#if u ask me what i want i wont know!!! idk!!! ive never done dis before!!!!

[useless-pvppy]

opened my dms again.. but still dunno how to talk to ppl... im so bad at this uweh

[wickedpact]

You can't just drop that "I read Forces Multiplied" bomb on us and not give a ten page written reaction.

[cracks knuckles] if u insist

nicky cant drive hc: destroyed. rip. also i loved how andy and nile stole those sports cars and were being badass and driving off the bridge & meanwhile joe and nicky were just absolutely vibing in the van

'heres the thing about power: people who have it think they deserve it' [shot of police car] i see u greg

5 whole panels being dedicated to booker not being able to unlock his door. booker not even seeing noriko sitting RIGHT THERE in the window at first. incredible

noriko being 24/7 horny was surprising. like wow all of the stuff i saw she did out of context was 100% equally horny in context as it was out of context. love that for her

i didnt think the 'andy + slavery' thing was handled as badly as everyone made it out to be when telling me about it. tho from the way it was talked about i had kind of figured the conflict between andy and nile re: slavery would be really racially charged (esp considering nile is a black american and would obvs have Thoughts on the subject in that regard) but like,, done in a cringey 'a-white-guy-obviously-wrote-it' kind of way? but it wasnt that. i mean. it makes sense that andy would be implicit in slavery through the years

i mean, like she says, is that not what people just did to each other in the aftermath of battles for thousands of years? and i really like how its pointed out that it was what she was raised with (in the beginning when you see her put shackles on that guy after the battle) but she also accepts responsibility for it and acknowledges that it was wrong and not just 'what people did'.

i like how from her expressions you can kind of tell baby andy knew it was off but she sets those feelings aside bc she felt angry. it explains how she felt but didnt make her out to be blameless in it. plus i mean. i dont know, the fact that andy was involved in a lot of morally shady stuff for 7000 years is not that wild for me. if you live that long youre just Going to be involved in some shit, and she didnt even have other immortals with her as positive community influences, she literally just did whatever the fuck she wanted for thousands of years

'i was worshipped as a god once' i mean, yeah no shit she wouldve been involved in some seriously fucked up stuff, gods were fucking scary back in the day

tldr it could use some polish but it wasnt that bad

tho everything people said about moose being boring was unfortunately a little true. sorry king i tried to be interested in you

joe and nicky writing verbal fanfiction about nile and moose was iconic. 'you seeing that?' 'i am definitely seeing that'

it was also extremely funny bc that was like 60% of their contribution to the whole comic, besides kidnapping copley. they came, they wrote some fanfic, they left. kings. at least in tog1 they had an excuse to be useless bc they got kidnapped

joe just found out his old friend who he thought was dead is alive (and also probably wants to murder them) and instead of investigating with andy he stopped to help nile up. champ.

nicky shooting noriko through andy was cool. rip to the concept since it wont happen in tog2

wanna see mr ejiofor deliver this line

on that note imo copley was. weirdly enough, more interesting in fm than in tog1. to me at least. the fact that andy let him live and he was so haunted by what had happened that he came back and sought them out despite knowing they would likely kill him for it bc he wanted to not only make up for what hed done but also to tell them what theyd done for the world was admittedly more interesting than andy just kind of drafting him to the cause and him going 'okie'

i like how nicky was drawn in this one. in opening fire he looks like a blob man but in fm he looks more like a very nice grampa with a very good dye job

'theres no pain like a broken heart' andy 🥺

noriko implying andy's never drowned. .. .idk about that one, she musta drowned sometime

joe and nicky came, they waxed poetic about nile's love life, they waxed poetic about grog, and then they left.

sports bras being a reason humanity is good. i mean..... okay, yeah.

i mean. wild but you cant exactly tell her shes wrong

i liked how noriko telling andy that their purpose is to make people suffer coincides with joe and nicky finding out that they actually did good all those years

joenicky in opening fire: jail for booker jail for booker for 100 years

joenicky when copley tells them he knows where booker is: WE'LL KILL YOU WHERE IS HE

joenicky when copley comes back: if your vibes come off as even remotely rancid we Will destroy you

joenicky 2 minutes later when copley helped them find booker: he made up some ground :)))) <3 lov you j cops

theyre forgiving af

moose: how old are you?? a hundred??? a thousand???

nile [vine voice]: I M 2 7 ?

alright andy you got me there

joe texts like my aunt

i dont know why noriko drowning andy in that car tickled me. Bad And Naughty Andromaches Get Put In The Pear Wiggler To Atone For Their Crimes.

the drowning sequence was cool

copley trying to talk to andy while she was like o_o at him was great

ive hit the picture limit but id seen that panel where nicky goes 'forgive me' as he kills a guy out of context and it was HILARIOUSLY anticlimactic for me to discover that there was literally no context to it. nicky just apologizes to random people he kills. i thought that guy was someone he knew or something. nope its just Some Guy that nicky didnt know from adam

nile's complaint that andy was especially brutal to the guys on the boat... i mean. . , how exactly does one kill a man with an axe and not be brutal about it?

it was funny how noriko kissed andy and the only people who seemed surprised by that were nile and also andy

nicky and joe's complete non-reaction to finding out noriko is alive And Evil Now is endlesly funny. they just left her on that boat and neither cared. i get book and nile not caring but joe and nicky knew her, and they just have 0 input on the subject of what to do with her

pinstripe suit guy!

joe and nicky and booker packing up and leaving with nile

andy blowing up at nile was A Moment tho

i dont know, i get why people didnt like the ending but its. .. . it makes more sense in the comicverse. bc the squad doesnt really. .. interact outside of jobs? i mean, think of the moon landing story in ttt. that was booker and joe and nicky doing a job and andy only showed up a for a couple minutes after it was done. or the brunch in the first issue of opening fire. the squad arent as tight in the comic, and andy often seems to do her own thing outside of work, so andy saying 'i dont want to do work anymore' and the squad being like 'alright bye then' makes more sense in this universe than the movie one

also i feel like greg was Trying to set up a thing where nile becomes the Leader of The Squad after andy dies but like. its not very well done since. . . i mean, nile hasnt spoken to booker since opening fire, (and she only knew him A Day). and shes known joe and nicky all that time, but there isnt really anything that indicates that they have any relationship at all, much less one that's grown. in all the comicverse the only time nile and nicky speak is in FM, and in that scene nicky tells nile about noriko. nile goes from someone who needs to be set aside to have background knowledge explained to her to being the Leader of the group with nothing in between. it kind of... comes out of nowhere.

on the other hand tho... i felt really bad for andy thru the whole thing. well, i always felt bad for andy, but in this one she seemed so miserable, especially since it really felt like none of the others actually.... cared about her. when noriko came back no one asked andy how she was doing (big question ik, but it wouldve showed they cared at least), nobody ever expressed any concern for her, no one even really seemed to want to be around her. in opening fire everyone was more distant than in the movie of course, but there were little moments where she would joke with joe, or nicky would try and comfort her, or stuff like that, but in FM it really felt like they just didnt really care about her. & in opening fire it felt a lot like andy's relationship with nile breathed some new life into her, but in FM it felt like all they did was argue. i get theyre not *as* close in the comics but it really felt like the only person who cared about andy at all was noriko (which was probably also how andy felt) but it just seemed to come out of nowhere. honestly i was reading and i was honestly agreeing with andy that she might just be better off if she did just die. opening fire, on the other hand, never make me feel that way

tho everyone made it sound like when the squad split up it was one of those cursed 'the found family leaves each other at the end of the journey' tropes. but guys i mean,,, this is the second installment out of three. that isnt the End. theyll come back in the third one and Dramatically Reunite to fight some baddies (probably those 'others' noriko mentioned). im guessing yitzhak fits into that too somehow.

anyways it wasnt That Bad but it made me kind of sad and the only Sweet Found Family vibes in it were when they saved booker. also they shouldve beefed up that nilemoose romance, it underwhelmed me. 6.5/10

i also ABSOLUTELY understand all of greg's comments about how you couldnt make FM directly into a movie, he always said that it had no plot and. i get it now. it really didnt have a plot sdfghjkl

[coolspacequips]

sorry to bother you, but I was wondering about a thing..., so I’m interested in rp-ing but I have absolutely zero idea how to get into it on tumblr? Like, I’ve done it before with one of my irl friends, but idrk how it works here. How do you find people to do it with? How do you let people know you’re interested? Do you have a separate blog for it? is it through dms or? Again sorry for all the questions but I’m v curious and want to get into it but I don’t know how :(

hey anon, ur not bothering me at all!

im worried that i wont have a very good answer, though... a lot of the time, i just kinda stumble into it thru blogging and chatting w other ppl in fandom/shipping/writing tags (like w this shiro). at this point i basically just have a handful of ppl i write with who go thru multiple plots w me, with a promising newcomer every once in a while, and most of my chats are rly hit or miss. ive just been blogging and rping for a long time so ive garnered a little interest along the way :’)

i have never rly successfully rpd on tumblr, i also dont know much about it, but i think if u are committed and try to reach out there are a lot of indie rp blogs out there that might try a prompt or scene w you! that seems to be the main way that ppl find partners on here? i have a few rp blogs that follow me, and ive glanced curiously thru to see that they tend to just be writing scenes w other indie rpers by reblogging from each other and adding on

ive seen a lot of rp groups and games in the different rp and rp advertisement tags, but these tend to be more oc focused, and tbh ive joined a couple and its hard to get that many ppl to commit to writing long term, so they tend to peter out quickly. if youre looking to write voltron characters, specifically, sometimes i see discords floating around, but ive only ever joined one, and it was a voltron rp group that was p much dead and died off not long after

i usually write offsite, there are assorted forums i used to check every once in a while, but again forums tend to be more oc focused. most forums have a one on one section where ppl post adverts saying what sort of things they want to write, though, and ppl express their fandom/shipping preferences there! unfortunately thats all i know afojewafjw idr know what the forum scene is like these days

i know that ppl use instant anonymous/chat based sites, but idk much about them, either. theres gen chat sites w rp communities, some actual rp sites, and a homestuck one, but theres more than hs on there now, so it might be worth a look! these chats tend to be v short form and filled w people looking to cyber, so go w caution if u dont want that, and check that ur partner is 18+ if u do want that, but it can be hard to find anon partners looking for ur same fandom, from what i hear. unless its the hs site and ur looking for hs

for the most part, rping online is a lot of hunting and pecking around for partners w varying degrees of success, its rly just a patience game, and learning where and how to advertise urself, but it seems like i can never rly find any rp hot spots these days. forums have always been slow-moving, and are increasingly less popular w platforms like tumblr around, but its hard to find the rp communities here

i get occasional asks abt rps, and i rly think that there should just be a tag or something like #vldrp so we can all tag and find each other!! maybe a blog or a discord? idk anything about running these things, but maybe ill look into it someday. it seems like there rly are a LOT of ppl that want to rp, but everyone is spread out w no idea of where to look!!

i hope any of that was helpful anon apfjewaepweif��

i know its not much to go off of, but finding a good rp online rly can be like finding a needle in a haystack. on tumblr especially things can seem a little cliquey, but from what i can tell everyone is starving for rp partners so new writers would be more than welcome!

