#i need to figure out how to stop going through this spiral every couple of months bc it is exhausting and so so so stupid oh my god

[dandyshucks]

experiencing my bimonthly (every two months) morality spiral of "it's bad that i like men, why am i not as attracted to women, i must be a misogynist if I personally am not as often attracted to women as i am men"

i would say i need to go touch grass to get over it but unfortunately I do that at least once a day and it does not seem to help 😔 (this second paragraph is half joke)

[hypno-matt]

Taking Notes

CW: Spirals, Edging

This morning I was talking to @mastern3ro about my love of spirals, especially being made to watch one and then post about just how blank it made you feel.

So I decided to turn that concept into an even better one.

The task I was given for this was simple. Watch a spiral for 20 minutes while repeating the phrase "I'm a needy hypnotoy." Very basic.

The fun part, however, was that i decided to track howni was doing every few minutes, in order to properly show what a sub goes through when they spend such time staring.

I figured I could use the Notes App to record how I felt every now and then, while using my PC to do all the heavy hypno-lifting.

I sat down at my desk, and put on my favourite spiral from an array of almost a dozen, pairing it with a nice looping set of binaurals.

I pressed play, and began taking notes.

"Minute 1: The spiral is pretty and the binaural is great but nothing too far out of the ordinary so far.

Succint and to the point. As every great piece of information should be.

Nothing had really happened yet, besides me starting to repeat my mantra, very quickly finding a rythm that did not require much effort on my part.

I continued staring for couple of minutes, unaware of what was going to happen down the line.

"Min. 3: mm it feels nice, its hard to focus on the spiral, the hournal, the repeatimg amd the audio. It feels lile im cinfusimg himself ><

Im a needy hyonotoy.."

And here i had encountered my first problem. I had uknowingly overwhelmed myself. The audio, the video, the repetition and the note-taking were fine on their own, but too taxing for my brain combined.

I couldn't really stop now though, I didn't want to give up on this idea so soon. Besides, this overloading, while tiring, felt pretty great.

I had to keep going.

"Min 5;

I aasumed a better position, my legs sprea andd my baxk hucnhed iver. Hunchedf. Over? Is that how you sau it? Theres so much to keep track of and my brrtain is laggign.. i thinkk

Ik. A needy hypnoyy :)"

My brain was lagging. But it felt amazing. Arousing, even. So much so that i had decided to sink into my chair and spread my legs a little.

The overloading factor of this task was in full effect. It was already hard to remember to do everything. To listen, to stare, to repeat and to jot down what i was feeling. My voice began to trail off, the cadence that i had built up going away almost immediately.

"7: i gott caught up in takimg photos thw light of the apirall is so prettty ans so is my facee"

Just after the 5th minute I had noticed how adorable I looked. How relaxed my body was, and how much my eyes were fluttering.

Plus, the light from the spiral was coloring my otherwise dark room in warm pinks and purples. I would have been a fool if i didn't take a few photos, even it if overloaded me more.

"10:ii look so pretyyy im drooling..

Im turned on the lighht so i can photo myssefl"

By this point, my mantra had escaped my mouth, now only occupying space in my quickly fading mind.

I lazily turned on the light, ready to look at myself again, only to realize that the spiral was all i needed right now.

I was halfway through. I had to stare.

"12: toyyy neewdyyt wdsgiunggg rewlwqttong is aurkmaric drooolimgg"

Toy was needy,edging and relaxing. Drooling automatically, my thoughts slowly leaking out.

When did i start edging? Or touching at all really? I had forgotten, but i did not care.

"13 ddrrooollinng ii sshhoyld kbeell.

Oii ttottyyy"

What was once "I'm a needy hypnotoy" became reduced to "I'm toy". Maybe I took "succint" too far.

It didn't really matter though. Toy had to kneel. It's what seemed most proper. It's what seemed the hottest. It had to be done.

"15 beeetyer onn. Mym kenes

Im aneedy hypnotttoot im soo good"

Toy felt better on its knees. I felt so happy, so empty, my blank face more apparent now than ever.

Toy was beggining to become completely broken.

"17 mmfmcm imm so bbapnk imm a needy hoypnotoy

I forgot ot repeatt

Mmy mouutu iiis so drooollyy.."

After a few minutes of looking at itself through its phone's camera, toy realized that he had forgot his mantra.

Its mouth was occupied with drooling. It didn't have the brainppwer to do anything else.Toy went even blanker as he stared so intently at the spiral and himself.

"18 mminnn ttook liiikeww nn hoyrr"

The 18th minute did feel like an hour. Toy's mind couldn't really grasp time anymore. It was almost there, just 2 minutes left, but the time felt like it took ages.

Toy didn't mind. It loved staring. Listening. Drooling. Taking notes.

Toy obeyed.

"220000 oiikmm gonnww

Ttoyyy

.........."

And just like that, toy was gone. Its mind completely cleaned out, its body relaxed. It finished its task, and it felt great.

Toy closed its computer, and went to bed, repeating the words "needy hypnotoy" to itself until its mind returned about 45 mins later..

It had a great idea to write all this down. Just reading through, seeing the reactions and remembering them fully, it makes toy drop all over again.

I'm a needy hypnotoy. Please use me.

[pyreo]

I'm comparing the Dungeon Meshi manga to episodes I just watched and now I gotta capital-p Post about this one episode (spoilers past Episode 12)

So this part is an emotional side-step from the central throughline so far - Laios and Marcille got Falin back successfully and reunited, and they got that payoff from the very beginning where they thought it would be impossible. But Chilchuck is very much a part of these layers of development, so after that dragon finally dies, we stop for a second - Laios and Marcille are recovering, Falin has disappeared again - how does Chilchuck feel at that point?

It's the perfect stage to insert that because he didn't really share in that sense of victory in the same way as Laios and Marcille recovering someone extremely close to them. And that's on purpose because he keeps everyone at arms' length. As soon as that arc hits its end and Falin is recovered, there's at last space to ask - why is Chilchuck even here.

He's asking himself that through the chapter. Now that they've lost the person they intended to save, he regrets agreeing to come.

And starts shouldering responsibility for everything ending up this way. We saw that when he got stuck in the mimic room before - he refuses to let himself ask for help, or he'll try to take burdens alone to lessen relying on others. The original Touden Party was six people, and when Laios insisted on going back underground they were two, and he knew they would die, and figured maybe, maybe if they were one more, with his skillset, maybe they'd have a chance. He couldn't let them walk back down just to die.

And he's going back to that mindset - their lives are on me. He thinks he could have prevented this if he'd chosen differently. Essentially, the walk alongside the orc woman is him working through a guilt spiral.

He sees a second chance to correct that mistake of joining the party. He wants them out now, before they die. The orc asks him how they defeated a dragon and, in explaining it, he reminds himself of all the risky, ridiculous things they had to do, and he isn't satisfied with just getting lucky. Laios got his foot bitten off, on purpose! This proves to him that if they go any further they will not survive. And he hints at this dissatisfaction a couple chapters later, wishing his teammates prioritised things other than winning at all costs...

Like, obviously. The point of this chapter is Chilchuck pretending to be a self-serving coward. To the point where others react with disdain, even disgust, towards him because he wants to lie to Marcille and Laios to ensure they turn back. He's desperate to get out of a hopeless situation by any means necessary, and will destroy his standing in the group in a blink if it means nobody else dies. He has to go on a stupid mental health walk for his stupid mental health and talk through his little bout of panic and doubt.

'You called me a coward so don't be surprised when I act accordingly'

He needs someone very blunt to tell him 'dude you're not being a coward for wanting your friends to get out of hell alive. you're a coward for making excuses instead of honestly telling them your concern is genuine' and he BSODs about it. He needs to rant and externalise that frustration over their recklessness at a third party. He needs to scream that they are idiots because he's the only one for which the ends don't justify the means and he can't keep losing his mind over everyone's safety. Down to a point, the orc praises their ability to survive the explosion from the dragon's fuel sac, and it only justifies Chilchuck - Falin didn't even know she could cast the spell that stopped them all being killed, and they cannot continue getting lucky like this.

Anyway. The reason I stopped to think about it was this part-

Where he recovers Laios's monster-infused sword. The thing that made their situation in the dragon fight go from bad to worse, that he swore at Laios for in every language he knew. The most angry we'd seen him. And now he calmly picks it up and praises it for being the only one of them smart enough to make a run for it.

He's projecting, obviously. He's internalising the label of 'coward' and changing himself to fit it. And, look at him, he's so tired of this. It's evidence of his sheer exhaustion that his anger immediately disappears and he actually gives it a compliment. Him and Laios's sword, the group cowards, the only one who agrees with him.

Then, because he had a walk before getting into the argument, he's organised his feelings and drops all the walls and pretense and just says it.

There's a rule of writing where you contrast your high energy sequences with parts that are slow and mundane, to make the difference more apparent. I think that's why I like this bit so much. The fight against the dragon is long, and the emotional stakes are enormous. Right after that we have the bath scene with Falin and Marcille, and Laios ruffling Falin's hair, and this part that pauses everything to explore the stuff that Chilchuck finally needs to say. And it's wrapped in this neat little solemn journey to pick up their supplies and remember how it felt when all five of them had a meal around a real dinner table at last.

And because he doesn't resort to individualistic trickery, because he explains his point as a duty of care rather than pitting himself against the others, he gets backed up. Senshi agrees that they don't have the supplies to continue, and the orc lady mentions her brethren will return later and can give them support, all of which together breaks down Laios's singleminded devotion to his cause.

Personally I think the manga's better suited to comic timing, but in the anime you can get fleshed out little moments, like Laios's face journey as he realises the other three are making a good case for their survival.

This was my favourite part so far, and I like how both Chilchuck-centric episodes have separated him from the others. Because he won't reveal anything he's thinking otherwise. lmao

[sweetstars-posts]

SKINNY,

M. STURNIOLO x FEM!SINGER!READER

(if you don't want to be a singer, it could be anything in the public eye, it’s only mentioned a little!!)

WARNINGS — mentions of eating disorders, depression, anxiety, ALSO pet names (bc apparently that triggers ppl or smth).

a/n — this is a deep story based on billie eilish’s new song, skinny. as someone who faces troubles with eating, i wanted to make this for me and for those who need it <3

word count — 1.5k

(not proofread)

The rain is hitting the glass of my bay window as you stare helplessly out of it. The window opened a crack; the smell of fresh rain wafting into your room.

Your eyes are dull and lifeless — like you’re waiting for something that won't ever arrive. There's an aching feeling in your stomach, one that isn’t just nerves.

Your body ached as you haven’t moved from the soft plush cushions of the bay window for a couple hours.

Nothing in life felt appealing right now. The constant bodyshamming from the public eye got you back into a seemingly never-ending spiral.

People only seem to like you if you’re skinny. Eating was always a struggle, but now it almost feels like a game. Competing with yourself over and over again for trying to reach a certain weight goal that you won’t realistically achieve.

Everyone keeps saying you’re happier now. But are you? No. Complete sadness overtook you, but it was okay, because now you’re skinny.

But you also felt guilty.

You haven’t spoken to your boyfriend Matt in a couple days. You’ve been dating for 3 years and he knows every single thing about you. You still don’t have the energy to get up and try to find your phone which is nowhere to be found at the moment.

But knowing Matt, he probably knows what’s happening again. This seems to always happen. It’s like a record player that keeps repeating and repeating until the vinyl slowly starts to scratch and warp.

Your eyes falter slightly but they never seem to fully close. It’s like they can’t.

Your mind is racing 20 miles per hour but you can’t seem to comprehend a single word going through your brain.

The phone rings, the sound coming from somewhere in the mess of sheets on your bed.

A little while has passed and your phone still hasn't stopped. The obnoxious ringing made you even more aggravated. Yet somehow you felt stuck, like you couldn’t move to get your phone.

The sound absorbed into a dull hum from all the thoughts racing through your head.

You felt numb and lifeless. Like you were viewing yourself in a VR headset.

Time shaped into nothingness as your bedroom door creaked open. Your boyfriend, Matt’s, head peeks through the door.

His eyes soften as he sees your fragile figure on the soft cushions.

He closes the door behind him as he walks into the room. He makes a mental note to clean your room for you later. As he nears you, he sits on the floor, in front of the bay window.

His soft hands, grab your hands lightly, “I got you, it’s okay,” he finally breaks the silence.

Short jagged breath’s release your mouth, as you finally move your eyes away from outside, to him. He slowly moves to hold your head between his hands.

Tears slowly start to prick your eyes, yet you still don’t look away from him. Tears flow and flow, you have no control. Strangled breaths release, as you struggle to catch air.

“Hey, hey, I got you,” Matt’s fingers brush your tears away, his cold rings sending a series of chills down your spine.

Matt brought you into a warm embrace, lowering you down from on top of the seat, to his lap. He cradled you as if you were a broken fragile doll.

He pressed kisses towards your head, letting you release all those pent up emotions.

Neither of you knew how much time had passed, nor did either of you care.

Your breath’s evened out, and your tears died down. And Matt was still there by your side.

“Do you wanna talk?…” Matt questioned after a while.

“I’m just….tired” Your small tired voice let out.

Matt kissed your nose lightly before slowly standing up, pulling you up with him. He made his way to the bathroom connected to your room.

Upon setting you on the counter, he turns on the bath, letting it run for a little. He got everything ready — your clothes, a brush, and got all the small essentials, as you got in the tub.

He washed your hair, lathering the shampoo lightly. He then grabbed your brush and slowly brushed through the large matted knots.

“How about…after this we go back to mine? We can watch Inside Out because I know how much you love that movie,” His offer makes you smile, “And then we can work our way from there, how does that sound?”

You nod in response, too exhausted to speak.

After finishing up, Matt slowly helped you into one of his large sweaters and some pajama pants. Matt started to grab your phone and small things you would need to stay over (although most of your things are already at the triplets house).

“You ready, baby?” Matt extends his hand out towards you.

You grab his hand with a little small smile. Whatever joy you had in you was put towards Matt right now.

Matt led you to his car, opening the passenger seat. You could tell Chris sat there last. The seat was reclined and the seat was altogether far. You smiled at the way Chris left it.

“This kid doesn’t know how to fix his seat, I swear” Matt complained, as he helped you fix the seat.

Matt soon got into the driver side soon after closing your door.

“Where too?” Matt asked gently.

You looked at him in confusion. Weren’t you going to his house?

“C’mon, baby, we’re going somewhere to eat. Even if it’s something small, just… get something in your system.” Matt rubbed his hand against your knee.

The thought of food makes you want to throw up on the spot. You hated that he knew, but you loved that he cared.

“Nowhere..” You mumble quietly, head against the window.

You didn’t want to make this harder on Matt. But the genuine guilt fills you by just thinking about laying a finger on food.

“Sweetie, you need something.” Matt started the car, but ended up driving towards his house, “When we get home, you can have some toast. Even one slice, okay?”

You silently nod.

Matt pulled into the garage. As you and Matt make it inside, you can already hear Chris and Nick yapping about some movie they are watching in the living room.

As much of a bad mood you could be in, those triplets will always put a smile on your face.

Matt’s hand rests on the lower section of your back, gently guiding you through the basement. The two of you slowly walk up the stairs.

