#i really wish people valued my time
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tony-andonuts 1 year ago
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So fucking overwhelmed and burnt out man
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skunkes 1 year ago
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doing figure drawing studies because i know thats what i should be doing right now but also ive been in a very insane deranged state for the past 2 months that leaves me like this whenever i look at a man for too long
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todayisafridaynight 7 months ago
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mine's done a lot of sexy things in my opinion but top five to me still is asking daigo if he wanted to prioritize The Family or one man Not In The Family
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donnyclaws 1 year ago
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I was gonan make a post apologizing for lack of regular art but I feel like jts already clear im sporadic and in and out of it bc chronic pain and circumstances. So for now I'm gonna hibernate, get my health steady again, deal with money issues, and art will happen when it happens.
#i do feel kind of worn down by it. i wish patreon and commissions didn't feel so taxing even with accommodations ive made for myself#maybe it'll feel better in the future when less is going on but rn it#places this barrier of management in front of art that makes it less relieving to do#cause there's always a part of my brain reminding me it needs to serve a purpose and needs to pay off in some way#which isn鈥檛 a new feeling for artists obviously. maybe doing it all since hs js also why it's tiring. and patreon changjng the way it does#working part time now too. idk if maybe id like to step back from it#it's abnormal that i worked taht hard and it did help me get out from my parents and stay out. but im also tired ect#idw let people down by not being able to keep up with a self imposed expectation or#be irresponsible and remove sources of income for myself. redbubble inprnt and patreon all suck in ways that bother me hugely#i only really enjoy itch.io at the minute#not to say anything bad abt patrons or commission clients you've all been excessively kind and patient and understanding always#i wish i could make them better i feel like there's no way how it is at the minute is of value compared to my output as an older teen#but yknow. self imposed worry. im just worn out and id like to just make things without the management and the fretting and the#i havent made a comic post for patreon in ages or this or this i havent made a speedpaint or a song or#yadda yadda lmao#sorry for the impromptu ramble#this isnt to say id never do commissions or a store or anything again or i want to not make money off art#god knows i will need to be grinding out comms once im well again but ex#i feel like im getting less and less able to manage it and then putting out less and less#and hoping ill somehow get very healthy and active again one day and make it worth the wait yknow.#it's not a feeling i want my art to carry in me.#part of me and the parent in my brain is saying it'd be selfish to give up income but the rest is like#that's cruel. i want to feel good and healthy
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lpsgirl109 20 days ago
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I would absolutely love for at least one of my friend groups to completely go all out for me for my birthday. The way girls at school get huge sashes and gift baskets from their friends. I've never really had that. I've never really had a group of friends band together to do something super special for my birthday aside from getting on call with my two best besties to play roblox. Which i guess is a bit disheartening because I've organized stuff like this for several people. I've put together calls so we could all sing happy birthday to someone and celebrate with them. Hell, not even a birthday celebration, but i once organized a going away party with my entire friend group for one of our friends who was moving to another state, because i loved them i wanted to them to know they'd be loved and missed by us. It would be nice to be on the receiving end of that but also it feels really silly to just Ask my friends to plan something special for me cause 1. Those are supposed to be surprises 2. I know it is My birthday and I have every right want to be treated like the center of the universe but I still feel very selfish asking people Hey can you make this day all about me and put effort into it please. Also it feels less genuine when people have to be Asked to celebrate me yknow. Idk maybe the realization that I'm turning 18 years old is finally fully kicking and that's what's got me down lately but man. For my birthday I really just want to know that I'm loved and wanted and not a nuisance that pisses people off every time I open my mouth
