#i need to be clueless to what i am doing
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i kind of miss my younger hikkikomori pointless life blissfully unaware of my behavior self. can i go back to that with my current interests please please please can i be parasocial and degen without bullying myself please please
#lulah yaps#can i go back to my zombiebeatz2000-esk era as a kid with my crrent interests pretty please#i need to be clueless to what i am doing#being self aware is ruining me#i would do anything for it actually
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alas babes I literally cannot defend this man's name anymore except in the name of ignorance which. you can only claim ignorance for so long
#we established boundaries! no texting! limited contact! no teasing!#and what does he do the day i get sick. text me AND tease me through text#he's texted five times since (as in initiated conversation) and like. yeah i mean he's abnormally clueless but considering we had a whole#conversation where i explicitly said hey. i NEED the space. i need space if we're going to keep being friends#this is all a bit much :-)#thankfully i am 90% over him so this is not as painful as it would've been last month but sheeeeesh#i can't even defend him to my friends at this point because when i show them the texts they go what the actual hey is going on#i don't know if it's a matter of ignorance or lack of consideration or him trying to make things go back to normal#(except 'normal' for him was the time when i was crying like every day because i couldn't handle the emotional intimacy#of our strange friendship) or just sheer carelessness but mannnn what a situation#he told me that if he crosses a line to let him know and he'll course correct which like. yeah i mean i WAS thankful for that#but at the same time why is it my responsibility to draw the line why aren't YOU helping observe the line that#i drew earlier this month what is going ONNNN
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yay! it's august! i've had a lot on my plate recently irl, and finals are coming up in a few weeks, but the worst is over now and i'm ready to start working through my writing to do list!
only problem is i am hugely bad at making decisions. i am wondering if tumblr would please assist me in deciding my priorities for this month? pretty please? it would really help 💞
i feel super shy making this poll. hello 👋
#technically the first thing on my to do list is notfreyja birthday gift#but after that i am clueless#;-;#fic tag#writers on tumblr#idk guys i just. i cant think straight. my brain is scattered. i need directions#i will write more than just the winning thing hopefully. i will plan to get everything on this list touched at least once this month#i just dont know about the ORDER. its the ORDER thats getting me#cause i promised a primordials update like 2 months ago but ALSO i havent finished fan joy july but#ALSO i havent updated cursebreaker in ages but ALSO i want to write more of strawberry for my friend#and ALSO i want to celebrate reaching 200 subs! that's insane! i'm so happy!!!!!#but otoh people keep saying nice thoughtful things in the smts comments and i havent given those guys any food for ages!!!!#I JUST DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO !!!!!
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halfway thru my first drivers ed session. idk if i can do this aftually lol
#purrs#there’s like 30+ ppl in the class and most of them are high schoolers who already have like at least 20-30 hrs and i have 3. also the#instructor is really nice and means well but she is also a little clueless and she embarrassed me in front of everyone (or maybe i#embarrassed myself) bc she had us all introduce ourselves and say what we like to do and i said play video games and she was like oh are you#a bit of a gamer 👀 have you been to any of those conventions. LIKE 💀😭 NO I JUST PLAY SILLY LITTLE PET GAMES…..#but ajyways um. i don’t have enough driving experience to start behind the wheel lessons yet 💀💀💀💀💀 and we r watching videos rn and it’s so s#scary like istill have such trouble even maneuvering the car around how am isupposed to develop situational awareness and be driving on high#hihways and shit. this is so overwhelming. it’s like ‘every moment ur behind the wheel u and the ppl around u are at risk’ well idont want t#to be at risk or risk others lives. but also i need to move out. help 💔💖#anyways this class has INSANELY long breaks (like 15+ mins thank god) and we might be able to end early every day too so. fingers crossed it#wont be that bad and i’ll actually retain stuff and learn to drive fucking finally. but im so scared#also on thursday we are watching a video depicting a graphic c*r cr*sh so. that’s just fucking great#drivers ed tag
