#i should rewatch both episodes to get my brain working again

[expelliarmus]

[hugmekenobi]

Heal

A Bad Batch Post S3 Oneshot

Gif by @barissoffee

Hunter x femaleJedi!reader

Summary: Shaking the effects of Tantiss is easier said than done

Warnings: Literally one use of (Y/N), swearing, hints of Tech/Phee, references to past pain and torture, angst, hurt/comfort, nightmares and trouble sleeping, descriptions of illness (headaches), reader is hard on herself, suggestive dialogue, light PDA (kissing, teasing touches), mentions of food, me making up what everyone is up to on Pabu, fluff and happy ending

Masterlist for S1, S2 and S3

Word Count: 7.2K

Rating: 18+

Author's note: Okay, not gonna lie, I struggled with this one. It was a last minute idea as I was rewatching and writing the final few episodes of season 3 but it worked and felt a lot better in my head and when it came to writing, my brain was not my friend lol. I hope it's still enjoyable! The next oneshot is the story I've had planned for months so that should be a smoother process haha

It had been a few weeks since you’d all taken up official residence in Pabu.

Shep’s offer of setting up homes for you all stayed true.

You and Hunter had been put in a hut perfectly designed for the two of you that was a short walk away from the water and there was even a spare room for Omega who alternated between sleeping in your home and the home Tech, Crosshair and Wrecker all shared.

The three other clones may have been grouped together but there was plenty of room, and not a lot of time was spent indoors anyway.

Wrecker had taken to fishing like, well, like a fish to water.

Crosshair did a bit of everything, helping out with tasks of whoever needed assistance but he mainly he kept up with practicing shooting with his left hand. He wanted the practice, and he genuinely enjoyed it. He didn’t miss being a soldier anymore but that didn’t mean he had to renege on his skills.

Tech spent much of his time with Phee or assisting Shep in rebuilding parts of Pabu that still needed it and upgrading equipment.  

Omega often kept close company with Lyana and the other young reg clones or she went off with Tech to plan out a potential search for lost or salvageable pieces of the Marauder- the two of them had dreams of rebuilding new a ship with as many pieces of their old home as possible. It was yet to be undertaken but the vision was there.

The task of reuniting the children from Tantiss with their families had been successful but with that final mission complete, you and Hunter were also in the same boat as Crosshair and still yet to find your official niche on island. For now, you both were just relishing in the peace and each other’s company.

One thing you had managed to achieve was finding a way to finally get in touch with Lyra again, who- despite being filled in on everything that had happened since you parted ways on Christophsis- still managed to scold you for the lack of communication. But after hearing you all were alive and settled, she’d sent you all packages of more suitable island clothes with promises to visit soon.

Everything was coming together and so you were feeling one with the island life.

However, life here was not without its challenges.

The impact and aftermath of Tantiss remained a constant shadow that would still find ways to rear its ugly head. Something you and Hunter in particular found yourselves dealing with.

--

“I figured we could have the party in the next couple of weeks right here in the colonnade and, I don’t know, you could slip away or…” Shep trailed off as he saw the way Hunter’s brow furrowed in pain.

“Uh huh.” Hunter agreed distantly. He didn’t want to ignore Shep, especially when he was doing him the favour, but fuck had the sun always been this bright? The blinding pain behind his eyes and throbbing in his skull was getting harder to dismiss.  

You were a casual observer and listener to the conversation between the young reg clones and the adult clones that had remained on the island- Deke, Stak and Mox had no shortage of questions for them. But you sensed a rising discomfort and then you caught the way Hunter kept pinching the bridge of his nose and squinting to get away from the glare of the warm sun. “Excuse me.” You politely removed yourself from the conversation and hurriedly walked over to where Shep and Hunter were conversing. “Shep, I’m sorry to interrupt but do you mind if I steal him away for a moment?”

“Not at all.” Shep bid the two of you farewell with a smile.

You lightly rested a hand on his upper arm. “Hunter? Another flare up?” You figured, keeping your worried voice quiet.

Hunter just about managed a nod and said through gritted teeth, “But I can wait it out. Shep-”

He would attempt to come up with an excuse every time and every time you wouldn’t even entertain it. “Come on.” You carefully wrapped an arm around him and guided him back home.

--

You opened the door and carried on through to the bedroom. You gently prompted him to sit on the bed as you knelt down and took his shoes off before you shut the bedroom window to cancel out the noise outside and closed the blinds to keep the sunlight out. You kept your voice low and monotone as you instructed him, “Lie down.”

Hunter did as you said and rested on his back.

The routine was second nature to you. He hadn’t had headaches like this for a while but since Tantiss and because of what he’d suffered there, they’d become more frequent. His senses hadn’t quite readjusted back to what they used to be.

You moved silently throughout the house as you went to the freezer and came back with the cold compress you stored specifically for these moments and placed it over his eyes. “I’ll just be in the living room if you need anything. Try to sleep.” You whispered caringly before you lightly squeezed his hand and made to leave. However, you had barely stepped away from the bed when Hunter’s hand caught your wrist.

“Stay.” He requested through a wince.

“I don’t want to overwhelm you.” You cautioned quietly. You had remained a couple times before, but it had never been a certainty that he wanted you to stay when he was going through this. You always waited for him to give the okay.

“You can’t.” He murmured. He needed you here to ground him in a way the usual methods could never do.

You removed your own shoes and supported his back as you sat him up and slotted yourself behind him.

Hunter rested his head against your chest.

You readjusted the compress slightly once you were both in a comfortable position. “This okay?” You asked as you softly massaged each of his temples.

Hunter let out a tranquil sigh and he could already feel the discomfort receding. You always knew just what it was he needed from you in these moments. “Perfect.”

--

Hunter wasn’t the only one still feeling the lingering toil of Tantiss. Your screams of terror and the way you thrashed next to him woke him up. He called your name and shook your arm to wake you up. “Hey, hey. Easy, easy. It’s alright.” He assured you as he saw your eyes widen in fear.

You shot awake and hastily sat up, your breathing hard and uneven.

“You’re okay. I’m here.” Hunter whispered soothingly as he sat up alongside you.

You closed your eyes and let his voice be the only thing you focused on.

“You’re alright. It was a bad dream.”

Right yes, a bad dream.

“Hold on.” Hunter pressed his lips to your clothed shoulder before he got out of bed and ran a cloth under some cold water.

You worked on getting your breathing back under control. You ran a hand over your face and felt the beads of sweat dripping down your temples and down your neck and back. Your sleep top was sticking to you uncomfortably. But you forced yourself to concentrate on anything that didn’t remind you of the nightmare you’d just escaped. You took in your secure and familiar surroundings of your bedroom to calm yourself down. You weren’t back there. You were on Pabu with Hunter. You were safe here.  

Hunter slid back in bed beside you. “Arms up.” He prompted delicately. When you did that, he carefully removed your sweat soaked top and tossed it to the side of the bed– he’d deal with it in the morning- and placed the cool cloth to the back of your neck and spine before he tenderly dabbed at your temples. He then put a replacement top back over your head and continued to press the flannel around your forehead and neck.

“I’m sorry.” You rasped as you hid your face in your palms in embarrassment. You hated this. He would already have tough days and you couldn’t even offer him any relief in the evenings. The two of you had gotten into a rather unfortunate ritual where you would comfort him during the day and then the roles would switch as soon as night fell.

“You’ve nothing to be sorry for.” Hunter reassured you lovingly. He placed the cloth on the bedside table and rubbed his hand up and down your back to ease away the lingering tension and to help settle you back down. “Same one?” He guessed.

You nodded but kept your face hidden from him. “I’m just standing there. I’m watching him hurt you over and over again and I’m not doing anything to stop it.” You said, your voice cracking with each word. “Then he goes to the rest of you- to Omega. I’m completely frozen and all I can do is watch you all writhe in pain. I keep fighting to move but nothing happens. I’m just so useless and I stand by and let it happen. You’re crying out for help, and I just stand there.” You whispered with plenty of self-loathing behind your words.

Hunter shushed you consolingly. “But that’s not what happened. It’s just the nightmare talking.”

“Is it? Because it feels an awful lot like that’s what I did.” You said with self-directed disgust.

““You didn’t do nothing. You didn’t give up. You did what you thought you needed to do to get us out of there alive.” Hunter reminded you.

“Imprisoned.” You corrected.

“Alive.” Hunter countered.

You knew there was no sense in arguing with him over it. “I should be over this by now. I coped after Christophsis. I don’t know why this is sticking with me so much.” You said critically instead.

Hunter was all too familiar with this line of argument. As soon as you admitted to the nightmare and the fear it brought, you started looking for ways to berate yourself for feeling the way you were. “You couldn’t process Christophsis on your own time. You were in a position where you were forced to carry on. And I don’t think going through and being impacted by torture has a time requirement.”

You finally half-turned to face him. “Do you really believe that?”

The doubt in your voice made his throat constrict and chest tighten. “I know it.”

“But dealing with this is annoying.” You mumbled self-consciously and you averted your gaze once more.

“Do you get annoyed when you’ve needed to help me?”

You lifted your eyes back to him. “No, of course not.”

“Exactly. You help me through those episodes. Why do you think I’d treat you any differently?” He rubbed his thumb along your cheekbone. “You still need to give yourself the same treatment you give other people.” He said caringly.

You leaned your head against Hunter’s shoulder and just gave a series of reluctant but agreeable noises to signal your acceptance of his statement.

“You’re talking to me though. That counts for something.” Hunter praised, angling his head so he could kiss your forehead.

“Yeah, I’m a work in progress.” You managed to say with some light-heartedness before your voice went solemn again. “Just don’t give up on me… please.”

“Never.” Hunter promised with steadfast seriousness.

Your eyes flickered shut and you snuggled closer to him as he ran his hand up and down your arm in soft, delicate patterns.

“Want to sleeping try again?” He suggested after he felt your breathing and pulse settle back down.

You gulped but agreed to give sleep another go. “Okay.” You laid back down readjusted the covers you had kicked off in your sleep-panicked state. You breathed deeply as you closed your eyes and willed yourself to at least get a couple uninterrupted hours. But the darker part of your nightmare, the part you couldn’t vocalise, lingered with you and you didn’t know how to get past it.

Hunter wrapped his arm around your side and pulled your back tight to his chest, but despite all you opened up about, he knew you were holding something back. It was the same every night and he knew sleep would continue to elude you.

--

This new day was nearly over. Dusk had come and gone but the concept of night and sleep filled you with a deep anxiety. You needed to clear your head before you even thought about winding down for the night. “I’m going for a walk; I’ll be back soon.” You said, giving Hunter a chaste kiss to his lips before you exited your home.

Hunter gave you a slight smile as you parted from him, and he could only watch you leave. He had never felt so helpless.

He knew he couldn’t quite help you in the way you needed but there might be someone else who could.

--

“Hey there, Hunter.” Phee greeted cheerily as she opened the door to greet the clone.

“I’m not interrupting anything am I?” Hunter asked apologetically.

Phee rolled her eyes, “Pfftt no way. He’s been at this for hours, if you can get his attention onto something else, be my guest.”  She led him through to the living room.

Tech grunted his greeting as he sought out the tool that he needed for the task he was completing for Shep. The island had a healer- Dalia, but she mainly operated out of her home because, until recently, that suited just fine. But when the attack on Pabu occurred, Shep and Dalia had found themselves ill-prepared for accommodating the seriousness of the injuries that followed so Tech was assisting in expanding and updating her equipment and resources. AZ was already a big help with that, but more was needing done. It was a longer but important project that Tech was taking very seriously.

 “Sorry about the mess.” Phee said with an annoyed yet affectionate stare in Tech’s direction, but she was not surprised when the clone did not appear to even register that she’d spoken. She had stopped trying to get Tech to tidy as he went about altering this latest piece of machinery since he’d insistently claimed there was an order to the chaos around him. The entire area in which he was working was covered with random tools and intricate pieces of machinery. Phee struggled to see how this all equalled a system since all she saw was an array random pieces of metal taking up her living room floor. It didn’t truly bother her though; it was just another quirk she was fond off. Her appreciation for his intelligence and passion outweighed a little untidiness.

“Don’t worry, it’s something I’m very used to.” Hunter said lightly as he carefully stepped over some discarded screws.

