

Goggles nodded. "Yeah!"

"Got an accent?"

"Yep!!"

"Is he doing your tattoo?"

"....y-yeah?" Goggles sheepishly smiled. "I'm n-not that discreet, am I?"

Rider chuckled, but on the inside he was screeching. "Honestly? I had no clue myself."

"Really? I've been dropping the most obvious hints!"

"...Like what?" Rider asked, now a bit curious.

"Welllll I've been picking movies you like during movie night, I've made sure to get your drink on coffee runs, Oh! And I offered to cook dinner that one time!" Goggles stated.

"...Damn. I'm just oblivious then." The former dynamo user laughed, before turning off the needle. "There. It's all done." Rider held up a mirror for the blue boy.

Goggles' face lit up. "Whoa! It looks amazing!!! Thanks Riri!"

Rider smiled. "You're welcome. Now, uh, ...did you read my note?"

"..Y-yeah, I did. And, um...I like you too Rider!!" The blue man pressed a small, quick kiss to Rider's cheek.

Rider blushed. "S-so, you'll let me t-take you out?"

Goggles nodded. "Yeah!!!"

"I...thanks, Gogs."

"You're welcome Riri!!!"

----------

aAAAAA RUSHED END

but like. hope yall enjoy!

#Galax Writes #tattoo artist x florist #splatoon #coroika #coroika rider #coroika goggles #goggles x rider

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rayshippouuchiha · 4 years ago

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Can I be honest?

Ao3 actually kept me from harm BECAUSE it hosted darker content that is well tagged.

Let me explain. I started my fanfiction days pretty young and in ff.net no less. I loved reading and I was curious. First thing I learned before going on the internet was from my father (the internet is not for kids, stay sharp, you going into an adult place, act like it). I was very careful but I was still curious.

So, I started small, but because of the ff.net tag mess I did get burned. A few times. Sudden violence, amputations, sex scenes (god i remember the lemon scale bs, as if i understood it in the first place) (this was before the purge). This was because all the well written fics were mostly in the M rating but had no specific tags so I had no idea if the M was for torture, cursing, or god knows what, I couldn't filter out anything.

Some of those things I still remember, they left a mark in a way, but that wasn't the writer's fault because they couldn't tag and I ignored the author note sections because most of the time it was just rambles of the author talking with the characters self-insert style or about their real life problems, how was I supposed to find a warning in that kind of mess? And that's on me.

In that period I kinda got introduced to sex, a thing that wasn't talked about around me in real life. I was already a bit older, so I read it no problem. Then got introduced to kinks and found them interesting.

That's where Ao3 comes in. I found it when looking at fic recs and saw a new internet address instead of ff.net. For me, it was the holy grail. I was still a young curious teen girl but suddenly had access to a whole library of cool shit. I read a lot of mainstream fics and switched between fandoms like a deck of cards. Then, I saw the E rating. I was interested and clicked. Clicked through the adult content warnings like a true kid lying about their age on the internet.

I saw tags galore! Now, for the first time I was, in a way, safe while exploring dark stuff. Because one fic on the same page was tagged underage (the characters were my age at the time) and was E, while a whole other E fic on the same page was graphic torture case fic and worse. And it was all tagged.

So there I went, looking at fic, going hmmm and deciding: oh that's interesting, ew no, oh that's gross, huh i wonder what that is, this sounds good, oh i love this, uhhhhh hmm should I risk it, OH HELL NO.

And that's the thing! I knew what I was reading! I could experiment with kinks and dark things in a completely safe environment of the fantasy world!

Ao3 in a way saved me from talking about these things with others and accidentaly falling into an actual predator's hands (think student/teacher dynamic, grooming), because my curiosity wasn't going away, I still would have looked sooner or later, and if it wasn't for the no-interaction interface of Ao3 (a story can't kidnap or molest you), I could have been hurt.

Like yeah, no shit, I know I'm lucky that my brain didn't get actual trauma from textual depictions of dark stuff I stumbled on in my early days, but what I did get was more valuable than the risk of trauma (also, you can't get trauma from a tag, but you could from the text that has the tag, so the reader is still the one responsible, they were warned what was inside the box and still opened it).

I got boundaries, squicks, hard no's, absolute limits, whatever people call them these days. I now know what I can deal with and what I can't. I know myself better and could now fight against a person trying to bend or break them. I read dark shit so I know what kind of emotions I get from them and in what circumstances (what I like in text pretty much never carries into real life (even the mild things like biting), surprise).

But purity police would look at my Ao3 history and scream their head off about how I'm a deviant roaming free to attack people like a rabid dog, because obviously I must secretly wish to do that in real life!

And then if they met me they would get the confusion of a lifetime! They would have this image of a sexual deviant/old as fuck creeper/freak and then see me, a 21 year old woman, a well adjusted and social individual who has NEVER and will NEVER hurt a fly, eating chips in bed and reading fucked up shit about fictional characters for entertainment.

Because that's the difference. It's not the average people reading fucked up shit that are dangerous to the public, it's the people who already were fucked in the head before reading anything. No story on this Earth can force you to commit a crime unless you already wanted to do it and were just looking for an excuse.

Case in point, the Dexter inspired murders ("it wasn't me it was the book, I am innocent, it was the evil book, as such I am not to blame, blame the author!") and the NUMEROUS video game related murders (oh no it's not the parent's fault they bought their unstable child a 18+ rated game, it's the game's/creator's fault!"

Fiction and Reality coexist and influence each other in various ways (propaganda, misinformation, stereotypes, false data), but not like this.

And do you guys know why? Because we have an instinctive moral compass, we know right from wrong, and anyone fooling themselves thinking "I would have never done that if this [media] didn't tell/force me to do it" are in fact lying. Again, they would have done it eventually or even wanted to do it already, they just found a viable excuse now, all free to use as a "get out of jail free" card.

Sorry for the long ask and for my English (non-native speaker), you can ignore this, I won't mind. Just got a bit ticked off at people blaming writers for shit they didn't do. So here is my perspective from a long time reader's point of view.

If all these works didn't make me into a monster after all this time reading, then maybe, just maybe, it's not the works' fault.

You bring up absolutely wonderful and important points darling. Thank you for sharing.

And your English is fantastic so don’t worry about it.

#Fandom #Anonymous #RayRambles

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thegeminisage · 4 years ago

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If you want to, name ur top 5 spn fic recs bc I need stuff to read and I trust ur judgement :D

HELLOOOOO okay it’s v tragic that most of the fic i used to read back in 2010 and had lovingly bookmarked on delicious got lost to the sands of time but i do still have 38 in my ao3 bookmarks so we will work with them. i’m gonna do 11 because i didn’t want to just do 5 and when i tried to do 10 i couldn’t seem to elimate that last one. it’s my blog i can do what i want

One Shot by InsaneTrollLogic (gen) THIS is my favorite spn fic of all time and has been for years and will probably never ever be unseated. it’s very short (only 1500 words), and it’s gen, and you need to have seen season 1 to understand it, and you also need to go in COMPLETELY blind. do not look at the comments or the bookmarks. it’ll only take a few minutes to finish. if i write something even half as good as this before i die i’ll consider that a success beyond my wildest imagination. if you only read one fic on this list i’m begging you make it this one

not with a bang but a yelp by strange_estrangement this is by @maulthots and it’s a collection of yelp reviews for all the fucking motels sam and dean stay at. it is theeeee funniest thing she’s ever done. truly love this one. chefs kiss.

like moses and batman and james dean by saltyfeathers (destiel) this is the ULTIMATE fic if you believe in the jackles headcanon of hooker!dean. i cannot possibly say enough about how well-written it is and how many times i have read and read and reread it.

Phantom Load by lovesrain44 (gen) CONTENT WARNING FOR THIS FIC. HEED THOSE TAGS. this is not a fic i usually rec to people (and in fact it’s bookmarked privately) because it deals with and graphically portrays child sex abuse. that’s not normally something i read fic about or really even think most people should be writing, but the author covers this topic really fucking tactfully for the most part and the fic is really well-done. i actually read this fic before i watched spn (i have no idea how i got here, like i said it is WAY out of my usual comfort zone), and this fic is what made me decide to watch the show. bonkers, right?

What Has Eight Tentacles and Isn't Allowed to Eat Pie? by Annie D (scaramouche) (destiel) this has no tentacle porn I PROMISE. i love this one bc it inadvertently makes the best possible case for an ace or even trans cas. you’ll see what i mean (and if you don’t, message me, i’d love to explain my passions). it’s also incredibly funny. everyone always asks who ellie is and she’s a one-off character they saved on a case. don’t worry about it, she’s great, she deserved to be in a fanfic

Named by RC_McLachlan (destiel) i mean, we all know what named is. if you don’t, it is utterly imperative that you go in blind. i gotta say though as an atheist who despises organized religion this fic accomplished what church and family and religious propaganda could not and made me like jesus. if jesus was in spn proper this is how they should have done it. i love jesus, he’s my homeboy. why haven’t you read this yet it’s so fucking good

Lake Effect by kalliel (gen) short s14 fic about dean and michael and alcoholism and drowning. this is one of those things where you don’t get it until the end and then you IMMEDIATELY have to open a window and scream. LOVE it.

the long walk by katsidhe (gen) short 13.21 coda with (chefs kiss) sam & lucifer content. which is like, its own warning obviously, but i was dying in this part of s13 for more acknowledgement of sam’s lucifer-related traumas here and this fic DELIVERS. late season spn often forgets to make lucifer scary, but he is scary here, and i love that

"Strangers" by saltyfeathers (destiel) an “episode script” on how destiel might’ve gone canon if we weren’t scaring away the general audience. this one is laugh-out-loud funny and also by the author of fic #3 on this list so you really can’t go wrong there

Redemption Arc by galaxysoup (gen) a post-s8 cas fic about him working to undo naomi’s memory wipes and save the world he inadvertently doomed. charlie & as bonding, a nice cas-centric arc, and oh yeah big bonus here is the asexual cas. i just read this one like last night but i loved it <3

body of proof by Askance (doomcountry) (gen) CONTENT WARNING FOR THIS FIC TOO. we all rightfully talk about the repeated theme of dean undergoing sexual violence, but BOTH winchesters have, and this is the sam side of that coin. it’s a really rough read and it won’t be for everyone but tbh sam deserves to have this acknowledged as much as dean does and this fic nails it.

and that’s my list!! pls enjoy, as always DEFINITELY check the tags, etc etc

[spn masterpost]