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#i wish i could just have one normal conversation where i say the right correct things that are normal#in the right tone of voice and everything#this isnt about anyone or any friend stuff it's about me getting a phone call for a job interview & fumbling it#like idk what it is but the way i talk and interact with people is always incorrect#im saying this on the verge of tears. i try so. fucking. hard. to interact and be social#and make connections with people and it feels like im a fucking space alien making a fool of myself#i dont belong in any group ive ever been in and i never will#and i can't even answer a phone call about my availability without my brain melting out of my ears so i forget#everything ive been trying so hard to remember and say and do better#..... i wanna feel like an important person in a group#i wanna be part of something and feel important and like im needed#and i would be missed if i was gone#i think i could just quietly delete all my social media apps and disappear from every place ive ever been in#and nobody would even notice. i literally dont add anything#im just gonna be some awkward random freak in whatever job i get too#im not ever gonna be liked or depended upon or needed for anything#every other job ive had ive always just felt in the way and awkward and clueless#nobody ever makes small talk with me or comes up to me or invites me to stuff#am i doing something wrong? was friendship supposed to come out of it? what did i miss?#im so sick of being a fucking failure i just dont wanna talk to anyone ever again i just wanna be alone forever#its impossible everythign is impossible
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did i mention that i have children btw. did i
extra doodles under the cut
ft. fan roids flavor npc and mimkin by tairbaz and dummy by thegreendiji
ft. sasha by marmo
#cacterart#oh god i need to make an oc tag don't i... uh...#i'll do it later#brutal orchestra#i suck at making movesets but i DO have general concepts for most of them#cortico is some kind of roids clone (one slightly mediocre damaging move that moves him left or right‚ one more hard hitting one#that applies frail to the enemy and maybe to him also? and also a self-heal move) and also some overexerted passive#irina was made when i was thinking of cortico's passives and came up with one that went along the lines of#“if this party member is not damaged on the enemy's turn reduce their damage by [number]” so her abilities play around that#myaku doesn't have anything. i'm sorry my baby#i know she'd be a support character but support what exactly i am completely clueless.#danny was made with the concept of throwing bombs on the enemy's side that explode after a certain number of turns#(or explode when they reach 0 health and their passive does damage to them? dunno haven't figured it out for sure)#the bombs themselves would deal damage to the left and right enemies and the opposing party member#anyway uhhhh#yeah :)#cacterverse
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Dear Da,
It's the blasted mud that makes me feel most at home. That and the wind. It sets a chill into my bones that reminds me of home. I have been camped within sight of the ruins and, by extension, the Stormgate for a good while now. Perhaps I could charge passed this place, inwards and upwards, or if I am very careful, employ a little stealth. I think that I shan’t though, and my reasons are twofold: regarding stealth, well, it’s not a surprise to anyone that subtlety fails to be my strongest point. I blame the armour, but in this place I daren’t go without it. Mayhap if I went in a storm, but that poses as much a hindrance to my perception as it would the guards.
My second reason is by and large the greater reason: I am here to test my mettle, and if it is so fragile as to be squashed here, then I am not fit to undertake this pilgrimage. I will not delude myself into thinking that every foe that I face I will be able to circle wide around. Some will descend upon me unawares, as that horrid thing which first greeted me in this land did, some will simply be inevitable. And if I have learned but a single lesson, then it is that there is merit in facing a fight which cannot be escaped, rather than trying to forestall it. There are some things which much must come to pass.
So I must challenge these guards who stand in my path. I must overcome them, or I am not fit to move on.
My new companion seems deeply unimpressed by this stubbornness, but perhaps I am simply projecting. The beast which was granted to me by the mysterious lady who also offered to be… a guide to me, in exchange for me to be an escort to her (seems odd that she should need one, given her ability to manifest out of thin air and give any poor soul a fright liable to petrify their own heart, but who am I to question the oddness of this place—sometimes I wonder that it is not some grand dream for it feels as disjointed and ethereal as one sometimes) is perfectly intelligent but cannot communicate with me—
(Here there is a smear of charcoal as if the the writer fumbled terribly, followed by a small, darkish red brown stain)
Blasted winged wretches! They’ll be the bane of me yet. The biggest bats I’ve ever seen, and they like to dive in and try to rip my head from my shoulders. Foul things, they’ll think twice when I take their heads off their shoulders.
But I must rest. I challenge a Knight of no middling skill tomorrow. I wonder that I do not see some exasperation in their stance now, when they see me stand in their path. Then again, I suppose I would feel much the same if I were to be incessantly pestered by one with such a propensity for weed-like behaviour. But in their ability with a weapon and their brutality, they have much to teach me, and I will take every lesson that I am offered if it hones me into a sharper blade.