[misterbitches]

@flootweed ​

ATOTS

That's super fucking romantic? Like tragic but in a nice way. i love that shit. i'm a monogamous slut for romance pghiosuag even tho we have to learn to live alone too but it's just like the NOTION is nice?!??! awwww i told my mom that SOPHIE's gf was like "she died taking a picture of the moon" and how it was like idk. the gf was just processing it and she thought it was romantic and my mom was like "wow.....depressing" bc think she thought it was stupid millenial shit i was like no mother doent u see she died in the BEAUTY LMAO but then i told her jessica walter's husband died the year before and then she died and she was like "aw...kind of romantic" LMAOOOO i guess two people have to die. why did i tell this story? i am so sorry. the show ended today right (ep 10?) i didn't realize it was that short. so i hope it was a happy ending? (tell me) i understand why you love the atmos! it's like, not really been done. there's this BL that i hear isn't too great but it does take place in a rural part of thailand and there's way less budget. a lot of ppl seem to like it. ep 6 LW / LW in gen gotta be honest, rushed through it. i knew spoilers from jump cause BL spoilers are just absolutely nothing and sometimes ur just like i need to know. i do not understand the ~silently lookin 4 u~ trope it always backfires and is also DUMB. so happy about tiffy. a girl who likes girls but ends up with a man bc of mommy and also the man is ok....it's me. she's gorgeous and actually [h*lf] gay so it's great. god ok i feel so old again. lmaooo but i was like obsessed with lady gaga for that reason (dont ask...also how i got kinda popular on tumblr way back in the day) and shes just absolutely fucking beautiful and bad ass. (which kind of doesnt helpcos they r all skinnty but that's FINEEEE) right? i mean like i guess cos we knew abt it? i can see why he was so pissed off, too? i mean i'm so fucking like...sensitive to being told what to do so i was angry for him from jump. i guess i was also looking at it different wholetime cos i knew the spoilers? i'm assuming u did too lmao. so we knew hed be pissed and leave. and frankly that's what sib gets. just for you my friend i will watch it and update. i think MANY times in shows in gen but it is something you notice a lot in BL bc they are just absolute novices most times. in this case, gene's actor mostly well (and i like him as a person just cos he was on that thai 3 girls in a car show and used to date on eof them lmao) can act so i will look over that scene to see how sib's actor plays off him. but the pausing in between sentences or for so long even decent actors or actors doing better. kao is not bad, not great so they will talk slowly because dramatic acting but the problem is most times it's too long. even if the person is an adept actor it won't always work and YES THEN THAT MEANS THE EDITOR COMES IN AND SNIP SNIP SNIP! it's too long. and sometimes it just does not work even if you can act. but it is GLARING when they cant or are average (someoe said this about tharntype and my god lmao tharn..is...so...slow...in...talking...the actor idk his name it's one of em, the other one with the nose (type) is....different not better but he certainly does not talk as slow. they arent bad but they are not good so.) also sometimes they are forgetting their lines. some ppl find this charming. clearly we do not lmao. what is their relation? what is going on there? i don't have a problem with stepbrothers as long as they didn't grow up with that sibling bond. many times blended families really have to watch out for that kind of fraternizing but it's always when theyre older and teenagers bc they didnt grow up w/ each other....i mean they have chemistry so i'm whatever. but. hennYYWAYYYS.actually it's bc im an idiot i didn't read it as Mhok (singular) and aey's father. Yes and his sister who i think i may hate? im like bitch okkkkkk but. his name is lhong. and he is a psycho. i mean so is type. so. oooh it could be that he stole! but also i'm pretty sure cos hes gay lol or did they

not make that explicit? the thing is i had to skip through most of that scene too because the drama was WAY too much for me. too much. lmao. the sister thing i got and it made sense and iliked that. oh yea he is gay and they know. that's a big one.

WBL

haven’t watched color rush! did you like it? i have seen wyel, parts of mr heart, and ofc to my star :) 

ohhhhhh ok. i get you. yea he definitely wasn’t being ooc cos i think that....what u said. and also like....ugh i cant even think rn. i like sam lin a lot so i like gao shi de but i gotta say. lmao. hm. first of all. yes it is creepy what he did. it’s fucking weird. and sad that his whole life revolves around him. it’s not as fucking weird as LW but still like when he did the door thing. i was like UMMMMMMMMM cos i really didnt want it to be constructed. and when it was i was like imma suspend my disbelief. but if anyone dared...

and so what he did in s2 i think he just couldnt realize that he was loved back which is why it’s good he WAS ALONE for 5 yrs imo. but he gave shu yi 0 choice and for that i am pretty sure i would be even angrier. i do think though that the father’s role is pretty important but i can see how the show is like....letting that go? bc as fucking weird as GSD is, he was still like...20? i guess and shu yi’s dad is like. crazy? i am also like he really had to fucking start a company to get noticed like are u joking? is it also that easy? and also why? lmao i just. ugh. i think that probs bothered me the most...priorities.

i like the show! well idk if i love it but sure. i think it’s decent lmao. i understand what you’re saying. for here it bothers me less but i certainly don’t think it was OOC. immature and stupid but like...that’s.....what they are. i also don’t have a problm with the timing from a technical point.

however, when i started the show? i had NO clue what concept of time it was. and that was very annoying. tehy redeemed it bc of the comedy aspects (the first time shu yi sees shi de is so fucking good, i really loved the shot and editing; it’s hilarious and silly) and i started to go with the flow of the show through that. but the fucking concept of time in the show in general esp with repetitive outfits (i understand that they are more likely to wear multiple outfits as well, it’s just that you have to split it up or it i sconfusing visually and looks like the same scene twice or just a full day of shooting which it could be but then something should change in the clothes. this is just an ex~~*~*) and partof that is they have this already controlled narrative i guess. 

i have to admit as well...i skipped episode 1. and most of 2. i was like i rly dont want to see someone slap a pereson even if they were like. not together. it’s just not cute also not in front of ppl. and then when they were yelling and bla bla i was like listen ladies lets calm down. too much angst in a boring way. what they have now is good. also they should probably like estrange the father but i doubt they will. 

i cannot make up my mind totally now bc i see what ur saying i guess i just don’t feel that way as much but i guess i have to think about it more, too. i do think he was contorlling in getting him or like when he didnt want shu yi to find out whwatshisface liked him. i guess for me it would be if he is still that way in the rship. but even tho he’s at fault for what happened, i’m also like but his dad? but also like...did he try? why did he just stop contacting? but then i guess he emailed everyday? DO U C MY QUANDARY.

alsoi have to say i do not care abt their backdoor being opened lmao like wow business? no thanks

LMAO. did they cry a lot in UWMA? i only know the teamwin parts. which one is fluke the really pale one who died? idk what it is about that kid but i just cant watch him. it’s not his fault it’s mine.

DUDE i still dont understand the husband and wife thing and ive looked into it multiple times. ive kinda just classified it as one of those things that make me uncomfortable but arent problematic lol. it you have any insight about it id love to hear it tho !!

it’s stupid. that’s what it is (husband and wife.) it’s just something they say like many gay couples may use pejoratives in conjunction with them, the f word etc. or even imply something about being a top and a bottom. whatever. but these arent gay spaces or gay storylines. sure gay men may direct them but since BL operates and relies on patriarchy without a doubt and also stereotypes poorly kathoeys or won’t cast trans women in anything substantial and use them as jokes (and see this is one of those things where it’s like...ud never see this in the US tho like our concept of third gender or kathoeys but life stillBOOOOO.) so it’s just useless when they put it into the scripts because it’s for people to consume and lots of girls are. obviously. so the idea that if you are being penetrated and u r the wife and this is used like literally anywhere but not from gay or whatever men is gross. are cis women’s vaginas sieves to them? are trans women not women? do we have to categorize people by PHALLIC OBJECTS IN OUR BODIES SPECIFICALLY A WOMAN? it dont make no sense. plus really most ppl just experiment, there’s more ways than one to have sex, we have lives so most times it’s not just full penetration for hours anyway. it’s just so gross. like oh that’s really funny lol ur the wife cos his dick goes in ur butt XD i get it, same. i say “i’m wife’ whenever there’s a penis in me. fucking kill me. it’s not a big deal but it’s just dumb and gross. if they use it they could try and subvert it too like i like how my engineer has  a whole absurdly stupid episode about it. but in TT the dad says “if ur the wife i wont accept it” and i was like u know what gals? im good. goodbye.

pgojaihousgajigko THAT’S SOOOOOOO OOWIEOFUGHOIJ WEIRD. FANDOM IS REALLY WEIRD. i have read rpf and written it once upon a time but dont do it anymore  uch. i mean it’s weird. no doubt about that. invasive, weird, strange. but very unreal anyway. it is. plus i dont like celebs or fame and think of it as a gross capitalist scheme so i had to stop (also so weird?) but i know very many people like lean in. lean in. LEAN IN. this youtuber i watch did a video on like insanely popular ships (like that 1d one) and their insane fandoms and i just couldnt. it’s so embarrassing? and then they’re so bold????? about it? 

yea it would be cool (more queer men or visibly we should say or like out whatever.) but it doesnt necessarily mean that will be good or beneficial i guess? i mean like. i dont know. so much about the genre is about wish fulfilment for young girls. its literally selling some fantasies because the other thing is for BL (i read a paper on this...) esp for girls in more conservative societies they cna maybe replace themselves in the character? but they may not feel a threat as a woman or like their life will fall apart if they engage in sexual things with anyone really. and that’s where i’m like....for a lot of these are they just writing a story and just replacing two men? bc they also seem to think it owrks like that. and in a way that’s what it is bc of the writing and how they use certain terms. you can tell the piece is about pushing a product and less about the real affects of a story. i think ITSAY is a great example of a really intelligent great piece of work that contains multitudes. and the girl was amazing. it just depends on the goal. and for most of the ppl the goal isnt...to do anything. so i dont know. idk how to talk abt representation anymore. it both is and isnt.

 i really liked tingting from my engineer a lot (idk if u have seen) she’s so fun and unapologetic. i love how much she drinks and if someone tells her to be ladylike she says no. and i appreciate that in the show when girls were rude to her she said nothing about the girls but said “NO IM NOT LUCKY TO HAVE ALL MALE FRIENDS?” i really want to see her more in the next season. obviously tiffy is goat. super excited to see how their rship develops.

