#light had the motivation to be a god as well and to satisfy his boredom to some extent
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totheidiot · 9 days ago
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i wish i could have some more coherent mikami thoughts for once but God, here is one: i think that mikami is more self righteous than light is. is that something.
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blurglesmurfklaine · 5 years ago
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Cornelia Street (3/?)
A/N: oh my god they were quarantined
yes. It’s one of those fics.
AU, obvs
I’m posting as I go and idk how many parts this is going to be, likely won’t be very long but I literally don’t know what I’m doing and should i be starting yet another WIP? definitely not but fuck it lets fucking go
Title is from T-swizzles Lover album, I’m OBSESSED
Summary: Three years ago, Kurt and Blaine went on a disaster of a date and never quite got off on the right foot. Now, just before they graduate from NYADA, there’s a national outbreak and they’re both self-quarantined in a mutual friend’s apartment.
Read On AO3
On Tumblr: Part 1, Part 2
Part 3
Kurt has the art of avoiding someone he’s sharing a confined space with down to an art. Blaine stays in the bedroom most of the time and the morning stiffness in Kurt’s joints from sleeping on the couch is well worth not having to interact with his roomie. He spends the first few days decompressing from the stressload of his schoolwork, social media, extra pampering, the usual.
This is enough to keep him entertained for a few days, but the first few hours of day four drag on like molasses. 
Kurt lies on the couch, flippantly scrolling and cycling through the same social media apps over and over again until he’s seen every tweet, every snapchat story, and every. Single. Facebook. Post.
This routine is fine when he has a full and busy life, but it can’t be all he does. He’s going stir crazy.
It’s this boredom, he tells himself, that motivates him to knock on the bedroom door. Because he’s a generally social person, and he’s certain that even the likes of Blaine Anderson could offer him some temporary entertainment.
“The living room TV doesn’t come with Netflix,” he explains when a confused Blaine opens the door. “And my social media feed is dry, so you can either let me in on whatever you’re watching, or you can deal with the consequences of not doing that. I should let you know, I have a brother, and I can be very annoying.”
Blaine hums, looking Kurt up and down. “I also have a brother who can be ridiculously annoying, so I suppose I can’t risk it.” He speaks carefully, but Kurt has a sneaking suspicion that Blaine’s just as out of his mind bored as he is and would appreciate the company. 
He opens the door wider to allow Kurt passage in the room. 
Blaine moves towards the bed, where he’s clearly made some sort of quarantine nest for himself—the blanket is puddled near the head of the bed where Blaine was lying, a few books scattered by where his feet would have been, a bowl of half eaten ramen abandoned on the nightstand. 
Kurt… doesn’t quite know what to do. He starts for the computer chair by the desk, but Blaine waves him away. “You can just sit next to me,” he says dismissively. “That’s Sam’s gaming chair, and it is just absolutely hell on your lower back. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.”
He raises an eyebrow, crosses his arms. “Is that what I am to you?”
Blaine looks at him like he’s genuinely surprised by the remark. “What? I… No. Not at all.”
“Really?”
“Look, Kurt, I know we have a weird history and we don’t particularly get along, but I don’t hate you.”
Kurt eyes Blaine up and down for a second, assessing him for any signs of deceit. He finds none, pulls the cover back and slides underneath it. “What are you watching?”
“Let It Snow. It’s a Netflix Original. It just started, do you want me to rewind it?”
Kurt waves a hand. “No, that’s fine.”
On screen, two teens are trudging through the snow towards a building with AFFLE TOWN on top of it. 
“If the train made you feel real, Waffle Town is gonna blow your mind.”
In the movie, the cheerleader character kisses the other main red-headed girl in the bathroom, but acts like nothing happened when the rest of the squad comes in. 
“Oh, she’s totally not out of the closet yet.” Blaine murmurs. 
“What? But she said she was, at the beginning.”
“I mean, yeah, but there has to be some sort of twist.”
“Hm. Seems like you have this movie all figured out.”
“I mean, movies like this are supposed to be predictable on some level. Let’s be real, we watch these movies because no matter what happens, no matter what misunderstanding there is, you know everything’s going to be okay.” He looks at Kurt, and Kurt’s heart does not skip a beat. But objectively speaking, Blaine is ridiculously adorable, and maybe he has a teeny tiny reaction when Blaine says, “You know that the right people will end up with each other.”
About twenty more minutes in, all the different storylines have been introduced and Kurt realizes why this movie seems so familiar. “Oh my god,” he says. “This is totally just a teen version of Love, Actually.”
Blaine chuckles. “Oh my gosh, you’re right!”
They both laugh out loud at the end, when the crappy best friend realizes she’s been crappy and gives the red-head a little speech. 
“If you and Beyonce were trapped in a house that was on fire and I could only save one of you... I would let Beyonce die.”
The movie draws to a close and Blaine leans back against the pillows, obviously satisfied with the ending. “See? Happy endings rule. They’re a little cheesy, a little predictable, but that’s what I like about them.”
Kurt smiles and looks over at Blaine. “Yeah, me, too.”
*
When the movie ends, Blaine excuses himself for a moment to go grab a drink from the kitchen.
When he finishes his glass of water, Blaine heads to the hall closet, clamoring around for that stash of board games Sam keeps for game nights. He finally finds it and grins a bit, pulling out Battleship. This should keep them entertained for a while.
He stops dead in his tracks, just outside the room, when he hears Kurt in a heated conversation on the phone. “No, Adam. I meant it, this time. We’re over… I know there’s a national crisis right now, that’s why I’m at—don’t… stop… will you let me—! You always do this! Stop talking over me! Oh my god, if you’re not going to listen, then this conversation is over.”
