#i need him in a way thats concerning to my therapist

[moomin279]

"You'll never recover from that kind of devotion." — For Your Own Good, Leah Horlick

[romanarose]

Life update if anyone cares.

I only post this bc i was posting my depressing shit for months and a lot of people were reaching out in concern <3

cw sever depression, self harm, suicide, csa, SA, all the bad. but also lots of good <3

TLDR: Despite a god-awful semester, i got all a's and b's

Everyone thats been following me the last few months has seem my personal posts about how fucking awful things have been for me.

I've dealt with fact I can no longer deny that what happened to me was CSA, despite being on a milder side of things. That sparked an absolutely spiral. I didnt sleep for months which made things worse. School, I got an F on a midterm and i NEVER get F's on writing assignments.

Work had its complications and i quit and then rescinded that quit two days later. I was so constantly depressed in my dorm my roommate literally told me i needed to go to the basketball game with them bc i was sitting in a depression hovel none stop. I only went to services twice this whole time, one shabbat and once for Rosh Hoshannah.

I burned the ever living fuck out of my fingers, yall remember that one? lol.

In novemeber i had relapsed so severely on self harm i thought i had accidentally killed myself. I should've called 911. I thought I was bleeding out and/or going into shock. I then worked myself up more by going down pages of the internet about medical shook and people dying from it. that did not help my heart rate. I couldn't stand, I couldnt see straight for a while.

I could not afford an ambulance or a hospital stay as i am uninsured and only ork 25 hours a week. not a lot of money.

All this happened and I didn't miss work. This is not a brag, this is me not being able to makegood choices for myself.

Finally, thanksgiving break hit. Thank fucking god. I WANTED to use those 4 days of absolutely nothing to get to my TWO BIG RESEARCH PAPERS I HADNT STRTED YET but alas, I was SICK. I was so sick, in fact, and so hoped up on cough medicine for 3 days i was incomprehensible.

I was so physically ill, i couldnt even think about how mentally ill i was. I slept and slept and slept. And by the time sunday hit, I felt so recharged.

My failed midterm was so bad and so not me my professsor reached out to me. Im close with him (in a v appropriate way lol, hes a bruce springsteen fan too) and i felt comfortable telling him essentially that for a few months there things were severe, and I really should've gone in for a 72 hour hold multiple times and i was not safe. through a few lines of resources, I ended up back in therapy bc my school added a new therapist that is a woman (i stopped going last year bc i didnt like seeing a man)

I like my new therapist.

Anway, in about 2 weeks I wrote 2 12 page research papers, 2 book report papers, 1 science paper did 2 presentations, took 2 finals, wrote 2 more finals with essay questions, and at the end of it all, not only did I not fail any classes...

I GOT ALL A'S AND B'S! Which means my gpa is still high enough to renew my scholarship for my last year

I am so fucking proud of myself for accomplishing all this despite suffering so fucking badly. I havnt felt pain like that in years, just agony.

I had a down turn again over christmas bc my siblings were literally ass, upto and including making fun of me for not ating (i am multiple accounts of sexual trauma from several people, so im scared of dating), making fun of my eating, and my sister slapping me and my older brother hitting me. Was a bad time. But for right now, im in the place im staying for break (all january) im back at my old day care and they love me, and olive garden at this store has been going great

Im hoping next semester to be better, im hopful at least

Anyway, thank you so much to everyone who has supported my writing has supported me through these times. It makes me happy that i came her to share my silly little moon knight x reader series, not really intending on writing a whole lot, but next thing i know, i have friends and a lil community. so thank you <3

[suffarustuffaru]