Chris and Nicks heads snapped towards the stairs as they heard footsteps, obviously Matt had told them.

Nick came running up to you guys first. He pulled you into a light hug, holding the back of your head with his hand, rocking you ever so slightly.

He pulled away, his hands resting on your face, “I’m so glad you’re okay, kid.”

Chris pushed Nick out of the way, “HEY! My turn”

Chris pulled you into a bone crushing hug, way more strong than Nicks. You smiled slightly into his shoulder.

“We were all so scared,” Chris whispered quietly.

As you guys pulled away, Matt grabbed your hand again, walking you towards his room, but not before bidding a small bye to Nick and Chris.

Matt closed the door behind him, as you went to sit on your designated side of his bed.

“I’ll be right back okay?” Matt kissed your head gently, before walking out of the door.

Matt had started to make a small piece of toast. Knowing you won't want to eat the other half, he put it on a plate for Chris to eat later.

Matt walked the short trip to his room, pulling the door open.

“Here, love” Matt put the plate on your lap.

You slowly grabbed at the piece of toast. Guilt swarmed you like a bunch of bees. Instead of taking a bite, you just stayed there.

Matt was now seated on his side, “It’s okay, Baby, it’s fine,” He rubbed your arm encouragingly.

Slowly but surely, you ate the piece of toast. Matt put on “Modern Family” while you ate. He never pushed you to eat faster, he was comforting and only wanted you to be comfortable.

“Good job!!” Matt’s large smile was contagious, it made you smile too.

As some time passed, you guys just stayed in each other’s presence. Not many words were said, but it was a comforting silence that everyone needs in their lives.

You and Matt were all cuddled up, your head resting on his chest. His hand rubbing your back gently.

His soft touch and actions, that lured you into a soft slumber.

“Goodnight, my love” Matt kissed the top of your head, himself feeling awfully tired.

At the end of the day, all you needed was a loving soul to guide you through your troubles. And Matt was that person. He was the light in your dark cave.

[justiceiscalling]

so i wanna get into batfam cause it seems fun. my introduction to this family is through some dceu movies and titans (show) only. is there any introductory ff or something? (don't wanna do comics idkw)

dude the way those were my introductions too (plus young justice)!!! i also refused comics in the beginning lol. first, disregard titans as a whole. i loved the show when i knew nothing of the batfam and dc in general but now that i do, i remember how wrong it was on so many parts.

i'm just going to do fic recs that i read and that i think helped me better understand some characters and then at the end i will add a 'quick' background on the 'lesser known' bats (duke, cass, and steph).

(nine fics plus an additional two crossovers)

here we go:

Worlds Saddest Breakfast Club by motelyfam

Summary:

Following a couple of Very Bad Weeks™ (which may or may not have involved being kidnapped and mildly tortured), Jason decides the best way to cheer himself up is to break into the Manor for a 3 a.m. snack. Turns out he isn’t the only one awake.

my opinion: okay i love love love this one. it includes every 'major' batfam member save for barbara gordon (so really just the one's considered bruces kids + steph). i think this one has extremely accurate characterization, it’s jason todd-centric but includes a good amount of everyone else.

greatest of ease by ijustwanttodestroy (ONGOING)

Summary:

The times people meet Dick Grayson. Not Robin, not Nightwing — just Dick. (Or: Dick Grayson is a hero, has always been and will always be, no matter what name he takes.)

my opinion: i actually just read this during the 12 hour tik tok ban and this is so good. it's dick centric and is just how random people who've met him in passing perceive him. i love it so much. there's still one chapter left to be written, but since the last time it was updated was 2019, i don't think it'll be updated lol. but, i think the last chapter isn't really needed

A Mediation on Railroading by eggmacguffin

Summary:

When he ends up ditched in Atlanta after a fight with his dad, Tim decides to do the only sensible thing: Tell no one and make the 800 mile journey back to Gotham on his own. Because the "call Batman when you're in trouble" rule only applies when he's Robin, right?

my opinion: okay, honestly i haven't rad this in forever--a reread is long overdo--but i remember enjoying this. this one is on the longer side, nearly 25k words. i feel like a majority of people in this fandom have read this, in 2023 i could not go anywhere without being recommended this. i'm pretty sure this started me into my jason and tim as a duo spiral, which i have since left because i now really believe that tim and jason would lowkey be beefing non-stop but like in a brotherly way? which most fics surrounding them don't quite capture in the way i want, idk i'm picky lol.

but yeah. this fic=good for new fandom people.

though your eyes will need some time to adjust by popsunner

Summary:

“I think…” Stephanie takes a deep breath, “I think I’m bad.” “I don’t.” “So what, I’m just supposed to believe you?” “I am Batman.” Stephanie snorts, “Yeah, you are… but what if I’m still bad?” “Then I forgive you.” _______ Or: Stephanie and Bruce, figuring it out

my opinion: i actually haven't seen a lot of steph and bruce bonding fics that i like but i really enjoyed this one. i read this a year or two ago, forgot about it and reread it today. steph and bruces relationship is complicated and i like how this captures them.

dick grayson: a case study by writersagainstwritersblock

Summary:

Dick rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. “I’m mostly used to sparring with my little brothers, it’s kind of just habit, and I was having fun. I didn’t want the match to be over too quick.” “Too quick?” Derek asked, eyebrows raised. “I’m twice your size, kid.” Dick shrugged. “So’s Bruce and we’re pretty much tied at this point, or at least according to the score board the kids started to keep for Saturday spars.” “Saturday spars?” Derek repeated, following him towards the locker room. Dick flashed him a smile. “What? Don’t have any weird family traditions?” “Not ones that include hitting each other,” Derek said   OR The BAU gets a probationary profiler who is a little more than he appears at first glance. Or second. Or third. Just how many secrets can Dick Grayson be hiding from a team full of profilers?

my opinion: this one's a crossover but i love how it shows dicks relationship with his siblings, wally, and bruce. slades in here and so because of that theres implied sexual assault. the author has warnings on every chapter. i wouldn't read if you're not familiar with criminal minds though, it'll be really confusing

The Robin Generation by waterunderthebridge12

Summary:

"It's the dodging emotional conversations for me," Duke said. "Take the L." "Stop being such a cringefail edgelord," Tim said. "It's giving emotionally stunted," said Damian. "It's giving big yikes delulu."   In his ongoing search for better ways to fight crime, Tim comes up with a brand new method: bombarding bad guys with Gen Alpha slang. Recruiting Gen Alpha cusper Duke and full Gen Alpha Damian, shenanigans, chaos, and bonding ensue.

my opinion: i recommend this entire series, omg it's so unbelievably funny and good. great duke and damian bonding, great duke representation overall, and it also introduced me to the idea of duke hating dick and cass and jason just straight up beefing all the time which makes so much fucking sense. if you read anything on this list PLEASE read this.

Life Happens by Cdelphiki

Summary:

While walking home from an event at Wayne Enterprises, Tim and Damian are kidnapped and sent to an alternate dimension. In a world where superheroes are merely comic book characters and the idea of the multiverse is only a theory found within the pages of science fiction, how are Tim and Damian going to return home? How long will they be stranded on this strange Earth? And will the boys murder each other before they figure it out?

my opinion: by far one of the best tim and damian bonding things i read. it's 176k words so it doesn't make them bonding so straight forward, yk? not the usual 'they're both secretly jealous of each other' thing (which i lowkey love like i eat that shit up ngl), it's more complex. more 'i love you cause you're my brother, but i don't like you' which evolves into 'you're the only one around for me now' which turns into 'you're my favorite, please don't leave me.' i sob every time i read this story, it's so fucking heartbreaking. the other works in the exiled robins series are good but not needed to understand life happens.

All the Roofs of Uncertainty by Kieron_Duibhir

Summary:

For all the blood on his hands, Red Hood was never just a villain. And Nightwing never gives up on family, not for good. (Or: The one where Dick bleeds a lot and Jason argues with everybody.)

my opinion: i remember vaguely reading this when i first joined the fandom and loving it so much, it was my first introduction to jason and dick's relationship as brother that i thought actually made sense. if you like this one, check out Kieron_Duibhir's account, they're a really good author.

Martry Unmade by Here_we_go

Summary:

Jason Todd was loved best dead. Dead he was a saint. A martyr. Nothing was more sacred in the Church of Batman than martyrdom. - No one ever said that coming back from the dead was easy, not for the one who died and not for the people they left behind.

my opinion: catholic jason todd, my love. i'm always searching for catholic jason todd fics. i stumbled upon this a couple months ago and loved the fuck out of it. catholic jason is just so incredible to me, for some reason.

the entombment of idolization by make_your_own_world

Summary:

It turns out that growing up in the League of Assassins complicates your definition of self-worth. Or: Damian’s Saturday nights did not typically involve an underground sequence of caverns, a drugged brother, and a bloodthirsty monster snapping at their heels, but he was nothing if not adaptable. Or: If I am all you want to be, and you are all I want to be, why together are we not enough? (Can be read as a standalone)

my opinion: i did not read the other works in this series and i understood everything. this has tim and damian bonding which i will always look for, i'm pretty sure i stumbled upon this christmas of 2023 and i have loved it ever since.

okay that's it for the recs. if you want more heres the link to my bookmarks.

some have OC's or x readers, and i think theres one or two non batfam in there. still, feel free to look if you want. i also have some tim and damian bonding ones posted (Keep hanging on, Praise from a mother, Trust from a bother, the graves i dig series, and Growing apart), i don't think any of my other works will be of any use if you're just trying to get into the batfam because the rest are x readers or x OC's, save for one which is on a HEAVY hiatus lol.

quick background (as promised):

since your introduction was through DCEU and titans, im assuming you have no clue who duke thomas, cassandra cain, and stephanie brown are. duke is bruce’s latest foster kid, he’s black, his parents were rendered insane because of joker, he’s the vigilante signal, and he’s often forgotten by lots of the fandom. cassandra is one of bruce’s adopted kids (i believe) she came after tim but she’s jason’s age. she’s the daughter of lady shiva and david cain. typically she’s depicted as mute in fanon, but in comics she can speak her english is just very broken. depending on the fic, cass will be either one of those three vigilantes: batgirl, black bat, or orphan. stephanie isn’t bruce’s kid, she’s kind of an honorary kid though. she used to date tim but they’ve broken up in comics (tim is bi and dating bernard, as seen in the titans show), many people have her date cassandra. it’s a VERY popular ship in the batfam fandom, i think. stephanie is the vigilante spoiler though she was previously the vigilante batgirl and the only girl robin.

batgirl and robin are passed down. all the (main) robins in order are: dick, jason, tim, stephanie, then back to tim, and then damian (im pretty sure tim is robin in comics rn alongside damian but most fics have him as red robin). some people include maps in that but i normally don’t. batgirl has only three: barbara gordon, cassandra cain, and stephanie brown. then there’s also tiffany fox, who im pretty sure is said to be batgirl in the future? i’ve yet to see her in many fics and i think i read one comic that had her but that was forever ago.

[hungermakesmonsters]

Catch Me If You Can

Chapter Eighteen

Plot summary : When your friend interviews for a position at Anvil, you have a chance encounter with Billy Russo. He takes you for coffee and, by the time you’re done, Billy decides he’s anything but done with you.

Pairing : Billy Russo x Reader

Story Rating : R 

Chapter Rating : PG

Warnings : [This is a fic for 18+ only, minors DNI] There's some dark stuff pertaining to an abusive past relationship, attempted murder, and vague details of a car crash. Please check the warnings on each chapter if you choose to follow this story. 

Word Count : ~4.4k

A/N : Set about a week after the last one! I'm honestly a little nervous about this chapter, I hope you like it! As always thanks so much for reading!

CHAPTER ONE | CHAPTER TWO | CHAPTER THREE | CHAPTER FOUR | CHAPTER FIVE | CHAPTER SIX | CHAPTER SEVEN | CHAPTER EIGHT | CHAPTER NINE | CHAPTER TEN | CHAPTER ELEVEN | CHAPTER TWELVE | CHAPTER THIRTEEN | CHAPTER FOURTEEN | CHAPTER FIFTEEN | CHAPTER SIXTEEN | CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

Chapter Eighteen

The whole world came crashing down around you in a single moment. 

You didn’t realise until it was too late to stop it, until it was too late to change anything and avoid the inevitable consequences.

The private investigator took the envelope full of cash before sliding the file across the table to you, sparing you one last glance and a couple of words of warning before climbing out of the booth and heading towards the exit. Your gaze followed him out of the diner and onto the street, where he walked past -

Your heart stopped.

Frank.

He had his phone out, pointing right at you through the diner window, a mix of betrayal and disappointment on his face. It took a moment to figure out what was happening, for the penny to finally drop, but when it did, you felt your entire body fill with panic; he thought you were the security threat, the person who’d been digging into anvil over the last couple of months. 

Your heart started to race, knowing that he was going to tell Billy what he thought he’d seen, that he’d seen you paying off the PI who’d been snooping around Anvil. You scrambled out of the booth, almost tripping over your own feet, desperate to get to Frank and fix the situation before it spiralled out of control.

But he was already on the phone by the time you got outside. You kept the file clutched to your chest, holding it against you like a shield as you approached the imposing figure of Frank Castle, stomach knotting as you heard him speak.

“Yeah, Bill, I’ll deal with it,” his eyes fixed on you as you stopped in front of him. 

You waited in silence, for a moment thinking you could just about hear Billy’s voice on the other end of the phone before Frank hung up and dropped his phone into his pocket.

“I’m gonna need you to give me that,” Frank said, holding out his hand, expecting you to hand the file over. 

“I can’t.” Because, despite everything that was happening, you knew one thing for sure; you couldn’t let anyone see the file, couldn’t let them know about your past.

“Y’know, the crazy thing is that I thought Bill was gonna be the one to break your heart, not the other way around,” Frank shook his head.

“You don’t understand -”

“Pretty sure I do,” he interrupted, not willing to listen to your explanations, “you’ve had your PI lookin’ into Anvil and Bill for weeks now, so give it up.”

“No, that’s not -” but you could already tell that he wasn’t going to listen to you, that he’d made up his mind. “I need to see Billy, I have to explain this to him.”

“That’s great ‘cause he’s already waiting at Anvil for you.”

You stared at him for a moment before realising that you had a choice to make - he couldn’t very well bundle you into his car in broad daylight, but you were aware how bad it would look for you if you refused to go with him. You’d just given up every single dollar to your name for the file in your hand and, now, you needed to make sure that it hadn’t all been for nothing.

“Okay,” you relented, “take me to Billy.”

Frank gave a grunt and nodded towards his truck. You followed after him, climbing into the passenger seat and keeping your eyes fixed forward. Once he’d started the engine, you reached for your phone, hastily typing up a message to Karen, wanting to try and explain what was going on before Frank told her.

“Who you texting?” Frank asked suddenly, taking his eyes off the road.

“Karen, I -” he snatched your phone before you could finish, your thumb managing to hit send on the half finished message as he pulled it away from you. “What the fuck?”

