#i need him to experience more trauma symptoms Right Now

[newty]

not to psyche myself out but i can see the end of this chapter and i should be finished by this weekend

[strawbeerossi]

If You Leave Me

Pairing: Fem!reader x Spencer Reid

Description: After coming home, Spencer has nightmares of his wife leaving him after the weight of prison weighs on him after his release.

Content Warnings: Depression, mentions of problems with eating, nightmares, fear of abandonment, mention of parental abandonment, spoilers for the prison arc, mentions of blood and being beaten, anxiety, there’s a panic attack, general angst, light fluff towards the end

Word Count: 1.4K

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'The Show' is so amazing, so I might make more based on each song on the album.

“Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future.” John F Kennedy.

Spencer had faced change for his whole life. Between his father leaving him with no explanation when he was a child to his mother’s schizophrenia spiralling, he was the poster child for adapting to the plethora of things that life can throw at you and making the best of things.

Child abandonment coupled with a mother whose illness was worsening, there was a lot of pressure on him at a young age. Spencer wanted to take care of his mother, make sure she was safe and sound. He enjoyed lying with her and reading, spending his time with the woman who he cared for. He struggled with making many friends.

Not a lot of high schoolers want to be friends with a twelve-year-old child prodigy. He was the target of relentless bullying, his safest place being home where he could read in the comfort of his own bedroom.

Most children who had any form of trauma as a child turned out to be psychopaths, incapable of empathy and most who exhibited those symptoms were serial killers, he was quite the opposite. Spencer would say that he turned out alright. 

Three PHDs, being a supervisory special agent for the Behavioral Analysis Unit, as well as being a literal genius. He had a team of people who loved him dearly, a good amount of godchildren who he adored, as well as a beautiful wife who did so much for him.

When Spencer was imprisoned, his experience killed a piece of him. The once sweet, innocent Dr. Spencer Reid was now a man who was more prone to showing his complex emotions, his temperament changing. He wasn’t nearly as talkative, he was having a harder time processing things that used to take him mere seconds to understand. It was why they had placed him on a weird schedule; every one hundred days spent in the field would have thirty days off following behind. He thought it was the stupidest decision they made.

Despite all of his protests, nobody would hear him out. It brought on the thoughts of him being untrustworthy. After all, he did kill Nadie Ramos. He may have been under the influence of drugs but that didn’t excuse a damn thing. He killed her with his bare hands. 

That haunted him. The fact that he could be capable of madness, capable of murder. It didn’t help that soon after, he was producing a tampered batch of drugs that he was being forced to push within those four cement walls.

Everyone told him that it wasn’t his fault, that some people were pushed to dark acts in order to ensure their survival. After all, a federal agent in the general population sector was a huge target, someone who would have a lot of enemies. Too many enemies.

After his release, there came a plethora of emotions. Y/N was a saint, patient as could be and more loving than he ever could’ve hoped for. Even when he was dissociating into his mind to shield him from all too familiar territory, she was right there. It had gotten to a point where he severely depended on her, the attachment so strong that he would follow her around the house as if he were a kitten who needed constant attention. 

Dinner was hard, the man having to be reminded that he could take his time to eat and he had no risk of someone coming and taking it whether he allowed them to or not. There were nights where he wouldn’t take a packet of cookies from his wife, stressing over having to ‘pay her back’. It took a lot to break him out of that routine.

Don’t get him started on the nightmares. They were vivid, placing him back to the night when he was beaten in prison or to the day where Luis Delgado had his throat slit in front of him because of his own choices. It was like he could still feel the warmth of the crimson blood staining his hands in the failed attempt to stop the bleeding. 

In addition to nightmares that were filled with blood and violence, there was another recurring nightmare. One that killed him more than any sort of guilt of association ever could. It started out the same way every time, he would come in the house after a long winded case. There would be a lot of stress on his shoulders, a tightening in his chest because of the fact the case didn’t end the way the team had anticipated. He would then walk into the kitchen, where Y/N would be waiting for him. There was no sweet greeting, no kiss against his lips while she hugged him and cried about missing him. 

Instead there was a tense silence, the usually warm apartment freezing. She would turn to him, her eyes filled with exhaustion, no glimmer of love shining over them as they faced one another.

“I can’t do this anymore. You aren’t who you used to be, this time by myself has made me realize that I am much happier without you here. I don’t have to coddle you, treat you like a baby. I just can’t bring myself to love you anymore.” 

Spencer was waking up in a cold sweat, his body jolting upwards on the mattress while his other hand was quickly, yet cautiously reaching beside him to feel his wife’s shoulder. The touch had Y/N stirring awake, a gentle frown on her face. “Spencer?” Her voice was filled with drowsiness, her hands slowly pushing her to sit up on her knees while her free hand was leaning over to turn on the bedside lamp. 

Any form of annoyance from drowsiness was wiped away when she noticed her husband’s state. His face was drenched in sweat, his chest was heaving from the impending anxiety attack, he was unable to talk as his body trembled. “Shh, hey.” Y/N whispered as she was shuffling closer, pulling back the duvet so she could carefully pull her husband into her arms. 

Her fingers were threading through the messy curls, a weak sigh leaving her lips as she could feel his arms tightly wrap around her torso, practically squeezing the life out of her.

“I’m here. It’s okay, baby, I promise. Luis dream again?” She asked softly, her lips pressing a kiss to the crown of his skull.

“You left.” His voice was hoarse, the tears joining in soaking his face the same way that the sweat had done over the course of the night. “Baby..” Y/N whispered while her fingers were lightly scratching over his scalp, her cheek resting against his head as she was being hugged tightly, as if she would disappear if Spencer let her go. “I’m not going anywhere. You know that.” Her words were dipped in that sweet assurance, her eyes slowly fluttering shut. 

Spencer faced enough people who abandoned him in his life with little to no explanation, she could never be added to that list. He spent three long and gruelling months in a maximum security prison for a murder that he was pushed into doing under the influence of a drug that Cat Adams and Lindsey Vaughn got their hands on. 

This wasn’t like he was a man who snapped and murdered an innocent woman because of deterioration of his sanity. He was absolutely nothing like the men and women he hunted down for his job, she tried to push that every time that she could. “You’re a good man, you know that. I would be a fool to leave you.” She said softly. 

As her body was eventually laying down against the mattress, she couldn’t help but smile once Spencer quickly followed her movements. Her legs were spreading in order to invite him between them, the male laying on top of her as his head was against her chest. “There we go..” She cooed softly, her fingers continuing to comb through the tousled curls. 

With his cheek now smashed against his wife’s chest, he listened to the steady rhythm of her heartbeat. 

The drumbeat mixed his wife’s sweet words of assurance and the warmth of her love radiating against him was enough to have Spencer starting to drift off to sleep. 

How did he manage to get so lucky to have a woman who wouldn’t give up on him?

[thecoffinsys]

Slay the Princess is the perfect demonstration of trauma, dissociation, and systemhood.

I NEED MORE PEOPLE TO TALK ABOUT THIS. And it's NOT just for the reasons you may think. Yes, it is due to the multitude of voices, but that isn't all there is to systemhood. Slay the Princess dives into almost every fundamental stage of grief, trauma, stress, and body sensations regarding traumatic events that we as a collective have ever experienced. Stay with me.

SYSTEMHOOD

Not only does Slay the Princess display systemhood through the multitude of voices, inability to come to a conclusion on outerbody decisions, and having different methods of how to survive specific situations— it also displays systemhood through loss of time, depersonalization, loss of identity and sense of self, alters having abilities over the body that others do not, looping the same trauma over and over again, and rapidly splitting due to traumatic experiences — even down to not being believed by family members when you tell them something horrible happened to you.

The entire idea of jumping from one alternative world to the next after dying or making the incorrect choice perfectly displays a repetition of the same traumatic memory over and over again, the mind trying to logistically think of what could have been done differently as a means of coping with what really happened. When you fail to save the world in one reality, your mind restarts the entire scenario again, trying to find a better option to the mistake you've already made.

The Stranger rout perfect displays depersonalization, dissociation, loss of self and identity, and confusion regarding time. The second you step down a staircase, you completely and utterly forget yourself in the mundane action. Forgetting who you are, where you are, what your purpose truly is - and sinking deep within your own mind, until suddenly you're right where you are meant to be and have no memory of how you got there. It's so perfect in how it shows the confusion and distress.

This game is about becoming. whole. Gaining. A sense. Of self. And purpose. Gaining more perspectives, more understandings of what it means to be a person. (Oh my god I'm screaming)

In The Nightmare, the voice of the Paranoid displays perfectly symptoms of not only paranoia regarding trauma, but symptoms of OCD due to trauma. He has an ability that no other alter has, which is to keep their organs running by participating in his own compulsion. Which really displays how some alters have abilities that other do not, because to be a system, you must be fragmented. Several shards of glass attempting, to the best of their ability, to be a functional mirror- but never having the exact strength. And different shards will hold different capabilities than those who are smaller, weaker, and carry smaller and/or more specific burdens. Paranoid is a very big shard, I think.

Following that — mirrors are a huge motif of the game. Not only do you continuously see them in every rout, but you end each rout by finally looking at yourself and seeing you for you. And the more perspectives you gain, the less "you" you truly feel. You become tired, withered. But it is all in the efforts to "become whole". To make this being of perception finally understand what it means to be more than just broken worlds creating branching understandings.

In A Moment of Clarity, dozens of voices begin to cloud our understanding due to the very traumatic thing we experienced in the last world. A rapid split because of trauma! We become more broken; "losing ourselves". Now there are even more conflicting thoughts, feelings, and opinions regarding how we should go about surviving- and it displays our further descent from our sense of self. Which is ironic given the name of the ending!

And finally (but most definitely not finally, I could keep going on and on but no one would want to read all of that), The Narrator never believing you when you tell him you've been here before, have experienced horrors that he could never imagine, and have been through countless nightmares. But not only does he not believe you, he will also ridicule your idea, and go on to say "you failed because you didn't listen to me" or "you damned another world because of what you did". Puts the blame on us, once again. It's the same thing a lot of systems do experience in the real world. You try to reach out, you try to explain to someone you trust that something horrible happened to you, but you're met with disbelief and shamed for your own trauma. Made to feel like the guilty one when you are in fact the victim- the survivor. That one stood out to me very personally.

. . .

I really want to go on but this is already a billion paragraphs and I worry no one will even get this far. But this game means a lot to us as a system and as someone who experiences things very similar to what is displayed in the game on a daily basis. Slay the Princess might be one of our all time favorite games as of right now, especially considering the guy who traumatized us for 200 episodes straight is the main guy voicing the entire thing- that also helps with sentiment-

Uhhhh thank you for reading if you made it this far :]

[spnjediavenger]

It Won't Last Forever (Chapter 2)

Title: It Won’t Last Forever (Chapter 2)

Type: multi-chapter; father!Hotch x teen!daughter!reader, some bau x teen!reader (platonic!)

Warnings: canon-typical Criminal Minds sadness and/or violence

POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNINGS: panic attack description, flashbacks, alludes to PTSD

Spoilers: S5 SPOILERS

Notes: This chapter is much shorter than the last since the scene has been set but hopefully it’s still good!

The panic attack and PTSD description is a mix of my own experience and some I read online - this is not how ALL panic attacks and PTSD are experienced.

As always, love and/or constructive/friendly criticism is welcome and encouraged!

Word count: 1258

“Trauma fractures comprehension as a pebble shatters a windshield. The wound at the site of impact spreads across the field of vision, obscuring reality and challenging belief.” Jane Leavy

“Ok, babygirl, you know the drill - tell me five things you can see,” Morgan coaxed gently to the girl in front of him. Hotch was needed out of town and Morgan elected to stay behind and watch over Y/n. While she was open to help, she didn’t want to see a therapist. Hotch was against this but was temporarily more lenient since she had his team to help her with her PTSD symptoms. If things got worse, then she would see someone.

“Y- I see you, the-the door, the picture of mom,” Y/n ended the last word in a sad cry.

“Come on, sweetheart, you’re doin’ good. Two more things you can see, stay with me now.”

Y/n sniffled and took a couple breaths. “My bedspread, the floor.”

“Alright, good job. Now four things you can feel.”

The girl ran her hand over her bed. “My knitted blanket…the body pillow behind me…my cheeks are wet,” she sniffled again. “And your hands.”

Morgan gave hers a squeeze. “Good. Three things you can hear.”

“Your voice…cars outside…the air conditioner.”

“Two you can smell.”

“The candle…and I can still smell the detergent on my clothes.”

“Taste?”

She let out a sad, quiet chuckle. “The salt from my tears.”

Morgan let go of one of her hands to wipe said tears from her cheeks.

“That was perfect, sweetheart. How do you feel?”

