#i project parts of myself onto them
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they may not be a fan favorite when it comes to my designs (atleast thats what i assume? she doesnt get as much attention as the others do especially during art fight) but movie maker is one of my favorite designs to draw ever 😭😭 i love making the sky in their face different colors based on mood and auuuugh 🥹 so Yay❤️
#i project parts of myself onto them#my gender and sexuality mostly#but also some feelings#and their design is just rlly silly idk I'm like proud of myself for it i guess#me when im obsessed with my own characters based on computer programs
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it's too fucking hot where i live so it's time to draw my blorbo complaining abt it
#artists on tumblr#digital art#cj heart#cccc#chonny jash#chonny jash fanart#projecting myself onto my favorite guys part 457443452: giving them belly button piercings#because they're cute and i have one. and more men* need them
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The worst mindset you can labour under is the idea that your pain not only represents every person like you but that your pain also must be Meaningful - especially when applied to politics or minority groups.
It's so tempting to want to justify your pain, the injustices you faced, the abuse you endured. But by making it so that your pain is the standard, your pain will define the way you move in the world. It feels liberating in a sense, believe me. But this won't solve the issue that you have been hurt. The anger you feel at the injustice that you were mistreated isn't your fault, but it shouldn't ever be made standard. It shouldn't be the baseline of existence for anybody, including you.
#politics#when i was younger the pain i felt as a trans person felt all-consuming. i wanted to define myself by this pain...#...because i felt that it was all i was worth. i felt that i had to justify it in some way - i had to find some reason for it all...#...i projected this pain onto other trans people at times and i didn't understand at all how other trans people could breathe...#...i felt a crushing force of dysphoria and societal/familial rejection for the longest time and i didn't want to suffer alone...#...and i didn't want to suffer without cause so i made MYSELF the cause of my pain and projected that onto the world#i see so many people define their hurt in such a way that hurts them *and* others#this is vaguely about a person lamenting that another type of person existing almost... invalidated *their* work and *their* experiences...#...and part of me understands that - but is it the other person's fault for *existing*?#i use transness as an example because i was going *through* it as a young trans person and i didn't deserve that actually!!!!!!!!#no trans person deserves ANY of the shit i went through! or any other negative experience for that matter!#realizing THAT made me want to distance myself from defining my worth through suffering#which is hard when a lot of my experiences are contextualized from being an abuse victim#but it's worth that hardship because it is right. it is right to want to prevent suffering
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it is unfortunate when i go to prayer and cry my eyes out and the only response i really hear is that i simply have to bear it. like usually i can get my emotions out and once they’re settled i hear a rational solution but it sucks when i don’t get the answer i want. i just have to keep waiting. like normally i hear something that gives me strength but wow apparently i’ve hit a new low
#literally all my problems would be so much easier to deal with if i had friends#and normally i’d be told ‘do this and you’ll probably find friends’#my plan has always been just to wait for someone to find me bc i’m horribly shy and antisocial#even though logically i know that’s a bad way of going about it#my logical rational analytical brain has always been obsessed with finding concrete answers. it’s always been ‘what can *I* do’#so even when i suffer there’s a part of me that says ‘it’s ok once i’m done crying i can work this out and go right back to trying’#i’ve been emotionally dead for years but i’ve always held onto faith like that#tonight i feel like i’ve been brought low. i feel like i’ve finally been told that i might just have to wait after all#which i might think would be comforting bc it absolves me of responsibility#but it’s actually crushing bc it absolves me of power#i feel like i’m finally facing the realization that i’m powerless and pathetic and i’m never going to be able to fix myself#that i can try as hard as i want but i can’t shake off this cross#but i don’t know how long i have to wait for someone to find me#and even if they find me how do i not fumble it#my first instinct is to push people away bc i assume they’re not really interested they’re just trying to be nice#which is usually true#i don’t even know how to sustain casual friendships and im so desperately in need of deep ones#i can’t open up to someone without just breaking apart and making it clear how pathetic i am#one would think i ought to find someone better than myself who can fix me#but on the other hand i think the only time that the good parts of me come out is when im facing someone even worse than me#like i have a tendency to morph into the opposite of the other person in any given situation to maintain healthy balance#so like when surrounded by extroverts which is almost always i become an introvert#it’s rare to meet an introvert but then i become stronger and more extroverted around them. like something in me just loves helping others#even though i can’t help myself#what do i pray for? a fellow pathetic person? or someone with the patience and kindness and life knowledge of a saint?#will either of them really be found just by chance in my life?#and even if i do meet someone. truly i wish they’d also be lonely. i want them to need me#i don’t want to be a pity charity case. like a side project for someone with real friends already
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built this life and now it's mine - Fab Four fluff + jetpoison* (platonic or romantic, up to interpretation) (for @caffeineecold)
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Kobra got the jukebox in the corner working two days ago and Jet's just returned from a run that nearly killed him but also scored them a crate of real booze — not the shitty moonshine brewed in the Zones that everyone pretends they like even though it tastes like the inside of the boot that gave bootlegging its name, real stuff.
