#truly i am just Surviving
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random inane thoughts i’ve had lately:
“they didn’t know what killed people back then… they threw them in caves and they died!”
i was trying to decide what a character dynamic from a show i have never watched and know very little about is like and for some reason i decided that my only two options were “i recognize you. you recognize me?” “yes.” “so that’s in our favor.” or werewolf gimmick, which is not even a character dynamic, it was just the song playing as i was having the thought and then it made me laugh
#truly i am just Surviving#these past five months have been traumatic and i do not say that lightly#so i’m glad that i can make myself laugh here and there#just let my brain do whatever it needs to to survive in these conditions#all things considered i’m doing much better now#but i also kind of just need this semester to be over#and also the next one#and honestly let’s just skip forward to June when i graduate#soooooooooo done with it all#in good news - i have decided to put off grad school for a semester#i trust myself not to just fuck off and refuse to go back to school#but i also NEED the break or i think i will Die#the traumatic shit didn’t even have anything to do with school#i just don’t have any time to heal with all of that going on#i need to REST!!!!!!
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i need something i cant identify so deeply and intrinsically. surely the answer will be found by scrolling social media 14hrs a day
#my brain is truly so dead#i am so locked into just Surviving#and numbing it all out w screens and drinking
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out of curiosity, would you consider yourself butch?
used to be a blonde underweight twink and now I'm a based jock still got the chanel bag and the sick albeit matured mind of a suckpig to prove it so I'm gonna let you decide whether you wanna call me that word just cuz I got a pussy and short hair. I promise you that there have been enough advancements made in the art of lesbian sexual dynamics in the past 50 years to broaden the vocabulary used to describe the plethora of types of masculine females.
#being called butch just reminds me of how much males have the freedom to navigate between male archetypes and how people pay attention to#the distinguishing features of these varying masculinities#but when a female is seen as masculine it all gets lumped under the “butch” category#her masculinity is seen as unnatural and therefore incapable of being considered genuine or taken at face value as it is with males.#its always brought into question instead of taken in consideration with the rest of the woman's life and experiences and her particularities#Hence... Butch is still being treated as though its a huge lesbian cultural phenomena instead of a specific niche thing#also i dont mean to invite the “you dont pass!!” anons again bc that idiot is missing my point entirely (which is that im truly not trying)#but the fact is that for the past 3 years i have found myself increasingly navigating the male social world#and discovering what it means to me as a female to have access to the ability to take my “masculinity” for granted... relax#forget about it#etc#i think thats entirely antithetical to the Butch thing which seems to rest on the tension of other peoples expectations of her#people broadly are more surprised to find out that im interested in women just as much as they're surprised that im a gym queen iykwim...#ive worked hard for this and now that ive gotten the Woman Social Role thing pretty much entirely out of the way i am living the dream#i think a large part of that is learning as a dyke to appropriate the language of gay men theres a reason their terminology had#staying power even when their scene was *literally* dying meanwhile all that seemed to survive from dyke spaces was butch n femme ??#its because theirs didnt necessitate the building and maintenance of a scene in order for the subculture to hold its head above water#their labels *largely* weren't predicated on their relationships to gender roles and its telling that for dykes it was#their labels rested on the need to simply show up anonymous n be able to easily flag whether they were looking to fuck or be fucked#alongside the set of circumstances under which they would be fucking or getting fucked or what have you#it all comes back to the restrictions of female social blah blah blah and i think the sooner we collectively set down what we see as our#responsibility as lesbians and as feminists to Be A Woman the sooner we can step outside of that#n start thinking clearly about our individual circumstances and the necessity of putting on your own oxygen mask first before helping others
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This one moment drives me absolutely insane
#sid rants#rvb#red vs blue#lavernius tucker#tuckerrr#EVERYTHING ABOUT IT. THE DOUBTING IF HE’S A GOOD LEADER#THE WAY THIS IS FOLLOWED BY HIM HEARING EVERYONE TELL HIM THEY’RE DEAD#THE FACT THAT EVERYONE BEING DEAD AND HIM BEING UNABLE TO PROTECT THEM WOULD BE ENOUGH TO MAKE TUCKER KILL HIMSELF#honestly i truly think the only reason he survived is because he passed out after his panic attack#just the quiet contemplation ‘why am i still here?’ in this moment. he probably would have done it#also the fact that his pose in the last image is how they later find him#leads me to believe that he just sat there as he was tormented by the voices of his dead friends#and had his panic attack until he passed out in the same space#aughhhh tuckerrrrr
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A small break from driving to remind everyone I love gilbert very much. And isaac. And arthur. And theo. And the mansion. And chev. And clavis. And keef. And silvio. And victor. And elbert. And roderic. And alfo- [*mic is forcibly taken away from me*]
#scum talks#separate from the post but i am in such a weird state of mind hearing my best friend describe surviving the hurricane#and how close they came to death#they survived due to absolute luck. truly#if it had been just a few more minutes and i mean A FEW they would be dead#its a lot for everyone involved to take in but especially themselves#i feel like this has altered my perception on a lot of things and i am likely going to sound a bit different from now on#i have a minimum of five more hours to drive wish me luck
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Got hyper fixed on Island of the Slaughtered and-
Imagine the knife wasn't the killer's weapon. That was actually something Noah had on him, for protection. The moment that rope came around his neck he took out the knife planning to cut it, but didn't get the chance.
