#j. cole fanfiction

[chaneajoyyy]

There are two really good J Cole fics on here: Aviation Fiction and Forever Hold Me Down

Oh good to know thank you!

[brain-rot-central]

Sex Dreamz

Set pre-first intimacy scene, but after the bite scene so you know he's a vampire.

Rating: E Pairing: Fem!Reader x Astarion Summary: Astarion is trancing but ends up having a sex dream about you both during his trance. His tadpole, unbeknownst to him, begins signaling to you to join in on his dream. The next day, he has absolutely no idea you saw everything the night before, and tries playing it off like he still has the complete upper hand.

Enjoy reading! There's a fun twist in this. 👀

CW: dubcon - inappropriate use of tadpole, voyeurism, accidental voyeurism, not sure if this falls under the bdsm umbrella but I'll flag it, PiV, creampie

Sleep avoids you this night.

Your mind is racing, trying to process all that has happened over the last three weeks. You feel as though you've aged a lifetime in such a small span of time.

A soft rustling from your vampire companion jolts you from your thoughts. He chose to trance tonight, telling you earlier in the evening that he, too, had a lot to take in regarding their journey.

Yet, in the three weeks you've been together, you can't recall Astarion ever being so… animated in this state.

You're human, a soldier for the City Watch. You've little to no idea how trancing for elves works. To you, it's akin to sleeping. Astarion explained it once to you before, but it was in one ear, out the other by the time he reached the conclusion. You still remember the scowl on his face after you'd told him you didn't understand a word he just said.

He was really cute when he got flustered.

You watch him twitch again, his face now bunching up into a wince. Air is pushed from his nostrils in a quick huff as his head comes to rest toward one side. His face relaxes.

Is he… dreaming?

Can you even dream while trancing?

You're about to turn over to attempt some sleep when a warm caress begins to envelop your mind. The tadpole quivers within your skull.

It recognizes the intruder.

“Astarion?” your brain asks. You look over to your companion laying on the ground adjacent to you. You don't receive acknowledgement from him, though the warm embrace still remains.

His tadpole is asking to join yours.

Why would he want that, you wonder? Was he even aware? You close your eyes and lay back, allowing your mind to meld with his.

You're looking up at a young woman on top of you. She's grinding herself in your lap, cheeks stained red by the blush creeping up from her neck. Her lips are puffy, her jaw slack as soft moans fall from her throat with each rise and fall of her hips. Hands are gripping her thighs, fingertips sinking into the plush flesh, helping guide her rhythm.

It takes you a moment to realize that the hands on this woman's thighs are not your own. You look down to the apex of your thighs, astonished to find that this woman was spearing herself repeatedly over a cock, which was, in fact, not your own.

Finally, your eyes move up the woman's body. Her skin was pale and freckled, not unlike your own. Her thighs trailed up to widened hips, her hips narrowing a bit at the waist. Her breasts fall full and heavy from her chest; again, not much unlike your own.

It isn't until you see the woman's hair that it hits you.

This woman wasn't some random woman.

This woman was you.

Another realization washes over you: you're not looking from your own point of view.

You're looking at yourself from Astarion's point of view.

The cock between your thighs is Astarion's.

Astarion is having a sex dream… about you.

You feel everything through your tadpole connection. Your warm, tight, velvet heat pulling on his cock as you bounce in his lap. The weight of your hands splayed on his chest for balance. The sensation under his nails as they dig into the skin of your thighs.

You feel the rhythmic pull behind his pubic bone resonate within yourself. Your own mouth falls open simultaneously with his, his eyes rolling back into his skull behind hooded lids as his hips drive mindlessly into your core, chasing more of the sensation.

He looks down at the place you're joined and groans. You can see how much of a sopping mess he's made you, the length of him slick with your arousal. He places a thumb upon the swollen nub between your thighs, rubbing it in a circular pattern.

You watch through Astarion's eyes as your body convulses at this new sensation, feeling how your walls contract around him. He bends his legs at the knees and briefly places his hands on either side of your waist, tilting you back to rest against the tops of his thighs.

You throw your head back as his hips piston up into your core. He's gritting his teeth now, jaw tense as the coiling in his lower abdomen winds tighter. Your hands fly to the tops of his knees to hold yourself steady, a string of moans falling from your lips as the head of his cock catches repeatedly on that one spot that makes your vision turn white.

With one well angled thrust you're suddenly hanging over him, shouting out your pleasure as it rips up your spine. Astarion takes this opportunity to wrap his arms around your upper back, holding you tightly as he fucks you through your orgasm. His lips brush against the crook of your neck and he pants into your skin, leaning your head in a silent offering.

Astarion wastes little time. Shards of ice pierce the supple flesh of your neck as his canines rip through into your vein. You taste your blood on his tongue as it flows freely into his mouth. It's sweet, floral; a rush of heat shoots up Astarion's abdomen and the coil snaps. He's spilling over the edge, your walls still massaging his length with the remnants of your climax. He fucks his spend deeper into you with short snaps of his hips.

He unlatches from your neck, lapping up the small rivulets of blood that seep from your punctures, sighing in satisfaction as he finally lays his head back against the ground under him.

The connection suddenly breaks.

You're laying on your bedroll, as you had been prior, the embers of the fire before you flickering dully. You look over to the vampire laying off to your side. He looks… relieved. His face is relaxed, his breathing at an even tempo. Your eyes travel further down his form and catch the outline of… something, pushing against the front of his breeches.

A damp patch can be seen toward the head of the object; it takes your lust-clouded brain a minute to realize that object was indeed Astarion's cock, and that damp spot was his essence leaking from its tip, surely the result of his recent dream.

Yet, he remains entranced.

Did he really have no idea what just happened? Did he really not know his tadpole had revealed his thoughts?

The next day, while you're making your way to the Goblin Camp, Astarion pulls you briskly to the side. “Darling,” he begins, “I was just thinking about you!”

He continues on, telling you how he's “grown to like the whole package,” tells you he would like to share an evening with you. His voice is posh with a sort of sensuality to it, cool and completely composed.

It dawns on you that he's completely clueless as to what happened the night before. Completely ignorant of the fact that you know how he lusts for you.

You agree to his proposition, and he vows to meet you later tonight at someplace intimate after the others have fallen asleep. The tips of your fingers and toes tingle with anticipation of your fated encounter.

If it's to be anything like his dream, you simply cannot wait for the sun to set.

[makavelitheedon]

⠀ ⠀ ⠀ 𝒎𝒂𝒌𝒂𝒗𝒆𝒍𝒊'𝒔 𝒎𝒊𝒙 [ 🎧 ] : now playing… 𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐞𝐲𝐞𝐳 𝐨𝐧 𝐦𝐞 !

You've just stumbled across the blog of a thug ass gangsta’ bitch named 𝒎͟𝒂͟𝒌͟𝒂͟𝒗͟𝒆͟𝒍͟𝒊͟ who loves to read and write. Welcome in, and feel free to stay awhile, motherfucka'.

This writeblr will mainly consist of faceclaims and original characters that are people of color. Forewarning, most, if not all, of my content will be for mature audiences only. Minors, please do not interact.

⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ masterlist | in the works | muses

[carolinablues-story]

Chapter 36 x Fight for Your Love

Zayn 

The view was amazing, I thought to myself. It was a little after seven am, and  I was waiting for Jermaine to wake up. We had a late night last night after the game. He still wanted to keep our new decision of having dinner together on the weekends no matter what. 

Because my modeling career was reaching new heights, I finally resigned as a cheerleader. The team was sad to see me go, but I was proud of my new journey. I finally found out that Jermaine was the one that sent in my portfolio. I felt like I was living a dream. I never had a man that actually put his money where his mouth was. Jermaine didn’t do a lot of talking but he definitely did what he felt was right for someone he loved. 

Since it was easier on my schedule than his, I always made the decision to fly to wherever they were playing if it wasn’t a home game. This weekend we were in Los Angeles. Thank God they won tonight or I wouldn’t have enjoyed this weekend as much as I was. Tomorrow before we headed back to Jermaine’s, I was finally going to let him take me shopping. I always told him I wasn’t comfortable with him spending money on me if we weren’t dating. Now that we were I had no excuse. 

 I even thought Jermaine would be acting a little funny since we were in Cam’s jurisdiction yet he wasn’t. It has been about three months since the housewarming party. Everything has been okay and he reminds me daily that he’s okay with us. The day she left, he came home and told me about their conversation. I was shocked nonetheless, but he didn’t know he opened a side of me I didn’t know existed. Besides, he was eager to be taking me out and for that, I couldn’t wait either. As soon as he woke up. 

“Whatchu thinkin bout?” His voice croaked through the silence. I tore my eyes away from the big windows and glided across the room back to him in the bed. 

“How beautiful the view is.” I admitted. Looking down at him, I pulled back the covers and layed beside him replacing the covers. 

“You look better.” He cheesed causing me to blush. This came with Jermaine. Random bouts of affection and compliments. 

“Anyway, I’m ready for this shopping trip.”

“Oh, you finally decided you want to go?”

“Yes, since you want to take me, I’m grateful to have a man that takes me shopping. Why would I deny that?” I asked him. Jermaine sat up and looked down at me smiling. 

“Say that again: ‘....to have a man….’”

“Shut up.” I rolled my eyes and rolled my back towards him. 

“You get an one hour nap.” He warned, I quickly dozed off because I knew he was serious. One thing I learned about Jermaine, he was very punctual. 

Jermaine

“Aight now…” I warned Zayn. We decided on some outlet strip mall. She went crazy; every store she ever dreamed of stepping in, she stepped in. So far she had something from every store we went in. Even Cam didn’t ball out like this.  And no I’m not complaining. A nigga been saving so much I can spend this  four times if I wanted. 

She was currently looking at a Van Cleef.  I would rather not. 

“Okay,” She sighed. “I’m hungry anyway.” She spun like a child shopping with her daddy. “What we eating?” She asked. 

“Whatever on this flight and you better hope you can pack all this shit.” I told her seriously.  I guess she forgot we had to catch a flight back home. For a second  I did too. 

“What's wrong?” 

“Nothing, do I seem angry?” I asked her seriously. I didn’t mean to come off as rude. Just didn’t want to miss this flight. We had forty five minutes to get to the airport. 

“A little.” 

“I’m sorry, but we gotta go pack baby.” I bent down and pecked her eager lips. She smiled on my lips and kissed me a second time. 

“Ok, let's go.. I can wait until we’re home and cook.” 

“Now that’s what I like to hear..” I slapped her ass as she began to walk ahead of me. I laughed when she glared back at me. She hated that shit, especially in public. That’s what made it even funnier. 

xxxxx

Back at the house Zayn decided to throw down for me to pay back for everything I brought her today. She made oven broiled T-Bone steaks, lobster tails, lobster and crab mac and cheese, yams, garlic mashed potatoes with creamy lobster gravy, and collard greens with turkey in it. A nigga was full. Zayn could cook and she did it all in two hours tops. I couldn’t believe my eyes. She had the groceries specially delivered to the crib within an hour of us landing. 

“You want some more?” She asked picking up my plate. I watched as she sashayed over to the sink and washed the plate. One thing I noticed about her, she didn’t let dishes pile up. Whether it was at my place or hers, she stayed cleaning some shit. I adored it. I can’t believe Los let this woman go… “Wassup?” She giggled. By this time she was standing between my legs, caressing my face. Damn I was really out of it. 

“Nah, I’m full as hell. Damn girl.” I finally said. She laughed again and walked to the refrigerator pulling out a gatorade for me. I downed it and passed her the empty bottle. “I was just thinking, cus I know you gonna ask..I can’t believe Los let you go. You’re one hell of a woman.” 

“Really?” She asked, reapproaching me. 

“No doubt, he a dummy.” Zayn sighed, shaking her head. This made me realize we were always talking about my past relationship and never hers. This was a good time to see where her head was at. “You heard from him lately?” I asked her seriously. She honestly looked taken back by the question. Her lips formed into an “o” but then went into a straight line. 

“It’s like he never existed,” she answered. “You’ve been so good to me I almost forgot I was divorced.” 

“Well damn.” I chuckled. She laughed as well, rubbing my arms. 

“Jermaine?” 

“Wassup?” 

“Can we try something new tonight?” She asked me. I looked down at her surprised. 

“Oh yeah? Wassup??”  Zayn looked at me with her sultry eyes before slowly dropping to her knees. I moved my lips to stop her but before I could she had my pants unzipped and my slightly hard dick in her mouth. My knees went weak instantly. She made slurping noises as she went faster and a lil harder. I moaned and she moaned back. Damn she is nasty. “This what you got in  mind?” I gasped, grinding into her mouth. Why was I about to deny this? 

“Mmmhmm,” She moaned on my dick as she curled her tongue around my tip and slurped. 

“Damn,” My eyes rolled back. She kept going and before I knew it I felt my dick pulsating nut into her mouth. I looked down as she took in every ounce of my juice, swallowing hard. “This what a shopping trip get me?” I asked. She sighed, wiped her lips with the back of her hand and stood up. 

“No, this is what being a good man to a broken woman gets you. You changed me. I'ma always love you Jermaine even if you go back to her.” 

“Don’t take this the wrong way,” I started before looking down to zip my jeans. When I was done I looked back up to a teary eyed Zayn. I pulled her into me, kissing her lips. She smiled at the gesture considering what she had just done. “But don’t start.” I finished my sentence. “I ain’t thinking bout her. I’m thinking bout you. You got my mind gone right now Zayn. Accept it, like you said ... she doesn't exist to me most days either.” With that I walked away to start a bath. 

I loved my girl, mane. 

Camryn

It's been a year. I thought to myself as I finished deleting the last album I was holding on to. It held all of my favorite pictures of Jermaine. Some with me in them. Some with just him by himself being himself. Some off guards. Memories people would die to have with him. And I just had to let them go. 

I wiped the tear away from my eyes as I read the post a fourth time. 

@jcolenc: ‘I love you for loving me at my worst.  I never thought we'd be together, but I never want to think about not being together. I love you A’Zayn. Happy Anniversary booboo love child 😂’

Little did anyone know, she was now making memories I would die to have with him. We haven't reached a year. Everything blew up right in our faces and everything I feared came to life. I manifested this?? Crying harder I balled myself up and threw my phone. I heard it crash against the wall and drop to the floor with a thud. How did I let him go? Why did I let him go? 

He doesn’t know how much I miss him. Its like I can’t live without him. I needed him then, I need him now. HE saved my life, and now he's saving hers. And he's happy. What can I do? 

Moving on felt impossible, I only wanted Jermaine. I would compare anything someone else did to him so that would defeat the purpose. And him? He’s not even thinking about me. How do I cope? What am I supposed to do? I don’t have a mama to run to– 

“Camryn,” I heard a voice. I peeked up to see Tanny. I rolled my eyes and buried myself once again. “You can’t keep doing this Cam. You gotta move on. You gotta love yourself more than you love Jermaine.” I cried at her words. So much for not having a ‘mama’. “You got so much to live for. You could buy three Jermaine’s if you wanted to. Don’t let his happiness steal yours. You deserve that just as much.” I heard her footsteps coming towards my bed. Then I felt the bed sink down. She was now sitting on the end of the bed. How the hell did she get in? 

“Cam,” It sounded like she was whimpering, and whispering. It made my heart beat slower and harder in my chest. She was crying. “I’m so tired of watching you beat yourself up over him. Camryn I love you. Camryn I want you to know you deserve a love so good you  never think about him again. HE  is not worth your tears anymore.. But you’re worth mine. You’re my friend. I don’t know what you think about me but in such a short time I love you just as much as my homegirls. You are so important to me. I refuse to lose you over a nigga, I been down that road before.” I looked up at her to see her sulking. I sat up and hugged her tightly, crying again myself. This time because I didn’t think I was important to her at all. 

“I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I’ve burdened you.” I cried. She pulled back and shook her head. 

“You are not a burden…I’ve never told you this but two years ago, I miscarried my baby girl. I was eight months pregnant. It was so sudden and it shook me to the core but I never once broke down. I live through her. I was asking God to send her back to me and he gave me you. I love you like you’re my daughter. You inspire me to loosen my ‘hood’ side.” 

“Thank you Tanny. Before you got here, I was just thinking to myself how I don’t have a mom to run to and then you came in a second later.” 

“Ima always be here Cam.” 

“By the way, how you get a key?” 

“One of our drunk nights. Cam you’re a terrible drinker by the way.” Tanelle laughed and I sucked my teeth. Whatever, I am not a terrible drinker. I’m a new drinker, there’s a difference. I get drunk and get loose. They are just mad they have to carry me around sometimes. At least I don’t get drunk and cuss them out. 

“Thank you for coming to check on me…I don’t know where I’d be if you didn’t.” I admitted to her. She sighed and shook her head. 

“I do, thank God I listen to God though, it was something in my spirit I wasn’t even on this side today.” 

“Oh wow. I need to go to church with you one day.” 

“I would love that.” She said to me with a smile. I looked at her and hugged her. She was a blessing to have. 

Pesos 

“Man, you've been gone for a minute. I thought I was gonna have to come after you!” I yelled as Tanelle walked into her crib. A nigga was starving. Being on house arrest I couldn’t take my ass anywhere. Not even to get no ass. Shit was lame to me.  

“Boy hush, I had to go see Cam.” She said to me, causing me to get mad. I don’t even know the girl but Tanelle is always over there checking on her and doing her like she gets paid to do it or something. She was bad nonetheless, you could tell she was going through something. 

