#i realized that ive been posting way too much
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hi hi hi ill probably release some very old tot drafts (theyve been ready to post for a year i just got lazy) and maybe the gepard piece that i have still yet to write (aventurine has me on a chokehold rn erm..) for now HAHAHAHAHAHAH
love maybe updates will still be posted as usual but ill try to balance them with my old content that's purely written again hehehe
#( spam )#i realized that ive been posting way too much#smau stuff ever since i was writing upmel#and i didnt want my actual writing skills to go rusty so :) here we go
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hm. might fuck around and draw some other peoples ocs just for funsies when I have time its a nice change of pace from what I usually do
#im not gonna do requests since I dont want to promise too much to anyone#but if people are interested in me drawing their ocs I guess like this post? and then I'll go through and find some to draw when I have tim#mutuals I might just draw ur ocs regardless I hope thats okay#ive been wanting to do that for a bit but I always get worried it'll be like...weird or something? IDK but im fuck it we balling#I keep getting really caught up in really big complicated ideas and like#its nice to just draw something a little different than that#I do have some bigger projects on the backburner but I think it'll help to just doodle some new guys as warmups or smth#to remember how to work with the basics instead of like. one million factors.#also who knows if ill stick with this when it isn't 11:30pm but I have been looking forward to artfight and im realizing I dont have to wai
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grief will have you saying shit like goddamn and fuck maybe the abuse was worth it
#ive made this post before i just cant find it and it’s all im feeling rn#god i miss my parents so fucking much even though they were the cause of SO MANY of my problems that idk if i’ll ever heal from#but navigating life w this grief and without their support- however little it was- feels like hell#but the abuse felt like hell too.#ive said it before but i was JUST getting to a place where i felt i could stand up for myself and knock down thwir shit a few pegs. or at#least become more resistant to it#i saw a future with them in it for the first time in my LIFE#and it was bc i’d done SO MUCH FUCKING WORK. and now i feel like it was all so fucking useless#it’d be easier if i was still in the phase of anger i was at like 19#but i’d processed that quite a bit and was trying to move on#FUCK. i had made SO much goddamn progress right before my mom got sick#then everything went down the toilet cus i cannot fucking have anything#it’s so unfair. i wish i could at least redo the last 3 years of my life#i would’ve done things so much different but i was so traumatized and still so angry and bitter and trying to preserve myself#ive come to the realization tjat the person i am today did not exist back then and therefore i shouldnt beat myself up bc it literally wasnt#available to me. i couldnt have done anythimg different bc i was in such a state of survival#and truthfully ive grown a lot since then even if im still in the trenches#the timeline of my entire life has been so fucking unfair#and i dont know how to reconcile any of it i dont know how to cope with my worst fears coming true#and i mean worst fears. even the way they passed. spot on to my worst fears#i despised what they did to me but i still didnt see life without them until i was at least 30#it was all so sudden and quick and shocking#yeah they were horrible parents but i was a horrible kid too. maybe i straight up just deserved that shit#and i’d go back to that and seeing a future with them in an instant#over this bullshit#it’s so hard. and then losing all my pets too at the SAME TIME. all my babies#everything that i loved ripped away from me in the span of MONTHS#it’s all too much. l oh fucking l. no wonder im 3 shots deep at fucking 3 pm#it just hurts so bad. so fucking bad.