#Also and this is where I get really annoying but most of the time I don't get gifts from people who aren't my family#My last birthday i got gifts from two people out of my several friends and friend groups who really didn't do much#Other than wish me happy birthday or my two friends who always get on roblox with me#Which is also disheartening because i try to make gifts for everyone for their birthdays and christmas#If it's not something huge like the animatic and the animation meme and the attempted pmv I made then it's a thoughtful art piece#And if it's not that then it's at least singing them happy birthday and giving them a hug and letting them know I love them#Which I'm not gonna stop doing and I will never stop doing#I have too much love in my heart to ignore someone's birthday out of spite and I do not make things expecting something in return#Even if someone never ever gives me a birthday gift I will still give something to them every year because I don't want to be bitter#But I guess it just gets tiring after a while#Trying to do everything for everyone while barely anyone puts in the same effort for me#Again I'm not gonna ask anyone for a gift cause 1. Selfish 2. Disingenuous if it needed to be asked for#I guess I just wish more people valued me enough that they'd already do all this stuff for me#Make me gifts and treat me like I matter the most#Because I know i try to do that for everyone else#Idk I still feel selfish saying all this but also it's My 18th Birthday I think I deserve to be a little selfish#Man I need to go to bed midnight is always when I get ungodly sad over things I have no control over#harry osborn or whatever the fuck the new generation says /j
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thnksfrthmmrs 4 months ago
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#i鈥檓 having such a bad day i actually want to cry right now#this is my second time during my shift today just sitting in the restroom trying to compose myself#everyone鈥檚 acting like i鈥檓 in charge around here and immediately when i walked in i was kinda bombarded with questions#on a normal day i probably would鈥檝e been fine with these questions but i don鈥檛 feel well at all (think i鈥檓 starting my period)#so i just got really overwhelmed and started to feel extremely anxious#and now i鈥檓 so nauseous i actually feel like the room is spinning but i feel like i just need to suck it up at this point#my entire body also feels so hard to move and some parts feel numb because of the anxiety i think#i was already miserable before i came in so now i鈥檓 just stressed out :(#i spent basically the entire weekend feeling extremely unimportant and like people don鈥檛 value their time with me#because of a miscommunication issue but it鈥檚 like. idk. telling myself someone forgot doesn鈥檛 make me feel better#sometimes logically knowing the reasons is just an explanation#and then i don鈥檛 even wanna say anything because i don鈥檛 want anyone to think i鈥檓 needy or be mad at me or feel bad because of me#plus i never know when to bring stuff like that up. it never feels like a good time to tell someone they hurt and/or upset you#i鈥檓 so tired :( genuinely i just wanna sleep all week i wish i could stay home#at least it鈥檚 monday sami save meeeeeeeee
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veone 5 months ago
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also yall know that thing about how people with adhd will forget you exist if they don't see you, that is very true on my end.
#i am impulsive with my words and don't really take all the time the impact they could have#never want to be rude or offensive in anyway but sometime i am#i value my experiences over other people to much and need to just close that part of me when interacting with people with different lives#i got a bias towards lighter skinned black folks but not in the way that you'd think#i view the struggles of not being black enough or really poc enough as nothing serious sometimes which isn't great and i gotta work on that#like my reasoning behind it is because i have always been to dark to black my hairs not good my i'm inferior because of my brown skin#the amount of colorism i faced growing up from adults reading oh i'm not black enough people called me white looking always read to me as a#brag in a way like its not but it sometimes feels like that especially living in the states were looking less like the ethnic group you are#in is the standard of beauty#its fuck up i read the colorism that lighter skinned folks face as something good its self hatred#plus another part of me sits and gets mad for them like fuck you for trying to denying my hertiage and the shit i have faced because i'm no#dark enough or the struggles i face isn't as bad as you've experience.#i only really take issue with the i'm not poc enough or someone called me white because shit i wish thats what i got instead of being calle#monkey or burnt or made to feel ugly because of my skin or not family because i wasn't the same color as my dad or mom#can't be putting my shit onto people#its not right and its unhealthy#something i gotta work on#will say though i was called white growing up for speaking a certain way and liking rock music and not being black enough in personality bu#i can't imagine how that must feel because of just how you look#i felt isolated from my peers for alot of reason but having my appearance being so upfront in that is different and i feel for my#lighter skinned peeps. i got alot of shit from adults on my skin tone than my actual peers thankfully.
