#i put off going to grad school
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oh. moving is actually fucking me up lol
#all i do is sit in my bed all dayyyy#i have no friends here idk where anything is#i have no job !!#i put off going to grad school#and anytime i try to talk to my parents or sister about they’re just like you’ll get one !! you’ll be fine !!#okay but where’s the proof#i am literally miserable#i feel like i’m letting everyone who had faith in me down#lou.txt
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The idea that uni protesters are "elitist ivy-league rich kids larping as revolutionaries" on Twitter and Reddit and even here is so fucking funny to me if you actually know anything about the student bodies at these unis. Take it from someone who's going to one of the biggest private unis in the US, 80% of the peers I know are either from the suburbs or an apartment somewhere in America, children of immigrants, or here on a student visa. I've heard about one-percenter students, but I've never met one in person. Like, don't get me wrong, the institution as a whole is still very privileged and white. I've talked with friends and classmates about feeling weird or dissonant being here and coming from such a different background. But in my art program, I see BIPOC, disabled, queer, lower-income students and faculty trying to deconstruct and tear that down and make space every day. So to take a cursory glance at a crowd of student protesters in coalitions that are led by BIPOC & 1st/2nd-gen immigrant students and HQ'd in ethnic housings and student organizations and say, "ah. children of the elite." Get real.
#also idk how to tell you this but even if it were true. wealthy children potentially sacrificing their educational careers to protest is#a good thing actually. idk how to tell you that caring about people from other nations is good#personal#“this war has nothing to do with most students cuz nobody's getting drafted” idk how to explain to you that we should be angry#that our tuitions of 10s of thousands of dollars that we pay every year for an education is being used to fund a genocidal campaign#also the implication that if you go to a uni institution you are automatically privileged by participation no matter your bg#i didn't /want/ to go to this school. i was supposed to go to a school with an art/animation program. but i realized my immigrant#parents have been working their whole lives to get me here. and turning the opportunity down would be a disservice to their sacrifice#this is getting into convos of “what 2nd gen kids owe their parents” which is different for everyone but. yeah#i just get pissed off at seeing people misrepresenting student bodies as “wealthy” and “privileged” and “elite” when it's such a blatant li#i remember a year ago a friend told me they can't fly home to hong kong for winter break because the plane tickets are too expensive#so they have to find temporary housing around the area#last quarter for a film doc class my film partner made a doc on a small group of marxist grad students from india discussing praxis#during a rally a few months ago in response to police presence the coalition invited palestinian students to speak about their experiences#and lead songs and read poems they wrote. these are STUDENTS. are they elitist too?#this is not to disregard my own personal privilege either.#this whole narrative's just to rationalize a lack of empathy to me. seeing a 19yo student get shot by a rubber bullet and your first#reaction is “HAW! HAW! bet richy rich didn't see THAT coming when she put on her terrorist hood!”#newsflash. these big uni campuses are HAUNTED by the violence of past protests and revolutions and police brutality. we know.#why do you think these coalitions have been making reinforced barricades at record speed
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i’m depressed☹️
#i feel like i’m putting so much effort and dependence on this thing thatll never work out#like i dont even have any objective way of knowing if im any good at it really? and i kinda blocked off the avenues where i could get that#so now im just like idk floating around#idk now that writing bestie is going to grad school it feels like i’m stupid for not doing that or something cuz everything else i try isnt#working out#and theres other things that add insult to injury#idk :/
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going to do something very scary today, which is reply to an email from..... last june 🫠😬 it's fine!!! it's going to be fine!!! am posting this so I don't chicken out
#good idea generator#dont have a defense either im literally just like this#i WOULD have had a defense if i replied last aug or sept#it a reply to an old prof of mine who helped me with my masters app wishing me a happy grad#i put off replying to her until i knew abt grad school which ended up not being till august#and then i was a combo of annoyed embarrassed and forgetful amd i just. never replied#i probably should just take the L and ghost forever but i dont wanna#i really do like this prof and want to keep at least sporadic contact with her#strawpoll would you guys instantly hate someone who didnt reply to you for a year#for context in this scenario it also took you several months to reply in the first place but you had a good reason#whatever im going to send it!!! im not asking for anything im just saying thank you and sorry and heres what happened with the grad app
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so this "ethics & legal requirements for research involving human subjects" course I'm doing for class rn hasn't figured out that you don't hyphenate "cisgender," and yet has still somehow heard of "trans broken arm syndrome" and wants to inform us about it being a source of distrust in medical professionals among some trans people. what's happening here....
