#im not ever gonna be liked or depended upon or needed for anything

[strawberrysweater]

.

[noxiatoxia]

hi!! i hope you don't mind the ask ^^ i was wondering about how you got started with sprite ripping, specifically through tinke, because im trying to learn myself so i can rip as much as i can from the d.gray-man ds game and well..... it's definitely quite the process and im really unfamiliar with these things ;;^_^ i actually found your blog while searching for information which is why i thought to send an ask :0

Hey! I'm pretty flattered you thought to ask me!

So, I'm gonna go through several games, because it highly depends on the game and what you see. That way you have a lot of examples to work with.

Let's start with Death Note: Successor to L as that is the game I'm most know for ripping the sprites from. It is also a bit unstraight forward, which helps some things in explaining.

Upon opening the .nds file in Tinke, this is what we see.

Locate the "data" folder, click the +.

See this data.bin? Despite its icon, we do not want to unpack it.

Instead, we want to Open as > compress

You'll get a popup window called "Select Offset". Don't do anything; just click "Accept".

After a second of waiting, suddenly we have this huge list of new .bins! So where do we find the images?

Scroll until you find the LAST [IPAL] .bin. Everything under it will be the game's sprites.

So, everything under "data_15108.bin [IPAL]" in this case. So...where are the images?

Under it is data_15109.bin. And under that, data_15110.bin. Open as > compress them both.

Based on icon, we can see we have a palette file and a tile file. First, we have to open the palette file as a palette.

Now, let's see what happens if we open the tile file now... (as a tile, of course)

Well...that doesn't look right. For reference, this is the sprite in question:

So, why does it look like that?

What if we manually adjusted the width? You can hold down the up or down arrow to see it change in real time.

But setting it to 128.... (half)

Looks about the right size, just...cut off. We'd have to adjust the height, too.

Or, we can try opening it as a map instead and see if that helps. So let's try opening this file as map instead.

Ah! Did all the work for us! But...where's the other half of the sprite? And why are the colors weird?

Let's Open as > compress the .bin below...

...Well, there's the other half. So, you'll have to stitch them together. Ok, what about the colors?

This is where the palette comes in. Tinke will use the colors of the last palette you viewed. Thankfully, we know this is Light's palette since the palette file precedes all his sprites. But why is it showing up wonky?

See these bold colors up top? This is our issue. We need only one of these bold colors that is clearly not supposed to be a color in Light's sprite. Why? Because that will be the color of the sprite's background (which we can edit out later.)

See this start byte button? Keep clicking up, you will see the squares slowly move backwards (idk how to describe it, just hold down the up button and see for yourself). Do it until only the last bold color remains. Cyan, here.

Now, let's go reopen the image as map.

Perfect! You can even click that "Transparency" button to turn the bold color transparent.

Now, all you have to do is click "Export"

Here's the output:

Of course, the same will have to be done with the sprite below it, and then you'll have to stitch them together in any editing software or art software (MS paint, firealpaca are both free) and there you go! the sprite :)

Now, not all games are like this. So let's look at another.

Let's do Pokemon Black 2 (this is the JP version but as far as I know, both games have the same file paths)

Already, this looks WAY different. No Data folder. Just an "a" folder, with a million sub folders. How are we ever gonna find what we want?

Well, there's 2 answers. One is Google. I googled "Pokemon Black 2 sprite files locations" and got this answer:

So a > 0 > 0 > 4...

But what if Google doesn't have an answer?

Well...Sorry to say, at that point, it's a game of trial and error. You're going to have check everything yourself (that's what I had to do with the Death Note game).

But back to Pokemon. So, I open as > compress....

A little different here, too. But If I had to guess, 4_19.RLCN is our palette, and 4_20.bin (after we open as compress) will be our image.

Right I am. But opening the image as map, it still looks weird. I'll mess with the width - that usually works.

Just a few clicks of the down arrow and we got Bulbasaur.

However, this palette doesn't look like Bulbasaur at all. There's no green or anything...maybe the actual palette it at the bottom there?

So it is! You can tell just by looking at the colors that this is meant to be for Bulbasaur. The greens, blues, and reds for the mouth. Now, the question is how to get the right palette on it...

Unlike Light's palette from earlier, this one is much smaller, so we can tell the palette size is actually 16/16, not 256/1

Just switch it over.

I did 40 for the offset again, as this seems to be a regular number used for palette offsets.

And wouldn't you know it!!

Okay, I've hit image limit so i'll stop here. But I hope this helps. Some games are encrypted or use file types not recognized by Tinke, so if you're having additional troubles you can message me again :) otherwise I hope this helps. When in doubt just try opening everything and anything lol.

[heartslobbf]

could you talk about food in rgu as a kind of symbol for incest? it doesn't have to be anything too coherent or anything i just loved that post and would like to hear a bit more abt it!

hello yes absolutely!!!!! i appreciate you enabling me to be incoherent because whilst i claim to be a writer, i am godawful at putting anything polished out thanks to my perfectionism. you do not want to see my rgu essay drafts.

anyway. food and incest in rgu. i made a post saying that every food item in rgu at least tangentially relates to the show's exploration of incestuous abuse and how that is directly enabled by the institution of family. underneath the cut im gonna talk about my favourite and most notable examples of this. note that i will be closely discussing examples of incestuous abuse and csa in rgu.

my big thesis on this topic stems from the fact that anthy can't cook but akio can. anthy is capable of making non-substantial food, and otherwise entirely incompetent in the kitchen. she can't really provide for herself, and thus is dependent on others (namely akio) to live. akio is an adult who prides himself on his supposed independence (note how that independence helps shape his americanised masculinity), and not only does he cook and therefore provide for anthy, later utena and nanami, but he's shown to be beyond competent in the kitchen. he bakes a cake in episode 30 which both utena and wakaba comment on as being impressive, and in episode 32 he makes a rose hip jam that suggests his culinary skills go beyond standard measures.

the family institution makes it incredibly difficult for people to leave abusive families, especially when they are children. the ability to feed oneself in rgu determines how stuck in ohtori's system a character is. wakaba, for instance, is presented as an amateurish cook, and despite having proximity to the duels and akio is never fully subsumed by them. saionji and tsuwabuki are probably the other characters most notable for culinary skills, and for both of them they are only ever shown preparing food for themselves or nanami. with tsuwabuki, this is another of his unintentionally sinister attempts to be close with nanami. he is essentially trying to make her depend upon him to live, but he's literally 10 and doesn't really understand the implications of what he's doing. he just wants to provide for her! saionji offers to make nanami eggs when he notices that she's distressed, and i think this gets at the nuance of dependence on others, and being a provider. namely, you will and should be dependent upon others to an extent. offering and accepting help alike is important. saionji offering to make nanami eggs is a nice and genuine moment between them, and is distinctly different from some other instances ive discussed because their relationship isn't abusive or toxic or pseudo-incestuous or whatever else.

i'd like to suggest that miki and kozue's milkshake is actually quite similar to the eggs, even though their relationship is both toxic and incestuous. when kozue asks miki for a milkshake at the end of episode 15, she's extending an olive branch. the milkshake is complicated undoubtedly, but i think it pretty effectively summarises the issues in their relationship a la purity and knowledge and independence. i would write more on this if i'd rewatched ep 15 recently but it's worth noting that the milkshake is textually childish and non-substantive, and that's why kozue initially rejects it whilst miki makes and drinks it.

my magnum opus of incestuous food is the shaved ice, which is kind of like saying the sky is blue. like gee i wonder why anthy tells nanami in episode 4 that mixing the red and yellow syrrups together tastes so good like i just cant work it out its too subtle as utena always is. and of course the shaved ice reprises in episodes 31 and 32, or as i like to call them, Hey Check Out This Show's Thesis On Incestuous Abuse. dont think i need to explain whats going on when anthy feeds akio shaved ice in front of nanami and theyre both horribly uncomfortably coy and flirtatious the whole time. i definitely think theres something in anthy's shaved ice facilitating incestuous implications in all its appearances, but im not sure what. the ice isnt about forcing people to depend upon their family members, it's childish and indulgent and there's certainly something in that which relates to anthy. i actually have a lot of thoughts about anthy's perception of incest, namely because she loves to make jokes about it and all of them make me very sad. all instances of shaved ice are about taunting nanami, also. lots of thoughts here.

final big cornerstone in food = incest relates to a throwaway moment at the start of ep 11 where utena reveals that she intended to eat a single pre-packaged piece of convenience food for lunch, and wakaba and anthy both provide elaborate bentos for her instead. utena is an orphan. there's no one to provide for her in any socially conventional way, her parents aren't making her lunches nor have they taught her how to. returning to my Akio Can Cook point, in episode 26 akio tells utena that he considers her 'practically family'. there is a pseudo-incestuous nature to akio's relationships with both utena and touga, which is a broader point for a broader topic, but what's really important here is that utena feels she can depend upon akio to provide for her. and, horribly, she can! this makes it all the more difficult to reject him, because he is everything she has wanted ever since her parents died. you can also link to tsuwabuki here with pseudo-incest, and returning to touga momentarily there's something about the kiryuu family and all of their food being made by staff and also, you know, incest and pseudo-incest.

i think these are the big things to hit in regards to this idea. the curry episode is also absolutely fascinating, as is kanae and the apple, as is the cantarella scene and tea and cookies in ten years time. im kind of just throwing ideas around now but im not trying to write some deeply considered essay here, more so throw around some ideas ive had and see if anything sticks with anyone else.

[gb-patch]

Ask Answers: May 15th Part 1

It’s been longer than usual since our last answer session, so I’m answering a ton of questions today! It’s so big I split it into two parts. Thank you for the patience on getting a response to these.

Thanks for reaching out to us with your questions and kind words ^^!

Sorry if this has been asked before or isn't something you can say but is there anyway for Cove to confess in step 4? I wanted him to confess in step 3 and followed all the steps to make him do it but ended up texting my family instead of Cove at the end.

Yeah, Cove can confess in Step 4!

Hello! I heard that Cove is on the spectrum, albeit undiagnosed. As someone who is ND, this makes me UNBELIEVABLY happy. I literally was brought to tears! Thank you for that!

Out of curiosity, will Cove be diagnosed in Step 4? I have a strong feeling y’all won’t make it a HUGE deal/make it out to be negative, so I’m not worried about that whatsoever! I’m just curious just he’ll off handedly mention it? Or will it just not be touched upon at all (which is ok!)?

Either way is ok, I’m just curious!

I’m happy it made you happy! Admittedly, Cove simply being someone with autism that grew up not being diagnosed was something I included for myself. I didn’t really think anyone would notice or ask about it, aha. But players did start to have questions about his traits, so I started to talk about it outside of the game. It’s great to see it get such a positive response and now I do feel like having it be a non-topic may have been the wrong choice and bringing it up would’ve been good in terms of having positive representation for that. I don’t know if I’ll find a way to mention it in Step 4 now, with how far along the game is, but I am at least thinking about it when originally it wasn’t something I really even considered.

Hey!  Just wanted to say thank you for Our Life.  It's been a bright spot and a needed escape in what's otherwise been a crummy year.  I know you just did a Q&A post but I figured I'd ask anyway.  Was just curious about Step 4.  Will it be similar to the other Steps in that it consists of several different moments or will it just be one long sequence?

Step 4 is shorter than the prior Steps because it’s just an epilogue rather than a full arc of a story. It’ll consist of scenes that all happen in a set row one after the other. There won’t be a collection of Moments to choose from. But it’ll still be very sweet and fun.

¡hola!, you see, first I want to say that I love Our Life! (°◡°♡) and I have 2 important questions, would Cove cry watching titanic? and what is the saddest part according to him? (sorry for my english) 

Titanic would make him cry. He’d probably think the parts showing people who aren’t able to make it to the life boats/are choosing to stay and go down with the ship were the saddest.

Hello, I wanted to ask how much you earn with creating games? Like is it possible to make a living? Thank you >< <3 

How much I earn varies a lot month to month based on Steam sales, Patreon backers, and how many projects are in full production at the time. It’s also hard to say how much I make historically, since that also changes dramatically year by year. But I do earn enough to work on these games full time! I really appreciate all the support that allows me to do that.

Hey!! I was wondering for the 18+ Our Life moment, will there be an emphasis on safety/comfort for all involved? I feel like there  would be just going off of what the rest of the game is like, but I wanted to ask 

Yes! Cove is a nervous boy himself and also super cautious about doing anything the MC doesn’t like, so clear consent from both is absolutely needed for anything to happen. It’s a conversational sexy times Moment with stops/starts so the two can talk about how they’re feeling, rather than a heat of the moment just going for it kind of thing.

Hey!! I was wondering how long the wedding dlc would be? Will it be broken up into moments, or just one big event? 

It’s one long series of scenes all in a row rather than a collection of Moments to pick from. It’s the shortest and the least expensive of all the DLCs. It’s not super crucial to get and those who aren’t into big weddings can totally skip it without worry.

HELLO AMAZING DEVS 👋 i am hopelessly in love with the worst guy ever (jeremy king) and because of this i have a really stupid question: does he really hate people who are nice to him? TvT he’s too cute to be mean to istg it’s a miracle JB held the urge to be consistently nice to him bc just look at his FACE he is so cute! thank you for jeremy’s route it’s so lovely (and awful bc he’s scum 11/10) it gave me so much laughs LMAO i hope you guys have a good day!! 

Haha, thank you. He doesn’t hate them but he’s certainly not pleased with them. Jeremy is either uncomfortable with or annoyed by people being sweet on him, depending on how they approach it. He’s far more comfortable with jerkiness. It lets him relax and he can be himself without it being a problem, since he’s also a jerk. He feels a level of guilt being such a little punk to kind people, not enough to be a better person but still.

Has Cove dated or been interested in someone other than MC? 

Nope! He stays single over the course of the game if he’s not with the MC.

Is Step 4 more mature? Or it's gonna be set in similar atmosphere as Step 3? 

Step 4 is a similar atmosphere as Step 3. Though, it’s actually kind of less mature-topic heavy than Step 3 since it’s just a ‘hey, let’s check in on the gang to see what they’re up to’ style epilogue rather than a story arc with serious issues.

will there be new music for now and forever?? or will the old our life music be reused? 

It’s gonna be a brand new soundtrack. We’ll be opening up a job position for that soon.

Hi, is it okay if we use the assets in Our Life (like the sprites) for fanworks or fan content content, like edits? 

Sure! Just as long as you don’t use the assets made by those artists to make money.