Blaine silently backtracks a few steps when he hears Kurt sniff, then after a minute or two, starts walking again, making sure to slap his bare feet against the hardwood floor so that Kurt hears him coming and can take a second to compose himself. He rattles the battleship game for extra measure and says loudly down the hallway, “So I found this battleship game in the closet, thought it might be a good way to pass the time.”
Kurt still looks a little lost in thought by the time Blaine is back in the bedroom. “Uh, sure, yeah. Why not,” he mindlessly agrees.
It takes them a few minutes to set everything up and figure out logistics. As a gesture of goodwill, Blaine insists that they both sit on the bed for this activity. He still feels a little bad for… whatever Kurt is going through right now. 
They’re well into the game when Blaine decides to tug a little more on the thread that will unravel Kurt Hummel.
“J1,” Kurt grumbles.
“Miss,” Blaine responds. “So… I thought I might’ve heard you on the phone earlier,” he says, and Kurt’s hard gaze pierces through him. “Everything okay?”
“Why do you care?” Kurt snaps.
Blaine felt his own defenses rising up. “We are going to be stuck with each other for days on end, so excuse me for trying to be a decent person.”
Kurt de-bristles himself. “Sorry,” he murmurs, shaking his head. “Sorry… I um… my ex is trying to get me to go stay with him. But I know he’s just going to rope me into getting back together again and I just… I’m done. Sorry,” he repeats, lifting his knees and wrapping his arms around them. “I don’t know why I’m telling you all of this.”
“It’s okay,” Blaine says, mouth twitching. “We’ll chalk it up to social distancing. Speaking of, I know why I’m self-quarantined, why are you? If you don’t mind me asking. Why not go home like everyone else? B4.”
Kurt sighs. “Hit. My dad had a heart attack back in high school. Left him in a coma for a while. Then he had a cancer scare last year, so his immune system isn’t the strongest. I can’t risk taking anything back to him. J2.”
“I’m sorry to hear that… Hit.”
“Thanks. What about you?”
“C4. Kind of the same thing. My aunt has lived with us pretty much my entire life. She's pretty much my second mom. She’s diabetic, and a year ago she needed a kidney transplant. If she even gets so much as a cold, it could mess with her anti-rejection meds.”
He doesn’t get a response for a while and Blaine looks up to find Kurt staring at him. The other boy blinks, like he himself has just noticed his fixed gaze. 
“Um, hit…” he says, looking back down at his board. Blaine thinks he might see a hint of a blush crawling up Kurt’s neck. “J3.”
“Miss.”
“Miss? That’s impossible. J1 and I2 were misses.” Kurt snaps his head up, narrowing his eyes at Blaine, but there’s a playful light that wasn’t there earlier. “Are you cheating?”
“Maybe,” he teases, evading the question because it actually is a hit. In fact, it’s the winning move. “Maybe I just don’t want this game to be over so soon.”
For a moment, Blaine wonders if his comment was too close to flirtatious territory. But then he thinks, so what if it is? There was a reason he agreed to be set up with Kurt freshman year, and after half a conversation with him, Blaine is definitely intrigued, to say the least.
Kurt’s lips curl up into a smile. “Alright… I don’t want to go back to being bored either, so how about this? We each move one of the small pieces and the first one to get a hit wins.”
Blaine agrees, taking one of his small pieces off and moving it.
“I’ll start us off,” Kurt says. “You mentioned you had a brother. What about the rest of your family? A6.”
“Miss. I’ve only got the one, thank god, because he is a handful. My mom is a total goofball, gives the best advice. I love her to death. My dad is the essence of I hate everything except my family. He can be a total grump sometimes, but I know he’d do anything for us. G7. You?”
“Miss. I mentioned my dad. My mom passed away when I was eight.” Blaine’s eyes glaze over with sympathy. “She was… she was really something. I miss her everyday, but I’m also really grateful that my dad found someone as wonderful as my step-mom. They got married my Junior year of high school, and I got a brother out of it. He drives me up the wall sometimes, but I love the big lug.”
Kurt tells Blaine all about the ridiculousness of his high school show choir, his relationship with his dad, and the bullying he endured in high school. In turn, Blaine confesses some insecurities he has about being a musical theatre major, about how he absolutely adores his kooky aunt, and his love for harry potter.
The game takes longer to finish than it should since occasionally they get so deep into conversation that they forget about playing the game. Eventually, it’s nearly two am, and Kurt decides to call it quits.
“Alright,” he says. “I’m calling it. I’m never gonna fund that darn ship of yours.”
“You’re right about that,” Blaine agrees. Kurt had actually hit his piece about three turns in, but again… Blaine wasn’t ready to say goodnight yet.
Kurt snorts out a laugh and rises from the he’d, stretching his arms high over his head. “I’ll see you in the morning,” he groans.
Blaine has no idea what compels him to say this, but he does. “You don’t have to sleep in the living room.”
Kurt freezes and gives Blaine a look. 
“I just mean…” he swallows. “I’ve had the bed enough nights. Time to pay my dues. I can take the couch tonight.”
He hops off the bed before Kurt even has the chance to protest. 
“I… um, thanks,” he gives Blaine a shy smile. 
“I’ll see you in the morning, Kurt.” He returns the smile—more than just a nicety at this point—and turns around to head to the living room.
He can’t keep the dazed grin off his face when he pulls out his phone to text Sam.
Part 4
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artificialqueens · 5 years ago
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First Day Of My Life (Trixya) - Sinatra
A/N: Songfic, titled and based around the song First Day Of My Life by Bright Eyes. I use Brian for Trixie and Katya for Katya to keep from confusion. Pronouns change from whether they're in drag, but mostly it is either mentioned/implied, or isn't very important. Also, sorry if the formatting or spaces are a bit screwed, I'm not used to submitting on Tumblr mobile or on Tumblr at all. Enjoy!