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#vel 17#hanging out in my silly bedroom drinking too much water to handle#thank you so much#i'mma do something i dont think ive done in years and like#give commentary in the tags & shit#i think simply put ive been trying to find ways to talk about my stellar combo of ocd a panic disorder and cptsd for a long time now#& i still honestly have no clue#once i wasnt surfing from place to place last year i really just locked myself in here#and that was 10 months ago (7 months after it got really fucking bad). ive been feeling like this pretty much since i turned 25#finally being able to process what the people in life had to tell me was a years worth of legit psychological abuse#but now thats even getting outside my comfort level at the moment and ive been recontextualizing my whole life over here#ive barely been posting pictures outside of my bedroom cause ive barely left it#if you see this it means it escaped my drafts and i was bold enough to publish this tagspeak#i am merely just trying to expel ocd ruminations dont mind me 🪩#but idk. talking like this makes me feel gross and i'm starting to realize people don't usually feel it to THIS extent. like i feel nauseou
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unrelated to that rb but im thinking about it and i dont think piper liking jason was ever a forced heteronormativity thing i think she genuinely liked him
#like i relate to her so much cuz like i also like guys and even though at this point in my life im more attracted to girls ive never#considered my guy crushes as 'not knowing i was queer' i think i genuinely liked them#but also the concept of piper not dealing with her internalized amatonormativity hits sooooo hard like i didnt even think of it like that#the fact she moved on from jason so quick too. not that she needs to always feel sad for him but it had to have been like at max 4 months#which isnt to say people cant move on its just for your ex bf dying that seems so quick to me#her turning to romance again to help her problems because its just what shes always been led to believe#especially as a daughter of aphrodite.... wow many thoughts. want to put her in the microwave#in other news i totally admit as cute as her and shel are it was definitely forced as a way to 'show' she was queer#but she didnt need a girl to show she was queer she could hvae just told it honestly. not everyone who finds out theyre queer is immediatel#in a relationship and you dont always need a relationship to realize youre queer#sorry that post got me thinking about other things lol#piper mclean#riordanverse
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Ok I’m glad I found the actual ask box instead of the EMBARASSING thing I did earlier, aside from that
How long does it usually take you to make a drawing? :3 I know it’s different depending on the caliber of the drawing but for an example let’s say just Barnaby and Wally doing whatever in a scene
I’m very curious about your process!! ^w^
i just saw what you mean and for your sake i'll Pretend I Did Not See lol. its ok tho it happens, Tumblr's a tough cookie to wrangle
hm. it Does vary wildly, both depending on quality, how used to scribbling a thing i am, and how well the art-mojo is flowing! on a bad night, a simple sketch could take an hour while the same sketch on a good night could take 15 minutes
and it's also hard to say since i don't really keep track! for example, The First One in this collage is a more involved sketch and i suspect it took thirty minutes maybe? i remember having some Difficulties so maybe longer? trying to get size differences between multiple characters in the same sketch adds a Lot of time, as does making sure they interact properly. while the last one in the collage (the Nom) probably took closer to ten minutes
i know the Laughingstock in Aziracrow's outfits i belted out in, oh... an hour or three? it's really hard to say! i think it was several bc i was watching gomens at the time, and i think it got through a couple of episodes... clothes add a lot of time! but certain things that i thought i did Quickly took hours in reality, and i only notice when i look up and see the clock has Changed Drastically! i have a very loose perception of time!
it really just depends on my motivation & how used to drawing something i am. like scribbling Eddie takes a while, lots of guidelines and erasing and redrawing. but scribbling Barnaby? easy. takes me seconds in comparison. way less guidelines - i know where everything is and where it goes! drawing dragons takes even less time - This One was done in a Blink, and the only guides i used were head circle / snout circle / jawline.
#the Size of the sketch absolutely makes a big difference#like sketch comms are really tough since im drawing them at a Much bigger resolution#and it throws off the feel of the brush & i have to go about it in a drastically different way than what im comfortable with#because i want to provide the Best Resolution/Quality possible!#and then tiny sketches are easy and quick cause it's close quarters. cozy!#and im more accustomed to keeping my brushstrokes Tight and Short#but im slowly getting used to scribbling Bigger!#just today i realized i was automatically scribbling larger than i used to#good! higher quality!#it will translate into my comms hopefully!#i still have one left... ive been slowly chipping away at it#rambles from the bog#i think im underestimating the time...#bc i Do draw slowly i think#it usually takes a while!#unless im In The Zone and then im belting things out at lightspeed#like remember that glorious time period where i was posting every day often Twice a day and the queue was backed up for Days?#yeah.... me too....#i am very rarely in the Zone#its tough to think and its tough to Create and the process is so much!!!#it takes Energy i rarely have! so that slows it down too...#but yeah my 'process' is very much Not a process lmao#in the wise words of hobie brown: i dont believe in consistency#its not in my nature! to my detriment more often than not!
