#i never want to tag that many things again god.
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[ Caleb canonically doing MC's laundry has set something off in my brain so here I am. Also, happy Valentine's day ! here's a longer one as a treat from me ;) I've been posting kinda of non-stop haha ] if you saw me post this before no you didn't
This has happened before. In fact, it had happened a few too many times for his sanity's sake. Whenever Caleb offered to do your laundry to be helpful he always had to deal with the strain in his pants that he pretended wasn't there by covering his lap with a magazine and thinking about literally anything else besides that tantalizing piece of fabric. He's been a good man, or at least he's always tried to be one for you. But was it really his fault if the situation was presented to him with a quite literally adorable little red bow?
Still, he has an admiring amount of self-restraint and for days he told himself he should give them back to you. Every time you two met he kept waiting for the moment to return it, clutching the fabric in his pocket, but all he received were reasons not to. Or perhaps, he just saw what he wanted to see. That's how a week turned into months and then the tortuous years without contact that drove him to the brink of insanity. Fighting back the urge to find you again and do everything his mind has fantasized about countless times was one of the hardest battles he ever faced, and that was saying something.
"Fuck..." He exhaled shakily. His head hit the wall behind him and he spread his legs further on the chair of his private quarters, keeping a firm hand wrapped around the base of his cock. It started after he found the old pair of panties that he had so carefully stored away and now all his mind had to offer were twisted fantasies. Caleb was in biiig troubleā He had to leave in less than fifteen minutes for a meeting and there were security officers constantly passing by his door, but he was past the stage that a simple cold shower and mental math equations would make the issue go away. The images of how the fabric would've adorned your curves in all the right places were soon followed by the memories of how sometimes he'd get a sneak peek when you bent over in front of him and gods that was the sexiest thing he's ever seen.
His metallic hand clutched the delicate fabric tighter as he trapped the lace between his teeth to force down another low groan when his palm began moving up and down again and the faint smell of your soap made his mind feel fuzzy. He was so sensitive that it ached to be touchedā He was sure if this was your hand he'd have come on the spot the second your fingers brushed against him. Hell, if you breathed a bit too closely to his cock he'd fall apart like the pathetic man he is and he can only picture how your beautiful face would look covered with his cum. Can you blame him though? He's never even considered doing this with anyone else, nor will he ever do that, and his busy military life didn't leave much space for his own...moments.
He released the lace from his teeth and pressed the red fabric against his swollen tip, accidentally letting out a strained moan that was a bit too loud as his eyes rolled back into his head. He decided to quickly shut himself up by pushing his dog tag into his mouth to bite down on the metal, otherwise everyone outside his room would know just what the colonel was doing. Caleb imagined that the wet line his precum had made was because of your arousal for him instead. The way it would seep through the thin fabric and mark your pussy for him in such a filthy way. The way he'd lick along the damp spot and enjoy each and every sound that he'd surely drag out of your throat while he had your thighs around his head.
His hips jerked as he thrusted himself into his hand, into your panties, into you. The room filled with his barely contained ragged breathing as he hoped your pussy would be as much of a slippery mess as his cock was right now when he pushed past your slit, stretching you open so good yet so agonizingly slow. His grasp around his length was tight when the friction of the thin fabric against his dripping cock sent him over the edge and he came so hard his body twitched non-stop. His dog tag slipped from his lips, dangling around his neck again as he slumped back against the chair after his strength left his body momentarily.
His eyes landed on the red panties that were now coated in his thick, white cum and Caleb raised his hand to bring the messy cloth to his lips. He pushed his tongue out and licked along right at the middle where your soaked cunt would be, tasting his own release and wishing it was yours. It was a shame he had gotten such a pretty and precious thing dirty but, not to worry, he's always been good at cleaning up.
