#i still dont really know what to do with myself now
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four-tune favours the bold (mv1)
pairing: max verstappen x alonso!reader [smau]
summary: having won his fourth world title, max finds no better time to tell your father that you're dating (and to maybe also get his blessing)
warnings: none (i think)
a/n: now that we finally have M4X (yipeeeeee), can we please get goatlonso back, preferably in the next few years (pls let the newey rocketship work)
[masterlist] [requests]
-> instagram
y/n_priv
liked by fatherofthree, blackdontcrack, inchident_no1 and others
y/n_priv reactions after max told me he had told dad about us (he lied)
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blackdontcrack max stop sending your girlfriend into a heart attack, she's already getting one from your kids
fatherofthree she learnt that one from you and roscoe 💀 blackdontcrack HEY. my son is very well behaved
notnowinsnomore I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY YOU WONT JUST TELL HIM, IT'S NOT THAT HARD MAX
fatherofthree DO YOU WANT TO TELL HIM FOR ME 🤨🤨🤨 notnowinsnomore NO???? DO YOU THINK I WANT TO DIE??? notnowinsnomore IT'S ALSO YOUR RELATIONSHIP, NOT MINE
honeyhoney you've got to give him like 10 years to process that you're even in the same social sphere as his daughter...good luck man
fatherofthree thanks dan 😖 fatherofthree padel later? y/n_priv no? we have our date??? 😧😧😧 honeyhoney you beating up max now y/nnie? y/n_priv 😁👍
yourbff_priv babes ditch the men for me 😍
y/n_priv yes wifey 👩❤️💋👩 fatherofthree @/yourbff_priv stop stealing MY girlfriend yourbff_priv skill issue
fatherofthree
liked by y/n_priv, inchident_no1, notnowinsnomore and others
fatherofthree stopped her from becoming blonde and still got kisses xoxo
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notnowinsnomore that second picture is exactly is what's gonna put you on top of fernando's kill list
fatherofthree no it wont notnowinsnomore yes it will inchident_no1 yes it will blackdontcrack yes it will honeyhoney yes it will ima5starmichelin yes it will buzzlightyear yes it will y/n_priv yes it will fatherofthree ok maybe it will. but fernando doesn't need to know
inchident_no1 your rendition of my heart goes on is truly...
y/n_priv truly what CHARLES? say it with your pussy fatherofthree YEAH WHAT SHE SAID inchident_no1 rubbish 🙄 y/n_priv BOOOOOOO YOU'RE RUBBISH
y/n_priv
liked by fatherofthree, spicysugarbaby, inchident_no1 and others
y/n_priv PUTTING IT ALL ON BLACK! VIVA LAS VEGAS BABY 🤩 YOU ARE WELCOME TO JOIN US AT THE MGM UNTIL THURSDAY MORNING @/f1
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inchident_no1 should've bet on red 😉 wouldn't have lost you 100k
spicysugarbaby agreed 🤭 blackdontcrack well i SEVERELY disagree since we won 250k on the next spin on black so.... fatherofthree I LEAVE YOU ALONE WITH THEM FOR 10 MINUTES AND YOU'VE ALREADY BET 250K??? y/n_priv yeah but it's an investment babe 😘
antman can i join you guys? 🥺🥺🥺
y/n_priv not yet little kimi, in another three years (i think; i'll take you to the casino then myself ☺️) y/n_priv and yes you too @/we_are_barebears we_are_barebears YESSSSS 😌
f1 can i come over pls pls
y/n_priv of course admin ❤️ f1 yay 😁
-> messages
-> instagram
yourusername
liked by maxverstappen1, lewishamilton, fernandoalo_oficial and others
yourusername feeling right at home here, dressed and betting on red
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user1 HOLY LORD MOTHER IS FINALLY BACK TO SERVE CUNT IN THE PADDOCK 🥵🥵🥵
user2 the sexy spanish alonso genes are real with this one yourusername i would hope so! 🥱 user3 istg ive never seen a spanish person look bad in red
user4 GOD REALLY GIVES US Y/N AS AN APOLOGY CAUSE HOW DOES SHE EXIST????
user5 she's literally a goddess on earth user6 the face economy is unreal with her 😍 yourusername cant just be a nepo baby, gotta make papa proud 😘
user7 super hyped for vegas now that you're here with us y/n 🤩
user8 hopefully we see another alonso top 10 (i can copium for a top 6) user9 he will literally dnf everyone if it means y/n gets to see him podium or win again (2023 was literally iconic) yourusername papa will be ready to make stroll do crashgate 😉 (but i've asked him to refrain for this weekend) user10 ya'll y/n's cooking 😌😌😌
user11 ERM ANYONE GONNA BRING UP PIC 3 CAUSE....
