#i often repress the fact that OFF exists at all for this reason

[lacefuneral]

without looking it up. just concentrating. i want to say the track is called "Desperately safe"

lets see how i did.

THAT'S HER!!!!!!

brain damage is so scary. first of all i had really bad insomnia for like two days. and then i woke up after a 3 hour nap and i immediately heard the opening notes of a song from the OFF soundtrack escaping from the recesses of my mind

[cursedtransby]

Ryoshu and Grief

Ryoshu as a sinner is defined by her lust for blood, art, and the beauty that comes with both. However I think a large chunk of people realize that this is not her only trait, and this is something that has slowly been fed out across the Cantos and Egos we’ve gotten for her.

Spoilers for basically all of Limbus.

Since her reveal, we’ve had some plenty of reads that PMoon is not taking her inspiration, Hell Screen, as mere setup for an insane artist. Her constant connection with Spider-Bud and family shows that she is at the bare minimum connected to the lore of the family torn apart by lust for a perfect painting of Hell itself.

Ryoshu’s identity in relation to Hell Screen and a traditional family setup is something that honestly deserves more attention in a separate post, but it’s clear something massive happened between her family and it’s caused her a massive trauma response that triggers grief quite often...even if it doesn't seem like that.

Most of Ryoshu’s behavior is opposite to how people usually think of grieving, but it’s still a form of grieving nonetheless. She tries to repress her emotions through increasing forms of ecstasy. As someone who has depression and has gone through losses of my own, one of the possible responses you can have is to try to chase some emotion, regardless of what it is and how unhealthy it is for yourself and those around you. You’ll do anything for that warm feeling of positivity about yourself.

Regardless of this though, that sadness still exists in Ryoshu. We know this thanks to her mood during Canto 7 being rather quiet aside from the betrayal of Hugo, where she immediately decides to cut off his arms due to it being “unoriginal and played out”. Otherwise she’s being bristly towards the concept of family, but not actively aggressive or particularly violent. In fact, the one time I'd say she has a strong reaction in this Canto is to Sinclair's interpretation of her usual acronym stuff.

Ryoshu and Sinclair honestly ALSO deserve their own post because there is a lot to go into, but to put a cap on it I'll simply state that Ryoshu has a lot of emotions regarding Sinclair. It's the only thing that can rouse her aside from the art of betrayal she sees from Hugo, because the concept of family triggers her that much. There's a reason that the ONLY Ryoshu ID to have Gloom in their kit is Spider Eyes, because she's having to directly confront the very concept of family and protecting others, and it's reflected in her giving out more support than most of her other kits and in story by helping calm Yi Sang.

This sadness and desire to care exists across the Mirror Worlds as well, she just does a far better job of hiding it under her usual veneer of "insane artist only pursuing ecstasy". Edgar Family Butler is all about taking the role of caretaker of things, and she normally helps take care of her fellow butlers, only changing her attitude when they are about to be raided by the Wild Hunt and die. Even in something like her W Corp or 7 Association identities, she still has her kit showing off some support by giving out fragility for the team or even giving out barrier in W Corp.

No matter what she does, it's inescapable for her, and something she is desperately hiding away in order to keep things moving. The very same way Yosihide continued his painting, Ryoshu keeps spreading violence to hide away her grief. But it will always be there, underneath the surface, if you look closely enough.

Overall, it's a fascinating take on grief and how one can cope with it, and PMoon has always done a wonderful job on not taking the typical route with things. They did it before with Roland's grief, and it's clear that they're doing similar things with Hell Screen's adaptation. Also thanks to @lu-is-not-ok for inspiring me to write up more about one of my favorite sinners, since their posts analyzing The Red Chamber and Hong Lu fascinate me to no end. Additionally thanks to @ryoshudoodles for making beautiful art themselves and showing off the duality of Ryoshu's lust and gloom beautifully.

[ghelgheli]

Recognizing this central ambivalence in regard to so-called Western values—whereby they are cast out as “postmodern authoritarianism” only to be embraced as the “true spirit” of societies to come—is essential to understanding the strategic significance of the anti-gender misappropriation of postcolonial language. This ambivalence sheds light on the fact that the superficial takeover frames the “gender ideology” colonizer not simply as the “West as such but [rather as] the West whose healthy (Christian) core had already been destroyed by neo-Marxism and feminism in the 1960s” (Korolczuk and Graff 2018: 812). Very often, the anti-gender misappropriation takes on a decidedly Islamophobic hue; for all their catering to anticolonial sentiments, anti-gender thinkers often claim that “gender ideology,” with its historical roots in anti-European “neo-Marxism and feminism,” goes hand in hand with the threat of (Muslim) immigration. A blatant example of this can be found in former Cardinal Sarah’s proclamation against the two unexpected threats of our times:

On the one hand, the idolatry of Western freedom; on the other, Islamic fundamentalism: atheistic secularism versus religious fanaticism. To use a slogan, we find ourselves between “gender ideology and ISIS.” . . . From these two radicalizations arise the two major threats to the family: its subjectivist disintegration in the secularized West [and] the pseudo-family of ideologized Islam which legitimizes polygamy [and] female subservience. (Sarah 2015)

Sarah aggressively draws up a dual picture of the true enemy—the biopolitical survival of the family is threatened on the one hand by excessive secularization and sexual freedom, and on the other by “ideologized Islam’s pseudo-family,” which marks the degraded and uncivilized counterpart to Christianity’s proper tradition. This discursive construction of “terrorist look-alikes” as possessing an excessive, uncultivated, and dangerous sexuality yet again plays into the same fundamental racialized mapping of progress that colonial gender undergirded (Puar 2007). This rhetoric is mirrored by Norwegian right-wing politician Per-Willy Amundsen (2021) when he writes that:

I will never celebrate pride. First of all, there are only two sexes: man and woman, not three—that is in contradiction with all biological science. Even worse, they are allowed access to our kids to influence them with their radical ideology. This has to be stopped. If FRI [the national LGBT organization] really cared about gay rights, they would get involved in what is happening in Muslim countries, rather than construct fake problems here in Norway. But it is probably easier to speak about “diversity” as long as it doesn’t cost anything. (Amundsen 2021; translation by author) Here Amundsen draws on the well-known trope of trans* and queer people “preying on our kids” while at the same time reinforcing the homonationalist notion that Europe, and in particular Norway, is a safe h(e)aven for queer people—perhaps a bit too much so. In his response to Amundsen, Thee-Yezen Al-Obaide, the leader of SALAM, the organization for queer Muslims in Norway, aptly diagnoses Amundsen’s rhetoric as “transphobia wrapped in Islamophobia” (as quoted in Berg 2021). Amundsen mirrors a central tenet of TERF rhetoric by claiming to be the voice of science, biology, and reason in order to distinguish his own resistance to “gender ideology” from the repressive, regressive one of Muslims. In this way, his argumentation, which basically claims that trans* people don’t exist and certainly shouldn’t be recognized legally, attempts to come off as benign, while Muslim opposition to “gender ideology” is painted as destructive and anti-modern. This double gesture, which allows Amundsen to have his cake and eat it too, is a central trope in different European iterations of anti-gender rhetoric. In France, for example, such discourse claims that, “while ‘gender ideology’ goes too far on the one hand, the patriarchal control of Islam threatens to pull us back into an excessive past. Here of course, ‘Frenchness’ is always already neither Muslim, nor queer (and certainly not both)” (Hemmings 2020: 30). Therefore the French anti-gender movement sees itself as the defender of true Western civilization, both from Western “gender ideology” and from uncivilized “primitives” who are nevertheless themselves victims of “gender ideology.” A similar dynamic plays out in Britain: “Reading Muslims as dangerous heteroactivists and Christians as benign points to how racialization and religion create specific forms of heteroactivism. . . . Even where ‘Muslim parents’ are supported by Christian heteroactivists, they remain other to the nation, and not central to its defence” (Nash and Browne 2020: 145). In the British example, it is clear that white anti-gender actors represent themselves as moderate, reasonable, and caring—often claiming that their resistance to the “politicization” of the classroom has nothing to do with transphobia and homophobia.