#various factors in my life have coincided such that 95% of the content of this course isn't remotely new to me at all#(i.e. psychology undergrad & kink community)#but every so often it just throws a curveball without so much as blinking that has me going#'EXCUSE ME CAN WE BACK UP A SECOND AND UNPACK THAT??'#and that's approximately the entertainment keeping me going through it#(well that and the intonation of the person reading the voiceover whenever they say ''federal regulations'')#(because it's the exact same prosody as airplane safety voice 'federal regulations prohibit tampering/disabling/removing smoke detectors')#(so I guess that's now in my head the same way as grocery store checkout machine 'put your. PINK LADY APPLE. in the bag.')#.......well those tags certainly went off on a ramble didn't they#...OH YEAH RIGHT the holy shit unpack pls stuff has largely included like#''the police & justice department are exempt from these [previously described] regulations about ethical overview''#YOU CAN'T JUST SAY THAT MATTER-OF-FACTLY AND THEN MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE HELLO#anyway. yeah. this is a time I'm having.#James liveblogs grad school#content is for other people
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random inane thoughts i’ve had lately:
“they didn’t know what killed people back then… they threw them in caves and they died!”
i was trying to decide what a character dynamic from a show i have never watched and know very little about is like and for some reason i decided that my only two options were “i recognize you. you recognize me?” “yes.” “so that’s in our favor.” or werewolf gimmick, which is not even a character dynamic, it was just the song playing as i was having the thought and then it made me laugh
#truly i am just Surviving#these past five months have been traumatic and i do not say that lightly#so i’m glad that i can make myself laugh here and there#just let my brain do whatever it needs to to survive in these conditions#all things considered i’m doing much better now#but i also kind of just need this semester to be over#and also the next one#and honestly let’s just skip forward to June when i graduate#soooooooooo done with it all#in good news - i have decided to put off grad school for a semester#i trust myself not to just fuck off and refuse to go back to school#but i also NEED the break or i think i will Die#the traumatic shit didn’t even have anything to do with school#i just don’t have any time to heal with all of that going on#i need to REST!!!!!!
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🌟
#I just put in to take the full week of Christmas off from work#and I am legitimately so excited#I'll be really busy the week before#but it's going to be worth it#and I'm also (separately) taking my birthday off#and if it's a good day I'll spend almost the whole day writing#and if it's a REALLY good day I'll spend almost the whole day reading + writing + gaming#(the implication there being that I'm motivated and inspired enough to get a lot of writing done early in the day)#(or to otherwise feel secure in spending some quality time with a book and/or a video game instead of my manuscript)#(and in either case I'm hoping for no grad school work whatsoever)#taleweaver speak#taleweaver whispers
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burnout is supposed to end at some point, I have read this. However, how do you know when it has ended and you should gradually force yourself through more activities to get used to living a life again, and when doing that will send you Directly back to an even worse ring of hell. Is there like a guidebook or
#in some ways it sucks i've never had one massive breakdown just like small ones that didn't really justify lying in bed for a month#like when i say i'm doing that i'm also usually doing bare minimum reading eating exercise#in addition to lying in bed and scrolling for 5 billion hours#i'm still making plans and attempting to get better it's just at a glacial pace#it's not working i'm not feeling better i still feel like if i find a job or try to make a decision i'll probably break in a million pieces#then any time i try to work harder the rebound of that hits me even worse#every job i feel like i can deal with less and less masking. until one day i just won't be able to hold down one for more than 2 months#i kept trying every strategy i knew and it just wouldn't keep me from having to go to my car and scream sometimes#feels like walking over coals trying to apply for internships rn but schoolwork is the only task i like some of the time#need the internship to graduate if i don't graduate i'll just be stuck doing things i hate even more#ik you shouldn't apply to grad school just to go but if i can put off dealing with living a life outside of academia for even 1 year longer#worth the mountains of debt#like even if i drop out and everything goes horribly that's a year i didn't spend saying thank you have a nice day#god. i'm going back to thinking abt lesbian necromancers now. wow that brief look into my mental state sucked