#liz answers asks #anonymous #liz watches spn #liz recs stuff

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jcfoxington · 3 years ago

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@sambambucky : “pls... Pastels, Peaches and Pain??? among us first draft??? marvel meets warframe meets a bunch of tumblr posts (it’s not an au!?!??!)

hi jo !!! Pastels, Peaches, and Pain is one of those sambucky wips i have mostly fully fleshed out in my head because of one (1) extreme moment of clarity after a rogue ‘what if’ tangent thought but havent written anything of yet out of restraint / knowing i need to finish at least one of my current sambucky wips before i start it or none of them will get done

this was the rogue tangent thought: “what if Sam is haunted by Figaro’s ghost and has been since he was a kid?”. i’ve changed the ghost cat to not be Figaro but that’s the premise !

i refer to the fic as the cat fic ‘cause the whole plot is based around sam’s ghost cat companion insisting he adopts nat’s cat Liho after endgame and then Figaro later and then [insert redacted because plot spoilers but just know it relates to Alpine]. no im not projecting my feelings about cats idk what youre talking about

here’s some note snippets just for you:

the cat, inexplicably, takes a liking to bucky, which is really annoying bc sam doesnt know how to explain to him that all the oddly soft gusts of wind are actually sam's dead cat insisting on getting pats

bucky getting shade thrown at him by said ghost cat during all of tfatws + them making up (and not out. yet)

starts when sam's a kid & follows him as he grows up w/ a ghost kitty as a companion only he can see & interact with + angst with an undertone of comedy + getting together

he whispers to ghost kitty, who simply mmrrs happily

for the among us first draft thing, what basically happened is i saw this tweet and this video and my brain latched onto these dynamics so hard i had to write about them.

here’s a sketch of my two main imposters, Black (left) and Cyan (right):

and here’s a snippet:

The thing having Cyan pause and stare out at the asteroid field is how the colors stretch to family. When they and Black came aboard, they had thought every crewmember was an adult working on the planet-change project. That the patch of off-white with a black something-pattern-or-shape signified status. In a way, Cyan supposes it does, but just not the way they expected. They had expected it to show what rank an individual held within the hierarchy of the crew, from deckhand to division leader to captain, not to show that you're family of the crew and not actually part of the crew itself.

There are innocents on this ship. Children. It was not something any of them had anticipated, and not something Cyan had been prepared to deal with. They and Black boarded this horrible place to eradicate a threat, believing each and single one of the humans were accomplishes and dedicated to the goal of destroying Cyan and Black's species, and their planet. But, now?

marvel meets warframe meets a bunch of tumblr posts... doesn’t have a wip title or seperate document for itself yet cause it’s been stuck in my ‘story ideas’ document since its creation. so ‘marvel meets warframe meets a bunch of tumblr posts’ is literally just me describing the vibe of an original world gjkerfkds

the world came to be for two reasons. firstly, i want to do make take on a superhero universe because the plot and complete lack of communication in both the dcu and mcu piss me the fuck off. secondly, needed a place to dump ocs with elaborate backstories or fantasy / sci-fi abilities that dont fit into any of my existing worlds

which sounds super competent but trust me, it isn’t. it didn’t gain any solidity at all until i decided to do a personal ‘how different can i make spn castiel look & still retain the same vibe?’ challenge. i have my own cas now

however, the reason i said ‘marvel meets...’ is because i’ve snagged a couple of different things from the mcu, most notably: enemies to reluctant coworkers to lovers, yes our best friend have the same name. no they’re not the same person, secret evil org is controlling the government, and the assassin that tried to kill you several times is now your best friend

warframe was added to the world because i got attached to my Volt build, gave them a name, and have some headcanons idk what to do with because i refuse to interact with that fandom. also because the friend i made through discussing warframe lore + plot dicked me over so it feels Bad to create for

the glue to this whole mess is that one “in every friend group there’s a mean bisexual, an even meaner lesbian, a she/they, a he/they, a himbo, an astrology bitch, a short king, and a token straight” tumblr post. my main group of superheroes ala the avengers consist of these people. the token straight is the only one i havent figured out who is yet

ever since i figured that out ive been throwing story / character ideas and weirdly specific aesthetics from popular tumblr posts into this world’s notes. here’s some examples:

sword grandmas

that trope where someone’s really nice and acts super well-adjusted to society but then they do something super whack and dangerous and you realize ‘oh they’re secretly a little bit insane, actually’

anti-gay group’s leader’s wife leaves him for another woman

superhero who swore to be the best hero [city / planet / solar system / continent / ????] has ever seen ever since he lost his wife. not because she’s dead but divorce just sucks & the hero-to-be is terrible at coping

dishevelled swamp witch

that one person who runs around with an amulet all the time & isn’t aware it’s cursed

an exasperated, tired superhuman assassin running after their husband and their husband's best friend. their husband and said husband's best friend both have wings. chaos ensues (yes, this one is a sambucky post)

ask me about my WIPs!

BONUS:

@sambambucky : #i want to have a coffee and listen to synopses of all of these.... #i miss the discord wow #WRITING TAG #waitttt time jumping dream movie? lmao I'VE READ THIS LIST FORTY TIMES and every time i rediscover something i wanna know about #outfit doodlesss ugh i need to go

couldnt not respond to your tags because they make me go ghrkjfnerknf but in the good way. we miss you too jo !!

the time jumping dream movie was one of the first vivid dreams i had and the whole thing was so stupidly coherent and whacky i had to write it down. it grew plot, a queer love dynamic, weird sci-fi apocalypse elements, anti-military propaganda, questionable science, and a sequel while i wasnt looking and now i just. have to make it a real movie or i’ll combust

outfit djoodlles.png is only on there because my best friend sent me a ‘draw this outfit’ meme and space kitty, my current character brainrot, stole all the outfits for himself. otherwise, that file just sits there until im feeling like designing an outfit or wanna see how a stupid thing looks on my oc patrick

here’s one of the two poses-to-doodle-outfits-on of space kitty ive made so far:

and here’s one of those stupid things on patrick (that then turned into an actual outfit of his because i have no self control):

#.jax speaks #.my art #.my writing #tysm for the interest jo !!!#if you have literally any questions or if youre serious about the synposes thing...#i love rambling abt my stupid brain people #i WILL answer all your questions #even if the answer is 'good question! ive got no clue'#.patrick mortensen #.space kitty #.pastels peaches and pain #.the among us thing #.marvels meets warframe meets tumblr posts #.time jumping dream movie

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misterbitches · 4 years ago

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I ship muren and li cheng bc i only saw it through gifs then i watched this episode cos i was like im only starting this show if they kiss im waiting and they did and it was nice and i got so anxious that i was about to fucking vomit. I really like them together. The top/bottom shit is dumb and i hope if they must mention it they all build a bridge and get over it so they can switch cos who gives a shit. I didnt realize how large they all are like most “tall” men on tv are lying. But bc that kid is so thin and tall and the other one (idk the stepbrother) is huge too. Li cheng is shorter than them both but more ~manly~ but still short so why doesnt he take a DICK UP HIS BUTT XD since that’s all that fucking matters and there’s only 2 genders and 2 eays to have sex lmao so nothing else otherwise ur screwed

Hd a terrible past couple of weeks personally and because i keep seeing my peopl eget murdered and things ripped from us ^_____^ anyway here’s Some libertatrian communist dumb bitch discoars so i’ll tag it:

keep in mind these are my opinions’”” when i engage in discourse. I am not the end all be all and I don’t need you to agree. There’s some shit I am non-negotiable on but thsi is just exchanging of information. Any authoratative tone I take on comes from my beliefs, my life, my experiences, and what I choose to cultivate as a person and an artist. I dont have control over your feelings, you do. If it hurts you then either tell me the issue and be PRECISE about it, understand that context matters which is why i type so much in engagement, and do not fucking lie or misconstrue my words. Do not call me western ever in your life either. I am a black-american. I have adhd and bc i am a black woman if ur automatically thinking im brolic i am accepting money in my paypal for ur wellbeing to get me to shut the fuck up.Thanks.

The stepbrothers storyline is stupid and lazy writing. I really want to counter people that say it’s written well and that it’s interesting because it isn’t. Even if it was illicit and fucked we can write a story out about this. Let’s rethink what they could have done shall we:

- become stepbrothers at about 16 and their parents mismanage the relationship and they fail in trying to get an integrated family together (this is what happened in the #iconic transit girls and that was fuckin’ weird but hey dude guess what we watched it and it was weird but not unethical and we know one is like 19 and the other is 21 and a girl so it’s like wow you avoided so much and handled their stepsister story very…….um lightly given the end lmao but it was there and people had AGENCY)

-OR you realize that freak is obsessed with him and then he realizes it and is like “bitch i swear to god” and in typical shtity trope BL fashion they can find a way from obsession, to loss and independence when you lose your obsession, to “love” if they choose

- have the fucked up shit but make it clear what the issues are and you literally cannot write your way out of it so do not try

But why can’t fucked up things be shown? Also this is realistic.

0. Well according to you but no one said that they can’t. So that’s on your interpretation of critique (that is, again, not bullying or harassment.) They can, i just gave plenty of scenarios in which it is affective and not just annoying to witness, trope-y, and frankly ridiculous and offensive. Sorry! They don’t do it well. You can come up with alternatives too. See #2 btw.

1. No it isn’t doing a good job of reflecting life because life has consequences. The exaggeration in drama doesn’t mean the arc shouldn’t be there. Almost always things that aren’t heavy with the message or meant to be sobering in a deep way are COMPELLING. The realism is the basis for art because we are human. This is not the way real humans act.

Someone said Tharn Type was mature and I had to laugh because no, no one acts that way and is “in love” if they act that way that means they fucking hate each other and they’re immature and frankly it’s just not that interesting for many of us to watch because the dramatization of the “realism” is fucking bonkers. That was such poor writing it is unbelievable and someone has the audacityt o say it’s how real adults act. Fucking murder me if I’m with someone for 7 years and we break up over a miscommunication and for some reason I am not as horny as my always horny boyfriend. The fuck? What kind of lives do you lead? Either you are not an adult or you are an adult who needs therapy.