user12 YA'LL GIRLIE I WAS GONNA SAY THE SAME THING user13 who's that @/yourusername 🤨 user14 who's that @/yourusername 🤨 yourusername no comment 🥺👉👈 user15 whoever that is do be looking fine affff user16 also probably fearing for his life, considering she's got like ten godfathers and then over twenty drivers ready to bash a man for her 💀💀💀
user17 THE FERRARI AURA IS STRONG WITH THIS ONE 😆
fernandoalo_oficial who's that princessa
yourusername i will tell you soon papa 😁
maxverstappen1
liked by yourusername, charles_leclerc, landonorris and others
maxverstappen1 suited up and ready to take on vegas. 💪 bring on the race 🎰
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user18 STILL COOKING WITH A SLIGHTLY COOKED CAR, LETS GET TITLE NUMBER 4 💪💪💪
user19 literally salivating over pic one, cause he's so fine 🥵
user20 waiting for "2024 fia f1 world champion is max verstappen"
user21 SIMPLY LOVELY PUTTING YOURSELF INTO A STRONG POSITION
user22 getting the ladies i see in pic two 🤣
user23 he knows what he wants, and what he's going to get afterwards 😏
user24 VIVA LAS VEGASSSSSS, GETTING READY TO RUMBLE
-> twitter
-> irl
as max stepped out of the cockpit of his red bull - his gloved hands trembling slightly - he could feel the relief coursing through him, palpable even under the thick layers of his racing suit and balaclava. the cold autumn air nipped at his damp skin, but he barely noticed, lost in the overwhelming rush of emotions.
after a very, very long season, filled with challenges both in and out of the car, he had finally done it…he had won his fourth world championship.
as he stood there under the vegas lights, savoring this triumphant moment in front of the roaring crowd, his thoughts drifted to you.
throughout the year, your presence had always been a beacon amidst the chaos, a constant reminder of what truly mattered to him beyond the roar of engines and the glare of millions of fans. as he ran towards his team, his chest pounding and blood rushing in his ears, he thought of your earlier message, and his heart swelled with affection for you. he knew now was finally the perfect opportunity to share his love for you with the rest of the world.
as you watched max leap into the waiting arms of his jubilant crew, who slapped his back, clapping and cheering, chanting his name, you tried furiously to blink away the tears. your boyfriend had finally achieved his fourth world title, and he was making both of your wishes come true.
walking over to the other drivers, max felt the hand of another behind him. turning around, the butterflies in his stomach heaved once again, coming face to face with your father, fernando alonso. max's exuberant gaze locked onto the figure before him, and as their eyes met, max felt the familiar flutter of nervousness in his chest, a sensation he'd grown accustomed to whenever thinking of you and your father.
"max," fernando greeted him warmly, extending a strong hand. "congratulations. you've earned every bit of this championship." max clapped his hand firmly, trying to hide the slight tremble behind his grin. "thank you, fernando,”
max blushed for a second, as fernando leant up to pinch his cheeks, while also grinning widely at him. as fernando's gaze lingered on max, he thought for a second that he had found out about the two of you, and was instead ready to pull him by the cheek in for a very obvious threat and kick to the balls.
"i must say," fernando began, his tone sincere, "you've shown remarkable resilience this season. much like myself. i hope to see you continue working hard for many years," his words carried a hint of approval.
max swallowed hard, his mind racing, as he opened his mouth to speak.
“i-i’m dating your daughter,” max’s heart pounded in his chest, the words tumbling from his lips before he could stop them. fernando’s expression remained jubilant, but there was a glimmer of something unreadable in his eyes. the air between them seemed to crackle with tension.
“i…i didn’t know she was seeing someone,” fernando said slowly, his voice low and controlled, as he waved to the crowd, whilst pulling max towards the other drivers. there was no denying the facts now – fernando knew about their relationship. and while max couldn’t read the older man’s thoughts, he felt a surge of nervous energy course through him. would this revelation change things? between him and fernando?
as if sensing his turmoil, fernando turned back around abruptly, causing max to jump slightly.
fernando studied max intently, his expression unreadable. then, slowly, a small smile tugged at the corner of his lips. "but i'm glad to hear that it's you max. my daughter deserves nothing less than the best."
with those words, fernando extended his hand once more, this time with a newfound warmth that spoke volumes. max grasped it firmly, sealing a silent pact between them. as they released their grip, fernando placed a hand on max's shoulder, pulling him in. "but listen closely mijo," he said, still grinning but his voice low and conspiratorial, "you mess with my daughter, and i will not hesitate to run you off the track or run you over. if you care for her, then show her that she's your number one priority, both on and off the track."
max felt a chill run down his spine at fernando's warning, but he also sensed a strange kind of respect behind it. this was a man who protected his family fiercely, and max wanted nothing more than to earn his place within that circle.
"yes, sir," he replied fervently, meeting fernando's intense stare head-on. "she is my priority, always. i promise you, i'll do whatever it takes to make her happy and keep her safe." fernando studied him for a long moment, searching for any sign of doubt. finally, he gave a curt nod, releasing max's shoulder.
"alright then," he said, "just remember what i told you. and welcome to the family, officially." as fernando walked away, max took a deep breath, his mind already racing. he glanced around at the celebrating crowd, their faces alight with joy and admiration, and couldn't help but feel a sense of pride swell within him.
but more than anything, max yearned to share this moment with you, to bask in the glow of his victory together and celebrate the love that had sustained him throughout the season. max scanned the bustling crowd, his eyes searching for a glimpse of your familiar features amidst the sea of faces. spotting you lingering nervously near the red bull personnel, he pushed through the throng of people, making a beeline directly for you. as he drew nearer, you couldn't help but notice the look of pure adoration etched across his handsome features. his dark hair was damp with sweat, his broad shoulders still trembling slightly from the exertion of the race. but his eyes shone brightly with triumph and something far warmer - his love for you.