“What's her deal anyway?” I asked. 

“Nothing.” Tanelle plopped down handing me the Popeyes I requested. At least it was fresh. “She is off limits.” 

“Did I ask?” 

“You did.” 

“Why you always gatekeeping?” I asked seriously. Tanelle had a bad image of me to say I was her brother. She thought cus of the way I get money, I treated women like dogs. Only when I feel like they not shit for real. Other than that, I’m a gentleman. 

'“You don’t need to be messing with my friends. That’s why.” 

“But she bad…she caught my eyes.” 

“It's just because she from somewhere else. Milwaukee.” 

“No Wonder.” 

“Please, if you can’t resist, don't hurt her. She's going through a rough break up.” Tanelle sighed and admitted. I nodded rubbing my chin. I didn’t have any intentions of hurting lil ma. She was too bad to be hurting. I did wanna cash out on her one good time, see her in some fly shit. 

I picked up my phone already knowing what I was gonna say if she bit what I was giving. I went to her instagram page and clicked on ‘message’. I bypassed the warning message and typed my message. 

Wazzam witcha?

Nothing major. If she replied it was up from there. 

[heyimcelery]

Well I know what I'm losing sleep over tonight

very important fic

it's so glacier but IT'S SO AAAAGHHHH

THIS FIC HURTS

IT HUUUURTS

my soul is on fire in a 12 foot ditch right now

but it's so good though

(no spoilers past chapter 18 please)

[dhr-ao3]

Bad Blood [Cregan Stark]

Bad Blood [Cregan Stark] https://ift.tt/lgidJkS by SephyBlack27 Emma Lilia Potter has just survived an ice zombie apocalypse that transformed her people. The few wizards who survived opened a portal to an unknown world with some muggles. Did we mention Emma was born from that world? The bastard of the Crown Princess and a knight of the Royal Guard? The arrival of the Mistress of Death changes the Game of Thrones and Westeros completely. And above all, it marks the beginning of the song of Ice and Fire.   This is a translated work of Aly_moon's fanfiction Bad Blood [Cregan Stark]. I have permission to post and translate it from Aly_moon. I thank them for allowing me to do this. I own nothing from this fanfiction, I am simply a translator who want to bring stories from other languages to others. Words: 248, Chapters: 1/?, Language: English Fandoms: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, House of the Dragon (TV), Game of Thrones (TV) Rating: Not Rated Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Categories: F/M Characters: Harry Potter, Sirius Black, Daemon Targaryen, Rhaenyra Targaryen, Criston Cole, Cregan Stark, Jacaerys Velaryon, Lucerys Velaryon (Son of Rhaenyra), Joffrey Velaryon, Baela Targaryen, Rhaena Targaryen (Daughter of Daemon), Aegon III Targaryen, Viserys II Targaryen, Alicent Hightower, Draco Malfoy, Hermione Granger, Ron Weasley, Aliandra Martell Relationships: Harry Potter/Cregan Stark, Harry Potter & Daemon Targaryen, Criston Cole/Rhaenyra Targaryen, Daemon Targaryen/Rhaenyra Targaryen, Harwin Strong/Daemon Targaryen/Rhaenyra Targaryen/Laenor Velaryon, Neville Longbottom/Pansy Parkinson, Luna Lovegood/Aemond "One-Eye" Targaryen, Hermione Granger/Draco Malfoy, Harry Potter & Severus Snape, Sirius Black & Teddy Lupin, Sirius Black & Harry Potter, Padma Patil/Ron Weasley Additional Tags: Female Harry Potter, Rhaenyra Targaryen Bashing, pro green, Parental Criston Cole, Severus Snape Lives, Mentor Minerva McGonagall, Mentor Severus Snape, Sirius Black Lives, Pureblood Culture (Harry Potter), Alternate Universe - Always a Different Gender or Sex, Pro Criston Cole, Dornish Culture & Customs (A Song of Ice and Fire), The Greens | Aegon II Targaryen's Faction, The First Men (A Song of Ice and Fire), King's Landing (A Song of Ice and Fire), The North is Powerful (A Song of Ice and Fire), Winterfell (A Song of Ice and Fire), Beyond the Wall (A Song of Ice and Fire) via AO3 works tagged 'Hermione Granger/Draco Malfoy' https://ift.tt/Q6Zbiza July 28, 2024 at 05:30PM

[kakashisbigdickofficial]

Ahhh people of the Naruto fandom… you’ve just gained another Tumblr person.

This is the beginning of this (probably very very inactive) blog but I’ll see what I can do.

Let me introduce myself!

Name: Daniela ;3 (Call me Dani)

From: Germany (no german blogs here sorry :P)

Age: 16, turning 17 this year (2023)

Past fandoms: TMNT 2012 (I am not ashamed.), YT Germany, JJK, KNY, MHA (no, not this type of MHA fandom), AOT

Hobbies: Reading (mostly Fanfictions), listening to music A LOT, cell biology

Music taste: (Imma just name my fav artists since I can’t rlly find a way to sun them up in one genre)

Frank Ocean, Travis Scott, Kanye West (only his music😭), Kendrick Lamar, Tyler the creator, Main Attrakionz, The Weekend, Eazy E, J. Cole, Three 6 Mafia,… Basically a lot of HipHop, R&B, Trap n stuff ;D

Also!! My favorite Fanfic of all time is Bruises & Bitemarks. I’m sure it’s already hella popular among the SasuNaru fandom, but to those who love long and ACTUALLY GOOD WRITTEN Wattpad stories, go tf ahead.

Also, some of my FAV Naruto ships:

•SasuNaru (ofc❤️❤️)

•KakaIru

•NejiTen

•Minato x Kushina (don’t know their ship name *sigh*)

•Yahiko x Konan

•ShikaTema

I don’t exactly know what I want to do in this blog but I do know that I’ll mostly post about Naruto (Classic & Shippuden, NO BORUTO!!), and SasuNaru. See y’all👏🏻

[rrainestorrm]

Introduction Page/Get To Know Me

welcome to my personal hell, teehee! also idk if anyone actually does these anymore but I want to so... yeah...

name: rraine (or rrae-rrae if you’re chill)

age: 22! (but also alternately 12 and 122 some days... /j)

pronouns: they/he – I prefer masculine titles such as ‘king’, ‘prince’, ‘man’, ‘bro’, ‘brother’, ‘son’, ‘nephew’, but otherwise either one is fine :3

main fandom: ninjago – see note

note: I joined the fandom at age 9 in 2011 and started writing fanfic in 2014, but ultimately left the fandom until recently due to straying in the miraculous ladybug fandom! so I’m new to some of the more recent interactions and accounts and don’t get all of the inside jokes yet.

other fandoms: miraculous ladybug, dan and phil, undertale/deltarune

describe yourself in 5 words: neurospicy trans cryptid writer artist

[PLEASE don’t interact with me if you ship any paedophillic/large age gap ships*, zoophilia, homophobia, transphobia, etc.]

*I don’t consider celestial beings that are 100+ years old to be age gap unless they are child-coded... for example I ship Vinny from NGTV News with Garmadon, who’s canonically 1000 or so years old...? Their physical age gap is maaaaaaybe 10 years. But they’re both adults. Ye.

tags I use:

#rrainereblog – anytime I reblog something! #rrainingart – my art! sometimes (but not always) cross-posted on my Instagram @rrainingart #rrainewriting – my writing! often posted on my Ao3 under the same name: Rraine Writing #rrainetalks – anytime I have something to say... usually not much haha. #theechocouncil – Upcoming Ninjago AU fan-comic that I’m working on, will be linked here if you would like to read!

Recent Fanfictions:

Nice Night, and a Good Morning – Bruise (Jay x Cole), Oneshot

Favorite Fanfictions:

Nice Night, and a Good Morning – Bruise (Jay x Cole), Oneshot

Current Comics:

[TENTATIVE] The Echo Council - [1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [...]

[chaneajoyyy]

Do you know any JCole fics ? I just read this one called Locked on Wattpad and now I’m hooked! I can’t find anything that compares 😭😭😭

You know I have not seen any one here. But if anyone has let me know so I can post it

[aviationfiction]

XXXVI

Dante St. James

You are the light in my life. You are my direction. You are an essential part of my purpose. Love has never felt so blissful until you. You bring me joy. You give me joy. As this year comes to a close, I simply want to thank you for everything that you are as a man and as my life partner. I love you Dante Elliott St. James, through and through.

My eyes slowly panned over Autumn’s written words to me yet again, as they remained tacked onto the master bathroom’s mirror. The pristine cursive writing ran across a gold trimmed white card with a bottle of champagne on its right corner end; a signifier of the final day of the year.

The running water briefly captured my attention and I finally wet the toothpaste covered bristles. With every stroke of the brush over my teeth, I took in her message, basking in every line and the love expressed for me. I could picture her white nail polish coated toes digging into the leather of the guest bedroom’s chair as she giddily curled up in it, covered in the mauve grey fleece blanket that she adores so much. In her time frames of being one with herself, that’s her area to read, write, sketch, and most of all, breathe. Lately I’ve been feeling a separation anxiety when she goes off to be on her own and I find myself quietly inching into the room and laying across the bed simply to be within her presence. I make sure not to speak, since I’m already invading her space, but eventually whatever she’s working on is discarded and I become her focus.

Though we haven’t touched based on it as much as I would like, I know she’s been focused on finishing up the applications she has left for the schools she’s chosen to apply to in order to complete the remaining requirements for her bachelors and possibly even her masters degrees. While it’s no secret, it’s not something she’s been eager to discuss and most of all, my help is out of the question. She warned me that she’d never forgive me if I made any phone calls to either speed up the process or to pull favors. I was also denied the opportunity to write a stellar recommendation about the work ethic she’s put forth since becoming my corporate flight attendant. No matter how many times I assured her that my words would have been all in due respect and fairness to how much she impressed me professionally from the moment we met, I was shut down with a kiss and a no thank you. I have no choice other than to respect the manner in which she’s going about this. I’m assured in her choosing to speak to me about it or reveal her choice once she’s comfortable with doing so, but it doesn’t cease my curiosity.

After one final rinse, I turned off the faucet and exited the bathroom. I didn’t bother with making the bed, because Autumn put emphasis on the fact that we’re going into the new year with everything either cleaned or anew. There’s a bag with a couple of hundred dollars worth of brand new Donna Karen bedding sitting in the closet that she purchased at some point this month. I’m sure she’ll get it all onto the bed before we’re off to tonight’s festivities.

I put a K-Cup into the Keurig for you, just turn it on. It’s the Yogi honey and lavender tea. You need to decompress a bit, so have a cup of it. I made you apple steel-cut oatmeal so that you don’t have to eat cereal. It’s in the pot on the bottom shelf in the fridge. Just add a bit of almond milk and reheat it. I love you. Enjoy, suga.

Yet again, I stared at the newly found note and read it over a couple of times while imaging her voice saying it all. Sometimes I wonder how did I get so lucky. Actually it’s not even luck; Autumn’s a blessing beyond all other blessings I’ve ever received. She is by far the greatest one. Although it warms me to hear and read how much she loves me, even if she didn’t say it, I would know. Her actions speak so much louder than her beautiful words. Through them, I’ve learned so much about myself that I’ve never realized or understood quite before. She’s taught me the meaning of giving and accepting love in it’s purest form. She gifts me with it unconditionally and I do the same for her. She’s it for me. I’ll never love another woman in my lifetime as much as I love her.

“Tea, though?” I mumbled my thought out loud as I pressed the start button. I was looking forward to having some coffee. My next task was to get the oatmeal on. Thankfully, she pre-made it instead of leaving me to put the ingredients together. All I know how to do is open up a couple of instant packets, pour some water into a bowl, and pop it all into the microwave. Her stove top way of making it is obviously a million times better than my lazy and pathetic attempts.

“Shit.” Just as I finished placing servings into the glass bowl until it was filled to the brim, the doorbell interrupted my process and worsened the already loud growling of my stomach. I couldn’t resist the urge to lag for just a few seconds as I blew onto a spoonful of it until it was cool enough. As the bell run again, I stuck the spoon into my mouth and sighed in bliss at the flavoring.

“I’m coming.”

Whoever it was couldn’t hear me from the kitchen but I said it to convince myself to make the trek to the door. Along the walk, my eyes panned over all of the Christmas decorations my woman and I are going to have to remove after Three Kings Day. She went overboard. My Charlie Brown Christmas tree as Mike calls it, is a fairly simple clean up process. I just toss that shit into the closet and keep it moving. Autumn’s process? We’ll be taking all of this down for days. I’m convinced.

“Who is it?”

“Your mother.”

The sound of my Nike slippers clacking against the floor ceased as her light and airy voice sounded out beyond the door. Though I haven’t sipped the tea yet, not even me guzzling down the entire mug of it will diminish the building tension radiating through my frame. The muscles constricting within my back ached with every step that I took to draw me closer to the last person I wanted to see so early in the morning. The top of my forehead hit the coolness of the door in attempt to process what will become of whatever this random visit is or may be about. She’s never shown up here announced. The motherly title she processes by law due to our blood relationship boosts her undeserved confidence in thinking that she has the right to drop in on me at any given time. I had every intention to make this final day of what has been a mixture between a beautiful and stressful year as fulfilling as possible and yet a damper has already arisen like an unseen roadblock.

“Dante, please open the door.”

Why? I cannot possibly think of anything she may want from me today and what is there to say? I have no interest in hearing anything about neither my father or sibling.

Regret tormented me as I slowly turned the locks and pulled the door open so we’d be face to face. The brisk weather reddened her pale face and yet it meshed in quite well with the rosy blush covering her cheeks. The diamond tennis necklace I gifted to her three years ago for her birthday peaked out beyond the oversized midnight black chinchilla fur coat covering her frame. In her hand? An Hermes bag made of some type of reptile. She oozed white wealth simply by standing there and despite it all being given to her at the hands of a black man, most will believe she garnered it all through generational wealth from a long line within her family.

“Good morning son.”

“Hi.” As I stepped aside to grant her entry into the apartment, I thought I made it further back enough to be out of her reach and yet it still didn’t send a loud enough message to refrain her lips meshing into my cheek. As if she hadn’t seen me in quite some time, both of her hands slowly ran down my exposed arms while she admired the sight before her in an awe that I’ll never believe is genuine.

“You’re grown up to become such a handsome man. There are days when I either see your father or your grandfather within you, but for some reason, today I see bits of me.” Bullshit. We only share a complexion and if you get close enough, most will notice that I’m a shade or two darker. We look nothing alike.

“What brings you by?” Once I closed the door, I returned to the kitchen with her hot on my trail. I didn’t forget about the oatmeal waiting for me.

“My dreams.”

“Hm.” I stuffed another spoonful of it into my mouth. Maybe if I sit here purposefully eating like a slob, she’ll catch the hint and make the trip back to Scarsdale.

“Lately, I’ve been dreaming about you son. I couldn’t sleep last night because you were the only thing on my mind. Something told me to get up to come and see about you, so here I am. Are you okay?”

“I’m just fine. Maybe you should sit down with a shrink and figure out why that’s happening to you.” That may be the worse if not the worst excuse she’s ever given me when I question why she comes here. Surprisingly, she’s empty handed. There is no cheesecake or random leftovers that she filled into plastic storage bowls to bring over to me.

“I don’t think I need a shrink. I need my son.”

“Matthew doesn’t live that far from you. Go and see about him.”

“Dante.” Her clamorous sigh was followed with the rolling of her honey jade eyes and her lower half pressed against the counter top as she did her best to soothe the blow.

“What are you expecting from me? You want me jump for joy, open up my arms, and happily welcome you into them? You want to move on as if the past doesn’t exist? For whatever reason, you live in a world where you believe that people are supposed to appease your desires no matter what kind of cards you’ve dealt their way. It might work with everyone else, but it’s not going be that way with me.” I’ve yet to get an apology. Her pride stands in the way of that. Opportunity by the way of Richard’s finances was never satisfying enough for me back then and it damn sure isn’t now.

“What is it that you want from me, Dante? Why do I need to do to get through to you? I love you more than anything and everyday I wake up with an unbearable pain because I have a son in the world, who I birthed, that has a strong disdain for me. You treat me as if I’m not welcome into your home. You don’t come and visit me. Since you’ve gotten into a relationship, you’ve stopped coming to Sunday dinner.”

“Don’t you dare put her into this. She has nothing to do with it.”

“I’m not putting Autumn into anything.”

“Don’t even allude to her.” And just like that, my appetite vanished. The faint ringing radiating around the rim of the bowl, as I dropped the spoon against it, was far more delightful to my ears than all she was saying to me.

“I just want to know what you want.”

“Nothing.”

“Dante, please.”

“What is there to want? I’m beyond it. The yearning isn’t mutual. I’ve gotten so used to not having a relationship with you that I don’t feel the effects of whatever it is that it’s supposed to mean. I’m sure somewhere within me there’s some damage from your actions that I haven’t fully confronted yet, but I’m well enough to carry on with my life in the best manner that I can and I’ve been appreciated for it by those who matter. I’m fine. If anything, you need to get right with yourself. Worrying about me isn’t what’s keeping you up at night. It’s your guilt.”

At this point, I figured she would have been past it. I used to believe people living certain lifestyles typically didn’t wallow in the sorrows of their wrongdoings. Richard doesn’t have the time to be absorbed with guilt because he’s far too busy trying to keep his name in good standing. As for his wife, maybe it’s the lack of an occupation that causes her mind to idly think of me and what went wrong with our relationship.

