#i really hate my commute
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Commute
Wake up early. Get dressed. Eat. Pack up and leave.
Map says work is 90 miles away. Map says this should take 80 minutes.
Drive 45 miles. Stop at light. Check map.
Map says destination is 45 miles away. Map says this should take 50 minutes.
Drive 20 miles. Stop in paused traffic. Nobody moves. Highway sign flashes a familiar street name, 8 miles, 25 minutes.
Check map.
Map says destination 21 miles. Maps says this should take 50 minutes.
Drive for 15 minutes. Stop at light. Check map.
Map says destination is 20 miles away. Map says this should take an hour.
#inqyblots#inqyblots was here#my writing#i really hate my commute#can haz better more reliable public transportation please
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Taking a break from amphibianaday soon and may or may not return
Day 1821 is coming up soon, marking half a decade of amphibians! After day 1821 I will be taking break to re-evaluate if I'm still drawing because I want to or because it's become a habit. Between fulltime work and hrt turning me into some kind of extrovert I have a lot less free time now. I guess I'm figuring out how I want to spend it?
I don't want to promise any kind of return but I also can't quite commit to deciding to stop for real yet. So. I'm waiting until day 1821 so I can end on a good milestone if I don't decide to keep drawing! :D
a bunch of personal soppy thoughts about it below if you're curious!
It's been part of my life for so long, it's hard to imagine not drawing every day now. But my life is in such a different place now than it was when I started, in so many different ways. When I started I was living with my parents, working a part time job I hated, hoping to study to become a game animator. I had only barely figured out my gender situation after years of questioning and denial. Since starting this blog I have:
come out as trans
got accepted at my dream school
changed my legal name
moved out
realized I didn't want to be an animator actaully
fell in love with rigging and programming
graduated and started working as a professional technical animator
started HRT
got top suregery
Kind of wild to think about how drawing amphibians has been with me quietly in the background through all this. I'm sort of moving away from bein An Artist™ (at least professionally), but drawing all these amphibians so far has been awesome and improved my art so much. I've made lots of art I'm really proud of!
Alos gotta take this time to say a Huge thank you to anyone who has ever said something nice in an ask, dm, reply, tag, etc. I read and treasure every kind message and it's always made my day to hear my art has brightened someone else's, or been an inspiration :)
See you in 2025!
#not art#maybe if i decide to total stop ill return just to do amphibiuary or something. make it a month long commitment instead of every day foreve#this one's been in the drafts a while... it's hard to imagine saying goodbye to the frogs...#but at the same time i dont have the time and energy i wish i had to spend on drawing and i will not force myself to minmax my commute time#id rather draw less than make myself hate it you know?#in the past i would get through an occasional busy period by lowering my standards but nowadays almost my entire life is a busy period#and im not so happy with the the ratio of 'art im really satisfied with' to 'art that's keeping me in the habit'
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kim (bitchy) radio moments [id in alt]
#i didn't have the lady lorry driver quest stuff going on so i couldn't get that dialogue in-game myself :pensive:#but i *did* go out of my way to re-roll the rhetoric crate check over and over so i could get money for the kristallsprach lol#contra.txt#disco elysium#anyway w that done that's all the vision quests! thank you daily three hour commutes for giving me the time to Game. i mean. i guess.#i don't really wanna be thanking my long as hell commutes for anything if i can help it on account of i hate them
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do i really want to make individual drinks again
#reaching back into the file cabinets of my mind to remember how i made certain drinks when i worked at the cafe#in preparation for the possibility of this new job#it would certainly mean far less goofing off time than i have at my current job. and i value my goofing off time dearly#but the people here are so fucking annoying lmao. i hate them soooo much#not that the people at this new job would be any better. we're still dealing with investment bankers#godddddd. what i really would want (which would be impossible)#would be to go back to working at the cafe but like. still have paid time off and insurance lmao#but the cafe was a small business and he was not offering paid time off and insurance. and the pay was way less#but i did get to play whatever music i wanted. unfortunately you cant live on that#like i can always say no to this new job if its offered to me. but is my goofing off time worth:#2 dollars less in pay and a half hour to an hour's more commute. well i dont know#a shorter commute would mean i could sleep more. and have more time at home .