#i put a keep reading this time so it doesn't take up your entire dash

[eggonthemoon]

Alien Stage Round 6 Character Analysis and Lyrics Breakdown

Okay so obviously spoilers, don't click Keep Reading if you haven't watched Round 6.

God fuck it's so fucking beautiful, where do I start?

I don't even know what is going on with those rapid shots of what I assume is some form of experiment that Till was involved in. I have no clue what the goal was or if it succeeded but somehow (for no real reason other than that one image of Luka standing behind Till ominously) I feel that Luka is involved with it.

Was this an attempt by Heperu's (Luka's guardian) rival to make a human capable of going up against Luka? Till being the youngest and Luka being the oldest also means that Till's guardian could have caught on to what Heperu was planning to do with Luka and then start experimenting on humans shortly after and it would still somewhat line up with the timeline.

But I'm getting into conspiracy territory, back to suffering!!

Allow me, to the tips of your fingers

Allow me, to the ends of your feet

Dissolve me in your gaze

I don't want to let you go

Oh this hurts. Seeing him look so defeated and exhausted, you can tell that even though to the public it's not certain whether Mizi died or not it doesn't matter to him. Because she's still gone away from his world, where he is unable to reach her. He wants to dissolve and die but he also doesn't want to let her go if there is even a sliver of hope that she lives.

Please, leave me scars

Please, hurt me so that

Not a single drop of me remains

Let me drown in you

The footage that plays to these lyrics really show how defeated he is. He refuses to sing, his passion for the art completely dead and buried. And (his guardian I assume) when someone shoves the fact that Mizi is gone in his face he lashes out and punches one of the aliens near him.

Until these falling stars

Are buried in the blur of time

However his heart isn't entirely in it and is quickly apprehended.

He is beyond exhausted and doesn't even protest or put up a fight while (the same alien he punched btw) another alien runs their fingers through his hair.

On your icy lips

Read my soul

Yes, my soul

He hopes that even if Mizi is dead that her spirit watches over him, seeing his soul and by extension, Him, for all that he is. Every thought and breath until he falls asleep is for Mizi.

But didn't we already know this is how he'd be like? Time for something juicier~

Even if your cold words

Carve scars beneath my eyes

May they linger on your tongue

You can break me apart

God this is heart shattering. Even if Till doesn't care for him, even if Till throws hurtful words his way, Ivan will still lie awake at night, cherishing what sliver of attention he is given. It doesn't matter if Till hates him, because as long as he is on Till's mind Ivan is happy. He is entirely in Till's hands, capable of being build up or torn down depending on how much (or how little) he is perceived by him.

Notice my pain

And mend me right now

To quiet my fears

I'll drown in you

He wants so deeply to be seen by Till, noticed. Till who doesn't let anything hold him down and always picks himself back up became a pillar of hope and strength to Ivan. It didn't matter how or in what context he gets to be seen, so he went out of his way to provoke him just to get Till to look at him even for a moment.

This was mentioned a while back on VIVINOS Patreon but the entire incident where Mizi and Till got attacked by that hound monster was orchestrated by him. I feel like there is two possible reasons for this depending on when in the timeline this takes place.

Either he wanted to test Till's resolve in hopes of being proven wrong about his courage (after all your hopes can't be dashed on the rocks, if you never had hopes to begin with) only for his obsession to end up growing even stronger than before.

Or he tried to let Till get roughed up enough that he'd be transferred (solitary confinement? emergency room?) somewhere else away from the others at Anakt, so they could escape together.

But we all know how that turned out.

Either way what Ivan wants isn't freedom, he's long since given up on that. There's no point in his freedom if the person that inspired him to yearn for it isn't by his side. He needs Till there, his very presence to reassure him that no matter what Till won't falter. But he failed to take account of the one thing that weakens Till's resolve.

Mizi.

Mizi is to Till what Till is to Ivan. And so without Mizi in his world Till crumbles. Since Till will only go where Mizi is and Mizi already gave away her heart to someone else, it's impossible for Ivan to be free while keeping Till in his world.

And so he follows him, resigning himself to a life without freedom.

Sick of these nights to come

To be engulfed in silence

But the distance between them is killing him, and each and every day they come closer to their inevitable doom.

It doesn't matter if they believe the lie the aliens told them, that if they die singing they will be blessed. Because what is the point in that? How can going somewhere far away from the people they love be a blessing?

In your gaze where I am seen

Consume me

Yes, me

His desires mirror Till's. He wants his soul to be seen by him, recognized for his undying love for him. He wants Till to see that he can give him all that Till yearns for in Mizi and more.

To this everlasting melody

Face to face we dance

And yet Till still refuses to look Ivan in the eyes.

Things get a little unclear but since they aren't shown singing here and there's no flashback to accompany the lyrics, we can assume that at this moment Till most likely gave up on singing.

With our story

Lost in forever's embrace

I'm not sure if Ivan intended this from the start or if it's a decision he made then and there but one thing is certain. If Till stops singing then that would mean he forfeits, he'll lose. Till has never once given up. Even when he went back for Mizi that night, he never intended to leave her in the first place. But now without her he crumbles.

And Ivan can't let that happen, not like this.

Moral grey area aside, this scene is so deeply moving to me

And I don't say that in a romantic context, absolutely not. This is something much deeper than just love. This is the culmination of everything they've been through, all those moments lead up to this.

Because this isn't a kiss.

This is Ivan throwing his life away for Till.

Till was going to loose, the only thing that could overturn that is if his opponent attacks him. The kiss was to distract Till and keep him from catching up to what Ivan was planning.

Just look at the contrast between their first and second kiss. As soon as the score board shows Till is in the lead, he gives him a gentle peck on the lips. The contrast is stark and full of meaning. This was the genuine kiss, hidden behind a smokescreen of aggressive bravado created from the previous one.

And it worked. Till was completely convinced that Ivan's intentions was to kill him, and he was fully intent on letting him.

I know a lot of people doubted his intentions. Because he didn't let go of Till's neck the minute he saw their scores, a lot of people assume that this was Ivan trying to drag Till down with him.

But the minute he coughed up blood what does he do?

He smiles.

and let's Till go.

He's only human. He might know logically that Till has won the match. But emotionally he refuses to let go until he is certain.

Until he knows for a fact that he is the one bleeding and dying he'll keep up his charade.

And then.

And only then.

Till truly sees Ivan.

As he dissolves in his gaze.

[gravidwithlore]

Imagine being pregnant with and giving birth to an uncommon/rare elemental:

(This got a lil long so I put it under a read more so I dont clog up anyone's dash)

-Helium (or idk some other super light gas) elemental baby that's so light you're belly expands but never feels heavy. In fact as they get bigger you feel the baby start to rise and float within you, your growing breasts, still filling with very heavy human/mammalian milk, are the only thing weighing the front of your belly down. By the time you're due you have to wear heavy boots and clothes to keep you from floating off the ground. When its time to give birth, your base instincts tell you to use gravity to allow your baby to be born downwards, but the baby refuses to cooperate with you, continuing to float inside of you. It's only when you invert your position, piling every pillow you own under your hips until it feels like you're going to somersault back on yourself, does your baby begin to move upwards. Easily floating up through your birth canal, to be caught mid-air by its other parent. Empty, gravity returns to you in full, leaving you feeling heavier in your own body than you did while you were overdue and pregnant.

-Elementals of heavier gases in comparison seem much more in line with human nature, but of course you can feel the difference right away. Despite them technically being an air elemental, you felt the weight of them even before conception, your elemental partners sperm adding a new, but not entirely unpleasant weight in your womb. When that tiny bundle of cells begin to multiply you can feel the shift in weight practically day to day. By the time you're just beginning to show you've already gotten a belly sling to help spare your back. You always carry low, the baby always low on your hips and weighing down the curve of your belly. You carry so low that by the time its, well, time, it catches you by surprise bc you never experience your belly dropping because its always been that way. You hope the weight and gravity will help your baby slide right out, but it doesn't take long to realize that's not quite the case. Your belly has dropped so low, the baby so heavy for an air elemental, it can't move from the base of your low hanging belly to the passage from your womb. Its only once you or your partner lift your heavy belly up, does your baby flow down out of you with ease. Weak and tired from labor, your partner helps support your arms so you're able to hold your heavy elemental newborn.

-Glass elementals are a strange combination of strong and fragile, and their offspring will be no different. They're especially fragile in the womb as their still forming and growing in their super malleable state. You're so very careful, tiptoing through your every day life before you even have so much as a bump. Once that curve makes itself known however you're placed on bed rest almost immediately. A curved and swelling belly is a belly that can bump into things, be bumped into, strangers without warning or permission pressing their hands in too hard, not knowing just how fragile and precious your cargo is. Even you have to be so very careful and gentle when you run your hands over your increasingly warm belly, lest you accidentally dent your most precious creation in its molten and malleable stage, forming in your womb like the most intricate blown glass sculpture. When you start having Braxton Hicks, there's an immediate worry about the tensing of your belly over your glass baby. The local wizard/potion maker is called for to put you on a special dose of muscle relaxers. It should go without saying, but pushing is out of the question. When labor truly starts your dose of muscle relaxers is significantly increased and you take strong sedatives to prevent you from trying to push on accident. You're tied up, arms pinned and legs bound in birthing position to prevent you from moving the wrong way, you're bed, your room, your entire house padded and cushioned to the extreme to prepare for your child's arrival. Your contractions, even at their strongest point, are extremely weak to prevent any damage to the baby, cooling down from its malleable stage as it exits your body, the glass hardening but still extremely fragile. You're barely conscious through the process because you're so sedated, but it takes days, possibly even weeks, for your glass elemental baby to be born, all so very worth it to hold their (extremely well wrapped and padded) bundle of joy.

-A lava elemental, also so heavy from the moment of conception, your belly immediately a source of warmth, you feel like you're carrying a furnace long before you start showing. This baby also carries low from the beginning, the slow lethargic movements of your child can shift the shape of your belly for hours from a single kick, rather than a few seconds like the kick of a human child would. Its ability to contract and expand itself also changes the shape and size of your belly every few days or so, leaving acquaintances (who aren't aware of your child's half-elemental parentage) confused on just how far along you are. Your partner, from the very first month, rubs a special lotion over your belly to prevent the heat from hurting you, and soon they begin to use it to lube up your insides as well, liberally fingering it into you to make sure you're well prepared when its time to bring your child into the world. By the time you go into labor, you practically need to be guzzling water 24/7 in order to prevent the lava baby from overheating you, any drop of sweat that runs down your belly sizzling into steam, the low low base of your belly hotter than a frying pan. Your partner more dutiful than ever in liberally slathering the burn prevention lotion over you and most importantly inside you. Between the volcanic heat of your child and your equally (literally) hot partner stretching you full enough so they can lather your cervix in the cool lotion, you've never felt so overstimulated in your life. When labor finally arrives, your scalding hot waters breaking, the baby flows so quickly through your canal, startling you with its speed, you can't help but begin to feel relief that it will be over soon. But when you begin to crown, and the baby's head first meets air, they begin to lose their fluidity as the outside of their molten skin begins to cool and form a rock-like external layer. To crown took only a minute or so, the rest of the birth takes hours, days even, as your partner continues to apply the lotion to as much of your poor human nethers they can still access. You're grateful they had to foresight to begin using it inside of you as soon into your pregnancy as they did, the lotion preparing your birth canal to handle to heat of your molten child even when your partner can no longer reach in to apply it with the baby stuck in there. Each push only moving it in tiny increments, if it moves it at all, each push causing the baby to harden and become heavier as its exposed more and more to the air. Thanks to your partners attentive and loving care, you make it through the birth with the only burns being on your hands, too excited to hold your newborn to remember to protect your bare human hands. Exhausted, slicked in sweat, dehydrated, shivering as you begin to feel cool for the first time in months, you can finally hold your elemental baby, who is, for your protection, swaddled in a silvery protective fire blanket.

-Sand elementals, abrasive and rough and constantly moving inside your womb as if a whirlwind had stirred them up. They're often active in the womb and in the few moments they settle down it feels like your insides have been attacked by sandpaper. When your water breaks, the onset of labor seems like relief. But then your belly feels heavier and even lower than it did before, all that sand no longer suspended by the waters of your womb. Soon your child begins to trickle out of you, and you hope this is a sign of an easy birth. And in a way it is, you don't seem to have to deal with a heavy head and wide shoulders battering its way through your insides, but the birth is long. Instead of coming out as one large mass as most babies do, your sand elemental baby trickles out as particles of sand, choosing to form itself fully outside of the womb. But its hard to know when you're done giving birth, even your body seems confused. Once you're sure you pushed out all the sand, even your body sure, its contractions beginning to weaken, more sand begins to trickle out of your nethers. Not all of the millions of pieces that make up your child are in a hurry to join the rest it seems. It feels like its days, maybe even a week, until its all out of you, you're insides feel like they're scraped raw. All you can do is hold your almost whole bundle of child as you leave your legs spread and hope the rest of it is born soon. Exhausted and almost sick from worry and your bodies confusion over whether to keep contracting or not, your sand elemental baby begins to move, its wailing cry sends a tidal wave of relief through your body, now sure that your child has been completely born.

-The movement of a storm elemental baby inside the womb is unparalleled. Not only are they constantly kicking and moving in there, but your womb has become the container of an entire weather system. You can often feel the movements of gathering clouds, the rumble of thunder, pitter patter of rain, even jolts of lightening can shock your fingertips when you attempt to rub and soothe your belly. On the flip side, sometimes you can feel the warmth of the sun peeking through the clouds after the storm, pleasantly soft breezes, when your child finally settles down it feels like going outside on a perfect and clear day. As your child gets bigger and closer to being due, miniature weather systems begin to manifest around you as well. People can tell you're not trying to be cute when you say "Baby wants (insert craving here)," the gathering storms clouds and rumble of thunder above your head and from within your womb make it absolutely clear baby really does want that craving. The underlying threat of what happens when your craving is not met makes them hurry to meet baby's demands as best as they can. Labor itself isn't much more complicated than it would be for a human baby, except of course for the major thunderstorm swirling above your head. Punctuating your screams with deafening thunder, lightening shocking the people supporting you through birth, wind and rain whipping at them, drenching you to the bone and making it hard for everyone to see what going on. As soon as the baby leaves your body, you're swept over with relief, the storm disappearing in a moment leaving everyone around you blinking in momentary confusion. As you child your child against your rain slicked skin, they begin to take their first cry. Despite the fact that you're already drenched, and the baby is a storm elemental, your partner opens up an umbrella to protect you both from the light rain shower that begins to drizzle over your wailing newborn.

[clevercatchphrase]

To answer your reply That's fine can't wait to see the final product when it's done

I thought you represented Asriel very well but how did you exactly get an exact picture on what personality type to give Asriel? because the game doesn't really feature him as much as other Undertale characters

I was going to work with someone on an AU comic for Undertale's 10th anniversary and I was hoping to have every charceter as accurate or canon as possible. What would be the best approach ?

I'm gonna answer this ask in reverse, starting with "how to keep the characters In Character", then how/why I decided on Asriel's personality. This is quite a long answer, so I'll put it under a Read More as not to stretch out your dash~

So you say you want the characters to be as canon as possible, and wonder what would be the best approach. Well... the only advice I can give is to replay the game and explore as much as the dialogue as you can. Click on everything. Inspect everything at least 2 times. Make a phone call to Papyrus in every room, then go back and do it again after you befriended Undyne. Keep in mind the relationships the characters have with each other and how they're all connected. Undyne has ties to both Gerson and Asgore, who in turn also have a connection as Gerson was once the War Hammer of Justice, and could resonably served in the royal guard as well with Asgore as his boss. Alphys is connected to Bratty and Catty (childhood friends), Bratty and Catty are connected to Burgerpants (the glamburger fiasco), Burgerpants is connected to Mettaton (boss and employee), and Mettaton is connected to Alphys (both have a mutual interest in humans). Everybody has ties to everyone else. How could those ties effect their interactions? What does the character's home/room/job say about them? Take in the environmental clues and extrapolate on them. You can learn so much about the undertale cast from indirect details. And it's okay to dip your toes into common tropes or stereotypes to flesh them out. Just be wary about making those tropes/stereotypes their ENTIRE personality, or else the characters will end up being flanderized. Never forget Papyrus is more than a skeleton who makes spaghetti, Toriel is more than an anxious mother who makes butterscotch pie, Undyne is more than a guard who suplexes boulders just because she can, so on and so forth. Ask yourself, "What are these character's values and beliefs", then using that framework try to imagine they would respond to the situations you have planned for this comic of yours. While some reactions may be similar, all should be unique. We all know Papyrus's reaction to a bad pun will be different to Sans's, but Sans and Toriel may have a similar reaction, etc, etc. There will be wiggle room. You may have to fill in parts that don't have clear cut answers, but ultimately, so long as you stay consistent with the characterizations you decide, readers will be willing to suspend their disbelief even if their interpretations are not 1 to 1 with yours. That's what makes fan fiction and theories so much fun~

Now for the second part. To copy/paste what you asked;

"how did you exactly get an exact picture on what personality type to give Asriel? because the game doesn't really feature him as much as other Undertale characters"

This is just amusing to me because saying the game doesn't really feature him is just factually incorrect. Asriel is in the game A LOT. More than some of the minor characters like Napstablook and Monster Kid, at least. But what do I mean by this? Well, aside from the protagonist you control, Asriel is the very first character you meet in Undertale, even if you don't realize it, and that's because...

Asriel IS Flowey. This is an irrefutable fact about Undertale's lore. Even if he doesn't look like a sweet goat child, even if he doesn't act like an innocent baby boy, we must accept that this cruel, heartless, emotionless flower is Asriel at his absolute worst.

Asriel himself doesn't even deny it. He doesn't say that the things he did as Flowey were the actions of a seperate entity. He fully owns up to it. To directly quote his dialogue from before and after his God of Hyperdeath fight, "I was so tired of being a flower", "As a flower, I was soulless," "I acted so strange and horrible," "I hurt so many people," "There's no excuse for what I've done." And even as Flowey, he does not see Asriel as someone separate from himself when he talks to you in New Home in the No Mercy route, recalling the memories he has before falling down as is own (example, he says "remember when WE played here", as opposed to "Remember when you and Asriel played here".)

(Now, granted, I think the concept of Flowey debating if he still "counts" as Asriel is a facinating philosophical quandary for him to explore, so much so that it became a minor story thread in a 200k word fan fic I wrote 4 years ago, but that story thread is not relevant to my current fan comic nor the game itself because, once again, Asriel DOES see himself as the same entity that is Flowey and vice versa)

Alright, enough sidetracking, back to my main point. Flowey IS Asriel at his absolute worst. Flowey is what Asriel always had the potential to become if none of his actions had consequences, if his choices had no repercussions. With out a prong collar of past regrets to keep him in check, his worst traits can run rampant. And knowing this, I reverse engineered a personality for him by defining who Flowey is then watering these traits down to something that would fit a 10 year old.

So what do we know about Flowey? We know he's deceptive (Lying to you in your first encounter in an effort to steal your soul), He's controlling (Save Scumming in every neutral ending to keep the upper hand), he's sassy (mocking you after the toriel fight no mater if you spare or kill her) and he's obsessed with Chara (declaring life isn't worth living without them, claiming "chara" is the only one who is fun to play with anymore.) (You can also make the argument that Flowey is incredibly lonely and bored, but I personally think that is a result of reliving so many timelines over and over and not something intrinsic to Asriel) using these descriptors I dialed it back in order to fit an average "child" character. My Asriel became someone who is snarky, stubborn, and cares deeply about those he loves to the point of detriment because he justifies it all as "I'm doing this for your own good/I know what's best for you", which in turn becomes his own hamartia. Asriel is also an honorary brat because he is a child and all children are brats and I don't mean that in a negative sense. I was a child once, so I was a brat once. We were all brats once in our lives. It's part of the process of growing up as an emotionally complex creature, and no one is born with perfect emotional intelligence for others. Chara and Frisk are brats too in this comic, but to varying degrees because of their own life circumstances, but that's an essay for another time.

Anyway, I hope this long-ass post helped you if just a little bit, or at least made you think. Good luck on your AU~! (god, I can't believe Undertale will be a decade old in 2 short years.)

[v-era-18]

HoneyBee

Chapter Two: Chased or Chase

‘Why continue to chase after someone when they deserve the moon, and you simply can’t give it to them,’- Sam Witwicky

2

Tonight was perfect.

Not only was (Y/n) able to warm up her meal from ‘Honey’s Waffles’ without ruining the quality, but she was able to watch her favorite movie before falling asleep. The covers were warm, along with the hand sewn quilt her grandmother made her in the ninth grade. The stars were hand stitched, along with her favorite constellations.

It was beautiful, in the far right square at the very bottom was a stitched planet from her family's stories her grandfather told. She still remembers the tears she shed that night on her birthday, Sam’s laughter at how ugly her face scrunched up as fat tears rolled down. It was one of the memories she cherished the most, things were so simple back then, but here they were last year of highschool and college acceptance letters littered her simi neat desk.

She rolled over, snuggling into the bear on the other side of the bed as she thought about the handsome boy from earlier. The girl bit her lip as a giggle bubbled up behind her lips as she tried to keep the feeling at bay. He was a stranger, and yet he left her feeling like she was the only one in the world at that moment. She could still feel the lips that whispered against her ear at the soft promise to see her again.

(Y/n) will admit, she's looking forward to the possibility of the boy walking through the large doors of her family's library. It was another one of her pride that she did not take lightly, and sharing it with someone she saw as a romantic interest was something she most definitely wanted to share. She rarely had crushes of course, she spent so much time on school work and stories to really experience dating and here she was, imagining scenarios of her reading him her favorite book as they snuggled on the couch.

Her mind wandered back to the illusion episode she had in the car, it came out of nowhere but left her hot and heavy. The hands seemed to know where to go on her body as if they'd done it so many times before

A yawn escaped her plump lips getting comfortable underneath the warm blankets, now all she had to do was get a few more hours of sleep before-,

Her phone started to go off, the ringtone blaring to life with the three women's voices taking over singing ‘Soldier’. A groan left her lips as she slugged her arm over to grab the phone from the nightstand. The screen blinded her as the contact read ‘Lord Witwicky >:(‘ appeared with three text messages.

With a sigh (Y/n) answered, praying he wasn’t calling her to tell her about a dream he had about Mikaela.

“Yes Sam-”

“(Y-Y/n)! I need you to bike down to the end of your block right now! M-My car is being stolen-they're about to pass your street!” Sam's breathing sounded panicked and out of breath, he let out a yelp as the phone shuffled a bit.

“Whoa-wait that doesn't make any sense?!,” She was already putting on her shoes, forgetting the shorts and tank she had on before dashing outside to her black bike, “Why did you call me-Call the police!”

“I did! You try to speak to the police-when you can barely breath! It's been so long since I've biked this much I’m out of shape,”

She biked down to the end of her street and sure enough the black and yellow camaro drove full speed ahead, deciding to follow she made a full dash behind them. The windows were oddly tinted from what she could tell but it didn't make sense due to the fact they were not the few times she was in the car.

Sam soon caught up with her, their speed wasn’t as fast as the vehicle ,but they were able to keep on its tail the whole entire time. Her breathing was labored as they passed many streets in pursuit of the speeding vehicle, it was a miracle for the robber that the streets were clear this time of night. It wasn’t long before the pursuit led them onto private property, the car rammed right through the gate without mercy.

(Y/n) stopped as Sam kept biking on through the gate, “Sam! This is private property!”

The boy didn't seem to hear her as he was more focused on retrieving his car. Sam's form disappeared behind the corner of the building , the girl groaned in frustration and followed against her better judgment. She soon caught up with her friend on foot leaving her bike where he left his.

“Sam we have to leave-”

Sam covered her mouth, pointing up at the large emerging figure in front of the powerplant. (Y/n) looked up at the sight before her in great fascination. The robot's form was one to take a gander at. From the clear Chevrolet bust to the wings on the back being the doors. A quirk of a smile made way on her face at the sight before her

Sam ducked down and began recording on his phone, “Hello, My name is Sam Witwicky! I am here with my best friend (Y/n) (L/n)-who ever finds this my car is alive-okay,” He held up the phone to the robot, accidently getting (Y/n)’s curious expression in the process, “I-If this is my last words-I just wanted to say, Mom-Dad I love you and if you find ‘Busties Beauties’ under my bed it wasn’t mine! I'm holding it for Miles! No-no-wait that's not true it's mine-Miles gave it to me I'm sorry! Mojo, I love you.``

Sam hug up the phone and slowly picked himself up from the ground, He grabbed (Y/n) pulling her along from the massive robot shining the light into the night.

Her gaze never left the figure, something inside of her tugged her soul back towards the massive being. The same being from the stories her grandfather told her about each night. It was different from what she'd imagined, but she wasn't disappointed-not one bit. (Y/n) heard they came in a variety of many shapes and sizes, just like humans only their forms were more mechanical and they could live for ages in comparison.

The girl turned her excited gaze back to Sam,“What do you think it was? Pops told me stories about this-” She was cut off with the boy silencing her, it took a moment before she heard it, the low growl of a predator.

The two teens moved slowly, watching the dogs carefully looking for a means of escape; Unfortunately, (Y/n) wasn’t one to dwell with danger, in fact her first response was to run from it. Sam was hot on her heels, the growls of the two dogs growing near with each turn the two took. The two teens jumped and dodge obstacles in the wake, trying to escape the threatening jaws of punishment.

“H-hey! Good Dog! Good Dog-!”

“Shut up Sam! And Run!”

They both ended up in a dead end, both fending for themselves on a large crate to escape the large jaws of disapproval. One ended up biting the girl's shoe, leading to her yelling in panic, Sam tried to grab a hold of her before she could fall. Before the black dog could jump and attack again, the black and yellow car crashed through just in time, Sam never looked more scared in his life as the vehicle circled them drawing away the dogs from earlier.

“H-hey! Please-Please don't kill us! I'm sorry! Here's the keys-you can have em’! Cars all yours!” Sam threw the keys at the car, pulling (Y/n) along with him outside.

(Y/n) froze once the cop car pulled up in front of them, Sam was relieved rushing up to them in panic, “Woah-woah-listen-listen-listen!Good your here!-”

“Let me see your hands!” Both officers immediately pulled both firearms pointing at the two of them, the girl felt bile in her throat, and immediately placed her hands up walking over in compliance.

“Wait-no no no-what you mean? The guys inside-?!”

“Shut up! Put your hands behind your head, and put your head on the hood.” Both of them complied, Sam looked over at his friend noticing her expression. (Y/n)’s eyes were filled with tears, a bitter snarl on her lips as she was handcuffed first beside him. He immediately regretted calling her tonight.

~✯~

The car ride was tense between the two teens as Ron drove (Y/n) home. Their time at the police office was surely interesting, the two cops never let up on her, not once. She's been many things in her life, but never had she been called a drug addict and a thug.

It hurt, it hurt so bad and she never knew those two men in her life. It was the fact it took Sam asking, ‘Why are you guys only questioning her? I'm the one who called!’ for them to finally let up on their verbal abuse. She was so tired and worn out. It left a mental strain to know she actually went to jail, and was arrested for simply trying to help.

Sam shifted awkwardly in his seat, “(Y/n), I’m sorry-”

“Save it,” Her tone was bitter and hurt, a struggled breath left her in trying hard not to cry, “Out of all things I’ve done for you this is the one thing-the one thing I deeply regret.”

The boy looked at her hurt, “You don't mean that-”

“Sam,” Ron tried to shut his son up.

“No-she doesn't mean that! (Y/n) you always said were in it together-”

“When has there been an us as of late!” The Afro headed girl finally snapped, “Every single time you ask for something it's for your benefit! When have you ever done me a favor-!”

“Plenty of times!”

“Name one Samuel!”

Sam paused for a moment, rethinking the last time he actually offered to help her with something. Ron looked at his son in the corner of his eye in frustration, he knew this would somehow come back to bite his son in the ass. The boy sighed against the seat in frustration.