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widevibratobitch 7 months ago
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#havent really been active on tumblr the last few days but now i came back to post another vent and fuck off again lol hiiiiii#i havent cried in way too long. ngl sobbing hysterically in your bed does hit different lol#anyway. what a great time to remind myself of every single bad thing anyone has ever said about my body and my face <3#anyway i finished the sobbing till i cant breathe session and now my one eye hurts like there's sth stuck in it but there's nothing#but while i was digging in it trying to find sth under my eyelid that could explain the pain i really really looked at it#my friend once said my eyes are the colour of a swamp and by god she was right.#and like damn. i was never insecure about my eyes but maybe i should add that to the list.#but like whatever. like obv im not gonna start being actually insecure about mu stupid eyes but it did hit me that there is really#not a single thing about my body that i can with all confidence say is nice/pretty/whatever. not a single thing that i genuinely like.#like at best case it's 'not as bad as it could be'. like i have nothing lol. cant even honestly say something as silly as 'i like my eyes'#cause no. they look like a swamp.#idk im just so tired of trying my best all the time and still looking like a rotting leaking bag of garbage.#i try to remind myself that i dress funny and do fun make up and that is what people will notice about me but the truth is#everyone will still always see that under all that bs im just plain ugly and just generally unattractive#and ill never be able to distract anyone from that not really#like ik people who like me dont care about that but thats the thing.#im just tired of being one of the people that will always be liked/loved/whatever 'despite' sth.#like there is nothing of value in me that is NATURAL. its all fucking fake.#anyway. wish i were dead same old same old.
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imwritesometimes 8 months ago
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I always tell my family after I bake something 'I wish I could just do this for living' and every time they're like 'you could!!' and like... I'm pretty good at baking! and I want to make more money so bad but I also think 'they're hyping me up cause they're my family of course they like my stuff' but at the same time like... I know I make stuff that's better than what some ppl in town are paying $60+ for
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keptthepieces 9 months ago
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just another diary entry obvs
#i still feel so sad#yk i mean i take things very deeply very personally im sure some people remember may '21 lol#but this is just very hard for me because im so confused#why would you let resentment build towards someone about something they dont even know theyre doing to bother you#to the point that youre hurting the other person and they dont even know why for the longest time#it hurts a lot it wasnt even addressed at all until i brought it up bcs i couldn't stand not knowing and yet feeling so hurt and confused#i needed to know it wasn't in my head and i was right#but now im second guessing everything they talked to me so normally said they care about me all the way up until the day before#but ive felt the distance for a while so do they love me like they said or was that not true#if they dont then im such an idiot i really care about them i really respect them and love them#idk im really hurting very badly#really stupid for a 25 yr old to feel so hurt because they annoyed someone#but i just wish it was addressed sooner and for someone who prides themselves on being open and honest and direct..#it feels like they maybe just didnt care enough to talk to me about it.#so yk maybe they dont care about me.#which also feels like an offensive conclusion to come to about them when they dont lie and value honesty and openness so much#i dont want to think they dont love me bcs i do think i know them pretty well i do think theyd never lie about that#but maybe ive only convinced myself of that because it would hurt far worse if they didnt#whatever anyways im so stupid and i know i must have fucked things up by being too much again.#ill leave them alone and the hurt will ease up eventually#their friendship has meant a lot to me theyve done a lot for me i dont want to lose it completely i really dont#i just dont regulate well how much i care for my friends and its too much sometimes its one of the worst things about me#but i genuinely want my friends to know theyre loved and thought of and cared about and i mean it#and i cant always tell when i hit overbearing so i fuck things up.#anyways i am sorry i made someone i care about feel overwhelmed and i regret that i made them uncomfortable for i dont even know how long#im hurt but thats the worst thing i couldve done#okay ill shut up now stop talking about it its just still fresh to me obviously cant talk abt it on twt and they dont follow me here#i needed to vent without my irl friends 'fuck them' attitude bcs theyre a good person and friend and it does feel like its only my fault#for the most part anyways minus yk the communication bit#but we'll circle back to the do they even count us friends doubts and we dont need that ill move on now needed to get it off my chest