"y/n!" he called out, his voice ringing above the din of the party. pulling you through the celebrating crowd, he wrapped you up in a crushing embrace, lifting you off your feet. you melted into his embrace, pouring every ounce of your joy, pride, and adoration into it.
your laughter mingled with the roar of the crowd as max set you back on your feet, his hands lingering on your waist. he gazed into your eyes, his own shimmering with unshed tears of happiness. in that moment, the rest of the world faded away, leaving only the two of you, suspended in a bubble of pure bliss.
"y/n," max whispered, his voice thick with emotion, "i did it. we did it." he pressed his forehead against yours, savoring the warmth of your skin and the closeness that came with sharing such an intimate moment.
your fingers tangled in his hair, pulling him closer until your lips met in a searing kiss, pouring years of shared dreams and unspoken promises into that single, passionate gesture. the world around them melted away as max lost himself in the taste and feel of your lips, his body molding perfectly against yours. his hands roamed over your curves, tracing the contours he knew so well, as if mapping out the path to your heart.
when you finally broke apart, both panting for air, max rested his forehead against yours, his eyes shining with a mixture of triumph and tenderness. "i want to spend the rest of my life making you feel this way," he murmured, his voice rough with emotion. "i want to wake up every morning with you by my side and fall asleep every night in your arms."
he reached into his pocket, his fingers brushing against the small velvet box that had been burning a hole there since the day he decided to propose. max dropped to one knee, his heart pounding in his chest as he gazed up at you with a look of pure adoration. the crowd around them seemed to hold its collective breath, the anticipation palpable in the air.
with trembling hands, max opened the box, revealing a stunning diamond ring nestled within. the stone glittered under the bright lights of the track, casting glittering cascades of light across your face.
"y/n," max began, his voice steady despite the overwhelming emotions coursing through him, "from the moment we met, you've been the driving force behind everything i've achieved. your love, support, and unwavering belief in me have pushed me to become the best version of myself, both on and off the track."
he paused, swallowing hard as he fought back the tears that threatened to spill from his eyes.
"marry me," max breathed, his voice barely above a whisper. "become my wife. let's race through life together because i want to spend the rest of my life with you, and no one else, i love you,"
with a shaky nod, you sank to your knees before him, cupping his face in your hands as you peppered his cheeks with tender kisses. "yes," you whispered, your voice choked with emotion. "a thousand times yes."
max slid the ring onto your finger, and pulling you up with him to your feet. spinning you around once more, your laughter ringing out like the sweetest melody. the crowd surged forward, enveloping you both in a sea of congratulations and well-wishes, their excitement nearly tangible in the air.
as the celebrations continued around them, max pulled you close, his lips finding yours in a passionate kiss that left no doubt about the depth of his love and commitment. in that moment, surrounded by the people who mattered most, max knew that this was just the beginning of a lifetime of victories, both on and off the track.
-> instagram
yourusername
liked by maxverstappen1, lewishamilton, charles_leclerc and others
yourusername I LOVE LAS VEGAS BABYYYYY 😘 but in all honesty, i'm so so so proud of you max (more than words or actions could ever express). seeing you grow throughout the past four years into the champion you are today, is more than any gift i could ever receive. there were far more battles and challenges from this season, but you rose above them every time. you are a champion, both on and off the racetrack and you will never be alone in this world, as long as i'm here. keep them coming baby. i love you, forever and always 🧡
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maxverstappen1 i love you very much schatje, thank you for always being there for me 😘
fernandoalo_oficial i am very happy for the both of you 😁👍
yourusername thank you papa ☺️ promise me you wont shunt into max next race? fernandoalo_oficial no promises sorry princessa 🤭
maxverstappen1
liked by landonorris, francolapinto, yourusername and others
maxverstappen1 four time world champion baby!!! a season full of challenges, but with the support, dedication and the effort of the team, this result would not have been possible 🙌 a huge thank you to all involved for this incredible achievement 👏
and i just want to say the biggest thank you to the love of my life, my girlfriend of four years, and now my fiancee, y/n alonso. i love you so much, and i can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you (even if your dad wants to run me over now)
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yourusername i love you more than anything else in this world maxie 🧡
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#⭑ : my work.ᐟ#the-flaneur#smau#x reader#f1#formula 1#f1 fanfic#f1 imagine#f1 x reader#f1 fluff#f1 smau#max verstappen fanfic#max verstappen imagine#max verstappen smau#max verstappen fluff#max verstappen x reader#max verstappen x you#max verstappen x alonso!reader#fernando alonso#fernando alonso x daughter!reader
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Okay, genuinely, literally, this mindset was the ONLY reason i graduated college.
It was the ONLY REASON.
I struggled to motivate myself to do my homework, regardless of deadline, regardless of how important it was to my grade, without someone in the room with me checking in occasionally to say "are you still working or are you on tumblr?"
I convinced one of my (similarly neurodivergent) roommates at the time to make me come do homework with her every evening, regardless of whether i wanted to at the time or not. I gave her permission to drag me out to the living room kicking and screaming if necessary. And then we sat on the couch, often with other roommates also doing homework, and we would all work. And after i was done, and showed her that it had been turned in and nothing else was due the next day, she would give me a popsicle that she kept in a mini fridge in her room, so i would only get them as a reqard for doing homework.