I know more than most, that money isn’t everything. It may sound cliché when it’s said out loud, especially when you think about the less fortunate, but having endless money in your bank accounts or in equity doesn’t keep your emotions in check. If your shit isn’t together, it serves as nothing more than a painkiller that the conscious will eventually become immune to. By then, you’ll be desperately seeking out other toxic measures to numb your thoughts; hard narcotics, women, or crime ridden highs that will either land you behind bars or dead somewhere by the way of your own doing or somebody else.

“I am your mother. Do you realize that you’ll only have one of me in this world? I don’t want to go to my grave with the pain of never having mended my relationship with my son. You have this horrible mentality when it comes to me and I’m sick of it, Dante. You’re behaving like a stubborn toddler instead of the upstanding, grown man, that I know you to be. How do you walk around hating your own mother?”

“I don’t hate you.” I’ve never hated her. Hate takes far too much effort. It festers.

“Then what is it? You barely want me to touch you. You fell in love and I wasn’t able to talk to you about it. I don’t even know what you love about her. You made the decision that you want to marry this woman and I’ve only had two five minute conversations with her. You proposed and we weren’t invited. I’ve always dreamt of the day that you would come to me and ask for advice about an engagement while gushing nonstop about the woman who you love and both your father and I were shut out.”

“Do you hear how you sound? Your entitlement would be insulting if I cared. I don’t owe you that. I don’t have to explain to you why I love her or why I want to marry her. I don’t have to explain it to your husband either. If I’m not in your faces, I don’t understand why you’d ever assume that I’d have Autumn around you. Think before you say things. Make sense of it yourself. You’re standing here complaining about your lack of a relationship with me and yet you figured that you’d have one with my fiancee?” She wasn’t too fond if my chuckling but I couldn’t refrain from doing so even if I tried. She didn’t think that part through.

“I’m not standing here as an entitled person. I’m standing here as a mother. I know I’m not entitled to you sharing your love life with me, but I would have liked to have supported you.”

“You want to know what I love about her?”

“Now you want to share that with me? Go ahead. What is it?”

“She’s the embodiment of everything that a woman is supposed to be; intelligent, tenacious, and independent. She’s a go getter while also being nurturing and completely in tune with what it means to be a partner to the man she loves. I love that I already know that when she births our children, she will be everything you aren’t.”

Silence filled the space between us. What was once a pleading stare turned into an insulted glare as she attempted to figure out what to say in response to what may have been harsh, but a truth nonetheless. Though she comes from two solid parents who have raised all of their children together and under a foundation that they created before they started having them, Autumn’s character is a clear sign of who she will be as a mother. Whether we have one or an entire sports team worth of offspring running around our home, I know that each and every single one of them will be smothered with her love and devotion to the well being of their livelihood.

Our staring match ceased as our eyes panned in the direction of the door. What started off as keys jingling turned into the topic of our last few minutes of conversation appearing from behind the door. From head to toe, she was covered in cool toned grey Nike lounge gear; fitted sweatpants, a matching sweatshirt, and one of her all time favorite pair of sneakers; the OG neon Air Max 95s that I bought her for Christmas. The bun she had in her hair when we went to sleep is gone and her hair is now in curls that are pinned up with silver clips. Despite such a lax appearance, she’s just as stunning as she’d be if she were standing there dripping in designer garb for an outing. Every moment my eyes land on her is yet another moment when she takes my breath away.

“Good morning.” I know her awkward smile when I see it. Without having to say anything, she already knows she’s stepped in on what is certainly a tense moment. It may be the look on my mother’s face that says it all more so than mine.

“Good morning sweetheart. It’s so good to see you.” I’ll bite my tongue. I’m far more fearful of my love’s scolding than of the woman who birthed me.

“You as well Mrs. St. James. How have you been?” With her coat halfway hanging off of her frame, she embraced the domineering matriarch with a tight grip and genuinely smiled. Her kindness is something that I know that I’ll have to protect her from for all of my days. She can be a bit too nice.

“I’ve been well. How was your holiday?”

“It was amazing. We had such a good time. How was yours?”


“It was okay.” As if I were the reasoning for her Christmas being below average, both of their eyes panned in my direction. I know I’ve promised Autumn that I would try, but it’s difficult. I want to step up to the challenge for her, but that’s the biggest problem. She doesn’t want it to be for her, it has to be for me, which then causes me to put it at the bottom of the pile of problems that I have to handle.

“Have you two started planning an engagement party yet? Any wedding details?”

“No, not just yet. Stacey is starting to look into some things for an engagement party because she can’t help herself, but as far for the wedding, I have some ideas but nothing is set in stone. We’re taking our time with it.” I already know our biggest argument is going to be the guest list. She can tell me that she wants elephants standing out front and a firework display from the Hudson River and I’d simply shrug and tell her that she can have it all, but Elizabeth, Richard, and Matthew being within our presence on that day is currently at the lowest probability of happening. I’d rather not stand at the alter and have their deceitful glares draining the energy out of me.

“Weddings are certainly a process. I wished I had of taken longer to plan mine. Maybe it would have been less stressful.” Matthew’s mother’s body hadn’t even begun to decompose and she was already in and out of bridal boutiques trying on embroidered white gowns to falsify her innocence. I’ll never be able to comprehend how she was able to live with herself after the stress both she and her husband caused that woman. Despite our endless differences, that is the one area in which my older brother will always have my commiseration.

“That’s so true. Baby, did you find your breakfast?”

“Yeah. I’m actually still eating it.”

“Did you want anything else?”

“No. I’m okay with that. It tastes amazing, honestly.”

“Thank you. I’m going to go and start on dinner. I’m making smothered chicken, black eyed peas, collard greens, and corn bread. As I told you, the black eyed peas and collard greens are a New Year’s Eve tradition in the black community.” My chuckle was identical to the one that instantly slipped out when she first informed me of that so called tradition. I’ve never heard of it. Though I’m biracial, as they call it, I’m as black as it gets. I can’t suddenly pull out my half white card when a cop decides to be an asshole. Maybe I’ve never heard of it because we never really ate traditional black dishes in the house was I was coming up. Richard often described them as signs of the struggle, but I think it was his way of masking the fact that his wife couldn’t prepare them even if she had someone’s southern grandmother standing alongside her and giving out precise directions.

“Ah, so you’re the one who has been keeping him well fed and healthy. He no longer needs his mother’s cooking.” See? She sets herself up. She walks right into it. I’ll suppress my response for the sake of keeping Autumn from shooting daggers at me.

“I try my best. Is there anything that I can get for you before I’m off to the kitchen Mrs. St. James? Maybe something to drink or some sort of a snack?”

“No, sweetheart. I’m fine. I’m just going to continue with speaking to Dante. It’s so great to see you, though. I hope we’re able to get together soon.” Keep hoping, lady.

“I hope so. It’s been great to see you too. I love your necklace, by the way. It’s stunning.”

“It was a gift from my beautiful son. Three years ago, I believe.”

“Nice job baby.” Her playful wink earned a smirk from me.

“Have a Happy New Year Autumn.”

“Thank you. You as well, Mrs. St. James.”

Like a lost puppy, I yearned to follow behind her so that I wouldn’t have to face my mother anymore, but my feet remained planted where they were in anticipation for any other complaint that she may have for or about me.

“Have you spoken to your brother?”

“No.” And I’m thankful for it. Matthew calling my phone never comes with great news. It’s either one of two things: he’s gotten himself into some shit that he needs me to bail him out of or he’s blown off work and needs me to step in and bail him out of that as well. We don’t have brotherly conversations. We’ve never sat at a Giants or Knicks game together. We don’t hit the gym and playfully challenge one another to push and pull ups. We don’t meet for beers at a favorited local bar. We just don’t do family oriented shit no matter how much our parents suggest that we should. He’s too deep under Richard’s wing to be able to comprehend me and the resentment he berates me with rather than my mother has reached a point of me no longer being able to bite my tongue. So, keeping my distance is what’s best.

“Camille called and said that she hasn’t seen him in a couple of days. Your father hasn’t sent him anywhere to conduct any business, so now I’m slightly worried.”

“For what? This isn’t new behavior for him. He’s probably laying up with someone that he has no business laying up with. He does that. While he may be in it, but he’s never had much respect for the institution of marriage.”

“Dante.”

“There’s no need for me to sugar coat anything when it comes to him. You’ve coddled him enough. I don’t know where he is though. I’m not looking for him either, so don’t ask me to. He’ll pop up when he feels like it. If he doesn’t, trace his expense report. He uses the company credit card as if it’s his personal one.”

“I really wish you two would get it together.”

“You need anything else? I have a busy day ahead of me and I need to make a couple of moves.” I’m sure her quest to find Matthew is the real reason why she popped up over here in the first place, but it is what it is.

“No. I don’t. What are you plans for tonight?”


“I plan to be with my loved ones.” The scoff that spilled from her lips was loud. She shook her head from side to side while clutching the handle of her bag even tighter than she was before.

“One day you’ll get it son. I just hope I’m not in a coffin before you do.”

“Okay.”

“I’ll go. I’ll give your father your love. Be safe tonight and have a Happy New Year.”

“Same to you.”

I didn’t see her out. The sound of the door closing behind her slowly eased the tension tormenting my neck all way down into the depths of my lower back. The scent coming from the kitchen further aided in that. To abide by  Autumn’s solo kitchen rules, I finished off my oatmeal in the living room and began to ready myself for a quick inventory and set up check in at the club. It’s the final party of the year and we need it to be executed to as much perfection as possible.

“I think after we section off that back corner towards the right, he and his entire encourage should be accommodated.”

We pulled off what I thought would be the impossible. Competing against Las Vegas for celebrity attendance or performances in a nightclub tends to be somewhat of a nightmare. The pay out and turn out is typically bigger in that area and ultimately, the weather and the look plays it’s part just as much. Who wouldn’t want to be or say they were in Las Vegas bringing in the New Year? An idea to bring Drake here happened a couple of months back after a quick run in with his manager and closest adviser Future the Prince. I’ve known him for a few years now after a few conversations out in L.A. from time to time and I tried my luck. Omnia and Marquee had already reached out to him, so I didn’t think I stood a chance until I received a callback two days later with an eager confirmation that he’d do the hosting and performance. Fred’s usually our booking guy, but I have to give myself a pat on the back for that one.

“Yeah, that should be fine. I think we’re all set. That shipment of Patron came in around seven this morning. That was the last thing on the checklist. Cameras are all set. Tripled the security. The restaurant is closed for the day so we don’t have to focus on any of that. We’re set. Anything else that may come up will be miniscule.” I finished off the glass of cranberry juice resting in front of me and placed the frosted glass back down on the golden bar top. Mike’s quick glance over the paperwork in front of him ended with a nod of his head.

“Yeah, we’re good.”

“You spoke to Fred?”

“Yeah, all is set in L.A. His flight should be landing within the next two hours or so. I didn’t think he was going to make it back out here in time, but he pulled it off.” Snoop is our Los Angeles location’s host. It’s the perfect amount of nostalgia and he’ll be highly appreciated and enjoyed as a native. He flew out there just after Christmas to handle the logistics for all to take place. Initially, we thought he and Erica were going to stay out there, but he’s coming back to celebrate with all of us.

“What you wearing tonight?”

“I’m getting icy with some fly shit from Saint Laurent. You?”

“Tom Ford.”

“Boring nigga.”

“Nah, it’s not a traditional tux. Autumn switched out the black jacket for this silver one that she fell in love with and claimed to be the perfect match to her dress.” Everything about is out of my element but once I tried it on, I could understand her vision and I just went with the flow. It was one of those “happy wife, happy life” moments that will eventually be one of many as the years go by.

“Ah, so wifey is stepping your game up tonight. What is she wearing?”

“All I know is it’s vintage. It’s Gaultier or something like that.”

“Exclusive vintage shit? Man, I can’t wait to see the price tag on y’all wedding.”

“August nineteenth.”

“That’s your wedding day?” His eyes widened at the revelation.

“Yeah. You’re the first and only person I’ve told.”

“Wow man. I’m happy for yall. That just means I have to get started on planning that bachelor weekend somewhere in the world. Lately I’ve been thinking maybe Abu Dhabi, but I feel like we’d get arrested out there for some shit. Amsterdam might be the move.”

“My mother came by looking for Matthew today.” I didn’t mean to switch the subject, but it���s where my thoughts transitioned to.

“Looking for him as in what? Like she just figured he was with you or looking for him as in he’s been missing in action for a couple of days?”

“The latter.”

“You think he’s laying up? He’s notorious for that shit.”

“I don’t know. Usually when he’s doing that, he still answers Camille with lies about his whereabouts. This time around, she hasn’t spoken to him because if she did, my mother would have never asked me about him.”

“I’ll call some people and you do the same.”

“Yeah.” If it hadn’t been late afternoon, I would have taken a shot of tequila, but I’m driving.

Any other day, if you ask me, I’d quickly inform you if it isn’t Mike or Fredrick, then I am not my brother’s keeper. He certainly isn’t mine either. Though Matthew is the oldest in terms of years, I’ve always been forced to mentally be the oldest between the two of us. It was the only way we were able to function without killing one another while I was in the house. I had to understand his plight and the reasonings for his erratic behavior. Even though on the surface I don’t want to be concerned about anything involving him, deep down, I know that’s still my brother and somewhere within me, I may be the only one who somewhat cares about him for all of the right reasons. Does he deserve it? No. Do I still owe him plenty more ass whoopings for disrespecting my woman? Absolutely. Ultimately, I have a heart and it’s not pitch-black and cold.

“As a matter of fact, don’t make any calls. I got it.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah. Don’t make any calls. Keep that paper trail as clean as possible.”

“The feds.”

“Yeah.”

“Still just Richard or both of them?”

“Both of them.”

“Mike, I don’t want A&M. I don’t want that shit.”

“I know. I hear you.” In one swig, he finished off the remainder of his beer. We stood to our feet seconds later.

“I’ll see you back here tonight. I’ll text you when we’re on our way.”

“Sounds good. Oh, and the west coast shit is handled. It all checks out. Paper work is where it’s supposed to be.”

“Thank you.  I owe you everything man.”

“You don’t owe me shit. Just keep it pushing. We gon’ figure this shit out one way or another.”

“Bet.”

I left out of the club before he did. His compulsion to double check the street views for the external cameras caused him to shuffle back into the office.

Despite his urge for me not to do so, I made one phone call; Camille. I care about her in the same manner that I would my own flesh and blood. I’ll never forget when he brought her home to meet us. It was like a lion bringing home its prey. I instantly pitied her because I knew she was already in love with him and wasn’t aware of what she fell in love with. We’ve had a number conversations of the years and through her agony and tears, she continued to keep hope alive that she could be the help that Matthew needs in order to stabilize his life. Aside from her yearning to bare his children, she’s become less of his wife and more of a roommate who he has an unfair dependency on.

She never really leaves him. There have been a number of occurrences when she’ll head to Savannah, Georgia to be with her parents once she begins to feel overwhelmed and I believe she also uses her brother’s vacation home in Cape Cod, Massachusetts as a haven for a peace of mind. Once, she escaped to my apartment. In an effort to keep the drama from escalating, I allowed her to stay and I drove over to Mike’s house and spent the weekend there. The last thing I needed was Matthew accusing me of screwing around with his wife. Me aside, I don’t even want to imagine the mental torture that he’d put her through.

I expected tears; she tends to sob over him whenever they’re going through something that may be unbearable to her, but this time around, she was eerily quiet. Her tone was a signifier of the tears, but the sighs were filled with defeat. Exhaustion spoke for her. The last time she seen him was five days ago. He came home and maneuvered around the house without a word spoken to her. He didn’t touch the dinner she made nor did he respond to the commentary about his late night appearance. He reeked of alcohol, which isn’t new if he’s having one of his wild partying weeks or weekends, but he didn’t take a shower to wash off whatever activities he’d been doing prior to arriving home. He simply changed his clothes and left. The majority of her phone calls and text messages have gone unanswered.

She didn’t ask me to seek him out directly, but I know the undertone of her worry held the plea. It’s odd because she has no peace with him and yet she doesn’t have any without him either. They’re synced in the most toxic and unjust manner and despite my belief in how much she deserves more, I cannot tell her how to love and look after her husband. As our phone call came to an end, all I could do is reassure her of my support and some sort of an effort to figure out his whereabouts.

I just can’t focus on that tonight. Tomorrow’s another day.

At the very ending of each year, I always make sure to take the time to reflect on what I’ve done and who I’ve become as a man over the course of the twelve month period. I’ve had verdicts of needing to have done more or a lack of growth personally, but I can stand tonight in pride at what this year has been for me both personally and professionally. I wouldn’t call it an awakening, because I’ve always known that I needed to take a journey of self preservation for the sake of my own joy, but it was all a matter of when. Love served as that push. In meeting and loving Autumn, she helped me realize how much I needed to love myself so much more. The awareness in how much I matter heightened and the willingness to truly walk in my purpose set a precedence. I no longer yearn for the shadows for the sake of masking myself from those the one who birthed me and my purpose to my father’s power and influence. My ambitions increased; influencing myself and my best friends to expand on our dreams. I’ve stood inside of my Malibu home with the woman who intends to start a life with me there. I’ve laughed more than I’ve scowled. I’ve smiled more than I ever have before.