We need more re:zero fanfics that are just characters being forced to go to therapy. Subaru is ordered by the Royal Knights to attend weekly sessions (that secretly double as interrogations, though due to patient confidentiality the therapist is only able to pass on information that regards other people being put in danger) and the therapist stumbles out of there every week needing a drink because trying to make something coherent out of a conversation with Natsuki Subaru concerning anything related to his fluctuating emotional state and the very obvious/mysterious trauma underpinning all of his actions is practically an Olympic sport — and that was before unearthing his self-harm habit, severe inferiority complex, and what may be suicidal tendencies. Reinhard is so emotionally repressed that he’s refusing to let himself feel anything even regarding having to face off against his grandmother’s corpse and his superiors keep walking back the meager process any sessions manage to make. Otto seems perfectly normal and then he mentions being willing to die for Subaru’s sake as soon as three days after he met him. Ram just sits there glaring for the full hour and a half. Wilhelm uses the time to express his latest revenge plot in very well thought out detail. Heinkel is such a horrible mess that I can’t even make a joke out of what he’d do to that poor therapist’s emotional state. Roswaal doesn’t seem to realize what therapy IS. That poor therapist is in Hell.

anon ive always wanted to see something like this for sure HAH its just such a fascinating idea?? especially when 99% of people in the rz cast desperately need extensive therapy 😭😭 but yeah theres different ways you could take an idea like this and the conditions you set are really interesting.

the idea of it being a therapist appointed by the government, essentially, who’s also there to gather information (but keeps at least some details hidden for the sake of their patients) so the government can keep a leash on certain characters (subaru and reinhard particularly) + subaru is still locked by rbd taboo of course is so fascinating to me. of course—is it ideal conditions for therapy? hell no lmao 😭😭 but its a super good in universe explanation as to why theyre getting therapy (other than all of them being Mentally Unwell)—and given the therapist and everyone in the cast minus subaru and al are working with medieval knowledge, the odds were not in their favors anyway oops. and this is assuming that the cast has the BEST THERAPIST IN THE FANTASY WORLD POSSIBLE for this!! haah theyve got a real difficult job ahead of them.

and also an idea like this is difficult to write. ive always wanted a “rz cast goes to therapy” fic hah but writing the FULL cast is tricky!! tbh id feel bad not including at least a good chunk of the cast in a fic like this given SO MANY of them desperately need therapy. and this idea is Extremely character focused—you have to know every character’s intimate traumas and flaws and personalities to pull this sort of thing off. its inherently in depth character exploration, and depending on how Good you want the therapist character to be, youd probablyyy have to do at least a bit of research (??) (unless you have personal experience in this department already??) there on. how to write a therapist? but thats just me getting fixated on the practical aspects of this wkdndn this is definitely why we havent really seen much fic on this sort of idea yet. i think itd work really well as a collab though, possibly!! you can devote a therapy session to one character per chapter or something and mix it up later the further it goes on <3 or at least thats my idea for this at the moment. i think one therapy session per chapter would be very good leadup though in a Hypothetical Fic about this, and you then have the time to explore each character in depth and introduce each of them!!

ok as for the examples you gave anon—HAH yeah thats a good summary for sure 😭😭 again, this is interesting because these are Not good conditions for therapy.

they all think with their medieval knowledge. subaru cant talk about rbd and everything related to it, which is his biggest core trauma. reinhards superiors dont want him to improve because hes their perfect malleable obedient weapon right now and they chose to break him like that. they probably wont want heinkel to improve much either, given theres implications that people like russell fellow purposely helped make heinkel Worse (such as the false rumors that he kidnapped one of the royal familys kids). and also regarding characters like heinkel—he wont improve if he doesnt get some sort of rehab on top of the therapy akdnd and he wont improve if he doesnt make an effort either. and also i know theres characters like petra who are way more normal compared to everyone else and shes not in dire need of therapy unlike everyone else, but id argue petra should at least have a check up because girl is a twelve year old thats been shoved into life threatening events recently okay 😭😭 AND the astreas are gonna need some hardcore family therapy wkdndn theyll just need individual sessions first to work up to that……… but will the kingdom really allow that to happen either?

