#i still dont know how light works
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I met the me who made different choices
#idk what this means so dont ask#got the words stuck in my head and this is what I wanted to draw for it immediately#me at my desk. so.#I dont look exactly like this obviously. doesnt matter. anyways#hard time recently in a lot of different ways#lots of work to do!#given up on getting everything done I kind of failed at that. it was too much#so now I'm just trying to get anything done that will make the next 6 months not kill me again#ideally. 3 episodes. or the book#or like at least close enough to that that its basically that#I'm feeling really screwed LOL#I dont know how I've been working every day for so long and still havent done enough...#(its because the work load is way too much)#every time I take 1 hour for myself. to cook. or clean. or draw something else. or play a game. I feel so guilty auauau#I hate webtoon I hate this damn green app...#DOESNT MATTER!!!#what DOES matter is my art is good as hell... look at this shit...#the light. the colors. I love you red I love you green#I need to get more red pants I only have the one pair.#I saw this guy with red pants that had skeleton legs on them and I was like FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!! I need them!!!!#I need to start sewing again. I dont have a sewing machine cause my apartment is too small so I havent sewn in years but I really want to..#I want to make clothes again... I need some vests I need some dresses..#I will not make pants or sleeved shirts because I dont hate myself#sketch#art#vent art I guess LMFAO its not#its just this fun little thing we like to call self expression#also this isnt how my desk setup actually is I scooted things around cause I didnt wanna draw anything twice. fuck it we ball#ok back to work
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getting more into nmixx means more opportunities for me to be annoyed at coloured lenses 🤞
#ive said it before but like I dont have an issue with them when it actually adds to a photoshoot or stage performance#i still ascertain 90% of the time they look uncanny and slightly freaky so it works well for costumey or creepy concepts#but the other 90% when they just have them in for no reason? hate it#also its funny bc its usually a 'look how pretty they are' and im like sorry. distracted by her weird eyes so it doesnt even work#they seem to have sullyoon in those circle lenses most of the time and it genuinely is like can you let her live#also everyone always focuses on blue lenses but i find light brown contacts just as ??#bc at least you know that person doesnt have blue eyes but when they make an already browned eyed person wear shit#so they just have a lighter shade of brown its so like ????#i can guarantee you she looks pretty with her very dark eyes Sheesh#like if someone told me to wear coloured contacts but like just a few shades more pale of my actual colour ???#leave the coloured contacts for cosplayers is my opinion
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my art is doing the blocking
#i still dont know how lighting works#art block sucks oml#squidbeak splatoon#agent 24#agent 3#agent 8#splatoon yuri#splatoon 3#splatoon 2#inkling#octoling
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hands u extremely basic albedo and rhinedottir art
#guys i literally still dont know how lighting works this is a problem#i’m self taught but it’s been like 5 years since i started digital and i’m still clueless LMAOOO#if i have recommendations abr how to learn lighting and shadow PLEAAAASE share#anyways… he is my babygirl#prettiest girl at the party award goes to albedo everyone else go home#he is SOOOOOO fun to draw i highly recommend#genshin impact#albedo gi#albedo#rhinedottir#wiklm art!!
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🐰🕸🌙
#i have so many behaviours and fears and#no emotional regulation and issues and disorders and fearrrrr#and i do not know how to explain it so that ppl who dont relate can possibly understand it#but it is like i am trapped in a nightmare dimension where everything is always bad#my brain isnt even wired to see anything in a positive or hopeful light#which is how humans are wired typically to ensure survival lol#in swedish avpd is also called anxious personality disorder#which can clue in on the fact that if you know what a personality disorder is#(your brain hasnt developed normally but in a disordered way. often bc of trauma etc)#my brain is wired to be anxious abt wverything all the time#so i always naturally see everything in a negative and dark and bad and horrible light#which is fucking terrible. it makes life exhausting and like a constant fight#other ppl dont get that bc their brains arent wired to have this horrible outlook on EVERYTHING#so thid just gives me extreme trust issues and my brain always fights to make sense of things#bc it cannot do so in a rational manner#and basically i just feel so ashamed when i think of how like... overly emotional and fearful i am#as soon as anything happens im like wow this person literally wants to kill me bc humans are evil#which i know intellectually isnt tru bc if it was i'd be dead by now 💀#ig i just feel so lucky that one person still is my friend after almost 2yrs now#despite my whateverthefuck moments when idek what im saying..#'working thru my emotions' in a way that doesnt make sense#esp when hes seen some of what i've written and im like NOOO i was spiraling when i said that i dont mean that i think most likely i dont#anyway.. feeling grateful 🙏 i wish i was normal#or at least had th ability to have connections and relationships most ppl w mental illness are still capable of having#avpd is fucked upppp it is such a weird mental disability.... 0-o#bc of my fear i also struggle with relaxing into it bc im like no imma fuck it up soon or no hes gonna leave me soon bc i suck and dont#deserve having him in my life at all. i really wish my brain wasnt wired to be terrified like i hate my brain and myself like why cant#i just be normal!!!!!! ☹️ i am thankful for every moment still.