“Better,” she admitted. This wasn’t the first time one of the team walked her through a panic attack exercise and probably wouldn’t be the last. She could do them by herself at times but it was always better when she had someone with her. Each member of the team had their own methods to help her too. Morgan and JJ typically went with the five things method; Spencer would try and help her regain her breathing while he talked to her, his voice calming to her and helping her to focus on something other than her symptoms; Emily would try and ground her by getting her to pay attention to her surroundings and everything she could feel; Penelope hadn’t been needed too much but when it did happen she, like Reid, would just talk to the girl and try to stay calm herself; Rossi would guide her breathing, squeezing her hands for her to breath in and out; and her dad would hold her and do whatever else she needed. He would usually let her tell him what would help her most in each situation because many of them were different; it was these times when he was most grateful for his team and all the calming methods they taught his daughter.

Right now, it had been Morgan’s turn again.

Morgan smiled and tapped her chin. “That’s my girl.” She offered a half smile. “Do you want to talk about it?” he asked.

The girl frowned again and looked down at her hands, still being held by one of Morgan’s. Y/n squeezed his hand a bit and took a deep breath.

“I just came across one of dad’s guns. And suddenly it was in my hands and I was back there again. I’m so tired of this, De,” she whined softly, looking into his eyes.

Morgan sighed and tucked some stray hair behind one of her ears. “I know, babygirl. I know. And I’m sorry you have to go through this. But it’s all part of trauma, unfortunately. But your dad and your aunts and uncles are all here for you to help you through it. I know it’s hard now but just remember that it won’t last forever.”

Y/n couldn’t help but smile at that.

“What?”

“That’s what Spencer says.”

“And he’s right. But then again, when is pretty boy ever wrong?” Morgan added, rolling his eyes a bit but smiling when that got a genuine laugh out of Y/n. “Ohhh there’s that beautiful laugh we all love so much.”

The girl looked at him and wrapped her arms around him. “I love you, Uncle De.”

He hugged her in turn, holding a hand to her head. “I love you too, babygirl. We’ll all be here for you through it all, ok?”

“Ok.”

Morgan: Y/n/n is asleep. Had a rough day so maybe let her stay asleep when you get back. Your little man is waiting for you though

Hotch frowned and sighed before replying.

Hotch: OK. Fill me in when I get in please

Morgan: Will do

As much as Hotch wanted to see his little girl, he knew he should let her sleep. So when he walked into his home, he happily but quietly greeted Jack when he ran over to him.

“Jack! Hey, buddy!” he whisper-yelled.

“Daddy, I missed you!” his son whisper-yelled back. “Uncle D said Y/n is sleeping and to be quiet,” he informed his father.

Hotch smiled at his son’s thoughtfulness to his big sister. “That’s nice of you, buddy. Did you have a good time with your Uncle D?”

“Yeah! We played a lot and he helped Y/n when she was sad.”

Hotch gave a sad smile that Morgan shared. “That’s good. Alright, it’s pretty late, bud. Why don’t you get into bed and I’ll tuck you in when I put my stuff down?”

“Ok!”

To his word, Hotch put his son to bed when he put his things away. He then went back out to the living room. He sat in one of the chairs to face Morgan on the couch.

“So what happened?” Hotch asked him.

Morgan sighed, resting his elbows on his knees and clasping his hands together. “She got triggered when she saw one of your guns while looking for something. I helped calm her down but she got pretty tired after that.”

Hotch sighed again and ran a hand down his face. “I-”

He was cut off when a scream sounded from down the hall.

“I’ll keep Jack in his room, you go to her,” Morgan said as both men got to their feet.

“Daddy?” Jack’s voice came.

“Hey, it’s ok, little man,” Morgan said as he went into the boy’s room. “Your sister is just having a bad dream. Come with me, ok?”

As Jack followed him, Hotch went to Y/n’s room to find her writhing in her bed and crying, eyes still closed. He knelt on her bed and gently grabbed her shoulders, making her let out one more scream and open her eyes, shooting up in bed.

“Daddy?” she said, panting.

“It’s alright, honey, it was just a dream. You’re home with me,” Hotch soothed, running a hand over her messy hair.

Y/n let out a breath and ran her hands over her face as she caught her breath.

Hotch sighed as well and didn’t wait to address the elephant in the room. “It’s getting worse, Y/n. I know you don’t want to do therapy but we can’t avoid it anymore. You’re still a minor, I technically don’t need your consent to send you to therapy but I would feel a lot better if I had it.”

Y/n searched her father’s eyes before looking away and nodding. The man let out a relieved sigh and pulled her in for a hug.

“Can one of you always be with me though?” she asked with a small voice.

“Of course, sweetheart.”

The girl nodded into his shoulder and continued hugging him, relishing in his warmth and comfort. She hated the idea of having to let a stranger into her personal life but she knew this wouldn’t go away without help.

Kiera Cass said: “Accepting help is its own kind of strength.”

[maxisanangrywell]

Simon has scars, Simon has trauma-- Okay so imagine this.

Trauma often causes your body to break down not just mentally, but physically. Often, in the most extreme cases of trauma, your brain gets rewired to think/act/and distribute electro signals a certain way. Childhood trauma has been studied so intensively, that doctors have determined it can also suppress vital bodily functions, like digestion or even your immune system, possibly causing autoimmune disorders.

Me, I'm 21, with a couple of different disabilities from my trauma, so I'm drawing from experience.

What if, and hear me out, Simon starts, gradually over the next couple of years, getting some weird joint pains. Just, like it feels achey, and not quite right. Like he was down with a cold. It comes and goes, and he's not entirely sure when it started. He's always sort of had joint pains, I mean, look at his job? It's not only incredibly intense, and taxing physically AND emotionally, but he constantly is over working his joints. So, he thinks nothing of it.

Except, over the next few months it doesn't go away like he thinks. Oh well, right? He goes to the med bay, they check his symptoms, they check everything, and just simply find nothing. They have no reason to do blood work, or x-rays. He's not injured, and it doesn't sound like he's pulled anything or snapped any tendon. They tell him if it persists, to come back in. They give him Ibuprofen, Acetaminophen, and a N-SAID to trade off between the three, and help with any swelling or discomfort. All Simon's symptom points to, is the over work of the joints. I mean, hell, he's been in the SAS for years now, with about a decade or two of more service on top of that. He's considered old by the SAS, almost at the stage where they'd pull him off the field if he even sprains an ankle. So, he doesn't think anything of it, and refuses to go to med bay.

Without failure, the symptoms just sort of pile up gradually over the next four years. The joint pain is accompanied by stiffness and swelling. The joints, primarily in all his finger joints, wrists, and knees hurt, are red, and hot to the touch. His left hip is starting to get painful enough that he has to stretch and stay in his room for the first hour-and a half when he wakes. Otherwise, he'd be seen hobbling down the hall and that isn't good. He'd surely be sent to med bay.

So, Simon deals with it. Until one night, he's on a mission, and his joint stiffness catches up to him. Johnny has to help move him when they get under fire, and his hands and fingers hurt so bad he can't properly grab the gun and fire it. It takes him a few minutes, but he eventually returns fire. Johnny having seen the struggle, reports it to Price, who almost immediately sends him to med bay to get almost every fucking test done under the book.

"Obviously it's not just joint pain and stiffness of age anymore, Simon. I need you to be 100% out on the field. If not for you, then for Johnny. For the team."

Simon thinks it was pretty shitty of Price to use Johnny and the team against him, but it does the trick. He gets there, and spills almost everything to the doctor he saw last time. The doctor is shocked and appalled Simon never told him anything, and Simon tells him the medicine worked at first, as did the braces that he recommended for the joint support, but it just kept getting worse.

They do X-Rays, and blood work, and they find out Simon has a fairly common autoimmune disorder. Although, it's not the kind he wants to hear because it will result in a medical discharge.

"Rheumatoid Arthritis? You're bloody joking. My hand isn't all fucked up and weird looking doc. I can move my hand just fine."

"You can right now, but if you don't get the proper treatment, along with a transfusion for your knee... it will progress. Probably to the point you're bed bound."

The doctor calls in the team on behalf of Simon's request, and well, they try to find a way around it. At least, Gaz and Soap do. But before they exhaust all their options, Price offers to talk to the higher ups to see what the stance would be on moving Simon from an operator, to more of a coordinator like Kate. Where he would be able to do missions every one in a while, but not over exert himself to the point a flare-up is triggered and he is left in a dangerous position once again. The higher-ups agree, not wanting to lose the infamous Ghost.

So, there we go. :) That's my little tid-bit, take it as you want. And like always, if you enjoy the idea, please like/reblog, and if you want to build off the idea for your own AU or things, just tag me if you use specifics!! ((If you have any questions about RA, please drop them in my box and I will try to answer when I have the time!!))

[q8qwertyuiop8p]

An Analysis of Silco's Mental Health (Part One-PTSD)

I'm not a psychiatrist

Most of us already know that Jinx has PTSD, Psychosis, and likely even Borderline Personality Disorder. But what about Silco?

Throught Arcane, Silco displays many symptoms of both PTSD and Paranoid Personality Disorder. I also want to talk about why Silco does NOT have Anti-Social or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

PTSD

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is a mental health disorder developed after experiencing a stressful, traumatizing, and sometimes even life-threatening event. Common symptoms include:

Avoiding things that remind of the event

Intrusive thoughts, memories, and even flashbacks (reliving the event as though it were happening again) related to the event that are often triggered by reminders

Being on edge, irritatable, or easily startled

Difficulty feeling positive emotions, concentrating, and sleeping

Engaging in reckless behavior

Difficulty remembering the event

Dissociation (Feelings of detachment from oneself, one's emotions, or their environment)

Social isolation, feelings of detachment, negative feelings about oneself or others

There is evidence that Silco experiences flashbacks. In the scene where Vander grabs Silco by the neck, much like he did when drowning Silco, Silco freezes in fear and it suddenly cuts to his perspective of Vander holding him underwater.

Silco also dissociates as seen when he kills Benzo and others. His face is blank and emotionless, yet his eye is watery in the close up. When Vander brings up the attack in the cannery, Silco breaks eye contact and fidgets with the vial.

GIF by @spookyscaryslashy

When Renni's child dies, Silco shows no empathy or remorse, despite doing whatever he can to protect his child. Yet when her grief leads her to try to kill him, Silco doesn't even punish her, just threatens her and tells her to leave. Silco dissociates himself from what he is doing to Zaun (and Warwick?) because he believes what he does is necessary and that emotion will hinder you and create opportunities for people to take advantage of you. He also heavily dissociates himself from his pre-betrayal self.

What I find most fascinating about the way PTSD is represented in Silco (and sometimes Jinx) is that rather than avoiding things that remind him of the event, he purposely exposes himself to them.

One of the less common, lesser known, and incredibly understudied symptoms of PTSD is called self-triggering: where an individual, rather than avoiding triggers, will seek them out and purposely expose theirselves to it. Some who exhibit this behavior do not know understand why they desire to self-trigger, but reasons for it may include:

A desire to process trauma, heal, or "regain control"

Feeling that you are not worthy of being happy or desiring to harm oneself

A desire to stop feeling empty, numb, or dissociating

Self-triggering is not the same as exposure therapy, which is a treatment performed with the guidance and supervision of a medical professional. Exposing yourself to trauma without a medical professional's input is recommended against, as it can easily lead to more pain, unhealthy coping tactics, and even retraumatize the individual.

Silco self-triggers throughout the show because he believes it is the right way to cope, to move on and become stronger. He chooses a cannery on the shore of the river he almost died in as his base. He even spends time in the underwater basement and admires the view of the water. He later baptises himself in the river as a sort of symbolic reenactment of the betrayal. Furthermore, his choice of clothing may also show his desire to self-trigger.

Unsurprisingly, this behavior only leads Silco to misunderstand his PTSD and adopt more negative coping habits, like the belief that his pre-betrayal self was weak and needed to die, that he is now the best version of himself, and that he has totally moved on from the past.

This doesn't mean there is nothing he will avoid- he isolates himself from others and avoids being dependent on and trusting of those around him, because he is afraid of being betrayed again. And this ties into what I want to bring up next...

[justmeinadaze]

Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites (Steddie X You)

A/N: This is that idea I told y'all about when my PTSD was really bad last week. I actually liked writing some of this out <3. It did help a bit. I wish I had them and a Red to help me through those rough days.

I did set this after the events of Season 4 so slight spoilers involving Max mostly. Im kind of excited to explore a bit more of Steve's PTSD involving the show. I did it a bit here. I also chose to utilize my own trauma as the readers trauma. I'll delve a bit more in the warnings.

Anyone struggling with their mental health, you are not alone <3. You're feelings are valid and we just have to take things one day at a time. I love you :)

Warnings: Steddie X Fem Reader, No smut yet, Fluff with the reader trying to make them feel better and vice versa. Angst, trauma involving the show is mentioned especially with Steve's feelings of what happened to Max, mentions of Eddie being blamed and the town treating him like trash, he does talk about his abuse as a child very briefly as does the reader. No details are mentioned just that it happened. Reader has a panic attack that the boys help her through.

I do expand on symptoms of PTSD and how the reader feels. Symptoms of mental health can be different for everyone so I focused more on what I experience with my own PTSD. As I progress in the chapters and she becomes more open with them I will most likely talk about things that happened to me. I didn't want to generalize what she was going through mostly because its hard. PTSD and trauma are complicated in it of its self so...