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13eyond13 2 years ago
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#i feel as though I should start a tag like deep thoughts with the bloz or some shit for my new kick of live journaling about my angst#but anyway hot tip for all the people pleasers out there#surround yourself with mostly supportive people who dont take advantage of others unfairly and who are thoughtful about other people#100% of the time it works every time to make your life so much more enjoyable and easier#and it isn't mean to expect at least the bare minimum of social competence and normal behaviour from others before you agree to socialize#and associate with them (which is sort of what i was guilted into believing growing up)#because guess what that's how you avoid harmful creeps!#your feelings and boundaries exist for a reason and it does suck that sometimes people are just really bad at social skills#but it's not your responsibility to be their therapist or the one exception who will be there for them or whatever else either if they're#truly making you feel weird or unsafe#you as a people pleaser are probably HYPER concerned with being pleasant and polite and accommodating and all these other things that#you worked very hard to become and you will burn yourself out and/or get hurt and/or resentful if you feel exhausted or used#or unappreciated for it and half the time you are actually doing it more for yourself than for others anyways#because it makes you feel valued and like a good person#this is also all related to having issues with codependency too btw which i do because my whole family does#def recommend reading up on both things if you relate it will improve your mental health very much#love you wishing you the best things in 2023 we all got this we are going to do great 馃槝馃А muah#p
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no-one-hears-me 1 year ago
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I miss all my old friends and it's sad to think that they probably don't feel the same way
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theoscout 5 months ago
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I went through the notes collecting screenshots of things that jumped out to me
Posts that were too long to be screenshotted: link 1, link 2
The history of the Disney company is so fucking fascinating and complicated that I could spend the rest of my life studying it.
I hate the company. I love the media. I want it to burn. I was profoundly shaped as a person by some of the art its workers have produced. It's evil. It's beautiful. It's an eldritch horrorterror personified as a charismatic mouse. It's a nightmarish example of capitalist hell. It destroys as much as it creates. It's a flaming trainwreck. I can't look away.
It's the goddamn Elephant's Foot of media studies.
#if selling your soul is real then it seems Walt really did so#he got everything he could have wanted (aside from possibly Epcot) but at what cost???#also I never even finished scrolling the tags for stories#there were too many#and there was a set of tags I wish I had archived on someones university having a course dedicated to disney because it was really That Big#I scrolled and couldn't find it#I've spent like an hour on this#and yes Your New Home keeps playing in my head#disney#walt disney#the disney corporation#I'm so glad I can conjure imaginary worlds in my head and never have the need to go to a theme park to experience them#because there were SO MANY PEOPLE who were talking about feeling bad over giving him control over the theme parks#long post#I don't think Walt would have liked what he's seeing now#not just because he was a perfectionist but because he valued art over money as seen with how he spent it#yeah it would still be a capitalistic nightmare to work under but at least you'd still be producing art#rather than buying every single thing that produces it#animation history#I wonder if he regretted putting his name on the company at any point?#he's almost as much of a mascot for his company as mickey is#that's how he lived too#appearing everywhere in tv and magazines like an instagrammer before instagram was invented#he wasn't the ceo#he didn't handle the financials#no one knew what his job was#he lived like how cartoon characters live#all over the place without any consistent job- just a face to be seen to the public#Roy probably built the company more than Walt did considering how many times he had to save his lil bro's ass#thoughts
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theladygazingatemptiness 2 months ago
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jesus fuck do I feel like a total idiot rn
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kavehater 2 months ago
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Oh . . . This girls friend wants to see her win but fatema just seems to always get upset or faults me by pitying herself when I do win (sometimes win is in quotations cause it鈥檚 a win in her eyes but it鈥檚 torture for me) and when I lose which is always she鈥檚 happy about it I think deep down but masks it as comfort and stuff :/
