#i rarely personal post anymore?

[fallenvampyra]

omg it’s been a while uh

[stylezxsilvermoon]

okay yeah ! so i think i am gonna do a xmas theme, also i feel like this "promo" for cool kids / i'm faded is me trying toooooooo hard

(big rant under the cut)

, idk i just get very frustrated at these things so i think im just gonna go back to posting when i wanna, like being so real its always been my dream to be a big account and share with my readers, and at my CORE i still wanna be that but the issue is i dont know WHERE to start, and its not like im a new writer i've been writing since i was like 15 (what i'd consider the writing i like) and im just so ????!! about it, like i feel so physically incapable of being a fandom writer like i can't explain it its everything i want but everytime i work towards it i just self implode and stop posting / stop writing, like i still wanna write OBVIOUSLY but the pressure of wanting to "make it big" destroys me like everytime idek? and it seems so easy when i think about it but then when i do it its like LOL NOPE idc idc how much effort you put in. and yes it could be the fact i've never posted a complete fic so there's really nothing for people to know me for, i just feel like people get "suprised" i write on here LIKE YEAH, i post like insanely haphazardly but yeah i do!! and it feels so preformative and ugh.

also i've struggled for a long time on what i wanna do with this account, i wanna speak up about things which includes RB'ing a shit ton, but ive always had an unhealthy imbalance of what i wanna do on here, i wanna be a writing account but what abt the stuff i wanna bring to light by RB'ing, and yes i have other side accounts but they're all for fun, i dont wanna seperate my intrests because they all belong here, just like i do, its kinda my home atp. i feel like i'm one of those people who you dont miss on dash because i rarely curate my own posts and just silently reblog so ig its kinda my fault. idk, the more ive been thinking i feel like the "big fandom writer" thing isn't gonna be for me, and then AT THE SAME TIME i feel like im shooting myself in the foot everytime i complain and wanna pick up the fight again, but idk ive been whining abt it since i was like 15 and im oh so tired with everything going on in the world so i'm just gonna write my fics.

i feel like i write so diff from everyone else, like when i post something i want it to convey something in you, i want you to feel moved and feel appreciated and loved and happy reading something i make, and i dont even know if my writing is built to do that and i may be just dicksucking myself. idek. i dont wanna post for just notes i wanna talk about what i write with other people and for people to ask me why i chose what i did and why i wrote my stories and how it made them feel or what they like about it, and i just feel like im pandering to an audience that doesn't exist everytime i idek, write author's notes, ask for feedback, talk to people about what they like, i've always taken myself way too seriously and i just feel like modern fandom is so. so.

like i grew up reading 2010's fanfics and thats the kinda vibe i like creating, like 2012 chronically online wattpad stories, with long chapters and chatty authors and a bunch of funny comments, i just idk.

[lurakha]

if setting boundaries is so healthy why is it so hard :(

[softpine]

for my sanity i might have to write out the next post instead of using pictures because 1. i hate trying to make hospital scenes look visually interesting, and 2. my wrist is literally killing me after two straight days of nonstop crocheting and cutting fabric 🥲 or i could throw it way back and intercut a couple screenshots with blocks of text like the forum days... idk, what would you guys prefer?

[titsthedamnseason]

i actually feel like crying. it should be illegal to drift apart from your friends

[darabeatha]

/ Do u guys remember how back in the day, if u typed on tunglr search bar the name of whatever character/fandom u were interested in following rp blogs about, u would find their promos everywhere? like I recall back in the day searching 'fgo rp blog' for the tag and having a really high chance of stumbling across peeps writing characters for that fandom

[silverselfshippingchaos]

I have a few problems with this ship, but I just wanna thank her for her service 🫡

[icewindandboringhorror]

Misc. photos from the past year or so ~

[m4ggotm0ld]

I love ppl in fandoms that respect other people’s ships and headcanons

[orcelito]

Actually is there any cure to feeling like I'm a failure of a person if I don't keep posting fic regularly. Like I know this is not a job or anything. It's just for fun. But with how most people comment only within a day or two of when something is posted, I end up with weeks and weeks of no comments, even when the hits on my works still go up, so it makes me feel rather forgotten.

Like idk. This is probably just feeling worse bc im apparently phenomenally neurotic today. But I wish people commented on older fics more.

[lesbiansurge]

for april fools im deleting this blog forever. officer down you cop loving shits.

[ivyloveheart]

Yeah idk I guess I’m just gonna go back to just reblogging things idk. Not really too in the UTMV fandom anymore and I still can’t get many interactions.

[semiotomatics]

just accidentally booked a therapy appt for tomorrow which i very much did not mean to do and technically the clinic requires 48 hr notice for cancellations but idk how that works for last minute bookings so i emailed them and will call them in the morning and hopefully it can be cancelled w/o penalty but like ahhhhhhh why did i do that im so dumbbbb

[pahaperse]

Secret Spaceship Of Ridiculousness turned 10 today!

[primogem]

whenever i see cis guys i ache so bad for the life i could have but at the same time i’m too afraid to pursue it

[brokenmusicboxwolfe]

I wish some of you had seen my blog back when I was fresh to Tumblr. (I think all my early followers are long gone, but if you are still here….WOW, you haven’t escaped yet! Don’t worry, you’ll find the way out eventually!)

Back then I was so different. I would write about every movie I watched. I’d ramble on in posts that somehow still ended up making sense. I had a sense of humor that had people telling me how funny I was (No, really!) I’d give back story on my photos and sculpting. My posts might be heartfelt but not whining.

Of course, back then my life was in a downward slide, but I hadn’t yet started plummeting. It’s easier to laugh when you are rolling than when you are falling. Then it is kind of understandable if you do a wee bit more screaming.

Still…OMG, I am so fed up with myself! All my posts seem to be some sort of venting, all complaints and moaning. It’s disgustingly self absorbed in it’s misery.

I get that it’s because I have have almost no one to talk to, and no one at all that understands what I deal with. I don’t need perfect understanding, but I want someone to get me. I am working VERY hard and enduring more than is obvious on the surface, but I feel it is all unseen. I often feel desperate for my effort to be acknowledged rather than the general assumption that I must not be trying. (After all, we live in a world that equates success with good character and hard work, so obviously if you fail…)

Anyway, trust me, I find myself bored with my posts. I miss my sense of humor more than you can imagine. Geez, I miss laughing! I also miss being able to find space in my brain for anything more than my ever increasing immediate problems.

Despite the fact I doubt I will ever be the woman I was, if for no other reason than I will never have the luxury of time or security, I hope one day to at least occasionally sound more cheerful. Believe it or not, I have never let my woes flow freely, and kept certain things to myself, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been saying too much.

When did I become such a damn downer???

Maybe I should just not posts unless I can shoehorn something “good” into it. Like if a tree falls on my house I can always go “Woo-hoo! I know live in a tree house!” Alright real me might be sobbing my eyes out, but at least online me won’t depressing all my followers. And it won’t be lying about the facts, it will just be faking the mood.

Or not.

Oh well, sorry you never knew the old me. It’s bad timing. You’ve just unfortunately met me after the fall. If you keep sticking around doom and gloom me, I don’t get it, but thanks.