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thinking about vampiric arakawas again just so i can make a 'blood-sucking politician' joke
#snap chats#have i ever posted my vampire arakawa musings. i think i did long ago in a distant land. or at least for halloween vjaERLVKJ#anyway i was having my evening stroll with my dog and thinking about how much i love dark-renaissance age stories and whatever#which is a weird way to lead into vampires since At Least Dracula vampire stories dont start until the victorian - progressive era#though i guess you can do whatever you want with mythical creatures and its not as if vampiric stories cant start during the 1400s either#theyre immortal and Not Real (i hope) so anythings possible theres no need to be super restrictive#i am. literally not getting to the point Point Is it could be funny .....#thats why they cna be really good assassins like just eat your targets tf <- vampires dont eat people#but then of course i have to wonder the implications ... oh ive definitely made this post but im still curious#fuuuck man i wanted to make my joke but i just realized how do i even get to that joke cause i dont think masato would be a vampire#dhampir as i definitely said way back then IF THAT. what were the circumstances wait shut up why are there police next door#bro im too nosy this post is interrupted hang on#not nosy enough to keep watching im bored its probably nothing anyawy. cause i think sawashiro and ikumi woudlve been human#like during the uhhh idk dark ages and maybe arakawa turns sawashiro into a vampire later on but what of masato .....#idk im not gonna think too hard about it. right now just take my blood-sucking politician joke idea we'll figure it out later#stopppp i was wondering about vampires in japanese pop culture but then i rmemebered mandurugo WHICH. are filipino but STILL FOUL#im everywhere im ending the post now bye#wait i have to end this post cause why tf did my bestie send me a tweet being like 'look forward to the future of chao'#since shadow x sonic generations is coming soon LIKE DONT PLAY WITH ME AVBOUT CHAO I DONT PLAY ABOUT THEM FUCKERS#ok im ending the post now for real bye im gonna throw up
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ive never had engagement to this extent on my art cross platform between tumblr And twitter before... it's so surreal to me. thank you all for the kind words!!!
#i'm almost tempted to plug my main LOL#<- won't. because i'm shy.#i'm a tumblr native at heart so posting on twitter is very new to me but i see why artists might prefer it over tumblr now#it feels more... visible?#as opposed to here where it feels more like i'm allowed to exist within my own bubble...#i much prefer tumblr for talking/rambling... i love talking in tags..#also i realize now ive been spoiled by tumblr's lack of automatic crop. fighting for my life over on twt trying to get those images to work#i feel like i can't. touch too many things on twitter. or talk too much. because something will break.#i also feel way too highly visible there like an ant being hit with a beam of sun through a magnified glass#i usually take to making a side account like this whenever i get a particularly lethal interest to wait until it naturally dies down#but it's normally a very lowkey affair. i never get notes like this! even on main!#so thank you all once again for the kindness..