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filler doodles about how i comedically whitewashed myself as a child (despite also being the darkest i had and still have ever been in my entire life) because i cannot wrap my head around it
#filler art#my art#i was also short haired at the time so its odd i drew myself as having very long hair but is it any more weird than me whitwashing myself no#i remember i also imagined myself to grow up as a white girl like#HUH??? like i was so convinced i was going to look like all the white main character girls on television ... i had to look like one#all of this was probably because of the lack of representation in tv i could find at the time tbh#BECAUSE THIS WASNT AN ISSUE OF MY DAY TO DAY LIFE NOOOOOO#in here being... moreno?!?! . brown?!?!! EVEN IF LIGHT IS MILES MORE COMMON THAN BEING WHITE#AND ITS SO MUCH MROE SILLIER BECAUSE I WAS MCUH MORE DARK THAN I CURRENTLY AM BACK THEN#as of now im more so lightskinned . nowhere near white but im not very dark either because i dont see rhe sun often ww so im pale#BACK THEN I GOT BURNT ON THE SUN AS A HOBBY im serious i sat on the hot rock floor with burning sun climate bevause it was nice#NOT EVEN THE CURLS COULD BE SAVED I HAD TO PORTRAY MYSELF AS STRAIGHT HAIRED FOR WHATEVER REASON#like on my defense i did straighten my hair out a lot as a young child but THAT LASTED LIKE 2 DAYS EVERY TIME#so 90% i was curls so its funny#ALSO WHY DID WE CALL THE CREAM COLOR “THE SKIN COLOR” WHAT#like. it wasnt just me . whole elementary school knew if you asked for rhe skin color you talkin about thay#any tone of brown simply did not work I DONT KNOW WHY WE WERE ALL LIKE THIS???#thankfully at the age of 10 i realized i infact had melanin but .. i coudlnt accept i had black hair still💀💀#so my skin and hqir color were always the same in portrayals ITS SO FUNNY IM SORRY#I FIDN THIS INSANELY FUNNY IM SO SORRY#dont feel too concerned i wasnt ashamed of my skin color or anything but i had the warped idea i would look white soon#not if you keep cooking youself in the sun you wont /j#i dont know what to say about how i draw myself now a days i dont draw myself as myself but i know i aint white now its okay 🩷 (/hj)
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I CANT I CANTTTTTTT I WILL LITERALLY EXPLODE RJIKNHGKRSBKFUCKNHJHFBNJEA JFHBAEJHBFJHBHBHBHBHBBAZHJDBAJHDBAJKHBDJKNA????A//////!?!!!!!!!!??!!???!?!?!??!! I CANNOT I LITERALLY NOT THE CAN I CANTTTTTT RAUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
#⚠️WARNING⚠️TAGS R SUPER FUCKING LONG I NEEEEED TO RAMBLE ABOUT LOVE AND DEEPSPACE I HAVE SO MANY THOUGHTS#SUGGESTIVE ART? NSFW? LITERAL GODDAMN PORN? LIGHT WORK NO REACTION#POV ROMANTIC OTOME GAME SHIT WITH THE TINIEST HINT OF SPICE??? I CANNOT ITS TOO MCUH I ITS AUGHHH IM JNUHJHFUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK#IM LIKE FUCKING PLAYING THIS GAME WITH A HAND COVERING MY EYES WHILE PEEKING ITS TOO MUCH#I AM LOOKING AWAY EVERY SECOND IM NOT STRONG ENOUGH FUCKUNGBHGJGHJHGHGBJJH#I HATE HATE HATEEEEE (not rly) IT WHEN THEY GET NEAR U ITS AUGH ITS SO WEIRD I PUT MY PHONE FURTHER AWAY FROM ME OUT OF EMBARASSMENT#SOMETIMES I LOSE MY IMMERSION AND GET SELF AWARE AND THINK TO MYSELF THIS IS SO FUCKING WEIRD... THIS IS WHY I DONT PLAY OTOME GAMES DUDE#like no hate to otome games its just way too much for me i get