Word Count: 5314

You had been coming to this group for years because of your mental health. Your doctor suggested it stating that it might help you to hear from other people going through the same thing you were. Truth be told it never worked. The other people in this post traumatic stress support group were mostly military vets or officers who had just moved to Hawkins to “get away from the chaos.” You imagined it was a quite a shock for them when the earthquake hit…

While a lot of their symptoms and aftermath stories were similar to yours, you struggled to connect. If anything, you felt more alone. So why did you keep coming back?

Routine, maybe. Or the need to have any kind of human contact since you spend the bulk of your time by yourself at home. Hell, you even worked from home so the only living thing you interacted with on a daily basis was your service dog, Ren. You rarely ever spoke in group, choosing to sit there and listen to the other people speak. 

Since the earthquake, however, more people had joined to your dismay. Most of the citizens that came in took up most of the time talking about the event and how scared they were about what happened. You tried not to let the disgust show on your face when they spoke, understanding that everyone experiences things differently but they didn’t really know. 

They didn’t know what it was like to spend years replaying an event in your head even when you’re asleep. To have those moments where something that would be random to someone else meant something significant to you triggering a panic attack that knocked you on your ass for the rest of the day. They didn’t know what it was like to be so scared to even go to the fucking grocery store to get essentials without the fear that everyone is talking about you and judging you because you’ve been standing in front of the canned goods for a little bit too long wondering if you buy this will you actually eat it or will it just sit there for months at a time because some days you don’t feel like eating. 

Your PTSD consumed a lot of your life for most of your life whereas these people were just now stepping into it and were most likely going to step right back out. After a few months, you were correct. All those citizens gradually stopped coming in till it was just the regular survivors once again. 

After grabbing some coffee, you and Ren sat in your usual spot, waiting for the meeting to start. The dog grabbed your attention when he whined and without warning placed his head on the stranger beside you. 

“Oh. Hey, buddy.”, he coos as his big hand reaches down to pet his head. 

“I’m sorry. He probably senses your anxiety.”

“Well shit. He’s not wrong. I’m not really good at any of this.”, he gestures around the room. “But some of my friends insisted we come so…”

“We?”

“Yeah, um…” The boy’s eyes glance up towards someone headed for the seat next to him and it takes you a moment to realize everyone else’s eyes on him as well. 

You recognized his face immediately, Edward Munson. The metalhead had been accused of being a satanic worshipper who murdered a bunch of teens a few months ago. He had been cleared of those charges thanks to the help of the old police chief, some detective journalism by Nancy Wheeler, and his friend… “Steve Harrington?”

“That’s me. Do I know you? My memory isn’t what it used to be.”

“She had school with us and graduated along with you, Harrington.”, Eddie sighed as he folded his arms.

“Oh. I’m sorry. What was your name?”

“You look different.”, you blurted before turning away from him and closing your eyes. “I’m…I’m sorry. Sometimes…my mouth moves before…before my brain catches up.”

Ren senses your heightened anxiety and places himself between your legs so you can pet his head, down his back. 

“Alright everyone, let’s get started.”, the overly cheery coordinator grins as he sits down and crosses his legs. While glancing at his clipboard, he addresses the circle. “Does anyone have anything they’d like to share before we get going?”

“Why is he here?”, someone sneers as they point towards the metalhead. 

“He should be in a cell not in group therapy.”, says another.

“Hey now. Mr. Munson is entitled to care just like everyone else and I expect you guys to treat him with the same respect we do everyone else. If that’s going to be a problem, I completely understand, feel free to leave and meet us at our other scheduled time on Thursday.”

Half the people in the room stood up and walked out, the last person slamming the door of the room for emphasis. Out of the corner of your eye, you see Steve pat his back comfortingly as Eddie lets out a deep, heartbroken sigh.

“Would either of you like to introduce yourself to the rest of the group?” 

The metalhead continued to glare forward as Steve spoke up. “As some of you may know, I’m Steve Harrington and this is my friend Eddie. Our other friend Robin suggested we try this since we, uh, we’ve been having some trouble lately.”

“Good, very good. Nice to meet you both. This is a safe space so please feel free to be open here.”

“Thank you.”

“Let’s, uh, let’s continue down the line here. Y/N? Do you feel like talking? I see Ren is on duty today. Something you’re anxious about?”

“Everything.” The man chuckles as people around the room nod in agreement. “I’m ok today, thanks.” 

The remainder of the meeting goes by smoothly without any incident and as it ends everyone rises to leave except the two people next to you. They expect you to leave as well but when you stand, instead of heading for the door you place yourself next to Eddie. He doesn’t move or make any gestures to acknowledge your presence and you’re ok with that. You aren’t really one for small talk or anything like that but something about his demeanor gave you a gut feeling that you decided to expand on. 

Your therapist was always preaching about learning to trust your gut and positive self-talk making your eyes roll every time. 

“Um, this is Ren. He’s a service lab for me because I, uh, I get shaky and anxious really easily. He can sense when I’m nervous or about to have an attack so he helps ground me. I can just pet him or he’ll let me hold him. At home, he’s trained to bring me my medication.”

Steve watches you speak, seemingly trying to get a read on you while Eddie continues to stare straight ahead. You can tell he’s listening though because his head tilted ever so slightly towards you as you began explaining things. Personally, he was so ecstatic to hear a stranger talk calmly with him but he couldn’t display that for fear of ruining the moment or worse, it being a lie.

“Do…do you want to pet him?” 

His head finally whips around to look at you as his eyes scan yours. Swallowing nervously, he sat up straighter, rolling his eyes in faux frustration as his palm reached out to pet the dog’s head. 

“Why Ren? How did you come up with that?”, Steve asked.

“The morning before I got him, I saw Footloose at the cinema. I like Kevin Bacon’s character and his name was Ren. Do you want to see something cute?” Without waiting for an answer, you stood in front of them and motioned for the lab to stand in front of you. Holding out your hands, you sang the Footloose theme song and he jumped up to place his paws in your hands to dance with you.

Both men smiled and you knew you’d never be able to explain why but it comforted you. 

“I, um, I know this town can be full of assholes but I hope you do come back next week. Craig, the coordinator, will take care of you. He’s a little quirky but he’s nice.”

Again, you don’t wait for an answer as you gather your things and Ren before heading out the door. 

****

When Steve got home that night, he immediately went on the hunt for his yearbook. 

“What are you doing, man?”, Eddie whined as he threw himself on the bed. 

“Looking for my yearbook. I’m surprised I don’t remember her. The guy said Y/N, do you remember her last name?”

Of course, he did. When you were in school together, he had a few classes with you especially English. Junior year you wrote a story that the teacher made you read in front of the class about a girl who was hiding in a forest behind a tree as she watched two monsters argue about how they were going to eat her when they found her. The other kids thought you were weird but he identified with it; picturing his parents fighting as you read.

Eddie never found the courage to speak to you but he was always your hidden knight, watching over you. One of the party boys had talked about how they fucked you and how much of a freak you were so he slashed the kids tires and spray painted “Asshole” in big, bold letters on his car. You probably didn’t remember but on valentine’s day he had slipped a note in your locker that was a drawing of you battling your monsters you had written about. 

“No. Come on, Harrington. It doesn’t matter. It’s not like we’re going back anyway.”

Steve paused his search as he sat down and crossed his legs. “Why wouldn’t we go back?”

“I don’t know if you noticed but people weren’t exactly excited I was there.”

“Fuck those people. At least one person was excited. Two if you count the dog.”

“Yeah sure. Let ruin that by bringing her into our shit. Plus, it’s not like we can tell anyone or talk about what really happened.”

Steve sighed as he got up to sit beside him. “Ed, first off, there isn’t shit to bring her into. Vecna’s dead; we killed him. Secondly, we don’t have to talk about what happened…just what happens after.”

“Really? You want to play that game, Steven? He may be dead but we still got shit. Max is still in a coma, Dustin is still struggling, the town is quite literally cut in half, and ALL of us still have fucking nightmares with all that other fun post traumatic shit. Things are still so out of whack we haven’t even told our friends about us yet.”

“They have enough on their plates.”

“Exactly. So, I reiterate, why do you want to bring this girl into our chaos?”

The man sighs again as he hangs his head making Eddie feel a little guilty as he leans his head on his shoulder while reaching for his hand.

“I don’t know. There’s just something about her that makes me feel comfortable and safe.”

###########

“You came back.”

“Yeah, it took some convincing but…”, Steve grinned. “Hey Ren. May I?”, he asked before petting the lab when you nodded. 

“How are you feeling today, Eddie?”

The metalhead softly smiles at you as he tilts his head in your direction. When the meeting begins you can already feel that the energy is different. One of the regulars is extremely agitated today as his leg bounces and he folds his arms. As soon as Craig reaches him, he shouts his problem as he struggles to control the volume of his voice. Your eyes close as you try to stay present and remind yourself that your safe.

No, no, no. Please. I can’t have a panic attack here in front of all these people. Everyone will look at me. They’ll think I’m weak. No, no, no.

“Y/N?”, the coordinator calls your name and you fold into yourself. “Y/N, you’re ok. You’re safe.”

Ren places his front paws on your knees as he rests his head on your shoulder. You couldn’t do this, pushing him back as you stumbled out the door into the hallway before sinking to the floor.

Your service dog continued to do what it was trained to do as he ran after you and laid beside you in your arms. The sound of your bag and a bottle of water being placed beside you startled you but you couldn’t move to acknowledge it.

You felt your head being lifted and placed on something relatively soft as you continued to try and calm down. It took a few moments but once you felt like you could breathe you opened your teary eyes to see Eddie looking towards the window.

“Hey, hey, take your time.”, Steve soothed in a soft tone when you tried to sit up. “I grabbed your bag and some water. Do you need your meds or anything?”

“C-C-Can you help me?”, you asked as you reached your arms back to try and push yourself to a sitting position. He leaned over to help you adjust as you laid against the wall with your head on the metalhead’s shoulder. “I’m sorry.”

“Nothing to be sorry for.”

“I didn’t want you laying your head on the hard floor. I hope that was ok.”, Eddie tenderly grinned. 

You nodded, watching heavily as Ren dug his snout in your purse before producing your medicine and placing it on your lap. 

“Good boy. Steve, in there is his treats. Can you give him one?”

He smiled as he did what you asked and your dog wagged his tail happily. 

“Do you need help?”, Eddie whispered.

“I don’t want to be any trouble.”

Without saying a word, he grabbed the meds from you lap and opened the bottle, shaking one into his hand and popping it closed. He placed the pill near your mouth and your eyes met his as you slowly opened, allowing him to place it on your tongue before holding the edge of the water to your lips and tipping it back. 

“You’re not any trouble. I…we…appreciate you being as kind as you have been to us.”

As he extended his arm to place everything back in its proper place, his jacket sleeve slid up and you noticed some slight scaring around his wrist. When he felt your eyes on him, he followed your glance, quickly covering it up as he leaned back. 

“Thank you for coming out here. You didn’t have to. I struggle with aggressiveness like what Jeremy did in there.”

“Is that not normal for him?”

“Usually, no but I imagine this earthquake and the aftermath hasn’t helped him with his flashbacks.”

“How has it been for you?”, Steve asked.

“Um, not to chaotic. I had a harder time a few months prior when this town was going crazy and playing police officers like they were the law or something. Oh shit. Eddie, I’m so sorry. I didn’t even—”

“No worries, sweetheart. I’m used to it now; the stares, gossip, and questions.”

“Should you be?”

His eyes met yours again before quickly looking away as the door to the group area opened and people filed out. The man who had been yelling came over to where you were sitting and apologized in a much more gentle tone then he had previously. After accepting it and smiling towards him, you slowly wobbled to your feet with Steve helping to guide you.

“Are you ok to drive? We can take you home if you’d like.”

“No, I’m alright. I just need to eat something and get a little energy back.”

“Would you like to have dinner with us?”, Eddie offered carefully.

“Sure.”

***

As the three of you entered the restaurant, your eyes darted around as your brain did its regular anxiety check. You made sure to clock where all the exits were and how to get to them, scanned the current patrons to make sure no one was someone who would hurt you, and marked which seat you would prefer to be in just in case you needed to run. 

When you glanced towards Steve, you blinked back surprise when you realized he was doing the same thing. 

“I have to leave, Harrington, but get it to go and we can eat in my van. If that’s ok with you.”

You nodded, panicking slightly as he walked back out the door, unsure of what he was hiding from. To avoid another episode, you did the same leaving the other man to order. When you made it outside you found Eddie in the driver’s seat smoking a cigarette, his eyes darting to you when you climbed into the passenger’s side. 

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. I saw Jason’s parent’s eating at a table so…”

“I never thought you killed those kids.” As soon as the words blurted out, your eyes squeezed shut. “I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.”

Finger reached out to touch your arm causing your eyes to open again, meeting his kind chocolate-colored ones. 

“You don’t have to keep apologizing.”