“Sit down.” Phee encouraged, gesturing to a spare chair as she took a seat on the couch across from where Tech was working in the middle of the floor. But when Hunter made no move to do so, Phee properly looked at him and she noticed the distant and slightly nervous expression Hunter donned. “Everything alright?”

“I need your help, Tech.” Hunter said in answer.

Tech spoke for the first time since Hunter arrived as he found the spanner he needed, “I’m not yet finished with this. Once I’m done-”

“I don’t need you to fix anything, Tech. It’s about (Y/N). She’s struggling right now and-”

“Well, we know that she has a habit of taking things on by herself. A habit both of you have shared for quite a while.” Tech said plainly, not taking his eyes off the medical equipment he was fixing up. “I wouldn’t take her refusal or dismissals personally.”

Hunter bit back his frustrated huff. He knew attempting to get his brother’s focus when he was so absorbed by a project was always going to be challenging. He went to speak again but Phee beat him to it.

Enough was enough. Phee firmly nudged Tech’s good thigh with her boot, “Would you stop playing around with that and actually pay attention to what he has to say?”

Tech snapped out of his intense concentration. “Right, yes. Sorry, Hunter.” He started officially packing up. Once he was done, he gave his brother his full attention and it was then that he saw the genuine worry on Hunter’s face which told him it was more important than any mechanical repair. “What’s going on with her?”

“She keeps having nightmares from her capture on Tantiss. I can’t remember the last time she slept through the night.” Hunter took a ragged breath. “And it’s not like she’s keeping them to herself and that’s why they’re so bad. She’s doing everything we’ve worked on. She talks to me; she lets me in and help her, but I know there’s something else she’s keeping hidden. And it’s because she knows I can’t offer her the right words, or she wants to protect me from whatever it is she’s not telling me. I’m stuck and she’s not getting any better and I can’t offer her anything more than what I’m currently doing.”

“So, how exactly can I help?” Tech asked, rather puzzled as to why his brother had come to him with this dilemma. He wasn’t exactly known for providing helpful assistance for this type of issue. It wasn’t that he never wanted to, it just always didn’t come easily to him and usually you and Hunter would always be able to work through it yourselves.

Hunter began tentatively, “Y-your experiences were- were similar. I’d thought about Crosshair but what he went through was a bit different and from what you’ve told us, it sounds closer to what she’s been through. I hate to ask it of you but-”

“Where is she?” Tech asked, getting to his feet.

“If you’re not comfortable doing this I understand. It’s a lot to talk about and-”

“Hunter, just tell me where she is.” Tech interrupted with a firm reassurance to show that he truly didn’t mind.

“Down by the shore.” Hunter told him through a grateful sigh.  

Tech nodded and got ready to leave for the beach.

--

You breathed in the fresh and clean sea air, a gentle breeze wafted through your hair. The moonlight cast the water and sand in a luminous white glow. It offered you a peace you were yet to find in your own mind. The faint but demanding whines of the hound you’d acquired on your walk down had you smiling to yourself as you focused on the sounds of the waves lapping on the shore.

Tech saw you seated on the sand, Batcher waiting for you to throw a stick for her. “Did you know that gravity and the gravitational pull of the moon creates a phenomenon called tidal force, which is what causes the ocean tides to change?”

“I mean… I knew it was something like that.” You straightened your shoulders and managed a tight smile in his direction. “Hey, Tech.” You hoped you didn’t sound as exhausted as you felt.

Tech picked up on the heaviness in your voice despite your attempts to conceal it. “Also, did you know that water absorbs the red light of the colour spectrum, leaving the blue for us to see.” He added as he threw the stick for the hound.

You hummed out your acceptance of the fact as a reply whilst Batcher returned the stick but- after greeting Tech- decided she’d had enough and curled up beside you. “You didn’t come here to share ocean facts, Tech.” You said after a moment. “What’s going on?”

“You’re right. I have another purpose in joining you.” Tech admitted as he sat down on your other side.

“Which is?” You asked leadingly.

“Hunter asked me to. He’s worried about you.” He gave you a chance to speak but you offered nothing, so he carried on, “From what I hear, you’re having difficulty sleeping due to nightmares. They are based around your confinement on Tantiss?”

You cleared your throat to buy yourself some time before you answered, “Yeah.” You brought your knees to your chest.

“Can you tell me more? Whatever you’re comfortable sharing is fine.”

You breathed deeply and peered up at the starry night sky. “Well, you know about Christophsis.”

Tech nodded. That was something he’d been told about on the shuttle back.

“Tantiss… Tantiss was different. I took beatings but they were a treat compared to that fucking droid. Hemlock did a much better job of getting the most out of that damn serum. It got harder and harder to fight it. He knew exactly what buttons to push.”

“I’m afraid I had a helping hand in that.” Tech said sheepishly.

You placed your hand on his shoulder. “I don’t blame you, Tech. Not at all.” You reassured him earnestly.

“Regardless, his methods would’ve been that effective because I told him what would work.”

You patted his shoulder to indicate that you really didn’t hold any of that period against him before you removed it and placed it back across your bent legs. You surprisingly found that you kept wanting to talk so you carried on, “I’d never be able to ignore him, he’d always be able to get in my head so, instead, I’d would look for things to take me out of it.”

“A reasonable response.” Tech agreed. The times when he’d resisted, he’d acted similarly.

You felt irritation rise in you. You’d been weak, how could he not see that? “He told me you were alive, and I used it as a way to keep pushing back against him. Omega didn’t doubt it and she only heard him say it once.”

Hunter had warned him about this before he’d left. He expected you to say things designed to make him reprimand you instead of sympathising with you. The part of ‘no emotion’ element of the Jedi Code was deeply engrained in you. Despite your affinity for handling attachment and genuine love for them, when it came to your own emotions, you had gotten a bit too good at supressing or dismissing them. “Years fighting in a war has a way of creating a certain cynicism- or realism- depending on your point of view. It helps with survival and enduring each battle. I may have gotten out of it but even I have to admit that the odds were slim. I called out the plan. I knew what I was doing, I didn’t expect to live, and I didn’t expect you all to assume that I had.” Tech easily explained away the argument. “I’m grateful for Omega’s optimism and hope- it is a wonderful quality of hers and it got me out of there and brought me back to you all-, but I never expected you to believe I lived.”

You couldn’t accept the fact that the people around you were okay with how you’d acted. Every night was a painful reminder of how you’d failed them. “What I don’t understand is why Tantiss is still affecting me in this way. I got over Christophsis just fine.”

“No, you didn’t process Christophsis. You were thrown into mission after mission and were left with no choice but to keep going. It is highly plausible that Hemlock’s own similar torture was harder to get through because it was a reminder of a traumatic time that you’d already experienced but not healed from. Plus, I don’t believe feeling the effects of torture has a time requirement.”

You sighed heavily, “You’re the second person to tell me all that.”

“Does that not tell you something?” Tech prodded but he did it gently.

“I guess.” You said through a weary sigh as you ran your hands through the sand to distract yourself. “I handed myself over to Hemlock though. I gave up.”

“The guilt you’re experiencing over agreeing to Hemlock’s terms is natural. You-”

“It wasn’t guilt. Not wholly.” You said, your voice so quiet it barely registered over the rhythmic lull of the waves.

Tech glanced at you in surprise, but you were keeping your head down, stroking Batcher’s snout- the dog seemed to sense your distress and had nuzzled closer to you. He allowed the silence to grow as he patiently awaited further explanation from you.  

You swallowed thickly as you went to speak again. “I was relieved.” You admitted, it was the first time you’d ever said the words out loud, and you instantly wished you could take them back. You wrapped your arms around yourself as you awaited the disappointed and shameful remarks from Tech.

“What were you relieved about?” Tech asked calmly.

That hadn’t been the response you were expecting. “Um-” You searched for the words to answer him. “When I was-” You broke off and started again and you found yourself being more honest than you’d anticipated. “When I was in that training room watching Hunter be tortured and I heard Hemlock say that he was going to do the same conditioning to Crosshair again and to Wrecker too… I gave him what he wanted. Throughout my time there, he wanted me to join him and that’s what I was prepared to do. But as I said it, there was a sense of relief. Finally, I could stop fighting him. The torture he put me through would end. And in the dream- nightmare- I keep having, as much as I hate what’s happening, part of why I can’t move to help any of you is because I’m just relived it isn’t me.” You visibly tensed as you finished speaking. Saying that last part out loud caused you physical pain and your stomach churned nervously as you waited for judgement. There had been a reason you couldn’t share this with Hunter. It sounded so selfish, so pathetic.

“I understand that.”

You angled your head to face him. It was your turn to wait for him to talk.

Tech took a grounding breath before he elaborated, “In my time imprisoned there, Hemlock wanted to know all he could about you all. He knew there would be a time where he’d have to face you all again. I didn’t quite experience the same beatings you took; it was always psychological. But whenever I showed willing to give him information, all I felt in that moment was a profound relief that the torment and pain would end. Granted, that swiftly became guilt as soon as he left but I couldn’t deny the respite those few minutes of me telling him about you all gave me. Now, did you only feel relief at it being over? Or was it relief that you could join him and do his bidding?”

You thought back to that time and realised what he was getting at. “No, it was because I knew if I gave him what he wanted, then at least they wouldn’t have to go through any more agony. At the time, imprisonment felt like the better option than becoming one of his operatives and experiencing that level of hurt.”

“Precisely. Your sleep is being haunted by the worst outcome. It’s praying on the flash of relief you felt and twisting it into something more than what it was. If you accept what happened and stop fighting it, it loses its power. You didn’t do anything wrong, you acted how you needed to. The only person that has the power to blame you is yourself. No one here does, sometimes it just helps to hear it out loud once in a while and it’s true. You resisted him for as long as you physically could. Those circumstances would’ve cracked anyone.”

You looked at him thoughtfully. “Is that how you did it?” You asked quietly.

“Well, I didn’t. Not always.” Tech reminded you, assuming you were referring to how he resisted Hemlock’s torment.

“No.” You released another deep sigh. “You seem to have settled here. You’re coping with it, and you were there for a long time.”

“I was in hell on Tantiss but not so much anymore. Being reunited with you all has really helped. Though I think if I had to watch any of them get hurt the way you had to, it would be different.” As he spoke, Tech realised why Hunter had come to him for this. He was sharing this part of him with you because he knew you were the only one that would truly get it. There was no worry of judgement, no worries of saying something too jarring. You would understand him just as he understood you. “I’ve accepted what happened to me and how I reacted to it but you’re the only one that knows those particular details of my experience. Phee and my brothers do not. Family helps with some of the burden but until you’ve had the unfortunate time of living it, their support can only do so much. We need each other it would seem.” Tech said with a kind look in your direction.

You widened your eyes at his openness. You were incredibly touched by that, and you didn’t take the lightly. “Thank you, Tech.”

“You asked a question, I merely answered.”

You shot him a look, “That’s not the only thing I’m thanking you for.” After speaking to him and fully unburdening yourself to someone who could only understand where you were coming from without the worry of saying the wrong thing or being too much, you felt like a weight had been lifted off your chest. You weren’t plagued by all the horrible and conflicting feelings that had followed you since Tantiss. You could breathe. You were free. You gently squeezed his hand as you said, “Thank you for what you’ve done tonight. For all of it.”

Tech shrugged off the thanks but smiled at you all the same. “We’re family, it’s what we do.”

--

You walked through the door to your home and took your shoes off.

Hunter walked out of the bedroom as he heard you come through the door. “Hey, how was your walk?”

You didn’t answer immediately. Instead, you just drank him in. You took in the way he leaned against the doorway, the book he was reading dangling from his hand. The way the soft linens of his sleep clothes framed his body. The way he’d still kept and worn the necklace you’d given him all that time ago. And the way he was looking at you with such deep care and affection, it made your heart clench and emotions clog up in your throat- you didn’t trust yourself to speak.

Hunter took your silence for upset. “I had to tell him. I thought-” But he didn’t get to finish his sentence as you strode towards him and embraced him.

You hugged him tightly. “Thank you.” You whispered.

Dropping his book and wrapping his arms around you instantly, Hunter rested his cheek on top of your head. He didn’t need or expect you to share the details of the conversation with Tech, he’d realised that you needed a different kind of comfort and that was okay. All that mattered to him was that it helped you.