Quick clarification on Step 3 choices: I hope I didn't come off rude (because I LOVE the game, really!!), I was just curious because the intro threw me off at times. For example, you could choose how you felt about Elizabeth in Step 2 (Dinner), but during the Step 3 intro, it says that you got closer to Liz and I didn't get a choice in it. 

For the example, it can’t be helped that you’re closer to Liz in Step 3 than you were in Step 2 because she’s inherently closer to the MC regardless of whether you liked her or not in Step 2. Her feelings are out of your control and the game isn’t so dramatic that you can push her affection away and not let her bond with you, haha. But ‘being closer’ can still be relative. For some people maybe that means you’re best buds now and for others it might just mean you’re not fighting all the time any more. If there’s other parts you want to mention, feel free to let us know.

Did the illustrator for Our Life change? 

We have many OL artists! The main artists who set the game’s style haven’t changed, but there’s multiple other artists who help finish assets.

So Miranda's type is confident and outgoing, huh? So...does that mean Terri's her type?? 👀 

Haha, sorry for the late reply on this. As you might’ve seen in our post yesterday- yeah that is her type.

Hey! First, I just want to say I've really enjoyed how detailed OL got with gender identity and sexuality and how respectful the topics were handled! It's been so wonderful to play since the experiences could be close to my own (I'd be lying if I said I didn't tear up at parts). Second, I was wondering, would future games explore the topic of polyamory? I'd love to see more visual novels allow room for that and I saw you've explored the topic before.

Keep up the amazing work! ♡

Thank you! We do want to include polyamory in at least some of our future projects. Floret Bond, which might be what you’re referring to when mentioning how we’ve explored the topic before, is on hold unfortunately. So right now I’m not sure when something might release or what will be the first game of ours to come out with poly relationships (we might do something else before FB is done). We’ll have see how things ends up coming together.

Hey um. I feel like im not allowed to ask this on the private discord cuz people will yell at me but why is there so much focus on OL2 and not finishing OL1 stuff? I like the new people but i kind of want to finish cove's story and get derek and baxter stuff first. didn't people pay for it? 

I’m sorry, I don’t understand entirely what’s making that situation a concern. There’s a channel in the discord for critique where no one is allowed to comment back. People can voice things they’re worried about without any way for others to push back on it. And the two teams working on the OL games are different. We try to post pretty often about how we’re hiring brand new people to start on Our Life: Now & Forever. The OL1 team is all still working on OL1 like normal. There’s only more updates on the Patreon for OL2 because the expansions to the first game are mostly script-based at this point while OL2 is just starting to get all its art, which means there’s a lot more to show off as previews.

Also, there was a Kickstarter for the first Our Life, if that’s what you mean by people paying for it. But one of the stretch goals was to start Our Life 2 early, before fully completing Our Life 1, so that the new game could be out sooner. It wouldn’t make sense to stop doing OL2 work because that would be going against what backers were promised. Maybe you didn’t get the full story before and hopefully this clears it up!

Hello! I know it's up to every player but.. What is your recommendation for playing order? Did you ever had any timeline  events planned? 

I didn’t make the events with a planned timeline. The events got made simply as I had ideas for them and then I just kind of organized them from left to right on the screen in an order to space out more dramatic ones between more lighthearted ones. Any order the player wants to go with is totally valid!

Hi! It's Step 4 a paid dlc or update? And how long it's planned to be? Ps. Love the game! 

The Step 4 epilogue is free! The Cove Wedding DLC does cost money, though. Those are planned to be shorter than the usual Steps/DLCs.

Will we have options for what sort of job the MC might have by the time step 4 takes place? 

Yeah, you can. It’s not super exact or detailed, but there are options about it.

Is there a pandemic in Our Life world, or is it just in a better timeline with no pestilence? 

Our Life is pandemic-free! That didn’t exist when we began working on the project and it’s not something we’d like to feature in this story now that it has unfortunately come along, aha.

Hi, you said that you can play tic-tac-toe or hangman with Cove in Boating if you're sick/scared but I keep getting tic-tac-toe. Am I doing something wrong?

After being sick/scared you have to continue to be upset/unwell. If you calm down and decide to just chill you’ll end up playing tic-tac-toe.

Hi, GB Patch! Since Lee was initially commissioned to only appear in two Steps does this mean she won't appear in the Wedding DLC? I really like her character so it'll be a little weird to not have our cousin at our wedding, aha.

She is gonna be in Step 4/the wedding DLC after all! We’re still working with her creator to make sure it fits with what they wanted.

Is Sunset Bird based on a real place? Asking for a friend, not trying to move there or anything. 👀

It’s based on small beach towns in So-Cal, but not one specific town you could go see in real life, I’m afraid. It’d be nice if it was real, though.

—– —– —– —–

We released a new FAQ! It answers common questions and we’ll keep adding more to it. Please check there before sending an ask. FAQ   Also, if you prefer to just see the main posts without all the asks/reblogs, feel free to follow our side account instead: GB Patch Updates Blog

[motherraid]

Hey Piss Anon! I just want you to ask you what's your opinion or how do you picture an headcanon about Duwang gang's "Momma bear friend" Reader? Ps: I love your work

<I SWEAR TO GOD IM SO SORRY I DIDNT SEE THIS BEFORE>

Duwang gang + Mommabear! reader

Teenage/childhood friend! Reader:

You can't quite remember exactly WHEN you became everyone's other mother, but you did.

What you CAN remember was becoming Josuke's friend sometime around a few years ago. I'd say you were HIS second mom first.

You two practically stuck to each other like glue. With the basics of your relationship being,

"Hey ___, look what I can do!!"

"DON'T YOU DARE-"

OH ALSO bonus points if you have a stand, though.

At some point in time, Josuke jumped from the second story of the school and yelled, "Catch me!!"

You nearly had a heart attack and were almost .5 seconds away from missing him.

And I won't even talk about the scolding you gave him.

And he usually ends up with some sort of scar.

How ironic that he can't heal himself.

That's another thing you have to help him with.

Whatever scar or would he gets, whether it hurts or not, you're taking care of it. He actually enjoyed being babied, as well.

It got so bad, he FAKED injuries just to get you to take care of him.

Of course, it never worked.

Anyways, because you two were so close, upon meeting the rest of the gang, you just naturally assumed the role of mother.

Not to mention Josuke was jealous as shit when everyone started treating you as a mom. Now where was his affection? That's not fair.

But I can't blame you???

(OKUYASU)

Okuyasu has no father figure, nor brother,

You often spend time helping him with his assignments with Josuke or hanging out with him and the gang in your spare time. He knows fully well that he can come to you for anything, and you'll welcome him with open arms.

He frequently calls himself stupid, and it's kinda sad, cause he's not stupid. He's just a little rash and quick to act. Please let him know this at ANY honest or peaceful moment. Or else, he'll think you're joking.

(KOICHI)

Koichi is fine. However, he has a stand he knows nothing about, meaning he'll be targeted by other stand users and can't do jack shit about it,

He truly loves having someone he can depend on. You're just a nice stable person. Someone strong and admirable. So admirable, even Yukako knows you'd never try anything with him, so she doesn't even get the tiniest bit jealous whenever you're with him.

He overworks himself like hell. Listen, help him with this, please. Josuke and Okuyasu do a great job of keeping him from being burnt out, but sometimes, that's not even enough. And I'm just gonna assume you know there wouldn't be best the situation if Yukako gets involved.

(YUKAKO)

Yukako was another friend you had before meeting everyone else (though she and Josuke rarely exchanged words), so she's fine. Except for her INSANE CRUSH ON KOICHI,

Again, she knows you wouldn't do anything to hurt Koichi, so if you're ever scolding or hovering him, Yukako would join. Since you're such a good and smart friend, you should also knows what's best for him, right?

You're quicker to calm her down than the rest (even though Koichi does it best). She puts so much of her trust in you, as well. Even coming out and telling you about her crush on Koichi, you guided her through her feelings and helped her come up with a confession.

(You DIDN'T EXPECT HER TO CREEP OUT AND KIDNAP HIM-)

(But... They're happy now..? Yay them.....?)

And Josuke... Listen, do I even need to continue?

No? Okay.

(Rohan)

Rohan... here's the thing.

He doesn't really like the whole "momma bear" thing.

If you ever tried to mother him he'd look at you like "bitch who tf do you think you are?"

He's a grown man ffs, so I don't think you'd make a good first impression on him.

And bad first impressions aren't really Rohan's thing, so if he sees you as overbearing or bossy, he WILL NOT tolerate you.

Josuke has tried to defend your honor by fighting Rohan.

That makes it worse don'teverletthisboyoutofyoursight.

Pls pls comfort all my children they need it >:[

[soulvomit]

stuff with gender anguish about not fitting in with today’s current gender constructions

From another post I made: I need to talk about 20th century gender norms at some point as a living breathing 20th century fossil and how different it was. To most straight people, being gender non conforming meant gay, trans was on the far end of the gay spectrum, and gay was associated with being socially Not Normal at a time when you had to be Normal to get a white collar job. (The whole Normalhood thing im gonna talk about is VERY connected to mid-late 20th century construction of the white middle class.) Apropos of gender specifically... I’m not sure how 90s/00s genderfluid/genderqueer map to NB, or whether they do. It’s a big reason I am weird about IDing as NB - because it seems to mean something else than my particular understanding of my identity as it was formed in the 1990s. (Another thing is my social world being more people over 45 at this point and also I’m in a hetero relationship.) Part of 90s GQ stuff was that you could identify as a man part time, a woman part time, you could contain multitudes. “Woman-identified person with a male side” was a legit identity within that, so was “man-identified person with a female side.” You could be one person in the streets and another in the sheets. You could be several people in the sheets, especially if you were aligned with kinky culture. (And for a long time... I was.) There was a greater sense in the 90s and early 00s in genderqueerness culture that you could be GQ for no other reason than wanting to be and it wasn’t assumed to be bundled with physical dysphoria or even desire to change your public social identity. Some spaces - like West Coast geek culture and goth culture - had enough flexibility baked in that we didn’t really need to go to LGBTQ culture to explore our identities, and there was a whole geek queer sensibility that was evolving alongside of the broader LGBTQ culture that was definitely its own... thing.  And while people *say* that NB doesn’t mean any one particular thing or any of these things, that’s not always the message I get when visible NBs on TV/in film are almost always at present one very specific image or “type” of person, and that doesn’t resemble me. NB representation on TV amounts to presenting NB as a third gender with very specific codified behaviors (androgynous AFAB person who binds and has body dysphoria).   The message I get is that whatever my experience is, is better described some other way. Also the discourse around relationships with NBs is that a relationship with an NB is necessarily a queer relationship yet having been in relationships in and out of LGBTQ culture, I’m not really sure how to distinguish “a queer relationship.” My relationship is non-traditional in lots of ways and we’re both gender non-conforming in lots of ways though it doesn’t parse to most people because it’s along the lines of stuff that shouldn’t have ever been gendered in the first place. What my partner does not ever question however is his actual gender identity.  The thing is, actually publicly identifying as anything but a woman would create weird problems in my life in terms of social dynamics, and other stuff, and probably an unpredictable series of ripple effects downstream. But - that... just means I’m closeted, right? And closeted doesn’t mean your identity doesn’t exist or isn’t as unreal as someone who isn’t? And what if - as a “shapeshifter” - my relationship to myself within my relationship *is* part of that shapeshifting?  One of the things is that I’m in a heterosexual relationship. My relationship *is* one of my few spots where I’m happy in my skin, let alone happy in the world and I have no complaints with how I’m perceived in this relationship, and part of it is that practically every assumption about my gender is true, or has been true at some point, including the fact that I’m fine with being seen as a woman in the context of my relationship.  It’s in other spaces besides the intimate, that gender stuff makes my skin crawl. My deep interior gender identity is “pixels floating in the ether, which can assume any shape or form.” My gender identity among other people in non sexual friend spaces is “friend.” My partner identifies as a cis het man. I don’t feel like my relationship has any special quality that’s different from queer relationships I’ve been in, other than identities people have. If my partner doesn’t feel our relationship is queer then I don’t feel it is, either... though it’s not exactly *traditional.*  I don’t feel like our relationship is different from our hetero neighbors’ relationships regardless of whatever history I have. I have no way of knowing what my ostensibly-female ostensibly-heterosexual neighbors’ interior identities really are, or what their history is. And because we’re monogamous, it just never ever comes up. Our social world is about half queer and half not so nothing has changed. After decades of only dating people who had LGBTQ identities, and having a particular social world, now I’m with a cis het man from that same social world and nothing really has changed about the shape of my life.   I’ve moved between different spaces my entire life, sometimes I perceived myself as a boy in a girl’s body, but sometimes I didn’t, and don’t. And gender is one of the spaces in which I feel like a chameleon. There seem to be a ton of gender expression based communities that disappeared since the 90s that either disappeared or were erased from discourse and that makes this weirder/harder to talk about.  Another thing is that a lot of the discourse around pronouns (if pushed I’ll say I’m she/they but I am literally comfortable in anything, depending upon context) makes me really uncomfortable. Even in LGBTQ spaces it makes me uncomfortable. There’s the me that my friends know, and some of my family knows, and it’s a big enough world to contain that part of me at this point. I would rather not put my identity under a microscope in any space that matters. It’s weird but I wish I could just be “they” in the work, creative, etc, spaces, without the loading of what “they” means. I wish it meant nothing about the people who love me, or who I love, or how I love, or how I live my life, besides what pronoun I use. But it doesn’t mean nothing. That is why I hope more cis identified people will actually identify as they in the public sphere. There are plenty of spaces in the public sphere that I don’t think should be gendered at ALL. My wanting to be a “they” is in some ways more about wanting public anonymity and having formed my sense of self - at a tender time - online, than about my gender identity. Which means I’d be potentially appropriating “they” from people for whom it IS a deep identity, and yet... haven’t I spent half of my blog talking about how I’m not exactly the gender identity I advertise?? Haven’t I spent a long time up to now advocating for “they?” Isn’t feeling like a they, evidence that I’m a they?  And the thing is, this is such a YMMV issue and the problem is that EVERYONE has competing access needs with EVERYONE ELSE. Anything one queer person wants or needs seems to oppress some other queer person, and it sucks. But sometimes I wonder if I even need to just recognize how cis het passing my life is and acknowledge my privilege. The thing is though at that point... is it how much oppression we’ve experienced or are currently experiencing, that alone makes our identity? That’s as silly an idea as saying I’m less of a Jew because I haven’t personally experienced a hate crime. And yes there’s a lot to shared oppression experiences forming group identities, but I’m not talking about group identity. I’m talking about personal feelings of identity.

