#and its just like. yeah this is depressing but my home isnt even safe for me to be trans in
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horrorsequel · 4 months ago
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chin hair only thing local man likes about himself, mom constantly mentions he should shave it and he says he will later. he is mostly lying.
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spxderslvt · 5 months ago
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On a different note, my depressive state isn’t nearly as bad as it used to be! However my habit of feeling like I need to starve myself is coming back again. I don’t even really know why? I don’t really hate my body that much. I mean, some things yeah. But I know starving isnt going to fix anything? So maybe its just like. Some kind of subconscious self punishment? I mean. I love food. For the most part. I’m willing to try things but at home I’ve been surviving off like. 4 different safe foods and barely eating anything else. Just cause nothing else sounds good. I have like one meal and eat some crackers or apple sauce.
And at this point literally nothing sounds good either so I just put up with my safe foods. I typically forget to eat a lot anyways. Maybe I already had a consistent problem. But now I just want to drink a shit ton of water and coffee and refuse to eat anything except dinner tomorrow because I’m eating my favorite food. But at the same time I’m already mentally refusing to let myself eat the whole meal.
I probably just need to sleep it off? I always get majorly fucked up at night when I’m dealing with BPD symptoms. Anyone else do that? Or have tips?
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zak-shit · 7 months ago
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april 25th 1:23 am check in
i am hot and cold
my mood is a rollercoaster with stripped tracks
im going through a burst of relief recently. i know one way or another, i have to find the light. its always there, sometimes it takes patience before its burning bright enough.
here i am trying to journal for a moment and im tryna sound correct and poetic
ive always looked for, or journaled a bit poetically.
feeling relief upon the darkness because my mom like really wants to, needs to get better.. her mental health is at an atl. absolutely breaks my heart, but for weeks now ive been frozen, overwhelmed because I haven't known how to really help her.. as awful as it is, now that she has expressed/ shown how much she does want to get better.. i feel released a bit. im not alone in it. i know i wasnt alone.. shes the one who is absolutely depressed.. but i felt like the only one who knew that there is a light, and that we have to work hard to get to it. my father absolutely pisses me off about it. because he knows!! how down she is, and doesnt put in any work or thought in improving anything.. and if he wants to say he "doesnt know" i would say thats even worse.. thats your wife and you cant tell? nah theres no excuse for it in my eyes. its just weakness.
and i dont want to view my dad as weak. maybe its more scared? im not sure, but he is strong.. he just needs to face shit. i really dont like that he depends on drinking so much too. it just makes me think like, is your life really that bad? yeah we are poor, yeah you work extremely hard, and long.. i get that.. but ive always wondered like, your home.. your safe.. why is the only/ best way to relax (everyday) by drinking... why cant you be present.. that fully takes you away. hes here everyday yes, but when you have a buzz going on youre not really here. your detached, your in your own world.
jesus the father chapter is long, i dont think ive really gone too much into it in my years journalling. but it is a large, impactful one. its all a domino affect really and he is a strong domino. he isnt the first domino.. (causing all of it) i really dont think anyone is.. except maybe ourselves in our own ways.
we are all our own first domino.
anyways.. i absolutely love my computer. i love chappell roan. Ruby and I decided to go to lollapolloza this year!! aghhh first festival! first plane ride! first time in chicago!! EEE! beyond excited!! GOING TO SEE CHAPPELL ROAN... BITCH!
seriously, cMON!
I believe those were the main things i wanted to jot down on here this evening.. i would love to spill more and more until my brain was EMPTY. however i dont know if that time would ever arrive. I need to wake up early for school drop off c: and im sure it will take me a while to fall asleep.
goodnight, as there is a ton to talk about and work through, i will be back soon. (hopefully) ((i need to))
kayyyy bye byeeee ttyl,
love, zakery shhhhhhhhh
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thewaywardbruja · 2 years ago
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.: I'm Back! :.
( This post is mostly for my twitter followers but I can be long winded here. :)
Hey Guys!
I just wanted to make a post explaining why I have come back to twitter.
I know I left without the intention of coming back. And that was my plan, but I got away, I went to Reddit, to Mastodon, and I just didnt feel home there, I didnt feel history there. Welcomed, yes of course I felt that, but for some reason something was always driving me to come back to twitter.
So I made accounts on Mastodon trying to find myself, who I was and I just couldnt find a place I felt safe, my support of the police became such a product of contention that I couldnt handle it. Two instance owners told me I wasnt allowed to show my support of the police or talk positively about them. That shocked me, and I immediately left.
You want an open and safe space but dont allow the people who join - to talk about things that theyre passionate about, even if its a controversial subject isnt okay with me. You dont like the police? thats fine, but you arent going to stop my voice, and support.
So, I left - I moved around a few times, but making an account / new account on Mastodon is harder than it sounds, and when you do you lose everything and I got bored of that as well.
I just, I never felt comfortable in any of those places. I have been super active on tiktok, sharing my spells and divination, and my witchy journey, and once the weather gets nicer I have so many more ideas!
So I made the decision to come back to twitter, because thats where I have always been. Thats where I have always been home.
The new witchy me is here, and she is stronger than ever.
I am so proud of how far I've come - and the things I have learned in the last few months.
--
How have I been?:
I've been okay, working crazy hours, hanging out with my husband, and working on my practice, shaping it into something I love.
Been reading books, and studying my college stuff.
Still struggling with grief, and depression that comes with losing someone in your life, and every day I am reminded of my grandma in some way, its so hard some days. I still break down with grief. I miss her so much.
Its definately been extremely hard.
I know shes with me, and thats all that matters.
--
White, my spirit guide and I have gotten extremely close, and thats been wonderful and amazing, and I love taking time to spend with her, doing tarot or divination. I often find myself talking to her now, just out loud, or when I get a thought, and its nice to know shes there, listening. <3
---
So yeah, I'm back. And I'm not going anywhere, do not fear <3
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stardancerluv · 4 years ago
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At War
Part 4b
Summary: Roman, takes care of what’s his.
Warning: none
“Zsasz, get us the fuck out of here.” When he climbed back into the Rolls, he saw you shaking and trembling. He exhaled. “Come over here.” Pulling off his mask, he reached over and out it on the passenger seat beside Zsasz who was already tearing through the streets.
He ruffled his hair, looking over he saw you still being consumed by your fear. He was used to seeing people at the other end of his wrath acting like this. He hated seeing you feel like this. He slid over to you.
“Baby.” He whispered. “Come here.” Wrapping an arm around you he pulled you close. He had felt you flinch but then you relaxed. In a breath, you wrapped your arms around him and buried his face into his good side. He ran his fingers through your hair.
Being with you made him face things he disliked, he mused. He was certain you had blood on your face and now that was on his suit. Also this need for comfort, he wasn’t used to giving it. He couldn’t explain it but when you wrapped your arms around him, he actually liked it. Annoyance did not claw at him. If anything, he really wished he could bring you even more comfort.
He’d love to promise you that he will get the head of Gillis but right now he knew best to be quiet. As he held you knowing he killed St. Clair filled him with happiness. She was responsible for the argument the two of you had this morning. The fucking pretty boy got her, he smirked.
The heavy metal door came down behind them as Victor pulled into the underground parking garage.
“Y/N, we’re home.” He tucked some hair behind your ear. “Let’s get you cleaned up.”
You looked up at him. “Cleaned up?”
He pressed his lips together and nodded. “Yeah.”
Worry crossed your face.
“I’ll take care of it.” He said to you. Zsasz, he noticed had opened the door. “Let’s get out of this dank parking garage. Yes?”
You nodded and followed him out of the Rolls. He looked at Zsas, “You know where it goes. Make sure that door is locked and then come up and meet me in my office.”
“Want me to give you sometime?” Zsasz, scratched the back of his head.
He exhaled. “Right now is not the time for games.” He gave Zsasz, a hard look. “Once up in the penthouse make sure the elevator only travels to your floor and mine. I do not want to be worried about it.”
“Sure thing boss.”
******
Silently, he took your hand and interlaced your fingers with his gloved one. Looking at it, he rather enjoyed its kind of odd balance. It was the two of you.
He brought you the bedroom, he stopped short of the bathroom. “Wait right here.” He hesitated at you closet but then he turned to his, you barely reacted to him taking his knife back.
Once in his closet, he shed his jacket. He would have to have another one made. He had been rather fond of the maroon color. Pulling off his gloves, he let them fall onto his jacket. A smile tugged on his lips as he looked at all the knives he had, he out the one you took and placed it where it belonged
Opening the drawer below it, he grabbed one of his t-shirts and a pair of his pajama pants. He knew what you had just got through had been a lot. He didn’t want shock or panic setting it.
With his shirt and pants slung on his shoulder, he led you into the bathroom. “Sit here.” He suggested once guiding you to bench he had in there. He placed his shirt and pants beside you.
You looked up at him. “Is it that bad?”
He put a finger under your chin and drew your face up. He shook his head. “No. But my girl should have to deal with this.”
You gave a soft smile. “Thank you.”
He smiled. “What kind of guy would I be?”
You nodded.
He went over and grabbed a wash cloth, he wet and soaped it up. “As much as I love you looking up at me,” He smirked. “Close your eyes, so I can take care of this.”
Looking, at your face seeing the blood splattered there. Incensed his anger. You were only part of this world because of him. How dare they.
He was just grateful, you had that idea. If he had just gotten the news you being killed. There would be even more blood on the streets tonight.
He would have Zsasz, find out what he could about Vanessa. Thankfully, he had set up the transfer but boy executed it because he waited making sure the plan would work. He had not expected this. The other girls would be upset. Everyone, seemed to like her. David on the other hand, had been a decent driver but he had no connections with the others and no family to speak of. GothamPD could handle him.
More reason, for him to dislike Gillis and her gang. Making more unnecessary trouble. He gritted his teeth
Gently holding your chin as brushed and rubbed the blood away. “Stay this way, now I have to rinse the soap away.”
He threw away the wash cloth. Grabbing a new one he soaked it with warm water he twisted it and grabbed a dry one and you would be set.
When he back, he noticed that tears had run down your cheeks. He sighed, “It’s not your fault. You had an amazing idea. It saved you. And I will make Gillis and her gang pay.”
Your eyes were watery. “Ok. Good.”
He held up the wash cloth. “Hold the dry one for me, baby.”
You took it and he made sure all the soap was gone. He went over it a few times. After drying you off, the wash clothes were on the floor. He’d never use them again. He helped you to your feet.
Easily he helped you out of your clothes. “Ooh.” He made a sound as sweet as he could while letting his finger trace the band of your panties. “These are very nice.” But then he helped you into his pajama pants followed by his t-shirt. “There’s my girl.” He pulled you close and brushed aside the fresh tear.
“Baby, I have to gather my men and protect us here. Now you can lay on the sofa in my office while I talk with Zsasz or you can stay in here.”
You swallowed. “I’ll stay here.”
“Alright, thats my girl.” He smiled. “I am very proud of you tonight.”
“You are?”
“Yes. You had a solid plan and it worked. And those people will pay for what they did.”
You looked down. He drew your face up. “Maybe I will let you scream at them when I capture them.”
You smiled then that made him feel better. He was relieved, he didn’t want you getting depressed. In this world people died, he was just glad you were not one of them.
“There’s the smile that pulled me in.” He smiled. “Ok, I’ll come get you if the need arises. Maybe get some rest. It has been a rough night.”
You nodded.
*****
Roman, was right your plan worked and thankfully it wasn’t you. Perhaps, when things calmed down the two of you could do something for Vanessa’s family, if it was needed. You picked up the discarded wash clothes, your clothes and brought them to the chute that dropped them into the incinerator. You saw where he dropped his suit-jacket and gloves. It was best to let him decide what he wanted to do.
Going the room where you kept your stuff, you gathered Vanessa’s and also put them down the chute. Pushing the button, you let the incinerator do its job.
As you walked back to the bedroom you watched as Roman hunched over maps sipped at some whisky. He undid the first few buttons of his shirt. Seeing him do what he did his best made you feel good, it made you feel safe.
Going back to the bedroom, it was too much work to pull the blankets aside so you laid on top of them. You barely laid down and sleep claimed you.
*****
“Alright, let’s see.” He took a sip of his whiskey. “I want some downstairs in the club and I want the rest spread out in the neighboring buildings.”
“We can do that.” Victor sent out the messages. “Who do we want down stairs?”
“The ones who are directly on my payroll. The other ones,” He pressed his lips together. “Those who uphold and pledge their loyalty can stat staked out in the other buildings. Give them an incentive. A bonus if they stay there ams stay good look outs and support if she comes.”
“Alright good. They should all like that.”
Roman, looked at him. “They better. And of we catch any of them helping her, we take their fucking head.”
*****
Later, much later after he had finally spoken to various groups. He finally decided to sleep. He was ready.
Feeling like he was shedding clothes from a lifetime ago he felt worlds better. It felt good to feel the silk of his pajamas.
He tiredly smiled when he saw that you and cleaned things up. The entire maroon suit went down the chute along with the gloves. Pushing the button, for the second time that night the incinerator roared to life.
Seeing, that you laid on top pf the blankets he would too. He saw anguish splashed across your face. He exhaled, he was tired to his bones with the situation Gillis threw his life into. But carrying for you felt easy, it was like taking care of himself. He went and laid close.
“Daddy’s here.” He breathed close to your ear and pressed a kiss on your cheek.