When you apologize again, both of you let out a breathy, genuine laugh. 

“When I saw on the news what happened to Chrissy, I knew you couldn’t have done it. Yeah, you were always loud in school but you were also really sweet… at least from what I remember.”

You two jumped when Steve opened the back of the van and threw himself in. “Eddie, go.”

Without any hesitation, he started to put the vehicle in gear but he wasn’t fast enough as Jason’s father appeared by his window and aggressively knocked on the glass. 

“Where do you think you’re going, freak?! You’re the reason my son and his girlfriend are dead!”

“Go, Eddie!”, Steve commanded.

The metalhead slammed his foot on the gas and sped off with the man shouting behind him. The rest of the ride was silent until he parked near the hill that surveyed the town. You watched as he continued to grip the wheel like a lifeline as his chest rose and fell. You wanted to help but you didn’t know exactly how. They only thing you could think of was to grab his palm and place it on Ren’s head. The dog was used to limp pets as Eddie’s hand lazily fell down his back but he promptly rested his head on his lap as you praised him. 

Steve leaned over the seat and placed his arms around him as he whispered things in his ear furthest from you. After a few moments his hand began to move against Ren’s fur making the dog’s tail wag as the other boy released him from his hold. 

“Come on. Let’s eat.”

############

It was actually the perfect evening for eating outside. The van doors remained open as the three of you munched on your meals in the back. From this spot Hawkins looked different; less chaotic than it was.

While you guys ate you casually talked about yourself. They told you some general things about themselves and you did the same. Even though you felt safe with them you didn’t want to bombard them too much with the mess that was your life. You felt like they were holding back as well, omitting certain information they were afraid to tell.

“You can work from home, you know?”, you mentioned after Eddie brought up how hard it was to find a job because of who he was. “That’s what I do.”

“I could do that.”

“Wouldn’t that be hard for you, Ed? You’re very talkative and outgoing. Don’t you like thrive off of people or some shit.”

“Thrive off of people… No, Harrington. I’m not a vampire.” They grinned at each other when you giggled. “I mean it wouldn’t be much different. Everyone already thought I was a freak beforehand. Now I’m just a murdering freak.”

Everyone went silent as the metalhead turned away to glare outside. 

“You should stop saying things like that.”, you murmur. 

“It’s how they feel.”, he shrugs.

“Who cares how they feel. What matters is how you feel and the truth. You didn’t do it so stop saying it.” Eddie’s eyes jerked towards you as your tone got more agitated.

“Yeah, well, what would you know?”

“Eddie, stop it.”, Steve warned.

“It’s ok, Steve. I can handle this. I’m mentally ill not weak.”

“No one said you were weak, Y/N.”

“What makes you so confident I didn’t do it, hm? You weren’t there. Maybe I did.”

“Eddie…”

“No, Harrington. I’m curious. What makes her so confident? I have to know because besides my friends and my uncle you are the only person in this town who believes I didn’t do some satanic ritual to murder Chrissy, Fred, Patrick, and Jason. That I didn’t hurt Max to cause that fucking earthquake. Why?”

Steve angerly threw the water bottle he was drinking from hard against the inside of the van making you jump.

“Jesus Christ. Are you fucking kidding me, Ed?! We finally find one person who believes the truth and you have to fucking question it! Who gives a fuck why she believes you! Just embrace it.”

He crawls out of the vehicle and begins to pace as he lets off steam. Ren puts his head on your lap and you pet him as you watch Eddie climb out as well and hug the boy from behind, resting his cheek on his back. 

“I’m sorry if I startled you.”, Steve apologized without looking your way. 

“You didn’t. I…I feel safe with you, both of you. That’s why I believe you. I can’t explain it, Eddie. I wish I could. My therapist says that because of my trauma I had to learn how to read people so I could protect myself and prepare just in case. You two…I just don’t get this vibe that I need to be afraid of you.”

“Like a superpower?”, the metalhead grins softly as he comes to sit back beside you. 

“You could say that.”, you giggle and his heart melts. Abruptly, you lean over and wrap your arms around his shoulders, feeling his body stiffen only for a moment before fully accepting it. “You’re a good person Edward Munson.”

Steve watches you both as he stands in front of you, also taken aback when you turn your love towards him by hugging him to, circling your arms around his lower back.

“You to, Steve Harrington.”

****

The following week you were happy to see they attended group again and seemed so much lighter than they had the other times they had come. As the meeting started, once again you felt that shift in energy. 

“Y/N, I know you don’t talk much here and that’s absolutely fine. I was hoping maybe we could talk about what happened last week.”

“Oh, um, I don’t want to make Jeremy feel bad.”

“I’m ok. I want you to talk about it. It helps me understand…”

You gnaw on your bottom lip at his answer as Craig looks at you with earnest eyes. “I, um, he got aggressive and I panicked.”

“He did get verbally confrontational. Was it the yelling or what he was saying that triggered you?”

“The…yelling doesn’t…doesn’t really bother me or what is said. It…how it was being said.”

“Huh. Interesting. Please, go on.”

“My mom…was always kind of…forceful with her words…”

You don’t see it but both the boy’s protective modes had kicked in beside you especially Steve’s. It takes all his energy not to comfort you in some way. Yesterday, you had hugged him and Eddie but you three had been alone. Right now, you were in room full of people and he didn’t want to make you uncomfortable. He settled for casually extending his legs a bit so his knee was just barely touching your own. 

“I don’t want to talk anymore if that’s ok.”

“That’s fine, Y/N. How about you Steve? I noticed you and Eddie got up pretty quickly to make sure she was okay. I’m sure she appreciates that. Are you usually the protector of your friend group?”

He smirks slightly. “They would probably say I’m more like the babysitter.”

“That’s funny.”, the coordinator laughs. “I have seen you around town with some of the younger kids like Dustin Henderson and Mike Wheeler. You and Mr. Munson there.”

“How’s Max Mayfield doing?” Both their heads shot up to look towards the member that asked the question. “Is she doing any better? I heard her mom is wreck.”

“Jackie, you know the rules. We don’t gossip in here.”, Craig scolds. 

“I’m not gossiping! Max was dating that Sinclair boy, right? Who hangs out with Michael and Dustin who apparently hang out with them so…I just want to know.”

Ren, who had been laying on the floor by your feet, suddenly sat up and waddled between Steve’s legs before lifting himself up so his head was on the man’s shoulder.

“Hug him.”, you whisper as you reach out to rub the boy’s back.

Slowly, he wraps his arms around him and pets the dog’s head. “Good boy.”

“Let’s, uh, Let’s move on to someone else.”

As the coordinator began talking to another person, Steve got up to leave as you and Eddie followed behind. Unlike you, instead of sitting in the hall, he continued to the parking lot towards his BMW. 

“Steve, wait. Wait a second!”, the metalhead called to him trying to keep up.

“I’m fine. Let’s just go home.”

“If you’re fine then why are we leaving?”

“Because I know they are going to ask about her again and I don’t want to hear it so…”, he aggressively gestures towards the car. 

“Isn’t that the point of this therapy group bullshit? To talk or whatever the fuck you said. This was your idea. You can’t just drag us here and then leave when it gets hard.”

“Ok, well, you know what? You were right, okay? We can’t talk about what happened so—”

“But they aren’t asking what happened. They are asking how she is. They already think they know what happened.”

“Fine! Fine, Eddie! Let’s go back in there and answer her question! ‘Oh yeah, Jackie, Max is fine. Just all of her limbs are broken and she’s in a fucking coma but hey the doctors say she’s not brain dead! Always a silver lining!’”

“Steve…what happened to her wasn’t your fault.”

“Fuck this. I’ll walk home.”

The metalhead ran in front of him, trying to block him with his body. “What happened to her, me, Dustin, and Lucas wasn’t your fault. You killed him. You, Nancy, and Robin saved us all but you’re not fucking superman, babe. You can’t be everywhere at once and can’t protect everyone.”

Steve’s head hung and they clung to each other as Eddie embraced him. When they disconnected, they were almost startled by your presence, forgetting you were there entirely. 

“Hey, um, before my brain glitches, I drew you something last night.” Eddie digs in his pocket and hands you a folded piece of paper. 

When you open it fully, you softly smile at the image of you in boots and a superhero style outfit with your palm in the air as a zig-zag force field surrounded you. Next to you was Ren with his tongue hanging out and mask over his eyes. At the top was bold 3D lettering that read “LADY EMPATHY” with smaller print underneath; “Senses Emotions and helps heal the innocent with her trustee four-legged side kick Anti-Depressant.”

You didn’t know whether to laugh or cry but you loved it. No one had ever done something nice like this for you except that one time someone slide a drawing into your locker.

Your eyes met his as a light bulb went off in your head. 

“Do you two want to come over to my house? We can hang out and eat some food. I would like to show you something.”

Eddie glanced at Steve who nodded his approval. 

“Ok. Sounds like fun.”

****

“Wow, this place is really nice.”, Steve muses as he looks around. 

“Thank you. I don’t have much but I don’t need too much so…”, you shrug as you watch them move around. 

“You seem to like a lot of movies, huh?” Eddie walks around looking at your posters hanging on the wall. 

“I do especially the fantasy ones. It’s nice to hide from reality in movies like The Never Ending Story or Dragon Slayer. I can’t wait for Labyrinth to come out. You know that new Bowie movie?”

The metalhead chuckles when Steve shrugs. “He doesn’t know who that is, sweetheart. Steve isn’t exactly well versed in most media.”

Your eyes widen as you head towards your sound system and push in a cassette. “Let’s Dance” flows through the speakers and he bobs his head he listens. “Pretty cool.”

Eddie laughs harder when you playfully sigh as his musical ignorance. “Yeah. Welcome to my world. What did you want to show us?”

After disappearing into your room, you come back with a frame in your arms, the image facing your body. 

“When I was in high school, I was pretty good at being invisible but sometimes I wasn’t so lucky. The jocks would pick on me a lot and pretty girls like Tammy Thompson would make my life hell.” Steve sighed praying that he wasn’t one of the people who hurt you. “That was nothing compared to what I was dealing with at home. My parents…they, um, they weren’t nice with each other and sometimes…my mother would take that out on me.”

“I always loved English class because I could write about what I was feeling. One day a teacher had asked me to read something I wrote in front of everyone. I told him no but he insisted and as I stood there, I could hear people snickering. It was awful; I hate talking in front of people. But anyway, a few days later, I found this in my locker.”

You turned the frame around to display the image Eddie had drawn for you as you slowly moved toward him. 

“You have no idea what this did for me. In a world full of people where I felt like no one cared, this showed me someone was listening. Someone out there did care…at least enough to take the time to draw this and give it to me.”

Eddie’s eyes met yours as he spoke. “I related to it, your story about the monsters and the kid hiding. My father used to scream at my mother until it escalated. I would always hide in my room hoping I wasn’t next.” Steve came over to stand next to him and rub his back comfortingly. “Turns out I can’t fight any monsters, can I, Stevie?”

The boy growled under his breath as his hand fell. 

“You were always amazing to me. You seemed so smart and strong; I was so afraid to talk to you. I couldn’t stop thinking about your story so I drew that and slid it into your locker.”

“So…my superpower works? I was right about you. You are a good person.” You smile when he smirks in your direction. “You guys can talk to me…about anything. I won’t judge you or hurt you or anything. I trust you and I hope that you can trust me.”

They glance at each other and you see the hesitation in their look. They a definitely holding something back but you pray that one day they’ll feel comfortable enough to let you in. Little did you know, the massive secrets they could tell.