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mfw i spent yeeeeears in college aaaaaagonizing about how to turn a short fanfic of mine into a full-length original work and was working on it with my professor and through all the editing became really embarrassed of the original fanfic version thinking it was immature and shallow but could also never make the rewrite work so i moved onto other projects and then today after a very long time reread both of them only to find that the original fic is concise and heartfelt with clunky execution but solid and gripping emotional beats and the novelization is overwritten self-obsessed garbo
#i think i posted about it here a decent amount too#i was surprised at how much i liked the fic but honestly shocked at how bad the rewrite was#like not to dog on myself too much#but i wrote the fic originally for a class on short stories#(which is why i wanted to rewrite it in the first place - if i was already disguising it as original work might as well go all the way)#(see how far we can make this premise go)#so the original is super super to the point and like yeah clearly written by an 18 year old and dramatic but also very tastefully paced#like i was genuinely surprised at how effective i thought a lot of it was#i don't tend to toot my own horn about my writing especially not my old writing i was genuinely chuffed#then i had the dangerous thought of 'maybe i could give the rewrite idea another go this time more in the spirit of the original'#'keep it short and punchy and focused on the characters and their dynamic while updating it w my skills now and use it for grad school apps#but then i thought no...that was the vision i had when i was 18#this is sort of a pun bc it's a story about ghosts but i should just let it lie and move on#personal#i was genuinely so put off by the writing of the rewrite that i was like wtf wait...i like...submitted this to lit mags on campus didn't i#did some digging found that it was the opening scene - which was THE most overwritten wanky part of it in my current self's eyes -#that i submitted to (and got published in) the lit mag i worked on in my little college community#girl nooooooooo i mean i guess the other girlies liked it enough to put it in#but it's odd i guess how time changes your perception/value judgments
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I hate people with dreams because I wish I could give up mine !!
#this isnt' meant to be a deep post im just screaming into the void#im back in the city and there is just this deep sense of dread and I wish I could call my friends and talk abt it but everyone who would#understand is too busy#I have one fren who I think mite but shes busy#I have one midterm this week and im still scared of my prof even tho ik she means well and I rightfully pissed her off last last week#I want to leave the committee I work for completely#I want to leave this school completely!!#aaaaaaaaaaa#I want to go grad school#I also just look online and I wish I went to a diff school than this one#bc my family does NOT have the money for this school if Id just waited and gone somewhere else I would not be in this much DEBT#ik i was in a tough situation a few yrs ago and HAD to just pick a school + get out#but still#I think just. if my life events hadn't been so shit and bad#if I hadn't been in such a Bad place during and after the pandemic id be at a diff school#one that didn't make me feel so BAD and one that didn't put me in so much debt#some of why im pissed off and anxious is lit my fault#I burned some bridges and hurt ppl and pissed them off!!#but yn when u make a mistake and everyone around u will def define u by it#bc me rn#I just need to leave and not come back#or if I do not come back for a long time#I wish I could pack my shit and do the rest of the sem online#the only thing I'd miss is choir bc I love it#all of my friends (most of) are in choirrrr#its the way choir is the only thing that makes me feel good I hATE everything else
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guess whose mom got upsetti in her spaghetti over a stupid backpack ????? my fuckass mom ! :)
#literally all i did was wear my invader zim backpack#and she got upset#telling me that “school isnt a fashion show” or whatever and acted like me wearing the bag was a sign of moral failing.#told me to put my old bag on#(the same bag thats heavy and hurts my shoulders)#i dont even NEED to use that bag because i dont have to carry a lot of things.#shes only doing this because its a bag that i gemuinely like.#AND THEN THIS STUPID FUCK HAD THE NERVE TO ACCUSE ME OF SKIPPING CLASSES.#ive been going to ALL OF MY CLASSES SINCE THE BEGINNING OF THE FUCKING YEAR.#the only time ive been absent is when ive been sick took a day off or was marked absent on accident#WHICH WAS CORRECTED.#shes always accusing me of being with boys and its dumb because NO BOY HAS ANY INTEREST IN ME#AND I WANNA KEEP IT THAT WAY.#i dont know what to do#my grad ceremony is tomorrow amd i just wanted to have a good day#thanks to my stupid mother thats all ruined.