Draping an arm over your side, he gave himself up to the sleep that had been pulling hard on him.
@darling-i-read-it @spn-obsessed-dean @vintagemichelle91 @xxxeatyourh3artoutxxx @ewanfuckingmcgregor @zodiyack @angel98624 @frenchgirlinlondon @nebulastarr @emyliabernstein @thepeachreads @itsknife2meetu @omghappilyuniquebouquetlove @nomnomnomnamja @poe-kadot26 @top-rumbelle-fan @babydoll97 @hazel-nuss @vcat55 @feelthemadnessinside @rosionis @queenofgotham800 @brookisbi @peachthatdrinkslemonade @johallzy @foreverhockeytrash @frostypenguinoz @starwarsslytherin @proffesionalclown @chogisss @dance-like-russia-isnt-watching @shantellorraine @xxinvisiblexx @pooshnulooshnu @speedypartyducksuitcase @blondekel77 @corey-clown @drarrylov3r @i-cant-hear-you16 @deadlymistress24 @yesqueenofthelight
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Emotions pt 2
This is the extension of when my sister moved out. We had a small group of friends who lived nearby, and we would visit them occasionally. Lets call these people "Family B" So we'd visit them every once in a while, and my sister would always chat with family B and very often go and sleepover with them. Remember, she was still struggling with depression. One day, my mom goes out with our grandma in london. She desperately needed a break, and little did I know. My sister had decided to go to a party against my mom's wishes. This party had boys, and possible drugs and drinks. This was after prom, my sister wasnt even graduated yet. My mom gets angry and texts my sister to go back home, and I'm at home with no idea what happened. The next morning my sister lets in Family B, and for some reason Family B decides to take us. My mother was terrified of what was happening, and was so mentally unstable at that moment. Family B said they weren't giving either me or my sister back. At the time I was 16, but I'd lived a sheltered life so I had no idea what exactly was happening. My sister was 18. Nearly graduating. I had no idea what was happening and just treated this trip as a sleepover, no idea why this was happening. While I was there at Family B's house with my sister, I started to get sick. I threw up and they were trying to give me medication that I'd never had before. I rejected their offer after trying one of their things. I just rested on the balcony, feeling pale as all hell. Exausted and very unwell, at the time I didn't know any of my choices. All I knew was "stay." While that was happening, my sister didn't even help me. She just patted my back in an uncomfortable way, in which I told her to just not to touch me. Then Family B told my sister and I that we'd have to go back. Or at least I would. I vollunteered to go back, telling my sister that she can stay. Her reaction to possibly going back was filled with anxiety and such. I packed my things again, feeling weaker than before. Pulling my backpack upstairs. I see my dad and something lifts me up, suddenly I feel like I have the energy to carry my bag properly. I had no idea what happened there, but i realized. I was supposed to be with my parents, not Family B. I put my bag into the car and sit in the back, noticing my mom in the front. Then she turns around, I'm shocked by the sheer amount of tears on her face. My steeled emotions turned to putty as I realized she wasnt even mad, she was just terrified. We spend most of the time home for a bit, and I'm mostly getting better with her. We talk alot while my sister is gone, and we realize we barely knew anything about each other. I keep going to school and keep feeling heart wrenched while seeing her on the bus. She cries, I cry. But the more I think about it, I did miss her. But the thing I hated was the fact that she took so much time away from me and my mom. She wanted all the attention and energy from my mom when she had none. Me on the other hand was happy with anything, I'd always be happy with even the smallest thing. Like candy bars or a card. I was easily satisfied, and that made it easier on my mom and dad. After my sister graduated, I spent most of my time with my mom. Chatting with her, and seeing her grow. The longer my sister was gone for, the more my mom grew into learning about trauma and how to handle it. She sometimes consulted me about the teachings she was recieving, and I would be able to explain the methods and how to go through with some of them. But most of all I was learning more about her, at that time she loved cooking. Then it turned to resolving trauma, and we looked towards therapy for my mom and sister. While Me, in the middle. I dealt with the frustration of seeing my sister just act like she's being judged too harshly. I just most of all communicated that I was the one watching most of the time, and the stupidest thing came out of my sister's mouth at that time. "You're not the watcher anymore, I wont let you be in the middle." HAH! I'm your sister and Mom's
kid. I will always be in the middle. Then she proceeded to get upset at mom for communicating with me. From which I responded with a small cry, "i want to know". Then she says I dont need to know. But I'd been shut down and left behind in the closet of living a sheltered life. I was much too sheltered and this was both my mom and sister's fault. But now my mom was revealing the truths to me, and I started to see more about reality. Its not easy at all, you have to make sure you get shit done or else you get evicted. You have to make sure you do things or else you'll not recieve legal money from the gov't. The more I talked with my mom and learned about what my sister said about me, the more I felt hurt. Yeah its fine if you told me face to face, but you said that to mom. Pushing her away from me as I moved along all alone with no one to confide to about my own familial issues. When she moved out. I don't know what exactly was going through my head, but I was suddenly completely against my sister coming back. I was paying for the place myself now, and I didnt want it anymore. As in I didn't want the tense feeling that my sister made whenever they came over. Of course, my sister just blamed it on my mom. Saying it's her who is making the air tense. But to be honest, both me and my mom just couldn't handle my sister being back. So the best thing for me and my mom, instinctually I knew. We had to cut her out of our lives. But my mom still held out hope that they would come back. Back to normal, but the more she tried. The more my sister just deteriorated. Now its just me and my mom, safe from anything my sister says now. My mom is finally telling my grandma to stop supporting my sister so she gets a taste of real life. So she understands how hard it is to live by themselves. Honestly they'll always be babied until they actually live on their own, without talking to any people. Just chores and saving money so they wouldn't have to worry about medical bills. But of course, ordering out is more important. Going to starbucks is more important, going to abandoned buildings is more important. Her friends were always more important. This is my goodbye. I refuse to help you in any way because you refused to help mom when she asked. When you came around, you'd lay around and let skittles(her service dog) Bark and affect Sully(mom's service dog) to bark as well. When skittles isnt around sully is perfect. He behaves and doesnt bark at all. Theres so much more I want to write but I'm scared to move forwards to those words, I myself am not ready to say the words left over in my head. So. Good bye, and have a nice life. I still love you but stay the hell away from me and my family.
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harley-style · 5 years ago
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so ive been in spiderio/mystery spider / quenpete hell
And theres this,,,really, really messed up a/b/o plot bunny that wont get the fuck outta my brain. If anyone wants to write it go ahead. Bc i sure wont
Peter is an omega, beck is an alpha
The start goes off like ffh
But the train scene ends up different
Instead of train scene, the moment beck traps peter in an illusion he has this wicked idea
"what if i made peter my mate" which yknow, is allowed bc there are still lotsa not perfectly cut for omegas law in the world. Like
Beck can just hold peter down and mark him. Then mate him for like a few hours then hes done. Peters his now. And the law cant do anythibg about it bc?? U cant break mated pairs
So peter hates beck. Thats a given. But he knows beck is never gonna leave him alone anymore
I should explain the abo dynamics in this. Omegas have this gland in their bodies that when alphas bite it, the alphas can secrete a toxin that is seriously very paralytic to omegas, even out of heat. Alphas can go apeshit if their mate is in danger so its perfectly acceptable for them to keep their omegas under lock and key. When paralysed,the omegas feel like a sense of safety and security from the bite bc of a chemical reaction of the bite gland and the paralytic toxin alphas excrete.
Thats why peter realizes he cant escape beck anymore since hes becks omega.
Our bby gets depressed and shit especially since beck keeps peter weak and paralysed every time beck has to go away because he doesnt want his omego going anhwhere he just wants peter to stay pliant and meek in bed for like, the rest of their lives
But peter is stubborn as fuck. If he cant tear beck a new one the normal way, hell do it another way
So he spends the rest of his life tracking and recording every piece of evidence beck gives him and compiles it into one massive case
He conspires with EDITH on this, who is all too happy to help.
He tips the police off and he gets arrested but so is beck so he's fine
Peter contracts some kind of disease
Also at this point peter's just really gone he isnt happy anymore hes sad angry and bitter and mostly apathetic
He commits suicde
But did you thibk it was over? Haha bitch
Peter wakes up like years in the past right before he gets the spider bite
Hes happy ben's back but like. He doesnt give quite as nuch of a fuck as he used to.
May and ben are really worried like wtf happened to their boy but peter wont talk and tells them honestly something happened that he never wants to tell them about but agrees to a therapist
The therapist they get is a super loveable dude and he takes the time travelling peter in stride
Also hes abjectly horrified to hear what the kid has gone through
Okay moving on peter meets ned again but now theres this kid named miles morales
Yes im going down that route shut up
Miles becomes the neighborhood spiderman and hes not great at hiding it. Peter helps out
It should be noted here that peter is still that angry bitter apathetic man from the last timeline. He got better and still cares for people hes just very done with emotions in general. Also he's numb inside so.
But anyways he helps miles and ned but hes like that cynical bastard who helps in the most unconventional way possible
He also runs into tony stark
There are feelings there
But peter tries to avoid tony and toss miles at him
But miles isnt tony's jam, though the kids great. Tony just tosses him at rhodes and calls it a day (rhodey loves miles and would adopt him in a heartbeat)
peter however, intrigues tony. He keeps pestering the kid until peter just tells him to get away before he can hurt tony which kinda confused tony bc he thought peter hated him for him but to find out that peter was just scared of hurting him...well now tony wants to kill a bitch
The only person who could make peter shpw emotion is tony, actually. May and ben practically adopt tony into their home
Oh yeah bens alive
Bc peter doesnt sneak out as much and tells ben and may when hes coming back and where he is
Also gives a lotta updates (which is honestly just a disguise for peter's fear of never hearong from ben or mag ever again he has to know theyre there and theyre safe)
But yeah basically the ending is peter finds out becks also back and is out to get him
Endgame harley/ peter dont ask me how i just want some keener parker action pls
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a-merman-not-a-guppy · 5 years ago
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It will be alright, alright, alright | Carrotflakes
Finn reaches out to Nemo and Tae after an argument with Ariel. The conversation sort of devolves from there. Talk of prom, goats, etc. Group chats man.
@justkeepdancing-nemo​ @moon-yeongtae​
Finn: hi Nemo! hi Tae! I hope it's not weird to put us all together in a chat like this.
Finn: it might be weird Nemo: course its not weird ahah we've group chatted before :heart: Finn: :heart: Finn: I want to ask you guys Finn: well I want to talk Nemo: yeah? whats up!
Finn: i got in a fight with Ariel? Finn: i mean not physically Finn: though she did. got in a physical fight Finn: with ASHLEY A! Nemo: ohhhhh yeah i heard Nemo: at mei's party right??? Nemo: but wait why did u fight ariel then Finn: everyone's heard. Finn: well she just Finn: she's just so Finn: reckless? i mean she told me not to panic Finn: and I know I panic a lot okay. but whenever she says that I swear my heart rate picks up ten times because I know something's happened Finn: and that she's gonna be super casual about it and laugh about it while I have my tenth heart attack of the year Nemo: oh i see Nemo: she's not taking your worry seriously, thats why? Finn: I guess? I mean she never does really. Which I get kind of. Finn: I worry about everything. I know that. Finn: but the ashleys are really awful and I'll cry if they do something awful to her. Finn: I mean it's one thing if it's me, I mean I get it and I'm used to it. but she's my best friend Nemo: :/ ok well she should take your worries seriously Nemo: i get why you'd be upset over that Nemo: and the ashleys arent a joke! they seriously messed with robbie for months under everyone's noses Finn: I've never fought with her before! But this is so... Finn: god and Robbie! Finn: she talked about how you and Robbie were in the burn book too and were 'doing okay' and acting like none of what the Ashleys do is a big deal. Finn: I reminded her of what they did to me and she said it was more reason to stand up and fight them! Finn: I wouldn't ask anyone to do that! Nemo: i mean i think it is important to stand up... i dunno about fight... Nemo: i just mean that we cant let the ashleys rule our lives but yeah purposefully antagonizing them is bad haha why sneak into a falcon's nest you know! Finn: they've ruled my life for years so I guess it's hard for me to even think about that. Finn: i don't want them antagonized and doing awful things to you or to robbie or to ariel. Nemo: :/ Nemo: i mean i get where ariel is coming from Nemo: and you too Nemo: is she really planning to...uh...fight more? what would that even mean? didnt she like punch ashley a or something Finn: I don't know. I think so? Finn: she didn't give me details which made me a little more suspicious but after I reminded her about what the ashleys did she said Finn: ' Youre only giving me more reasons to stand up to them and not let them get away with all of that' Finn: and Finn: 'I cant just stand by anymore and im sorry if that makes you upset and that i didnt do something sooner' Finn: i'd rather be homeschooled again than be the excuse to pick more fights Nemo: aw jingles i hope she isnt gonna involve you Nemo [deleted]: i already feel like i made you a target as it is D: sdlfkajs Nemo: maybe give it a day?? she could calm down! maybe it wont seem so important anymore Nemo: to her, i mean Finn: I asked her not to but there's really no telling with her sometimes. Finn: she really makes rash decisions! Finn: i hope she will but I don't think so. And now we're not talking so I don't know what I'm gonna do Finn: besides maybe idk Finn: do you think Tae would make sure Ariel stays safe? I could make cookies Nemo: course he would but Nemo: ...i dunno if ariel would uh, like that Nemo: i dont know much about her but from everything you're telling me i mean Nemo: though maybe she could eat lunch with us if that would make you feel better! Nemo: except ur fighting Nemo: well after you make up! Nemo: though maybe having three burn book victims in one place is a bad call.... Nemo: hm Nemo: hold on let me think ahah Finn: I just want her to be safe. But I guess you're probably right. she'd hate it Finn: and I feel stupid for not being able to do anything to keep her safe either Nemo: well no matter what we would ALL be there for her if she needs it Finn: I'm so lucky to know you guys. Nemo: im so lucky i know you finn :heart: Nemo: im sorry there's more ashley drama ugh Nemo: if i could go back to new years eve and do it all over again i really would Finn: there's always drama with the ashleys. Finn: next year they're gone though from school! and then it'll be fine! it'll be good. Finn: but I wouldn't change New Years Eve. I did something I'd never do otherwise and I had a lot of fun with my friends before everything Finn: Ashley A can...she can....ugh I can't insult her yet not even like this Finn: but you know what I probably mean Nemo: i can Nemo: she's a wartface who can choke on tree fungus Nemo: and ashleigh q is a literal monster who needs to be exorcised from the planet Finn: I can't believe I giggled at that. Finn: that's a very unique insult Nemo: ii got plenty more where that came from! Nemo: but i  will keep them to myself and this group chat!