This is the first day of my life,
Swear I was born right in the doorway.
Trixie remembers sauntering through those bright doors, insecure and making a faux-play at confidence all the while. Seeing that face, just for the first time. Nothing was brought on that first encounter, besides the fact that Katya, that was her name, made her feel so much more insecure due to her beauty.
I went out in the rain and then everything
changed,
They're spreading blankets on the beach.
Elimination was something that was inevitable, that was something Trixie learned much too early on. But there was always a sense of security in it; If she was going to make a fool of herself for national television, might as well make them feel as if her time was due. There's no comfort in a second, or sorry, 10th, place. But keeping up a false hope always seemed corny to her.
Yours was the first face that I saw,
I think I was blind before I met you.
In the midst of the controlled chaos, Brian saw far too much when he wasn't in the outfit that helped him shut it out. It started with jokes only they would laugh at in the workroom, vents and stresses. And then before he knew it, he packed his things and left. As Trixie was approaching the back of the main stage, ready to make the final impression, her eyes caught to Katya's. Only a shocked face was caked behind all the makeup, and Trixie couldn't blame her. There really were no hard feelings in it. It's all fine for now, no more stresses, no more vents, no more inside jokes. Dedragged the next day, Brian was emotionally empty, and he didnt know why. There were no bright white smiles in his life anymore, he guessed, and that would stay for a while. But a number placed in his makeup bag changed that; He'd just have to wait a little longer.
I don't know where I am, I don't know
where I've been,
But I,
Know where I want to go.
As the airing started, he was booked to the fucking max.
Booked to where he couldn't find a single empty space in his calendar.
And as much as it was comforting, it was draining, and he knew who to call just for that. So he did, a lot, almost every other day. Instead of waking up with headaches and sore feet and back, he got up, motivated, knowing at the end of all of this he'd get that call from Katya, who was coincidentally also Brian, (they had a good laugh at that). It ended his bad days, long shows and meet and greets with a smile, even if he was gross and made crude jokes just to get a laugh out of him at night.
And so I thought I'd let you know,
That these things take forever,
I especially am slow.
It was when he was staying with Katya, a few years after they had met. Best friends, beyond best. It's humorous looking back, seeing how frank and bold the situation, or Katya, was. It was a simple ask to fuck, and though Brian was tempted in the most disgusting way, he couldn't let what they have sink over an impulse. Laughs and no's, they carried on until the next encounters that got weird, and Brian just wanted to keep things in control. Thats just how he was.
But I realized that I need you,
and I wondered if I could
come home.
It was a bad night. Everyone had them, no one wants them, and no one wants to go through them alone. Grabby people, shouts of drunken people. It got to the point where he got heckled, fucking heckled on the street when he wasn't fully dedragged and he decided to just walk the small way home after changing his wig and heels. Random people threatening, chasing, him running, locking the door two times over and sitting on the couch with the only available weapon next to him. He was shaking violently, and the only person he wanted to call had no hope of response. But he called anyway, letting the rhythmic dial tones almost calm him until he heard a pause and a, "Hey, whats up?" amongst booming club music somewhere in the background. Explaining the situation was the last thing he wanted to do as it was fresh, but when Katya heard the shakiness in his voice, and the almost-crying panic, he had to.
And Katya helped.
So much.
I remember the time you drove all night,
Just to meet me in the morning.
And I thought it was strange, you said
everything changed.
You felt as if you just woke up.
It was no place any friend wanted to be in when your friend said they'd drive hours to your stupid apartment just to make sure you're okay. It's the ultimate guilt, ultimate "I'm okay, I swear. If you come up here I swear to god..". But if Brian was convinced Katya didn't have a followthrough with something, he wasn't now. Hours later, still wired with panic, his head shot up to a jingle of the front door trying to be opened, and then a knock. He couldn't feel his god damn skin he was so freaked out. But he knew the outcome of opening the door wouldn't be dangerous mere moments later when he remembered their conversation. With a shaky step, he unlocked his door, and opened. There stood Katya, with still a small fading black liner around his eyes. His grin shone brighter than the rising sun in his living room after no sleep.
"Thank you." He said, after Katya let himself in and promptly wrapped his arms around the taller man in a gentle hug. He couldn't not cry. He was dramatic, and even if there was no harm, his night- no, day, became so much better then.
And you said,
"This is the first day of my life,
I'm glad I didn't die before I met you.
But now I don't care, I could go anywhere
with you,
And I'd probably be happy."
Years pass after their encounters and soothing patterns on Brian's back just to get him to fall asleep. They're successful, and together so often Brian's feelings have almost stopped bubbling at the edge before they spill. There's always the reassurance, for both of them, that they're there for eachother no matter what. Being on tour together was another odd component of closeness, because unlike being near acquaintances, it didn't feel as if Brian was being suffocated or he was wearing thin with the constant interaction. It was easy, almost too easy to be with Katya.
So if you wanna be with me,
with these things there's no telling,
we just have to wait and see.
But I'd rather be working for a paycheck,
Than waiting to win the lottery.
"You do know we have separate rooms right.." Brian said with a light laugh afterwards. Katya was sprawled out horizontally on his bed, with Brian on his phone watching as Katya did the same and hummed to himself. He laughed and nodded, looking over to the other man. "It's no fun. And I'd be texting you from the other room anyway." Brian simply sighed, not out of annoyance or a need to be alone, just to fill the air because he was right. "Well can you at least sit on my bed like a normal person?... And not perform gymnastics for your Instagram stories?" Brian laughed harder as Katya's leg came up and peeked behind his head on the screen of his phone as he filmed. "Mama, this is a deep stretch rou-TINE!" As the laughter died down Katya let out a, "Y'know what, yeah." and got up to crawl over next to Brian in his bed. Brian smiled and rested his head on Katya's shoulder, just appreciating his company even if he's had an abundance of it over these months. He saw Katya position his camera to take a selfie of them both and Brian just laughed at the sheer cheesiness of it. Katya sported a grin next to the meek smiling Brian, and he captioned the story, '3 year anniversary with my beloved wife! Honeymoon bound.' along with the location of the major city they were in. Brian laughed, "Please send that to me."