“I-I’m sorry-I didn't realize that I neglected this part of our friendship-”

“You did the moment you let Miles degrade me and keep him around-over and over-This! This is the tip of the iceberg Sam!,” (Y/n) sighed, “You’d rather have any friend to talk to-and any girl to stare at you and caress you without actually making the steps to build something, without thinking of them in a lewd manner-”

“Hey guys-let's not say anything we might regret-”

“I mean every-fucking-word. I've been nothing but a good friend-not only did I give you the car I wanted-but I helped you with a girl who didn't give two shits about you-who-hell-didn't even know your name till sixteen hours ago and I still corrected her-”

“Mikaela doesn't have to do with anything in regards to the conversation-”

“Of course she doesn't! But everytime shes not around and your with me you have to bring her up twenty four seven-”

“Guys-”

“Oh-oh really? You wanna bring that up? How about we talk about how you basically were talking with a stranger and was basically inviting him to fu-”

Ron smacked his son's head before he could finish, but the damage was done, (Y/n) sat back in the seat , tears seeped her lips as she stared out the window. Sam acknowledged his mistake ,and didn't say another word for the rest of the car ride.

Mr. Witwicky dropped the girl off and watched her sad figure walk inside the house, he looked back at Sam, a deep frown placed on his face. “Out of everything to say, you allude to her being a prostitute-”

“She was bashing Mikaela-”

“She wasn’t bashing that girl, and you know it!” Mr Witwicky threw his hands to the roof of the vehicle in frustration, “She was pointing out how you take the things you have for granted, especially your friendship. To be honest I thought you'd grow up and be smart and realize that (Y/n) is the one you should be running after, not some chick who messes with jocks and because she looks like a pornstar,”

Sam looked at the door (Y/n) walked through, the lights were on-signaling her Nana was awake, it was no doubt she would be interrogated. He knew his dad didn’t mean to insult Mikaela, so he let it slide; but he still didn’t like how both of them were right. He did have a habit of chasing after girls who focused more on popular guys than schoolwork.

“She’ll never see me that way, she only has stuck around because we’re all we have-“

“Oh so “friends” wake up at 2 o’clock at night, go on a car chase and get arrested for someone because their friends,” The boy's father was deeply disappointed, watching the girl he watched grow along his son wasn’t something to idle by. (Y/n)’s reputation would be described as pure since middle school and on; However, tonight tainted the innocent record that landed her many scholarships.

“Think about all the things she lost, do you honestly want to take away the one thing she wanted to achieve in life?! Her degree in robotics, her minor in creative writing-“

Sam sighed in frustration, his father didn’t even finish he was so heated with the night of events. It was his first time being arrested along with (Y/n), however it didn’t affect him as much since his father was head of the neighborhood watch.

“I-I couldn't see her that way! I chose to see her as a sister-and whenever I entertained that idea it just seemed wrong!” Sam looked at his dad, a pained expression morphed on his face from the night of events, “I know I'm not the one for her Dad, these past few years proved it. Yesterday, I was so jealous at the thought of another guy stealing what we have with each other, then I realized how toxic I would've been-to keep her single while I kept looking for someone else like her.”

Ron frowned slowly realizing what his son was venting. He knew the answer but decided to ask anyway. “Did you fall in love with her and give up?”

Sams face twisted and turned his head out the window once more, the night sky suddenly looked more interesting, “Why continue to chase after someone when they deserve the moon, and you simply can’t give it to them,”

~✯~

The two women were silent as they looked at eachother, it was overwhelming to say the least. (Y/n) had expected to see a belt, her laptop and favorite belongings on full display in front of Nana awaiting her punishment. Instead she wasn't seeing any of that, her grandmother simply sat on the sofa with her hands in her lap staring up at her with worried eyes.

She stood in the living room, tears running down her face, her twists were in a disheveled bun from the night of events and her pajamas were dirty. Her Nana gave her a once over, spotting the scrap on the girl's knee that wasn't banaged. You’d think the girl would have noticed her injury, she guessed the adrenaline as she ran from the dogs made up for it.

A sharp inhale caused (Y/n) to flinch, much to her grandmother's dismay, “You don't have to be so tense, I talked with Ron on the phone. I know it wasn't your fault sweetheart,” The older woman stood up from the sofa and waved a hand gesturing towards the kitchen. “Let's fix you up, then you can tell me your side of the story.”

(Y/n) stood still in the doorway, a sharp needle of anxiety pierced her heart, “You're not mad? Or disappointed-?”

“Not mad, just worried. And the only way I would have been disappointed was if you hadn’t complied when told to-that would have put you in more danger.”

The two of them made their way to the kitchen, the light in the room seemed to calm her down for the most part but she was still unsettled from everything that had happened. She couldn’t forget the words the men had spoken to her in such a derogatory manner. (Y/n) normally would’ve rolled it off her shoulder, but something about tonight hit her like a storm.

‘We get girls like you in this seat all the time, star students by day-druggies by night’

‘Such a shame, we've got nothing but good things about you on file. It seems everyone has a devil inside them-’

‘What do you expect? Their kind is more susceptible to the life of crime anyway. Especially females, they love the rush of a thug being their man-ain’t that right girl?’

The second cop was so racist to a point where she didn't understand. The other one was treating her and Sam to the same treatment where the other was just so discriminatory. She's sure a good bath and drowning herself in movies would help, after all it wasn't like racism didn't exist; everywhere- even on cybertron that's how she learned about the subject anyway-especially with Nana's concerns of her going to middle school not knowing about the subject.

(Y/n) flinched as her grandmother cleaned the cut, she felt like a little girl again watching how she carefully cleaned the cut with peroxide before dabbing on some neosporin. If she wasnt so traumatized she'd be convinced she had just fallen off her bike after learning for the first time. Pop’s carrying her back in the house as she sucked on a popsicle through blurry eyes of frustration.

“You're lucky it was just grazed, nothing too deep,” Her Nana placed a kiss over the band-aid before putting the medical supplies away, “Now do you wanna tell me why you chased after that vehicle?”

The girl let out a shaky breath before starting the disgruntled tale. Her grandmother had fixed herself tea as she listened, sometimes she would interrupt and ask questions; ‘How tinted were the windows?’ ‘Could you see the driver?’ ‘Did the motor sound weird?’. It wasn’t long before she paused mid story when she accidentally spilled that they saw something, Nana gazed at her telling to continue, but her mouth became dry. Her grandmother didn't react well last time when she mentioned the insignia, how was she supposed to tell her about the robot she saw? She could hardly believe it herself from what her own eyes had captured.

“You-you wouldn’t believe me anyway-”

“Try me,” The cup was sat down, the kind gaze never wavering as she looked at her, “Me and your grandfather have seen and experienced many things (Y/n), that many people wouldn't believe unless they've seen it for themselves.”

A nervous laugh erupted from her tired lips, she hardly believed what she said next, “Sam's car turned into a giant robot.” She laughed again, but this time it was sad as tears rolled down.

Then it hit her, whatever it was-the anxiety never left this time instead it boiled. Her mind couldn't take it-she was so tired. The sight that she had seen tonight was the one thing she had wanted to see since she was so young. She promised to help them-to fight alongside them in the war and achieve many victories for their cause. And here she was years later, and she didn't know if she believed it, or if she had simply gone mad after her grandfather died.

Whether it was the lost part of innocence tonight or wishful thinking, she never wanted that escape again more in her life, she missed it. The effortless journals she’d write of going on adventures, fighting, living a life as that character everyone loved and wanted to be. All of it, was it pointless?

“-Sweetheart?”

“I'm going to bed-I-Im sorry for lying, Nana. We only saw the burglars abandon it, nothing more.”

(Y/n) left the kitchen her form shaking and disgruntled, as her Nana sat at the table watching her leave. The older woman sighed, rolling her eyes before getting up and heading towards her room. A liar is not what (Y/n) is, her Nana knew. What emerged from her granddaughter's mouth was nothing but the truth.

Robots-no Cybertronians are a special case.

Their whole family knew the truth except the girl in the other room, sometimes (GM/N) wondered why they never told her the truth before (GD/N) died. Sure, it was best to keep her innocent for a while but after what she saw tonight only means she'll soon be tossed into something she never bargained for.

Nana took the box from the high shelf from the right side of the closet where her late husband stored his belongings. The box was a bit worn and dusty, but the contents were safe. She hugged the box close to her chest and sent a quick prayer.

Afterall, her granddaughter was going to need it.

~✯~

To many teenagers work was a chore they hated to get up and get ready for this time of day, but as far as this aspiring protagonist goes, she loved waking up in the morning and heading to her family's library. With her finals being done in comparison to Sam, she's able to take up earlier shifts than normal. Luckily Grace was willing to switch morning shifts with her this morning much to her pleasure.

It was around nine am giving her enough time to organize the return pile by genre and author. It was a nice ritual to get her mind off of the past few days, don't get her wrong; there were moments she'd mess with the band aid on her knee, or simply sipped her coffee anxiously as a police car drove by the large window. She didn't want to think about that night, and if she did she only wanted to think about one thing; the cybertronian.

It started to feel wrong to call them a robot after all she knew what the species were called. It was no secret to her family about the stories and now-truth be told she started to gain the suspension. They were not just stories. She thought long and hard about how gentle her grandmother was with her yesterday, she kept glancing at her as if she had something to tell her-just don't know how. Not to even mention she sat by the phone expecting Sam to call her-why she didn't know. (Y/n) just wanted the reassurance that they were still friends-family even.

(Y/n) placed the last neat pile over near the horror section, it had been quite popular the past few weeks after they hosted that horror book night last october-it was her idea for a fundraiser and it was highly successful. The only takeaway was hunting people who forget to return them. In the corner of her eye she watched her Nana walk out of the break room with a steaming cup and a cinnamon roll from the bakery next door.

If She had been a bit more considerate of herself this morning she might have gotten one as well, they were nice and soft, the icing smooth and sickenly sweet if eaten too fast. She had to think long and hard about where she was going to eat lunch.

(Y/n) finished her morning ritual in the library with ease, once she was sure everything was in order she was able to help out at the front. Some were familiar faces, others were simply students from other schools returning books required for the curriculum of english. It was all worth it; after the familiar face strolled in her heart began to thump anxiously, whereas her hands were suddenly busy in her coils.

The black haired boy looked around for a moment before locking eyes with her own. It didn't take but a minute before he flashed a smile heading in her direction, the others in the library seemed irrelevant at the moment in comparison to the male who remembered her quick words that day. He looked nice; His shirt was black with vertical white and yellow stripes down his chest, and he wore black jeans with a subtle chain on the hip. His converse were a bit dirty like hers, but in her mind all shoes were meant to be replaced after a while.

“So this is the famous (L/n) library,” Bee smiled brightly, he did another once over causing her heart to warm with his excited eyes, “I’m impressed! You own the place so young?”

She laughed, “No, it's a family business! It’s been here for more than sixty-eight years.”

He whistled low, the charm he had was starting to take effect. She licked her lips nervously as he took a gander at the ceiling, it was a renaissance styled painting with her family's stories. There were many robots stylized to show which were good, evil, and simply trying to survive crossfire. His eyes seemed to land on one figure specifically, a large sword was in the figures hands, they were leaner with a female build with an angular frame. What stood out so much was the male human by her side.

Blue eyes went back on her form, something glimmered for a second before a carefree look took on his features. He paused for a moment, looking behind her, she followed his gaze seeing that Nana was looking at the boy. It was a moment where (Y/n) could see them talking with their eyes, another moment passed before her grandmother smiled, turning to her.

“(Y/n) who is this? A New friend?”

The girl bit her lip looking over at a Bee, he seemed to be awaiting her answer, “Y-yeah, we met at the park last Friday. He was very nice,”

The boy seemed to approve of her answer, “Hello my name is Bee,”

“Hello Bee, Im (Y/n)’s grandmother (G/N), but you can call me Nana,” Nana smiled at her new friend, placing the new stack of history books on the desk to be organized later. “You're actually in luck, my sweetheart is on break! She'd love to hang out with you a bit.”

“What? But-”

“That's great! I'd love to hear more about the paintings above and the histories about them.” The black haired smiled.

Her Nana pushed her from behind the desk quickly, urging her to talk to the boy before them. (Y/n) grabbed her grandfather's notebook from the top counter, this one was the history about the library, in chapter two it gives short summaries about the paintings above. She’d tell her friend about the summary and they tell him what she remembered about the story to the best of her ability.

(Y/n) led Bee to the comfortable part of the library, in the far corner there was a circular table with two arm chairs. It was her favorite spot for breaks. They both sat down, she couldn’t help but notice how the boy felt up and down with the fabric as if it were foreign to him.

“Is it not comfortable?” She questioned quietly with a frown. Bee flinched with her question, planching his hands on his knees.

“No-no it's very comfortable-im just not used to the feeling,” He answered with a bit of nerves in his tone. “I'm sorry if I've offended you-”

“No you haven't, I just wanted to make sure my new friend was comfortable,” She offered a kind smile to ease him of his worries.

She gave him a once over, he did clean up nicely from the last time she saw him, however she couldn’t help but pause at his neck. There was a prominent scare on the right side, she couldn't believe she had never seen it before. If there was one way of describing it, it would be a star that she gazed at each night before going to bed, it rested right near the vocal cords.

“So about the femme-female in the middle, what story do you have for her my dear storyteller?”

(Y/n) actually let out a giggle, “Storyteller? Is that my new nickname?”

Bee hummed, “No you deserve something better, but that's what you do right? You tell amazing stories and draw people in.”

“Well yes, but it's only fun doing it. It's not like it'll be a job for me to do in the near future.”

The boy cocked an eyebrow, which apparently has a slit, “Why not?”

“It simply won’t pay the bills. As an aspiring author or writer you have to be smart, you have to have another area of profession to feed yourself until everything takes off.”

He nodded in understanding, “I see. I wouldn’t rule this out of your life forever. You do such a good job as is,” He scooted the chair closer once the girl flipped through the pages of the book. He seemed more preoccupied with staring at her than the varying pictures. “So what are you gonna read to me today?”

(Y/n) smiled, “The summary of Merlin’s Female knight. I’ll have to get to know you more before I tell you the full tale. These are our family stories.”

“Seems fair,”

The girl inhaled before starting the summary.

“During the dark ages of Merlin, a variety of knights were introduced from the planet Cybertron. With these knights came a new era of acceptance with humans; they fought many wars and formed many alliances. However with the new era the knights acknowledged something needed to be changed with predacons as well. A few of these predacons were highly intelligent femmes pledging their loyalty to the cause. Three knights took the predacons as sparkmates, leading to the next generation. One of these femmes was named-“

(Y/n)s words faltered as she felt Bee's breath on the nape of her neck. She finally took notice of how close he’d gotten. His hand was close to hers, slightly brushing as she flipped the page again. She was reading the words in English, skipping over the cybertronian language she’s grown to learn.

A hand clasped hers urgently, she paused on the page she was about to skip, the pages were filled with the foreign symbols. She looked at him, his mouth was moving as he scanned the page.

‘He can read it?!’

“You can read it? How can you-“

“I-I’m sorry I have to go.” The boy removed his hand from hers, the warmth that enveloped her body was gone; she was so tempted to frown right there. She stormed after him, questions filling her mind with urgency. It’s been so long since she had someone who understood the language other than her grandparents.

“Wha-what? Why? What did I do-?” Bee cut her off by grabbing her hands in his once more. He stared at her, his eyes were worried and deeply struggled to communicate.

“You haven't done anything. (Y/n) I know I haven't done anything to deserve your trust ,but I’m going to need you to trust me,” His frown seemed almost natural on his face as if he was more accustomed to the expression. It spoke volumes to her. “I promise, to explain later sweetspark okay?”

The girl nodded a bit, flustered from the boy using the tongue it took her many years to accomplish. He had her trust by just speaking the language. With the nod of confirmation, he made haste out the front doors. When she tried to watch him leave, he was already gone.

It was two hours after the boy left and oddly enough (Y/n) felt as if a huge weight was lifted off her chest in regards to the events that have happened lately. She could still feel the warmth of his hands against hers as she turned the pages.

It felt as if the hands on their own could tell stories, along with the scar of the left side of his neck. The intimate thoughts she had earlier returned, her lips would graze each scar with sweet whispers; (Y/n) could hear his playful tone teasing her for being so bold, yet so sweet with his battle wounds.

She paused for a minute at the thought-when had she decided the scars came from battle or even a war. Something about her intuition was going off, whether it was the sinking feeling at the thought of him being so young on the front lines, or the fact he had to keep such secrets of his injuries to himself. (Y/n) shook her head before closing the book, deciding it was time to clock out.

Grace had already clocked in thirty minutes ago and was ready to take over. Now all she needed was her book bag and-. A loud commotion of a familiar voice suddenly filled the space of the library much to her dismay, she hoped it wasn't her Nana reminding her not to work overtime and to relax. However, when she turned the corner from one of the isles she was met with an erratic and panicked Witwicky.

“Sam! What the hell is your problem?! This is a library-!” (Y/n) was suddenly embraced by Sam, his form was shaky and he had labored breaths. She didn't get to ask questions about it, as she was already being led outside the library with her bookbag in hand.

“We’re being followed by the car,” Sam spoke quickly, he grabbed her bike from the rack and pushed it towards her. She finally took notice of the fact he was riding his mom's bike, normally she would’ve laughed but at the moment she sunk in the situation at hand.

“Did you just say the car is following us?” The question rolled off her tongue with ease, it sounded excited, no hint of worry in sight. It scared her afterwards with how quick she got happy with the thought of the alien following them.

“Yes-it followed me home! Then when I biked here to get away, it followed me-only it didn’t take the same route, it took a faster one and parked behind the building. It knows where you work!” He hopped on the bike, (Y/n) doing the same quickly with her own, as anxiety rolled down her spine.

The two teens biked down the street quickly, it wasn't long before the sound of a roaring engine sped up right behind them-the game of cat and mouse being reversed from the other day. The girl didn't dare to look back, Sam did enough for the both of them combined. Judging from the way her friend was panting in panic she could only assume the car was close. They both decided to bike through a park, Sam was so focused on his escape from the vehicle to notice the uneven concrete in the midst of their path.

It was a domino effect, Sam flipped himself landing on his back with a pained groan. (Y/n) let out a yelp and tried to swerve the bike in time but ended up losing her balance and falling off. She bit back a whine from the new found scrapes and bruises on her elbow and right knee.

“Sam? (Y/n)?” A familiar voice called out to the two of them. Sam looked to his right to find Mikeala and her friends looking at them. A few were giggling and whispering while looking in (Y/n)’s direction, none of them had ever seen the girl flawed before. The teen always made sure to be poised in all conditions, however seeing the girl fall off her bike nearing tears was something to boost their egos.

“Hi,” He mustered awkwardly with a groan, whereas (Y/n) simply waved a hand clutching her arm.

“Um t-that was uh-that was really…..awesome,” The girl managed to ease up the situation, “Are you two okay?”

“N-no I'm not-alright? I'm losing my mind. My car is chasing us,” Sam bit out straightening his bike. He looked over at (Y/n) taking in her injury, her steps faltered a bit due to the pressure placed on her knee. Sam quickly helped her onto her bike, his hands rested on her hips longer than they should’ve though. “We gotta go.”

Mikaela noticed (Y/n)’s look of anguish for a moment before turning back to her friends, “Hey I'm gonna catch up with you guys later.” About the time the brunet made it to her Vespa the two friends were already on the move once more.

(Y/n)’s balance swayed here and there, her head was throbbing and her elbow hurt to bend. She was lagging behind, the car seemed to notice, as each time it got to close it started to slow down its pace giving her enough time to bike through each light.

Thankfully they finally found a place to stop, (Y/n) led the way underneath the interstate bridges where many cars were parked. She gestured to Sam to follow her, they had found a nice hiding spot for a moment,watching the car speed past. The two friends looked at each other before letting out a breath of relief.

“Are you okay? How's your arm?” Sam gently grabbed the girl's arm, trying to extend it a bit to make sure nothing was broken. (Y/n) winced a bit, fighting back tears, it wasn't that bad, she was sure it'd feel better later.

The silence was soon interrupted by a familiar siren, shaking the girl to her core. Sam on the other hand was relieved, he whispered a soft ‘stay here’ before moving from their hiding spot. Her breathing became labored, the foreign chill of metal on her wrists became a new fear. They couldn’t be arrested again, they couldn't!

“Officer!Listen-” Sam let out a pained yelp as the car door hit him, knocking him off the bike with one fell swoop. (Y/n) gasped, she suddenly forgot how to breath suddenly as she watched her friend wither on the ground.

“Offi-Listen to me! Thank god! My friend and I have had the worst day ever! We've been followed here-on my mothers and her grandmother's bike! Right?! And My cars right there-and it's been following me-us here! so-so get out of the car!” Right after Sam slammed his hands on the police vehicle it started to drive forward, knocking Sam off his feet and onto the ground. “Woah stop-!Okay-Okay!I'm sorry! Im Sorry! I'm sorry I hit your car!”

“Stop!” (Y/n) raced from her hiding spot, she tried to step between Sam and the vehicle. She kicked the hood showing she had enough of the abuse of power displayed. She however paused once the vehicle's headlights popped out, sharp metal sticking out around the lights sending a chill down her body. She soon looked at the side of the car, her body running cold; ‘to punish and enslave’.

“Run. Sam run!” She grabbed her friend, helping him on his feet; it was just in time too, she soon heard the sound of shifting metal behind her. The rise of bile was heavy in her throat as she pushed Sam to run faster.

“Oh Shit! Oh Shit!” Sam screamed as he made a turn through the rubble of trash. “What the hell is that?!”

“A Decepticon! Here on earth?!” The girl cried to herself, she was pretty sure her subconscious mind answered for her. She had never seen a Decepticon in person, but the way the con was chasing them with a threatening aura she was so sure.

Before she could get them to make another turn she felt herself flying through the air before making impact with the windshield of a car. She heard Sam scream her name, only for him to fall on top of her a second later. She made a move to push the boy off only to scream instead once the con pulled out a chainsaw for a hand, slamming it on the side of the car.

Out of all the questions she had running through her mind as to why the con wanted them only one was answered, and it was one of the most threatening ways of answering.

“Are you username Ladiesman217?! And are you Storyteller (Y/n) (L/n)?!”

The two teens looked at eachother frightened, “Yea”

“Where are the glasses! And the books of Luna One!”

[emilykaldwen]

I think you created an incredibly vanilla OC who is the embodiment of the maiden and saviour of Aegon. She is like virginal, Madonna like. She is the bunny girl. Then you just whack edgy concepts on her like the whole blowjob thing. Like fr blowing is something you need to gain by experience or being told logistics of. I hardly think someone like Abby would know what to do technically wise. You made it seem like she was an expert. Which is so unrealistic man. And it gets messy too but your interpretations is weirdly sanitary

Like we can have character development and nuance but you don't know the meaning of the word. We have a pure maiden never been carnally touched but somehow she can naturally give pornstar level bjs. Get real Nat

Hey anon! Thank you for showing that you're either one of my [few] followers or have my blog open in a tab or something because I was just thinking about you when I reblogged that Tom Hardy Picture 11 minutes before you sent me this. Hello! How are you?

I'm putting this behind a cut to both save the dash and spoilers for the fic in general I guess? Thank you for giving me the opportunity to talk about my character and the themes I'm exploring in my story!

Do not come in here and tell me I don't know the meaning of character development and nuance (and don't fucking call me Nat, which only my friends call me, you do not have the right to it), when it's abundantly clear you don't have an ioata of reading comprehension given that in the chapter you're throwing a fit about, you failed to read Aegon specifically thinking how Abby's not great but she's at least enthusiastic, and he is giving her some guidance, but do you really need a word-for-word break down of it? I mean I'll keep it in mind but Aegon's not thinking 'wow my fiancee is super bad at this', like my dude thinks about how Cassandra Baratheon is better at this.

But it also is abundantly clear that this is the only chapter you've read because we have because they're physically intimate in both Chapters 8 and 15, which build up Abby's confidence in being an active participant.

We see in their first encounter together that Aegon's absolutely taking the lead, but Abby does reach for him. She does want to touch him. He comes upon her touching herself and thinking about him. Because this isn't regency or victorian England. They do know about sex, there are dozens of horny Valyrian frescoes around the red keep, and while the Seven frowns down upon it, people are still getting down out of wedlock, they are exploring themselves, and I'm not sorry about touching upon that. When Aegon gets her off in Chapter Eight, Abby also touches him in return. She's curious! She wants to touch him! She's full of horny good hormones! And seeing him taste her off his fingers, she hesitantly gives him a taste as well. And frankly, by the time we've gotten to this most recent chapter, Aegon's been teaching her how to give a good handjob for like, a month.

Yes, you are right in that Abby is meant to represent those things. That's why the story is called The MAIDEN and the Drowning Boy. Because this is an ideal being forced upon her in so many different directions. So, AGAIN, it's abundantly clear to me that you have not read any of the other chapters because we have in IN CHAPTER ELEVEN AND THIRTEEN TALKS ABOUT THIS:

The entire point of this first arc and Aegon and Abby going through what they do (also referenced in their fight in Chapter Eleven.

Also, again, I'm coming back to keep your purity culture bullshit out of my inbox. Stop thinking that a virgin means uwu innocent doesn't know anything baby. This story is actively going against that assumption and ideal because it's a shitty one. Engaging in sexual activity should never, ever mean that someone is no long 'pure'. It's a disgusting view point that goes down an even more reprehensible rabbit hole (no pun intended but we're going with it anyway).

The virginal Madonna motif you talk about is an impossible ideal, and one that is actively addressed in the story... but you'd actually have to read the story instead of just reading my recent chapter and coming in my inbox trying to belittle my character.

And for the fucking record: Abrogail Strong does not have a magical vagina and she sure as hell isn't here to save Aegon. If he wants to be saved, he has to make that decision himself (and he is).

Also??? is this a new thing? Since when the fuck are blowjobs edgy? Blowjobs are so fucking basic. Like? We even get implied blowjobs in a fucking kids movie (You know that scene in The Road to El Dorado I'm talking about). NOT TO MENTION I'm not sorry, if you're looking for descriptions straight from The Hub, my work is not for you. Graphic play by plays are not what I write, I prefer to focus on the emotional and internal side of things because that is what interests me.

[turtlecleric]

Okay. I'm rereading Symphony after the Chapter 20 bombshell because I am so Very Unwell, and I'm keeping track of my thoughts here. SPOILERS for Symphony, obviously. I quote the fic a lot, and those quotes are in bold.

[I'm making a new post for this so that it's not so obnoxiously long and annoying for everyone's dash after I finish each chapter. I'll just update this one post instead of adding more and more reblogs.]

Last Chapter Reread: Chapter 20!! This post is finally complete!

Chapter 1

I'm just... I can't stop thinking about Violist-chan right now. Even from the very first chapter, it's established that she (in my opinion) is the type of person who really goes above and beyond to be thoughtful and considerate and just plain nice to people (as long as they aren't complete jerks obviously).

She put together goody bags for her neighbors because she was going to be practicing at home for a bit, and these bags had "ear plugs, ibuprofen, a small gift card to one of the local coffee shops, two homemade cookies, and a card with your handwriting on it" as well as her cell number so people could ask her to stop if need be, like???? Are you kidding me???? That's so much effort and time and actual money spent that she put into that, and she wasn't even close to any of her neighbors (at the time) or anything, she was just being considerate. And then at April's door she offers to go get more cookies for them just to prevent any sort of argument over the cookies. Then offers Casey a discount on violin lessons. Then offers to let him use and potentially buy one of her old violins since he doesn't have one. GIRL. LEO IS RIGHT. YOU'RE TOO NICE.

On another note, have we seen the diagonal neighbor yet that wasn't home when Vi was distributing cookies? I can't remember. I wonder if they're going to be important. I'm not dismissing ANYTHING anymore.

Oh my god. Her talking to April about becoming friends -> Quick, what’s something friends do together?! “We can… grab coffee sometime?” Shit, shit, that’s a date thing, right? Fuck!

Then just after, when she's alone -> “…Friend,” you echo stupidly, trying to think of when was the last time someone had called you that. To put it gently, that's not the word most people use to describe you. THIS HURTS ME. VIOLIST DEFENSE SQUAD ROLL OUT FOR REAL, LIKE WHAT THE FUCK?? SO WHAT, HAVE PEOPLE JUST BEEN NEGLECTING AND USING HER HER ENTIRE LIFE??? I'M SO ANGRY. (But also, Grace and Sinclair are perfectly nice and friendly... I feel like Vi really struggles with making and keeping friends? So she just. Keeps herself so busy that she doesn't have time to think about how actually lonely she really is?)

that little mindfulness trip you were pretending you were definitely going to take this year no really this time is also off the books

She straight up does not take care of herself and kind of knows that? She's never her own first priority. God.

A sense of unworthiness slides down your spine like ice; it doesn’t feel proper for you to receive praise for something that should just be normal.