way too embarassed abt playing them its def a me thing#ok first of all the combat is p ok actually it reminds me of pgr and hi3 altho i like pgr better :] (lee my beloved)#i did burst out laughing when i found out abt it cause i thought it would be like mysme and its just visual novel shit but its really okay#also i did a bit of thinking as to why i dont find the charas super appealing & its cause theyre obv manifactured to b 'the perfect guy'#like you know how pugs were bred to be cute but end up deformed and stuff? yea kinda like that#im not saying theyre deformed but thats the vibes im getting#deformed pug vibes#the jp vas are pulling thru though#ALSO I AM SO FUCKING TIRED OF GACHA pleaseee i alr play hsr + gi + /occasionally/ pgr and stopppp i hate the gamba aspect of the games#AND IM NOT JUST SAYING THAT BC I DIDNT GET THE CARD I WANT#.................. OKAY SO MAYBE I DIDNT GET WHAT I WANT THE POINT STILL STANDS#i like them (reluctantly) all so far ? idk no one is rlly my fav yet tbf im still at ch. 2 so..#theyre all cute ig zayne is nice maybe i dunno i like his shoulders......? hes very cold tho cause haha ice powers#i call him elsa in my head#xaiver is also nice? hes cute? hes sleepy n shit#rafayel is kinda goofy? aloof? but in the 'she's so crazzzzzzzzzy! i love her!' way (look it up if u dont know) and im not super into that#hes the one whimpering though so it is what it is#overall i think ill keep playing until i get the card i want ill also prolly play it on my laptop instead cause its super laggy on my phone#idk how ill deal with the combat part tho but thats a problem for future me lolol#okay yea idk if anyone is still reading this but i dont want my irls to know that im playing this game so here we r#idk why im using the tags to ramble its way more fun like its more casual i think#OKAY YEA BYE#frambling...?
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my shining stars,,
reblogs>>>>>likes !!
[this is a lot brighter on my screen than it is on other ppls for some reason? sorry abt that☹️☹️]
#BTW pls reblog !! dont just like i will be very very sad#voskhod2#tmnt#rottmnt#rottmnt art#rottmnt fanart#tmnt 2018#rise of the tmnt#I STILL DONT KNOW HOW LIGHT AND COLOUR WORKS RRRHRGHRHRHGHG#peep the jupiter jim poster LMAO#its not very clean but it took me a bit ^__^
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Twinkly Light
Like said not my fav song, but the message people. Brutal. y es un temon igual no me hagan mucho caso 🕺
#I don't know if I can actually put this whole thing here cause... copyright#dont know how this works here in tumblr but lets see#if they put me down after this#remember me this way#wey even the mention of sure there's more white light#this song goes for everyone#im pretty sure Linda is totally straight#still the biggest ally of all#but then I see Linda's face looking at this dragqueen and even I have my doubts#though I understand her#that was literally my face the first time I saw a queen#who am i kidding?#thats my face everytime I see a lipsync#Bob's gets me#we know he loves his dragqueens#and little Genie XD#finally a song about light bulbs#you know it honey#the bleakening#bob's burgers
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banging my head into a wall trying to make friends as a dms guy when everybody else in the world likes talking through posts.