I almost wish that I could hit the reset button and relive some of it again, with my knowledge of what happens next. It would be amazing to catch a tear stained Autumn in my arms again and reassure her that I’m going to make sure she never sheds a tear over another man. Vegas. Yeah, I wouldn’t mind experiencing all of that again. That first kiss still leaves chills trickling through my skin whenever I reflect back on it. She’s given me ones far better since then, but it’s something about that moment that marked the transition of what we would be to one another and it served as the permission for me to love her without boundary.

I’m looking forward to what’s next, though. I’m ready to shed what is left of the dead weight and soar with the people who matter. I’m ready to take flight.

“There. You look perfect now, suga.” Autumn’s hands drew away from my black velvet bow tie and fell along her sides. Breathtaking isn’t a great enough word to define how stunning she looks. Old Hollywood glam was her inspiration for tonight and she superseded it beyond compare. She claimed that New Year’s Eve calls for sequins and her vintage Jean Paul Gaultier frame hugging gown is exactly that with its silvery coloring that reflects and fades into gold as you pan your eyes down to its bottom. All of the curls in her hair are pulled to her left side, showcasing her face in all of its glory. Diamonds dazzled from her ears, arm, and of course her ring finger.

I am assured in the reality that I have never seen a woman more stunning than she is in all of the years I’ve been living. Her beauty is unparalleled; a timelessness that should be painted and preserved for the world to see when we’re no longer around.

“Thank you. You look amazing. Wow.”

“You think so? This is better than the black dress?” Her spin was only reassurance that it is better.

“Absolutely.”

“Thank you.”

“I almost want to stay home now.”

“Oh, please. We’re going. After I finished up dinner and then took my time putting all of this together? Yeah, we’re hanging out tonight. Now, when we get home, you can peel this off and do as you please with me…in any manner you want.”

“Is that a promise?”

“It’s a promise.”

“We’ll let's go so that we can hurry up and come back home as soon as that ball drops.”

“I’m ready. Just let me grab my coat and clutch.”

The full length white Gorski mink coat was the perfect accessory of completion. Issac gifted the nearly twenty thousand dollar piece to her for Christmas. I knew she’d wear it tonight. I don’t think there’s any other holiday where a mink coat looks best other than tonight. Opulence is certainly oozing from her aura.

“You gave Marv the night off?” I faintly sighed in bliss at the feeling of the heat after having dashed out of the building and into the crisp air. Remnants of yesterday’s light snow have already frozen over on the ground.

“Yeah, he should be home with his family tonight. I always give him holidays off, no matter where I am or what I’m doing.”

“Sweet man.”

“Marv or me?”

“The both of you.”

“Did you speak to your family?”

“Yeah, I spoke with everyone while you were gone. I’ll head to see them sometime tomorrow to give them hugs and kisses. They sent you their love, by the way.”

“If Lauren weren’t pregnant, I would have told she and your brother to join us.” Autumn’s scoff was expected.

“They wouldn’t have come. She doesn’t go to nightclubs.”

“When are you going to lighten up on her?”

“I have lightened up on her. I barely say anything to her these days. We’re always in good spirits whenever we’re around one another.”

“Yeah, because you’re usually silent. I really do think she wants some kind of a friendship with you, but she doesn’t know about to go about it because you avoid her.”

“I do not.”

“Yeah, you do.”

“We just don’t relate. It happens, love.” Her emerald eyes rolled in retaliation.

“You should just try; in the same manner that you want me to try with my mother.”

“Don’t be silly. Lauren is not my mother. She didn’t birth me. Mrs. St. James, carried and birthed you. The dynamics are in no way, shape, or form, the same.”

“You should still try.”

“Try what? Tea parties and crumpets with her?”

“Why does it have to be that? You like Italian food. Why not have lunch at L’ Artusi or Carbone? What about a spa day or something?”

“We’ll see. She prefers to hang out with my mother, though.”

“Well, make it a day for all three of you.”

“I don’t know about all of that.”

I don’t know how we quickly went from "we’ll see” to the response she just gave me, but I’m not going to press it any further tonight. I’ve noticed that an unspoken tension has risen from Autumn’s end ever since Lauren’s pregnancy announcement and she’s not necessarily masking it, like she would if it were anyone else. I can sense the sarcasm in her tone during her responses to commentary and most of all, the manner in which she purposefully busies herself so that they don’t have to be in the same room together for longer than what she deems to be necessary. I’m not pushing for them to be the best of friends, but in being around for the holidays, I had moments where I internally cringed at the dismissiveness and I’m sure I wasn’t alone. Autumn’s better than that. Whatever ill feelings she’s harboring should be spoken on and resolved.

“You know how tonight goes right?”

“Work and play. I know. I never get upset about that.”

“Okay.”

The holiday traffic turned a fifteen minute right into a thirty minute one. The paparazzi out front were unavoidable. Tonight’s celebrity presence was to be expected and so did the press that would come with it. The blinding flashes that flickered over our frames as soon as we exited the SUV were their fault, but the narratives spoken about us tomorrow should be blamed on Richard. Despite the slight bit of interest we garnered through blind items and bored people online attempting to put the pieces together since the Page Six story, no one dug deep enough to invade our privacy until the night of the gala. He ruined that.

Packed to capacity, the ambiance felt like that of an end of the year celebration. As if we set a theme, bodies were covered in shades of gold, white, and black with an occasional spotting of red amongst the women. With Autumn rushing off to greet Stacey and Erica, I was able to scan my eyes over every perimeter while running down my mental checklist for the specifics Mike and I discussed earlier. We’re less than an hour and a half away from drunkenly being covered in confetti and emotionally reveling in the love we have for one another as the year comes to a close. That needs to be as peaceful as possible.

“Here brother, have a drink. Happy New Year’s Eve.” Fredrick’s arm draped over my neck as he passed me a glass filled with Hennessy straight. In an oblige to his request, I gulped down half of it.

“Happy New Year’s Eve brother. Glad you could make it back.”

“You know his suave ass had to get back to New York, even though I think he’s starting to become an L.A. nigga now.”  

I didn’t even notice Mike approaching the other side of me. There’s something about this moment that caused a smile to creep up on my face. Maybe it’s the designer attire we’re covered in and the clear manhood exuding from it. Oh, and add in the fact that we’re standing in something we created together. We talked about this when we were still trying to work towards a solid direction for our individual lives and now look at us.

“Had too. We’ve done far too much this year for me to bring it in anywhere else other than with my brothers.”

“It’s been a great year.” I put some emphasis on great. Our eyes weren’t on the crowd, but instead glancing over at the most important women who are along side us tonight; Autumn, Erica, and Stacey. I didn’t expect Stacey to be here at all, but then again, knowing her, it makes sense. Surprisingly, her husband is just a few inches away from her. Maybe he's gotten comfortable with our connection now that he knows there's a woman in my life.

“It’s been a phenomenal year. I’m proud of you man.” Mike added with a pat to my back.

“I’m proud of us.”

“It only gets better next year.” Fred’s optimism came with the raising of his glass.

“God willing, brothers. Let's keep it pushing.” Our glasses touched for a toast and in unison, we threw back the remaining contents in our glasses.

Autumn maneuvered between the bar and the dance floor, owning the building with her intoxicating aura. The silver of her gown illuminated under the lighting as a permanent smile remained on her face. She wasn’t dancing with anyone in particular which made it all the more interesting for her audience. She was perfectly lost into her own world as she often is and no one invaded for the sake of her joy and my patience. I served as her personality security, panning my eyes back and forth from her presence to that of everyone filled into the room. Eyes met me just as much; some genuine in expression and others eerie. Maybe it’s my state of mind warping me to view it that way, but it’s been what I’ve been feeling for weeks. It’s what’s been keeping me up at night; the feeling of being watched.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, Stace, I'm good.”

“Well, get out there and dance with your wifey. Go make these guys in here mad as hell.”

“You’re crazy.” Her tipsiness raised the pitch of her tone even higher than it usually is. Everything that comes out of her mouth is hilarious right about now, whether she intends for it to be or not.

“Go ahead. We’re damn near the countdown.”

She turned to the bar to grab two glasses of champagne from her own personal tray and placed one in each of my hands. With a soft nudge, she pushed me into the direction of Autumn and my feet picked up the pace. Beanie Man had her hips going crazy.

“For you, my lady.” My whisper into her ear halted her dancing and she slowly turned to face me. God, how can anyone be so stunning?

“Oh, now you’ve decided to join me? I thought I was going to have to pull Drake down here for a dub.”

“I see you want me in the New York Daily News tomorrow because of a brawl huh?”

“I don’t. Y’all are too light skinned for all of that.” Her joke came with my side eye. She’s becoming another Mike with that.

“You’re not drunk enough.” As I passed her the glass of champagne, she shrugged with a small smile.

“I am drunk; off of life and you. I don’t need this to do it for me, but then again, the night is still young. I’ve had enough tequila for a buzz. These heels are too high for me to be stumbling, and besides, I want to be nice and alert for that orgasm that you’re going to give me later. Actually, two.” My eyes nearly bulged out of my face.

“Yeah, you’re buzzed. Make it three though.”

Her incomparable frame meshed into mine. Our lips met for a kiss.

“Three? Oh, you’ve just excited me Mr. St. James.”

“Save the excitement for when you’re sitting on my face.” Her palm squeezed the back of my neck as I whispered in her ear. Just the thought of that has me on the edge. I’m fucking with myself just as much as I’m fucking with her.

It suddenly felt like a basement party in Brooklyn as the dance floor became even more flooded than it already was. Our two person huddle was invaded by our group of friends who came to be in the midst of the excitement as the time winded down.

Drake lead the countdown, further enticing the crowd’s excitement. My arms remained wrapped around the one who became mine this year and would now be mine for all of the years to come. I glanced over at those who I’ve known for more than a decade in appreciation for us bringing in yet another year together with good health and solidarity among one another.

Tears burned the brims of my eyes as Guy Lombardo’s rendition “Auld Lang Syne” filled my ears.

“Happy New Year, my love. I love you.” Autumn’s crimson red coated lips pressed into mine, physically expressing what she’d just told me. Our tight embrace felt more secure than ever.

Confetti spilled from the ceiling, further cementing the moment.

“I love you more.” And that I do.

“I love y’all asses man. Real shit.” Mike never fails to get emotional on this day. It’s no different now. It’s a mixture of the alcohol and his personality. The group hug that used to be us three and then eventually us and Stacey, now included Autumn and Erica.

“We need shots of Don Julio. Shots, people.”

I thought I wasn’t going to drink too much tonight, but that all went out of the window as soon as the very beginning of the year hit. The first round of shots turned into another and then another. We had our days of getting shit faced in college but I usually did my best to be the more sensible one of us three. I refused to let anyone catch me slipping and I had their backs just as much. I never minded being the designated driver, but I don’t have to worry about that tonight. I soaked in the moment, sharing in laughter and dance moves that will probably look horrible if I look back on it from the surveillance cameras tomorrow. We’d all lost our sense of cool. The heels and jackets came off, hair reached the point of being sweated out, and beads of sweat trickled into the cervices of our skin, despite the cool air blowing from the vents. I can’t wait to see all of the pictures.

“I’m going to get more Don. Be back.”

Another round won’t hurt.

I’m damn near ready to take this whole entire suit off. Even with our five a.m. closing time creeping up on us, it feels like the night is still young.

“Yo, Marco. Seven shots.”

“Got you boss man.”

“Boss man. How does it feel to be called that?”

I know that voice well; the other half of the heart of A&M. Rick is our co-founder no matter how much Richard will boldly stand tall and negate that. They were business partners before I was even a possibility and they hit the ground running together to build the empire that one man suddenly believes he built up on his own. I’ve always respected him as a man and even like an extended family member. We shared enough conversations filled with advice to last me a lifetime. It still feels like a sin that he’s gone.

“Rick? What you doing on this side of town old man?” Our embrace was tight. I hadn’t seen him in a while.

“The wife and I always celebrate at this little spot around the corner from here. It’s own by my brother.”

“Oh yeah. Franco’s.” He, Johnathan, and myself have been there for beers a few times.

“That’s right.”

“So how have you been man? What brings you by?” When people reach that age, I doubt they’re eager or even daring enough to enter an atmosphere with blaring music and people who are two and sometimes three times young than they are. He’s only stepped in here once before and we weren’t open for business that day, so he didn’t have to deal with any of this.

“I’m coming to you, because I’ve always viewed you as a nephew of mine. I knew tonight I could get to you in a place that no one would possibly think I’d be. You have to get out of there. The time is now, Dante. There’s a lot of shit that’s going to go right and a lot of shit that’s going to go wrong. Protect yourself. Richard is for Richard. I have a lot of wrongs that I have to right at some point and so does that man. I once loved him like a brother, but he’s a shell of himself. Walk away.”

“A place no one would possibly think you’d be? You’re hiding from something?”

“Everyone should be. It’s getting dangerous.”

“Rick, what the fuck are you talking about?”

“Look, your guy Mike reached out to me for some documentation and he has it. It’s the best that I can do for you. Get out of there. Alright? Promise me, man.”

“Can we meet up and discuss this another time?” Now is not the time and I need more background than some documentation that I may not even understand without additional context.

“I’ll reach out. Just promise me.”

“I was already going too, anyway.”

“Good. Do it immediately.”

“I am. After All Star Weekend, I’m making my formal announcement.”

“We’ll talk. Look out for yourself first and keep your nose out of anything else. Let them crumble.”

“Crumble?”

“Crumble. Have a Happy New Year.” His large pale white hand met my shoulder and he gave me an assuring nod of his head.

“You too, Rick.”

“Be safe.”

“You too.”

“It doesn’t matter whether I do or I don’t.”

As he trekked toward the exit, I took a look over at the tray filled with shots awaiting me. A quick urge to down all of them turned into my stomach churning in a warning for me to not have anything else. A wave of warmth washed over me as my breathing shallowed. My heart viciously hammered against the cavity of my chest, worsening in unison with the tightness in my throat. Both of my elbows pressed into the bar top, as my head fell into my hands. The thoughts of his words accelerated inside of my head, revving up the hurricane happening within my thoughts. Sounds that were once near, suddenly felt far away.

Yet alone, I try and make sense of it all.

The silence inside of the SUV was worthless as a soother to my racing thoughts. Autumn’s aching feet were laying across my lap, while my fingers kneaded into the balls of her heels to give her relief. Her jovial banter about the night’s festivities went into one ear and right out of the other. I could barely hear her though her tone was as normal as it usually is. The tri-state area had finally gone to sleep and yet the air still felt as celebratory as it was just hours ago when its residents and visitors hit the town. Exhaustion controlled me; slugging my movements and yet failing to do the same thing to my thoughts. I hadn’t slept much the night before. I don’t think I’ve rested well in over a week; maybe two.

“Baby, maybe just one. I’m so tired.”

“Huh?” I knew she said something, but the message wasn’t clear.

“I said maybe one. You know, what we were talking about earlier?” Her tipsy wink came with her sitting up in the seat and she glanced out of the window with a frown.

“Why are we in Alpine? I thought we were going home.” The all too familiar street instantly made her whip her head around in my direction. Her eyes held more than just that one question and yet I have no answer to give her.

“You’re going to stay here today. I’ll come back and get you tonight. I need to run and do a few things.”

“What? It’s six thirty in the morning and you haven’t slept. You’re still in a tux for Christ’s sake. What do you need to do right now?”

“I just have to handle something.”

“Handle what?” Her lips flattened with her tone. Her posture dared me to lie to her. I won’t.

“Autumn, I’m not going to get into all of that right now.”

“You’ve been acting so weird lately. You’re not sleeping. You’re barely eating. I question it and you blow it off as nothing and yet you move around like a thief in the night. What is it? First you tell me that I cannot show up to your job and now this? You better tell me something right now, because I’m going to start assuming.”

“Assuming what? Don’t do the insecure shit, because I’ve never given you a reason to feel like that.”

“What do you think this shit is?”

“It’s not that. Believe me when I tell you that everything I do is for us.”

“I’ve heard that before.”

“Autumn, I am not Andreas. Please don’t compare me to that man.”

“Then stop acting like him.”

And just like that, I forced myself into a silence as we sat in the driveway of her parent’s home. Her final statement caught me off guard and I didn’t want or need to retaliate. I’ve pulled that card before and she hates it. I won’t go tit for tat.

“I love you okay?”

“Then come inside. We made a promise to each other. It’s been days since you’ve touched me.” Internally, I winced. The driver heard every word of this back and forth, including that part.

“Late on, okay? I promise. As a matter of fact, let's go to London this week. Just me and you. Not for work, just for time with one another. You love when we’re in London.”

“You promised me before we left home.”

“I didn’t promise you anything. You promised me.”

Disappointment flushed into her pleading expression.

“You go. I won’t hold you. Have a good day.”

“Autumn.”

“No. Don’t.”

She exited the SUV with her heels in one hand and her purse in the other. She didn’t bother to look back as I awaited her entry into the house. Even as I rolled the window down and called for her; it went ignored.

“Autumn, I love you.”

She stood at the door, silently staring at me. Her mouth moved to speak and yet the silence remained. Within seconds, I was left on the other side of the door without her.

I needed to hear it from her.

I needed it more than anything else.

[foreverholdmedown]

Momzilla (Part 4)

August 4th.

