#i never made contact either
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The Fermi Paradox or Silentium Universi (silence of the universe) refers to the fact that humans see no evidence of other civilisations in the galaxy, human or otherwise.
Some people say Dolphins are an intelligence other than humans.
Australian Cosmologist, Charles Lineweaver states that when considering any extreme trait in an animal, intermediate stages do not necessarily produce "inevitable" outcomes.
For example, large brains are no more "inevitable", or convergent, than are the long noses of animals such as aardvarks and elephants. As he points out- "dolphins have had ~20 million years to build a radio telescope and have not done so".
#science#fermi paradox#silentium universi#quote#charles lineweaver#dolphins#hhgttg#i haven’t built a radio telescope#i never made contact either#apologies
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Ok so apparently anything I post that isn't just text just, won't appear in the tags. Good to know. As an artist.
#what I always wanted#let's hope it's just a glitch#because my morning posts never showed up in the tags either#maybe I did something wrong? idk. I contacted support and they never replied back#:(#not art#text#I'm living a crisis halp#is anyone else having this problem?#also it made me unfollow a mutual wth
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struggling again with extreme artblock and general demotivation (as in nothing seems fun or appealing and you sit around staring at nothing doing nothing bc apparently no matter what i do whether drawing or not drawing i end up like this now)
i started to watch skitties totk video (again) and wrote a big post about how much i hate how the gorons are treated there but saved it as a draft like i have been doing with several rants now in order to not spam people with it over and over
but it does end up feeling like talking to a wall and just kinda .. increasing this looming feeling of extreme loneliness i have been fighting with for .... since i left school really..
#ganondoodles talks#personal#i know i know this is my own doing#i never go out and have enormous trouble keeping in contact with people or answering messages#i never ever mean it mean#it feels like my battery is never above 10% charged no matter what i do#and answering messages often takes too much#which just makes this whole problem worse#its like a spiral making everything worse and idk how to fight it#maybe meds would help me#but if i have trouble even answering an ask i cant try to start the process of getting diagnosed with whatever hundreds of things-#-that are wrong with me#also being afraid of being put under surveillance or something for it doesnt help either#also fearing wrong meds doing wrong things bc i am weird#also afraid of not taking any meds bc that can reduce your lifespan if you are weird like me or something#which ........................... adds dread and guilt and doesnt help either#sometimes i wonder how i am evn still alive#the only reasons why are probably -luck- and being too much of a coward to end it all back when i was at the worst point of my life#bc i am not strong or resilient and getting through the worst .. so far .. hasnt made me stronger- just weaker and more pathetic#idk why im rambling all this in the tags- it must be exhausting to read .. i know it is#ill just go back to staring at a wall
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i currently have a half-baked theory about alastor…
ok so in the finale, he said that he wants freedom, meaning he has been restricted in some way. but as far as we’ve seen and can tell, he is basically free to do as he wishes. and of course there’s the theory with lilith being the one owning his soul, which he might have traded away to gain such insane amounts of power. but what has he ever done that didn’t seem to be in his best interest?
charlie.
yea, yea, i hear you and your sassy clips of him saying he’s helping the hotel simply for boredom’s sake and that he enjoys watching people try to do something meaningful but then fail in the process but! that would imply that he’d done so before, but we have never, not once, ever heard that he even dabbled in such a thing. (and don’t you dare try to tell me that he actually cares about charlie, the man is the most manipulative, sadistic little mf i’ve ever seen, and that’s saying something because i’ve seen miraculous ladybug and hate liela rossi as much as anyone else.) the only things we know about his past is that he appeared in hell very suddenly with lots of power, he toppled countless overlords overnight, and his radio podcast killed tons of demons. nothing of this has to do with other beings in hell trying to make it better (as i highly doubt any of those overlords had good intentions since they were, well, overlords). but he doesn’t seem the type to do things meaninglessly, he always has ulterior motives.
but then if his excuses of entertainment are as flimsy as i’m making them out to be then why would he ever help charlie? well, i think that brings us back to lilith. it’s far from a rarely-noticed detail that the length of alastor and her’s disappearances were for the same amount of time and while we know that lilith spent that time in heaven (if that even is lilith, but idk enough about that theory so i’m just gonna assume that it’s her and that she’s been in heaven the whole time), we don’t have a smack-dab CLUE as to what alastor was up to during his vacay. then he just shows up out of nowhere, at the idealistic princess of hell’s doorstep of all places.