#i mean i probably don't Need all this goofing off time. but its nice#i dont knowwwwwww#like even though im a bit nervous abt doing it again i know that i would easily fall back into the routine of making drinks#which i was fairly good at. my one drawback is that i cant do latte art but i dont know that theyd really care here#and (because i found the menu of where id work) theres not a ton of drink options?? just the standard stuff#its being called a starbucks cafe but 1) its not managed by them and 2) it does not have their 5 billion drink options#so thats good. less to worry about#doesnt look like i even have to make anything foodwise which i had to at the cafe#here it looks like people can just buy a pastry and thats it#the hours are like. the same i work now. also good#sorry im like using this post to think through my thoughts.#uhhhh oh i looked up the manager who looks like a weenie so im not keen on the prospect of interviewing with him#but i probably would have thought that about my current manager if id seen a pic of him prior to interviewing. i guess???#and with these kind of catering units it seems you dont often deal directly with the manager that much anyway#i just gotta see if i get good vibes#rn i have unsure vibes. but i need a sign to see if this could be good for me#oh id also save money on transportation. and taxes! bc i wouldnt be working in ny anymore#lol oops tag limit. well i hope you enjoyed my job thoughts you probably didnt i know i didnt
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i had the day off so i spent like five hours doing budgeting. jesus fuck why is everything so expensive
#i'd need to make over double of what i'm making now to be able to live on my own#either a.) without a car + with a roommate somewhere near the city#which means i'd have to learn to use the public transport here. i've looked into it and none of the bus lines go beyond a very limited part#of the metro area so i'd need to find work somewhere within there.#or b.) with a car + renting on my own somewhere further out. the commute would be ass and the car maintenance even assier#thing is i really‚ really need to figure this out because i NEED to get out of this house for good#after i graduate i cannot land back in here.#there's this really cute girl i met at the club last month and we've been talking a lot and i'd love to be with her and i know she would to#but she's trans and my parents would legit throw me out of the house if they found out#and she doesn't deserve to be hidden‚ y'know? i want to be able to tell everyone i know and care about about us#but i just can't do that right now. and i hate the thought of missing out on relationships and stifling myself like this out of fear#i talk a big game sometimes but i'm TERRIFIED of the people and the things i've noticed i'm attracted and drawn to#because i know what my parents say about 'those' people. i've heard every mean-spirited‚ downright disgusted thing they've said#and for all the smiles and the hugs my family throws my way i know what they are. i've seen the treatment they give queer family members.#i have an uncle who didn't speak to his daughter for almost a decade when she came out as a lesbian#it was only a couple years ago that they started to reconnect and she can't even bring her partner to family gatherings because it makes#people 'uncomfortable'#i'm sorry i'm rambling at this point but i just wish things would get a little easier. instead i feel all this pressure and everything#getting harder#nothing left to do except put on my big boy pants i guess#sansgwilie
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yapping aimlessly tonight
#jaerambles#i just have a lot in my brain!!#anyway i keep getting asked what i would want to do in an ideal situation. if money and time and stuff were no object#i really do think it would be just aimless learning.#like learning new crafts. reading without having to respond to it. sponging up knowledge without the expectation to Say Things#it feels a bit. selfish.#but i don’t really have an endpoint to reach nor do i have something to say. like i just want to acquire experiences and learn things#i get really nervous when people ask me what makes me happy because i don’t know. i know what makes me uncomfortable and scared though#i would also like the ability to just change my situation a lot as much as i want. moving to new places and leaving when i don’t like them#trying new professions without having to stick to them or work up a ladder#drop everything for a weekend to go see friends. things like that.#i say all these things as though i haven’t been too afraid to leave my house for the past 6 months djfjdjfjdjfjjd#i’m trying to be less avoidant lately though. like ideal situations are not my reality!