Moments later, they were in a comfortable silence, and within minutes they were just cuddling together as Brian watched what Katya was doing on his phone out of sheer boredom. "I love you." Brian said as almost a small nothing now, and Katya smiled and said, "I know." Brian knew the response he'd give, and he was satisfied. "Cunt." He giggled, letting them both ease into a fit of laughs, with Katya looking at him earnestly only centimeters away. It always got to him how good Katya looked out of drag, made him almost as insecure as when he saw him in drag in the workroom the first day he saw his face. There didn't need to be any non-drag kisses to solidify whatever this was, which was a bit sad on his part, but his feelings were so strong sometimes he gets blinded. There truly was no appropriate way to show his appreciation. So there they were, staring mindlessly at eachother with a hint of a smile on both of their faces. "Can I kiss you?" Katya said as he always did. Brian of course chuckled and nodded, and it happened sincerely. Not heated, not masked. Eyes just slipped shut gently, just as gentle as the kiss. It was long, and it didn't change. Maybe the emotion he put in it will do for now, because he couldn't imagine finding words after they pulled apart. And he couldn't find any words. Just a strong tugging at his heart, not so much bitter as it was dying to be heard. But he didn't allow anything to become of it as he put his face back into the crook of Katya's neck and exhaled, closing his eyes and letting the sleep approach him slowly, and then all at once.
Besides, maybe this time is different
I mean, I really think you like me.
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aviationfiction · 6 years ago
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XXXV
Autumn Dupont
“Autumn, how the hell do you come up with this shit? Dante, you’re going to be overweight about six months into your marriage, once you two finally tie the knot.” As my lazy frame further sunk down into the chair on the right side of the dining room table, I snickered as my brother stuck his fork into the nearly finished pile of gingerbread Belgian waffles that I placed in the middle of the table about a half an hour ago. With it, I fried up a couple of pieces of boneless chicken and scrambled some eggs for the hell of it. The setting felt like an odd double date between Isaac, Lauren, Dante, and myself as we all sat around the table enjoying the breakfast I made after both men whined endlessly about being hungry.
I had no intention to make breakfast, because I wanted to go out for it and Dante was more than willing to oblige that request if I dressed myself quickly enough, but instead of pressing his pregnant wife to cook, Isaac pestered me into the kitchen and in front of the stove. With it being Christmas Eve, the gingerbread aspect of it made sense and plus it’s a recipe that I actually wanted to test out for breakfast tomorrow. Now I’m going to have to come up with something else. It’s bad enough that I’ve been baking since this morning.
“What’s that in the oven that smells so good?”
“I tested out this new recipe that I found online. It’s an apple-pecan gingerbread cobbler.” My fiancé nearly choked on his orange juice as his eyes widened in excitement at the sweetness that his taste buds will experience tonight and tomorrow night. Christmas is always my baking extravaganza. While in Miami, I was quite ridiculous with it and would do it out of sheer boredom, only to end up having to throw away the majority of it because I couldn’t eat it all alone. Anything that wasn’t trashed went to Mario’s house. I even baked for Lebron and Savannah James a couple of times and in exchange, she’d always make an extra one of her famous red velvet cakes with cream cheese frosting, just for me. Now that? I absolutely indulged and I’m not ashamed of it whatsoever.
“I can finally use the excuse that I’m eating for two and no one will bother me about it.” Lauren endearingly ran her hand across her budding belly.
The baby has certainly become an everyday topic of discussion around here with my mother being in overdrive and overkill mode. We’ve already secured a venue for Lauren’s baby shower and given the magnitude of it, the guestlist is going to contain a couple of hundred attendees. I’m not sure if I’ve ever attended or been a part of planning a baby shower that has already leaped over the imaginary twenty-five-thousand-dollar budget Isaac playfully tossed out there when it was spoken about, but twenty-five thousand seems to be just the tip of the iceberg. 
Per the parents-to-be request, if they’re having a boy, Winnie The Pooh has to be incorporated into the theme and if it’s a girl, Tinkerbell. There’s also Heather’s celebrations that I’m automatically in charge of given that I’m the only one in her life who has the best friend and “sister” title. In all fairness, her mother and I agreed on a gender reveal being done right here in New Jersey and the actual baby shower being in Miami, where both she and Mario currently reside. With Mario being from Anchorage, Alaska and Heather being from up this way, choosing Miami is fair. That way, everyone has to travel and no one can pull the “inconvenience” card due to jealousy or indifference about the event being in either one of their native cities. Despite Heather’s protest, I’m paying for a portion of both events. It’s the least I can do as the God-mother. My gift to Isaac and Lauren will be the Balmoral Pram stroller that she’s been raving about ever since she confirmed her pregnancy and maybe an incredible bassinet of some sort.
“You certainly can. I’d like to think that’s one of the joys of pregnancy; eating and relaxing.”
“It’s going to have to be a joy because it seems to be all the grandmas and your brother wants me to be doing.” The way Isaac treats her as if not even the ground is not even worthy of her footprints, says more than enough. No offense, but her being barefoot and pregnant has been his goal since the two of them met. He’s the bread winner millions of times over, so what is the point in her having to do anything else? He never once asked her to sacrifice her career for him. It was a conversation and a choice that she ultimately made and she’s been more than satisfied ever since, from what I’ve observed. So that comment is no complaint. It’s leaning more in the lane of bragging.