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been meaning to mention this but i kept forgetting: i think it's interesting how most of the characters have some signature catchphrase when they tera
for friede and lizardon it's "surpass your potential"
for amethio and ceruledge it's "follow your own path"
#i know there are others for like the game characters too but i dont know them off the top of my head#i know arven and mabosstiff is always something relating to glowing/shining#i have nothing interesting to add or like speculate on i just thought it could be worth mentioning#i have like. all these loose ends swirling around in my head and no idea how to articulate them#me when i try to be smart/theorize but i have adhd#the only thing is i think friede's line is symbolic of his journey as a professor#from being bored and assuming he's seen it all vs post meeting cap and realizing he had so much left to learn and experience#and i think amethio's line esp will be relevant in terms of his own personal growth and development#to 'follow his own path' no matter what form that takes#he's certainly already made the baby steps towards that#uhhhh yeah#shark speaks#pokemon horizons#my bad if someone else has pointed it out by the way#ive been playing too much stardew havent been online lolololol
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i know doctor who has never been Perfect, and i love capaldi, i love twelve, but christ alive its a hard watch sometimes
#toy txt post#they just made him so egregiously and blatantly RACIST? like to the point where im like was this like? an on purpose characterization#choice that i just strongly disagree with? or like? is it a consequence of the writers trying to be less racist by including more#characters of color but failing by not checking their own implicit biases so now not only is the doctor racist but like. egregiously so bc#theres so many more opportunities for him to be racist? like just#and if youre sitting here like hes not!!! how dare you: pay attention to the difference in how he treats characters of color vs white chars#he hates soldiers. okay fine thats been fairly consistent. okay but 12 RLY hates them. he hates them so much he cant stand Claras bf Danny#who should be the doctors like ideal soldier bc he was a soldier who didnt want to be anymore and just wants to chill and do good in the#world and for ppl to be safe so hes just a nice math teacher and the doctor calls him stupid and treats him as if hes fucking rambo? but#the doctor is largely fine with: kate lethbridge stewart? hes fine with ogood who may not be a soldier in her own right but shes actively#participating in UNIT as a scientist in a way thats way more ~soldiery~ than anything Danny is doing? and like they clearly wanted that to#be a point of tension to point out the doctors hypocrisy of how the doctor is like a high ranking officer/general whatever#and like thats fine and fair to point out but it just sucks that they do all that and dont seem ti realize how fuckijg racist they wrote#him? he was fucking besties with winston goddamn churchill but he refuses whatshername. journey blue? as a companion bc#shes a soldier. well bro you could make her not a soldier by removing her from the fucking battlefield maybe instead of getting morally#outraged about it? not to mention noticing how when he goes from '900 yrs of space and time and ive never met anyone who wasnt important'#wandering around being fine with UNIT apparently declaring him dictator of earth in emergencies (HELLO?) but dont worry he'll let us know#he disapproves by picking some random UNIT guy to be a really condescending asshole to. pay no attention to the fact that this UNIT#guy happens to be another character of color. ~the 12th doctor is too faceblind you cant call him racist~ well for a guy who cant tell#humans apart from sontarans his accidentaly racism beam is off the charts. its crazy. god#god i wish he'd gotten written better than this#when they do write him good they write him good. but godddddddd its so#doctor who
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another doodle :3 mtt clothing swap!
DUST STOP SERVING WITH HORROR AND TAKE YOUR DEAD ASS BROTHERS SCARF OFF KILLER HES ABOUT TO HAVE A MOVIE REALISTIC PANIC ATTACK
#this is what bad sanses is to me#horrordust having the time of their lives and then the world + nightmare being out for killer#no because why do they look good in each others clothes. actually why did i ask theyre mtt OF COURSE they look good in eachothers clothes#i cant tell im just biased or not but dust doesnt look that bald without the hood the way i drew him#he looks FAR too similar to classic in my style though its unnerving. ive been noticing that recently its scary#change the colors on him thats classic. thats sans undertale#killer a PAPYRUS behind you 💙#hold up wait hold on??? DUST outfit killer... HORROR outfit dust... KILLER outfit horror........#that order of swaps is just like a certain other trio of mine. i wonder who. huh#swapinverse reference (only i understand because i have not told much about swapinverse to anyone)#triglycercule when will you stop talking about swapinverse when nobody knows about it and actually start swapinverse posting!!!!!#never (when i finish the full doc including character details and actual multiverse lore)#which will likely be in like 2027 or something idk man im a slow worker#slow in working and physical activity too 💔💔�� triglycercule what can you not not do?#i can be unnecessarily into 3 freaks who dont even know eachother and put them into every situation together#truely comedic. thank you i know. i am truly a comic. call me the muse of comedy. call me....... thalia (gets shot)#ANOTHER swapinverse reference???? WE CANNOT LET BRO GET AWAY WITH THIS ‼️‼️‼️‼️#was gonna say bruh but then i realized i would sound too much like epic and um#listen epic i like you but id rather shoot myself than speak like you bruh#yet another doodle where killer is the butt of the joke. at least its not like 90% of other jokes like this#where killer either gets the shit beaten out of him or he gets yelled at or someone gets angry at him#i dont have the right to criticize the majority of the fandom's humor ill silence myself#tricule art#THIS one goes in tricule art because its digital and not traditional. i know thats medium discrimination. i dont care#can you believe i only drew this during a 5 hour flight. seriously. 5 HOURS 4 ONLY THIS?????#whatever at least ive been drawing. bare minimum is best minimum#as long as i keep draw...... eventually ill improve....... its literally impossible if i dont improve if i dont keep drawing#imGONNA improve soon trust (when will it happne 😞😞😞☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️)