[sanhatation]

ri’s thicc 2017 reflection post !

its still quite a few hours away from 2018 for me but i just wanted to take this time to reflect on my absolutely Lovely 2017!!! yay time 2 get sappy as i word vomit and overshare about my year on tumblr.com !!!!

thank you loads to all of my LOVELY followers !!!!!!!!! yall are the cutest, make my day on the daily ! i wish you the best 2018 that the world can offer !!! stay healthy, take time for yourself, love yourself, love others, and be kind! 💓💓

this Riley Rant here, is gonna be here for me than anything. like a Fat journal entry !! and i am an Oversharer so here she goes [jeopardy music]

to begin, i have met and befriended so many amazing people on here this year and WOW!!!!!! lovely and supportive and talented, beautiful aroha friends??? it doesnt get better than that!!!!! i would attempt to tag all of u but yall know who u are ;)) im endlessly grateful to those of you who have really made being on here worth it. heck ya sometimes im like “why do i even spend time on here” but then!!!! idk sunny comes swingin in with just a heart full of love or sara comes swingin in with her eggs or marian comes swingin in with her rare pairs or j comes swingin in with her baking posts and thats not even HALF of it !!!!! seriously.....love you guys tons.

to my friends who i have had the pleasure of remaining your friend this year and getting closer to u !! i love you. i really dont know how yall handle me especially 2015/2016 me?? a MESS! yall are the REALEST. again, yall know who u are ;)) i hope we can continue to talk and have fun in 2018, i wish yall the best. 

and lastly....heres a THICC shoutout to my six shining stars. 

as for me as an individual, 2017 was a freaking Whack year. it was incredible....dare i say, iconic. and now its time for.....RILEY’S 2017 HIGHLIGHTS !!!!!! (also includes: the sucky parts bc even those allowed me to grow !)

- man, did 2017 start out pretty rough when my country decided it was a good idea to elect a freakin cheeto for president. however! i had the lovely opportunity to attend the women’s march at my capital the day before inauguration !! and it was powerful!!!! truly an experience ill treasure forever!

- binch....thank u Winter Dream for my whole life. tbh i wont forget sobbing at my best friend’s house when it dropped. thank u Miss Again Dance Practice. thank u Miss You & Me MV. thank u Miss Cotton Candy Choreography. thank u. 

- ah.....when some pinhead started that tr*mp chanting at a basketball game lol! so iconic that we made the new york times! gotta love that....

- OMG !!! HOW TO SUCCEED !!!! an absolutely amazing experience. granted, the male lead was a Snake, but i had a blast. Rosemary will forever be close to my heart and ill always cry a little when i hear Brotherhood of Man or Paris Original !! such an awesome opportunity. i learned a frick ton about myself as a performer. i improved a ton in acting and dancing, and also came to learn that i am very good at receiving instructions and memorizing lines quickly. i learned that i need to work on some of my facial expressions and i also learned some of my habits ! i miss u Queenie H2$ :’’)

- had my first tap dance performance ever??? i really enjoyed learning tap, and i hope to pick it back up in the future !!!!

- BIIIIIINCCH i had the opportunity to visit my sister in korea!!!!!!! wow.....truly the BEST week of my entire year, maybe even LIFE! i went to the dog cafe, the sheep cafe, mcountdown, the lunar festival kick off, gwanghwamun palace, dongdaemun, shopped a ton around hongdae, ate food by the han river, visited namsan tower (but not without getting lost), hit the noraebang TWICE, walked into a private Fantagio board meeting, ate delicious chicken on a STIIICK, ran in the rain, ordered delivery mcdonalds, had the BEST fried chicken, met a bunch of monks, was led around dongdaemun by a very old korean man, SAW EUNWOO AND DOYEON AND RECEIVED MUCH LOVE AND NEARLY DIED, hit the convenience store literally every day, snuck out, GOT A WAVE FROM KEY :((( , bought Winter Dream and lots of skin care products and lots of cute clothes, had the clearest skin ive ever had in my life, went to a buddhist temple, witnessed a drunk man fall into the splits inbetween the ground and the subway, ran up and down 1000 subway stairs, fell in love with a man named Peanut, drank too much banana and strawberry milk, sobbed my face off at the festival as korean grandmas bowed to me, tried tons of new foods (including the nastiest bowl of cheese ramyun ive ever had in my life), bought lots of socks, rode an airplane for......like 40 hours in total? literally the best week of my Life

- had my junior vocal recital ! it was a cute girl. i felt my acting had really improved since sophomore voice recital !! 

- had prom on my 17th birthday and had a jolly good time !!! my mom made my dress and i felt like a Stunner

- dream pt. 01...she rly is that Bad Bih. best era. miss her loads. none of us ever deserved her. 

- les mis !!!!!! two whole weeks.....another Best Time. i learned so much, made so many lifetime friends, had a blast, sang my heart out.....such a freaking good time. i miss her

- got to spend the ENTIRE summer with momo!!!!!!!!!!! literally the ENTIRE!!!!! and what did we do? hit the park, watched lemonade mouth and fantastic beasts and starstruck and that random unicorn movie, made the Best slime, made that ICONIC weki meki video, laughed a ton, cried a ton, stayed up all night for the sunrise, stayed later for the sunset & thunderstorm, walked home in the pouring rain & lightning (IT IS VERY WET), went to the beach, met many dogs, got me hairs cut, befriended that Cat, and went to a painting class

- cabin week !!!!!!!!!!! whatta lovely time

- my brother’s wedding !!!! honestly? my best outfit of the year... had a bangin time. his wife is truly a cutie and i love her tons!

- there was that Mess in august and i still feel sorry to those who felt hurt because of it. i learned a lot about how things especially on the internet can be easily misunderstood and misinterpreted, so u gotta be EXTRA careful with your words ! 

- through that i also came to accept that u cant get everyone to understand or like u, and tbh that is okay for now. all we can do when we make mistakes is try to understand & learn, apologize, and try to better ourselves. and sometimes even when u do that, u still may not be liked. and thats okay. as long as you are trying your best and recognize mistakes, its all good. 

-skinny dipped at girls time wow what a freaking TIME

- woah dude i dropped out of my arts school lmao!!! the BIGGEST change in my life since 2014.;..wow! i dont even have the words to say how much stress was lifted off of me and i love senior yr !!!!

- momo came to CT!!!!!! 

- seeing svt live !!!!! but tbh the best part was seeing momo, “I LOVE A MAN WHO CAN SEW”, “I!!!!!!!!!! LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JIHOON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”, “IM UNDERAGE”, and when Mo BLASTED to that other line

- LAKE COMPOUNCE LMAOOOOO I LOVE JIHOON PT2!!!!

- my mom, sister, and i took an eight week painting class! i finished two paintings and learned a ton!! honestly a good time

- dream pt. 02.....shes that other Bad Bih....absolutely adore her

- i also learned that its okay to cut people off who are toxic. especially if you have already informed them that they make u feel bad, they are not worth trying to please or keep around. take care of yourself. similarly, its okay to block people, and you dont owe them an explanation

- MADI CAME HOME !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! my other half...missed her so much :(((

- riley’s calligraphy christmas !!!!! was so much fun and i loved people’s reactions and i loved learning arohas favorite astro lyrics !!!

- ah...............one of the hardest weeks of my whole life. the pain still lingers, and i know itll hit me again like a boulder the next time we see only four of my angels standing on stage. for four months, i was worried sick about another member, and i even knew he was hurting, that his mental illness was real. my heart aches and there is a piece of it missing, but it will never be replaced. i know you are much happier now, jjong. i love you. 

- and also because of that, i have been able to think a lot about how i live my life. thoughts like ‘am i watching out for my family and friends enough?’ ‘am i listening enough?’ ‘is this funny comment worth it?’ ‘am i happy?’ im trying to be better. to not take things for granted, to only be kind, to always be there for those i love, for those who love me. and i will try my hardest to not complain about small or petty inconveniences. to try harder to be optimistic. 

- christmas was with my whole family for the first time in five years ;;; she was such a cute girl!

and now on to the next act !!!! its called RILEY’S NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS !!!!!!!!!! 

1. lets start with the basic stuff that im 99% not gonna pull through on: keep ur room clean. keep everywhere u go clean, it makes mom upset. eat better, u know there is other foods in this house besides peanut butter and pepperoni and popcorn. 

2. send out at least one Lovely Ask per day. i made this goal sometime over the summer, and i did it for a few months until i started to forget ;; its not that hard, u just gotta remember to do it !! 

3. sis.....quit Procrastinating.......GET ur FREAKING application done...do ur homework the night before lmao! call who u need to !!! write those thank u cards!!!! go get them scholarships!!!! enter that graphic design contest lmao!!! just DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!! time is wasting

4. just be happy 

[someobscurereference]

hey so i love your fe stuff! its soo good! but ive noticed that most of it is either gen or takes place after the relationships have gotten together (which is fine, i love that) but it did make me curious if youd be willing to share some of your headcanons (for odin/niles/leo, camilla/beruka/selena, and xander/laslow) for how they got together/developed feelings for one another? im very curious about your take on it bc i love your characterization! thank u so much for writing such beautiful fics

Aww, thank you, anon!! FE13/14 isn’t as popular as it probably once was and I definitely joined the writing fic for it part of the fandom pretty late, so I’m so pleased to hear that you enjoy my fics! Thank you!!