You let the warmth of his soothing hold flow through your body, and you kept your voice hushed as you said, “I want you to know that it’s not that I didn’t want to tell you it all.”

“I know.” Hunter replied softly as he caringly caressed your back. He would not break away until you wanted to.

You pressed your face into the crook of his shoulder. Even though he had sent Tech your way, you didn’t want him to feel like he’d let you down or anything along that vein. “You did everything right. I needed you there… I still need you there. I can’t get through it without you but…” The words to describe just what it was Tech gifted you got lost and you frantically searched for them so he would know why you hadn’t just come to him with it.

The last thing Hunter needed or wanted was you feeling like you had to reassure him on the issue. “Sweetheart, all I wanted was for this to get easier for you. I know that there are emotions and parts of that experience on Tantiss that I will never fully understand- as much as that kills me, I wish none of it had happened to you or Tech in the first place but that doesn’t change the fact that it did. You needed more than a shoulder to lean on, and if Tech gave you that, then that’s all that matters to me. I won’t stop being there, whatever it is you need, I’m here.”

The wave of emotion came rushing back and tears threatened to spill from your eyes, and you found yourself pressing yourself tighter to him still so there were absolutely no gaps between you. “Thank you for not giving up on me.”

“I love you, giving up is never an option.” Hunter murmured as he kissed the crown of your head.

“I love you too.” You croaked as you fought through the lump in your throat.

You stayed like that for a couple more minutes before you finally pulled away.

Hunter wiped away a few stray tears that had escaped your eyes. “Fancy an early night?”

“Yeah.” You said through a deep exhale as the exhaustion you’d been fighting with came crashing into you. “That sounds good.”

--

3 weeks later.

“How’s your pain? Anymore headaches?” You asked Hunter as the two of you wandered arm in arm through the main square. You had been keeping a watchful eye in the time that had passed but he hadn’t had any bad episodes of late.

“Everything feels back to normal.” Hunter replied. “And you? How are you sleeping these days?” From what he could tell, you were sleeping through the night but that didn’t necessarily mean they weren’t still there.

“No nightmares at all.” You said with a relieved sigh. The weight of what you’d endured was no longer keeping you down. It had no control over you anymore. You’d thrown yourself back into mediating again and that also seemed to help a lot.

You both walked in easy silence, smiling at the clones from Tantiss who had stayed and at the merchants shouting out enticing deals and offerings from their stalls as you passed by.  

“Although, there’s one thing I need…”

You glanced at him expectantly.

“Can you try it now? I should be fine.”

You hadn’t done it since settling down here in case it was too much. “You’re sure?” You double checked.

Hunter nodded. It was the final step to the normality that he craved.

You both paused and headed over to the side walkway of the colonnade that offered shelter from the open area. You reached out into his familiar Force signature, the connection you formed with it giving you an extra sense of security and warmth. How does this feel?

Hunter closed his eyes and breathed out a serene sigh as he heard your voice in his head, but it felt like everything finally clicked back into place. Then, he felt the gentle press of your lips against his. He reacted automatically and placed his hands on your waist as he returned the embrace.

“What was that for?” He whispered against your lips as you parted.

“It’s part of the check up process.” You murmured before you took half a step back to look at him properly, but you kept your arms looped around his neck so that he was still close to you.

Hunter gave you a fond smile. “Ah, of course.” He sweetly stroked his thumb along your jawline.

You shut your eyes and leaned into his touch.

“Are you happy?” Hunter asked after a few beats of silence.

You dropped your arms and looked at him in surprise. “Yes, of course I am!” You looked at him, worry furrowing across your brow. “What brought that on?”

Hunter awkwardly ran a hand through his hair. “I know things haven’t been easy since we arrived here. It didn’t get off to the peaceful start that I’d hoped for. I just want to make sure it’s still what you want and that you’re definitely feeling better.”

You were caught off guard by the emotions that caught in your throat. What did you do to deserve such a man? “I am very content and happy here; Hunter.” You took a hold of each of his hands. “I’m very content and happy being here with you.” You let out a faint, slightly embarrassed laugh, “I am very much in love with you, you silly man. Every day that I wake up beside you, every day that I get to come home to you and every day I just get to be around you is a day that reminds me that how lucky I am.” You removed your hands and lightly followed the lines of his face tattoo. “Are you happy?”

“Completely.” Hunter murmured as his eyes fluttered shut as he fell completely complaint under your touch.

“Good. Settling down here is what exactly what I want, things just weren’t settling down as quickly as I would’ve liked but it’s different now. We’re both doing much better, it’s a good thing.” You kissed his cheek and delicately brushed your fingers through the shorter strands of hair at the front of his head. I love you, that’s never changed, and it never will. Does that about cover everything?

“Almost.” Hunter said huskily as his own love for you overcame him.

Before you could question what he meant, he tugged you in tight to him and kissed you passionately. You felt him cradle the hinge of your jaw, silently asking permission to deepen the kiss and you granted him access without a second thought. You tangled your fingers in his hair and pressed yourself close to him. You allowed yourself a few minutes to just get lost in the pleasure he was giving you, but you remembered where you were and with a groan, you withdrew from his embrace.

It hurt you to pull away and from the way Hunter just insistently pushed you back against the stone column and carried on kissing and raking his teeth along your neck, he wasn’t impressed with stopping either. “We- we came here for groceries.” You hummed distractedly as you found yourself titling your head to give him easier access.

“So, we’ll get them tomorrow.” Hunter responded simply as he kissed behind your ear and brushed his fingers under your shirt and along the soft skin of your stomach.

“We have- have no f- food and-” You attempted to protest but now his mouth was doing wonderful things along your pulse point that was making you feel very lightheaded.

“That’s fine. What I’m in the mood for, only you can give me.” Hunter teasingly dipped his fingers just under the waistband of your leggings.

You forced yourself to get a grip before you were too far gone. “Get off.” You playfully shoved at his chest with an exasperated shake of your head.

Hunter inclined his head in surrender, “How about you shop, and I meet you at home?” He offered as he stopped his teasing and removed himself from you.

“Is this your bizarre way of just wanting to get out of a chore?” You joked, crossing your arms and feigning irritation.

“No, I just think that if I stay, we’re going to wind up getting done for public indecency and it would be entirely my fault.”

Despite his admission, you still saw a faint but lustful glint in his eyes and you knew he was envisioning precisely what would happen if the two of you remained by this column. And you knew both of you would decide it was worth the risk. You gulped as you hastily said before you lost control of yourself, “I’ll see you at home.”

Hunter released a low chuckle before he kissed you softly once more, the promise of what was to come still lingered behind the action despite his best attempts to keep it brief.

You took a few hesitant steps away him and then gathered yourself and went about your task- your walk brisker than before.

--

Hunter watched you before he moved out from the shelter of the pillar. He spotted Omega sitting with Lyana by the Maya tree. He called over to her.

“What’s up?” Omega asked breezily as she jogged over to him.

“Can you round up the boys and meet me at home? I’ll get Echo on comms.”

“How come?” Omega asked curiously.

“There’s a mission I’m gonna need all your help with. But it needs to just be the five of us.” He indicated to where you were making a purchase. “Think you can get Lyana to delay her return?”

“A mission? Then why can’t-” An excited gasp left her as she saw the silent but confirming look that Hunter gave her. They’d all been eagerly waiting for this. “Yes! I’m on it!” She sprinted off back to Lyana, chaotically relaying the instructions before she ran go find the others.

Hunter laughed to himself as he saw her enthusiastic departure before he hustled off back home and readied the comm channel for Echo. It didn’t take long for the clone to answer.

“You better be calling for the reason I hope you’re calling for.” Echo said by way of greeting.

“Think you can help me out?” Hunter replied with a validatory nod at the holoimage of Echo and he saw the way Echo’s shoulders lifted as he realised it was finally going to happen. Hunter had talked to them all about it in the days after arriving on Pabu and it had been met with an enthusiastic yet somehow still teasing response. It reminded him of how he felt back before the two of you officially got together, with the others just waiting for it to happen. He’d wanted to do it sooner, but your circumstances changed, and so he wanted to wait until both of you were recovered. And, whilst they’d all accepted his decision to hold off, they had been impatient for this day for both genuine well-being purposes but also because they wanted it for the two of you- his family were very supportive and insistent on him doing this. With things faring better, he felt comfortable doing it now. “I don’t want to take you away from anything urgent or-”

“Name it!” Echo said with a pleased smile.

Before he could get into what he needed Echo to do, he heard the door open. Hunter half-turned to see the crowd of eager and motivated faces made up of Omega and his brothers.  

All of them gathered round him and Echo’s hologram.

Hunter took a deep inhale and exhale. In a strange way, this was going to be one of the most important yet daunting missions he’d undertaken. “Alright, we don’t have long before she gets home. Here’s what I need…”

Tagging: @noeasyisnoisy, @notgonnaedit, @arctrooper69, @andreaaxy, @dominoeffectsworld, @allthingsimagines , @nightmonkeysstuff , @jellybeanstacey0519 , @callsign-denmark , @superbookishhufflepuff , @qvnthesia @justsomerandompersonintheworld

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[jennilah]

a very dumb deep dive

gather round, i saw a few people say they want to crawl into the head of someone who had trouble telling Hoffman and Strahm apart upon first viewing. I offer mine for the picking because i think ive identified, at least in MY personal experience, the various elements that came together that formed the ultimate confusion

if this is not relatable nor informative, i hope it is at least a little silly. this is all in good fun and obviously the difference between them is clear as day to me now

this will be longer than it should be.

PRECURSOR POINT NUMBER ONE...

I do not remember character names. Not until they are recurring, or I've rewatched a film a few times. Sometimes it will take me an entire 12-21 episode season length for me to know characters by name in a show. I've seen some Saw films more than 6 times now and I still don't know everyone in the traps 🤷‍♀️

PRECURSOR POINT NUMBER TWO..

at the time of watching Saw IV for the first time, the madness has not yet set in for Hoffman and Strahm for me. In fact, I didn't like either of them. I wasn't looking at them with my deranged eyes yet.

Without my crazy brain activated, sometimes I'll get face blindness between people who have similar enough hair and stuff. I'll use clothes as an identifier if I can

Meaning, I didn't notice anything like face details, mannerisms, body shapes- to me, it was one dark haired white guy in a suit and another dark haired white guy in a suit who both worked in law enforcement.

uh oh

PRECURSOR POINT NUMBER THREE..

in a very elaborate plot like this with many interwoven stories being told, especially with police procedure, has a lot of details that get lost on me upon first watch because I simply easily misunderstand what is happening. I zone out on stuff like legal talk because I don't know that world at all, and the more general plot information to absorb, the more I forget.

"But [character] SAYS..!" oh, I'm aware! If you pay attention and can remember character names, everything is pretty clear in this movie!

so between all three points, you see where I'm starting to go with this.

THAT BRINGS US TO..

Saw IV. let me describe to you what I believe my thought process was to the best of my memory.

This guy shows up. as far as I knew, this was the first time I've met this character. I forgot he was in Saw III because he was only in it for a second and I definitely don't remember him among the sea of other characters.

ok. sure. new detective because the others are dead. got it 👌

next time we see him is a few minutes later, now in this lighting. I don't have his features memorized yet. I'm pretty sure I put it together that it was the same guy as before, and I see he's in a new outfit.

keep in mind he is not at all referred to with a NAME yet, until Perez shows up and introduces all three of them at the same time

here comes "Strahm," as he was quickly introduced in practically the same breath, from the FBI. and he looks like this.

I mentally go "ok FBI guy in the suit" because my occasional bout of face blindness is activating rn. The problems are on the horizon for me

I survived that scene, but the scene right after? I'm doomed.

Major Confusion #1:

this treacherous interrogation footage, ft Hoffman's ass and slutty, slutty suspenders (but I did NOT give him even a second glance here yet. genuinely.)

I'm 100% sure I just didn't know who I was looking at in this footage at all just because of the outfit change

and then the boys are back in town. and they're BOTH WEARING THIS...

This was mean. this was fucked. I was doomed. My brain is already churning trying to keep up with what the footage was, now there's two dark haired white men in dark suits. Who was who again? I think the guy who just turned off the TV was the new detective. The guy who was talking to the Swat guy before. Yeah....