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making funny haha jokes to myself like "oh i'm doing so fine" *extreme side eye from the dishes in my sink*..... only to finally do my dishes tonight and discover all my tupperware have become their own microbiomes. fuck
#i am pretty sure i am riding that depression wave hard right now#i am just so stressed all the time#and i feel like i could fix some of that stress if i checked a few very specific things off my to do list#here's the thing tho. i am realizing i might need outside help to get those things done#and that is uncomfortable for two reasons#one being that means i will have to ask someone to help me do these things and be my external motivator#and put up with me being cranky the whole time because i will be deeply embarrassed about it and will end up taking it out on them#and then two being that. these things are for grad school. and if i can't even get the fucking applications done on my own#how the fuck do i think i'm going to be able to get through two years by myself??#also i am so sleepy and my sleep schedule has been fucked for like two weeks now and that's not helping#and i need to do things to my car and make several doctors appointments and work stuff and apartment stuff#and everything happening in the world and stuff happening with my friends and my family#and i just. how i am supposed to live with this much in my brain all the time#and i'm reading fanfic and comparing myself to the characters and coming up miserably short#and i hate the way i look all the time and i could do something intelligent like.#stop eating gummy worms and meat sticks for every meal and eat veggies and go to the gym and learn to love myself...#or i could decide my straight hair is the root of all my problems and get a perm#you know. like a normal person does#it's OK!! I'm Fine!!! aaaaaaaaaa
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12, 17, 23 for the fic writer meme?
pan!! fanfic writer ask meme
Are there any tropes you used to dislike but have grown on you? honestly, no! i am pretty down for the tropes
What highly specific AU do you want to read or write even though you might be the only person to appreciate it? answered here What’s a trope, AU, or concept you’ve never written, but would like to? oh SO MANY. so MANY. i love tropes. really stoked for the two-person-love-triangle of both You've Got Mail AU (one day!!) and Seventies San Francisco AU. really wanna do some more camp ones. there was only one bed. huddling for warmth. fake relationship?
AU-wise....[gestures broadly at slew of wips behind me]...but ESPECIALLY an academia AU. there's something about the Suffering and Bureaucracy that just...mmm....it's sexy. and the genuine sexiness of Research and those! fuckin!! moments of breakthrough when chewing on an idea!!! the mania of it. the tiredness. the catching ur friends in libraries or in between classes and talking about your Suffering and Ideas together. shitty coffee. kitchen parties. the BUILDINGS. god.
#asks#fanfic writer asks#genuinely think half my enjoyment of school came from being young enough for my body to cope with all that#but also i was like Unaware of the adhd and suffering for it#i think now if i went back i would be SIGNIFICANTLY more tired but only because i'm old#instead of because i spent an entire all-nighter too paralyzed to work on paper that was technically due that day but won't be overdue#if i put in the dropbox before 8 am the next day#and not being able to start until like...5 AM...when it starts getting light out#man i thought EVERY GRAD STUDENT WAS SO HOT#just by virtue of their being a grad student#also the notion of getting like...funding...to go ham on an Idea....#the things i do unpaid now with less resources#god i just wanna be a sharpened wee instrument of Ideas#it's the COMMUNITY of it innit#the folie a campus#this got off topic as usual
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feeling really fucking shitty, send hcs please 😭
#noah rambles#i've had. SUCH a rough night.#first grad school class was this afternoon and i had to. FIGHT not to combust#or hell even have a fucking anxiety attack over zoom#& then i fucking broke down sobbing like an hour ago (????)#like ACTUALLY what the fuck is wrong with me#i feel like my body is trying to tell me something but like. honestly. as i keep saying:#i am the King of Repression™#i'm stubborn as fuck and i need to put off paying back loans as far as possible so i can get a Good Job#& ofc. i COULD go off on a sociological rant about why that's Bad™ but like.#i just do not have the energy for that right now.
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want to do my exercises & go on a bike ride rn but i’m devastated bc i’ve to instead go to the dentist, whom i’ve been avoiding for like 3 years 😭😭😭
#stream#ALSKALSKALSKALKSLAKSLA#LILE IVE BEENN HIDING#I HATE THE DENTIST SO MCUH 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#i mean i NEEDD TO GO SO BAD#like ALSKALSKALKSLAKSLA#i’m abt to lose out on insurance yall 💔#but also bc this crown might need to finally be replaced ALSKALSKALKSLA LIKE IVE BEEN HAVING PROBLEMS W IT SPECIFIC & IVE BEEN PUTTING OFF#TRYING TO GET IT FIXED#it’s excruciating#also i still haven’t applied for grad school or done the persoanl statement but i just finished like updating my resume i guess#my mummy formatted it so it’s on 1 page <3 love her … queen thank u#bc i don’t have word anymore & idk how to do formatting on google doc i don’t think it’s possible#i also don’t know how to do formatting truly on word i just push buttons & pray
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trying not to be anxious about employment after graduation :)))))
#I'm still a year away#and I'm applying for grad schools to put it off#but from everything I've heard archaeology is HARD to find jobs in#I'm lucky enough to be going to field school soon tho#so at least I have that much going for me lmao
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