She did not propose any of that to me. I was the one who proposed that plan to her, because I know what Im like. If i dont wanna do a thing, i will hole up in my room and not come out. Even if i come out to do work, and yes having people in the room does help a lot even if they arent checking in with me, i can still occasionally have days where i say "i dont feel like doing xyz specific assignment today" and then i wont do it, so proving i had everything done to an unbiased outsider helped with that. And i would eat the popsicles till i had no rewards left for myself if it was left in the regular shared freezer we used
To neurotypicals, the above probably sounds really bad. It would sound lazy, it would sound like i have no desire to actually finish school. But i did! I really really desperately wanted to succeed in school. I just knew from experience that my own brain would be fighting me the entire way. So i decided i would no longer try to fight myself on it, and got help. And i succeeded! Im graduated now! I have a degree! Do what you need to do in order to succeed!!
The most valuable thing I learned doing a Masters degree with depression, anxiety and ADHD was to change my “things I’m bad at” list to “things I can’t do on my own.” Stop thinking of them as things I could do if I tried hard enough, and accept that I can’t accomplish them by effort and willpower alone; they’re genuine neurocognitive deficits, and if I need to do the thing, then just like a blind person reading or a mobility impaired person going up a storey in a building, I need to find a different method.
I’m “bad at” working on long-term projects without an imminent deadline or someone breathing down my neck? Okay, let’s change that: I can’t work on long-term projects without an imminent deadline and someone breathing down my neck. So let’s create an imminent deadline and recruit neck-breathers. Find a sympathetic prof who will agree that 3 weeks before the due date they expect me to show them my preliminary notes and bibliography. Get a friend I trust to block off an hour to sit with me and keep asking, “Are you working on your project?” Write a blog post about my progress. Arrange to trade papers and proofread them with another student.
Accept your limitations and learn to leverage them, instead of buying the neurotypical fairytale that they’ll go away if you just try hard enough.
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GIRL HELP I WASNT EXPECTING THE SATURATION PSA TO BE THE MOST POPULAR DRAWING-RELATED THING IVE EVER MADE IN MY LIFE
#ITS STILL GOING#i had to turn off notifs it was just too much and all the comments were people being upset#shoutout to the one person who left a tag about my sona being cute tho <3#not art#god its so scary tho#i still dont really know what to do with myself now#i want to get back to drawing things but im terrified of it now not gonna lie#had to force myself to do a just right of an evening panel today and couldnt keep going#i know how to fix it now! i do!#but theres no point to it if i cant fix it on toyhouse#so im just sitting here feeling scared and overwhelmed and also not drawing#my queue still has some stuff tho so that should be going for a while while i get back on my feet!#good luck everyone out there also trying to figure out what to do!
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I met the me who made different choices
#idk what this means so dont ask#got the words stuck in my head and this is what I wanted to draw for it immediately#me at my desk. so.#I dont look exactly like this obviously. doesnt matter. anyways#hard time recently in a lot of different ways#lots of work to do!#given up on getting everything done I kind of failed at that. it was too much#so now I'm just trying to get anything done that will make the next 6 months not kill me again#ideally. 3 episodes. or the book#or like at least close enough to that that its basically that#I'm feeling really screwed LOL#I dont know how I've been working every day for so long and still havent done enough...#(its because the work load is way too much)#every time I take 1 hour for myself. to cook. or clean. or draw something else. or play a game. I feel so guilty auauau#I hate webtoon I hate this damn green app...#DOESNT MATTER!!!#what DOES matter is my art is good as hell... look at this shit...#the light. the colors. I love you red I love you green#I need to get more red pants I only have the one pair.#I saw this guy with red pants that had skeleton legs on them and I was like FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!! I need them!!!!#I need to start sewing again. I dont have a sewing machine cause my apartment is too small so I havent sewn in years but I really want to..#I want to make clothes again... I need some vests I need some dresses..#I will not make pants or sleeved shirts because I dont hate myself#sketch#art#vent art I guess LMFAO its not#its just this fun little thing we like to call self expression#also this isnt how my desk setup actually is I scooted things around cause I didnt wanna draw anything twice. fuck it we ball#ok back to work
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What if I straight up didn't explain myself? What if I just said trust me on this? Would you?
#fe warriors three hopes#mercedes von martritz#miklan anschutz gautier#we really only need to clarify this is STRICTLY warriors miklan and i think ive already condemned myself but i accept it#i am very sorry but the person i usually would talk to about rare pairs has been a bit busy so i couldnt go to them to get it out that way#so art is the only way i have you have to understand its not my fault (its my fault)#did you guys know i reset the azure gleam map three times before googling the chapter where he dies to try and save him#no i dont think he deserves to be pardoned for what hes done but i liked that w3h gave him a small chance to be better FOR HIMSELF#no i dont think he should simply be forgiven for everything he did but i do like that he was given humanity and how#he was still not a good guy but damn you guys i think about that npc sometimes#who says that they admired him becoming something despite being a criminal bc if miklan can do it whats stopping them from being better ?#like that npc stuck with me a while ok#just ......... there are a lot of thoughts here that i dont think many of you care to read even in tags so ill stop now#i will say the canvas is saved as speed run to cancellation lesgo
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I hate how sad this is :(((( poor baby
Like he finally retires, spends a month or two just resting because he thinks he now has the time to rest before figuring out what he wants to do with himself now
But as those two months go by, he can feel himself getting weaker and weaker until he cannot deny what is happening.