The first time I read this I remember thinking that she was such a good person for this mentality, but now this makes me think of the (Stupid girl. Stupid, Stupid, Stupid) stuff we've been getting lately. I'm so sad for her, I wonder if she's always struggled with negative thoughts and feelings about herself and the relationship with Alopex made it worse?

You look tired, you think, studying the bags under your eyes and the frown on your face. Do you always look this tired? Is this the face everyone sees you wear? Is this how the world knows you?

Once again. I am so sad for her.

When April runs into her and her laundry goes everywhere and she just. 'It's okay, I got it, go on, don't worry' like I'm??? SO????? I'm not mad at April or anything obviously, but this is just another instance of Vi putting herself last, behind literally everyone else. ALL SHE DOES IS GIVE GIVE GIVE.

What an excellent introduction to her character.

---

Chapter 2

Vi talking about the proper sitting technique with Casey - "You’ll get used to it. Maybe someday you’ll be like me and that’s just how you sit now.” 

This is hitting me because yes obviously she's a professional musician so it makes perfect sense, but also the idea of doing something that starts out as uncomfortable for so long, over and over and over, until it feels natural to you... kind of like how she's made being alone (in the ways that matter), staying busy, and putting others first into her normal.

God. Casey still, even after so long, having to remind himself that his life is no longer a genuine toss up every day. "Plenty of time" must have been such a foreign concept that he still struggles with at times.

Vi is genuinely so funny. I need to shower her in compliments immediately.

Ooh, you misread that one. ... “Sorry, I just assumed-"

GOD. Vi seeing a relationship between Casey and April where there wasn't one (yet). This hits different after chapter 20. Fuck.

you’re kind of desperate for pleasant things at the moment

I'm going to cry. This is literally only the second chapter and nothing has really happened yet but I'm really realizing how much I love Vi and want her to be happy. I want her to be taken care of so badly. My heart aches for her.

Donnie: "I apologize. I misunderstood.” HM. ANOTHER NOD TO MISUNDERSTANDINGS. This has GOT to be intentional. I'm so angry (impressed).

Vi, to Donnie about Casey: "if I find out that you’re being a dick, we’re going to have words.” She's so fiercely protective of others. But for herself??? Nah. Let it go, be the bigger person, blah blah blah. I'm going to fling myself into the sun.

---

Chapter 3

Baking apology cookies for April and Donnie. ONCE AGAIN. VI IS TOO NICE. GOD.

“Typical Donnie stuff,” April says, opening the oven to check on whatever smells amazing inside. “Being a smug little buttface. Jumping to conclusions. Running his big mouth.”

YEAH. YEP. TYPICAL DONNIE STUFF. GOD.

Vi just. So easily and quickly forgiving Donnie after their first meeting. Despite her justifiable anger. I'm. Gritting my teeth. (I LOVE Donnie, I will ALWAYS be a Donnie girl, but I cannot help being so, so angry with him after chapter 20.)

Leo's first appearance!! God I love him so fucking much. (I cannot wait for his talk with Vi whenever we finally make it to Saturday in the fic. I'm also slightly terrified that whatever he tells Vi will be some sort of... betrayal? I don't think my heart could take being upset with both Donnie AND Leo... we'll see.)

The pressure that Vi felt while Leo was studying her... I'm still wondering if the pressure was an actual like... mystical thing, somehow? Or if it's just his Presence, if he's just that good, that he can make his scrutiny something almost physical.

him not knowing you well enough to know you don’t normally look this exhausted

Is that even true, though? I feel like Vi IS always exhausted. How could she not be? Literally HOW does she even function, honestly?

"They’d have to get through me if they wanted to do something, and god, April, I was hoping they would, all but begging them to, I was so fucking mad—”

Once again, she is so fiercely protective of others. And I'm almost... worried about it. She really does throw herself in harms way without a second thought. I almost wonder if... some part of her welcomes some kind of... punishment or backlash or something. 'Better me hurt than anyone else' kind of thing, you know? And there was a line a few paragraphs before that - you tug on a lock of hair to distract yourself from getting too worked up - and that, paired with the recent things she's been doing in 20 and 21, gripping her arms and leaving crescent marks, pressing into the bruises Donnie left, only forcing herself to eat in front of Leo so he doesn't worry... all of that is very familiar to me in the worst way. I'm so worried about her.

you look up to see three faces looking at you with various levels of awe. It makes you sick, seeing it, knowing that they think you’re something incredible when you’re just doing the bare minimum. Your arms fold, nails digging into your biceps - again, I remember reading this the first time and thinking she was so great, and she IS, but I'm so so WORRIED about her. Also, once again, the digging nails into her skin thing. Worried. WORRIED.

(I love April so much. God. She deserves more love and attention from me, she really is such a good friend.)

Leo, you note, has been quiet for this entire conversation. You notice it suddenly ... Even when you look at him and his eyes meet your own, staring, staring, he doesn’t say anything, and his face is blank.

I'm obsessed with him. I'm obsessed with whatever is going on in his head. I'm obsessed. I was obsessed then, I'm obsessed now, I will stay obsessed. I love him.

“This was—so amazing, oh my god,” you tell April and Casey. “I’m so glad we’re friends. Can we do this all the time? I’ll bring cookies and bread and stuff.”

SHE'S SO LONELY. SHE JUST WANTS FRIENDS. VI, YOU DON'T HAVE TO BRIBE PEOPLE TO GET THEM TO HANG OUT WITH YOU. I'M SO GODDAMN SAD.

Leo saying Vi is good with people. And Casey earlier saying that Donnie is NOT good with people. And just. Chapter 20, with her blaming herself for not seeing what was going on. For thinking she's so stupid and everything is on her. Chapter 21, with the (Did you try?). I'm so so angry. I'm sick with it.

Vi is so smart. Putting things together and making connections and realizing things that others might miss - even Leo acknowledges it. So having the chapter 20 realization... more and more I'm convinced that, yeah sure Vi is an unreliable narrator, but I REALLY feel like Donnie is just a fucking idiot (I mean that so affectionately, I promise).

"I’d… like to have more nights like this one. To. To have a family. If I can.” “You can,” he says, reaching out a hand and laying it over yours...

Then Leo talking about how you're like Donnie, implying how it'd be fun to watch Vi and Donnie get closer... does Leo feel guilty over this now? Now that Vi is so fucking... Hurt? Does he partly blame himself for the pain she's experiencing now?

you do feel a small twinge of sympathy for how easily he dismisses his troubles

OH OTHERS DISMISSING THEIR TROUBLES???? HM. HM.

Finally, sure you’re alone and no one’s here to ever know, you let yourself cry.

Seriously, I am on the Violist defense squad for life. I would die for her. God.

---

Chapter 4

Normally you’d ignore it [her phone going off], since it’d be something innocuous like a bank notification, or maybe something as spicy as a wrong number. But you have, like, friends now. 

:( just. Reiterating how goddamn lonely she is. My eyes are actually watering over this. WE'RE NOT EVEN TO THE BIG STUFF YET AND I'M SO FUCKING SAD.

having to do a double-take when you see yourself looking positively ghoulish

Does she ever describe herself as looking good?? I'm thinking back to the aquarium, surely she thought she looked nice for that, at least, but aside from then I can't remember??? Has Donnie even once called her beautiful or pretty or even nice looking? I can't REMEMBER and I'm having FEELINGS about it.

Agreeing to make Casey some bread immediately upon being asked, even though she'd have to go to the store to get everything she needs. I get the feeling she is like 'if I make myself useful, if I pair my presence with things they like, maybe they'll keep me around' and I don't know how unconscious that whole thought process is for her but I'm seeing it a lot.

Now that you’re keeping your window locked pathologically, the old game of sneaking in via the fire escape is off the table.

Wait... did I miss something about the window staying locked? Hang on what the fuck. Is this a throwaway line or does this mean something? HANG ON I'M PANICKING NOW WHY WAS THIS ONCE A THING BUT NOW IT'S NOT????

the more you forget to eat during the season

Do not like this. That it's just normal for her to forget to eat so often during the season. This is probably just me looking into it too deeply, I know people do this all the time, but I Do Not like it and I need someone to take care of her so badly. Like Leo has been doing lately, tbh. She deserves the world. (Am I... falling in love with the fucking insert character? I might be. Dammit.)

(Mikey appears!!! I LOVE HIM SO MUCHHHH)

Donnie to Vi at the store: “You look a lot less like you got hit by a garbage truck."

BOY IF YOU DON'T- HHHHHHHH I'M FINE.

“I’d been under the impression that you had your feelings hurt by what I’d said,” he says, raising his fingers and curling them into quotes around the word. ... "...apologies are dumb.”

Clenching. My. Jaw. I love him, I find him so charming and funny, but knowing about chapter 20 just has me so full of rage that these little comments are killing me now.

Aaaand Vi agreeing to make Leo cookies now. Once again. Doing things for others. Almost constantly, honestly.

it’s more a stress thing than a hobby [Vi talking about baking]

Hm. Her stress response is to be busy/useful to others. Hmmmmm.

While making bread for Casey, she made a whole other loaf of bread just for Leo. And then when Casey slips up about saying he'd never touched an oven before - you shrug one shoulder to show you’re chill with the secret. “…It’s, uh. Not impossible to believe, I guess?” you say, hoping to comfort. - she is always so focused on making others feel better. Constantly. Repeat after me: trauma.

"You’ve proved yourself to be a capable consultant."

Pursing my lips at this comment from Donnie.

You’re almost certainly projecting, but you tuck away the feeling nonetheless.

Pursing. My. Lips.

Vi: “…Sorry, I’m, uh. Kind of new to the friend thing. I’m still learning.”

Donnie: “Well, that won’t be a problem you’ll have for long. Practice makes perfect, and as a perfectionist myself, I’ll ensure your training will be thorough.”

This just. I. I know I've got a lot to reread before we get to the "relationship" but like??? I can't remember, but is he still under the impression that he's training her in friendship while he's fucking her? Yes, it's an experiment, but?????? Even then?????? I'M?????? I cannot fathom- I just don't- UGH THIS STUPID FUCKER

---

Chapter 5

God. The insights into Donnie's issues. Hits me just as hard the second time around. It... does soften my anger with him a little. To remind myself how intense his touch aversion was/is.

My heart still aches for Vi, obviously, but my heart aches for Donnie, too. He's doing the best he can with what he's got - like most people. I love him to death and I want him to be happy, too. He's not the villain. He can be a jerk, yeah, but the bombshell in chapter 20 to me really is just a misunderstanding. He's not being cruel. He just doesn't understand. (UNLESS I'M WRONG. IN WHICH CASE. DEATH.) But genuinely... it's just a tragic situation right now. Anyway, back to chapter five.

“…Can you check up on him for me?” you ask Leo, bringing your hands to your chest and curling them together in a self-soothing gesture. “I’m worried I might have upset him, somehow. He was okay until I asked him about it.”

Sorry I'm back on my "Vi deserves the world, she cares so much about others, always thinks of others and tends to blame herself for things too often, I'm going to lose my mind" bullshit.

"…He seems lonely.”

YOU SEEM LONELY. VI. I AM HUGGING YOU SO HARD RN.

---

Chapter 6

You, for one, are still feeling a little awkward from whatever hot mess had happened over dinner last night and hadn’t felt comfortable being the first one to reach out despite Leo’s wordless promise that things were fine.

Donnie, it seems, does not share the same issue, or at least has overcome it. …Then again, it’s completely possible that you’re overthinking all of this, you suppose, texting him back as if nothing had happened.

I can only wonder about the difference we'll see between this and what happens when Vi and Donnie talk now (after the incident in Chapter 20). I'm HOPING there is open and honest communication... but we'll see.

You’re not exactly sure what’s going on between your ears, but it’s starting to leak out and project your thoughts onto others, making you see things.

:( so mad at myself. So goddamn mad I never saw the unreliable narrator thing coming. She WASN'T just seeing things here, but still. Little hints here and there like this are slapping me in the face now.

"I don’t want you to hurt your hand.”

Your chest squeezes a bit at his care

The bar is on the floor honestly. She needs someone to care about her enough that something like that doesn't give her that kind of reaction.

(Even with my anger and sorrow for Vi, Donnie still has me falling for him as I reread this. God.)

[April talking] “…I knew you were a good one,” she says, causing you to scoff and turn your face when you feel it warm. “Nuh uh, you’re gonna take the compliment this time, girlie.” Yes April!! My girl!!! She really is so amazing.

“Wow! I see no one but Donnie loves me,” you gripe

Hey what's up I'm crying

Vi making a mental note to make everyone a batch of cookies... I won't repeat myself. Okay, fine, I will - if I can manage to stay useful, if I can pair myself with things they like, maybe they'll keep me around.

(On a side note........ Mikey refers to Leo's thirst traps on his So-Shell account...... I would like to see them)

“Any idea why Donnie’s looking at you like you’re the first slice of pepperoni pizza from a particularly yummy-smelling box?”

Leo once again teasing you about Donnie...

[Vi Talking] "This is so nice. I like hanging out here.”

WHY CAN'T I HUG HER. WHY. LET ME HUG HER.

Jeez rereading this reminds me just how much Leo was sort of playing matchmaker between Vi and Donnie. He HAS to feel guilty now. Mad at Donnie, yeah, but also so guilty over all the things he did to push and encourage and tease.

You’ve been hugged more in the last few days than you probably have your entire life, and it feels so, so good, like you’re loved and you belong and they’re telling you that with their bodies as much as their words.

ONCE AGAIN. MAY I PLEASE HUG HER. That section is about how Donnie hasn't had that in a really long time, and that is heartbreaking, but I'm still really focused on Vi. Please let me hug her. Please.

---

Chapter 7

It’s tempting to think about the small things he’s done that could be him reciprocating your feelings; how he lets you into his lab, how his eyes consume you, how he lets you touch him, seems to crave it even.

[Through tears] yeah. Easy.

he’s an attractive genius ninja who could have anyone he wanted. And you’re just… you.

JUST YOU??? YOU ARE AMAZING. YOU DESERVE EVERYTHING. I WILL KILL FOR YOU, VI. FUCK.

Vi is so fucking funny. And smart. Well, of course, she's a perfect match for Donnie, and I love Donnie, so it makes sense, but still. I hate that she thinks so lowly of herself.

“Challenge? Absolutely not. I’m not even remotely dressed for that,” you deny, hesitating when Leo rolls his eyes. “…But I guess I can do one song.”

She sees Leo roll his eyes and relents. ONCE AGAIN I may be reading too into things, but I'm getting this... feeling about that. Idk. She WILL chew you out if you're an asshole. She WILL bicker and banter and razz. She isn't a pushover or anything at ALL, but... idk what I'm trying to say. This is making me think that, at least with people she really wants to like her, any sign of them being annoyed or upset by her has her internally scrambling to fix it. I'm probably just protecting here but. Idk.

Leo winking when you go off with Donnie. :(

“I don’t… like it when people touch me,” ... “—but it feels different when it’s you,” he says, and this time when his gaze meets yours, your breath latches in your throat like a lock and his eyes are clouded with a hesitant clarity, like he knows exactly what he’s saying but he doesn’t understand why he’s saying it.

Come on. Come ON. He doesn't understand. This HAS to mirror him not understanding the nature of their relationship later on, right??

It’s possible, you suppose, that you’re misunderstanding what he’s implying—again projecting what you want to hear on his words.

Flinging myself. Into. The sun.

[Donnie's] tone tucking into a more clinical tone like a safety blanket

Just like how viewing the relationship from a strictly clinical, experimental point of view protects him. Am I reading into this right? This is still early, before Vi sees them as having gotten together, but it mirrors what happens later, right? It's a defense thing for him, to see their activities as strictly an experiment and to not let himself look any closer whether he realizes it or not?

(GOD. JUST GOTTA TAKE A BREATHER HERE. THE TOUCH STUFF. I'M WEAK. STILL. I'M WEAK. I CANNOT COMMENT FURTHER ON IT BECAUSE I JUST. GOD.)

“What? I can’t compliment my bestie and her fine legs?” Leo coos, reaching over and flicking your nose gently.

“Leonardo,” Donnie warns, folding his arms.

I'm sorry. What other way is there to read this aside from Donnie already feeling a little possessive over Vi? Also I'm glad Leo is giving her compliments pretty often. SOMEONE needs to.

So many little things that indicate Donnie likes her, really truly likes her... HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY BLAME VI WITH ALL THIS BUILDUP AND EVIDENCE. I'M FUCKING. UGHHHH

---

Chapter 8

Having such amazing friends wants you to reach out and have a little piece of that, maybe learn how to be a little amazing yourself, too.

You ARE amazing. I'm crying in the fucking club over Vi. What the FUCK.

God. The anti-mutant guy in the coffee shop. Once again she so easily sticks up for others without a single thought to her own wellbeing. Also, the random guy that stepped in and started beating that fucker... again, I'm not letting anything go. I wonder if he's actually just a random guy or if he's important/will come back into play. Also, Vi getting hurt and thinking "it better not stop me from practicing" like??? I SWEAR. (Workaholic. Must be useful. Must keep going so I don't have time to wallow in loneliness. etc.)

Just noticing, again, how Vi tries so hard to respect boundaries. Not asking April about Casey's past while she talks with April in the coffee shop, even after April lets a little comment slip. She tries to respect boundaries so hard and takes on so much emotional labor. That's not nothing.

Donnie tells her to send another pic of herself in the bath. Says he noticed she wasn't wearing her perfume recently. I'm sorry. WHAT is platonic about that. Literally I do not fucking understand. God. Just fucking shoot me.

Irritable, you at least make yourself useful and clean your apartment

The way she phrases that. Make yourself useful. I'm. SIGH. I need to hug her. It's not a want, at this point, it's a need.

you watch as his brows furrow again, his lips pursing. “…I don’t like this.”

“The bruise? Me neither. It fucking hurts.”

“Someone else’s handprint on you,” he specifies.

Come ON. And then saying he enjoys touching her. COME ON. How is he not in love with her? He's GOTTA be.

She calls him beautiful. He. He doesn't say it back. This kills the man (the man is me). He does say he's enjoying holding her hand, but that's tied back to the experiment. I'm so sad.

When Leo accidentally hurts Vi by pressing the bruise and she is like "it's fine I'm fine" AND moves away so Donnie doesn't touch her because she's hyper aware that Donnie doesn't want Leo to know about the touch thing?? CONSTANTLY. THINKING. OF OTHERS.

“…You don’t even get how incredible you are, do you?” he asks, causing you to roll your eyes. “You seriously don’t see it.”

YES LEO. YES. TELL HER. I'M SO!!!!! UGH.

---

Chapter 9

Wearing a line into your rug, you shake your hands as you fret, brain racing a million miles an hour while your muscles buzz with the need to be productive.

I know I'm repeating myself, but I'm so sad for her. This is one of the million little things that makes me worry so much over Vi. The need to be productive, the anxiety over it even when she has a legitimate reason to take it easy.

[Leo] His frown deepens, eyes going a little dark with anger. It reminds you, a bit, of the energy you’d felt before he’d known you; when a simple stare had all the hairs on your body standing on end, paralyzed, a rabbit before a stalking wolf.

Sorry, wolf Leo? Sorry, villain au? Hhhhhhhhhhhhhh OK ok sorry I'm back to normal Sorry

You swallow at the sight of it, and, needing to soothe, change the subject before he can really engage with it

Needing to soothe. God. GOD. Seriously, I cannot stop thinking about how this might be a result of trauma just because I see it so often with Vi. Like she's... taking responsibility for other people's potential negative emotions/reactions when it's people she's close to. Feeling the need to do anything she can to prevent a blowup or whatever. I'm unwell.

Leo may be better at reading people than you, but you’re still really good.

This kills me. I'm TELLING you, man, Donnie is in love with her and she thought it was a relationship because it SHOULD be, it WOULD be if Donnie wasn't oblivious to his own feelings (or maybe he has different views on what a relationship is? Maybe there are unspoken laws in his head about what constitutes this sort of relationship vs that sort of relationship? Idk I'm honestly sort of an idiot so I'll just have to wait and see what Sam reveals about all this, but I can't help reeling all over again when lines like this pop up).

[Helping Leo relax and sleep] It’s not practicing, but it is something productive you can do, in a way. The need to be useful. Again. I'm crying.

“Want some water? I’ll grab us something.” ... “Sure,” you tell him, knowing he needs to take care, to provide in order to feel in control,

Even letting someone else do something for her is framed as her trying to be useful. I'm FUCKING crying.

So you sit, quiet, letting him use you,

That wording. Letting him use you. God. GOD. I'm not joking when I tell you my heart fucking aches for Vi. This isn't anything bad - she's just helping Leo get some sleep - but the phrasing of letting him use her. I'm so deeply unwell.

[Leo says] “You n’ Donnie really are perfect for each other.”

Yeah. Fuck.

“You work too much, you know that?"

YOU'RE RIGHT, LEO. YOU'RE SO FUCKING RIGHT.

...peering into the plastic bag to find a sweet spread of sushi. Wow, Leo really felt bad about the drool thing, you muse.

Alternatively, he appreciates the fuck out of you. Hang on I'm gonna look Too Hard at this real quick. The idea that Vi naturally defaults to Leo getting her nice sushi because he feels guilty rather than thankful. The idea that she isn't doing anything worthy of appreciation or praise, but rather that he mostly just feels obligated to make up for drooling on her. I need to hug her please. I'm actually begging at this point.

[Thinking about Donnie] It’s ridiculous how he can be so smart and so stupid at the same time

YEAH. YEAH. YEAH. FUCK.

“It’s just so funny to think of him apparently hating classical music now, because before, he always used to listen to—” Casey starts lightheartedly, though his jaw snaps shut and his face goes very, very still. Terrorized eyes snap wide on your face like he’s seeing you for the first time, like you’re a myth come to life. ... “…Oh, no,” he warbles, his lips quivering as he looks at you like he’s seen a ghost. Then, with a jolt, he shakes his head, clutching at the back of his nape hard and looking off to the side, a tormented fake smile on his face that looks sharp as a knife and like it’s cutting him just as much to hold it. “I-It’s nothing, just… Just thought about something I’d heard when I was a kid, once. I just… suddenly realized something, is all.” ... He looks like he has War and Peace on the tip of his tongue as he nearly consumes your face, memorizing it even,

OH MY GOD. OUCH. HAHA. HA. YEAH. OKAY. YEAH.

It makes you clutch your biceps, nails digging into your flesh, muscles pulling tight as you fret, fret, fret.

There it is again, the nails digging into skin. A little thing, but it has the potential to be dangerous, or even to hint at something dangerous being a possibility in the future. (Me projecting, projecting, projecting, always.)

God. I'm falling in love with Donnie once again. When will I be stopped.

“You—I’m so mad at you for doing this when I told you not to, but also this is the most amazing thing anyone’s ever done for me, and I want to thank you but I don’t have any cookies on me at the moment.”

Hey look I'm gonna Read Way Too Into Things again. She says this as if her words mean nothing. As if saying thank you and verbally expressing her gratitude is not enough, so she has to do something (be useful be useful be useful) to really be expressing her gratitude. (I get that sometimes words don't feel like enough, especially when we're so overcome with gratitude and we want the other person to REALLY get how thankful we are, I promise I get that, but it's just all these little tiny constant bits that have me seeing innocuous things like this as so much more. I'm sorry, again, I'm probably projecting.)

Also, just saying this so I have it on record, but Donnie has very firmly confirmed that he has befriended her, here. Just saying. For my sanity.

(The touch stuff. I'm on fire. I am burning as I type. God.)

[Raph] “Don’t mention it. Worrying is what I do."

That comment makes me so sad. Everything makes me sad. I'm a sad sack over every single person in this goddamn fic.

(Third Law. I'm soft.)

Leo calling Vi a "lovely lady" - once again, thank God someone is complimenting her.

Leo giving Donnie a flat look... I need to know what is going on in his mind like I need air.

LEO ASKING IF EVERYTHING IS OKAY AND CALLING HER HERMOSA AND BEAUTIFUL. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH.

---

Chapter 10

Mikey is so!!! I love him I love him I love him I-

(Mikey calls her cute in the group chat 💕 sweetest boy)

Vi making more cookies for the boys. Again. (Useful useful useful)

Huffing out in relief, you smile and nod, showing him the ulnar flossing exercises

Vi feeling relief that Mikey asks to see the wrist stretches... relief that she is being useful. Relief that she can help. Sigh.

When Donnie is laying on the cot, he asks Vi to stay and: the angle he’s using to tug on you is encouraging you to lie down instead. You hesitate, swallowing thickly, causing him to huff out an annoyed sigh, his eyes falling shut into a frown.

“If you’d rather go find Leo—”

“What? No,” you say, baffled he’d even think that. You try to remember the words he’d used yesterday, when you’d asked for a hug, ready to use them against him. “It’s just that this is a… a rather large escalation of contact.”

“Oh,” Donnie says, his frown smoothing out a bit. “Not really? It’s essentially the same thing?”

“…But in bed?” you clarify, wondering if maybe there’s some kind of turtle-brained thing that makes horizontal touches no different, or if you’re just overreacting.

HANG ON. THIS HITS DIFFERENT NOW.

he starts the music and then tucks back into you like that’s just what the two of you do.

...Donnie doesn't have a lot of friends, either. Do you think he really doesn't see the stuff that's happening as romantic? Does he think, even once the sex starts, that it's not unusual for friends to engage in that sort of thing as long as they agree to it beforehand? Or is he so deluded into thinking she wouldn't want him romantically that HE'S thinking she sees the experiment as the only reason to do that stuff with him, so there's no way they could really be together in a romantic relationship? (I'm trying so hard to understand and give him credit here. I'm gonna have to reread chapter 20 again for what he says exactly because I feel so stupid.)

Eager to stop what looks like an imminent meltdown from Mikey, you step forward first and start piling food onto your plate. “It looks great, Mike,” you tell him, both out of honestly and also to get him to look at you and smile instead of glaring at his brothers.

Once again Vi is taking responsibility for preventing conflict/negative emotions between people she cares about.

You’re glad your back is turned on the way to the table when he says that, as none of the turtles see the way your face crumples just a little at the wave of emotion that grips you when he calls you family.

(Lonely lonely lonely) let me hug her!!!!

Leo calls her a pretty girl when he's on the phone with Donnie in her apartment. Once again, I love him SO MUCH for being loose with his compliments, because Vi deserves people who will make her feel good about herself, but also he's clearly riling Donnie up with comments like that - what way is there to read it other than Donnie liking Vi romantically and feeling possessive over her? Everything points to Donnie either just being dense about his own feelings or not fully understanding what a relationship IS if he really doesn't see them as in a relationship by chapter 20. Unless I'm so incredibly missing the point, which is always possible because I am, in fact, an oblivious idiot most of the time.

---

Chapter 11

("lbjean_87’s Insta profile" is a reference, I'm sure, but idk what exactly other than the "87" for the 87 tmnt cartoon)

The whole interaction with Barry where he says Vi is having a positive impact on the boys... and she's uncomfortable with the implication that she's doing something special, struggling with someone pointing it out, struggling to accept that she is a special person who positively impacts others...

Barry hums thoughtfully. “I see. It is not that you are self-depreciating. You are, in fact, just an idiot.”

Hm. Just pointing this out because I forgot about it. It's so ingrained for her to diminish what she does for others, and he sees that I think... but also. This line from Barry being in THIS chapter, where the whole misunderstanding STARTS.

“Why are you sorry?”

You exhale a sharp breath, running a frustrated hand through your hair. “I’m sorry he found out? That I didn’t keep our promise not to let anyone know? That he tried to hug you and you freaked out? That I haven’t been helping you with your touch thing as much as I’d hoped I was? I mean, fuck, pick one, dude.”

Again, she takes on so much responsibility and guilt. I'm SO interested in learning more about her relationship with Alopex (and any other trauma that may have contributed to all of these things I'm noticing that she does).

Okay nobody panic but I'm finally to The Point where they establish some things and set up for the bombshell.

“…Intimate touches,” you repeat, turning back to look at him once you’ve pulled yourself away from the brink of flying right out of your own skin. “Like… what, petting? Kissing? Sex? What are we talking about, exactly?”

“All of it, ideally,” he says. “I’m quite curious to study how I’ll react, especially considering the whole touch aversion situation.”

Curious how he'd react... oh my god. He doesn't say anything about a relationship at all. This is killing me. It's all focused on the experiment. I'm a fucking fool.