[libelelle]

OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER. my opinion on Silver is by no means the single correct one nor do i think it should be, do what you do idc. we're all here throwing him at a wall repeatedly for fun

Ok so. whats the point i wanted to make. oh yeah right

SILVER THE HEDGEHOG!!!! FUCK!!!!

his character is so interesting this is a character for sure. im screaming and crying etc etc. the unfortunate part is NO ONE GETS HIM. i see a lot of interpretations that cherry pick his personality and experiences and it just! isnt it! he is a complicated character!

trying to simplify him down to 🥺innocent soft boi🥺 doesn't work, not only cause you're ignoring his DEBUT GAME (NEVER FORGET HE TRIED KILLING SONIC) but also because you just disconnected him from his entire backstory and motivations. i see people making Silver into a "cinnamon roll" guy and it always makes me grimace because... do you know WHY he is clueless. do you know why he doesn't get things or is too trusting or this or that. its because he grew up in the apocalypse alone. he hasn't experienced anything normal or healthy in his entire life. and since these traits, which are used to make him into the innocent cinnamon roll, are a result of growing up in a very abnormal environment, are symptoms of having never been in social situations and never had a normal day-to-day life. this means you can't ignore the OTHER characteristics that result from it. by this i mean hes very independent, very stubborn and aggressively mean (i recommend watching any of Silvers interactions in the Rivals games. he is extremely confrontational and a very good example of the kind of behaviour i'm talking about). but since this doesn't fit the bill for the character that you want him to be, you remove the context. him being clueless has nothing to do with his background. hes anxious cause hes a smol bean, not because hes been drowning in responsibility and trauma for as long as hes been alive. hes kind because hes innocent, not because he chose to be despite it all

"but linnea! what about IDW! hes very innocent in that!" INCORRECT BUZZER. IDW is not the same. i'll admit, the writing isn't always what i want or expect for Silver, but there's something important for you to note here

Silver is ✨Recovering✨

from my perspective at least. what i see is Silver, who has actively been working together with other people for MONTHS. he has friends, a support net, as well as hobbies. these are things he didn't have before, and being with these people, in both calm and hard times, helped him. So what we are seeing isn't the trauma responses, we're seeing the result of being acclimatized into a healthier and safer position. that's why there's a change in behaviour. this doesn't mean hes a soft boy now. AGAIN hes complicated. be careful not to boil him down to a single trait. in IDW we still see moments where he experiences difficulties because of his past. examples include when he met Whisper, Failed Social Interaction and said this:

he struggles with boundaries! of course he does! he's still getting the hang of being around people

then also recently when he came to help Sonic in 58:

he is struggling!! with nothing to focus on! his default is fight fight save the future fight!! he's not used to normal life and that makes him anxious and frustrated, unable to focus on things he cares about, as we see in the future growth comic in the 2022 annual

there are likely more examples but idc. need to finish this post. continuing, Silver is complicated, meaning that even when he is aggressive and tunnel visioning on a task, he has more going on. one thing i fucking lovee LOVE love about Silver is that he has hope. fuck if i were him i think i'd have given up. THOSE horrors? every day? no thanks

Silver feels anguish and frustration and fear. this being said even at his angstiest moments he has hope. you cannot look me in the eye and tell me that Silver fought through every horrible disaster, coming back to a newly devastated world every time and decided to continue with no hope for a better future. he is determined and he has hope, even if he has to fight tooth and nail for it. Usually when i think about Silver and his odd optimism, i go back to '06, when he's having his moral crisis over killing sonic.

"To kill someone to save the world... is that really the right thing to do?"

it would've been understandable if he decided it was the right thing to do, even if sonic was someone who was kind and loved, because that's just how bad the world is. maybe its just me, but the way this thought broke through in spite of his bull headed focus on destroying the iblis trigger speaks to me about his nature as a person. even coming from the bleak world he came from and even with the tunnel vision he had, he still considered this one persons life to be important too.

he is, at heart, a very gentle and kind person. he is, at heart, someone who is strong and who wants to help others. a version of Silver that is sad all the time, unable to see the good in the world (a phenomena i don't see much of thankfully) isn't true to Silver as a character because its missing that core trait to his character, that he wants to help because he cares.

Silver can't be one or the other. one way ignores his background and his trauma, which leaves out important parts of his personality, the other just abandons a very integral part of who he is.

the point really is to say that (slaps roof of Silver) this bad boy can fit so much layers!

[neptune-scythe]

deleted and rewording my previous post since most people totally missed my point and didn't like my wording ... which i worded it very intentionally to be disruptive and make you go "oh damn i never thought of that that's awful wow" instead of the general reaction of "oh damn i never thought of that and i'm never going to think about that and you're awful for mentioning it"

so here goes

something that the show and, from what i've seen, the fandom as well have glossed over is the effect killing Doug would have on Maddie. yes she absolutely made the right choice in that moment and was incredibly brave for doing so and she knows that. but that doesn't take away from what the action of taking a life has on ones mind.

no one can ever be 100% certain about anything, especially something huge and traumatic like that, so there will probably always be some part of her, however tiny and minuscule that wonders if that really was the only option, or if it's not somehow a reflection of who she is as a person ... which her conscious mind will know these thoughts aren't truth, that she made the best decision she could and that she only did what she had to do to survive ... and that Doug was the one who made that situation absolute, that it was either kill or be killed for both of them.

But we've even seen her see herself as a danger and a threat to the people she loves (running away after Jee slipped under the water because Maddie didn't think it was safe for her to be around her daughter anymore), and while that is a common enough symptom of depression to feel/think that way, it could also be in part to the fact that she'd killed Doug.

Objectively the situations are vastly different, but trauma has a way of skewing objectivity and defying logic and rationality but making just enough sense that you can't quite seem to dismiss it.

And add onto that the fact that Maddie was blamed for literally everything for her entire marriage, and even in childhood to a certain extent (her parents immediately saying "what did you do to him" when Buck crashed his bike) and the kind of guilt that burrows deep inside you because of that. Even just before she killed Doug he was blaming her for "forcing him to stab Chimney", for pushing him to kill the gas station worker and for hurting her. She's known nothing but blame and guilt for years.

And while yes by that time she's healed some from that and realized that it isn't her fault, especially the people he killed or tried to kill, but that doesn't mean she can just dismiss it, especially so soon after leaving him and breaking free of that abuse.

but per the point of my previous post that I deleted

the show really only mentioned the effects of that in the one episode and only in three comments, "everything gets worse for you if he dies", "I killed someone I used to love, I'll never be free of that", "I just really needed to talk about how i really feel about killing my husbasnd", and then just ... didn't mention it ever again.

but that kind of trauma doesn't just go away, and while yes by now she's healed and overcome that and is living her life and thriving with her family, that doesn't mean the trauma is just magically gone. healing is not linear, and that is something I notice fandom spaces don't like the idea of generally. the concept that a healed character might still get triggered or experience doubts or fears caused by that trauma. and that's something that I think we should be talking about more instead of the seemingly majority view that healing means the trauma is magically gone and will never effect you ever again.

but to circle back to the original post

it was about the idea that sometimes that doubt and fear ... that trauma, might come back, it might tell Maddie that she didnt act out of self defense, that she's just a killer... and that she might kill Chimney too. which obviously we can all agree is something that is completely false, but trauma has a way of getting inside your brain and gaslighting you, making you doubt everything you thought you knew, it may very well make her doubt the intention of her actions, or make her wonder if that action was really a reflection of who she is as a person deep down.

which again, obviously is entirely false, she was absolutely justified in her actions and it was showing her bravery and tenacity and strength, not making her a horrible or dangerous person. and definitely not some kind of omen or fate that she's trapped in

but her mind ... her trauma, might tell her it is. and she might almost believe it

maybe that was part of why she went to the ocean, and why she left for Boston, because her trauma told her she'd killed Doug and now she'd almost killed her daughter, and that was a pattern, and a sign of her true self ... and maybe she believed it. In the state she was in mentally it would be very hard to challenge that thought, to remind herself that it wasn't true.

especially given she's struggled with depression since the age of 9 or 10, and never had a safe space or the tools to process the loss of her brother, and then basically having to raise Buck while still being a child herself, and going right from that into an abusive marriage. she's been in survival mode pretty much her entire life, struggling with grief and guilt and trauma that she never had the chance to actually work through and process until after she left Doug, which makes fighting the lies her traumas tell her all the more challenging

but the point of the post was yes we all praise and talk about how strong and courageous and brave she is for going through all the horrible things she has and moving on and thriving and living her life, and we all want to see her continue to thrive and be happy and healthy and living the best life she can

but that trauma is a part of her, the messy aftermath of that is still a part of her and to a certain extent probably always will be, and denying that is denying a huge part of her as a person. and that doesn't take away from her strength at all or mean that she hasn't healed. it just means she's a human who has been through some awful circumstances that she didn't deserve and she came out the other side and is refusing to let it ruin her, but it will always be a part of her, that trauma, no matter how healed she is, and that's okay. because she has healed, she is healing, she's moving on and living her life. and she deserves every bit of that and more.

but I think the messy sides of trauma, the doubts and irrational fears and straight up lies it makes one believe is just as worthy of talking about as the perseverance and strength of overcoming that trauma. the type of things that are taboo, the things that people told me were disgusting to even think about, they are real things that real people experience and there is no reason why it should be such an awful impossible concept to believe that a person might doubt themselves and have their mind and traumas tell them horrible lies about themselves. such is life, such is the human experience, the traumatized experience. and it deserves talking about

[serpentinegraphite]

...re: your tags on the WFA Jason crowbar incident -- might one be directed to your referenced essay?

Since it's been a min, here's the DC meta post this ask is referencing.

I thought it was on my blog, but I haven't been able to find the essay in the weeks since this ask came in? It might have been a tag rant more than the proper essay I thought I had posted. Or I might have been thinking of a broader and more general essay on the current trauma in fanfic portrayal, which I have definitely posted on this blog somewhere and in several friends' inboxes.

The gist of the essay is that a) fandom as a whole has a tendency to treat panic attacks/flashbacks as the Only and Right Way to experience trauma, even though that's by far not universal and b) will apply this even to characters who have canon trauma and show specific trauma reactions!

With Jason Todd in WFA having a Crowbar Sound Flashback, it's a perfect microcosm of both! The problem, therefore, isn't necessarily WFA being Uniquely Terrible and Inaccurate; WFA just exclusively plays with a lot of softball, fandom-popular tropes, so it remains popular even and especially with people who aren't super familiar with the canon. And because WFA thrives on softball, popular tropes, of course it's going to pick up on the Best Way To Write Trauma.

The essence of the problem is actually the way trauma symptoms in fanfic are homogenized to the most palatable, most sympathetic reaction guaranteed to woobify even the most hardened crime lords and war criminals: a panic attack. But not ANY panic attack! Specifically the hyperventilating on the floor, curled up in a ball kind of panic attacks! (Characters who lash out in anger when they're scared? Characters who shout mean things? Not anymore! Now they're hyperventilating on the floor and they need tender care and possibly a hug.) The momentary full helplessness is integral to creating a miniature h/c journey for the characters (panic –> helplessness –> rescue –> bonding).

Panic attacks actually have a pretty wide range of symptoms! Sometimes they're focused more on derealization reactions or heart racing (loads of people irl end up in the ER thinking they're having a heart attack, when it's actually a panic attack).

This specific portrayal of trauma as panic attacks is, I think, most egregious with characters who would actually fucking die if they had this exact trauma response. E.g., Jason Todd, who infamously both commits crimes and fights them. If he has a panic attack at every scum bag who waves a crow bar at him, he's probably getting beaten to death with a crowbar again. If even one of his regular criminal contacts or enemies catches wind that he has a crowbar panic attack weakness, he's dead! And this could be played for drama in this kind of fanfic, but it never is. (Because drama isn't the point, quick and dirty h/c is.)

Distilling his trauma about dying into panic attacks dismisses his entire history and canon trauma response (rage and vengeance and trying a completely different tactic from Batman to better the city of Gotham when the Red Hood is being a good guy and not just being a crime lord for profit). Here is a solid discussion on how Jason reacts to his own death (I'm new here and this essay is already long lol, I'm not citing whole comics runs or anything myself), with a great addendum from Ragnarok-hound in the tags on the Doylist reasons for why the canon goes over Jason's death again and again anyway.

The problem further stems from everyone learning panic attack symptoms from a combination of personal experience (which for the AO3 crowd in the shippy tags does not as often include people with uh combat or crime experience) and actual mental health web resources, so any panic attack scene reads like it was written by someone between high school and college age checking off a list of psych textbook panic attack symptoms. So it makes sense why they would go with the thing that is easiest to write for them and stick with the approved symptoms they know will garner the most sympathy from the audience and, importantly, other characters in the scene. E.g., to return to bullying WFA's portrayal, having Bruce arrive to tell Jason everything will be okay and fix everything.

(I think ymmv more on Bruce portrayals, depending on Your Preferred Batman, whether that's the corresponding era of comics with Red Hood, the animated series, or some campy/classic live action Batman portrayal, but one thing that is pretty consistent in every Batman media is that he's not fucking great at feelings, so even with a generous reading, WFA simplifies a lot of fraught history between Jason and Bruce here. Further, I could write an entire second essay on how bystanders in fanfic always have the perfect response, to either use the right therapy speak and handle a panic attack perfectly or hug the person to help them calm down or what have you, but this is long enough as it is. To be brief, though: sometimes, especially in a situation like Jason and Bruce's, it's perfectly normal to see someone panicking and then also panic and fuck things up even worse! It's also common to feel frustrated or tired of seeing someone panic over the same thing! Like I know fanfic and WFA are wish fulfillment, but like. There's a lot of nuance and basic trauma understanding missing here.)

And that brings us to another point, which is that PTSD triggers don't necessarily manifest as anxiety disorders and textbook panic attacks. I mean, this feels obvious, but there are a lot of ways to experience PTSD! and that's the thing about Jason Todd! He has trauma, not an anxiety disorder! While panic attacks as the default and most common trauma reaction are very common in fanfic, it's not like even the top most common trauma trigger reaction? And it's weird that it's everywhere like this. Trigger responses have a wiiiiide range, e.g., nightmares, lashing out (the Netflix Jessica Jones show was especially good at this actually! Billy Hargrove on Stranger Things is a fucking perfect example too), dissociation (The Raven Cycle books do a great job with this, and then the fanfic forgets that it happened entirely), or simply activating one's fight or flight instinct (and we've seen with Jason, it's often a fight instinct!). There are probably also loads of Batman comics exemplifying each of these variations, but a) as stated I'm new here, I don't have comprehensive citations for every character (yet) and b) I really want to illustrate how fanfic specifically keeps sticking to one particular portrayal in a way that most canons don't.