Secondly, anon….This is gonna be mega long and I hope you’re prepared for that, lmao (Also if you had any other questions or anything, don’t be afraid to send another ask!)

I don’t know if I have any “set in stone” headcanons for how any of these three pairs get together because I’m a multishipper who loves AUs, but if we’re talking about canon FE14 universe, I definitely have some thoughts as to how that’s going to go.

I’m gonna blabble a lot now

Odin/Niles/Leo

I actually feel like Odin would have the easiest time accepting dating people anyone, even if they’re a prince or a coworker or two people at once or he feels he has to travel to another dimension in a few years.

Like, he’s very? Pragmatic? Not necessarily 24/7 (because he loves to tell tales and exaggerate and roleplay) but Big Decisions. Like in Hidden Truths DLC, when Laslow and Selena are questioning where they should go when it’s time to leave Nohr–their home dimension with their family’s graves or to return to the world where their parents are still alive–iirc, Odin is the first one to say “We can worry about this later, we just have to deal with this now.” It’s not that he doesn’t care as much, because he super does, but I think he like? Compartmentalizes a little more? In the FE13 Future Past DLC, when he and Inigo are stuck on one side of the bridge and Brady and Yarne are on the other, Owain talks through what’s going to happen if they try to cross the bridge until he gets to the conclusion, “If you go and I stay behind, the most people in this scenario live and we still succeed, even if that means my death.” When Inigo cuts the brige with both of them on one side, Owain says, “We don’t both have to die!” Now part of this is Owain/Odin’s dramatic personality and the (probably unhealthy) self-sacrificing tendencies he almost certainly had during his years before jumping through time and even some time after, even Inigo acknowledges that Owain’s plan was probably the best way to get the gemstone to Ylisse (though not the best plan for Owain’s life.) He’s also the one who adjusts most to living in Nohr, by which I mean his homesickness and memories of Ylisse seem to weigh on him the least. While he admits to Selena in their Supports that he also is unable to sleep at night from his memories, Selena and Laslow’s Supports with him are more about their problems with missing home and he has become a kind of shoulder to lean on between the three of them.

Anyway all of this is basically evidence to say that Odin is pretty reasonable and levelheaded when not indulging in his imagination (which was almost definitely a coping mechanism of some kind in his younger years, though it may have become a bit more of an innocent hobby by the time he’s in Nohr… though I don’t want this to get dark, OTL)

ANYWAY! I think Odin is has the easiest time adjusting between all three of the Time Travel Trio, but I don’t know if he’s necessarily the one to make the first move in anything? If anything, it would have to be all three make a move at the same time (through some circumstance) or Niles/Leo get together first (even though Niles thinks his purpose in life is to “serve” Leo until he dies via their Supports and Leo probably wouldn’t want to put anyone in a weird position considering his status). I’ve written past stuff where Odin gets confident and does something bold like sit in Laslow’s lap and kiss him while Laslow bemoans never having a first kiss, and while I think Odin could catch onto moves being made on him and be down for it, I don’t think he’d be as likely to do something as bold as that for Niles/Leo like he would for someone he’s known years and years, like Laslow or Selena.

The thing about Niles is that… Idk, I don’t think he views himself as garbage? (Unless there’s a support I don’t remember.) But he definitely thinks of himself as “lower” than Leo, who he views as having saved his life and literally is the start to “good” memories in Nile’s mind. I’m not sure he’d ever make a move on Leo and compromise that relationship he values so highly unless it was something he felt Leo needed or something out of his control. (Like doing something to save Leo’s life and Leo is like “Hey do you have Feelings for me” and Niles, broken out in a cold sweat, hands shaking, answers “I mean Yes, but it doesn’t have to be weird…. unless u want that.” 

For Leo, I don’t think he really thinks about love unless it’s right there in his face. Either because he’s thinking about marriage for political reasons/someone else is getting married or because Niles/Odin is hanging around a lot and he’s like “What is this Feeling, it’s highly inconvenient but I cannot deny it exists”. (Also another thing about him is that he’s probably a little uncomfortable with Nile’s… Pedestal, I guess? For him. Like, he knows Niles values him a lot and vice versa but when Niles is like “You’re the reason my life is good and I will serve you until I Die For You,” Leo is like “I don’t know what to say but I guess ‘Thank you’ is the right response.” So he probably wouldn’t want to take advantage of Nile’s feelings either.)

(The thing about all the Royal Nohrian Sibs is that they are under the watchful eye of Garon for most of their life, and that’s a huge influence on what they are or aren’t willing to do in terms of romance until the Big Slime is no longer an issue for them. So that’s a major factor as well.)

I think Niles and Odin make a great team, but Niles is initially very suspicious when Odin/Selena/Laslow show up out of the blue and even when he trusts Odin later on, he does use that suspicion as a little jab on Odin’s origins in their C-Support when they’re having an annoyed argument. They both apologize to each other later with Odin conceding that Niles was right and his actions weren’t out of line, and while Nile’s is like, “Aw, I shouldn’t have done that, Lord Leo trusts you and that’s enough for me,” the secretiveness of Odin’s past is like. An undercurrent in their relationship on both their parts for a long time. (While meanwhile Leo does not give a single fuck what you did or who you were before you met him so long as he knows what kind of person you are now.)

So with all this I can absolutely see Niles and Leo getting together and Odin being supportive from the sidelines for a Long Time as Niles/Leo either pine a little secretly (maybe separately) or they don’t really realize their own feelings for Odin or the idea all three of them could be a thing until later. (Bc Odin is not gonna intrude on something he feels he shouldn’t and when it’s a better idea not to.) (However, if that opportunity appears and everything is Chill, Odin is absolutely Hell Yeah, down for it.)

(This didn’t really come up anywhere before but? Leo and Odin’s supports?? Are so Much????? Like, Leo doesn’t want to send Odin out on any more “adventures” he used to because according to Leo: “uh that was to be a dick to you and I literally Cannot imagine living without you now because you’re so Valuable to me, so you can’t go on any Mega Dangerous missions, sorry.” He says he wont’ keep Odin from being his own person and leaving Nohr but that he honestly wishes Odin would stay and if he does leave, all the victories afterwards will be a little “bittersweet” without Odin there. Also if Odin does leave, Leo asks that he use his title as Leo’s retainer still so there will always be that “connection” between them. 

Like??? Holy shit??

It was here that Leo struck me as the type of person to want Niles and Odin by his side literally Forever in whatever form that relationship may be, even if nothing romantic ever comes from it.)

Camilla/Beruka/Selena

My girl!! Selena!!! I love her!!!! I’ve probably written the least about Selena (I have like one unfinished Selena/Laslow/Odin fic on my computer and that’s probably it besides maybe a tiny Selena/Noire thing I wrote 2 sentences of and never finished either) but!! I think about her a lot and I love my girl!!

I rambled a lot with Odin/Niles/Leo so to cut to the chase here a bit more, Camilla/Beruka/Selena probably comes from Selena’s need to be validated and prove that she’s the Best. Camilla always reassures Selena that she’s “darling, powerful, and obedient,” which are qualities Camilla values a lot in a retainer. I think Camilla, for all her ruthlessness, also has a lot of love in her heart and so she is a little smitten with Selena (and Beruka) from the start because of these qualities they share. Camilla gets melancholy when she thinks about how Selena might leave her one day and wants Selena to know she is Camilla’s. I don’t think Camilla would ever do or say anything about her feelings while under the watchful eye of Garon because she’s not stupid and she knows what will happen if she tries to get too close to anyone while he’s within reach, but she’s not lying. When she says she loves Selena and Beruka, she really does mean it, even if her meaning gets lost in the context of all the other times she says she loves Corrin and Elise and her other siblings and such. 

(As a side note, Camilla and Selena’s C-Support is so fucking funny to me because Selena is like “hey I’m your favorite, right?” and Camilla is straight up like “I would rather murder you than you leave” and Selena’s like “that’s not….what I wanted you to say…”. Camilla is so fucking Extra??? I love it. Though she’s honestly very scary too, so that element of humor is one I’m taking with grain of salt because Camilla is also truthful in her violence. Their B-Support is similar.)

This same drive to be the Best is what causes Selena and Beruka to butt heads in their C-Support, but they show they understand each other well by calling out each other’s complexities and flaws while arguing. Later, they show they care about each other by apologizing in the B-Support, and it’s shown for all her emotionless attitude, Selena can get Beruka to smile the tiniest bit while supporting her and telling Beruka that she should do the things she loves, even if that thing is work, and that Selena is her friend. (Beruka’s questioning of “Should I really bury myself in my work?” also shows that she took Selena’s earlier words of “What even makes you You if all you do is your work/only do things for money?”. So Selena’s views do impact Beruka.)

I’m rereading their A support right now and?? It’s so sweet? Selena wants to get matching jewelry for all three of them as a symbol of their connection (and for when Selena leaves) and Beruka accepts this, despite Selena requesting she not get something that doubles as a weapon, and also says she wouldn’t wear the matching jewelry if Selena were gone because it would be “lonely” and she’d only wear it if Selena were there so she wouldn’t lose it. Like? They value each other a lot. Beruka indulges Selena in this and by extension says she’s “enjoying” herself as well–something Beruka rarely does at all. 

Beruka is a little more hesitant around Camilla, but that’s likely a response to Camilla being her employer and Beruka placing so much value in her work. It’s a complicated situation for someone who isn’t as casual as Selena or Odin are with their Lord/Lady. Beruka admits she would betray Camilla if offered something better from another employer, but that possibility is so unlikely because she doesn’t think she could find anyone she trusts as much as Camilla. For an assassin, trust is a big deal. Camilla is a huge part of Beruka’s heart even if Beruka doesn’t recognize it the same way someone else might. Camilla, on her part, is pleased but orders Beruka not to throw herself away in the process because Beruka means a lot to her. Their relationship is a bit different than Camilla and Selena’s or Selena and Beruka’s because of their unique dynamic and how seriously Beruka takes herself. Camilla is somewhat less affectionate when alone with Beruka, most likely because it makes Beruka uncomfortable. The affection is still there; Beruka just doesn’t yearn for it as much and so Camilla backs off a bit. Beruka is very truthful about the realities of life–both Beruka’s job and how she’ll probably stick with Camilla forever, even if she doesn’t explicitly say so. They’re good. 

I’m getting off track again, sorry. I love character analysis. ANYWAY!