#real life is me being too scared to think of possibilities so in reality i just have to take the tiniest steps back to normalcy#ppl with the jae lore remember when my commute to school was literally 5000 miles#or when i worked two jobs and was so about the grind because i had a reason to want the money#like i used to have So much going on. and now i don’t. and i don’t know what i am in the absence of being Busy#there’s still so much i don’t understand abt bpd1 i’m so scared of making changes too suddenly because i HATE who i was in august#or not who i was. what i was doing.#but now i’ve swung the other direction and i do nothing 😭 i don’t feel like i’m Living rn#i feel like i’ve started all over again. i almost had it i was gonna do two internships and keep doing my cute little barista job#and have a senior year that was gonna be about growing and finishing strong#and then of course my maladjusted ass sees [irreversible change event] and like. yknow#this keeps. happening to me. i want to be so much better than this 😭😭😭
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Completely fixated on making my cloak the past couple of days and now have the hood almost completely done and the cloak pieces measured, cut, and marked to be sewed together. I've sewed a zigzag pattern into the hems of the hood and already planned how I'm going to jazz it up with stitching in embroidery thread over the top to hide the machine stitching and make it look like it was more roughly made
I've also been making rings for chainmail which I am going to put as a mini top layer across my shoulders, and have started loosely planning the arm pieces to go with it as I have material from old green trousers that is stiff enough to work well as a base
My brain has been wirring like mad all weekend and I am EXHAUSTED but happy with my progress
#delete later#and i have to work tomorrow rip#BUT i have had the task i fucking hate taken off my plate so im noy going to spend the morning completely overwhelmed which#is SUCH GOOD NEWS IM SO HAPPY#i straight up told my high manager i dont want to do it again in our 1-2-1 a couple weeks ago and she seems to have taken it seriously#thank god#im really glad i chose to speak up about that instead of just being like#its fiiiiine#proud of myself!!!#and now i can concentrate on my apprenticeship work instead of being so overwhelmed i have mini meltdowns on my commute
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so. turns out. mental health days aren't SUPER effective when at least 60% of what you need a break from is your OWN FUCKING FAMILY, AND THEY'RE ALL HOME ALL DAY!!!!
#text#personal#whine whine whine#im afraid i hate it here#i tried for a REALLY long time not to phrase it like that but#goddamn i fucking hate it here 😭😭#i thought at LEAST id get a FEW hours of fake solitude today because mom would be at work#but shes sick :( so she was home all day too :(#and like i cant be mad at her because shes ill and pathetic but#i wish my father and my brother would gtfo for like a FUCKING AFTERNOON#GO SOMEWHERE#DO SOMETHING#LET ME HAVE SOME SOLITUDE#im going on three years without ANY fucking SOLITUDE and thus i hate it here :)))))#and bro has the audacity to be irritated with ME about ME BEING HOME#i stg i am GONE for a FORTY HOUR WORK WEEK PLUS COMMUTE PLUS LUNCHES#I AM OUT OF THE HOUSE FOR 50 HOURS A WEEK AT LEAST#WOULD IT KILL YOU TO NOT BITCH ABOUT IT WHEN I AM HOME#im so angry#im so angry all the fucking time and i fucking hate it#and i KNOW what would fix me and it is NOT HAPPENING YET#i KNOW what would be a good bandaid fix and i have been SHOT DOWN EVERY FUCKING TIME#i have to go back to work tomorrow on top of everything 😭#maybe ill go read at the bar or some shit after i dont fucking know
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having a great time on Planet Earth again (I’m not)
#I am going to go into office eventually and they vaguely mentioned a location that is 2 HOURS away from me by transit 🫠#none of us heard it correctly so we don’t know for sure#but I did cry today because the amount of time from my life that I will lose just by commuting 5 days a week made me so upset and angry#I’m not really in a position where I can quit right now so I’ll just have to suck it up but yeah this isn’t nice at all#hate it here
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when the yuutsu of the getsuyoubi gets too out of hand yk—