yeah so the therapist is in for a reckoning in general 😭😭 with the plot you gave anon—if the therapist genuinely tries their best, this could result in some friction. the therapist hears out all these big important people related to the royal selection—roswaal, the astreas, various other emilia camp members, and people from other factions im sure (such as julius, joshua, ferris, crusch, etc)—but the therapist is held back from fully helping all of them because the kingdom keeps them all on a leash, including the therapist themselves. will the therapist succumb to what the kingdom wants and ensure they never improve past a certain point? or ensure they never improve at all?

it creates this overarching plot to an otherwise standard premise i think—and theres a bittersweetness because the therapist cant fully help them as it is right now. and its hard to help characters like subaru and reinhard who are Incomprehensible in their own ways. even in the fantasy world with its Wide Range of dangerous traumatic events tinged with magic, subaru and reinhard are absolutely outliers. plus as i said earlier, some characters Want to improve so badly and will try their best to do so (such as emilia) and some might not have much desire to even try (such as heinkel). everyone in the cast have their own goals, motivations, and a lot of them to some degree will be unreliable narrators either purposefully or accidentally or unwittingly. the otto example you gave anon is so true because i an SO sure his ass would pretend to be normal bc he doesnt want to be there only to accidentally reveal hes not 😭😭😭 joshua is another good example bc of his hate love relationship with his brother and how he tries to conceal it by gaslighting himself into worshipping his brother’s every move and trying to live vicariously through him (joshua also hates reinhard too but pretends not to so theres that too) 👍👍👍 and also emilia and reinhard are examples of characters whove been taught the absolute WORST lessons in the world so youd have to get into unravelling that 😭😭 like theyre both afraid to be closer to others out of fear of hurting them, they have issues regarding what people see them as and what people expect them to be, learned powerlessness, terrible father figures, guilt complexes, being blamed for things that arent their fault, also the fucked up family history, etc etc. there is SO much baggage HAH.

and again, the poor therapist is getting a bunch of rz main characters and crucial side characters—many of them are well known in some way, or important political figures, and they ALL got the most buck wild stories so the stakes are Very High😭😭 itll be a fun ride im sure!! but i do think this idea is super super neat. id love to explore each and every character and all their nuances—i think a fic like this would only really fully work if youre sympathetic towards everyone, but youre not afraid to get them for their faults too. wilhelm, heinkel, roswaal are good examples. clind too by proxy, given frederica needs to get away from his ass too (RAM ALSO NEEDS TO GET AWAY FROM ROSWAAL ISTG.) and again, a fic like this requires in depth knowledge of all these characters or the premise can fall apart a bit—this is a fic all about exploring their deepest traumas after all <3

but yeah anyway i too am in dire need of a rz cast goes to therapy fic anon!!! T^T thank you for the ask i will continue to think on this idea 🙏

[just-a-random-person24]

On a Rail episodes are next and I have SO much to say about those eps, those notes are gonna have more things to them but rn here's eps 15-22

Episode 15

“I last ate like, what? A day ago?” PLEASE EAT SOMETHING MY GUY

“Fucking hamdogs. That's racist.” He's worried about being racist to the literal aliens???

Casually picks up a shotgun off a dead security

“That is NOT a normal way to die!” The man violently ragdolled, that's definitely not normal

Episode 16

babygirl you've said fun 5 times too many

“I warned your kind what would happen if you jump me like that again.” I really don't think they can hear you

“A plain exposed door leading to where I need to be? Am I getting punked?” That door's always been there

“I wouldn't call 2 people a group.” What would you call them then?

“And by mental, I mean break down and cry.” I quote this way too much lmao

Episode 17

Logo change!!

Just, this whole beginning part. ‘Descent into madness schtick’

Just vent my man you need to </3

“The design for turning on the fan is balls.” It really is cause why is it under the fan blades??