Is “Gender Ideology” Western Colonialism? Jenny Andrine Madsen Evang

[tomomiisasleep]

notes on Ianthe

just casually re-reading GtN Ianthe moments

here she kinda bested Palamedes and Harrow in picking out information out of bone fragments, which is very impressive considering the specialities of the 69 necros.

it seems that when it comes to necromantic "theory", she really is the best of the generation, this deduced from her grand feat of figuring out the Eightfold all on her own.

here Babs kinda jabs at her for being jealous of Corona's ability to gain attention. hmm. I have mixed feelings about this. I mean Babs knows her pretty well and I would believe that she actually does care about whether or not she could show off, which is ugggghhhhhh PAIN I don't wanna think about the fact that it may have hurt her entire life to co-exist with Corona and let her draw in all the attention but she does it anyway because Corona is the only person that really loves her and knows her, aaaaaaa and she started at six. SIX. WHAT does that mean. Did she even give it much thought at first? or were they still in the same twin us vs. world mindset at the time?

anyways I always thought that their layered relationship is delicious(in a bad way but in a good bad way)

1. Ianthe seems to be only good at theorems while Corona is the perfect heir, thus Corona holds power over Ianthe.

2. Corona is not actually a necro and depends entirely on Ianthe to put on the act, thus Ianthe holds power over Corona.

3. Corona is the main and often sole source of recognition Ianthe receives, likely causing her to value Corona more and others less over time, thus Corona holds power over Ianthe. (This may be the reason Tamsyn deems Corona the "worse" because she is skilled in manipulation, not necessary with malign intent)

4.(Not entirely sure about this but probably) Giving Corona power is Ianthe's "goal" in life(I've seen this in other posts) which she deems highest priority and worth any cost(as expressed in The Unwanted Guest). She may measure her self-worth by Corona's success, which like, means that their relationship is not "one controls the other" but "-I need you. -I need you."

BUT! That last one depends on which of them decides on what "Corona's success" entails. The one who has the final say in what their goal is, is the twin who controls the other. And. There are a few pieces of evidence I've gathered that Corona is in charge. HOWEVER there is the evidence that Corona wants Ianthe to eat her. and she refused. ugh maybe they'd be better off becoming a merged soul. Maybe that's the real reason Pal bested her in The Unwanted Guest. She is overtaken by regret that they missed the chance to become one. Now they'd never be truly the two of them together, because even if they merge there'd always be Babs in there third-wheeling

but I understand that despite all that, Ianthe does want to be recognized outside of being "one of the twins". It's natural. and she does have a very hard to ignore crush on Harrow.

And maybe I'll scratch all the stuff above later when I read their interactions(plus the Corona side-story! I've been saving that for when I get mental from alectopause) because I'm just speaking from memory and memory deceives.

ok I'll shut up about Tridentarii stuff now, what I actually wanted to say that Ianthe gives off different vibes in GtN and HtN. In GtN she's just this huge evil nerd, and in HtN she's gross-hot sexy-bitch. And it's funny how different she is from Gideon's and Harrow's pov, like all the fanfic I read in which she parties a lot and plays with girls a lot are all mostly drawing from Harrow's pov, and Harrow is a repressed nun who has only ever met 1 girl her age in her life and has a bone fetish(especially for Ianthe) and is obsessed with her scent. Though I enjoy reading all fan-interpretations of her, I think her canon lifestyle might actually be closer to how Gideon sees her(in GtN. in NtN they become bros which I love btw tower princes 4ever), which is wall-flowering in the corners and reading trashy romance novels while Corona deals with the socializing.(I kinda believe that people can be categoriesed into "reads about dating" and "dates" and Ianthe belongs to the first because she gets excited over a sexy makeover

she also spends a horrifying amount of time studying (because she's as good with theory as Pal who "made his life into a war" for Dulcie, and Harrow who studies with the weight of 200 dead kids on her consciousness.

ok Ianthe's such a hot nerd I'm gonna faint I have become obsessed with her aaaaaaaaa she's like everything that drives me crazy in a hot tall glass of skank(a skank for knowledge

[lovingdabeessss]

Mini ramble cause I’m tired I’ll expand later probably

Blake and Weiss have trouble with their emotions because of their different kinds of abuse they’ve experienced but they still clearly have them, you know? They talk about them and they talk about it a lot their was a whole arc that was just them talking about their emotions very loudly at each other so having the emotions or expressing it doesn’t really bother them that much

or at least not in every environment, Yang and Ruby are the safest space they got they’ll fight each other to the death around them if they’d let them if you want to have unsavory emotions and unsavory words they’re the two people they’re both comfortable doing it around

It seems like they’re biggest issue with having negative emotions is how other people perceive them and how others react and putting up a front around others unless really comfortable

(What an incredible life changing experience it must’ve been to have that kinda safe space with people who care about you for no reason other then because they do and not for any ulterior motive after so long of not feeling like that to love someone so much you could safely hate them and they’d still ask you include you in ever conversation, it’s like that one measurement of love and comfort where if your kid complains and whines about things you make them do to you then they love you and think your safe to be around and if they’re silent and obedient and distant they think your not)

However with Yang and Ruby it’s not a front they’re not pretending to not feel the emotions they’re actually just not feeling them

They’re refusing to outright

Ruby doesn’t vent till she’s in a universe where GRIM DONT EXIST and then the emotions overwhelm her so much she DIES

Yang does let herself have negative emotions but ONLY anger which is controlled and specifically when she can take that kinda heat she expresses anger not only with the acknowledgment of the risk to herself but also often when other people are also already upset

Yangs semblance is clearly designed to make it easier for her to take hits for others this expression of anger goes along with the fact that it lights her on fire and makes her big and bright she’s making herself a bigger target

Cough cough not subtle metaphor cough cough YOU KNOW LIKE WHAT YOU DO AGAINST BEARS?!?! GOLDILOCKS!?!?!? Cough cough not subtle metaphor cough cough

(And Yang and Ruby will sometimes have breakdowns because of this where everything totally boils over and they have no way of dealing with it and they end up sobbing but even then they usually manage to do it in a closed off room)

Their lives have been centered completely around becoming huntresses and surviving through and killing grim it’s been their whole lives if the grim are attracted to negative emotions it doesn’t matter if you don’t show it on your face it’s GETTING you

To be a hunter you have to choose either:

1- go fucking crazy (all of the teachers at beacon for whatever reason)

2- be good enough at your job to be mentally ill (qrow)

3- DIE

So they just couldn’t feel shit cause they didn’t hav the skill level as children to allow that and survive

And obviously they do feel these things but it’s SOO repressed (Ruby I believe less so but it’s still beneath the surface so she’s good)

Blake and Weiss had a ton of shit to worry about but Blake was always more focused on other people as enemies and only had to personally worry about that after she joined the white fang and learned how to fight and I GENUINELY believe that the forest with Ruby was the first time Weiss’s isolated SKY CITY looking ass ever saw a real grim in person and not her sisters fake ones

And I think this is just really interesting because of how long it might’ve taken Yang and Ruby to realize the difference between their partners and them and why I think it might’ve led to interesting interactions but they’d probably never outright talk about it with them because it might lead to emotions

[thefisherqueen]

Sherlock Holmes' The Hound of the Baskervilles: Chapter XIII - Fixing the nets

Watson and Holmes know who the murderer is! Let's see how they will legally corner him... without getting killed themselves, that is, hopefully

But supposing, for argument's sake, that we had him arrested to-night, what on earth the better off should we be for that? We could prove nothing against him. There's the devilish cunning of it! If he were acting through a human agent we could get some evidence, but if we were to drag this great dog to the light of day it would not help us in putting a rope round the neck of its master.” “Surely we have a case.” “Not a shadow of one—only surmise and conjecture. We should be laughed out of court if we came with such a story and such evidence." I think there's a tendency to view historic courts as inherently based on smoke and mirrors, but as often with historical takes, that just lacks nuance. The Hound of the Baskervilles started publishing over 120 years ago, and this casual mention shows so clearly that they cared about proof. They tried to have fair trails. Sure, some of what was considered credible proof was pretty terrible, and they did not have access yet to some technology like DNA, but much of what stands in the way of fair justice (if such a thing even can truly exist within unjust systems of society) very much still plays today: biases and prejudice, the unreliability of witness reports, confessions made under pressure, etc

No, my dear fellow; we must reconcile ourselves to the fact that we have no case at present, and that it is worth our while to run any risk in order to establish one.” Worth their wile to run any risk... dear me, I do not like that. Sounds like Holmes is planning to do something dangerous

“And how do you propose to do so?” “I have great hopes of what Mrs. Laura Lyons may do for us when the position of affairs is made clear to her.  I assume this means that Holmes hopes she has good reasons to be spiteful to Stapleton now, and will be ready to give the letters she received from Stapleton to him (and there might be evidence to be found within them) “I've been moping in the house all day since Watson went off in the morning,” said the baronet. “I guess I should have some credit, for I have kept my promise. If I hadn't sworn not to go about alone I might have had a more lively evening, for I had a message from Stapleton asking me over there.” “I have no doubt that you would have had a more lively evening,” said Holmes drily. “By the way, I don't suppose you appreciate that we have been mourning over you as having broken your neck?” Holmes is having none of sir Henry's self-pity xD

I fear your servant who gave them to him may get into trouble with the police.” “That is unlikely. There was no mark on any of them, as far as I know.” “That's lucky for him—in fact, it's lucky for all of you, since you are all on the wrong side of the law in this matter. I am not sure that as a conscientious detective my first duty is not to arrest the whole household. Oof, Holmes really isn't pleased with this lord and his servants, and not afraid to show it