Finn: hahaha that's probably smart. No need to cause more fights. Nemo: all i wanna do iis get through school without getting grounded again im really trying not to get into trouble lol Finn: a good goal to have too. Finn: it'll be fine. We've all got each other. It should be. Yeah. Nemo: yeah! Tae: I CANT BELIEVE I WAS WORKING Tae: ARIEL FOUGHT ASHLEY A? Nemo: omg u didnt hear yet?? Tae: no I was in Jun's all work and no play orbit Nemo: lol did he take ur phone again Tae: yes next time I'm gonna axe murder him Tae: THE POINT IS THAT ARIEL KICKED ASHLEYS ASS YAAAAAAAAY Tae: sorry I hate her Nemo: join the club aha Tae: I can't believe he took my phone at such a critical time I'm gonna point to this as an example that u cant just take a teens phone bc their friends might need them Nemo: well the fight happened like a day ago Tae: does he have to know that? Tae: no Nemo: i dont think this is a very convincing argument anyway tae yah Nemo: say someone was dying Tae: right yes also I'm really sorry finn Tae: I'll protect ariel Tae: if I can Nemo: just dont get in trouble yourself Nemo: can we all try not to get in trouble??? Nemo: we gotta go to prom in a couple of months ago we need CLEAN RECORDS Tae: sometimes trouble just finds u neems did John mcclane ask for trouble Nemo: (prom is real right thats not just in movies..........) Tae: prom is a real (stupid) thing yes Nemo: tae yah u r going to prom Nemo: sorry not sorry Tae: I dont have a suit and we are poor I cant go Nemo: i dont have a suit and im even more poor and im still gonna go Nemo: i bet you can wear jun's suit Tae: jun is an oddly proportioned dorito Nemo: and you're not??? Finn: pfft Finn: I'm not going to prom Tae: I am a beefcake with angelic proportions thank you very much Finn: oh god Finn: no Finn: i mean respectfully Finn: no Tae: wow rude
Nemo: what!!! finnyyy you gotta Nemo: we'll all go together Finn: please no Nemo: D: Nemo: but why not? Nemo: its not an ashley party, its school sanctioned Nemo: there will be chaperones right? Finn: yeah but they'll be there Finn: they have to to get their devil horns Finn: i mean crown Nemo: but there will be grown ups! Nemo: also lol Tae: we could carrie them Nemo: no Finn: isn't that the scary thing with blood?
Nemo: we'll just mind our own business ok Tae: :))))))))) Nemo: we'll dance and eat food and look fit in our suits and be home before 10 because thats my curfew it will be so lame and fun! Finn: alternative plan: we could not go and have an anti prom hang out Nemo: but i wanna go to prom :/ Finn: oh. that's not fair Nemo Finn: i can picture your sad face Nemo: :(((((((((((((((((((((((((( Tae: you cant go with us anyway nemo u have to go with rooooooobbbbbbieeeeeee Finn: NEMOOOOO DDDD= Finn: that's true too Tae: finn do u wanna be my date? I'll fight everyone for u Nemo: i wanna go with YOU LOT TOO Nemo: c'mon Nemo: i wanna do the big group thing Finn: ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Nemo: we have to go to prom at least once Finn: remember the last party we went to? Finn: it can't be that soon to be forgotten Nemo: if not this year then next year when the ashleys arent at school??? Tae: I cant believe I just put my WHOLE HEART ON THE LINE and finn ignored me ya_bae_nemo [this is a snapchat]: 
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Finn: WAIT I'M SORRY Finn: TAEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE Finn: dgpsodjpgojgspdgjdsg Nemo: i meani really wont make you guys go if you dont want Finn: if i were a prom person i would definitely go with you tae of course Finn: wait Finn: why do i have to feel GUILTY Finn: meanies Tae: nemo I'm asking for a date shut ur mouth Nemo: sorry i just realized i was doing the same thing i did at new years!! Nemo: im the worst lol Finn: omg NO Finn: no you're NOT Nemo: nevermind nevermind we'll do anti prom this year that sounds fun too Finn: stooooop it right there Nemo: seriously you're right anti prom could be cool Finn: Nemo Nemo: i mean it! Finn: Nemo: i could go to prom prom next year! Finn: 
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Finn: stop Nemo: WHAT Finn: ugh i don't wanna fight with more than one friend today and Finn: who's to say prom wouldn't be fun if Finn: and ONLY IF Finn: Mr. Hot Date over there doesn't leave for another hot date ever Finn: during the time of this Nemo: we arent fighting Finn: it feels like we could and i don't wanna make you sad Tae: I'll stay by your side the whole time Finn: wow Nemo: no im not sad at all Nemo: you arent making me sad Finn: you sure? Tae: only bc u called me hot ;) Nemo: its too early to be talking about it anyway!! who knows maybe robbie will dump me and i'll be too depressed to go to prom lol Finn: omg. you're both going to kill me Finn: here lies Finn Finn: rip Finn: and if Robbie ever dumps you Finn: he'd be the BIGGEST IDIOT ON THE PLANET Tae: nemo u r literally so dramatic ok robbie is so far up ur ass hes like coming out ur throat Finn: that's gross tae Nemo: im just saying its literally three months away Tae: WHERE IS THE LIE FINN Finn: too vivid a mental picture Tae: what's our color scheme picasso Nemo: the theme hasnt even been announced Nemo: u cant decide that yet tae yah c'mon even i know that Finn: can i make our clothes? Tae: oh hell yes you can Finn: :heart:
Tae: also nemo u can always decide first if ur not a coward cmon Nemo: i think the theme makes it fun Tae: ok fine ur right bc I could be something cool like die hard then I could wear a tank top and no shoes Nemo: id just go shirtless Finn: nooooooo Nemo: rub myself up in blood and oil Tae: hahahaha Finn: sounds like the most terrifying form of prom Nemo: its HOT Finn: blood and oil? Finn: gross Tae: yeah Finn it's for the aesthetic Nemo: its so i can take out the germans Finn: ...... Finn: what Tae: have you never seen die hard either Finn: no? Nemo: omg you dont know my husband john mcclane!!! Tae: do I have to do all the work around here Finn: i guess so Finn: you've never invited me for a movie night this isn't my fault DDD= Tae: nemo we have to make him watch die hard with us Nemo: duh! Finn: is it a scary movie? Nemo: yes Nemo: but cool Tae: no Finn: .... Nemo: there's guns and stuff Nemo: and death Finn: ahhh intense Tae: yeah and a really ineffectual police department Nemo: people die hard lolol Tae: I learned that word today Tae: ineffectual Nemo: i dont even know what that means Nemo: tae yah dont get smarter than me Nemo: its not fair lol Tae: good because I probably used it wrong LMFAO Finn: no Finn: you did fine! Finn: :smile: Nemo: see finn is already smarter than me Tae: jun bought me a word of the day calendar bc I called myself a dumbass last week Finn: wahhhhh Nemo: ahhahaha Tae: so maybe I wont sound like a dumbass while still secretly being the biggest dumbass ever Finn: you are NOT Tae: UNDERCOVER DUMBASS HAHAJAHA Finn: D= Nemo: i'll still sound like a dumbass Finn: DD= Nemo: hopefully i'll be cute enough to make up for it Finn: you guys are making me sadddddddd Nemo: :kissing_heart: Tae: nemo ur the cutest it's ok tell him hes cute finn Nemo: im kidding finn i mean im not super smart or anything but im a fairy so who cares Finn: you're smart and funny and kind and cute? Nemo: oh jingles Nemo: i really wasnt trying Nemo: i didnt mean i mean i really was kidding !! Tae: yeah and I wanna be a cop and if you've seen any movies you dont have to be smart to do that either Nemo: now im blushing Finn: my friends are great! i just wanna hug you guys when you say stuff like that about yourself Finn: and we can talk about pots and kettles but i won't hear it Finn: today at least Nemo: also thats tru tae yah all cops are terrible except for hopefully one day u Nemo: well finny you ARE also smart and funny and kind and cute too Nemo: and kind of a bad ass wow Nemo: i promise i wont call myself a dumbass anymore Finn: i'll try to believe everything but the badass part lol Finn: but good :heart: Finn: YOU TOO TAE Tae: I promise I wont call myself a dumbass out loud anymore Tae: lmfao sorry Finn: -.- Finn: fine i guess Finn: sorry. i just really love you guys a lot Nemo: i love you too :slight_smile: Nemo: tae is just okay :slight_smile: Tae: that's me ok tae Nemo: what we call it Nemo: u Nemo: tae just ok moon Nemo: wow saying it like that was weird Tae: lmfao Finn: tae a great friend moon Finn: moon great friend yeongtae Tae: yeah I hate it too just put moon first white people it's not hard Nemo: omg ok is in tokki Nemo: tOKKi Finn: people should figure out how to say names right though Nemo: mine isnt actually hard im lucky Nemo: people butcher my appa's its awful Tae: tae is easy it's like Taylor's swift Finn: I think they'd butcher mine Nemo: Taelor Swift. Finn: but only my mom and aunt called me it anyway Nemo: tae yah thanks for giving me so many great nicknames for u Finn: taelor swift is good lol Nemo: wait finny u never told me your birth name? Tae: if u call me taelor swift i might kill everyone Nemo: i didnt realize you had one Finn: yeah I don't go by it so most people wouldn't xP Finn: dad said it was 'too hard' to say Finn: and they named me Finn Nemo: yeah i get it i dont go by nammin either Tae: i'm gonna pull a power move and use my goat's name Nemo: omg dont Nemo: tae yahasdfja Finn: isn't the goat just Finn: no wait never mind Nemo: dont get him started Tae: MY GOAT HAS A BEAUTIFUL NAME NEMO Nemo: i know that tae yah Tae: i'll just walk into class one day and pronounce myself Hanuelbyeolimgureumhaennimbodasarangseurouri Nemo: theeeeeeeeeere it is Finn: my eyes Finn: what am i trying to read Nemo: ha nuel byeol im gureum hae nnim bo dae sarang seurouri does that help Finn: i wish it did Tae: HAHAHA it's basically the most genius sibling win ever Tae: i named my goat something that basically means more lovely than the sun sky and stars which are, coincidentally, my sister's names HAHAHAHA Tae: it is my legac Finn: oh my god. i'm a lot slower on trying to read hangul and I got some of it Nemo: it IS pretty hilarious Finn: but not all Finn: wow Nemo: and the goat IS pretty sexy Tae: the sexiest goat Nemo: i want her to call me oppa Tae: HAHAHAHAHA Nemo: >) Finn: oh my god Finn: so is this gonna be Finn: 
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Finn: not judging Finn: lol Nemo: whoa is that a movie about a romance between four men and a goat Nemo: humans are wild Finn: i honestly don't know. I just know this movie exists Tae: that's one i've actually never seen so i can't help Nemo: im gonna believe its a romance between four men and a goat Finn: should we find out? watch die hard and then Finn: a goat movie Nemo: i will watch anything so sure!! Tae: that's true he is a slut for movies Nemo: hey Tae: um i've seen more than u so Tae: i'm the biggest movie slut around Nemo [deleted]: well u werent called a whore so Nemo: lol true Finn: we could do a movie night at my place? Finn: or yours if you want Tae buttttt Tae: no yours is fine Nemo: if its yours i can play with pannieeeee Finn: i was about to brag and show a picture again Finn: i guess i don't have to Finn: xP Nemo: were u gonna show a picture of pannie!!! Nemo: you read my mind!!1 Finn: i mean Pannie is a treasure! i will definitely cuddle him for all scary things! Nemo: guess that means i gotta cuddle tae yah Nemo: sorry tae yah ur stuck with me Finn: guess so. we could both cuddle pannie too, i could share i guess Finn: check this out Finn: 
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Tae: HIS SHIRT Nemo: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Finn: he gets to be stylish with me Nemo: U DID NOT Nemo: did u make that! Finn: of course! Tae: there is no way nemo will cuddle me now look at him Finn: well if nemo desperately wants to cuddle pannie i gueeeeess i could cuddle you tae if you're sad Tae: it's okay i'm a big strong man who doesn't need cuddles lmfao Neems: I CANT BELIEVE U MADE THAT Finn: oh. so you don't want to cuddle me? D= Finn: so very sad Finn: nemo cuddle me with pannie Neems: i will cuddle anyone who needs it tae yah knows im a big rotten coward Neems: HE LOOKS LIKE A GENTLEMAN Neems: sorry im still not over it Finn: =DDD Neems: u should make him a little tie :((( id cry Finn: ooooo that's a good idea Finn: i'll make him a black tie so he can feel fancy Finn: or black bow tie? Neems: both! Neems: one for the office one for special occasions duh Tae: tie the tie around his head so he looks like a karate master Finn: i think he'd just chew that off Finn: but i like the creativity Tae: thank u i'll be here my whole life Neems: tae the tie master moon Tae: omg that sound cooler than taelor swift i'll take it Finn: a bit wordy though. TTTMM Tae: just call me tm Tae: traDEMARK BITCHESSSSSS Finn: hahaha
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fanfics4all · 6 years ago
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Seeing The Past
Request: Yes / No Heyo! If it’s not too much trouble (which is fine if you’re busy!), can I get a 15, and 33 with Rick Grimes? Thank you! @arthur-morgans-sweetheart
Request are closed <3 Have a nice day/night
Rick Grimes x Rhee!Reader
Word count:  1926
Warnings: Glenn’s death  
Y/N: Your Name
Y/N/N: Your Nickname
PLEASE DO NOT STEAL MY WORK, I WORK HARD ON MY FICS AND IT’S NOT COOL TO STEAL SOMEONE ELSE’S WORK!