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realized the depths of my hatred for fanon byler once again n it can always grow it seems
#listen. I used to be someone who had such a hard time validating my own opinions n letting them form to the point where it showed-#-in evrything I did. n where even I thought for this I was just “overreacting” ovr the bastardization of the characters#like oh ok whtevr. maybe im wrong but damn#n THEN I found my lovely mutuals who felt the exact same way I felt n MAN. let me tell u it was the best feeling evr#n since then ive just been slowly realizing exactly why I dislike it so much lol I feel healed#anyways👋 saw Too Many Posts td n i realized I needed to get the hell out of the main tag once again
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i just watched charlie's first qsmp vod and y'all weren't kidding that census thing is fucking terrifying
#qsmp#mcyt#crazwaz posted#like the whole scene where it appears just. wow.#idk what pronouns ppl have been using to refer to it im just gonna use it/its idk if thats the correct set ive just seen the one vod#idk how much sway i have given ive only seen the one perspective but god if you havent seen that any of the ppl there's povs its real good#its about 2 hours 35 minutes into his vod#just. wil charlie and quackity vibing and then jaiden running in yelling that theres 'a woman in the walls'#them all going to investigate and not hearing anything at first. talking over each other.#then charlie hears it too. and in the background you can see it slowly crouching and walking in but they dont see it#until quackity screams and then they all see it and theyre all screaming and they all realize theyve been cornered in#and they try to escape and block it in but then they realize its in creative mode and theyre freaking the fuck out#then they calm down when they realize its just trying to ask them questions#and while theyre typing in their books A CREEPER FUCKING EXPLODES BEHIND THEM#and as theyre freaking out and realizing theres like. 10 mobs behind them- including more creepers-#the census is cheerfully repeating 'yes! yes! yes!' and jumping up and down excitedly#like literally big fan of horror stuff here and that scene felt like it fit right in#very effective. loved it. like the bits with the duck being like 'you broke the one rule so you can never leave' felt very creepypasta#but the census guy felt like an actual horror short film or something. not to diss the duck or creepypasta yknow its just different flavors#the way it comes out of nowhere too is very effective. like charlie is doing his el backflippo bit when jaiden comes in#not even fully out of nowhere too! like the campier bits with the duck gives it precedence!#also yeah gay sex island charlie has already slept eith two guys and has flirted with many more#'are you.... cómo se dice en inglés.... circumcised?'#so funny tho thinking like. my number one favorite part of the vod is that scary census scene#number two is charlie singing about argentina#number three is charlie in the caves with roier mariana and fit and theyre talking about circumcision#10/10 love it. i was right tho it is fucking with my brain because im trying to learn japanese and my brain is now combining spanish with#japanese because my brain has sorted those two languages into one pile thats just 'a language i have very basic knowledge of'#so now every time i try to start a sentence in one of those languages the other one tries to creep in#i had that problem when i first started learning japanese and now it returns hasdfkjhasdkjfh
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How do you call it when you want to sigh deeply but in a pleasant way but also scream and slam the wall at the same time but also you generally feel good but like STUFF STILL BUGS YOU and there are alot of intrusive memories and bad people you want to literally turn into paste but also you already came to terms that they’re nobodies and my life looks so much better now without their garbage presence and i’ve been super productive too??? finishing two wonderful sculptures and commission work and had a gorgeous meal with my wonderful partner AND THE DAY WAS WONDERFUL BUT IT STILL FEELS BITTERSWEET AND I STILL WANT TO AHGHFGGGHHHHHH
#being mentally ill //laughs weakly//#i think im just emotionally overwhelmed again because there has been alot of good/bad mishmash stuff#Mostly good but the bad is really...sticky and persistant#Ronkey posts#I keep thinking about the past and it pisses me off so badly that i find myself arguing with my brain for hours#getting angrier and angrier at people I literally dont want to give two shits about and then angrier at myself for not doing the right thing#to spare myself the heartache at that time#and then getting even MORE PISSED OFF realizing at what a position they put my life in that I need to now deal with in the present self and#just pointless anger loop#that literally does nothing but make my headspace volatile and worse when i try to take my time just...live my day normally and pleasantly#ive had alot of good things happen today#i dont need this noise#sucks that my brain insists on leaving the uneasiness but ill find a way to cope with it ;;#im just glad that i got to do alot of really cool stuff today and probably tomorrow too#taking things at my own time and pace did so much good and im gonna continue with the energy flow no matter what shit#tries to cloud my brain#wanted to vent out about ;_; Thank you friends
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considering faking my death to get out of this project. would still like to get a passing grade for it.