Jason Todd can be easily written as having a Specific Traumatic Incident (dying hideously via crowbar) or having complex PTSD (little daily bullshit! you can do an entire deep dive on complex PTSD resulting from poverty, homelessness, and regular repeated exposure to violence as a child e.g. by being Robin, which is not even getting into the stuff you can gather from popular hc/later retcons about his mom's drug use or how his dad's working for Two Face and getting sent to prison might have affected him; another example it's a common hc that he's straight edge because of what drugs may or may not have done to his mom depending on the canon you're working with, but I don't see a lot of people writing him with the corresponding control issues that often pair with that). There are a lot of options is what I'm saying.

WFA choosing to double down on the sound of a crowbar scraping (when also like he's the one using a crowbar for actual mechanic things in this scene, he's probably used to a variety of metal scraping sounds, okay I'm nitpicking here again) over any of the more complex trauma under his belt is very lazy writing. They're distilling his entire history to one specific sound that causes a very targeted panic response, which I know. Is the format. That's how WFA works, it's not supposed to be deep, but this is again, a pattern I keep seeing again and again in fanfiction (to bully another fandom: Stranger Things fans insisting that Steve Harrington is afraid of his own swimming pool when the canon strongly contradicts that; he's swim team captain for 3 years running after this AND that's actually Nancy's trauma reaction, not Steve's).

Again, the problem isn't necessarily specifically with WFA or people who enjoy it or with h/c. But, yeah, the crowbar scraping sounds panic attack is a huge disservice to Jason's character, and it's like a ubiquitous pattern of writing trauma in recent years.

[skinwalker-bratz]

Idk if you still Wanna answer any creepypasta shifting asks, but!!!

Do you have any fun stories from it? Like, just what it was like day-to-day. Or hanging out with any of them, etc etc- I'm shifting to a creepypasta dr so I'm curious what yours was like!! And how they looked, since you said yours was realistic.

-💀(Cus I'll definitely be back, you have a neat blog)

Thanks, don't worry I don't receive many asks so they don't bother me ☺️

Ayee I rediscovered my Tumblr password.

Now talking about my experience, I would say that it was somewhat... Traumatizing apart from the funny parts. Firstly, I shifted without any additional security and everything would be 100% realistic, in terms of appearance and personality of the creeps and I also put everyone inside a manor.

Leaving my room was more challenging than here at CR, and it wasn't because I was antisocial but because no one there contributed to socialization, but there were some that I managed to force friendship with.

Most of the creeps were not sociable people, as they are to serial killers and monsters, and everyone there seemed to have some abnormal mental problem. Even I ended up having problems just living with these guys, and when I returned to DR I spent a few months in a mini depression due to the experiences there. Firstly, monsters that eat human flesh and cannibals live in the mansion, and as this is their main dish there were always prisoners there, and just hearing the screams of those people being cut and prepared is already a good trauma.

The mansion looked like those abandoned madhouses that we see in urban exploration videos, because people like the creeps rarely clean the place in which they live. Most places smelled musty, and were dusty, and that's not even counting the pests like rats and cockroaches that occasionally appeared around. At least some people's rooms were clean including mine. And that was already a good reason not to want to wander around.

In this place you would only socialize if it was extremely necessary because talking to a creep feels more like a hardcore game of chess, In other words, you have to be careful not to be manipulated and have to manipulate the person as well. Even because you could never trust them, no matter how good people they may seem. Even Jane didn't seem trustworthy there and Sally was scary.

Not to mention the smell of those people, because besides them not being very clean with their environment, they have little notion of hygiene. I think EJ was one of the stinkiest there, because the guy must have had the personality of a cat or was allergic to water to avoid showering for so long. You could smell him from afar and the smell was more like that of a wet animal than that of a human being. And most of them smelled like that there, not to mention the sewage breath of those people.

And in appearance everyone was ugly as expected, everyone had common bodies, most were well toned because they needed strength to do their "work", right. And some there were fat, not too much, but you could see that they had an above average fat content but not too much because we had a very active life there.

In other words, in general it was shit without the funny parts of the stuff I did to pass the boredom there. Of course, some more bizarre things also happened there, like some creeps offering drugs in the mansion's corridors in exchange for items. Or every now and then there will always be a fighting there and people will gather to watch the fight.

And you could occasionally suffer from slendersickness, and it's horrible, the symptoms vary from person to person but what I had most was severe nausea and a lot of headache. Besides, my nose turned into a waterfall of blood. And no one would help you, not even your friends, the guys literally just watch or ignore you.

So never shift without safety or without having an idea of ​​how realistic you want the reality to be.

[tavyliasin]

Disability Pride Essays - Astarion, Complex Conditions, Specialised Diets, and Addiction

Today’s look into disability and BG3 is going to be around Astarion. Now, I will preface this with a very large “I’m not going to go into the obvious PTSD and trauma that he suffers, not because it isn’t important but because it really deserves an entire post of its own and one that I’ve been putting off for a while despite having 9 pages of it tucked away in a doc that has been there for months.” So instead I’m going to be looking at the other parallels that his unique condition provides, and the insight we can gain from that. I hope you’ll forgive me for skipping what is essentially the core of his story for now to instead focus in under the microscope at the smaller parts, but I really want to do that side of him justice outside of this essay series. With this in mind, I will be discussing topics which some might find triggering, including dietary restrictions and eating disorders, general mental illness, chronic fatigue, and also some of the controversial “cures” like the outdated and frankly barbaric uses of things like lobotomy. I’ve also got a short section discussing SH scars, and what ended up as quite a long section around addiction and substance use and how this can relate to the Ascension storyline. I have included headers for the sections so they can be skipped if needed. If you feel you are not in the right place to read about any of these right now, please do skip this entire post and I’ll see you for the next one. For everyone else, take a deep breath and we’ll dive in to Astarion and Disability.  And, as always, discussion is more than welcome - I would love to hear your views, opinions, and experiences if you are comfortable sharing them~

What is Astarion’s Disability?

Astarion can arguably represent a lot of different things in both mental and physical health. The specifics of vampirism leave him with some very complex needs, from dietary requirements to the sensitivity to sunlight without the tadpole, and we also see the downside of his needs not being met (he is literally weaker when he doesn’t get the blood he needs). There are also ways in which his mental health affects him outside of the specific trauma, which may well feel relatable to some. There are also ways to see his vampirism and the potential ending outcomes of it as being similar to a degenerative condition with a risky treatment path. Ascending him is, without a shadow of a doubt, the simplest and clearest way to overcome many of the downsides and difficulties that he experiences from vampirism, but it comes with a very large cost to it as well. It’s also an irreversible change, and one that can mirror some very drastic treatments that have been used in the past to treat psychological illnesses and even some developmental disorders.

How Do We See The Disability In The Game?

Quite simply, Astarion has lower stats if he hasn’t fed on blood. He also has weaknesses to damage types, and by the end if he remains a spawn we see clearly that he can no longer be in the direct sunlight. So we can also assume that any other downsides to being a vampire spawn are also going to return when the tadpole is no longer suppressing them. What we see more of in the game is how he deals with everything. His coping mechanisms of humour, deflection, and often overcompensation in some areas too. Often it becomes “gallows humour” for those of us suffering chronic conditions and disabilities - which, it’s important to remember, should really be reserved for those who are actually “on the gallows”. But we also see the genuine fear, the struggle, and the acceptance that if he remains a spawn he will not have many more days to walk in the sun. He has to give things up to be able to stay alive.

How Does This Reflect Real Life?

There are a lot of things here so I’ll try to go symptom by symptom. Astarion’s specific conditions can reflect a lot of aspects of a lot of conditions, so it’s harder to compare him to any single diagnosis. There are also a lot of complex health issues that share symptoms, making diagnosis harder in the first place - something I’m sure many of us are far too familiar with in misdiagnosis or just long times to actually find the cause of these symptoms. So anyway, my ramblings aside, let’s look at the most obvious one first. Astarion, no matter what path his story takes, needs to drink blood to thrive. He can survive on animal blood, but he is stronger - quite literally - when he has partaken of the blood of sentient beings (mainly living humanoid types). This is similar to those who have very specific dietary needs, including those who might need supplements or infusions to make up for deficiencies in how their bodies process food. Substitutes might stave off the worst of the deficiency, but the right things are needed to regain quality of life. I could also now make jokes about how relatable Astarion is with that pallid tone, because I, too, am the kind of being who makes white paper look tanned by comparison to my pasty flesh, but there’s a real comparison here too. On the milder end you have those of us who get sunburn easily, who need to use strong sun cream and often still cover up and seek shade, but there are rarer conditions where exposure to the sun can cause far more serious reactions. This can be expressed as a severe sunburn after very little exposure, or it might even be an allergy response that goes beyond the skin. Albinism is also rare and can include a person having very pale skin and hair (and though eyes tend to be in the more usual colours they can more often appear red or pink in photos), and equally means direct sunlight can be a hazard. For some this might be a lifelong condition, but for others it might be something that develops later which means a similar adjustment - no longer able to just go out in the sunshine as they might’ve done in the past, they need to adjust how they live. There are also those who experience other difficulties from sunlight, like those with migraines strongly triggered by the light, or even people who have Delayed Sleep Phase Disorder which impacts their ability to be awake and active in the daytime/daylight. Some vision and sight related difficulties might also be affected by the light, which can be partially aided by light blocking dark glasses, but this arguably still impacts a person’s life and lifestyle. The way the plot plays out can even potentially be a much less direct parallel to any chronic condition that has a period of remission before worsening again, necessitating a major lifestyle change. Whether this is physical health or even mental health, there are plenty of conditions that can result in someone being less able to leave the home - a similar isolation to not being able to go out in the light.

Disability and Scars

I am going to just briefly touch on the scars Astarion has - not from the trauma point of view, but instead that in the real world many of us have scars as a result of chronic illness. Whether this is from treatments to help conditions, from incidents that caused them, or even from the conditions themselves, scars can be a constant physical reminder and something people can feel uncomfortable about others seeing. This could also represent self harm, which I would argue is a symptom of severe mental health difficulties.  I know I certainly had plenty of years where I made myself uncomfortable to hide scars. Covering up with clothing even when the weather is hot, feeling discomfort at romantic partners seeing scars from harm or from surgery, even feeling the discomfort in myself to see those reminders of illness. This is something I have become much more comfortable with over time, though granted recovery and support have helped a great deal there. Coming to that understanding that I don’t have to always associate the marks with the pain of their cause, that even if I don’t love them, that I can accept them as they are. A record of what was, of the things that I have survived.

And that’s perhaps where the strength can be found in Astarion’s scars from his story. They’re not always going to be a reminder of the pain that caused them, but over time can instead be a reminder of everything that was not powerful enough to take him down.

We are all stronger than our darkest days, and being alive is proof that nothing has been enough to take us out of the race yet. Which isn’t to say we should be complacent, careless, or take risks. I think it’s more like a middle finger to a bursting appendix, or a dark period of mental health, or any number of ways the world leaves its mark more visibly on our bodies. A map not of our weakness but the strength and tenacity to go on, even if it was hard, even if we struggled. That matters.

Dietary Needs and Food Ethics

I think it is also worth looking at a little bit of dietary needs here, but from a different angle. A specialised diet can have some more nuanced issues towards it, including an aspect of morality and guilt. Whilst we don’t see a lot of guilt from Astarion over drinking blood - other than if he goes too far when the player allows him to take a taste and he apologises - there arguably can be, particularly if he remains a spawn and frees the other spawn. At that point in his arc, he doesn’t seem to revel in the idea of the thousands of spawn feeding on the citizens of Baldur’s Gate and beyond. Whilst I don’t want to go into a discussion on the ethics of certain diets in the real world - that is a choice for each individual to make alone based on their own morals and health needs - I think it is important to recognise that sometimes what a person needs to nourish their body might not match up with their personal ethics. For example, animal products. There are some people out there who cannot get enough nutritional value from a vegan diet, even if they did have plenty of time and money to manage it properly with all the best medical supervision and supplements in the world, quite simply put there are allergies and other digestive issues that can make this impossible. Other things like income, time, energy, and ability to cook can also impact how practical certain food choices are for people. This can result in the individual feeling frustration or guilt at not being able to make the decisions they would like to for themselves, and even facing pressure from peers who are not willing to understand that there are some circumstances that make certain choices impossible. The same can apply for people who struggle with food variety, and can apply to other ethical food concerns like the source of the food production, environmental concerns, and humanitarian concerns like fair trade goods. Whilst in an ideal world we would all be able to stick to our moral and ethical values in all things, at the end of the day we need to ensure we are getting the basic nutrition we need within our means. Some people also need to buy pre-prepared foods with more packaging, not because they don’t care about the environment but because they are physically unable to prepare the food otherwise. It’s something I see criticism a lot from abled people who don’t take into account how someone might not be able to safely cut their own fruit or afford to have someone to do it for them. Pre-packaged and prepared foods allow us to have choices, variety, proper nutrition, and not to forget another big point in this one: independence. So whether dietary needs come from allergies, digestive issues, long term chronic illness, or even from neurodiverse conditions that make it difficult for people to tolerate certain flavours and textures, there are a lot of things that can impact our foods and food choices. And the most important bottom line is that we are fed. That we get the best nutrition that we can within our own limits, whatever those might be.