Camilla/Selena/Beruka would probably get together all at the same time because Camilla wouldn’t want anyone to misunderstand or feel left out (even if Beruka would insist she didn’t feel anything about it, she probably would.) Selena would probably push about being the Best Retainer again and Camilla would say something like, “Oh, but I love you both equally” and pull Beruka and Selena close. Selena would probably grumble something like “but do you really?” or “but who do you love more?” or something, letting a little jealousy take hold. Camilla probably wouldn’t stand for this, both on the basis that she loves them equally and that this has been probably going on for years. 

To be honest, I could see them kind of… falling into it. Like Camilla kissing Selena’s forehead or cheek, leaving a big lipstick mark behind and while Selena sputters, face red and brain reeling, Camilla does the same thing to Beruka.

“Wha–What’s that supposed to mean?” Selena asks, eyes rolling in her head and steam coming from her ears.

“I told you,” Camilla says simply. “You are both my precious, darling retainers.”

Beruka, eyes closed in thought: “Hm.” 

And before anybody can do anything else, Camilla’s like, “okay, chop-chop, we have things to do, people to kill” and they just go about doing their daily jobs and fighting battles. And anytime Selena or even Beruka tries to question it, Camilla’s like, “I told you, I love you both” and kisses their cheek again. Eventually maybe Beruka and Selena talk a little among themselves, but honestly I really see them falling into it after that. Kissing their foreheads every time they separate (never the mouth in the beginning, unless Selena or Beruka initiate because this isn’t supposed to be a pressured thing). Selena and Beruka heading off to their own rooms at night and Camilla telling them they can stay with her if they want. Selena’s a bit rowdy, but I think she’d be content with starting off like this just because it’s Camilla. (She might confront someone if anyone else tried to pull this move.)

(I take most C-A Supports for all party members as having really happened in-game eventually, so this might even be after Beruka’s support with Odin where he tries to help her understand her own emotions through mimicking facial expressions and looking within herself and stuff via lying about magic spells. So Beruka might discover a bit more about herself here too, like “Hmm, is this what love feels like? It must be.” Even though she’d probably been feeling it for a while and not recognizing it.)

Xander/Laslow

The thing about Xander/Laslow is that while Camilla and Leo have varying levels of more freedom between the two of them, Xander is The Crown Prince. He’s the one to take the throne. He has do what’s best for the people, and he’s always going to put Nohr before himself. On the flipside, Laslow is a flirt but he knows how fickle life can be and often laments the fleeting connections between people as they only have a short time in this world (he gets super melancholy in some of his supports; he hides his sadness a lot but it’s there), and I don’t think he’d want to jeopardize his relationship with Xander or put him in a bad position either. Plus, he’s super-duper homesick, so he wouldn’t want to start anything he felt he couldn’t finish either. 

I really think there’d have to be a big catalyst for their relationship to begin. One of two things probably has to happen.

1. Something really relieves Xander of his pressures as King and makes him relaxed enough to maybe request a kiss or courtship from Laslow one day, if/when Laslow ever feels he wants it, no pressure (though I don’t know what this event would be; Xander feels LOT of responsibility. Duty chains him more than anything. Even if he feels mentally exhausted by everything and restraining his feelings on top of that, he’s always going to be stuck unless something forces him to move or slackens that grip.) (Laslow, in turn, is also chained by what he feels is his obligation and memories to return to Ylisse some day, so he’s stuck a bit too.)

2. Like in Home (Is Where The Heart Is) (spoilers), Xander realizes if he doesn’t do something, he will lose Laslow forever In This Moment, Right Now and (as this is a huge fear) Goes For It via Kiss of Life or pouring his feelings out. (I really think Xander is the type of person to make huge declarations of devotion and love while Laslow melts into a huge blushing puddle in the corner while crying from being overwhelmed.) 

They would mutually pine. A Lot.

I’ve written a lot less for them but I’ve written so much already and I think at least one of these two events are really the needed qualifications for a Xander/Laslow relationship to happen in canon universe. (There are other AUs on ao3 that are super good and probably do a better job of imagination than I will here, so :p)

All three relationships probably have an undercurrent of Devotion For My Lord/Lady because they are all retainers/royals first and foremost and jobs come first, but that’s an interesting dynamic to work around in itself. 

Even if were only friendship between them all, I really like how Odin/Selena/Laslow are so willing to say, “MY Lord/Lady is the best one!” (I’m mostly thinking of the Beach DLC where everyone fought for that beach trip, whether or not their Lord/Lady wanted it.) They love the Royal Nohrians so much, no matter the context. 

(RIP Me, this is super long and I just spent the last 2 hours writing it. If there was anything you wanted me to expand on, let me know! I’m a blabber mouth.)

[nightandstarlight]

Demeter, Apollo, Ares, Centaur, Siren, Nymph, Agamemnon, Jason, Sun Chariot, Caduceus, Aegis, Golden Fleece, Olympus, Tartarus, Elysium, Ogygia, The Labyrinth? :3c

Asdfghjkdhslñ so many omfg why iLY ((I have to say tho i didnt really think about having to answer more than one of these at a time before i rbed the qs and since im on mobile and theres no way im gonna remember all of them im probsbly gonna do one first and then like edit this post to add the rest or something so it might take a while))

‡Demeter: do you have any pets?

>Unfortunately i dont my dad never wanted us to have any :// last time i had an actual pet living in my house i think it was when i was like 10 y/o or so and they were a couple of turtles who used to escape all the goddamn time like we would literally find them on the street trying to get away from our house even tho we had a enormous backyard and we treated them as well as we possibly could?? idk they prolly hated us so my parents mightve given them away i dont even remember,,, and thenn like two years ago i think i got a pet sheep called peter.. Peter the sheep was only around for a week tho and he wasnt even officially my pet but i loved him as if he were i still miss him and think about him often.. basically that summer when we went to visit my dads brother in misiones we took him with us from my dads farm ? (not really my dads farm but i dont wanna get too sidetracked here lmao) to my uncles farm for breeding or whatever so it was a solid 6-7 drive with him in the bed of our truck and me just starting at him and trying to get attention goD i never thought id care about a sheep that much anyway once we got to misiones we couldnt take him straight away to my uncles farm for whatever logistics reason i never asked about because all it meant was that he would have to stay in my uncles backyard for a couple of days and i would get to spend more time with him !! so thats what happened !! I took tons of pics and recorded him doing nothing and loved him from afar and then i was there when we dropped him off at my uncles farm.. and then i never saw him again.. the saddest part is that weeks later when we were all back home my uncled called my dad to let him know that Peter wasnt even fit for breeding bc rumour has it he had a third testicule lmao so he was technically useless rip peter the sheep ,,, aaaand now that i live alone i really wanna get like a cat or something but i never learned how to take care of anything so im scared i wont know how to if i have to do it all by myself

if i could add tags to this on mobile id apologize for talking so much about peter instead of just answering the question but i cant soz

‡Apollo: What kind of music are you into?

>alt/pop/rock/indie/pop punk,, i dont really like defining it by genres because who knows for sure what do they even mean anymore but the second best way i have to describe my music taste is ~basic white girl who thinks shes special~ and that makes me feel even weirder,, if you want i could try to make a playlist once im back in my apartment like next week or so lmk

‡Ares: whats a big pet peeve of yours?

>probably when people dont listen,, (u mean deaf people?? thats pretty fucked up dude) no lmao i mean people who pretend to listen but dont care about what you have to say or even worse when theyre so self absorbed that they dont even try to act like theyre paying attention and just straight up talk on top of you or interrup you constantly and not even bc they have something important to say but just because they can like whyy ohh or even worse when they do all that and then have the nerve get angry/offended if you dont pay enough attention to them??? Boyyy oh boy i hate that but i *cough love my parents i love themm

‡Centaur: Last book you read?

>all the bright places by jennifer niven,, didnt actually read it but i listened to the audiobook a week ago so i think that counts,, and if audiobooks dont count i read Evenfall by Santino Hassel back in march

‡Siren: Last song you listened to?

>((when i answered this (at 3:30am) i wasnt listening to anything but)) spotify says it was devil in me by halsey,, rn (13:40) im listening to alone by halsey

‡Nymph: Last dream you remember?

>i cant remember any recent ones atm but a couple of weeks ago i dreamt i was dating veronica from riverdale?? I probably posted something on here about that and it was so sweeett other than that idk maybe something about my classmates i see some of them pretty often in my dreams and theyre usually really nice cause i almost never remember any bad dreams/nightmares

‡Agamemnon: whats an achievement that youre proud of?

>i cant think of anything rn maybe getting into uni or coming out to my mom

‡Jason: have you ever travelled abroad?

>nope,, the closest i was to leaving the country was in 2014 when i was gonna go with my english teacher and class to nyc i got my papers and everything ready but then everyone started to come up with reasons why they couldnt go so i was gonna have to go completly alone/with friends of my teacher and their students which i didnt know at all so i got scared and decided not to 3 i know (hope) i’ll get another chance to go tho

‡Sun Chariot: whats your favorite mythological creature

>umm maybe sirens or gorgons im not 100%sure

‡Caduceus: whats your favorite color

>too many for different purposes but mostly purple?

‡Aegis: whats your favorite book or series?

>all for the game by nora sakavic atm

‡Golden Fleece: whats your favorite animal?

>ive loved dolphins since i was a kid but felines are too perfect in too many ways they make me weak at the knees

‡Olympus: describe your dream job

>so i know id looove to have an office job really stable and monotonous and everything like translating books but i also know that im terrified of getting stuck? And i feel like a job like that doesnt really leave much room to grow professionally so even if at the time im happy with just doing that the idea of looking back one day and realizing i sat at a desk and did the same thing for 20 years is not the best (which is ironic bc im wasting my youth ™ doing exsclty that for free basically but yea idk ) Dream job as in actually ~dream~ job would have to be like whatever people did on that show extreme makeover home edition?? I used to be obsessed with that show when i was a kid and i still think its a great idea even if its not as extra and over the top like that was id love to help people that way i could also make this longer but its lowkey too personal

‡Tartarus: Whats a short term goal you hope to achieve?

>going back to therapy and not quitting this time? making friends? Id say improving myself as a person but i feel like thats more of a long term goal but not hating myself rn would be nice,, also something tangible would have to be passing my calc II final that i shouldve taken a year ago and didnt cause i got scared + too depressed to study properly lmaao

‡Elysium: if you could have a superpower, what would it be?