[cblgblog]

I can't with Stucky anymore. Like what were you watching if you think Peggy and Steve were forced? Where? Is there a special version of Captain America available somewhere else? Like, help? Do you get your bi card revoked if you love Steve and hate Stucky. Must I return it if I really really don't "see" the subtext? Like, tell me please, I love being bisexual, I don't want to return my card. Sorry for the rant, love your blog.

Apparently we must turn in our bi cards together.

Here, look, here’s the situation. I get why Stucky is a thing. They’re good men, they’re hot, loved each other forever, always rescuing each other, etc. I get it. I don’t ship it personally, but I absolutely get it.

I get not liking Peggy. I don’t agree with it, at all, but I get it. Neither of those things on their own are my problem with it. Stucky in my opinion is fine.

The problem is, Stucky was not queerbaited. Queerbaited is…this site has no understanding of that word anymore. Stucky was never once teased as something that was going to be part of the canon. Just because they are in the movies together and they gaze longingly into each other’s eyes (depending who you ask) and you want them to be a couple, does not mean you were queerbaited. Not when Steve’s only 2 canon relationships are with women. Not when they’re joking about the girl Bucky spent 50 bucks on (in today money) at Coney Island. Not when both of them are only ever shown dating/being interested in women. The only romances we see with Bucky are the girl from the fair in First Avenger, the above mentioned girl from Coney Island, and now the girl he went on the date with in ep 1 of FatWS.

Does this mean it’s a bad ship? Fuck no. Does this mean you cannot perceive them as any sexuality that you want? Fuck no. Does this mean gay ships are bad? Fuck. No. Does this mean Steve, Bucky, or anyone else is automatically straight because they’re only shown dating the opposite sex? Fuck. No.

What it means is that you weren’t queerbaited, because canon never once indicated it would go that way. What it means is that there’s no canon proof you can point to to say with certainty that, canonically, these men were romantically interested in each other. Subtext is subjective, and subtext does not automatically equal queerbait. 

The only shippers who were unequivocally misled by canon are Staron people, because they hinted at that, it’s comics canon, and then they never did anything with it.

So that’s problem one. You can dislike the canon ship and wish yours was a thing without claiming queerbait, because you were not.

Other problem: You can dislike Peggy without pretending she was just there as a love interest for Steve, because that’s literally not the case.

Here’s a list of things that Peggy has done outside of Steve’s films, if I miss anything, feel free to add.

·       The Agent Carter oneshot in 2013 that led to the show.

·       The appearance on AoS.

·       Agent Carter the TV show

·       Marvel Puzzle Quest game where she’s an au version of Cap.

·       Exiles comics where she’s an AU version of Cap.

·       Lego Avengers and Lego Marvel Superheroes 2 videogames.

·       Ant-man appearance

·       Upcoming What If series where she plays Cap

·       Upcoming Women of Marvel comic where she’s going to be Cap again.

You can hate her, but don’t act like she’s “just a love interest.” Not when she founded SHIELD, upon which so much MCU stuff hinges, and not when she’s done so many things beyond Steve’s films.

Not all hetero couples are inherently the root of evil because they’re hetero, either, but that’s another conversation for me to be stabbed over.

Any followers I might have who like Stucky, it is not your ship that I take issue with. It’s the blatant misuse of terms by some in the fanbase, and the need to shit all over a woman’s accomplishments just because she got in the way of a ship.

I fucking hate Tony, for the most part, after IM 3, but I’m not gonna sit here and say that he literally never did one good thing in 10 years of movies. (Others will disagree with me there too, this is fine, just my take).

Anyway just, yeah, I’ll just wait for the hate mail now I guess, and cry myself to sleep when I get it.

[kendrixtermina]

Is anyone else sick to the brim of all this “wholesome” “self-loving” positivity crap everywhere nowadays?

It just bombards you from all sides. 

“Community” is bullshit & people that romanticize it scare me. Either that, or I think they must be clueless and lucky.  No part of your life should be up to wether your neighbors decide to like you, because that depends greatly upon randomness and reasons outside your control. people hate people for no reason all the time. 

its just chasing after some childish ideal fantasy of “safe” people or places, as if theres an aunce of that anywhere in the universe. 

id much rather prefer an impersonal government that HAS to give everyone the same stuff by law, no need to beg or nag anyone about it. of course present day governments are VERY FAR from doing this correctly, but the answer is not to return to the times when your grandparents ran your life and if they didnt like your nose you had nothing... wich means you had nothing with or without them because what you have only by someone else’s goodwill isnt truly yours

I should be able to live a dignified life without ever having to see any of their capricious faces or do a dance to please anyone

im not gonna be one of those ideologue cynics who will insists that people are bastards most of the time despite all scientific evidence to the contrary, but if they CAN be basards thats enough to never let anything depend on anyone’s goodwill

as for the “complicated houseplant” model of the human psyche, if you find it comforting instead of depressing then you’re a lost-ass cause

the problem is of course that all the other social media sites suck even worse, this is the only tolerable hovel since 4chan was overrun by the far right nuts,  except reddit perhaps, and reddit doesnt have half as much good art

[m-y-fandoms]

Kokichi x reader - patching him up after he falls through the floorboard

Request: I felt bad for a Kokichi when no one bothered to check up on him when he fell through the floor so how about a scenario where someone catches up to him after the trial and bullies him into letting them bandage him up. This small act of kindness causes him to fall for them.

Hey! I love this idea, but when he showed up at the trial, all the blood that was on his head and face was cleaned up, and he wasn’t light-headed or anything during the trial, some I’m gonna change up the request a bit to have the reader find him directly after he falls through the floorboard. Also, thanks for suggesting best boy, I will always have time to write for him - Mod Kokichi

SPOILERS FOR EVERYTHING UP TO CHAPTER 3 ENDING. Gender of reader never specified.

NOTE: MONOKUMA WAS OUT OF COMMISSION FOR THIS INVESTIGATION, BUT IM TAKING CREATIVE LICENSE TO ADD HIM BACK IN. WORK WITH ME LMAO.

     “Hmmm, I see. Thanks, Kiyo!” You finished up your light but lengthy interrogation of the anthropologist, who elegantly bowed his head and disappeared into his lab. You exited, rounding the corner to investigate further. You headed toward the three empty rooms, wanting to re-examine Tenko’s body after Korekiyo’s statements, even if the thought of your friend’s corpse made you uneasy. It had to be done.

     You rounded the corner, a sharp yelp releasing from your throat.

     Shuichi, Maki and Kokichi turned to face you, startled by your sudden scream. Kokichi’s forehead was soaked, dripping pink rivulets of blood, and he was leaning on the wall for support.

     “What’s going on?! What happened?! D-did someone attack you, Kokichi?” You ran over, joining the group and looking to Shuichi for answers.

     “He’s fine.” Maki stated flatly.

     “Obviously not, his head is gushing!” You were a bit irritated with Maki’s indifference, but a bit biased with your opinion on Kokichi. You knew many people disliked him, Maki least of all, but you didn’t see a reason to hate him. In fact…you’d been nursing quite the little crush on him. You found him witty, cute, intelligent.

     “Yeah, he felt well enough to pull a childish prank on us, so I’d say he’s fine as well,” Shuichi’s eyes narrowed as he spoke, arms crossing as he looked at Kokichi with contempt. Kokichi simply grinned back.

     “What prank?” You inquired.

     “He pretended he was dead, lying there face-down and bloody only to pop up when we got worried!” Shuichi scoffed, his nasally, nerdy voice getting rather worked up.

     “Kokichi…” you warned, seeing Shuichi’s point now. Kokichi merely smirked back at you as well.

     “Anyway, we gotta go finish up this investigation before Monokuma cuts us off, so if you’ll excuse me, y/n.” Shuichi nodded, leaving with Maki to investigate Angie’s research lab. That left Kokichi and you in the hallway alone, his eyes drooping now that Shuichi was out of sight. A moment of weakness.

     “Kokichi, are you alright? That’s a lot of blood. And you hit your head, yes? What if you have a concussion or something?”

     “Why are you standing around? I haven’t seen you investigating at all, you lazy, lazy scoundrel,” he changed the subject. “Gonna leave all the work to everyone else?” He forced a venomous grin that quickly turned into a clenched-teeth grimace, his head pounding. It didn’t escape your notice.

     “For your information, Ouma, I have been investigating, it’s just obvious to me who the guilty party is, so I’ve been slowing down. I’m ready for the trial.”

     “Hmm so you’re useless and cocky? Great, just what we needed for this case!” He started walking off toward the stairs, still heavily depending on the wall. His words were harsh, but as usual, held an untruth within them. He knew you were smart, and that you probably had figured it out, but he wasn’t going to admit that to you, of course.

     “K-Kokichi! Let me help you!” You grabbed his arm before he could stumble down the stairs. He looked to you incredulously, but didn’t pull away, looking at the little drops of pink that stained his white jacket sleeve.

     “I don’t need your help, stupid-head! What, you’re the Ultimate Nurse or something? Ultimate babysitter? Go bother someone else!” He was trying your patience now, but you weren’t going to turn your back on someone obviously in pain. You saw pain in his eyes, both from his mysterious past and the current injury. Kokichi was more than meets the eye, and you could easily perceive that. It didn’t hurt that he was attractive.

     “No, the Ultimate Psychologist, remember?” You stopped him when he tried to pull away and continue down the stairs alone.

     “Ohhhh, pfft! Yeah,” he rolled his eyes, “I had forgotten since you never actually do anything during trials.”

     “Monokuma!!!” You yelled out, ignoring his insult. Kokichi jumped at your sudden volume, and the monochrome bear appeared seemingly out of thin air.

     “What do you twerps want?” He smiled, hands on his hips.

     “How much time do we have left in the current investigation?”

     “And why should I tell you...? I think that seems a bit unfair! Then I’d have to tell eeeeeveryone!” He leaned forward at your threateningly. You gestured toward Kokichi.

     “Kokichi is obviously in no shape for a trial. He needs to get cleaned up and assessed, at least. I’m asking you to allow me the time to do so, no more, no less?” You challenged him.

     “No way! You’re cra-“

     “Kokichi is easily the smartest one here, and he keeps the trial fun and interesting, wouldn’t you agree?” You hated using the word fun to describe the killing game. You thought it was horrific and morbid, but a little lie to help a friend in the end wasn’t against your morals. “If he’s down for the count or out of it during the trial, it’s going to be painfully boring, right? No one to harass Miu, and everyone else gets along pretty well. It’s going to be a hand-holding ceremony of cooperation. Do you want that?” You glared at the small robot, Kokichi’s mouth a bit agape behind you. Not only were you defending him, which no one here did, but you were standing up to Monokuma.

     “Hmmm...well, I suppose, if it will improve the trial...I must reluctantly agree!” Monokuma’s paw rose to his chin pensively. “You’ve got an hour! Not a minute over, got it?!”

     “Deal. Can I have a first aid kit?”

     “No!”

     “RISE AND SHINE URSINE!” The three remaining Monokubs appeared in front of you, with Monodam holding a large white case in his metal paws.

     “HERE. I. WILL. ALWAYS, CONTRIBUTE. TO. THE. CAUSE. OF. GETTING. ALONG,” Monodam spoke in his staccato mechanical voice, handing the plastic container’s handle to you.

     “You’re lucky my wittle cubs are so cute and helpful and wesponsible!” He swooned at the smaller bears. “Now get outta here, times ticking!”

     “SO LONG, BEAR WELL!”

     You turned to Kokichi with a smile, and to your surprise, he smiled back.

~

     You sat in your room in the dorms, with Kokichi leaning his head back gently onto the side of the tub in your small, personal bathroom. You sat on the edge, massaging the dry blood out of his hair as he pouted, arms crossed against his chest and thin legs splayed out in front of him.

     “OW!” You touched a sensitive spot, the opening of his wound a little too roughly, and he shook his feet up and down, stomping on the ground like a little kid. “It’s clear you’re trained to take care of people’s minds, not their bodies, you asshole!” He yelled up at you. You chuckled lightly, easing up on his skull and rubbing out a particularly crunchy bit of coagulated blood.

     “What ever do you mean by that, my dear Ouma?” You teased, and he stiffened up, before quickly realizing his emotions were plain on his face, and pouting again.

     “I mean, it’s clear you know how to unravel someone psychologically and trick them, like how you ‘know the culprit already’and persuaded Monokuma, but you really have no talent for physical care, huh?” You assumed he was referring to your rather rough treatment of his body...well, what he determined as rough.

     “I think you’re being a little unfair, Kokichi. I think I’m doing a pretty great job. Do you feel any better after the water?” You’d made him down a few water bottles upon entering your room and examined the wound before rinsing his dark locks out.

     “Hmpf! Whatever. I guess I am grateful to you,” he sighed, “but my appreciation will only continue if you prove you’re truly not as dumb as I once thought!” He looked off dreamily.

     “And how do I do that?” You wrung out the longer pieces of his hair, playing along.

     “Who is the culprit then...if you’re so smar-?” You wrapped his head in a towel and it covered his face and mouth, muffling his words, “HEY!” You giggled and quickly rustled the towel around gently, careful to avoid directly scraping his wound. When you were done you lifted the towel, peeking under to look at his face. He scowled at you, a light dusting of pink on his cheeks.

     “Aww, don’t look so angry. It only makes you cuter!” He turned away from you abruptly, embarrassed, then stood until he was hovering over your seated position, playing it off.

     “Whatever! I’m outta here. Some of us actually want to live through this trial.” You grabbed his hand as he began to exit your bathroom.

     “It’s Korekiyo. It’s obvious, to me at least…he killed them both.” His eyes widened. How did you…? Of course, he had already come to this conclusion. Seeing something like confusion in his eyes, you continued. “It became apparent as I analyzed him. I talked to him for quite a while.”

     “Did you... shrink him?” He scoffed, a bit impressed.

     “I’m afraid so,” you wore a crooked grin, standing to meet him.

     “Aww, poor guy. And he didn’t even make an appointment!!! Though, I guess it’s really your loss after all. You shrinks are expensive! I hope he has insurance!” He laughed loudly, pitying the graceful anthropologist who would shortly meet his doom.

     “You knew already, then?” You inquired.

      “Of course!! Evil recognizes evil after all, and he is evil.” He waltzed toward your bedroom door, not a hint of a thank-you or appreciative word coming from his lips. You didn’t stop him, knowing the trial would soon commence anyway. But then, your thoughts prodded at you, and your lips opened.