well, i’ve had a sneaking suspicion for a while that lilith’s deal (at least part of it), in exchange for his power, was to help charlie in some way. i’m thinking that’s why he seemed so torn-up about how he almost ‘died for his friends’. he doesn’t care for any of them (except maybe nifty but i think that’s just bonding over shared mania (i think rosie (and maybe zestial) is the only one he truly, honestly cares about, but i get the feeling that even that relationship is pretty business-based)).
we have no idea what lilith is like, we have absolutely zero characterization of her except for what charlie explains about her in episode 1, that she’s passionate and hardworking and stubborn and independent—qualities that charlie mostly has in abundance. so i would say that she’s cared about charlie this whole time but due to whatever is keeping her in heaven, she can’t help her, except that lilith seems a little too malevolent to care about charlie’s hotel. why would she? she fell in love with a dreamer who shared her rebellious heart and for this, she was the first human soul cast into hell. she has never had any kind of reason as to why she would ever want to go to heaven, or anyone else for that matter (as she did work to make hell into the semi-civil place it is now). and we have no idea how close she and charlie were before she left (i suspect we’ll learn more about that in season 2), so we can’t assume that she’ll just support charlie, whatever her aspirations may be. so i honestly have no idea as to why lilith would enlist alastor to help charlie, but i am fairly convinced that this is the case of what’s happened.
thoughts?
#kin’s rambles#hazbin hotel#hazbin hotel theory#hazbin hotel thoughts#hazbin hotel alastor#alastor#hazbin hotel lilith#lilith morningstar#hazbin hotel charlie#charlie morningstar#also the fact that husk never noted his seven-year absence is…suspicous to say the least#he never made a quip like ‘dangit i thought youd finally died’ or anything that implied he’d known#maybe alastor was just keeping a low profile but needed to continue business and thus kept contact with a few of his contracted souls?#then again mimzy never mentioned his absence either… and i dont think rosie did#idk whats up with this man but dangit i hope we get answers
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if i had a dollar for every person who stopped talking to me bc i wouldn't sleep with them i'd have a goddamn house.
#lost another one lads 😑#i'm not saying this as a 'humble brag' either idk if it could read like that but. god.#you may also say 'bana is it possible you're just annoying or it's coincidence?' no bc contact ends or slows to an end after rejection#one time someone unsolicited told me like 'you really should be dating' and like. okay first of all back off.#second of all listening to 'friends' for romantic/sexual stuff has only gone awful & life ruining for me and i don't recommend it to anyone#anyway. the way SOME people value or rather do not value me as a human being is staggering.#and i was raised to be made acutely aware of this before i really understood what it meant#so many things in my life just reinforce that i should never trust people or be seen by anyone which sucks & i have to believe isn't true#i'm not upset i'm just 😑 okay. it happen again. and again and again. and.#skelly speaks
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damn it feels so good to actually have friends who i feel safe around. like to have friends who im not worried that if they find out that i like "cringe" things they wont judge me. woah!!
@angry-avaocardo @silly1xxx @gollyimsosoevil
#appreciation post for my besties✨✨#also the tags got reallylong and rambly just me complainign about the ex friend and a quick update so feell free not to read them if you#dont wanna#theres nothing of substance in there lol#ugh god my old friend the one i made the really long post about asking for advice#i probably mentioned this but i never felt safe to talk about things i like with them#oh god i would never be able to show them defrag#and i probably wouldnt even be willing to ramble about like. the arg or smth to them#id be too worried of them making fun of me#but also they had a way of making it so i hung out with them the most even tho i didnt want to#“me and friend are going to the canteen you two wanna come?”#“[with none of my input] no me and Charlie are staying here”#the only person i felt safe talking about my interests to was a friend that i made when trying to move away frrom the toxic one#a friend who they would consistently ask if i was replacing them with and was so fucking jealous of him#in fact that friend is gollyimsoevil yea that guy#hes great he likes gay addison shit so yk bestie#also they were so good at guilt tripping that now i use their guilt tripping tactics on myself to try and get myself to do things lol#and they would make fun of me so often but GOD FORBID I MAKE FUN OF THEM#they were making fun of me to another person a few /years/ ago so i made some snarky comment about them#because i was really upset by them making fun of me#and they brought it up to me like 2 months ago before we cut them off#like dude you mock and make fun of everything i do so much that ive just stopped talking and completely zoned out whenever im around you#and youre holding some snarky remark that i made when we were like 11 /because you were making fun of me/#UGH#oh ye update on that if anyone cares it went fine they seem to have moved on and are just hanging out with different people now#they havent made any attempt to contact any of us but also havent cut us off#i havent cut them off either ive just left it#i catch them giving me and the other two friends who used to be friends with them dirty looks#but i kinda just ignore it#i have like 5 friends my age who are much much much nicer than them