>telekinesis and or being able to teletransport sounds cool

‡Ogygia: describe your dream husband/wife/life partner?

>patient, better at comunication than i am, respectful but that should be obvious, loves puns and bad/dad jokes, loves me? Also loves kids and is okay with adopting cause i definitely wanna adopt childrepn someday

‡The Labyrinth: have you ever died and came back as a vampire?

>not sure if im allowed to talk about this but i bet no one is gonna read all this cause its wayy too long lmao also i dont care anyway so yes, yes i have

half a day later im done!!! i know its a lot I hope its not too boring tho lmao

[skiasurveys]

old myspace surveyyy

1. Last beverage: Iced tea

2. Last phone call: My mom i believe

3. Last song you listened to: Closer- the chainsmokers ft halsey

4. Last time you cried: today 

5. Have you dated someone twice: kind of.  my current boyfriend and i dated before but it was only like  2 weeks and then we didnt date again til 5 months later, and now were still together which has been 15 months. i dont really consider he first time an actual relationship lmao

6. Have you ever been cheated on: Not that I am aware of.

7. Kissed someone & regretted it: eh, my first kiss was awful

8. Have you lost someone special: yeah my dad died.

9. What are your three favorite colors: lilac, cyan, pink

10. Met someone who changed you in the past month: not in the past month

11. Kissed anyone on your friends list: yeah

12. How many kids do you want: none.

13. Do you want any pets: i have two cats

14. Do you want to change your name: yeah i do

15. What did you do for your last birthday: Had dinner with my boyfriends parents, then had a small party with a few friends and my boyfriend, but that was it. Wasnt so lit.

16. What time did you wake up today:  i woke up at 10 am i think

17. Name something you CANNOT wait for: to finally move out

18. Last time you saw your mother: um. like 10 minutes ago lol

19. Most visited webpage: youtube

20. Nicknames: Jen, Babygirl, i dont really have nicknames that much

21. Relationship status: Taken

22. Zodiac sign: Sagittarius 

23. Male or female: female

24. Height: 5′1 

25. Do you have a crush on someone: my boyfriend 

26. Piercings: I got my ears pierced when i was 18 but i took it out apparently too soon and they shut.  I am going to get them redone but im just lazy

27. Tattoos: none as of now

28. Strong or Weak:  physically or emotionally..haha..

FIRSTS

29. First surgery: wisdom teeth

30. First best friend:  Eric or Reis 

31. First sport you joined: softball when i was 7/8

32. First vacation: British columbia when  i was 4/5

33. First school: Joseph welsh 

34. First pair of trainers: If trainers you mean shoes but in a british lingo..uhh i dont know. DC shoes? those ugly fat skater shoes.

WHICH IS BETTER

35. Lips or eyes: eyes

36. Hugs or kisses: honestly both, but idk it depends. sometimes i love hugs because i like feeling him hold me and against me , but kisses are so sweet

37. Shorter or taller: taller

38. Older or younger: older

39. Romantic or spontaneous: both

40. Sensitive or loud: Sensitive.

41. Hook-up or relationship: Relationship.

42. Shy or outgoing: a bit of both. im really outgoing so in a relationship it doesnt matter for me. but i dont really like people who cant make conversations at all..

HAVE YOU EVER

43. Kissed a stranger: I dont think so.

44. Gotten a speeding ticket: No

45. Lost glasses/contacts: i dont wear glasses or contacts

46. Sex on first date: nope. but oral sex yeah.

47. Broken someone’s heart:  i have but whatever.

48. Been arrested: No

49. Have you turned someone down:  yeah but thats cause this dude wouldnt stop trying to date me and the funny part is he didnt even live in the same fucking city as me so idk why he kept trying so hard. I also had a dude back in highschool who i still chat with try to date me but ive turned him down couple of times but he knows now.

50. Fallen for a friend: not really.

51. Moved out of town: no

BELIEVE IN

52. Miracles: ehhh

53. Love at first sight: no. but i mean i know when i first met my boyfriend i was like oh hell yeah. but its not love.

54. Heaven: yeah

55. Santa Claus:  no and never have.

56. Kiss on the first date:  sure. ive done it. idk how you cant believe in a kiss?? lmao

57. Angels:  yeah

58. Yourself: no

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY

59. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time: no.

60. Been in love with someone you couldn’t be with?: yeah but not “in love”.

61. Ever cheated on somebody: No i am not a cunt.

62. If you could go back in time, how far would you go?: i would love to relive my first date with Connor, i dont know why. i wouldnt change anything but that day was really awesome.

63. Are you afraid of falling in love: No. 

64. Was your last relationship a mistake?  well i guess, since i am in a different one right? it wasnt a mistake per-say but he was a waste of time. 

65. Do you miss your last relationship? god no.

66. Who did you last say “i love you” to?

connor, the other day <3

67. Have you ever been depressed?  yeah i have depression.

68. Are you insecure? yeah but im getting better.

69. How do you want to die? in my bed, while asleep.

70. Do you bite your nails?  lol i am currently.

71. When was your last physical fight? Ive never really had one.

72. Do you have an attitude? yeah. i can have one.

73. Twirl or cut your spaghetti? twirl if i ever eat it. i hate spaghetti. Connor loves it though..

74. Do you tan a lot? eh no

75. Ever eaten food in a car while someone or you are driving? yeah usually while on a trip

76. Ever made out in a bathroom? yeah.

77. Would you take any of your exes back? Not at all! Barf.

78. Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? depends on the time.

79. What are your plans for this weekend? it is the weekend currently, nothing is planned.

80. Do you type fast? yeah

81. Can you spell well?  i think i do.

82: What are you craving right now? nothing actually.

83. Have you ever been on a horse? yeah a few times.

84. Would you live with someone without marrying them?  yeah my boyfriend lmao

85. What’s irritating you right now? my dry skin atm.

86. Have you ever liked someone so much that it hurts? yeah.

87. Does somebody love you? yeah my man does. lmao

88. Have you ever changed clothes in a car? a few times

89. Milk chocolate or white chocolate?  milk. white chocolate is nasty

90. Do you have trust issues?  i kind of do.

91. Longest relationship? my one i am in currently which so far is a one year and 3 months

92: Do you believe your most recent ex thinks about you? i am sure he thinks about me every so often, i mean i sometimes think about them for no reason and not the “i miss you” thinking just like something reminds me of them or whatver. Im sure they think of me sometime. i dont really care lol

93. Have you ever walked outside in your PJs? yah lol

94. Do you believe everything happens for a reason? no

95. Did you have dream last night?  yeah i dont remember it anymore

96. Have you ever been out of state? yeah

97. Do you play the Wii? eh not anymore. i dont like the wii or the wii u, i tried to like the nintendo products but i am more into Playstation ;)

98. Do you like Chinese food?  i do

99. Are you afraid of the dark?  sometimes

100. Is cheating ever okay? No.

101. What year has been your best? 2015 so far and 2016 wasnt really so bad.

102. Do you believe in true love? yeah i guess

103. Favorite weather? fall weather. where its warm but kind of cloudy, where you can wear whatever you want and you wont be too cold or too warm. 

104. Do you like the snow? NO

105. Do you like the outside? yeah i do.

106. Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? yeah i like when connor does

107. Have you ever made out for more than a half hour straight? yes

108. What makes you happy? cats

109. Ever been to Alaska? no

110. Ever been to Hawaii? no 

111. Do you watch the news? usually like to keep an eye on whats happening with the world. like now.

112. Do you love MTV? no

113. Do you like subway? yeah but its not my fav anymore. but i do crave it randomly

114 Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? no lol were dating.

115. Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? well my best friend of the opposite sex is my boyfriend..so...

116. Why did you decide to do this quiz? im bored

117. Have you ever seen someone you knew and purposely avoided them? yeah actually one time my mom and i were shopping and we saw this crazy lady that we know. and so we kept avoiding here while we were grocery shopping and we actually got away lol thank god. she is so annoying. When my dad died she told my mom she had to get rid of his pictures. like mcfuck off.

118. Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? yeah a few 

119. Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to? connor

120. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? Jennifer

121. Ever bought condoms? no. we dont use condoms 

122. Ever gotten pregnant? No. thank god

123. Have you ever slipped on ice? im sure

124 Have you ever missed the bus? yeah

125. Have you left the house without money? i have once. i was working too and on my break i was heading to get food and then i realized i forgot my wallet. -___-

126. Have you ever smoked cigarettes? no. just weed.

127. Have you ever smoked a cigar? no 

128. Did you ever drink alcohol? yeah of course.

129. Did you ever watch “The Breakfast Club”?  yes. one of my favs

130. Have you ever been overweight? last year i went on medication that made me gain 20 pounds, but i lost all that weight now thank god. I wasnt over weight but i was kind of chubby. Im back to my skinny-self thank god! 

131. Ever been to a wedding? yeah

132. Ever been in a wedding? yeah my cousin got married in 2013 and asked my sister and i to be apart of it. worst idea ever. We werent really apart of it. she had her friends in it and my sister and i were just kind of the side bridemaids..yah weird.

133. Have you ever been on the computer for 5 hours straight? yeah back when i didnt have an ipad or iphone.

134. Did you ever watch TV for 5 hours straight?  i sometimes binge netflix when im with my boyfriend

135. Ever kissed in the rain? no

136. Did you ever shower with someone else? yeah i have with my boyfriend. it was really intimate lol

137. Did you ever fail a driver’s test?  i have only ever failed the written exam where they ask you all that stupid shit and you have to remember speed and signs. but my actualy drivig test, i passed first try!

138. Ever been outside your home country? yeah to canada

139. Ever been on a road trip longer than 5 hours? yeah we used to drive to vancouver or south BC which would take 13 hours.

140. Ever been to a professional sports game? NO

141. Have you ever broken a bone? no surprisingly i havent. even though i got hit by a car..

142. Did you ever win a trophy in your life? no :(

143. Ever get engaged? no

144. Have you ever been on a diet? kind of.

145. Have you ever been on TV? kind of. not really.

146. Ever ridden in a taxi? yeah. with my boyfriend, its really awkward and weird...

147. Ever been to prom? we dont have prom here in canada but we do get dressed up in nice dresses and have dinner and a dance, but not prom. But yeah i did go.