“You’re not draggin’ Karen into this shit,” he told you, his eyes returning to the road just in time to keep from running a red light - a sharp stop that caused your anxiety to spike even more, reminding you of the accident years ago. You were so distracted that you only caught the last half of what Frank was saying, “- when Bill’s done with you.”

You didn’t argue, didn’t ask him to repeat himself. You just wanted him to concentrate on the road. So, you remained silent, clutching the file to your chest and watching out the windscreen. The way he drove across the city made your heart race and your chest tighten, practically jumping out of your skin with every screech of brakes or honk of a horn.

And, when you reached Anvil some fifteen minutes later, you were quick to scramble out of the truck, almost gasping for breath.

He gave another grunt, indicating that you should follow him and, stupidly, you did just that. You didn’t realise that anything was wrong until you were in the elevator and realised that you were being taken down to the basement level instead of up to Billy’s office.

“Why aren’t we going to Billy’s office?” You asked, dread already starting to coil in your stomach.

“Bill doesn’t want you in his office,” Frank answered as the doors slid open, revealing a cold and terrifying looking corridor.

“I want my phone back.” You told him, unable to stop the fear from filling your tone.

“Told you, you can have it back when Bill’s done with you,” he motioned for you to start moving and, with no other option, you did.

When the elevator doors slid shut, your thoughts started to spiral to dark places you didn’t want them to go, to memories of feeling trapped and powerless. A lump rose in your throat and tears were already starting to sting your eyes as your footsteps echoed down the long hallway. When Frank stopped and opened a door, you let him usher you inside before you realised your mistake.

The door closed behind you, leaving you trapped and alone in what appeared to be an interrogation room. Had your state of mind been better, you might have realised that the room was used for training new recruits and conducting interviews but, since you were panicking, all you could think was that you were going to be trapped there until you confessed to all of the things you hadn’t done.

You turned back to the door quickly, pulling at the handle. You weren’t surprised to find it locked, but it did nothing to stop the panic that was raging inside of you.

The room had a long metal table and two chairs, one on either side, but you didn’t move to sit. You couldn’t move at all, terror had you rooted in place, your fingers still tightly gripping the file against your chest. There was a camera blinking in the corner of the room and you felt your stomach drop; was Billy watching you right now, could he see the terror on your face? (And, if he could, why wasn’t he coming to help you?)

Minutes passed before Billy stepped into the room. You stayed frozen as he stepped around you and you waited - you waited for him to tell you that this was all some big mistake, that he knew you’d never do the things Frank had accused you of. But it never came. As he took a seat, your eyes closed tight, silently willing yourself to wake up from this nightmare.

Another minute passed in total silence, like he was waiting for you to speak first and dig your own grave, but you couldn’t even look at him, much less form the words you needed to explain all of this to him.

“Just give me the file,” he finally said.

“I can’t,” you shook your head, eyes still closed tight.

���Who are you working for?” There was something cold in his voice, something broken and full of pain and, despite everything he was putting you thought, some part of you longed to comfort him.

“No one, I’m not -”

“Don’t lie to me!” The sound of his open palm hitting the surface of the table caused you to flinch, your eyes opening as you took a step back and pressed yourself against the wall, needing to put as much distance between you and Billy as possible. “You paid someone to look into Anvil, into me.”

“No, that’s not what happened! You don’t understand -”

“What were you after; finances? Mission details? How much were you getting paid?” His tone got sharper with every word.

“I wasn’t after anything, that’s not what this is. It’s not about Anvil -” you tried desperately still, somehow, holding onto some small glimmer of hope that you could fix things before they got too broken.

 “Bullshit!”

“Please, Billy,” you struggled to find the words in your panic, “you promised that you’d trust me, that you’d -”

“I did trust you!”

His use of the past tense caused something to break inside of you, and you felt a sort of pain that you hadn’t felt in years, the sort of pain that could only be inflicted by someone you loved.

“Stop, please, Billy just -” you tried again, blinking back tears.

Everything was falling apart around you, the future you’d let yourself hope for was slipping away; you were going to move in with him, you were going to go work for The Bulletin, and you were finally going to start rebuilding your life after so many years of just existing and scraping a living. All your dreams were dying all at once, all because he wouldn’t listen to you, because he couldn’t trust you.

Some part of you knew that if you could just find the words, you’d be able to make him understand, but your panicked, racing mind couldn’t focus enough to say or do anything to help fix things.

“How long?” He asked coldly, ignoring your tears. “How long have you been lying to me, using me?”

“I wasn’t lying! Why won’t you listen to me? Why can’t you trust me?” You heard yourself begging desperately.

“Because you’ve been lying to me for months!” His voice got louder, sharper, and you no longer recognised the man in front of you. This wasn’t your Billy, this was someone else entirely. “You know, you really had me fooled, pretending to be this wounded little thing, acting like you wanted me, like we had something.”

“It wasn’t an act!” You managed to raise your voice to match him, desperate to make him listen, to convince him that you still cared, but Billy didn’t even seem to hear it. “Please, just - just let me explain. I can explain this.”

“Explain what? That none of this was real? That you tricked me into wanting you so you could get close enough to stab me in the back? Did you get paid extra to fuck me or was jumping into my bed just part of the game for you?” You could still hear the pain in his tone, but the moment Billy said those words to you, something inside of you snapped.

Your stomach continued to tie itself in knots. You hated every little thing about this, hated how he thought you were as bad as all of the other people who had used him and lied to him to get what they wanted. But your pain quickly started to turn to anger - he wasn’t the only one who’d ever been hurt, he wasn’t the only one who’d been lied to and used. As hurt as Billy obviously was by this whole situation, he’d broken his promises to you; he wouldn’t listen, wouldn’t hear you out, wouldn’t trust you.

You were being blamed for something you hadn’t done and you were going to lose everything because of it. Again.

“You think I jumped into bed with you?” Your tone turned sharper, colder, and more certain - because, in all of this, if you were certain of one thing, it was that you did not just jump into bed with him. Finally you had his attention, just in time for you to tell him; “falling in love with you is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, Billy. And you’ve just managed to prove why it was such a stupid idea.”

It was the first time you’d dared utter that you loved him aloud, but you were no longer scared of how he was going to react to the revelation or how vulnerable it would make you feel. It was too late to care about any of that. You’d come to Anvil hoping to save things with Billy but that dream was now over. 

And, for the first time since all of this began, you realised that the truth of your past couldn’t hurt you anymore. It didn’t matter if Billy knew because he’d already given up on you, whatever was between you was over now, and everything you’d done to try and preserve it had been for nothing.

“Fine,” you relented, forcing yourself to step away from the wall and towards the table. Once you were close enough you slammed the file down in front of him so hard that its contents spilled out across the table; photographs of you, notes about your work, your friends and your finances. 

Billy’s eyes dropped, quickly looking over it, starting to move things, rummaging through the paperwork, trying to make sense of it.

“It was never about you or Anvil. He was looking for me. And I just spent every penny I had paying him off so I wouldn’t have to leave New York, so I wouldn’t have to leave you. But I guess the jokes on me, because you don’t even care enough to keep your promises to me and just listen for five fucking minutes.” By the time you’d finished, you had to cover your mouth to try and suppress the sobs that were desperate to escape you.

Billy stayed silent, rifling through the pages and photographs in front of him, seeming to become more frantic with every passing second as he looked for something, anything, to prove that he hadn’t just destroyed your relationship for nothing.

You watched him for a second, knowing exactly what he’d find in the file, and knowing the questions he’d inevitably have for you when he found the details of your sister's death, and the car crash that had left you scarred. But it was too late for any of that now, he’d lost any right to ask anything about your past.

Moving back to the door, you gave the handle a sharp tug, even though you were pretty certain that the door was still locked.

“Wait -” his broken tone caused you to bristle. Where once you would have felt compassion, you now only felt anger.

“Let me out.”

“I don’t understand,” he told you, as he got to his feet and started to move towards you, his expression one of confusion instead of anger. You held up a hand, wanting him to keep his distance and Billy stopped. In his hand he was holding a copy of the photograph that he’d seen on your bedside table all those weeks ago, the photo of you and your siblings as children. “Please, help me understand this. I want to understand.”

“Which part, Billy? The part where you refused to listen, when you wouldn’t hear me out, when you wouldn’t trust me like you promised?” A hand scrubbed at your cheek, desperately trying to wipe away your tears, not wanting him to see just how much he’d wounded you. “Or the part where you thought so little of me that you thought I was fucking you just to get information on your company?”

“I didn’t know, I -”

“You wouldn’t let me explain!” You yelled and it was Billy’s turn to flinch at your tone. “I gave up everything I had to get that file, and now it doesn’t even matter. None of this matters anymore.”

“It matters, it -” he tried, obviously struggling for words, “- why didn’t you tell me?

“Why didn’t you believe me?” you threw back at him. ”Why is it so hard for you to trust me? Do you even trust anyone?”

“I’m sorry, I never -”

“Just - just stop. It’s too late.” You shook your head. It hurt too much and every word, every plea that left him only made the ache in your chest feel worse. “You promised me that you’d listen. I trusted you and you ruined it. You’ve ruined us.” 

“No... don’t say that. Please, don’t say that.” His voice continued to crack and break, and it was almost enough to make you want to back down, but you knew you couldn’t. Not after this. He’d broken his promise to you and left you feeling more wounded and alone than you’d ever felt. “I’m sorry, let me fix this, sweetheart, please.”

“Fix this?” You almost managed to laugh through the tears. “There is no fixing this, Billy. You’ve ruined it. You broke my heart.”

“No, no... please, I -” for a moment he looked at you like those three little words were on the tip of his tongue, like he was ready to confess his love, but you didn’t want to hear it.

“Just stop. You don’t get to fight for me, Billy. Not now. Not after this.” You told him angrily. “I told you I couldn’t do this if you didn’t trust me.”

“You said you fell in love with me,” the words came out so softly that you almost didn’t hear them.

You could see the thinly masked distress on his face, the pain and misery that you’d managed to cause with that one, silly admission. You hated yourself for blurting it out like that, like you were some character in a soap opera or some shitty romance novel. And, if he’d been anyone else, you might have been angrier at his obliviousness to your feelings - of course you’d fallen in love with him, it had been so fucking obvious - but Billy had always been honest with you; he didn’t know love, didn’t understand it. All the people who were supposed to love him and abandoned him.

But not you. That was not what this was. You weren’t abandoning him, he’s pushed you to breaking point. This time it was Billy’s fault.

“What did you think was gonna happen?” You dared to ask, not even bothering to try and hide your pain anymore. “I’m not like you, Billy, I can’t just turn off my emotions whenever things get difficult.”

“You love me?” He took a step closer, the look on his face suggesting that he still thought that there was some way that he could fix things.

“It doesn’t matter anymore.”

“It matters to me, please, I -”

The door opened and, before he could finish that thought, you were rushing back out into the hallway, trying to put as much distance between yourself and Billy as possible. He followed after, your name dying on his lips when he saw Karen and Frank standing there.

“Sorry, Bill, she -” Frank started, looking at Karen who was now holding your phone.

“You’re both assholes,” she stated and neither man dared argue with her. Obviously, thankfully, she’d managed to figure out what was going on and where you were just from the half of a text message that you’d managed to send before Frank had confiscated your phone. 

Her arm quickly pulled around your shoulders and she started to lead you towards the elevator while you tried to choke back tears. You didn’t dare look back until you were in the elevator; Billy looked heartbroken, following after you but keeping his distance.

“Please, I -” he tried.

“You’ve done enough, Billy. Just leave her alone.” Karen snapped as the doors slid shut and, a moment later, the floodgates opened and you started to sob uncontrollably, knowing that you’d lost everything.

TWO HOURS EARLIER.

Your heart was racing, thumping out a painful and uneven beat in your chest.

When Karen had told you that a private investigator had been asking around about you at The Bulletin, you’d put things together pretty quickly. You had her set up a meeting later that morning for you, hoping that you could fix things before they got out of control, even though your every instinct told you to pack a bag and get out of New York as quickly as you could.

You didn’t want to have to run, you didn’t want to leave the life that you were starting to build in the city. You didn’t want to leave the man that you loved.

Before heading to the diner to meet the PI, you stopped at the bank, withdrawing every penny that had, hoping that it would be enough, hoping that you could pay him off and fix everything before things spun out of control.

He was already waiting in the diner when you arrived, sitting in a booth by the window; a grizzled looking guy, well into his forties, who’d obviously been in the PI game for decades. As you slid into the seat opposite him, you felt your guts start to twist with a mix of anxiety and fear.

“If I’d known that this was the quickest way to get you out of hiding, I’d’ve done it weeks ago,” he stated before you’d even gotten comfortable. “I take it you wanted to meet to make me an offer?”

You took a breath, trying to steady your still-racing heart. “How much would it cost for you to go back to Florida and pretend you couldn’t find me?”

He almost seemed shocked that you knew where he was from for a second, but it was quickly hidden behind a lazy sort of smile.

“More than you’ve got,” he stated and your heart sank. “I’m a little surprised that you don’t seem surprised by any of this.”

“I’m not,” you offered, already feeling like you were wasting your time. “I knew it was only a matter of time before Scott started looking for me. Did he tell you why - did he tell you why he wants to find me?”

“No, and I didn’t bother to ask - usually don’t when the money’s this good.” He shrugged before sitting forward in his seat. “Go on then; what’d you do to this guy? I figured you either broke his heart or you took something of his. Must’ve been something big for you to spend these last few years running all up and down the country.”

“I didn’t do anything,” you voice cracked at how helpless you suddenly felt, “He tried to kill me, and that’s probably why he wants me back.”

That seemed to unsettle the PI and you decided to use it to your advantage.

“I take it you know about the accident?” You asked and the PI gave an awkward sort of nod, not knowing what point you were going to try to make. “It wasn’t an accident, he deliberately swerved the car off the road because I’d finally told him that I was leaving him.” Your voice continued to crack, threatening to break. “He pulled himself out of the car and left me there to die. I had to crawl through fire and broken glass to save myself,” you rolled up your sleeve, letting him see the scars, along with the sickening S that Scott had carved into your skin. “That’s why he wants to know where I am. He wants to finish the job.”

The PI let out a slow exhale and it was more than obvious from the way he shifted in his seat that he hadn’t been expecting that story, that he’d been lied to and used by Scott.

A trembling hand wiped at your eye, you were determined not to cry despite everything you’d just been forced to reveal.

“Look, I feel for you, but this is a big payday and -”

You reached into your purse and quickly placed the envelope on the table between you.

“That’s everything I have,” you told him, sniffing back tears, “you can have it all, just - please, give me the file and don’t tell him I’m here. I just want to be able to live my life. I don’t want to have to start over again.”

“You’d leave that rich boyfriend of yours?” He asked, like he almost didn’t believe what you were trying to tell him.

“If I had to. But I don’t want to. Scott has already stolen years of my life, please don’t help him take more. There’s just over fifteen grand in that envelope, I know it’s not a lot but -”

Your heart threatened to stop as he picked up the envelope and started thumbing through the stack of notes inside.

“This is everything you’ve got,” he stated with the certainty of someone who’d looked into your accounts. “You’re willing to give up everything just to make sure this guy doesn’t find you?”

“Yes...”