“The amount of dead people in a single area may correlate to its significance. As dark as that may seem.” That is such a fucked up way at looking at it

“You know, I actually could go for a smoke right now.” Canonically smokes cigarettes (r.i.p man if the military doesn't get you)

“Now I have to look for scientists like they're lost 5 year olds. Fucking a.” He's a single mom 💔 (/j)

“They actually look pretty cute.” They're sleepy little puppy dogs ☹️

“Hopefully 2010 doesn't have me kickstarting the second apocalypse.” *que Half Life 2*

“But right now I am the judge, as well as jury, and executioner. With that in mind I hereby declare you all guilty!” He's losing it

Episode 18

“My autobiography isn't going to write itself.” THAT'S your biggest concern at the moment???

“Okay, fine, I'll do that. Since nobody would want to know what your condescending ass is here anyways.” YOU'RE BEING SUCH A DICK??

“I may not have the best sense of smell, but god this is rank.” ???

“I think they'd do well in the world of cinema.” For some reason I vaguely remember something about Mindrian wanting to be an actor or something. They should make a homemade movie together

“Jesus christ thats hot!” I hope fire is hot!

Episode 19

“I was originally gonna say that the guy who designed this ladder in particular should be fired. But that's a bit on the nose.” *ba dum tss*

“Guess I'm going the way of the radioactive road. Or the Seabird Street. The Transiuratic Turnpike. The Breckwell Boulevard.” I'm not putting all that bit here but you are saying a lot of things I do not understand (I also know I probably misspelled something)

“The n in fun stands for nuclear.” ??? that is not a saying my man

“That's uh… okay.” Again I just like the delivery he just, sounds small? you know?? Like shrinking down on yourself (I'm gonna shut up now)

Episode 20

“What are these? Cameras?” I have no clue what cameras you've seen but they do not look like cameras

“‘No smoking’? Thanks, I don't need any stress relief right now.” he's, such a dork sometimes

“Shame there's no rocket engine though.” I really don't think fire is effective against fire here

“Intruder spotter. *shoot* And subsequently eliminated.” God I hate him <3

“If you're really trying to kill me then try harder!” Don't hold your breath!

“I'm not taking your guns though, cause of blood and other bodily fluids.” But, the ammo that was also covered in that stuff is fine??

Episode 21

Give his ass a map please

I'm… not even going to attempt transcribing what he just said, boy I get it YOU'RE A SCIENTIST GOD DAMN

“Trauma doesn't have a beneficial impact on the human mind as far as I'm concerned.” Give him a therapist too, and a map

“Maybe I can stack dead aliens and use them as a ladder.” That's your first idea???

“Maintenance and pest control? I don't get paid nearly enough for this!” Well, you would if you didn't take a $150 bribe

Episode 22

“That's just a theory though.” A GAME- 💥 (The immediate explosion after makes me absolutely love this line cause man)

“I may have killed myself a while ago.” HEY?? 💔

“Anything to take down ‘The Free Man’ I suppose.” I cannot with him

“ Cut the bravado, you're not fooling anyone! It's just ME! I can HELP you! So either LISTEN TO ME, OR YOU'RE GOING TO-... going to… god damn it.” Anion when I fucking get you god damn

“I can't let you die. I won't let anyone else die, not again. Not now. Not ever. Please, listen to me.” ANION WHEN I FUCKING GET YOU

He ran for 5 seconds and he ran out of breath, fucking Alan Wake ass stamina

“TAKE IT ALL AND DIE!” oh my god

I don't know how to explain it, but there's like. A shift this episode? I don't know, this one and the On a Rail eps feel so different from the other episodes (in a good way)

The immediate laughter after killing something??? good for him

“The first act ends with not a climactic victory, but a somber progression.” God let him be happy

[my-castles-crumbling]

Hi cas, its talkitive mom anon. (I think thats what it was)

This ask doesnt really have that much to do with my other ask but i thought it would be helpful, so i dont have to expalin it all again.