#:/#dora daily#and sometimes when people tell me these types of nice things her friend said to her my heart can鈥檛 help but break a little because there鈥檚#always something faulty with the way it is said unlike how this girl said it#for instance with dahlia she said something nice to me a bit more idk vulnerable yesterday and it was sweet but it hurt because she said#basically : I know I don鈥檛 say this a lot but I value you a lot and you鈥檙e one of my best friends even though we don鈥檛 talk a lot#but that made me sad because of the last part because that鈥檚 just so :( but why don鈥檛 we talk a lot#why not#I always am available unless the off chance I鈥檓 not and I鈥檓 panicking and even when I do so I鈥檝e only had that happen once with her#which was like last month or so#I was like that with everyone mind you#and yeah#every other time I always speak to her even tho I鈥檓 not speaking to many others#but the way she said this also implied that maybe she speaks to others and just not me#and the way she was explaining a situation w her friend implied that them not speaking for a couple of days is unusual and stress inducing#but :(#but that means maybe I over estimated my importance#yet again#why does this always happen to me#I鈥檓 genuinely nobodies bestest best friend#wth am I doing wrong#you know what I am not really that sad#but I kind of am#but I just accepted it mostly#everyone says oh you鈥檙e just looking at the bad and ppl actually do like you#well they don鈥檛 like me how I want to be liked so what鈥檚 the point ?!#they might as well not like me at all#if I don鈥檛 get to be liked how I wish to be liked in the way I want to be liked then there is no point#to me that is just not my ideal friend and sure we will talk but#but they will never again be in my eyes uplifted to that same status in my eyes
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buckleydiazmp4 5 months ago
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do you mind if i ramble in the tags about my weird relationship with making art in fandom for a second
#as someone who is studying art as a career one thing i have realized and also been explicitly told by various teachers#is the fact that having a 'consistent' art style is so overvalued sometimes that it ends up limiting you as an artist#literally i'd say 99 percent of the stuff we do in uni doesn't require consistency. it's actually valued when there isn't one#after all it is about learning and honing skills isn't it#so it has kind of put my personal conflicts in a different perspective#because before i started this degree i used to struggle so much with creation in non-academic spaces (which is pretty ironic. i know)#because the ppl and art i admired was mostly composed of art in fandom spaces#and the most appreciated artists in these spaces tend to be the ones who have a nice defined unique style#which isn't bad. i actually do still wish i could reach something like that#but it made me not want to create as much as i desired because i felt 'inconsistent' and i took that as a negative quality in my art#and it was so frustrating because nothing i tried seemed to 'stick'#which was also due to the fact that none of the varyingly different styles of drawings i posted seemed to reach many people#and yes i have heard time and again the whole schpiel of 'creating for yourself is better and quantity of likes/notes shouldn't mean as muc#to you as long as you're satisfied with your art blah blah blah'锟斤拷 c'mon. we all want our creations to be admired i'm tired of pretending#like i don't. i put it out there for a reason and it is for people to at least acknowledge it. it's the point of fandom. it's community#it's interaction. or at least it should be. that's another conversation though#so anyways since i started uni some time ago this frustration has been receding but it's very much still present#even more so when i get excited about doing/drawing something and then halfway through i get that pull in my chest of like. i'm actually#starting to hate it bc i can't reach what i want to#and so there's this disconnect that happens because i have many ideas and desires to create but i feel (even if it might not be true)#that i don't have the skillset to meet those ideas#which literally happens to almost if not everyone i know i'm not alone in this. it still sucks though#so i end up with about a dozen unfinished works monthly bc i start it/i reach halfway and hate it/i look at art and get inspired bc artists#in fandom are SO talented/i go back to it/i still can't reach the skill level i desperately want/i abandon it indefinitely#it's a horrible cycle that i really haven't been able to escape lately#it's also worse when you're at a time in your life when you don't actually have the opportunity or the time to try to achieve consistency#because you really just physically don't have the time to practice. which is the number one advice every good artist will give you#i am running out of tags but the point is. i hope we stop subconsciously putting consistent art styles in a higher pedestal bc it can be#very stressful for artists who struggle to find that in their creation#art related
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