The moment that followed seemed to linger for an eternity; him looking at you like he was trying to decide what to do, while you stared back, silently praying to any god that might listen to you. 

There was no holding back the relieved sob that slipped from you when he finally put the envelope in his pocket and slid the file across the table to you.

“I’ll tell him I lost track of you after the six months you spent in Chicago.”

“Thank you.

He gave something of a grumble as he started to pull his coat on and got to his feet, ready to walk away, but something made him stop. “Y’know, that boyfriend of yours isn’t as squeaky clean as you think. I’d be careful if I were you - and, maybe, you should ask him where his mother is.”

He didn’t give you the chance to ask what he meant, before he turned and left the diner, your gaze following him out the door and onto the street, watching as walked right past Frank Castle, who was holding his phone and photographing the entire exchange. 

Chapter Nineteen

END NOTES : Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ok so this is probably the chapter than I've been most nervous about so I hope people enjoy the drama and angst! I know this probably wasn't what people were expecting from this chapter, but I won't say too much because I don't want to spoil anything for future chapters.

As always thanks so much for reading and sticking with this, it really does mean the world to me!

If you want adding/removing from the tag list let me know (I know it’s not working for everyone - if it’s not working and you don’t want to miss a chapter, I post every Friday around 7:30pm gmt)

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[burnthoneydrops]

Luckiest Man on the Planet (g.d. x fem!reader)

pairing: graham dunne x fem!reader

word count: 2.9k (whoops, had fun with this one haha)

warnings: talk of having children, use of "she/her" pronouns, Billy (if he counts as his own warning)

a/n: I miss when djats was popular on here so I decided to hopefully help the revival by adding the to the graham fic collection! hope everyone enjoys, this one's just cute. also REQUESTS ARE OPEN

You wanted-no needed- this moment to be perfect. You were not going to be happy if the money you had spent on plane tickets was going towards a ruined surprise, so you absolutely needed this to be perfect. It felt weird complaining about your long distance relationship when it wasn’t long distance all of the time and you knew other couples had it worse, but you’d be damned if your heart didn’t sink a little every time you thought about how far away Graham was, and would continue to be, for the next few months. That distance wouldn’t last forever though, thank the universe, as the people at the gate’s front desk were announcing that your flight to New York would start boarding shortly. 

“Ok, they’re about to start boarding, but I’ll call you when I land ok?” You hugged the phone to your ear, peering over your shoulder to make sure you weren’t missing anything and twisting the spiral cord with your finger. 

“Yeah, sounds good. I told Rod that we’d need an extra car to be sent to the airport so you won’t need a cab or anything,” Eddie replied through the phone. 

“Oh, you didn’t need to do that,” you laughed, flattered by the effort. 

“Oh yes I did. I-We’re not having you come all the way out here just to get stuck in New York traffic”. 

“Anything that gets me to Graham faster. And you guys of course,” you quickly added before saying your goodbyes, noticing the boarding line was getting smaller. 

The plane was incredibly boring, and the baby two rows behind you did not shut up the entire time, but you realised you managed to make that about Graham too, wondering how you two would handle it differently if it was your child screaming in a crowded plane. Luckily you had brought a book with you to zone in on, but nothing holds more power than the lungs of an upset child. You couldn’t stop your knee from bouncing, meaning you accidentally bumped too hard and kicked the seat of the person in front of you, earning some not so polite stares from the elderly man who sat there. Relief flooded over you when you heard the pilot announce that you would soon be landing, so much so that you kicked the seat once again, gaining another dirty look. 

As you stood up to exit your row, you looked across the plane, making eye contact with the previously screaming child. The little girl stopped wriggling around in her mother’s arms, staring at nothing but you as you gave her a little wave with the hand not holding your carry on. You smiled before the man behind you got impatient and cleared his throat as an indication that he wanted to move forward, so you only widened your smile with one last wave before hearing the baby laugh as you left the area. You and Graham hadn’t even had the talk about whether you wanted kids, not to mention how you would raise them or what kind of life they would lead. You had no doubt he would be a great father, but with the band already raising Julia, you figured you could push that thought out of your head for a little longer. 

When you were able to escape the gaggle of people who were standing in the boarding area you had just entered, you visually located the nearest phone, putting your backpack and suitcase aside to call Eddie. You glanced at the hotel’s phone number you had scribbled on the back of your boarding pass when you called from L.A., and started tapping your foot once again as the phone rang aggressively in your ear. 

“Hey, you made it,” you sighed in relief when Eddie answered the phone. 

“The most boring cross country flight of my life, but yes I made it,” you chuckled. 

“The only cross country flight of your life if I’m not mistaken. You rode in the van with us from Pittsburg, remember?” 

“How could I forget the bumpy roads and almost running out of gas in the middle of nowhere Missouri?” 

“But it was more enjoyable than what you just went through?” 

“Well yeah. Anytime with you is more enjoyable than by myself,” you glanced out the window at the line of planes waiting to take off as there’s an awkward pause on the line. “I mean, the band makes everything more fun,” you continued, hoping the conversation hadn’t died. 

“Right, yeah for sure,” Eddie came back to life, informing you soon after that there’d be a taxi driver waiting for you. He shouldn’t be hard to spot, you had been promised, and with how much you just wanted to run into Graham’s arms right now, you hoped for everyone’s sake that that was true. The taxi driver was easy enough to spot, holding a white sign with your name scribbled on it and an uncomfortable look on his face in the crowded area. He reached out his arm to you, which made you chuckle in response before shaking his hand, trying to keep your backpack atop your shoulder. 

“Your bag, miss,” he gestured to the suitcase you currently were wheeling behind you, and you realised that he really didn’t want to shake your hand and now his sweaty palm was awkwardly entangled in yours. You quickly let go before clearing your throat in embarrassment and handing him your bag, after which he quickly made his way to the exit doors so you two could finish this journey as quickly as possible. You used the time in the taxi to take in all the sites of New York. You had been as a kid, but it felt different now, like there was something new in the air. The hotel crept into view as the traffic was touch and go, but soon enough you were informing the lady working the front desk that you had a reservation and picked up a spare key to Graham’s room. You and Eddie agreed that you could use the time the band would be soundchecking at the venue to settle into Graham’s room for after the surprise, and you had thanked him again profusely when you heard Billy yelling down the hallway that they were all going to be late. Billy’s yelling was not something you missed while they were on tour, but if it came as a side effect of being in Graham’s arms again, you would listen to it again and again. 

The buzz in the venue was palpable when you walked in through the side entrance, trying to keep yourself hidden as much as possible given your mission. The bar at the back of the venue seemed like a great place to hide, and you kept yourself occupied by browsing the alcohol choices and chatting with the bartender until you heard three familiar voices making their way over. Warren, Eddie and Graham had decided to come up to the bar and you quickly ducked down under the bar, hoping the bartender wouldn’t expose you while they were there. You kept your back against the main island, facing the wall of bottles and mirrors, just being able to see the top of the familiar head of curls from your angle. The thin bottles distorted him a little bit, but your heart swelled at the sight of Graham just as it did every other time. 

“Tonight’s gonna be great man,” Warren commented, the bartender sliding a glass over to him. 

“Yeah, the fans aren’t even outside yet and the energy is killer,” Eddie replied, and you thought of the line of people you had passed out front on your way around the building. Thankfully no one had recognized you, and it only filled you with pride to see everyone who was there to support them. 

“Yeah,” Graham nodded, sounding more sullen than usual. 

“Come on man, lighten up. You’ve been acting weird since we got in the van this morning,” Warren nudged him, and you heard a leg kick the supporting wall of the island. 

“He’s just upset that his usual good luck call didn’t go through,” Eddie added. 

Graham got in the habit of calling you before every show as a nervous tendency, as the sound of your voice usually calmed him down better than whatever cheesy peptalk Billy wanted to give. 

Warren whistled when Graham didn’t reply, and you figured he made a face of some kind, exposing that Eddie was right. “Man, she has got you hooked, lined and sinkered”. 

“And what if she does? She always answers, so I feel out of sorts I guess. When you guys find people to love, you’ll understand,” Graham replied, trying to keep it light hearted at the end. 

“Hey, that was personal”. 

“Woah dude, what was that for?” He had set the boys in a defensive spiral. 

“We get it, you think she’s the one or whatever,” Warren teased. 

Your cheeks heated up, and it took all of you to stay in your crouched position, hoping nothing was going to squeak or hiss and give you away. The boys finally decided to walk away when Karen called them, saying they had to clear out before they opened the doors. You let out a loud sigh of relief when the bartender gave you a thumbs up to say they were gone, as being able to move your legs from their cramped position was a god send. 

“That kid seems to really love you,” the bartender commented as he gave you his hand to help you up. 

“Yeah well, I really love him too,” you said, not looking at him but at the stage where your boyfriend and his band would soon be standing. 

As the crowd shuffled in, you tried to stay relatively in the middle, hoping that whatever part of the stage Graham stood on he would be able to see you eventually. There was a hushed sensation in the crowd as people chatted and got drinks, but as the lights dimmed, the excitement grew, and a few people started whooping and cheering prematurely. Pretty soon the band was running on stage to an enormous eruption of applause, and the smile on each of their faces made you smile even bigger. From Chuck’s garage in Pittsburg to selling out venues across the country, you could not be more proud of the people in front of you, and you hoped all your efforts today proved that. 

“Well hello there everybody,” the familiar redhead greeted the audience, gaining even more shouts and cheers of joy from the people in front of her. “We’ve got a very special performance for you tonight, so we hope you’re ready to rock just as much as we are. How’s everybody feeling tonight?!” She yelled into the microphone as people clapped and hollered back. “Alright well, let’s see what you’ve got!” She smiled as Warren counted everybody off from his spot on the back of the stage and it was like the gates were opened at the Kentucky Derby. The energy radiating off of the band members and the audience was infectious, but you had your sights set on one person. Graham always did look his happiest on stage, getting to do what he loved with people he loved, and you were always excited when you got to witness that pure, unbridled joy on his face. 

A few songs in, you noticed Karen scanning the crowd, and as she landed on your section, you gave her a small wave. Your hopes that she noticed you were answered as a large smile broke out on her face, glancing back at the keyboard in shock before looking back to make sure it was really you. You laughed and gave her a big thumbs up in confirmation, and she was quick to call Billy’s name, nodding her head in your direction. The second band member to notice you, Billy’s eyebrows went up in shock when he spotted you, a smirk and an eye roll being his secondary reaction before he turned back to the microphone. After you had confirmation that at least half of the stage knew you were there, you kept your attention on the other half, staring at Graham as he shredded the guitar. A light sheen of sweat had gathered on his forehead, and as he wiped his curls back with his sleeve, Billy took a few steps back to get his attention. You saw him whisper something in Graham’s ear before his eyes went manic, scanning the audience with intense feverency.

Once his eyes landed on yours, everything stopped. The people around you seemed to be dancing in slow motion, and the music sounded like blurred-together lines of nothing as you saw the biggest smile form on your boyfriend’s face. Everything might have stopped a little too abruptly, as you saw Daisy look back at him in confusion when there was suddenly no guitar part being played. He shook his head and started playing again, quickly making eye contact with you again; a state he would remain in the entire show. 

When the show was over, security scurried over to you as people filed out, informing you that you were to be taken backstage. You got a few odd looks from a couple of girls who had been standing around you during this invitation, but all you cared about was that the moment you had been waiting for was finally here. You followed behind them until you could see the group of familiar people chatting and packing up their equipment. Graham had his back turned to the door, but Eddie had spotted you first, shoving Graham’s shoulder and pointing to the door. It was then that you couldn’t contain your excitement anymore and you brushed past the security guards, breaking into a full sprint as Graham waited with open arms. He wrapped his arms around your waist as you jumped to wrap your legs around his, his grip tightening with every second as if you’d disappear when he’d let go. He laughed as he leaned his forehead on yours, the shock from your appearance having not quite worn off yet. 

“Oh my god I can’t believe you’re here,” he mutters, leaning his neck further back to actually see your whole face. 

“You didn’t think I’d miss seeing my favourite guitarist did you?” 

“I thought that was me?” Eddie teased from his spot against the wall, which earned him a slap on the bicep from Karen and a strict instruction to shut up. 

“How did you even? What? How are you-?” 

“Eddie and I arranged it all. I missed you too much to be stuck in L.A. all by myself”. 

“Oh my god, I’m so in love with you it’s not even funny,” Graham let out a breathy laugh and your heart almost stopped. Even though you two had been dating for a while, you had said that you wanted to take things slow, given that your last relationship didn’t end so well. This meant that even though you and Graham were both in agreement that you loved each other, this agreement had been almost exclusively nonverbal. Neither of you had said anything yet, partially in fear that you’d take things too quickly and someone would feel pressure (at least that’s what you felt when your ex wanted to take things at what felt like a million miles an hour). So, in an effort to keep things calm and relaxed, neither of you had said anything close to the L word, and this moment took you by surprise. 

Silence fell between the two of you, as Graham was waiting for you to say something and you were frozen. As if just realising what he said, Graham’s face fell into one of panic as he gingerly placed you down on the ground. “Oh no, I didn’t mean-. Please don’t take that to mean you have to say anything back I just-” 

“Graham?” You stopped him rambling as you saw Karen and Daisy corralling the boys out of the room. 

“Yeah?” 

“I love you,” you said without looking at him, mostly because you were scared he would bolt the other direction and you would fly back to L.A. in tears. 

You felt two fingers gently grab your chin, and Graham tilted your head up to look at him. “You sure? Cause I don’t want you to say it just because I said something”. 

You nodded, “I’m sure”. 

He smiled and let out another airy chuckle as he leaned down, grabbing both sides of your face before capturing your lips with his. The electricity between you started buzzing as it always did in moments like these, and he was quick to tap his fingers on your lower back, signalling you to jump up and wrap around him like you had previously. The two of you laughed in between kisses until you heard a gagging sound from down the hall. 

“Get a room!” Eddie yelled. 

“Where do you think we’re going?” Graham yelled back, causing you to laugh in embarrassment and bury your head in his shoulder. 

“I love you Graham,” you commented, though muffled from his shirt fabric. 

“What was that?” He teased. You knew damn well he heard you the first time. 

“I love you,” you said a bit louder, still in his shirt. 

“I’m sorry, one more time. I couldn’t hear you”. 

“God damn it Graham, I love you,” you finally lifted your head and said it while looking directly in his eyes. 

“I love you too, I just wanted to hear you say it again,” he laughed. “I’m the luckiest man on the planet!” He yelled for everyone to hear, gaining groans and yells of embarrassment and annoyance from his bandmates. Not that he cared though, he was just telling the truth.

[herofics]

Always with you

A/N: I’ve been kinda having a bad couple of days with all the PTSD/trauma stuff, specifically about the whole SA thing that happened when I was a kid, so I want to vent and write some comfort stuff for myself at the same time, so here I go again

TW: Talk of SA/CSA

Gojo had noticed you hadn’t really been yourself lately. You had been staring at your laptop intently for hours at a time for a couple of days now. You hadn’t been sleeping or eating like you normally would either. Actually, he wasn’t sure if you’d been sleeping much at all. You seemed tense, and like you were getting increasingly frustrated about something. He finally decided to confront you properly when you looked like you were about to throw your laptop at the wall.