The Cures and Their Downsides

Here’s the big one. And we are going to be talking about the downsides of the Ascension storyline here, and how it can parallel the difficulties of seeking relief from certain conditions. In the game, when Ascension is the chosen route, what we see is a marked change in personality - one that arguably is the worse outcome for the character in terms of who he is as a person and his continuing the cycle of abuse rather than breaking free from it. I am not, however, here to judge anyone who enjoys that storyline. I’m not going to tell you what you should or shouldn’t do with a fictional character, a fantasy story, and a situation that is not actually real or affecting any real people in the slightest. We are here to look at how this can mirror the experience of disability, which is a heavier topic in its own ways.

In the horrifyingly not-that-distant past, people with severe disabilities did not receive caring treatment. They were subjected to horrifying experimental treatments in the desperation that either they or their loved ones had for finding a cure for their conditions. This included treatments that drastically altered their personalities and decision making, like lobotomies. Early forms of ECT - electro-convulsive-therapy - were also not as well tested as they are today and were used a lot more frequently than perhaps they should have been, leading to potential lasting damage (modern ECT is a proven treatment for a limited range of conditions, but it is only used for severe cases that have not responded to any other treatments and is far better regulated at this point in time). Even now, people who are suffering with an illness or disability might look to very drastic or extreme remedies that might not be the most rational choice for their well-being or for those around them. It can also still arguably change how they act towards others, similarly to how Astarion takes on a different persona once he has Ascended compared to how he is if he remains a Spawn. 

This is again where it gets more painful for some of us to discuss, because it can touch on the topic of addiction.

Astarion, Addiction and Disability

Addiction in itself is an illness, and more often than not stems from other severe issues like trauma, chronic physical conditions, and other psychological difficulties. At the core, this can be an attempt at self medicating - arguably we could see Astarion treating blood and sex like a substance that he is using in this parallel too. Something so he doesn’t have to deal with his reality, something that dulls the pain that he has chosen to perpetuate instead of facing in this option. Addiction to substances in life can be very similar - sometimes even starting in a similar manner: “If I have this, I’m stronger and better, I’m safer because I’m stronger too, so I will continue to have it. More than the minimum to get by, because I need it.” For some it’s an escape, for others an attempt to cure a problem that hasn’t been treated any other way, but the result can end up the same - they might be the same person on the inside, but to the outside, to the people around them, they’ve changed. Become something else. Luckily, though given how unfortunate someone generally is to be caught in the jaws of addiction in the first place, the real world does have support and treatment for sufferers. It’s not an irreversible Ascension, even if there are some who might treat it that way. Granted there are of course actions that someone might take whilst intoxicated that are far more severe and can’t be taken back, I’m not trying to minimise that in any way, the point really is that addiction can be helped and treated if the individual is willing. Again this could even be another mirror through Astarion’s story. Cazador could be an allegory for a substance, something someone turned to in their darkest hour, or even genuinely needed to survive in the case of prescription medications. Then perhaps gaining the tadpole is a period of sobriety, where the sufferer makes new friends outside of the addiction, ones who support making more changes and staying free from substance use.

Then there are his siblings, who might well be those still under the influence, leading to that most difficult choice. To pursue recovery alone, to try and help those who he knows are also suffering under the same problem which might make his own recovery harder, or to fall back into the same patterns. The more I think on this allegory - literally didn’t plan it out this way, it came to me whilst writing this piece - it really does feel very fitting as a mirror to that story and not one that I’ve seen discussed before. In addiction, one of the things that can more often keep pulling people back is being around others suffering the same addiction as they enable one another to continue the substance use and justify it to one another. “We don’t have a choice, it’s our best option, actually it’s pretty good” - and all this despite the suffering. There is a strong aspect of denial to those suffering addiction, it is much more difficult for them to see the impact on themselves - much like how Astarion can’t see his reflection, or the scars on his back and what they mean. Honestly I’m starting to feel like this could be a piece all of its own, so I won’t go much further than this and instead leave it to anyone who has bravely read this far - would you like to see more of a discussion around the realities of addiction and how Astarion’s story can parallel the experiences of those who suffer from it?  And just to end this section for now I will make this very clear - addiction stems from suffering, and is very very rarely something that a person consciously chooses to fall into. Whilst I recognise the all too real pain and negative impact on those who are close to people suffering from addiction, it should be treated as a severe illness and given some measure of compassion and understanding where possible rather than judging every single sufferer purely by the fact that they are struggling with addiction. Of course you do not have to forgive someone who has done terrible things to fuel a habit or whilst under the influence, but most often the only way for them to recover, to not repeat the same hurt again and again, is to get the appropriate help from those who are fully qualified to do so.

It is arguably a chronic illness, and one that can be disabling, as well as a condition that can be brought about by disability itself as people seek ways to cope with the physical and psychological impact of disability.

What We Can Learn From Astarion’s Story

There’s an awful lot here, honestly, but I think if we strip it right back it circles back around to one thing in every section: These issues are complex. Although it might look one way from the outside, if we take the time to truly listen to and understand the depth of the individual and their unique situation, we will find that there is more to it than it may have appeared. Just how we find through the game the depth of Astarion’s pain through his past, how we see his interactions changing as he opens up and lets go of the mask that has kept him safe for a very long time, if we take that time with real people who have complex and unique difficulties we will be more able to understand their needs and ensure they are met. This might simply be not judging someone’s choices in food or drink, or it could be lowering the lights and closing the curtains for someone who is struggling with the bright sun. We can also learn to show that compassion to ourselves, and accept that though we might have scars that we cannot remove, they do not define us. They do not own us. Those scars aren’t proof that someone or something was strong enough to hurt us, they are proof that we were strong enough to survive, and even better to keep on living and finding joy in life beyond that basic survival too. To regain ownership of ourselves as the scars fade. We can’t get rid of them, not entirely, just like we can’t erase the past that caused them (whether through accident, surgery, or otherwise). What we change is how we see them, how we accept them as a part of our whole.  And there is another core right there - whether it is disability, chronic illness, or trauma, we do what we need to survive in the moment until we can move beyond it. We can’t erase our history, but we can learn from it and know that it is just one page in our story. So, keep filling your pages out there. Tell the story only you can tell, the one you’re writing as you live each moment. Find the meaning in your own narrative.

Above all, be kind to yourself and those around you. We never know what scars are on the backs of others unless they show us, just as they can’t know ours either.

[peach-and-bugs]

Yellowjackets Theory (little to no spoilers)

I really wanna talk about my Yellowjackets theory, because I enjoy all the other ones but for whatever reason think mine is the most obvious so much so that it feels like a dead gov away which is why I think it’s right I guess.

Noting supernatural is happening. Not in the woods or in the present day. Nothing supernatural has ever been happening, and that’s the point.

A huge theme of the show is mental illness in woman and how it’s overlooked and seen as something that needs to be fixed rather than helped, and that is what’s going on with our girls. All of them has something going on at home or with themselves before they crashed, and it already was being ignored, so it only became more exacerbated with the addition of an immense life changing trauma, like being trapped in the wild for 19 months and needing to resort to cannabis to survive. Anyone with preexisting mental illness would have their whole worldview destroyed.

And I think Lottie has always been the prime example and indicator of this. She’s been schizophrenic since childhood. The medication she was taking if prescribed to treat and manage symptoms of schizophrenia. And, she went though a very rigorous withdrawal, having to go cold turkey on hard drugs that she’s likely been taking since she was extremely little. Probably as little as she was in the flashback of her with the car accident. That’s going to cause some major issues very quickly with someone’s psyche.

And all the “prophecies” Lottie has seen have just been convenient coincidences. The “visions” she has are part of her withdrawal, part of her actual mental illness as well as the hunger she eventually experiences. And all of the other girls are also experience hunger induced delusions. Part of why they believe so fiercely in what Lottie say is because they’ve lost faith in everything around them. They realize no god or man will save them, but they have Lottie. Lottie, in their eyes, is a miracle worker because her coincidences keep them alive.

Now, you might be asking about Tai, and she’s a whole other story. Tai is also extremely mentally ill. Her other personality is theorized to be because she could have DID, or dissociative identity disorder, where other Tai developed as some way of protecting Taissa. And personally, I think it’s possibly that the man with no eyes could also be an alter of hers, as she seems to be the only one seeing him, other than her grandmother. However, her grandmother would likely be completely unreliable and delusional as she was in the middle of dying as she saw him.

Tai has also developed a stressed induced variant of pica that other Tai is perpetrating called Geophagia, which is straight up just earth consumption. And other Tai going to all of the carvings could just be out Tai seeing them during the day and other Tai returning to them at night.

Another huge part of this explanation is that all of our girls, no matter how much we love them, are extremely unreliable narrators to their story, because we are learning their story from them directly. Their perception is warped and just really fucked up and they probably struggle discerning what is real and what isn’t. And honestly that’s part of why I love this show, because it’s so human. All the obsession and drastic decisions are due to extreme mental illness and ptsd stored up into a reality fucking perception of reality due to desperation.

[kaija-rayne-author]

Is Solas neurodivergent?

Of course, unless Weekes confirms one way or another, we'll never actually know. But I'd like to point out a few things.

Firstly. I'm autistic/ADHD, so are my kids and I've been an advocate for invisible disabilities, especially those two, for almost a decade now.

I offer an option on my Patreon for parents (or even just people) who need or want advice.

I have a little bit of a clue here. (More like a massive clue by nuke, but I digress ��.)

Why I code Solas from Dragon Age: Inquisition as neurodivergent.

1. Mentally ill fits under the neurodivergent (ND) umbrella. There's no way on Thedas that Solas isn't mentally ill.

(Yes, it really does fit. I'm not going to entertain arguments on the topic. It originally meant 'autistic' it no longer means that and hasn't for a long while. Neurodivergent brains = brains that work in any way other than 'the average'.) The antonym is Neurotypical. I tend to abbreviate them. Neurodivergent = ND, Neurotypical = NT.

At the very least, he likely has survivor syndrome. I'd wager on Depression and CPTSD too. (I have these conditions and am comfortable with saying he has a lot of the traits.) The guy was the leader of an enslaved elves rebellion and a war against the Evanuris. In his own words, he got his hands bloody.

No matter who you are, violence, whether you're the perpetrator or the victim, causes trauma to the psyche. And it went on for actual ages. An Age, in The Dragon Age franchise, is considered to be 100 years, so for hundreds of years, if not thousands, this dude has been fighting. Humans can get CPTSD just from a bad childhood. There's no way he hasn't developed it too.

Survivor syndrome is the response of a person when they believe they have done something wrong by surviving a traumatic event when others did not, often feeling self-guilt. (Can we classify Solas clearly with this? Yes, yes we can.)

He wakes up in a world so horrific to him that he can't even conceive of the people as people.

That's a type of disassociation, which is a symptom of many mental illnesses. Depression is the most obvious. He fucked up, he knows it, he's now trapped in a hellscape. (Heeee, we're all trapped in a dystopian hellscape right now and Depression is on the rise, the correlation is there.)

Disassociation is feeling disconnected from yourself and/or the world around you. For example, you may feel detached from your body or feel as though the world around you is unreal.

There could be a few other things there. He'd be a classic case for Disassociative Identity Disorder, for instance, but given the shit rep on the topic, I'm not going there.

2. ADHD

ADHD is still not very well understood by the average person. Sometimes people think it means we can't hold still. But a lot of the time, the H-Hyperactivity portion is only evident in our brains. For me, for instance, I have to constantly be feeding my brain written stuff or I get very antsy and uncomfortable. (ADD no longer exists, we're all ADHD now.) It's why i developed the habit of reading encyclopedias for fun. (Yes, I really do this.)

Solas is constantly reading, or studying, or thinking.

He shows a pretty typical type of temper for an ADHDer several times. Our tempers can be hot, flaring up suddenly for seemingly unexpected reasons. He absolutely does that. Now, there's always a reason for it, but few people on the outside of us will be aware of whatever the issue is.

ADHDers can also experience incredibly fast (compared to neurotypicals) shifts in emotion. Solas does this. Especially in the after the well of sorrows/pre-breakup scene and the break up scene itself. He see-saws emotionally a lot.

He's incredibly creative. He paints (and probably draws at least a little to paint the way he does). So many neurodivergent people are incredibly creative.

Snark. Many ADHDers tend to be snarky or sarcastic because of, well, everything that usually happens to us in life. The snark and salt simply spill out of Solas. Especially on the 'make him hate you' route through the game. Or any time he's around Vivienne.