#i know people like it because talking thru posts is like more casual and like a discord server#BUT I HATE DISCORD SERVERS TOO BECAUSE ITS HARD FOR ME TO TALK THERE TOO#im a private guy okay i feel shy having a public conversation... like how i make wiener hug me in my car bc im too shy to do that in public#i love dms... i should make like a public guide on how i show im interested in friendship because my signals never work bc theyre too light#if i follow you that is the equivalent to me kissing you directly on the mouth and begging you to play games with me and its not a joke#if i say i recognize you and dont tell you i hate you then that means i like you#following is a big deal for me because its like how some people are casual about hugs and some arent. im not casual about following#i will like someone and still not follow them. i only follow if i actively am begging to be friends or we already are established friends#i think that when i say acquatiance to most people that is what theyd say a friend is#while when i say friend to most people thats what theyd say close friend is#because i like my acquaintances a lot and would vouch for them and enjoy talking to them when i do#its just i think that when i say acquaintance it gives them the impression i dont enjoy conversing much even though i do#average robooty diary entry post with a bunch of bullshit in the tags
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man ok so you know the spiciness scale on menus that show you how spicy a dish is so you can order based on your tolerance. can we have that for sauces too please
#im being serious btw. the sauce to rice ratio is very important and sacred to me#whenever i eat at home i get to choose how much sauce i can have with my rice because i dont like absolutely dousing it but i still wanna b#able to taste it yanno. i dont do well with slippery/saucy foods and ive given up trying to understand it. it might be a sensory thing#i am so sorry to admit this on the soup website but i cant handle thick/chunky sauces or curry. forgive me#the worst part is that i actually can handle and even enjoy some like caldereta and congee. but its so hard to tell people ill eat this but#not that.. its embarassing because it feels like im making exceptions. which i am!! because its preference!! but alas#but anyway with the sauce scale. i was thinking it would be nice to include a scale for how much sauce you want with a dish#rather than just skirting away from a food because you feel like you cant handle the texture or feel unsure about it#sauce could be adjustable without completely changing the recipe so it would be more like a matter of quantity or serving size#also i feel like i can make cool names for the scale. like “light drizzle” to “sauceageddon”#im asian so when i eat sauce i pair it with rice and it works because the rice kind of cancels out or makes the sauce more tolerable for me#with caldereta i make it an even 50/50 because i can taste it in the rice without the texture getting in the way#but with pasta and sauce its normally 1/3 sauce because the pasta normally isnt enough to cancel it out#i also grew up with relatives making fun of my eating habits and i really really hate eating at restaurants and gatherings because of it#maybe its because they want to make sure im eating right but!! you dont have to call me out for my 1/3 portion of spaghetti sauce!! damn!!!#anyway im not sure if anyone feels the same abt this and maybe its just me. but it would be really nice to have this a normal thing#without judging ppl for their eating habits and preferences. on god#yapping#food ment#EDIT: ASKING FOR SAUCE ON THE SIDE. MY EYES HAVE BEEN OPENED. I DIDNT KNOW THAT WAS A THING
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also like i partially found out i might be intersex because i was looking at trans stuff and there was like "(however many) months on t and finally seeing some bottom growth" and like pictures of t-dicks and i was like.... um.... that's kind of just what my clit looks like anyways. so i was like "hey google give me a quick rundown on this" and learned what clitoromegaly was and then i was like. hm. intersex resources. and it's like a sign? symptom? side-effect? of certain intersex conditions
#i mean like pcos runs in the mums side of my family but i dont have all the symptoms of that#i do also have like. more hair?? than the average afab person#like dark hair on my stomach and chest and back#and my face. whats disappointing about the face hair is that it isnt enough to be able to grow a beard#so i cant even fuck with gender that way#tagging as nsft just because of like genital mention#genital mention#nsft#shoutout to transmascs on t who show their t-dicks on the internet it was really helpful#also i dont know how to describe it but like. my natural face shape is kind of masculine??#like it would be plausible for a cis amab perisex man to have my face without looking feminine#if you get what im saying??