148. Ever stayed up for 24 hours or more? yeah i think 2 days 

149 Have you ever been to a concert? yeah. my first was...Jonas brothers...BARFFF. thanks 12 year old me -.-

150. Have you ever had a crush on someone at work? i did have a little crush on the security guard. but not a big crush.

151. Have you ever been in a car accident?  i got hit by a car

152. Ever had braces? yeah from 12-14. (gr.6-8)

153. Did you ever learn another language? i tried french. but i cant speak it. i gave up. I wish i could learn something different.

154. Do you wear make-up? yeah. 

155. Did you ever have your wisdom teeth taken out? yeah when i was 18 i got put completely out and had surgery to get them out.

156. Did you ever kiss someone a different race than yourself? yeah. 

157. Ever dyed your hair? yeah ive dyed it reddish, darker brown, fire ombre (look it up it was awesome), blonde, ash blonde, blonde with purple tips and then now i just dyed it back to brown which is its natural colour. i like it blonde but im starting to like it back at its natural state.

158. Did you ever wear someone else’s clothes? yeah ive worn my sisters clothes

159. Ever ridden in an ambulance? no

160. Ever ridden in a helicopter? no

161. Ever caught the stove on fire? no

162. Ever meet someone famous? no

163. Ever been on an airplane? yeah i was only on a plane from here (canada) to california and back. but thats it. my first time it was really nerve-racking, but on the way back it was chill. i dont like being that high up lol

164. Ever been on a boat? yeah a few times. its kay

165. Ever broken something expensive? no

166. Did you ever kiss someone before you were 14? no. my first actual kiss wasnt til i was 18..lol

167. Did you ever find something valuable on the ground? yeah my fucking life.

[imreszekeres]

for the anon that wanted all 100

1. Name- Ash! 2. Age- 18 3. City that you live in- fear, usually 4. What do most people not know about you?- nothing really, i compulsively release useless information about myself 5. What do most people know you for?- being fat and annoying 6. Hobbies- makeup, youtubers, sleeping, writing, drawing 7. What are your passions?- writing 8. What do you search for in a significant other?- i really Really need to be understood, and someone who is patient is nice too 7. What are you most proud of?- I hav gone to State and gotten within the top 10% in my Journalism competitions, which puts me in the top .08% of all high school students in my state. :-) im good for some things 8. When was the last time you had a significant conversation with someone you love?- every day when I talk to @pizzasteveofficial <3 all our conversations are significant 2 me 9. Have you ever collected anything? What was it?- I collect my tears in a jar and store them, then shower in them every night 10. List 10 things off of your bucket list.- I want to get married in the snow, have a daughter, get a Heartagram tattoo (at least one lol), write a successful book, and.. idk what else :0 11. What was the last thing you learned?- jesus I dont know, you learn sth new every day! hard to remember 12. How many relationships have you been in?- um.. 7 I think i feel like im forgetting one tho. I wont name them obvi but i think im forgetting one? i feel like ive been in 8 oh well 13. Turn ons- validation 14. Turn offs- being alive 15. Favorite food- frozen yogurt! I like the vanilla or white chocolate flavor with looots of toppings 16. Favorite drink- Coke 17. What is the best birthday gift you have ever received?- i dont really know! I dont remember a lot of my birthdays for trauma reasons so  18. Are you optimistic or pessimistic?- pessimistic by far lol 19. Do you sleep during class?- its happened a handful of times, I try not to bc I HATE missing work its annoying 20. What is the most expensive thing you own?- myself?? jk its my laptop 21. What is the cheapest yet most useful thing you own?- a 1 dollar ELF blending brush. yall those things are bomb please go buy some! 22. How many times a day on average do you check your phone?- that number does not exist holy shit  23. Text or call?- TEXT BLEASE I HAVE SUCH BAD HEARING 24. Opinion on long distance?- it can work! ive done it a lot of times. distance has never been whats broken a relationship for me, not directly anyway 25. What is your definition of success?- success is when you’re happy. you do not have many worries, not the kind that keep you awake at night or make your tummy sick anyway. You have people that love you and, if you died, you’d be remembered as a good bean 26. Favorite song?- right now im really diggin “Hate (I Really Dont Like You)” by the plain white Ts 27. Favorite artist?- HIM!!!!!!!!!!!! <3 28. Celebrity crush/crushes?- Ville Valo ALWAYS lmao hes my god 29. When was the last time you read for fun?- like last month 30. Favorite flower?- roses 31. What is the best gift you could receive right now?- a plane ticket to Connecticut and like 1000 dollars 32. Any guilty pleasures?- pop... music... BUT LIKE THE GOOD KIND U FEEL? I DONT LIKE STUFF FROM THE LAST 2 OR 3 YEARs...  33. What is one thing you would like to change about yourself?- my weight, and that sounds so shallow but it. is taking a toll on me. 34. What do you search for in a friend?- someone who is like me! 35. How many times have you said "I love you" in the past month?- not enough 36. Where did you last go other than your room/home?- school.. 37. Why do bad things happen to good people?- because life isnt fair 38. In your opinion, what hurts more? Being left out or being stabbed in the eye?- what the fuck being stabbed in the eye have you ever been stabbed in the fucking eye? because i havent and i can already tell you that if my friends were talking without me and then someone stabbed me in the fuCKING EYE I WOULD BE JUST A LITTLE BIT MORE PREOCCUPIED WITH BEING STABBED IN THE E Y E  39. How many green shirts do you own?- none lol 40. Do you like anime?- sure! I dont watch it rn but i dont watch anything rn, haha 41. What do you invest the most time in?- sleeping,, 42. What was the name of the last book you read?- Rebecca :3 very gud book 43. What's the difference between loving and liking someone?- when ur main squeeze gets a hair cut and u still wanna suck their dingus u love em, thats it sorry i dont make the rules 44. Where are you most productive?- i dont.. know what this is asking lol I’m most protective over my romantic partners. As much as I’d love to say im most protective over Sarah, nothing compares to how “troll guarding his treasure” i am w/my loves.......... *eyes @my crush* 45. List 3 things you enjoy doing with friends.- talking shit abt rude ppl, playing vidya gaem, and talking abt life 46. List 3 things you enjoy doing alone.- watching makeup tutorials, watching lets plays, and thinking about everything and anything 47. Do you believe world peace will ever exist?- absolutely not. theres too many people on the earth to achieve that 48. Do you have any allergies?- Not to anything specific but i get them really often seasonally. i get them pretty much every time the weather changes :( 49. When was the last time you cussed at someone?- i mean.. every day of my life so like 50. What was the last promise you made?- idek dude 51. What was your last dream about?- IT WAS SO WEIRD IT WAS ABOUT MY CRUSH’S MOM? I DREAMT THAT SHE WAS A DEMON WHO STORED HER EGGS IN LITTLE PORCELAIN JARS AND THAT MY CRUSH HAD AN EAR INFECTION AND WE WERE IN A SNOWY VILLAGE IDK DONT ASK ME its weird bc my crushs mom is so sweet... 52. If you won a trip to Hawaii and you could take 5 people with you, who would those 5 people be?- i would literally only take Sarah bc i hate everyone 53. How many countries have you visited?- ive never been outside the US 54. What is your favorite medium of art? (Music, dance, painting, etc.)- writing :-) 56. When was the last time somebody complimented you?- those nice anons i got yesterday/the other day! 56. If you switched bodies with someone, how would you recognize yourself?- what do u even mean? youd know bc youd be like THIS ISNT MY BODY 57. Do you consider yourself mature?- kind of, yes 58. How many days in your life do you think you have wasted on tumblr?- too fuckin many 59. What is your favorite quote?- “Worship Satan!” -Ville Valo (no but rly any HIM lyric is my favorite quote, theyre so beautiful,,,) 60. If you started a new religion and you had to create 3 rules or commandments for your new followers to live by, what would those 3 rules be?- dont hurt ppl unless they hurt u, dont touch ppl unless they want u to, and respect gender/sexuality 61. What is your greatest accomplishment?- going 2 state! 62. Do you believe in the death penalty?- yeah i actually think it should b used more lol, kill all rapists and p*dophiles :-) 63. What are your goals for life?- i just wanna b happy, man 64. What do you think your soulmate is doing right now?- being a fucking idiot, probably 65. If you could live anywhere, where would you live? The place can be in an imaginary, fantasy, or the real world.- CALIFORNIA LMAO IM SUCH A SUCKER FOR CALIFORNIA AND I NEVER EVEN BEEN THERE 66. What were you like in 2013?- awful but also really sweet... then again i wasnt TECHNICALLY the host so lol  67. Do you have a job?- no :( i cant drive 68. Tell us a story about your childhood best friend.- she was an abusive bitch who took out her parents hating her on me the end 69. If you could change one thing about society, what would it be?- i would make discrimination a way more serious crime than it is taken for rn. ppl who discriminate should b put in jail 70. How many all-nighters have you pulled before?- just one when i had to install the sims and it took 6 years 71. Is tumblr your favorite website? If not, then what is your favorite website?- my fave website is youtube 72. What is the craziest thing you would do for a million dollars?- suck a dick, i guess 73. Does money equal happiness?- not all the time but it sure can 74. How many times have you experienced true happiness in your lifetime?- never, i dont think 75. How many times have you experienced true sadness in your lifetime?- too many times 76. What is the funniest joke you have ever been told?- you know that joke abt the blind man at the beginning of Crazy Rap? yeah thats fucking HILARIOUS  77. When was the last time you looked at the news?- this morn :0 78. If you could say one thing to the world, what would you say?- im gay 79. What is your favorite animal?- RACCOONS!!!!!!!!!!!! 80. If you could earn a million dollars by pretending to be dead for 3 years, would you do it?- i mean sure lmao nobody would b upset about it so 81. What is one thing that everyone is bad at?- being a human. 82. What time do you normally sleep? How many hours of sleep do you usually get?- i usually go to bed at 10 and get like 6 or 7 hours 83. Does age necessarily equal maturity?- not at all! 84. What is your favorite clothing store?- hot topic lol 85. In the winter- beanies or gloves?- gloves b 86. Would you rather have wings or a fish tail?- wings?? why would i want a fish tail 87. If you had the power to erase one person from the world so that nobody remembered him or her except you, would you do it?- absofuckinglutely.  88. What do you fear the most?- being like my rapist. thats a little too deep than i like to go but im being honest, thats literally my biggest fear Ever 89. How many digits of pi can you recite?- 3.14 lmfao i hate math 90. If you could travel back to one year and relive it again, which year would it be?- 2004. I would stop it before it happened. :-( 91. Describe yourself in one word.- stupid 92. Describe your last victory.- i woke up today w/o killin meself 93. What is the weirdest thing you have ever seen?- bendytoots cucumberpitch’s face 94. What is something you will never forget?- prom.. something rly nice happened 95. Would you rather forget all of the past or remember everything in vivid detail?- forget everything. please 96. Have you ever broken a bone before?- nope! 97. Is it harder to love or to hate somebody?- probably harder to love them lol 98. Coffee or tea?- coffer 99. What are some little things that you do that have changed your life in a positive way?- I dont overdose on a constant basis in a BPD-fueled rage any more so thats good 100. How many hours have you spend on tumblr today?- probably 1 or 2?