I also hear the “realistic” argument but then people try and temper it with “but also it’s fiction.” What do you think fiction is? Why do you think filmmaking exists? Number one, it’s propaganda in the sense that you want others to buy into your presentation and see what you see. That means that the creators are telling people and influencing them WITH ART BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT IT IS about their feelings around a situation. That’s why it is imperative to be responsible as a filmmaker and artist and underline the deepness of creepiness if that’s what they want. If they want to relay that rape sometimes ok and psychos are crazy so they get boy (??!?!?!? BITCH?) then they achieved it with no innovative information. We know people get raped bc we are human beings and many of us live with that fear. You know, being the target demo and all. And bc BL loves that trope it’s rape fantasy peddled to young people and women. Just like shitty wattpad fics or NYT best sellers. Hooray, what now? Or are you trying to purport that this isn’t glorified fanfiction? Which it literally is

2. This is the issue with these shows. No one is saying that fucked up shit cannot be shown. There’s a film about a woman who is raped and she falls in love with her rapist (because he was masked but i think we find out later that she knows. Binoche is in it.) I have no desire for that film—i think it’s by a man and i extra dont care—but I hear it’s sort of powerful for many. I heard it was a good film. But the act itself is always eschewed and the conflict comes from how fucking ridiculous it is especially finding out that she knows. The power imbalance adn the possibility. They may not have handled it in a way I would have cared for but it was there.

There’s simply no imagination because these people do not care that much and aren’t great writers and filmmakers because they simply do not have to be. Sorry.

The industry doesn’t rely on the best they rely on efficiency (this is everywhere.) You can tell by the camera angles, the editing, the camera itself (idk if it is multicam but the flatness is typical soap flatness without the glowboxes to soften their faces.) Simple constant lighting. Now the surroundings are mostly beautiful. But even to some of the costumes. And those edits are abysmal, some of that camera work.

So with all that said even with the couple I extremely enjoy I see its (H4) faults. Add into that a lazily thrown together “shocking” love and if they are trying to get us to feel a type of way about its sexiness they fail. This is why movies like 50sog, 365 days, etc aren’t enjoyable to people because it’s fucking strange situations that they dont want to entangle or make enjoyable to viewers across the board. They know what people will take. It’s just that bitch what are we here for if even the sexiness isn’t there for ur stupid story.

At least with that teenager and 30 yr old man in MODC (which i do not love but i like them in theory if it wasnt totally repulsive to me and also if it was developed in a way that was good TO ME) they had their, er, “sex appeal” i talk about this as well the main couple in MODC to me, visually, was a miss. Not bc whatshisface was small and stuff but bc he was so sickly and they needed that to propel the story but it was just not appealing given how the story progressed. A missed opportunity in tying the two together besides making him look waif-y and sickly only to have the “did ur mom die in a car crash? No, cancer” type of move in not another teen movie. But the opposite. And not funny. Wayne tho????? GORL. Eggs. Cracked.

fandoms have a very warped sense of harrassment and discourse.

Most fandoms have harassers who are “protecting” the cast and crew who don’t need their protection (or maybe the crew does since they probably dont get paid well but why the fuck would anyone care about that lol) but very few have the people who have concerns or massive critique about the show are not going to be “bullying.”

If people are saying “if you like xyz, u suck” then sure it may suck for you to see but who fucking cares. Either talk to the person or don’t be friends with them. That is not bullying or harrassment. Things that are shitty get criticized. Fuck, things that aren’t shitty don’t. Get away from this idea of cancel culture and people misunderstanding the story. We have the ability to.

Think beyond your noses of personal preference. You don’t have to convince people of what you believe. Discussing it is good but critique is not bullying, harrassment, or hate. Neither is fucking roasting shit because even this shit I like (manner of death lets say) deserves it. Art is meant to be critiqued and if you dont fucking like the bullshit people make then say it. They know stupid stories like this are scandalous and they don’t give a shit in how to present them.

And guess what? You won’t like everybody. Many people can’t stand me i’m sure. Oh well. I mean frankly I don’t like that and I feel very unsettled when I don’t feel understood. That’s ok! I have to temper it. Sometimes calm myself down. I won’t get anything and everything I want. And you won’t like every opinion and sometimes it’s like “man am i a dummy?” But the part of growing up is fucking maanging that and beng honest about “bashing and harrassment” and “bullying” and growing up. Yuo can like what you want the “let people like what they want thing” is so fucking juvenile and THAT is not the real world. Which is probably why so many people feel that way, they dont want to live in the real world. Unfortunately, you do.

Think beyond our noses of personal preference and what we feel emotionally in conjunction with others. You don’t have to convince people of what you believe. And you can say things that you believe to be true but it doesn’t make them so or maybe it isn’t received that way to people. And many times we learn new things in the discussions “oh shit i didn’t see it that way” right? Discussing it is good but critique is not bullying, harrassment, or hate. Neither is fucking roasting shit because even this shit I like (manner of death lets say) deserves it. Art is meant to be critiqued and if you dont fucking like the bullshit people make then say it. They know stupid stories like this are scandalous and they don’t give a shit in how to present them. Usually the “opposition” in these situations aren’t the popular beliefs that permeate through society. Trust me lmao

Antiblackness

Antiblackness is a thing. It permeates everywhere. It permeates in this genre and it permeates in fandom. Get it the fuck together. Also do not conflate cultural relativism with being repsectful. They are not barbarians, they are smart human beings either making work or deciding to. We all have diff cultures but we have fucking sense in what is respectful and not. And if we don’t we fucking learn. You cannot excuse things and say “oh culture” when you have 0 idea of that culture or actual people who are radical etc and are fighting against it. Additionally the word westerner is an ignorant term when referring to people in the US or UK who are black. Because we are not. We extend sympathy to other groups and empathy since we know so there is no inherent power imbalance between a black viewer and their subject. Don’t suggest that because it’s wrong and ahistorical and contextless.

FIRST the fallacy of representation as freedom makes people fucking complacent, individualistic, and doesn’t let them think critically. Consumption and discourse around consumption is not helping material conditions of the marginalized communities in your home, the black ones who are ignored, those intersectionalized in these communities. Groups talk about art and what it means for them outside of just what we see and because we also don’t have access to a bunch of Thai reviews or what movements or going on we are less likely to know if we don’t FUCKING SEARCH for it. Because art is constant...which leads me to....

Representation is difficult. It matters and it doesn’t.

Tthese shows are not meant to overturn the LGBTQ+ community.

There are queer filmmakers and artists in these countries. Deep illustrious film careers or even TV that is moving and deliberate. We can even see it with the dude from “your name engraved” in their short series he was in beforehand. BL is no wa pejorative because it is simply not “qu**r” storytelling whatever that means. But know it has always existed everywhere and there are also out artists or radical artists in all these countries who do no respect mediums that are cash-grabs and poorly made.

ex: As much as “Like in the Movies” sort of isnt for me and is a bit hamfisted you can tell how much love goes into that. Love of the characters, acting, and message. Yes it’s cringey to see some of the lines (like very tbh subtlety wasnt exactly their strong suit) and yea naming them after lenin and marx is just 0ihgoaudgijposkagjihou BUT GUESS WHAT? THEY FUCKING DID IT. THEY TRIED. And class was a large component as well bc u cant fuckin ignore it. The show is aware of the machinations in its world as a show but also in the philippines and for a fuckin reason. And duatarte? Loooooooool so like yea not so sure bl makes him love his ppl but the show isnt trying to do that

It’s not a transgressive genre and it has no reason to be. No ethical anything under the way we live it’s just trying your fucking best to be. That’s it. They serve societal ills and capital’s purposes. Which is fine but it is not revolutionary.

These countries in SEA or even SA do not have as big budget for even mainstream dramas—though things are changing and that’s bc REVENUE like revenue from kpop is fucking huge for SK and again so much about that is bc of what happened in their history from japanese imperialism to WWII to the US—so for “queer” stuff it is sort of now important to make that an export and it sure is one. Not only globally or to the west but a lot of these places make their money within asia (duh!) outside of their countries. OBVIOUSLY. so BL is a way to output and gain money. The thing is, it doesnt seem to be put back into the industry at all. For people in all these countries to make works that aren’t for mainstream or wont reach as many people there’s a difference between trying and just shoving shit in your face and going here it’s gay you like it right? But dont antagonize the inherent patriarchal nature of BL.

Another thing: did you guys know thailand was never colonized? You should look it up. There’s little hints of things in ITSAY to represent french influence still. Isnt that fascinating? Find out why. It’s certainly interesting that the representation, though damaging and dubious many times and also incorrect like any media, is huge in asia and this isnt a commodity here (the US) exactly. A lot of that has to do with colonial ideas of gender of which I am sure. But listen………lmao

Sometimes people dont give a shit. And it very much shows. Here is the thing once again. GOOD TRANSGRESSIVE WORK exists.

Een within the capitalist Bs paradigm or you can see people trying (I can sort of applaud parts of lovely writer) also queer media has always existed everywhere the reason you don’t know about it is because it gets takena nd commodified into a mainstream product. We hvae little incentive, particularly if we are not fans of cinema or art in gen, to search fror others when the output is right here. Being dictated by others and the state and who will give you money. No longer an effort of a cast and crew who want to convey things. But google [any country] independent cinema, radical cinema, queer radical cinema, or even retrospectives on the cinema and rethinking what is queer and radical in film. What if we took that, diluted it, got rid of the creators who put themselves through all the work, ignroe al the nuances and do……………….two actors who are conventionally attractive with no chemistry making out.

It’s the same here lets say daniel kaluuya winning the oscar for the film about the BPP. I heard it was okay and not too offensive but it still isnt’ enough. It still isn’t like hwood isn’t trash, nnati black, misogynistic towards BW and women, and all that other shit. It was pushy but it can’t be enough where we are. Black KKKlansmen i think won an oscar, by circumstance i fuckin hate these award shows they mean nothing, and i like the film a lot but he has his misogynoir still resting in his films even if it is poignant. And it was a film that honestly wasn’t really made for black people. And should all art be a response to direct trauma or trying to make ourselves palatable when we’re just human?

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ and it’s importance (capitalism) but also sorta individual responsibility

Considering a lot of these actors are rich and then just dip that’s another problem. Mainstream isn’t what sustains marginalized art ever. It doesn’t change in the vast ways we think it does. What changes is the people of these groups pushing, fighting, forcing and then capitalism trying to make it work under capitalism. It will not. It cannot.