     “K-Kokichi?” He paused, hands on his hips as he turned to face you.

     “Whaaaat? We haven’t got all day!”

     “I need to place a bandage and some antibiotic over your wound...it’s pretty deep.” Why were you so worried about him, he wondered. “A-and...I wouldn’t mind spending more time with you…” your cheeks felt hot and you looked toward the ground. He rolled his eyes, walking over and plopping down, criss-cross-applesauce in front of you. “Kokichi?”

     “I can’t blame you for wanting my attention,” he spoke lazily, “I am the most entertaining person in this dump!” 

     “You really are charming, you know?” You spat sarcastically.

     “Well???? Get to it!” He handed you the first aid kit beside your bed, and you accepted it with a relieved, gentle smile. You began to part his hair, looking for the wound, and he was grateful that you couldn’t see the expression on his face from that angle.

[havingsomemorejohnlarks]

1. + 2. + 3. + 6. + 8. + 9. + 13. + 17. + 20. + 22. + 29. + 39. for Rook D and his main ship(s) 🥰

thank you so much 😭 ily stg <3

ok so he doesnt really have a main ship so lets do the wheel of lovers lmao

the wheel chose John >:)

Rook Diamond x John Seed

1. Who is the most affectionate?

They both equally smother each other, but probably John bc mostly Rook leaves him alone when John is doing something important, but if Rook is doing something important, John is all over him. Like:

Rook: IM GONNA SNUGGLE YOUUUU- oh sorry youre doing taxes ill kiss your head and leave you alone

John: IM GONNA SNUGGLE YOUUUUUU- OH YOURE DOING TAXES??? IDGAF, IM SITTING ON YOUR LAP, LET ME LOOK

but they both immediately go in for cuddles when they see each other, cos theyre mushy like that

2. Big spoon/Little spoon?

Usually John is big spoon and Rook is little spoon and they both like that, but some days John needs to be little spoon and Rook would be more than happy to be his big spoon <3

3. Most common argument?

Most unimportant common argument is: "Please Rook that is not fashionable" "What are you talking about? This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen" "YOU ARE NOT BUYING THAT WITH ME PRESENT" "YES I AM" or even "Please Rook I'm begging, stop eating candy, your teeth are going to rot" "oh yeah?" *inhales a whole pack of gummy bears* "ROOK"

More serious arguments are more like: "John, I didn't like the way you talked to that person - I don't want you to be disrespectful like that, it's wrong and it makes me uncomfortable" "Rook, I know it's difficult for you but you need to tell me when I've upset you, and I don't like it when you don't - it makes me feel like you don't trust me" "John, stop being so hard on yourself"

6. What is their favourite feature of their partner’s?

John’s favourite feature of Rook’s physical body is his entire face and his chest - to narrow it down, his eyes draw him in like anything and he literally cannot look away sometimes, his face is the most handsome thing John has ever clapped eyes upon, his hair is the cutest thing ever, and John just loves peoples chests so ofc, he loves lying on it, kissing it, jut staring at it outright

Rook’s favourite feature of John’s physical body is his eyes, most definitely. Much like John himself, Rook is completely captivated by those because they are just so endearing. Other than that, Rook also really enjoys John’s hands and arms because he thinks they’re pretty

8. Nicknames? & if so, how did they originate?

Well they’re petnames are like this:

John calls Rook ‘Babe’ because thats what he calls his romantic partners, and Rook calls John ‘Pretty Boy’ or ‘Pretty’ or ‘Cutie’ or ‘Handsome’ or ‘Baby’ - pretty self explanatory

In terms of actual nicknames, they have none - only pet names

9. Who worries the most?

Depends on what - Rook and John definitely worry about each other when something is wrong pretty strongly, although eventually they get pretty comfortable with something going a bit wrong - like, instead of John rambling and panicking when Rook gets upset about something, he stays calm and helps him. That’s not to say that they don’t worry hugely though. 

In terms of the dynamics of their relationship, Rook is more chill and John worries and fusses more about it

13. Who reaches for the other’s hand first?

John. Only because Rook can’t get there fast enough, and John immediately grabs. If John’s anxious about something, Rook reaches first.

17. Who says I love you first?

Rook. John is nervous about those words and although he knows he feels them, Rook would be the first to say them because he is comfortable with the weight of them and doesn’t feel nervous about his feelings (as said, he worries less about the dynamics of their relationship). Once John becomes comfortable saying it, they both tend to say it to each other at the same rate, if you know what I mean.

20. What do their family/friends think of their relationship?

Rook doesn’t even wanna think about what his (limited number of) friends in Hope County think about that relationship - he knows they wouldn’t get it and for good reason, of course. His friends from New York like John fine, see him as a laugh, and occasionally poke fun at him just for jokes and banter, but they don’t know what role John played in Hope County, so they wouldn’t be defensive. At first, his family love John, although his dad likes to tease him and trap him with words, but he likes him well, because he can tell Rook loves him, and that’s good for him. However, his mum, dad and one of his brothers can tell that something isn’t being said. 

John’s family don’t seem to mind it - they are equally as intrigued by Rook

22. Who cooks more/who is better at cooking?

Rook cooks more because he likes it, which is good, because he’s way better at it, and he’s been giving the Seeds little classes so that they can learn too - John gives it a go, and Rook watches him do it. Rook is way better at cooking - his mum bakes and both his parents have their own recipes for meals that he’s aced

29. One headcanon about this OTP that breaks your heart

John would not have met Rook if he had gone off the waggon and joined his brothers cult, and he knows that. Rook often tells him that he should never say “it was all worth it in the end” or something like that, and John agrees - he should never have done the things he did, even if it did lead him to Rook. 

Also - Rook gets scared about something - John looks slightly like a man who took advantage of him and broke his heart, and Rook has never connected them in his mind. Except, on his worst days, with the lowest self esteem, he thinks about both of them, wondering if they are similar, and it scares him - not because he’s scared of John (he’s never been scared of him), but because he doesn’t want those thoughts and the thought of that horrible person to taint his relationship.

30. One headcanon about this OTP that mends it

John and Rook could have actually crossed each others path, there was plenty of opportunity, even if John had not joined Eden’s Gate.

In terms of Rook being scared, John and Rook talk about their past in either two ways: they either lay in bed, touching each other lovingly, whispering about their difficult memories, maybe crying into each others shoulder or chest, kissing each other, reassuring each other OR they play a drinking game and they let out all their trauma that way - when Rook tells John about that guy, he feels much better, and the way John reacts reminds him nothing of that guy. When he gets scared, he tells John.

Seriously, thank you so much for this 😭💖

[magnetarmadda]

Actually I'm gonna cheat and ask 2 things because HADESTOWN INSPIRED??? YES PLEASE! My sister and I went to see Hadestown when the tour came to our city and 🥰🥰 all the songs have BIG fic energy and im excited to see what you do with them

I am writing a big ol' fic, with each song in the musical getting its own chapter (that's 31 chapters lol). I've gone back and forth a lot on who all the characters are, but I've decided to go with Orpheus!Martin and Eurydice!Jon. I called it a TMA-Hadestown fusion because I'm world building from both stories. For example, here's some details from my outline:

Underworld: Beholding (but still under the ground) and a kind of Fear-domain-based Hell

Jon is hungry for knowledge, for answers about what happened to him

Touched by Annabelle, Goddess of Webs, as a child, never understood why, seeking answers for how he can save himself

Afraid to love/form attachments, afraid someone else'll be hurt

Falls in love with Martin despite himself (All I've Ever Known)

Martin's hope is what's powerful in this fic, and it's his hope and love for Jon that starts the revolution

Nothing Changes and If It's True are a speedrun of s4 for Martin

Wait For Me (Reprise) a speedrun of sorts of s5, where they're walking through Fear domains to escape to the surface

Martin's self-doubt is what causes him to turn around (Doubt Comes In), very MAG 199/200 vibes

Road to Hell (Reprise) setting up a Somewhere Else type deal

The story starts over again, and maybe they'll succeed this time

Hades: Jonah Magnus, God of Knowing, King of the Underworld

Persephone: Barnabas Bennett, God of Immortality, Consort of the Underworld

Lean into "underworld" side of Persephone and her association with immortality

Nestis alignment as well, associated with the element of water, "moistening mortal springs with tears", her sorrow/tears giving water to the mortals on earth and fueling the life cycle

There are other pieces I've not figured out yet, like who the Fates are going to be. I've considered Gertrude, Agnes, Manuela, Jude Perry, Nikola, and even Sasha, and I think I'm just going to have to start writing those parts and see who fits best

I'm also telling it more like a Story™ told by a Narrator™, so the chapters would all start with stuff like: "Dear Readers, Martin was a poor boy, but he has a gift to give. He could make you see how the world could be, in spite of how it is. But Jon was a young boy who'd seen how the world really was. When he falls in love with Martin, he falls in spite of himself."

Here's a snippet from the middle of the fic, which is where I've done the most work so far

Jon has almost never had anyone to depend upon, has almost always been seeking answers on his own, fending for himself in a world that doesn't want him. When he looks at Martin, though, he sees sunlight, he feels warmth, he hears peace, and he knows love.

And so, despite everything he's ever known, Jon reaches out to Martin, hand stretching to hand, letting his new sun infuse him with hope that the world can be better, that life can have meaning beyond fueling his desire to know.

Looking up into Martin's soft face, Jon feels his knees tremble at the kindness etched into the curve of his mouth. "Martin," he whispers as he takes his hand, lacing their fingers together. He takes a deep breath and leans into the touch as Martin slides a hand to cup his cheek. He closes his eyes, and it's like the world around him is singing.

"I've always been alone," Jon finds himself saying, staring up into the gentlest eyes he's ever seen. "I've always had to rely upon myself. I've never felt anyone else truly understood what happened to me, why I need to know why I was marked by the gods and left alive. I've never wanted anything more than answers, than to learn what it all means."

Jon sets his palm against the back of the hand on his cheek and rests the other on Martin's shoulder. "But I think I want to know more than that. With you, I think it might be possible to find a life outside of seeking."

And Martin gives him a smile that could set the world alight. "The moment I saw you, it was like I was coming home," he says, his voice honey-soft and smooth. "I feel like I've always known you were out there, but I just hadn't met you yet."

"Can it always be like this?" Jon asks, not believing in the possibility of his own happiness. Any attempt before has brought him to this moment, alone and afraid.

"No," Martin admits, still smiling, "but we can do our best."

[sagemoderocklee]

if you’re feeling funky fresh i have another POV suggestion or two (or too many i just love these) ;)

from 13s, lee POV during either the initial scene where we first see lee and gaara talking, the scene where they are talking through the poetry book, or the FRUIT SCENE!!!

and another TAOL pov, but chuck us in shinpiko’s head when she’s trying to flirt with lee lmao

i am out of control but i just love the imagining!

lmao im gonna only do ONE because i feel like if i do two in one ask i'll create a monster out of you XD and im choosing to do the last suggestion of Shinpiko thinking she's seduced Lee because that just sounds so fun to write and will be an interesting challenge because talk about potential for big spoilers lmao

anyways, this will be a bit NSFW, mostly allusions and innuendo but still.

And i was RIGHT. this was SO difficult to write because of possible spoilers, but i think we got through it without anything being revealed :p

---

For the sake of her mission, Shinpiko would do anything. Even debase herself by flirting with someone as ugly and stupid as Rock Lee.

Konoha's Beautiful Blue Beast, she thought snidely, snorting derisively as she watched him from her perch. He was utterly oblivious to her presence and that of her companions as he trained, begging the question: how had he become a Jōnin?

Perhaps it was just Konoha's way. Perhaps it was the Rokudaime Hokage's friendship with Rock Lee's mentor. Perhaps it was because peace had made everyone weak.

Down in the training ground, Lee began counting loudly, muttering to himself inane diatribes over his training regimen.

What a fool.

Konoha's team was a band of fools, but Rock Lee was especially idiotic. His comically round eyes were as vacant as an unwritten book and Shinpiko had known the moment she'd seen him that he'd be easy to manipulate, it was simply about finding the right tricks.

Haruno Sakura was just one part of her plan. The rest hinged on winning over Rock Lee's affection, which she surmised would not be difficult giving his low standing and odd looks. What woman would ever give a man incapable of manipulating his own chakra the time of day? What woman would be brave enough to risk siring children with a man so stupid and so unpleasant to look at?

Surely, Rock Lee would be desperate for any woman's attention. Surely, he would drop his guard if a beautiful woman showed him even an ounce of interest.

Her plan held its drawbacks, however. There was no telling what sort of things she'd need to do to win Rock Lee over and depending on how long she'd need to keep up the rouse, she might have to suffer through more than flirtation.

So long as she didn't have to fuck him to get what she wanted. That might be a step too far, even for her.

At least, she mused as she watched his well-muscled body move through a series of stretches. At least the rest of him isn't so bad to look at.

But no, she was getting ahead of herself. He was a fool and his feelings for Sakura coupled with his history with Gaara of the Desert would make him as moldable as putty.

Men were so easy to manipulate.

And a man like Rock Lee would hardly be a challenge.

---

She'd had so little time to weave her spell upon Rock Lee when news of the Godaime Hokage's death arrived.

It was now or never.

Hopefully, the freshness of the tragedy and the grief of the woman he could never have would spurn him on. And if that wasn't enough, Shinpiko would find other ways of making it worth his while.

"Are you all right?" she asked, watching Rock Lee staring with empty eyes after his teammates. She wondered if there were any thoughts in his head or if it was merely an echo chamber, an empty skull where a brain ought to be.

"It is strange," he began, that strange formality of his stilting his words. “All this time, I did not want to believe—I suppose that is silly, but I had thought to trust Naruto-kun.”

Ah, of course. Let someone else think for you.

She did her best not to smile as she came around the table to stand directly in front of him, doing her best to put on the show of a caring comrade and an interested woman.

“It is a hard thing, accepting the cruel nature of the world.”

“The world would be a much kinder place without monsters in it.”

Giddy surprise stole over her, one that she could not hide. She had known that Rock Lee would be an easy target, but to think the Rokudaime Hokage would be foolish enough to send someone as biased as him!

She still had her role to play, she still had to be sure that Rock Lee would do as she needed, but this was a more fortuitous outcome than she could have ever dreamed.

Stepping close, she whispered, “I could not agree more.”

Lee's nod was stiff and uncomfortable, as though he didn't want to be standing so close to her. Yet the way he looked at her mouth revealed the truth of his interest. “I should go.”

“Should you? Right now?” she asked, pitching her voice to mask the relief that he hadn't leaned in for a kiss.