Party's already sloppy drunk, sitting at the counter, and Jet doesn't usually let himself get this tipsy. Kobra and Ghoul sit in the corner next to the jukebox, picking out tunes and passing back and forth a bottle of champagne, of all things. For being a sandpup, Ghoul has expensive tastes.
Something bass-heavy is playing when Party slips from the stool and nearly topples over. Jet's reflexes are sluggish, but he manages to slide from his own seat and catch Poison. Party's pissed at him for nearly dying, again, and Jet expects a shove and dark look, but that's not what he gets. Instead, Poison leans into him, fitting them so naturally together that it's almost frightening.
"Y'okay?" Jet asks quietly into Party's hair.
"Dance with me, Star?"
Jet blinks, shocked. This is the last thing he expected. But he's just drunk enough, inhibitions just low enough, and he always crumbles when Pois calls him Star. Nobody else really ever does. "Sure," he finds himself saying, and Pois curls even more against him, their hands finding their places without even looking. It's too easy to sway back and forth together, in some facsimile of dance that's really just more an excuse for the comfort of touch that they both need, to the lilting gravelly guitars playing through the jukebox speakers.
The track skips and Kobra thumps the side of the box to get it playing again, a rising guitar interlude without words. Poison's head is nested against Jet's jaw, red hair filling his entire field of vision. On an impulse he doesn't resist for once, probably due to how tipsy he is, he presses his lips to Poison's temple.
"I'm sorry, sunshine," he whispers. "Fuck, Poison, I love you. Not the way... you want me to, probably, but I do. I love you so much." His eye is wide and staring, a little bit desperate. There's no other way he can say it.
"Don't leave me," mumbles Poison softly into the skin of his neck. The song is different now, something softer. "My Star..."
Jet closes his eye. "I'm not trying to," he says.
Poison sniffs, still swaying to the new tempo of this song. "Try harder."
Pois probably won't remember this in the morning. Kobra and Ghoul will give them weird looks, like they've completely lost it, and Jet will know why. Heck, they're giving them weird looks now, over the top of a champagne bottle and between smirking giggling asides to each otherm But Party is too drunk to retain much. They won't ever talk about it, except maybe when it comes up in an argument they force everyone to hear. You said you wouldn't leave me, you said you love me. I don't care how it is I just want you to love me whatever way you can.
The future is unfolding in front of them in so many ways. But right now it's just two friends, irresponsibly drunk and folded into each other.
#hey btw uhh I have never had alcohol and I likely never will bc of family history with it so. uh. yeah this was weird to write#but also very fun skfnskfnks#the progression of ''party'' (implies a bit of distance) -> ''poison'' (closer) -> ''pois'' (which is something only#Kobra ever uses out loud. like Kobra is the only one who can out loud call his brother that. the others think it though#and it definitely implies intimacy)#is something I think about a lot#btw the first song is the one I took the title from (accident prone by jawbreaker) and the second one is fade into you by mazzy star#uh so... part of the reason I don't romantically ship jetpoison is bc every time I write them I end up projecting#my own deep seated platonic Yearning onto them#also I'm dubiously aroace so like. that probably explains a lot abt why I don't write outright ship/tend to lean into ambiguous friendships#so whenever I use a ship name with an asterisk I'm basically saying idc if you ship it or even take what I'm saying as that#I personally just don't want to go there :)#sorry I am very confusing about this stuff. I can be slightly in love with my friends in a possibly aroace way 😅#I don't even understand it myself
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I found him you guys
The world's most masculine slovenian
#gu6chan's musings#drakengard#leonard drakengard#been educating myself a lot more on the slovenian language and culture since figuring out leonard was slovenian#and by far the most amazing thing ive learned is that slovenian men are known through the balkans as all being gay pansies bc of how their#language sounds LMAO#do you think he would be popular among the gay community there. do you think leonard would be a titoist#the hardest part of loving a character is having to honestly know them and as a stalinist this is the hardest thing i could say..... 😔#need to brush up more on the history/historical boundaries so i can REALLY figure it out and make even more headcanons about him but...#its so nice actually having european(ish?) characters i can project myself onto instead of having to 'adapt' american characters lmao
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Georgia and Van are up extra early this morning for her ultrasound appointment. Her anxiety riddled brain started overthinking her upcoming appointment causing her to panic, and Van did what he does best, help his wife regulate her breathing and calm down.