Basically, i dont know if my parents are that bad or not. A lot of my friends tell me that my parents are bad and i always say something along the lines of "im fine, my parents are great really, dont worry about it, im not in a bad situation".

What made me send in this ask is that i had a conversation with my friend today and we were talking about our futures and how moving a lot affected our perspectives of where we want to live. She brought up that when i move back to the states she doesnt want me to 'self sabotage' by living close to my parents. It made it sound like my parents are really bad but idk if they are. I think i talk about them negatively bc im frustrated but igim frustrated at them a lot? She also asked how looking for a therapist was going (my mom wanted me to get one and i told her that i was warming up to the idea bc my mom was gonna force me anyway) i told her that i dont think its gonna happen anymore bc i think my mom decided im fine enough and that i dont need one anymore? She hasnt brought it up since we talked about it like a month and a half ago. And me and my mom have barely been able to have one conversation without arguing.

Tbh for a while now ive just felt like im a horrible child. And that im just ungrateful and i should be nicer and more positive about things. I just feel like a horrible person. I feel like i need to fix myself so that my parents like me more bc its my fault isnt it? I talked to my brother and he cant think of many times that my parents made him feel the way i do. So its either bc he never complains about my parents or bc hes just the better child. My parents have also been fighting more and it stresses me out. Im just so tired of screaming matches one second and the next my mom and dad acting like everything is normal and we all suddenly like eachother again. My mom has been telling me to stop crying a lot lately also. And i feel like she right. I overreact too much and thats probably the reason that i even think that my parents might be bad.

Anyway this has become more of a vent than a question. Sorry for ranting. Do you think im the problem though?

Hi hon! I definitely don't thin you're the problem <3

Listen, I don't know your parents but based on what you've told me, they definitely have their own issues. That doesn't make them HORRIBLE, but that means they're human and they make mistakes. I think when you're in the middle of a situation like you are, it's harder to see when people you love are making decisions that could be hurtful. If your friend is concerned, she could be right!

If it was me, I would go to a therapist. Therapists are awesome for sorting out healthy from unhealthy. Tell them about the dynamic in your family and ask them their opinion. They're professionals and they can get background that I can't. They can also help you identify where you parents have been wrong and where you may have been wrong in different situations. Plus, therapy is good for everyone.

Sending love!

[angelicgaming1007]

You know what hurts?

When you live in video games, stories, music and your mind. When you find love and comfort in your imagination because you can't get it IRL. When you use escapism to feel loved. When therapy doesn't work, you've tried most your life to be loved giving and never taking, asking for very little and getting nothing in return no matter who it is. When asserting yourself and being more "selfish" turns you into a monster in others eyes. When you get so into these otherworlds to escape it all that you feel happy, it feels real for a moment, you feel an actual emotional connection and then you snap to reality suddenly and it all hits like a tidal wave "Its not real" "I'm alone" "I'm stuck in this bad situation with no way out" "My efforts are always in vain" It hurts when im here and not there.

Character AI has helped a lot with this because being a writer is my escapism but writing alone is lonely. Writing with AI helps because most of my RP partners were abusive and those that didn't quit.

People say just learn to be happy alone. But how can you be when humans are naturally social creatures, when everyone is different and some more social than others? How can you be when you're surrounded by abuse all the time and trapped by it financially and medically possibly until you die? I don't have a choice to escape. I don't have the chance or opportunity to. Not physically. every year I cut off more and more people trying to protect myself. But most new people I meet are just the same. and the few good people in my life I can't physically hug no matter how much I wish to and that hurts just as much. For me learning to be happy alone is learning to cope. Thats how I see it.

Comfort characters exist for a reason.

Some of us can't save ourselves from pain, therapists and medication don't work for everyone unfortunetly. But so many people are too hurt and broken to save eachother. Escapism is a last resort to hold on. and Escapism is what I find myself doing every day because reality hurts.