“Well you know how this family is.” With her. In plenty of ways, Lauren has replaced my presence around here and it’s up to me to come to terms with it and whatever it entails.
“Hey. You still feel like driving me into the city so that I can pick up that last-minute gift? If you don’t feel like it, I can take myself. It’s no big deal.”
“Yeah, of course. Whenever you’re ready.” Dante instantly nodded his head as I pushed my seat away from the table and stood up.
“I just need to take that cobbler out of the oven and wash the dishes. I should be ready once I’m done with that.”
“I can do the dishes. You cooked. I’ll wash them.” He volunteered without a second thought about it and I shooed his effort away with the wave of my hand and the shaking of my head. Even with the fiancé status, he’s a guest in the house. I could never and would never allow him to wash a dish in here.
“No. It’s fine. Just finishing digesting those waffles. I have it under control.”
“I’ll do it. Go and handle your business. I’m sure the traffic in New York is a nightmare right now. The quicker you get there, the quicker you’ll be able to come back.” Isaac’s offer came as a surprise. Though I’m unsure if there’s a motive behind it, I’ll take it for the sake of exactly what he mentioned. Last minute shoppers are always a nightmare and I’d rather not have them trigger an intense headache that is sure to ruin this Christmas Eve as I try to maneuver through their desperation to finish off their Christmas lists. What I need is already gift wrapped and awaiting my pick up. 
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah, go. Maybe you’ll run into mom and pop out there.”
“Dear God, I hope not. She’ll keep me in the store longer.”
Once I secured my cobbler in the perfect place for it to be able to cool down, I ran upstairs to grab my bag and met Dante at the car. He’d gone out ahead out me to warm it up and to make a phone call.
It didn’t take much of a debate to get him to come and spend the holidays with my family. Initially, I was going to keep things between just he and I simply because I decorated his apartment for specifically for that and most of all, because I didn’t want to necessarily snatch him out of his comfort zone, but he insisted that he was more than okay with joining in for our dorky Christmas traditions and my enthusiasm about the holiday. The man is currently donning an exact replica of the Christmas sweater the Grinch wore to the Whobiliation in the Jim Carry live action remake, just for me. I’m one hundred percent sure he probably internally cringed when I pulled it out of the box that it came in but he put it on without much protest. I hope he’s just as enthusiastic about the matching pajamas we’re going to be wearing tonight.
“We’re going to the one on Fifth Avenue?”
“Yeah, the Rockefeller Center location.”
Per his usual, he looked on as I pulled the seat belt around myself and secured it. He then double checked it. As his eyes transitioned to the driveway, I change the station on his radio to Light FM so that I could enjoy the endless sounds of my favorite holiday songs. I’ve been doing it every single time I’ve gotten into his car or anyone else’s since the middle of November and I have no plans to stop until New Years Eve.
“You know, I’ve been watching you in action ever since December hit. You’re so in love with the holiday season. I feel like I should be mentally preparing myself for when we have kids because it’s going to be all that you’re doing now, but times a thousand.”
“Sounds about right buddy. You got down on that knee and asked, so you’re stuck with me and all of my Christmas loving antics.” Am I loser for looking forward to my first holiday Christmas card with my own family? We’re going to shoot for a holiday Christmas card once we’re married whether we have children or not at that specific point. Do you know how many of them I’d gotten in the mail in Miami from the fellow WAGs on the team? I had to deal with a stack or two being piled up on the entryway table in our foyer all throughout December. And then there’s the one that my own family does that I avoid like a plague nowadays. Even since being back, I’ve yet to find time to make it to the little photo shoot they do in the living room right after Thanksgiving. I’m one hundred percent sure that I’m going to look like the oddball and will be the one all of my relatives have so much to say about when it lands in their mailboxes. I’m the “fuck up”; you know the one who did everything wrong. The more I stay under the radar, the less they have to say about me. I thought I’d been doing a good enough job with that until Richard St. James decided to make himself a presence between his son and I.
“I’m looking forward to it.”
“Is it because of Heather and Lauren?”
“No. I’m thrilled for them, but I’ve always wanted kids of my own. You know this.”
“I do know that. What I mean is, does it make you want to speed up the process?”
“No, not really. As I said to you before, whatever happens will happen. I used to have a time frame on it, but I don’t anymore.”
“I have a time frame on it. I have nothing to show for myself individually. I’d at least like to get somewhere in life so that my kid will be able to be proud of me.”
“And where do you believe you are in life right now?”
“A college dropout.”
“Yeah, and so is Mark Zukerberg, Michael Dell, Steve Jobs was one, Bill Gates, Evan Williams, Jan Koum, and a bunch of others. What’s your point? I will never understand why you constantly berate and belittle yourself all in a way to unfairly compare yourself to others.” I don’t expect him to understand it, because he’s not in my position nor will he ever be. It’s something that I have to live with until I improve on it.
“Did you just compare me to the men who created Facebook, Microsoft, and Apple?”
“I compared you to college dropouts.” His lips pursed together as his brow creased in a growing frustration.
“The comparison was to make the point that the college dropout label has no standing when you go and do something beyond that. Why is it that everyone else notices the talents that you have more than you do? If going back to college is what you want to do, then baby, I’m all for it. I’ve told you that before and will tell you it again. Go back and get that degree. I know that it means something to you and you’d like to be able to at least have one higher education diploma hanging up on your parents’ mantle alongside Shane and Isaac’s. If you don’t want to go back, don’t. I’m just as fine with that. If you want to go full throttle into beginning a business for your designs, I am all for it. Whatever you need for it, I’m going to give it to you with no second thoughts or hesitation about it. Your event planning expertise is unmatched. You want to open a business for that? I’m supporting it. Whatever you want to do, I have your back, sides, and front. So, don’t sit there and make it seem like our children will look down on you because you didn’t graduate from college. If the way you take care of those who you love is any example of the kind of mother you’ll be, then consider our kids blessed.” His words never fail to silence me, especially when he’s expressing a point about what he feels about me.