“…Do… Do you wanna try it?” you ask, a tiny glittering light threatening to bloom like a sun in your chest. “…Us, together, I mean?”

Okay yeah. "Us together" could just be read as "us doing those things together" rather than "us being together in a romantic relationship." Goddddd.

Giddy excitement spreads over his face unlike what you’ve seen before. “Really? With… With me?” he asks, and god, the sight of him so openly happy makes you fucking ascend.

So the first time, I read that as 'you're really open to dating me (and all the things that come with that)?' But now it's ONLY 'you're willing to do sex stuff with me/to help more with my touch thing and sate my curiosity?' SAD. DEVASTATED. EMOTIONALLY DESTROYED.

“Of course, I—” ... “Donnie, I… of course. I’d be stupid to say no, right?”

“Oh, that’s such a relief,” he says, closing his eyes and sighing into your palm. “I’ve been making spreadsheets of things I’ve wanted to try for several days and wondering how best to bring it up, especially considering—well. It’s quite helpful that you did so yourself. Excellent work, consultant.”

Fuck. FUCK. Consultant, he calls her. It really is still an experiment to him at this point. And the first time I thought it was just a cute tease, a bit of funny flirting, but it WASN'T. FUCK. Sam is a genius. I hate myself. He's focused on the spreadsheets and things he's been wanting to try for his touch aversion. He's giddy because of that, not because he's getting into an official relationship with her. (I still think he's in love with her and maybe just doesn't realize it fully, but holy God his words are actually focused on the experiment here.) What would he have said after "especially considering" if he hadn't cut himself off??? FUCK.

[Vi talking] "We’re partners, now, so we have to take care of each other."

Partners. Still worded to fit with the experiment mindset, so of course that wouldn't tip off Donnie. Fuck.

[Donnie talking] “I’d… like to keep this between the two of us as well, for now. To the confines of the lab. While we establish the parameters.” ... “I have no interest in keeping anything a secret. I only want to improve the quality of our partnership's results before sharing, nothing more."

Again, it's not named as a romantic relationship. He just calls it 'this' and a 'partnership' when he talks about their arrangement. (The clinical talk... 'improve quality of results before sharing.' Fuck. FUCK.)

Rereading the sexy stuff is fucking PAINFUL now. Oh my god.

“Don’t move,” he growls, making you freeze in place even as his brows furrow hard and his grip loosens almost immediately. “I—Sorry. Sorry, I—I don’t know where that came from.”

Stuff like this has me wondering again if he really doesn't understand what he's feeling with Vi. And that lack of understanding is reinforcing his focus on it being an Experiment, because he wants to understand how he's responding and why, to understand what he's feeling, and to do that he needs to gather and study data.

Donnie goes stiff when April calls and asks if Vi is with Leo. That's not the first time Donnie does something that indicates jealousy or possessiveness over Vi, but what if it's something else? It's only with Leo that I can remember, but I thought that was because Leo is the only one constantly hanging out with/touching/complimenting Vi, but what if it's something else regarding Leo? I really do not know what else it could be, but... I'm trying not to assume things anymore that aren't confirmed through dialog.

you sigh, turning your face into the pillow and inhaling deeply. It smells like Donnie, making your toes curl in delight. Pulling away, you look over to see him sitting on the edge of the bed, studying you. “…What are you doing?”

Yeah if they're not in a relationship it makes sense for him to react like that. (I'm so goddamn sad)

“You… promise you’ll tell me if you change your mind about this, right?”

“About… us?” you ask, and when he nods, you sit up, pressing your forehead to his. “Donnie, I—”

“—Promise?” he interrupts, making your mouth close.

“…Promise,” you tell him. And, since it’s clearly so important to him, “You promise? You’ll tell me?”

“I won’t change my mind,” he assures, making you shake your head. He sighs. “Yes. I promise.”

Hits different. God. I need to be in this fucker's head. I need his exact reasoning for thinking he won't change his mind. Is it curiosity regarding the outcome? Is it because he really likes her (and recognizes that)? I don't know!!

D - Just informing you that the nap did indeed take place.

V - i’m so glad!! thanks for letting me know

D - It would be a poor business exchange if I didn’t.

BUSINESS EXCHANGE. FUCK. I'M GOING TO WALK INTO TRAFFIC.

---

[Through tears] Chapter 12

Vi is so happy. So happy that she's helping Donnie with touch, Leo with sleep, Mikey with his hands (useful, useful, useful). So happy to be in a "relationship" with Donnie. She is so happy, and I am so, so sad.

Sinclair (I think it's Sinclair, Vi doesn't know/remember her name yet and I'm just a terrible with my memory) refers to a Ren. Renet, maybe?? 👀

You leave a little bit earlier than you usually do since you’re meeting Leo for lunch

YES there's a little bit of that positive influence on Vi bc of the boys! Leave practice early baby!!

Drinking with your neighbors, a boyfriend, lunch with your best friend… It feels like you’re cheating, a little. Like you’ve gotten something you don’t completely deserve.

[Clutching heart] that's a one-two punch. Vi calling Donnie her boyfriend in her head, and then Vi feeling like she didn't EARN the happiness she's feeling. OUCH.

Oh FUCK. The whole interaction with Leo in the kitchen. So many things. Leo's reaction to you confirming that you touch Donnie and that Donnie touches you. Vi doing that thing again where she digs her nails into her skin. Comparing Leo to a wolf and Vi to a rabbit (stop it blurple villain au, STOP IT, I'm trying to focus). I'm not gonna copy paste the entire section, but Leo's reaction is SO.... hang on

“Him wanting to put his hands all over you? Wanting to touch you? Mark you up? How far have you two gone, huh? Should I just pick a place on you and see if he’s touched that, too? Or is that another thing I’m not allowed to know?” ... “Why are you the one he—” Leo snarls

Is he really just that angry and bitter because Donnie hasn't let his family touch him in so long? Because Donnie hasn't let LEO touch him in so long? Because, relatively quickly, Vi has managed to push past that barrier when Leo couldn't? Or is he mad because it's intimate touches, specifically? Why exactly? Because Leo likes Vi? I don't think that's it, but again I'm trying not to assume or overlook things. Leo was playing matchmaker with them so hard toward the beginning, and now he reacts like this? What did he think was going to happen? Do you remember him asking Vi if she was single and saying she and Donnie were perfect for each other? Because I do. Did he want them together but assumed they wouldn't be touching no matter what since that's been Donnie's default mode for so long? I'm so dense I do not understand. LET ME IN YOUR HEAD. LEOOOOOOO.

Your back hits the wall behind you hard as you flinch away instinctively. ... Your arms have covered your face, your whole body quaking as you fight to make yourself as small as possible. ... when you don’t move, when you can’t speak ... taking in your terrified posture ... You close your eyes, feeling the tears continue to stream down your cheeks. Clenching your teeth, swallowing the adrenaline rushing in your veins screaming for you to stay still and not move ... He’s safe! you scream to yourself, trying to remember that it’s gospel. He’s safe! He’s safe! He’s safe! ... Sobs tear out of your lungs in massive heaving rolls that leave you shaking against him.

Is Vi's visceral reaction of fear ONLY due to Leo being Just That Scary? Or has she experienced physical violence from someone close to her before? She can stand her ground against asshole strangers that actually try to hurt her (for example, the guy from the coffee shop and guy in the park - or wherever it was, I don't remember and I'm not there yet, but it was when she fell in the water sticking up for Raph), chase after mutant silverfish with a music stand, react quickly to protect the kids when shots are fired, run to Dakota after the bomb goes off, etc. etc. And those were Real Dangerous Situations, too. The difference here is it's Leo. Her best friend. Someone she's close to, someone she trusts. When it's a person like that, she freezes in fucking terror... and remember the other times she's tried to step in when someone close to her starts getting angry? To soothe, to deescalate...

He’s safe. He’s your best friend. He’s family. He’s Leo, and the fact that even a tiny piece of you was afraid of him—it horrifies you. ... “I-I’m sorry, too. I-I didn’t mean to—I don’t know why I—I know you’d n-never—” “Instinct,” he cuts off clinically. Hollowly. “You were scared. I scared you.”

I think I'm looking too hard at this maybe. She's horrified that she was scared, and she says "I don't know why" she reacted like that, and if she'd experienced violence with someone close to her in the past surely she would've thought something about it, connected those dots in her mind at that point? I don't know. I suppose we'll have to wait and see what Sam reveals, if anything. Like I said, maybe I'm reading too much into this.

“…Donnie and I are dating,” you tell Leo, feeling him go rigid against you when you tell the secret that feels so stupid to keep if it means losing him. “I… I asked him out yesterday, and he said yes. But he wants to keep it quiet for a while, while we figure everything out, so…”

Pain. Pain and agony and suffering. She says this to Leo in no uncertain terms about what she means, whereas with Donnie it could have been taken a different way and apparently WAS. Fuck.

“He… he talked about missing hugs?” Leo echoes, sounding a little broken.

This Whole Thing hurts just as much the second time around. Ouch. Owie.

"I have no idea what’s safe to talk about with you people, so I just assume everything’s off limits until I hear otherwise!”

Again, she's so careful to respect boundaries.

[Leo] He tilts his head when you come inside, grinning at you and patting the ground between his legs as he spreads them and wiggles his feet like he thinks he’s adorable.

BECAUSE HE IS ADORABLE. DAMMIT. THIS IS A DONNIE FIC. I AM A DONNIE GIRL. STOP MAKING ME FALL IN LOVE WITH LEO AS WELL. (/pos of course, ALL of this is positive, I promise)

“Don’t be mean to me, I’m just a little meow meow.”

FUUUUUCK I LOVE LEO SO MUCH STOPPPPPPPPPPPP

“…Don’t tell him,” Leo pleads quietly, making you pause where you were reaching out to grab your laptop. “Tell who what?” “Donnie. That I know. …Don’t tell him.”

Do you think Leo remembers saying this and feels guilty now? Do you think he wonders if you had been given the green light to tell Donnie that Leo knows you two are "dating" that maybe the whole miscommunication thing wouldn't have spiraled and gone on as long?

“Just kidding. You’re so gullible,” [Donnie says]

Just. Just putting this here. For the record. For future reference.

“…Does Leo do this to you?” he whispers, entranced. “…Does he make you have goosebumps, too?” His thumb finds the edge of your nipple through your bra and shirt,

God. Hits different. He's actually fucking yearning here isn't he. Yearning for her and not even realizing he has her?? Again, does he think this is something friends just do? Was he wondering if Leo touches you intimately, as well??

(The kissing is so fucking hot. A wordsmith as always, Jesus CHRIST, Sam. But also reading it with the constant voice in the back of my head saying "he doesn't see them as dating" over and over and over IS SO. I don't have a word for it but it's killing me.)

[Donnie, after you stop kissing] “Sorry. I suppose I did, uh. Get a little over-eager there.”

the silent promise you made to one turtle versus the explicit one you made to another and how they stand at odds with the other.

^So many lines now are hitting me differently. God.

[Donnie talking about Leo sleeping on Vi and therefore making her smell like Leo] “I really don’t—I’m starting think he does it on purpose to irritate me, specifically.”

So if Donnie doesn't see them as together, doesn't see Vi as his... what does he mean here? Does he recognize that he feels possessive but doesn't fully understand why? Or does he really just not like the way Leo smells???

Donnie talking about how he smells that she's aroused, admitting that he is aroused... taking about it so matter-of-factly. He's separating romantic and sexual feelings so completely in a way that Vi doesn't, in a way that the reader wouldn't. (Is that the whole point that I'm missing here? That he DOES separate sexual and romantic relationships so CLEARLY in his mind? And that's why he can yearn for her, think he doesn't have her even while they're fucking and spending so much time together and doing things that couples DO?)

Donnie referring to the Third Law as the reason that he gets to learn how to make her feel good... almost like that's his sole reason or like that's his excuse for doing so...

“…I’m not particularly interested in my brothers smelling you like this,” he mutters

Because it would cause a stir? Because he wants the experiment to continue without outside influence? Because he simply doesn't want them to know his business? Because he knows she would be embarrassed? LET ME IN YOUR HEAD. YOU AND LEO BOTH ARE KILLING ME.

---

Chapter 13

Goddammit I lost my notes for this chapter and had to try and remember what I had already written TWICE because I'm a mobile user who is also an idiot. Anyway.

The beginning of my notes for this chapter was mostly me gushing about how much it made me smile. It's the one where Vi gets sick and goes to the store to get cat food for the neighbor. (Basically - I love Vi, I love the boys, I love the group chat.)

When the neighbor gets mutated, Vi pushes Leo out of the way so that she is the one pounced on instead of Leo. There was no real danger, but she didn't know that when she reacted. It kills me that in her delirious, can barely think straight, actually thinks she's hallucinating state, her instinct is to take the hit for Leo. (Better me than you, you're more important, I can be useful, I'm useful, useful, use me use me use me FUCK)

So many lines hit different with Donnie... she's sick and going to sleep in his room, and them interacting alone here (with my knowledge of chapter 20) makes my chest ache.

She says she missed him -> For some reason, he laughs a little at that. “Is that so? What prompted the thought?”

Her shirt is all sweaty and he tells her to just take it off, but then -> “I’m curious to see if my body temperature will help with your fever.”

They're in his bed, lying together, and she kisses him -> “D-Don’t do that here,” he stutters, sounding a little like it’s a significant effort to tell you. “I don’t want to start something we aren’t—aren’t planning on—”

A little later -> “…I want to…” he trails off in a breathless tone, pressing into your throat a little harder than usual. ... “Wanna what?” you ask, prompting him to shake his head. “It’s nothing. Get some rest. I’ll be here until you fall asleep.”

I'm in so much fucking pain.

Vi goes to the library for books on PTSD to help the fam. She spends time reading and taking notes and just. God. She's such a good friend. (Use me. I need to earn this love. I need to be good and useful.)

Leo has his insomnia. (He has something else, you know, you just know, but until he decides to do his little secret-spilling venture he told you you were due, you’re in the dark on that.)

Is this something we might find out about during their talk on Saturday??? I hope so.

You don’t know anything about Raph, you mourn, underlining his name twice on your notepad in a bit of self-loathing. So much for him being family, you think sourly.

It's hardly her fault, but again she's putting it on herself.

At the end of the chapter, she wakes up to realize that Leo saw the evidence of her reading those books and taking notes and working to make herself more helpful (USEFUL) in her free time. He knows how hard she's trying to help. So you think he feels guilty over that, too, now? Again, all she does is give give give, and even when she does allow herself to take she feels that need to earn it, that need to be worthy of it.

---

Chapter 14

DAKOTA APPEARS. LIGHT OF MY LIFE. DARLING GIRL YOU DESERVE THE WORLD I LOVE YOU.

Yeah there it is! The confrontation with the guy in the park. Raph is so right to be worried because she IS going to get hurt if she keeps this up.

[Raph talking] "you can’t be stupid like that,” he says, making you flinch. 

Time for me to Read Too Much Into Things again. I've noticed, even before chapter 20 when it gets really really bad, she often refers to herself as stupid or uses stupid as an adjective when describing what she's doing. Her flinching when Raph uses that word specifically has me wondering if that word was used against her a lot in the past (by Alopex maybe?) or if she's always had A Thing about thinking she's stupid.

Raph gives you a small crooked smile. “Well, it sure made him mad thinkin’ you was my girl. So maybe you should just start datin’ a mutant real open-like.” 

You give a wet laugh, rubbing at your eyes hard. If only he knew. “Yeah. That… That sounds like something I’d like.” 

Hey what's up I'm CRYING

(Also, once again, every time Vi refers to Donnie as her boyfriend in her head, I suffer)

[Leo talking about Vi having no self-preservation instincts] “Oh yeah? Looks to me like you wouldn’t know fear if it—” he starts, only for his jaw to clamp shut and a stricken look to cross his face.

I know this is him remembering when he scared Vi in her kitchen, but JUST IN CASE their talk on Saturday reveals anything I'm keeping this here for my own future reference.

Not helping the desire is that he’s wearing those fucking sweatpants again. If he were any kind of perceptive, you’d wonder if he didn’t know exactly what he was doing when he put those things on his ass

First of all, SWEATPANTELLO SJSJZBAKXH. Second of all, "if he were any kind of perceptive" has me eating through the drywall.

Oh my god. When Donnie brings up what happened in the park, he just says he made her a new phone and then "There was mud all over the processing board, which, speaking of, I hope you weren’t injured?” I'm getting a little bit of whiplash here. He was so angry over the bruise she got, but with this his reaction is less intense. And I'm remembering after one of the attacks with Dakota that his reaction wasn't as intense as I expected, either. But then with the guy on their aquarium "date" the reaction was WAY more intense. Hm. I almost need to look at those instances side by side once more after I catch up to 20 on this reread.

Also idk why this popped into my head just now, but I'm wondering if something happened between Leo and Donnie in the past. Something more than just the fact that Donnie doesn't let Leo (or the rest of the fam) touch him. There are so many times where Leo like... gives Donnie a blank/weird look or reacts a certain way when Vi talks about Donnie or even riles Donnie up by making Vi smell like him, making little comments about her being pretty or him being her favorite or whatever... a bunch of things that COULD just be Leo being a little shit but could also be something more (something like Leo liking Vi, sure, but I really don't think so??? More and more I wonder if it could be something that's related to an incident in the past between the twins??). God I cannot WAIT for Leo and Vi to talk on Saturday.

Vi says she doesn't talk to her family anymore because they're so anti-mutant and they had a huge falling out. I'm still wondering if there was some kind of abuse she suffered from her family, as well, even if she doesn't recognize it as having been abuse. (Racist family members being cruel to you hits close to home, I'm almost certainly projecting.)

“A mutant? You?” Donnie gapes, looking shocked. “You dated a mutant?” 

You bark out an incredulous laugh. “How are you surprised by this?” 

YEP. SAM IS RIGHT. HITS FUCKING DIFFERENT. GOD.

You haven’t thought about Alopex in years; it’s odd, now, how you finally feel able to do so without pain.

Ooooh boy. I CANNOT WAIT to find out more about the past relationship with Alopex. And if I recall correctly Sam has said Alopex will make an appearance and I am SO EXCITED.

[Vi talking] "I have a family again, and I have you. That’s all I need.” 

Donnie frowns, but whatever machinations are in his head are tabled when instead he just sighs

She makes that distinction here between the fam and Donnie. Specifically says "I have you" and he frowns. During my first read I thought he was frowning at the whole estranged family/Alopex breakup thing. Now I'm wondering what he thought about that comment "I have you."

Engage alarm 16-44-SD - I wonder what the significance of the numbers and letters are. Do you think we'll find out?

[Vi asks Donnie to cuddle and they're getting situated on the cot] “What are your goals for this evening?” he asks, using his hand to glide along your jaw, cupping your nape to turn your face to his. 

“With you?” you ask to clarify, and when he nods, you hum. “Don’t really have any. Just want to feel good with you.” 

Donnie studies you for a moment

Fuck. FUCK. "What are your goals" I'm pacing like a madman. WHAT IS HE THINKING WHEN HE STUDIES HER AFTER HER RESPONSE. FUCK.

“…Actually, I changed my mind. I wanna kiss you again.” 

Donnie’s smirk is a little lazy. “That was quick. I was expecting to have to work on you a bit longer for that.”

“Yeah, well, I’m easy for you. Sue me,” you tell him ... “That you are,” he agrees ... “…Want to feel good,” he murmurs against your mouth, repeating your request of him like he’s contemplating it, still. When you nod, he dips down, his second kiss a bit more

This Whole fucking interaction. My heart is shredded. Him thinking about her saying she wants to feel good, taking that as her saying the 'goal' of today's 'session' is that and then having her come using his thigh so they can achieve that 'session goal' and collect data.

[Asking if she's sure he has to touch somewhere first before she'll touch him there] “Though I suppose it’s fine. Just more data. And I’m hardly opposed to making you feel good first.”

JUST MORE DATA he says

[Donnie tells you to take off the clothes Leo lent you] Vi - “Donnie, I’m not wearing anything under this.” 

“…Okay?” he says, looking at you like he doesn’t understand the problem.

This is SO. I JUST. FUCK. Sex and nude intimacy is all part of the project. Why WOULD it be a big deal? They agreed that the experiment would include kissing, petting, sex, etc. There's no feelings involved, it's just necessary for the session, for the data. I'm Unwell.

(The sexy stuff is, once again, SO HOT but SO PAINFUL to read)

[After she comes using his thigh] “Oh, yeah. I’m gonna remember that for a long, long time. Until you one up yourself, of course.” 

“A good scientist is always seeking to extract better results from his subject matter,” Donnie agrees. 

SUBJECT MATTER. I'M LAYING DOWN ON THE TRAIN TRACKS. AND THEN IN HER MIND SHE REFERS TO HIM ONCE AGAIN AS HER BOYFRIEND. WHERE IS THAT GODDAMN TRAIN. I'M WAITING.

I wonder if Sam was writing this and smirking evilly the entire fucking time. Evil. EVIL. EVIL EVIL EVIL EVIL E-

---

Chapter 15

SINCLAIR'S NAME IS JUNE. FUCK I FORGOT LMAO I'm just as bad as Vi

Vi making cookies again for the 4th of July party. Then in the shower, talking to Leo about it.

“I was thinking I’d make enough cookies for you guys to have left over, since I know you like ‘em a lot. Plus I feel like I kind of owe Raph for the whole, uh, making him fish me out of the pond thing.” 

Leo doesn’t answer, you think, though you might have missed it as you duck your head under the water to get rid of the shampoo.

I was so distracted by blurple symphony au thoughts the first time I read this, but now I'm just thinking about how she worded that.

“I was thinking I’d bring him [Raph] by some bread later, too. I know we kind of worked it all out, but I’d feel better if I really had a good apology. He was pretty upset. And Donnie, too. I need to make him something. Not that he, uh, did anything. But the thought was there, I guess."

Once again, she feels the need to DO something for others. As an apology, as appreciation. Thoughtful to the point of making me worry.

(Also, I wonder if the talk with Leo on Saturday will shed light on what he was doing/thinking here while she was showering)

“Glad to be of service,” you laugh

YEAH. YOU ALWAYS ARE.

[Vi says she'll try to get Donnie to come to the party] Casey stares at you with eyes that see a little too far into your soul for your liking, but then he pulls them back and laughs like he didn’t just sear your bones. “Well, if anyone could, I bet it’d be you.”

:) pain

“He’s got me on security protocol 27-L-Alpha, but family’s allowed through on that one, so you can go ahead in,” Shelldon says

Again, I wonder about the significance of the numbers and letters. Also, FAMILY IS ALLOWED THROUGH. So Donnie sees her as family? I need to be inside his head.

She gets him to go to the party and he says she'll owe him. Is that the only reason he agrees? Because then she owes him something? Is he just hungry? Is he soft for her without realizing?

When the yokai is flirting with Vi at the party, WHAT is Donnie thinking? I must know. Vi looks at Donnie and thinks that he's 'too traumatized, probably by those fucking brain aliens, to fish you out.' If Donnie thought they were dating, would he have stepped in?

Leo hooks his head onto your shoulder, nuzzling his beak into your throat and humming like he does when it’s just the two of you. ... his fingers fluttering on your stomach as his eyes cut off to the side. He has a sharp look to his features that you’re a bit too drunk to dissect, so you just ignore it. 

I'm squinting so hard at this. This is at the party in front of everyone, but it's GOTTA be another attempt at riling Donnie up, right? UGH

(GOD. DONNIE PULLING YOU INTO HIS ROOM. STICKING HIS FINGERS INTO YOUR MOUTH. GOD. FUCK. JESUS HOLY HELL I'M ON FIRE.)

“Gonna kill him,” Donnie growls against your skin

Is he talking about Leo? WHY DOES IT BOTHER YOU SO MUCH, HUH DONNIE? Seriously, did something fucking happen between him and Leo in the past that's related to all this? Or is this just Donnie being jealous and possessive over Vi despite them just being "partners" for the project??

He grabs your chin, holding your face to his, and you open your damp eyes to see that he’s staring at you, cataloging your every move. 

Data collection. I know I'm repeating myself here, but this is so so painful to read.

Pulling away, Donnie groans, his forehead finding your shoulder. “Fuck. I can’t believe I did that. I’m sorry,” he says, causing you to laugh. You sink your fingers into his nape, stroking long lines against worried flesh. 

“How are you apologizing right now? That was incredible,” you promise. 

“It—It was outside the bounds of our agreement. We both stated that my lab was the only place where we’d—” he starts

:( that's all I can say. Just. :(

"I’m going to go to my lab and make sure this obnoxious music didn’t ruin anything.” 

OH MY GOD. THE RECORDINGS. HIM GOING TO THE LAB TO REVIEW THE DATA FOR THE PROJECT. HOW DID I COMPLETELY SKIP OVER THIS LINE THE FIRST TIME.

Vi asks for one last kiss and then -> “…You’re getting good at that,” you murmur against his mouth when he pulls away, opening your eyes to see him staring at you with lustrous eyes. 

“Third Law,” he says

Third Law. Something I want (your help with this project) for something you want (to feel good). Fuck. FUCK.

You turn your head, seeing that he has something to say on the tip of his tongue, but he shakes it off, looking off to the side. 

“…Text me when you get home,” he says instead, making you smile and nod. 

WHAT WAS HE GOING TO SAY. WILL WE EVER FIND OUT? I'M FERAL.

Vi tells Mikey she and Donnie are dating. Once again it's explicit when she tells others but not when she's with Donnie. Kill me. Kill me.

Again, Vi worrying so much about the boys. Wishing she could help more. Sigh.

“…Yeah. Pretty,” he [Leo] agrees, voice quiet. ... you feel a beak nuzzle gently into your hair, inhaling softly to find your scent, before he goes carefully, painfully still; and just before you finally drift off to sleep on his shoulder, you imagine, you think, the sound of creaking wood beneath a tight, gripping fist. 

Once again the first time I read this as Leo maybe liking Vi or being upset that Donnie touches her when he hasn't been able to touch his brother in so long, but... Does Leo... does Leo know that Donnie doesn't see their partnership as romantic? Does he KNOW?? Is he letting this go on because it's helping Donnie and he wants his brother to get better???? HANG ON. HANG ON. IT BETTER NOT BE. IT BETTER FUCKING NOT. PLEASE TELL ME I'M WRONG. Is this Leo realizing that the partnership has become sexual and that this is so much worse for Vi than he thought? MY HEART IS BEATING OUT OF MY CHEST. (I'm wrong. I have to be wrong. I have to be reading too much into it, right? Please tell me I'm wrong I'm on the verge of tears.)

---

Chapter 16

Sinclair recovers quickly, waving her hand. “Yo. Introduce us to the cutie?” 

“C-Cutie?” Raph repeats, flustering quickly.

Sinclair (June?) has a girlfriend I know but this little interaction makes me wish Raph could get someone, you know? I wish all the boys could get someone (if they want someone, that is). I want them all to be happy so badly :(

Also Sinclair's girlfriend is a mutant. Are we gonna meet her?

You dig your nails into your biceps hard. 

I worry. I fucking WORRY.

First mention of Scheherazade - oh my god. Forever sobbing.

Leo hasn't texted you today.

DOES HE FEEL GUILTY?

Sinclair calling Vi her friend :') getting her number :') I love her

Vi is so anxious over the thought of Leo being upset with her. And then there's a line when she goes to the lair to see him - hoping you’re not being too overbearing - that has me once again wondering if she had past experiences where someone got upset and reacted badly and blamed her, or maybe if she just internalized the bad reaction as her fault and now she's always scrambling to soothe and fix? Thinking of how toxic relationships can have that affect on people, you know?

He isn’t Alopex, you remind yourself. It’s cruel to impose upon him the damaged expectations from the last relationship you’d had. Cruel to yourself, seeing darkness where there isn’t any to be found. You’re letting old insecurities seep in, you think, feeling your eyes burn a little.

Yeah, this. I wonder if we'll find out about the exact details of everything that happened? I think we will, and I'm excited.

[Leo talking] “I’ve just been… tired. Thinking about things. About what I want.” 

Tilting your head, you ask. “…What you want?” 

Leo nods, bringing your hand to his mouth to brush a kiss to your knuckles, staring at them as he brings your hand to his lap. “I’m. I’m still thinking about it. If I promise to tell you, can you give me time?” 