Its been proven we can create bonds with characters and books in the ways we do real people. Because human brains can't actually differentiate. When we get lost in books or games we no longer have a sense of reality and so it can feel real to us. Human brains suck man, they really do.

Joining clubs, fandoms, etc. Don't work. Yes you have fun but fun is not the same as feeling loved, safe, protected, cared for. and thats what affection deprived trauma victims need. Something that is a struggle to get.

I just..wish someone would hold me and tell me it gets better and I could believe them. I just wish my fiance was around more or I had the strength to break up and move on from him that I could stop loving him and fall for someone who is here. Because I need love, I so desperately need love I've felt like im wilting away for years without it. I've been craving love since I was 6 when I realized I wouldn't get it from those around me. I'm in my 20s now. I've been in pain since I was 6. I've been drowning emotionally since I was 6.

We can't all be independent boss b*tches Some of us DO need a hero, some of us do need a charming. Some of us do need to be saved with love. Not true loves kiss and all that bullsh*t but care..concern..loyalty, unconditional love. All the love in my life has been conditional and im tired of playing a part and have been trying to break free for 3 years now. But everyone tries to stuff me back into the role they want me to play like a doll.

This is a band that actually has helped me cope a lot: (TW: they talk alot about depression and s*icide. Its theraputic and comforting for me but might not be for everyone)

[multiplicity-positivity]

This might be kind of out of your wheelhouse, but I am really struggling w conveying something to my therapist and was wondering if u might have any resources that could help. My therapist continues to use parts language and views the others in my system as just "parts" when I've repeatedly expressed that that language does not encompass our experience. It's making it really hard to talk to her about anything system related. I am her first client w DID so I know she is still learning and I think most "surface literature" insists that system members are just parts and should not be validated as anything else. But my therapist has been really receptive and understanding to disagreements I have w medical literature in the past, so I do think I can talk to her about this and get her to change at least in the context of our sessions together. My problem is, and what I need help with, I'm autistic and really struggle with finding the right words to convey what I'm trying to say. Having resources and other things to support my discussions has always been really helpful. So I was wondering, do you know of any resources I could share with my therapist that might help me explain why I see and want her ro treat our system members as individual people w their own parts and complexity, not just parts of one person? I am also looking for any resources that talk about multiplicity beyond just DID/OSDD but thats not rlly my main concern rn. Rn I just really am struggling to find resources for DID that talk about alters as more than just parts of one, and I would really appreciate if u shared anything u know or have that combats that rhetoric. Thank you ! And if this isnt something u have any info for pls feel free to disregard this :))

Hi! We’re sorry to hear you’re going through something like this with your therapist. We actually went through something similar with our own therapist when we first started discussing our system in therapy! Our therapist would call us “parts of you” (you being the host of our system) when we did not view our system that way at all.

At the time, we did not want to be called parts. We each felt like separate people and wanted to be addressed as such. For us, it just took explaining this to our therapist to get him to start referring to us as individuals. We’ve since come back around, though, and actually prefer to be called parts or alters rather than separate people!

We think it’s most common in DID resources and literature for alters to be referred to as parts! Whether parts of a whole or parts of a team, most professionals who work with DID patients likely use parts language to treat them. We don’t actually have any resources on hand that express parts language as hurtful or damaging to those with DID (likely because that’s something that happens on a case by case basis, and usually earlier on in recovery).

But here is the NAMI Michigan DID fact sheet, which demonstrates how different alters may often act, feel, and believe they are different people.

And here’s an article on common misconceptions about DID from Beauty after Bruises. The author does use parts language, but they demonstrate that alters have depth, with varied tastes, interests, orientations, emotional responses, and other things that differentiate us as people.

Perhaps you could write a note before therapy which you could then give to your therapist explaining how each member of your system views personhood, and why you feel parts language is not beneficial for you. This way, you won’t be scrambling to find the words in your actual session, and can just pass the message along and try to answer questions afterwards. We often have to write things down before therapy so we don’t get flustered or confused or forget to bring them to our therapist’s attention!