“Sakura-san needs me.”

Shinpiko forced surprise and disappointment into her face, dropping her gaze. “Oh. Of course. I forgot—I mean, you should go to her.”

She watched him walk to the door, the muscles of his thighs well-defined and working as though walking were an incredible effort. Perhaps if she closed her eyes when he fucked her, she could enjoy herself. Or maybe she'd let him take her from behind, let him think he was a powerful man, let him think he was in control...

She could always slit his throat when he'd spent himself. She'd need him dead in the end, anyways.

“Is his death a sure thing now?” Lee asked standing in the doorway, pulling her from her thoughts.

“I can't imagine the other Kage would allow him to live after this. Two Kage—almost three!—murdered a month apart from each other! If your current Hokage weren't such a skilled shinobi—” She stopped, wondering what he'd like to hear; wondering what would spurn him on even faster. “I'd have thought they'd be lenient before, but now... Death is all that awaits him.”

“That is good to know.”

"Although," she said quickly, before he could leave, opportunity striking like epiphany. She sauntered across the room, keeping her gaze lowered and her voice heavy with meaning. “What if he somehow finds a way to escape? What if—what if when he sits his trial he breaks free?”

“Will his chakra not be contained?”

Shinkpiko had quite the contraption to contain the Kazekage's chakra, but why bother using it when she could just have him killed?

“The most effective way to seal chakra is from a room," she lied, sure that Rock Lee would be none the wiser. "Handcuffs can break; seals on the body can be destroyed if one is determined enough. If one holds enough power. The Kazekage is powerful. No one knows that better than those of us he's hurt.”

“Of course.”

Rock Lee didn't sound convinced, or maybe he was simply too stupid to catch on without more of a push towards the conclusion she desperately wanted him to reach.

“The prison is under guard,” Shinpiko told him, careful and considering, leaning ever closer into his space. "It wouldn't be prudent for the guards to leave their post for long. Of course, there may be a period of perhaps—thirty minutes around midnight when they're are allowed a meal break.”

“You should not be telling me this."

She pressed her mouth close to his ear, letting her lips graze his skin and her breath ghost across the shell of his ear all the while watching his face as she whispered innuendo to him. “It'll be our. Little. Secret.”

She shifted closer, pressing her body more fully against his, touching a hand to his chest. “We could have more secrets if you'd like.”

It had the desired reaction, the reaction she'd known would come without a shadow of a doubt. His form-fitted suit highlighted all aspects of his impressive body and it failed to hide his arousal or the lengths of his interest. She smiled to herself, even as he stepped away.

“I should go.”

“Midnight,” she reminded him, but let him leave without another word or a kiss goodbye.

Hopefully, he'd go to the Kazekage first; hopefully, he'd kill him and save Shinpiko all the trouble a full trial would cause. And hopefully, Rock Lee die in the process and she'd never have to follow through on the empty promises she'd made him or be forced to find a way to cover up his murder.

She shuddered at the thought, sneering as she said, "'Beautiful' Blue Beast, indeed."

[thewebcomicsreview]

Homestuck 2 has updated! Christmas is ruined!

Previously, on Homestuck 2: Literally nothing happened, and a non-trivial portion of the patreon supporters gave up and quit. Can this update pull a Christmas miracle and right the sinking ship of Homestuck 2? Probably not, but let’s find out! 

We’re back in Candyland, having completely skipped over Karkat and John talking about Dave’s apparent death, because this comic is only interested in long conversations when they’re boring and not about anything at all. That’s alright, I got the gist of it.

When Karkat is finally gone, John still doesn’t move. It isn’t as though he has nowhere else to go, since there are quite a few places he might attempt to make himself useful, for better or for worse.

So, it appears to be morning now, meaning that John’s son has been missing in a war zone for almost 24 hours and I guess John literally forgot Harry existed?

Prediction: This conversation is going to end in some variant of “Where is our son?” “Oh shit!”

ROXY: hey john can u do me a quick solid

ROXY: actly idk how quick itll be but its definitely solid

ROXY: harry anderson says i just missed u being here but could u skip back on over?

What.

So, I went back and checked, and apparently nowhere is it explicitly said that Harry Anderson was also looking for the Vriskas, so I guess he....stayed home? Which makes sense, I suppose, but maybe a “Stay here I’ll go look for them” would’ve helped. I wasn’t the only one who thought Harry was out looking for Vriska too. 

ROXY: sup

ROXY: follow me

ROXY: well were just going to my room so i guess technically u know the way

JOHN: haha ok.

John follows, trying to shake the ominous feeling he got from what she’d just said. He’d been in and out of this house a lot in the past few days. Why should this be any different?

Is Roxy....horny? Is the solid she’s looking for John’s dick? I mean, that’d make her saying Harry wasn’t available kind of weird, but I think this framing is a fake-out.

...

What the fuck is that lamp, Jesus Christ it’s awful. Just a cat’s asshole, facing the door.

ROXY: r u kiddin me rn egbert

JOHN: i’m not? unless you were, in which case yeah lets say i was also kidding.

JOHN: oh my god, i’m sorry, i don’t know why this making me freak out.

ROXY: i remember our past boot knockin with fondness but that is a situation im not interested in revisiting

Oh hey, it was a fakeout. Good job, Homestuck 2. You successfully implied something just through the art. Art which, by the way, looks a lot better than the last chapter. There are backgrounds and everything. I wonder if Chapter 15 was rushed out due to Hiveswap and that’s why it was so weak?

He’s almost embarrassed by how relieved he feels. So what if his ex wife wanted to hook up? Shouldn’t that be a situation he could navigate? Don’t people like to find solace in human physical connection during dire times? Why did the idea of it make his mind white out in panic more than, say, any number of the traumas he just experienced?

I’m not the biggest fan of the way the narration is going JOHN IS AFRAID OF SEX WITH ROXY LIKE HE’S A TEENAGE VIRGIN AGAIN (LIKE IN HS1!) AND IT DOESN’T REALLY MAKE SENSE PLEASE REMEMBER THIS IT’LL BE IMPORTANT LATER, but okay, noted.

ROXY: u said ur house is gone??

JOHN: yep.

JOHN: completely.

ROXY: jeez

Heh. I like Roxy, still. 

JOHN: so i just sat there, watching, trying to figure out why watching my house burn down felt like i was being released from prison.

If this comic actually uses the phrase “home” and “stuck” in the same sentence I’m turning this blog around and we’ll go right back to Winnipeg.

ROXY: aight then no wind bending just use your mangrit

Roxy flexes, the corner of her mouth pulled up into a familiar grin. John feels his guts, so recently calmed, twist up into knots again. Her eyebrows shoot up and the smile loosens. He must have shown something on his face.

ROXY: ok or just like push when i push

ROXY: we both got sick muscles

ROXY: no other adjectives necessary

I feel unqualified to talk about how hard Roxy is pushing the June Egbert thing.

....Is that the fucking portal from Hiveswap under a tarp? Also hi Candy Callie, appearing in HS2 for the first time. One of the Calliope’s is nonbinary, I think, but I honestly can’t remember and I think it’s Meat Calliope? 

JOHN: do i get to know what that big thing under the sheet is?

ROXY: hmmmmmm no

JOHN: oh ok.

JOHN: are you sure? i mean, it seems like a pretty prominent feature of the room.

JOHN: space.

JOHN: wherever we are.

ROXY: and a totally mysterious n COMPLETELY inconspicuous feature it will have to remain for now

ROXY: we r kinda in a hurry here fyi

ROXY: and by that i mean

ROXY: we are in precisely the amount of hurry that means im excused from having to a that specific q rn

JOHN: right, sorry.

JOHN: i will pay no attention to the object behind the curtain.

ROXY: u catch on fast egbert

Oh thing HS2 has not been great at is that it has a lot of plot mysteries that are supposed to keep us enticed but they don’t really get implanted into the audience’s head (Remember Vrissy mysteriously collapsing that one time? Probably not, she did it off screen and the boys kind of laughed it off). This one’s hard to miss.

JOHN: so... this is all downstairs?

JOHN: it seems like you had a lot of work done.

ROXY: well no not x actly

ROXY: were in the old meteor

It’s kind of weird how this meteor keeps popping up like this. 

CALLIOPE: besides, hUman divorces are even more fascinating than i had ever imagined, and being able to witness yoUrs in motion was an honoUr.

This is an unexpected but not unwelcome direction for Callie to have gone.

CALLIOPE: ah right, right. yoU're probably a little cUrioUs as to where the dickens we are.

CALLIOPE: how much do yoU know aboUt black holes?

Oh, wow, we’re going right there, then. This does seem like a bit of a reaction to complaints HS2 wasn’t shmoovin’ enough, but maybe I’m reading too much into it.

CALLIOPE: no, i mean, what if oUr whole WORLD was inside a black hole.

JOHN: ok.

A’ight, that got a laugh out of me

JOHN: ugh, i fucking KNEW it!

JOHN: i'm so sorry.

JOHN: i'm so sorry that i put the earth inside a black hole everyone. ):

I like this conversation a lot. 

ROXY: iirc at least part of y u got so weepy was the fact that u couldnt believe a version of earth existed where ppl got 2 watch more mcconaughey films than you

JOHN: listen.

JOHN: i simply don't think you all appreciated the gift you were given.

Quite a bit, in fact.

ROXY: ur not gonna enter a weird time vortex and change the trajectory of a little girls life with the power of love

JOHN: aw.

Roxy and John have a good dynamic. 

CALLIOPE: bUt Upon her departUre, the rift closed for good. as far as i can see, there's simply no way for Us to commUnicate with the world oUtside the black hole.

CALLIOPE: i woUld certainly be very sUrprised to find oUt that anyone had managed sUch a thing!

JOHN: ...right.

John’s phone has very good coverage, since he was able to talk to Terezi in the epilogues, as we’re being subtly reminded of here with that ... before the “right”. I wonder if it still works after alt-Calliope left.

CALLIOPE: oUr exclUsion from the overarching coUrse of events which governs all reality means that oUr existence here is liable to dramatic and violent Upheaval.

CALLIOPE: to pUt it another way, becaUse nothing in here "matters", we are likely to be sUbjected to things which are a bit bats in the belfry, for no reason other than it's totally insignificant to the wider canon of reality.

CALLIOPE: and mUch thoUgh i am personally titillated by some of the conseqUences of this predicament, it is a degrading way for Us to live. u_u

Okay, so we are now being explicitly told that living in the black hole is fucking with the characters and is part of the reason they make such baffling decisions, like Rose not telling Kanaya about Yiffy, or naming her daughter “Yiffy” in the first place.

CALLIOPE: we need yoU to free vriska from the clUtches of oUr misgUided friend jane, and bring her here, to the singUlarity.

ROXY: weve been calling it the plot point

CALLIOPE: yes, the plot point is a key part of oUr plan

CALLIOPE: as far as we have been able to sUrmise, the only remaining method for escaping oUr grim confinement depends on leveraging the UniqUe properties of this location to create an event of sUch catalcysmic proportions that it simply cannot be contained within the black hole any more.

CALLIOPE: something SO dramatic, so hyper-relevant, that it becomes ontologically impossible for anyone to ignore it.

CALLIOPE: for that, we need an individUal of sUfficient narrative cloUt, so to speak.

CALLIOPE: and to liberate her, who better than the embodiment of the aspect of freedom itself?

So, the plan is literally for Vriska to be such a Huge 8itch that the black hole itself gets sick of her and yeets Earth C out of its own event horizon to freedom.

This is actually a great plan. 

And that’s Hamsteak. This definitely feels like a bit of a reaction to complaints about HS2, but hey, I dig it, I guess? Definite improvement over the last chapter.

[neocityarchive]

blind love | l.m.k.

— in which mark lee is so much more than just your best friend but you were too blind to realize it.

word count: 7.2k | warnings: light swearing | blind love - lola young |

a/n: i didnt mean for it to be this long but i hope you enjoy!!!

“Just friends,” Mark said, his voice still steady even in the growing tension of the moment. “That’s all you said we are, right?”

Your head dropped down to look at your hands, not knowing what to say. The overbearing guilt of rejecting his sudden confession was crushing your chest that it became painful to breathe.

“I’m sorry, Mark,” was all you could say. You forced yourself to meet his gaze through your already glassy eyes, wanting to let him know the sincerity of your words.

He smiled kindly, shaking his head. There was sadness in his eyes. And in all the years you two have known each other, you could tell how hard he was trying to hide it. “It’s okay. That’s all we’ll be.”

You bumped your head repeatedly against your study table in an attempt to rid yourself of the memory that’s constantly been playing in your head. 

It was a Sunday which meant there were no classes, which meant the university was closed, which meant that you couldn’t even make an excuse to see your best friend Mark who somehow, after almost three years of friendship, suddenly decided that it was a good idea to tell you he loves you more than a friend should love a friend.

You couldn’t say it happened out of nowhere. He’s been saying he has something important to tell you for almost two weeks before the incident but every time you confront him about it, he always makes up some lame excuse to dodge. It took a lot of self-hate for yourself and a nice amount of his protective instinct to finally make him spit it out. 

He came to your apartment that night, finding you barefaced, wearing a pair of sweats and one of his hoodies that you stole some time ago. From that he already knew you weren’t okay. You like wearing his stuff to seek some sort of comfort. Somehow, the smell of his clothes helps calm you down.

You were supposed to help him finish a report but you couldn’t concentrate after getting a below satisfactory grade on a major exam. College has done nothing but give you a shitload of insecurities lately and this just pushed you off the edge. The only thing that has been keeping you sane was the knowledge that you had someone who you can run to at the end of the day. Someone who is willing to listen to your rants and would do almost anything to cheer you up.

That day, however, none of Mark’s usual encouragement worked on you. He was getting frustrated hearing you downplay yourself because of a single exam. You started going on about how stupid you felt, how staying up all night to study did nothing but make you ugly. Mark countered every insult you threw at yourself, throwing in a few jokes here and there, all of which you ignored. But when you went on about how all of this made you unworthy of anything, how no one could possibly love you in this state, he just couldn’t take it anymore.

“I love you,” he snapped, cutting you off from your long self-deprecating speech. 

“You’re my best friend. You’re supposed to say that,” you whined, clearly missing the point.

Mark, on the other hand, was barely holding it all inside. He ran his hands through his hair and sighed. “No, idiot. I love you. Stop saying no one could love you, because I do. And not just because you’re my best friend.”