Major Confusion #2:

Next time we see them, Strahm and Perez are watching the interrogation footage. They quickly start talking Jigsaw stuff and my mind is already working overtime figuring out what information is and isn't important to hold on to.

Hoffman says hello for like 1 minute and then fucks off.

My brain is going "ok.. that footage was an old interrogation... mhm..."

this is the information my brain has decided to retain from that scene for later.

Major Confusion #3

this dark haired white guy in a suit got kidnapped idfk. the shots are all very short and he's enshrouded in shadow or SUPER close-up, and I don't know to recognize him by his lips yet. clearly Im more focused on his hair color and suit, so this could be fuckin anyone

Perez said something about officers being in danger earlier, I think I thought maybe it was irony and the cocky FBI guy was the one who got kidnapped instead? i dont know.

then after the first test of Rigg's game, you see Perez and Strahm again for a SECOND. I def didn't pay them much attention. My mind is elsewhere- the insanity of the previous scene

Major Confusion #4:

then FINALLY... we see Hoffman again in the slut chair

and what have we learned about me so far?

let me sum up my logic for you

Now, if only I was certain on their names..

I'm not going to go over every single scene, but I guarantee you, the confusion was fully set in by this point. That detective from the beginning either really just went home, or he was working with Perez. Or maybe it's the FBI guy and someone else is in the chair? No idea.

My brain retained that one slightly misguided bit of information from the interrogation footage and thought This Guy, Whoever This Guy Is, was interrogating Jill a second time. (Wrong.)

there was no memory of the guy's big ass in that footage or anything. that was also way the fuck in the intro and there was a LOT more that happened between then and now in the movie to remember now. and people really don't say each other's names that often.

Yeah there's also that flashback footage showing The Guy In the Chair and Rigg back in the day, but I was too far gone. That was simply the story of how That Guy and Art Blanc knew each other.

and boy does Chair Guy not do much for the rest of the movie, so there was not much more info about his identity that I could try to work out. Maybe he was just some new random guy meant to die in someone else's game because he is kind of a dirty cop?

Pretty sure I was resigned to the fact that I was watching completely utterly confused by the third act.

then fucking JEFF DENLON shows up and i remember either mentally or physically throwing my hands up like "ok now i REALLY dont know whats going on"

I remember I was still excited by the thrill of it, just completely lost as to who was who and what the fuck was going on.

as Eric Matthews was yelling "WHO'S COMING THROUGH THAT DOOR?" i remember going "I DONT KNOW, MAN!!!!!!"

The Grand Clear-up:

THE REVEAL.

Through the power of the Hello Zepp reveal montage, I finally understood "OHHHH YOU'RE THE DETECTIVE FROM THE BEGINNING!!!"

i had other confusions that i eventually worked out, but I went into Saw V much more clear on who was who. There was Hoffman the evil detective, and Strahm the jerk FBI guy (who I then softened up to throughout V, no longer thinking he was a jerk)

and, if I couldn't physically tell who was on screen because I still struggled a little bit with that... I looked for Strahm's bandage :)

and thats my story lmao...

anyway finding out just how many other people mixed them up or confused them or couldn't tell them apart makes me feel so validated thank u. i understand u

[misty--nights]

And finally, episode 8. This rewatch has been fun. It really forced me to pay attention to the details and I’ve found so many interesting thing I’d missed before. I think by now it’s more than safe to say that this has become one of my absolute favorite shows, and I can’t wait for my brain to insist I should watch it yet again.

Edwin's reaction feels so fair to me. I also did a double take the first time I saw Crystal swallow the memories. Love that Charles is trying to be supportive and stuff, but I agree with Edwin on this one. Those things are so big, how is your first instinct to swallow then whole?

Charles' face when Crystal is explaining her name is kind of similar to the one he has in episode 3 and 5 when Niko is doing something amusing. It's a mixture of endeared and a little baffled that I find so charming

Can Esther understand Monty in crow form or is she just pretending to have conversations with him like how you do with pets? Honestly, I'm not sure which one would be better. Both options have a lot of potential

Someone please give Crystal a hug. Or two. The way her voice breaks when she's talking to her parents, how her eyes get dimmer and dimmer the more she realizes that they suck and didn't miss her, how she sounds when she tells the boys about it, ugh. It breaks my heart

Back to another intro detail, but doesn't the surface of the mirror the skelletons go through kind of look like the mirror Charles sees himself in in episode 7. Like the frame is different, but the surface with the grid lines reminds me of the one in hell

I love the rooftop scene so much. Edwin and Niko have such a precious friendship and I wish we had even more of them interacting. Now I know I've seen people mention how Edwin is so comfortable with Niko's touch and how ge lets her cuddle up to him in that scene. But also, up until this point we haven't seen him truly iniciate touch with others (besides Charles) but he bumps Niko's shoulder when he's joking about Monty and offers her his hand to take. I just think that's neat

Crystal looks tiny next to Niko when they're talking to Jenny

"The whole thing was such a mystery" and "no rest for the wicked". The tone the officer uses for these lines? Chilling. I'm telling you, there's something weird about the people in town at times and the Port Townsend police are walking a line btween purposefully useless and downright sinister

There's something to be said about Crystal offering to wipe Jenny's memories, if she wants. We've followed her the whole season trying to get her own memories back, so it's huge that she's willing to take someone else's if that could help. Because she cares about Jenny, in that same, quiet way that Jenny cares about her and Niko. Also the way she emphasizes that she can take the memories only if Jenny wants that is actually so important to me

For some reason I always assume the girls are going to hold hands in that scene where they're looking for the Cat King and Crystal gives Niko her cleaver back. Even though this is the third time I watch it, I always expect it, and I'm always a little disappointed when all Crystal does is change what hand is holding her own cleaver

Not to question old dark magic or anything, but I am so curious as to how Esther's snake works. Did she already have the snake? Did she find it and make a pact with it? How does it transform little girls into youth for Esther? Also, the Cat King calls it Esther's snake, but then later on Esther says "I never thought I'd be eating kids to stay young and beautiful" so I don't know. Many questions about this

Tragic Mick makes a point of saying the bear figure is a gift and is on him, but the girls very much leave the store without paying for the salt so... Two gifts?

Niko keeps insisting she's not brave, but she was ready to charge into Esther's house after hearing Edwin's scream

Litty and Kingham's coats in the igloo have a dandelion decoration on the chest

[mall0w-rambles]

rambling AGAIN about mm!/tottmnt donnie (ep 10)

ok finally got to rewatch ep 10. definitely not a perfect episode now that i think about it, but i still like it. @lordchinnychin asked for my thoughts (tysm i appreciate it btw) so here we goooo

TOTTMNT EP 10 SPOILER ONWARDS‼️

at the start of the ep, donnie is already a little dismissive of wingnut's paranoia and doesn't take it too seriously. but donnie doesn't go too far. in fact, even at this point, he visibly wants to comfort wingnut. offering her food, giving suggestions, but he's definitely not directly talking to her about the problem just yet.

during the scene where they were surrounded by the alligator, wingnut started to panic even worse. however, donnie's responses were a bit harsher, which you can't fully blame him since he was starting to get stressed out.

also idk where to insert this, but i lowkey love the aussie jokes lol. and i kinda love that donnie still makes them even when they're literally surrounded by a wild animal. humor is one of his coping mechanisms, i guess.

at some point, both of them reach their limits to the point that wingnut even says that she would rather be a unmutated bat again. that statement seems to really hit donnie, possibly because he probably has the same thought too sometimes. i wouldn't be surprised if all the turtles had that insecurity at some point.

so that statement finally made donnie stop for a moment and just talk to wingnut head-on. he finally starts by acknowledging her feelings first. and i really like that he straight up admits he's not good when it comes to feelings. but when that isn't working out, donnie tries a different approach and tries to connect with wingnut through their shared interests.

honestly, the references already feel outdated, but i really do like the idea of the scene. sure, donnie isn't the best at connecting with feelings, but i really love that he still makes an effort to connect with her through his own donnie way; in a way that both of them understand and share because of their bond.

the moment they got surrounded by the alligator again, donnie tries a different approach to get through "demutated leatherhead." specifically, he does what he thinks his brothers would do in his position. but, erm, that doesn't work out. honestly, yeah it's very dumb for donnie to try to talk to a literal alligator lol. but the scene also pretty much signifies that donnie trying to act and think like someone else isn't the best answer.

also very interesting that the first time we see donnie visibly really REALLY panic in this episode is when he fell into the water and almost drowned. throughout the episode, he's been taking things pretty well, especially for a teenager. and he isn't even the older one between him and wingnut! but it's him who had to take charge. sometimes, he's probably the anchor for his brothers too.

of course in this children's cartoon, they solve the problem by working together and being yourself. the end hooray 🎉

but something that really really bothers me is whenever donnie mentions throughout the episode that he's "left-brained." So who's gonna tell him that being more left or right brained is just a myth? lol. it's been debunked years ago that your brain doesn't have a part that's more dominant.

but even with the inaccuracy, maybe that's intentional? cause i can't just believe it that a smart person like donnie wouldn't know the truth lol.

maybe donnie saying he's left brained more so pertains to the fact that he doesn't believe that he's also more right brained and more empathetic than he realizes. maybe because he's been labeled as the smart one for so long that he isn't exactly comfortable with that position. it's because of the label that it makes him think that he SHOULD ONLY be logical. what if he's purposefully limiting himself? when, in reality, he's a lot more emotional than he realizes. he just happens to be a bit more emotionally intelligent than his brothers. but i guess one of them just has to step up.

man, being the youngest (i think) but also the most mature might be the thing that fucks up the way he views himself. they assume donnie is the smart one, so they expect him to be the smart one all the time for every situation. and that takes quite a toll on donnie, so he tries to convince himself that he is only logical. my god, let this boy breathe!! i'm sure the others don't intentionally pressure donnie of course, but it still affects him nonetheless.

ok, so if ever tottmnt ever gets another season, i would love for a donnie episode where he starts to feel more confident about himself. not just confident about his smarts alone, but also his interests. i'm just realizing this as i write this, but they didn't mention donnie's interests that much in the show compared to the movie. well, i wanna hear about them again!! i wanna see him have fun and be happy!! i want donnie to realize he's not just the smart one, or that his worth is based on his intelligence, strength, or anything else. donnie is awesome for simply being donnie, and that's completely enough.

[thealogie]

I'm sorry but I'm about to treat your ask box like a confessional.

You kind of deserve it, though, because due to your Sherlock rewatch posts I've been forced to remember that 1. Sherlock is a show that exists and 2. that I wrote Sherlock fanfic when I was 13... about SHERLOCK and MOLLY.

In my defence, I was a deeply deeply deeply repressed bisexual who hadn't realized it yet - so all of the obvious and insane gay stuff between Sherlock and John just completely sailed over my head. Also propaganda worked really well on me as a child - so basically I was the ideal viewer for Moftiss lol. There'd be scenes where people mistook Sherlock and John for a couple and I'd go 'huh that's kind of strange that keeps happening' but then it would be played off as a joke and I'd go 'oh yes of course, silly me! Gay people only exist as the punchline! Sherlock and John would NEVER be interested in each other that way. I can't believe anyone would ever think that haha.'

Flash forward to 2017. I'm 17 years old. I've kissed other women by now and have had my brain chemistry rewritten by copious amounts of slash fanfiction. Still young, but wiser to the ways of the world than I once was. The last time I watched Sherlock, I had been 14 years old. Sherlock season 4 airs. I watch it with my mom. It's so bad my brain immediately initiates a trauma response and wipes all memory of Sherlock away. This continues for years. The only times I remember Sherlock exists is whenever I joyfully watch hbomerguy's Sherlock Is Garbage video while I'm knitting or painting or something. Also whenever I have to type in a password for an account I made when I was 13 - because my go-to password was 'SHERLOCKED' back then, unfortunately.

Flash forward to now. I'm 24 years old. And I start seeing your posts about Sherlock. Like a sleeper agent, it awakens something in me. Yesterday, I spent a perfectly good Saturday - one I could have spent doing literally anything else - reading Johnlock fanfiction. I am suddenly re experiencing the show through new eyes, seeing all the queerbait I never did before. Getting hate-crimed on the daily. I'm thinking about Sherlock at work, at my adult fucking job. I'm watching scenes from the show on youtube in my office, quickly and guiltily clicking away whenever a coworker comes to chat. I am considering doing my own rewatch. I am realizing for the first time that John and Sherlock were literally in love. It's the only lens through which you can view the show and still have it be somewhat enjoyable. They literally put Mary in a wedding dress shooting Sherlock in his mind palace on TV. I feel like I'm having a religious experience, I feel like I'm insane, I feel like I'm 13 again. This is all vaguely November 5th-ish for me lol.