If I'm right. And I pray that I'm wrong. But. If I'm right. He's thinking about what's more important to him, about what he wants more - truly being a good friend to you vs. using you to help Donnie with his touch thing even though he knows what's really going on, even though he knows you think something else is happening when it's not. (If I'm right... he's using her. He's using her, after seeing how lonely she was, how willing she is to help, how desperate she is to be useful, manipulating that, taking advantage of that. Please God let me be wrong.)

Upstairs, you find Donnie sitting in front of his wall of computer screens, each plastered with an ocean of diagrams and spreadsheets. Deep in thought ... “Oh, good. I was just thinking about you,” he says

He's looking at the spreadsheets for the project. Of course he'd be thinking of her. Sobbing. Screaming. I hate myself.

[Donnie smells Leo on Vi] "Really pisses me off,” he grumbles

Again, why does it make him mad that Vi smells like Leo?

“Hm. I promised you a lesson on my anatomy. Considering I explored your genitalia, unintentional though the moment was, that does, as per our arrangement, clear you to touch mine.”

Arrangement. ARRANGEMENT. And the clinical discussion, of course. Naturally. No feelings, just a project, all part of the experiment.

“Experiential learning. Excellent. I knew you were the one.” 

The one. The one to choose as his partner on the project. Goddammit.

(God. The smut. It's so hot. I'm swimming in lava.)

“All right. Take off your pants and lie down. My turn.” 

Startled, you just blink at him for a moment. “W-What?” 

“Third Law. And I want to taste you. See if it’s different from mine. I’m very curious about the tactile nature, since it was quite pleasant on my fingers. Plus, you didn’t come. I’m not a barbarian. Now, chop chop.” 

Third Law. You did this so now I do that. It's a transaction. And he's curious about the taste and feel compared to his own. Data data data.

“…Very, very pleasant,” he murmurs to himself more than to you, 

Data. Notes. For his own future reference. Fuck.

“Only the best for my favorite turtle,” you promise, laughing and pulling away, spinning in place with your arms spread wide. “Now. Shall we work on the Turtolin while waiting for the smell of sex to dissipate? I’d rather not scar poor Leo if I can help it.”

Donnie looks like he’s contemplating something hard, but he pushes it away and nods. 

What is he thinking here? Does it have anything to do with Leo? Or the favorite turtle line?? UGH

[Vi sends Donnie a pic of her in the bath with the bath bomb he gave her and he calls] “Good girl,” he says easily, making your skin burn hot. “Now, I’m going to put you on speaker and listen as you make yourself come.”

Jaw dropping, you stutter, “R-Right now?”

Donnie hums. “Then send me another. One before. One after.”

You hear the soft click of him putting his phone down, and the familiar sound of him fiddling with his tech. ... “I’m waiting,” you hear him say.

This is SO PAINFUL now. FUCK.

---

Chapter 17

(My notes after this point include knowledge of chapter 22 aka the chapter that made me physically ill)

You find him [Donnie], as you expect, pouring over some spreadsheets. 

The spreadsheets again :(

[Vi talking to Raph and Mikey about Donnie] "You wouldn’t expect it. But he’s—he’s so kind. Always thinking about how he can help others, always looking to make their lives easier. It’s—It’s really admirable. I respect him a lot.”

Vi you're literally describing yourself.

“You had a problem. I solved it,” he says, like it’s that simple. And you suppose, in a way, it is. He just… doesn’t see it as his love language, even though it so, so clearly is. 

I feel like this is a nod towards Donnie actually being in love with Vi but not realizing it.

So. Leo shows up during turtle time.

“Actually, perfect timing,” Leo says, coming up to you and pulling you into a hug. “I have a present for you.” ... “Yep. C’mon, I’ll portal you back to your place so I can give it to you,” he says, making you look at Donnie, concerned he’s about to crack a tooth.

Even though we know he's not doing these things to be manipulative anymore (assuming we can actually trust that he was being honest about when he 'stopped completely'), it's still tainted, especially since it's in front of Donnie. The casual physical touches, calling her "hermosa." Not only am I reading this and feeling so fucking betrayed, but I'm ALSO sad because he's started feeling guilty and really truly seeing her as his best friend now (if, again, we believe his claims in 22), and the torment he must be going through, despite it being so, so deserved, makes me sad. Actually, sad isn't the right word for it, but the right word escapes me. Whatever it is that I'm feeling about this is gaping and tender and intense.

“The truth,” he says, taking the picture from you and putting it on the coffee table. “About us. About everything.” 

Not about everything, Leo. Not yet. (I think the word I'm looking for is agony. I'm not just sad. I'm in agony.)

[Vi talking to Leo] "So I just tucked it into one of those Leo will explain this someday pile.”

He stares at you for a second, then gets a melancholic smile on his face. “Yeah. That pile’s probably a lot bigger than it should be. I’m sorry.”

“Hey, I told you before. It’s okay if you’re not ready to spill your guts,” you remind him. 

“That was true then. But now, you’re—” he stops himself, looking at you hard, his eyes unmoored on your face. “…It’s different. Now.” 

OOF. FUCKING. FUCK.

[Leo talking about the invasion] "Then one day, I—I fucked up really bad. I didn’t even know how bad, but I—” His voice chokes, grip on you going tight. He looks at you, eyes a little wild, and you nod. 

THIS IS A PARALLEL TO HIM FUCKING UP WITH VI. NOT EVEN KNOWING HOW BAD HE FUCKED UP UNTIL AFTER THE FACT.

And every time Vi responds so fucking kindly to something Leo says or does... at this point he's truly wracked with guilt. Every kind thing she does is another reminder of how badly he fucked up, another twist of the knife that he unknowingly lodged between his own ribs. For example: Leo stares, soaking you up like you’re water and he’s cracked earth; then, taking in a haggard breath, he continues.

And then Leo asks Vi to help Casey like she helped him and his brothers. And even here, when he's being genuine, that ask is tainted, tainted, tainted by his history of using her for his own desires.

“Thanks,” he says, true and honest in a manner that oh, this entire time, you haven’t really seen. 

God. GOD.

Vi asking Donnie about the aquarium... she doesn't use the word date. I wonder, if she did, would he have locked

There are going to be a lot of moments like that in your near future, you’re guessing, taking a long sip of water and staring at your reflection in the blank screen of the television. Little pieces you’ve seen, little hints of darkness you’re going to understand now.

Vi is referring to the fact that she knows about Casey being from the future and stuff, but this is mirroring what I'm doing. Finding little hints of darkness in Leo on my reread. God. Kill me.

---

Chapter 18

Vi gushing about Donnie to Sinclair :( and this line specifically -> "He just… gives and gives and gives.” THAT'S YOU, VI. YOU'RE SO ALIKE.

"He’s—brutally honest, but in a way that makes it impossible to doubt any compliment he gives."

Meanwhile LEO-

(I can barely focus. My heart aches so much. I keep having to reread the same paragraph over and over because I keep thinking about Leo. I really do feel so goddamn betrayed. How can Vi go on? How is she going to fucking... I've said it already but if it were me I would spiral really really bad. I was already worried about her before chapter 22. And now... I don't think Sam would do what I'm thinking of because surely there would be tags indicating that already due to their triggering nature, but I just know if it were me... I won't say it.)

Do you think, now that Donnie knows about the miscommunication, he'll go back and review their texts and his recordings to search for hints that he might've missed? Do you think he'll find something and think 'stupid, stupid, you should've seen it then, it was right there all along' like Vi did when she first realized?

I'm realizing, once again, how often Vi uses the adjective "stupid" to describe so many of her thoughts and actions. And I'm wondering, once again, how far back that habit runs. Whether it's always been there or if it started when she was with Alopex.

Oh man... when Vi gets ready for the aquarium... no. She doesn't think "I look nice" or anything. When she sees Donnie, she tells him he looks nice. Like a model, even. And he doesn't say anything about how she looks. I remember being a bit disappointed the first time I read and just assuming that he was too embarrassed or shy or something to comment on how she looked, but no. I'm a fool.

The alligators are so fucking cute, which he finds absolutely absurd. 

“I like their faces, I dunno,” you say with a shrug. “Look at those little snouts! Don’t you just wanna… smooch one?” 

“No, I can definitely say that I do not,” Donnie drones. “And I’m pretty concerned that you do.” 

“I mean, soft shelled turtles are pretty aggressive biters too, right?” you point out, tilting your head and looking at him a little coyly. “Seems to me you don’t mind me kissing one of those all the time.” 

Huffing, Donnie turns his face with a flustered scowl. “Th-That’s different!”

Just putting this section here. Just pointing out how he responds. I'm just casually in agony, right now.

[Vi talking after Donnie asks for permission to kiss her outside of the lab] "Okay. Well. Consider this my blank check of consent to any and all kissing. Inside the lab, outside of it, no matter how many people are around.”

“Hm. Well. Too many people will probably ruin the results. But I’ll take it under consideration,” he says. 

Another comment that I saw as referring to the experiment, yes, but that I also thought was him flirting. Me putting meaning into his words that isn't there. Fuck.

his mouth claiming you like you aren’t already all his

Because she's not. She not his. Kill me.

When they run into the old standmate, Donnie gets so fucking mad that the guy insulted Vi. Another thing that I interpreted as romantic that wasn't.

“I’m—not particularly sure how to do this [have sex] with our current arrangement,” he says breathlessly

Damn. Even the first time they have sex, he tried checking in, tried to honor the rule she set, referred to it as their "arrangement" and everything... he truly did nothing wrong. What a massive misunderstanding. This continues to blow my mind. Damn.

She calls him cute once again, and he doesn't say anything like that back.

(The sex is so FUCKING HOT GOOD GOD)

He asks her to stay. And she does. And she's realizing she's in love with him. And I'm so, so sad.

---

Chapter 19

[Vi talking to Casey about Leo] "He’s a really good friend. I feel lucky to know him,” you tell him

Every single line where Leo is referred to as her friend has the rage flaring in my chest again.

Oh my god. I've been interested in how the brothers are going to react if/when they find out what Leo admitted (especially Donnie, obviously), but... what is CASEY going to think? He admires Leo so much. Oh my god. Oh my GOD.

man hadn’t that morning sex the other day been something else? Let’s try it again and see if we can replicate it. So your Wednesday is even lazier than usual with just the one lesson after a long morning of Donnie seemingly testing just how well sound-proofed his lab is, or maybe how loud he can get you to whine his name when you come, you’re not really sure which.

Replicate. Test. Kill me kill me kill me

The first shot cracks through the air and makes your ears ring. Without thinking, you move. Your hands clutch Dakota’s shirt, throwing her off the stage to the pit where the gunman won’t have a clear view. A second shot goes off. Before she hits the floor, you’re moving, tackling the other three to the floor underneath you. A third shot.

Again, her instincts are to protect others first.

you see Raph pinning the guy to the floor, a look on his face like you’ve never seen before. 

Actually, you realize; no. You have seen it. Once. In your kitchen. From Leonardo to you. 

Rage.

FUCK. KILL ME.

(DAKOTA. MY FUCKING HEART. WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I'LL HAVE TO GO BACK AND REREAD ALL THE DAKOTA PARTS AT SOME POINT WHEN WHATEVER SAM HAS PLANNED FOR HER HAPPENS/IS REVEALED.)

Even after almost being shot she wants to rehearse. Be productive. Sigh.

You’re a little surprised to feel that your hands feel jittery at the ends of your arms, a bit like you have too much energy inside still. Your hold on your bow is a little wonky, too.

WHAT YOU JUST EXPERIENCED WAS TRAUMATIZING. WHY ARE YOU SURPRISED. WHY DO YOU NOT SEE- HOW ARE YOU SO- Sorry I'm just. So protective of her. So frustrated that she doesn't care about herself like she should. She's in shock, huh? I'm being too harsh. I'm just so fucking angry because of how GOOD she is to others and how Leo fucking USED that. I can't fucking take it.

She's shaken up after being shot at... on the subway, looking forward to going to the lair -> Gazing past your reflection in the subway window, you watch the lights flash past in little warm blurs, and seek comfort in the knowledge that soon you’ll be with people who love you.

People who love you. Like Leo and Donnie. Pain pain pain. And when she finds Leo sleeping in his room, her softness for him, her fondness and affection... It hurts. It hurts.

She finds Donnie in his lab. I remember thinking it was weird he didn't react more strongly to the fact that she was literally shot at. He just says “I heard you had a fun afternoon,” and that's it. Honestly it still surprises me. I feel like we have seen him be protective over her for lesser incidents... remember the bruise? Remember the standmate? Why, I wonder, did he not react more strongly here? Is it because she wasn't actually shot?

He eases the tension headache she didn't even realize she had. (Vi, once again not realizing how affected she was. This mirrors her not realizing she was sick before, too.)

Turning your head when he slowly releases you, you see an ocean of spreadsheets in front of you that instantly has you looking away in disinterest before you can read a single word. 

I hate myself so much. What would she have seen, what would she have realized, if she looked a little bit closer?

“…No, I just… smelled you,” Leo says blankly, looking between you and where Donnie’s got his arms wrapped around you, and you think—oh. He’s known this whole time, of course, that Donnie touches you; but this is maybe the first time he’s seen it. “You’re… really touching her.”

“I was under the impression you knew about it,” Donnie says, dropping his chin on your shoulder and raising a brow ridge at his twin.

“…I did,” Leo agrees, though his face is still as stone. His eyes focus on where Donnie’s got his arms wrapped around your middle, and for some reason, the intensity of it makes you want to wiggle away and get out of Donnie’s grasp. ... Leo, eyes focused on where Donnie’s beak is tucked into your throat ... “I like it,” Leo says, staring at Donnie.

God. Leo. Still wrestling with his anger and jealousy, trying to be happy about it, but still struggling so much.

The Scheherazade story kind of mimics Leo and Vi. Scheherazade won the kings love over time, while Vi won Leo's true affection and friendship over time. Hm.

[Vi goes] to stand out of Donnie’s lap, only to turn to him and raise an eyebrow when he petulantly keeps you pinned to his plastron, his eyes dark and pouty on his twin. “…Donnie.” ... You bat your eyelashes cutely at Leo, who gets a smug look on his face as he stretches out a hand to the side. His crescents glow prettily, and with a curl of his fingers, he has a sword in his hand to cut a portal. “One ride on the turtle express for mi tesorito.” 

“Turtle ex—?!” Donnie chokes, his fingers going tight in your flesh, his teeth pulling into a snarl. It hurts a little, and you’re kind of mortified when the squeak you make is maybe a little more sensual than it probably should be. Feeling your cheeks flare hot, you press your palms to Donnie’s shoulders, giving him a meaningful look.

“I can come back tomorrow,” you say with gritted teeth, increasingly miffed when he just shoots a glum look to his twin.

Once again, even if Leo is being genuine, this is all tainted, and it fucking hurts to read every interaction they have, especially in front of Donnie. But I also noticed another layer here. Vi is trying to behave as though she and Donnie aren't dating because Leo is there and as far as Donnie is aware (in her mind) Leo knows they touch but doesn't know they're together. Meanwhile things that seem romantic to her are NOT romantic to Donnie, so he's being clingy and she is a little annoyed/confused, because she's thinking 'doesn't Donnie know this is suspicious??' But NO. HE DOESN'T KNOW THAT. AT ALL.

“Fine, fine,” he [Donnie] says petulantly, removing his arms from your waist. 

“Good boy,” Leo says with a widening smirk, squawking when you reach out and flick his beak. 

“And you. I don’t know what your game is, but stop terrorizing him,” you tell him, watching as he rubs his palm over the offended flesh. 

“Me? Terrorizing Donatello?”

“Leonardo.”

This is after Leo supposedly 'stopped completely' and yet.

“He [Casey] has a lot of secrets he’s keeping,” Leo says, softening. “They’re a heavy load. I don’t know how he does it.”

Secrets can be a heavy load, huh Leo? You FUCKING-

Leo sighs, grabbing his katana and cutting another portal back to the lair. Before he leaves, however, he beckons you close. Reluctantly, feeling a bit embarrassed and hoping your lingering arousal isn’t too obvious, you go; only to blink when he reaches out a hand and grabs your chin, bringing your face close to his as his eyes drop to your mouth. 

“…Yep. Thought so. Doesn’t take much to get you going, huh,” he says knowingly

Get your fucking hands off of her and shut your goddamn mouth. I'm so angry. I'm so fucking angry. I've never been this angry in my life. Yes he feels bad. Yes he's suffering now, yes he's going to get consequences that fucking hurt him. But I don't even fucking care right now because I'm so, so angry. What is everyone else going to say? Will Leo even tell them?? I don't know if Vi would tell the fam what Leo did, because she doesn't like causing conflict. But someone needs to tell them. God. What is Donnie going to do, knowing that she's already distraught because of their miscommunication?

Vi talking to Casey, getting him to open up about the future. Taking responsibility for helping him. Even though it's upsetting. Yes, that's what real, good friends do, but it's just another example of her giving, giving, giving. How deeply she cares, how sincerely she loves those in her life, how she would willingly burn herself up for the people she loves to keep them warm. And the fact that she's taking on this burden after LEO had asked her to...

(The lavender mask thing hurts just as much the second time. Ouch.)

[Casey talking] “Apparently, you always were able to get him to do things. I remember Master Leonardo making a comment about it once when he was trying to get Uncle Tello to do something. You’d do it for her, or something.”

You wince. That couldn’t have gone over well.

I can only imagine future Leo saying that with bitterness. Was there jealousy in the other timeline, too? It's easy to imagine since we know what Leo is capable of, now. Easy to imagine a future Leo, run down and exhausted and bearing so much responsibility for the resistance and guilt over the apocalypse, letting it all build and build and build, letting it get to him after Vi's death, even if he loved her too, even if he was grieving too, and being so angry over Donnie refusing to do something, and losing his cool. 'You'd do it for her. Why won't you do it for me?'

I wonder how Donnie would have reacted if Vi HAD told him about what happened with future them. About the lavender mask.

[Vi's bath water] It’s hot when you get in; too hot, maybe. But the burn feels a little good. Tethers you into place where otherwise you worry you’d drift away to a future that isn’t yours. 

See, again, this worries me. Using pain as a grounding technique, almost. This is pretty innocent, but it hints at the POTENTIAL for going further with this kind of stuff. I do nothing but seethe and worry.

---

Chapter 20

Finally made it all the way here. Sigh. Let's read.

you find yourself drifting off at random moments, haunted by memories that aren’t even yours ... for some reason, you spend most of Friday night sobbing into your pillow ... you spend the morning in your bed, curled around your pillow and staring numbly at the wall ... you’re avoiding Donnie

Vi takes the knowledge Casey gave her so hard. Evidence, once again, of how deeply she cares, how strongly she loves, but I can't help but remember that LEO asked her to help Casey. And she honestly probably would've ended up doing it anyway at some point, even if Leo didn't explicitly ask her to, because that's just how she is and Casey is part of the family and she wants to help... but I can't help pairing her emotional turmoil with the fact that LEO asked her to take that on.

“Donnie said you wasn’t feelin’ good, but you look like shit,” he says, causing you to shoot him a wry smile.

“Thanks, Raph. I feel so beautiful now.” 

Raph shoots you a meaningful look. “I think you ‘nd I both know I ain’t the one you wanna hear that from.” 

...

“Raph ain’t mad. I’ve been Donnie’s brother for a long, long time. I know he can be a dumb dumb, sometimes.”

Everyone (I think) sees that Donnie loves her EXCEPT Donnie. Raph says he saw Donnie grab Vi at the party... do you think, when Raph finds out about the miscommunication, he might realize that Donnie doesn't understand his feelings and try to help him figure it out?

💜🐢 (6:16 p.m.)

Raph said you looked unwell today. Do I need to send Leo over to bring you to the lair tonight?

A tempting offer that makes you bite your lower lip. You turn on the camera on your phone to check your face and see the bags under your eyes, the clear exhaustion, and something else that makes you just look… sad.

sent (6:17 p.m.)

no, but thank you for offering! it’s really sweet of you.

I'm begging you to accept some comfort. I'm begging. She so easily brushes him off so she can hide how she's feeling. Please, man, she needs to be loved.

[Vi talking] "Thanks, Casey. You’re the best, and I owe you.” 

“Nah. People always look after each other,” Casey says easily, and you suppose that coming from an apocalypse-torn world forces that outlook on you pretty bone-deep. 

She's right, but also... I'm having trouble articulating my thoughts about this. Something about her always feeling like she OWES people for the things they do for her. Like she has to earn their kindness, always pay it back, nothing comes for free, not for you... she doesn't have that mentality regarding anyone else. Like, she doesn't expect others to earn her kindness, she doesn't expect any kind of payback or anything when she does something kind or helpful - that mindset only applies when she's the one getting something. It has me wondering, again, about the details of her past. Alopex, yes, but also with her family. Was it pounded into her head that she isn't enough, that she isn't worthy of kindness and help unless she does something useful or tangible in return? Or is this, once again, me reading too much into things and possibly projecting?

Mikey, we’re your brothers. It would make sense for us to go.

It just occurred to me that Donnie uses italics in the group chat. You can't do that in regular text chains, right? Is this like a discord-type situation? Or is it because they're all using phones (most likely) made by Donnie and he somehow added that feature? (This is so not important, I know, I know, but I'm curious okay?)

Every single use of tesorito and hermosa stabs me directly in the heart.

“You look like shit,” you hear a familiar voice call, and you look up to see Leo sitting in a fire escape, legs hanging and his arms resting against the metal. Elegantly, he drops to the asphalt, walking up to you and taking your chin in his hands, tilting your face for his examination. “How are you feeling?”

“Like shit,” you agree, causing him to grin. “Thanks for this, by the way. I really appreciate it.”

“You don’t ask for much. And even if you did, I like showing off for pretty girls,” he flairs. 

Fury. Even now, when he's supposedly being genuine with her, I'm so angry. He even says she doesn't ask for much. He knows how much she gives, how little she takes. How much she cares. The work she puts in for others. You know the (Did you try?) that Vi has in 21? I wonder... ever since he started to really think about 'what he wants' did he have similar thoughts? A constant (Is this worth it? Is this the person you want to be? Now that you see her heart, her soul, are you really okay with being this kind of person?) - or even, as we get further and further into the fic, something like (How could you? How could you? How could you?)

“Best friend ever,” you compliment

Does he feel guilty when she says stuff like this, now? (How could you?)

Oh I forgot that Vi told Leo what Casey revealed to her about the future. Again, does Leo feel guilty? Seeing that Vi was so affected by that knowledge? Knowing that he asked her to talk to Casey, so it's kind of because of him? "I haven’t felt right in days" she says.

"I hate secrets" [Vi says] ... “…Can I ask you something?” he says after a moment of studying your face. It’s a curiously serious expression ... “Why Donnie?” ... "You’re beautiful. Funny. Have a good job. Easy to like. You could have most anyone you want. Any mutant would kill to have someone like you as a partner. So. Why Donnie?” ... It feels, a little, like that day he’d frightened you. A softer, friendlier version of it.

Yeah. Because it is. Leo doesn't hate her anymore, and she picks up on the difference even though she doesn't understand why.

[Vi talking about Donnie] he’s got this—compulsion, almost. To take care of people. He works on his tech so hard so he can be useful. He’s always texting me about not staying up too late. Getting enough sleep. Did I eat lunch. Don’t overwork myself. Take a break. He even got me to take a few days off, just to relax, and I’ve never done that before. Even though he never turns those thoughts in on himself

HE'S JUST LIKE YOU. SCREAMING THIS FROM THE ROOFTOPS. RATTLING HER. SO MANY THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT DONNIE APPLY TO YOU AS WELL.

“Most of all, he’s honest,” you keep going, tangling your fingers together, staring down at the way they knot at your waist. “If he says something, I can take it at face value. There’s no hidden meaning. Nothing deeper. If he says something feels good, I know it feels good. If he says he likes something, he likes it. If he doesn’t like it, he doesn’t like it. If he asks for something, I don’t need to ask if he’s sure. He asks, so he’s sure. It—It’s a breath of fresh air. If I want to know what he’s thinking, really thinking, all I have to do is ask." ... I like him. All of him. Even if I’d never been able to touch him. It would have been him.”

Leo’s still as stone for a few moments longer, looking at you like he’s trying to decide if he wants to say something

Yeah. I can definitely see how this would make Leo really struggle to keep it a secret.

He portals you to just outside Donnie’s lab, and with another flash of blue, he’s gone.

The difference here, with him not even going in with her to see Donnie. Him just portaling her to the entrance and then going off... I can just imagine him spending a long time in his room thinking. Thinking thinking thinking about what he should do, after her speech.

Hearing your footsteps, Donnie turns his head, doing a double-take when he sees you, standing out of his chair and coming to stand in front of you with an anxious energy that makes you feel guilty all over again. 

“You’re here,” he says, and you nod, dropping your bag to the floor and leaning into him. Instantly his arms wrap around you, tight enough to crush the air out of you. 

Come ON. HE LOVES HER. HE NEEDS HER. COME ON.

What are you supposed to do? Sob into his arms about how you’d avoided something terrible? Him? The man who couldn’t even touch his family for years and years and years because of the awful things he’s gone through? The man who goes out onto the streets and keeps people like you safe? Why do you get to cry, and he doesn’t?

Her line of thinking here - that 'my issues aren't as serious, they don't matter, I shouldn't seek comfort, especially not from someone who does so much already' - just. No, Vi. I almost wish she would've told Donnie what she was thinking. Someone needs to help her.

(The sex is so fucking hot. I say that every time but only because it's true every time.)

He’s saying something; his mouth is moving but you’re too fuzzy to think, too lost to hear. 

God. I wonder what he said, here.

Every time she says something or thinks something about how beautiful he is, it reminds me that he hasn't said she is beautiful even once.

“I was hoping to get my mouth on your breasts again. You always make interesting noises when I do.” 

So clinical :( and then more and more until she realizes. I'm not going to put the whole thing, but God. God. It's so painful... acoustics, data, sensors, recordings, sessions, partner, spreadsheets...

“The differential in touch inhibition,” he says shortly, like you’re the one not making sense. “I’m actually quite pleased with our progress. I was listening to one of the recordings the other day, and—”

...

“I record everything,” he says, smiling proudly.

...

"This whole time. Have you just been… experimenting with your touch thing?”

Donnie tilts his head. “What else would we be doing?

God, it kills me that he just. Doesn't know. Doesn't understand. And it's not his fault even a little bit. How would he have known otherwise? Honestly? In my reread I didn't find anything he did wrong with the information he thought he had. Unless you count the 4th party, but even then it would be him not following the experiment protocol. It's still not him being malicious in any way (that I know of).

Sheets that smell like a stupid, stupid girl who put her own wishes into someone else’s words yet again.

That's another reference to Alopex, right? Cannot wait to find out more about that relationship.

If Donnie says anything, you don’t hear it.

I wonder if he said anything here. Was he still talking to her, trying to figure out what was wrong? Or watching her in confused, shocked silence? I don't know which is worse.

(It's so painful. It's so fucking painful to read her reaction.)

Tucking your knees to your chest, you sit under the water’s foray, letting it wash over you. On and on and on the little drops hit your skin. They hurt from their fire. On and on and on and on. They hurt from their ice. On and on and on and on. 

Again. Letting herself be hurt. I'm worried.

Then Leo. Covering her with a blanket and holding her. (Does he feel guilty? How could you?)

You pathetic thing, you think derisively, loathing the person you’d become once again.

Another nod to something like this happening with Alopex. Also, the self-hate. I worry worry worry.

Leo is there to see her fall apart. To fully see how the miscommunication with Donnie affected her. I'm worried that, if there's a blowout between him and Donnie, Leo will use his knowledge of how utterly destroyed Vi was against Donnie during the argument.

“What happened?” he asks, because of course he came without knowing, of course he’d seek to solve before he even knew the shape of the problem. Leo, the quiet leader, always watching, always knowing, always helping. So, so grateful for him, you sink your teeth into your lower lip hard and clutch your biceps hard enough to bleed.

"Always helping" and "so grateful for him" make my chest ache. She thinks of him so, so positively and fondly - the betrayal is so deep.

---

What a fucking roller coaster.

My conclusions: Sam is a genius. I'm a goddamn fool. I'm REALLY worried for Vi. I feel so so so bad for Donnie (looking back, I was so confused and angry with him... and it wasn't his fault. It really wasn't and I can't believe I was so blinded by my own biases that I couldn't fathom him not understanding... I owe him such an apology). I'm so goddamn angry with Leo I'm physically sick with it, but my heart aches for pretty much everyone, including Leo. And, once again, Sam is a genius.