Maybe one day he tries to get up but can't, maybe ravio hears a thud and has to go pick him back up and put him back to bed. Maybe legend slowly gets bedridden and weaker by the day.
Or maybe he knows about it in lu, and has been hiding it. Sure there is fighting but recently on their adventure its been really relaxed. He can feel himself weakening but then it starts to become more obvious. Then when he becomes too weak to move much, and they understand what is happening, they do their best to make him as comfortable as he can be, and do the best they can even if he is sleeping on the forest floor in the cold, they all give him their bedrolls and blankets and make sure he gets everything he needs. (Its a situation where they can't do anything, not even give him somewhere comfortable to stay. They are completely helpless)
Time wonders why it must end like this, why legend must go so young, how he didn't deserved this fate after all he has done
I would really want to see a bonding moment between legend and time, between warriors and especially between ravio, and i would want to see how legend himself is thinking, what is going on in his mind, what exactly the pain he is in feels like, if he is okay with this or not or something in between. (I honestly dont think he would be blaming any godesses either. If he does blame something, i think he is wize enough to know that it is the evil in the world's fault)
Eventually a portal appears and takes them to legend and ravio's doorstep. At this point maybe legend is a lot weaker perhaps already bedridden at this point, but he still has quite a bit of time, enough time for ravio to learn what is going on and (barely) come to terms with it. Long enough for the two to spend some time with each other. And like the one i wrote above, both ravio and the chain are forced to watch as their brother suffers until his end. In the end, Ravio is at his side, holding his hand.
I hate myself for thinking and am gonna cry. I am sad now
The most evil thing to do to the poor guy
Fanfic prompt: People often portray Legend as carrying scars from his adventures or having chronic pain
But rather than the usual battlefield death all by himself
It would be beyond cruel to let him simply retire but because of the injuries he has collected over time he ends up dying a short while after retirement
Like he ends up making it surviving anything the world throws at him
Just
To not make it because the cost of everything ended up costing him too much
If he knows about it it gets even more tragic
Honestly a linked universe except Legend is hyper aware that he is dying a slow and miserable death
He hopes he could maybe meet Marin at and apologize for everything when it happens and tell Everyone he still has left that he loves them personally
While the other links don’t know …
And being the idiot he is he hides it from everyone
Just a thought people…
#i do a little fanfic#i do a little reblog#😭😭😭#lu legend#evil prompt makes me think things#ravioli#at least i see them as in a relationship#it would be so sad :(
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its so hard to watch time pass when things like careers and assignments exist. what do you mean im supposed to take that seriously
#I have an assignment that was due a week ago and I really really dont want to do it. I have to but i dont want to#im probably making it worse because my brain has built a wall around it so now i can’t do literally anything else until thats done. but#because I don’t want to do it I’m just kinda stuck. turns out this is what they meant when they said emotional regulation is part of#exec dysfunction.. I’ll have a thought like if I get a little bit of it done now i can get it over with. I can just submit something#and then not even 5 minutes later itll be like ugh but I have to draw all the assets out. I have to write things and make spreads ugh#and its just flopping between those two things. i hate it when ppl are like well how much time do you need to work on one thing#because BOY id love to know too. I’d love to know exactly when my brain wants to cooperate with me and work around that but I cant#even my period can’t decide when it wants to punch me in the stomach. which is kinda funny in the grand scheme of things but still#its so weird im just lying on my bed thinking abt all this like damn.. the time will pass anyways no matter what I decide to do.. damn….#if I submit that assignment now and take the L I literally won’t die. it’ll just be a deduction on an assignment nobody will ask me about#I know this but I’m still stressing myself about it so my thoughts aren’t really connecting to my body. weird#maybe its because Im having a hard time looking forward to things. theres definitely a lot I should be living for but I don’t really feel#a strong attachment to it I guess? it’s been like this for a while with holidays and meeting with friends so I just don’t#I kinda figured its because im pretty passionless and its more like passing interest. but it’s not very fun when it feels like I’m going to#be living distraction to distraction for the next 70 years or so lol#idk it kind of feels like slowly bleeding out. which is funny because I actually did experience blood loss this week#had a 30 minute nosebleed and literally could not stand. also it felt like someone was pinching the back of my brain which was interesting#yapping#does this count as vent#vent#Ive just been making an oc carrd and contemplate changing my blog header for the past 3 days honestly
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the thing i love about bill cipher is that even after i've learned all of this stuff about him, seen him at the most vulnerable he'll ever get, seen him at his most innocent, i still can't give a flying fuck about trying to justify his actions. yes he's traumatized, yes he was twisted into what we know today, and while it gives a semblance of context to why he did what he did, it doesn't matter. he still ruined ford's life. he still drove and baited multiple humans to suicide. he still tormented every human he saw as his ticket out of the consequences of his own actions. he still took delight in his actions. he was willing to commit genocide for fuck's sake!!! (freezing all of the humans into statues). trying to explain away what he did does not get rid of what he did, but it certainly puts it in perspective. you won't be catching me being a bill apologist any time soon <3