#tumblr issues#sighhhh#anyway enjoy#caleb love and deepspace#love and deepspace x reader#love and deepspace#lads smut#lads caleb#caleb x reader#caleb smut#lads x reader#lads
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if i could fly
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pairing:Ā bucky barnes x y/n authors note: day nine!
the valentineās day collection 2025:Ā for the firstĀ 14 days of february, iāll be postingĀ a series of short stories inspired by songs, all centered aroundĀ bucky barnes.
reblogs, likes and comments are always encouraged and highly appreciated! thank you ā”
Bucky Barnes, 1943
The air was thick with the scent of gunpowder and damp earth, the kind of smell that clung to his skin no matter how hard he tried to scrub it away. His uniform was heavy with sweat and dirt, the weight of war pressing down on his shoulders like an invisible chain. The world around him was chaosābullets cutting through the air, men shouting orders, the distant sound of explosions rumbling through the ground beneath his boots.
But in his mind, he was somewhere else.
Somewhere quieter. Somewhere warmer. Somewhere where the only thing that mattered was the way you looked at him, like he was something more than just another soldier destined to be forgotten in the trenches.
If he could fly, he'd be coming right back home to you.
Bucky leaned against the cold wall of the makeshift barracks, letting his head rest back for just a moment, eyes fluttering shut as he pictured your face. He could almost feel the softness of your fingertips brushing against his skin, the warmth of your breath against his neck when you whispered his name in the dark.
God, he missed you.
He had never been good at wordsānever been the kind of man who could say all the things he wanted to say without them getting tangled up in his throat. But if you were here, if you could see the way his hands trembled when he held the letters you sent him, youād know.
Youād know that you were the only thing keeping him sane.
Youād know that he carried you with him in every step he took, every battle he fought, every goddamn breath he took in a world that was doing its best to break him.
For your eyes only, he would show his heart.
The others saw Sergeant Barnesāthe soldier, the sharpshooter, the man who never hesitated when it came to pulling the trigger. But with you, he was just Bucky.
With you, he could be something softer.
With you, he didnāt have to pretend he wasnāt afraid.
The war had taken so much from him already. He had seen men fall, had held brothers in his arms as they whispered their last words. He had felt the weight of loss so many times that he had started to wonder if heād ever feel whole again.
But then, there was you.
The memory of you, the promise of youāwaiting for him, believing in him, loving him despite all the parts of himself that he thought had been lost to the battlefield.
He exhaled, pressing his fingers to the dog tags around his neck. They were cold against his skin, grounding him in the present, in the reality of the war that raged around him.
But for now, just for a moment, he let himself imagine what it would be like to hold you again.
To hear your voice, to feel your arms around him, to let himself be selfish for once and ask you to never let go.
He had scarsāones that couldnāt be seen, wounds that no amount of bandages could ever heal. But when he thought of you, when he let himself believe that one day, this war would end and heād find his way back to you, the pain faded.
Because you were home.
And if he could fly, heād be in your arms by now.
#bucky barnes#bucky barnes fanfic#bucky barnes imagine#bucky barnes au#bucky barnes x reader#bucky barnes fanfiction#bucky barnes fluff#bucky barnes x y/n#bucky barnes x you#bucky.txt#bĆŖ.txt#the valentinesday collection 2025
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fuck it friday
thanks @mikibwrites ! Iām not entirely sure of the rules here, but I think you post something/anything from a wip? or not from a wip?? from anything! who knows!!
hereās something from a wip thatās existed for awhile but is picking up speed again
āI want things to feel normal for a little,ā Carlos adds, mistaking TKās jog down memory lane for something else. āTell me about your day.ā
TK canāt fault Carlos for that. He smiles in understanding and begins to talk. āWell, I cleaned out Louās terrarium.ā
āWhere did you keep him while it was being cleaned?ā
TK rolls his eyes. āThe shower. Relax.ā TK kept Lou in the kitchen sink one time and now heās never heard the end of it. Carlos chuckles and the sound is so good to hear. āAnd then I picked up some produce because we were almost out of a few things, took a ride on the bike, showered, and was pretty much just waiting for you to come home by that point.ā
āWhich instructor?ā
āWhat?ā
āWhat Peloton instructor did you use?ā Carlos insists, and TK huffs, scraping along the bottom of his bowl.