“If you will do this I think the chances are that our little problem will soon be solved. I have no doubt—” He stopped suddenly and stared fixedly up over my head into the air. The lamp beat upon his face, and so intent was it and so still that it might have been that of a clear-cut classical statue, a personification of alertness and expectation. “What is it?” we both cried. I could see as he looked down that he was repressing some internal emotion. His features were still composed, but his eyes shone with amused exultation. “Excuse the admiration of a connoisseur,” said he as he waved his hand towards the line of portraits which covered the opposite wall. “Watson won't allow that I know anything of art, but that is mere jealousy, because our views upon the subject differ.” Holmes, who just had a mind-blowing realisation he doesn't want to talk about: quick, distract them - ah, I'll just say something mildly insulting about my dear Watson, that will do it

“Good heavens!” I cried, in amazement. The face of Stapleton had sprung out of the canvas. “Ha, you see it now. My eyes have been trained to examine faces and not their trimmings. It is the first quality of a criminal investigator that he should see through a disguise.” “But this is marvellous. It might be his portrait.” “Yes, it is an interesting instance of a throwback, which appears to be both physical and spiritual. A study of family portraits is enough to convert a man to the doctrine of reincarnation. The fellow is a Baskerville—that is evident.” And here we have the motive for the murders, I guess. That was quite a dramatic reveal! A physical likeness to someone who lived hunderds of year ago would be totally worthless as proof of a family connection, of course - but that is not what's relevant here, it's the sudden insight

He burst into one of his rare fits of laughter as he turned away from the picture. I have not heard him laugh often, and it has always boded ill to somebody. Watson you lying liar who lies

I was up betimes in the morning, but Holmes was afoot earlier still, for I saw him as I dressed, coming up the drive. “Yes, we should have a full day to-day,” he remarked, and he rubbed his hands with the joy of action. Holmes joyfully stimming is so cute “All right, then, I'll stay.” “One more direction! I wish you to drive to Merripit House. Send back your trap, however, and let them know that you intend to walk home.” “To walk across the moor?” “Yes.” “But that is the very thing which you have so often cautioned me not to do.” “This time you may do it with safety. If I had not every confidence in your nerve and courage I would not suggest it, but it is essential that you should do it.” Can't believe Holmes is going to use this poor man as live bait for his trap. What did he do to you, Holmes? Are you jealous of him because Watson fawned over him?

“And ask at the station office if there is a message for me.” The boy returned with a telegram, which Holmes handed to me. It ran: Wire received. Coming down with unsigned warrant. Arrive five-forty. — Lestrade. Friend Lestrade is going to be there :)

“There is no connection.” “In that case the coincidence must indeed be an extraordinary one. But I think that we shall succeed in establishing a connection after all. I wish to be perfectly frank with you, Mrs. Lyons. We regard this case as one of murder, and the evidence may implicate not only your friend Mr. Stapleton, but his wife as well.” The lady sprang from her chair. “His wife!” she cried. Holmes and his love of dramatics. You could have brought that news a little more kindly to her, my silly man

“His wife!” she said again. “His wife! He is not a married man.” Sherlock Holmes shrugged his shoulders. “Prove it to me! Prove it to me! And if you can do so—!” The fierce flash of her eyes said more than any words. Her Spite Mode is activated! This is going to be fun :)

“I presume that the reason he gave was that you would receive help from Sir Charles for the legal expenses connected with your divorce?” “Exactly.” “And then after you had sent the letter he dissuaded you from keeping the appointment?” “He told me that it would hurt his self-respect that any other man should find the money for such an object, and that though he was a poor man himself he would devote his last penny to removing the obstacles which divided us.” I must say that this was most cleverly done. And also so very fucked up, to use her in this way

The London express came roaring into the station, and a small, wiry bulldog of a man had sprung from a first-class carriage. We all three shook hands, and I saw at once from the reverential way in which Lestrade gazed at my companion that he had learned a good deal since the days when they had first worked together. I could well remember the scorn which the theories of the reasoner used then to excite in the practical man. Watson really never has forgiven Lestrade for not taking Holmes serious in the old days, hasn't he? 'a bulldog of a man' come ON Watson, that is a outrageously rude thing to say in a published work

“Anything good?” he asked. “The biggest thing for years,” said Holmes. “We have two hours before we need think of starting. I think we might employ it in getting some dinner and then, Lestrade, we will take the London fog out of your throat by giving you a breath of the pure night air of Dartmoor. Never been there? Ah, well, I don't suppose you will forget your first visit.” If I'd been Lestrade, I'd be so scared to hear Holmes say that

The grand finale of this book in the next chapter! It's already quite late but I can't stop now. Need to know how this ends!

[animehouse-moe]

Undead Unluck Episode 6: Spoil

David pro might not be perfect, and the CGI might be arguably even more clunky than what Zom 100 is working with. But you have to admit, there's a lot of charm in this episode. There's also a lot of information, so plenty for me to talk about!

I'll get it out of the way first, I love how Yase and co are approaching the framing in UU. Wide shots that tend to place character and focus on the bottom or top third is very very fun, and they love playing around with those ideas to create interestingly spaced shots. It can be seen as a bold decision, but I think it's a really important one as it plays into the visual identity of the series while staving off boredom during exposition.

The art in general is just so damn bold. It really goes all out with what it has, and effectively considers the thought of "what is the most that I can do in this moment?", and it delivers incredible pieces.

Though I think the real icing on the cake is the first reveal for Spoil. Not the one that happens at the end of the episode, but the one that happens through the secondhand account of Union investigators, relayed to Fuuko and everyone.

It's just incredibly good, and proves you don't need scary imagery or jumpscares to really provide a sense of discomfort and unease. Really really great work that doesn't use zombies or Spoil as a crutch to express anything about the UMA, and plays directly into the best vehicle for horror: the imagination.

Alright, last piece about visuals, and it's David's 2D smoke. My god I love it, I can't fathom why other studios put their smoke through so many visual effects when you can produce incredible works like this. Getting to see how the smoke moves, it's just such an impressive feat of animation that so often gets overshadowed by composition and other visual effects.

Anyways, onto the story! There's a lot of really really interesting ideas that I'd love to explore here.

First of all, why was only a single corpse appearing in New York City? Obviously, some of them can have a will like the woman in this episode, but how on earth do you get from wherever Longing is to New York City without being spotted? Personally, I feel like it has something to do with Spoil, but I have no idea what the objective would be in placing a rotten corpse in NYC, when Spoil's ability is denoted to be a continuous activation ability within a set range. Not quite adding up, so I'm very curious to find out the reasoning behind its appearance.

Next up is Victhor, as Shen says. Gena was (as far as we know) the oldest of the Union members that are currently active and/or alive, but Mr. Know-It-All could also have been the source of that information. Regardless, Shen was told by someone at the Union about Andy's past, which insinuates the fact that Andy is repressing either that past, or a personality via the shard in his head. Considering the content of the ending, it's rather clear cut that his past was traumatic and something that he's fleeing from, so I'm very interested to learn more about these two Undead's that have been displayed.

And Shen just keeps layering on the explanations.

Shen calls UMAs "the very Rules themselves" which is interesting as it closes the rift between the idea of Rules and UMAs. Which makes building an image of the world leading up to this moment that much harder. Juiz references "Rules" in a separate context to how Shen explains them here, dropping the "UMA" association within her explanation to Fuuko in the prior episode.

Because of that, I'm not entirely certain that Rules and UMAs are one in the same, but it's hard to find the correct separation due to Shen's words. Do these Rules always exist, and UMAs are more like direct enforcers of those rules? It means that UMAs stem directly from whatever God exists, regardless. They are not a happenstance or byproduct of Rule in any capacity, like Negators might be. Though, at the same time, the idea behind the quests begs the question: where do negators come from?

They are a separate class from UMAs which "enforce" rules while Negators break them. They are also humans in comparison to, well, "angels" as the episode so eloquently references them. Having that imagery, and understanding that a god exists makes me think that there's multiple, or it's a case of betrayal or whatnot where one entity sides with humanity and the other is against it. The question is why that would happen in the first place, and how these entities settled on, or even agreed, to this concept of quests and Rules.

But that's a discussion for another time, let's talk about the little bit that a group of kids gives us!

All these children have much larger timers than what Andy and the others have, but why?

Furthermore, that many seconds (or about 2.5 hours) is far too short for the children to have survived on. So, do kids just get a longer timer from Spoil? That can't be it, because the children's ability to last for at least a full day would mean that Spoil's ability is entirely unbalanced. Alongside that, it can't be that Spoil assigns a different timer based on age, because we're shown a child in the crowd of zombies during the episode.

It also can't be because they're underground, as both Fuuko and Shen start with a 1,000 second timer. So it's something intrinsic to people, not necessarily children.

So, for the sake of argument, let's assume that every living entity is given a timer of 1,000 seconds before they spoil. How then, are you able to increase that timer, and what is it about these children that is different from the rest?

Well, the largest thing is that they're completely isolated from the rest of the zombies. But space from the zombies and Spoil itself wouldn't be effective, as I've already explained above.

You might argue that the children could move back and forth between the edge of Spoil's range, but that would still just incur a 1,000 second timer, and we don't even have a guarantee that exiting the range will prevent the spoiling or the countdown.