“Everything is set for December at the Barker Hanger. Initially, I was going to move it to New York this year, but I’m just going to do it out in Los Angeles once again and then it’s coming here to next year. I think it makes perfect sense. We’ve already narrowed down Cipriani as the location for sure. Right now, I just need you to have some mock ups sent over for the table placements. Just call. They should already know that I’m expecting them.” The tips of her toes sank into the plushness of the couch as Robyn pulled her legs up and she glanced in the direction of the ruckus just a couple of inches away from her. The roaring laughing of both her husband and son quickly began to overpower her conversation to the point of her not being able to hear a word Morgan said to her. The sight of both of their bodies, wildly rolling around on the floor as Jaxton’s gibberish meshed in with his father’s words was a sight to see and one that she couldn’t draw her eyes away from no matter how hard she tried to. Every few minutes or so, it would go from Jermaine laying on his back and carefully throwing their growing son up in the air to draw those infectious giggles from him and then they’d be rolling all over the carpet in pure glee. It’s what she’s been listening to since this morning in their bedroom and it has yet to stop. If anything, they’ve followed her around the house. She left them upstairs with their noise and yet, here they are, with her in the living room.

“Can you two keep it down for just five minutes while I wrap up this phone call?” And just like that, their antics ceased as the identical sets of dark chocolate eyes glanced in her direction. Faint chills between to trickle along her lower back as Jermaine’s lips curved into the smile that has captivated her since the first time she saw it in high school. It’s so infectious and playful, yet so alluring and seductive. As his tongue ran over his bottom lip and he squinted his eyes, it was quite easy to tell he’d gone from being playful with their child to tempting her to come and make him be quiet once no one else was around. She took full advantage of the village of people backstage at Jermaine’s Holmdel, NJ tour date as they smothered their children with attention and affection. The less she had to keep an eye on the both of them, the more she could have fun with the cups of Jack Daniels and pineapple juice that had been enjoying throughout the night. Despite him performing a full ninety minute set and mingling backstage, the alcohol had her talking his ear off the entire drive home and he listened to every single word that spilled from her lips attentively and yet with amusement because they hadn’t conversed like that in quite a while. It didn’t stop there. A goodnight’s worth of sleep after his shower was the furthest thing from her mind. All bets were off as she disregarded the guests in their home and turned their bed into a playground. Despite them being married, now that the liquor has worn off, she’d be mortified if her mother-in-law knew or heard what was going on behind that closed door.

“Mommy’s being a party pooper.” He placed a kiss on Jaxton’s forehead as he sat up on his chest but he wouldn’t be able to keep him still for much longer. He wanted to play and mommy’s phone call didn’t matter much to him.

“No mommy isn’t.” Within seconds of her returning her attention to Morgan, the beckoning yell from her step-daughter drew laughter from her instantly. There’s no way she’d be finishing that phone call and she knew it the moment she answered the phone. Despite there being a number of people in and out of their penthouse apartment since this morning, the main members of the residence were the nosiest ones and yet it felt amazing. She couldn’t be mad at it if she tried to.

“Morgan, are you coming tonight? You’re more than welcome.”

“Yeah, I’ll be there for sure. I’ll text you when I’m on my way.”

“Okay. See you later on then.”

While dropping her phone into her lap, she turned her attention towards the direction of Yari’s voice who was within close enough proximity for her to see her and yet she continued to yell her name as if that was going to make whatever she needed that much more of a priority. With her curls all over her head and a non-matching set of pajamas that she dressed herself in the night before, she jogged over with two Dreamville sweatshirts in her hands and immediately earned a snicker from Robyn.

“Which one?” Both were customized to her liking of color due to one of her many favorite uncles Ib; one pink and the other a lavender that even Robyn is considering requesting.

“It’s August sweetie. Neither one, unless you want to burn up out there. You have t-shirts like that. You’re going to wear one of those with some shorts and Converses. Maybe we can do that ruffled denim skirt. We’ll see.”

“Can I still wear the hat and have curls?”

“Sure.”

“You should wear the white shirt and match your brother.” Her father’s suggestion earned a huge huff and a blank stare that is becoming far more identical to his than her mother’s. He should have known better than to say that. Now that he’s growing, walking, and getting into anything that he can get his hands on, Yari isn’t smothering her little brother with her attention and kisses as much as she use to. Instead, she’s chasing him out of her room and frustratingly trying to keep his little hands off and out of her things.

“Ew. We’re not twins.”

“He’s your little brother.”

“I know but I’m the oldest. When you have another baby, you can match him with that one.” Robyn watched as Jermaine widened his eyes with laughter and he glanced in her direction to catch whatever reaction she may have had to Yari’s words. Another baby? Jaxton’s still in diapers and drinking out of bottles. The thought of how hectic that would be nearly had Robyn leaping off of the couch.

“Another baby?” She had to ask her to be clear that’s what she said.

“Yeah, when you have another one. I’ll be back.” Is there a such thing as a child’s jinx on your uterus?

“Put those sweaters back!” That was all she could say in response to her assurance in them eventually having another offspring running around the house. Later on down the line? Maybe. Soon? Not happening. Three has always been her cut off number and given the work that it takes to balance their family, Yari counts as one of the three. Hell, keeping track of and attending all of her recitals, plays, games, and school events is a job within itself. Imagine doing that for four children. Both she and Jermaine would need clones.

“You’re going to need a nap before you get out of here today.” And it’s all her fault. She didn’t know whether to laugh at that or shake her head and scold herself. Despite her tension and their apparent issues that have yet to be thoroughly addressed, she couldn’t skip out on supporting him since she’d already been on the east coast. Every word of her vows meant something to her and despite what she’s been feeling, upholding them is true to who she is to both herself and him. That aside, she’d argue anyone down that she is his biggest fan and advocate. She loves seeing him on that stage more than anyone else and any chance she gets to be able to witness it, she’s not missing out on it.

“Yeah, maybe an hour or two. I’m not that tired.”

“Are you nervous?” Jaxton’s small feet pattering in the direction of his grandmother as she appeared in the entry way of their living room caught their attention. She said nothing as she lifted him up into her arms and held him close to her chest. Instead she warmly smiled at the sight of them idly laying there in the living room and walked in the direction of the kitchen to leave them to it. She’d even done it last night when Robyn was walking Jermaine to his entry point to the stage. She made sure both Yari and Jaxton stayed behind so they could have that brief moment to themselves.

“Am I nervous? Not really.” He shrugged his shoulders once.

“Anxious?”

“That’s sort of the same thing Baby Girl. Anxious. Hm. I suppose so. I’m always somewhat apprehensive before every show. I’m trying not to mentally differentiate this one from all of the others but how can I not?” And she too felt the same exact way. Despite all of the dates that he has to conquer on this tour, there are about three particular ones that will absolutely stand out from the rest and tonight’s show will be one of them.

“That’s exactly how I feel. I’ve had butterflies since I opened my eyes this morning.”

“Yeah, I could sense that.” Though she playfully rolled her eyes, she couldn’t deny the sixth sense he developed when it comes to her since they were kids. Over the years it has had it’s murky moments and that’s certainly been happening lately, but it’s still there. He just needs to dust it off a bit and bring about some clarity to it.

“Does it get old to you?” Despite her asking, even she had to wonder how could it ever? How does one ever get tired of stepping out on stage and watching tens of thousands of people screaming your name and rapping along to the stories that you spilled from your heart? There are a ton of people in it for the money and the numbers game matters before anything else, but for Jermaine, despite the emotional toll it has taken on him, the spouts of mild depression, and the questioning of himself, he’s in it because it’s a passion and there is still a love there for Hip-Hop and connecting it with the people.

“No. Performing is the best part about it. It’s the part when the politics and the behind the scenes bullshit doesn’t matter. It’s just you and the people. They don’t know what goes into being able to enjoy their favorite artist despite whatever hints or gems may be dropped through the music. They don’t know how that shit can drain you in every single sense. They just see the person who has lightened their mood, put a smile on their face, helped them through whatever they’re going through, and who has been this piece of their life through music. I’m no fucking genius or wizard. I’m not a therapist or some life coach. I don’t parade myself around as someone who knows it all. I just speak from the heart and often times, I use a pen and paper to spill some of my inner most thoughts and struggles. I expose the good, the bad, and the ugly about who I am because I’m not trying to be this God like figure who refuses to acknowledge that I can be fucked up or that I go through things despite having this career and the perks that come with it.” And there it is; one of those Jermaine moments when he’s being raw and relatable in every single sense. Though she’s no musician, the industry she works in is just as grueling on the mind and body. Early on, before the moments of success, the process to get to it isn’t as beautiful as the result. After the fact, rather than enjoying what came of it, you’re already focusing on what’s next. The celebrations were short-lived and the yet the grind for it all is endless. The balance is a struggle. Then there’s the part where so many of them hide behind masks of perfection and then spiral out of control when the cracks began to show that they’re anything but that. If anyone knows it, it’s her. Life has never been easy but now it’s fair. Her struggles began as a kid and there wasn’t much of a mask to be worn because she couldn’t afford it. Every now and then her smile would serve as one but even that became transparent. Despite Jermaine calling her perfection, it’s always been clear that she’s perfectly imperfect and the same can be said for him.

“That’s real. And that’s what they love about you Jermaine. That’s what I hear in the album. As soon as that intro comes on, you just feel it, you know? I get chills as soon as I hear you singing. It really sets this tone of not only what you’re striving for but what you’ve learned and the knowledge that you’re going to share with any person who presses play. I love everything about it. That part where you say look where I came, look how far I done came, they say that dreams come true and when they do that’s a beautiful thing. That holds as truth for everybody, I don’t give a fuck what their dreams are. There’s that journey of navigating through said dream or reality and riding through the highs and lows of it until you truly find out what fulfills you. That’s what life is. You’ve highlighted that so perfectly. It’s between all of that and just the imagery that you’ve shared for this album that makes it my favorite one. The other day I was thinking about the juxtaposition of the album art and you being back home and then the Intro video with you riding through the streets of New York City on your bike; the city you made it in. The smile in your face is so pure as you’re riding and then there’s that part when you stop in front of that BMW dealership and you peak inside, and then you continue on with riding your bike because you know that ultimately none of that has true meaning or validates you. You can have it if you want it, and you’ve had plenty of it, and yet none of it matters. That’s freedom. That shit’s so genius.” In all of the words she spoke, she was laying on her back and staring up at the ceiling, but after her final word, she turned and looked at the man she was hailing and blushed at the sight of the smirk on his face. For a brief moment, they stared at one another in silence as he mentally stored all of her words so he’d be able to come back to them in a moment when he needed a smile or felt like thinking about just how lucky he is to have her.

“You really are my biggest fan, baby.”

“I always have been Cole.”

“You highlighted that so perfectly.”

“I can go on and on about what you’ve done with this album and even the tour. It’s so you. I’m not saying that the other albums aren’t. They’re you and you’re telling your story on them, but with this album I just feel like I’m talking to a grown and experience Jermaine, who I fell in love with in the Ville. If I didn’t already know the details of your journey, I could listen to this album and say, okay, I get it.”

“That’s all I wanted with this one. Real shit, I can admit with the others I was seeking clout, validation, and a rank that doesn’t even fucking matter when you look at the big picture. With this one, it was me asking myself, Jermaine who the fuck are you, and then answering that. After that, it was me asking myself, Jermaine what the fuck do you need, and answering that as well. I’ve come to a point where I feel comfortable and not in a sense of wanting to give up or no longer work hard, but in order for me to be at my best space in doing this, I just need to pull back because while it’s incredible to be able to do what I love, I’ve come to realize just how much of a small part of my joy that it is.” The floor was his. Though she was silent, she hung on to every word and took moments in between to make sense of it.

“I have to nurture what rules as the majority so that I can be in the best mental space for all of this. I’ve already made adjustments in terms of the business and who I need where, doing what, and how it needs to be done. It was difficult but I had to let some people go, I had to bring a few in, I had to delegate a bit more to those who have been around, and I had to overcome any fear of whatever the outcome may be. That’s settled. The other day, Ray asked me what I had in store for myself after the tour wrapped and I straight up told him that I’m going home. A few years back, I would have been like nigga I’m heading straight to the studio to cook up for the next album, but I’m not even thinking about what’s next in that sense. Whatever happens, happens. I just want to be with you, raise my kids, play some basketball with the homies, talk to my momma a lot more than I’ve been doing, connect with my brother and pops.” Though his eyes were glued to her the entire time, they suddenly peeled away and he glanced up at the pure white ceiling. “I know you’ve been thinking about separating from me. The other day, I grabbed your iPad to look up a couple of books to grab from Barnes and Noble for Yari and you had a tab open about legal separations.”

A tightness formed in the pit of her stomach as it churned in response to the revelation. Despite her anger and frustration with the way things currently are, separating from him was so far down on the scale of any possibilities for a resolution. Insecurity and the pent up aggression had gotten the best of her and suddenly her mind went into retaliation mode rather than an expressive one. Does he drive her crazy sometimes? Absolutely. Can he be annoying? Hell yeah. Is he hardheaded? His head can be harder than a damn brick. Can his efforts to meet her needs be met with better urgency? Without a doubt, but she’s never turned him into a villain. He’s not a terrible husband much like she isn’t a perfect wife. Ultimately, if they want it, they’re going to have to work for it and what she’s been feeling is repairable. It’s a quick fix.

“Jermaine, it’s not like…”

“No, I get it. I’m not mad.” His response in cutting her off rendered her to silence again. “I can’t lie, initially I was. I was going to confront you and ask what the fuck were you thinking, but then I had to catch myself and realize that’s exactly the problem. I was thinking about my own feelings and instead of stepping back and considering yours and why you may have come to that idea. Of course the premiere is a factor and I still feel like shit about that. I will for a while. I should have been there despite whatever and I wasn’t. That guilt has to sit with me for a while until the both of us feels like I’ve redeemed myself in some type of manner. Then there’s time and you feeling overwhelmed. I know that I should know and I do. You handle this household better than I ever could. You run all of this shit and I will quickly put my pride aside and tell anyone that, but I know it’s tiring. We have a toddler, a seven year old going on twenty five, and then there’s keeping up with me and what I need. You handle all of that before you do anything pertaining to yourself. This album period has kept me out of the house for sure and now the tour. That’s why I called our moms. We’ve gone back and forth with the nanny situation but we’ve never really settled on how we’re going go about that, so I just called them because both are more than willing to help and have they time to do so. But they’re not me though. I need to be here. You need to be able to lean on me just as much, if not even more, than I lean on you.”

“I know when I really need you, you’ll be there. I’m not doubting that, but lately, I’ve been feeling like you don’t hear me and it hasn’t felt good because you’re the main person that I need and expect to hear me at all times. We’re not perfect. Sometimes I get it wrong too. There are times when I may not prioritize something you may need but for the most part, I try to be as consistent as possible. That’s what I need. I know you’re swamped with work but it’s been tough and I get tired. That’s really all it was for me. The separation stuff was a mixture of me wanting to retaliate but also feeling like maybe some time apart will help you gain some perspective on all of this.”

“I know. You’ve been angry. I don’t want you to ever feel like you can’t  tell me what you’re feeling. You have a tendency to let shit build up and then you explode. We’ve could have spoken on this a while back and attempted to find some type of resolution and if that one didn’t work out so well, we could have sought out others. That’s how things have to work because this isn’t the first or last time that you’re going to be irritated with me about something. I see you and I want to hear you, but you have to let me hear you. Being your husband and an upstanding father is my priority before anything else. Being your husband has always been the goal since we were running around Terry Sandford trying to figure ourselves out. I wanted this. Marriage keeps me disciplined and grounded, but most of all, purposeful. I don’t want to ever lose this, so if you feel like I didn’t handle something properly, didn’t hear you well enough, didn’t meet an expectation in the manner that you needed me to, or whatever else I may fall short in from time to time, let me know.” Who knew that such a random conversation about tonight would turn into them delving into the looming issues between the two of them, but God knows how alleviating it was to have it and in such a calm manner. More than anything else, this is what she’s been needing. It’s no date at a upscale restaurant or an exotic vacation; it’s just them in the comfort of their home picking at one another’s brains and checking in to make sure they’re on track with what they need from one another as a union and as parents.

“I will. Just make sure you do the same when it comes to me.”

“Oh, I was about to, but last night fixed all of that shit. I was tired as hell but shit, I found the energy.” The goofiness came out swinging as he burst into laughter once a pillow from the couch lightly smacked into his face and bounced off to the side of him. Of course he’d go there. She walked right into that though it was never the intent. He can flip anything into whatever inappropriate thoughts his mind is having.

“That Jack Daniels had you in rare form. The way your tongue…”
 “Jermaine!” Yet another pillow hit him and he continued his laughter as as he reminisced. Even she had to snicker because he was right. Every climax was earth shattering; the next one better than the previous. Fluttering tickled her insides just at the thought of it.

“Then you had on the leopard pumps and those tight ass jeans. When you walked in the dressing room, I was like daaaaammnnnnn. What are you wearing tonight?”

“It’s between a red Balmain look that Olivier sent over or Versace. I think you’ll like both. The Versace is a dress but if I wear that, there won’t be any twerking in it.”

“So wear that because you don’t need to be twerking. Fuck all of that.” Despite her laughter, the Versace had always been the choice that she was leaning towards. It’s the embodiment of a “little black dress” with the little being emphasized in it’s very short length and enhanced sex appeal with it’s plunging neckline. For the feet? Golden Tom Ford Napa Simple Strap Evening Sandals.