āJess.ā
āReally?ā
TK huffs again. āYes!ā
āHuh,ā Carlos muses, looking cool as a cucumber as he takes another bite. āYour friend Ben must be missing you.ā
āOh my god,ā TK mutters. āI do not have a crush on the Peloton guy.ā
Carlos fixes him with a look. āYou take a lot of rides with him,ā he argues, and TK rolls his eyes.
āNot as many as I take with you,ā he mutters, and then sighs. āTheyāre good for strength, babe. Iām a paramedic. I lift a lot with my legs.ā
āUh huh,ā Carlos entertains. āItās okay if you have a little crush, TK.ā
āI do notāā
tagging @paperstorm @reyesstrand @welcometololaland @lightningboltreader @rmd-writes @emsprovisions @carlos-in-glasses @heartstringsduet @tellmegoodbye + open tag!!
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Yearbook Cover Photo with the Naruto Cast
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#venusā art#digital art#naruto#fanart#naruto modern au#temari#temari nara#haruno sakura#ino yamanaka#shikamaru nara#choji akimichi#uchiha sasuke#naruto uzumaki#sai yamanaka#Sai Naruto#Akamaru#kiba inuzuka#team 8#hinata hyuuga#shino#team 7#tenten#rock lee#neji hyuga#sabaku no gaara#gaara of the sand#kankuro#i never want to tag that many things again god.#Naruto 2000s au
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All Out 09.06.24 // Collision 01.18.25
#AEWedit#AEW All Out 2024#AEW Collision#hangman adam page#adam page#swerve strickland#christopher daniels#my gifs#marie#emi tag#it's about the PARALLELS#I don't think you guys comprehend how insane this whole thing has made me#this vision has plagued me since i woke up this morning and i genuinely.#something about how this match was the final nail in the coffin for both men involved#yes it was cd's retirement from in ring action but also?#it was hangman solidifying his madness. his insanity. his anger#the match with swerve he did out of necessity that was revenge that was making swerve pay for what he did#but cd? it didn't have to go like that and cd KEPT saying it didn't have to be that way#but hangman was so intentional in everything he did to cd. he wanted this man and everyone else out there to know that#he's not playing around anymore. he's never going to let himself be that man again#him stopping at the top of the ramp and choosing to go back to the ring#WHILE THE CROWD SCREAMED IN TERROR TOO BTW#whereas in the swerve match he stops himself???#god. ohmygod i'm insane i'm so sick over this match#literally been screaming crying throwing up all night over this#blood tw#cw blood#how many sets can i make out of one match??? the answer may shock you!
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Being constantly surrounded by the presence of a loving God sounds great until you realize you never know when his freaky fuckin eyes are gonna show up to check on you.
And man. They do it a LOT.
#primus please let the mech breathe#what i want to emphasize most with this iteration of optimus is the inherent fucking terror of being made a prime#really pick at those little threads of how fucked the matrix as a concept is. same with the staple tropes of op himself#the idea in tfp that it can entirely change your personality. and that if you lose it you cannot remember your time with it#those implications send me spiraling. to what degree is optimus the same being as orion pax? do you forfeit your soul to be a demigod?#do you fucking die to become a conduit for the higher being that made you? letting it puppet your mind and body like a parasitoid?#if death in transformers is simply rejoining the allspark; if the soul is something splintered off from the whole;#and if to die as a cybertronian is for that fragment to merge with the whole once again. is a prime not fundamentally a dead mech walking?#a prime stands with one pede in the afterlife and one in the land of the living and has to keep up with both at once#constantly seeing visions from a plane his processor was never meant to comprehend with optics that were never built to see it#forced to adapt into an elevated being as much as a frame that still has silly things like wants and needs and emotions and base coding can#how does a mortal live when his body is no longer just his body; but a vessel fir something holy and a tool fashioned to heal the world?#when he can never truly be alone again and he has to simply live with the ever present knowledge that he is being watched#both by his god and by the world#how does one live knowing not even their thoughts are private? when your god may be living but man he does not get the idea of boundaries#guess it must be hard to grasp personal space and all that when youre an ocean of souls that left it behind#maccadam#transformers#wayward sparks#optimus prime#art tag#sometimes i feel kinda bad for putting this bastard through The Horrors. if ws gets made all the way he will be thrown so many bones#only sometimes tho >:3
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i wish i could have some more coherent mikami thoughts for once but God, here is one: i think that mikami is more self righteous than light is. is that something.