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Masterlist
(Not my photo, credit to whoever made it!)
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Who knew the end of the world would happen this way? Dead people roaming the earth… People seeing their loved ones as rotting corpse walking around or lying dead on the ground. It was a depressing world, but my brother helped me keep surviving. Glenn Rhee was the one person I was living for still. We may not be related by blood, but he was my older brother (By only a year, but he acted like I was way younger.). I was adopted by his parents before the world went to shit. He was always protective of me and when the dead started walking, he was even more protective. I wasn’t allowed to go anywhere outside of where we were staying without him. He knew I could handle myself, but he didn’t want to take any risks. When our group found Alexandria, Glenn was so happy. He thought we were finally in a safe place and so did I. Glenn, Maggie, and I had our own house with running water and everything! It was amazing that a place like this still existed! It almost felt normal… That was until someone named Negan came into the picture…
Glenn went with some of our people to take care of the Saviors and Negan. I was told to stay back. Glenn and I fought and he ended up winning. Before they left I ran to the gate.
“Glenn!” I called to my brother and he turned around.
“‘I told you you’re staying here!” He said with a slight glare.
“I know, I am. I just wanted to say I love you and you better come back to me in one piece.” I said with a worried tone. His face softened and pulled me in for a hug.
“Y/N/N, don’t worry. We’ll be back before you know it.” He said smiling down at me.
“Please be careful…” I said and he nodded.
“I love you squirt.” He said ruffling my hair. Then I watched them leave and the gate close.
It was a week when the group came back. I watched the gate open and everyone walk in. I ran up to them and looked for Glenn. I didn’t see him. I didn’t see Maggie. I didn’t see Abraham. I didn’t see shasha. I didn’t see Daryl. I looked at what was left of the group confused and worried.
“W-Where’s Glenn?” I asked. Everyone looked at me sadly and the looked at Rick.
“Y/N-”
“Where is my brother?” I asked louder and more worried.
“I’m sorry…” Rick said and my eyes glossed over.
“No… No! He can’t be dead! What did you do!?” I shouted at him.
“Hey, it wasn’t his fault.” Carl said.
“Like hell it wasn’t! It was his idea to go after them in the first place!” I shouted with tears falling down my face.
“I’m sorry Y/N…” He said shaking his head.
“How did he die?” I asked looking at the ground, watching my tears hit the dark ground.
“You don’t want to know.” He said.
“That’s not your decision to make! How did my brother die?” I asked glaring at him through tear filled eyes.
“Negan. We didn’t kill them all… Negan killed him.” He answered.
“How?” I asked not accepting that as the answer.
“You don’t need to know that…” He said.
“Tell. Me. How. My. Brother. Died.” I said determined to know.
“He bashed his head in… there was blood all over the ground…” Rick said and I let out a cry.
“W-where’s his b-body?” I cried.
“Maggie took it with her to Hilltop. Her and Sasha.” He answered.
“This is your fault.” I said and ran into my house.
That happened months ago, but I remember it like it was yesterday…  My brother was dead. The one person that I was surviving for is dead. The rest of the group had been keeping their eyes on me because they thought I was a danger to myself. They weren’t wrong. I was a danger to myself, that’s why they took all my weapons from me. I could hear my brother’s voice every day and it was driving me crazy. He would tell me how this isn’t how mom and dad would want me to act. How he was worried about me. How I should leave my room. How I shouldn’t have hurt myself. How I should be living my life like he taught me. How I should be surviving…
“Hey Y/N?” The voice of the man I never wanted to see again rang through my room. I didn’t answer and just kept staring at the wall.
“Are you okay?” He asked. Again, I ignored him. He sighed and I felt him sit next to me on my bed.
“Glenn wouldn’t want you living like this.” He said and I looked at him for the first time since he told me my brother was dead.
“Don’t you say his name.” I growled at him.
“Y/N, Glenn would want you to survive, to fight-”
“He’s dead because of you!” I shouted getting up.
“Negan killed him not-”
“You’re the reason he was out there in the first place! He only went because of you! You killed him!” I shouted crying once again.
“I’m sorry…” He sighed.
“Get out.” I said.
“Y/N please, just let me talk.” He said and I growled.
“Get the hell out of my house!” I shouted and threw a book at him. Rick got up and I heard him shut the front door. I sat back on my bed and hugged my knees crying.
“You need to forgive him.” I heard Glenn say.
“He killed you…” I said looking up at him.
“No Y/N/N, Negan killed me not Rick.” He said and I shook my head.
“You went because of Rick…” I cried.
“I went because of you. I wanted to keep you safe and I knew that would be the only way to do it.” He said and I stared at him.
“You died because of me then?” I asked crying more.
“No, I died because of Negan.” He said and I swear I could feel his arms around me.
“You need to forgive Rick.” He said.
“Only if you don’t leave me again…” I said.
“I’ll never leave you.” He said and again I swear I could feel him kiss my head like he always did.
A week after that Glenn kept telling me to forgive him. I figured Rick would come check up on my again, but he never did. My brother told me to leave the house and apologize and forgive him. So for the first time in months, I showered, got dressed in something other than just Glenn’s clothes, but I still wore his sweatshirt. I walked downstairs and grabbed the handle to the front door.
“Just open the door Sis.” He said and I took a deep breath.
“You’ll be there with me right?” I whispered. I thought I felt his hand on my shoulder.
“Always.” He said and I opened the door. The sunlight felt nice on my skin, I haven’t seen it in so long. I could feel everyone looking at me. I kept my head down and walked to the Grimes’ house. I knocked on the door and after a few minutes I looked up to see Carl answer.
“Y/N? You’re- You’re here…” He said shocked and I nodded my head.
“Um… is your dad home?” I asked and he nodded.
“Yeah, come on in.” He said moving to the side. I walked in and he called up to his dad. Rick walked down and looked at me shocked.
“Carl, why don’t you go check on Rosita.” Rick said to his son. Carl nodded then left the house.
“Is everything okay, Y/N?” He asked.
“Forgive him.” My brother’s voice said to me.
“I’m sorry I blamed you… Glenn wouldn’t blame you.” I said and he looked at me shocked once again.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t bring your brother back to you.” He said walking closer to me.
“It’s okay… I know he’s always with me.” I said and Rick pulled me into a hug. I looked behind him to see Glenn smiling at me.
After that day Rick was keeping me close to him. He was actually really sweet and caring. He actually asked me on a date, which I thought was weird seeing as it was the end of the world, but I accepted. It was surprisingly nice, he made dinner, we watched some movie he had in their house, and the night ended with a kiss. It was a pretty nice night, and I haven’t had one of those since Glenn died…
We got into a relationship and everyone was shocked to say the least. But when they saw my smile back they understood. They were happy to see me back to normal. Well to them I was normal, but my brother haunted me. I wasn’t even sure if it was his ghost or if he was something my mind made up to help me cope. Rick wanted me to move in with him and Carl after a few months, but I was scared to. I didn’t want him to know about Glenn…
“Glenn?” I asked when I didn’t see him with me.
“Glenn? Where are you?” I asked my eyes starting to water. There was no answer.
“Glenn please!” I called out and tears left my eyes.
“Glenn, Don’t die on me– Please.” I cried holding my knees to my chest.
“Shhh, I’m right here Y/N/N.” I heard him say and I looked up to see him smiling at me.
“Where were you? I thought you were gone again.” I said sobbing.
“I’m sorry, Sis, I didn’t mean to scare you.” He said.
“You can’t leave me like that! I can’t do this without you!” I said and he pulled me to him.
“Don’t worry little sis, I’m never leaving you.” He said.
“I love you Glenn.” I said.
“Y/N?” I heard Rick’s voice. I looked up and saw him looking concerned.
“Rick? What are you doing here?” I asked and looked my brother.
“Who are you talking to?” He asked looking around my room.
“N-No one…” I said.
“I heard you say your brother’s name. Do you see him?” He asked walking closer to me.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about…” I said and glanced at my brother.
“Tell him.” Glenn said and I shook my head.
“No…” I whispered, but Rick heard.
“You are seeing him… How long?” He asked.
“I’m not seeing my-”
“Don’t lie to me.” He said sitting next to me on the bed.
“How long?” He asked.
“Since he died…” I said and he sighed.
“Y/N, he’s gone…” He said and I shook my head.
“No! He said he’d never leave me!” I cried and he pulled me to him.
“He’ll always be in your heart, but he’s not here Y/N.” He said and I shook my head.
“I can’t do it without him…” I said and he pulled my face up to look at him.
“You have me.” He said and looked into his eyes.
“I love you Y/N, and I’m going to do right by Glenn and protect you. Including protecting you from yourself.” He said then captured my lips in a kiss. It was sweet and mixed with the saltiness of my tears.
“Let me help you.” He said and I nodded.
“Okay…”
Tag list: @les-bio-lie @tashy-bear @xrosesareredx @herokyolachan @ashwarren32 @hollie-blogs @schisbro87 @lover-of-books-and-teas @nerdygaloresposts @alex--awesome--22 @teenwolfbitches2 @genius2050 @drw0301bieber @tigermillionaire-philanthropist @marveloverdcsstuff
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nightmaretyrantvantas · 6 years ago
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So I have a rant and a half build up of rambling about my very first Percy Jackson Oc Elysia and I need to let it spill so all of you get to hear this info dump about her and my feels
Im putting a trigger warning here I made her when I first read the whole series a few years back. Her backstory isnt the happiest. So im going to put trigger warnings for mentions of (but not going into detail of) abuse, self harm, suicidal thoughts, so if you cant handle mentions of that please dont read this I dont want to upset you
Anyways I have years of work into this bab of mine and I need to get it all out
Also An important thing to note is the timeline of her(and my other ocs) stories. Basically it kinda takes place...as if Trials of Apollo didnt happen?? Sorta? I made her before it ever came out and set her story after Blood of Olympus before trials of apollo was announced so its basically diverges after Blood of Olympus...if that makes sense...I hope it does. 
So basically....At the start of her story Elysia is 13 Nico is 16(from what I remember its been about two years since I read the books so please forgive me)
Ok this might jump around alot because im kinda word vomiting and info dumping about her so if something doesnt make sense please feel free to ask me to clarify I love to
OK SO MY BAB
So her full name is Elysia Angela Melina and shes a Daughter of Hades. At the start when she gets to camp shes 13.
Im going to attatch two pictures ive drawn of her to the post here
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This is her with a referrence sheet of her at 13-14 and the digital picture is one of her at the present time that I tend to write about her at age 16.
So Elysia doesnt have things easy. She comes from an abusive household that really fucked her up mentally and emotionally before she got to camp. She ran away at 13 after getting kicked out of her sixth or seventh school and thigs got ugly at home. Stuff happened and she was brought to camp(im refining and probably going to redo how that happens) and well...she doesnt exactly fit in.
Shes on the shorter side for her age and shes lanky and skinny(partially from both skipping meals and sometimes only eating when she can sneak food at home) and she comes onto the scene wearing oversized hand me downs in all dark colors and long sleeves thats got a clear fearful and insecure posture and stance and is always trying to blending into the background and hide from being noticed. Shes got a thick mane of not very well cared for black hair and eyes so dark in color they look completely black, sometimes even in the light with pretty dark bags under them highlighted by really really too pale skin. So it makes her an easy target to be bullied ya know? But she silently takes it like she always does while clutching this beat up little backpack she ran away with as shes put in the Hermes cabin until she’s claimed(which has a 1-3 day delay depending on the god, because a lot of kids come to camp especially at the start of summer) 
When she gets claimed she freaks out and panics because everyone is staring at her and shes suddenly the center of attention because it happened in the middle of the campfire.
So begins the bonding with her big brother.