Anyway. I just thought you should know the impact your rewatch is having on the population. Sorry for the novel in your inbox. I've been desperately trying to find my old Sherlock x Molly fanfic to read for the lols but I think I deleted it off ffnet. I am both having the time of my life while also desperately hoping I forget Sherlock ever existed again soon. So, basically - thank you/curse you for this.

This is perhaps the best ask I’ve ever received?? I converted a sherlolly shipper in the year 2023? Listen I’d never wish a season 4 rewatch on anyone but I would highly recommend watching s1-2 and the wedding episode for a truly out of body experience. I felt more strongly about this show/ship than any other in my life and it was STILL worse than I remembered

[mikuni14]

Life returned to the desert that was Monday and Tuesday. And at once with a whole jungle, with rich, lush greenery 💚

I don't know what it is about JBLs that they can make such series that I might not like in another country, but which I like so much in the Japanese edition. This week's new BLs from Japan are so much in the old school yaoi style that I like, they have so many classic tropes, possessive and crazy semes and all of this is done in such a light, smooth and chill style that I'm totally satisfied, happy and invested.

Sugar Dog Life - Ep 1 I really liked the first episode, a lovely pairing of a very nice and caring seme, who is also completely unhinged lol and a sweet, a bit wild, lonely but managing most of his life and reality uke. Both have their own lives, their existence is not conditioned by the other person, by "being someone's love interest": one is a policeman, the other is a student, worker and an amazing cook. Fortunately, it's not like the seme as a policeman dominates, rules and leads his "silly little uke" by the hand. Isumi makes his own decisions and shows initiative. The series is nicely done, the actors are charming, Isumi is so lovely, he will soon be a competition for Taichi in my little ranking of beloved boys with big eyes 💖🥺

KKKKKKKKAAAAWAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIII🧁🧁🧁🧁🧁🧁🧁!!!!!! Anyway Sugar Dog Life is very much my style. I also immediately thought of Honto Yajuu, one of my favorite mangas, which has a similar type of unhinged policeman seme.

Cosmetic Playlover - Ep 1-2 (First of all, I must warn you that at some point I will call this series Cosmetic Playover, because my slightly dyslexic brain keeps reading it that way 😑). This series does not hold back at all and does not hold back its seme 😩😆 Dear lord what a classic couple! Possessive, jealous, obsessive seme, "compensating" his perfection in many aspects with his unhinged and crazy behavior (a bit like the seme from SDL). This character in a different version could be unlikeable, but in this series he works brilliantly, maybe because he is so old school yaoi - and you know, the classics always work! And uke: also very old school - serious, responsible, noble, always knows how to behave and to do the right thing, very devoted to others and his work. I really like that he is clueless enough to be charming, without taking away his agency and reason. Natsume is smart and strong, he can take care of himself, when a problem arises he tries to solve it himself in a calm manner, not relying on others. When Sahashi constantly crosses his boundaries, Natsume is angry (and he shows it!) and tells him off, he constantly gets mad at him with his inner voice, he is not a victim of his aggressive advances. Natsume is the kind of character that if he really wanted to, he would put Sahashi in his place, and Sahashi is the kind of character that would definitely stop immediately. But the rules of the genre dictate that the seme should push the quiet but feisty uke, and you know what? I fully embrace that 😤 I've read TONS of these types of yaoi mangas, and I'm over the moon to see this adapted 🥳 I'm not kidding that I spent most of my time listening to Sahashi and his killer one liners like this :OOOOOOO This series is SO my style.

Jfc, Sahashi 😍😍

Also, both series have high rewatching value. I'd watch them again right now if I wasn't at work lol and if it wasn't WEDNESDAY OF BL DOOM.

[butterflydm]

wot 2x5: damane (thoughts on darkfriends and other evils)

includes book spoilers through book 14: a memory of light

Very much looking forward to examining the scenes again when I rewatch this weekend, but my brain is just going... a mile a minute, so I wanted to put some thoughts down before I go to work today.

So we got to see Darkfriends Getting In Each Other's Way this episode, which is a classic. Hilarious, love it. They are selfish AF and each have their own agenda and mostly all hate each other.

(in theory, this should have been what separated Our Heroes from the Darkfriends, but in the books, Our Heroes ALSO all got in each other's way a lot so... I do feel like the show is maybe setting Our Heroes up to be more supportive of each other than they were in the books. but that is a side note. Back to the Darkfriends!)

The Clown Car of Black Ajah is already looking great! It cracked me up earlier in the season when poor Alanna was having a scene with tons of other Aes Sedai and every single other character who spoke in the scene was Black Ajah. You are Surrounded, my darling!

Thoughts: did Liandrin Compel Sheriam? (aka does Liandrin not know that Sheriam is also Black Ajah) Very possible! Sheriam and Liandrin have gotten in each other's way a couple of times this season. I was so glad that the show namedropped both Compulsion and Tel'aran'rhoid in this episode!

I have to say, that Liandrin was able to make it back to the Tower with her excuse does make me wonder if she'll be able to snag that coveted 'merger with either Alviarin or Galina' role (which would let her at least put off her Bad Book Ending for a while) after all. The problem is that if the Wondergirls make it back to the Tower at all next season, her cover is completely blown because Nynaeve knows beyond a doubt that she is shady AF.

Liandrin and Suroth absolutely despising each other and each of them fantasizing about the other one kneeling to them: chef's kiss, no notes. Liandrin fucking Suroth over in the last minute both because she immediately hated Suroth's guts and because she couldn't help but give Nynaeve a fighting chance: fascinating. I do think Liandrin was incredibly disappointed when she got the note that it was time to take the girls to Falme -- I mean, I don't think she gave a shit about selling out Egwene (and Elayne was an accident of fate) but as Nynaeve sussed out in the Ways, she absolutely wanted to recruit Nynaeve to the Black Ajah and get her on side that way.

Suroth's spikiness with Ishamael! (someone last night suggested that Ishamael is cosplaying as her truthspeaker, I think? which would make sense with how he's behaving) When she had her little tantrum and suggested that, sure, maybe the Dark One Chose him and all, but he's not BLOOD. Amazing. That's the arrogance that we expect from the Blood. Again, perfect, no notes.

Love love love that we are already getting the set up of a potential division within the Seanchan by explicitly having Turak say that they are here to fight the Shadow. The Seanchan Civil War that never happened remains one of my greatest disappointments with the books. To already be setting up some seeds for a reason for the Seanchan to split in half is great (a little while ago, someone suggested that instead of getting the Sharans, we would get the Seanchan being split in two, and I would heavily support that notion, for sure).

The show also seems to be (early on) setting up the idea that some people choose to believe that living under the Seanchan isn't so bad if you swear to their oaths... but making it clear what a selfish position that is. The New Innkeeper tells Perrin this, but then when Perrin asks about the old innkeeper, we learn that she's off following the caravan to Falme because her granddaughter was one of the girls kidnapped by the Seanchan. So New Innkeeper basically got a free inn out of taking advantage of other people's misfortune. Plus then we had Perrin very pointedly telling Aviendha (when she asked why he saved her) that people shouldn't be in cages.

(Because the Whitecloaks are ALSO 'evil but not the Shadow' much like the Seanchan are, or Aridhol was -- and, like the Seanchan, the show is already setting up the cracks of a potential division within the Whitecloaks in the future)

Verin: Investigator was also a fantastic thread. I love how she managed to get her fellow Brown Ajah Sister (I will look her name up when I do my rewatch) onto the trail of the Black Ajah just by implication. We can see the ways that she successfully has been sussing out who (else) might be Black Ajah by catching people in lies without letting them know that she's realized that. Starting the Black Ajah Hunters storyline this early can only do good things for that entire plot thread, I think.

So... Barthanes... probably a Darkfriend like in the books. Is Anveare a Darkfriend? I tend to lean on 'no' though it WOULD be funny if a Darkfriend was responsible for the Shadow's plans for Rand completely falling apart because Anveare couldn't resist spilling info to her big sister in order to impress her. (I do think that she and Barthanes might think Moiraine and Rand are hooking up tho; especially since they went off to share a bedroom at the end of the episode)

I am also intrigued by the fact that Fain is clearly still a Darkfriend in Good Standing with Ishamael, because we've definitely gotten Hints that the dagger is influencing him (the Fade nailed to the doorway). And Shadar Logoth was evil, but it was an evil that despised the Shadow.

I was also intrigued by Ishamael claiming that Mat was ~born mine~ -- because he had a shitty upbringing with crappy parents? because he was already in a bad enough place at the start of the series that he was stealing from other villagers? because... some other reason...?

I'm also trying to remember if Ingtar and Ishamael shared any Looks this episode (Ingtar definitely gave Loial some wtf looks and they both recognized Egwene when she showed up, obviously).

This episode did such a good job setting up the various 'bad guys' that will dominate the series going forward. Genuinely thrilled.

[ourflagmeansgayrights]

ofmd s2e4 rewatch where i pause to jot down my thoughts and other random shit

it's been a busy week since last thursday and shit's only gonna get busier for me after tomorrow so hopefully i can get through these two episodes out before i go to bed lol!!! anyway once again these posts are just me rambling so i can process the insane amount of information in these episodes and if u want to read them too that's fine.

s2e1, s2e2, s2e3, s2e4, s2e5, s2e6, s2e7, s2e8

rip everyone who wanted homoerotic sword fighting in the gentebeard reunion. have a headbutt as a consolation prize.

obsessed with stede holding raw room-temperature meat against his bruised face bc that's not even a little bit how that works. i love this show.

ok so jim saying "he'll probably get around to killing you after he's rested" in response to stede saying ed needs to regain his strength actually gives some pretty good context to why they want ed of the ship so bad. bc they DID fully try to kill ed and now he's here and alive and like. if i were jim i would be pretty worried abt ed holding a grudge abt that.

wont lie stede being like "we dont just banish people, that's not us!" makes me thinkg abt how they fully banished izzy from the ship in e6. i mean technically izzy banished himself on accident but. lol.

also izzy's absence in this scene indicating he is not yet considered part of the entire crew

roach: i need that steak back, it's dinner stede: (pulling the steak away) oh, right fang: maybe let's put the banishment to a vote? stede: (steak back on his face, apparently having forgotten he was literally just about to give the meat to roach) aw do we have to :(

ed chained to the ship is doing. a lot for me. i wont lie.

buttons saying he's been to the gravy basket a few times... how many times has this man almost died??????

it is deeply funny to me that they edit the split second flashback of the drowning and mermaid hallucination to look all creepy as if that whole scene wasn't set to an incredibly sappy 80's love song (said with immense affection)

OBSESSED with stede trying to be like. encouraging to izzy. and being like "he cant hear you he's got no head" about izzy yelling at the ruined figurehead. this fucking dork.

so ive seen ppl talking abt how the crew's in a deadlock abt banishing ed and which ppl they think were pro-banishment and which were against, but the scenes with the crew make it look like everyone's voting for ed to get kicked out. so tbh i think like either of the following interpretations are pretty valid: the crew is split 50/50 on if they should banish ed OR the crew 100% wants to banish ed and stede was gonna try and leverage izzy's vote to try and get more ppl to change their mind. doesnt rlly matter either way tho

also the fact that izzy was the one to keep ed's body is. interesting. the others must've known abt it and helped izzy hide the body in the secret room. but izzy being the one to be like "no we're not throwing him overboard" is. something. no conclusions abt this atm im just rotating this fact in my brain.

i also just have a lot of thoughts abt the mutiny and the fact that like, jim's a trained assassin and the others are also pretty experienced killers and they probably knew they hadn't completely finished the job. and there was plenty of opportunity for them to do something about that. but instead they hid his body and waited for ed to succumb to his injuries. it feels kinda like ed's "technically i outsource the big job" rule. idk. thoughtssss.

frenchie in this scene is so funny bc he seems both actually apologetic abt kicking ed off the ship but also very relieved/vindicated to see him go.