“Hey, what’s going on?” Gojo asked as he sat down next to you on the couch.

“I’m trying to figure out some things, but it’s not going well” you sighed and set your laptop down on the coffee table.

“What kinds of things?” Gojo inquired.

“I’m just trying to get some more info from when I was assaulted. I’ve been googling some stuff and I requested the patient records from the examination after the whole thing”

“You sure that’s wise? I don’t know if it’s good for you to read about all that” Gojo noted.

“I know… It’s just that because I don’t know enough about it, I tend to come up with all these scenarios that are even worse than what little I do remember” you sighed, rubbing the bridge of your nose.

Gojo knew you wanted to know, but he was scared it would send you into some kind of spiral. You had every right to ask questions, and he knew that you were aware it might not be good for you, but he just hoped this wouldn’t worsen your mental health. You were struggling enough already.

“It’s annoying that I don’t remember much about what happened. I know it’s a defense mechanism or whatever, but I wish I remembered so I didn’t have to guess. The little bits of info I got from my mom don’t really help either, what she’s told me has actually just made me even more scared that the whole thing was even worse” you sniffled. “I’m damaged goods anyway, but I’m terrified that I’m going to make it worse by guessing, or by actually knowing, so it might be a lose-lose situation”

“Hey” Gojo said, making you face him by placing his hand on the side of your face. “You’re not damaged goods. Someone did something terrible to you, and you’re not in any way responsible for that. I know you’re scared, and if you want to read the patient records, I’ll be there for you the whole time” he said, brushing your cheek with his thumb.

“Thanks Toru, that means a lot to me” you started tearing up.

Unlike some people in the past, Gojo had never treated you like you were broken or like there was something wrong with you. He had always been there for you, no matter how bad you got, no matter how tired he was. When you wouldn’t let him touch you, he would just sit somewhere near you and talk about whatever, or let you vent if you wanted to. He had spent countless hours talking you down through a locked bathroom door, when you were sitting on the floor, having a panic attack on the other side. Even when he was on missions, you could always call him, no matter the time of day. He loved you, just as you were, and even if he didn’t know it, he was helping you heal, he’d done that for years.

Gojo pulled you into a hug the second he noticed you tearing up, and held you tight. He knew you had your troubles, but that had never stopped you from being the kindest, most compassionate person he knew. When he woke up in a cold sweat from a nightmare, you would hold him and tell him it was okay, that he was safe. You were always there for him and even if you were having a hard time yourself, you always had time for him. Gojo tried not to burden you, especially when you were having a more difficult period, but sometimes he couldn’t help it. Sometimes he needed you to comfort him, and you were always there for him, just as he tried to be there for you.

“I’ll always be here for you, no matter what” Gojo promised quietly, as he held you close.

[analogwriting]

It Comes in Waves

Chapter 3: Surging Waves

Trafalgar Law x gn!reader tw; some violence and mentions of slavery word count: 3.9k first|prev|next

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Six months have passed. Six months since you saw Luffy off. Six months since you've seen the Heart Pirates. Six months since Ace died. That day still haunted you and it’s all the papers talked about for weeks. You had only read the first one, barely able to stomach it. He had taken a molten fist through the chest by the same guy who had almost taken Luffy from you. The one you had hit with a spear.

If only you could’ve been there sooner…would it have made a difference?

Ace wasn’t the only significant death in the war. The world had lost an emperor and a father figure to many. Edward Newgate, also known as ‘Whitebeard.’ He was Ace’s captain and a wonderful man. You had the pleasure of meeting him a few times. He was always kind and caring, you could see why so many people called him ‘pops.’ You even found yourself calling him the same. He had even asked you to join his crew a couple of times, but you declined every time. He respected your decision, never pushing you but always welcoming your visits. Learning that he also died had sent you into an even deeper spiral.

After you left on your own, you threw yourself into work. The work that always prevented you from joining anyone’s crew. The work that you had been part of for a bit over a decade now. The work that had granted you your high bounty and made you an enemy of the Celestial Dragons. It was neverending work.

When Ace died and you left Luffy, you were so angry at the world. How could it take more people from you? Hadn’t you suffered enough? You took it out in your work. You were ruthless and relentless in your mission, giving yourself no time to rest in between heists. You were running yourself ragged, which almost landed you in the hands of the marines a couple of times. 

As time ebbed on,  the anger subsided and you let yourself slow down. You were running on fumes and that wouldn’t help anyone. If anything, you could make situations worse for everyone involved. You needed to take time to reboot. You also figured it was time to…process. Something you didn’t let yourself do. You’d kept your mind busy with your mission that you didn’t have time to dwell on it.

The island you landed on was that of a tropical one. Those were the ones you liked to stop at. They…reminded you of home. This one even had a large market that reminded you of the ones your island would have. Busy streets, lots of exotic foods, smiling faces of laughing families. It was bittersweet in your eyes.

You wandered the streets, taking it all in. You liked to familiarize yourself with the area before you settled in for the night. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary for the most part. It seemed to be a peaceful place and somewhat of a resort hotspot. That could be good or that could be bad. And you were about to find out that it would be the latter.

Someone called your name. Not your name you go by everyday, no. But your government name. The one that was all over your wanted posters. The one people weren’t supposed to know if you weren’t in your iconic cloak. You weren’t supposed to be recognizable. 

Your blood ran cold and you faltered in your steps. A hand wrapped around your arm, catching you in an iron grip. Slowly, your head turned around as the voice also was familiar. Your eyes trailed up and it was him. Dalton Anwir. The man that had led the invasion of your island, slaughtered and enslaved your people. Enslaved you.

“I found you,” he spat, pure venom dripping into his words as his grip tightened on your arm. You shook your head, feeling panic set in. All of your years of fighting suddenly leaving you. You had no idea how to react right now. “I-I think you're mistaken,” you stammered, trying to pull away but unable to put up much of a fight with the amount of fear currently coursing through your veins. You wouldn’t be surprised if you were shaking. You could already hear the world growing more and more distant, the cries of your people echoing in your mind.

He suddenly grabbed your necklace and you stopped moving. “I can recognize this a mile away.” A malicious smile spread across his face. “You know your little stunt got me demoted. I acquired all those slaves but you were the one that a very important person wanted most.” He closed your necklace in his hand. “I know how important this is to your people. I don't know why, just that it is.” He pulled it slowly towards him and you followed. You couldn’t let it break. It was not only important in general but it was all you had left and carried everything you held dear to you. Close to your heart.

You knew it wouldn't break easy but you also couldn't let him tug it off either. You stayed there, staring at him, and unable to form words. Your mind was spinning. This couldn’t be happening. He couldn’t be here. He couldn’t recognize you. Why? Why did this have to happen?

Then a fist connected with your jaw and you began to fall to the ground when you felt him grab a fistful of your hair and pull you back up causing you to cry out in pain. The world turned blurry and the edges of your vision darkened. You couldn't think straight. How the hell was this happening? The last time you saw him was the North Blue. How the hell was he here? In the New World? There was no fucking way that this was happening right now.

“Please, just let me go,” you pleaded weakly, causing him to laugh. It was the first words you were really able to form and it fell on deaf ears. Not that you expected him to listen in the first place. “You think I'm going to let you go again? Absolutely not. You're coming with me and I'm getting my position back.”

He yanked you by your hair once more and you cried out once again, hands flying to the hand that was pulling on your hair. “Please!” You were desperate. You had no idea what to do. Everything you knew was gone and once more, you felt like the small child you once were. You pleaded then, just as you were now. The results were the same.

He lifted you by your hair and his fist connected to your jaw again but this time he let you fall to the ground. Once more, the world spun and your vision went white for a moment. Your head smacked the ground pretty hard and you were fighting to stay conscious at this point. Suddenly, you felt a heavy boot connect with your stomach and the world grew darker. A ring started in your ears - high pitched and annoying. You started coughing, spitting blood onto the gravel below you. You felt your body growing heavier and heavier but you couldn’t let yourself pass out.

You looked up, world still spinning and blurry. After a moment, you were able to make out his outline and his leg was rearing back, getting ready to connect with your stomach once again. You didn’t even have the strength to vocally protest let alone physically.

“Room.” 

A voice rang through the alleyway, almost omnipresent. A blue light enveloped you - almost too bright. You moved your hands to shield your eyes only to realize it wasn’t a light source. What the hell? Your head was ringing so you couldn't really make out the voice either. You watched as the man began to bring his foot down to stomp on you when you heard the omnipotent voice once more. 

“Shambles.” 

Next thing you knew, you were wrapped around something both soft like fur and rough like clothing. You blinked, trying to make the world stop spinning and make sense of the world around you. “W-what?” The attempt at speaking threw you into another coughing fit and you covered your mouth with your hand, wincing as you did so. Broken ribs definitely. When you pulled your hand away, you noticed more blood. Shit, you might just die.

Now that you weren’t in harm’s way and had a moment to recollect yourself, the world stopped spinning and it was slightly clearer. It was still a lot, however. You also weren’t at your best either.You hadn’t been taking care of yourself, after all.

“Y/n?” You looked up, noticing that you were in the arms of a polar bear. You were about to freak out before your memory helped you out. Right. He was part of that one guy’s crew. What was his name? Tra-? Traf? Traffy? No, that wasn’t right. You also just couldn’t think right now.

“Hey! What the fuck do you think you're doing?” Dalton barked. That's when you noticed the captain standing in front of you with two other crew members. What were their names? Then the duo looked back at you, offering a thumbs up and a smile. Their names hit you. Shachi and Penguin. You remembered playing cards with them one night when you were staying with them. They were scary good at poker. 

You looked towards their captain, taking in his lanky figure. Right. That was Trafalgar Law. It was coming back now. 

You blinked, unable to process that this was happening. What were the fucking odds? Did the gods finally decide to have mercy on you? Let you live this miserable life a little longer?

Law didn't answer the prick, looking back to you and quickly assessing your wounds. The expression on his face was illegible but he almost looked…concerned? You didn’t know why. You weren’t on his crew and you weren’t exactly friends. You owed him for saving Luffy but he didn’t owe you anything so…why was he helping?

“You know this is stealing, right?” Those words seemed to ignite a fire in Law’s eyes and anger flowed into them. He turned, very calmly, to the man a few feet from them. Dalton took a few steps forward but once he saw Law’s glare, he stopped.

“Stealing?” The grip on his sword grew tighter. Anger seemed to be radiating off of him despite the poker face he had.

“Yes. That's property of the Celestial Dragons, you see. I'm just taking them back where they belong.” The man smirked, thinking he had the upper hand by mentioning you belong to them. That’s how it usually worked. Throw the name Celestial Dragon out and people did whatever you wanted. They ruled the seas, after all. They were in control and always got what they wanted.

Law didn’t even flinch at the mention of them. His face remained the same, almost bored. “Yeah? Well, I'm a pirate. Stealing is what I do.” He lifted his hand.

“Room.” Once more, the blue hue formed, gathering around the area. “Amputate.” 

In a flash, the man was in pieces, though not bleeding and still alive. Law was sheathing his sword and you blinked. You hadn’t even seen the doctor move. You blamed it on the state you were in. Everything seemed like it was moving fast and you were having trouble following anything.

“Hey! You can't just leave me like this!” Dalton screamed, the parts wiggling around, trying to move. The doctor turned to you, looking you over. “We need to get you on the submarine.” As he spoke, he was starting to sound further and further away. “Fine! Fine! You can have them! Just put me back together!” The man was growing frantic as Law didn’t seem to have any intention of putting him back together. “You know they’re faulty goods, right? You know what they are, right?” he kept on going, but his words fell on deaf ears, just like your words did earlier.

Law stopped in his tracks, glaring at the man. “I know more about them than you ever will,” he spat.

“Captain!” You heard Bepo call for Law as you descended into darkness. 

--

When you came to, your body felt like it weighed a million pounds. Much like it did some months ago. Only this time, you added physical pain to it. This must’ve been close to what Luffy felt like.

You groaned, moving your hand to shield your eyes from the bright lights above. “Oh, are the lights too bright?” A soft voice rang out and the harsh lighting dimmed. You blinked several times, trying to adjust quickly. Where were you? You tried sitting up, only to wince and settle back down. Oh fuck, this was the worst you’ve been in a long time.

“D-Don’t move too much! You're still healing!” You flinched slightly at the sudden noise. You looked over, seeing the polar bear from earlier. What was his name? That’s right. “Oh, don't worry, Bepo. I've been through worse,” you croaked. It was true. You’d been through a lot worse. This was nothing. It was only this bad because of the state you let yourself get to prior to the incident.

“Still! Even if you've been through worse, that doesn't mean that you should ignore the healing process!” A pout formed on Bepo’s face, concern contorting his features. Had he been watching over you while you were out? You faintly remember being in his arms before you passed out. Did he carry you back? Not to mention how you ended up in his arms. You knew that Law had a devil fruit power, you had seen him use it a bit when he was working on Luffy, but you didn’t know much about it otherwise.

Your thoughts came back to reality and you nodded at Bepo, offering a slight smile. “You got it, doc.” You voice was hoarse and felt like you had swallowed gravel.

“Bepo, you're not suffocating our guest, are you?” Law’s voice came from behind the large bear as he moved into view. He looked absolutely exhausted, like he hadn’t been getting any sleep. You supposed he looked like that before, but even moreso right now. What was keeping him up?

“No, captain! I'm just trying to make sure they take it easy. Can't have them unsetting their ribs and opening their wounds.” Bepo frowned at his captain before looking at you. He seemed really worried. 

It sounded like that bastard had done more damage to you than you originally thought. You felt like you were hit by a truck, did he really hit you with one? It honestly wouldn’t be surprising. You looked towards the doctor. “So, what’s the damage?”

Law pulled out a clipboard, beginning to read off of it. “Well, the big things are your broken ribs and the gash in your head. You also have some cuts and bruises, but those should all heal just fine.” He looked at you. “If you let yourself rest, that is.” His eyes narrowed as if challenging you to argue with him.

You held up your hands in surrender. “Alright, alright. I get it.” You huffed slightly, rolling your eyes. Was he always this insufferable? How did his crew deal with him at all times? Though, maybe he treated them better because they were his crew and you were just a stranger. A stranger that he just happen to run into for a second time and save your life. Just like he did Luffy.

“Bepo.” Law’s voice seemed a bit soft when he addressed the polar bear. There was care there. Bepo looked at him. “Yes, captain?” 

“Would you grab some food for our patient? I would’ve grabbed some on my way back, but I wasn’t sure if they’d be awake just yet.”

“Aye, aye!” The polar bear stood up, saluting his captain and running off. 

You watched as Bepo bounded off, kind of sad he left. You liked his presence - nice and soothing. It seemed he had the effect of a teddy bear. One resided in your necklace, but you hardly ever took it out. You didn’t want anything bad to happen to it. 

“How long was I out?” you asked, mostly to fill the silence. 

“Close to a week.”  Law looked at you, a bit disapprovingly. “Your charts also show that you haven’t been taking care of yourself. That’s probably why you weren’t able to fight back as much and took the amount of damage you did. Not to mention your slow recovery rate.” He sighed, shaking his head. 