#gravity falls#bill cipher#the book of bill#pleaseeee dont kill me guys#also if anyone tries to twist this and apply it to ford i WILL be setting myself on fire#because like. i've seen many people hate on him because of what he did objectively#but the difference between ford and bill is that ford did not LIKE it. let me break down things ford has done @ stan that ppl dont like:#1: he was the favorite child hands down (not ford's fault. he was a kid. he was shoved into the role by his father)#2: considering leaving stan behind for west coast tec (which we dont even know was his intention. what if he wanted to bring stan with him?#what if he was going to ultimately turn the offer down? what if he went and still kept touch anyway? speaking as a guy who grew up#gifted in a poor neighborhood; college is your TICKET outta there. you'd do anything to do so--BACK ON TRACK)#3: didnt defend stan when he was being kicked out (he thought stan sabotaged his and his fams ticket out of poverty. of COURSE he's pissed!#also he was 17. of COURSE in the moment he wasnt going to take his scrawy ass and stand up to his 6'6 abusive ass of a father. would YOU?#4: told stan to take the journal (ford was on the brink of death and insanity. all he had left was STAN to trust. it also wasnt him saying#to have stan stay away from him forever--it was just to take the JOURNAL somewhere. he NEVER said he COULDNT come back!#do you REALLy think that FORD could have explained all that properly when he has beeen TORTURED FOR WEEKS ON END? I DIDNT THINK SO!#anyways. the point is that everything the fandom uses to villanize ford is in fact a result of circumstances outside of his control#and while you can argue that bill is the same; compare the damage they have done. consider how their trauma impacted them as people.#think about how bill took his trauma out on everyone around him. about how even now he still feels no remorse in that prison.#think about how ford tried to FIX his mistakes. think about how he is human; how he acted in spite of his misery#think about what that fucking triangle did to that six-fingered old man.#....okay! that was a lot. lets hope no one sees this!!
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i often really do feel like an .. unwanted part of the fandom, i dont draw beautiful landscapes, i have unpopular but strong opinions im constantly annoying about and rarely change, dont like/dont draw the pretty young popular twinks and hot gurls to fanboi over nor do i turn characters into one, the opposite moreso, draw only one ship no ones heard of really, got little energy to interact with the few people that are nice to me and send me asks so it probably looks like im ignoring everyone and unfortunately but still rarely get so stressed i get overwhelmed and emotional about pehaps seemingly minor things and spiral almost into a breakdown feeling super embarrassed about it afterwards but the damage is already done and i look like a freak or agressive weirdo
#ganondoodles talks#also probably sounds like self pity#but this feeling hits everytime i see a super popular artist be the popular cool artist#i am a little weird i know that and thats not somethign bad i think#but the internet never gets to see that much of me#i tend to write posts when i am at my worst bc it has to go somewhere#so the image it tells people is that im a weirdly strong opiniod freak that gets breakdowns over nothing#i also dont feel like im otherwise -cool tm- enough to balance that out#i dont think my art is as stylized or as inventive as others nor am i cool to interact with bc idk how to be cool to interact with#i feel double bad when i misstepped with someone i used to talk to bc of something stupid ... or just dont know what i did wrong#im guessing its especially when i am in that spiraling state of mind where i really am not myself tbh#it still feels very bad bc i feel like i can never make it up to anyone again#sorry i acted like a jerk my brain was exploding in emotions in a desperate attempt to deal with something idk how to deal with-#-and made me not act like myself but now i feel really dumb about it#doesnt sound like a good excuse#... i want to thank those that do stick with me#even if i acted strange sometimes- even if i disappointed sometimes- even when i couldnt keep a promise#there are little things that still make me angry at myself#like that one time i asked in the tags whod read as long as the end of them and if someone did shoudl send me an ask so id draw a lil thing#and i got two#and i kept trying to remeber oh shit i need to do that and forgetting again/not having energy for it in a loop#i still feel like a jerk about it but now its probably too late#i wish i could answer all asks i get but man my energy for that is always rock bottom#no matter how much i enjoy the ask#and i love getting asks!!!#im sorry :((
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you are expendable, you are not expected to return
#i know i said id try to keep pressure stuff in containment but this is more of a vent piece than pressure fanart#and it felt wrong posting it on the side blog since thats really more of a fandom space than a soap space#kinda need the catharsis of strangers knowin whats goin on with me bc ive been kind of MIA on all platforms in terms of new 3D art..#i had something really insane happen that was a major permanent change to my life in september/august (cant talk about it) and#i havent really been handling it well at all#pressures been like the sole thing thats kind of keeping me above water mentally#but simultaneously like the level of obsession im at is insanely unhealthy it is ruining everything else in my life. but i just dont know#what else i can really do to stay sane. log on roblox think about my gay fishes and then go to bed#normally i try to ride out little mental health bumps like these and get back to work but its been like 3 months now and#im still struggling to be able to focus on client work. i can take it easy on myself just fine but i really dont want to let clients down#anyways thats whats been going on with me if anyones noticed the absence#soap talks#my art#roblox pressure#hopefully that doesnt put it in the main tags i try to tag fandoms so ppl are able to block them#raine
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writer's block is debilitating atm. i want to write soooooooooo badly but im just sitting here staring at google docs with 0 neuron activation