In a lot of cases, we typically feel like those who love us have those moments of obligation to say something nice, whether they mean it or not, especially when we’re being our own toughest critics. Whether they truly do believe I’m a failure or not, my parents do it. My mother is always eager to have a moment to pet me and shower me with love that I sometimes do and don’t need. My father is less likely to do it than she is and it’s because I try my best not to have too many emotional moments within his presence more so for his sake than my own.
I don’t think he knows what to say to me at this point in my life other than for me to get it together and he doesn’t even say that because I’m sure he believes I’m too sensitive to hear it from him. I’ve disappointed him, though he doesn’t use that exact word or anything synonymous with it. He had to go from bragging to the entire family about my future as a doctor to maneuvering around with his head tucked between his thighs because I’d become a public spectacle. So, I usually control the direction of our conversation with one another and I keep them extremely general or focused on whatever is going on in his life. It’s for the better.
“Stacey is planning our engagement party. I just thought you should know.”
“Sounds like something Stacey would do. I’m not surprised.” At all. I’m one hundred percent sure she began planning that party in her mind as soon as he slipped the ring on my finger; maybe even before that.
“I think she wants to reach out to your mother about it. It would probably be best to include her in the planning of something like that, right?”
“I don’t know, I guess so. She kind of has herself tied up in everything going on with Isaac and Lauren’s baby, so if Stacey can bare the bulk of the work, it would probably be for the better.” The faint dust of snow trickling onto the windows immediately caused my eyes to lighten up. We’re not going to have a white Christmas at all. Because I was never anticipating it, I’m more than okay with the flurries that we’re going to get throughout today and the middle of the night. They’re further enhancing the spirit.
“Okay.”
“I already know you shut down at least twenty of her ideas about it.”
“Not twenty but maybe five or six. She’s trying to invite the whole entire New York City. You know that’s not my vibe.”
“You have a nightclub.”
“And that’s exactly why it’s not my vibe. I’d rather not have people putting on the most expensive outfit in their closet and showing up to a personal event of mine for the sake of clout chasing. If I can’t look at you and immediately recognize who you are, then no thank you. Speaking of the club, are you coming to the New Year’s Eve party?”
“I’ll be there. Will you have time for me is the real question here.”
“I will. We’re going to be double staffed that night, so that’s less of a work load on Fred, Mike, and myself. So, I’ll be by your side the majority of the time. I promise.”
“Alright, because I don’t want to have to find some random to kiss when the ball drops.”
“I’d rather not start the New Year off in handcuffs, Autumn.”
“You’re one to talk. I was five seconds away from snatching that bartender from behind the bar at the holiday party.” The smirk on his face nearly made me punch him in the chest. Though I doubt he fed into her antics, I’m sure it stroked his ego and allowed him to know that he still has that aura that can instantly make a woman drop her panties for him without him ever having to try or say anything.
“You saw that?”
“How could I not? Her eyes were following you around the room all damn night. And then, she looked like she wanted to kill me when we were speaking.”
“You had nothing to worry about. Heather was going to kill her for you. I had to hurry up and hug her so that I could get her to turn around. If looks could kill, that chick would have been instantly dead.”
“That’s my sister!” My shoulders rose in pride. I would have done the same exact thing for her.
“I already know that you know you have nothing to worry about, so I don’t think I have to reassure you, but I will anyway. I only want you.”
“Even when I’m a horny old lady and my boobs are sagging down to my stomach?”
“We’re just going to get you a good bra and I’ll pop a Viagra or two and handle that.” As I ran my hand over his arm, we shared mutual laughter over what our lives may be like when we’re somewhere in our late sixties or seventies. I’m looking forward to it. When you’re living your life and you have someone alongside you who only enhances the greatness of that, all you want to do is live out the experiences so that you’ll have something to be nostalgic about when speaking to the younger generation. God willing, our love story will be one worthy of a novel or one that will pass down through generations of our grandchildren.
The best part in myself singing and snapping my fingers along to all of my favorite Christmas hits is Dante in the driver’s seat butchering them after I invited him to join me in my glee. While snapping his fingers, he threw in words and lines that were never apart of the songs or would ever make sense. It was so comedic that I had to whip out my phone and record him. If we had the windows down, we certainly would have attracted the attention of New Yorkers walking along the sidewalks in the busy city. I had to accuse my man of being biased because while he butchered all of the songs sung by white artists, he certainly knew the Motown classics much better than he did those. I’m so mad that I didn’t bring our Santa hats out of the house with us. They would have been perfect for the video.
“This is a gift for your mother?” Dante glanced around at the display cases while I waited for my pick up order. I’d gotten her eighteen karat rose gold bangle with round rubies within it from their Atlas collection. It cost me just a little over six thousand dollars. The bracelet I originally wanted to get for her was a nearly ten karat gold cuff with three large rubies in it, but the thirty five thousand dollar price tag was a bit too hefty. Hopefully I’ll be able to grab it for her next Christmas. It’s so regal and attention commanding, much like herself.
“Yeah. It’s a bangle. She loves bracelets.”
“Good, because I got her one too.”
“Did you? That’s perfect. I know she’s going to love it and I don’t even know what it looks like.”
My curiosity had gotten the best of me, just as his did, and I too began to look around the store at the breathtaking pieces that most would only see in a fantasy. As the thought of Dante purchasing my mom a bracelet for Christmas, I couldn’t help but to think about his own and if he’d gotten her anything. I can’t even begin to imagine how it feels to have the one son born from her womb not be interested in seeing her on the most family-oriented holiday of the year.