It wasn’t until you noticed his hands were quivering that you realized what he really meant. Looking back on it, you couldn’t help but hate yourself. You were sure it took a lot of his courage (and frustration) to come clean to you like that, and you couldn’t even take him seriously at first.

“Mark, no,” you remember telling him.

“I do. I hate that I do, but I do.” He looked away. “I love you and I know you’re feeling burdened right now, but you don’t have to say it back.”

A part of you broke that day. You hated rejecting people after having gone through several rejections yourself. It’s the worst feeling. You always wished there was a way you could always return people’s feelings just so no one would get hurt, but the universe just doesn’t work that way.

You muttered about a hundred sorries to which Mark replied a hundred ‘it’s okay’s. Maybe it was meant to make you feel better, but it just felt like your heart was getting ripped off your chest.

Mark didn’t stay long after that. You didn’t even get to help him with his report. He said sorry for suddenly dropping the L-word and you said sorry for not being able to say it back. He smiled sadly and it took your everything not to cry. He asked if he could hug you and you didn’t even answer. You just went straight into his arms, burying your head in his chest like you’ve done so many times before, breathing heavily to keep yourself from breaking down. And when the two of you pulled away, he insisted on being alone for a while. You said okay followed by another sorry.

You didn’t know “being alone for a while” meant ignoring you for god knows how long. You see him at uni but he wouldn’t even meet your eye. Even when you share the same class, he would choose to sit as far from you as possible. Once, he entered a cafe you were in and upon seeing you inside, he immediately turned around and walked away.

He’s ignoring you and he isn’t even being subtle about it. Mark Lee could never be subtle about anything, not even his feelings. You really were just too blind to realize anything.

Even other people saw how he felt. People used to come up to you all the time and ask about your “boyfriend” Mark. Sure, you would blush, shy that people thought you’re in a relationship with your best friend. When you explain that you weren’t actually dating, you would get the same shocked reaction every time. One of your friends even said you acted more like a couple than most people in a relationship do. You always thought it was just because you and Mark were such good friends.

“Friends don’t hold hands in public,” you remember Renjun saying.

“We don’t hold hands. He just grabs me and drags me to places,” you said defensively.

“And they don’t hug each other and stare at each other’s eyes while talking about pizza,” Jaemin scoffed.

You just rolled your eyes at them. It never crossed your mind that maybe they were right. You and Mark have never acted like how friends should. Maybe it’s the reason why you’re in this mess after all.

You sighed to yourself. You miss him. You can’t even pretend that you don’t. He’s become such a huge part of your everyday life that you couldn’t just ignore the sudden empty space he left when he said he wanted to be alone. You know he needed time to be by himself. But a part of you keeps holding on to his promise that even after his confession, you two would still be friends. And friends text each other, right? So all your attempts at communication depended on just that.

Thursday, 5:31 PM

You: wanna go watch a movie? i’ll buy the tickets.

Mark: cant. i have an exam tomorrow. sorry :/ maybe next time?

You: oh. okay. goodluck on your exam :)

Friday, 2:21 AM

You: [photo] this is possibly the cutest cat photo i’ve seen in awhile

Mark: that’s cute but dogs are still cuter

You: … okay?

Mark: go to sleep, y/n

Friday, 12:03 PM

You: i know you dont have class rn. have lunch w me?

Mark: oh i already ate with jaemin. sorry!!

You: it’s okayyyy :>> i’ll see u later? it’s friday night sooo we can hang out.

Mark: idk the boys already asked me to go out tonight

You: oh okay have fun!

Saturday, 6:54 PM

You: maaaark

Mark: y/nnn

You: [types] i miss you kajdhfhdksjdh [deletes]

You: nothing haha wanna grab some coffee?

Saturday, 7:01 PM

You: nvm haha have a nice nighhhttt

Sunday, 10:21 PM

You: hey can we talk

Mark: ???

You: please?

Mark: ye what about?

You: you said we’d still be friends

Mark: lol aren’t we?

You: this isn’t how friends talk to each other. i miss having an actual conversation with you.

You: we dont even see each other anymore.

Mark: i literally reply more to u than i do to jaem wdym haha

You: wow fine okay

Mark: ?????

You: i guess i deserve that haha

Mark: im tired y/n. night.

You: :( nighttt

You checked your messages for the nth time, reading everything as if something was gonna miraculously change with the cold conversation thread. Your fingers have been hovering over the keypad, typing and deleting ‘i miss you’ and ‘talk to me’ for about a hundred times already.

You don’t get why you can’t just say it. What’s so wrong with telling your best friend you miss him? Why is it so hard to press send? Why are you suddenly so afraid of how he would reply or if he would even reply at all?

It was only 10:30 in the evening. You know for sure Mark is only lying about going to sleep. He never sleeps this early unless he really is tired. He does nothing on Sundays so he can’t possibly be tired. Sundays are usually just the two of you hanging out in his apartment or yours, just to watch movies or study together. So what did he do today?

“Stop thinking about him,” you grumbled to yourself. “It’s just Mark. He’s a big boy, he can handle himself.”

But that’s not the point, a voice inside your head said. Just tell him you miss him.

You typed it again, ‘I miss you,’ but deleted it as soon as it was finished. Again. 

You’ve spent everyday with Mark that it suddenly hurts to think he’s enjoying the time you usually spend together alone. It’s crazy how you can’t stop thinking about how his day went or if he’s okay or whether he’s eaten or not. You know how stubborn he can be. Sometimes, he’d get so engulfed in whatever he’s doing that he would accidentally skip meals unless you remind him otherwise. 

“Fuck this,” you muttered to yourself. You figured you won’t ever be left at peace if you don’t do anything about whatever you’re feeling, so you decided to text Jaemin.

Sunday, 10:52 PM

You: jaeeem hi :)

Jaemin: y/n!!!!! hello :>

You: sorry for bothering you but have you talked to mark lately?

Jaemin: im talking to him rn haha why? you want me to ask him something?

You: not really hahaha how is he?

Jaemin: haha why not ask him yourself

You: he doesnt wanna talk to me lol pls just answer

Jaemin: he’s stubborn as always. he wont listen to me.

You: why, what’s he doing?

Jaemin: idk but it’s definitely not talking to you ksjdjkd

You: … very funny

Jaemin: sorry lmaooo he’s running on an hour or two of sleep everyday

You: jaemin!! why won’t you scold him?

Jaemin: we do! he just doesn’t listen. u know he only listens to you.

Jaemin: idk why you guys still arent together lmao bunch of idiots tbh

You: we’re just friends

Jaemin: rlly? oh btw mark hyung is looking for his save the bees shirt. did u see it anywhere?

You: yeah he left it here like two weeks ago when he slept over

Jaemin: LMAOOO DOESNT SOUND LIKE FRIENDS TO ME CHIEF

You: i fckingskjfhfn hate you

Jaemin: HJSJSHHDJD ok but seriously tho mark hyung is fine. just give him time, he’ll come around.

Jaemin: he misses you but u didnt hear it from me

Jaemin: ok bye he’s getting suspicious now lol

You: idk how you’re both an angel and the devil at the same time

You: anw thanks jaem. dont tell him i asked about him lol byeee

You sighed, putting your phone down in surrender. Your mind was more of a mess now than it was before you talked to Jaemin. You hate that he makes sense especially about the weird, more-than-friendly dynamics of your relationship with Mark. But more importantly, your head was beginning to be overfilled with worry.

Mark runs on barely two hours of sleep everyday. No wonder he always looks so out of it whenever you see him in the hallway. You wanted to call him, to tell him that he should sleep already, to remind him that he shouldn’t overwork himself, that doing just enough is okay. But you know he doesn’t want to talk to you. The cold replies and the ‘????’ were more than enough to tell you that.

Still, you figured it was worth a try sending him a little reminder. So you grabbed your phone once again and typed a message, revealing a little more of your emotions than you intended to. And before you could even think twice about it, you hit send.

Sunday, 11:04 PM

You: hey i know you’re still not asleep. dont worry, you dont have to reply to me. i just wanna tell you that you should take care of yourself. i know you. you’re stubborn and sometimes you won’t sleep or eat unless someone reminds you to so,, this is me reminding you haha. stop overworking yourself mark, please? you cant be sick cause i cant take care of you since you wont talk to me… lol jk. but seriously, get more rest (and talk to me,, hahah jk again unless u wanna ;)) please go to sleep now. goodnight. see you around i guess.

You stopped texting Mark after that. You wondered if he would find the initiative to talk to you first if you didn’t start the conversation. Now, two days have passed and your sleep reminder remains to be the last message on your conversation thread. You couldn’t say it didn’t hurt. You were hoping for at least a small thanks but didn’t get anything at all.

You were starting to get more and more frustrated as the days went by. It’s so unfair that you are slowly losing your best friend because of this. It’s unfair that you can’t even be mad at him because you just broke his heart. You wished there was any way you could have changed what happened, but the past remains to be written.

That afternoon, you passed by one of the cafes you and Mark always go to. You went inside, suddenly craving their special banana muffin which he introduced to you some months ago. The owner recognized you right away as you came up to the cashier.

“You’re not with your boyfriend today?” she asked.

You felt your heart skip a beat and not in a good way. It hurt. You figured there was no use in explaining since she probably won’t believe that Mark is not your boyfriend so you just smiled sadly and answered, “No.”

The lady somehow talked you into buying two muffins so you can bring one to your “boyfriend.” After handing her your payment, you realized maybe that wasn’t such a bad idea. Mark always brings you stuff whenever you’re mad or upset. He knows exactly what you’re craving for even before you knew you were craving for it. Why not try if it works on him?

As soon as you headed out the cafe, you whipped your phone out to text Jaemin, asking if he knew where Mark was. It’s Tuesday, his most free day of the week so he could be anywhere. Jaemin replied not after five minutes.

Jaemin: not sure but he mentioned something about the library??

You: okay thank you!

From that, you knew exactly where Mark is. There was a small patio-like spot beside the library that he likes going to. Not a lot of people utilize the place since the tables and chairs are almost always filled with dried fallen leaves from the surrounding trees but Mark likes the thought of being close to nature.

That day though, there were more people around the area than usual. It was lunchtime so most people were out of the classrooms. Still, it wasn’t hard spotting Mark. It has never been much of a challenge finding him in a crowd of people. You saw him as soon as he came into view, sitting by the table on the corner under one of the ginkgo trees. He had his laptop open and a box of food beside it. His eyebrows furrowed in concentration one moment and then he was laughing the next. 

You were about to make your way towards him but immediately stopped in your tracks when you realized he wasn’t alone.

You didn’t know who the girl was. You’ve seen her a lot of times in class and in the hallway. You even have a vague memory of Mark talking to her one time. But you never really bothered to learn her name. She had that soft, innocent look that goes so well with her shy smile. She had her hair tucked in her ears to show just enough of her pretty face. She was beautiful. Unconventionally but undeniably. But none of that mattered.

When she said something with a smirk and Mark let out his trademark laugh, nose scrunching, hand repeatedly hitting the table, shoulders shaking and all, it felt like something punched you in the stomach. He uttered something in reply and now both of them are clutching their sides for laughing too hard. 

He looks happy, you thought, I should be, too.

But you aren’t. You continued watching their exchange, him showing her something on his laptop and both of them laughing once again. Your chest felt heavy, like something was sitting on it and now it hurts to breathe. You didn’t realize you’ve been clutching the plastic bag containing the muffin too hard until you felt the sting of nails digging on your palms. You knew you should look away but you couldn’t. You wanted to run towards him. You wanted to tell the girl to scooch over so you can sit beside Mark and give him his muffin.

This is pathetic. I should be happy for him, you said to yourself. But why am I not?

You wanted to be angry, to scream and say that it should be you he’s laughing like that with. To say that it’s you he should be spending his time with. You wanted to ask if he still feels the way he said he does about you. And if he does, then why this? But you remained glued to the ground.

You hated how you were being selfish. You rejected him, remember? So why do you expect him to follow your tails like an intoxicated mad dog? Why can’t you be happy at the possibility that he found someone that feels the same way he does? Why does it… hurt? It’s not supposed to. If you really are friends, then him being happy with someone after your rejection should make you happy as well. If you really are friends, then you shouldn’t be standing here looking stupid, watching them from afar, wishing he’s with you instead.

“What are you looking at?”

You jumped at the sudden disruption, almost dropping your muffins. “What the hell, Jaemin?!” you whined, finally looking away from Mark.

“Mark hyung and Mina?” he snorted.

So that’s her name. “No,” you lied, forcing yourself to take a step away, then another, then another.

“Are you jealous?” Jaemin teased. “Have you finally realized you’re also whipped for our hyung?”

“No,” you grumbled.

“Then why are you almost crying?” 

You blinked. You didn’t even realize the tears pooling in your eyes. Why are you being like this? “Shut up. I’m not.”

Jaemin only shrugged. “Fine. Torture yourself, then.” He smirked. “By the way, Jeno and I are inviting people to our place this Friday after exams. Just some drinks and maybe karaoke, I don’t know. We all deserve a break from hell. Wanna come?”

You didn’t reply. Your mind was too preoccupied with other things.

“Mark hyung is coming,” he said. “Maybe Mina too.”

“I don’t wanna go,” you said immediately, suddenly coming up with a decision.

The boy laughed. “You are jealous! God, I love it when you prove yourself wrong. You shouldn’t be though. You already know he likes you.”

“I’m not jealous! Stop it,” you whined, really wanting to cry this time. Everything is so frustrating and Jaemin is not being of any help. You wanted to go home and just wrap yourself in your blanket and maybe one of Mark’s hoodies.

“Then come to our place this Friday. It’s gonna be fun.” He grinned.

“Fine. Whatever. Just get away from me, you little shit,” you said, kicking him lightly in the butt.

You didn’t know if it was a lie or not but if Mark really is seeing someone now, you just didn’t like the idea of seeing them flirt with each other in front of your eyes. Even the thought of it makes you want to pull all your hair out. Is that considered jealousy? If so, why are you feeling it for someone who’s supposed to be just a friend?

Thursday came and you found yourself crying after realizing the shirt you’ve been wearing the whole day was Mark’s. No wonder he looked surprised seeing you in the hallway. He looked away immediately though, acting as if you weren’t there. It didn’t even cross your mind since you use this shirt quite a lot.

After calming yourself down, you put your playlist on shuffle and cried some more after Friends by Ed Sheeran started playing. You didn’t even realize how fitting the song was for your situation until now. Mark probably did.

You remembered him singing that song once. The two of you were just lounging in his apartment. He was playing his guitar while you pretended to study when in reality you were just looking at him. You watched as his fingers plucked and strummed the guitar strings while he softly mumbled lyrics, head bobbing to the tune. He’s good. Unsurprisingly, since he’s good at everything.