#š arian's shit#death note#teru mikami#i am going to do word vomit in the tags now:#big thing about his character#he never has a single doubt in his mind that his opinions and mindset is flawed or false in any way#he thinks that without a shadow of a doubt#that there is good and there is evil#there is nothing that will convince him otherwise#evil will be eradicated and though he isn't leading the eradication he is playing his part in it#also ugh keep thinking about how so many mikami traits are pushed onto light again. like#light had the motivation to be a god as well and to satisfy his boredom to some extent#but mikami his intentions always has been justice#there is nothing else to it#justice is his only priority the only thing that matters to him#also another thought#tumblr user kiyomitakada leading to what they said a while back#kind of like mikami is actually pretty independent in how he brings upon that justice#people can call him a dickrider all they want but the thing is#he does what he wants and he does what he thinks is right and necessary without much regard for what kira actually wants#as long as he can justify and convince himself that it's in kira's interests that kira would have wanted this#AND YES. THAT IS. SO PERFECT. SO HIM.
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god is swuarshing me beneath his thumb like i am an aphid or perhaps a clover mite. yeah. its slow and painful and im small. and also meek
#just me rambling again#guys. guys i have been just barely scraping by for what feels like so long it's genuinely so overwhelming and confusing and just very#unsettling for me to be having good feelings especially like.. big ones#i kind of feel like im dying ?? not actually physically but my entire brain just really doesn't know what to do#ive got some rational anxieties but also a lot of really stupid small ones just that are so all over my brain#and the cause feels so stupid. ok cool so ur falling for one of ur friends. happens. ok so same friend VERY OBVIOUSLY likes you too. ok ok#a little weirder but something that has happened before#but there's just so much in mybrain anxious abt stuff (ive been forgetting to take my anxiety meds a lot the past week(#idk i just feel like somehow it's not fair to them??#like. being with me or me trying to maybe be with them feels like... im taking away something from them or from their life#even tho we literally talked last night abt dates we really really wish we could go on#and how we obviously would just work well together we're compatible in basically every way#it also would be low pressure not heavy commitment because at the end of the summer we're both planning to move for college things#and she's looking at colleges in New York and nyc and im looking at colleges in oregon or Washington#so yeah.. literally across the entire country from each other#but that almost scares me more bc i have the it will come back hozier type of attachment issues where it's so so difficult for me to ever#let go of things once ive latched on (everything I've ever let go of has claw marks on it or whatever) and i really don't want to leave my#claw marks in them bc like. god i really would adore having a thing for however many months we have but im so goddamn scared#that im either not going to be able to let go or one of us is going to detach well before we leave bc thats a reasonable emotional response#and thatll be it's own hell#but also#im 18 almost 19 (and i will make clear that they're in the year below me which also makes me feel really bad but that's a whole other can o#worms there) and its been a long while since ive just. let myself LIVE. ive been the shell of a man for months now. maybe another#stupid and wonderful and beautiful and terrible teenage romance wouldnt be the end of the world.#hell i was so convinced i would never ever ever not be in love with my more recent ex girlfriend and i still love her as a person but im#definitely not still in love with her and our splitting hurt but it was something that i was able to cope with and grow through#idk im rambling a lot longer than i have in a while i just have a lot of feelings right now.#i want to kiss them (again and more) i want to go to a stupid drive in movie and go to museums together and a picnic and all the shit that#we talked about last night and we both love in similar ways and feel our feelings really big and unapologetically#idk i have so much to say but running out of tags on here. double date maybe on friday ? we'll see what happens i guess.