Shes got alot of inner turmoils and traumas and problems and inner demons and as a result she has undiagnosed anxiety disorders, depression, and some PTSD along with a very low amount of self-esteem and confidence in herself from the ordeals of before reaching camp. Though once shes at camp and she eventually settles in she starts recovering bit by bit. She slowly gets close with nico(it starts kinda awkward for both of them and she comes off really quiet and shy and terrified of sudden movement so its a little hard but they overcome it)
 By the end of her first year at camp shes gotten close to Nico but has a really hard time making friends with other campers her own age so she ends up sticking close to Nico and following him like his shadow because theres a period of time that heś the only person Elysia feels even remotely safe and comfortable around. And as a result at first she spends alot more time with Nico’s friends and various members of the Big Seven and she gets close to them as well(more to her siblings at first but she gets there shes a nervous bean give her time)
Though in the middle of that first year she meets a girl that soon becomes one of her best and closest friends, a daughter of Hephaestus named Karter Becks(the second oc for this fandom I made) and I’ll get to more about their friendship later.
So by the second year at camp shes settled in a little, shes decidedly become a year-rounder because she would rather be eaten by a harpy than go back to “that horrible place”as she dubs it(not to mention its very very dangerous for her outside of camp)
More things about Elysia!!!
At thirteen she had absolutely NO control of reign of her abilities. She couldnt raise or summon the dead, her shadow travel was horribly spotty and half the time she couldnt even do so correctly and her most experience with spirits is that she can sense them and she can hear and speak to them but she cant really see them( they appear as really really blurry shapes that hurt her eyes to look at for too long) of course she beats herself up over this lack of skill, mostly because she(stupidly but understandably) compares her lack of teaching and training and beginner skill level to Nico’s at the time current skill level. Yeah its dumb and yeah in the back of her mind where her common sense is she realizes this but she cant stop herself from doing so, just like she unfairly to herself compares her sword fighting skill to older campers that have been there longer. 
She eventually gets her own sword of Stygian Iron, because no matter what else she tries no other swords feel...right to her. They’re always too heavy or too light too awkward to hold dont work right with her swings or just dont feel right to her so at some point shes overthinking herself to death about it and beating herself up for being too picky when Karter suggests innocently that she tries swinging around her brother’s sword. “After all Elys, whats the worst that would happen, that it feels too heavy?” 
But what ends up happening is that though its too heavy for her, it still feels...right. The best way to describe it is that she feels more connected to her powers and to herself in a way. After hearing that she gets her own of Stygian iron and its...perfect to her. Its not too heavy on her wrist or too light to wield. And afterwards she actually starts getting some more confidence which helps her improve a little faster than before.
Once Elysia is fully apart of camp life it takes a long time for it to fully click that her belongings...are hers and her likes and interests and likes are respected. They wont get taken away or threatened, she doesnt have to hide what she likes or pretend she doesnt like one thing or another. She’s free to be her own person for the first time in her life and she struggles for awhile to adjust to that and accept it. Those struggles result in alot of scattered breakdowns and even one or two...relaspes that for once in her life she has a support system of her half brother and half sister, his friends, her two close friends, and chiron to catch her and help her back to her feet. She has people to lean on and depend on and not have to be afraid of and this helps alot into her recovery and acceptance of herself and her mental illnesses. It takes her two of the three years shes been at camp for her to get at the better place shes at when shes 16, where she now has a small group of good friends, shes managed to bring up some of her self-esteem and self  confidence, shes been clean for a year and shes in therapy for her PTSD and depression and shes opened up more to those around her and shes not the terrified jumps at her own shadow kid but a more quiet but kindhearted and sometimes even giggly teen whose slowly getting her life back together with plans for the future.
But on the topic of things she likes...
This girl loves-no ADORES animals, all kinds mythical or not. She didnt show it at first but she was so SOOOO excited when she realized the camp had Pegasi even though she tried to keep a distance from them because she realized she made them nervous. Oh man you shouldve SEEN her when Chiron took a group of campers her age into the woods and they caught a glimpse of a passing through unicorn. She was giddy about it for DAYS guys. She just...she has so much love and admiration and excitement for animals its so cute you guys.
Elysia also loves(ironically) learning about Mythology, from all over the world. Its her special interest and when she finds and buys a old broken touch screen phone(or one of those touch screen i-pod or something) and gets Karter  to fiddle with it and (eventually after shenanigan filled misadventures of trying to upgrade it to not be detected by monsters and fix the cracked screen) she fills that thing to the brim of downloaded auidobooks of different mythologies as she can and she listens to them when doing schoolwork(she ends up having do be “homeschool” by online classes because things just do not go right when trying to attend schools outside of the protected borders)
She also loves anything soft. Especially stuffed animals. Oh my god she loves stuffed animals, well into her teens. She had one she managed to bring with her to camp that is her ultimate comfort object, a older beat up and been through a life time of ringers and back stuffed husky doll that she cherishes and takes care of like one might take care of gold. Over time (once they found out her birthday--October 5th) she starts getting stuffed animals as presents or just even as little splurges on herself . She also loves soft blankets soft clothes soft anything. She loves the texture and feel of it and it makes her happy.
She’s an aspiring writer and songwriter and can even sing a little but she has no confidence in her ability in any of those. But she has boxes and piles of notebooks and journals filled with little cartoony doodles and pages upon pages of stories and songs shes been writing for years now
Fun fact during her first year at camp Percy and Annabeth dropped by for a visit during their winter break to visit friends and I have this whole little story I might post about hoe when Percy’s walking to go meet someone he finds Elysia sitting alone at the beach doodling animals in her journal and he goes up to her(shes sitting all curled up so at a distance it probably looked like she was crying or something) to see if shes ok and because Nico had been telling him about her via iris messages and updates since she got there but he didnt get to meet her during the summer(stuff happened and she kinda hid from alot of people) but he finds her and he sits with her(after announcing his presence because Nico has told him about her being very jumpy and easily scared and that at that point hes the only one she really opens up to so dont take offense to it) and they sit for a bit and Percy asks her about her doodles and she just, for the first time like ever, she starts to open up because she gets so freaking excited and hyper about it that she just starts babbling away about her doodles and the animals of them and then about animals in general and she goes on this whole, like 30-40 minute info dump/ rant about them complete with diverting tangent questions that she answers herself before continuing with this just lit up and openly happy and ecstatic expression as she goes on and on while hes sitting there just listening to her and smiling down at her partly nostalgically because at that moment she reminds him so much of how Nico was when he first met him and you got him started on Mythomagic and that shes being so open about her excitement and then she looks at him and realizing what she was doing and she shuts herself up now panicking about how much she just word vomited on her big brother’s friend and more importantly this huge shot demigod Son of Poseidon whose saved the world not once but TWICE and who is probably very busy too busy to be hanging around with her--you get the idea of her panicking until Percy slowly reaches out his hand and she nods to let him know its ok and he ruffles her hair and tells her its ok he liked listening to her and holy shit I went on a tangent about that. 
She also has alot of sweet bonding moments with Nico and Hazel because they teach her about having a loving and caring family and what thats like and its really sweet and cute and emotional
Did I mention she likes taking Nico’s shirts? Oh yeah she likes “borrowing” Nico’s shirts, and some of his jackets, mostly t-shirt and long sleeved shirts because once they get close his scent and presence really relaxes her nerves if she gets anxious. Of course its not stealing, its just borrowing and eventually giving back on laundry days...or he just lends it to her without being fully aware of it. Its cute because shes so short that they end up really big on her and she loves flapping the sleeves and the feeling of being engulfed in the safety of his presence without him even being there
ANYWAY COUGH COUGH 
uhhhhhhh....yeah thats alot about her huh I think i’ll leave you all with that to take it and make sense of and I might make a part two(or you guys can ask about her too) 
and yeeeeeeeeeee thats my PJO oc Elysia Melina!!
@phantommoonpeople 
@kid-crashed
@demidorks (im sorry if im bothering you by tagging you youre one of the pjo blogs I follow and one of my favorites)
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13-timeslove · 6 years ago
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Thirteen Time Ch1: The Docks
“I can’t believe he made pushed up my deadline again!” You groaned loudly into your Akita plushie. “I told him that this part of the manuscript needed more time considering I had to do more research! And what does he do?! Pushed up another fucking week!”
Your roommate Alice sighed as you continued to roll in your bed. She placed her hot milk onto the side table before sitting by the edge and patting your head. You only groaned once more before rolling into her lap. “My editor is an ass”
“You could always get a new one”
“...but he’s a good editor” you sigh dramatically.
“Then don’t complain sweetie”. Alice began to stroke your (h/c) hair as you laid in her lap, a small habit that has formed between your friendship. “Besides, it’s only one week difference. How bad can it be?”
“It’s awful when you have writer’s block”
“Oof”
You turned your head around, looking up at the black haired girl. “Why couldn’t I be smart like you? I wish I had your brain” She started laughing.
“Bitch you don’t want my position! Medical school is such a pain in the ass. You’re the lucky one with your brilliant creative mind, and nagged a job right out of college”
“Shut uppp. You’re better than me”
“No I’m not. And make me” she said while slapping a pillow to your face.
You squealed and rolled off her lap in an attempt to escape her attacks, sitting on the floor giggling to yourself. Alice followed suit and sat next to you, giving you the chance to rest your head against her shoulder. “This is why you’re my best friend”
“This is why I’m your only friend”
“Ouch!”
“Kidding”, you both laughed together. This is what your life with her was like, sarcastic jokes and compliments that neither of you would truly accept.
Alice was there for your since the beginning of college, from the time you accidentally spilled ink on her white pants because of sleep deprivation, to your graduation last year, and even to your heartbreaks. She was always there.
“Hey, Alice”
“Yeah?”
“What time is it?”
“Bout 5:30, why?”
You got up from the ground, and grabbed your blue jacket from the floor. “I’m going to take a quick walk, maybe seeing the sunset will clear my writer’s block”. Alice leaned over your desk to toss a small box over to you.
“Don’t forget these”. You caught them, knowing very well that they were your candy cigarettes. “Still don’t understand why you like that stuff?”
“Because they are yummy” you replied happily. She only scoffed, shaking her head sighing. “Don’t wait up. I’ll be back in half an hour”
“Be safe”
“Will do!”
You started to head out of your apartment complex, walking down the street. You pulled your iPod out of your pocket and continued to walk down the street. “High hopes” was blasting through your headphones, and you honestly didn’t care about the people staring at you head banging in the middle of the side walk. Hell, you even made eye contact with them and mouthed the lyrics hoping they would sing along somehow (some did fortunately).
Eventually, you felt the cold breeze of the shore biting at your open skin. You zipped up your jacket close. Pulling out the candy box, you took out a candy cigarette and placed it between your lips.
You found a spot close to the edge of the wooden rail and leaned against it. Chewing the end of the candy cigarette, you found that all stress in your body left. The sun was close to falling behind the waves, giving the sky a red and purple ombré (you couldn’t help but take a photo for instagram). This is nice, you thought.
....
....
“No, no girl. Leave her be”
You felt a nudge at the end of your leg, seeing a small dog bitting at your jeans. If you were a cartoon character, your head would’ve exploded at how cute this dog was.
“Hi baby!” You said in an overly high pitched voice. You knelt down to its level, letting the cutie jump in your lap and lick your hand.
A low chuckle echoed your ear, making you realize that there was still the owner on the other end of the leash. Whoops.
“Seems like she likes you” ooohhh he’s British.
“Heh, I’m glad” you tried to look up at him, but with the sun in your face you really couldn’t get a good look. You held your hand in front of your face, making an awkward smile. “Sorry I petted your dog without asking first. She’s just really cute”
You got up. “No no, I don’t mind. I’m just surprised. Frankie isn't really open to people on the streets. You’re the first”
“I have been chosen” you joked around. The sun started to set behind the sea, but when you tried to look back at the man in front, your eyes took longer to adjust. All you saw of him was his baseball cap.
“Do you mind if I have one?” You cocked your brow.
“I’m sorry?”
“A cigarette. Do you mind if I have one?” He was pointing at the white stick at your mouth, and you pulled it away realizing what he was referring to.
“Oh, um yeah you can. But they’re not cigarettes. They’re candy cigarettes”
“Those things exist?”
“Yeah actually” you laughed out. “But they’re made of sugar rather than tobacco. So sorry”
“No it’s fine. Um” he paused and started to rub his neck. A little embarrassed that he didn’t realize the damn thing wasn’t even glowing. “C-Could I have one still?”
“Sure” you smiled back. You opened the box again, giving the stranger a white sugar stick (author: why does that sound like a weird lingo for a drug...). He placed part of it in his mouth, chewing at the end.
“Oh god, its so plain”
“It’s unique taste” you laughed at him.
The two of you ended up leaning against the rail. Watching the waves crash over each other through the slightly dim sky. You didn’t like pure silence, so decided to try and make a conversation.
“Based on the accent, I assume you’re not from here? Or at the very least, new around here?”
You heard a chuckle escape his mouth, and honestly it was pretty soothing. “Yeah. I’m not from around here”
“Visiting or work, if you dont mind me asking?”
“Sorta for work. I um...I just finished a big project with my friends. We’re celebrating here, and have a um, contest coming up”
“Oh cool! What research did you guys do? Wait! Are you the guys who participated in the research regarding experimental drug for those who suffer from extreme GAD?”