This is why artists and labels often don’t mix or you see people like Sonic Youth doing whatever they want and pissing off their label but making them give them money. Same with Nirvana. Vince Staples. The thing is they can fight and make good shit but what capitalism helps people….not care? They don’t respect the audience? We’re getting those returns on poor executed product placement, lighting, editing, framing, fucking acting. And you surewon’t see mixed black asians in these shows. WHY R U is the oNLY one i have seen it in and he just disappears (but that was pretty cool.) so who the fuck is this representing? And before you start: asian countries are not homogenous the way we believe them to be. There are marginalized communities outside of even mixed people that are harmed. So you can skrrt cause on that one: you’re wrong buddy. But it gives us the IDEA of a paradise which is what they NEED.With representation and visibility comes consequence and responsibility as artists. What it allows them to do is coast and not think complexly because why should they; it’s mostly the fantasies of some older woman who probably has money and much less interaction with the world. It’s bonkers. And what that allows even further is for them to say YOU ARE THE THING THAT YOU CONSUME and the THING THAT YOU CONSUME IS YOURS. It is not, it is not your identity, form a close bond but figure it the fuck out. Especially for adults who are hellbent on twisting their minds into pretzels and can’t acknowledge what’s just laziness in art and not giving a fucking shit. Truly.

There’s damage that has been done from Parasite as he was supported by CJE&M and the bullshit obsession america had and eveyrone’s poor interpretation of it if they are rich. BJH is a socialist and he is a filmmaker. He has made films that are outstanding and cost a lot of money. But now a fear for indie filmmakers is just not being able to raise that much or have that much attention. Getting funding that helps them instead of expecting the Next Big Thing that is a fad because capitalism is trash. Yes this funneling of money is absolutely harmful to us artists. Even buying in is strategic. Additionally, that film is probs one of the most radical films to have that wide release and accolade (unlike “Sorry to Bother You” which i have a lot of thoughts about. One being that asian exports are acceptable but black ones are not. This is an overall art critique and global media critique. Blackness is removed, not respected.) However, filmmaking isn’t green, it can’t be socialist, and it’s a lot of work. They used tons and tons and TONS of water to do a huge beautiful feat but we still know there is a cost. We have to figure that out because it shouldn’t be. It doesn’t go back into the crew’s pockets the way it should and the work becomes that of the director’s and actors solely. It’s fucking hard. We have to do our part but it doesn’t mean we are doing it perfectly. We just have to try to do better. So does BJH cos he needs to not be a misogynist but anyways i digress.

additionally and this is something some users fail to understand: people in the media sphere generally have fucking money. I went to film school that was international with super fucking rich kids. Taiwanese kids, kids from south asia, china, thailand. They had money. No not upper middle class money, not “rich” money, not some paltry 1m that’s chump change. Fucking money. Fucking RICH-RICH. MILLIONAIRES. BILLIONAIRES. WHICH IS DISGUSTING MIGHT I ADD. The domestic people didn’t have the money for school (in the UK) and i am in a massive amount of debt like every other black student that went there. You do not understand how much money is needed to survive so people who turn to these crew positions even casting etc need this fucking money usually. OKAY. A lot of the people that do well in these dumb shows or even on a larger scale HAVE MONEY. The reason these industries are small and struggling is because of lack of people and lack of resources to independent shit because oh gee it takes money to make things.

Why should I try? Well you don’t have to really if you have money or a name. Yet...

We can tell when like those Tik Tok shows or DCOMs dont give a shit (anymore.) You know how frustrated we get when content for young people is garbage? Well, see, BL is literally that under that system. Occasionally we will get something good now but there is virtually no need in any sector in the world at this point to truly figure out how to make it better and what to do to enhance artistic literacy, outreach, teaching people new things, getting people from these communities there and having true realistic says. Art and culture is IMPERATIVE TO WORLD LIBERATION but not when it is so stiffly trying to bend to capital’s idea of progressiveness. No. Neoliberalism. No.

That’s why in a way ITSAY is a huge feat; it takes from films etc and they clearly had money (the actors rae rich too which….lmaooooo j’aime pas) but it was a respected fucking script, acting was important, blocking, framing. There’s very little to critique as a visual medium for that because I understand what they are trying to do, their market is going to be mostly young girls, but they RESPECT THE FUCKING AUDIENCE. And guess what guys? You can make money from it!!!! WOAH! Since that may be the only goal which is disgusting and repulsive.

HOWEVER AND THIS IS WHAT IS SAD: itsay is an ex of a great show however knowing the actors backgrounds and the pseudo trouble it stirred when they weren’t supporting people protesting against the coup in the summer it really put a damper on my enjoyment. And this is how we can see that:

a) it’s honestly just a show and a good one but b) now what?

These kids (actors, who are like idk 19? 20?) are rich and not saying anything while countless actors, who were filming, did. Even tul who has $$$$ and the thing is the protesting against the coup legitimately attacks the rich. As it should. The protests going on were cries for help, against a dictatorship and fucking coup, asking people to get fucking help for covid, having kids be able to live. There’s a mini on VICE about this and it probably doesnt go too in depth but there’s a kid in there who talks about his friends getting into drugs and how he just wants to make music, have fun, skateboard. And it’s harrowing to see. This is a direct example of what these things do and don’t do. Yea we know a good show is here, we know growing up and slice of life, we know this is a bit of escapism and idealism but the idealism is reflected in the way these actors also choose to live their lives. So what progress? To who? For who? How is this helping me? What purpose does it serve? I say ITSAY serves its purpose as a piece and a glimpse into possibility of growing up but i do not say it antagonizes a broader issue that needs to be relevant in some sense but simply is not. It’s very singleminded and, well, it’s sort of like “besides my sexuality, what do i have to worry about?” But for real humans like....a lot. I do not respect their decision at all.

Why can’t we do our jobs and make something decent and respect our audience? No time, gotta make that sweet sweet sweet cash baybee. Look how progressive we are! Don’t look at history and material conditions. Thanks in advance, management.

History 4 does not have that respect. Many of these shows do not. Sometimes we hit good, sometimes we don’t. But in the end we cannot settle. And I won’t. If I am critiquing something I will not be shy and if I am meant to enjoy something as escapism then these shows NEED to highlight that and it’s rare sometimes (the best twins is a good reminder like that show is bad but man do i Brain Empty when i turn it on and i like that and there’s not much in it that makes me want to kill myself from annoyance but there are transphobic jokes i dont love however the whole show is a comedy about this dude’s crazy homophobic sister and she is constantly positioned as wrong and they talk about the aforementioned trans women as the actor was in drag. Interesting that they can manage that, huh?)

Oh btw.....taiwan has a very complicated history but ignore all the bad stuff it’s good now you can kinda sorta get married and stuff. KMT? You know how i learned that? I care about human beings and read about it lmao. I am not Taiwanese and look at that. So now I have historical and DIALECTICAL~**~*~****~*~*~ context so i can judge it as an artist, a black woman from america, and from the knowledge i have to pick up on their history to see if this fits into a broader picture besides the micro-one of sexuality on an individualized level. And this is kinda where it comes full circle: these shows are not you, you are not them, they do not exist in a vacuum because nothing does. The failure to critique now means continuing on as it has and it will still do so. History and time are not linear in the sense we think it is. Someitmes things are better, sometimes things feel more austere. We are not living under liberation though and these shows are not going to do so. So they are not US nor are they for a nebulous “us” of which the groups are all fractured and have diff opinions anyway (my opinion as a black american is going to vary from an asian woman’s say and that could really clash and i do not feel solidarity with all those in every community i am for several reasons.)

Final thots that have taken up my time and the only thing i actually wanted to write but got distracted:

Anyway my dissertation is that I ilke Muren and LiCheng a lot a lot and i like how cute they are and how truly dumb li cheng is. This is an example of mostly good writing, decent actors, nice chemistry, and sort of a calmness to them. And I super enjoy how Muren is pretty forward with LC in the sense that being together is like very important to truly be together. When he was like “no i didnt forget!” Or when LC asked him something in the office I forget it was 6 am and again i almost threw up and muren nodded and then LC leaned on him. Very cute. I want more of them tho i may have to skip that othre couple (the cameo the ones from MODC) but omfg the younger one HIS HAIR GREW SO MUCH HE LOOKS SO MATURE AND CUTE OMFGIJ0HUG9SAOGIJPKOAGJSIOHUAGIJP hahhaha the one good thing i will say about THEM.idk how old the actor is i figure he was young idk it makes me happy to see him he’s very cute. I hope he’s in something i can watch and not gag at. Is he hot? Who knows but he is a cutie!!

Anyway muren and lc have a good thing going it’s nice to watch ho\pe they dont fuck it up but im truly a sucker for some true finds 2 luvas i think some user on her\e was like i’m not a fan of friends ot lovers bc it doesn’t seem like they’re actually friends and maybe they were referring to this show idk. But it made me think and it was a very good observation. So i think they are friends and also luvrs <3

#history 4 #history 4: close to you #i told sunset about you #a thot #tharntype #lovely writer #bl fandom #idk #lol #long

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bungod-hearth · 4 years ago

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I adore your swap AU & had some questions if that is OK. 1: Did Luz have any trouble with Eda's parents in letting her move in? 2: Is she still friends & got a similar relationship to canon with Gus & Willow? 3: What's her Palisman, Owlbert or does she have an original? 4: does she have a portal to the human world or are both she & Belos looking for that? 5: Does she have any Glyph jewelry, or still utilize mostly paper & her staff? 6: Would she defeat then befriend those trying to arrest her XD

Hey there!! I'm glad you liked it so much you got curious and I'm more than happy to answer!💕💕

I'll put everything under the cut cause it's long as fuck sorry

1- that's something I'm actually working through! Since we still don't know basically anything about Eda's family and how they reacted after the curse (except for Lilith obviously), Eda kind of runs away from home after getting cursed, looking for this mysterious lonely witch who knows a different way to use magic, but I'm still not sure if she actually comes back home to tell her parents she has a mentor that could help her or if she leaves that duty to Lilith after assuring her she's gonna be okay with Luz (because Lilith will absolutely be the first to look for and also find Eda). I'm mostly imagining her parents as lively- cause both Eda and Lily have quite the temper even if Lily tries to hide it- but still somewhat attached to the rules and traditions given by the Emperor, and having your most talented child cursed in a way that hinders her magic in a world where magic is literally everything... yikes. But the idea of her finding someone who could actually help her even if not through a cure for the curse could be something easy to accept all things considered, despite living far from them. This part is still a work in progress, but maybe we'll get more info on the Clawthorne parents next season!