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sometimes i canāt believe i was posting wips every single wednesday and sunday for literal months like who even was that person
#and now i canāt even write a paragraph without taking a month break#or monthS should i say#god why arenāt the words so easy anymore š«š#this writers block thing is doing my absolute head in#i get so excited to still be tagged#and then iām all ā¹ļø cos i have no words to share back#i have so many wips so may ideas but i am so scattered#i miss writing soooo much#and instead of actually writing#i just think about it#and never get any words down#also weāre like a third of the way thru the new season and that is scaring me#i feel like by the time i can write again or finish a fic iāll have missed the boat#and everyone will have moved on#or already written the same idea but better#and itāll be like hey! whatās the point#anyway iāll try to be reassured by the fact everyone stayed active during an 18 month hiatus#and the more fics the merrier#also feels like iām trying to make up for lost time#for all the years the show aired and i wasnāt apart of the fandom#i want to enjoy and savour all the moments of the new season with you all#and get out of my own head#but that wonāt be tonight š„²#š hours#donāt mind me being a sook lol#emphasis on the sunday scaries tonight#literally how is it monday again already im going insane šµāš«#d stuff
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tiktokers be like āI am going to create the most beautiful, relaxing, aesthetically pleasing video ever, with gorgeous lighting, and deeply satisfying contentā. ā¦ā¦.. āand then Iām going to cut the video fifty thousand times in thirty seconds-ā
#chatting tag#WHY. WHY. PLEASE.#I swear like every gifset I ever see that comes from tiktok is like the most gorgeous shit Iāve ever seen in my life#(specifically those videos of food that have really sunny lighting. OUGH thatās my SHIT)#but then EVERY TIME thereās like 5 cuts in every single individual gif. and it drives me crazy#donāt get me wrong they are good gifsets and it is not the gif makers fault. and obviously I know why the tiktok makers do that#bc thereās such a short time limit on the videos and they want to keep their attention and what not#but I swear to god they will make cuts that are SO FUCKING UNNECESSARY like just cutting literal milliseconds out of a satisfying shot.#which makes it no longer as satisfying. why. why do you do this to me.#listen I just have this secret rule that I never use gifs that have any cuts in them at all in my boards#unless theyāre like really really nice. but even then like only two cuts max or I go crazy. I donāt like how weird and choppy it looks!!!!#so then like all of the prettiest gifs ever. I canāt use. BC THERES SO MANY GIDDAMN CUTS#like thereās so many videos Iād want to make gifs of but you canāt even get like a millisecond long gif out of it without including cuts šš#ugh. anyways. that was my unnecessarily petty and extensive rant that Iāve just been holding in for a while. sorry.#also sorry but the other thing that bothers me is that stupid logo taking up half the gif.#one of my othe hyper specific secret rules is that I cannot use any gif that has a visible logo or watermark on it bc it drives me nuts#and like. not to rag on gif makers. bc gif makers are the most wondrous thing in the entire world and everything they do is great.#but I DO know a REALLLYYY easy way to download TikTokās without the watermark itās so simple it would take like two seconds. please. for me#just look up tiktok video downloader thereās like four good functional websites immediately. itās so easy#letās all start doing this pls we could make the most perfect gifsets ever without that ugly ass logo#(again not mad at gifmakers. I love u gifmakers. muah.)
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In the ābilly parents the girlsā au, I wonder how Sam and Billy would react to Tara being attacked by ghostface? Like one overprotective and āslightlyā unstable family member wasnāt enough.
Somebody knows.
That's his first thought. Maybe he should have known something would happen on the 20th anniversary. He never thought it would come back to him. After all, there was a 'Ghostface attack' just five years prior, and it was all about Sidney. Why wouldn't it continue to be all about Sidney? Billy's dead after all.