Even though it was dark, you didn’t have to see his confused face as you threw all these questions at him. Well, that and the awkward laugh gave it away. “I’m sorry, but, wh-what?”
You brushed your hair behind your ear, embarrassed. “Sorry. I just realized that project can refer to multiple things, and my brain immediately went to medical research for some reason”
“Are you medical student by any chance?”
“Oh god no, that field is too advanced for me. I just like reading about medical discoveries”. He smiled at your response, a little astounded at how excited you got over it. “Sorry about that”
“It’s fine” he laughed, almost spitting out the candy cigarette. “Our project was actually a film we’ve been working on. It’s been a long process”
He looked off at the distance. His hat was shadowing his face, but if you focused, there were distinct bags under his eyes.
“It must have been exhausting”.
“Yeah it was” He smiled lightly. “There were a few bumps in the road, but...we all managed”
He pulled the candy cigarette from his mouth, looking at the chewed end. Maybe it was the fact that he didn’t have a real cigarette that made him look depressed, but you knew that it was something else. Being the cheesy person you were, you pulled a penny from your pocket and placed it on the rail near him. “What’s this?” He asked.
“Penny for your thoughts? It, seems like those bumps were a bit more exhausting that the whole project”
“Am I that obvious?” He sighed when he grabbed the shiny cent.
“No. I’m just that good at reading people”. You leaned on the rail, twirling the candy between your teeth. “When people experienced hardships, they either need to talk about it, or push it away. What kind are you?”
“...with people I know...I push it away”. You leaned forward to look at him, the back of his head facing you.
“Well...luckily you don’t know me”
And for the first time throughout this whole conversation, this guy that you’ve been talking to for the past fifteen minutes, finally faced you. Your eyes adjusted to the darkness, and you could see him.
He was handsome, no doubt about that. Young, but at the same time, has worn out features such as his eyes. He gave you a full on smile, averting his eyes to the side.
“What’s your name?”
“...(y/n). Whats yours?” You smirked.
“I am Nobody”
you laughed at him again. “Odysseus fan, who would’ve guessed”
“You wouldn’t” he smirked as well. You paused at the conversation, thinking about what he said earlier.
“You asked me my name so you would get to know me. And therefore, not tell me your hardships, didn’t you?”
“...god damn you really are good at reading people aren’t you?”
“Good is an understatement”
You felt your phone ring, and when you looked down, you saw that it was a text form Alice.
Girl get your butt home. I am about to call the cops to get you home safe.
“Boyfriend?” He asked you.
“No. Best friend. My cue to leave”. You squat down to pet Frankie before you left. “By girlie”. You got back up. “Nice talking to Nobody new”
“It’s a good name”
“Just don’t take it seriously”
“What do you mean?”
You started to walk off the boardwalk a little, but looked back at him one more time. “Nobody means someone who isnt worth something. But if you look at it as another way, Nobody always refers to somebody”
“...you’re an interesting character aren’t you (y/n)?” You smiled at him, before giving Nobody a quiet nod and walked off the boardwalk. Passing by more people as you left.
Nobody, that’s absolute BS.
“Hey, there you are! Gwil and I have been looking for you everywhere”
Their friend only looked down the boardwalk, and they waved his hand over his eyes. “Ben?”
“...Rami. I”
“You good dude?”
“I...I just met someone”
“And?” Gwil started. Ben pulled the candy cigarette out his mouth, staring at it.
“Guys, where can I get more candy cigarettes?”
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cosmichoneyedblossoms · 6 years ago
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White Sands
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MERMAN Shownu X Reader
Genre: Fluffy
Word Count: 2,894
A/N: Okay, so, not gunna lie, this one was hard to write, but also fun! Thank you @xkpopobsessedx for helping me create ideas for this cutie! Anyway, I hope y’all enjoy!
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Day One: 8:00 PM
“It’s been so long since we’ve been on a vacation together. What’s it been like, five years?”
“Mmm...” I hummed, scrolling through my phone. My mother tapped my leg, my eyes dragging up to see her face, “What?”
“Put your phone away. We’re going on this trip to get you out of your funk since that stupid boy broke your heart.”
“Can we not talk about Dean, please...” I asked, turning my head to look out the window.
“This four day get away at the beach should help you.”
“Yeah, because the ocean and sand can help me get rid of my depression...” 
“Don’t be like that, Y/N...” She whispered and I tuned her voice out as I watched the trees turn into beaches, tan sands fading almost to white due to the season change. The water soaking in the still warm air and bright sun, resting upon the shore line waiting to cover someone’s feet; I bet it’s starting to get cold, not like we’ll probably swim anyway. 
“We’re here.” We pulled up to a house that sat on the beach. The siding of the house colored a cerulean blue, fashioned with dark wood steps leading up to the door; even though the house was weathered, it still held some beauty. We stepped out of the car, pulling our luggage from the trunk, and then made our way up to the door. My mother opened the deep red door and we were greeted by the squeals of my older sisters, Anessa and Samantha.
“So glad you guys could finally make it.” Anessa took our mother’s luggage from her, sliding it over to the side of the couch.
“I’m sorry, girls. There was so much traffic on the highway.”
“No surprise there.” Sam grunted from the couch.
“Sorry to interrupt, but will you show me to my room, please?” I asked, Anessa skimmed over me, placing her hands on her hips.
“Well, aren’t you a sight for sore eyes. It’s been so long since I’ve seen you. I think the last time I saw you was at Christmas dinner with De—”
“All right, all right, let’s not pester, Y/N. She’s had a long week. Sam, honey, show her to her room, please.”
“Ah, okay, mom.” Sam replied, getting up from the couch. I followed her down the hall to the last room on the left and she opened the door, “Let me know if you need anything, okay?”
“Mmm...” I nodded and walked into the blinding room. Pale blue painted walls, dark wood flooring, driftwood colored furniture, white bedding, and a window seat facing the ocean.
Cute...
I opened my bag, unpacked my clothes into the dresser, then closed the curtains over the windows, and finally laid down on the bed, resting my eyes.
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Day Two: 4:00 AM
I opened my eyes to a dark bedroom, the sound of the ocean waves seeping into the room.
How long have I been out?
I pulled my phone from under the pillow, the screen lighting up to show 4:02 on the clock. I laid my phone down, turning on the lamp on the side table, then getting up to pull a sweater from the dresser. I tugged it on, slipping on my shoes, and stepping out of the bedroom into the dim hallway. I padded my way across the floor into the dining room, sliding the glass balcony door open, letting the sea salt tainted air kiss my face. I closed the door behind me and walked down the balcony stairs, down into the sand. The sound of the waves crashing soothed my numb mind, my body being pulled closer to the shore; I sat down close to the water, watching it roll in and drift back out, when something moving through the water caught my eye.
A person swimming at this time of night?
I watched the body move closer and closer until I could make out his features in the moonlight— shaggy dark brown hair, soft cheek bones, but killer jaw line, thick lips, and sharp eyes.
Wow, he’s gorgeous...
He came closer until his body rested on the shore, everything but his head still under the water, “Hey...”
Is he talking to me?
I looked around, searching for someone else he could be talking to when he spoke again, “Who are you looking for?”
“I was making sure you were actually talking to me.” I confessed, tugging at the sleeves of my sweater. His eyes wrinkled as a beaming smile appeared on his lips.
“What is a beautiful girl like you doing out here in the middle of the night?”
“I could ask you the same thing. Isn’t the water cold?” I asked, moving closer to him, the water starting to touch my feet.
“Not really. I live in the water so it doesn’t really effect me.”
“Ah, you mean you’re always coming out to swim—”
“No...” The water splashed behind him and I leaned to the side, the dark red color coming into focus, “I’m a merman.” I got up to my feet, traipsing into the water, the iciness making me hiss, but I needed to make sure he wasn’t playing around with me, I needed to see if he was telling the truth.
“I thought mermaids and mermen were just old sailors tales, not real life...?” I questioned as he turned over, sitting on the ocean floor, his waist submerged under the water.
“We stay hidden for our safety.” He lifted his tail, the deep red iridescent scales glittering under the moonlight.
“What a shame, you’re a beautiful creature...” I ran my hand over his scales, his tail twitching at my touch. I flicked my eyes up to his face, his cheeks ruddied and his bottom lip caught between his teeth, “I’m sorry, I touched you without even asking,”
“No, no, that’s okay. I was just shocked you actually came out into the cold ocean to touch me.” He teased, his wet locks fell onto his forehead as he lifted his hand, “I haven’t introduced myself yet, I’m Hyunwoo, but you can call me Shownu.”
“Oh,” I took his hand into my own, shaking it, “I’m Y/N.”
“A beautiful name for someone like you.” My cheeks burned at his statement, his chestnut eyes stared into mine, his hand pulling me close, “Y/N...” My name bubbled from his lips, his voice hypnotizing me, “I’m sorry, but the sun is starting to come up, so I must take my leave.”
“Oh...” I turned towards the horizon, hints of pinks starting to tint the sky, “Has it really been that long?”
He grunted to my question, “Can I see you tomorrow night, well I should say tonight?”
“Of course you can, if you want to.” A smile spread over his lips, his teeth peeking through his lips.
“Lovely. Meet here at midnight?”
I nodded, biting my lip.
“I’ll see you tonight, Y/N.” Shownu swam out into the ocean, soon diving down and disappearing.
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Day Three: 12:00 am
“You came, Y/N.” Shownu laid against the shore, just as he did the night before.
“Did you think I wouldn’t?”
Shownu pondered my question then shrugged, “I wasn’t sure, but I’m glad you did.”
“I actually came prepared this time, too.”
“What do you mean by that?” He asked as I pulled off my sweater, Shownu clearing his throat, “Y/N, what’re you doing?”
“Taking off my clothes, so I can get in the water in my bathing suit and keep my street clothes clean and dry.” I laughed, seeing his cheeks flush.
“I thought you were—”
“Oh, I know what you thought.” I teased, tossing my shorts with my sweater away from the shore and stepping into the water, taking a seat next to him. He cleared his throat once more, scooting closer to me, peering into my face.
“Y/N?” 
“Yes?”
“Has anyone ever told you that you have the prettiest eyes? Especially in the moonlight?”
I laughed a bit, nudging him, “Has anyone ever told you that you’re such a flirt?” Shownu let out a chuckle leaning into me, sighing comfortably, “I do have a question for you, Shownu.”
“And I have an answer for you... probably.”
“If staying hidden was to keep you safe, why did you show yourself to me?”
“Hmm... that’s a good question...” He flicked his tail up, sucking his teeth, “Since I was a child, I could always tell when someone needed something. May it be an ear or someone to lean on, I could just feel it in my bones and seeing you last night, I could tell something was wrong, but I didn’t need to ask since it’s none of my business...” He paused for a moment, his hand ghosting over my fingers, “I’m here for you, whatever you need, Y/N.” I looked at him, his eyes catching mine.
“Shownu...” I felt a blush start to prickle at my cheeks and I looked down at my lap, soon his warm wet fingers brushed strands of hair behind my ear, “Tomorrow is my last night here so, I wouldn’t get too attached to me.”
“I’m not going to worry about that right now. I’ll make the moments you spend with me memorable, to where you won’t forget me or want to leave me.”
“Not like I could forget meeting a merman.” I breathed, moving out into the water.
“Oh, would you like me to leave then?” He huffed, moving out into the water with me.
“No!” I exclaimed and Shownu snorted, trying to stifle a laugh, “Don’t be mean.” I splashed water at him and he chuckled.
“Oh, now it’s on.” He hissed, playfully pulling me to him, his fingers poking at my sides making me squirm and giggle under his touch. I struggled to get away from him, but his hands ceased their attack and held me close to him, his warmth spreading through my back.
“Is this where you kill me?” I joked, a laugh leaving him. 
“If I wanted to kill you, I would’ve already.” I rested my head against his chest, watching the moon ripple on the water. 
“The more time I spend out here in the water, the more I feel myself wanting to stay. For a change of scenery, to get away from my home, away from the memories that linger in that town...” I ran my fingers over Shownu’s arm, his grip tightening.
“Then why don’t you stay?”
“There’s just things I have to return to... work, school... life in general. I rather spend my time here, with you, soaking up the moonlight and avoiding stress.”
“Stress? Why are you so stressed?”
“It’s a long story.”
“We’ve got three more hours until daylight, so we’ve got time.” 
“Well...” I went into deep detail of my life for the past few months since my break up with my ex and about how I’ve been dealing with it. Every once in a while Shownu would ask a question and then fall silent again; once I finished my life story, Shownu rested his head in the nook of my neck.
“I wish you never had to go through that, Y/N... You’re such a sweet girl. If I were human, I would keep you by my side forever.” He whispered, placing a gentle kiss on my shoulder.
“You’re too kind, Shownu... We just met and I feel like I’ve known you for forever.” I relaxed into him, sighing a bit, noticing the break of daylight leaking out onto the water, “Time to go, Shownu...”
“Just a few more minutes, please.” Shownu tightened his grip on me, burying his face into my damp hair.
“Just a few, I don’t want you getting caught.” Shownu lifted his head, turning it in close to my cheek, his lips grazing against my skin.
“Alright.” Shownu held me close for a few more moments, short silent moments, before he let me go and placed a soft kiss against my cheek, “Midnight, my dear.”
“Deal.” I smiled, watching him dive down, and disappear.