didnt realize olu almost said smthng to ed lol i thought ed was just saying "fuck you" to him for no reason ghfjkghjkfh

"first time i've ever been on this side of a walk of shame" wee john i have so many questions. how many times have you been banished from a ship.

obsessed with archie just being like "way to make this awkward brah." her shitty boss put her life at risk in an attempt to make her and her coworkers kill him in a weird roundabout suicide attempt and her summary of the situation is "well, this is awkward :/"

"shitty sailing with you" sick burn, jim

"you're making it really hard to look up to you, man" LOVE how black pete is still a blackbeard stan. despite everything.

just ONCE i want someone to appreciate roach's sandwiches :(

"dont you want your sammy" STEDE I WOULD DIE FOR YOU

also i disagree with the subtitles here im like 99% sure says "you're no fuckin mermaid" not "you're not a fuckin mermaid" but that's just me ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

stede looks SO sad abt not being a mermaid

love how everyone in this episode just sort of nods and is like "yeah okay" every time buttons tells them he's turning into a bird

altho with stede in this scene specifically im convinced that he's just jumping at the chance to follow ed to the island. he was absolutely gonna come up with some shitty excuse to go ashore anyway but it's nice of buttons to give him plausible deniability

i love how much ed hates nature

why do the subtitles say "gyp-" this has been bothering me all week. the line is "like a drifter"

i also love ed's line delivery of "a wolf?"

anyway dumb posts abt the spider tattoo backstory: 1, 2, 3

i love to see ed getting hugs... wish i could give him a hug :(

ok also buttons talking abt the gravy basket made me think ed needed like some sort of spell or smthng to snap out of it but instead it just kinda wore off by the end of the episode (maybe, depends on how you read the whole buttons turning into a bird scene). this is very funny to me for some reason

anne rubbing the cup she's holding against her tit. queen.

stede bonnet idiot dumbfuck moments

i LOVE anne's line delivery of "eddie motherfuckin teeeeach" like yeah that's cj's girl alright. or was cj's girl. who knows.

SECRET HANDSHAKE im cryinggggg. i love them.

stede's voice sounds so weird when he says "i wasn't looking for you" and that's because he's fucking lying through his teeth

LOVE how anne and mary look at each other after the "shipmates" "former" interaction like they are immediately on the same wavelength. and that wavelength is fucking with ed and his ex. they sniffed out a messy relationship dynamic and were like "oh hell yeah we need more of this in our lives"

ed is SO bitchy this whole scene i fucking love it. ed's face when he says "him?" fdhjksgfjhdgkj

ed: whatever 🙄 anne: whatever? 👀 mary: whatever! 😈

wee john getting more goth is so good

drunk izzy rambling at the ship's figurehead is so funny to me tho i miss drunk izzy

ed's crew lady macbeth "out damned spot" moments

i like how there's a goat in the background of this scene in anne and mary's house and it is unexplained and also never seen again.

ed's face after stede says "that's romance" is soooo good this bitch is so pissed. like oh would you have met me at the docs if i peeled the guard's face off instead of just paying him off? is that what fuckin does it for you???? not that it matters bc i dont care. but. cunt.

yeah im just focusing in on all of ed's faces in this scene. "quite the shift going from wearing people's faces to antique collectors" gets ed to freeze in the middle of bringing his drink up to his lips and just kinda stare off into the distance.

"how did you meet" has ed kind of frowning for a split second before stede starts answering and then he rolls his eyes very dramatically and sighs deeply

ed immediately being like "actually i was gonna kill him myself!" trying to undermine stede's meet-cute story. also anne and mary nodding along in complete unison bc this is just normal pirate conversation to them.

~~~

also as someone who has been team "no ed was dead serious abt the plan to steal stede's identity" this was very vindicating for me. it's a bad plan and it doesn't make any sense but logistics literally dont matter in this show. what matters is giving this story the "falling for the mark" trope makes ed's character arc in season 1 that much tastier!!!!

ed and stede going back and forth telling their story i cant fucking wait until theyre happily together telling this story and instead of ed trying to downplay it and ruin the meet-cute-iness of it they're just building on each other and being sappy and adorable

"more like i relented" one of the biggest lies i've ever heard this man say fjhkgjkfdhk

"until he completely boned it" SAY IT. FUCKING SAY IT. SOOOOO TRUE ED.

auauhghgh the beard bit......... crying

THE!!!!! QUIETEST LITTLE "thank you" OF ALL TIME. TIED MAYBE WITH ED SAYING "thank you" AFTER "i think you're very sophisticated" IN 1.05

i dont blame stede for trying to get ed to open up right after that bc that was the first bone ed's thrown stede's way since he woke up. unfortunately ed is not in the mood to talk abt his near-death experience and mermaid hallucination sequence.

LOVE anne's little gesture when she says "rabbit" and the little hip cocking

stede being like "uhhhh we could leave" during the knifeplay exhibitionism moment

i giggle every time at the way the crew is instantly like "fuck closing our eyes we're doing any fucking surprises"

ngl idgw the crew yelled abt the piñata reveal. but ok

loooove stede's half of the crew just blowing past all the screaming and tension from ed's half. jim screams "STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!!!" abt the blindfold and roach is like "you won't want to stay the fuck away from this caaaake!" like roach fdhsjfgdhfjkghkj read the room?????

i love how much stede just. completely misses all of annie's flirting

ed coughing during the blunt session i love himmmmm

ok but ed's trying to be like "im totally over stede i dont even like him" and then ed reminiscing fondly with a distant smile abt the 1.06 stabbing scene

"and that was the... second time you left your wife?" underrated line

love how annie's been all quiet and seductive and then when she goes to make her move she's just like "WOUND THIS" and aggressively sits in stede's lap

also ok. "they're gonna be so jealous" is that annie talking abt ed and mary or is that annie using they/them pronouns for mary.

BUTTONS JUMPSCARE

also i love how they have that one medusa painting just. in their kitchen. im obsessed with the interior decor of this lesbian antique store that annie and mary live in

the way she's so touched by the poisoning attempt hjfgfjksghskjhgjkh

buttons being like "aahhhhhh do i give her... this bowl......????" fhjkghkfsjhk

"yeah, babe" TEALORANGES WIN

im honestly sad izzy's pathetic wet beast moment only really went for like three tiny scenes in one episode bc this shit was so funny to me. crawling away saying "you're born alone you die alone" over and over again. sir what are you even doing.

god buttons in this episode is so fucking funny bc i keep forgetting he's there. also why is he even there. like was he even invited to dinner or did he just sit down and annie and mary were like "oh ok i uh. guess we'll go make another plate??"

ed's face after buttons says the bit abt "i can tell this rabbit was intelligent" is soooo funny why is he so fucking pissed fdhsjkgyjdfkghjk

NO WAIT HE'S PISSED BC THAT WAS HIS FRIEND. THAT WAS HIS FRIEND THE WOLF HE WAS TELLING HIS SECRETS. NOW IM KINDA SAD :(:(:(

stede talking abt the sea when what he's actually talking abt is ed part 2 electric boogaloo

ed very calmly. standing up. and smashing the chair. im obsessed with him.

stede bonnet stupid dumbass moments

IMPROMPTU BLANKET FORT TIME

ed's voice is so quiet at the start of this scene he's not even yelling at stede until stede says "it's not fair" ohhhhhh my babygirl is so fucking sad........

"you ditching me without a note or anything" ed's literacy confirmed

"expecting me to just melt back into your arms" eddie my man. stede has not given literally any indication that he expected this at all. you are telling on yourself fhdjskghfkjshd

this scene is so fucking good i barely have anything to say abt it. just. u can rlly tell david jenkins wrote this ep himself lolll

"i was all in, mate. i was all in." IM SOBBING

oh nooooo i forgot that ed's line delivery of "im sorry my horrible naked chin disgusts you so much" isnt actually as sarcastic as the words itself make it seem. like it feels like ed wanted to say that all angrily and bitter but instead he just sounds sadddddd

ok ok but the way stede says "i love your chin naked or otherwise" and then after a pause (during which ed is keeping INCREDIBLY still bc u know otherwise he's just gonna burst into tearssss) stede whispers "ed" and ed is immediately like "don't" and then. stede going in for the "i love you" but like the way he's so slow with it?? he's literally like "i. love." and idk if it's bc he's trying to make this as clear as possible or if he's giving ed enough time to cut him off if he doesn't want to hear it

and ed DOES he DOES cut him off with "you don't get to say that to me" and he like. keeps glancing at stede out of the corner of his eye but not quite looking at him directly bc he knowwwwws it's like staring into the sun baby and ed knows if he looks at stede's face it's literally all over.

but also ed's face after stede pivots to "i love everything about you" he's SO pissed. he quietly groans and rolls his eyes bc this bitch. finding stupid loopholes to not being allowed to say "i love you." fuck this guy ed hates him so fucking much (lying)

oooooh when stede says "you don't have to say it back to me" ed's mouth opens and closes a bit before "not about to" bc this man is trying. SO hard not to cry (so am i but it's not working sorry there are tears on my face right now)

idk idk idk smthng abt "it's nice. feels good." makes me hurt so fucking bad bc the entire time since ed's woken up stede's been getting headbutted and snarked at passive-aggressively but stede's still like "i love being near you it makes me happy :)" brb i need. a fucking moment.

honestly tho how did annie and mary even overhear that bit bc they were on the other side of the room and stede was whispering SO quietly. opposite of when ppl in this show dont hear things despite the things being said like two feet away from them (1.03 geraldo and jackie talking abt how blackbeard was looking for stede, 2.01 zheng saying the indigo was worth way more than she spent on it)

LOVE how anne being like "stede likes the ladies" is how ed figures out "ohhhh wait ok theyre just fucking with us, got it" bc this guy??? liking women????? lmao

this also HAS to be why he gets over mary like his brain mustve gone "wait hang on why the fuck would he go back to her he doesn't even like women. guess maybe he really did panic huh" hdjksghfckghkjsh

obsessed with these TINY tiny details abt the ed/jack/annie/mary polycule dynamics we're given. ed would've expected as much from annie bc she's a fucking psycho. mary apparently used to not be like this. im putting the pieces together im connecting the dots.

ed and stede's knowing smug looks at each other. im obsessed.

annie being rlly sensitive to the word "bitch" im considering that more hints abt the polycule backstory

yayy fanny newspaper

"really? i mean she stabbed you, you poisoned her, and then she jumped on my face" stede this is all part of their very elaborate and deeply toxic sex life ok stop kinkshaming them

~~~

curious if ed and stede are too distracted by mary spelling out their worst fears to comment on all the smoke coming into the room

"everything must go" like a fucking clearance sale. this is such a silly line. this is a silly show. i love it here.

WHY DONT THEY MAKE OUT SLOPPY STYLE HERE THO

wait are they crying while they hug??? bro these girls are so fucking messy i love them

ed saying "see you guys" before he leaves them in their burning house. i would die for him

ok team arts and craft time while making a prosthetic for izzy. obsessed with how the b plot of this episode is literally "the crew struggles to get along but they eventually set aside their differences and work together when they realize there's someone even more cringe and pathetic than any of them"

"YOU ARE!!! HARASSING A CRIPPLE!!!!!!" is suchhhh a funny line im sorry im gonna miss izzy at his lowest fhsjkhjksf. literally they just knocked on the door my dude calm downnnn

obsessed with izzy being genuinelly touched and expressing it by saying "fucking cocksuckers." this man is allergic to having feelings.

stede and ed painfully talking over each other bc everything is awkward and difficult. i love them.

ed's face when stede offers to let ed stay. his very quiet "yis." the way he says "might be nice" and then VERY QUICKLY looks away

stede yelling GREAT at the top of his lungs fhdsjkguydfgfjkhl

i love when these guys try to play it cool bc theyre so fucking bad at it hgdfgvjfxdkgjjdkkgjhfdkh

stede bonnet dumb idiot moron moments

ed staring off lovinglyyyyyy

buttons jumpscare

also is that fucking sage. are we doing cultural appropriation here

buttons saying "Earth Wind and Fire i wanna go higher" hfjkhgfdjkhgjkh

i love how ed. does not question this "fuck yeah, brother. fly."

ed teach lovesick fool moments

i love how happy ed sounds telling stede abt buttons he sounds like his old goofy self for the first time all season.... im gonna cry

also i like how the crew adopts izzy as their new creature. 10/10

post credits scene is annie and mary at dinner with buttons. i guess it's after stede goes to comfort ed but before they go eavesdrop on that convo.

buttons enjoying his last meal as a human. and also he's like "there's too much fucking on that ship i need to get away from it all." and his way of doing this is becoming a bird. love that.