For a small moment, Noah actually has hope that he'll get away. He has the knife in his hand, all he has to do was cut that stupid rope. Simple, right? No. Because Noah was too slow and the killer saw the weapon and took it. He stabbed Noah with it, which wasn't actually planned. Then he drowned him in the lake too, just to make sure he stays dead for good.
And you know what? He might have had a chance of survival, if not for that stab. There are cases in which someone was brought back by performing CPR. If someone found his body soon enough…
But he lost so much blood too, due to the stab wound. There was no hope for him.
And he brought it all to himself.
#Alternatively : Cody finds the body and gets ready to perform CPR right away only to see the knife and stop because he knew there was no#Point in trying#Anyway this is not a theory or anything. Just a concept that I find interesting. Like what if yk?#sassy-bitch-since-2007#Anyway apparently there's this Italian mountaineer who survived after like 6 hours of CPR??? I am truly annoyed I can't find some good#Article about the whole situation.#island of the slaughtered#Island of the Slaughtered noah#td noah#total drama noah
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if there was no one around me, who would i be?
would i even want to draw doodles in the sand?
#i really feel like no one#i am an empty shell surviving on how other people see me#my entire personality has been projected onto me#truly the only thing i lament about my disorder is how i just really am not a person#pure jealousy seething for the people who know who they are#i was killed when i was a kid#now only existing as a strangler fig#actually narcissistic#actually npd#npd#actually cluster b#cluster b#cluster b safe#npd safe#hpd#hpd safe#actually hpd#histrionic#histrionic personality disorder#actually histrionic#narcissistic
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who else is a boy that loves pressing a mysterious button 🙋♂️
#🙋♂️ me !!! i am !!!!!#tgaa#the great ace attorney#dai gyakuten saiban#dgs#obsessed with the way iris generalizes like “no that must be a boy thing bc the two boys i spend the most time w both do it”#shes so fkn funny man.. i lvoe the silly character interactions sm. literally spend so much time exhausting all the dialogue#i will click every little thing and i will do it even if i know theyre just gonna be like “we need to do smth else rn- remember??”#examine button my beloved. giving me so many treats. truly#guys im cooking rn we will see if it survives to see the day of light
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NO I AM NOT OKAY I HAVE TO WATCH MYSTREET SEASON 6 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
#i wont survive this#mys 6 is truly the definition of kill your darlings#what if i just stop the rewatch here and pretend it never happened#i am not prepared#aphblr#aphmau#garroth ro'meave#aphverse#mystreet#mystreet aphmau#aphmau mystreet#when angels fall#mystreet season 6#mystreet season 7
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Oh to be in love with the moon,,
#the brain worms are coming back after.. a year or so?#except this time when i think about s!wolf i can DRAW#i truly am just latched on to all of the wolf's they are so silly to me#survival!wolf#fin draws
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i thought that moving out would feel better than this why is everything a scam !
#i just feel like i am on a slightly different mode of survival#the freedom to self destruct or wander around with no satisfaction beyond having a desk to write at#everything else is the same and harder in other ways#it doesnt feel good or truly freeing and idk how to even feasibly work towards something better#away from poisonous family most days but close to every other thing that kills me
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Fears that I've been repressing and not addressing, telling myself to stand tall and "not show weakness", started to slip into my nightmares.
I just want to crawl under my blanket and cry, cry, cry until I've cried myself to sleep... and wake up in a better parallel world, where my paranoia is not eating me alive, where I can feel trust and comfort.