#also i hate to admit it but ive felt kinda weird writing phanfic lately :/#bc idk. seeing them irl at tit kinda made me think about it too much i guess#plus the revelation that they (or at least phil) lurk and they might see it ldsvlknlsknvlsfn id have to kms#im still debating deleting after the “someone on tumblr will write about that” comment#still trying to convince myself it wasnt about me but i will never know for sure and now i always feel mildly uncomfortable on here :(#maybe im also self sabotaging a bit because i dont really want to finish any of my wips#bc then i should post them. but i dont want to bc what if they flop dslnlnsnvlknvl#i am starting to resent these wips but at the same time theyre still my babies#i always used to think writing was like my Thing. but now im starting to feel like i cant write for shit lmfao#and it's really hard to write if writing just makes you feel stupid#maybe this is just seasonal depression idk#when phil said in his fanfic video rpf is fine as long as you dont cross certain lines#i thought the line was trying to make them aware of it/taking it beyond fan spaces. but now im second guessing everything i write#one of my wips is kinda dark/very angsty and im worried that it gets too deep into mental health stuff#even though it is an alternate timeline au so it's really about 2 fictional characters based on them. but still im worried it's too serious#especially since someone mentioned the bluebird fic recently. i havent read it but now im stressed that my fic is too dark#in a similar way. spoiler alert lmao but this fic was supposed to culminate in dan getting outed by a friend and having a breakdown#but now im wondering if im doing too much and i should just drop this whole idea ugh
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Wverytime I sit down at a computer to make music I get so scared
#i like siting down with a guitar and writing music but the daw is still so scary to me and i dont know how to make it less scary#its like i dont know where to start#i understand music theory i can write chord progressions i can write melodies but arranging feels so daunting#like just trying to pick keyboard voices and stuff im like overwhelmed and then its like i just dont even know where to start#i think i need to do more covers to practice arranging because trying to do it with my own songs im just like i have NO IDEA#i do think that trying to recreate arrangements of other songs I like will help me but also just idk#i really want to get better at writing at the piano but i find it really hard#rn i write almost all my songs on the guitar then i guess what i have to do is try to think of like what style i want it to have#and sort of try to create a map like probably literally on paper and then try to go in and sort of do it but god its so hard i dont know#it feels so so daunting#even trying to make silly little stuff with just like some synths is really hard for me right now its so out of my comfort zone and AUGH id#its frustrating im scared of the computer but i also very much do not want to be an acoustic singer songwriter but thats all i can do#because all i can do is play fucking guitar!!!! and its just so frustrating#technically im like with a midi controller i should be able to do whatever program drums write little synth lines etc i dont have to like#know how to play piano and yet whenever i try to do it i just get so overwhelmed and freaked out with how many possibilities there are#that i just . cannnnnt#AHGHHHHHHHHHHHH im so im in such a bad mood right ow#ive had such a horrible night honestly#i think i will just go engage in fixation for comfort and then go to bed sigh#i dont know what to do to improve at making music in the daw i guess ill just maybe try again this weekend to take another crack at it#god its just so frustrating that i only started writing songs 2 years ago and have only learned to use a daw in the last 3 months i WISH#that i was one of these teenagers who spent all my time writing silly songs and playing around with a midi controller but i just didnt#because i was scared!!!!!!!#playing the guitar and singing has always been like the only thing that felt safe cos i felt if i tried to actually write and arrange songs#by myself i would fail so now i just feel so frustrated because i dont feel like a real musician and i feel like im starting too late#AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH whatever sorry for using the tags of this post as my diary but#i am frustrated!!!!
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🌷
#‘If you don't want to answer’ anon#yeah it’s a bit to early to talk about it and knowing this fandom it probably will never be the right time either#i tend to agree with you because I’m that sort of person that stands up for others when I feel there is something wrong going on#i like to confront people and I like to make things very clear#knowing this about myself I always struggle when the others dont do the same#and yeah if you keep Louis out of the equation#as you said he suffered from it too but still took the chance to speak up#(even if his fans are nasty and mostly stupid and i tell that with any possible intention of sounding rude and pretentious)#so you know his words fell a but unheard because that rage and hate kept going#i tend to agree with you on that#but they don’t ever talk or take any position like ever#it’s frustrating because you can’t take actions and try your best to soothe such strong negative emotions#and the fact they didn’t and never do… yeah it’s disappointing but also not really?#cause i don’t expect them too yk?#i think that if they were aware of what was going on now they are now already guilty tripping#i hope they’re taking care now but also i hope this is some sort of wake up call#to stop such waves of criticism and anger towards someone unreasonably#and just show support and do whatever you can to protect humanity#with kindness and respect. not only with words you know