He should have moved out of Woodsboro. It's always been risky, staying. But this was his home, and by the time he'd given up entertaining the thought of revenge against Sidney, he'd put down roots. He'd thought about moving a few years ago, when the last attacks happened and the police started sniffing around for information, but the girls had friends here, and Sam's never quite treated him the same since she learnt the truth. She would never have agreed to leave.
So here he is, staring Deputy Judy Hicks right in the face, unrecognised. God these people must be stupid, to look him right in the eyes and still not see him. He manages to talk his way back into the house with a well-placed quip about the absence of their good Sheriff and a reminder that his 14-year-old daughter, her own son's friend, who was attacked, is going to need some comforts of home and her inhaler.
He pauses to take in the murder scene on the way. He memorises the pattern of blood soaked into the living room carpet, the outline of his little girl, the kitchen knife abandoned on the floor. His own knife. They used his own knife on his daughter. When he finds out who did this, he's going to make them pay.
He packs a bag, he packs Tara's essentials, a change of clothes for Sam and the teddy bear she denies sleeping with. He heads for his own room to get some things, and that's when he learns somebody really does know.
Because Billy is scrawled across his bedroom wall in red.
Red is all he sees.
#/mp#ask box#Billy Loomis#AU: the past in the present#the tags tag#I love making baby Tara be attacked. it's so tragic.#the urge to make Sidney Ghostface here is astronomical lmao#anyway what are the logistics of there being two Mr Carpenters in Woodsboro technically and both have been seen being a father to Sam? Idk.#Billy's like 'Christina had a type what can I say'. Her husband left because he discovered the truth and he got to step up.#God I have so many thoughts about where this could go now actually#Like say it WAS Sidney. Who couldn't take knowing Billy was out there still. After everything she just couldn't take it.#She was never going to kill the girl. She just wanted to injure her. Scare her. Get Billy's attention.#But the girl fought back with unexpected ferocity. Things got out of hand. Billy uncovers her in the end and finally gets his revenge.#Gale and Dewey are distraught. Gale investigates. She discovered the truth. Billy Loomis is alive. She reveals it to the world.#Billy finally gets arrested. Tara doesn't take the reveal well.#Sam is old enough to take custody of her sister. She does her best. It isn't good enough. They both spiral.#Just a few years later her sister gets attacked AGAIN. This time it's so much worse.#Her injuries are so much more severe and the perpetrators were people they loved. It wasn't even about Billy this time.#It was about some fucking movie.#Sam moves them to New York after that. But everyone knows who they are. The daughters of a serial killer. With a body count of their own.#There's just no escape.
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Ugh..narrator...
#slay princess spoilers in these tags alex don readdd#i should be sleeping rn but while i was work i couldnt stop thinking abt#how much i feel like the narrator relates to me in how ocd affects me#hes not just afraid of change hes afraid of possibility. but thats not what he thinks hes afraid of he justifies his fear as#wanting to protect the world from seein death ever again#but in truth he wants to kill the embodiment of change itself#my mind is hazy but like i can get it because so many times i just hope that#things just stop#because i think abt so many possibilities so bad that it hurts me a lot#only thinking about the bad possibitilies and the good possibilities never go through my mind#i think so much abt everything that could happen if i do anything that i try my best at avoiding it#and if i fall into not doing it feels empty and stagnant#its safe but it feels really bad and i feel bad abt my fear#and thats what the narrator wants for the full scope of the world cos he thinks that will be better for everyone#dont