“Wow.” I was a bit breathless as I nearly pressed my face against the glass to get a good look at the bracelet that was reminiscent of a flower bush with its light green tourmaline gems representing accenting leaves and floral patterns filled with diamonds. I’ve never seen anything like it.
“You like that?” I didn’t even know he was behind me.
“It’s beautiful.”
“Want it?” I knew it was coming. I fucking knew it.
“No.” As quickly as he asked is as quickly as I shut him down. I don’t even want to know how much it costs.
“Why? It’s Christmas.”
“So, what.”
“And you call me the fun police.” As I waved him off, he rolled his eyes.
I thought shutting him down would keep him off of my trails as I continued to look around the store, but he still continued to follow along and then linger around areas that I’d walk away from. Even after I picked up the gift, I still continued to walk around the store for a couple of minutes not only taking in the beauty of the jewelry but also the Christmas decorations donning every area of the place. I’ll miss all of the decorations when they’re gone next week.
“Are you hungry again? You want to grab a bite to eat before we go back to the house?”
“I have something else in mind. We’re in good timing too.”
“Good timing for what?”
“You’ll see.”
“See what?”
“Oh, don’t you love this song?”
The Temptations “Let It Snow” easily drowned me out during our short-lived drive. He literally only drove a few blocks and parked the car. I threw out every urge to be stubborn and continue questioning him as we walked down the sidewalk hand in hand, and I immediately wanted to jump into the air and click my heels as Radio City Music Hall came into view. I nagged about forgetting to get tickets to this show two weeks ago. We saw it literally every year when we were kids but I haven’t been in quite some time now. I’ve yet to experience the new changes such as the 3D effects and the LED lighting.
“It took ya’ll long enough. Do ya’ll know how cold it is out here?” Mike readjusted his beanie hat.
What I thought was going to be a little afternoon date between Dante and I turned out to be a group outing that included Mike, Fredrick, Erica, Stacey, and surprisingly Heather and Mario. How does this man do it?
“Aw! My friends!” The sight of all of them standing there warmed my heart more than anything else could have done within that moment. Everyone was just as festive as Dante and I in their ugly Christmas sweaters and hats. Heather had even gone all out and gotten green and red stripped leg warmers.
“Friends? Friends don’t let their friends freeze.”
“I didn’t even know.” To further annoy him, I pulled him into a bear hug and jokingly rubbed my arms up and down his body to warm him up.
“Don’t be rubbing on him. His body heat can handle that.”
“Don’t be a hater your whole life Al B Sure face ass.”
“Where were ya’ll anyway? Dante kept texting us to make sure we’re all on time and look at the late ones.” Heather cut her eyes at him.
“At Tiffany. We were literally a few blocks away.”
“Doing rich people shit, on colored people time. Sounds like Dante.” Stacey drew me in for a hug and I immediately made a mental note to ask her about her perfume.
“I’m surprised you’re here. Where’s the baby?”
“At home with my husband and his family. His mother is getting on every fucking nerve I have, so this saved me. If I wasn’t doing this, I was going out regardless. I’ll be back in time to be there with them for the evening.”
“Can we go inside? It’s fucking cold.”
“Can we? Because if he says that one more time, I’m leaving his ass out here.” Fredrick warmed Erica’s arms by doing the same exact thing that I’d done to Mike.
“Yes. Come on. We’re going through the entrance on the side of the building.”
Our kids are going to be spoiled. I’m beyond sure of it now, because I felt like the biggest pre-teen ever as we attended the pre-show reception in the Roxy Suite. He didn’t want to go and eat because there was already a ready-made buffet and open bar for all of us. And the best part? We were able to mingle with Santa and the Rockettes, take pictures, and we shared a hot chocolate toast to the coming holiday. Though they all ripped me to shreds for shedding tears of joy, I couldn’t refrain from doing so even if I tried. This is the first holiday season without an emotional roller coaster happening within my mind. I’m not experiencing those unstable moments of my mood being up and suddenly viciously crashing without warning. Though I miss Shane with every fiber of my being, I’m smiling and living. There’s a fulfillment there that I haven’t touched the surface of since everything spiraled in my world. I feel good; great even. My tears are joyous this year. I’m thankful.
“You know, this is the happiest he’s ever been for this holiday. Look at how much Scrooge is laughing.” Stacey quickly pointed towards all four men who were huddled together and laughing at God knows what as we awaited the show’s start.”
“It’s crazy, because Fredric said the same thing.” Erica winked to give me all of the credit for that.
“I know. I thought I was in overkill mode and making him uncomfortable, but he’s been such a good sport.”
“Anything for Autumn.” Heather mocked his tone of voice as best as she could.
“It’s not even like that.”
“Yes, it is.” Unison. It felt like I was standing before a choir of three as that response came out of their mouths. Okay, I’m a bit spoiled, but so what? He’s spoiled too.
“It’s alright though. Though he didn’t agree with me, he needed someone to take care of him in all of the ways that people weren’t; in ways that I couldn’t. I do my best in the big sister role, but he needed more and you came. I believe in fate. You’re damn sure that.”
“Fate, huh?” That’s an interesting way to put it.
“Hell yeah. He’s yours too. Someone had to come through and show you that Andreas wasn’t about shit when you met him and isn’t about shit now. Now look.” Indeed. I don’t regret anything and I’m not into labeling people an upgrade, but I learned when you open yourself up to change, some beautiful things can happen within your life in the best ways.
“Well damn. Just slander the man Heather.”
“Slander? I still contemplate slashing his tires at every game I attend.”