“Get off of the floor and get on the couch.”

“Oh, I see what you’re trying to do.” Her emerald eyes narrowed as he sat up and she waved off his joke.

“I’m trying to keep your back in tact for tonight.”

“Meanwhile, I’m trying to blow yours out.”

“Jermaine, you got one more time.” God forbid if anyone walks past and hears his foul mouth.

“I’m going to head upstairs and take that nap. You coming?”

“I have to finish cooking. You take your nap. I’ll make sure I get you up so you can take your shower and all of that.”

“Alright.” Once he was on his feet, he leaned over and planted two pecks on her lips. He then left her with a smile as he jogged off in the direction of the stairs.

Though there would be dinner at the venue for all artists and crew, she knew he’d rather have something made by her hands so she went with pineapple jerk chicken, macaroni pie, and cabbage. Timing didn’t allow her to make dessert but she’d make it up to him in some kind of manner and besides, his favorite snacks are stocked up in the cabinet. He can make due with that.

“I’ve washed him up. Yari’s taken her shower already. Is there anything you need me to do?” Robyn grabbed her phone off of the counter to check the time and she glanced at her mother-in-law.

“No. I got it from here. You need to get yourself together. I’ll make sure they get ready.”

“Don’t be silly, I can do it. It doesn’t take me long to get ready at all. If anyone needs to be starting to get herself together, it’s their momma.” Her mouth fell agape at the well know fact that she takes the longest to get ready out of everyone and she clutched her chest at Kay’s laughter.

“I am not that bad.”

“Oh yes you are and you always have been. You were just as bad when you were a teenager. You spent more time in my bathroom than myself and the boys did.” She couldn’t deny it even though she wanted to. There’s a method to the madness that it sometimes is when she’s getting ready to head out somewhere. Being glamorous takes time!

“I won’t be too bad today. Yusef came by this morning and fixed up this long ol’ ponytail I’m rocking and I’m doing my own make up. I’m keeping it simple. I’ll be better with timing tonight. You can get Jax ready if you want. I already have out what he’s wearing. It’s on the dresser in his room. I’ll do Yari because if anyone else does, she’ll give you or them the run around. After that, I’ll wake him up. I’m trying to let him get as much rest as possible.”

“Okay.”

Readying Yari was simpler than she thought it would be. As discussed earlier, she agreed with the look Robyn picked out for her and had most of it on when she peaked inside of the room to check on her. All she had to do was fix her hair. She pulled half of it up into a ponytail and left the back half down just as she requested and was off to awaken Jermaine from that extended nap. Despite them being in the bathroom at the same time, neither one of them were in the others way because everything about what he needed to do was fairly simple.

“You want to drive there?” She placed her beauty blender on the counter top and turned to look at Jermaine as he leaned against the doorway of the bathroom. Drive?

“Drive? Me?”

“No. I’m going to drive but I was asking if you wanted to do that.”

“Why do you want to drive?” They’d either be taking her Bentley or the Benz because he has no car and hasn’t shown any interest in getting one. Hers are at his disposal if need be anyway.

“I don’t know. I just feel like driving there. Just you and I.”

“Don’t you plan on drinking tonight?”

“No.” Her head jerked back in confusion and disbelief. Tonight of all nights?

“Baby, everyone’s going to be celebrating tonight. I feel like just about everyone’s going to be drunk and you’re not?”

“I’ll sip something for a toast but I have no plans on getting wasted or anything like that.”

“Are you feeling okay?” Maybe he has a headache or something? He seemed find earlier though.

“Yeah, why?”

“What about the afterparty?”

“What afterparty?” How is there not a party tonight, of all nights? Ib is slacking and if not him, then Adam is. There’s supposed to be some type of celebration booked at one of these New York City clubs for them to throw back drinks in with some loud music to shake their asses to. It’s warranted tonight.

“There’s no official party that you’re hosting or something?”

“No. I think they’re all talking about going to Up and Down tonight but I’m not going.”

“Oh. Well then, yeah, we can drive.” No party?

His desire to drive seemed already planned. The awaiting SUV that had been downstairs more than an hour before anyone was ready was for Kay and the children. Despite Robyn’s protests to at least take Jaxton with them, he was still whisked off with grandma who ignored her requests. Her Bentley was their chariot and there was something quite soothing about them driving within the Manhattan streets listening to Biggie’s “Life After Death” album while on the way to the arena. It had been a while since they’d taken a ride together and though she was confused by it earlier, his idea was perfect.

“You look fucking good.” He’d been stealing glances at every light.

“Thank you. I figured you’d like the dress better.”

“I love it.”

There’s something magical about New York and it’s why right now, it’s hard to imagine living anywhere else. It just doesn’t get old and it’s signifies a new beginning for the both of them. It’s the city that forced them to grow up and make something of themselves and the reality that they both did in a manner that met and exceeded every dream has made it a place that holds such a special part in both of their hearts. Despite that, there’s been so much reflecting back on home; the city that raised them. Though Jermaine’s always promised her that he’d buy her a vacation home in Barbados, she’s mentally promised him and is already seeking out a home in North Carolina. They’ve done the bi coastal living between New York and Los Angeles, so it shouldn’t be too much of a struggle to do it between New York and North Carolina. It’ll be somewhere they can spend their summers and holidays. Yari will get the best of both worlds with her friends she’s met in school and the ones who she’s grown up with in Fayetteville. Kay won’t have to constantly get on flights to travel to them. They’ll be within driving distance. Zach can be around more often. Things aren’t as flooded and hectic as the city, so they’ll be able to move around with some normalcy and they’ll have a yard for the kids to run around in. It’ll be a gift to him once he has his homecoming show.

“Look Baby Girl.” As he hit the left turn onto 7th Ave, Robyn glanced up at the Mecca of New York City. The Garden has a long standing history for it’s NBA and college basketball hosting over the decades, but the sports side, it’s musical history is just as prominent and important. At some point in their lives, every New Yorker has been in this building to watch someone put on a career cementing performance, whether it was Elvis Presley, John Lennon, Prince, Stevie Wonder, Madonna, Elton John, The Jacksons, and of course Michael Jackson solo. There’s only been a handful of rappers that have given sold out performances at the arena and after tonight Jermaine will officially be amongst that short list.

“I remember when I used to walk or ride past here. Shit, not too long ago I rode my bike past here and I was like I’m going to play this shit one day and now it’s sold out tonight.”

“And it sold out in one day. Imagine that.” She’d never forget the news and the way they were yelling with excitement about it. It’s just as surreal now as it was then.

“It’s crazy.”

They circled the block at least three times just to get a good look at the historical building and the digital screen displaying the “J. Cole Sold Out” message across it. Robyn even took a couple of pictures of it on her iPhone before they parked in the private underground garage and walked into the bottom level of the arena hand in hand with Elijah in tow. The backstage area was just as hectic as it usually is, with every single component of the show being discussed, and people moving around to make sure the audience received what they paid for in nothing less than perfect form. Though there were a number of his peers backstage to greet him and enjoy the pending performance, Jermaine spent a nice amount of time talking with his former landlord Muhammad and not only thanked him once again for all that he had done for him, but was able to listen to him reminisce on those moments when he assured him that all of this would happen for him. It’s full circle to have him be there tonight to see how it all came to fruition.

“I could have done that, you know?” Robyn looked on as Jermaine made sure both straps of Jaxton’s diaper was secure before pulling up his black shorts. The dressing room was cleared of anyone who could possible disturb him with anything. Initially, it was only them, the kids, Kay, Mike, and Ib sitting in there talking but even they had cleared out with the real boss of the show, Yari. She suddenly morphed into her father’s tour manager and was walking around with K.C. to make sure everything was handled.

“I already had him.” Jax was already on his second shirt, since he put cheese puff stains all over the white one he arrived in. A nap wasn’t on the horizon yet. He too would get to watch the show. “The sound cancelling headphones are in my bag. Make sure he has those on because it’s going to be super loud.”

“I know.” Cool, calm, and collected. That’s what he had been the entire time. She’d been waiting to see if even an ounce of nervousness hit him and there was none.

“I’m going to sit in the suite the majority of the time anyway. So, I’ll take him in there. That way, if he takes a nap, we won’t be somewhere chaotic. That’s where I’m most comfortable.” Kay had been a savior since she arrived four days ago and at some point, they’re going to have to mutually praise her efforts even more than they already have though she’ll only wave them off and brag about how much she loves spending time with her grandchildren. It’s her pleasure far more than it is a favor.

“Yo, about 10!” K.C. poked his head into the door and Jermaine gave him a nod. How the hell had they gotten through Jeremih, YG, and Big Sean that damn fast. Though they’d been there since five, it didn’t feel long at all.

“You gon’ walk me?” She looked on as he planted kisses on their hyper son’s forehead and she nodded in agreement.

Within two minutes, they were casually walking down the halls and making the turns necessary to make it to the stage. As Elijah stood off at a safe distance and observed the surroundings, Robyn looked on as he paced back in forth in a zone that she didn’t want to disrupt. In the midst of it was his silent prayer to himself for a good show and whatever other blessings he may be working for outside of all of this. A rush of adrenaline filled her entire frame at the sound of more than fifteen thousand people screaming his name and him being so calm and prepared for it. It felt like destiny.

“You were born to do this. You don’t have to get ready because you’ve been ready.” Their lips met for a tender kiss. “I’m so proud of you.”

“Thank you. You gon’ be somewhere where I can see you or the sound booth with Ray and them?”

“I’ll be between both.” “Okay, go and get a head start. E, I’m good. Walk her.”

“Have a good show. See you during and after. Love you.” Their lips met once more.

“Love you too.”

From the moment he took the stage, it began a rush and a natural high that only increased as he transitioned from song to song. She’d seen him command many stages but none of them have been quite like seeing him in an arena amongst this many people. Usually, she’s in awe of the more intimate performances, where he’s within close proximity to the people and he’s running through the early records that made them fall in love with him, but this…this is magic. Even while being in the midst of such a historical moment for him it felt like a dream that she never wanted to wake up from. Most of all, it was clear that not only was he made for performing, but it was genuinely fun for him. The smile on his face and the humbled moments were unforgettable. The sounds of screaming fans calling out for him and rapping along to every lyric that sounded out around them was what they fantasized about as teens and it has now become his life. This is what she made sacrifices for so that she could help him pay for beat machines, microphones, and whatever else he needed. This is why her house served as his personal studio space no matter how much that equipment ran up the electric bill. This is why she constantly pushed for him to only apply for schools in New York. This is why at the time she was alright with letting him to off and chase his dreams whether he came back for her or not. This is what she prayed for every single morning when she woke up and at night before she closed her eyes to sleep. This is what she knew was waiting for him. All he needed to do was go after it.

“Are you crying? You deadass right now?” Robyn turned to look at Mike and shook her head. She hadn’t even realized that the tears fell. She was too wrapped up in the moment.

“Here. I hope you’re wearing waterproof mascara.” She grabbed the napkin that Monica was holding around her drink and she dabbed her cheeks lightly in an effort to not smudge her make up. She’d been partying along side those two when standing in the sound booth and oddly, she was along side Ib whenever she was standing near the stage.

“Yall remember when we did the theater on my birthday last year and I said the next time we come out, we’re going to be in here. And look, yall sold this bitch out.” The roars from the crowd were piercing. She remembered that just as well. She’d had Jax just three months before. Damn near the entire crew celebrated the night away at The Gilded Lily after the show.  

“It’s crazy because my wife and I used to dream about this together in the Ville. Sometimes we’d laugh because it seemed so farfetched and yet it felt so attainable because I wanted it. Now we’re all here together and I have my wife and kids, my momma, and some of the best friends that I’ve gotten over the years in here living this dream with me. I’m thankful. I appreciate yall.”

Despite the additional half an hour he performed, she didn’t want it to end. If there was some magic rewind button within reach, she would have hit it a couple of times just to watch all of it all over again, but she’d have to settle for Scott’s recording once it was edited and completed.

“That shit was so lit!” Though he was covered in sweat, attempting to catch his breath, and trying to make his way back to the dressing room, she jumped into his arm and held on tightly while smothering him with kisses all over his face. His strength allowed him to carry her with one arm while he continued his trek to the dressing room. He needed to take a seat and even when she did, there she as in his lap with the endless kisses. “I’m proud of you.”

“We did it Baby Girl. We did it.”

“Jax, no, stop it.” His piercing and random scream startled all of them and yet he continued on with his mission to try and get his hands into her bowl of ice cream. The gibberish meshed in with her complaining was typical and yet it had been ongoing since they arrived home. In an effort to cease the back and forth, Jermaine grabbed Jaxton and sat him up on his chest so that he’d stop interrupting his sister. The movie for the night? Mulan. Their location? The king sized bed in their master bedroom. Oh and there was Jax’s oversized Elmo in-between them as well. He’d been an additional member of the family since Mike bought it.

Everyone had a bowl of an improvised dessert Robyn whipped up after serving dinner and despite her protests, their dad allowed them to have it upstairs in the bed. Jax was supposed to be having tastes out of his father’s bowl, but he had much more of an interest in his sisters’.

Robyn looked over and observed the random pieces they all put together as pajamas and shook her head. Everyone has a pajama drawer and yet here they are, not matching, unlike herself who had on a lime green silk camisole and short set.

“Oh snap, Yar Yar, here we go.” And with that, they began to sing in unison “Honor To Us All”. The hilarious part? Him attempting to pitch his raspy and nearly hoarse voice as high as hers and the women singing in the movie. He has absolutely no pride within his fatherhood. He sings along with all of the Disney princess stuff with no shame and tonight is no different.

As she lay back against the headboard, she could do nothing more than chuckle.

What an afterparty.

[dragonwysper]

1. Are you named after anyone?

Yes! My mom gave me my deadname based on an old friend she had (both were J names). My second/current name, Cole, I'm pretty sure came to me because I watched Ninjago. So there's that lmao.

2. When was the last time you cried?

Friday. For a friend who was struggling.

3. Do you have kids?

No, nor do I ever want any. If I change my mind, I'm adopting.

4. Do you use sarcasm?

Sometimes, and usually only for very obvious lighthearted jokes. My autism makes it hard to determine tone sometimes, and makes me just about incapable of lying, so I don't like to come off as mean or hard to read.

5. What's the first thing you notice about people?

Ngl probably hair if I'm being honest. My hair is a big thing for me (gives me euphoria if it looks good and dyphoria if it looks bad), and also is a big part of how attractive I think someone is. Secondarily though? How conservative they look. Gotta make sure it's safe to be my authentic homosexual self around them lmao.

6. What's your eye color?

Grey-blue

7. Scary movies or happy endings?

Both! I'm a real sucker for a good trauma recovery story, but stuff that's all horror or all wholesome is great too!

8. Any special talent?

Well, I can draw, I'm decent at finding stuff online, I'm great at IDing North American snakes, I'm learning how to ID various Acari families and orders, and I make some deliciously juicy, fluffy, microwaved scrambled eggs.

9. Where were you born?

Same little Missouri town I still live in. I think I was born at a St. Luke's hospital? Don't quite remember though skhddjjd.

10. What are your hobbies?

Drawing, sleeping, reading sad fanfiction, looking for mites, hiking through the creek, and watching horror movies.

11. Any pets?

Yes! I have an Egyptian egg eating snake (Dasypeltis bazi) named Mildred! I've begged my parents for a snake since I was five, and they finally let me, under the condition it didn't eat rodents. So! Egg eater! I also have a little Trombidium mite in a mini terrarium, though I'm not sure if he counts. Bro needs a name though fr fr.

12. What sports do you play/have you played?

I played flag football for a while when I was in kindergarten. The coach was really misogynistic and encouraged the other boys to make fun of me for being a girl. Joke's on them, I grew up to be a real manly man who can't throw a football for shit 😎. I hate sports though, fr. No shame to those who enjoy them, of course. Just ain't my thing.

13. How tall are you?

Measured my height a couple weeks back for a CSI project. I think I was about ~160cm?? Idk. Somewhere around there.

14. Favorite subjects in school?

Out of my current classes, animation's definitely the best! I do enjoy CSI a lot too, and last year's trigonometry was just about the most fun I've ever had in a math class.

15. Dream job?

No clue. I wanted to be a herpetologist for a while when I was younger, but then I got older and realized herpetologists get to pick between working at a zoo, milking venomous snakes, or breeding ball pythons. I like the idea of being an acarologist and studying undescribed species of mites, but acarologists in reality just get to learn how best to kill the parasitic and crop-devouring ones. Osteology would be cool, but I'm not super sure how good the outlook for that is. Animating might be fun, but a lot of studios like to work animators to the bone on the most grueling shit. Plus the whole AI situation doesn't look great. I really don't know what I want to do.

Tags (sorry if y'all don't like being pinged! Feel free to ignore!):

@vannyxan @vexingvertebrae @baneswood-sins @funkyness @hordraomin @images-that-are-only-cursed @jackquell @johnnystruant @marisatomay @wintercoffin @wolframbites @lankyledlights @thestargazerx @u-got-lynks @bbonsai3321

15 tags 15 mutuals

*tips hat* @athemarina

1. Are you named after anyone?: No but there is this thing on my father's side of my family where give a name starting with the letter A to their child.