[sophia-sol]

TGCF volume 1

Over on mastodon I'm participating in a group readalong of TGCF, one chapter per week, and a few weeks ago we finished the first volume of the official translation so I might as well crosspost all my thoughts over to here as like, my book review? Yeah okay here we go! Putting it all below a read more to save your dash.

PROLOGUE

I've read the whole book once before, and I just finished the prologue for this read-along, and it's fascinating to read now in the full knowledge of things that get revealed later; on my first read I absolutely did not realize how much backstory was just glossed over here!

It's fascinating how it both reads very differently and also still entirely the same when you know more!

-

this is one of the bits that uhhhh really strikes differently!!

[Only then did the crown prince realize that he had just encountered the Heavenly Emperor, who had personally descended to the Mortal Realm to subdue evil. The deities had already taken notice of this exceedingly outstanding God-Pleasing Warrior since his time in the Shangyuan Heavenly Ceremonial Procession. After the meeting at Yinian Bridge, they asked the Heavenly Emperor, "How does My Lord find this Royal Highness?" The Emperor answered, "This child's future is infinite."]

-

CHAPTER ONE

ok and now I've read chapter 1! ahhhh I just love xie lian so MUCH, what a guy, what an endless delight. Both the hint we get of wee baby newly-ascended 17 year old xie lian earnestly introducing himself to every single other heavenly official, and the current xie lian, cheerfully accepting of his misfortunes

Also: ling wen my beloved <3

-

also, this time I vow that I WILL keep Mu Qing and Feng Xin straight, no matter how much I have to work at it!

-

I also love in this chapter how indications given from early on that xie lian is unusually unlucky and also has no spiritual powers, but it's just breezily passed over as if it's no big deal and to be expected under the circumstances....oh ho ho

I do love how much xl and his pov just like....avoid noticing or expending attention on the things that suck in xie lian's life!

-

Mu Qing (tgcf) and Mu Qing (nif) have impressively divergent character vibes, to the point that I literally didn't even notice they have the same name until it was brought to my attention today!

-

CHAPTER TWO

Interested by the detail about how much extreme effort even a fairly well-placed lord has to go through in order to get the attention of any of the gods in heaven. Really checks out with respect to how much the heavens seem more interested in their own interpersonal dynamics than in, like, actually doing things for their followers!

-

It is extremely funny to me that Fu Yao is capable of criticizing the Nan Yang statue for 2 hours straight, and that that's how long it takes before Xie Lian thinks it might be time to change the subject

-

Kind of heartbreaking how completely Xie Lian doesn't consider that someone might be upset by seeing how injured he got from his fall from heaven! what? little ol' him might matter to someone?!

-

I was talking last week about how to keep track of which names go with which of Mu Qing and Feng Xin, and I'm very sad to report that my strategy does not completely hold up, because Ju Yang has a u in it, and is a name for Feng Xin. Mu Qing does not have a monopoly on u names after all :( RUDE

-

CHAPTER THREE

Fu Yao criticising the inefficiency of Ling Wen's palace...as if Mu Qing's palace is able to do anything useful in this situation!

-

Xiao-Ying is delightful. Willing and able to stand up for herself, but also happy to lend assistance to people who need help, if they were kind to her. But assistance only on her own terms!

-

hua cheng introduction!!

ahhhh when hua Cheng first finally encounters Xie Lian, he holds out his hand in offer, and doesn't demand or force anything. of course!

"If he was a real groom, then he'd genuinely be a most gentle and considerate one."

Xie Lian is just full of thoughts about how wonderful this mysterious person is, in character and appearance and action, despite the context of meeting him

what a meet-cute! lol

-

I am really loving #TGCFReadAlong ! such a good way to inspire lots of conversation about this book that I pretty much always want to talk about!

-

CHAPTER FOUR

I loved Xiao-Ying, how brave and how kind she is, how hard she tries to do what's right, and it's very sad that she ends up dying :(((((

-

This is the chapter where we get introduced to Pei Ming's womanizing misogyny. Xuan Ji....you could have done SO much better than him! What IS it that makes so many women actually attracted to him?!

But I also do wonder what it was that led Xuan Ji to such an extreme response to being abandoned and rejected by her lover. She was apparently a very capable general, previously, so what led her to all these bad decisions!

-

CHAPTER FIVE

I do find human face disease to be kind of a silly concept. Like it's developed in interesting ways over the course of the book but the defining symptom has always seemed just a bit silly to me.

I genuinely do not remember though how this kid ends up with human face disease though, all these centuries after the plague! too many things happen in this book lol

-

ahhh on first read of the book when you see xie lian's reaction to the boy's face, you're like, oh it's a combo of body horror plus fear of the plague that destroyed his home. On second read.....oh it's The Trauma.

It's so sad, too, that it means he doesn't manage to have a chill reaction to this kid who was so worried about showing his face!

-

on another note, I love how thoroughly hua cheng managed to trounce the 33 gods, and how thoroughly he punished them afterwards when they renege on the parameters of the challenge

it's so funny to me how it makes so much of the heaven terrified of hc, even though hc was behaving perfectly honourably. he issued a challenge and he abided by the agreements in the challenge, that's only scary if you plan to do dishonourable things yourself!

-

during this week's reading I went back and forth approximately a thousand times about whether Xie Lian has already recognized Feng Xin and Mu Qing or not! I just CANNOT decide. I will be keeping my eyes peeled for further clues as we continue in this book

-

CHAPTER SIX

it's so funny and charming how xie lian's efforts to engage with the communication array basically come down to those spammy email forward chains that old people used to send all the time!

(I suppose that that energy has been redirected to facebook or something these days?)

-

I'm also super charmed by how xie lian has basically made himself immune to feeling awkward about things he does. everyone else is super embarrassed for him, to be his own only worshipper, but xl is chill. And thinks "amusing himself could be fun"!

-

but ohhhhhh xl's inability to come up with anything to say about why he should be worshipped, when the villagers ask him about his shrine! this is what you need hua cheng for!! xl might be chill about many things but it's because his self esteem is in the basement

-

oh man thinking from hua cheng's perspective about this meeting between him as san lang and xie lian, it's so cute. He looks languid and carefree on the other side of the cart, seems to only start talking with xie lian out of boredom, but you KNOW how carefully he orchestrated this meeting!!! (him and his attractive legs in tight-fitting boots, which he absolutely chose to make sure he looked good for dianxia)

-

I've been wondering for a while already just how early on xie lian figured out the identities of fu yao and nan feng, but now I also need to remember to pay attention to how early I think he figured out san lang's identity! If he knows it right from the start, it's pretty cheeky of him to be questioning him so thoroughly about hua cheng :P

-

awwwwww interacting with san lang is the first time in centuries xie lian feels really embarrassed!! because san lang's good opinion actually matters to him!

-

CHAPTER SEVEN

I love how Xie Lian is already so sure that San Lang is going to be sticking around, that he's not just a transient part of Xie Lian's life. And throughout the chapter it's so clear how Xie Lian just likes San Lang so much!!!

he does his due diligence by testing sl and so forth, but doesn't let that stop him from simply liking and trusting sl regardless, and enjoying his mean streak too lol

-

and San Lang has such swagger, I love it. He makes it look like he couldn't enter the shrine with the seal on the curtain-door, but actually he just wanted the opportunity to flex. He's just like constantly showing off in this chapter, and making it clear that he doesn't care about anything except Xie Lian

-

Anyway it's time for the intro of the next plot arc, Banyue Pass, now that the ghost groom is resolved. Nan Feng and Fu Yao are sooo uncomfortable with the fact they're volunteering to help - whether it's bc of the specific mission or bc it's to help Xie Lian is unclear, but could well be both!

Also it's clear to me that nan feng and fu yao recognize san lang & vice versa and they're all mad about it. Xie Lian's uphill battle to get them to peacefully coexist begins!

-

One question I had was that earlier it seemed evident that Puqi Shrine was named after the fact that the villagers gave Xie Lian water chestnuts, but now apparently the village is named Puqi, so is the shrine just named after the village after all?

-

First mention of state preceptor Fangxin! If I'm remembering right, this is actually Xie Lian. Love the way that the complex parts of xl's history get seeded in from so early on without, like, making it clear what the actual situation is. This happens a lot in the book iirc, with things being casually referred to early on and then later when you get into it there's like a whole well of trauma for xl!

-

and one final small observation. xl's perspective on his own cooking: "unable to bear the sight of such a tragedy" ahahahaha

-

CHAPTER EIGHT

the ongoing attempts to unmask San Lang are sooooo funny

it reminds me a bit of the sort of fairy tale involving endless tests to try to prove that a character is actually a woman dressed as a man, which the character always passes easily but the testers are never convinced. same vibe!

-

the captain/general the stele is remembering is a guy who tried to keep civilians from being killed in war. this is very like the teenage Xie Lian wanting to save the common people! and Fu Yao criticises the captain's actions, which xl both expects and doesn't seem happy about :( though he doesn't say anything against Fu Yao

-

and then San Lang cheers Xie Lian up (who had been feeling "a bit woeful") by being mischievous and by convincing the merchants to prostrate before the stele! ahhh I love how attentive sl is, and how much he knows just what to do for xl!

-

and then San Lang's REACTION to xl being stung - and stung because xl was trying to protect sl! "the expression on the youth's face was /off/" and then the vibes remain off balance for the rest of the chapter and xl is toootally bewildered. what could have upset San Lang, xl???? what could it POSSIBLY have been?? don't strain yourself too hard in wondering!!

-

anyway I do not remember lots of what happens next in this particular arc, except BEEFLEAF and also chekov's pit of snakes, so I'm looking forward to reacquainting myself with the rest of it as we continue!

-

CHAPTER NINE

To start, I do not love the othering framing the narrative uses to discuss the Banyue people and language, which from what I understand ties into common stereotypes in China about northern people groups. Huge dark-skinned people who are beast-like, and the language is "ghastly, guttural, and heavy with tongue rolling." Not great.

-

xie lian your trauma is showing again 😭

[He stepped forward and said in a small voice, "Don't worry. If anything happens, I will go forward first." Xie Lian thought that if they all must fall, he might as well be the first one to check things out. It couldn't be worse than venomous snakes and beasts or menacing ghosts. He couldn't die from the fall, from getting beaten, from bites, or from poison. As long as it wasn't lava or fire, or some pool of corpse-dissolving water, it shouldn't be too terrible when he jumped down.]

-

San Lang continuing to act way too unbothered, then coolly throwing himself into the pit -- at first it seems to accomplish what xl wanted to do but couldn't (keep the mortals from having to be thrown in first) but then it becomes clear that sl is fully aware of how likely xl is to end up in the pit in short order and wants to be in there first to clean up the mess and CATCH XIE LIAN. (and then xl immediately jumps in after sl, no thoughts present, so good work there sl)

-

hahaha xl, head empty, taking the opportunity to feel sl up. and then he gets the opportunity to feel awkward for the first time in centuries. sl has inspired him to rediscover embarrassment!

[Maybe it was because the stench of blood here at the bottom of the pit was heavy and disorienting. Who knew what was going through Xie Lian's head, but his hands continued to roam upward until he reached a strong, hard Adam's apple. He snapped out of it in shock and immediately reprimanded himself, withdrawing his hands.]

-

ahh xl just finds everything about sl so attractive

["Don't worry about him," San Lang said, still holding Xie Lian tight. he made a small sidestep and spun around. In the dark, Xie Lian heard a series of fine clinking sounds: pleasant to the ear, clear and intense, swishing here and there.]

-

xl is sooooo not used to someone taking care of him!!!

["Why can't I get down?" Xie Lian asked in spite of himself. This guy couldn't possibly enjoy fighting while carrying someone, could he? He didn't need to go that far to look down on his opponent, did he? San Lang's answer was only two words: "It's dirty." "..." Xie Lian had never imagined that would be the answer -- and said with such seriousness too. He thought it was a little funny, but it also made him feel inexplicably strange, his chest growing slightly warm for some reason.]

-

and then xie lian and san lang's conversation after kemo is defeated!!!!! xl's main concern: making sure sl is safe in the future. sl's main concern: xl judging him for showing irrefutable proof that sl's not actually human. to the degree that sl actually prompts xl with a question about it because he's SO confused that xl isn't concerned!! SAN LANG!!!

-

Our first encounter with someone xl knew during his time of banishment in the mortal world! Poor Banyue had a rough childhood.

(but also: Banyue kingdom's state preceptor has the same name as the kingdom? Why was she named that? It does allow for xie lian to not realize until now who the state preceptor is, because he thinks people are referring to her by the kingdom she's state preceptor for, rather than by what her name is, but it's weird to me that she'd be named that?)

-

I had forgotten that xl was actually the general-captain of the memorial marker from the cave in chapter 8! I went back to reread the scene where the captain's story is told and xl's reactions are very illuminating in light of this knowledge. He's not just identifying with the captain for also being a person who wants to save everyone; he IS the captain

-

"around two hundred years ago, due to certain reasons, Xie Lian couldn't muck around in the east anymore and decided to stay out of sight for a while." HMMM I'll look forward to being reminded later of what those certain reasons were! Gonna guess: one of the various other horrible traumatic experiences from his past that he doesn't like thinking about.

-

or actually - does anyone know of a good resource that lists out all the relevant events xl's life in chronological order, unlike the reveals of backstory that happen in all kinds of different orders in the book?

-

CHAPTER TEN

Now that we are at the end of it, I feel like one of the main themes in the Banyue arc is about how much the heavenly court sucks. Which like. YEAH. and WHO'S ALLOWING that unpleasant culture to flourish, hmmm jun wu?!??

(context for the third quote is that Xie Lian is worried the Wind Master will put all the blame on Preceptor Banyue to protect Pei Jr)

["I knew that for close to two hundred years there was something causing havoc, but none of the heavenly officials cared, and no one dared speak of it. So there had to be someone no one wanted to offend keeping this scandal under wraps."]

[The Upper Court wouldn't bat an eyelash at something like this; everyone needed to spill some blood if they wanted to do great things. But slaughtering a city wasn't anything glorious, after all. If the story spread too far, it would affect the number of new believers, so of course there would be some cover-ups after ascension.]

[Xie Lian relaxed. "Much ashamed! I was suspicious." "It's normal to be suspicious," the Wind Master said. "There's certainly an unpleasant culture in the Upper Court, after all."]

-

The other thing this arc is about is solving a mystery from hundreds of years ago, and relitigating the past between ghosts and gods. Do I see thematic foreshadowing? :D

-

I love seeing Xie Lian get his first new human believer! and telling the kid his title is the Scrap Immortal - but taking so much convincing to give any name at all, and telling it in the narrative in such a sideways way that it took me a moment to realise what was even meant, lol. xl has Issues around being worshipped

-

and then of course I LOVE the name reveal at the end of the chapter. it's so them!!!!

[He turned to look at the youth next to him and smiled cheerfully. "He's not hungry, how about you?" San Lang smiled cheerfully back. "I'm starving." Xie Lian grinned and stood up again, before turning around and casually tidying the altar table. "All right, then. What do you want to eat, Hua Cheng?" Behind him, there was silence. Then chuckling. "I still prefer the name 'San Lang.'"]

-

but my favourite thing about this chapter is that BEEFLEAF ARE INTRODUCED. Hiiiiiiii beefleaf my beloved! Cannot wait to watch that spiral out in the way it inevitably must

-

CHAPTER ELEVEN

I did my reading last night for #TGCFReadAlong for this week, but what I did was take pics of the sections of text that I had thoughts and feelings about and wrote zero notes....so I am going to have to formulate my thoughts into something coherent now

-

In this chapter we got to explore a bit more about Xie Lian's current feelings about himself back when he was still the god-pleasing crown prince! Between his feelings about being called "Your Highness," his embarrassment at having told someone to make himself that person's reason for living, and how he reacts to the idea that he used to have as his goal in life to save the common people....it's a lot.

-

But I appreciate that Hua Cheng pushes back on all of these! hc calls xl "Your Highness" in complete sincerity, and tells xl that his goal was a good goal, and that it is not embarrassing for xl to be someone's reason for living. hc is just like: "you're worthy of being admired!" without ever coming on too strong about it.

-

It's interesting though - xie lian has complicated feelings he doesn't want to look at about Hua Cheng calling him "Your Highness" in earnest, but he flat out does not want Banyue to do the same thing.

(also, shout out to Ling Wen for not making a thing in any direction out of xie lian's title! she calls him your highness simply because that's his title and then moves on with things.)

-

can't not point out more content in my "heaven sucks!!!" agenda

[Hua Cheng replied quietly, "They're heavenly officials. Mortals are nothing but ants in their eyes."]

-

also my hualian being cute agenda!

[That's not necessarily true," Hua Chen said. "Besides, you can always kick me out." Xie Lian replied, "You're so powerful. Even if I kicked you out now, if you really wanted to do something bad, wouldn't you just change your skin and come back?" The two met eyes and grinned.]

[If anything must be blamed, it would have to be the look on Hua Cheng's face, like he was welcoming Xie Lian to test it out himself. Without thinking, Xie Lian raised a finger and poked Hua Cheng's face. After poking, Xie Lian snapped back to himself in shock, yelping /Oh no!/ in his head. He was only curious to see what a supreme Ghost King's fake skin would feel like, but apparently, his body moved faster than his mind and poked him! How extremely outrageous of him! To have someone suddenly poke him, Hua Cheng looked somewhat shocked too, but he was always calm and collected, so his expression cleared instantly. He didn't say anything, but his arched brow raised even higher, as if waiting for Xie Lian to explain. The laughter in his eyes was apparent. of course Xie Lian couldn't explain himself. He looked at his own finger then hid it away, betraying nothing of his thoughts. "...Not bad." Hua Cheng finally burst out laughing, and he crossed his arms with his head tilted. "What's not bad? Do you mean this skin?"]

[Xie Lian was thunderstruck. He flipped over and curled into a shrimp, wishing for another pair of arms so he could cover both his face and his ears. He groaned. "...San Lang..."]

-

I didn't quite understand this bit though - why does hua cheng laugh in response to xie lian's reassurances about hc's appearance?

["...Well, we're sort of friends now, right? So if we're friends, then we should be honest with each other. My wanting to see your true appearance has nothing to do with how you look. You asked what I would do, but of course I won't do anything. Don't worry, as long as it's your real face, I'm sure I'll... Why are you laughing? I'm being serious." When Xie Lian reached the last part, he could feel the youth next to him shaking. He froze for a moment, and thought, /Are my words so moving that he's touched like this?/ and was too embarrassed to turn around to see. But after a while, the soft laughter from next to him very obviously leaked out. Xie Lian felt rather deflated and placed a hand on his shoulder to give it a little push.]

-

and then we end with the RING!!!!!

[merlinsbudgiesmugglers]

Giving In

The last of the Tedromeda for a little while until I can finish some of the WIPs I have for them.

Their first time, non-explicit.

Read on AO3

The first time Andromeda Black kisses him, Ted is convinced that his Nan was right because heaven surely exists.

It’s been a few weeks since he found Andromeda in the beer garden at The White Lion, but they haven’t had the chance to talk about that night. He’s been on night shifts for a few weeks, meaning the most he’s seen of her is brief glimpses as they pass in the lobby.

He runs into Nora in line at the tea room one evening, who explains that Andromeda’s experiment for her Fellowship is at a crucial stage, and she barely leaves the lab, working long hours testing her potion, making changes and testing again.

But somehow she’s never there when he drops by.

He puts it down to bad timing and tries not to think over every tiny detail of that night. Tries not to wonder if he said something wrong, or did something wrong. Something that’s making her avoid him.

Luckily it’s been busy the last few weeks, in the lead-up to Christmas people get too drunk at the work Christmas do, or they try to put up their own decorations on the roof without safety spells, or chop down their own trees, resulting in a higher-than-normal accident rate. He’s been dashing from patient to patient all shift, just to keep on top of things.

It’s nearing midnight when he finally manages to get off the ward, the last of a group of lads who had drunk some nearly lethal eggnog finally discharged and sent home, and heads to the locker room.

Where he finds Andromeda sitting on the worn out couch that had probably been there for decades, eyes closed and breathing deeply, wearing a Muggle dress instead of her usual lavender Researcher robes.

‘Wotcher?’ He says softly, not sure if she is asleep or not, but her eyes fly open and when she spots him her face lights up instantly. She rises, crossing the room quickly to grab his arms.

‘It works!’ She’s bouncing on her toes, smiling up at him expectantly, but seeing his confused look she elaborates. ‘My potion! It’s reducing the symptoms of Fwooper’s Cough. It works!’ 

Her experiment, what she’s been working towards for months, the one thing that is the entire reason for her fellowship. 

‘Seriously?’

Andromeda nods, still bouncing on her toes, seemingly unable to keep still in her excitement. Ted gently squeezes her arm with a grin. ‘Congratulations.’ He says earnestly.

She’s looking up at him, her bright smile turning to something softer as she stills. ‘Thank you.’ 

They both fall quiet and Ted finds himself running his hand slowly down her arm, his eyes following the path it traces along her skin. Andromeda takes a step towards him, her head tilting back as she looks up at him. It would be so easy to lean down and capture her lips with his. He bends his head, his nose brushing against hers.

A sharp wail breaks through the silence, a patient alarm going off somewhere on the floor, and it’s enough to bring them back to reality. She steps back quickly and Ted clears his throat, closing his eyes as he turns to his locker. Stupid , he thinks to himself.

‘How about you buy me a drink to celebrate?’ 

He pauses in pulling his robes over his head and glances back over his shoulder at her. She’s the picture of innocence, but he gets the feeling that she’s up to something.

He turns back to his locker and pulls off his robes, leaving him in his jeans. ‘It’s after midnight on a Monday, every where's already called last drinks.’ He says over his shoulder.

‘Oh.’ He hears faintly from behind him as he pulls on a clean shirt.  ‘Well, couldn’t we go back to your place?’ 

Ted stops with his bag halfway out of his locker. His heart is pounding so loudly now that he is sure she can hear it across the room. His mind races with the possibilities, but he doesn't dare hope.

She stepped away.

‘We could.’ He says slowly, and when he turns she’s watching him with an infuriatingly unreadable expression. ‘If you want to.’

‘I want to.’ She says lightly, but it feels falsely casual and he feels like she’s getting exactly what she wants. It would just be nice if he knew what that was.

They head to the apparition point, and she chatters to him about the final changes she needed to make to get her potion to work and the next steps for her fellowship. Ted’s not a bad hand at potions, it’s a requirement to become a healer after all, but she’s on an entirely different level. Most of what she’s saying goes over his head, but he’s happy listening to her.

At the apparition point, she takes his arm, pressing closer than is necessarily required for side-along and once again he feels like this is all a part of a plan that he hasn’t been clued in on. He is surrounded by a floral scent, her perfume maybe, or her shampoo, and for the first time in a while has to concentrate hard on the three D’s. 

They land in the little laneway near his flat and Andromeda looks completely out of place as they step out into the rundown street. Ted’s sure she’s never stepped foot in East London before tonight and he resists the urge to apologise for it. He leads her into his building, locking the front door quietly behind them so they don’t wake Mrs Crankshaw, his downstairs neighbour. 

They head up the narrow staircase, and Andromeda is still watching him with that unreadable expression that is driving him mad while he unlocks the door to his flat, opening it up and standing aside so she can enter first.

As he follows her in, a wave of his wand lights the small lamp on his bedside table and he sets his bag down by the door, locking it behind him. He watches her as she takes in his small, one-room flat. The lumpy sofa he found on the street and bribed his mates with beer to help him carry it upstairs, the tiny dining table with one chair shoved into the corner next to the kitchenette. The only other door which leads to the bathroom next to his bed that’s pushed up under the window.

He looks away quickly, clearing his throat and trying not to remember every fantasy he has had about her in his flat. Her short skirt isn’t helping, but his Mum and his Nan raised him to be a gentleman.

Instead, he moves to the kitchenette, pulling out two glasses. ‘I’ve only got Scotch.’ He says. His back is to her, but he feels her turn towards him. He can feel her watching him.

‘That’s fine.’ 

He pours the drinks and hands one to her. She accepts it with a small smile, clinking her glass against his.

They drink in silence, watching each other carefully. Eventually, it’s too much and he breaks the silence with the question that’s been on his mind since he found her in the locker room.

‘Aren’t your folks wondering where you are?’

A dangerous gleam fills her eyes, one that matches the Cheshire grin on her face. ‘I told them I’d be working all night.’ That too-casual lilt is back in her voice, but this time it has an edge to it, one he thinks he should be wary of.

Ted watches as she contemplates the Scotch, swirling the glass elegantly. ‘Andromeda.’ He says, his voice low. ‘What are you doing?’

She laughs softly to herself before she looks back up at him. She holds his gaze, dark eyes pinning him in place. ‘Breaking the rules.’ 

Her eyes stay on him as she brings the glass to her lips, her neck tilting back elegantly as she swallows the last of the drink and his fingers itch with the sudden urge to reach for her, to press his lips to her neck, to find out if her skin tastes as glorious as it does in his dreams.

Instead, he downs the rest of his own drink and takes her glass, careful not to brush his fingers against hers, the fragile tension in the room feels like it will break with the smallest touch and he doesn’t know what will happen if it does. He leaves the glasses on the kitchenette and retreats to the arm of the sofa, leaning against it to try and put some distance between them.

She stays infuriatingly still, watching him the entire time. It feels like the air is shimmering between them, waiting for a spark to light them both In the dim light, he sees her eyes flick to the bed behind him. He doesn’t dare turn and follow her gaze, he feels frozen, waiting for her to decide what will happen.

He knows he will do whatever she asks.

Her gaze drags back to him, and after a moment, she closes the small distance between them, moving slowly, purposefully, hypnotising him with each step. Ted’s heart pounds loudly again as she reaches out, resting her hand lightly against his neck. His breath is heavy as he drags his eyes up to meet hers, only to find her looking at his lips. 

‘Can I kiss you?’ 

He nods.

Finally, after more than a year of wanting this, of dreaming about this, her lips descend on his.

The first kiss is gentle. A barely-there brush of her lips against his. But even with this first, soft taste, he knows it will never be enough. 

He opens his mouth under hers, deepening the kiss as he stands, wrapping an arm around her waist and pulling her to him, relishing in her soft curves as they press against him. She gasps softly against his mouth and it drives him wild. Every sound he draws from her somehow makes him want her more, which he didn’t think was possible.

He drags his fingers down her back, the fabric of her dress giving way to the smooth skin of her thigh. Moving his hand up and under the skirt of her dress, he easily finds the perfect curve of her arse, his fingertips brushing lace. 

But Andromeda pulls back, panting as she breaks their kiss. His eyes are half closed and his lips follow hers instinctively, but before they find hers again, she speaks. ‘I don’t…I’ve never.’ She takes a breath and won’t quite meet his eye. ‘I haven’t done this before.’

It takes a moment for what she’s saying to break through the fog that’s clouding his mind, a long moment where all Ted can do is blink at her, but as soon as he realises what she means, he steps back, hands clenching at his side as they leave her body. ‘It’s ok,’ he tells, ‘We can stop.’

He won’t push her. Christ, this night has already been more than he had ever dared hope for. He opens his mouth to reassure her, but she’s shaking her head, reaching for him, stepping back into his arms and pressing her body against his. ‘I want this. Just…show me what to do.’

So he shows her.

It’s better than anything he ever dared dream.

Afterwards, when they’re curled together, still breathing heavily and Ted can’t quite believe what’s just happened, Andromeda looks up from where her head is resting on his chest.

‘Was it good for you too?’ She asks quietly.

He shoots her a disbelieving look, a shocked laugh bubbling from his throat. ‘I can definitely say it was.’ She grins again and he gently rolls her onto her back. ‘Stay here a moment.’ He tells her, hopping up to duck into the bathroom, he washes up quickly before grabbing a washcloth and running it under warm water.

Back in bed, he gently cleans her skin, making her blush. ‘Ted, you don’t have to.’ She protests, reaching for the washcloth.

But he smirks at her. ‘I always clean up my messes, sweetheart.’ He jokes, dropping a kiss to the clean skin of her thigh as she giggles.

Throwing the washcloth through the open bathroom door, he crawls back up her body, kissing her softly before laying beside her, wrapping her in his arms and pulling her into his chest.

It’s just when he’s beginning to drift off that she speaks. ‘I should go.’ She says softly.

‘No.’ He says selfishly, tightening his hold on her, wanting to keep her with him.

But she’s already untangling herself from his arms, dragging the sheet with her to keep herself covered as she slides out of bed. Spotting her bra and pants she collects them from the floor. ‘I need to get home.’ 