2- Willow and Gus are definitely still Luz best friends and they got to know each other in a very similar manner as in canon! Luz still found her way into Hexside when she got on the Boiling Isles and they all went to school together. Same goes for Amity, Bosha, Skaara, Viney etc..., but in particular the relationship with Amity takes longer to develop also cause I’m a sucker for slowburn

3- Owlbert is still Eda's palisman and she'll get him while under Luz's tutelage! Luz instead has her own staff, but I'm deciding on the palisman itself cause there's several options:

no Palisman, only magical staff that's a bit weaker than others due to that, because Luz still doesn't feel like she deserves it as a "real" witch/doesn't have such a connection with the Isles like others born there/didn't felt particularly drawn to any creature and decided to wait. But she gets her Palisman as well later, influenced by Eda: a snowy owl, an ashy-faced owl, or a burrowing owl. Snowy Owl -> mostly bc fitting Azura's white aesthetic Ashy Faced Owl -> I think the most well known owl species of the Dominican Republic, with its peculiar gray colored face Burrowing Owl -> have you seen these guys they're damn adorable and tinyyyyyy- (also another species found in the Dominican Republic actually)

A black cat Palisman, since they're the most common and stereotypical symbol for witches and it would totally be in character for Luz to go "uehuehe kitty". Also because of her hoodie if yall want to count that.

A black dog/hound, one of the goddess Hecate sacred animals, the one representing loyalty obviously and the emotive part of magic and energy. In general I think dogs fit Luz well tho.

Some... mystical or mythological creature of some kind? Cause Luz realizes she can go hogwild with her palisman and thus frees her imagination.

Otter. With a dark side ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

4- the portal to the human world got lost in some way after Luz arrived in the Boiling Isles! That's why she's stranded there and hasn't seen her mom in more than 25 years :) I don't have the details yet since, again, we have so little information on the portal itself! Why in canon Eda's the one who has it? Was it in her parents possession or she found it in the Night Market or something? Where does it come from originally?? Hell if we know. This obviously becomes a bit of a problem for my au cause it influences how Luz arrived in the Isles in the first place. Could it be a random human treasures smuggler who accidentally brought her there? Did the Emperor/Emperor's Coven had it and things got out of hand? Or maybe the Clawthorne, or even the Blight family, got it? The only thing I'm sure of is that yes, both Luz and Belos are actively looking for it, for different reasons of course, and that hypothetically in the au story it will jump up again, and there will be drama and angst.

5- Luz definitely upgraded her glyph craft!! She experimented and honed both glyphs and skills through the years, finding new glyphs, different combinations, variations and applications, and is now super prepared, enough to keep up with the Emperor's coven squads that try to capture her- and Amity. She kind of adapts to the situation so her equipment isn't every day 100% the same, but the casting methods are similar: carved jewelry and accessories, embroidered fabrics, runestones, she even made her own (mono use) stickers! Naturally, these objects aren't infinitely durable and using them consumes them physically and energetically, but depending on the material and size they vary in durability and power. Though, the trusted notepad and pencil are always there in some pocket, along with some already-drawn papers for emergencies. She also got a couple of tattoos that include glyphs, one of which is a light spell, obviously, but it's a more risky way of casting since it uses her own physical energy, so the glyphs themselves are small. Both Gus and Willow got one as well! and Amity too but it's technically a secret

6- oh you know she will lmao I mean, she's not Steven Universe, but she is observant and a good person, and understands that sometimes certain situations, events, upbringing and generally education cough Emperor propaganda cough bring people to do bad stuff. This won't stop her from smacking to the ground and eventually punch if she runs out of glyphs whoever tries to hurt her or her loved ones. If they show regret and/or understand what they're doing is wrong, changing their ways, she might concede her forgiveness, but otherwise they're gonna eat the dust. I think she knows every member of Amity's squad by name tho?? And she kinda has fun escaping law, so the fights can go like "Hey Steve, I heard you're a dad now! Congrats dude!! If you want I can make you explode a little so you can stay home and play with the baby beast!" or "Wait, you guys don't even have dental?? You should have told me, I would have aimed lower!"

With Amity is a whole other thing, the romantic tension between them is so thick the rest of the team feels like they're intruding something every time for f sake

Whew, I think I answered everything? Thank you for taking interest in this little thing of mine! I also have answered another couple of asks about the au before, you can to check out the toh swap au tag on my blog if you want!

#the owl house #asks #toh swap au #luz noceda #tumblingxelian #eda clawthorne

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thekidultlife · 4 years ago

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The Most Convenient Escape | Jihoon Soulmate!AU (4)

⍟ Pairing: Jihoon x fem!reader

⍟ AU: Fantasy/ Soulmate AU

⍟ Genre: ANGST, SLOW BURN, fluff

⍟ Warnings: ANGST. family trauma, slight self harming, mentions of drinking (this chapter is heavy. Please read at your own discretion!!!!)

⍟ Word Count: 4.1k

⍟ Synopsis: For all your life, you have a deep disdain towards Soulmate Bonds, so much so that you are able to write opinions about it in a local newspaper. However, as life would have it, you wake up one day bonded to a person you hardly knew. Throwing in an investigation, annoying roommates, and a revolution looming just beneath the surface, you had to seek for the most convenient escape.

⍟ A/N: I need to really double my warnings because some content written in this chapter might be triggering to some people. It’s a heavy chapter but I need to show why Y/N hates the Soulmate Bond so much. So please read it ONLY when you are 100% SURE that it’s okay for you to.

I also want to thank @oprandomfeels and @zuvaati for leaving those comments on the tags and everyone who reblogged and commented on this series because it really kept me going writing this chapter! You guys remind me that there are people out there who are looking forward for more of this series. I was in a huge slump recently that it’s been difficult for me to write anything at all, even though how much I actually enjoy writing this before. So I’m really really thankful for everyone!! I’m so glad a few of you liked this one! Alright, that’s all! Here’s chapter 4!

“And then what happened?”

It was, as always, a glorious day. The weather was warm despite the season, the breeze was cool to the skin and the perpetually blooming wisteria trees gave purple shade to anyone who would sit underneath.

With an intense headache that could only be remedied by a hangover potion you have discretely snatched from your father’s wares, you were once again seated next to two of your very best friends, who were more or less intrigued by what had transpired last night.

“Like I told you! Nothing happened!”

You exclaimed, now grumbling because it had shot another pang of dull pain to your temples.

“What do you mean nothing happened? He brought you to your room, plus you were drunk! Don’t tell me you didn’t at least kiss him?” Soonyoung objected, quite concerned about your unintentional celibacy.

“And why on earth would I kiss him?” You shouted back, scratching your head. “Just because he took me to my room, something is bound to happen?”

“The situation couldn’t be anymore suggestive than that, you know?” Wonwoo quietly added, twirling a pen on his fingers. “You can’t blame us for expecting something.”

Groaning at this, you took another dose of the disgusting potion on your hands. It tasted like fish left for days out in the open, and weirdly, of cinnamon. While you were trying to quell your headache, another comes in.

“Could we just put a stop to this?” You asked as you pinched the bridge of your nose. “I don’t know why you both are so curious about my night, but don’t we have more pressing matters to attend to?”

On your words, both Soonyoung and Wonwoo turned their gazes to somewhere else; anything else other than you.

“Oh Wonwoo, don’t you think the weather is so nice today?”

“This tea sure is delicious. Where did you buy this, Soonyoung?”

You could feel a vein in your head tick in irritation.

“Surely, you both don’t mean that my sacrifice to attend that stupid ball, to spend a night with Lee Jihoon...all of it,” you began as the two of them gulped at the dangerous intent you were emitting. “Was it all completely useless?!”

Hurriedly, Wonwoo held a hand at you. “Alright, alright! Calm down! Let me explain.”

You narrowed your eyes at him; your arms crossed. “Do, pray tell.”

“Look,” Wonwoo sighed as he glanced at Soonyoung who was being a bit sulky. “The meeting was cancelled. Someone had probably tipped them off, we don’t know. It was a good idea that we didn’t go inside the room, or else they would’ve known we’re on to them.”

Your scrutinizing gaze suddenly transformed into something tinged with concern. Sighing, you exchanged looks with them.

“Are you sure no one that night has realized who you two are?”

Wonwoo nodded gravely. Soonyoung followed suit. “Absolutely.”

“That’s good, but we should be more careful from now on. We don’t know who to trust and anyone could put the two of you in difficult situations,” you warned in a hushed voice. “You could’ve walked out of the Crystal Palace as criminals framed for sex trafficking.”

Soonyoung suddenly realized the gravity of their actions and frowned. Wonwoo was no different, but a lot calmer than his friend.

“We’ll proceed with caution from here on out. Yet there is absolutely no way I will walk out from this investigation,” Wonwoo declared, his eyes determined.

“I second. We will get to the bottom of this,” the other male added, glancing at you and Wonwoo.

You nodded at them and smiled softly, understanding their convictions. “We're in this together.”

There was no way of knowing what the next few months would look like for the three of you and your small publication, yet you have to push on; you have to gamble your own safety for the truth. It was frightening of course, but the fear was not enough to quench the fire within you.

“But the matter still stands,” Wonwoo interrupted your thoughts, taking a sip of his tea. “You really should have kissed Lee Jihoon.”

◇

The man in question pushed through the French doors leading to an expansive rose garden.

The cultured autumn roses were in full bloom in late September as its scent wafts through the air, creating a romantic feel throughout the area. Devoid of any tall trees, one could easily see the breadth of the garden as it extends to the forest of oak at the far end of the estate. The beauty of the garden was stupendous yet not surprising as the owner of such place was a high-ranking noble of ancient pedigree. A blue grey pavilion lay at the center where Lee Jihoon easily spotted the people he was about to meet.

Fresh from a hearing, Jihoon still had his uniform on, just minus the heavy robes he was required to wear in Parliament. Every third week of the month or so, a meeting is usually scheduled between his longtime friends. Just to check up on each other of course, or often times, something more.

Marching towards the pavilion in undeterred steps, Jihoon was greeted by a warm call and the scent of brewed coffee.

“Aren’t you running a bit late, Jihoon?” An older male asked, his military uniform easily indicating that he was a five-star general, and someone no one wanted to mess with.

“I apologize, Seungcheol. The hearing went on more than I thought it would,” he replied, finally taking a seat on one plush cherry wood arm chair with an exhausted huff.

“Coffee or tea?” Another asked, his lips curving into a small smile as he offered Jihoon the refreshments on the table.

“Coffee, please. And make it black. I need something to liven my spirits up,” he replied as the other poured him one on a dainty cup commonly intended for tea.

The man named Seungcheol simply chuckled at his friend. “Oh? Is something the matter? You look like you haven’t had a good day lately. Don’t you think so, Joshua?”

“He certainly needs coffee, in my opinion.”