Finally, ADHDers very frequently have a deep seated drive to change the world and make it better. Stares at Solas. Yup!

3. Autistic

So, firstly, let me say that most people don't understand what autism is or what autistics look and act like.

As an autistic/ADHD person, my experience of life is completely different from a neurotypicals simply because my brain is wired differently.

Reminder that you can't see autism or ADHD. You can sometimes see common comorbids, but without a brain scan, you cannot see autism or ADHD.

I connected and empathize so heavily with Solas because he's a well written, complex character, and because I love anti-heros.

But also because he's exhibits the exact same type of autistic/ADHD traits that I have. (Both autism and ADHD come in different flavours.) Seeing that rep in a triple AAA game was an incredibly powerful experience.

Even though, given Bioware's absolutely shit rep re: disability, it had to be accidental. I credit Weekes with that rep. I read on Twitter they were recently dxd with one or the other (ADHD or Autism, I honestly can't remember which. And up to 80% of ADHDers are also autistic.)

Solas practices esoteric arts. It's a common thing for many autists & ADHDers to learn and practice arts that just aren't as common anymore. Mine? I spin with a spinning wheel, drop spindle, or Andean hand spinner. I make maps. There's several other strange hobbies and skills I've picked up along the way too.

He shows hyperfocus several times in the game. (Hyperfocus is a trait of both ADHD and Autism.)

He stims with his hands a lot. Especially in the kiss scene. I don't recall seeing any of the other characters do this. I'm not talking about the 'dry hand wash' movements most of the characters do. Solas does a thing I do, taps the tips of his fingers against each other. Whoever did his modelling (is that the right term for making a game character?) understood neurodivergency or are ND themselves. Whether they know it or not.

You could even call his painting a type of stimming.

Stimming is where someone will use repetitive motions or sounds to self-soothe. It's really bad to prevent an autistic/ADHDer from using their stims.

I used to have to have a book on my person at all times. I'm late diagnosed, so I didn't know I was using the books as both a stim and a comfort item.

Solas has something autists call 'flat face effect'. Basically, his face is a bit masklike. He doesn't show emotions strongly on his face or in his body language (unless you make him angry 😅 which is also pretty typical for many of us). I've seen rather a lot of discourse about how emotionless Solas appears. I can read him easily, the emotive cues are there, just subtle, like they would be in an autistic & or ADHD person.

He's a decent actor. Now, most autists will agree that we're not innately good at lying or acting. But we're also really good at acting, at least, many of us are by the time we're adults. It comes from having to mask (autistic masking) almost every second of every day just to survive. Masking kills us. So it's not good that we are forced to do it. But it does make many of us incredible actors.

Anthony Hopkins is argueably one of the best actors of the past several decades. He's openly autistic. And he's spoken of how he got to be a good actor. Dan Ackroyd and Darryl Hannah are a couple of others who are out about it. I code a lot of other creatives as being one or the other, but it’s considered rude to assign a diagnosis like that to a living person. That's for them to do.

Solas managed to stay hidden as a 'unwashed apostate hobo' for however long the Inquisition took to fix things. I've seen estimates of 18 months to 2 years. That's a looooong time to be acting like something you're definitely not.

We see in Trespasser that he's not like that at all. But he still sold it so well his reveal at the end of the game shocked many people.

He's a nerd. An absolute nerd about the fade. Nerdery isn't solely the domain of autistics and ADHDers, but it’s a really common trait.

He's stand-offish.

Many autists and ADHDers are rather stand-offish with people for a variety of reasons.

1) We've been hurt so many times because of people refusing to do half the work of communicating with us. (Trust me, autistics and ADHDers are trying ALL THE TIME to communicate with neurotypicals. Y'all could pick up your part of things, y'know?)

2) We've been rejected so often for a genetic condition(s) we can't change. But accommodations for us, which are usually pretty simple and often help neurotypical people too, are considered 'too much'. There's something called RSD that most, if not all, autistic and ADHD folks experience. Rejection Sensitivity Disorder is a bitch kitty and there's no dealing with it well. It hurts.

3) We're often stand-offish while we try to figure out whatever social rules exist in that space/time. We often warm up when we know (or think we know) the rules. Or once we get to know people.

4) Solas is often alone, he's rarely pictured as being with anyone else other than Cole and the Inquisitor. NDs often end up either pushed to the edge of the crowd, or we choose to stay distant as a preventative measure so we aren't rejected.

Food sensitivities: Solas utterly loathes tea. There's a whole cutscene about it. (Fun fact, Solas doesn't like tea because Weekes doesn't.) But that extreme reaction to a relatively innocuous drink is a classic example of a food sensitivity. Most autistics and ADHDers have food or texture sensitivities or both. I can't abide raw tomatoes, and I'll get the urge to cry if I touch corduroy fabric.

Sensitivities can really be anything, but if you know someone who has them, please understand we're not trying to be difficult or to ask for extra attention or to make trouble. The modern world is frankly hell for most autistics and many ADHDers. Brain scans of us when we’re exposed to our sensitivities show that they actually are causing us physical pain. Pain centres in the brain light up like a Yule tree.

Solas is quiet, until he's not. Then he'll talk your ear off. This is pretty common for many of us too.

Solas and the fade. Special interest, anyone?

Special interests: Most autistics and ADHDers have Special interests. It's something that can utterly enthrall us. We tend to want to learn everything we possibly can about the subject we're fascinated with. And we love to share that information. In something called 'infodumping' we're trying to connect with other people. It's one of the ways many of us say we care about someone. By sharing our favourite things. We're also deeply penalized for something we can't change, there, too.

We deeply enjoy the thing and want to share our enjoyment with people we like/love. This can utterly backfire on us, but it doesn't change the urge to share. Often until our audience is giving us the 'dead fish face'. It's where the person's eyes are a little glazed over and they look a bit concussed. Anyone who has ever taught a class of students or is a parent or child caretaker, or is autistic/ADHD knows the look I'm talking about.

I'll stop blabbing for now, but those are most of the reasons I heavily code Solas as autistic/ADHD/mentally ill. Or, in another word. Neurodivergent.

Thanks for reading! If you have the wherewithal I'm a disabled mom of two disabled kids and a tip would help more than you can probably understand. Another way to help is to become a patron. My work of words is my only income and we live well under the poverty line. Like a lot of other neurodivergent people do.

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[queer-nervous-wolf]

Watched I Saw the Tv Glow and jfc I need 3-5 business days to process and after that watch it 10 more times. I think it can be read in many different lights and be a allegory to lots of different things. Being the weird kid, being neurodivergent, especially autistic, being queer, gay, being trans being nonbinary being so so mentally ill and different symptoms of mental disorders and trauma.

Long rambles under the keep reading, Spoilers

Do you want to interpret it as more "literal" ok so owen has to go back to save himself (still very trans no matter what obv) somehow they've been transported to hellish 'realistic" world and are dying in their graves while plugged into the lunar matrix. You have to wake up.

Maddy was actually not doing mentally well, experiencing delusions, massive disassociation that her and owen shared. Owen disassociating most of his life. Finding safety in the made up world. Finding safety and peace in dying. Mental breakdowns. Only way to be free is to be in a grave. Shared delusions. Shared experiencing some mental illness that is only treated as bad or hurt by ones who should help you. Different scenes could be interpretation as suicide attempts. ( To be completely honest when Owen has the box cutter I genuinely thought he was "freeing and seeing" himself finally but it was gonna cut to his coworker finding his dead bleeding body. Glad it wasn't that.)

Feeling like you dont belong for whatever reason (queer, trans, neurodivergent, traumatized) (for me personally this is a very autistic fear/experience) so you sink into a made up world with another weird person. They are the only one who gets it. Your reality is shoved In your face (your mom dies). The show ends. Your friend disappears/moves/dies. You are alone. You are weird. You go through the motions but nothing feels right, real, you are suffocating. You are trying so hard to mask but you can't do it right. Your friend shows up and tells you that your can make your life as good as when you were watching your favorite show. Your life can be that happy, that show. But it's gonna hurt and there's gonna be a lot of change and uncertainty. You're to scared, you choose to stay in the hell you know, to scared about the unknown and uncertain. You do nothing because you are so scared of doing something. Have opportunities past you? Could you have been happier? Can you be happier? You have to move to find out. Change is the most terrifying part. Why can't you just take a step forward? You are suffering where you are but changing is scary you are frozen. You're suffocating to death, your heart is cold and scared. Could you have been happier already if you had done something earlier? Is there any point? Both edges of the sword are digging into you. You finally snap and realize you want something to change. Now you just have to do it.

Being trans. I interpreted the scene where Maddy invited Owen to run away with her it's also inviting him to come out of the closet. He's so fucking scared. He cleans his skin raw and hides himself. He continues playing the boy role given to him. Maddy was reborn but it fucking hurt getting to the point where she's at now. And now she's come back for him. For Isabel. Open your eyes. He views him trying on a dress, being Isabel something as a silly things kids do, as fake as the show. His dad tells him that show is a girl show. His dad dies and now he "has to become a real man" jfc he's killing himself. Looks back at his childhood and thinks how childish he was to dress/act like a girl. He had a family he's happy (he's playing the man role as best he can. This is what is expected right?) He is surrounded by coworkers and kids and he realizes he can't fucking do this anymore. He's dying like this. He will die if nothing happens.

There is still time

He finally looks inside himself. He sees more then a empty hole. There is something. He hasn't lost everything. He is still so apologetic to others, apologizing for his existence especially because it's "complicated" and not fitting the role. But there's hope. It doesn't matter how old he is. Maybe he will bury himself and crawl out of the ground as Isabel. Maybe Tara will be there. Maybe he'll finally able to breathe, to find his heart. He's made a first step.

[longsightmyth]

Honestly one of the biggest problems here is that everyone has the same bland, stilted dialogue, and it's all designed to hit every beat of every tortured romance ever without giving us the tortured romance. There did not used to be anything getting in the way of Kelsey and Ren banging outside of my own deep conviction that he was gross, but the characters don't share that view.

So when all the characters speak exactly the same way, it makes them all blend together. When they all speak like wikipedia pages or like a ten year old wrote a conversation they think adults would have, it just adds to the bland and emotionless effect.

Observe.

“Hmm, maybe you have PTSD.”

“What’s that?”

“Post-traumatic stress disorder. It’s a condition you get when you’ve been exposed to terrible trauma and high stress levels. Soldiers in combat usually have it. Remember when you told Kishan that when you heard my name, all you could picture was Lokesh torturing you, questioning you?”

“Right. There’s still some of that, I guess. But now that I know you better I don’t associate you with him as much anymore. I can distance that from you now. It wasn’t because of you that it happened.”

“Part of your symptoms with me might still be related to that. Maybe you need a therapist.”

Ren chuckled, “Kelsey, first of all, a therapist would put me in an asylum for claiming I was a tiger. Second, I’m no stranger to bloody battles or pain. It wasn’t the first time Lokesh has tortured me. It was definitely an experience I wouldn’t want to go through again, but I know that you are not to blame.”

This is by no means the Wikipediaest of sections, but bear with me.

(Also the Tiger question could be resolved by simply turning into a tiger, and even if the therapist did think you were hallucinating or having delusions and good therapist would still try to help you with your ptsd)

(How does Ren know about asylums but not shellshock/ptsd)

(Undergoing similar traumas does not mean you can't have ptsd from one or both)

ANYWAY BEAR WITH ME.

"Maybe you have PTSD," I said, almost to myself.

"PTSD?" Ren asked, sounding out the letters clearly and individually rather than running them all together.

I winced. "Post-traumatic stress disorder. It's a thing a lot of soldiers get, from combat and all the other trauma."

Since I didn't have a whole lot of expert knowledge on the specifics of PTSD, I added quickly, "You told Kishan that when you heard my name, all you could think about was Lokesh torturing you. That's a thing, I think? A flashback."

"Oh, shellshock." Off my look he pointed out, "I was alive during the Great War, Kelsey."

"Right."

"Anyway, that doesn't happen anymore," Ren assured me a little too quickly, and when I frowned at him clarified, "Not often. I know it wasn't your fault. I can tell myself that and it works sometimes."

"I think it's pretty clear you're going to deal with that for a long time," I said, trying not to sound as hurt as I was. "You probably need a therapist."

Ren cracked a laugh. "I'm sure a therapist would believe me about the curse. I'll recover. This isn't the first time I've fought for my life, or even the first time I've been tortured."

I didn't think how many times somebody was tortured mattered much in the grand scheme, but I also didn't think I was going to convince an ancient Indian prince who's been living as a tiger for more than a hundred years to go to therapy in one night.

Even in a linear conversation there's going to be give and take outside of specific circumstances. In a first person narration, you get to add an internal monologue to circle in and around for more fun hijinks. Since this specific conversation is a slow one happening without particular urgency, breaking up the dialogue can convey a thoughtful or slow discussion. Giving the characters specific knowledge or different knowledge or the same kind of knowledge under different terms because the characters have different backgrounds informs the characters and makes them distinguishable from the others.

Anyway. This isn't the only way to rework this bit, but it's A way.