get me wrong hes very wrong lol but hes so human at the same time#it only gets more clear by his nightmare where he describes that every good moment in life is a short omen for something horrible to happen#next#thats so ocd to me man āoh fuck this is too good something bad will happenā#bitch should have gone to therapy instead of trapping the gods of reality itself trapped in a torture bubble lol#or he should have played satbk#sonic is always right#also i get a lot of ocd vibes from the cage but its slightly different#she thinks she already knows whats going to happen and doesnt try to test another possibility#the only way to save her is to prove to her that what she thinks will happen isnt set in stone. she cant know what will happen#even if her past trauma feels like enough proof that things will be the same- she cant know...#also how she thinks her body is acting on its own and that it has nothing to do with her but it does she just cant see it#cage....#also i love how she comes from prisoner. because prisoner is actually very reasonable in her distrust of you but she believes that her plan#will work#but it doesnt and it turns into the trsuma that turns her in cage cos every worry feels like its the truth
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i love when my nervous system canāt tell the difference between waiting for an appointment and being chased by a man with a gun and a flamethrower
#like why do i feel like this#ITS A DOCTORS APPOINTMENT#i hate my brain i hate my nervous system#this one makes sense for me to be More anxious about but not This anxious about#literally popping propranolol like itās fucking candy the past two days#i donāt even know if itās helping i feel like when iām this far gone it doesnāt even do anything#and itās making me feel anxious about other stupid shit too#not gonna get into all that but like!!!#why do i feel like every aspect of my life is on fire when iām literally just waiting for a fucking phone call#i just really really really want to stop stressing about the stupid fucking bmi thing#like how many fucking times have i said it that is THE reason i chose her#she doesnāt have the requirement#WHY WOULD YOU SCHEDULE ME AT THE FACILITY THAT DOES#honestly thank fucking god i havenāt had weight issues in the past lovebodyneutrality#cause like this is causing me so much fucking anxiety i donāt want to lose weight i havenāt wanted to lose weight i currently CANT EVEN#CAUSE MY LEG IS BROKEN#how am i supposed to do Anything to help this situation#literally can do nothing but Try to not think about it but my pure ocd looooves a thought spiralšššš#thinking that iām helping but thinking it through but nope!! thats actually iust making it so much worse!! those are in fact compulsions!!#and yet i Canāt Stop#chat how to stop thinking about the thing#i cannot distract myself iāve never been able to distract myself from shit iām this anxious about#try to watch tv and have to pause and have thought spirals or iām gonna puke#try to do a hobby but canāt have to stop and have thought spirals or iāll die#how to stop doing ocd compulsions when the compulsions are Your Thoughts#maybe i need to go back to my psych and try some different meds again#we havent been sure if it is ocd or just autism for like literal years but iām feeling Pretty Sure..it would make so much senseššš#maybe i should stop saying that til ik for sure..but like several drs have asked me if i have itši just havenāt been able to accept itš#also thatās not even what this is about why am i stressing about that shut the fuck up omg#i love pissing myself off talking to myself in the tags of my tumblr posts
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My parents got a new car and I honestly can't stand it. There are no buttons and dials and switches. There's no cd player and no radio either. Everything's digital and screens and Bluetooth. There isn't even a key to turn, it's all wireless and touchless and awful. I miss my dad's rusty blue pickup truck with its cd player and visible ventilation and falling down ceiling and all the dials and knobs and switches and buttons and DIALS!! DIALS!!!!