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Day Four: 12:00am
I sat down on the cold sand in jeans and a thick sweater, the sea salt breeze starting to get colder every night. I watched the water ripple, waiting for Shownu to appear. Pulling my knees up to my chest, I rested my head on them, my eyes getting heavy. I dug my phone from my pocket, looking at the clock that read 12:10.
Maybe he got caught up with something... He knows it’s our last night...
I hugged my legs, burying my face into my sweater to fight off the cold breeze, closing my eyes.
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“Y/N...” A gentle voice called out, rousing me from my sleep. I pulled my head up for the bright sunlight to blind me.
It’s morning?
I rubbed my eyes, blinking them a few times before trying to focus on anything around me.
He didn’t show...
Warmth spread over the top of my head, causing me to look up, a shadow looming over me, “I’m sorry it took me so long, Y/N, but I’m here now...” Shownu’s voice met my ears and I smiled.
“That’s funny... you sound like—” The shadow crouched down, my eyes focusing on the voice’s face, Shownu’s features coming into focus.
“It is me, dork.” He whispered and I looked him up and down, no tail, but human legs covered by the blanket I brought out.
“Shownu?!” I squealed, jumping from the sand to face him, “H-How is this possible?” I studdered, trying to take in his body. He stood, a little wobbly on his feet.
“When my father passed, he knew I was not meant for the sea, he gave me an elixir saying that it could make one sprout legs to walk the earth. I thought it was all a joke so I didn’t mess with it, but then I met you and I needed to at least try to see if it was real... and now...” He chuckled, “I’m here, in front of you, naked...”
“Oh shit, Shownu, let’s get you inside.” I took his hand, tugging him up to the balcony, “When did you get here? How long did you let me sleep?” I walked up the stairs and then I pushed open the sliding door to be met by my mother’s and my sister’s stares.
“Y/N? Who is the naked—”
“No time to explain, mom. Anessa, do you still have some of your husbands old clothes that don’t fit him anymore?” They stared at me then skimmed over Shownu, him shyly lifting his hand, waving— them not moving, “Y’all!” I yelled, Anessa rushing to her room.
“Let me go draw a bath for him, you must be freezing, dear.” My mother looked over him once more before going to the bathroom. Sam just sat there, ogling him, her mouth slightly ajar.
“Sam, go do something with yourself...” I growled, pulling Shownu over to the bathroom, my mother sliding out to let us through. I closed the door behind us and I sighed leaning against the counter, “They’re going to be the death of me...”
“They seem nice.”
“They can be, until they see a gorgeous man walk through the door.” Shownu chuckled at my words, “Alright, merman, get into the bath.” He looked at me and then at the bathtub.
“The what?”
“The bath...” I pointed at the tub and he shrugged his shoulders, starting to get into the bathtub with the blanket wrapped around his waist, “Oh, hold on...” I took the blanket into my hands, closing my eyes, pulling it from his body.
“Can I not get that wet?”
“I mean you could, but the bath is to wash you.”
“Wash me?” I opened my eyes to be met with his confused gaze.
“Yes, wash you. Now sit.” He sat down at my words.
“It’s hot.”
“Yup, that’s how it’s supposed to be.” I took the cup that was on the side of the tub and dipped it into the water, then pouring it over his hair. I grabbed the bottle of shampoo and he cocked his head to the side.
“What’s that?”
“Shampoo, it’s to wash your hair.” I opened the cap and squirted the thick liquid into my hand and rubbed it into his hair, creating a thick lather, and then pouring the water through his hair once more to rise it out. I grabbed another bottle and handed it to him, “Okay so this is body wash, you take this...” I grabbed a washcloth from the rack over the toilet and handed it to him, “Soak that in the water and add some of the body wash to the cloth and clean your body. I’m going to go get the clothes from Anessa.”
“Mmm.” He nodded his head and I left the bathroom, Anessa, Sam, and my mother looking at me.
“What?”
“Who is that man?” Sam crossed her arms, huffing.
I laughed a little, “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you, just think of him as my new companion... Anessa, those clothes?”
“Ah.” She handed me a stack of clothes and I smiled, “When we get home, I’ll send these back.”
“Just keep them. They’re too big for him anyway.”
“Thanks.” I turned back and walked into the bathroom to see Shownu standing outside of the tub, a towel wrapped around his waist, “Oh, you’re done?”
“I think so.” 
“Well, c’mon, let’s go get you dressed.” I opened the door once again, starting to walk out when Shownu’s hand gripped onto the fabric of my sweater, following closely behind me.
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Shownu sat on my bed, clothed in a pair of sweatpants and a T-shirt, his eyes roaming the bedroom. I dug in one of the dresser drawers, pulling out another towel and I walked over in front of him, “Your hair is still wet, you’re going to get a cold, goofy.” I gently rubbed his hair, drying the dripping ends, his hands wrapping around my waist.
“Is this what it would be like everyday with you?” He nuzzled his face into my chest, my cheeks burning at the feeling of his warmth radiating through my body.
“Shownu, why did you change?”
Not missing a beat, he spoke, “Because I found someone I couldn’t live in the water with, so I changed...” He gazed up at me, his unwavering chestnut eyes looking into my soul, “So I could be with you.” 
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irl-dogboy · 6 years ago
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i have no friends to talk to so im gonna rant under the cut ignore this lmao
i dont feel comfortable anywhere. 
like.. i don’t have a bed i like to sleep in. it doesn’t have sheets on it. it’s an awful mattress, it sinks down to the point where i wake up and can’t move bc my back is fucked. i don’t have a dovet, i sleep under blankets fit for a sofa. i don’t have a space to call my own. my room looks like a storage room, because that’s what it is. i have speakers that i can’t use, i have an extra desk that my parents couldn’t afford to throw away. my cupboard is full of things that aren’t mine. i own my school uniform and like 3 outfits. i own one fucking pair of pants and they don’t! even fit me! i dont like asking for money for things like clothes and decor because the answer is always “we dont have enough money for luxuries! dont be selfish!” and i dont get it because both of my fucking parents have ipads and the newest fucking iphones. despite being the right age to get a job im not allowed to get one, im not allowed to open a paypal so i can maybe get a commission every so often. i dont even know why. they dont fucking tell me.
and like,, i dont have anywhere or anybody to talk to about this shit! school friends would never fucking understand because theyre all a bunch of rich kids who think of me as a joke. im a dumbass who isolates himself from his online friends so i cant just be like “lol we havent talked since i disappeared when i found out im going deaf help my life sucks” because who fucking DOES that? not me! my parents are procrastinating getting me a fucking psychologist for GOD KNOWS WHAT fucking reason, maybe they really do just think this is a phase. they refuse to talk about anything related to my transgenderism until it pushes their fucking political agenda or makes them LOOK GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
mum, at home, behind closed doors: hey deadname
also my mum, arguing with people online: as a supportive parent of a transgender child blahblahblah
also my mum, to my school: yeah haha we’re getting there HE’s such a good BOY isnt that right NATE this has been hard on all of us but especially ME
i regret coming out so fucking much. if i could go back in time and tell myself anything it wouldnt be “do ur schoolwork” or “dont die” it would be “dont come out because every fucking aspect of your life is going to be so much fucking harder” and i get it! some of it is me being a lazy cunt! yea! but its also everybody else being a lazy cunt! my entire family? deadnaming for days! my parents? “we know you need therapy we’ll call them later” and then what do they do??? yeah not call them later. since i came out my previous psychologist DROPPED me and i get it but i NEVER talked about that shit and i wouldn’t talk about that shit bc i know shes not qualified to deal with that!! and i get it but fuck its so annoying and im weak and im a fucking asshole and i dont want to exist!!
i just dont get why my parents had me. like. my dads an alcoholic and a fucking coke addict, and yeah, he works 70 hours a week and supplies everything for our family, but hes also a fuckign criminal whos had me ASSAULTED before and thats a whole other fucking thing! and he’s trying to turn my sister and i against my mum and i DEFINITELY see why because she literally does nothing but smoke weed and do coke herself but fuck i am so tired of hearing about their shit all the fucking time! call me selfish, i would agree, but they blame me and my sister for all of their problems, and whenever me or my sister call them out on their shit they immediately go for the “we’re your PARENTS” or “im mentally ill and im an addict you know this” like yeah i do but i also know that YOU’RE NOT TRYING TO HELP YOURSELF DESPITE HAVING TWO KIDS THAT FUCKING DESPISE YOU
i just want a normal fucking family man. a normal life, really!! i want a dad that has some dumb manly hobby like woodwork or fishing and i wanna do lame things with him. i want a mum that i get along with. a sister that i fight with sometimes but its ok because im still there for her! protective big brother style! and i want them to be there for me and i want to feel safe in my own fucking house. i want a bed that i can sleep comfortably in. i dont wanna be who i am. i wanna be normal. i dont wanna have to deal with dysphoria and wanting to die every time i look in the mirror or shower or speak or do anything. friends that i feel like i could talk to. i would die just to be a cis girl or better a cis boy and just live my life without worrying about all of that shit. i want my depression to go away or take a fucking break or something. i hate it so much.
god this is long im so sorry for anybody who made the mistake of choosign to read this
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swayinghummingbirds · 6 years ago
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i feel like i need to blog more stuff out of me to research my own thoughts ignore me or help me either is welcomed. 
so like i was diagnosed with mdd , panic/anxiety disorder so i know how it goes and how it feels and all that jazz. used to be on medication and not for almost two years. i can usually cope well since while i was on medication ifound many ways to do so. but now ive come across season affective disorder and i gotta say i am not a fucking fan. i cant bring myself to do the coping mechanisms because im fucking cold and there is no sun ever.  
this time last year i felt the exact same way and almost moved back to fl but didnt want to give up on tn yet. but im wondering is it maybe time to give up on it? i have no family here. and my family is expanding and growing without me. which makes it worse. 
ive been where i am for almost a year now and its been good. but there are no sidewalks like anywhere? im so tired of sharing walls. sure, its a townhouse and its pretty big and two floors and fire place but my neighbors are so annoying and for some reason in tennessee so many people think its absolutely okay to let their dogs out with leashes? 
knoxville is a really cool city and ive loved living here but idk if i can stand the winter. and its just a mild winter, idk how yall in the north handle it. i see now why when i moved abck to pa for 8 months my mom had it by the time march came around and we moved back to fl. 
a part of me feels like i might even just get bored with where i am after a certain amount of time considering how i was brought up. i have moved 17 times, which is wild for a child. probably why i have a hard time making friends too. 
tried leaving work yesterday after i got my list done (usually isnt a problem for my manager but the ass. manager always fights me with it). i told him three times i already had 2 1/2 hours of overtime and ill be leaving when im finished but bitch never listens to me and acts like he didnt hear me say it to his damn face.Usually i ask just to be polite and make sure but this time im telling him. kind of snapped on him because the day before i just cried all fucking day and had that feeling in my stomach and felt the same way when i woke up. old me would have called out, one because the position i was in was easily fillable but now im actually needed so i go to do my job and if i get done early that means im working my ass off and sweating like a pig to get done three hours early. (and the girl who does the work on the two days im off never gets the shit down or sets the room or anything up in order to have a good morning because the whole thing is very time sensitive and its very frustrating. also she called out like three times this week and made my week shittier than it needed to be.) like bitch no that doesnt mean i want to stay and help with other things after exerting so much energy that i dont even have in myself to begin with. so anyways i cried and then the manager came and talked to me and was understanding because he is aware of my mental health issues and i forgot steve- the ass manager (assistant manager , but also ass because he can be an ass) was not aware. so all in all i talked to my manager and told him and he was very supportive and then i went to apologize to steve and he reassured me i was valued and adored here which was nice. and i had to basically tell him if im trying to leave early it usually means because im feeling like a crazy bitch whos on the break of a mental breakdown so. quit fighting me. 
so anyways. 
even if i did move back fl ive finally gotten myself where i wanted to be in my job but i guess if it was meant to be the universe will take care of it just like it did when we moved here. 
a week before almost moving back to fl my grandparents came to visit and we were in crossville, which is the half way point from here to where we were living at the time and i was like hey lets try knoxville and the next day we went to look at apartments and as we were looking this place went up for rent almost as if the universe here, ask and you shall receive. because i was only looking at places that was in between the three stores that we could have possibly transferred to because i had no idea which one it was going to be i just new it was going to happen. and then when trying to transfer we my fiancees assistant manager knew the manager at this store here and said that he would take both of us and needed help in the area i wanted to be in and i was like wow amazing its all working out. and it did and it was great and then it got cold. and then holidays came. and birthdays came. and i ive learned so much about myself and i feel like yes i needed this part of my life. and now im not sure if istill need it. 
we have a vision of owning a little home a nice big plot of land near the mountains with a spring and creek on site with woods around. if we kept it up and really searched when the time came yeah im feel like we could find it. but what if i still feel this way when were there? then weve bought a home and it would be harder to get rid of. i have a vision of my own business with yoga. i find myself in capable of moving between the months of decemeber and march. then what. even when i get on to the mat i cant get into the flow. 
and what if we move back to fl. would he resent me for giving up on our dreams? will i be tired of people demanding my time and energy? will i bitch about the heat all the time and the fact that neighbros are every where? probably, yes, yes, and yes. 
but will i resent him for not moving back to spend our lives with our families? will i resent myself for not listening to the feeling in my stomach? or would i resent myself if i did listen to that feeling and gave up on the mountainous dreams. 
i know we would welcomed back with opened arms and i know not many would miss us here. 