[ayatanskywalker4u]

NO ONE CAN BLAME YOU FOR WALKING AWAY

Does the story end when we go? Does love die if the pages stop turning? I hope so because Im in pain. How do u tell someone "you cheated 1st"? I slept with two women and the other I still love. I read her tumblr page when she wasnt looking, its not like i was the greatest guy. She said stuff like i said mean things. I know i did. Like a kid throwing a tantrum because i dreamed of a future. You know, having kids a house, maybe a dog. If i didnt love her why risk going to jail to save her life? Her father threatened to call the cops on me when i banged on the door yelling and crying shouting "SHES DYING" it was raining that night like some movie and me running through it. We were always there for eachother whether it was a prayer or a hand. I asked her to marry me and she said yes, that was somewhere in the middle.

Theres a lot that happened, some NSFW stuff that happened to her. I could see it breaking her. And when we finally met again she was laughing about some of the graphic content. She told me the old her was dead, like she was just looking past me. Like the night she was dying from an overdose. She didnt see the man that loves her. She only saw what she wanted to see.

When the ambulance took her away i met her the next day in the hospital ward. I will always remember this because as i turned away from her hand i felt her standing there almost begging me not to leave. I had to go, i joined the military.

What went through my mind during that moment was does she love me, then why didnt she call me before the pills? And she's slept with other men to boot. But i was always there even if it made me mad.

There was this other girl, Ebony. She was pretty but so was Ashley. I wanted to try getting back at her for running around. And no i didnt go to bed with Ebony after Ashley's incident. Not right after. I still shouldnt have. "He who touches a women divored commiteth adultery." The same goes for man. I sinned against my very heart which was Ashley and now she hates me.

Im not the type to go get a new dog when we have to put down o'l yeller. When my dog Ginger died i never replaced her. Can you replace a son or a daughter, a father or mother? Can you replace the person you almost lost your life for? I guess the question is should you though. I hate sounding like im giving up on what i believe in. I love ginger and i believe in a better place.

I stayed gone to military training until 2010. Ashley called in the beginning to see if i was alright. I was still mad at her. Was she sleeping with others even though i wasnt around even Ebony? Lol no but ebony was sleeping against me and Ashley even stalked her to find out for me. I thought she was manipulating my emotions. That was the beginning of our downfall. I called her, Ashley, right around my graduation. I was outside of a hotel the privates threw a party at. I missed her and decided to go outside and call her. She was with some other man sadly. Probably doing some NSFW with him as my heart breaks. She laughed at me over the phone, like hey Ash come on its OB. Im still here. I graduated but the woman i love left me.

After the military i called her every now and again. She wouldnt pick up most of the time. I joined the conservation corps and just decided to wait until she asked me to come over. My heart was racing when she asked to talk, funny enough i believe i quit there right beforehand.

We talked about a lot of stuff. Mainly she talked about the guy and the NSFW stuff. All while looking off in the distance just smiling and giggling about how he made her scream and broke the cheap Walmart bed. I was getting upset. Holding my tongue. But when she told me her father touched her, thats when i cracked. I laughed at her pain because it seemed like she was ignoring mine. I missed her forever and a day and she was just, idk she was something, a happy i wouldnt call happy. I spent the night i think, even tried to pull a night with her but its like she just hated me. The last time i recalled ever seeing her was the hospital. She must have held the hospital and ebony against me.

Fast forward to the next day she drops me off at my house. As i stare at her wondering whats going on in her head, probably the dudes equipment, she reaches out and tries to hug me. I pushed her hands away, like she just wanted me to feel like everything was going to be alright. She only wanted to chase tail. Like all those moments over the years we were together didnt matter. I know she was talkin to someone else, i felt like i couldnt "satisfy" her anymore in a way. She definitely didnt like my moves the night before. I watched her get back in the car and drive off.

Some years passed and we lost the house. I overdosed on i think excedrin. That was the night she wouldnt pick up her phone. Funny enough that bottle wasnt enough to finish the job. The cycle of wanting to die when you lose a love like a dog, pig, cow, man women, whatever its hard to kill unless you have hope.

I gathered my senses and decided to leave california for Minnesota. The week prior was bad though. I started hallucinating and i heard voices. I started developing schizophrenia, and destroyed my mothers house due to it. Back to the following week im leaving for Minnesota and Tony tells me he has a gun he wants to sell. I figure i'd buy it when i get paid. You guessed it, im looking to make the job quick. Ashley didnt love me anymore. She wont miss me anyways. I Know how to pull an M9 apart blind folded and put it back together within seconds. I know the central nervous system is what you aim for. Its in the back of the skull at the nape of the neck. You'd leave this world in seconds. I know it sounds grim but come on, its better than commiting adultery against my heart. Who wants to live and suffer at the same time?

Tony saw me brandishing the piece and hid it from me i was crying about what i had done to everyone.

Tony ended up ditching me in Minnesota, luckily it wasnt my first time eating out of a trash can. Home is where you make it. Some people at the shelter became my friends and we played guitars together. But i wasnt as good with the guitar as i am now.

Salvation army was my first job in Minnesota, i was just happy again. I grew my hair out and styled it down, not like Prince and less greasy. After work id go get a drink. I worked that job for about two months i know because my birthday had passed and i believe i turned 25.

2015 came down and i still was asking god what now. I was skinny and handsome playing the guitar with a job. There were women who'd look and stare and some thought i was full of myself. The truth is i just wanted to be able to hold ashley if she ever fell in my arms. I was kinda muscly. I always told myself that one day her legs will fail but id be ready, the muscles werent just for show.

I hit on a few women but i never chased. Id go to the library every now and again to read. And then it hit me, even though i had no cell phone i could use the computers, Ashley was the 1st thing on my mind. I called, i dont think she answered but messaged back. She sounded angry. She was pregnant is what she was. Little did i know. All said and done she left me feeling more empty than i had planned. I started getting angry at God, "if you control everything and move everything, why are you moving me toward Ashley? She doesnt even see the love anymore or remember the sacrifices."

The train to the mall was coming by soon. I went to the liquor store with a plan. Buy as much fireball whiskey as i can consume and jump off of the mall of america. The train was sluggish, probably because i had been drinking. I fell into a doze just before the last stop, "The Mall of America". I woke up and walked slowly, tipsy, toward the elevators to the 6th floor. I heard a voices as i walked to the ledge. I turned around to see if anyone was watching me, my back against the guard rail. I climbed on top and looked down, liquor really did help. I turned my head up and told God "you want my life? You can have it". I let go of my hands back toward the earth and fell asleep.

When i woke up it was about 2 weeks later. My vision was blurry but i made out my mom crying on my chest. I slowly reached and touched her scalp. She didnt know i woke up. Short lived, i went back to sleep. Not just my mom was there but my sister too. They drove from California. How did they find me with no ID?

I stayed in that hospital for 3 months, due to my injuries and placed in the psych ward. My family visited me every few months. All that was going through my head is 'I'm alive" it took me a while to figure out how to use my legs being one has nerve damage now. But i started walking before my bones could fully fuse. The nurses told me to stop.

After i gained disability and got placed in housing, i bought a game to occupy my time. No more work outs, no more running, just me trying to forget the reasons i gave up on life. A couple months to about a year later my mother asks if i want to leave the housing and save the disability money. I said yes to that. I didnt know they'd take me back to california on my birthday. It was a nostalgic drive.

I picked up a walking routine and decided talking to ashley was always going to end with her thinking about my faults. I stopped calling her for probably 4-5 years no messages, nothing.

One day my mom asks if i want to go for a ride and talk. We drove until we reached the on ramp she passes me her phone with a picture of Ashley holding a baby. It was Zipporah. What should i have felt? If ashley is dead why did ashley hold onto the dream? And share it with someone who just left her holding the bag. I couldnt believe it after how hard we tried to bring her into this world.

But i cant chase Ashley anymore, i cant even run, literally.

I didnt know if she was married or not to the dude all i know is his ass wasnt in any pictures with the baby. Ive done some searchin around, he was some dead beat who'd prey on women revealing there weak sides on the internet instead of reality. Yeah I never liked virtual dating. That or the websites. Why do for me what i can do myself?

Even after zipporah was in my view i was a happy mad. Happy that Ashley finally got her family minus the father. But mad at the whoremonger man who just left her. I was a little sore with Ashley for hiding it.

Its been a a year and a couple months after the pictures were seen. I started forcing the thought of Ashley out. I wanted her to disappear, me or her, but mainly me. She wants to chase body parts thats on her. But Im broken now. I still love her and sure some might say less than before but i say im just skeptical now. Besides what good is seeing me broken going to do for her? Idk if she'd just laugh at me again. I kinda wish she would, so i can take these feelings and curse the day she ever earned my love.

Whats the point in arguing though. We were so happy until people stepped in and sabotaged our emotions. You hate me for cheating, laughing at what happened between the father and you and walking away. When i should have stayed. I forgave all the crap in the past. But im almost done.

The doctors told me i dont have much time left after my jumping act. I messed up my innards pretty good. The alcohol relaxed the impact though. I dont want to tell my mother, she'd flip over what im talking about. I think i can close the book on this life well too.

Even though i didnt get to help raise the dreams we shared i learned you still held onto dead things just to keep the dream alive. Ashley is alive in there somewhere, only ashley would name that baby zipporah.

I can leave happy.