To that end, I might have just answered my own question about the rotten corpse in NYC. That corpse may have been the first to appear from Spoil, but exited Longing before his timer went off. That would mean that the timer was still incurred, as would be implied by the idea of a "curse", but would also mean that adults would be able to increase their timer through some method.

So it can't be something entirely exclusive to children if we open it up to that idea.

Everybody would be aware of their timer when it appears, but the question is whether or not they're aware of what it is. Does awareness of what the countdown implies change how it works? Did Spoil tell people what was happening when he first appeared in the town? Thanks to the woman Andy marries, we know that zombies understand what Spoil is and where he might be.

I'd argue that you might be able to explain that thanks to their "connection" to Spoil, but Andy doesn't get that information once he begins to spoil. That means that the woman knew what Spoil was prior to her zombification, but I have no way of knowing if that's the case for everyone else.

But, for the sake of this theory that's gone on far too long, let's make some bold assumptions. Spoil appears in town and announces that they're going to turn people into zombies. Panic ensues. People attempt to flee, children get stuffed in underground tunnels. A survey group appears and engages in a hopeless rally against Spoil's ability.....

I think that's it. The survey group did not take 1000 seconds to spoil like Andy did, but they would have had a timer for 1000 seconds all the same. Now, an even crazier assumption is that the zombies didn't kill that survey team (as we have no visual proof, nor do we see any zombies attempt to directly harm the group in this episode), which means they expired far faster than 1,000 seconds.

This means one of two things. Spoil can directly spoil someone in an instant, or the timer can also decrease. If the timer can also decrease, it continues down that rabbit hole of psychological interference.

And at that point, I would say the answer is hope. Hope that whoever stuffed the kids in the underground will return to save them. Or a lack of hope that as you see the people around you start to spoil, that you'll spoil as well. Or, hope that you got away from the zombie apocalypse, but then the hopelessness of that timer continuing to count down no matter how far away you flee.

Now, I can sit here and brag that I made some crazy theory, but I'd be pretty shocked if it comes out to be true. There's quite a few assumptions in this crazy rambling, and just as many black boxes to deal with. But, at the end of it, I think it's a pretty good attempt at explaining why timers can change.

Anyways, one last bit! The Rule vessels, as Spoil explains it.

Claiming that Negators are Rule vessels puts them in very interesting territory. My first question to this idea is, how can a rule vessel and a UMA exist at the same time? We have Unburn the negator, but also Burn the UMA. Are they symbiotic? But then, wouldn't that be the case for any negator out there? Could Andy's nature as the undead vessel be the root cause of the potential for a split personality?

I don't think it likely, but Unburn and Burn is the only example of both a Negator and UMA existing in this world at the same time, so I really want to see how that works, as it entirely shapes the concept of rules and negators.

Because you'd think that a rule must exist for a negator to exist, but that would imply the existence of a great many more UMAs that we as readers do not know about. It could be that they're locked up and in containment with Union, or that they're pacifists or non-sentient rules, but as far as we know, any UMAs that Union has subjugated or neutralized have been hostile ones towards humans (as they are expected to be, given their role), and there are countless UMAs that exist where we don't have any awareness or understanding of the existence of their Negator. So, not a whole lot to add to this idea (mostly because I already used all my brain power on the other theory), other than the fact that I really need to see what goes on with Unburn and Burn.

So yeah, a whole hell of a lot of writing, but overall a really great episode. I could spend all day picking apart this series, really.

[chairteeth]

Fun fact, Nemu is a sadist

So you see Papa I know I’m gonna need screenshots for this one but HEAR ME OUT. I have actual arguments for this. There’s gonna be a lot of screenshots though, because I feel like in this case it’s a bit more overt once you look at it through this lens. This isn’t so much an essay as something similar to that time I went on a short rant about how Touka acts like a cat but here you go.

Editing Note: The Ao3 version of this essay is superior, I recommend it more than the post.

I’m gonna be very blunt. Nemu is a sadist. An extremely picky sadist that goes from mild to borderline disturbing, but a sadist nonetheless. Girlie has hella concerning moments. There’s the part about enjoying seeing people in pain, yes, particularly pain caused by her (directly or indirectly), but it’s more complex than that. It’s relishing one’s power over others. It’s enjoying when others are humiliated. Enjoying putting people in messed up positions and situations, watching or forcing them to hurt themselves or their loved ones, Sisyphean tasks, etc. There’s pretty terrifying potential to what she would be capable of if encouraged, considering her extensive historical and literary knowledge (looking at you, Madness of Hercules Shizuka. If you know you know).

As for the reasons, well, it makes sense with her background and as a coping mechanism, a way to vent. Sadism most often originates from feeling powerless in daily life, general powerlessness/lack of power even over the self, and repressed anger/frustration, so it tracks with what we know about Nemu. And yes, this happens since childhood. I’m gonna explain my arguments for the intense ‘Nemu is a sadist’ interpretation I have, don’t you worry, and there will be screenshots galore for once!

Let’s start with the mildest stuff. Which is actually Touka-related. Nemu really enjoys getting a reaction out of Touka, mainly earlier in their relationship (when she wasn’t Irreversibly Whipped)—though bits of it remain. This manifests in all of the teasing and the purposeful “humiliation” through things like games (the card game scene comes to mind). It’s easy too, because Touka is so extremely reactive. Here’s a very old example of this much milder manifestation, the card game scene in question:

Touka then starts crying (you can see the tears) because she’d mapped out the entire game and memorized Nemu’s cards and Nemu truly had no reason to pull this move. Leading to this response from Nemu:

Going to another side of things, the funny (/s) humiliation uwasa should not be overlooked. I know I haven’t posted my document where I hyperoveranalyze what each and every one of Nemu’s uwasa means (because it is incredibly disturbing in this raw form), HOWEVER, the Rumor of the Cemetery Banquet Feast is just one of multiple rumors that adds to this specific topic. And also uh the Fashion Monster. There are many, many things that I can gleam from the latter existing in the first place, but it’s described as:

“A Rumor that appears before confident, dressed up girls. It drags its victims into an alley, and if the Rumor isn’t told it looks stylish, it will strip off the victim’s clothes.”

Thank you Nemu, thank you so much. I don’t think I have to say anything for you to see why this applies to the sadist thing. As for the Rumor of the Cemetery Banquet Feast:

“My, have you heard? Who’d you hear it from? The Cemetery Banquet, and the rumor thereof! Fated rivals, arguing friends– if you want everyone to get along, then this Rumor is for you! Anyone who reads its invitation will be guided to the pre-banquet proving grounds. If– and only if– you can make the banquet lively, then you pass! And you’ll be invited up to Paradise, complete with kindly parting words. But if you plan to participate, you’d better take great care! If you fall short of proving yourself, you’ll literally fall into the underworld, to boot. It’s a rumor that ALL of the temple’s supporters are talking about. C’mon now, let’s liven things up!”

And the way the event goes is… Well. 

The Rumor greets its “attendees” in a kind, heavenly voice, casually “forgives” (brushes off) their attempts to break its rules, and gives gentle encouragement (plus painfully-gentle critique) as they resort to performing various party tricks to satisfy it. Once they satisfy the Rumor by setting aside both their pride and their mutual animosities, it escorts them to the top of its pagoda in a giant, golden hand… where they literally pass on to the afterlife.

Thank you Nemu, thank you so much. I think you see where I’m coming from here. As for some of the other things I mentioned at the start, well, there’s this part of Arc 1 Chapter 8:

She truly does speak in the cultiest possible way. Her dialogue is far more cult leader-like than Alina's or Touka's. There's also this part:

Doesn’t she look quite pleased… These are pretty much one after another. But okay fine, here’s a couple from Chapter 9:

Really. Really look at this through the sadism lens. She also giggles while telling the others that they’ve reached their limit right after Kanagi and especially Tsuruno expresses feeling sick and heavy and in pain. Which… is a worse reaction than Touka’s, that’s for sure. What’s fascinating is that in her MGS, Nemu seems to care the most about the Feathers.

As for my final example, I’m just gonna leave a bunch of screenshots from Uwasa Tsuruno’s MGS here. Pay attention to the way Nemu speaks to Tsuruno and the words she chooses to use (it'd be a lot more obvious if Nemu was older than Tsuruno probably):

So in closing. Nemu Hiiragi is a sadist. Funny venting mechanism you’ve got right there, I sure hope it won’t lead to anything more questionable than you’ve already done. Good luck with your wife, Touka, have fun.

[jinkieswouldyoulookatthis]

regarding what people think inside their heads i totally agree with you, whatever floats your boat! but when it comes to fandom content, i don't know if other people feel this way, but the extreme majority of the top!dean fics in existence mischaracterize both brothers to force the dynamic, with dean becoming this overdone butch caricature and sam whining like a hit deer. and this is done in all scenes outside of the bedroom, with a very clearly intentional power imbalance. both of them tend to be written much more true to canon when they're in a top!sam universe (for reasons including, i believe, the fact that top!sam by nature displays autonomy and his own will as well as dean's butchness is too inherent to be able to remove entirely) and they usually end up actually resembling themselves.