“Oh, don’t you know it,” Jihoon dismissed as he slumped on the chair, covering his tired eyes with an arm.

“I suppose the recently discovered Cilvekan agents aren’t making anything easier,” the man named Joshua added as he placed the cup of coffee in front of Jihoon who had eagerly sipped on it at once.

“It is making things a lot worse. It’s the reason why the hearing for today had become so long-winded,” Jihoon sighed, placing down the cup. “There are some who just can’t decide what to do with them.”

“To be perfectly honest, it would’ve been more useful if they were interned to the military intelligence department. We could’ve used them to double cross,” Seungcheol added, leaning back against his chair. “Now that they have been publicized and a hearing is in full swing, they’re practically useless.”

Joshua simply tutted at Seungcheol, knowing full well that he was part of the military and thus biased on his views.

“Nonetheless, it is best advised that we steer clear from such strategies. Espionage during times of relative peace is questionable in varying degrees. It could lead us to a war we never wanted. Notwithstanding the fact that it is me who would have to clean this up if something happens,” he took a sip from his coffee cup. “I reckon we double, even triple our counterintelligence measures against agents here in Porta Persa. We clearly have no idea who we are to trust these days.”

Jihoon listened to Joshua’s suggestion, understanding what the Minister of Foreign Affairs meant.

“I’m still undecided on my opinion but I’m leaning on Joshua on this matter. A war with Cilveka is totally uncalled for when there’s one looming just underneath our fingertips,” Jihoon remarked, crossing his arms with a serious expression on his delicate features.

Seungcheol took a sip from his cup gravely. “I suppose it is inevitable of a future. Considering that we ourselves are partially responsible for not taking action.”

Jihoon and Joshua glanced at Seungcheol with grim look. They knew.

“As Jeonghan isn't here, I might as well ask if you're to release more material for him to use, Jihoon,” Joshua remarked suddenly as the other simply heaved a sigh, brushing his dark hair with his fingers.

Jihoon once again sighed, another burden heavy on his shoulders.

"I don't think I can do it any longer," Jihoon said. "The deeper my bond with her gets, the more I'm convinced that the songs I write is all propaganda. It weighs on me."

The two men furrowed their brows at him, wondering what he was talking about.

"Her?"

"Propaganda?"

"You know," Jihoon replied, doing gestures with his hands since he found it difficult to articulate what he was trying to say.

For a while, Seungcheol and Joshua simply glanced at Jihoon with bewilderment. He wasn't exactly making sense with how he was just making shapes with his hands. That is until the general remembered their past conversation from last month.

“Ah, this is about your soulmate, isn’t it?”

“Did something happen between the two of you?” Joshua asked with curious eyes.

"No, I just…" he groaned again, "How do I say this? It's all… it's all so confusing! She's confusing me!"

"Why is that? Isn't a soulmate bond supposed to prevent confusion between parties?" Joshua asked.

"You do know our bond is different…" Jihoon remarked, and taking note of his friends' expressions, he took it upon himself to explain. "Like I told you before, she hates our bond, she hates our connection. She tried to with tamper it so I couldn't get through, but that simply made the bond unstable. Now, whether she likes it or not, her thoughts are constantly on my mind like a thick fog of ideas. It's virtually impossible not to be influenced by them."

“Have some more coffee, Jihoon. You need it,” Joshua offered as he poured into Jihoon’s cup.

“Thank you,” the other casually took it, and continued. "Her thoughts become mine. Her passions make me doubt my own actions which I never had to before. It's…she's changing me, and I don't know if I like it or not."

The two men were quiet, Seungcheol more so because of his own soulmate bond.

“Honestly, I’m so confused,” Jihoon confessed. “I don’t know what to do. I can't even tell her any of this.”

"Yours is a special case Jihoon," the general began as he thumbed on the ring on his left hand. "I won't pretend I understand everything about what you're going through, but all I can say is that these soulmate bonds are meant to change you. You can't be mere individuals anymore, living different lives on this earth. You have been bonded by magic and by the Universe; both your minds and hearts have become one single unit. If she has influenced you, it would be the same for her. If you are confused, she is too. And that's natural because both of you are transforming into beings that will eventually live your lives together and form a healthy family."

"I don't know Seungcheol. I want my freedom in my thoughts and in my actions. Everything I've known is turned upside down and it's making me uncomfortable."

"She must be feeling the same way too. Didn't you say she hated the bond itself? She must have hated how someone else's thoughts are entering her mind as much as you do," Joshua interrupted, his voice calming and sweet on Jihoon's nerves. "Look, Jihoon. You're a strong person. You're someone who's intelligent, hardworking and efficient in everything you do. You can do everything by yourself. But that is also your greatest weakness. You're too comfortable on your own. You're afraid to let anyone else in because it could ruin the balance you've maintained in your life. I admit that soulmate bonds are frightening in its own way, but it's there in order for us to grow."

"But I've got you, my friends and my family to share my burdens. Isn't that what I'm doing right now?" He asked, now a bit frustrated.

"But you hold us at a distance. You've never been able to truly share that side of yours that is raw and vulnerable. You know you can't stay like this forever," Seungcheol continued, parrying Jihoon's argument.

Jihoon sat himself straight in a huff, unable to reply because he knew Seungcheol had hit the target directly. He is afraid, yet he refuses to admit it. He thought that having a bond would make things easier for him, but everything proved to be much more than he can swallow.

For a moment, Jihoon sat there in silence as he took a sip of lukewarm coffee from his cup, yet his feelings of tension refuse to calm down, the hairs on his back standing in aggression. It was unusual since he was no longer conversing with Seungcheol and Joshua, and tried to dive deeper into the feeling.

In an instant, he knew it wasn't his.

A pang of pain flashed inside his chest, making him clutch on it with a tight grip. The cup he was holding fell to the ground into pieces, as Seungcheol immediately raced to his side.

"Jihoon! Is something wrong?" He exclaimed, watching the other groan in pain and then turned to Joshua. "We have to take him to hospital!"

"I'll prepare the carriage!"

"No!" Jihoon suddenly shouted, his breaths turning shallow. "No…no….I need to go back to the dorm. I need to find her."

◇

Exhausting your supply of hangover potions, you went back to your house in town to steal from your father's wares. You never really had a problem with brewing potions, proving that you had an affinity to the craft which could've been passed down to you from your father but come heaven and hell, you will never admit that.

With a small wooden box attached with a leather strap that hangs from your shoulders, you sneaked into the empty house and to your father's now closed shop. Much to your surprise though, the lights were on and heavy crates tower beside the ingredients cabinet.

"Oh, you're here."

A familiar voice greeted you from the office, making you turn around swiftly.

"Father…" you replied, your face marred with sharp eyes and a deep frown.

"Are you staying at the Royal Academy now?" He asked, stepping out from the shadows and into the light pouring from the glass windows of the shop. He was much tanner and thinner, a clue that he has been to the tropics for some time.

"Yes. I'll be taking some potions and some stuff with me. I'll be gone as soon as I can," you told him with a cold voice as you filled your box haphazardly with numerous ingredients in a way that they almost slipped out of the container.

“How is Soonyoung and Wonwoo?”

You curtly replied. “They’re good. Still the same.”

“Are you eating well? Are the dorms good enough for you?”

“They’re fine. I’m living comfortably.”

“Have you met any new friends?”

“I’ve met a few people.”

“Who are they and where are they from?”

You huffed, annoyed and impatient that this conversation was still ongoing. “I can send you a list later if that makes you happy.”

“Don’t join those sororities or fraternities, do you understand? They’re dens of insurgents.”

You chose not to reply, his subjects gradually turning sour in your opinion. Talking to him always felt like talking to a machine.

If there was any way much faster than the rate you're going right now, you would've done it. You wanted to leave as soon as possible with just a few words and greetings exchanged. Heart thumping with adrenaline, you were fueled by the darkness inside of you, yet you kept it concealed before things could get ugly.

"I heard from Mr. Kwon that you're still running around with that little tabloid of yours," your father began and you knew instantly where it would lead to, "You better stop this childish play and find something meaningful thing to do."

If there was anything stopping you before, it was long gone now.

"It's not childish play!" You screamed, ignoring the fact that Alizarin berries had scattered on the floor. "You don't understand how much this means to me! You never even tried to understand me! So don't try and pretend you know what's good for me when you don't know who I am!"

Your blood was pumping wildly in your veins, your fists tightly clenched. Anger that has long been restrained now broken free and flowing rapidly in your blood. But you knew this was exhausting, so you tried to slip away as fast as you could.

"Have you forgotten how much I sacrificed for you, you ungrateful child? How much I worked so hard so you would be able to live comfortably?" He retorted back, watching your once retreating figure stop from reaching out for the door.

"I never wanted any of those! I never begged you for luxuries! We could be hungry and homeless right now, I don't care! I know we could crawl out of that eventually!" You shouted, your shaking back was the only thing he could see, until you turned to him, your cheeks wet with tears. "I only want one thing, Dad! Just one thing! I wanted you to stay with me… For you to show me that I still had a father even after mom died. Yet you couldn't give it to me."

"No, you listen to me. I had to leave for you to have food to eat! I had to work hard for you! Don't you know how much I love you? How much I did for you? I don't think you understand that because you keep on running around with that silly paper pretending you know everything about the world."

It was always like this. You already knew. Arguing with someone like him, you felt, was like talking to a wall. He was in a different page and refuses to see your own. The real child here, you begin to question who it really was.

Yet you kept going, the fury in you refusing to subside.

"Do you ever listen to anything I say?Yes! Just neglect your own daughter and give her all the money in the world and expect her to be grateful! Yes! That's what a good parent is! If mother was still alive, she would've loved me more than all the food you could ever give me! You would never know how much strength I needed to have when you left me here all alone!"

Your jaw was rigid with sorrow rage, teeth gritting. Yet, much to your surprise, all he did was laugh at you mockingly.

"Isn't that great? You being so strong after all!"

It hurt you, more than anything. The look on your father's face, the dismissal, the invalidation of all your emotional needs, your need for his love and compassion, you never thought a parent was capable of doing that to a child.

More tears stream down your face as you were shaken into silence. The pain in your chest unbearable, your breath turning into laboured heaves. It had hurt. It hurts so much. It wasn't really the words themselves, but the intention to mock, to belittle; that was the one that struck you to your core.

"I hate you…" you muttered in a low voice, shaking and begging to be understood. "I hate you so much! I needed your love back then! I needed unconditional love! Yet where were you? Where were you, huh? Soonyoung and Wonwoo are much my brothers more than you are my father! They were there for me come hell and high water!"