#if it sounds like im reinforcing sex or gender essentialism please say i am struggling to find words#unshoutout to the boys in primary school who made fun of me for having hair under my arms and starting a whole decade of insecurity-#-about having hair on my body lmao#for the record i dont think certain face shapes are indicative of gender and all im just going by like. patterns?? in afab vs. amab faces#also not that i think afab vs. amab is the entire categorisation of human sex characteristics but um. working with what vocab i have here#i think what also really kicked it off. was relating to a fair few experiences intersex people have socially#particularly intersex ppl who were afab and faced a lot of pressure to make their bodies conform to feminine beauty standards#and it was like.... oh lol.... my mum did that to me!!#it comes from her own internalised shit bc she has pcos (idk if she identifies as intersex even tho she could if she wanted) but still.#dont project that onto a 10 yr old lmao. she keeps buying me hair removal products#ALSO floored by an experience i have. in which apparently half my friends dont feel pressure to shave their legs#because the hair on their legs is like. light and thin and barely visible and i was like?? huh??#what do you MEAN your legs don't look like your brothers/fathers if you dont shave??#im starting to think they dont shave their arms. their arms might just naturally not have a load of hair#i dont shave my arms though. cannot be bothered with that and also like. why would i do that#also you know that like. happy trail i think its called?? on “men's” stomachs??#yeah i have that naturally yeah thats right im naturally sexy#if you cant tell i am putting “girls” “mens” “boys” “womens” etc. in quotes to indicate that is just the normal society way of saying it
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#i keep having little things in my life that make me go god i want to leave#but like. it wld take too long.#it wouldnt be an immediate change#i would still need to relearn to drive which would take forever bc i hate it#and i would need to look into certs that wld get me employed#or anything that wld get me employed#i know the time will pass anyway but that doesnt work for my brain that has trouble Startin especially when theres no light#at the end of the tunnel. like doing those things wont guarantee me a job so why bother#i get lulled back into well living here isnt so bad i can take it. moving out would be worse. id be alone and i wouldnt#feed myself and id have a job i hated#but then Something Happens and the cycle repeats and im miserable#and i want to leave but how can i. and it would take forever. so ill stay. but it sucks. and i want to leave. but how can i. and it w#talkys#i can take it. but not for much longer. but i can. but i cant. but i have to. but i dont want to. i can. i cant#idk how people Live#my issue is i want to leave Now i want to leave Yesterday.
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hour and a half unpaid overtime I think that's a new record for me. on a day where I was supposed to have no overtime no less. funny how I only have 3 of those this month and the 2 so far I've had to work overtime anyway 👍
#i shouldve left at 4:15. killing myself at work in front of everyone#well im actually not that mad ive been listening to yhe national on loop for the last 6 hours of my shift nothing can touch me#but the disrespect....#my boss came n found me at 4pm and was like hey can u do another round of this assay (<- takes an hour and a half)#and i said no!!!! bc she already gave me too much shit to do i was busy ALL DAY and still ran over like how tf do u expect me to fit MORE#she gave me 1.5 hours to do 14 samples in this one assay where each one takes 15 mins plus 5 mins prep per sample beforehand#so like 20 mins per sample THATS 4 HOURS AND 40 MINUTES and thats assuming no repeats and no troubleshooting!!!#3x the time u scheduled for me... come tf on. i need to make a table of how to calculate how long an assay takes so she stops doing this#rly not that hard just ask me how long i need for it and ill explain it to u#and then i finished up n emailed results n went to go switch lights off in the other lab and shed left samples out for me to book in. GIRL#PLEASE EMAIL ME OR TEAMS ME DONT JUST LEAVE THEM THERE.. u know im working in the main lab ALL DAY#so im not gonna fucking see them!!!! and they need to be refrigerated!!!! next time ill just leave them out overnight and when shes like#why are these samples ruined jts expensive to get more ill be like well u didnt tell me to book them in so.#anyway she moved the other assay to friday n she was annoyed i didnt fit it in earlier but WHERE. WHERE WAS I MEANT TO FIT IT IN!!#also i have 2 separate multi hour assays booked friday already so good luck im out of the door at 4:15 if its not done its not done idc#ughhhh. if the bus is late too im going back to my work and blowing the building up#WHAT. EVER!!!!!!!#.diaries
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my year in fic
big smooches to @oknowkiss (x), @lqtraintracks (x), @maesterchill (x), and @cavendishbutterfly (x) for the challenge to share one line from each fic i wrote this year. it was such a nice way to look back on my year in fic writing! p.s. we are interpreting the word “one line” v loosely here folks
shades of dawn | E, 3k, angsty ginlav
The night after Lavender comes and goes, the moon always appears to be just as full as the night before, but Ginny knows that the smallest part of it is missing.