#personal#/vent#I am getting compulsive thoughts of cutting out like 95% of people who are nice to me and interact with me semi-consistently#because.. well it is all trap right? it is all pretend right?#any positive words and feelings are just to lull me into false sense of safety and then abruptly abandon me#without even me knowing why.#I already have my reservations and feel reluctant to open up to someone who expresses truly liking me#because I just know it won't last long enough.#either I'll push them away in some way or they'll find out something about me and instead of discussing it with me-#-just will discard me right?#so sometimes just being lukewarm under assumption that this niceness and love is temporary is not enough#I want to just... scream. scream to stop mocking me. to stop trying to deceive me.#to cut everyone away except for like 6 trusted friends#and then live in fear knowing that if even one of these friends vanishes or dies.. I'll die too. internally.#I won't survive the loss of even one person whom I can TRULY trust. at least my heart won't.#as for nightmares? the recent nightmare was about a certain group that hates me turning ARTORIAS against me lol#I know it SOUNDS humorous from aside but within the dream it was *harrowing*. to just watch them 'warn' him about me#and him subtly agreeing to be on guard.. and wishing to protect them or anyone from me#and me knowing my chances to be friends with him got preemptively ruined#I've been thinking back on it all day and every time I did I actually cried. why I am such a child?#I am like reverse miquella: my body grows but my brain is forever that scared vulnerable traumatized kid. forever.#/paranoia
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i wish more people in the orv tag remembered that kim dokja was already in his late teens when he started reading ways of survival
#orv.txt#fra.txt#orv spoilers#<- for the tags i'm about to write#i like the look of oldest dream being younger because at that point he sort of represents#when stories became so important to kim dokja#it's less connected to the actual timeline of when he started reading ways of survival and more#about how that's when things started truly going wrong#but in real life he was what? 17? 18?#am i remembering wrong? a decade of ways of survival no? and he's 28 (?) at the start of orv#anyway anyway#i just like when i stumble on an orv art piece where op doesnt default to actual child kim dokja for his younger self#i'm just being picky though#again i understand the oldest dream art pieces!!#kim dokja#orv
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very weird to frame your abuse apologia as being aware that the writers intended to illustrate a mutually harmful dynamic and not an abusive one. when the writers in question also wrote the line 'once you put it out there, they [the audience] decide what it is' because nothing you ever create has any innate definition. when the writers in question decided to racebend major characters and then showcase them being harmed by white or nonblack characters in a repeatedly racialized pattern when they Did Not Have To Do That and then genuinely or disingenuously decide to dialogue about their directly or indirectly illustrated racialized dynamic of intimate partner violence within and outside the narrative. like to be quite honest it does not matter what they intended because this is what they made and this is how it Looks to a notably large amount of people. who just happen to be interpreting it wrong? according to what metric? the very metric they say Doesn't Work in their own fictional creation? ok
#j watches interview with the vampire#i keep saying i'm tired of talking about this but i'm not#iwtv is SO enjoyable to me when i Don't make excuses for obviously shitty people#cannot comprehend the level of mental gymnastics. well actually i can lol#like i'm not trying to suck the fun out of a fictional show of fun fucked up dynamics#it's fun and fucked up Because. they let it be fucked up#let it be fucked up!#so many people seem to have such an aversion to the idea that lestat ever abused anyone but especially louis#when we know even if he didn't abuse louis he definitely abused claudia. often IN very misogynistic and racist ways btw#which people conveniently ignore#let alone that he does similar things to louis even when he at the same time would never Want to abuse louis#like both are true. i think. like#it's good that we as a society have tried to be better about cutting off abusers at the heels to compensate for it not happening Enough#but we have to stop pretending they aren't human people and that abuse is a Human act and that their humanity#and our ability to understand them with Our humanity just Disappears the second they do something monstrous#like no. both are true. all of it's true#pretending lestat was never abusive does nothing for no one#and i really truly feel like it takes the bite Out of such a compelling story to view it that way#let it bite my friends i promise you will survive it#imo seeing lestat's abuse for what it is =/= Cancel Him NOW like. i still enjoy him for what he is as long as he's Allowed to be what he is#which the finale. um. appeared to backpedal lol which is why it immediately sucked to me#realizing i am Because Of Woke-ing lestat but like people are afraid to call him abusive because they like him and they feel like#they can't continue to like him if they admit he was ever abusive. Because of Woke HFKSDJF
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spent the first hour and change at work deleting some old files and am having a grand ol time laughing at myself for not realizing i was a lesbian sooner