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breakups are so fucking weird. three years and just like that it's gone. huh
#helix.txt#gross i ended up spilling my guts in tags. look at them fucking writhing on the floor all bloody#dont rb please#vent#to quote fall out boy i knew it was over i just didn't know the date#yeah that's it. fall out boy can fix this.#i will feel better if i go listen to bang the doldrums#and infinity on high in general#and folie a deux. folie a fucking deux how i love that album#my chem will make me better. gerard way save me#god what a weird feeling. you used to know me better than any other person but then you moved hundreds of miles away and it worked#for a while. then two years later you said it wasnt working and that this was best for both of us. guess i never got the memo for that one#hope we treat other people better because i wasn't as kind as i should have been towards the end and you were never as thoughtful or con-#-siderate as i needed towards the end. we grew apart because you're bad at keeping contact over messaging#and in some ways the cracks in the foundation that grew from that were my fault too i guess. our conversations always felt one sided#maybe i was smothering you#you could never seem to keep more than a passing recollection of the things i liked or even pay much attention to them#but i wasn't great about that either#we just became different people. you weren't what i wanted or needed and you couldn't do long distance. whatever#i know it was the right thing i just wish it hadn't made me feel so damn awful#will we still talk after this? who knows. we didn't end on bad terms but things are definitely weird#and considering your track record with people you can only talk to online i'm not optimistic#you tried to break things off initially by saying you'd said you would improve in the past with nothing to show for it#something i didn't disagree with but i said it didn't bother me much. and it didn't#but it's complicated now. i did deserve better. but you made it clear i'm not getting it from you#you weren't as present or thoughtful as i needed#i wasn't there in person the way you needed and certainly not as considerate as i should have been. and for that second part i'm truly sorr#anyways. sorry. i'd been thinking about it for a long time anyway. i didn't want to admit it because i didn't like to think#about what it might bring. maybe i should have been braver#right. that's enough
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one of my controversial take about DA is that, independently to whether i like him or not in DAO or the books, Loghain is literally the best Warden companion you can have to play HLTA.
I'm sorry but Hawke hitting him with "you just can't imagine a world without the wardens even though it's probably what we need" and seeing Loghain firmly defend the Wardens because "i betrayed the order once and it cost me everything -- i won't do it ever again" is the most emotional draw you could have in HLTA compared to Stroud and Alistair's unwavering faith in the Wardens.
#i never spared him in DAO mostly bc i can't handle Alistair's reaction#but i tried the Loghain route once just to see and i was blown away by just how good it is narratively speaking#HLTA... i have mixed feelings about this quest and my biggest problems come from Hawke and the Warden#but Loghain being the Warden contact actually lessen most of those problems because it genuinely makes this part engaging#like it's no commentary on his actions on DAO#(hell im half scared to post this bc man people are vicious when you mention anything positive about Loghain)#but his arc in DAI??? genuinely the most engaging there is by a long shot#and if you leave him in the fade you have the Hard in Hightown Epilogue about who was left in the fade in Trespasser right?#i read them all. Loghain's is the only one that made me uncontrollably sob like a baby#genuinely Loghain's route (esp if you sacrifice him) has the perfect narrative#the way neither of the only wardens do#(Hawke's storyline alas is. still the one i have difficulties with.)#(i really need to retry it with my diplomatic Hawke bc i only did her once and the charismatic Hawke is getting on my nerve in dai)#i tried Loghain once out of curiosity and i genuinely can't see myself going back to either of the other routes since#i really need to do a dao playthrough where i spare him one day....#ichablogging dai
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#theres a decision that as a pet owner you hope you never have to make#and knowing that this decision had been made#for who grew from child to adult with me#for my company through YEARS of no friends. no school. no leaving the house. no contact w/ extended family. either alone or ignored at home#knowing this decision had been made; knowing when; knowing how hard its been against self blame and self hate#my best friend who'd offered again and again to be there for me and help in any way they can... left?#then. of all times. thats when my friend chose to disappear off with others. without a word. for days#i could write an essay breaking down our relationship and it still wouldnt convey how just..unexpected and horrible that is?#just. why choose then to leave? how - if thats someone you truly love or care about?#i didnt deserve that. i hope my forgiveness isnt expected because it will never be offered#odim