You were quiet, not saying anything. He was right on the money. You hadn’t been taking care of yourself in the slightest. You couldn’t remember the last time you had a proper, good night sleep or a decent meal. You huffed. “In my defense,” you started, the doctor looking up from his clipboard and towards you. He raised a brow. “That’s why I was on that island. I was going to…recharge, I guess.” You huffed slightly.

With a groan, you covered your face with your hands. You couldn’t believe this happened to you. What were the fucking odds? Both with that bastard and Law coming in to save the day. It was already a miracle someone stepped in and saved you but someone you already knew? Someone that saved the life of someone you held dear? It was weird how coincidental it all was.

You removed your hands from your face, noticing Law just staring at you. “What?” He seemed to be taking you in, his eyes trailing down to your arms. “Those from him too?” He tilted his head.

You look down, realizing for the first time, that you were in a change of clothes. You were covered up as you usually were, but you were sure he probably saw everything in the process. He had to have in order to tend your wounds and check over you anyway. Your wrists and forearms were covered in scars from the cuffs and relentless hard work you were forced to do while you were a slave. There were even some on your torso and thighs. “Bepo was the only other person who saw them if that’s what you’re worried about.” You looked up, shaking your head. You were proud of your scars - not ashamed. They were a reminder of what you had been through. What you survived. It was a constant reminder of your mission as well. 

“I’m not worried about that,” you finally spoke, “and it’s not from him, no…well…maybe some of them, but it was a time long ago.” You sighed, shaking your head.

You looked over at Law, who seemed to have a pained expression on his face. “Sorry we weren’t able to make it there any sooner,” he said. You blinked. Why was he apologizing? There was no way he could’ve known what was going on. It was a miracle that he showed up when he did in the first place.

“Don’t say sorry, it’s not your mistake.” You shrugged, sighing. A look of recognition crossed over his face and he looked like he wanted to say something.

At that moment, Bepo came back into the room with food. The smell enveloped you and saliva began building in your mouth. You hadn’t realized how hungry you were until that moment. The tray was placed in your lap. It seemed to be a hearty soup and smelled absolutely delectable. The chair next to your bed was once more occupied by the polar bear.

You looked at Law for a moment. “I should thank you guys.” You inclined your head. “If it wasn’t for you, I’m not exactly sure if I’d be alive.” Even if that bastard hadn’t beaten you to death, you’d rather die than end up enslaved again. The captain said nothing, just nodded and left the room, leaving you and Bepo alone.

It didn’t take long for the polar bear to start prattling on about things. He talked about the ship, the crew members, and different things. You welcomed it, not wanting to have to be alone with your thoughts. 

Eventually, you were left alone. Bepo turned in for the night and you were stable enough that you didn’t need someone to watch over you anymore.

Your thoughts drifted off to recent events. That bastard had shown up. If he was there, who the hell else was around? How many of them were stalking the seas? You couldn’t help but feel worry flood your chest. If he had been around and recognized you, it was no doubt other people would possibly recognize you too. Though, what were the chances? Surely they weren’t high enough to stress about.

Your thoughts drifted to the Heart Pirates. If that bastard somehow ended up teaming back up with his colleagues, they’d be in trouble for sure. Especially since Law was well known for being a supernova. You didn’t want them to get wrapped up in all this - especially not after everything they had done to help you.

You moved out of bed, a bit wobbly at first, but fine otherwise. You decided it was best if you left now. You didn’t want to risk anyone catching you. They wouldn’t let you go. Mostly because of the state you were in, but you could take care of yourself. You have many times before.

You spotted your clothes folded neatly off to the side. After a quick change - well, moderate speed, your injuries held you back from being as speedy as you wanted to be - you looked for a pen and paper. It wasn’t long until you found one. It was an infirmary, after all. 

You wrote a quick note for the crew. You thanked them for everything. You couldn’t help but feel heartbroken that you had to leave, but it was better this way. Safer for them.

The submarine was quiet and it occurred to you that if you were underwater you were fucked. There wouldn’t be escaping. Unless they had some kind of port that you could exit out of because then you could just use the ocean to get you where you needed to go, but you weren’t sure about all that. Maybe you should’ve paid closer attention to Bepo’s ramblings about the sub earlier. 

After heading down the hallway, you listened carefully. Past all the machinery and noises of a submarine, you could hear the ocean waves pushing and splashing against the ship. You let out a sigh of relief, that was going to make this a lot easier. You headed to the upper deck, pausing as you heard a snore. That’s when you noticed Shachi, who was supposedly supposed to be on watch, snoozing away. You silently thanked him for doing so before heading to the railing, opposite of the sleeping guard.

You pressed on your necklace, pulling out the small box that contained your Navis and tossed it into the water. Once it was ready, you hopped in, and sailed into the night. The water was calm and the weather was cool. You took a deep breath, taking in the salty air. 

A tightness grew in your chest as well as the feeling that someone was watching you.

[banamine-bananime]

preface: i was writing a list of my headcanons for funsies and got completely derailed with angsty grimmons shit that needs to be scooped out of that post because it’s stupid long. so here

grif worked in honolulu a couple years after hs graduation until kai was old enough (17) he felt he could leave. did a year at university before realizing he’s smart enough to be admitted to cornell but not to get the scholarship he realistically needs to not be in crushing debt on graduation, and also there’s not nearly enough regimentation to college life to prevent him from rotting in bed paralyzed by “oh my god i don’t have Responsibilities That Need To Be Done Right Now for the first time in forever and idk what to do now” and executive dysfunction. went through basic and stationed on the doomed outpost. That Whole Thing (a polite way of saying “sneaking off for a nap on duty, sleeping through a massacre, and waking up to find literally everyone else dead”) was the nail in the coffin that pretty much shot his last shred of motivation and hope to shit, and based on his behaviour and psych eval afterwards (best summarized as “learned helplessness that everything is shit always and he’s useless and never gonna be able to help anyone so 👍 fuck everything fuck everyone just try to eke some hedonistic joy out of life before you die”) he was reassigned to the sim soldiers.

meanwhile simmons tried to do university several times and had to drop out for mental health reasons (a very polite way of putting “rapid spiral into absolute disaster every time”. it leaves room for giving him the benefit of the doubt that this was a proactive “ah i should take care of myself and this is not working for me :) #selfcare #therapy” decision. this is not benefit of the doubt that anyone who knows him would extend.).

I go back and forth on whether to roll with the “that one throwaway line with a suspiciously specific hypothetical of being in a unit that was stranded and had to eat their dog to survive” thing or just say he was assigned straight to sim troopers. on the one hand, i really love grif and simmons having a parallel immensely traumatic first assignment that made them both Worse in kinda similar kinda opposite ways in line with the ways they were each already fucked up

(grif “life is inherently a garbage fire. i am useless. all i can do is look out for myself and save my own hide by absolute never trusting any authority, refusing to get attached to the other fuckers around here (they’d hate me anyways so just let them hate me), and obsessively hoarding any access to food and shelter and comfort because Maslow said I can’t work on health or belonging or esteem until i do :/ yeah i know, sorry, i’ve got a doctor’s note from him right here.” vs simmons “my life is a garbage fire probably because everyone around me is an idiot fucking something up but also because i’m not trying hard enough. i’m sure if i keep Performing The Maladaptive Behaviours even harder they will work and i THEN will feel respected and powerful and loved. you see you just have to keep repressing every feeling so you can suck up to anyone you detect a whiff of Authority Figure on no matter how little you actually respect them, and follow EVERY RULE and work and work and work. and you had better abandon any compunctions about things like eating a dog you loved or backstabbing a friend for brownie points from the CO who hates him or Literally Murdering your CO for a promotion. and if you ever stop desperately trying, fighting dirty looking out just for yourself, and instead just sit still for a moment and enjoy sincere zero-ulterior-motives connections with people, you will probably definitely immediately die of starvation or exposure (it is a metaphor you see. of exposure to the elements while stranded without resources. for the agonizing exposure of allowing yourself to be known.)”)

on the other hand i’m like whoa now. this boy’s got enough problems we really don’t need to be giving him any more or we’re really never gonna pry him free of the woobiefication fics.

[rinwritesfics]

How (Not) to Heal - Chapter 6

Plot: After being rescued from Mount Tantiss, Crosshair has to figure out how to work with the Batch again - and their new medic. It would be fine if he didn’t start to fall in love with her.

Warnings: Injury (not gore)

Word Count: 802

Author’s Note: This chapter was originally part of a longer one, but I had to break it into multiple parts, thanks Tumblr.

Previously - Start Here!

Chapter 6

The freed clones and Ka’li all followed Crosshair down the cleared hallway, anticipating the next wave any second. As he stayed on one side of the hallway split, the other clones followed Ka’li down the other. He caught up with them at each next point they paused at until each coast was clear and told them to move again.

They all finally got to the hall where it was almost completely free of obstacles and the two of them ushered the men out to the stolen and awaiting LAAT/i, assuring them they would catch up. As soon as the men were clear, the two started to make their way down the hall themselves. They skidded to a stop at a security droid with a shield reminiscent of a droideka and dove for cover in a hallway branching off of it.

Crosshair knew this shielding wasn’t quite as efficient as those the droidekas had, as it was modified technology for a new droid, but there was a challenging window to make a shot through. He aimed for a critical and unprotected wire on the column that served as its neck. He just had to wait for the shield to shimmer in a weak point. He brought down targeting magnification on his bucket and peered through his scope around the corner as it ambled closer. As soon as the shield showed a weak point, he fired.

The droid sparked and blew up in a white-hot explosion.

Crosshair stumbled back, the flash blinding him for a moment and causing a sharp pain through his skull. He roared, ripped off his bucket, and covered his eyes.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay. You’re okay.” It was Ka’li. She was the only one who had that softness in her touch and that specific lilt in her voice.

He didn’t hold back. “It hurts!”

“I know, but we have to go. Wrecker’s set the bombs. Let me guide you.”

He couldn’t see her except in his mind’s eye. He had to wait until the pain subsided to look at her, so he nodded. She took his hand and pulled him along with her. He shoved his bucket back on.

It took another moment for the pain to subside some, enough for him to open his eyes. The view was blurry and slightly painful as light hit his pupils, so he let her continue to guide him for another few precious seconds. He blinked away his tears blurring his vision and was able to see well enough to take the lead. He wanted to celebrate by catching a glimpse of her, but he couldn’t, despite her being the most beautiful thing he could ever see.

Not only would the glimpse run the risk of distraction him, but he worried what expression she could have. Probably something gentle in her eyes. Maybe even pity. The thought made his stomach churn. He wouldn’t meet her eyes. He didn’t need or want the pity.

He was grateful each time he found out he didn’t lose his main asset to his squad, but he didn’t want to see anyone feeling bad for him. It made him sick. Reminded him that he had been made for this purpose. Reminded him that every experiment on him had run the risk of losing his eyes and scrapping him if it didn’t work. Reminded him that he didn’t know who he was without his eyesight. He didn’t know his thoughts were spiraling until her hand squeezed his a couple times. How did she know?

They made it outside and he continued to pull her along from the building’s entrance. The Marauder began to fly in and lowered a rope ladder.

“Go! Get to the ship!” he barked. His head throbbed a little, but he pushed it away. He was going to protect his squad – his family. Just like he always has. Just like he always will.

“I’m staying with you!” she yelled.

“Go!” he roared, shoving her across the landing pad to the Marauder’s ladder.

She had only made it a few steps away when another security droid made it to him with surprising speed as he was distracted. It trapped his arms in its hands and held him in position.

Crosshair growled, his shoulder wrenching in the wrong direction.

This clanker wouldn’t get the best of him. He twisted, yanking himself out of its grasp, but pulled his left arm wrong.

He would have to reset the joint when he had the chance, but that opportunity wasn’t this moment. He shot the security droid through the chest one-handed, thankful it didn’t have that modified shield that could make it explode.

He started to make for the rope ladder, hoping he could use that to shove his shoulder back into its socket.

What was taking Wrecker’s explosions so long?

Chapter 7

Tags: @crosshairsbabygurl, @starrylothcat, @thecoffeelorian, @idoubleswearimawriter, @heylosers06, @totesnothere04, @dangraccoon, @the-hexfiles, @jediknightjana

[livingasaghost]

head full, so i'm gonna do a quick brain dump and then move on with my life

woke up from a nightmare where this robot cyborg person was hunting me and so i ended up on the run with like three other people and we went through some kind of traffic stop thinking we were safe but we WEREN'T and i really wanted to see how we escaped but i woke up before that happened and then i was like...ya know, actually i don't need to suffer more than we already are

bc then i woke up to the news that all the diversity events are banned for the federal gov so i started spiraling real bad

had a mini breakdown, cried a bit, texted michelle and wrote a long pointless angry post on facebook to make the older christian relatives i have on there Think About The Consequences of Their Actions (it won't work)

found out my guitar teacher from hs added me on facebook :,)

i am currently in the middle of reading FOUR BOOKS bc ass quest is taking forever and i wanted to start a black nonfic book and then i needed an audio for work and then last night i was so sad about finishing s2 of heaven official's blessing that i opened vol 4 and now i'm over a hundred pages into it........and it's so good

hualian my beloved. save me hua cheng.

actually kind of loving the "reading books in translation" thing i'm doing because even though i've been focusing a lot on chinese this month with tgcf, i already feel like i'm learning a lot in new ways! i ordered a paperback copy of this 1930s classic folklore book that was originally written in yoruba and i had zero plans to pick it up bc i only found out about it like a week ago but now i'm actually so interested to read it...if only because it's so random and kind of outside my norm. idk! translation is super cool! the usa is hell so let's read about other places from non english people!!!!

i started a book by hanif abdurraqib bc people have been recommending him forever and this one is specifically centered on music and it's both well written AND full of taste! already converted me to listening to chance the rappers 2016 record (i remember when it came out but ive never really understood the chance hype bc the only people i knew who listened to him were literally christian white girls like what) and i'm learning so much about so much UGH

rereading aftg is not what i planned on doing this month but every audio sample i tried (i did like ten last week istg) was NOT RIGHT and i just need to listen to stuff while i'm working and somehow here i am, once again reading about neil figuring out how to trust people. three weeks til D-Day. three weeks til kevjean content.

i am very aware that i need to start my bone season reread but i have to finish ass quest first and i'm like 300 pages from the end and i cannot see how this will all resolve in such a short time

but WE ARE ALMOST 3 WEEKS OUT FROM WARDEN CONTENT and i literally am not letting myself think about it until i start rereading because it's been four years and i don't think i'm emotionally ready to dive back into the bone season

anyway. i'm drowning in books. it's all i have and i feel so good about it.

also for the record, today according to libib i own 319 books. so. yeah.

work is kicking my ass again if only bc my boss is being annoyingly frustrating. trying to work on marketing projects (LIKE I WANTED TO DO WHEN I WAS HIRED ALMOST THREE YEARS AGO) and he's just.....making things so difficult. but i do have a blog post going up on my company's website???? crazy times

even though it's annoying i am kind of glad that this weekend is all about cleaning bc my apartment has been dragging me down for weeks and i need spring cleaning pronto (it is feb 1. it's in the 70s next week. it's basically spring.)