[angst-is-love-angst-is-life]

director's commentary on Trophy please 👀👀

Trophy

Oh gods where do I even start-- my magnum opus, my beloved, the every-horrible-thing-I-could-think-of-happens-because-no-one-stopped-me (and boy did my best friend try) fic

This was so long I'm sorry-- as you can see, I always want to talk about this fic but have ✨anxiety✨. When asked about it though-- it's what my brain needs to allow it lmao. I do hope you enjoy :)

The first line was originally (as a thought) "I deserve this" , this was scrapped because the concept became irrelevant in later drafts (and now it may become relevant again-- who knows). The first bit before it cuts back to the race was originally the first of a back and forth kind of flashback thing. ex. chapter 2 would have taken place in the present with hints as to what happened, and chapter 3 would directly follow the events of chapter 1. If the way I explained that didn't make much sense-- that should be enough to show why this has since been changed💀

A single step away– but in the corner of his eye; a flash, a blur— and Zoom tackled him off the magnetar.

This was very intentional. I specifically wanted to mention just how close Barry was to winning as he did in canon. Makes everything that happens next all the sweeter, to me :)

There are many parts and lines that are going to hit so much harder later on and that's all I'll say about that matter for the moment.

“You really thought you could defeat me?” His low whine turned into a howl as Zoom pressed harder on an evidently broken rib. “Forgotten I’m the fastest man alive?” Zoom leaned further down and Barry bit his cheek to prevent a shriek. “Don’t worry.” Tone laced with venom, he wrapped a hand around Barry’s windpipe. Zoom’s mask was inches from his face, blocking the breach. “You’ll have plenty of time to remember.” He clawed at the hand desperately, struggling for air. 

This is one of my favorite scenes ngl. I wrote this whole excerpt after rewatching the Enter Zoom scene and wrote nothing else for the rest of that night lmao. Tis where you get the parallels between those first two lines and ones in that episode "You really thought you could defeat me?" is just slightly changed from "{Harrison Wells}, you thought you could defeat me {with this}?" And as I type this, I have discovered another layer to that parallel that is extremely relevant to the story. Holy shit this is awesome (I will not be saying. spoilers.) ANYWAYS; the other parallel line. "Forgotten I'm the fastest man alive?" comes from "Never forget, I am the fastest man alive." I love parallels. Let's just say that Zoom is very irritated and a little offended that Barry seems to think he {Zoom}'s less powerful than he is. May need a couple more reminders...

Knew I needed another really bad injury besides the broken rib to both bring the Enter Zoom parallels to a climax, and to make the next scene/s work. I thought "Hey! Speedsters can't run if their leg is broken!" and that was that.

“Now you can watch your precious multiverse die. Knowing you’re the one who destroyed it.”

This might be my favorite line and it is the only anything from the first draft of chapter 1 that made it to the final draft. Also I wrote it at 5 am because of course I did.

Somewhere behind the two speedsters, there was a scream

The person who screamed will not be revealed in this fic but I do know who it was and there is an in-universe reason for it besides simply directing the attention away from Barry. I wrote a companion piece off of that reason-- may post it if I feel like cleaning it up a little. But for now, feel free to theorize :)

And finally, to round out the chapter 1 fun facts and commentary-- something I've wanted to say since that fateful day it was posted.

Around 50% of chapter 1 was written on March 14th from 5-11 pm with no food, no water, and no bathroom breaks. I had the power of whump and the speedforce on my side and I was DETERMINED to post it on Barry's birthday and it fucking worked.

THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH FOR ASKING AND ENABLING ME BECAUSE I HAVE PUT WAY TO MUCH THOUGHT INTO THIS FIC AND AM DELIGHTED TO SHARE IT!!!

Fanfic Writers: Director's Cut

[coraniaid]

hater alphabet ask! F!

Obviously my first instinct is to respond with a post about Faith but (I guess thanks to choosing who I follow on here carefully?) I don't think I actually have any unpopular opinions about Faith?

Or rather, I suppose, I know there are lots of takes on Faith I would strongly disagree with -- that she's genuinely cool, that she honestly doesn't care about killing Allan Finch at all, that she spends so long being jealous of Buffy because she really wants to sleep with Xander/Angel/Riley, that she's too "streetwise" to have been won over by the Mayor, that she isn't one of the most interesting and ultimately sympathetic characters on the show -- but I just can't bring myself to believe that any of these positions are actually popular.

So I'm going to talk about Season 5's Family instead.

I think Family is a very good episode -- it's actually one of the Season 5 episodes I've rewatched most -- but I think it would work a lot better (both in its own right and as a metaphor) without it being proved unequivocally at the end that Tara definitely isn't any sort of demon.

Firstly because ... well, I kind of hate the whole magic demon-detecting chip plot to start with -- it's one of the show's worst bits of world-building, I'd argue, and I'm aware that's saying a lot -- but at least most of the time I can tell myself it's something that only affects Spike's brain, using his own knowledge of what he's about to do and who he's about to hurt. Giving it the power to actually detect with perfect accuracy whether Spike is hurting a human or not -- even when he wouldn't know himself -- is a little bit much for me. (And yes, there's at least one other famous example of it doing that, and yes, I really hate that one too.)

But second -- and much more importantly -- isn't the point of everyone rallying around Tara at the end even when they think she might be something strange or monstrous kind of undercut by the script immediately going "oh, nevermind, she's not a demon, she's definitely completely safe and normal"? Doesn't that undermine the metaphor here pretty badly? What exactly is the show trying to say?

What would the Scoobies have done if Spike had hit Tara and it hadn't hurt him? Immediately changed tune and let her biological family drag her away forever? Is the fact her father is obviously a bullying asshole not reason enough to hate him? Does he have to be deliberately lying about Tara's demonic nature too? Can families only be abusive if they are knowingly, consciously dishonest in the justifications they provide for their actions? Is it not enough that Tara really didn't want to go?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying the show should have said flat out that Tara was a demon. I'm not sure whether I'd have liked that either. I just don't think being definitive about it either way adds to the episode. I think it works much better if it's left a little ambiguous.

I do think that Buffy -- and spin-off show Angel especially -- slightly loses its way by having so many demons and vampires become sympathetic as the seasons progress (while never really having Buffy question the fact she kills so many of them), but it is still part of the episode's context and contunity that this is a direction the two shows have both been heading in for a while. Anya is an ex-demon (and will briefly become a demon again) and while this causes some tension it never outright prevents her being welcomed into the group. Her friend and fellow vengeance demon Halfrek is consistently treated as a sympathetic character and not as a monster. Spike and Angel and Harmony are vampires but the two shows have been treating them all as people for a while and will only continue to do so. On Angel, Doyle was part-demon and Cordelia will also become part-demon less than a year after this episode airs. Lorne exists.

I mean, reading this answer over again I'm not sure I've done a great job of articulating why this bothers me (which is part of why I've been so slow in answering this, sorry) but I think this implicit use of 'demon' to mean 'definitely a bad person' just feels weirdly out of place by Season 5. And again, I just go back to the question: what are we supposed to think Buffy and Willow would have done if Spike had unwittingly proved that Tara really wasn't fully human? And if the answer isn't anything different, why is that part of the scene at all?

[cuddlytogas]

GOOD OMENS 2 SPOILERS UNDER THE CUT!! spewed out right after binging last night and then added to today. I'm mostly gonna ramble about structure rather than content, but the last few bits get quite spoilery

before that, though, one other thought: I DO hope the power of fandom now will mean that we'll get an influx of people listening to Cabin Pressure and JFSP and Double Acts and all that good stuff!!! John Finnemore is such an incredible writer and comedian, and I know the "following fandom brain into a rabbithole of someone's previous work" is a lot more common for actors than writers, but. one can dream!!!!!!! knowing Finnemore was a co-writer was what reassured me that the new season wasn't going to be an unnecessary sequel, he's so fucking good, and in conclusion ---

okay onto the s2 thoughts

obviously I'm, like. insane now. like I'm gonna shatter into a million pieces and also be sick. I have LOST my MIND. and it WAS good!!!

but also

I thought the pacing wasn't nearly as good as s1? obvs s1 had the ticking clock element, which is hard to recreate without just having another ticking clock, but especially some of the flashbacks tended to linger a smidge too long, and you could tell some of them were written by other writers - the "minisodes" thing I think didn't HELP. obviously I don't think this was a MAJOR problem, and I'll want a rewatch when i feel less Fully Insane to judge properly, but even ending aside, I feel like it didn't have quite the same structural/pacing qualities that made s1 so watchable

I thought the extension of the preexisting 1941 flashback felt... a bit hack-y? (it also went on too long tbh.) the reason those worked so well in s1 was because they were these little snippets, extending it (again, especially to the length that they did) was a little... hm. not, like, a cardinal sin, and it might just be a taste thing, but. again, the "minisodes written by other writers" thing didn't help.

and I'm REALLY sad it was released all at once!! with all the mystery elements, I would've loved a week to week format - even two episodes a week - to really digest all the clues, to sit and speculate and process each reveal/development! I just read that Neil Gaiman wanted that too, so it's extra hurtful. it would've been such a satisfying way to consume the show, but alas, Binge Culture must prevail, I guess :\

finally... I might be genuinely disappointed by the ending? I mean, the religious trauma is Strong With This One, and it'll depend on what they do with s3 (I'm not even going to humour the idea of no s3), but just... okay, real spoilers from here

it felt like Aziraphale really backslided?? like, wasn't the whole point of s1 the learning of "heaven and hell are both a bit shit and we're on our own side"? I understand why the final choice was compelling, both to him and the audience, but even across the season - and especially taking both seasons' flashbacks into account - he really sort of pinged back and forth between learning the lesson and going right back into denial about it, in a way that started to feel less like a character flaw and more like a cheat to keep the drama going. obvs his final choice was DEVASTATING, but also I couldn't stop thinking that Aziraphale... knows better??? not just "he should know better, how heartbreaking", but haven't we SEEN that he KNOWS BETTER?? it felt... inconsistent? again, as a writing choice rather than a character thing

like, I've slept on this thought now and calmed down a little about it, obviously I'm a bit biased by how also extremely painful that whole last scene was to watch, but - thing it, it's not even the decision itself that sits so formally wrong with me! the "I could fix things if I were in power" self-delusion is a very believable and narratively compelling (READ: HEARTBREAKING) move, as is him believing "if Crowley were an angel and I fixed everything then we could be safe and together and everything would be fine"!

but specifically the "but heaven are the good guys" - that gets me! like, after everything?? you really still believe that?? I thought it was obvious you learnt your lesson?? something something, "how can someone so smart be SO stupid?" - except we already did that bit in s1!! ahhh I dunno, it just rings a bit too much of the kind of undoing character development and recycling drama that I reeaaaally don't like :\

like, just. the pure disbelief in crowley's face - "tell me you said no" - like, yeah. and not just in a character sympathy way, but - come on, Aziraphale!! we've been through this so many times now!!!

again, this will also all rest on how it's handled in s3. and I have some faith! s2 actually bringing up crowley's "I was there when you tried to destroy Aziraphale, I saw your face when you told him to shut up and die" was revelatory, I loved that they actually made reference to it. and the writers are good! this isn't going to be a wwdits situation, I think we're safe in that. but s2 definitely had a few more plotty/pacing flaws, and that's just SUCH a huge betrayal - that whole ending was so massive - I have a lot of gay fear about how it'll all be resolved.

or, I dunno. maybe I'm just still too sad to think straight.