You took a breath and continued, your voice rising.

"But it's too late now. You can no longer take back the words you've said. No matter how much you tell me you love me, I would never believe you! You never loved me! Or mom! Or anyone! You only loved yourself and your money!"

Turning around you reached for the door, not even listening to his outraged tantrums behind you. Your own anger too loud in your ears.

"Since you care about gratitude so much," your voice was still hoarse yet resolute, as you were halfway out of the door. "I'll give you two carriages full of gold within five years from the profits we gained from that silly newspaper. That's for everything you bought and did for me since I was born. Think of it as severance pay. You lost me. Goodbye."

Leaving those scathing words behind, you ran as fast as you could. Faster and faster than the wind could ever take you. Your tears were streaming down your face, the wooden box slinging carelessly as it bounced against your hip, yet you continued running down the cobbled road to a destination no one really knows.

All you could hear was your heartbeat slamming against your chest, the muffled cries you attempt to quiet down, the sound of your heel clicking on stone. Running away felt liberating as the wind slapped harshly on your cheeks. Yet your heart was in so much pain that you forget everything else.

Reaching the Royal Academy dorms, you forcibly opened the door to your shared room as you immediately raced towards your own room; afraid to encounter someone you didn't really want to see.

Yet of course, he was there. Lee Jihoon was there.

Waiting at the common living room, he rose at your presence, his expression tinged with great worry at your state of ruin. He ran up to you, trying to make you stop moving away.

"Y/N! What's the matter? Why are you crying?"

His question however were brought to deaf ears as you pushed him away, shaking your head at his close proximity. You didn't want to see him. His presence simply amplified the pain you were feeling.

"Leave me be, Jihoon!" You screamed, pushing him further from your doorway. "I don't want to see you! You're the last person I want to be comforted by!"

You slammed the door, the desolate sound reverberating across the expansive room as you sat there on the floor, still crying.

You were tired, exhausted. Legs that were trembling with fatigue, lungs that were almost bursting at the seams. Your heart was aching with so much pain and heaviness.

I will no longer believe in anything. Love is temporary. Love will eventually fade away. Soulmate bonds are stupid and fake. It's stupid. Stupid. Stupid. This is stupid.

You choke out a cry.

Gathering all the strength left in your body, you crawled to your bedside and pulled out a huge and heavy trunk from underneath. As you unlocked it with not much gentleness than trying to break it, you were greeted by various bottles of potions.

If soulmate bonds could really bring happiness, then why is it that I'm in so much pain? Why did mom die then?

Eyes spying on the clear glass bottles, it didn't take much time for you to decided what to do.

If this is what love is, then I don't need it. If I'm just going to suffer, then I don't want it. I'm fine on my own. I don't need stupid soulmates to make me happy.

Picking up a familiar bottle, you harshly pulled out the stopper and swallowed everything in one gulp. Instantly, you felt the effects moving under your skin, making you shiver, yet it didn't matter, the pain in your heart was far more painful than anything you’ve feeling right now. The magic wrapped itself around your wrist, tighter and tighter like a vice suffocating the bond.

From now on, I'm living for myself, by myself. I don't need love from anyone. I won't beg for love from anyone. No one could ever give it to me but myself.

Another set of sobs spilled itself from your lips as you clung tightly on anything you could get your hands on. They continued gushing like an uncontrollable waterfall, as your heart rejects the words your head was conditioning you to feel. You knew you wanted love more than anything, but that would only make you weak. And weakness is the last thing you needed right now.

I need to erase every last bit.

Pulling the glove which was hiding your bond mark, you gazed at it with extreme disgust on your face. The thick horizontal bars only reminded you of your father's mocking laugh.

I hate this. I hate this.

You rubbed on the black lines with your thumb, hoping that it would lighten the color. But of course, it didn't, so you continued to rub it off. Again and again, and again until your thumb was warm and your wrist an inflamed red.

Disgusting. This disgusting thing! I wish you never came into my life!

In desperation, you scratched it with your sharp nails, teeth clenched. It was ugly. It felt like chains binding you to a future you never believed in. Straight bruises of scratch marks mar your skin, yet it didn't matter to you. The pain was dull and empty compared to the weight on your chest.

Stupid. Disgusting. Ugly. I hate this bond. I hate this so much!

"I'm so tired…" you muttered to yourself, burying your face on the soft mattress.

"Why can't I just be happy?"

-Hyeri

#seventeen #svtcreations #seventeen fluff #seventeen angst #seventeen imagines #seventeen scenarios #seventeen woozi #lee jihoon #the most convenient escape

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obsidianfr3sk · 4 years ago

Text

Rise of the Renegades (Chapter 8)

Summary: Heroes come from the most unexpected places. Heroes sometimes feel a little too different, a little too scared, a little too alone. But heroes also know when enough is enough, and that before saving the world, they need to save themselves. And they cannot do it alone.

They were going to be the hope of the world. They were going to call themselves the Renegades. Even if they didn’t know it yet.

AO3 Link

Hi!! I honestly didn’t expected to update today, but here we are:’) I hope you enjoy this chapter!! If someone wants to be added or remove from the tag list, tell me haha.

Tag list: @nodrianbcyes @dawniebb @healing-winston-pratt @cerenoya @ marissagustrerbenson

Getting cold hands?

Now I understand what you tried to say to me,

and how you suffered for your sanity,

and how you tried to set them free.

They would not listen, they did not know how;

perhaps they'll listen now.

Simon

“YOU DID WHAT?”

Hugh put his hand over his mouth to shut him up and Simon felt his cheeks turn red when he realized a couple of older boys had turned to see why the hell he was yelling. Their faces contorted in disgust and continued with their chat.

Because prodigies were disgusting.

He immediately regretted his decision to come back to school.

Hugh removed his hand from his mouth. “Don't be mad at me,” he whispered.

“I'm not mad at you,” he replied in a lower voice, “it's just that I'm surprised you did something so impulsive and so, so… so stupid.”

Hugh bit his lip but couldn't hide his laugh. “Wow, Simon, watch your language.”

He kicked him to silence him. “I am serious,” he replied. “You gave my address to a complete stranger—"

“Georgia.”

“—To make a plan for which we have no ideas—"

“I do have many ideas.”

“—and who will bring a friend we don't know.”

Simon went silent, waiting for Hugh to answer with the friend's name. But he did not.

That only further proved his point. “From the beginning, your plan was very wrong.”

And I should have been there to warn you.

“No, my plan was golden from the beginning,” Hugh argued, “because Georgia is not a stranger. I met her at Joe’s Basket and she turned out to be a really nice girl. She likes mystery novels, wears white pajamas to sleep, and can fly. I consider that a very specific profile.”

“I consider her a stranger. You don’t even know her last name.”

“Rawles.”

“Does she has a middle name?”

Hugh ignored him completely. “If you just had heard her speak, Simon. She was absolutely right about everything,” he continued. “Georgia is a good person. She returned my notebook even though she didn't have to. And look what she did.”

Discreetly, he took a sheet of paper out of his back pocket. It was the drawing he had been working on a couple of days ago. Propaganda. “She repaired my drawing with washi-tape. It’s… kind of pretty, isn’t it?”

It was the most adorable washi-tape Simon had ever seen. “Too girly,” he growled.

“Girly? The— the washi-tape?”

“Yes,” Simon answered. “It’s too girly. I don’t like it.”

“Oh, no, I don’t like it either,” Hugh answered. “I just thought the contrast was… funny.”

Simon said nothing more. Hugh put the drawing back before anyone else saw it. “Look, that’s what would make us a great team. We all have different strengths. And also… she’s a girl. An older girl. And she likes Wonder Man.”

Simon decided to draw the line there. To hell with her pretty washi-tape. “Why does it matter she’s an older girl who likes Wonder Man? I like Wonder Man too.”

Hugh adjusted his glasses, confused. “But… you don’t like it,” he reminded him. “You say Wonder Man is an idiot.”

I do say that.

“What I mean is,” he said evasively, “like ... I mean, what does strengths does she has? Because being a girl is not one of them.”

“Her vision,” she replied. “She has a way of seeing things that are surely different from ours. Not just because she's a girl, but also because I bet she has experienced the world in a way we haven't and has more experience with certain things that could help us. How many times have we talked to someone who isn’t part of the school?”

Simon rolled his eyes. “We don't talk to anyone at school,” he muttered.

They hate us. They really hate us.

Or do they fear us?

Is there a difference?

“Well, when have we talked to someone... other than the two of us? Or your dad, or your sister—” and he smiled playfully “—or my aunt.”

He immediately realized he was trying to make him laugh. But at that point in the conversation, Simon was fed up with the entire female gender and he wasn’t even willing to smile at him.

Hugh hugged himself. For some reason, he was not wearing a jacket that day... “Where’s your jacket?” he asked in a soft voice.

“I gave it to Georgia,” he replied. “The one she had didn't protect her from the cold.”

Then Simon remembered that they were arguing and that Hugh was an idiot who gave his address to strangers and did not deserve his compassion. “Well, it's her fault. Why does she wear a jacket that looks cools but doesn't protect you from the cold?”

“Maybe she’s… passionate about fashion?” he said, half-joking.

Simon didn't find it funny. “Maybe she puts fashion above basic needs.”

Hugh realized that it was useless to keep trying to make him laugh. He put his hands in his pants pockets. “Simon…” He glanced at him. “You... that someone you mentioned last time—“

“What’s with that someone?” he asked sharply.

“That someone still wants me to believe in him, right?”

At that moment, Simon realized that throughout the entire conversation, he had had his arms crossed as if he were throwing a tantrum.

Stars. How childish Simon looked. And how worried Hugh looked.

The last thing he wanted to do was worry him.

Simon wasn't even quite sure why he was reacting like that. Like, of course, he had been annoyed that Hugh had made a move without first consulting him, especially one involving his home.

However, it didn't take long for him to realize that that other emotion he felt, in addition to the obvious annoyance, was fear. Fear that he was going to leave him for that new friend he had made. Which he knew didn't make sense because Hugh wasn't the one who abandoned others.

That one was Simon. Simon had abandoned him the other day.

Simon was the bad person here.

He leaned against the wall. “Yes...” he acknowledged. “That someone still needs you to believe in him.”

Because that someone needs you maybe a little too much.

Hugh seemed suddenly calmer. “Good,” he sighed. “I was starting to get a little worried.”

“Sorry.”