He doesn’t know what to say, so he watches as she pulls a pair of robes out of her bag. ‘Mirror?’ She asks, and he points her to the bathroom.

He climbs out of bed, finding his own discarded pants and pulling them on. When she comes out of the bathroom she’s dressed in the robes and her hair is pinned perfectly. She looks every part the perfect Pureblood daughter.

Ted hates it.

‘Are you sure you have to go?’ She gives him a sad smile, and steps close to him, one hand pressing against his bare chest as she stands on her toes to kiss him. It feels like a goodbye.

‘Thank you.’ She says, and he hates the finality of it. 

With a wave of her wand, Andromeda’s dress flies from where it lay, rumpled on the floor, neatly folding itself into her purse. Realising she’s about to leave, Ted picks up his jeans. ‘I’ll walk you to the laneway.’

‘I’ll be fine.’ She says.

‘It’s a rough part of London…’ He starts, but she holds her wand up pointedly.

‘I’ll be fine, Ted.’ She says firmly. He nods dumbly. He wants to ask her to let him know when she gets home safe, but he doesn’t have a fireplace and by the time an owl gets here he’ll be seeing her at work.

‘Be safe.’ He says, feeling a bit hopeless as he follows her to the door. She throws him a sweet smile.

And then she’s gone, leaving Ted to lock the door behind her and turn to his flat.

It’s never felt so empty before.

[coconutcows]

Hey Rebecca. I don't really know you and you don't know me. But please don't take your life. I don't know your situation. But I know what it feels like when everything seems pointless. But even if there really is no one around you right now who would miss you or it feels like there is no reason to keep going, that doesn't mean that can't change one day. Imagine the people you could meet in the future. The things you could see and experience. Don't take that possibility away from yourself. I can't tell you everything will work out. But I can tell you that doing it would take away the possibility of everything working out. You made it this far. You can keep going. I believe in you.

Hello!!! I’m sorry I’ve taken a bit to respond to this I’ve had a couple busy days and a few miserable days, but I really appreciate you sending this to me. I assume you saw my post, although idk how you did, but my issues just run really deep and I’m not sure what to do. I’m putting a bunch under the cut to not dash stretch.

I’ve been trying my best for years and nothing works out for me. That sounds like an exaggeration like people say when they just can’t see any positives but any time anything goes well for me something happens to screw everything up. I have some examples but if I listed those this would be a mile long. But basically my entire world has been swiftly destroyed in the past three months or so.

The thought of meeting new people and experiences is a nice one and I appreciate the positive attitude but the thought makes me feel sick. People tend not to like me much even if I do nothing to them, and experiences just seem to get more out of reach every day for multiple reasons. I don’t have many opportunities anyway, nor do I have the brainpower to plot a path of any kind.

I can’t hold a job because they all end up causing me immense mental distress and there’s no financial assistance that actually makes a difference here (just programs that give you what’s essentially pocket change towards bills and groceries while rushing you to find a job any job) and any job options are limited here to begin with. There’s very little hope for general financial improvement here anytime soon. I don’t think I have the talent or mental strength to try commissions.

Everything that made me look towards the future, that made me feel capable of anything is just gone now. I only have three friends and they get along just fine without me. They’d miss me if I was gone maybe but they’d get along just fine as well. I have my parents but they were a cause towards these issues back when I was a teen so i’ve already gotten over most of the guilt on that front. I know they’d be super upset but they wouldn’t have to worry about me anymore.

If I go through with it I won’t exactly be taking my own life. I plan on waiting until MAID gets expanded to include mental illness since the lovely Canadian Government also thinks disabled and mentally ill people should just be able to choose to die instead of scraping by on their meager assistance. That way I can arrange for anyone who wants to spend time with me before I go to do so.

All I hear is that I need to take care of myself, love myself etc etc etc, but I honestly can’t remember ever even liking myself so how am I supposed to get to that point? Besides I lost all the progress I’d made towards that goal over the past five years. I just really don’t know what to do at this point tbh, I just want to give up.

Anyways, if you or anybody else read all this thanks. Thanks if you care, and thanks for the chance to vent. I’ll make a post in the future if I get some stuff cleared up in case anyone genuinely wants to know what happened. Or people can ask, I’ll answer if I’m comfortable or able to.

[rammgender]

[ID: A screenshot of a set of Tumblr tags, that say "#This was the reason to delete my coining blog lol #probably I am rlly bad at english and also I was new to the community #so at first I really didn't get for what those IDs are #I tried do them anyway but I was too stupid for it #after seeing posts like this I deleted my blog due to anxiety #maybe normal posts about IDs don't get that much attention so only agressive mess pops out #in conclusion if you're not a native english speaker with internet acces 24/7 #running a coining blog isn't really for you". /End ID.]

ok re: the previous tags on this, i'm genuinely sorry that posts like this made you so anxious that you deleted your blog (i really do understand, i get that way about certain things that cross my dash), but that is not the point of the post at all. also the rest of this is not mad at you at all, just trying to explain myself further.

image ids are important, yes, but i also understand they can be incredibly hard to write, especially if you don't know how to describe things. that's why there's lots of blogs that are willing to help out! @accessmogai and @mogai-transcriber to shout out a few :]

this post in particular was not about image ids specifically for the reason that there's conflicting needs there! some people genuinely cannot write ids, and i think they should be pointed to people who will help out rather than being shamed!

this post was about people who type in the different fonts on the site, use colored text, put a bunch of copy/paste symbols in for aesthetic, and type using quirks capitalizing or putting in lowercase random letters, stuff like that. that's all stuff that takes more time and effort in the first place than just writing a plain coining post, and at this point seems to be entirely out of spite considering the amount of initially kind anon asks that have been sent to them!

and it's really frustrating! because i, even as someone without visual impairment (besides like... needing glasses), can't even read these posts! so many people have left the community entirely because these blogs refuse to do the simple thing of keeping their posts accessible and instead continue to add all sorts of inaccessible fluff just for the aesthetic

and if you aren't a native english speaker/struggle with phrasing/etc. you're still very welcome in the community! your experiences should be shared, and you shouldn't have to feel excluded from being a coiner for any reason. if there's things you want help with, again, there's lots of blogs dedicated to doing just that!

anyway ^ hope this cleared things up and that the addition doesn't come off as too harsh or blunt

ok. i'm genuinely so fucking sick and tired of being nice about this and not saying anything. evidently it seems the people who try to be nice about this are just ignored, and this is seriously a massive issue with our community.

this is a not super kindly worded message to every single coiner who uses heavy typing quirks, excessive amounts of spaces, colored text, ascii symbols, and what have you especially when there's no translations or the translations are hidden under a cut or at the end of a post.

have a fucking sliver of respect for visually impaired people. please. your coining posts are entirely inaccessible to those who need screenreaders, and half the time even i'm struggling to read them without needing one. i've seen at least 5 posts about this in the last few months and there has been zero change. in fact, i think even more blogs who use this format have popped up!

so fix it. your passive ableism is not fucking cutesy and fun in the slightest. no excuses, especially since typing in plain text is significantly faster.

and if this post makes you upset, you should really re-evaluate how inclusive you actually are.

[wennjunhui]

map of the soul 7 album review

told yall id be back to yell about this

i’ll only be voicing my thoughts about the new tracks. bolded tracks are songs i found to be standouts! 

interlude shadow: 

suga showing why he owns the kpop industry again. its not an everyday listen for me, but that doesn’t take away from its quality. its probably making it into my emo boi hours rotation. i liked the little reference to home. the tone shift at the end got me SHOOKETH tho like DAMN FUCK ME UP

black swan: 

fuck yall i really want an instrumental version of this song because honestly it sounds so beautiful? or maybe an instrumental version of the mv version bc jesus i love this backing. otherwise, its not really for me. i can see myself getting tired of this song really easily, and sometimes it feels like it drags on for too long. 

filter: 

ok i know this latin inspired sound is really in right now and its everywhere but DAMN it sounds so good here. jimin sounds so freaking good with this type of seductive sound and it just fits him so freaking well??? also i really like the message of this song? i think this type of genre really adds to the desperation for attention its trying to convey. top tier song easily one of my favorites of this album

my time: 

im gonna be honest, this really isn’t my kind of song. like its almost there for me?? like its so freaking close, but this chorus just isn’t my thing at all. the verses i can get behind (kinda reminds me of dean a little which im here for), but this chorus is just so not there for me. the use of finna is also kinda cringey for me and its making not take this song seriously at all. 

louder than bombs: 

this is a movie/tv show soundtrack and you can’t change my mind. this is BIG ruelle vibes and i am HERE for it. you can really hear the troye sivan influence too in the chorus. like i swear i can here troye singing this chorus so easily. with that being said, i really wish there was something more? i dont think the chorus hits enough, but otherwise i like it!

on: 

ok but we been knew this song is so hype. lowkey dont know why sia was featured on this track she doesn’t really contribute much?? she sings like 2 lines and i’m just really confused why she didn’t feature more (feel free to correct me here i was skipping around so i mightve just missed it). more thoughts on the song/mv here.

ugh:

ok i really want to like this, but damn as an ace this chorus makes me so goddamn uncomfortable like damn stop grunting in my ears this is GROSS. besides that, i’m down for the verse/pre chorus. the gunshots i was not expecting??? like thats also why i dont wanna listen to this on the speaker bc thats FRIGHTENING but at the same time my ears feel violated if i listen via earbuds/headset. basically i 20% like it, 80% wish it would get FAR AWAY FROM ME

00:00 zero o’clock:

it’s pretty~ probably making it in my emo boi hours rotation. but otherwise it wasn’t anything immediately ear catching. i hate its placement in this album tho? like right after ugh?? like i cant concentrate on this song bc im still distracted by everything that happened in ugh, and thats such a shame bc i would really like to but its not happening :///

inner child: 

ITS EMO HOURS THEY ARE OFFICIALLY OPENNNNNNNN yall i listened to this in the middle of class and that was a MISTAKE because i just started SHEDDING PHAT TEARS HOLY SHIT. i wasnt even reading the lyrics i just fucking felt everything and wow im getting emo just typing this again. these lyrics are so fucking meaningful too and im starting to cry just thinking about it OOF. v’s solos are honestly some of my favorite tracks ever that bts has put out, and this song is no exception. he sings with such emotion and puts so much thought and care into his music and its honestly so admirable and meaningful. like damn my bias is really here doing this. also pretty much everything about this song is my song aesthetic???????? like this is an 12/10 song. definitely just sprung to the top of my favorite bts songs

friends:

DID SOMEONE SAY VMIN????? FUCK YALL this friendship is the CUTEST PUREST THING EVERRRR i genuinely love and admire this friendship so much like shit dude this is just pure emo hours. FUCKING CALLING EACH OTHER SOULMATES AND EVERYTHING GOD DAMMIT IM EMO. otherwise, musically it doesn’t grab my attention too much. it’s a nice listen, but nothing extremely noteworthy. but am i still gonna cry at the lyrics???? every single fucking time you bet your ass i am

moon:

YES JIN POP OFFFFFFFFFFF this songs cute as fuck yall. i can tell the more i listen to it the more i’ll love it. idk i dont have much to say im just vibin with it and honestly? i love that

respect:

another cute song that represents their friendship and i am HERE for it. love the little nod the epilouge young forever too. in terms of music genre, not really my sound i go for. i can still see myself listening to it tho, probably just not often

we are bulletproof: the eternal

you know i was expecting another go-hard song like the previous two we are bulletproofs so i was kinda sad when it didn’t happen, but this songs still really pretty. i think this song gets more meaningful when you listen with the lyrics, because thats really when the feels hit hard. otherwise, by itself it didn’t intrigue me as much as i wanted. but its still gonna wind up in my emo hours rotation bc im still emo listening to it so it all gucci

outro: ego

THIS BROUGHT ME BACK TO 2013 YALL BRUH WHEN IT FIRST STARTED TEARS STARTED COMINGGGGG ok but this songs so freaking cute and happy and you know what? i needed that. bc this album is emo as FUCK and i want a happy song and thank you jung hoseok for delivering that to me. also the mv is adorable and i uwued very much

remember that this is all just my opinion and you are allowed to disagree! i’d love to talk more about anything with you guys so don’t be afraid to reply/message/drop an ask!

[soulrph]

For OCs, like when is is mandatory to like everyones OC? Some people have very stupid character backgrounds or it's literally just themself in cartoon form. The worst being a child of their favorite ship. I mean all to them for doing what makes them happy, but that doesn't mean we have to like it. Not everyone is creative or talented to make a good OC. Its like the saying: everyone can make art but not everyone can be an artist. Anyone can create a character, but not all of them are going to be good. Suck it up, don't get offended when you get criticism and keep practicing. Whether you asked for criticism or not is irrelevant, if you put something you made out for the public to see that's what you're going to get. If you don't like it go hide in a hole.

nonnie, i was going to delete this, but i want to give the same level of respect to anyone who enters my inbox, so here we go. further messages of this sort will be deleted, though, because nobody has time for this, and i'd hate to waste any nonnie's time.

you can substitute the word "OC" for "canon character" throughout that entire rant you just placed in my inbox. i know this isn't intentional. i also know that's what makes it funnier still.

nobody is actually demanding that you like all oc's, though. in fact, if i recall correctly, the message conveyed is that OCs and canons are actually one and the same in terms of structure and delivery. the beauty of your response is not only that you failed to read the message, but also that you somehow designed an entirely false narrative to be angry about. it's like when you're constructing an argument in your head in the shower. nobody said that you had to love all OCs, but god bless you, you made a powerful argument to ensure that we understood that you wouldn't!

now. in response to other arguments that you made, again, arguments that were based in your own head and not actually contradicting anything in that psa, i simply won't entertain an argument. there are stupid canons also. canons that obey the very guidelines that you resent. but you mightn't be ready to have that conversation just yet, so we'll continue on!

because, my love, once again, nobody actually told you to love all OCs. this is a fact. the post only highlights that the boundary between original and canon characters is non-existent. this is a fact. the purpose of that post is to try and offer insight to misguided individuals who believe that OC creators have something to prove in the RPC in order to be a part of it. more to the point, to convey a message to those that think that the members of this community are somehow lesser than them, and demand that they somehow perform to a higher standard just to be worthy of one bigoted individual's acceptance.

this is a fact.

i'll conclude now because i have to go make a billion OCs to force you to love. kidding! (after all, haven't we already clarified that nobody asked you to love all ocs?)

but i will conclude now because i think we both know i won't be able to say anything to change your mind. it's fine. your anonymity tells me far more than your message did!

regardless of my tone, nonnie, i do hope you have a good day. go outside. touch some grass. look after yourself. maybe step away from the dash? reread that post, because unless i became hopelessly illiterate, it doesn't present any message that deserves this confused response.

anyway! take care! drink some water if you like! i'd hate to tell you what to do!

[lazzledazzler]

Lazzle's Rune Factory 5 Review

Alright so here are my thoughts and experiences with RF5! This is a big boy so buckle in earthmates...

Obviously this review will contain spoilers, read at your own risk.

Initial thoughts upon playing...

Great opening! I enjoyed the jazz music~ I did feel like it leaned a bit more towards the male player though. It definitely feels like a rune factory game. It's familiar, and controls are easy to get accustomed to for the most part. The mold is there and rf5 doesn't stray too far from its predecessors which is comforting for veterans. That being said, I'm not going to pull any punches and will critique this game harshly. Keep in mind as updates for the game are released not all things discussed in this review will be as relevant overtime!

Let's hear some thoughts on...

The story/plot. The plot is enjoyable overall. I'm not crazy about the whole Seed organization thing but it was a neat idea. They address the Sechs Territory and it is confirmed that the game takes place some decades after RF4. But by the end of it, I didn't feel like I really accomplished anything because it felt like I barely did anything really. Also they left a lot of stuff unanswered. I'm not even sure I understood the message they were sending, if they were trying to send a message at all. The main story is too short, and it doesn't involve enough of the townsfolk. You're basically doing everything yourself in secret the whole time and the townsfolk barely know what's actually going on. Out of the love interests, Lucas plays the largest part in the story, followed by Priscilla and Scarlett. The story feels targeted at male audiences--at least that's how I felt. You, the player, have a larger role in the game, much like in RF3 and I was glad to see this. As of right now there are only two arcs. Praying for DLC 3rd arc...!

Protagonists. The latest protagonists to join the crew of Earthmates are...decent. Their designs are nothing special unfortunately, though I appreciate Alice's more than Ares's. Appearance-wise they lack personality and creativity. Personality wise I am pleasantly surprised with how sociable they are. They're not exactly quick witted and sassy like Lest/Frey were in rf4, or as endearing as Micah in rf3, but they have a certain realness to them that makes their reactions to things believable. I'm certain Xseed will see to making them a bit more sarcastic in their localizing efforts, so let's all look forward to that. Overall though, while I appreciate their mannerisms, they don't really measure up to all the previous amnesiacs we've grown to love over the decades.

Characters. Overall I enjoy all the characters introduced in Rune Factory 5! I feel like there is someone for everyone in this game on some level. The voice acting was pretty good for every character. The designs are very much Rune factory. Like OG runefa, compared to rf4 ( 4 kind of strayed from their usual style) which I like. Characters still have their own signature quirks that you find endearing. Although I would have liked to see more variety? Like we've had mermaids, univir, half monsters, vampires, etc in previous titles but rf5 only gives us the usual (half) elf, dwarf, and then a succubus (physically she doesn't have unique features aside from the ears and heart eyes), and some were-people. I was hoping for something more unique to really give that classic runefa vibe.

Dungeons/Battles. I'm pretty split on this one. On the one hand, the dungeons have more depth due to the 3D aspects. They've included more contraptions that are very fun to see even if they aren't executed that well. So I'm grateful for that. On the other hand, the dungeons are insanely short imo. It doesn't take long at all to get to the boss. The puzzles are also pretty subpar and few compared to RF4. Fighting monsters is similar to the other games. You can lock on now but I only use it when I'm trying to use my Seed Circle. The lock on feature is actually counter-intuitive and makes it harder to dodge. Weapon mechanics have shifted a bit. There’s a feature that makes you invincible to damage if you time the R button dash correctly. Axes and Hammers are significantly slower than in older games? Like. I thought I was in slow motion it was so slow. Lances are also harder to use as well? I'm questioning my sanity here. I don't know if it's a bug or intentional either.

Farming. Not much has changed from previous games mechanics wise. They added new types of special crops which is neat. The camera view changes to overhead when you go near your fields though, and it can make you dizzy/uncomfortable. It actually makes it a bit difficult to see at times so I wish there was a way to adjust the angle. If you are tilling corn or dried weeds to improve the soil, you need to place them separately if you don't want to use the entire stack. Otherwise, it will till the entire stack on the land if you place them all down at once. The flower shop is unlocked late in the story. Weird thing to do considering you need flowers to make medicine. Not to mention the fact that you wont have access to the fertilizer that increases defense against typhoons? During typhoon season? Thinking emoji...

The town. I have to say Rigbarth's design is poor compared to Sharance, Selphia, etc. It's too big and it takes too long to get around. Everything is too spaced out and there aren't enough warp points to make it easier on players. I don't want to walk an entire mile up a hill to talk to one person and then walk all the way down to the beach to speak to another. It doesn’t really feel like a ‘town’.

OST/BGM. Music was good, though nothing really stood out to me where I'd go "damn this slaps" or something. I think they might've had some old soundtracks from rf2 or something because it felt really nostalgic at times.

We need an exterminator. (Bugs Bugs Bugs)

Marvelous, I don't know how to tell you this buuut...your customers are NOT your testers. When you release a game, you need to make sure it's not littered with glitches because customers don't enjoy dealing with them and will drop the game!

Here are some of the types of glitches I encountered:

Crashing. Game would randomly crash or freeze and close at any moment. Sooooo frustrating! Sometimes you get lucky with the autosave feature, but the autosave only activates every morning at 6am in your room and then when you warp to a dungeon level/floor. So when you're in the middle of your daily tasks in town and it crashes, you have to start all over. Marveloussss no one enjoys losing their progress in a game I promise you that much.

Lag. The dialogue bar is seriously slow, especially after loading your file. Crafting/Cooking screen lags. When you press the Y button to skip through dialogue it lags like hell. Pretty much after every time you load the game will lag, the audio will lag if you're in a battle, everything is just. so. slow.

Repeating dialogue. So if you close your game entirely (or if it crashes) naturally you'll reload your file to continue where you left off. There's a bug that will cause all NPCs to repeat the last dialogue that occurred from whatever plot related thing you did last. So for example, if the last thing you did in the story was unlock Ludmilla, everyone in town will naturally have some dialogue about her. But even after seeing all this dialogue and even saving, if the game is closed and reloaded you'll have to read all that dialogue again from townsfolk. It got really annoying after a while.

Monster taming. One time I tamed a monster but once I named it and hit 'ok' the monster never showed up in my barns? Just. gone. Okaaaay then...? Additionally, I expanded one of my monster barns but all of the monsters I tamed wouldn't appear in the added room. You get 4 monsters for each room but the monsters I tamed would show up in the original room. Meaning I had like 7 monsters in one room! I tried to bring them into the newly added room but they would just warp back to the other room. Sad.

Pond Glitch. I fished in the pond located in Sasayaki Forest and left the fish I caught but didn't want laying around the water's edge. If you leave fish around the pond's edge and go to sleep, the next morning you will be teleported to the pond and trigger the fairy dialogue as if you had thrown all of the fish into the pond??? So the dialogue of her telling you she wants 'X item, not this!' will trigger over and over for all of the fish you left at the water's edge. RIP.

Party member Bug. I had Martin in my party and I made him leave. Then when I went into my monster barns to get a monster pal to join me instead it showed me Martin's portrait???? Also I've encountered a bug where I can no longer ask anyone to join my party for some unknown reason. The R &L button prompt was just gone when I reloaded.

Errors. When cooking or crafting, the dialogue box shows up sometimes...

Typos. Random average typo here and there. Not a real biggie but there is one instance where the heroine will use the japanese male pronoun "boku" instead of "watashi" which really convinced me that this game was completely intended for men lol.

Let's talk about Pros

The good stuff. The stuff that makes you all warm and fuzzy inside.

Plot Advancing. Now I'm gonna put this as a pro because I'm certain the average player will enjoy this even though I do not. There are now markers on the map to show you where to go to advance the plot. This is all well and dandy, but it also made the story less appealing for me because you don't need to go around town and speak to residents for clues or assistance to advance anything in the story.

3D Graphics The 3D models are all amazing. The interior designs of the houses/buildings are also incredibly detailed and realistic.

Collecting items. Now there's a feature that will allow you to collect items into your inventory just by walking over them. This is pretty neat and welcome for the most part. Once the item is sparkling, you can walk over it and it'll go into your rucksack automatically. This also makes lumbering and mining go much faster. Yay!

The miraculous L pocket. Now you can customize the categories that appear in your L pocket by going to the rucksack tab in the menu. This is a super neat feature that makes things easier on players who want to manage their items in a format that suits them.

Weapon/Tool Toggling. You can now toggle between your equipped weapon and tool by pressing the left or right buttons on the trackpad.

Collecting lumber/material stone. Oh lord this is probably the most welcome improvement moving forward from the previous game. You can now put all of the lumber and material stone from your inventory into its storage at once. This also applies to fodder for tamed monsters. Well done Hakama.

Autosave. This feature is a welcome addition to the series. The game will save your data every morning and every time you enter a dungeon. Autosave has really saved my ass a few times when I made a huge error in judgement so I'm incredibly grateful for this feature. And it doesn't save over your actual save file--there's a separate autosave file at the very top. So if you messed up something but already saved on your main file, you can still salvage your mistake by reloading the autosave! I just wish it activated a bit more often sometimes.

Warping. Now we can warp to each level in a dungeon as well as certain places on the map in town. It's pretty convenient for the most part.

Increased party members. Now you can have up to 3 members in your party! Hooray! Party members act more intelligently than in older games. Scarlett can use the Seed circle to assist you in fights. I think she also tosses healing potions at you occasionally. So far, no one has tossed a dish at me if I haven't eaten like Kiel and Clorica did in rf4. But I have been hit by a failed dish (from reinhardt?) and a healing potion (from scarlett). Scarlett, Priscilla, and Reinhardt are the most helpful when dungeon crawling in my experience. Some of them however, (looking at you Doug) don't shut the hell up with their one line of dialogue they have and repeat it constantly.

Seed Circle. This neat feature allows you to capture monsters. By charging it and releasing you can capture monsters for the bounty system or add them to your party temporarily. If you throw it without charging it, you can stun monsters in place momentarily or grab things from far away. When stunning monsters, it can also give you the monster's drop item occasionally. Unfortunately it uses a lot of RP so it can be difficult at times.

Combo attacks. This is a neat feature that I appreciate and use often for boss fights. They do some serious damage so it's good to save them for the bosses. The actual cutscenes aren't that impressive, and feel kind of subpar when you get down to it but I think it's a start in the right direction.

Farm Dragons. I'm listing this as a pro although I really just see it as a new feature. Farm dragons have fields on their backs that you can place monster barns on and farm on. Giving them certain crystals will give your fields boosts in certain criteria, like length of growth, soil quality, you get it. I personally don't use the crystals because I couldn't give a shit lmao I have men and women to woo here. But if you're into this kinda thing then it's a pro.

Storage. When opening your storage box, fridge, etc. you can actually hit the R & L buttons to switch between ALL of your other storages. Looooove thissss. Great addition. So much faster to put items away in their respective places.

Crafting/Forging. Now we can also use the R & L buttons to alternate between the different weapon types/accessory/gear types instead of having to exit the menu and going back in each time you want to make something different.

Cooking. More recipes have been added. Yay!

Days are longer now. More time to get shit doneeeee ayyyy

Fishing. They've added many more fish to the game! Now the player will shout something when you get a bite, making it easier for you to hit B at the right moment. Nice. Also if you fail or press B too early, the fish doesn't vanish most of the time. Also nice. There is now a feature to fish with another person's assistance. Once a day you can investigate the sign near the fishing station and someone might offer to lend you a hand. Press the B button at the right moments on the slider and you can get a rare fish that can't be caught normally.

Monsters. New types of monsters! Love the designs. Even the monsters that are the same but just have different skins are really neat. They look great in the 3D format too. You can even ride with up to two people on certain monsters! Some bosses had awesome designs while others...were bad.

New Types of Furniture. The carpenter store has a wide arrange of furniture you can buy for your home. It also has wallpapers and stuff which is really neat. Though unfortunately you can't even sit on some of the furniture so that's a shame.

Events. Now there is a system where events are triggered by approaching an icon on the map. This is probably an improvement to RF4's randomized system, though personally I found it annoying because it meant that I had to see the events before I could just enter a building normally. Sometimes I just wanted to get shit done and not have to read through walls of text for someone's love event when I just want to buy something.

Voiced Lines. The protagonist seems to have more voiced lines, as do other characters. Good!

Let's talk about Cons

Not including glitches. Oh boy. So many cons. Where do I start?

Dialogue. Probably the most notable con in the entire game. The dialogue is drastically minimal in comparison to previous games, especially rf4. There is probably a quarter of the amount of dialogue compared to rf4's insane amount of content if not less. Townsfolk repeat themselves. Often. Too often. Am I playing Harvest Moon? Originally I thought it was because the dialogue is randomized, but I think it's actually because more dialogue is unlocked as you raise townspeople's FP. Despite this, there's no linear build up where you start off as acquaintances and eventually become very close like in rf4 because of how sporadic the LP/FP is. Townsfolk don't even talk to each other. One of the greatest perks about runefa is the conversations townsfolk can have with one another. Residents randomly gathering in small groups to talk about anything. Previously you could add someone to your party and sometimes a dialogue will occur if you speak to the right person at the right time with that person in your party. This is nonexistent now. The only time they do this in rf5 is during the festivals. But, it will only trigger if you have unlocked all the characters in each marriageable lineup and they can't be in your party. The residents will talk about one another but that's pretty much it outside of town events. They got rid of all the minor dialogue that occurs too. Trying to sleep in someone's bed while they're right there? They wont comment. Inspecting objects in stores while the shopkeeper is present? Wont say anything. Take a character with you to a dungeon/boss fight? Their lips are sealed. Where's my sense of community? :(

FP/LP This ties into the dialogue issue. The rate at which LP/FP increases is sporadic as hell. You can go from 1FP/LP to 4FP/LP just by giving a gift sometimes. I wouldn't even speak to people and their affinity increased by like triple for no reason. Then it increases by like 2% for the longest time. Argh!!!