When he realized you were staring at him, he turned his head slightly to meet your eyes, one side of his lips curling up into a smirk. “No, my friends won’t love me like you do,” he sang. 

You looked away, your cheeks heating up almost immediately. It was hard to focus on your readings when he’s sitting right in front of you looking like that, singing like that. You sighed. He truly was never being subtle about how he felt.

After finishing the song, Mark put his guitar down and laid his head on your lap, not even bothering to ask if it’s okay. That’s how comfortable you were with each other.

“What are you doing?” You remember whining.

“Wake me up after 15 minutes,” he said, already closing his eyes. You took a photo of him that night. He’s cute when he’s asleep. Even cuter when you look at him up close. 

Of course, you just had to search your camera roll to find the photo. When you did, it felt as if a storm was raging on your stomach and a gorilla was pounding on your chest. It never dawned to you just how much it hurts that he suddenly left you alone until that moment.

“Goddamn, I miss you so much,” you muttered, looking at his peaceful expression in the photo.

And then you cried some more. You feel lost.

All you wanted to do was curl up in his arms and inhale his scent and listen to how his day went (and maybe accidentally fall asleep together). It sucks because you really had no one else to turn to. The single person who has always been your safe place doesn’t want to talk to you and even if he did, you really wouldn’t know what to say. Perhaps friends really aren’t like that. The thought of everyone being right when they said that maybe you and Mark were never really just friends has never been stronger than it was tonight.

Still, you couldn’t be bothered to sort your feelings out.

He feels like home, you thought. It was the best way to explain the sense of comfort and safety and the feeling of being more than enough that he provides you. It’s the only thing you can think of when your mind drifts to how he is always the constant person that you run to at the end of the day. But friends can feel like home, too, right?

Not to this extent. Not really.

Friday. You found yourself aimlessly roaming around the neighborhood after your classes in the hopes of distracting yourself from your feelings or whatever the hell they’re supposed to be called. You wouldn’t have remembered Jaemin’s party if you didn’t happen to pass by their apartment building.

You stood in front of it for two solid minutes, contemplating whether to go or not.

Mark might be there, you thought. With everything that’s going on in your head and with all the mess happening in your chest, would it really be a good idea to see him? You thought maybe all these things you’re feeling are just a result of missing him. All these sadness and confusion might just be because you miss your best friend.

So you entered the building. You told yourself that you’ll try talking to him again this time, no matter how stubborn he’s going to be. And if it still doesn’t change anything, then you will take it as a sign to let him go. If not forever, then at least for now.

You reached the door to Jaemin and Jeno’s apartment. Even from the outside, the sound of the bass can already be heard. You wondered how long before the neighbors would file a complaint against them, but knowing Jaemin and Jeno, their neighbors are probably inside, partying with them right now.

Before entering, you looked down on your chest just to make sure you were wearing your own shirt and not Mark’s. It didn’t feel right wearing his stuff anymore. God, it really felt like you just broke up. Why is it like this?

You took a deep breath and opened the door. There were already a lot of people inside even if it was just 8 in the evening. Most of them, you know the faces of. You smiled to greet some and muttered a hi to others.

Renjun spotted you as soon as you came into the living room. “Y/N!” He grinned, handing you a cup of god knows what. “Jaemin said he invited you but we were all pretty sure you were gonna ghost us. But you didn’t!”

You laughed hesitantly. “Thanks, I guess?”

“Drink up. It’s a cocktail I made myself,” he said proudly, almost forcing the cup into your mouth.

You took a sip, figuring it won’t do any harm but you spat the liquid back to the cup as soon as it touched your tongue. “What the hell did you put in this?”

He shrugged. “Honestly, I don’t know. I just mixed in everything I could find. Thanks for trying it out though. I’ve been looking for a volunteer for five minutes already.”

You frowned. There were a lot of things you were unsure of at the moment but there is one thing that’s certain: you have weird friends. You were about to complain to Renjun when he plucked the cup from your grip and went on to find another victim, not even bothering to listen when you said you literally spat on the cup.

Mark didn’t seem to be anywhere. The apartment wasn’t that big so if he was here, it would be easy to spot him. Maybe he decided not to show up after knowing you were coming. And honestly, part of you was relieved. As much as you wanted to talk to him, you still didn’t know what to say. 

I’m sorry I broke your heart, but I miss you so much and I did a lot of thinking and maybe we really shouldn’t be labeled as just friends but I don’t know if I love you, is that okay? That’s just stupid. This whole thing is stupid.

You wanted to leave. Parties have never really been your thing. You usually just go because Mark asked you to since he loves interacting with people. But you figured you needed some alcohol in your system, mainly as a distraction, but also to give you a boost of courage just in case. So you made your way to the kitchen, avoiding eye contact with anyone as much as possible.

You stopped in your tracks as you came to the kitchen. The sound of that laugh was all too familiar.

Great, you thought. Mark was there. And Mina was too. But so were Jeno and Jaemin who exchanged looks as soon as their eyes landed on you. They were all laughing about something before you came.

“You’re here!” Jaemin said a little too enthusiastically in a poor attempt to address the sudden increase of tension in the room.

“Hi,” you said, smiling sheepishly, purposefully avoiding Mark’s gaze which you could feel boring into you. “Just gonna get a drink.”

“Help yourself,” Jeno said. Jaemin smirked beside him. 

The refrigerator was just beside Mark. Just great, you thought again. You walked towards it, desperately trying to ignore the four pairs of eyes following your every move.

“Excuse me,” you muttered, still not looking at your best friend.

Mark took a step sideways before opening the fridge for you. You muttered a quick thanks before grabbing the first bottle your hands landed on, not even bothering to check what it was. You really just wanted to get out of there. Maybe the talking to Mark plan was flawed from the beginning because you clearly can’t find the courage in you to face him now.

Beside you, Mark clicked his tongue. He was so close that you could smell his perfume mixed with a bit of alcohol. It made your knees weak. 

He took the bottle from your hand and put it back before grabbing a different one and handing it to you. “The other one had vodka. Vodkas give you a headache, remember?” he said in a slightly annoyed tone.

“Oh.” Your voice sounded small even to your own ears. Not gonna lie, you wanted to cry at that moment. “Thanks.”

You could hear Jaemin snickering behind you but you couldn’t bring it in yourself to care. You turned to everyone and said a quick goodbye before dashing out of the kitchen.

Your heart was beating hard and rapidly and not because you moved too fast. You didn’t know why but it hurt seeing Mark like that, like he was okay, like nothing changed with the two of you. It hurt knowing that even after everything, he still knows you the best.

You wanted to run. You wanted to disappear. But you couldn’t leave without passing by the kitchen. Somehow, you know someone in there would stop you. If not Mark, then definitely Jaemin. But you really wanted to be alone. So you resorted to the next best thing. You whipped your phone out and sent Jaemin a text.

You: thanks for inviting me to this party. now i feel like shit :D

Jaemin: IM SORRY BUT DONT LEAVE YET TF

You:  i need to be alone and i cant leave without passing by the kitchen and seeing mark. so pls let me use your room for a while.

You: i wont do anything i promise. i just need to calm down.

Jaemin: fine but dont lock the door

You: okay thanks

The door to Jaemin’s room was at the other end of the apartment. You made your way through the noisy crowd, slipping from Renjun’s weird gimmicks when he tried to make you a victim once again, before finally reaching the quiet confines of Jaemin’s room.

The thin walls barely blocked the noise but at least there was no one else here. You sat at the edge of the bed and placed the beer bottle on the floor. You forgot you didn’t even manage to open it. So you just stared at your feet, trying to catch your breath even if you didn’t do anything. That heavy feeling on your chest was back again. It was now associated with being in Mark’s presence.

You started counting to ten to calm yourself down before burying your face on your palms, breaking down into sobs as soon as your forehead came in contact with your fingers. “God, why can’t I just…” you cried, “... admit it to myself already?”

You wanted to thrash around in the bed in frustration but you thought Jaemin didn’t deserve such a mess so you settled with getting up and lightly banging your head against the door. It’s a bad habit you do when you feel annoyed or frustrated. Mark has always been reminding you to stop before you hurt yourself.

Mark. Again. You groaned, hitting your head a little harder this time.

Someone knocked on the door making you stop. You took a step back, thinking you just imagined it. But there it was again.

“Someone’s here,” you said, trying to hide the sound of your voice breaking.

“I know. Can I come in?” It was Mark. There was no question. 

Your heart started pounding on your chest once again. You wanted to tell him to go away but you couldn’t find it in yourself to do so. 

He took your silence as a yes. He swung the door slightly and poked his head through the small opening. Your hands immediately flew to your face to hide the fact that you’ve been crying.

“You know, I came in here because I didn’t wanna see you when I pass by the kitchen if I leave then you come here making me look like a clown,” you said, your voice muffled by your hands.

Mark chuckled softly. “Why didn’t you wanna see me?”

You didn’t reply. Your face felt hot, not just because of the tears that just won’t stop falling but also because all the blood has come rushing to your cheeks.

Mark grabbed both your wrists and gently lowered your hands down, trying to see your face, but your head bent down as soon as it wasn’t covered. “Y/N, look at me,” he said, hands still on your wrists.

“No.”

“Are you crying?” The idiot crouched down to have a glimpse of your face making you whine and cover your face again. “Last I checked, I should be the one looking brokenhearted around here.”

“God I hate you,” you mumbled. “You ignored me for nearly four weeks and you come in here just to make fun of me.”

He let out an empty laugh. “Well, you did break my heart so…”

At that, you removed your hands from your face to look at him. You were going to say sorry but Mark had that smug look on his face that made you want to punch him. It was almost convincing if you weren’t so good at reading the real emotions in his eyes. His expression softened upon finally seeing you properly.

He looked away, not being able to hold your gaze either. That just confirmed how hard he was trying to keep up with the exterior he was showing everyone.

“I’m sorry,” you said, voice breaking.

He sighed.  “I told you. It’s okay.”

“But it’s not,” you cried. “I’m sorry I hurt you. I didn’t realize how easy it was to misread what we had because let’s face it, we don’t act like ‘just friends.’ I’m sorry because I was too blind to see how you felt even when you weren’t really trying to hide it. I’m sorry because even though I rejected you, I was so selfish that I still wanted to keep you for myself without realizing that you probably needed to be away from me to move on. I’m sorry because…” you swallowed.

Mark was just looking at you, eyebrows slightly raised in anticipation of what you were going to say next. You missed him. You missed that cute face of his. You missed being in his presence. You missed his voice and his laugh and how he loves teasing you even if he probably feels like shit inside. You missed everything. Four weeks have been too long without each other. Four weeks is too long without your best friend. Four weeks is too long without your home. And that’s when you realized…

“... I can’t let you go. And I might be too late, but I’m sorry that I only just realized why.”

“Why?” he asked. 

It was a simple question. Why? Yet it managed to carve out every single feeling you’ve ever felt for this boy. Every little moment he made you laugh. Every small heartbreak you get when he fails to keep his tiny promises. Every single night you ‘accidentally’ fell asleep next to each other. Every ounce of fulfillment you get when you finally convince him to sleep after a long day. Every goodnight. Every good morning. Everything.

“I love you,” you said. It sounded almost like an exhale.

For a moment, Mark didn’t reply. Your head immediately started swarming with unwelcomed thoughts. Maybe you were too late. You almost forgot about Mina who he seems to be having an excellent time with. Maybe he managed to move on within those four weeks. It’s possible, right? You had your chance and you missed it. 

Finally, Mark let out a laugh, his head falling down to look at the floor. “I told you you didn’t have to say it back,” he said, voice soft.

You shook your head. “I’m not saying it because you said it first,” you said. “I realize this might be the worst timing but I just thought you should know you weren’t the only one being stupid enough to fall for their best friend. I was just too dumb to realize that that’s what it was.”

“Why would it be the worst timing?” He frowned.

You felt like crying again. You really wish you had some alcohol in your system right now. Why is this whole confession thing taking so long? “‘Cause you’re dating Mina? Or trying to. I don’t know. I tried not keeping tabs on you because our friends are assholes who wouldn’t stop teasing me. She’s pretty, by the way. You two look good together.”

Mark laughed again. It was raw and real this time, and god, the way your chest tightened in endearment at the sound was so pure. “You thought me and Mina are dating?”

“Aren’t you? I’ve seen you guys together a lot.” Well, once. But you tend to overestimate things.

“No!” He snorted. “Jaemin and I are trying to get her and Jeno together. If anything, she made me realize that we definitely aren’t just friends.”

“Really?” Now you just feel stupid. But what else is new? It’s all you’ve been feeling lately. Come to think of it, Mark and Mina didn’t even come close to how you two act with each other.

“Really,” he said. “Friends don’t stay at each other’s place and cuddle with each other just to fall asleep, Y/N. Besides, I said I love you, didn’t I? Did you really think that’s just gonna go away that quickly?”

“Mark, I can’t even sort my feelings out. How am I supposed to figure out how yours work?” You sighed.

“Fine. Just to be clear, I still love you. Even if you don’t, I love you,” he said, taking both your hands and placing it on his shoulder before putting his on your waist.

“But I do.”

“Say it then.”

“I love you. Even if you’re the dorkiest person I know, I love you.” Your fingers tangled themselves in his hair. You’ve run your hands through his hair so many times before. You wondered why it never crossed your mind that you liked doing it not because his hair is soft but because you were sucker for the domestic feeling of it.

Mark couldn’t stop himself from smiling that he had to bury his face at the crook of your neck. “I’m not used to this, sorry.”

“Me neither,” you laughed.

When he finally composed himself, he pulled away just enough to look at you. All those times you’ve stood this close before does not even compare to how it’s like right now. This is the perfect mix of feeling new but familiar.

“You have no idea how many mornings I fought the urge to kiss you whenever we wake up next to each other,” he said in a soft voice.

“Well, nothing’s stopping you know, is there?” you muttered, eyes fluttering to his lips.

You pulled Mark down by the neck as he pulled you closer to him, your lips finally connecting. The idea of kissing him isn’t new to you. There were so many times before that you’ve found yourself inches away from his face and slamming your lips together wouldn’t have been such a bad idea. But this is the first you actually kissed him yet he felt so familiar that you were almost sure you’ve done this a million times before. His lips were soft against yours that it made you weak in the knees. If he weren’t holding onto you like he was, you probably would’ve crumpled already.

The two of you pulled away, breathless.