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#ok finally making a post about meds#I've not ever tried taking medication before. I was sorta raised with that classic 'dont rely on meds you have to learn to manage without'#I mean I was also raised with the idea that therapy is stupid unless you have 'real' trauma. and also like idk.#can't stay home from school unless your temp is over 100 or you're throwing up. etc. very suck it up mindset#so I was just really nervous to start. also of course worried about losing myself or whatever I know that's a silly fear but#it's also a common fear for a reason!!! anyways#so I finally was like 'I need to do something' when I realized I was so anxious I couldnt even get myself to go outside alone#like I just don't want to do ANYTHING alone to a detrimental effect. and it was butting into my ability to do my work...#for various reasons. but then ALSO adhd has been a constant issue with my work as well!#it is SO hard to write and draw on a weekly pace like I am without being able to focus#my whole life I've had these terrible nightmares constantly and I've always woken up constantly in the night#sleep has always been terrible so I've always dreaded going to bed.. ESPECIALLy because it didnt even make me less tired#it was more something that I just did because I had to.#but going to bed was always terrible. there have been times I was too scared to go to sleep for weeks on end...#I've been mitigating this for years of course. and recently I've been taking melatonin which has been helping too.#but I've also always struggled to get up. because I've always been EXTREMELY exhausted#but also anxious of what the day might bring... idk.#anyways it has all hit a point that I was like okay. I am doing as many coping mechanisms as I can. the psych said they were good too#but... it just has never been enough. it's never been enough to make me not tired it's never been enough to make me not scared#so I finally talked to the doc about it. and she was like youve def got smth wrong basically. which yah I know.. but yknow#anyways so I started taking wellbutrin. and I am so frustrated now. because it's WORKING#that constant looming sense of dread is gone. I'm excited to get up. I'm excited to go to bed BECAUSE I'm excited to get up#I feel like for years I've been holding on to the idea that I have to get up because I have to put something good out into the world#and I've been clinging to knowing that if nothing else. I am able to help other people feel better.#but now for the first time in my life I'm like. free of it. I didnt even know it was possible... and I'm so sad how much I've lost out on#and so frustrated how my whole life I've been told to put up with it and push through it. and treated like a failure for it being too much.#and just. It has only been 2 weeks. but the lack of anxiety is SO noticeable I'm so...#I'll never miss it. the adhd is still pretty present but like whatever. I can manage that better.#and I'm just crying because of all this combined.#I just. I hope I get to finally be the best I can be now. for myself but also for you guys!
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#oh lads. lads. lads. lads. im being sucked back into the world of academia#i dont even kno what happened. a week ago i was crying bc i was like: this is impossible. i simply cannot do this.#and then i went into the lab sunday and miraculously i was able to easily read some papers. like i dont kno how to discribe how baffling it#was. like reading papers is like pulling teeth and this was somehow easy. i think maybe it was bc i let myself get distracted and wander#thru it. and then after that i got so much done this week and i was tired but having fun. and like the thing is: i fucking love evolution#it's like puzzling out the code for life in both a metaphical and literal sense. its fucking incredible. and my project is also very#interesting. if a bit intimidating in its scope. ya kno. just in the way photosynthesis is generally intimidating#but i think i have a strain thats lost chlf which is really interesting and my advisor said we might have the money to try some crispr for#my cyano children. hypothetically. maybe. and i get to do some poking around in genomes. theres so so much to love there#how could i possibly want to do anything else? and yet. and yet. here at the end of the week im so wrung out and i kno i just have to start#again on sunday and i kno im gonna have to step it up in terms of reading if i want to make it through a committee meeting and proposal#defense. not to even mention a comprehensive exam. and what do i get at the end of all this? a lifetime of academia draining my life away.#bc what i do is so academic. so whats the point? its just so frustrating.#and on top of that ive got all this data from my old lab that i kno i have to work on. and i will. i will. but with what time?#anyway the point is. i can see a path forward now where i stay here and decide the pain will be worth it despite not knowing where im going#after that. im just so tried#but right now it feels like im gonna stay until someone kicks me out#but that doesnt exactly make me feel happy. ugh. but if i stay i want to get my old pi to come here and give a seminar. ill warn her how#intimidating the department is tho. we've had 2 talks in the last 2 weeks that were... not good. particularly the one this week#like she couldnt answer a single question they thru at her and didnt seem to kno her data sets. it was hard to watch. anyway. i just want#to see my academic mother again. send me back to the desert! let me rot in a field full of sage#but send me back to the hills of an older mountain range. where i can climb sandstone cliffs and lay in carpets of moss. except i wouldnt do#that bc of all the ticks and threat of lyme disease...#anyway. im still tired. still sad. and there doesnt seem to b a way out#unrelated
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reading life changing fanfiction of a subjectively underwhelming source media is a special kind of hell
#‘subjectively underwhelming’ bc most of the time its me taking a handful of characters and doing what I want#its not even spite I am just in a state constantly clenching my fists like ‘it would be SO cool but i still feel like#people are going to come for me for mischaracterizing canon that I don’t really care abt’#tempted to make one of those page banners to go with it like ‘I don’t go here I just read a really good fic and when I went to check the#source material it didn’t live up to my expectations so now im just in purgatory and sound insane doing this’#being unwell abt something and then having someone trash talk it to you but not maliciously bc they dont know youre unwell abt it#is so. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhbhhhhhhhhh#I dont need to prove myself or anything I dont need to never rub ppl the wrong way to enjoy fictional characters#and none of this is relevant to anything in my life I am just deeply attached to how many different ways these guys can fall in love#but the way I am being so vague about this feels telling of how much I worry ppls opinion of me will change if I bite the bullet#not even of their own accord thats just how far removed my reasons for liking it are#sigh#yapping
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