Graphics. I don't consider myself very picky when it comes to graphics. I don't really mind that the foliage and scenery are at the level of a ps2 game at best. I tried playing on my television initially, but the lag and camera operability was too much so I fully switched (haha puns) to handheld. One thing that sucked is that I literally cannot tell the difference between medicinal herbs, antidote grasses, and green grasses without the captions because the graphics are so indistinguishable. So when you're trying to pick up multiples of those items by holding the A button, you're just randomly walking over anything green in the hopes that you'll get the right ones...

Lack of Sound Effects. Something I noticed is they got rid of the sound effects that will play when you complete a puzzle or add someone to your party. When you try to brush a monster there's no sound for the '♪' they make when you successfully brush them. So it was hard for me to tell if I had actually brushed them or not. I was a bit saddened by the lack of cute sounds.

Too much free range. From the very beginning of the game, you're allowed to go pretty much wherever you want when leaving town. It was too easy to stumble into high enemy level territory without knowing, so when I was like level 5 so I got KO'd immediately.

Artwork. The portraits seem to be lower in quality somehow. Runefa has always had shitty portrait art imo but this time it's even worse. Many character's eyes looked fucked up. Though the 3D models are insanely good for mostly every character except Terry. Terry's 3D model looks Terryfying and I prefer his portrait.

Festivals. They've added some new festivals. Some I enjoy. Some not so much. They changed the format of the eating contest. It's horrible. Good luck with that one.

L pocket + R button? They got rid of the feature that lets you skip to the other end of your items when opening the L pocket by pressing R button. I really liked that feature because it made it faster to reach my items so I was bummed that they got rid of it.

Gotta go fast. Now when you speak to someone, it doesn't 'stop time' as you might say it did in previous games. So people are still moving about as you speak to someone, making it harder to catch up to people! Annoying!!!

Catch and release? Not in my farming simulator! Say goodbye to being able to toss a fish you caught back into the water. In fact, say goodbye to tossing anything you don't want anymore into the water. Now you just have an army of fish flopping on the ground around you. And with the auto pick up feature, they're probably going to end up in your inventory anyways once you try to move. There are still certain ponds with fairies that you can toss stuff into, but you'll have to deal with the fairy harping at you for giving her something she doesn't want.

Shop Hours. Oh god. The shop owners don't even open their stores at the correct hours? It says open at 9am. If you speak to them they won't open their store until like 9:07??? But Priscilla and Lucy will show up to work their part-time jobs at around 8:30am and you can buy stuff through them before 9am. So the actual shop owners (for the bread shop and general store) are pointless usually. Additionally, if the store is empty (but open) you can no longer add a shopkeeper into your party and then enter their store with them to buy things from them. Why. Just why. When you want to buy something that only a specific person sells (Only Hina sells fish, only Heinz sells misc items) you have to wait for them to finally decide to work in their own store. Wonderful.

Monster Item drops. Maybe I'm crazy but the monster drops are seriously a lot harder to get than in previous games. Especially boss drops. It's almost impossible to get the rare drops now. I don't even want to try anymore. And as far as I know, the only place to buy monster items is through Heinz, but his items are actually misc. items, not specifically monster drops. So you'll be lucky to check his store (whenever tf he decides to actually work) for any monster items you might want instead of farming for the drops. Sighs.

Difficulty. This game is too easy. There is little to no challenge whatsoever. I had to increase the difficulty setting to hard mode and it was still too easy. I beat it at level 139, never once did I need to grind or level. In fact, your character levels up way too quickly for the pace of the story. I had zero trouble with any of the bosses and even the final boss was a breeze. Quite sad. Though because I am not new to the franchise, it's likely that newcomers would have some trouble in the later parts of the story.

Fishing cons. Idk how you fck up fishing but they sure did. You have to stand further back now because the pole is so long that you'll miss the fish you're aiming for. In fact, it's seriously hard to aim period. You'll end up recasting more often than not. Fish come in the various sizes but they don't seem to have the darker or faded characteristics that can indicate whether it's a rare fish or not. The graphics make it hard to tell. The pros that i've already mentioned are welcomed but it doesn't negate the fact that I do not enjoy fishing like I did in previous games.

Mining/Lumbering Cons. You can no longer strike three times consecutively when mining/lumbering. This sucks lol. Even when you upgrade your axe or hammer, powering up the tool does nothing for getting wood and material stone--it only expands the area of your strike. So it takes longer to get wood/stone from stumps and rocks now since you have to strike the full 9 times but it's not too bad. It's also harder to aim now as well so that's also unfortunate.

Seasonal Fields? Kiss them goodbye! That's right, there are no seasonal fields in rf5 because devs are insane! You instead have the farm dragons that seem to look seasonal based on the fact that they are designed after elements like earth, water, and fire. But no, these dragons are simply extra fields for you to use. Here's a spoiler: you're not going to use those fields. You're just not. They're kinda useless unless you're obsessed with farming. Now you have to grow your crops out of season like the sad farmer that you are.

Farming cons. Seeds no longer tell you how long it takes to grow the crop. Why. As of June 29th, they fixed this with an update. But I still had to play the whole game without it so fuck you marvelous. The joystick is really sensitive? So when you're trying to use a fertilizer or something on your field you're likely to place it on the wrong 4x4 tile, wasting your fertilizer. So it’s best to hold down the R button when farming. Also the crops look uglie as hell.

Sleeping and warping cutscenes. Just like in rf4 there's a cutscene when you go to sleep that can be skipped easily by pressing A. In rf5, there's a cutscene to sleep and a cutscene when waking up. It takes a bit more than a second to skip these scenes so it gets annoying after a while. Warping is this new feature that replaces our beloved escape spell. Overall I appreciate the feature but I hate it for two reasons. One: there's an annoying ass cutscene for it each time you use it that could be much shorter. And Two: townsfolk now use warp even when inside the town. In previous games, someone exiting your party in town would just manually run to wherever they need to be. So you could easily chase after them if you need to talk to them or give them something. Now, party members use warp regardless of where you are at the time. So say you have someone at 7 hearts and you want to try confessing to them. You would have them join your party, save your game, and then have them leave your party and immediately speak to them and confess before they can run off. If it doesn't work you reload until it does. In RF5 this wouldn't work anymore because they will warp. Now you would have to save, run around town trying to find this person and hope they accept the confession. Otherwise you'll have to play hide and seek again because reloading your file will randomize the resident's locations (if they are not working in a shop)!!!! I often just waited until a festival day because then they will be at the plaza for most of the day and it has a warp point there.

Crafting/Forging/Cooking. They've removed the feature where you can press Y on the ingredients in the menu to add more of that particular item. I miss this feature :'(

Lacks incentive. There is no trophy room from my knowledge. The final dungeon that is meant to be like the sharance maze/rune prana isn't that hard to beat for skilled players and is only 20 floors. After you beat the main story and this dungeon there's not much else to do really.

Request Board. Unlike in rf4, you need to make sure you have accepted requests before you complete them or else it will not count. Previously, you could complete all sorts of tasks and Eliza would still recognize your work even if you accept their request after the fact. ie, shipping goods, harvesting crops, etc. So make sure you don't harvest your special crops before accepting the request it's for!

Return of the "Loli" Dragons... Yeah you read that right. We got more dragons in children's(???) bodies with skimpy clothes. I don't know anymore????¿¿¿

Can't marry the Milfs or Dilfs. Tragic.

Still no homo. Grow up Marvelous.

Reverse Proposal? Reverse Uno card-- Laid low by the patriarchy. You now have to buy the double bed and craft an engagement ring to propose to your man if you're playing as Alice. Marvelous this isn't what we meant when we said we wanted equal rightsssssss This can be seen as a pro if you're a softhearted babey who doesn't like rejecting bachelors' proposals because you feel bad :'( But this is a con for me because I don't want to spend money and materials on a double bed dammit!!!

Misc. Still can't stack dishes or fish. There's no green elemental fairy???All the other elemental ones are there except the green one? why??? Still can't tame the giant Wooly. Some bosses that have insanely awesome designs cannot be tamed and makes me wanna eat glass.

Let's talk about Love~

Relationships. We want them. And half of us only play these games for them. I've only played as the female heroine so far but I'll be updating this review as soon as I finish with the bachelorettes as the male hero.

Confessions

As usual, we must raise the love points of our beloved to 7 hearts before we can attempt to date them. However unlike in rf4, if you fail at a confession once, you will need to raise the LP up an entire level before you can try again with any chance of success. It's imperative you save before attempting a confession now.

Love Events

Each love interest has two love events that must be seen before you can date them. They're reminiscent of older game's style but I felt they could have been a biiiit more interactive or so? Or involved the town a bit more for some of them.

Dating

Once you get your honey to be your bf/gf, you get to choose the nicknames as usual. Then you can go on dates. The first three (non-festival) dates are actually events. You need to see all three events to get married.

Marriage Event

The final event you need to clear before you can marry your sweetie. In my honest opinion, so far for the boys, these events were rather disappointing. They lacked the drama and angst that sort of 'test' the love between the two when compared to rf4. Also this is a huge con for me personally and a minor spoiler but there are no special cutscenes at the end of the marriage event like in rf4. Instead, the cutscene takes place during your actual wedding. I was saddened by this because it took away the depth from the marriage events and the actual character? As it is just a cut and paste type of thing instead of an original cutscene for each person. They lack individualism this way. Also it kinda felt like a way for devs to avoid gay relationships and cut corners :^/....sus.

First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes...

Children!!!!!! This is actually one of the coolest additions in the game. Just like in rf3, you can have up to 3 children again! Your first child will resemble you, and you will have the option to choose its gender as well as its personality. There are 6 different children, (3 boys and 3 girls), all with different hairstyles, mannerisms, and seiyuus. Your answers will determine which child you get. A year after your first child is born, you will get the option to have a second child. You'll end up with twins, both resembling your partner. You won't get to choose the genders (it will be a boy and girl) but you will get to choose the personalities once more. The children all have canon names too and each kid is incredibly cute. And of course, you're still able to take your kid with you in your party~ ...Though you can only take one kid with you at a time.

So is RF5 good?

Yeah it's a fun game! My theory is that Marvelous forced the devs to release the game earlier than they were ready for, and that's why it's so lacking. But that doesn't mean it's not worth playing! I'd rate it 3.5/5 stars hehe. Not nearly as good as RF4 (full stop 5/5), or RF3 (4/5) but enjoyable nonetheless. I wouldn't recommend it as a first game to play from the series for newcomers though, I feel it's best for vets who can overlook all the cons thanks to loyalty and nostalgia. By the time it’s released in the West, the bugs should all be dealt with too.

So! Definitely buy this game! We want the series to continue and we want RF6 to be better than this--and hopefully Marvelous will make sure of that next time. If you're not a picky person I think you'll enjoy rf5 a lot. If you're like me and have high standards then, well, still pick it up and let it run its course. Then dust off rf4sp and cleanse your gaming palette >;^)

[haileygarciasunshine]

Too late

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Fem!Reader

Written: May 4th, 2021

Posted: May 4th, 2021

Warning: Fluff, Angst

Word Count: 1,944

Author's Note: For the sake of this piece, Sam has an apartment. Little Mermaid AU ish and Wandavision Crossover.

TV and Movie inspired Masterlist

"Dating is hard." Bucky groaned dropping himself beside you on the couch.

Giggling you nodded in agreement. "Welcome to the twenty-first century."

Bucky groaned again as he closed his eyes allowing his head to meet the back of the couch.

Turning to face him, you became mesmerized by his features. Following his jawline with your eyes, you trailed along to his lips. As you gazed at them, you couldn't stop the thoughts of wondering what they'd feel like against yours. Would they be soft? Would they be gentle or rough?

"Hey." He spoke softly as he gently nudged you. "Did you hear what I said?" Sitting up, his gaze was filled with concern.

"Huh?" You creased your eyebrows together, as you watched his lips mouth his words. "Oh, uh, n-no. Sorry."

"S'alright." Bucky grinned, his eyes gazing around your face. "I asked if you found out any information about your mom?"

"Oh." You whispered. Clearing your throat, you adjusted your position away from Bucky. "Yeah, yeah, I did."

Lifting his gaze, his ocean eyes held intently onto Y/E/C ones. Silently he was pleading for you to tell him what you found.

"Well." You sighed, crossing your legs underneath you. "She was the scarlet witch back in the day..." Your voice trailed off as you shrugged your shoulders. Promptly, your gaze dropped to your lap as you studied your chipped nail polish.

"Y/N." He spoke, his voice becoming soft once again. Bucky's thumb and forefinger found your chin before maneuvering your face closer to his. Bucky's breath danced along your lips at your close proximity.

"That's...That's-"

Sam'ss apartment door suddenly burst open as Steve and Sam filed inside. Neither one spared a glance your way as they rushed into the kitchen.

The sudden noise, caused both of you to jump away from one another. Clearing your throat, you quickly rose to your feet. Smoothing down your bunched-up shirt, you quickly joined Sam in the kitchen while passing Steve on his way out.

Letting out a sigh of relief, you leaned against one of the counters crossing your arms along your chest.

Sam cleared his throat, as he looked at you in question from across the kitchen island. "So, when are you two going to stop dancing around your feelings for one another?" He raised an eyebrow in the process.

Groaning, you leaned your head back allowing you to stare at the ceiling. Opening and closing your mouth several times, you frowned before moving to lean against the island, facing Sam.

"Don't try and deny it," Sam spoke shrugging. "Everyone can see it."

"Sam." You warned letting out a defeated huff. "He doesn't see me that way."

Sam shook his head. Before he could open his mouth, both Steve and Bucky barged into the kitchen bickering about something only they knew about. Grinning to yourself, a silent chuckle fell past your lips. Returning your gaze to Sam, he sent you a knowing look.

"I, rather, Bucky, has an important announcement," Steve spoke proudly, as he clasped his hands upon Buckys shoulders. "Go on, tell 'em what you just told me, Buck."

Both men shared a chuckle before he turned to face, you and Sam. A pit began forming in your stomach as you felt your heart fall into your stomach. Attempting to shake the feeling, you turned to Bucky giving him your full attention.

"I...I have a date." He spoke grinning from ear to ear.

Instantly, the feel of the room had changed from elated to disappointment. Furrowing your eyebrows together in confusion, you felt the smile that your lips had previously been holding falter to a frown. While tears began welling in your eyes.

Your mouth had become dry, while you felt a rasp forming in your throat. "W-What?"

The three men turned their attention towards you. Steve and Bucky shared the same confused yet concerned etched expression, while Sam wore one of sorrow.

"I...I have to go." You muttered, rushing out of the kitchen.

As you gathered your belongings, you felt the droplets of your tears that had fallen from your cheeks. Muffled sobs began falling as you felt yourself beginning to sniffle in the process.

Your mind was quickly clouded, preventing you from thinking straight. Gathering what you could, you quickly put your shoes on before bolting.

Attempting to gather your composure, you made your way back to the compound. You had felt surprised that you were able to hold it together the entire ride back.

Busting into your room, you made your way to the shower in hopes it would comfort you. Changing into a pair of comfier clothes, you laid on your bed, staring out of your bedroom window at the night lights of the city. Your mind was quickly clouded with thoughts of how many other people were experiencing heartbreak as well.

The sound of someone knocking on your door caused you to jump.

"Who is it?" You questioned, hoping deep down it would be Bucky wanting to check up on you.

"It's Wanda." She spoke. "Can I come in?"

"FRIDAY, can you please unlock my door?"

Wanda rushed in making sure to lock the door behind her. Throwing her arms around you, she pulled you in for a bone-crushing hug. Before you knew it, the floodgates had opened. Tears streamed down your face as sobs shook through your body, as your arms laced around her holding her in your iron grip. Without a word, Wanda held you tighter as her hand ran up and down your back. The only sound in your room was the sobs that fell past your lips.

After some time had passed, Wanda pulled away enough to create a slight space between you. Your cheeks carried a pink tint upon them. Your eyes falling down to her shirt that had produced a slightly darker spot upon it than anywhere else on it.

"S-Sorry." You hiccuped feeling tears welling up in your eyes again.

Wanda giggled, shaking her head slightly. "Don't worry about it."

"I don't mean to intrude-" Vision's voice startled both you and Wanda. Turning to face the android, you raised an eyebrow in question.

"Vis." Wanda whined. "We talked about this."

"Oh, yes." Vision spoke glancing back in the direction he had gone through the wall. "I...Y/N, sounded like she was in trouble."

Glancing at Wanda, her expression had morphed into one of being mortified. The sound of hearty laughter bubbled up inside you. It wasn't long before tears cascaded down your cheeks for an entirely different reason. Holding an arm across your stomach, you placed your free hand upon Wanda's forearm attempting to keep yourself sturdy. It didn't take much longer before both Wanda and Vision were sharing your hysterical laughter.

Wiping the remainder of your tears, you got up from your place on the bed approaching Vision. Throwing your arms around his shoulders, you pulled him in for a warmth-filled hug.

Vision tensed as he was under the impression he had miss read the situation.

Pulling away from him, you gave him a toothy smile. "Thank you."

Returning to your previous position beside Wanda, you pulled her in for a hug giving her a smile.

It was a few days before you'd see Bucky again. You had gone out of your way with the help of Steve, Sam, Wanda, Vision, and FRIDAY to make sure you wouldn't run into him accidentally.

Taking a deep breath, you stood across from the living room attempting to steady your nerves. With a sudden boost of courage, you made your way inside, making a b-line for Bucky.

Clearing your throat, you bounced on the balls of your feet slightly. Bucky quickly glanced up from his book before doing a double-take. The color draining from his face as if he had seen a ghost.

"I-Is this seat taken?" You questioned offering him a sweet smile.

"Yeah." He spoke while shutting his book.

Your smile faltering at his confession as you felt heat dance along your cheeks.

"By you."

Letting out a breath you hadn't known you were holding, you nodded before sliding beside him on the loveseat.

A suffocating silence fell between you. Bucky had made a conscious decision to make sure his leg and shoulder wouldn't accidentally bump yours, not wanting to cross any lines.

"So-"

"I-"

Sharing a toothy smile, you began giggling that turned into fits of laughter. Any remaining tension that lingered was disintegrated. Letting his guard down, his leg was pressed firmly against yours. While his arm rested on the back of the couch directly behind your head.

"You first," Bucky spoke, motioning towards you.

Nodding your head, you cleared your throat. "I...I... Um..." Closing your eyes, you felt your heart drop once again. "I have feelings for you...And I know I lost my chance, but I don't want to risk losing your friendship too.." Your voice trailed off, while you dropped your eyes to your fingernail bed, pushing back your cuticles. "I'd...I'd like to hear about your date."

Glancing at Bucky from your peripherals, you were able to see his jaw had fallen slack. The more seconds that passed by, the more you felt hours had passed. Time had slowed down.

"I...I should go." Before he could respond, you raced out of the living room locking yourself in your bedroom.

As the shock of your confession fell away, he reached for his phone. The realization of how long overdue the call was crossed his mind.

Rushing out of the compound, Bucky dashed to the agreed-upon meeting place.

"There you are." A light voice greeted him. "I was beginning to think you weren't going to show."

Greeting him with a hug, Bucky stiffened at the contact. Pulling away from her, he shoved his hands into his pockets.

"The name's Agnes." She grinned, holding her hand out expectantly towards Bucky.

"Bucky." He spoke, nodding at her.

"Shall we-"

"Listen, Agnes." He let out a sigh. "This...This isn't going to work out."

Letting out a frustrated sigh, she rolled her eyes. "I was hoping I wouldn't have to do this, this century, but here we are." Moving her arms, time froze around her.

"What-"

Before Bucky knew it, Agnes let out a snarl before lunging at Bucky. Dodging her first attack, Bucky gazed at her with widened eyes.

"Fine. We can do this, the hard way." She chuckled. Moving her hands a purple hue enveloped around Bucky.

Binding his wrists and ankles, Bucky was hovering slightly above the ground. "Why are you doing this?"

"Don't worry, it's not you I want." She spoke circling around him.

Without allowing Bucky to further question her, she pulled her shell necklace out from underneath her blouse. Standing directly in front of Bucky, she held her necklace in front of him. Gazing into his eyes, she saw them change to purple orbs before returning to his previous artic color.

Waving her hand, the purple mist was gone. Time resuming.

"There you are Agnes sweetheart. I was looking everywhere for you." Bucky greeted, placing his hands on her hips gently tugging her into him. Placing his lips upon her cheek, he gave her a chaste kiss.

Agnes, grinned devilishly, as a plan began forming in her mind.

Wondering down the street, you made your way to your favorite coffee shop.

"Y/N!" Bucky's voice called before you.

Your shoulders dropping in defeat as you let out a groan.

"I want you to meet someone."

Turning to face Bucky, you were surprised to see a brunette clinging to his side.

"Y/N, this is Agnes." He motioned to her with his free hand. "My girlfriend."

—

Part Two>

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[milfbro]

Please what are your thoughts on Merlin, I haven't thought about that show in 8 years

Forgive me lads for putting Merlin meta in your dash in 2022. I am sorry. But know that this could be much longer

important context tho, is that I find Merlin infinitely rewatchable cause I don't have to like, use my brain. So I pop an episode on sometimes. I must have rewatched the show like, 7 times over the years. Idk it's almost white noise for me

ok I guess my general thesis of the hypothetical presentation on Merlin I'd give on the fly is that Merlin is a show that's constantly in a tug of war against itself. It's already an extremely conservative show where the main theme is that 'things right now are bad, but we can change them for the better by keeping things exactly as they are' which is hilarious to me.

A bbc show for children can't encourage questioning authority and traditional values or the existence of the monarchy but also this show wants to have things to say about all of those topics. It wants to be modern but can't openly critique arthuriana, it's trying to both maintain the nonsense english identity and ideology attached to it over the centuries without embracing the weirdness of the old legends, but also is trying be hip and young, cash in on the freaky england fashion trend americans are going through

So how does that manifest in the show? Besides some vague nonsense with semi-colorblind casting and vague metaphors for every marginalized group possible? Every episode they introduce a new threat that, if they thought about it with the same mindset that they had in the previous episode, should lead them to the obvious conclusion that the monarchy that is currently committing genocide is bad. But they can't have that, so they have Gaius say the opposite of something he said in another episode (Gaius being the moral guide of each ep so we learn the new rules of the universe for the current one) and Merlin reacts as if it was understood that this new stance is the what they'd already had; they fight the threat and save the king. Rinse, repeat

It's a neverending cycle of moving goalposts and a completely fluid morality so that they always reach the same conclusion over and over and over, each episode echoing the overarching story. It's like a big conservative loop with no logic, only the idea that Arthur being king is good and will fix things (the genocide that is currently still happening), even after he is already king and is already not fixing anything. But he is 'the greatest king Camelot has ever had', whatever that means.

BUT there's a turn that happens in the last season that kind of collapses this whole schtick. I need to give context for this in case the person reading hasn't rewatched Merlin six times: Merlin is given the choice to save or kill Mordred, the guy he knows will kill Arthur. For convoluted reasons, saving Mordred will make magic legal. So Merlin has to choose to either save Arthur or end the prosecution of his own people. He saves Arthur, like he does for the entire show, and when he does that he accidentally kickstarts the last arc where Mordred kills Arthur and the show ends with magic remaining hidden for the rest of time. Thanks Merlin! This is kind of surreal coming from this show, and I AM reading too much into it obviously but you asked for it: the final arc is when Merlin has to face the fact that protecting the status quo and maintaining the state that is actively persecuting his people, doesn't do anything to end said persecution. He had the agency in this moment to cause the solution that he'd wanted the whole time but he doesn't do it because he has never accepted that the means to cause change is through change.

Anyway, the very ending of the show features Colin Morgan in old man make-up walking next to what I presume is the M-25 because it would be funny if it was. And we're meant to think that it's bittersweet and he's waiting for Arthur to return and take his place back on the throne, so he can be there to help him usher a new era where magic will be back to Albion. But given the reading I just gave you, the ending of Merlin, thematically, is a sad ending where the main character is still doing nothing to change the current world but expecting and hoping that change will come if we stay still. It's really sad and awfully tragic of the show. This is what will happen if you live your life to guard the institutions that do not love you back.

And that's what I have overthought about Merlin. I have much more where this came from. I'm sorry for this.

[catcatb0y]

I'm so far burnt out that I am literally just kicking fucking ashes right now. I'm short and hot tempered and it's gonna get worse from here lmfao. Life seems fully committed to digging it's heel into me, and I'm clawing at everything I can fucking reach.

I don't care to be the bigger person. I don't care about making friends. I would love to care about my interests, but those are a fucking bust, too.

Every term to describe myself as 'a person who likes Bakugou' has been fucked over by all of you, so I'm just going to say I hate the fucking kid and hope you all leave me the fuck alone.

To everyone joking about the manga spoilers, just fucking block me. Right now. Go the fuck away thank you. To all of the other antis, get some common sense.

Like, I've gotten this far and this bitter, because I want to like the series/ships/characters, but y'all literally just have the option of leaving. If seeing Bakugou or BakuDeku is somehow actively distressing, just- well leave for one, lol, you can't read the series and ignore how important Bakugou is too Midoriya, the kid never shuts up about him. At the very least, Bakugou will always have relevance because of his connection to Midoriya-

That being said, I don't want that shit. Get out.

No one deserves to be told or to be proven or to THINK that they only have worth because of someone else- much less someone they're in a relationship with. (Canon or not) that's a really toxic dynamic (and what led to their friendship getting fucked up in the first place)- it's INCREDIBLY shitty to BOTH sides, and it's not stable or sustainable.

Unlike the rest of the fandom, I care about Bakugou first and foremost. This kid has fought tooth and nail to achieve his one dream of becoming a Hero. He's strong, smart, dedicated, and deserves good things. His character has grown leaps and bounds, and, if no one is going to acknowledge and boost that up... I don't want it.

He deserves to be seen for all of the things that he's done. The only person who made him better was himself. In the past, I would talk about Midoriya's influence, but genuinely that only goes so far. Bakugou's drive and dedication is his own. No one else's. He doesn't deserve to be stuck in a ship that sidelines him and constantly puts him on a place where he compares himself to someone else- and if that's your idea of a perfect BakuDeku, you need to step back and think about the way that you view this ship, because that's exactly what antis have been gagging for this entire time. It's not somehow better just because it's gay in the end.

Other than that, I love to hear nuanced takes and have constructive arguments! Despite not liking or enjoying several aspects of fandom, I am very pro ao3 and I am against any censorship of it. Ao3 was founded due to the fandom purges of the past, and, even if the youth of today think they want that, I promise you guys: You Don't.

As much as I talk about being an asshole, I tend to match the energy of the people around me, so whatever you give me is what I give you- to a point, obviously. I will admit that I'm even shorter tempered than usual given the fact that my life is a fucking hellhole and I have spent the past- three fucking months now- unfollowing and blocking eighty percent of the people on my fucking dash because suddenly everyone is fucking rancid.

I don't come here to put up with that shit. As much as the gods and the shitty assholes in my head want to fight it, I do deserve to be fucking happy.

And let it be known that I don't want any part of a BakuDeku that only benefits Midoriya. I don't. If you're excited about Midoriya shining or saving the day, congratulations, but I don't fucking care, nor do I want to hear it. I've blacklisted his character tag, and I'm damn near close to going full Midoriya anti. Keep it away from me- that's been my one goddamned boundary for three fucking months and still not a single person has consistently upheld it.

I had hope for the series, for the ship, and for the characters, so I didn't want to cut everything out; but clearly that's the only way to not feel like absolute and utter shit, so congrats. I've blacklisted the BakuDeku and Midoriya tags.

Anyone with Bakugou-centric rarepairs that don't highlight this kid's suffering or force him to feel inferior to others- you're welcome to hit me up! Ship wise, I've had a bit of a rocky past with Kirishima, but their dynamic is cute and I still enjoy them. I headcanon Todoroki as ace (and a majority of the smut I've read is horribly ooc, so I don't usually go for it anyways), but I enjoy their friendship a lot, too. Sero and Kaminari are also very nice! I don't really see Ashido that way, but I'm open to it. Uraraka... I tend to ship more with Toga, but I'm flexible.

If anyone wants to talk crackship with me, I'm more than here for that XD bring on the cringe. Canon is dead and I'm a mourning widow who's "oh so devastated, truly," taking the prized jewels (Bakugou, ofc) and running.