#they're both autistic btw#i imagine they were both very shy and anxious all throughout high school and always had crushes on each other#but were both too scared to approach the other#and then they reconnected through the gaming community they were both part of after graduation and fell in love and the rest is history#and he's in the streaming career and streams the game they reconnected through#i'm projecting way too much of myself onto these sims and oversharing on the internet again but i love them v much ok
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ray and emma are t4t to ME
#i need u guys to see my vision.... romantic or otherwise do you see!!!!#i wanna draw them trading gf uniforms as kids sooo bad but i am not the best at clothes#or bodies#ill get there#there is just something sooo much more special about them when theyre trans#its comforting with ray obviously bc projection but also w emma#which is not common for me#but jts healing to think about her finding peace and joy in femininity while still not being the most feminine girl on earth or whatever#i wouldnt necessarily say gnc but i think she would be by japanese standards#but no yeah anyways uh#i just love trans love so much#i love that trans women can find peace and joy in the things i hate about myself i love diverse human experience i love when people are#themselves and i love when that means they arent always what you expect#ok anyways#just been hella struggling w the dysphoria tonight so im trying to look at the positives abajhw#ray is so easy to project all the shitty parts onto. but emma reminds me of the good moments. for whatever reason#rayemma#ash is mentally ill#tpn
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It’s a running joke than one of my uncles has no one named after him (my mom’s side is very large and very Catholic with multiple instances of the same name across and within generations), while everyone else has at least one relative named after them. Anyway, I’m going to experiment with my gender a LOT when I move out (will update). If, by some chance, I do end up leaning more masc and wanting a name change to match, I’ll have the opportunity to do the funniest thing ever.
(This is not a declaration of my identity; only a somewhat realistic hypothetical scenario)
#I think part of the reason why I watch so many old movies with more eh… effeminate(?) (ish) male actors is because I want what they have#I’m pretty sure I’m not attracted to them (I mean yes in a way I am aesthetically but I can’t see myself in a relationship with a dude)#(I project myself onto them if that makes sense…)#I don’t think I’ll want a name change only because the children call me by my given name (Ms. [my name]) and simplify it to less syllables#and it’s the cutest stinkin’ thing#Although I wouldn’t mind being called like… idk… Jeremiah or Seamus (shay-muss)#If I’m not careful sometimes I’ll introduce myself (in pseudonym) as “Terrence” in Japanese (テレンス) instead of my given name#(“Tarrie” sounds weird in katakana)
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Physical media is forever (Patreon)
#Doodles#Helix#Max Vyer#Dexter Favin#Vent#I'm trying to remember the last time I made a fandom vent rather than my sona.... Probably Vargas-something#*continues to project onto Max* He really is just like me fr#Probably pretty obvious what this is in reference to - turned a bit more malicious and intentional here#Something something it's easier to be angry at a source of intention than to be sad about coincidental bad luck#I'm not about to be thankful for a bad thing happening but the fallout thereof Is interesting in its own right#Like how this probably wouldn't have crossed my mind elsewise - nor would I have started and finished it all in one big sprint#Not much else I could do except get some of the feelings Out#Ft. some of the thoughts I had - self arguments to try to minimize(?) the hurt#Especially of just recreating it since so much of it was my thoughts - Max's dreams are just his subconscious right? Haha#But when you build something over the course of years there's these subtle builds that divorce Then from Now#Not to mention whatever stimuli at the time - if Max's life coincided with specific dreams and both are never repeated#One thing that I think about a lot - ironically haha - is that you only get to experience A Thing for the first time Once#You are then forever changed even if just in some small way - an action that can never be unactioned#Even otherwise recreating the perfect set of circumstances just won't produce the same outcome#It all threads into my thoughts on Legacy as well - if what we leave behind ceases to be - if our butterfly wings are blown out#It could happen at any point - posthumously or while we're still here - and how much does that change in the long run?#It's an interestingly depressing thought haha#It's also part of why I double down on art so so so much - a language that cuts to the core of me#Every picture worth 1000 words - hopefully enough to make up for however many lost (I did a rough estimate and it would've been ~380k)#Somewhere in there are the feelings that lost their voice - were big and loud enough to immortalize in graphite on paper#Scanned and uploaded and maybe even downloaded elsewhere in the world - preserved fourfold in a way a single file on a single computer isn't#Even if one is destroyed it's somewhere else; the danger of only having one copy a kind of trust in program or physicality but no guarantee#Thoughts and thoughts and thoughts - also part of why I tag to tag limit so often I want them saved somewhere outside myself#Seems silly to talk about the art too but I have thoughts there as well haha - like of Madame Vyer asking for Dex's lighter#Dex holding Max back - to protect him from the damage while forcing him to confront it cruelty cruelty
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in other words i fall for men who are just like my mother: hot and cold, affectionate and punishing, incomprehensible, elusive, make me feel holy and bad about myself at the same time. i don't trust those that treat me like something delicate and worthy. i need to be molded into whatever you want, or else, i won't know how to act
#bonus points if I still have no idea how you want me to act#but I'll spend every minute trying to figure it out. an endless thought spiral of not good enough for you#endless trial and error. Give me a challenge. give me an idol and I'll become it. i am more capable than you believe#let me prove it. you can change your mind. ill accommodate. ill be the best asset you ever acquired and i will be cheap#the men i fall for i don't even love. i don't love them I love the part of myself#that they allow me to project onto them. i love when my mind lets me speak my words in their voice#do they hate me for it? almost always..But they're useful to me#i am the ultimate user. I will use you to hate myself. I will use you to hurt myself
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i really do hold so much love and adoration for humans and it makes me so sad how much i’ve been overtaken with envy and bitterness towards others throughout these last few years. i don’t know what happened to me.