the mountains are beautiful and so mystical when there. i wonder how it would be to live there. i always end up feeling so creeped out at some point of hikes because i feel like something is watching us, and i know there is, there is always is whether its and animal or a spirit. but sometimes those spirits, or beings, are just so strong of a force. what if we bought a property with one of those that wouldnt be able to make peace with us? i always imagined if we ended up with a property with strong entities then we would make peace and ring singing bowls and plant luscious plants for them. but what if they hate it all. and what if our neighbors down the street end up being cannabilistic cult people? what if some animal tried to maul my dog (which already happens frequently, shes a chihuahua everything is out to get her). what if something happens at oak ridge? i had no idea i was living next to a giant nuclear power plant thing. 
but then its like okay what if theres a giant hurricane that tears my house down (i had a tree fall on my house during matthew which is one reason why we left) or the storm sturge sweeps my house away. trey is scared of tsunamis, not that one has happened there probably ever, idk but it is a weird fear of his. surprisingly tornados do happen in tn too. 
and a day like today, where trey is working all day and i have the day off. there isnt much to do. its cold out so i cant sit on my patio for a few hours like i would in the summer. i dont like to go shopping. i dont have a friend to hang out with, which is my own fault people im really not a big people person. i have hung out with a couple a few tiems, and idk ij ust would rather not. but if i were in fl i could go hang out with my brother, or treys sister, or the few friends i have there. or go to the beach and sit on my own, because its not fucking weird to sit alone there and usually you dont have to worry about getting mugged. i cant go to the parks here on my own. i cant take my dog for walks around here because there are no side walks and people just look shady af everywhere. 
when i went to visit for my brothers wedding in october i realized how i did not appriciate the plant life naturally around all year round when i lived there for 11 years. i guess mostly because it wasnt until two years ago that i really got in to plants but omg i cant stop imagining what our yard would look like if we were in aplace where things could just be outside all year round. i would take cuttings of my plants andjust put them every where have my own little tropical paradise in my front and back yard. 
i know this all is really sounding one sided atm but this time last year i was having the exact same visions and the exact same thoughts. and i thought about how what if my brother has kids and im up here well hello here we are now and thats happening. i feel like i need to be there. theres even a house for sale on the same street as him and all i could was fantasize what i would do to the house and how i would baby sit for them and be able to see my dog that i left with him because ultimately she was is but we co owned her together and just to be there. and be with my mom. shes living in orland with her boyfriend and i feel like the fact shes goingt o be a grandmother might sway him into moving closer, she hates the city and i imagine shes just as depressed as i am to be away and to be in a city where you dont feel safe to go outside alone. we are creatures of nature and both pisces and very sensitive to everything. 
and what if trey and i have a baby at some point? we have no one here to help us. i was thinkg about how our wedding date is a year and like two months away and i have no one here to help me plan. and for a long itme i always imagined myself getting married at this place called sugar mill gardens, a botanical garden that i had always loved in my home town there. when trey and i got together we would pokemon go there and take clippings, and i still have those plants today. but then this new vision came where we would get married on our future property. i feel like we are still a long way away from buying a house here though. idk if we would be there in time. and since we went back in october all i can think about is getting married in sugar mill. he reproposed to me when we were there and that was so sweet and just made me want to be there instead for it. 
this is very long but these are my constant thoughts that all happen at once and it feels nice to get them out to piece them together and not feel so overwhelmed with all them at one time in layers upon layers of thoughts. sometimes my vision even goes out and i dissociate and just work blurred vision cross eyed for ten minutes, who knows maybe its an hour. im back there by myself for eight hours a day idk. 
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21ate · 6 years ago
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i hate being single, but i hate saying that i hate being single
i feel like people take it as me thinking i dont have any self worth aside from when im in a relationship and that im desperately trying to put myself out there like “hey i hate being single........so date me”
which definitely isnt the case at all. like yeah itd be nice for my problem to be solved over night but realistically it cant happen and even more so, it wouldnt make me happy for just some random person to approach me and try to get with me all because i complained about being single
it would, in fact, even make me suspicious of that person. not to be vain but im sure there are people who are genuinely interested in me or would be if they knew me well enough - but to approach me after ive complained about the fact with the intention of getting with me would only put me off
maybe im just jaded by all my past relationships that ive tried so hard to make work while the other party just leaves me in the dust - or that ive fucked up unintentionally. idk
i just want to get to know someone and be invested with them and have that person return the effort. but i fear even complaining about not having that makes me look desperate or asking for too much. maybe its me who isnt doing enough? maybe im\ the one not putting in the effort?
whether or not im dating someone isnt the end of the world for me but it sure doesnt help in correlation with my depression and anxiety stuff. im happy that lots of my friends have a significant other, but it can be disheartening when im the only one around who isnt with someone. i dont think im a failure because of it or that nothing else matters as ive said above, but wow! i just feel...inept, incapable.
with all exes there is of course the reason theyre youre exes - something didnt work out. but to me it just seems like every relationship ive been in save for a few have failed to work out so fantastically that i feel plagued, like just bound to fail every time because something goes wrong. i recognize that this is probably common for a lot of people (esp those with depression/anxiety/etc) and that my issue is probably trauma related
at this point i just really wish i could have a fresh start. get to know people that arent just the friends i have now. i just dont know how to really...do that i guess. its hard when you arent a particularly outgoing person like myself. its also hard when the only place you feel safe socializing with others is online bc ur home town is awful - and online, everyone is a million miles away more likely than not
maybe ill talk to my therapist eventually, when i have the money. for now, talking about it in this post has helped enough for today
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bigbrothernetflix-st · 4 years ago
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EPISODE SIX A&B
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“Honestly this game is starting to heat up and I've already set up all my pieces its just time to play with them.” - aria
HOH: Brianna UPSIDE DOWN: Josh C & Nick NOMINEES: Nathan & Nash & Jev POV: Brianna FINAL NOMINEES: Nash & Jev EVICTED: Nash (9-0)
HOH: Joshua UPSIDE DOWN: Josh C NOMINEES: Brianna & Nathan POV: Emma / DPOV: Jacob FINAL NOMINEES: Nick & Nathan EVICTED: Nick (4-3)
JOSHUA
i think i should be safe this week! well that's what brianna told me.. so hopefully she doesnt alivia me and put me up. other than that monty going home was ideal for me i think, yes i liked him as a person but he definitely didn't trust me as much as joey might. and he was a duo with nick so like.. he had to go ewp. nathan and nick were probably the votes to keep him. hopefully jury is at f11 which could possibly mean a double, which could possibly mean im fucked! :D
EMMA
I think its a high chance of me getting nominated i mean i got the upside veto but its like still i hate and love this game im having fun meeting people i love joshua play with jev again been fun i love aria i love jacob i love and miss gina and saira but its outside reasons why i cant focus however today is the very first day that i havent felt depressed but im scared of it creeping up on me again this game has been so confusing these people are so quiet yet so cracked it makes me frustarted the fact that the alliances or supposed alliances are all people who played in pasio or bbdanganronpa idk if its true but if it is it feels like i got no chance of winning the game alot of people are pretty outsided to me i like to think i got a good social game but i aint some social goddess idk its gonna take for me some dark magic for me to survive or have a chance of me winning this game at this point also the nathan thing i am pretty sure i go to him more then he comes to me and also im pretty sure if he and monty were final noms i would probably kept nathan over monty uwu but damn the victim card isnt cute like i been there done that games are fucking hard but u need to pick urself back up if you want to do well like damn nathan i hope ur okay its hard but he could probably do it if he tries i just guess i need to tell him that i dont want him to feel isolated. 
JOEY
Sooooooo..... TANK BOWL SZN is still on. I threw yet another competition, but I’m literally so fucking safe this week, all I have to do is just relax, let Brianna take some blood on her hands, and hopefully Nash or Nathan go home this week. Nash and I don’t talk, but that’s what half the house has said. I need Jev here as a shield. Nathan I also need gone since I think he’s tryna manipulate me, and honestly, I ain’t here for it. Literally, if I have to get rid of Nash or Joshua myself, I’ll do it.
NASH
like... genuine congrats to brianna for making moves but i also think this decision was a bit of a choice? getting nathan out would be a predictable move, yes, but hes also messy/chaotic so i don’t see why i or jev would be seen as bigger threats than him? idk.... 
BRIANNA
https://youtu.be/YxxaFmBTQXc
ARIA
well. Perhaps its been a while HBFSDJF oopsie whoopsie,, so yeah this is going to be realllllyyy long but ive been doing a lot!! and yall deserve to know the mental olympics ive been going through these last couple weeks so its time for bullet point time!! ALSO I MISS SAIRA GINA MO AND MONTY A LOT BRING EM BACK
-in the stab comp, josh c has some sort of connection with jev and emma because they both stabbed him when they've both told me they liked him, so he threw 
-joey finally snapped and made the alliance between me/kiki/joey/bri
-kiki is in a GREAT position but wbk (kiki jev joshua have to be together in some sense)
-joshua takes a shot at monty/nathan,,,conviently leaving nick the person WHO EVICTED SAIRA alone,,,inch resting
-joshua heard someone said his name, asked monty who ratted out josh, asked jos who ratted nathan-  which leads to a nathan/joshua fight
-nathan ratted out the nathan/monty/nick alliance first
-joshua good at comps
-nash and emma(?) won something from the ud
-nick then leaks the alliance to me,,,after the veto is announced
-nick hinst at going after jacob
-nick warned me i was being grouped with bri/jacob
-whole house considers bri/jacob a group
-NATHAN WINS VETO FUCK YEAH
- jacob leaks kiki/nash/joshua/jacob alliance
-emma feels close with nick (REMEMBER THIS)
-jacob AND nick told nash gina was after them
-leaked to jacob nick is after them
-josh acted like he didnt know nash was connected?? is it a front???
-BRIANNA WINS HOH YASSSSSSSSS
-jacob tells me and bri nash has a dpov (might be fake)
-nathan blows up and clocks the majority thing and pisses everyone off
-i come up with cracked plans that WILL NOT be shared
-JOEY RECORDS CALLS!!! REMEMBER THIS!!!
-joey wants to go after joshua on live night
-joey feels close ot nick
-nick comes to me with a plan of voting out nathan with joshua/kiki so jev and nash come after bri and take her out weakening jacob
-using that knowledge i convince bri to veto nathan :)
-nick is super close to kiki
-talked to joshua josh nathan emma nick who are all evicting nash
-nathan wants kiki out before joshua 
-nick thinks jacob leaked the everyone but... alliance
-nick wants to take a shot at jacob live night
So here we are. I somehow have no blood on my hands and someone whos very connected with major players (jacob and nick) is leaving :))) literally this week turned out so well im still squealing that the rumored "dpov" didnt get used fhbasjfd like when i saw the time limit passed  i jumped around my room and squealed But!! the next big thing is where do i go from here. I THINK me bri and jacob are all safe in live night bc jacob's dpov can help if we're in trouble so im feeling kinda confident for the three of us, and then for some reason nick trusts me?? like a lot??? so i can get information and the perspective of the other side whenever i need it. Not super sure where to go from here but i want to keep the "sides" even so if someone like joshua/kiki/jev could go next that would be great although it probably won't. Honestly this game is starting to heat up and I've already set up all my pieces its just time to play with them.  
Also kinda want to address that people in this house think that bri just ruined her game by doing that but i think i made a good point when i wrote this in my dr- 
"You have a clocked group but you don’t want to take a shot at them because you might have “connections” within that group and think you can be the last person standing but at the end of the day they’re always gonna choose each over over you"
and i think Bri just broke the expectations of sheep being taken to the slaughter and rewrote her own destiny and im proud of her, shes literally the SWEETEST human being ive ever met and the rest of this house is NOTHING compared to her. This is @ someone btw you know who you are :) 
and thats on pewiod <3
JEV
So just a little recap of the week, I wasn't surprised to be nominated in the slightest. It kinda bugged me that Brianna brought social interaction into her reasoning for nominations since she doesn't seem to be very responsive in PMs to anybody but I guess it had to happen sooner or later. I just hope me and Nash can survive this week because I don't think either of us deserve to leave over Nathan. Being called out by Nathan earlier this week really annoyed me since he was literally grasping at straws to throw anybody but himself under the bus then had the nerve to say he isn't a messy player... girl the delusion but hopefully he'll leave this week, that's if Brianna is smart and doesn't use the veto on him. He's loyal to nobody but himself and he's proven that this week with his house meeting.
KIKI
im super excited to make jury.... hopefully ill be able to make it this time longer... i seem to be cursed with horrible situational circumstances lately JDJEIDJDJFKD. anyway as of now my strategy was just to lay low until jury but i think i might continue that for a while... try not to win hoh. i have a finger in every pie as of right now and am in an alliance with everyone in the cast but nathan.... and in doing so have hopefully reduced myself as a target in the eyes of others.... kiki is a master of psychological manipulation. for the live night im banking on that to keep safe but i do tend to be good under pressure so if need be i can count on myself and probably even my closer allies such as joshua and nick to help me out if i end up in a sticky spot. shakes ass in here for the hosts. thats all thank u
ARIA
https://youtu.be/wekzYKEGI-8
HOST WEEKLY CAST ASSESSMENT
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aJtu5a78U8c&list=PLFEwPPy8j010XXwntq80VSU0qLNTNpSIN&index=7&t=0s
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