I don't disagree. A Sam that is too needy, too prone to emotional outbursts or crying, too eager to just roll over for Dean just doesn't ring true. Sam is stubborn and just as emotionally repressed as Dean. Sam is often snarky and condescending and, let's be honest, sometimes downright bitchy. He wants Dean to take him seriously as an equal, and as such, he has something to prove, to Dean and to himself. He wants Dean to trust him and respect him and rely on him and lean on him when needed. Also Sam FUCKS. Like, he's a pick you up and pound you into the wall kind of guy. A barely resisting devouring you kind of guy, with hands able to wrap around both wrists at the same time or wrap all the way around someone's neck or to palm your entire head like a basketball as he kisses the fucking daylights out of you kind of guy. He's a passionate fuck in your office, or kinky sex in the backseat of his brother's car, or fantasizing about fucking evil women kind of guy. I'm not saying that Sam can't bottom, he can, but exclusively bottoming feels disingenuous because it's usually coupled with a very subby attitude, and Sam has toppy energy. Also, Dean is not an uber macho alpha male type. He's a lover with a warm, soft, squishy heart who seems quite content being pushed around by his sexual partners. He fantasizes about moments of romantic domesticity. And while I am sure he'd be happy topping, I don't find it believable that he would solely insist on it. Dean has a much more easygoing sexual vibe, like he doesn't care what y'all do as long as everyone gets off and has a good time. I think them both being versatile and switching, particularly over time and with their various circumstances, makes the most sense because it allows for a better equilibrium to be achieved between them. They need that flux and flow, the push and pull against each other. Because they both can be bossy and they both can be simps for the other and that's exactly how it should be. They both would do anything for their brother, unless it's not really important and they're in a mood, or if it's funnier to be annoying or difficult, or it's their turn goddamn it. Because when it all comes down to it, they have a mostly equal power dynamic between them and if that doesn't come through, if one of them is made to feel ultimately, persistently dominant over the other that's just not in character. And yes, yes, I know that top/bottom and Dom/sub are two different spectrums, but folks conflate and mix them so much and too often the one topping is made out to be more dominant in their relationship. And maybe that is it after all, that I don't care as much which of them is where or doing what as long as they still feel like they're locked in their orbital dance around each other, both needing as much, and sacrificing and giving and hurting and loving and wanting and filling as much as they can.

[wearethecyclones]

CONTENT WARNING: death of a loved one, grief. 

I’m like very much so going Through It and I’ve been Repressing it as much as possible (other than saying “haha I’m really sad for reasons, anywayyyy” every so often) so I sat my sad self down and wrote this and I just needed to feel a little less screaming into the void about it so now I am posting it. 

One of my best friends died in the first week of this year. I’d gone a hike in the hail with him on Sunday. I’d had dinner with him on Monday. Texted back and forth with him on Tuesday and then he was gone.

He died in his sleep. Natural causes. He wasn’t sick. I’d never known he had any pre-existing conditions. He just went to bed and didn’t wake up to his alarm.

I’ll spare further details because they hurt me too much to think about. 

I don’t think I’ve ever hurt this badly in my life. I miss him constantly. I dream about him. Everything reminds me of him. But I feel like I’m beyond the socially acceptable statute of limitations for grief. I rarely mention it. I rarely talk about it. I feel like I’m drowning in plain sight. 

I have two new anxieties: 

1. The animalness of the body. The fact that we are soft tissue and delicate viscera and warm blood. The fact that we can just stop breathing. The fact that we are so easily hurt. The fact that we are easily killed and that we die so easily. The fact that I could die and all my unfinished business is now a loved one’s responsibility. The fact that I can and will lose people I love again and again and again. I don’t want anyone to die ever again. I don’t want this animal body.

2. The imperfection of love. The imperfection of my love. 

I think of him and I think “I loved him so entirely. I loved him so much.” But I also remember not saying so when he dropped me off at my apartment the last time I would ever see him alive. But I know he knew. I knew he loved me too. Entirely. So Much. 

I loved him so much but I also said things like: “It’ll be really hard for me if he ever starts dating someone.”

And: “I love him so much but if he ever had the guts to say he had feelings for me, I think I’d only respond positively because I want the attention.”

And: “I guess I’m doomed to a lifetime of accidental double dates with him.”

Because yeah, he was one of my best friends but it was occasionally and historically complicated. 

I loved him so much, so entirely, that I almost never said so. I rarely hugged him. But he kew, he knew. He had to have known. His imperfect love of me is a fact I cannot dispute.

But god, I am so sorry for loving imperfectly. I am so sorry. I don’t want to love anyone imperfectly but it’s the only love I can offer.

--

When he died, I immediately considered the stages of grief. I repeated platitudes to myself. Grief comes in waves. Grief gets smaller with time. How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard. I was ready to move through grief like an instruction manual. 

I told myself I definitely had already denied that he had died. That whole first hour I told myself over and over again that this wasn’t possible. But that wasn’t denial. Denial was waking up every day and having to remind myself. Denial was my mind knowing he was dead but my heart stopping every so often when it realized. Denial still is the idle moment of wondering when I’ll see him next and remembering I won’t.

I told myself I had nothing to be angry about so I could skip over that one. But that wasn’t true. I am always angry. My anger is formless and vast. 

But worse than anger,  guilt is always ready to reach up and grab me by the throat. That imperfect love. Being alive at all. Going to a hockey game the week after. Hating myself for something as trivial as the animalness of my body. Our friends getting engaged and knowing he won’t be at the wedding. All the plans we meant to make. The Grand Canyon-sized gap between words and heart and the fact that we can never bridge that. All the words I can’t say anyway. All the times I cry over him only to wipe the tears away and carry on like nothing is amiss. 

Everything is amiss. Everything. My world is wrong now. I’m not who I was before. He took a part of me — his part, the part that was only visible when he was around — and he took it to the grave. 

Sometimes I cry when Blink-182 comes on. Or when I eat peanut butter. Or when I drive past the freeway exit to his house. Or when I look forward to baseball season. Or or or or. I don’t want to stop thinking of him like that. I want him close to me for the rest of my life. I always want to think of him. But I can’t wait for it to stop aching. 

[luxiferiicae]

The fact that Haniyya is, absolutely, my most fleshed out and diverse muse by far ( besides say Yuujin ), and I feel like of i were to speak on her or try to push for more interactions that I'm deliberately being pushy and greedy?

What has roleplaying done to me? As someone that will sit and listen to every last female Muse's story, lavish them with attention, or pay attention to those muses that don't quite get as much attention as the rest for this that and the other reason, I am so likely to dig through a wishlist and give people things to make their day all the better that I don't even think to want or to try give myself.

Genuinely, what kind of things have I witnessed in my sixteen years of this shit that I felt I had to have her perfect and viable on every level in comparison to someone like say Deimos. Deimos is lovely and I love him, but he's literally man see shiny, man steal shiny, cat burglar go brrrr brrrr. The fact that I feel comfortable in making this weird and just barely not a throw away character at all, and feel right as rain that he's a fucking fever dream, is wild. I could never do that for a woman muse and I'm just now processing this fact as we speak. I cannot half-ass or not have a grand five step plan for them in comparison of the many stupid, bad, idiotic male muses I had one inkling of an idea for and still put him up as an option. And I feel like if I speak on this character, try to dangle her in front of people like a carrot, or think to suggest her to someone that I freeze up and have to ask myself if it is okay. I don't want to push people out of their comfort zones, but like it shouldn't. Women exist, I swear they do.

As someone who will never not have bisexual / pansexual characters, I don't want to limit myself or put myself in a box ANYWHERE, because I myself am very comfortably pansexual. And the fact that I have to put this in the context of shipping, when most people don't even want to ship, explains it all on why I have been psychologically conditioned to downplay how amazing both my female and other female Muse's have to be to feel even the slightest bit validated.

Don't even — by jove !! — don't even ask me how much worse it is when this muse is not only a female but a female of color. That's a whole can of worms that grows to encompass the entire umbrella of poc and is compounded upon when it's a woman. I have actual horror stories of people being driven off and downright belittled for wanting to roleplay these very repressed demographics, even as a poc themselves. As a black woman, I cannot tell you how agonizing it was to avoid certain stereotypes that are seen as harmful in a general sense, but exist in my space as something of a comfort. AAVE being one of them. It gets labeled harshly, but I can relax and be more myself when someone is clearly on the wave.

It is something someone like Nekoya ( being creole and from Louisiana ) or Yuujin ( because he is with Nekoya often and loves predominantly in Louisiana ) would very clearly be exposed to and would use, but I have to treat it as something that would only come forth when with the right kinds of people.

And that feels a little ick, I'm not gonna lie. All of it feels a little ‘ grimey ’.