#whats the joy of a car is you cant touch it and hear it click and turn#i want to drive that truck. i want a car thats small and rounded-rectangle with a cd player and a radio and DIALS SO MANY DIALS AND BUTTONS#AND SWITCHES AND THINGS THAT GO CLICK AND CLINK AND VVVRRRRR AND TICK#but by the time i can drive everythingll be shiny and clean and silent and wireless#[insert cool original post tag]#its 12 am and im crying over a falling apart pickup truck. god.#i want to drive that truck going above the speed limit on an empty desert road somewhere outside of albequerque at night#with the windows down and a cd on real loud#and i wont be able to hear the music because of the wind but it wont matter because the car is alive and clicking and vvvvrrrrrrring#but that car's in some third hand sales shop or a landfil and ill never see it's dials again#i dont know what rounded-rectangle is. not referring to the shape but more so the feeling. that truck felt like gray-blue rounded-rectangle
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trying to act normal over the fact that we're moving house next week. and failing
#god i just need to fall apart NOW#im barely hanging on fr#we dismantled the sofa today and are now sitting on our old chairs in the living room#and i almost died actually#thinking about how i had no idea that last night would be THE last night i ever ate my dinner on that sofa in this house#or about how last night was the last night I would ever sit with my boyfriend on that sofa in this house#or or or or or#there are so many things that are about to be the last time i ever do them in this house#and i hate that i cant properly know when they will be#what if i never walk my dogs in this park again#what if i never wash my hair upstairs ever again#what if i never cook another meal in this kitchen#WHY CAN WE NOT KNOW WHEN WE ARE DOING THINGS FOR THE FINAL TIME#i hate this#it's literally never going to be over and i mean that#after we move#we have to clean and organise and unpack/buy things for my dads house#which will take months especially to buy furniture and decorate bec he wont have enough money for extra things#and then my mum will be moving into her new house#probably December but honestly could be after Christmas. who knows#and then the same again#at least her house is newer and has been lived in#dads hasnt been lived in for years and is dirty and unused#FUCK#i need a break#and i just know i wont be able to visit my boyfriends house for WEEKS#i just want to get through this move but god. it will never be over#em talks#tag talk
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trying to decipher if the overwhelming dread & Thoughts are cause of the state of the world or cause i need a shower.
vent post in the tags. idk. do whatever š
#sorry bros im about to ventpost in these mf tags š#im so fucking tired man. im already suicidal to begin with but the Everything happening is making it Worse. Yippe Yahoo Hooray.#therapy in a week though so ive got that at least.#this is the worst time of year for shit to go south.but Uh Oh saying that makes me feel like a selfish fuckass because other people -#- have it worse. like. god fucking damn. i get Extra suicidal around september -> march range sure. but other people are literally suffering#like as we fucking speak. and ive done fuckall to help cause i dont know HOW to help. but thats not a fucking excuse#im just being comfortable in my lazy ass depression spiral cause im a selfish fucking prick. āi cant spare the energy to vett thingsā#other people are fucking dying and im over here like ānoo im too tiwed :( i cant do anyfing so im not gona do anyfing cuz im wazy and tiwedā#what the fuck is wrong with me lmao. knowing me im not gona change shit anyway despite fucking complaining about it cause im just. fucking#Like That.#idk. i was reblogging some of those āhold in there dont kill yourselvesā posts cause like. yk. suicide bad or fucking whatever. but someone#on this site said something along the lines of āok but how many people reblogging/posting these told jews to kill themselvesā and like.#i dont know. i dont fucking know dude. so i guess im not reblogging Those anymore.#theres bigger issues out there and here i am focusing on some queer people who might kill themselves. idk. i should just join them yk#cause i never fucking focus on the bigger shit cause āi dont know howā and āi dont want to make things worse so i just wont do anythingā so#im not doing fuckall other than just being part of the fucking problem here.#i should probably just delete social media for a while and see from there.#or just fucking drink about it thats the other option. its worked for me before (lie) so i may as well do it again am i right#im sorry i never like. boost gofundmes or fundraisers and shit i just.#i dont have a fucking excuse. im just a lazy fucking bastard in my own stupid fucking comfort circle.#āoh no seeing that people are dying makes me uncomforyable :(ā ok well people are fucking dying you self absorbed douchebag. why cant you#get off your stupid fucking ass and do something. get a job so you can fucking help people or *something#its not like you have to pay rent and shit.#<- all about myself. cause yk. self centered douchbag. hooray.#i dont pay rent and i dont have to pay for my own food. i still live with my parents. im fucking useless to society so i may as well get a#job and send the money i dont fucking need to somrone who DOES need it. but here i am.#in.my stupid fucking bed til noon cause āthe world is scary and jobs are hard :(ā#its fucking retail. retail isnt as fucking hard as like. construction and shit but here i am anyway āunableā to do shit.#i fucking could if i just fucking ballsed up and put up with shit. but no. here i fucking am going ānooo i should just kill myself insteadā#vent post
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