2. When was the last time you cried?: About a month ago.

3. Do you have kids?: Noh

4. Do you use sarcasm?: Why would I ever?

5. What’s the first thing you notice about people?: The way they talk and I try to notice hand gestures a lot.

6. What’s your eye colour?: Dark brown

7. Scary movies or happy endings?: Either one or both

8. Any special talents?: Eh....I can do this thing with my arms, it's a bit hard to explain but one friend called it a 'bone breaker' and my other friend told me I was temporarily popping it out of it's socket.

9. Where were you born?: Earth. I assure you that I am not an alien.

10. What are your hobbies?: Writing, drawing, reading, day dreaming, plotting ways to rebel against my school.

11. Have you any pets?: Fishes.

12. What sports do you play/have played?: Speed skating, swimming

13. How tall are you?: 5'4'' (yes I am very short)

14. Favourite subject in school?: Art (I am a computer science student)

15. Dream job?: Honestly I am trying to survive through school. My dream job was crushed in 8th grade.

Tagging: @late-to-the-fandom @master-of-the-pigeon-religion @on-noon @caligraphyzev @calloumii @idreamofhamandcheese @rxd-bxttrflxss @isabellebissonrouthier @midnight-and-his-melodiverse@subuthetitan @i-eat-books-and-nutella @timetravellingkitty @avocado-frog @usernamewastaken @aohendo

[carolinablues-story]

Chapter 35 x Seen it all, Done it all.

Jermaine 

5 months later 

“Come on, we gone be late.” I stepped into the room, buttoning the top of my blazer. Zayn smirked, walking over to adjust my collar. 

“I’m ready, old man.” She stepped back, admiring me. I admired her in her long simple, black dress with the back out. She looked amazing. Tonight was big for both of us. We’ve decided to finally pop out tonight as whatever people want to think. And I decided to throw the biggest house warming party in the city. Paid access of course. 

It wasn’t easy, but about two months ago I finally found the perfect home. It was right outside the city of Charlotte and a close drive to the arena. It had six bedrooms, two dining rooms, two offices, a gym, and a spacious kitchen. Everything a wife would hope for. Gladly Zayn was able to help with the final decisions such as furniture. 

With me buying a house in another city, Zayn was now an hour away. Because of that I offered that she temporarily move in while they figure it out but she declined. She didn’t say it but my previous relationship scared her and left her wondering if Camryn still had a chance with me. 

Ever since we had a talk, we’ve been closer than ever. I didn’t want to run her away so I gave her access to everything including my card. She didn’t want it but her name was on it for emergency purposes. Zayn deserved love. I wanted her to have that. 

The love I had for Camryn had officially transpired into something I couldn’t explain. But Zayn…I can explain her. I can explain why I need her around. Why she became a shadow in such a short time. My heartaches thinking about how quickly everything changed but I was slowly letting go. It had been years with Cam, a year with Zayn felt like a lightweight. When we got together we were in our own world. Nobody exists and we still haven’t touched each other. Zayn lifted me. 

“What’s wrong?” Zayn crept into my thoughts. I shook my head and grabbed the keys.

“You look beautiful.” I kissed her forehead and pulled her by the hand out the door. 

Tonight was gonna be the night. 

Kay 

“She’s beautiful.” Tonight I finally met the second woman Jermaine has cared enough to allow me to meet. She was slender, slightly taller than Camryn and had a beautiful aura. It was like she screamed beauty. 

I didn’t want to tell Jermaine, but I still kept in contact with Camryn. We’ve gotten close and I’ve grown to love her. She’s down to earth and I learned quickly why my son loves her. I say love because I can tell he still loves Camryn. I can also tell he hasn’t touched the woman he’s introducing me to, otherwise they would be more fluid with each other. 

“Thank you,” the woman replied. I smiled at her and reached out my hand. She grabbed it delightfully, shaking my hand firmly. “I’m Azayn, but I got by Zayn.” She said to me.  

…Wow and she’s confident. This woman is alright in my book. I hate to be that mom that plays sides but I cannot stand here and front for no one including my son. 

“Kay.” I smiled and then looked at Jermaine. He had a concerned look on his face and I could tell he was confused considering how I was with Camryn. I wanted to be upset. I love my son and would enjoy more time with him. But how can I be mad when I see the reason he’s away so much. 

Let’s be frank Camryn wore sweats and looked like she just played a game of 21 when I met her. Zayn is dressed up with absolutely no makeup on and looks stunning. 

“How are you, Jermaine?” I asked him, choosing not to use my usual pet names for him. This caused another concerned look. 

“I’m good ma,” he pulled me into a hug. “Have you seen the house yet?” We were all standing outside for the most part, waiting for Jermaine to arrive. We didn’t expect him to show up with Zayn. And they looked amazing together stepping out of Jermaine’s car. 

“No, I want a tour.” I smiled at him. 

“Come on.” He grabbed my hand. “Zayn decorated so anything you don’t like you tell her.” Zayn laughed, swatting at Jermaine. Yep they’re in love too.  Just like Cam and Jermaine, it’s Deja vu. 

Zayn 

The night was going great. Everyone was enjoying themselves. Ms. Kay enjoyed every room that I decorated and we had a great conversation. Jermaine dipped off shortly after the tour to show some of his boys from the team his favorite spots in the house so far. 

Leave it to Jermaine to get a basketball court put into the gym. 

About an hour had passed and I had seen everyone that Jermaine took on a tour but I didn’t see him. Something wasn’t right to me and I could no longer enjoy the company I was keeping. I excused myself and went to look for Jermaine. 

I went the same pathway I saw him take asking a couple of guys along the way if they saw him. They all said the same thing: we thought he was with you. Shaking my head I continue down the hall. Turning right I begin to jog up the winded stairs. Once I reached the top I caught my breath before continuing on. 

“What are you doing here?” I heard Jermaine's voice. I couldn’t help but smile at how deep and sultry his voice was. I was getting ready to answer as I  crept towards the door with his voice behind it but I didn’t get the chance before I heard a familiar voice. 

“You think I wouldn’t be here for something big like this? I know how much you wanted your house…” I heard Camryn say to him. My heart beat loudly inside my chest as I stood out of eyesight but stayed in hearing range. The door was half opened and I could see Jermaine was towering Camryn but he kept space between them. 

“You can't be here.” Jermaine replied back. 

“Huh?” Her head cocked to the side in pure confusion. For some reason seeing how harsh he was turned me on. Even if it was just an act it felt good to know she probably can trust Jermaine based on this conversation so far. “You talking about Zayn huh? So y’all really together?” Yes I thought to myself. As of tonight actually. 

“Yeah,” my heart dropped to my stomach. I hadn’t heard him say it out loud to anyone, not even me. “We are and you gotta go cus I need her Cam.” What? 

“You need her? You’re Jermaine Cole. You don’t need anybody! You're turning to a simp!” Camryn yelled at Jermaine. Jermaine shook his head pacing back and forth. 

“I do need someone and it’s Zayn right now. I love you but I’ve had to move on and you should too. We’re not going to work like you said. I’m falling for Azayn and I couldn’t stop it if I wanted to.” By this time both Cam and I were crying. Tf am I crying for? 

“You fuck her yet?” She dryly chuckled. My chest winced at the question. Was he going to answer? 

“What we have is our business.” 

“Wow, Jermaine.” Camryn scoffed. “Your mom invited me. She said she could barely get you to answer and I see it’s the same old again. You're running to a woman when you should be running to ya mom.” 

“This is not a conversation we need to be having right now. Zayn could be looking for me. I got to go..” 

“Look, I don’t see how you can move on so easily!” Camryn yelled. I jumped back at the change in tone. Behind closed doors I could finally see for myself why Jermaine was still on the ground with his career. Camryn wanted him to be as small as her. She couldn’t grow with Jermaine. And that kept him stuck. 

“Camryn I do—“ 

“Jermaine!” I heard myself finally say. I missed my man and I needed him to console me. Especially after knowing I have nothing to worry about with Camryn. For now at least. I can trust Jermaine, it's her that I don’t trust. I made it seem like I had just come up the stairs. “I’ve been looking for you–” I pushed open the door to reveal myself to both of them. “Oh–” I gasped. Camryn smirked, hoping I would think it was more than what I heard. Conniving bitch. And to think I liked her in the past. This had nothing to do with my relationship with Jermaine, the way I heard her talking to him made me sick to my stomach. Did she always talk down to him? It left me wondering what Jermaine really thought of himself. He didn’t seem like the type to have low self esteem but now I  couldn’t tell. Why would he allow her to talk to him like that? 

“Wassup?” He walked over to me, examining my face. I smiled at him to let him know I was alright despite my heart racing. 

“You okay? You were gone for a while and I got lonely.” I laughed at how silly I sounded. Surprisingly he laughed as well, rubbing my arm gently as if we were the only ones in the room. Camryn cleared her throat when she noticed Jermaine hadn’t dropped his hand from my arm. We both turned to look at her. 

“I ran into Cam so I pulled  her up here to see what was up, right?” He asked Camryn. Camryn rolled her eyes, crossing her arms. 

“Whatever.” She spat. “Good luck with him.” She dryly chuckled before leaving the room. Jermaine quickly turned to me, grabbing my arm again. 

“You’re not mad are you?” He quickly asked me. I grabbed his hand into mine, pulling him into a hug, laughing at his nervousness. His body relaxed into mine when he realized I wasn’t tense. 

“Honestly, I heard most of the conversation and I couldn’t take it anymore so I stepped in, so I hope you’re not mad. Again, are you okay?” 

“Yeah,” Jermaine sighed, dropping our hands. My arms landed at my side and he walked further into the office. “Zayn, I think I love you.” He said to me, and it felt like my heart stopped for a second. 

“I know I love you.” I responded. A tear slid down Jermaine’s cheek and he didn’t move away to wipe it. 

“How can I love two women at once?” He asked me, more tears falling down his face now. I sighed and walked over to him. I pushed back his desk and sat in his broad lap. It reminded me of my childhood days going to take pictures with Santa. Jermaine looped his arms around my waist and I rested my hands on his hold. “I’m scared I’ma hurt you.” 

“Jermaine, I just got divorced. Ain’t no hurting me. Just tell me when you don’t wanna love me no more and I promise I’ma be alright.” 

“Alright.” Jermaine sniffled, finally wiping his face in one swipe like he was playing during a game or something. Shaking my head  I started to get up but he pulled me back. I sighed, resting into his body.

“Promise me something else too while we are at it,” I finally spoke when I noticed he didn’t want to continue the conversation. He just wanted to hold me. 

“Anything.” He groggily replied. 

“You won’t cheat on me?” 

“Never in this life.” Jermaine promised. I smiled, crying with tears of relief. Being affirmed made me feel so good on the inside. Los never let me get this vulnerable with him. I could understand why it's so hard for Camryn to let go. “Come on lets get back before they think we fucking.” Jermaine stood up with me still in his arms. I gasped, for real, at the gesture. He hadn’t done this before and I couldn’t lie being so high up with him turned me on. It's giving daddy. 

Camryn

If I could pick a day, a time, a night to die, it would be tonight. Not only did I lose Jermaine, but I lost him to the very girl I didn’t ever want to see him with even if we weren’t together. Let’s not pretend, Los married Zayn for a reason regardless of his history of cheating. She gave wife material. Any man that wanted her knew she looked like the type that wasn’t going for nothing. I, on the other hand, gave ‘ride or die’. I was down for anything. Maybe I needed to change that. I literally pushed the man into her arms. 

She was beautiful and walked and moved with grace. Her face was so pretty and seemed smooth. Granted I was bad, but I was jealous. I know the type of woman Jermaine wanted. I was out of his league so him giving me the time of his day was a privilege. I blew it all over wanting to be able to afford him. 

Yes, I started seeing a therapist per Tanelle’s request. She said she grew to love me over the weeks, but she wasn’t licensed to properly deal with my emotions. Her ways were unhealthy and she didn't want to be that friend known for allowing crazy things to happen. Seeing a therapist helped me to get to the root of a lot of things. The main reason I was after having my own is because I hadn’t in the past. The other reason was because it was depressing being with a man you couldn’t buy the things he was buying you except with his own money. I was tired of that. I wanted to cash out on him and have him know it came from something I worked for. When I got here I was lost again. 

I didn’t tell him but the first few nights without him were hard. I cried every night and by night three, suicide ideation had evolved in my head. I didn’t act on it but it definitely lingers for nights like this. 

That’s why I put on this hard front when I got here and put so much space between us. I didn’t know it at the time, but my therapist, Dr. Linskey said that it was healthy what I did. I was going through something called separation anxiety but it had actually made me sick. I was now taking antidepressants and things were going up for me, including work. Though I wasn’t where I wanted to be, Tanelle helped to show me routes she would take if she were in my position as well as help me score some big clients. So far I had 50,000 I had saved up on my own. Feeling too attached to Jermaine, I recently got another condo closer to where Tanelle lives. Come to find out Tanelle lives in an upscale neighborhood. The lots are preplotted so most of the time you’re having all the say in the design of your new home. I wasn't quite ready for a commitment like that mentally, but I did deserve my own chosen space. This condo was spacious and had a great view of the city. It was quite romantic, and though I hadn’t even thought to start dating again, on some lonely nights the thought of being laid up crosses my mind. 

She also suggested I unfollow him but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Jermaine simply held a spot in my life no man can fill right now and that's how it's going to be. Finding out he's with Zayn hurts but I can give that some time. I do wish them the best, but I can tell by the way he was hesitant with me that he misses me and that he was choosing his words carefully. He doesn’t want to hurt me. He just wants to be happy and my baby deserves that. So if Zayn is giving him happiness I can sit back until we cross paths again. Call me delusional but that conversation was far from a door being closed. In fact, we had a lot of feelings to discuss but we’re both too stubborn to act on it. 

Finding my way over to Ms. Kay I walked over and took the empty seat beside her. She looked at me concerned, observing the sullen look on my face. 

“What's the matter?” She asked after a while. The party was starting to end, you could tell by the way people were slowly moving towards the door. That means we would be leaving too. This is supposed to be our house, I thought as tears began to well up in my eyes.  “Camryn?”

“We talked. “ I cried. Ms. Kay immediately stood up and pulled me into a hug. I cried into her chest as she rubbed my back and repeatedly told me over and over again that everything would be alright. 

“It didn’t go how you expected?” Ms. Kay asked me. I quickly shook my head and she sighed at my words. She still had hopes for us too. It was hard but after a while I finally reached out to Ms. Kay about two months after our breakup. Ever since then we talked almost every day, and if not at least once a week. We loved each other and found ways to bond outside of Jermaine. Kay always hoped for a time when she would have a daughter in law to bond with, since she didn’t have any daughters of her own. 

“Ma,” Jermaine called before I could speak. He was a little confused to see her hugging me but he didn’t speak on it. I wiped my eyes and stood up, avoiding his eyes. They were burning a hole through my head, but he had Zayn’s hand in his. “You wanna stay the night? I know you didn’t drive here and I don’t know how you would feel if I didn’t invite you, but you’re welcome to stay with us tonight.” Zayn shifted nervously beside him upon hearing him say “us”. What did he mean ‘us’? Were they already planning to live together?? Now he was just doing too damn much. I got something for that ass. 

“No, son. I’m gonna catch Camryn on the way out since we were just talking. Is that okay?” 

“Yeah, ma.” Jermaine smiled at her. “You are grown, and besides I know yall love each other I wouldn’t want y'all not to.” I looked at Zayn again to see if she cared. Her face was a permanent poker face. She mastered hiding her emotions in the public eye. I needed to be like her. 

“Well good night, and it was nice meeting you again dear.” I watched as Ms.. Kay walked over to Zayn and hugged her before hugging Jermaine. I loved that Ms. Kay loved her son enough to be able to handle him moving on but still communicating with his ex. It said a lot about her character and I knew that I would hold a different spot than Zayn. Hell, I came before she could even be thought about. This is probably nothing to us. 

We’ll be back right in no time. We gotta be. 

Jermaine

Tonight was amazing. But I had one more goal I had to accomplish before I could toast to my new house. I sat up when I heard the water to the shower cut off. Zayn decided to take the late shower because her lactose ass couldn’t stop with the cheese crackers. She wanted to be sure everything was out of her system before  she showered and got comfortable. 

“Whatchu doin?” I asked her when I noticed she was slipping her now dry body into some sleep shorts, ready to pair it with whatever shirt of mine she felt like wearing tonight. 

“Putting clothes on, wassup?” 

“You didn’t hear me?” I asked her, knowing I hadn’t said anything. She smiled sweetly at me, finishing pulling up her shorts. Her breasts were still exposed. It's crazy we’re so comfortable around each other and still haven't had sex. Tonight that was about to change.

“No, what did you say?”

“I said….” I stood up, my rock hard member following me. Zayn's eyes widened. “I wanna make love to you…right now.” Zayn's eyes fluttered and I could tell I left her speechless. Yeah this was finna be a good ole time, I thought to myself as I walked over to her. She backed into the wall and I laughed. “Damn girl, just say no.”

“No–” I backed off, ready to put my clothes back on. “NO Jermaine. It's not that.” She pulled my arm back to stop me. “I’m just….scared.” 

“My bad, I forgot you damn near a virgin again.” 

“That's not funny Jermaine.” She rolled her eyes. 