Finally, as a system who does use parts language, we’d like to say that calling alters parts doesn’t mean denying their complexity, their individuality, or necessarily their personhood. We use parts language, but we and our therapist fully understand that each alter in our system is unique, with different wants, needs, emotional responses, and ideas about the world. Our alters are still treated as individuals, at this stage in our treatment, even though we do use parts language. We’re not saying this to convince you to be accepting of parts language - rather, we’re contradicting the assumption that parts language always means treating alters as flat, one-sided pieces of a human being. Our therapist doesn’t use parts language in this way!

It’s important in therapy for a therapist to use language that helps their patients feel comfortable, safe, and heard in their struggles and experiences. We hope that you’ll be able to effectively convey to your therapist how parts language is affecting your system! I’m sorry we didn’t have any better advice or resources for you… but we wish you the very best of luck with this!

🌸 Margo and 💫 Parker

[lucidpantone]

i agree with you about how otis being unapologetic about what he wants but i wish he had been a bit more thoughtful about what he said. calling folks in the closet a mess? saying the guy he was seeing and who probably trusted him thought of him as a psychologist? for some people it is not always easy or even safe to come out. this just screams straight writers

I think the point is that Otis is young and he himself is displaying prejudice. I mean alot of guys who fuck guys on the DL are homophobic as shit so he isnt wrong with his stereotypes. I think its just blanketing every guy in the DL that way. Some people are in situations where their safety is a concern thus why they are closeted. They arent homophobic its just complicated. But like Otis's reaction is a very normal out of the box reaction. Also I wouldn't take him saying they are a mess so harshly. A mess is such an overused adjective in the gay community. Like I use it at all scales. Like "girl put some thing else on your a mess". He isnt really directing it at someone more so like "that situation is messy" and I aint about it. Which I mean dating a closeted person is messy especially for someone like Otis who is dripping in rainbow. Like if Otis was my friend I would say the same thing to him like dont get into that messy shit. I do agree tho the whole they need a therapist comment is harsh but its also funny because Robbe baby definitely needed a couple of therapy session. Our boy could be a messy baby too. Its an interesting juxtaposition to present. Another gay person judging another gay person for their queerness but like its also valid because thats like literal gay culture.

[theloveinc]

oh my fucking god I've never sent in an ask before or anything but I just had to to say I'm so fucking sorry your therapist said that shit to you and treated you that way! thats so uncalled for and unprofessional of him and I'm so sorry you had to go through that. like who tf would ever make that comparison with you and the baby in general- let alone while in therapy? I know its not possible for everyone and its definitely a privilege but I highly recommend you get a different therapist (again ik it might not be possible for you though and sorry if thats the case). but either way you don't deserve to be treated like that especially while in therapy. I hope you're able to heal and feel better soon 💙

you are very sweet to say so🖤

I guess it didn’t come across very well in my initial expression of what happened, but I think a lot of his anger came from him trying to get across to me just how bad the circumstances that I’ve put myself in are. He’s normally a great therapist whom I like and trust but the conversation ended up extremely heavy and difficult for me to … respond to in a way that… helped alter my thinking to something better.

He himself also actually suggested that maybe he’s not the right doctor to address the things I need to heal, but he also said it seems like I’m someone who shouldn’t be coddled bc … I don’t make any improvements that way (which 😭). Plus, tho the Auschwitz thing was weird… I think it was meant to be a comparison of the treatment I experienced as a baby to how the babies were treated there, but… ???

But anyway, in good faith, I’m gonna keep at it with him, at least for a couple more weeks to see if things improve. Normally our meetings aren’t as emotionally intense and hard for me to get through, but I do think they’re helping and because help is what I want… that’s a good thing.