#i wanna complain about my monday so hi tags you’re my rant victims now—#so like i was already super crabby this morning after sleeping through 2 alarms. which was the perfect start to the monday really.#i ended up leaving the house late (as you do) and when i finally got onto the train that’d take me to my workplace… there weren’t any seats#standing for an hour-long journey across the country when you wanted to nap along said journey is unwarrantedly angering y k ಠ‿ಠ#and when i finally reached my stop… the bus that i had to take to my workplace was right there at the bus stop. i could make it if i ran!!!!#so i ran… but there were these two ladies walking at a snails pace down the stairs leading to the bus stop. ಠ‿ಠ#so ofc i missed the bus by a single second. like,the bus pulled off from the stop the moment i ran up to it. not. fun.#so i was a little late to work (still within the grace period though which was cool ig)#then i was told that i’d be stationed at the worst workstation and i!!!! aaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!#the freakin’ calibration check thing kept failing by 0.20!!!!!!!! it was soooo closeee but nooooo it just had to fail.#thankfully my coworker helped me with part of the workstation while i suffered. nice dude.#i kept (almost) falling asleep in front of the computer while waiting for the checks and stuff though. but i couldn’t actually sleep so :(#it’s too early in the week for this nonsense </3 i hate it here </333#and then i found out that ✨drama✨ happened at work on saturday… but i was completely unaware of it bc i’m oblivious af. truly saddening#i could’ve witnessed greatness— but noooo i just had to loop my music at full blast instead#anyways the workday passed exhaustingly. i gained my energy in the afternoon though. which was dumb bc it meant my morning was unproductive#and ofc when i was about to clock out… i got a scam call while i was in the workplace bathroom. how auspicious#and thanks to the few minutes that i wasted on that bs i missed the earlier bus out of the workplace. yay#and ofcccccc when i finally got a seat on my commute back… i’m stuck between 2 manspreaders. the temptation to kick their legs is real ngl#literally hate it here </3 i should’ve called in sick today#i just hope that i won’t have to teach the interns anything tomorrow… fingers crossed mans#i’m just. sooooooo tired. and done with this. why can’t sunday come sooner </3#inedible blubbering
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it is way too fucking cold in this goddamn fucking house
#not to be dramatic but almost nothing about my housing situation has gone well for me#was the low rent really worth it? at this point idt so#the commute is nicer but also. i hate my life in this house rn and I’m stuck here for another 8 fucking months fuck my fucking life !!!!!!!#it’s not even that bad it’s just a bunch of small-moderate things that are adding up and are making me lose my fucking mind#ramblings#this post was sponsored by our heater that doesn’t work yet (:
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i was so caught up in my disgust at the idea of working 8 hours at the office and spending 40+ minutes on commute that i'm only now realizing i can't take the same buses to and from the office. i'm gonna throw up
#i wanna quit fr#like. ok i have a strict policy against any sort of decision while on my period because i always always fuck it up instantly#but this makes me genuinely anxious. i dont like taking the bus alone at all and i specially dont like the idea of two separate routes#comprised of two buses each#i can go by train but thats the stupid route. i have a friend who walks to the station that i could probably go with but its stupid#walking 40 minutes at 8 in the morning just to get to the next leg of the journey... thats a joker origin story#ive a feeling of a burnout just waiting to happen#eight hours man. ten with commute. i barely work six at home bc i just cant do it. to get paid like i am?#i genuinely think im better off with a 'i work from home or dont work at all' ultimatum#god i really hate work i dont think ill be able to. keep going like this for 40+ years yknow#i AM just whiny and bitchy and lazy and anxious about being seen as a young woman alone but im also right
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I can’t live without a dishwasher any longer it’s ruining my life
#it’s bad when you live alone#but when you live with others it’s AWFULLLLLL#I can’t stand it#especially knowing that my rent is going up this year#and I could already live in a place with a dishwasher and in unit washer and dryer and a fitness center and better location#for the same price or cheaper#but I’m stuck HERE#I hate this place#I mean it’s fine it’s really fine#it’s a beautiful little house#but I hate it lol#I need a dishwasher or I’m going to lose my mind and idc how privileged that makes me sound#it’s my least favorite chore and the dishes ALWAYS pile up#it’s just fucking hard!#and working full time and going to school full time is not fucking easy#I don’t have fucking time for this#+ the fact that living here means at least a 45 minute commute every day#which is fucking insane#I could save money and time and be happier in literally every single way#on the other side of town#but. he can’t leave his friends and I can’t leave him#so I’m stuck here#and I’m going to sign a lease for another year here in a month#because I truly hate myself and that’s the only explanation
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officially said yes to a new teaching position and the dude immediately is like "so what about your salary?" as if i know what the fuck kind of salary makes sense ?????