#everytime i feel like ive found that part of me again im just back to being bitter again in a week#im not hateful towards a single soul im just painfully disinterested in other people especially if their new#which is ironic bc i’m always talking about how i want to meet new people and make more friends#but it’s like a switch goes off in my brain and i start picking them apart in my head#or picking myself apart and then projecting it onto them#i miss the old me she loved absolutely anyone and everyone
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chin hair only thing local man likes about himself, mom constantly mentions he should shave it and he says he will later. he is mostly lying.
#sometimes i get scared abt it cos the more obvious it is the more clocky i am#and im already accidentally clocky just by like#well people dont like fat people for one and project things onto me#but for another i think unconciously the way i carry myself and dress makes ppl uncomf#being visably disabled makes them uncomf#people stare at me like theyre scared#ppl wont go in the bathroom if im in there#yanno. lots of things always happening#i feel a lot less safe than i used to#i used to keep my hair so short and i dont mind long hair#but it is kind of my plausible deniability these days#if i speak at my normal like register and depth ppl are like confused sometimes#have to make my voice higher#its already really soft when im out cos im scared of everyone#so like idk. but i also dont talk much so thats less helpful than u might think#idk no one 3ants to hear abt hiding ur transness#obviously ppl want me to be happy and like myself and my gender presentation#and just be myself in public#but i just. its not pratical for me#and its not like ill be able to actually medically transition anytime soon#so might as well lean into living as a woman as much as i van without getting too miserable#im so scared of things happening in this country and the part i libe in#and its just like. yeah this is depressing but my home isnt even safe for me to be trans in#so what else am i gonna do
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#what kinda asshole uses my private personal struggles against me#honestly my gut instinct was to not trust this person and i regret that i did#slowly but surely i realizes this person was kinda delusional at worst#but just really so socially inept and unaware of how their own behavior negatively affects others#they can be such an energy vampire but really loud and in your face in such an aggressive way#totally wrong instincts to trust them and i’m kicking myself#like i stood up to them when they did something totally out of line#and now i’m paying the price by getting stabbed in the back#honestly i’m glad i can at least avoid them for the most part#i’m just so irritated that they project so much anxiety and insecurity onto everything#get therapy; like actual hardcore therapy
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that scene from Up where he’s bestowing the badge but it’s me bestowing my a-spec headcanons onto my favs
#Don’t look at me I can’t help it that a bunch of characters I get attached to can fit the headcanon pretty easily#might be a part of why I’m drawn to them tbh xD#Projecting myself onto my blorbos
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ngl the only part of the barbie movie i enjoyed was weird barbie. if they made a whole movie about kate mckinnon playing the visual representation of my childhood feelings on femininity i probably would have enjoyed it. i always loved my fucked up buzzcut leg missing barbies the most.
#idk i gave them to my sister when i was like...less than 5 so i don't actually rmbr playing by myself ever#i played with her though for some sibling bonding time#and she always FUCKED up that fake hair and i ended up cutting it off#...and hiding it in a box that my mom found which made her worried that i was the female ed gein or somesuch#although she did a good job of NOT projecting that fear onto me and didn't tell me until i came out as trans as a like#hey was that related#...anyway yeah idk its just the only part i could relate to as a trans person#never have really been perceived as a man or a woman by people nor did i really have a male or female childhood so#it just doesn't really speak to me idk#its mostly also just bc its a very simplified view of gender in that movie#like yeah i didn't ever experience strict expectations based on being AFAB because#once i got old enough for that to matter to people i was recognizably a lost cause (PCOS + budding transgenderism)#similarly i have yet to been handed the world on a platter for being a man. maybe one day.#so. yeah. ostracization from femininity without any of the perks of masculinity is all i got#which that character did do a decent job of representing... probably mostly on accident#im attributing that more to kate mckinnons acting than the actual script ngl
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