[0142]

i forgot to dump my thoughts into the tags so here’s a text post

since being gifted by hydaelyn, momo has always despised the echo and often tried to reject the ability (doesn’t work), going so far as working without it (also doesn’t work). part of the reason is that momo has never worshipped a higher deity along with the fact that people eventually attributed their hard work and skills with hydaelyn’s blessing. and this is really annoying because momo worked their ass off to get to where they are, and to hear implications that they got lucky with the “echo lottery” made them extremely angry.

it’s not until around the events of heavensward that momo slowly comes around to accepting that they’re (unfortunately) one of “hydaelyn’s blessed” and then stormblood where they’d begrudgingly admit that they do, in fact, have the echo. but it’s shadowbringers, it’s the reveal that hydaelyn is a primal, that makes them second guess this “blessing,” their existence.

were they tempered? obviously so, if hydaelyn’s hold on them is this strong. they’ve been resistant to all primal influence up unto this point, and this destroys momo’s current beliefs. usually a more quiet individual, they’re near inconsolable. everything shatters, everything goes wrong. was this their will, or Hers? who’s dictating momo’s life now?

eventually, momo’s sent spiraling, and experiencing such emotional turmoil after having repressed everything begins to reveal their “past self.” but details on that to be determined since i’m currently shadowbringing, not endwalking. it’s then that emet-selch begins to see... someone else, albeit briefly. it’s then he begins to think twice.

[peace-coast-island]

Diary of a Junebug

Sometimes you need to go back in order to finally leave the past for good to prevent it from coming back to haunt you

Going back in time often leads to unpredictable results. Sure, in the literal sense, but in this case, I mean it in a figurative sense. Like going back to a place you swore you never wanted to return to because there’s too many painful memories attached there. Or taking a deep dive into your memories to finally confront the stuff you purposely locked away, pretending that it doesn’t exist in order to lull you into a false sense of security. However, the reality is that you can’t wish the pain away, not when it keeps haunting your dreams.

Laufey’s a generally cheerful person, and I think that’s what helped her move forwards from her trauma to a degree. Repression, I think, is not something you can really control, it’s more like an instinctive thing that kicks in to protect you. Except sometimes it works a little too well that you end up sort of disassociating with the things that trouble you to the point that they might as well don’t exist - kinda like kicking clutter under the bed or shoving it to the closet. Sure, if you don’t see it, it doesn’t exist, but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s there, backed into a corner collecting dust.

Sooner or later, you’re gonna have to address that mess unless you want it to keep taking up space and cluttering your mind. She doesn’t like to dwell on it, but she has admitted to things like randomly spacing out - dissociation - as well as having trouble sleeping because of nightmares and restlessness. Sure, being a human-dragon hybrid might allow her to get away with less sleep, but that’s beside the point. Basically, it’s been over 20 years, and the longer she keeps putting it off, the more difficult it’ll be. It’s not something you want to have hanging over your head forever.

Of course, it’s not like Laufey woke up one morning and said “You know what, I’m finally gonna do this dreadful thing that’s been plaguing me for years. Here goes nothing!” In all honesty, I think that’s kinda irresponsible and could just maybe end up making things worse. I really have no idea whether a delicate situation requires the rip the bandaid off approach or if you need to gradually dip your toes in - sometimes shit just happens and you have no choice but to roll with it, I guess.

That’s pretty much what life’s about, dealing with whatever shit comes your way and hope that you can make it out alive before another curveball gets thrown at you. If you get lucky, you might be able to find an anchor to keep you from getting lost in the chaos. We’re all just floating aimlessly after all, hanging on to whatever looks stable enough to help us weather the storm coming our way.

As usual with the Epiphany crew, we started off with one thing in mind, only to go off on a tangent - not that I’m complaining, I actually think it makes these adventures more memorable. After all, everyone in the crew had their reasons for joining, whether it’s to start over, find a new purpose in life, or just to explore the world around them - and in order to break out of that box that has trapped you for so long, you need to be able to confront any obstacles that will come your way no matter what. Sure, there’s the fun of adventuring and broadening your horizons, but it’s also about learning how to stand up for yourself and not resort to running away when life gets tough.

I remember that Yang took Laufey and Jiangyi in when he was conducting an investigation on Capella after a series of attacks drove the civilians out. Laufey and Jiangyi barely escaped the gunfire, risking their lives to save a handful of families from a small neighborhood as well. However, that’s only part of the story - we have to go further back to before Laufey was in Capella. Given the passage of time and how certain people are intent on burying history, we don’t have much to go on other than fragmented memories.

The way I see it, the psyche is like a tower - it should be sturdy in theory, but it’s vulnerable to cracks and weathering. Sure, it can hold up against most raging storms, however, it’s not invincible. Even the smallest crack can upset the structure, and if left alone, it can grow into a fissure. And if that doesn’t get addressed, the whole tower will inevitably crumble.

The Epiphany was just gonna chill at the camp for a couple days, get some much needed rest after spending a couple weeks helping someone who was in a bind. They were originally gonna stay for a few days for a festival, only for trouble to come creeping around. Sometimes you just gotta roll with it and help out however you can - at least, that’s the Epiphany’s way.

Part of the reason why things suddenly took an unexpected turn was because one of the people involved recognized Laufey, and he wouldn’t stop bothering her about it. Although it seemed that he meant well and was coming from a place of concern, he didn’t seem to understand why Laufey was distressed. To be fair, she didn’t fully understand why she felt so strongly as well, but that doesn’t change the fact that the other person failed to see that she was uncomfortable. He eventually got the message though, probably because either Jiangyi or Hongxia were constantly by her side.

Even after those affairs were resolved, Laufey was still on edge, especially as nightmares kept her awake for most nights. She tried to hide it at first, but as time went on, it became obvious something was wrong. In contrast to the last time I saw the crew, Jewel and Hongxia have clearly improved physically and emotionally while Laufey, despite constantly keeping a smile on her face, is just hanging on.

Although being out here at the camp seemed to help a little, it was clear that Laufey could no longer deny the unsettling memories that keep popping up. She would jump from one thing to another in an attempt to distract herself, a sort of unconscious effort to stop herself from dwelling on her thoughts, which would eventually lead her to uncovering more fragments of her past.

Jiangyi knew it was coming, and he doesn’t blame her for developing such a coping mechanism. Apparently, his powers had something to do with it, though it’s likely that she was already repressing her memories long before running into him.

What was that power? The ability to create time loops. Jiangyi explained as best he could because he doesn’t fully understand it himself, but if need be, he can enforce a time loop, though with a very limited scope. As a result, it’s not something he can do at will, not after what he did to ensure Laufey and the rebels’s survival. In other words, he pushed that specific ability far past its limit that he can no longer do such a thing, which he feels is for the best as something like that can easily be exploited.

With that in mind, we headed to Capella to search for anything that might be able to job Laufey’s memory. Of course, she objected at first, which I don’t blame her for, but she ultimately came to the conclusion herself that it was something the absolutely had to do. It’s not fun being haunted by something that severely fucked you over, not with it constantly hanging around you like waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Not too much has changed over the years, except that the city seems almost deserted in some areas. Yang said the harbor used to be a bustling area until a major travel route was destroyed due to conflict overseas, which was why he was dispatched over there to investigate. Jiangyi and Laufey managed to arrive right before the harbor shut down. Moments later, a roaring tsunami flooded the entire peninsula, bringing even more chaos to the city. It’s a miracle that the camps set up in the plaza managed to save countless lives.

Laufey was able to recognize a few places, mainly the ones she used to frequent in the short time she stayed there like the cafe and bookstore. Those were happier memories, which made things easier for her as it made her more willing to dig deeper, even if it meant facing the painful stuff. A lot of what she immediately remembered were memories after she and Jiangyi were taken in by Yang.

Slowly, between coffee, pastries, and books, Laufey uncovered her fragmented memories. She works best when she’s on the move, so we did quite a bit of sightseeing while she literally retraced some of her steps. Of course, she got sidetracked sometimes, but that’s natural. Jiangyi tried to help keep her focus and even he got a bit distracted sometimes too. Again, it’s only natural when uncovering the past, like cleaning your room for the first time in forever and coming across stuff that you lost long ago.

However, this is only part of the story. Jiangyi gave us what he knew, revealing the time loop and all that, but there’s still a lot of holes to fill that only Laufey can answer. Before fleeing to Capella, Laufey had been living in a distant city overseas formerly known as Thyphainne. Unfortunately, that city no longer stands due to a revolt that obliterated the whole nation. In fact, the final attack took place not too long after Laufey and Jiangyi got on the last boat to Capella. Since then, the ruins have been closed to the public to this day.

A trip to the library’s archives helped with that. Laufey had been staying in Thyphainne where she got involved with the rebels and their cause. At the time, a scandal involving Thyphainne’s royal family was uncovered, leading to political unrest. In other words, it wasn’t a good place to live in if you weren’t royalty or from an aristocratic family. For whatever reason, Laufey decided to stick around and join the rebels in reclaiming their homeland.

She wasn’t sure why at the time, but hearing stories about families who lived there for generations only to be kicked out and stripped of their rights because of the whims of the aristocrats, it really made her angry and sad. For someone who’s generally cheerful, it’s kinda surprising to see her such a fire brimming underneath - but at the same time it makes sense. Something about her, I picture a flame, burning brightly - vibrant, passionate, strong willed - that’s who Laufey is.