“You don't need to apologize.”

“Sorry,” he repeated.

“Simon, stop.”

But he couldn't. “Sorry.”

Hugh just laughed and leaned against the wall too. “Well, you know, since we're on the apology thing… I'm sorry I didn't consult you before giving the address to someone who is a stranger. For you,” he added quickly. Simon kicked him. I told you that she is a stranger. “It's just that… I got excited. I have never met someone like Georgia.”

Simon nodded and felt a lump in his throat. He knew what Hugh was talking about.

He had never met someone who believed in themselves because the only person Hugh hung out with was Simon, and Simon…

Simon didn't believe in anything. Not even himself.

“Are you sure we can trust her?” he asked in a small voice.

“She promised me he would be there,” he replied. “And I had to promise her that I would be there too. Simon… can you promise me that too?”

Simon scoffed. “You will be at my house.”

“You know what I mean—“ he tapped his hand with two fingers. “Can you promise me you'll be there?” he repeated.

Simon ignored the feelings that light touch gave him.

He had always been good at ignoring.

So he nodded.

The bell rang and the few students in the courtyard began to enter. Hugh chattered his teeth and hugged himself again.

“You are cold, right?” Simon asked him.

Simon didn't want to go to class yet. He wished he could stay out a while longer. Simon loved cold days because he could put on a lot of layers of clothing and people saw less of him.

But the truth was that he didn't want to go to class yet because he wanted to stay talking with his friend a bit longer.

Even if he made him angry.

“I’m freezing,” he answered. “Look, feel my hands.”

He put a hand on his cheek. Simon could feel his face turning all red again.

Ignore it, ignore it.

“Yes. They’re cold,” he answered.

“Told you. Cold can’t kill me, but is surely a pain in the ass.”

Simon gave him a lopsided smile, trying not to look like he was doing his best not to imagine… that.

Don’t think about his ass.

In a desperate attempt to distract his mind, he searched his pockets for the gloves his father told him last night to wear when leaving the house. He stood up and handed them to Hugh. “Put them on. I don't like wearing gloves anyway.”

They headed for the school entrance while Hugh struggled to put them on. They were a little too small for him, but if he didn't move his hands a lot they would surely cover them well. “Thank you,” he mumbled with a smile.

Simon shrugged. It was the least he could do.

The rest of the day, he was the one whose hands were freezing because his school had no heating since always. Yet the thought that Hugh was wearing them and that his hands were warm made him better able to ignore the cold.

That and the fact his cheeks were still red.

I'm not abandoning you again, Hugh.

I’d rather be dead.

Georgia

When she arrived, she did not make her classic introduction. She didn't say "Honey, I'm home!" nor did she hold Molly in her arms and ask her how school went. She only greeted Tamaya, gave her the bag with the few provisions that she could offer her, and dropped onto her mattress.

It was more comfortable than one would expect to. She didn't understand why Tamaya said it was uncomfortable.

Tamaya didn't seem to notice that change. And if she did, she said nothing. Georgia would dare to say that she was just as quiet as her.

She lay down beside Georgia. They were shoulder to shoulder, staring at the old roof of the abandoned store. Tamaya fiddled with her broken locket.

“Who goes first?” Georgia asked leaning on her shoulder.

“Huh?”

“Who tells her problem first,” she clarified.

“Oh.” Tamaya dropped her locket. “You. You go first.”

Georgia wanted to refuse. She knew that if she started talking, there would probably be no one able to stop her. And it was already difficult to get Tamaya to open up…

But she had to tell someone. She couldn't hold that secret inside her for another second.

She turned to see her. “I met someone.”

Tamaya did the same. “Someone?”

“A boy.”

“A boy,” she repeated. Sharply.

“Not like that,” she clarified quickly. “He's a literal boy. So yeah. It would be kinda gross, to be honest.”

Tamaya relaxed her expression. Only a little. “What did he do to you?” she asked.

“Stars, Tamaya,” Georgia laughed. “He did nothing to me. But he gave me this.”

She reached into the pocket of her jeans. Georgia hated wearing jeans because her legs were too wide and she could never find jeans that actually fit her. However, that day all her skirts were too dirty to wear. And she also had to keep that paper in a safe place.

They both straightened up as Georgia unfolded the paper with her fingers.

It's made of glass, Georgia. Like your hopes. Like the future of the world.

Be very careful.

She opened it without breaking it and passed it to Tamaya.

To a very confused Tamaya.

It's made of glass, Tam. Please don't break it.

“Is this his address?” she asked, confused.

“No, it's his friend's address.”

Tamaya crumpled the piece of paper rolling her eyes. “What the hell do you want to tell me, Georgia?”

“Be careful!” she screeched, snatching it away.

She put it on her leg and began to try to flatten it with all the strength of her hand. Luckily she had rescued it in time...

It’s made of glass! It’s made of glass!

Tamaya hid between her wings. Immediately, Georgia could recognize what he was trying to tell her by that.

She was afraid. Altered. She didn't like being yelled at.

And Georgia knew it. “Sorry...” she mumbled.

Tamaya nodded.

Why did she have to be so loud?

“Tamaya... who are you?” she asked.

Tamaya rolled her eyes. “I think you just answered your own question,” she mumbled, annoyed.

“No, I mean ... what are we?” she asked. “Look where we are—” she pointed around her “—look where we ended up.”

“I don't know if it's time for you to make me feel bad about where I live.”

“No! It's not that, Tamaya, it's just that…”

And she stopped.

“Is it just what?”

The same question was in her head.

What's your excuse now, Georgia?

She fought the urge to cry that suddenly washed over her. “It's just that I haven't stopped wondering if we've been on the right side of history,” she replied, standing up. “And it's something that I hadn't really asked myself until yesterday, you know? Until they gave me this address.”

Tamaya's shoulders hunched more. She was still hidden behind its wings.

Jeez, Georgia, can't you lower your voice a bit?

Georgia knelt beside her friend and put a hand on her shoulder. She did not reject her or bite her. Good. “Tamaya, what are we?” she insisted. “Are we women?”

“Well... yes,” she replied with a frown. “Or at least you are.”

“No, Tamaya, I am not a woman. I'm a girl,” Georgia said. “I am a girl who continues to live in the fantasy world that she designed to survive all the trauma she went through. It doesn't matter I have grown physically, on the inside… on the inside all I have done is hide my head between my books and my dolls and your friendship, because I am too much of a coward to do anything for the outside world.”

She covered her mouth with her hands as she turned her back to her. Don't cry, don't you dare cry.

Georgia did not cry.

Tamaya stood up. “Are you... are you okay?”

“Yes,” she replied with a sigh. “All good. You? Are you okay? Do you forgive me for yelling at you?”

She did not reply. For a second, Georgia thought she was going to hug her. How childish of her to think that. Tamaya never hugged people. She didn't know how to do it.

So Georgia hugged herself.

She always hugged herself. There was no one left to do it.

“I still do not understand—”

“These kids—” she showed her the slip of paper “—these kids are not cowards. And they are children. How are they braver than us? What has happened in their lives that have made them so brave?”

Tamaya pushed her fist away from her face. Georgia had accidentally put the paper on her to just below his nose.

She looked into Tamaya's eyes and realized that many things had happened to her in her life that had made her brave. Because yes, Tamaya was brave for the sole fact of her existence.

Tamaya was born with wings, which although Georgia found them wonderful, for her they were the constant reminder of everything that was “wrong” with her. Her parents despised her, she lived locked in a cage, like...

Like a bird.

But Tamaya was not a bird. Or a monster, as she called herself. She was none of those things. She was a woman.

And a brave one. Georgia wished she could see herself the way she saw her.

No, there was nothing wrong with Tamaya. Who was wrong was the rest of the world.

And that world was so different from the one Georgia had created when she was little. One that writhed in pain and hurt whoever dared to help it. Georgia was so scared of pain.

But she was more afraid of continuing being the coward in the story.

Coward. Coward. Coward.

Last night, intoxicated by the smell of vanilla and the taste of freedom, it had seemed easy. As if giving the notebook back to a child was going to make the difference the world needed at that moment.

However, as the effects of adrenaline left her body and Hugh began to speak more and more, she realized that things were more complicated than she had initially imagined. That a simple act of kindness was not going to take away the suffering from the world in which she lived. She wished it did though. I want to help you, but I'm not sure how.

Was she going to have to take the pain for the world?

Coward. Coward. Coward.

She turned to see her friend again. “Tamaya, I want to stop being a girl,” she whispered, taking her by the shoulders. “I want to stop being a coward that hides in her own imaginary world.”

Tamaya grabbed her wrists. “And what do you want to be then?”

“I want to be a woman,” she replied. “One that goes out into the real world and does something to save it.”

She nodded. Georgia decided to venture out to ask her a new question. “What do you want to be, Tamaya?”

Tamaya held on tighter to her.

Although she wasn't hurting her Georgia wondered if she was holding her tighter so she wouldn't hurt herself. “I just know I want to stop being a monster, Georgia.”

Georgia wrapped her in a hug. Tamaya reciprocated by surrounding her with her wings.

Yes. This is better than a hug.

Then a putrid smell suddenly hit her. She discreetly sniffed Tamaya's body. It wasn't her.

Good. She wasn't quite sure where she could have found a soap that could remove that.

"What’s that smell?" she asked.

There was a foam plate right behind her friend. Georgia broke away from the hug and took the foam plate in her hands. She opened it, and the retching she felt was enough to make her realize that it had been a horrible decision.

The smell was of rotten fried rice. “Tamaya!” she screamed “Why do you have this here? It's disgusting.”

Tamaya came up behind her and closed the foam plate. The scent lingered in her nostrils still, but Tamaya seemed unaffected. “It is my reminder.”

She sounded so distant, so empty...

Had she sounded like that?

She put the foam plate at the other end of the room quickly. When she returned, Tamaya was sitting on the mattress, hugging her legs. Georgia took Molly and held her out. Tamaya took her doll and put it on her lap.

Georgia sat next to her.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Tamaya shook her head. She undid one of Molly's braids and started doing it again. “Give me ideas.”

“Ideas for what?”

“Ideas for what I could be. I don't know anything else.”

Georgia undid Molly's other braid. “How about... being a superhero?”

#renegades #archenemies #supernova #renegades trilogy #simon westwood #hugh everhart #georgia rawles #tamaya rae #OG renegades #rise of the renegades #ao3 #fic #i promise they all are going to meet up soon:(#i just need to organize a couple of things #thanks for being patience u.u

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