Sincerely, Wallis
First | Next
#elden ring#elden ring tarnished#tarnished#tarnished oc#fanfic#fanfic journal style#eldenring gatefront ruins#Wallis is failing to acknowledge the mysterious circumstance of their death and constant dying#this is for plot reasons (aka they are eloquent but as about perceptive as a brick)#he really only cares about one thing: a good duel#anyways I’ve been having so much fun with this#wallis is the vessel for my own cluelessness as I go exploring and challenging every armed foe I see into a knightly duel#also baby talk the wolves from a distance (can I has doggo 🥹 pls Wallis needs a hound)#and yes getting dive bombed by evil evil bats#can’t believe they don’t respect the rules of a chivalric duel#I continue to not know what I’m doing mechanically or canonically#which is par for the course with me#and yet#here I am#writing#happy to chat about whether folks thinks death are mechanical or canon#I wanna hear theories 😆
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billions(tm): it's incredible how we just provide a little snippet of material designed to be "guy we all want to push down the stairs immediately somehow" and through this amazing acting alchemy it becomes gold. electric. magnificent. we can't get enough so we will just keep writing this loser character and the actor will somehow keep bringing the dazzling transmutation through his ability
actor will roland: [is aware autistic people are real]
#this is at least half humorous in several ways lmao but also like fr...#winston billions#will roland has pretty much said he is aware that autistic people real. and not [ppl's utterly off the walls assumptions abt what Defines#Autism or what an Autistic Person is like and how you would Know]#i don't think that Billions(tm) would be very much better at that than re: say; taylor's being nonbinary (surprisingly alright yet. u kno)#quant kid 2 could've been anyone but writing Winston is like so certainly the common deal of the inadvertently autistic character#drawing from all the autistic people allistic ppl encounter all thee time without being aware & deciding they're annoying / jerks / too#weird to live too pathetic to die / grating nerds / Funnily Odd in a way you deign to merely raise an eyebrow or scrunch your face at....#so on so forth. ''oh you know Those People we all know who are just Like That''#and deciding they must be ''just like that'' b/c they're either too arrogantly rude &/or clueless / Unaware to be neurotypically superior#also do not get me wrong lmao big old proponent of Did You Know That? Actors Act. Now You Know#so of course yes will's acting is off the shits i mean here i am am i right. and he is using it when he is acting.#the acting talent Is off the shits. the tiniest moments they give him & he CRUSHES KILLS it really is amazing i'm not waving it off at all#cue twitter randos so betrayed when kelly aucoin is not dollar bill & is like ''yes in my acting job i'm playing this fuckin asshole''#meanwhile i'm still following the interviewer who a) asked will anything abt billions b) talked abt the immediate striking intro of will's#as quant kid 2 And the immediate draw of / effervescent dynamic between winston & taylor. Someone Who Gets It#anyway it's like will can fathom that actually the people who are Always ''acting wrong'' w/their bad grating vibes no matter what they do#are not always Those People(tm) who We all know & loathe right....thee magic of knowing winston can be someone fully earnest#and of course always actually trying; & having perfectly comprehensible wants & needs. damn how's he doing that#bringing a certain je ne sais quoi to this Insufferable Loser Nerd material! so we don't mess with the process.#i.e. we will only ever let his role get dunked on forever b/c sure can't fathom anything else anyways. our Correct characters could never..#only tuk; adjacent in wrong nerd loserdom; can be his friend. rian who is correct but zany with it can be his abusive friend
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I need like. A bible level miracle of an opportunity even suggest itself to me so i can possibly start a career in something lol
#its unfortunate but its true thay i am in fact running out of time i could be using to accomplish something meaningful and set myself up#for a promising future. like ill be having a late start regardless. but i know that this is something i have to do sooner or later#i cant stay in retail. i cant serve people who willingly politicize a genocide as it happens in real time#i know there are plenty of zionists here just based on the comic store job alone lol i know theyre here too#despite there also being plenty of palestinians that i have Already witnessed just outside my current work now get ostracized#its gut wrenching. i cant stay here#but i am abbbbsoLUTELY clueless in what i should be working towards#ill be honest...i dont like my new job and i Dont trust my boss. i dont like her. she is rude and unnecessarily so.#if i so much as wore a palestinian bracelet i know im going to relive some twilight zone stern talking to shit Again#what ever happened to community or humanity anyways im getting off topic lol#i just needed to write all these rebounding thoughts down theres a lot going on#i gotta go on a quest and figureee it out. you know#figure it OUT 💪💪💪
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considering how many fatherless kids he’s become a father or uncle figure to, can you imagine just how many times kiryu has been asked to walk someone down the aisle at their wedding? and no doubt unless he was in hiding or something he’d absolutely feel honored and obligated and do it every time. and would be brought to tears every time just so proud and so happy for them…… ah……….