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i'm sure no ones shocked to find out i am yet again downloading more sims 3 cc
#yk when you spend hours downloading cc (for any sims game) and then when you actually open the game its like you have 3 things to pick from#and you're like HOWWW???#thats how i was when i opened my sims 3 game and had little to no makeup / contacts / freckles/beauty marks#so i decided to download some more and yet again i've spent an hour just downloading more hairs and clothes#im downloading some lipsticks rn tho#and i downloaded a few contacts and freckles/beauty marks already#i already made a sim the other day but i forgot how difficult uni is in ts3#so i was kinda thinking about making a sim to play the store world legacy with#i think it'd be fun#i've never played with a single store world b4 because when i was big into ts3 i was like 8-11#and i didn't know you could download the worlds for free#but now i got them all so!#time to experience them all for the first time :)#and hopefully make a cute new sim too#maybe i'll give them a cat/dog#i haven't made a pet recently either#i love ts3 sm if it keeps running smooth and i manage to get a decent sims style i might never go back to ts4#i say that now but i probably will#i just think ts3 is 10x more fun once you build up a decent sized cc folder#anyway back to dling cc weeeeeeee
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I know it’s bad bc he got a haircut and still want his stupidass :/
#we haven’t been scheduled together at in a way where we can just annoy each whenever we want in a while so instead every so often he’ll just#come stand behind our desk and either say dumb shit or not talk at all and I just.#like he came over when I had gone to check on the other site and when I got back he was saying to my coworker (they had never interacted)#oh I don’t need anything im just here (and then I walk around the corner and he goes from anxious to smiling) to harass them#so basically what if I killed myself.#fingers crossed he fucking is scheduled at sl this weekend but I think he said he isn’t? idk he was walking away when he said it and I#can’t hear for shit.#he came over while I was trying to fix one of our printers (so I was kneeing bc they’re on the ground) and I looked up at him to say#something and he made eye contact and then looked away so fast and did not look at me the rest of the interaction so like.#basically I need to [redacted] rn. it would fix both of us probably.#it’s so bad an obvious everytime we interact I think probably every one of my coworkers knows#prsnl#work guy -_-
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so tired of the everything :(((
#I've like. Never felt more alone#I feel myself drifting further and further from the people I do talk to#The things that make me happy are either kept from me or clearly made conditional#As if I'm a goddamn child#And everything transition related whenever it disappears everyone is like#Uh well I dunno have you asked someone else maybe you JUST FUCKING LOST IT#I can't get myself to do goddamn anything#My former therapist has been trying to no avail to get me to re-register for a php but I haven't been able to get myself to reach out#I haven't contacted a doctor#The times I could interact with people I want to i can't because I'm sick or some other fucking bullshit#My moms desperately trying to pray the gay outta me#And my dad doesn't want me going back to college so it looks like this is gonna continue for fucking ever#I'd really just rather#Stop l#I've had enough I just need a break#cw: suicidal thoughts#cw: suicide#cw: suicidal ideation#Sorry just ignore this#I'm not actually gonna do anything ill probably be fine tomorrow
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I have been running through the Abandoned Factory in P2 IS for like 4 hours now - not because I'm trying to find a specific demon - but because I'm trying to contact all the demons in the game with Jun and Taysuya to find out which of them are homophobic
#persona 2#there are about 7 of them that i cant find#and its bothering me#i dont think the game will let me go back to previous dungeons either#there are ones that im pretty sure are in the heart of xibalba though that i could go find that way#but i cant find Hel to save my life#and then theres a group of 3 that are supposed to appear in room 5 that i also just cannot find#i have come across both Nezha and Izanami though#yet not Hel#ive been recording all of it too#and i think i want to make a video about it#have i ever made a video before?#no#but i have the homosexual confidence that i will be able to#there are lots of fun little aspects to the contact that i had never seen before though#just from talking with all the different demons#lich and wanyudo were two of my favorites#they were like 'ah youre brothers'#and then when they got told they were wrong they were like 'oh sorry my bad'#and i respect them
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oh shit just noticed the only boy i’ve ever been into and who made me question for a long time about being lesbian or bi is liking a suspicious amount of wlw posts on twitter…
👀👀👀👀
…egg?