There was a point in time when I too, wanted revenge, but I’d like to think I’m having it already. Most of all, I’m having it healthily.
Our seven o’clock arrival time back at the house was the perfect timing. I’d made it back just in time before my mother began to call my phone complaining. While changing into our pajamas for the evening, I was able to wrap up her bracelet and slip it under the tree without her ever detecting it and our traditional board game festivities began. While playing, we experimented with different flavors of hot chocolate. I came up with the idea days ago and scrambled around Jersey looking for the ingredients. I think the milk chocolate peanut butter, gingerbread, coconut tres leche, and Oreo flavors were hits. I enjoyed the eggnog version more than most of them did and there was something about vegan chai flavor that slightly impressed me. I’ll be trying that one again.
“Autumn, we’re not watching the Polar Express. Grow up. We’re watching A Christmas story.” Isaac and I argue every year during movie time. We’d already been arguing because he cheated to win Monopoly but I don’t care about that. Movie time, is my time.
“I don’t want to watch that. We can watch that tomorrow after we’ve eaten and we’re all falling asleep from the itis. The Polar Express is a better watch. It has music.”
“Let her watch it.” He’d say anything to get either one of us to quiet down. My dad hates when we argue.
“No. I want to watch a Christmas story.”
“Why don’t we just watch both tonight? That should work right?” Dante’s solution sounded like bullshit to me because we’re watching Home Alone and Home Alone 2 right after.
“Nope.”
“Baby. You have to be fair.”
“I am being fair. I said that we can watch it tomorrow.” 
“Autumn. Be fair.” I thought Lauren would say something, but for whatever reason, this particular argument, she found to be hilarious. She hasn’t stopped giggling yet. It’s not even funny.
“Ma, I am being fair.”
“Whatever. She can pick the movies like she does every year. The bratty youngest child tradition continues.”
“You’re just mad because you’re old and boring.” Dante threw an arm around my shoulder as we sat on the floor and leaned against the bottom of the couch. Though he protested against wearing a onesie, there he is, sitting there in one that is identical to mine. My promise to be completely naked under mine is what convinced him to put it on, but who cares? It worked.
“And don’t forget, we’re all opening one gift before we go to bed. It’s tradition.”
“I didn’t get Autumn anything.”
“I got you something. I bought you a personality big brother.”
As I continued to search for the movie, a pillow smacked into the back of my head and laughter filled the room soon after. Once I selected The Polar Express on the screen, I relaxed against Dante in satisfaction that I’d gotten my way with the movie selection. I’ll be the same way until their child is old enough to do it. The youngest always gets to choose. That’s my tradition, whether they know it or not.
“How did you like your gift?” Unlike everyone else, Dante’s hands randomly selected one of his better gifts under the tree. I opened up a spa gift certificate from Isaac. My mother opened up a pair of Christian Louboutin pumps gifted to her from my dad. Isaac opened up Tom Ford cologne from me and Lauren squealed in excitement when she opened up The Golden Girls complete series from me. I’m not sure why she’s so obsessed with that show.
As for Mr. St. James, he opened up a vintage 1964 Rolex watch with a yellow gold smooth bezel and a navy-blue strap that even had me slightly jealous. Engraved inside was: ‘We Love You Son’. Everything about it is timeless and sophisticated. Both my mother and father had done well with that one. She claimed they picked it out because that’s exactly the vibe they’d gotten from him upon meeting him. Their observations were on point if I must say so myself.
“I’m in love with it. Your mom is the sweetest.”
“She is.”
“It further lets me know how lucky I am, because you have a lot of her qualities.”
“Look at you trying to talk me out of my panties.”
“Based upon the agreement that we made earlier, they should already be off.”
“They are.” He didn’t hesitate to reach for the zipper of the onesie to confirm it. As the weight of his body met mine, I had to laugh because I’m beyond shocked that he’s even willing to go there while in my parents’ home.
“I love you.”
“I love you too.”
“You have to promise me something.” His lips met mine for a tender kiss as he palmed the sides of my face with his hands.
“What’s that?”
“I know you like to surprise me sometimes and I always love and appreciate it, but promise me that you will never show up to A&M again. Don’t even stop by if you happen to be in the city and want to see during my work hours. I don’t want you coming there. Okay? Promise me.”
“Why?” And just like that, paranoia settled into the room like a thief in the night and snatched the joy away.
“There’s a lot that you don’t understand right now, baby.”
“Is there someone else?” His eyes narrowed.
“I only want you Autumn. Just you. There is not and will never be anyone else. You have to trust me with this. Please.”
Before the disappointment, I saw indifference within his eyes blended with a fear that I cannot understand. His needed promise was more of a plea and if I didn’t grant it to him, he wouldn’t be at peace. But why?
“I promise.”
“I only want you Autumn.”
As our lips met again, his hands began to draw away the wool material covering my frame. He rid me of my thoughts and it had to be his intention. I could only be lost in a world that only nested he and I; a world that is slowly being invaded no matter how hard we fight back.
The sweat on our skin meshed our frames together in a stickiness as I opened my eyes from my short-lived slumber. My eyes washed over his beautiful face as he peacefully slept. The moonlight illuminated it so perfectly. As I reached my arm up to caress his skin, diamonds dazzled and danced along my wrist like the most beautiful lighting show. A gasp instantly left my chest as I stared at the bracelet I fell in love with at Tiffany. It was the only piece of anything covering my skin besides my engagement ring. How could I ever protest this? I can only be humbled and gratified; loved and cherished.
“Merry Christmas, baby.” I kissed his supple lips.
“Merry Christmas.” Though it was mumbled and rasp filled, he opened his enchanting eyes and stared into mine.
Aside from the birth of Christ, this right here is truly the reason for the season.
Love.
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mikeqsb67318-blog · 7 years ago
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