#crying in the club but in a good way :*)#kiryu#kazuma kiryu#yakuza#rgg#rambling#funny to think about this and then consider his own future wedding (to you know who) cause he SEEMS like the type to be totally fucking#clueless on what the hell to do at a wedding/to arrange a wedding#but if he’s been to like fifteen of them as an important role I mean. he’d actually kinda know what he’s doing probably. at least more than#someone who’s never had an important role at a wedding#funny to imagine majima being all over the place and a whole ass mess not knowing what the fuck he’s doing for once and kiryu being oddly#calm and competent for the most part. apart from some natural inevitable pre-wedding butterflies of course#majima: where the fuck am I supposed to find a priest to seal the deal or whatever I don’t know any priests do I look like I’d know any–#kiryu: we don’t need a priest. just someone who can officiate. I already called someone to do it.#majima: i love you so much
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Feeling like a Yuma morii Pokémon card
#talkingcore#got my little book prize and tell me why books are heavy I was surprised with the hellsing manga and now this why are books heavy#don’t get me wrong it’s cool but this thing barely fit into my backpack twas intimidating#oh yeah so excited for next week when everything goes to shit! yay strikes! not good that they have to be striking#but no discussion sections means more brain silly time. we love brain silly time :)#also every day I get more pissed about March madness I am not emotionally invested in basketball but they’re letting the wrong teams win#like last night I’m sorry but you let Michigan state get fucked so another willie the wildcat could win??? fuck Kansas state#msu has like one of the only bearable mascots in the big10 and you let them lose? in overtime too???#Xavier’s still in though I’m holding out for Xavier I love the blue blob I love stupid looking mascots#Western Kentucky? W. Syracuse? W. Pepperdine? W. Mizzou? W. Ohio State? MASSIVE W.#okay like Akron? they got zippy!! he looks a lil stupid but where else do you have a kangaroo!!!#either you’re intimidating ugly cute or silly like I think Arizona state is intimidating silly because it has a sleek sharp design#but also the dude looks a lil dumb#or like penn state is just ugly but berkeley is ugly cute (actually I really don’t like oski but other people do so I shall be less hostile)#and like all those blobs? Xavier western Kentucky Syracuse? cute silly!!#I need to do my little charts again because I got distracted at like Arkansas and frankly a lot of my knowledge is limited geographically#like my state and where I’m at school I’m pretty good with as well as places I know people have gone#but like not many people where I’m at are going to say Tennessee so I’m not as familiar with a bunch of schools there#which I need to fix because there must be so many epic mascots there that I’m clueless about!!!#okay some states like Wyoming I know have like Two Colleges so it’s easier to know things there but like Mississippi? no clue what’s there!!
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Cracks me tf up how Ozzie is literally. He looks exactly how he did when I first drew him
#random post#the only *real* differences are cus. I draw differently now than I did early 2021 😭#overall his colors and shapes are p much the same lol like the others? very noticeably different#he was just always cool ig lmao#yknow what? they all at least. you can tell who is who#hand their colors have been relatively consistent (ignoring that first drawing with August I literally didn’t know wtf I was doing lol)#THE FRUIT DADS ARE. 2 YEARS OLD NOW???#WHAT!!! THE FUCK MAN!!!! 😭#and they still have their signatures (by that I mean they still have their like. shticks)#(like Max was always the big dark creepy cool fucker. Ozzie was mad for no apparent reason)#(Blondee was chill and tired. August was always kinda silly/weird with a NEED to be with people)#(goose was always sweet and clueless and gangly)#but they’ve definitely changed a lot too! especially August lmao like he used to be the token straight guy but then I gave him 8 boyfriends#to compensate for my crimes </3#and I definitely made them more like the ages they are (40’s) both looks wise and how they act (I try to at least lol)#I definitely made their personalities better. sorry but they weren’t. exaggerated and cool enough back then </3#and I made August and Goose cousins and August and Blondee ex’s (I am ignoring that one post with August friend flirting goose. I don’t see)#overall they’re more fleshed out (both character wise and. they’re thicker now GAGGABAGAH)#and it’s p easy for me to write dialogue with em now! I know how they go about talking and their mannerisms and more or less how they feel#about certain topics/people/things. woof. they’ve come a long way I really need to draw a really good group shot of them...#ok I kinda got sidetracked and forgot what point I was trying to make lmao but!! love the fruit dads!! love the fruit daughters!! sometimes#it just takes a year to get things situated!! 😭
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If you are here to reblog this post without further commentary on it please consider reblogging this version (link)
I'm not done here actually. Dehumanization like "zombie sheep" is in direct opposition to the kinds of strategies we are going to need to survive after January 6th. Yes, these people voted for something horrific, but they are still people and as things get bad most of them are going to be negatively impacted– and when that happens we need to be there to support them because that is how we get them to join us and fight back. Everything that makes them susceptible to right-wing propaganda will work in our favor in the right circumstances.