#vulnerable tag rambles ahead please be kind abt them i didnt intent to ramble this much but i dont wanna delete it eitehr#me to every single man i have ever dated after 6mo-1y: yeah hey this really isnt working out i dont really know why but i really hate mysel#and i dont want to blame you because i dont think you did anything inherently wrong here; i think this is something about me but i need#space to figure out why im feeling this way [every single one reacted by telling me No i wasnt allowed to leave btw]#i hold very complex feelings about these relationships esp bc of them ending in very violent/chaotic ways most of the time#but its interesting to look back at it all and realize ive left every man for the same reason (which is that ive hated myself Every Single#Time ive dated a man) and its funny bc i recognized the self hate pretty early on w/ cishet men but when it came to queer men it was#much more confusing (esp w/ nto knowing Any lesbians at that point in my life). im so happy im a lesbian tbh#i have a lot of issues w/ the racism fatphobia and transmisogyny present in lesbian groups#and also coming out as a lesbian really truly saved my life. before i met my wife i was quite literally in a 3yr abusive relationship that#definitely would have died in if i hadnt realzied i was a lesbian and ran from him#its also weird seeing liek the hard evidence of the things that happened to me btween 2016-2020 tbh#cause that was such a bad time of my life. i truly dont know how i survived it but im so glad i did#like the three major relationships in my life b4 meeting my wife was: guy who was in college when i was in HS who stalked me when i left;#guy who was a year younger than me who cheated on me the entire time while telling me he was being victimized (he wasnt; this was very mess#guy who saw the very messy toxic ldr i was in and helped me dump my ex then decided that meant we were in a relationship [insert 3 yrs here#and admittedly all 3 years with him werent the same level of abusive but it was definitely unhealthy from the start considering I Didnt Kno#we were together until he wanted to celebrate vday and got mad i didnt know our anniversary - and like this isnt including the other stuff#that happened between those Relatonships[tm] (cause ive never been monogamous; these were just the Major Relationships)#like i genuinely think if i hadnt come out i'd be dead rn given just how dangerous my relationships were/continued getting#i am also so tired now that ive seen all this cause like. fuck i can barely believe it and i not only lived it but have PTSD about it#i should write about my life sometime. i feel like it'd be cathartic to try and make a tangible timeline and stories from the years ang stu#anyway yeah. be nice about the tag rambles. dont message me with pity or curiosity or anything about this. i dont usually talk abt this stu#publicly bc i hate the ways ppl start tryign to baby me when they realize my life has been extremely fucked up until only a few years ago#n im still working on accepting kindness from others bc of [insert life traumas here] but its a long process so pls respect my need for jus#being heard rn w/o too much pressure< 3 (but ig if u do read this can u like it cause i feel a little crazy seeing all the evidence of the#stuff i experienced now also cause fuck ik logically it was but also i cant believe it was all real still yk)
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sometimes i remember the hunger games and how nobody actually paid attention to what was in those books
#americans close your eyes and ears right now#i'm well aware that my political takes are way too spicy for you all#and i really do wish my media diet didn't contain so much us-centric shit#but alas we're all suffering here#and i could say that 'oh actually it does matter who your president is for us in the world'#but it doesn't. it really fucking doesn't. that's kind of the point.#oh i'm sorry my spicy takes are already starting#anyway it is wild that you all can understand katniss assassinating coin at the end of mockingjay#but get super upsetty that chappell roan won't support your favorite presidential candidate with her full chest#like come on none of you actually thought that her using the phrase both sides meant that she was a republican or even a centrist#that's just copium#you all knew exactly what she meant#but i guess encouraging people to think critically and get involved with their local elections and politics as well is... bad now?#also... why do you all care so much about a random pop star's opinion and whether or not she dares to criticize a government#like... she's right but i'm sure 5 years from now if she survives in the limelight her edges will be completely chipped away#by all this insane reaction#and before anyone comes for me... no i'm not saying you shouldn't vote. please fucking do.#neither am i saying you shouldn't vote strategically or encourage other people to do so#but if all your energy is spent policing people who criticize your chosen party because of their own principles#then there's something seriously wrong with your politics#and all you're signalling is that you truly do not fucking care about the issues that they care about#if anything..... you RESENT them#and then the same people bring up the parable of the 'unjust man'#or how it's never the right time to talk about gun violence in your country#harm reduction is all good and based but attacking people who are leveraging their support to push your party left#is not. it's not even fucking helpful#anyway. don't base your lives and politics around pop stars.#even if they are more based than you 🤷#i think i'm done now thank you tumblr for letting me have insane rants in my tags that hopefully no one reads#idk i just find this all depressing. i wish you all cared more about the world outside of your bubble. i wish we all did - myself included.
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