[inventedfangirling]

will i ever get over the bad buddy rooftop kiss?

short answer : no

long answer : after 30 consecutive days where i watched at least 2 bad buddy episodes per day i had decided to take a break for today, and a few more days to refresh my brain. but the forces that be had other plans cos idek from where i saw a snippet of their rooftop convo and i had to go back and watch episode 5 3/4 and 4/4 again and to no one's surprise i keep finding more and more things to appreciate about that episode.

this post isn't to analyze anything from that episode as people far more intelligent, eloquent and observant than me have done before 100 times of before.

i just wanted to do a (in awe) rant of the episode 5 of bad buddy. a true masterclass in story telling, directing, acting and emoting and ofc how can i forget using music as a narrative tool, especially in the scene where pran performs the song and pat now listens to it in the full context of his own feelings and then the patpran wai scene and most importantly in the rooftop scene where the music plays such an important role in building and then maintaining that tension!!

it's such an excellent piece of work because i've watched this already 10 times at least and i literally discovered the show just a month ago. i already know how everything is going to end. i literally just rewatched ep 11 and 12 yesterday. i know its all building upto something far more happy than sad in the end. AND YET.

And yet my heart was in my throat, my eyes were glued to their faces and their micro expressions, i was still in awe at their performance, at the words exchanged both audible and not, and the music behind adding to the' edge of the seat clutching of pillow' experience then the kiss happens and im as shook as the day i saw it.

I genuinely cannot remember the last time or if ever i had an experience of rewatching a (romantic) scene and it's impact gets reinforced and amplified each time i watch it in the way the bad buddy rooftop scene has done it.

that too the fact that i haven't given my brain time to forget the sheen of it, the brilliance of it, the impact of it, the fact that the kiss is a microcosm of their whole story, but even without all of that, that kiss by itself was to say the very least life changing.

my brain hasn't forgotten any of that. i havent allowed it to forget. so then me watching it again so close should not be having this effect on it. and yet.

and i just know that if i hit the replay button again this very instant i will feel all of those emotions all over again. that just boggles my mind, cos what is the explanation for it. logically i should be not this into it each time i watch it. why is hedonistic adaptation not doing its thing? it really do be making no sense to me. i guess this is once again a testament to how great of a show it is, how even beyond all the ingredients we can point out, the actors, the director, the writing , music everything, there has to be some unexplainable magic involved. the kind of magic that i highly doubt can be replicated anywhere. the kinda magic that makes even evolutionary responses bend to its will. solid stuff. 12/10 would recommend.

[geekthefreakout]

I want to start writing again, but can't pick what to work on, so here is a list of WIPs I have going that I haven't done much with. What should I put effort into first? Poll under the cut. Also, you can suggest things! Please vote and reblog?

Coming Clean (At Least I'm Trying)- Fandom: Supernatural. Pairing: Destiel. Alternate ending to s15, where Castiel struggles with his new humanity and Dean struggles with his nascent sobriety. They both try to make their new relationship work. Features Jack and Sam in big supporting roles. Multi chapter, some already up on AO3 here. I lost half of the next chapter because my computer crashed, and I have been struggling to get back into it.

Blood Brothers- Fandom: MCU. Pairing: Winterfrost. The sequel to my fic Pieces of Me Fit Pieces of You. AU: Canon-divergent after Thor: Ragnorak, ignoring credit scene. Loki and Bucky adjust to life in New Asgard, the people who love them adjust to each other, and the shadow of the Mad Titan looms on the horizon. Features Einar, the best horse ever, and many Avengers in supporting roles. I don't have anything posted yet, but I've outlined a lot of it. Hyperfixation brain has not let me work on this in a while.

The Autobiography of Una Chin-Riley- Fandom: Star Trek. Pairing: Garashir. After Julian's augmentations are revealed, Garak comes to him with a most interesting book. Intended to be a one-shot where Garak and Bashir discuss eugenics and civil rights, and what effect the legacies of both Una and Khan had on Bashir's decision to join Starfleet. I have about 1300 words of this so far.

Killing Time and Killing Dads- Fandom: The Flash CW. Pairing: Coldflash, pre-relationship. Canon-divergent AU where after Zoom kills Henry but before Barry creates Flashpoint, Snart appears on the Flash's radar and the two discuss fathers, failures, and the things they can't change. I've been mulling this over for a while but haven't written it. It would probably be a one or two shot. If you want to know my voices for these characters, check out my other fic that also has Snart being around for Henry's death. I guess I just like the concept.

Untitled Bashir War fic- Fandom: Star Trek Pairing: none focused, but probably light Garashir because I can't help myself. I watched Band of Brothers recently, and the episode "Bastogne" prompted me to consider the toll being a battlefield medic took on Bashir, and meditate a bit on how little war has really changed through the centuries. I have 1100 words so far. I need to rewatch a few Dominion War episodes to make sure I don't have any glaring contradictions in my Star Trek medicine.

Not any particular fic, but some of my usual light stuff you might find in my "Sam Writes Stuff" tag- things like Garashir reacting to stuff, random head canons that may or may not become fics later, various fandoms. Most likely to be Arrowverse Flash, Star Trek, Dragon Ball, Supernatural, or Batfam.

Okay, so what do you think? Do any of these strike your interest? Or do you have something else you would like me to write? Vote below!

[wixhing0nastar]

So I’m finally sitting down and watching Season 2 of Warrior Nun (I’ve been super sick for the last two weeks but I’ve let it play in the living room over a dozen times for the views) but first I wanted to rewatch Season 1.

Season 1 rewatch thoughts below the cut! Season 2’s coming soon!

First thought: fucking hate Mother Francis or whatever her name is, like, as a disabled person myself learning what she’d done to Ava and the other kids at the orphanage was rough.

On that note though, I do want to give WN props for its surprisingly good representation when it comes to Ava’s disability. Maybe a little-known fact outside of disabled communities, but narratives like Ava’s where the person is magically cured by something are normally pretty unpopular (with us) and offensively written.

But the way it's handled is actually really good! Sure, Ava can magically walk and use her arms again, but we see repeatedly that she struggles with pretty basic (for an able-bodied person) things because she was never in a position to learn them. And even more impressive is how they managed to write Ava’s selfish/thoughtless behavior without demonizing her for it and acknowledging that it’s a result of trauma and something that needs to be worked on... like lots if things you have to work on after a long-term traumatic experience.

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I suddenly really want to see Ava and Shannon interact. Like, I know it's impossible on account of Shannon being dead, but I’m very curious what their interactions would look like.

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For some reason, I don't remember the OCS having this much screentime during the earlier episodes... which is good because tbh I really don't vibe with JC’s Drifter group... which is on purpose, we as the audience are drawn into Ava’s narrative and her thoughts and desires and outside of having some uh... Hormonal Feelings towards JC, she doesn't really care about the Drifters outside of having a good time, unlike how she eventually comes to feel out the OCS.

Which, on that note, maybe I’m noticing/paying more attention now because I’ve seen the back half of the season and have come to care about them in retrospect.

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Me Vibrating In My Seat: Look! This random tidbit supports my “Ava is the WN universe’s Second Coming of Christ” theory!

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Okay, another thing I don't think I’ve picked up before was that the flying levitating is a power that’s unique to Ava and that different Warrior Nuns have different “bonus powers” so to speak...

I wonder if, based on Lilith’s reaction during the scene, another one of Ava’s powers is either like... ridiculously high pain tolerance or super rapid healing to the point her brain doesn't register the pain from something as simple as getting hit by a stick?

Because Lilith and Mother Superion both seemed to think it should hurt and I feel like out of everyone they’d know what “standard” Halo-Bearer powers should look like best.

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Ugh Lilith... what sucks is knowing where her character arc is going and this whole “hunting down Ava” thing feels (pardon the pun) saintly in comparison to where she’s going.

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The Mary/Ava episode is probably my favorite episode of Season 1. Just, peek comedy with a mix of feels and lore, aka: perfection.

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Camila showing up to a knife fight with an automatic machine gun (after Ava was just shot with an arrow) is also peek comedy. “I really hope I got God’s message right.” Which I only just realized is a call back to the last conversation with Beatrice.

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Also just... knowing that Ava’s biggest fear is being alone, and like... the joy radiating off of her when Mary, Beatrice, and Camila are taking care of her while she’s injured hurts. Like... after the way Mother Bitch treated her for being quadriplegic, it was such a surprising experience to be taken care of so tenderly by people she’d only known for like... a week? After spending 12 years being told she was nothing but a burden by her own caretaker. No wonder she’s willing to die for them down the line.

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Also, forgot to say anything during the episode, but I love how the two women we’ve kind of seen as primary antagonists up to this point (Jillian and Mother Superion) are both developed into sympathetic characters (and future allies) during the same episode, which is also right around the time Father Vincent starts seeming a little sus (even though it’s hard to tell because everyone else is even more sus).

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Ah... the scene that started it all. I do love Beatrice’s coming out scene. It’s so beautifully done and I love Ava’s reaction, not just as someone who ships them. Like... Ava struggles a bit with empathy, when JC told her about his mom she didn't really seem to care all that much, but when Beatrice is opening up about her own messed up history and is clearly upset, you can almost see the switch getting flipped in Ava’s mind and she becomes genuinely serious and concerned for one of the first times in the show...

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I love heists!

That’s it. That’s the comment.

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The reveal that the main characters have been unknowingly aiding the bad guys the whole time is just... perfection.

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AAAND THERE’S THE CLIFFHANGER! Can’t say I’m upset I won’t have to wait another two years to watch the next episode, lol.

[stitching-in-time]

Voyager rewatch s2 ep19: Lifesigns

The only Vidian episode I actually like, it's also one of my favorites for the Doctor. Despite the fact that dating your patient is a big no-no in the medical field, I'll make an exception for the Doctor and Denara here, since they're both doctors, so you could kind of construe them as colleauges, but also, they're just cute as hell.

The idea of temporarily putting a patient's brain into a holographic body was a cool way of letting us see what Vidians actually look like when they're healthy, though I felt there was a tinge of sexism in having to portay a female Vidian as beautiful in order to be a love interest, or even a sympathetic character. She certainly didn't the weird voice or creepy mannerisms that all the male Vidians we've seem so far have. But I'll give it a pass because the romance between her and the Doctor really did work beautifully.

Of the surprisingly large number of love interests they've given the Doctor, Denara Pel is the one I really liked him with. She was at least somewhat close in age to him, they had a shared love of medicine, and he was kind and respectful toward her in a way he rarely was to anyone else. Their date scene was adorable, the actors had good chemistry, and the Doctor's unchanged love for her even when she had to go back to her Phage-ravaged body was a beautiful message that payed off the whole story.

One thing I didn't like here was the Doctor basically ordering B'Elanna to donate tissue to help Denara. Even if B'Elanna hadn't had a traumatic experience with a Vidian doctor experimenting on her, he can't just order her to donate any part of her body for someone else's benefit- that's a complete violation of her bodily autonomy, and against Starfleet's rules. Even when Worf was the only person who could donate blood to save the life of a Romulan, whose death could have had negative political repercussions for the whole Federation, Dr. Crusher never ordered him to do it, she asked, and accepted it when he said no. The Doctor yelling at B'Elanna and telling her she had to do it was a major breach of professional ethics, and I don't think he would have done something like that, even for the sake of someone he was in love with, because he would have been programmed to act within the bounds of Starfleet regulations. Though thankfully Denara interrupted him to tell B'Elanna she didn't have to do it, and asked her nicely, I think that as a doctor herself, she should have actually called him out on his breach of ethics specifically, since it would have been nice to show that Vidian society does still have some concept of ethics left, and the evil immoral ones are the exception rather than the rule. I don't think B'Elanna would have, or should have, given in so easily, especially without an apology from the Doctor and an admission that he was in the wrong.

Also didn't care for more of the 'let's make Tom Paris a jerk again without telling the audience why' plot. It just undoes so much of the progress he's made, and it's clearly not who he is at all. Even amidst all the insubordination nonsense, Tom's still out there being the mom friend to the rest of the crew. When the Doctor comes to him for romantic advice, Tom listens without getting annoyed or teasing, and earnestly tries to help out when he realizes the Doctor is down bad for this woman and has no idea what to do, even though the Doctor has treated Tom pretty rudely up till now. Tom's literally out there giving more kindness and compassion to people than they give to him, and yet somehow he's the bad boy?? What??

We also get the set up here for Seska's eventual attempt to hijack Voyager in a later episode. It seems weird that Jonas, or any Maquis, would still trust Seska after finding out she was a Cardassian spy, but for the purpose of the story arc, I'll go with it.

Tl;dr: A lovely romance story for the Doctor, albeit with a few subplots that weren't the greatest.