OH! aND!!!! i shared this earlier but i think i booked a SECOND wedding for 2025 (which is crazy bc one wedding is usually all i can accomplish these days, and the one wedding i had on my cal was for my beloved tess) and the couple was so sweet when we talked on thursday and they didn't even have to deliberate, like when we left they were like DRAW UP THE CONTRACT LETS DO THIS :,))))

and THEN! after i got home from that, i found ANOTHER wedding inquiry for november so if i pull that off there's a chance i could do a THIRD wedding this fall??? sounds fake, i'm counting on it falling through. but the inquiries keep coming and i swear, quitting insta was the best thing i ever did for my business holy shit

which is to say, i was waiting to book that second wedding before committing but i did something crazy and emailed a brand designer (who is......ungodly expensive but honestly all brand designers are, and as a small business owner i respect it) and i have no clue if she'll even want to do work for me bc she seems very selective but i feel like the universe is trying to tell me to invest in myself? like i thought my business was dead and i thought i didn't want to freelance anymore and i thought i'd never write or read or youtube ever again.....and yet.....life is a circle and the things you love do come back to you and it's crazy but i do think my thirtieth year is going to change everything.

in some ways, i think cutting that person out of my life changed my entire mindset and countenance, that i'm like returning to who i was before them, and yeah so much of who i am IS because of them obviously, but also no! i crushed myself over and over for years because of who they made me into and i never realized just how small i had made myself.

and i've really shifted a lot of boundaries and relationships in general, like prioritizing fewer people because so many people have let me down in the last five years and EVERY STORY HAS AN ENDING AND ITS NOT OUR JOB TO STAY and that doesn't mean i hate them or don't want the world for them but my god i am allowed to stop people pleasing, i am allowed to spend time alone or with just my very best friends, i am allowed to unmask and be myself and not feel bad about the things i love!

but also changing my relationship with the internet has helped. getting off as many socials as i dare, writing more long form posts, building a habit of reading instead of posting or scrolling...i don't feel perfect or completely satisfied with everything in my life, and obviously the outside world is on fire, but goddammit i've never felt this good. not even when i was thriving in 2019. not even when i thought i was doing as good as i ever was when i started college.

you don't realize how broken you are until find where you're meant to be. until you're doing the things you always wanted to do. until you finally finally FUCKING FINALLY are preparing to exit your twenties.

three months til thirty and THANK GOD FOR THAT

[motherhoodandmarriage]

Are You Being Misunderstood by Your Partner? Here's How to Fix It

Have you ever had a moment with your partner where it feels like you're talking, but they just don’t get you? Maybe you’re juggling the chaos of parenting, and a small comment—something they probably didn’t even think twice about—cuts a little too deep. Suddenly, you’re frustrated, and they’re defensive. Misunderstandings like these are so common, especially when you’ve got little ones at home.

If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Misunderstandings are part of life, but when left unaddressed, they can lead to frustration, stress, and even emotional distance in your relationship. The good news? There are practical ways to get back on the same page and rebuild that connection. Let’s dive in.

Why Do Misunderstandings Happen?

Let’s start by looking at why we so often miss each other’s meaning, especially as parents. Here are three common reasons:

Exhaustion and Overwhelm As Parents When you’re running on empty, it’s hard to communicate clearly. Maybe you’re short with each other or distracted during conversations, and suddenly, important things slip through the cracks.

Assumptions We often assume our partner knows what we need or how we feel without actually saying it. For example, maybe you think your partner should know that bedtime routines are overwhelming for you, but they assume you’ve got it under control. These unspoken expectations can quickly lead to resentment.

Different Communication Styles One of you might be a "talk-it-out" kind of person, while the other prefers to process things quietly. Or maybe you vent and they jump straight into problem-solving mode. These differences can create a disconnect if you’re not aware of them.

The Cost of Misunderstandings in your relationship

Misunderstandings might seem small in the moment, but over time, they can build into bigger issues:

Emotional Distance: When you feel unheard, you stop sharing how you feel. Over time, this creates a wall between you and your partner.

Increased Stress: Parenting is stressful enough on its own. Add miscommunication to the mix, and it can feel overwhelming.

Family Impact: Let’s not forget—your kids notice when there’s tension. They pick up on the energy between you and your partner, even if you’re not arguing in front of them.

The bottom line? Miscommunication doesn’t just hurt you; it can affect your whole family dynamic.

A Relatable Example of Misunderstanding

One of my coaching clients shared this story recently. She had a long, exhausting day full of toddler tantrums and never-ending messes. When her partner got home, he glanced around and said, “Wow, rough day, huh?”

To him, it was an innocent comment—maybe even a little attempt at humor. But to her, it felt like he was criticizing her or pointing out that she couldn’t keep up with everything. That comment lingered, and later that evening, they ended up in an argument over something completely unrelated.

Sound familiar? These small moments can spiral quickly, especially when we’re overwhelmed and our communication isn’t clear.

This is where coaching can make a huge difference. Sometimes, you just need a third-party perspective to help unpack the emotions behind these moments, figure out how to communicate your needs more effectively, and create space for better understanding.

3 Ways to Get Back on the Same Page

If misunderstandings have been building up in your relationship, don’t worry—there are ways to repair the connection. Here are three practical strategies to try:

1. The 10-Minute Daily Check-In

Set aside 10 minutes every day to reconnect. No phones, no distractions—just the two of you. Share one thing you appreciated about each other that day and one thing you need help with tomorrow.

This small habit can go a long way in building understanding. One couple I coached said it helped them see each other’s efforts in a whole new way, even during the busiest seasons of parenting.

2. Use “I” Statements and Stay Curious

Instead of blaming or accusing, focus on how you feel and what you need. For example:

Instead of saying, “You never help with the kids,” try, “I’ve been feeling overwhelmed during bedtime. Can we figure out a way to make it easier together?”

Staying curious about your partner’s perspective is also key. Ask questions like, “What did you mean by that?” or “How can I support you better?” Coaching can give you tools to reframe your communication in ways that make your partner feel less defensive and more open to listening.

3. Schedule Connection Time

Yes, it might feel weird to put it on the calendar, but intentional connection makes a big difference. Whether it’s a quick date night at home after the kids are asleep or 15 minutes to laugh together, prioritizing time as a couple can help you feel more aligned.

Why Coaching Helps

If you’re feeling stuck, coaching can provide powerful support to move forward. Here’s how:

It helps you uncover what you’re really trying to say and gives you clarity on your needs.

It teaches you how to communicate those needs in a way your partner will understand.

It creates space for you to explore how to work as a team and rebuild your connection.

When you’re in the middle of everyday chaos, it can be hard to see the bigger picture. Coaching offers that outside perspective to help you move from frustration to real connection.

Final Thoughts

Misunderstandings are normal, but they don’t have to define your relationship. With small, intentional changes—and maybe a little outside support—you and your partner can create a stronger foundation of understanding, even during the busiest seasons of life.

If you’re ready to take the next step and want tools to improve communication, strengthen your partnership, and reduce stress, coaching might be exactly what you need.

Let’s work together to help you feel seen, heard, and truly connected again.

[timemachinechaos]

Not sure if anyone knows me from there or cares really, but I wanted to post a chapter from my fic Percy Jackson and the Unusual Quest (on ao3).

I haven't posted it there yet but I wanted to share this chapter in particular with more people. It's from a Percy Jackson/Harry Potter crossover fic and I know not everyone likes those but this chapter doesn't have almost any magic or HP stuff in it. It's really just Percy&Annabeth fluff.

It's kinda long-ish and the writing probably isn't the best (same goes for the rest of the fic too. I'd like to think my writing improved throughout it but thats probably just me). I think you don't need the rest of it for context but if it's too unclear for people that aren't me I'll gladly explain (just ask).

Anyways, here's the chapter (I'd love to know what people think if anyone reads it) :

Annabeth

I followed Percy as he led me through the castle by the hand.

We stopped at the kitchens briefly and he told me to wait for him in the hallway; he came out a few minutes later with a basket and retook my hand.

We were quiet as we walked, simply enjoying each other's proximity.

And whilst I knew exactly where in the castle we were and all the paths we could take, Percy was still in the castle for more time than me.

He led me up a staircase, down another, behind a curtain and over the secret passageway to a completely different part of the castle, where he opened a painting as if it was a doorway and then up the spiral stairway.

The stairs led to a small opening in the castle wall, high above and big enough for us to step through and onto the roof. 

From there we walked across the narrow path over the top of the roof and around the tower until he stopped at a small, about bed-sized portion of the roof; it was a ledge, surrounded by a kneehigh railing. Architecturally it didn’t make sense - a balcony with that difficult of an access, but then again, a lot of things in this castle didn’t make sense.

He pointed his wand and air shimmered around the balcony - a spell so we’d be invisible to anyone who might be flying through the air (like some of our scouts), then pointed his wand to the floor and a blanket and a couple of pillows laid themselves down over the space. 

Percy set the basket down and sat on one of the pillows.

“Join me?” he asked, patting the pillow next to him.

I smiled and sat down.

“Percy, what is this place? Why are we here?”

“It’s one of my favorite places in the castle. I come here to think or when I just need some peace and quiet. And besides, sunsets are beautiful from here.”

I hugged him over the waist, he put his arm over my shoulders and we sat there, in silence, enjoying the sunset.

I didn’t need to ask him how he found this place, I knew he had lots of energy to burn and probably explored every inch of the castle in his first month, that and the fact that magical creatures adored him and they knew the castle better than anyone else - it didn’t take a child of Athena to figure out Percy would know of these kinds of places.

It was very private as well even without Percy’s spell, shielded from behind by a tower and all around with rooftops. You couldn’t spot us if you didn’t know what you were looking for, but it still gave a spectacular view at the lake and surrounding landscape, even sitting down.

The sun was really low now and Percy summoned some candles so we could still see each other.

He released my shoulders and turned to face me, I did the same.

Percy took my hands in his. 

“Annabeth-” he said.

He released my left hand now and cupped my bandaged right one with both of his.

“Percy?

“What happened?”

He started untying my bandages. It didn’t make sense, it was just a small cut, nothing to be worried about. I didn’t even go to the infirmary, I bandaged it up myself.

“Got cut on one of the lines of the net.” I told him.

He took the bandage off completely now, a single red line all across my palm clearly visible.

“Percy, it’s nothing. Why are you-”

He cut me off by turning over his own right palm, a single red line, mirroring my own running across it. I didn’t understand what his scar had to do with his behavior, it was an incredible coincidence he had a scar in the exact same place as I did but still. 

“What? I don’t understand. We get hurt all the time. It’s nothing-” 

“This is from this morning.”

“Yes, but Percy, still-”

“After I got the curse.”

“How? What are you saying?” I thought back to when I got the scar, it was at that morning, when he was fighting the gods.

Was it really possible that-?

“I didn’t know where my vulnerable spot was. I got hit in the small of my back, where it was the first time and nothing happened. Then, when I fought the gods I started bleeding from my palm out of the blue. And from what I know this shouldn’t be possible, one small cut and I’m supposed to be dead, you remember Luke? The small cut was all that was needed. I didn’t understand at first but now-” “Percy, what are you saying?” “I figured it out at the meeting earlier - when I took your hand. Annabeth, I’m saying that it’s you. You’re my vulnerable spot. What happens to you, happens to me. You die, I die. You’re my anchor to humanity.”

Tears started gathering in my eyes and I buried my face into his shoulder.

It was a huge burden, being responsible for someone's life. It wasn’t as it was in battle, where you know someone depends on you to fight with them, to cover them and they do the same for you. No, with this is one wrong move, one mistake and two lives are lost.

Suddenly I felt a lot happier for the lion pelt over my shoulders - if it came from anyone else I might think they were trying to cover for themselves, giving me their spoils of war to make sure they don’t die. But not with Percy, he gave me the pelt from the goodness of his heart, before he even knew he was tied to me.

We stayed embraced like that for a while, until I finally broke away.

“We should test this. Just to be sure.” I said and pulled out one of my bronze knives.

“You don’t have to. Really I’m-”

I cut him off by running my index finger over the point of the knife, just enough to break the skin and for a drop of blood to come out.

He held up his hand and a matching bead of red on his finger.

“Well, that settles it. You know Wise-girl, there is no one out there I’d rather have my fate tied to. Even though I don’t know why or if it’s because it was my second time or because Sty-”

Once again I cut him off, this time by kissing him.

“Let’s not talk about this now. It’s a beautiful night and we have a moment of peace, let’s just- let’s just enjoy it.”

“Wow, how un-Athenian of you. Postponing a search for knowledge.”

I laughed, a full, honest, bottom of my lungs laugh and he joined me.

At that moment I really didn’t need to know anything, not how or why the weapons merged earlier, not how he could use powers obviously falling under other gods' domains than his fathers, not how we were tied together; all I could think about was how I wanted to just spend a night with him.

And we did, we spent the night on that ledge, stargazing, laughing, we ate the dinner he grabbed from the kitchen earlier, kissing and in the end we made love for the first time - it was natural, it wasn’t forced in any way and it was perfect.

It was a night in a hopeless war, it was a night in between battles and it was the best night of my life.

Which is how I should have known the day that would follow would be the worst day in my life - because why would the Fates change now.

I woke up in Percy’s embrace that morning, his arm over me and the blanket that covered us. I snuggled closer to him in search of warmth that his body radiated like a furnace in the cold morning, luckily our bodies fit together like pieces of a puzzle. I felt his steady breath on my neck and his caressing of my head the only indicator he was awake as well.

I enjoyed the moment for a while before turning around so we were looking at each other. I met his ever changing sea green eyes and said “Hey”.

“Hi”

“I love you Percy, you know that.”

“And I love you too Annabeth, and I alway will, no matter what happens.”

We continued staring at each other as the dawn broke.

It was a perfect moment, sunlight starting to shine, mist swirling and crawling across the lake surface, birds chirping. 

Too bad it was just that, a moment.

Because all of a sudden silence fell, no more bird chirps, no more branches rustling in the wind, everything seemed to dull.

Percy seemed to have noticed as well because his face locked up in alertness. He sat up before sliding from under the blanket completely whilst pulling his pants up.

He threw my own clothes to the spot he laid not a moment before and turned to stare at the horizon.

I had just pulled my shirt over myself, already shaking slightly from the cold, suddenly missing Percy’s body warmth - he was still shirtless, his muscular figure standing tall and strong in the cold air.

I snapped myself out of the fantasy and started getting up to join him when his entire body stiffened.

“Annabeth?” I could hear the panic in his voice.

I jumped out of our makeshift bed and was by his side in a moment.

“Percy? What is it? What do yo-”

He pointed a finger to the horizon, I needed a few moments to see the thing he was pointing at.

My heart almost popped out of my chest.

It wasn’t visible from anywhere else in the castle and even I had to strain my eyes to see it, Percy apparently could see it clearly because he was in worse panic than me.

A tall, huge shadowy figure almost made out of dark storm clouds was becoming more and more clear from behind a mountain in the distance.

“Tha- That’s- That’s Typhon.” I mumbled out.

Percy nodded.

“We’re- We’re doomed. We can’t hope to stand any chance against that.”