We simply will not get anywhere if we are determined to not see people we hate as people. Humans can learn and grow, zombie sheep cannot.
ETA: Since people are misconstruing my meaning here, we punch fascists on sight. But if someone says "I didn't realize this would happen when I voted for the fascists" or there's even a single crack in their loyalty you scoop them up ASAP no matter how much you want to toss them off a cliff because with a bit of compassion you can get them to turn against the fascists, and that is how we win.
ETA: Since this is tumblr and I am sure someone will accuse me of pissing on the poor here, yes people who've become bigoted because of misinformation and propaganda cause harm, and no you should not engage with them if it is not safe for you. When I made this post I thought maybe 10 people would see it so I wasn't going to go into detail
Young people have GOT to stop talking about conservatives like they're scary menacing monsters. Yes the policies they back are horrifically destructive but that's entirely because of how individually stupid, fearful, emotionally stunted, weak willed and catastrophically gullible they are. That all is what made them become right wing to begin with. Just the most easily manipulated zombie sheep on earth.
#and like. fulltransparency here: if I find out people I know did not vote for harris they get cut out of my life#I am not gentle about this with the people I associate with. but I do not consider them a lost cause#that's because my social sphere is mostly college-educated people from blue states though and they have the resources to know better#organizing a resistance means working with people you don't like and wouldn't trust in your personal life#and i will hold my nose and teach a clueless right leaning person about trans rights if it helps keep people safe#and you know what? someday they might become a person i can trust. but only if i give them the chance#i know I'm focusing a lot on the strategy aspect because that's what people need to hear#but even beyond that you should care about other people's wellbeing simply because they are other people
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Why is it always so hard for me to convince myself everything will be ok
When I think I feel better some other thought sends it crumbling to the ground
I'm sick of being anxious about every little thing. I don't want this anymore.
#i dont know what to do#or how to do it#i dont know how to act or react#im so tired#i feel so clueless because i dont even know how to help myself#i feel like if he knows about any of this it will draw him away but i know that that is stupid#i fucking hate feeling this way#im scared#but idek what im scared of#i should be feeling content about all of this because i understand exactly why its happening#i understand he will come back#so why am i still so scared#i dont want to be scared i just want to live my life#but hes been my life for so long... fuck.#i dont think i even want him to see this#i dont want to burden him with all my stupid thoughts#i just want to feel better#but how#vent post#relationship vent#vent#i cant even distract myself with school because im so tired of it. i need a break from it but its my only distraction
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opened my dms again.. but still dunno how to talk to ppl... im so bad at this uweh
#pupper rambles#its not just the awkwardness coz i lowkey dunno how to talk to ppl#its also the fact ive never ever sexted anyone or done anythin of the sort like im so fuckin clueless on what to do#ppl come into my dms w expectations and i have No Idea how to react idk what u do in these situations!!!!#i wanna see ur dick! no i wont show myself! idk!?#ueueueueueue someone teach this dumb puppy#if u ask me what i want i wont know!!! idk!!! ive never done dis before!!!!#im too autistic for this yall i need clear directions and choices#and u need to explain what happens based on those choices otherwise ill be too scared to choose#ALSO IM SHY AS HELL#I CANT TELL U ANYTHIN THATS EMBARRASSING#HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO ANYTHIN LIKE THIS#ueueeueuueueueueueue
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dining hall energy is so fucked
#boink#school tag#i hate it here#but if i go home i will fall asleep#anyway i have one friend that i do stuff outside of class and rehearsal with#but things are#..#weird rn#:/#so#idk#i just cant be alone or i will start losing it so fast#i need to get dinner but they have a new buffet system and im so scared to do it by myself#i spent three hours today with the guy i like#two of which were impromptu#it was pleasant#i need to get over him#i care about him a lot but the crush part of that has to end#he's in love with someone else lol#he told me about how theyre hanging out this weekend and he seemed so happy#and i am very happy that he's finally getting somewhere with this person#however. for my own sake. i need to move on asap#i especially do not need him catching on to my feelings. sk#so . so so so#he's so lovely though. he's just so lovely#i can hardly listen to him talk without smiling#he's very into math.#he's applying to grad schools and he said that if he can't get in anywhere for what he's looking for he'll do quantum computing. as a backup#in many ways i dont really know what to make of him#he hates people. he loves his friends. hes a mathematician. hes a communist. he hates engineering. hes kind of clueless. hes wonderful.
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