Unfortunately, this is a case where the bad guys won - though it wasn’t a complete loss. The rebels were willing to fight until the very end and their sacrifices were not in vain as their spirits still live on right now. Calling the atrocities of the royals acts of inhumanity was an understatement - they really were straight up monsters. All the more reason why Laufey had to join their cause, for having an outsider ally could really help turn things around. If it wasn’t for Capella supporting the rebels and recording what was happening, the whole thing would’ve likely been buried and forgotten. Scary to think that some authority figures have the power to erase history like that, spitting on the graves of the lives they destroyed as if they’re nothing more than pests.

As the turmoil became dire, it was clear that the rebels were no longer safe in their own homes. A small group chose to stay until the bitter end while encouraging those with families, especially young children, to flee, to ensure that the next generation would survive and remember what unfolded. Laufey was tasked with evacuating families from the neighborhood she was living in and she was determined to get every single one out alive.

That’s when Jiangyi came in. Like Laufey, he was a traveler who was initially passing by with no intention of sticking around, not with the political tension going on. Except he couldn’t, especially after he witnessed an altercation between a college professor and a noble. It was a classic case of censorship, and so he intervened, thus making him an enemy of the nobles while gaining trust from the rebels. He too volunteered to assist with getting the rebels out of the country.

To put it lightly, the whole thing was a bloodbath - Waves of Woe was what the survivors later called it. Had Jiangyi not intervened, almost all everyone who attempted to escape would’ve been executed. That was why he had to defy fate - he said he wouldn’t have been able to live with himself if he let things be. He wasn’t even sure if he could even pull off a time loop of such magnitude, but he had to try, regardless of whatever consequences he’ll have to deal with later. A truly selfless act for someone who claims to be just passing by.

Like he mentioned, time loop powers are poorly understood, so there’s no telling how it’ll affect an individual. It seems that for most mortal humans, aside from disorientation and memory gaps, most seem to recover and get on with their lives without a hitch. However, for a non-human or long life species - or in Laufey’s case, a human and dragon hybrid - the effects of a time loop have been shown to be unpredictable. A couple loops in and she realized that something was off, especially when she was able to avert fate based on previous timelines.

Once Laufey became aware that they were stuck in a time loop, she went to find the source, Jiangyi. Even early on he was already pushing the limits of his ability, but he was determined to change the outcome no matter how futile it might have seemed. It takes a special kind of perseverance and determination to fight against fate like that - and I’m glad he succeeded. Now that there was someone else present who retained memories from previous loops, Jiangyi realized that maybe, just maybe, they were able to change the future.

Of course, that was far from easy. Countless loops went by and each they they averted one obstacle, another stood their way. Not surprisingly, getting killed many times takes a toll on one’s mind, it’s no wonder why Laufey’s memories went haywire afterwards, as did Jiangyi’s. Still, despite the pain and suffering she went through, Laufey persisted, because if she gave up, it would mean all of Jiangy’s efforts were for nothing, and she couldn’t let that happen. They risked so much and somehow made it this far, so they just had to keep going as far as fate would allow - that was the least they could do in such a hopeless situation.

Finally, there was a light at the end of the seemingly infinite tunnel that kept looping itself. There were far too many close calls, but somehow, Jiangyi and Laufey succeeded in bringing the rebels and their families to Capella safely. Jiangyi was at his limit as his ability weakened the more he used it, so all the more reason to break through and make sure that things work out this time, for there would be no more second chances if this one failed too.

That would’ve been the end for Jiangyi, who was completely spent after putting everything he had in ensuring that this final time loop resulted in the rebels surviving. He was ready to face the consequences from the royals and aristocrats, as well as punishment from a higher order because of what he had done with fate. But Laufey wouldn’t let things end that way. She remembered him saying that he was going to make sure that everyone - everyone - in the room was going to make it out of Thyphainne alive. And she naturally assumed that by “everyone”, that would include himself too, wouldn’t it?

So she ran back to get him, jumping off the boat just as it was leaving the dock. She remembered their surprised expressions, not just at the sight of her diving into the cold water, but also at the realization that their second accomplice had been missing. At record speed, Laufey made it to the shed where they had been hiding and found Jiangyi lying on the floor clutching an amulet, which she recognized was a custom in some places when one is close to death.

Although he was hanging by a thread, Laufey convinced herself that he was just resting after overexerting himself far beyond what was possible. The way she reasoned, as long as his heart kept beating and he was able to hold on to the amulet, he still had time. So she pushed beyond her limits, initially planning to use her heightened speed and agility again to carry him back to the docks, only to unlock a new ability: teleportation.

What happened afterwards was understandably a blur for Laufey and Jiangyi. She remembered being completely disoriented after teleporting for the first time, the last thing she saw before blacking out was a couple rebels catching her and Jiangyi as she fell. Both of them were unconscious for about a week and endured a long and slow recovery. While Jiangyi was able to get back on his feet after a month or so, Laufey was a different story.

Just as Jiangyi feared, Laufey’s memories became scrambled because of the time loops. There was also the punishment he would face because he changed fate, which was considered an abuse of power. Long story short with that, Yang helped him out with that. Once they concluded that Jiangyi’s actions were a one-off thing that he would never be capable of pulling off again, that was pretty much it. However, the whole time loop thing should never be addressed openly, and given the gravity of his actions, Jiangyi wanted to be absolutely certain that not only Laufey was ready to hear what he was about to say, but also that anyone else who knew would keep silent.

Trust isn’t easily given, so it says a lot about how he feels about the people who were in that room - Landry, Della, Fionna, Jewel, Meiying, Hongxia, Daisy Jane, and myself - none of us seem to be the blabbing type. I know I’m certainly not, and I can personally vouch for Daisy Jane as well. The Epiphany hasn’t been together for long, but the amount of trust Jiangyi and Yang put on their comrades says a lot, and I think that’s a wonderful thing.

That was a lot for Laufey to unpack, wasn’t it? But there was still a missing piece of the puzzle - that is, what caused her to repress her memories in the first place? To answer that, we must go further back, long before she became a wanderer, long before she even became “Laufey”. To a place once known as Clover’s Bane.

Finding information about Clover’s Bane proved to be even more challenging than Thyphainne, particularly due to the lack of any written records or media. Even finding about about general things like about their culture, or just basic geographical facts, is like searching for a needle in a haystack. Suddenly, it starts to make sense why Laufey was so intent on helping the Thyphainne rebels - it’s because she was one of them.

She was around 7 when the Clover’s Bane Massacre took place, and that left an effect on her even though she was too young to fully understand what was going on. From what little information we found, it was a period of turmoil, a foundation for generational trauma for those who survived. Among the many problems contributing to the hostile atmosphere, prejudice against hybrids - as in regular hate crime levels - was one of them. And sadly, discrimination has no age limits, no mercy for children who just wish to exist in peace.

At Laufey’s insistence, we traveled to Clover’s Bane - at least, what’s left of it. The city’s been completely abandoned for nearly 30 year, allowing nature to reclaim the land. Maybe it’s for the best that there’s nothing left, especially if the only remaining memories of Clover’s Bane are unhappy ones. Though it clearly pained her, Laufey knew she had to see things through in order to finally let go.

So she walked around, waiting for something to jog her memory. That must’ve worked because she suddenly stopped, or more like froze, when she came across a flowering cork blossom tree. And then it came flooding out, her reciting details about her early childhood - except she seemed disconnected, for a lack of a better word. Like she was talking about someone else - and maybe she was.

Before she became Laufey the wanderer, she was Emmy, daughter of a once renowned opera singer whose career later faltered. She had an older sister, Isobel, except she didn’t look a lot like her. Come to think of it, Emmy bore some resemblance to her mother, but nothing with her father. Was it because he was human? That wouldn’t add up since her mother was human too. Isobel looked fully human too, and she looked like both parents. So why was Emmy different?

She recalls her mother styling her hair to hide her horns, which were thankfully small enough for that to be possible. She also adjusted her clothes to hide her tail, which was also small and thin enough to tuck away. Her eyes were a different story, though having unusual pupils isn’t really the kind of thing people here pay attention to, at least that’s what they believed. And yet, despite her mother’s efforts to make Emmy look more “normal”, that didn’t stop people from staring and whispering. It’s an understatement to say that she had a rough childhood.

Then her life turned upside down on the night of the Clover’s Bane Massacre. The man she called father turned against the family. Her mother told her to escape from the back window and hide in the cemetery across the street. Isobel was supposed to follow but for some reason she couldn’t. Emmy waited and waited before returning home, somehow managing to avoid the chaos in the streets. She came back to find her mother and sister dead by her father’s hands, and he was looking for her.

And that’s where things get hazy. It brought her great pain, but Laufey was desperate to uncover that final piece, the reason why she locked those memories away. As unpleasant it was, she had to know. We didn’t like seeing her so distressed, but we respected her wishes. Although it hurt seeing her in such a state, I imagine what she was going through felt 1000 times worse.