He looked at me, his eyes becoming more determined by the second, like he’s made his mind up about something and was becoming more sure of it by the moment.

He stared at me before saying : “Maybe we don’t. But, we’ve got someone in our basement who might.”

“The gods! But they aren’t free yet and Leo didn’t even start working on removing the collars. It’s going to reach us long before we can free them,” the giant was already stepping over the mountain peak and would probably reach us in less than half an hour.

It wasn’t long now before the horns would start, alerting everyone in the castle of our upcoming doom.

Percy looked at me again, an incredibly sad look on his face.

“I know. Our only hope is if I-”

“No! No, no, no, no, no, no- nononononnonon!” tears started gathering in my eyes as I realized what he was suggesting, the reason for his former determination suddenly very clear.

He hugged me but didn’t say anything.

“No, Percy, no. You can’t- We’ve got catapults and scorpions and cannons. We’ll hold on somehow. You can’t- He is an entirely different story from even the gods- You can’t-” I sobbed into his bare shoulder as he waited for me to finish my rant. 

“Annabeth, Wise-girl, you know that when that thing gets into the range of any weapon it’ll be already too late. And you know the gods are our only chance against it. Zeus’s Master bolt caused him to stumble the last time, and I haven’t only gotten the Master bolt, I’ve got my Father’s trident and Hades’ staff plus all of the other godly weapons. I hope it’ll be enough to distract Typhon for long enough that Leo will be able to get you the help we need,” he said softly.

I looked at him, tears in my eyes again. I caught the you in that last sentence and I knew he knew that too.

“What about : we’re staying together, you’re not getting away from me. Never again? You promised Percy,” I whispered.

“Annabeth, if you ask me to stay I’ll stay. I won’t fight until he’s absolutely upon us. But if I go, if I, if I give myself up, if I distract him long enough, if I give you a fighting chance to survive this, I’ll be at peace. I couldn't live with myself if anything happened to you. To anyone in this castle. Please, please let me do this. Let me keep you safe,” he had tears gathering in his eyes now too.

I was sobbing now, crying hysterically but I understood where he was coming from. In that part of my brain that always found logic in any situation, the part I hated. The part that knew he was right, that this was our best shot. The part that knew his fatal flaw would eat him alive if he didn’t do this and someone died.

“Percy, please. Please. Please. Don’t leave me. Not you too,”

Tears were running down his face now too.

“I’m not leaving you. I’ll always be here-” he pointed at my heart, “ and I’ll wait for you. We’ll be together in a few decades anyways. Just promise me you’ll spend that time we’ll be apart living. Don’t close yourself off, live your life. Don’t become a shell of yourself. I’ll be waiting to hear stories of how you lived.”

I didn’t trust myself to speak, so I nodded. 

He smiled, a small barely visible smile that contrasted the tears in his eyes.

A smile that gave me hope for the future, a smile that reminded me of why and just how much I loved him.

A smile that sent another wave of tears from my eyes.

I hugged him tighter, burrowing my face deeper into his shoulder.

“Annabeth, I should get going soon,” he whispered softly and I released him.

I could see Typhon clearly now in all of his impossible size, how could anyone ever hope to stand a chance against that. But if anyone could Percy could - there was still a glimmer of hope in my heart that maybe, just maybe Percy could survive this.

“Percy-” my voice broke, “Percy. I won’t tell you to stay, I won’t keep you from doing this. I just want to say, thank you. Thank you for doing this, I’ll tell you because no one else will. Thank you for giving us a chance.”

I wanted to be angry at him for leaving me but I just couldn’t find it in me. I understood, I hated it but I understood.

We broke apart finally now and Percy whistled like he was pulling over a cab - he called for Blackjack.

He put on his shirt and turned to face me.

“Here, please, take this-” he dug around his pockets and pulled out his magical pouch, he pulled out two drachmas and gave the pouch to me, then he pulled out a stack of papers, folded over each other and stuck them into one of my pockets, then he untied his camp necklace and tied it around me, “ no point in them being lost forever. Also, please make sure my shroud is half decent. And Annabeth, please tell -” his voice cracked, “ please tell my mom it was fast, that it was painless.”

I felt tears starting to fall again and once again he hugged me.

“I’m so sorry Annabeth, I really am. Please believe me. If I knew of any other ways I would take them.”

“I know Percy, I know and I believe you. It just sucks.”

“Yeah, yeah it does.”

He kissed me and we stayed embraced when flapping of wings broke us back into the real world.

Blackjack landed by us on the edge.

“Not for this one Blackjack. Too dangerous, don’t want you getting hurt.” Percy said, to which the pegasus puffed from his nose.

“I’ll take a broom. Yes, I know they’ve got nothing against you, but I need you to take care of Annabeth, take her down. Keep her safe.”

Blackjack reared and neighed and I knew he took Percy’s words to heart.

Horns started sounding as people finally took notice of the approaching giant.

Percy held out his wand and said : “Accio broom”

A few seconds later a horde of brooms flew from all directions and started landing at Percy's feet - one even had a house elf clinging to it, who after being reassured he did nothing wrong apparited away.

Percy picked up the one that was obviously meant for flying and turned to me.

“What do you think?”

“Percy, what about Zeus, you’ll be in his domain, won’t he, you know-”

“He’s literally asleep in our basement because of me, I don’t think me trespassing into his domain would be the reason for him to smite me now.”

He smiled again and stepped closer to me.

We kissed for one final time before I mounted Blackjack and he the broom.

He kicked off the floor and went racing towards the giant, I wiped my eyes into the shoulder of my shirt and me and Blackjack flew off and into the opposite direction to where I knew the war council was gathering to plan the next move.

Blackjack landed in front of the people gathering by the gates into the castle and I jumped off.

They were standing, frozen in fear as they watched the approaching giant but Piper saw me as soon as we landed.

“Annabeth, what happened? Where’s Percy-” she looked me up and down and no doubt saw my puffy eyes, my bed hair, clothes from the day before and the look in my eyes that must have betrayed just how broken I was, I tried to pull myself together as best as I could and to someone who didn’t know me all that well I wouldn't look any different from any other day; but this was Piper, she immediately knew something was wrong. She looked at me, then at Blackjack, then at Typhon and the lone dot flying towards it.

“He didn’t?” she asked and all it took was one nod from me and she enveloped me in a hug.

“What happened?” I could hear Jason ask.

“Percy went to fight Typhon alone.” Thalia answered.

Jason started flying but was immediately pushed back to the ground by the winds that were obviously not of his making; I knew, as did he - Percy didn’t want any help, he knew this was a suicide mission and he didn’t want to risk anyone else’s life beyond his.

I willed my voice to be strong : “He went to buy us time. For us to free the gods so that we might stand a chance,” from the look on Piper's face I knew my voice wasn’t as strong as I wanted it to be.

Leo was already running back at the castle : “Getting right on it,” he yelled.

The others seemed to have still been in shock because no one said anything, they were just looking at me with sad eyes, almost pitiful.

The horn sounded again and Clarisse yelled : “It seems he won’t be the only one fighting today.”

And the first line of monsters broke the treeline.

Before anyone could react however an ear piercing scream cut through the air, a horrible battle cry that left no doubt who it came from.

It was Percy's, even from tens of miles away his voice reached us.

But what followed was even worse, a loud crack, followed by a shock wave that caused me to stumble and I was standing in the cover of the castle, next the sky exploded in millions of colors and earthquake shook the ground.

The monsters froze in fear as they watched, as did we as Typhon roared and stumbled backwards, just a couple of steps - but because of his size those steps meant a couple more miles between him and us.

Roars erupted from our own army as they charged still surprised monsters.

I was about ready to join them when Piper started pulling me back into the castle.

“At least put your armor on!” she said.

[annies-bookshelf]

Really Good, Actually by Monica Heisey #BreakupBookReviews

I know countless other women have been in my shoes before. There's nothing earth-shattering about a girl navigating her first heartbreak and looking to literature for help figuring out WTF comes next, or to feel less alone.

My partner of five years leaving me was not on my 2023 bingo card, especially considering just a week before, she was promising me that we were going to be together forever (but I'm 99% sure there is somebody else). Ouch. I truly thought she was the one for me.

How does someone who loved you for so long walk away so easily? How do you accept that someone you trusted so completely lied to you and broke that trust? How do you cope when you're the one left behind to pick up the shattered pieces of your heart, while they get to be happy and move on like nothing happened?

All questions I'm sure every girl has asked herself after being dumped.

In an effort to answer these questions for myself, and to return to something I love and that is wholly mine, untainted by my relationship, I turned back to my true first love: books.

Narratively, Really Good, Actually isn't for everyone. Many Goodreads users dislike our protagonist, Maggie, but I reveled in the messiness Heisey portrayed. Let's be real; not every woman walks out of her breakup with her head held high and is able to drink her matcha lattes while writing in her manifestation journal and hitting the gym to "find herself" again.

Maggie's kind of a mess. She sleeps with her ex's best friend, is trying to figure out her sexuality through a series of disastrous dates and a disappointing almost-threesome, refuses to go to therapy, and arguably is a bad friend. And while it's frustrating to read, it was also liberating for me. It made me feel less alone. I might not be in full-on self-sabotage mode like Maggie, but I was able to relate to some of her faults.

Her anxiety. Her need to feel loved. Her not being strong and begging to be given another change.

Yet, we do see Maggie grow. After her ex refuses to show up to a couple's counseling appointment Maggie schedules to aid in the process of divorce, she strikes a relationship with the therapist and becomes a regular patient. After being a bad friend, she works on changing her actions and behaviors and makes apologies to those she's hurt. When she sees her ex with Janet - their beloved cat - on the bus, she gets off at the next stop and waits for a new bus.

She's not perfect. She doesn't deal with the breakup in the healthiest of ways. But she's human.

That's what I loved about Heisey's novel. Maggie felt real. I felt validated in some of the spiraling thoughts I'm having. It felt like having a - albeit, much messier - friend going through this breakup with me. And it gave me hope that one day, I'll heal too.

If you're going through a breakup, pick up Really Good, Actually for a read. The way I see it, you'll either relate to Maggie and feel seen, be so relieved you don't relate to Maggie that you can congratulate yourself on handling your breakup better, or be so pissed off at her that you'll forget about your own worries for a while. Any way, a win's a win, right?

[i-just-wanna-be-fuckin-happy]

Food Rules for Eating Actual Food That Nourishes Me and Makes Me Feel Good, Not Gross

The following is a set of rules I developed after reading the excellent book Food Rules: An Eater’s Manual by Michael Pollan (which I highly, highly recommend), flipping through a million cookbooks, heavily googling, watching other families eat in a (mostly) noncreepy way, and just paying attention to my own eating experiences. Note: This has NOTHING to do with losing weight or being “skinny.” I’m really tired of people talking about being skinny like it’s some achievement. You didn’t climb Machu Picchu, you didn’t complete your master’s degree, you just subsisted off of celery and hummus for a week while being the most stressed-out version of yourself the rest of us had to suffer through.

No diets. COME ON! You know this! There is no miracle cure for weight loss. No special pill or juice or cleanse that is going to give you the body you want. I’m so sorry! I wish there was! I would do it. Don’t drive yourself crazy with something that’s never going to work. Also: Food is a good thing. We are lucky to have food. Please, let’s not stress about every bite.

Eat food. Not low-fat, low-sugar, “lite,” protein powder, it-came-in-apackage-that-said-“natural”-so-that-means-something-right? Food made in a lab is not food at all. It’s science. You are not a lab rat. No need to run an experiment on your stomach. I have an exception to this: I keep a (simple) protein bar in my kitchen and at my office for emergency situations. Nothing is worth a hangry version of me.

Eat food that makes you feel good, not sick. Again, simple, but it took me YEARS to learn this one. I stopped eating almost all fried foods simply because I always felt sick after eating them. There is no discipline to this other than realizing that I always, always had an upset stomach after eating fried chicken and deciding I didn’t want to feel that way anymore. Listen to what your body hates. Let your body’s hate be your guide. Namaste.

If you are having trouble figuring out what your body likes, keep a (low-key) food journal. It took me a while to figure out what foods felt good and what put me into a food coma, so I kept a little journal in my purse of what I ate and how it made me feel. Salad with tofu for lunch: HANGRY THE ENTIRE FUCKING DAY. Salmon and lentils for dinner: pleasantly full and energized. Special doughnut for a colleague’s birthday at four P.M.: crazed with sugar, like a baby who just had her first bite of cake and wants MORE NOW, unable to pay attention in a meeting when I really needed to pay attention. Write down for just one week what you eat and how you feel; you’ll be floored by what you learn.

Don’t make food choices when hungry. Have you ever noticed that if you go grocery shopping on an empty stomach, you’ll leave with a basket of ice cream, carrots, and a block of cheese? How are you supposed to make dinner with that? Seriously, can you tell me? Because I’ve been there so many times and have never been able to find the answer. I am incapable of making any choices about food when I am already ravenous. I also tend to get into arguments around this time. “No, what restaurant do you want to go to??? If you have a preference, just say it!” Try to make your food choices when not on the verge of eating another person.

Make your freezer a precious miracle solution from the heavens. Keeping a freezer full of healthful meals, or meal components, is one of the best ways you can make sure you are nourishing yourself. When I roast chicken, I always make a little extra so I can dice some and put it in the freezer. Same with soups. If I make a chickpea stew, I make a couple of extra servings, pour them into ziplock bags I decorate with Sharpiedrawn hearts, and freeze them. My freezer is stocked with fruits, spiralized zucchini, muffin-tin frittatas, turkey meatballs, and other real food. This way, I’m not tempted to buy a box of microwaveable mac and cheese and call that dinner. Tho, occasionally, there is nothing better than a box of Annie’s mac and cheese.

It’s okay to go on a cleanse, but it’s not okay for that to become your personality. I’ve done a bunch of the juice cleanses. I’ve had the charcoal water that costs twelve dollars and “detoxifies” your blood. I’ve done the whole fasting thing. These drastic changes to your eating habits can be good for shaking things up every so often, sort of like the food equivalent to cleaning out your closet, but they are not a long-term solution. DO NOT BECOME SOPHIE. Sophie is the girl standing in front of us in line at the wedding buffet talking endlessly about her juice cleanse and how it “totally and utterly” changed her life and how she “never really liked full meals anyway.” You “never really liked” meals, Sophie? YOU’VE NEVER FELT THE ECSTASY OF STRAIGHT-UP DESTROYING A FULL PIZZA, SOPHIE?! YOU HAVEN’T LIVED, SOPHIE! Never be the one who is endlessly talking about some cleanse, some cure-all, your new diet, the new BEST food trend, etc. You have more interesting things to talk about than what you eat.

Keep a yummy, healthful treat around. At the end of the night, if I want something sweet, I have a few dried mango slices. They are delicious but not something I want to demolish in one sitting. What about a whole-grain toaster-oven waffle with a little honey? Three dates with a cup of mint tea is an elegant and tasty treat. The point is, always have something you ENJOY around you. You’re less likely to binge on things you don’t like when you have something that does satisfy you around. I’m looking at you, can of Pringles I don’t even like but I can take down in three minutes flat. How did you even get in my house?