#it's partly on me because i should have checked the statistics for that council#but i am also a very outspoken hater of this new system where teacher salaries are individual#which means someone who is more aggressive can just get loads more money#which means the school budget gets fucked bc the budgets are really limited#and i'm like. i'd rather have more qualified teachers around me than have a huge salary myself#bc i'm not in teaching for a big paycheck........ you know ???#so yeah i just said £200 more than i currently have#and he went 'yeah let's agree on that'#so like. god only knows how much he was prepared to give me ?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!??! i hate money. i hate this system#but yeah. yay me.#it's wild being a teacher who is not from a middle class family bc i'm like. constantly earning more money than i've ever imagined earning#even though i'm teaching and teachers' wages are low and should be higher#anyways i get to cut my commute by 15 minutes and i think i get 2 coworkers of colour at this new school#at least if i go by their facebook page.. so all in all: a win#let's just hope i like this school bc i don't wanna go on another job interview for a fucking decade i hate this shit
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apartment hunting be like 'that flat is in an inconvenient neighborhood, that building is right next to a massive construction site, that kitchen hasn't been updated since like the 70s and the stove looks like a fire hazard, this apartment has a super inconvenient layout, this hasn't got enough storage, a minimum one year contract...'
#noopa rambles#frigging studio apartments having stupid layouts#esp the trend with new apartments to have the kitchen just along the living space wall is killing me#it makes furnishing the rest of the apartment such a pain#fucking hate that moving seems like a smart option atm#bc there's gonna be construction that will last for years right outside my window soonish#I'll have some time to find a place before it starts#I really don't want to live right next to a construction site for years when I work from home#if I didn't work from home it wouldn't be an issue#ofc I could wait and see just how loud the construction will be when they start doing the demo first#kinda still wanna move cities but the city I wanna move to is so much more expensive#I'd either need a roommate or live far from downtown#which would be super annoying for a side job commute and I'd like a side job#and I don't exactly know anyone I could ask to be a roommate#and let's be real I also wouldn't want to ruin friendships by existing as a roommate#I feel like I'd be a disaster as a roommate#I really like my current flat the layout is sooo good and the location is excellent#I'm lowkey just considering finding a flat in the same group of apartments but a few buildings down#so that there'd be at least a block and two-three buildings between me and the construction#but idk if that'd still do enough to protect from the noise so it might just be pointless to move half a block#but this location is just so good man!!!
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One of the things I think I hate most about assistant editing, or simply being a below the line person in general, is watching a director or producer make a bad decision that you're powerless to stop and you know you're inevitably gonna be the one who has to eat that shit sandwich.
For example: Next Friday we have to deliver the rough cut of the first episode of the show to the network. Today during the team meeting the executive producer casually announces that he expects the interview they're shooting the day before the cut is due to be offloaded, ingested into the avid, audio synced, script synced, the bites he ends up wanting pulled and cut in for the rough cut delivery. And that's on top of all the usual stuff I have to do when delivering a cut (rough audio mix, quick QC pass, etc etc).
Like, that's all but guaranteed to be an all-nighter and I just don't bounce back from those the way I could back in my early twenties.
#film and television#post production#documentary#an assistant editor speaks#Really hoping my boss lets me do the work from home but whenever there's anything remotely high stakes he'll insist I come into the office#I hate working late nights at the office cause it gets so creepy when you're alone#and it's in an area where I often get a lot of street harassment-esp at night#And when you're done you still have to commute back home
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