“Wow,” he breathed. “That didn’t even come close to how I imagined it would feel like.”

You laughed. “This whole night didn’t come close to how I imagined it would be like. I thought you were gonna keep on ignoring me. And honestly, I wouldn’t know how to cope anymore because I really, really miss you already. So thanks for saving me.”

“Stop making me blush. I don’t know how I can possibly love you more than this.”

You rolled your eyes but you couldn’t stop yourself from smiling. This was only one of the very few times that the reality went better than your expectations. But then again, maybe you and Mark have always been meant to happen. It was happening even before you realized it was. And now that you finally managed to sort how you both felt, there was no more wasting chances.

“Do I still have to ask you to be my girlfriend?” he asked.

“We’ve literally slept in the same bed so many times. I’d be more surprised if we’re not dating already,” you joked.

Mark grinned. “You’re literally the only one who didn’t realize that until today, but it’s okay, I still love you.”

You laughed. “Wanna go outside and pretend we didn’t make up? I’m 100% sure Jaemin betted on us.”

“I worry how your mind works sometimes, Y/N,” Mark said with a frown before kissing you on the forehead. “But let’s do it.”

You smiled. You’ve said it a lot but you really missed this proximity. You missed being able to hug him whenever you want, and now you can kiss him whenever you want too. You wanted to say you could get used to this, but the thing is… you already are.

[iscarusholmes]

17 Questions, 17 People

i was tagged by the king of chaos @but-theres-wolves and can only aspire to writing something as fun to read as their post, but imma give it a shot anyways so buckle up bastards 

Nicknames:  my name was always two syllables so i never really had any need for one growing up, but most recently i, like many others, decided that gender was so not for me and decided to go by Percy.  My manager calls me ‘Perseus’ for fun (?), and i’ve always thought it was funny to have a nickname longer than my actual name so lowkey i hope it sticks lmao

Zodiac:  Libra, although i only know that so people would stop asking me when my birthday was so they could figure it out for me lol

Height:  5′6 ish

Hogwarts House:  (listen. listen listen. fuck jkr) Slytherin

Last Thing I Googled:  i was logging into google docs to write down some ideas for a story me and my friend are writing about our oc’s lol

Followers:  listen i’m not sure but i wanna say 7

Song stuck in my head:  Repeat After Me by KONGOS 

How much sleep: not enough lol

Lucky number:  i always say 7 but i wouldn’t consider it a lucky number by any means.

Dream job: *puts my hands on your face and pulls you close* i do not dream of labour.  i have no idea actually.  it would be nice to have something that doesn’t drain me and pays well and also gives me time to have a life outside of work. that is all

Wearing: sweatpants & a sweater i stole from a very high and mighty man who thought smoking from an apple was the most original idea in the world and had it coming.  plus it was hella comfy and it was a beautiful green color and had tiger on it from winnie the pooh. 

Favourite Song:  i have too many so im just gonna say rn i’ve been listenin to Black Dog by SAMURAI, Beggin by Maneskin, & the one i mentioned earlier, Repeat After Me by KONGOS

Favourite Instrument:  currently ?  the hurdy gurdy. obsessed

Aesthetic:  darker grunge-esque? sometimes it’s fancy and sometimes it’s hobo, depends on if im going to work or not lol

Favourite Author:  once upon a time i would’ve said Shakespeare cos his dirty jokes are *chefs kiss* but now idk.  been a while since i read anything 

Favourite Animal noise:  when my lil kitty mrrps the tiniest bit and then the bells on her collar jingle as she paps forwards towards me . that one is my fav forever and ever.  she’s never very vocal but we’ve both slowly been working to come out of our shells and now she’s learning to express herself more and when i come home from work she always is excited to greet me and ahh <3

Something random:  these questions are always my least fav (: i used to work at a doggy day care and they introduced a new dog to my yard that could jump Very High and had very long claws and she jumped up on me and tore off 99% of a mole i have on my side and when i finally got out of the yard i’d bled through my shirt in several places and ! when i quit, my boss required me to give back the uniform shirts. even the bloodstained one. lmfao 

tagging not very many ppl cos idk how many have done this before but w/e !!

@mildstiles @badmoon--rising @all-or-nothing-baby @giffex-art

EDIT: I WAS ALSO TAGGED BY THE WONDERFUL @teencopandthesourwolf AND JUST NOW SAW IT THANK U LOVELY DEAREST skdjlskdfj honoured.

[regrettablewritings]

Modern!Jaskier x Reader Ship Meme

Prompts taken from this ship meme

Which one texts like a straight white boy?: Of course it would have to be our resident white boy. It isn’t even that he necessarily means to, there’s just an embarrassing amount of overlap between the messages a straight white boy tends to text, and those of your rising star boyfriend. You’d look more into it if it weren’t for the fact that you know there’s no actual malice in it, and because it’s just so sad that it’s funny. If one were to go into the photos saved on your phone, they would’ve surely come upon an entire album of screenshots you’d taken over the years, from when Jaskier would be on tour without you to when he’d just be resting at home while you were out at work. Things like: “Wat r u up to 2nit, cutie? ;)” “I’m probably just gonna play whatever’s on my Watch Later backlog on youtube until I conk out.” “Wild!!! anyway wat would u do if i was there rn~?” Or “Do u miss me? :(” “Of course I do ya dingus!” “Ok....Can we do a quickie over videochat?” “Jas i’m at the store.” “The point still stands.” Or “Watcha thinkin bout? ;)” “About how The Great Gatsby becoming public domain means there’s nothing stopping anyone from making a drag show interpretation called The Gay Dragsby.” “Aaww w/o me? ;)” “...” “WAIT NO I THOUGT YOU’D SAY YOU WERE THINKING ABOUT ME SHIT NO.” “BUT ACTUALLY DO GO ON IM KINDA INTERESTD.” If it were anybody else, you would’ve blocked them. But this wasn’t anybody else. It was your Jaskier: Your foolhardy, constantly horny, but never-short-of-loving Jaskier. And besides, not for nothing, at least they were something you could get a laugh out of.

Which one cried during a fucking Disney movie?: Once again, Jaskier is the guilty party. It’s no secret that he’s the more emotional of the two of you -- he wore his investment in Titanic with pride, after all. But it is a secret that the particular Disney movie to make him cry was Hercules of all things! Not Bambi, not The Lion King, not even Beauty and the Beast, but goddamn Hercules! (On another note, he also cried to Coco. But that barely counts: Literally everyone and their mother has cried during Coco. The only difference here was that Jaskier could relate to being a young man so in love with music while coming from a family that discouraged the pursuit of it.) This isn’t a knock on anyone who enjoys the movie, mind you, but let’s be honest: Out of the Disney animated canon, Hercules isn’t exactly the most . . . emotionally cathartic or heart-string-plucking of the bunch. But just because it didn’t go out of its way to create a crying frenzy doesn’t mean that it’s lacking in some humanity. It is, after all, still a Disney film. The problem is, Jaskier can’t even quite express why it made him cry the night you both decided to watch it. Maybe it had something to do with a young man most people took as a joke trying to achieve greatness? And to be fair, “Go the Distance (Reprise)” and “A Star is Born” differently when you’ve done some growing . . .

Who put a goddamned fork in the microwave?: It only happened once, but you’d never let him live it down. You like to joke that you’d left him to his own devices for just fifteen minutes so that you could take a shower -- of which was completely true -- and that was all he needed for things to go downhill. Nobody wants to think they’d be in the wrong for trusting a 20-something year-old to not be his usually somewhat distractable self. But that particular day, said 20-something year-old decided to occupy that little spot of time to himself with TV and a plate of leftovers. And normally this would’ve been fine and dandy. But normally, Jaskier would’ve just waited for the food to heat before searching for something to watch. It shouldn’t have been too big of an issue that it went the other way around that day, but apparently it was. As much as he wanted to (which honestly wasn’t by much), Jaskier just couldn’t tear his eyes away from the images flashing on the TV. The baby blues were set on the screen the entire while -- up until he heard a faint popping. Followed by a sound he normally only heard in a cheesy sci-fi movie. The problem was, he wasn’t watching anything even remotely science-fiction-y . . . All you were doing when you exited the bathroom was going to grab your lotion. That was literally all you had any expectations for. What you hadn’t expected to come upon was your boyfriend, hollering and diving over the sofa in order to scramble into the kitchen and stop that strange, not-good-sounding sound. Suffice to say, you had to put your shower on hold; it simply had to wait for you to finish fussing, then again for you to finish laughing your ass off. And again because if you entered the shower still laughing, you’d probably slip and break your head open and then Jaskier would have to deal with another possible emergency caused by himself.

Who does the silly hands-over-the-eyes “Guess who?” thing?: You can both be guilty of it, but Jaskier without a doubt does it more. Sometimes he’ll emerge from “his cave” (aka the little nook in the apartment where he likes to mess around and write lyrics or arrangements) on a break and catch an unsuspecting you sitting on the couch or at the dinner table. Other times, it could just be when he comes back from running some errands or doing a quick interview at the local radio station. You don’t mind it much . . . Especially since you can get a rise out of him by purposefully guessing the wrong person. (“Hmmm . . . Could it be . . . my mail-order husband? Boy, that was quick. And all the way from Russia, too . . .” “Uh, no.” “The milkman, finally accepting my invitation to commence a torrid love affair?” “Okay, you know damn well -- ” “Or better yet: My hopes and dreams have manifested, oh, Waluigi, could it really and truly be you!?” “What in the absolute fuck --”)

Who puts their cold hands/feet on their partner?: Because it’s usually himself who presents as being the more mischievous of the two, and because he tends to run the warmest, it always shocks Jaskier when you decide to play dirty and put your cold limbs all over him. Is it childish? Yes. But are his reactions to the sudden feeling of icy flesh hilarious? Also yes. You love to creep up on him when he’s tuning his guitar or scribbling down lyrics, or just minding his own damn business by trying to actually turn in relatively early for once. You love even more to watch him jolt and release the most high-pitched yip a man of his build could ever even joke about making. You’ll still be laughing about it as he scowls at you, cursing your “ghoul hands” and demanding to know if he’s dating a corpse at this point. Of course, no matter how peeved he might be, you can always count on one other thing from his dramatic reactions: Him huffily grabbing your hands into his own and rubbing them warm, or him forcing a park of fuzzy socks on your feet. And just for extra measure, you can be sure that he’ll spend the rest of the night holding you close or cuddling you -- “For exchanging bodily heat purposes,” he will always reason.

Who had that embarrassing reality TV marathon?: You both are guilty of it, actually. The question should really be, who is the least shameful about it. As with most things regarding a lack of shame, it was, of course, our dear Jaskier. Being a musician with a growing following, the little attention whore just can’t miss out on an opportunity to show himself off to his awaiting public. A rising star with relatability and a taste for trash? People eat that shit up! So you’ve learned to be less surprised every time he decides to liveblog himself watching things like Love Island or any of the 90-Day Fiancee spin-offs. In fact, in more recent times, you’ve come to join in with him, adding your own corresponding Tweets and commentary. Though don’t be too shocked once he starts holding polls and letting the public decide what show the two of you should watch next.

Who laughs more during sex?: You do, completely through Jaskier’s own efforts. Jaskier’s always had a pretty lax view of sex. This didn’t change when he met you, of course, but how he specifically portrayed that laxness did undergo some metamorphosis. Before, the entertainer was much more intent on his bedroom experiences being a display of power and an ability to please. Something dramatic and to be taken seriously. He still sees the importance of satisfaction in the bedroom, mind you, but with you, he can’t help but feel more . . . comfortable. With you, it’s a little more okay if he accidentally makes a dumb noise that in no way can be salvaged as sexy. With you, it’s a little more okay if he struggles to get his or your pants off, or if he struggles with removing your bra. And with you, he’s come to find that he’s a lot more okay with sharing a giggle or being a little more loose about things. It’s fine if your fingers tickle him or if he struggles to think of something proper dirty. But it’s even more fine if you think something he says or does makes you laugh, but not in a way that discredits his efforts. When you laugh, it shows that you’re comfortable with him. Comfortable enough to be with him, and be truly vulnerable. So do forgive him if he can’t help but run his fingers up your sides in a tickling fashion, or sloppily string together an innuendo. He simply loves how golden your laughter sounds, even in the throes of passion, intermingled with sweet whimpers and pleas of his name. How the heave of your chest and rippling of your tummy bumpily sync in with the rhythm of his thrusts . . . He just wants to see your smile, your genuine mirth, and bask in it with you. Besides, it serves as excellent song inspiration for him . . .

Who is the little spoon?: It depends on the sway of the day, really. As a whole, you both take turns without much thought simply because you tend to just fall into your positions. Some days, you just happen to lay into him in a way that makes you the little spoon. Other days, he conks out next to you in a manner that most could consider would make you the big spoon (or jet pack). Neither side really fights how it plays out unless one or the other may feel small and vulnerable, or just plain tired and in need of comfort. You often find yourself playing the role of the more dominating position during those first few days after Jaskier returning home from either a quick tour, or after finishing a long week of hours upon hours in the studio, or whatever kind of press-related nonsense his management team told him he needed to do. For as much as your boyfriend loved the spotlight, the truth was he was still quite capable of burning out and needing time to himself. Or, at the very least, just time with you. Even if that means he’s asleep for most of it, with you clinging to his back as he drifts off into a much-needed sleep. He makes sure to return it tenfold when you need just the same. Sure, your occupation may not be of the same nature as his own, but that didn’t mean you were in any less need of his cuddling. In fact, with him being gone as often as he was, Jaskier couldn’t help but feel almost guilty for not always being able to provide you with the basic comforts of being a constantly present boyfriend. Hence why the moment he would see your fatigued body crossing the threshold of your apartment, he would be all over you, ushering you into a quick shower, followed by a quick and simple dinner or snack, and capped off with him cuddling about you from behind. It didn’t matter if you’d come home right in the middle of a writing frenzy, or even if he’d been in the middle of searching for a breakthrough with an arrangement -- for as vain and bullheaded as Jaskier could be, he knew he owed you at least this much. You already put up with so much of his nonsense; this was quite literally the least he could do, both for you and for himself. Besides, he who was he to fight against the feeling of you wiggling closer into his hold, to deny himself the sound of your soft breathing as you lay yourself vulnerable to him? The fact of the matter is that he simply isn’t. He couldn’t be. Maybe in the beginning when things were still so unsteady and uncertain, but never now, when things had become so . . . well, what he could only describe as being “the both of you”. The both of you, molded and entwined, never wanting to let go. Never planning on it, either.