“I’m just tryna lighten the mood, bae come here.” I pulled her to me. This time she was more relaxed. I rubbed her exposed back, pushing her chest into mine. Skin to skin felt amazing with her. Her breaths were rising as she anticipated my next move. I walked her over to my bed and laid her down. She looked up at me, that scared look still on her face. “Tell me when to stop, at any moment and I’ll stop.” I requested. She nodded, lying her head back and looking at the ceiling. Smirking, I got down on my knees and became eye level with her kitty. It was so pretty, and slightly moistened, you could see it. Though she may say she's scared, she has been waiting on this forever. She was desperate to know what I felt like. It had been years since she felt real sexual pleasure. She knew I wasn’t going to disappoint. 

I took a deep breath, pushing back my own nervous thoughts as I dived face first into her sex. She instantly jumped back and let out a whimper. I took my free hand and caressed her legs to relax her as I licked on her like I hadn’t had anything to eat. Zayn was sweet. I listened happily as Zayn moaned and cooed at my  actions. She was in heaven and this was just the beginning. Without any thought, I slipped two fingers into her. I almost forgot who I was fucking. 

“Oww.” Zayn pushed my fingers out. I laughed and sat up. 

“Damn girl.” I gasped. Zayn was soaking wet. “You wet as hell ... .what you scared of when you're dripping like a faucet?” Rolling her eyes she sighed and prepared herself for whatever is next. 

“Condom or no condom?” I asked her seriously. I knew we were both good but  I didn’t want to assume she was comfortable going all the way for our first time. I was prepared for either option and didn’t mind whatever she chose. 

“No condom is fine. I was with you when you went to get tested. I trust you.” I nodded and got on the bed, hovering over her. I guess missionary was only right for the mood I wanted to set. 

“Go slow.” She warned, I nodded again pushing slowly at her entrance. She grabbed both of my elbows bracing herself. Once I was inside good enough for my liking I began slowly stroking her. She felt amazing. Wet, soft, hot. Everything a nigga been needing in the moment. I wasn’t pussy crazy but some good consistent pussy drove a nigga crazy. 

I watched her face as I continued to stroke her. She was enjoying my every move. Moaning and gasping. 

“I think I’m finna cum…” She moaned after a few more strokes. I leaned down, kissing her collarbone. 

“Cum on your dick. It's official. You mine Zayn.” And with that she whimpered and her body began to shake under me. I watched as she squeezed her eyes shut and continued to ride her wave. Once she came down, she looked back up at me with teary eyes. 

“Thank you for that.” She cried. I kissed her tears before quickening my pace. Before you know it I was reaching my peak. I pulled out and finished in my hand. I panted, getting off the bed to go wash my hands. When  I was done I went back with a warm rag to wipe her off with. She smiled at me when I was finished as  I shot the rag into the hamper across the room. 

“Where is that during the game?” She laughed at me. I shook my head, laying beside her. 

“Cut it out, you know I am on my game most of the time…I don’t know what's been going on lately.” 

“I hear you.” Zayn rolled over onto her stomach. If she kept that up we would be having another round in just a second. 

“How are you feeling?” I asked her. Zayn looked at me, fluttering her eyes. I took that as a good thing. 

“Great, a huge relief has been lifted. I feel like I’m floating.” She replied, smiling at me before leaning her head up and placing a kiss on my lips. 

“I’m glad I could do that for you.” I spoke to her honestly. Zayn felt amazing. I couldn't lie. I wouldn’t mind doing it a little longer but I was fine. That’s how good it was. Plus all that moaning boosted a nigga ego. That would do it for any man. 

Open POV

Jermaine Cole And Azayn go public. 

The following spread were pictures of the couple last night at Jermaine’s housewarming. They looked like they were shocked to see the turn out. Every picture you could see the death grip he had on Zayn’s hand. Camryn’s jaw tightened as she scrolled through the article reading about the night's turnouts. Luckily she wasn’t reported having been there. If she had, it would have been embarrassing. 

Just as Camyrn was getting ready to finish packing so that she could catch her afternoon flight back to Cali, her phone  began to ring in her hand. She was shocked to be reading Jermaine’s name across the screen. She cleared her throat and answered the call. 

“Hello?” She spoke into the phone. 

“You still in town?” Jermaine's voice came through the phone. 

“I am. I leave around one in the afternoon.” Camryn told Jermaine. 

“Can we meet for lunch or whatever you want to do before you go?”Jermaine asked Camryn. Camryn’s heart began to pound. After just reading that article she was shocked to hear he wanted to go to lunch. She couldn’t get her hopes up though, she had to remember there were plenty of things left unsaid between them. 

“Cam?” 

“I’m here. Where do you want to meet?”

“I’ll send you the location. I’m about to head out in about 15 minutes, it's an hour drive so that gives you time to get ready…or you need more time?” Jermaine inquired, remembering how long it took to get Camryn ready sometimes. 

“An hour is more than enough time, and I can finish packing.” 

“Okay, see you in a lil bit.” Before Camryn could confirm he had hung up the phone. She shook her head then got up to get dressed. Once she was satisfied with not looking like she was trying too hard, she finished packing.She didn’t pack much since there was only a two day trip but she still brought a couple of choices with her usual needed outfits like night clothes. 

Shortly after she found herself scrolling, reading random posts on her phone until her phone vibrated in her hand. It was the location from Jermaine. She got up and slid on her Gucci slides.   

Within thirty minutes, Camryn was pulling into the parking lot of the restaurant. She got out of the car, nervous for whatever was about to take place. Upon entering the restaurant she quickly spotted Jermaine. She waved at the hostess, then pointed at Jermaine. Camryn began walking towards him. 

“Hey,” she spoke once in ear range. Jermaine finished his conversation on the phone before standing up and pulling out Cam’s chair. “Thank you.” She said once she was seated comfortably. 

“No problem.” She noticed that he ordered them some water and quickly took a sip of hers after inserting the straw into the clear glass that was sweating with condensation. “So, I wanted to clear some things up and finish our conversation from last night.” Jermaine got straight to business once the waitress had walked away with their order. Cam nodded, waiting for him to continue. “I love you  Cam, Ima always love you…no doubt. But moving on has nothing to do with you. I was lonely, you left a spot I needed to fill.”

“So she's a rebound until you miss me too much?” Camryn chuckled. 

“No, I love Zayn.” Jermaine watched as Cam’s smile suddenly disappeared. “I want you to know that I realized that last night, and I told her. She loves me just as much, Cam. We’re in love. I’m so sorry.” Tears began to creep down Camryn’s face. She couldn’t stop them if she tried.  “Dont cry…” Jermaine nearly whispered. 

“It's… it's just hard to hear. That's all. I promise Ima be okay.” She told him, retrieving some tissue from her purse. He watched as she wiped away the tears. For the first time he really looked at her. He sighed. She was beautiful to him in her own way. To the world too, but Jermaine looked at her like a goddess. He could tell he was her happiness, she hadn’t been keeping up with herself like she used to. Especially her hair. 

“I’m so sorry.” Jermaine apologized again. 

“It's okay. I just miss you as a friend too Jermaine. You were more than my boyfriend in the end. When I lost you, I lost my best friend too. It's hard knowing someone else I know and seen personally is getting that. It would be easier if I didn’t know her or never seen her..” 

“Stop beating yourself up.” Jermaine said with a tight lip. 

“I’m in therapy, she says the same thing.” Camryn laughed, her emotions subsiding a little. 

“Really?” Jermaine smiled at her. She nodded in response. “That’s great, at least you are dealing with your emotions.” 

“You aren’t dealing with yours?” She asked. Jermaine had become like Zayn in no time with masking things. She used to be able to tell when he was going through something. She couldn’t tell right now. 

“Nah, not like I should. Zayn and I talk every few months as a check in but that’s the only time I lay everything out.” 

“I know this may sound crazy since I was just crying over you a few minutes ago…but talk with her more often. Talk with her Today. Talk to her about this. About us.” Camryn couldn’t help but smile at the “us” word rolling off her lips. Jermaine caught it but decided not to speak on it. 

“Ima try it but if it don’t work I’m never taking advice from you again.” Jermaine told her. By this time they were done eating. Neither one wanted desert so Jermaine waved the waitress down so that he could pay. 

“It was good seeing you. Honestly.” Cam said knowing their time may be coming to an end after all. She sighed not knowing when the next time she would speak to Jermaine and for what reason. 

“You too. Take care Cam. And don’t worry bout me. Ima be straight.” He assured her. She nodded back. She could feel her eyes welling up again so she stood up ready to leave. 

“Good bye Jermaine.” She barely spoke above a whisper. 

“Goodbye Camryn.” 

[saintlevrant]

NSFW USHIJIMA (KINDA)

Tried something new for the month of love. Don't worry about the anatomy... it's gonna stay trash. Cropped for obvious reasons.

[xxblackballoonxx]

Electric: J&Gem Chats 16

Chapter 17: Betrayal J&Gem Chats 15

Chapter 18: Chain

[judysxnd]

Risking everything - part one

Okay so I guess I finally got some motivation to write the imagine I had in mind for a while now. I even got a bigger idea as I started writing. Hope you’ll like it! As usual I don’t like what I do, so I think it’s shitty.

Warnings: mention of domestic violence

sum: you have a violent father who tries to keep you as close as possible to him, especially since he discovered that you started dating J. He knew about his family, which you didn’t. One night your father has to leave for “business”, but he doesn’t leave you alone, and has paid two guards to stay with you. You got rid of them and you managed to stay at J’s place. But it won’t go as planned.

_______________________________________________________________________

“I told you once already, you stay away from that boy!” My father yelled. I was currently in the kitchen. My father had heard about me dating Joshua Cody some time ago. He warned me if I stayed with him I didn’t dare say a thing yet.

“I don’t want you to be close to his family, and-”

“I didn’t even meet his family!”

“I DON’T CARE” my father yelled as he step really close to me. I closed my eyes, scared he would touch me again. My heartbeats were going on like crazy, I thought my heart would just burst out of my chest. “you stay away from him, or I’ll make you” I opened my eyes again, meeting with his. I recognised this expression, the one he had when he locked me up in my bedroom for a few days. I was shaking with fear. “Got it?” I nodded. “I need you to say it” he said holding my face, forcing me to look directly at him.

“I got it” he smiled.

“good. now go to your bedroom” I left without saying anything.

I haven’t seen J in a couple days already, and it was killing me. The relationship we had was making this shit so worth it. We’ve been seen each other for a couple months. I was surprised my father didn’t say a thing before, maybe he didn’t know. Whatever. He was now, and I didn’t know how to tell J. I don’t have my phone anymore, nor my tablet. I just had my computer, but it’s controlled.

I was laying in bed, fighting the urge to cry, when I heard footsteps, then the door suddenly opened. It was my father, if I could call him that.

“I have to leave for a while. But I’m not leaving you alone” then two massive guys showed up behind him.

“guards??? seriously???”

“what did you expect?” he smiled. “I can’t let you alone and you know that.” he then left. The two guards stayed still, looking at me. I sat in my bed, not being able to do anything else. Then I heard a car leaving.

Wherever I was going in the house, I had those two guys following me. They were staying so close to me it was so annoying.

“You know I’m not stupid, I’m not going to leave” They didn't say anything. I went to my bedroom. “Can I at least close the door to have intimacy?” They looked at each other. One guard stepped inside, went to check the bathroom and then the windows, then went back in the corridor.

“Don’t lock it. We’re not going anywhere, we’re staying here” I simply closed the door.

“I need to find a way out of here” I whispered. I went to the window.

“too high” then I had an idea.

“SHIT” I said out loud, the door suddenly opened.

“what happened?”

“I- no, nothing, I just remembered that I have this project for tomorrow with my friend”

“then do it”

“didn’t you hear me? I said it was with my FRIEND dumb ass. I need to go to her place so we can finish it”

“no”

“I can’t even talk to her ! I don’t have a phone ! I can’t do anything on my computer ! If I fail this, my father will not be happy about it. And you know who he’ll blame? You guys, because I will tell you that you refused to help me” They didn’t say anything for a moment.

“Fine. But make it quick”

“I’ll need to stay there for the night.”

“No way”

“how do you want us to write an entire essay in just a few hours?” they rolled their eyes.

“you can check my location with my computer and you’ll know what I’ll be doing on it, I won’t go anywhere, I promise”

“Fine”

I finally arrived at my best friend’s place. She knew most of my situation. She wanted to say something to the police and all, but I begged her not to do anything. He is bribing them, so it would come back at us. I rang at the door.

“y/n? What are you doing here?”

“I’ll explain, let me in please” I quickly went to her bedroom. She followed me.

After some time, I finally told her everything.

“that was genius, those guards are dumb as hell”

“tell me about it. Can I use your phone? I need to speak to J” she smiled

“no problemo, you can even tell him to come” I looked at her.

“now you’re the genius one! I wanted to try and sneak out of here”

“very risky, it’s less dangerous if he comes”

“thank you”

half an hour later, I heard knocking on the window. We both turned to see J. I ran to the window to open it. When he was fully inside, I hugged him tightly.

“I missed you so much”

“Me too” he said “where have you been? you weren’t at school today”

“I need to tell you everything J” he was kind of confused.

“I’ll leave you two alone” you best friend said.

For the next twenty minutes J and you were sitting on the bed. You were explaining him everything.

“I can help you y/n”

“J, I appreciate that, but you can’t. He is armed and violent, it’s not a good combination”

“now it’s my turn to tell you the truth”

“huh?”

“Your dad is kind of right to make you stay away from my family”

“What?”

“They- we.. rob places, my grandmother, smurf, she is paying a lot of people, she has an entire business, so when I say we can help, it means we can”

“I don’t know what to say”

“Just say yes. Y/N, you can’t stay in that situation, he locked you up, he beat you, that’s not acceptable. I won’t let that happen to you again.” You smiled. He was so protective over you, and you liked it. You hesitated for a moment. You thought about your past. Yes your dad was a bad person now, but he wasn’t always like that. Before your mom died, he was the opposite.

“yes” J was kind of surprised, but he was happy.

“Okay, we need a plan. To protect you, you need to come with me.”

“I have two guards outside waiting for me” he hesitated “maybe I can go back home, and sneak out, you pick me up and then we’re good.”

“No no, I don’t want you to go back there”

“I know, but we can’t do it here. I don't want to put my best friend in danger. They’ll go after her if something happens here. Plus, I could take my stuff at my place”

“Fine.”

“If I leave now, in an hour you can pick me up, is it okay?”

“okay, I’ll park not to close to your house, but I’ll wait under your window so you can give me your stuff”

“Are we really doing this?” J cupped your face with both of his hands.

“Yes we are” You kissed him passionately. He was doing this all for you. Risking his life, his family, for you. It meant so much.

After explaining everything to your best friend, J left, and you were heading outside too.

“be careful” she said.

“I’ll tell you everything once I’m settled”

“I love you”

“I love you too, and be careful too, they can come asking questions.”

“Don’t worry about me”

I walked towards the car where the guards stayed. I opened the door and sat.

“We can go now”

“I thought you said you were staying the night”

“I know, but we finished early, and I’m not feeling really well” we left.

An hour later, I packed most of my stuff, and was waiting for J to show up. I had kept my window open so I could hear him coming. I was laying on my bed, when I heard footsteps outside. When I went to check, I saw J which made me smile. He made a sign so I could give him my stuff. I grabbed my bags and threw them outside. After he got everything and brought it to the car, he came back, I was about to try to go outside when the guards knocked at my door.

“shit” I whispered. I went back inside and told J to hide. I then went at the door. “Yes?”

“What are you doing?”

“Nothing”

“Why your window is open?”

“Got hot”

“it’s not”

“I didn’t say it was. I say I was”

“Close it”

“I will, now if you’ll let me, I said earlier that I didn’t feel well, so I’m going to bed” I was about to close the door, but the guard stopped me.

“don’t close the door”

“I’m not sleeping knowing you’re at my door watching me”

“closed or not we’ll be here”

“with the door close I won’t see it. And you said it, opened or not, you’ll be here”

“you better not try to do anything”

“good night” I said closing the door. I waited a few minutes, then I closed the window, but I closed it from the outside. After a few minutes and a lot of thinking I was downstairs. I don’t know how I got down but I did.

“You did it” said J, smiling.

“Let’s get out of here before they find out” J took my hand and we ran away.

We finally arrived at his place. I went there a few times, but we were always alone, his family was never around. It meant I was going to meet them. It was past midnight, and no one seemed to be sleeping. We arrived in the kitchen with all my stuff. An old lady was waiting for us, I guessed it was his grandmother.

“Hi baby” she said “how do you feel?”

“good, but I probably think it’s the adrenaline, I'll be panicked in a minute” she laughed.

“don’t worry, you’re safe here”

“are you sure? My dad is very dangerous”

“where do you want me to put those?” a man interrupted us. He was holding two big guns.

“put them on the table with the others” then I saw the rest of it. There were guns every where.

“What is this for?” I said.

“I told you you were safe here” she said “we’re going to protect you” she put her arm around my neck “now you need to rest, go with J to your bedroom” I turned to face J, then I followed him.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

“Is it weird that- I wasn’t scared ?”

“Scared of leaving?”

“Yeah, but, also- all those guns, I wasn’t scared, it made me feel safe”

“no it’s not weird” he smiled. I was sitting on his bed, he sat next to me.

“you know that my dad has probably the same stuff on his side, and he won’t mind use it”

“that’s why we got this, we won’t mind use it too” I looked at him.

“Thank you, for everything, for risking your life, risking everything for me” he simply smiled and kissed me.

“Come on, let’s go to bed, you deserve it”