magpie | T, 4k, klepto harry
Draco thinks Potter might be able to take things from him not just with his hands, but with those eyes alone. He thinks if Potter keeps looking at him this way for long enough, Draco might just offer it all up.
lovesick | T, 13k, healer draco, love potion victim harry
“Maybe I’m a bit tired of all of the swooning and heart eyes and —” of watching you love anyone else. Draco shakes his head. “Forget it.”
ad infinitum | E, 14k, angsty getting-back-together + sentient house
“I love you,” Harry says. “I don’t care about any of it. I love you.”
“I know,” Draco murmurs. “You always did the most idiotic things.”
from the same cloth | T, 8k, t4t idiots to lovers
Draco nods, and Harry realizes his face is stitched with the same nerves that are butterflying through her stomach — and the feeling the two of them are standing side by side on the precipice of something new, and there’s nothing left to do but fall into it.
undergrowth | M, 2.5k, horror + floral pining
Draco worries that Potter’s eyes might carry sunlight, and if they shine on him too long, he’ll have no choice but to grow, and grow, and grow.
the seventh life | E, 18k, vampire!draco & immortal!harry reunited in paris
“Oh, I don’t know,” Draco said. “I only know the times I’ve loved you.”
“How many times has that been?” Harry pushed.
“Since the very first time I met you,” Draco said. “Six lifetimes ago.”
ash, fire, ash | G, 1k, arsonists to lovers
Malfoy tosses the butt of their cigarette into the flames. “They’ll know it’s you doing it eventually.”
“Good,” Harry says. “Then maybe it’ll make them remember my name.”
an emerald in the sky | M, 6k, time traveling fuckbuddies to lovers
There are so many Harrys sitting in front of him right now, so many men he’s met once and then lost, threading their way in and out of his life at the sharp point of a needle. The composite sum of so many strangers, and a single man whom Draco has been fighting, from the very beginning, not to fall in love with.
with hands full of dusk | E, 15k, drarry as mythical creature hunters
But Harry is older now, and has long since learned that doubt and hope are just two shades of the same color.
the night of the fireworks | E, 6k, porn with feelings
Harry’s mind was swirling, still slightly loopy in a post-sex haze. “You love me,” he said. “You said it first.”
“I didn’t say it,” Draco said. “It doesn’t count. Fuck off.”
twelve moons | T, 6k, innkeeper harry & potioneer draco
Draco climbs the first step to the door, and Harry joins him on it, learning immediately that there isn’t space for two, unless you’d like to see the other person up close — the way the glow of the moonlight might be captured on their hair, or on their skin, or in their eyes.
im tagging @teledild0nix, @sorrybutblog, @thehoneybeet, @orange-peony, @moonstruckwytch, @jalesidor, @basicallyahedgehog, @pennygalleon, @the-sinking-ship, @mystickitten42, @geesenoises, @makeitp1nk, and @m0srael if any of you havent been tagged!
#i wrote twelve fics this year!!! dang#i dont even know how many words but suffice to say a lot#and then another like 250k of stuff that is still in the works or will never see the light of day#dam...#2023 is not going to be nearly this prolific#but hopefully ill get some wips finished up!!#op
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croissant wip
update: done!
#tbb#the bad batch#crosshair#cenfitto art tag#wip#crosshair girlies swept on my poll yesterday#dont know if im excited or scared to start colours#in this lighting#also tried to keep that crosshair still has a longer face shape than standard while still having tem features but who knows how successful#i was with that#snzzzzzzzzzzzz much workshoppin to be done but i must acquire my mother from work and also groceries
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