#googles how to get good grades even though you have died#ok this is about be a rant in a half and way too much info so excuse me but#ive been hyperfixating on our flag like crazy all month long#and i knew that and knew that i was going overboard#and i said all last weekend that i was feeling insane about it#but i didnt realize why until last night when i watched eps 6 & 7 and got mildly disappointed by what happened#because up until that point i was just having so much fun so that one small moment of not having fun#felt like a balloon had suddenly been popped and i was like OH FUCK! I HAVE TO DO THIS PROJECT!!!#like girl the reason we were hyperfixating that hard to such insane levels that we made a theory post about when ed and stede would fuck#was because we were avoiding doing/thinking about the project#and now ive just been sitting here still stuck and worried about this damn thing like holy shit when/how am i going to do this???#like holy shit did you know i was insane because i was stressed? i didnt!!#i have not stopped thinking about our flag all month and i just did not have time for all that!#AHHHH#anyway like......help i have to fake my death#personal
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22 isn't very much at all, I think.
#5am rambles#anyways ignore this as per usual im just thinking in a post that i'll delete soon. i just worry and writing it helps.#you ever wonder when you'll “grow up'? and then realize youre not even fully grown?#that theres still more to learn in life and that the mistakes you make are just that? mistakes?#that you are still so very very young in a world that is so very very old?#im almost 23. barely a quarter of my lifespan. im still a child in a way- my brain not fully formed.#you ever wonder how many mistakes you can make before you figure something out?#I dont know much of anything really. that's the sad part. and the adults who were supposed to help me learn... didnt.#i was failed. and now im a failure. at almost not quite 23 years old. Maybe i wont be a failure in another few years.#i still have a while to go before I die. I'm not going to waste time thinking about it. im just going to try my best.#I have time. I can learn. Grace and patience are not endless but damn if i dont try to figure things out#first step though is meds and therapy tho. we're done with the pity party. some things you just have to accept are okay#cuz my whole life i was taught that being emotional is a weakness. its pathetic and stupid to be upset or angry about anything.#any time i wanted to show i was upset or angry i was 'wrong'. i was 'selfish' and 'dramatic'#so i suppressed and pretended i was fine. that i wasnt weak and pathetic. that i was good and not an annoyance or burden.#i am not weak. i am not pathetic. i am fine i am fine i am fine you dont need to worry about the inconvenience at your door.#sometimes the shame is so much that i cant look at myself or even think i deserve help. that therapy is for people with real problems.#that i feel like ill just be told im like this for attention or dramatics. that im such a disappointment and selfish too.#ive been a “problem” my whole life to the point i dunno if i CAN be fixed. that anxiety eats me alive every day.#therapy is supposed to give you methods to cope#i dunno if it'll work though. I forget my appointments a lot. i struggle to talk sometimes. i may be autistic but its hard to get diagnosed.#emotions are so hard to figure out.
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