The memory she buried away for so long was an act of self defense, an act that no child should have been backed into doing. Her father left her no choice but to defend her life, and to avenge for her mother’s and sister’s. Being a hybrid, she would be physically stronger than a normal human, potentially strong enough to wrestle a gun away from a grown man, Okay, that might be a bit of a stretch, but adrenaline can often push us beyond our limits, as well as strong negative emotions such as vengeance or anger.

The details no longer matter, what she knows for certain is that the gun ended up in her hands and she pulled the trigger. And that was it.

In the present, she fell on her knees and closed her eyes, falling into a deep slumber. At first we thought she passed out, so Meiying and Fionna did a quick exam, confirming that she was simply asleep. So Yang carried her to her room in the Epiphany and we headed back to the camp.

A day has passed since then and Laufey’s still resting. We’re all exhausted too, so we’ve been kinda keeping to ourselves. At least they’re resting at the camp where they can spend time outside rather than cooped up in their rooms. It’s a lot to process, but it looks like a huge weight’s been lifted off her shoulders. She’ll need a lot of time to ruminate on things, and so we’ll give her all the time she needs.

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[stephenjaymorrisblog]

Anti establishmentarianism for All

Stephen Jay Morris

1/6/24

©Scientific Morality

You see the title of this piece? That word is known for the length of its spelling. It’s used on game shows or in spelling contests. It is frequently used by some egotist who wants to impress another with their intellectual prowess. “Oh, you are so smart! Can I suck your dick?”

 Well, here is the definition: Antiestablishmentarianism is a policy or attitude that views a nation's power structure as corrupt, repressive, exploitive, etc.1. It is opposed to or working against the existing power structure or mores of a society or government2.

The term is often confused with antidisestablishmentarianism, which is a position that advocates that a church of the state should continue to receive government patronage, rather than be separated from the state3.

Here is another word that is derived from this word, antiestablishmentarianism:

Establishmentarianism: This means the government, the Church, the military, and your employers all have a right to boss you around. Your parents used this ideology to rule over you, i.e.: “You are under my roof, so I make the rules here. When you are 18, you can leave and make your own rules.” Fuck the Family!!! Now, when I say that, I am not advocating abolishing the family. I am merely stating that I dislike the family unit. Now some conservative dumbshits will tell the world that the Left wants to do away with the nuclear family. Just like when some medical investigators determined that gas stoves can be harmful to kids with Asthma. That was it. But the Conservatives set the alarm bell to full blast: “The Left wants to outlaw your gas stoves!!!” In fact, no one or any governmental agency ever said that! What a bunch of alarmists, suck-ass, phonies!

            What we have now in America is toxic patriotism. The adage, “My country, right or wrong!” is the most a-moral statement ever uttered! It equates patriotism with unconditional love. If your country drops bombs on women and children, it is for a good reason. You don’t challenge orders; you just unquestionably follow them.

            Some say, “Question authority.” I say destroy authority! In Israel right now, Israelis must follow Israel’s leaders to be deemed “good Jews.” You want me to pretend not to see the slaughter of the Palestinian people? Is that what you want? Piss off, then! Do you want me to vote for Biden because the DNC wants me to. Drop dead, Ted!

            Morality is morality. It doesn’t come from an almighty God. It doesn’t come from feelings. It comes from thinking. Scientific morality is planet Earth’s last hope. As far as Israel goes, all the moralistic loopholes in the universe are not going to change the fact that punishment must fit the crime. The horrific crimes committed by Hamas on October 7 does not give Israel, or anyone, the right to annihilate a community of Semitic People known as the Palestinians. If you think killing for God or Allah is a moral imperative, then you’ve got a pea brain and no heart.

That is why I am a Jewish Anarchist and an Anti-establishmentarian. All power to the people!

[scrivellc]

45, 43, 31, 18, and 1

45. What’s something unimportant / frivolous that they hate passionately?

Greeting cards. He finds them supremely insincere and a waste of paper. He's especially put off by ones about parents since he simply does not relate to any of the mushy sentiments in them. He just cannot believe that anyone genuinely thinks these things, and he thinks everyone would be way better off writing their own personal letters to people rather than this schlock. In fact, write letters to people you hate articulating exactly why they piss you off. He thinks that would be a way more productive thing for people to receive.

43. What do they commonly misinterpret because of their own upbringing / environment / biases? How do they respond when realizing the misunderstanding?

Truthfully? He misinterprets most people since he just sort of assumes everyone either thinks like him or only ever really thinks about surface level meanings to people's words and actions. Like, when Seymour points a gun at him he simply cannot connect the dots that Seymour would want to kill him for any sort of personal reason. It couldn't be anything personal! He hardly knows the guy, no no...clearly it's because he's afraid of the dentist. It just makes total sense. And in the rare circumstances where he realizes he's misread a situation....he will not acknowledge it or double down on his way of seeing things. He's incredibly stubborn, often to his own detriment. And the detriment of others.

31. When do they feel the most guilt? How do they respond to it?

Well, first of all, guilt is something a person feels when they have some level of self-awareness, and Orin uh....does not have very much of that. It's not so much that he's incapable of feeling guilt, but he's buried that part of himself so deep in the recesses of his mind that he doesn't often take the time to even try digging it back up. It would be more effort than he wants to expend on something that he knows on some level is going to make him feel absolutely miserable. And Orin is not one to invest in his own discomfort. He actively and aggressively avoids it in fact. But when there is a moment of clarity and he does feel a painful pang of guilt he represses that shit and will "medicate" himself back to feeling great.

18. Who do they love truly, 100% unconditionally (if anyone)?

Unfortunately for Orin's emotional health and really for everyone...there's no one living that Orin loves completely unconditionally. Hell, even despite his grandstanding and tooting of his own horn, he doesn't even love himself unconditionally. While she was alive his mother would have counted as someone he loved truly and fully, but since losing her he's never really let anyone into his heart completely. However, in AUs where he's alive and also Jason exists, he loves that kid with everything he has in him. And yeah, it's not perfect, but he would do anything to make his son happy and make him feel safe and loved.

What’s the lie your character says most often?

That's hard to say. Not so much because Orin never lies, but because he just fully believes his own bullshit at this point, so he'll say things without even thinking that are not nearly so truthful as they could be. But if I had to narrow it down his most egregious "lies" are "I feel great" and "I'm being completely reasonable."

[virtual-macchine]

I've been getting into digital art these last few months because I missed oil painting and digital art is cheaper. But today I started thinking about why drawing musicians performing is so fascinating to me while working on my current piece.

I think there's something interesting about viewing someone from so close and from an angle you're not often in. As a musician, you spend a lot of time watching other musicians play and you can tell when someone is just at ease with their instrument. I love trying to capture that in a figure's form. But it's more than that also. For me, it's this idea that I'm not the only one watching this person and looking up to them in that moment, literally even.

I think I'm a little obsessed with the idea of idolatry, for many reasons including having been raised a muslim. If you don't know, idolatry is considered 'shirk', which is translated as polytheism, and it is a Big, Bad Sin. In fact, by drawing realistic figures with faces, plenty of muslim scholars would argue that what I am doing is haram. While that would have given me serious anxiety when I was younger, now I find a kind of glee in it to know that this inconsequential thing I find happiness in infuriates some people so much, especially when I sin in much worse ways (IM VISIBLY QUEER ASF AND I HAVE SOME SHIT TATTOOS). Like yes, get your knickers in a twist because I had fun trying to recreate the beauty God put on Earth -- seeing as I'm going to hell anyway, of course I'm going to have a good fucking time before I get there.

Oh yeah, being a musician is also haram, technically. Big No to one of the most important forms of human communication. Depending on interpretation and who you ask, that includes all of singing, guitar, piano, etc., and listening to music.

Yes, I spent my formative teenage years rebelling through plastic discs and headphones. I stressed out my mother because I liked the twang of an electric guitar.

Also, look at these homoerotic pictures:

While I'm definitely not a Harry Potter fan anymore, I think about that scene in All The Young Dudes a lot where Remus is watching Top of the Pops and he's secretly fascinated by this fleeting moment when David Bowie and another performer share a mic. That one little scene captured so much of what it felt like growing up as a repressed little queer boy in a violently homophobic environment where everything gay was completely banned. For a long time, this was the closest I got to consuming outright gay content because if I was caught, it was a lot more explainable and I know I wasn't alone in it. So yeah, it’s quite important to me and I have a lot of memories and feelings attached to the music.

And you know, if the day of judgement comes and I really am told to give life to my creations, so what? If God didn't want me to imitate his creations then He shouldn't have made them so goddamn beautiful and I stand by that, so help me God.

Or maybe I'm deeping it too much, let me know xxx

(side note - I have this memory of being told off for watching BBC Sherlock as a young teen because my mum heard the word 'gay'. It was the scene where Watson denies being gay. I find it funny that the arguably homophobic show was also banned in our household because even acknowledging the existence of gay people was too much.)