#not to speculate about his gender/sexuality but…#going through his likes and it’s a lot of sapphic anime fanart (the non overly sexualized ones) a few tweets from sapphic accounts etc#and like it doesn’t necessarily mean anything but i’ve always thought there was something queer about him#and i did ask once or twice if he was gay or bi but he said he thought about it but came to the conclusion that he was only into women#which tracks like he always seemed to genuinely be into girls#like i was his first kiss and it was real cute and he seemed to like it a lot and i did too#even though we never kissed again after that#again not to assign him a gender or whatever but IF he is trans it would explain a few things…#anyway he’s studying abroad so i haven’t seen him in a few years and only keep in contact via twitter so idk how he’s like irl rn#but really wish him the best either way!#also it’s funny that i noticed his likes now cause yesterday i was talking about sexuality with the girl i’m seeing#and i mentioned how he was one of the only things that kept me wondering about being bi until recently#my post#also as as addendum: by only boy i’ve ever been into i mean like after the age of 12 cause before that i had crushes that are prob comphet#OH MY GOD#i was looking through his tweets cause i was trying to see if he's been using any pronouns/gendered words to refer to himself lately#and he doesn't tweet much just likes stuff but a year ago he made a thread about going to a convention and in that thread he said:#'a guy got into the bathroom saw me thought he was in the women's bathroom let's goo'#and then complained about wearing heels for 12 hours for his cosplay#oh yeah#again not to assign a gender but it's looking like trans woman to me#will start adressing them as they/them in my head for now until i see them refer to themselves by gendered pronouns/words again#also their twitter name is their surname and not their given (dead?) name?? yeah... it's looking sus#don't wanna talk about this to anyone i know irl for fear of possibly outing them but dbsoafpdsnf#i wish i could let them know somehow that even though we haven't talked for a while i would support them 100% if they were to transition#it's not my place to do so so i won't but dsaoças sending them good vibes!!!
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#i! feel! so! disconnected! from everything and everyone#and it’s so god damn annoying#I either feel nothing at all or everything at once and I can’t balance it#but if I take the time to sit with the things I’m scared of I’ll just keel over I don’t have time for it#Im just on autopilot moving ahead#because I have to! if I don’t my fear will win from me and that will Not be pretty#and that’s what I’m so upset about like I didn’t get something I really wanted#and it’s fully because of anxiety but the alternative is WORSE#and the people involved don’t KNOW I have anxiety but I can’t tell them either because it will make them look at me differently and I can’t#afford them to. I can’t let that happen and I think this is the first time I’m realising how much it holds me back even after uni#and I’m so angry over it dndndnd so so so angry and if they KNEW how much I had gone through no one would ever doubt my ability to —#bounce back and take charge of a situation ever again. they’d know I can do that. But it’s too private to share so now it’s up to me to#BELIEVE it and just show them but it takes so much out of me every time#and if it weren’t for the pandemic I would’ve been much further along and if it weren’t for my fucking burnout I’d have been further along#and it weren’t for my Fucking dad I’d be further along. I’m just so mad#so mad that I have to undo and tackle so much when people just sail through things but for me EVERYTHING takes effort#also I have not seen or spoken to my dad since December and I have a wedding he’s attending and I can’t get out of it#and I constantly pingpong between ‘its for the best I broke off contact I needed the space to heal’ and ‘I am a horrible person for taking#his only daughter away from him instead of talking’#but I’ve TRIED the talking and he just never LISTENS????? and made me feel so unsafe in this world at all times#I’m constantly trying to undo all that and it’s exhausting and no one gets how much effort that takes and I can’t tell them either#like. not gonna unload my trauma on people but if they KNEW they’d get why I don’t always react optimally to things the way they do#aaarffggHhhhHHHhHhhh#also I’m not even enjoying festa I’m not tuned in at ALL and that’s also deeply upsetting but there’s no other way atm#Also. did a thing in PFPT today that. I feel complicated things and I’m just upset about the way my life’s been until now#its making me feel worse than I was expecting#oh AND I was on a trip with friends I’ve had for 16+ years and they all were so happy to be together#felt so connected with each other and it was familiar and safe and lovely they said#meanwhile I cried at 3am in the bathroom because I had never felt more alienated from them ever#I know who /I/ am and what I want and don’t want but the dissonance with the rest of the world….. what the fuck man. What is my place even
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This....semester is not.. going well so far
#my financial aid has disappeared since monday? i had grants from the state#and now i have 4k on my tuition bill#that if not paid in the next two hours#will drop me from my program#the office is of course closed at this hour#i got off work hours after it closed#my email wasn't working from Sunday until Tuesday Night on the WEEK OF THE SEMESTER STARTING#so i didnt see a TON of crucial emails#and the emails i Sent didnt go through#which means the people i needed to contact Never Got Anything I Sent#i was Supposed to start student teaching this week and i was Baffled by the lack of response by the teacher#guess he never heard from me#im starting my new job next tuesday and ofc didnt see anything from them until now either#wednesday i was in a jet lag fog but i went hard on stuff monday to prep for this and i wiffed#im So stressed and So upset#like ive had my trip tickets since September#i wasnt gonna back out of this#but even if i had i doubt it'd had made much difference#i really might be dropped from this semester im so#fuck#up to something#if shit hits the fan im gonna call my program director and cry on her shoulder a little bit#OH and my credit card double dipped on my bill this month and overdrafted my checking account so thats fun
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