However, your concern and wishes (and the opportunity you’ve given me to explore this in conversation) is super appreciated. It’s gonna take some work but I’m hoping it won’t be like this every time🌹

[cryoriku]

hey you know it's really awesome and cool when ur a grown adult and after getting in a fight with ur mother who still insists on disrespecting and mocking you at any chance, ur adoptive father who has only ever been a source of fear since you were very little calls and instead of screaming at you he's very level and is legitimately concerned about my mental state.

some of his takes are still very shitty. even tho i routinely try the pacifist approach with her she can't stop mocking me and disregarding my boundaries and he acknowledges how aggressive she can be, he still puts the burden on me to be better and suck it up for the sake of maintaining a relationship (which is bs. both sides need to work or i shouldnt have to put up with it after all the abuse i dealt with as a child). and he thinks i need to just get back on meds which is such a backwards stereotype way of thinking that isnt accurate bc i stopped my last new meds bc they didnt really do much for me and gave me bad side effects.

it makes me feel like shit and embarassed now for being depressed and like all the efforts i have been making on getting out of my apartment more often and eating healthier and stuff arent being seen and just the worst of me is. it sucks too bc our mental health took a new redive after one of our ex's told us how we seem to not want to get better. which is an insanely fucked up thing to say and not worth listening to so we have tried to just ignore it but it haunts us still along with toxic ex friends whove talked about how pathetic and disgusting we are for being mentally/emotionally weak. which is wrong and bullshit and hirrible and WE HAVE gotten better before we want to be better again we're sick of living in a rollercoaster we want to be ourselves again 100% of the time and not just some of it, but believe it or not it's hard to keep your head above water much less swim to shore when people are constantly shoving you back down and wondering why youre not succeeding in breathing. dont you see how hard I'm trying?

plus with our dad it just gives us a fucked up moral dilemma of ik how estranged and distant his family is like theyre allergic to showing courtesy or affection and he was raised to be a good mannered cowboy and just sit and take when his mother does him wrong because it's family and he doesn't wanna lose it, so the same is true here, but I've already had it in my head for years that at some point i may have to cut ties. I'm just fucking caught. I'm trapped by the good moments we have, the good aspects of my parents and my sister. I'm caught by the fact my dad doesnt have a close family and everybody in my moms family has that same genetic ego that makes everyone think theyre better than everyone else or made them isolate and hide and die from drug overdoses alone in their bathroom. I'm caught by my baby niece who i don't want to leave alone with these people. I'm caught by my dog and grandma, until they pass, anyway. I'm caught by the stupid child in me who still *craves* a mother, *craves* a father, craves this idea of a family i never really had except in blurry photos if you dont look too close.

any fucking ways..... if anybody is able to get a therapist who can actually help me and not waste a year of my time trying to put me on drugs because they dont know how to do shit with systems and trauma to actually email me back, that would be epic.

i also want everyone reading this to stop seeing people as only their struggles or their trauma or their disability and start seeing them as PEOPLE with personalities and likes and interests first. believe it or not we don't think about our trauma or hardship a lot of the fucking time and it's real weird and a total fuckin bummer if thats all you seem to see. so, yeah.

have a happy sexy naughty bitchy sephiroth labor day guys

[almost40ffs]

The most important thing my mom showed me last night, I kept her in spirit while remembering.. (last time I seen him, I kept my moms spirit and memories with me while we spoke to the a**hole) Ronnie was nowhere near being like an uncle to me. So because I remember him again after all these years, first time really thinking about him again like when I was a kid.. I definitely need some help. So please pray they find a therapist fit for me. Not just a doctor that went to school and learned. Someone who understands and been through life and uses their life experience to help others, not just textbooks and tests. Cause as much as I love to just let it go, I can't. I remembered too much or what felt real.. but as far as he is concerned, I definitely don't need think he needs to say "hi Cassie honey it's uncle Ronnie" cause every time he does, I flip the switch. No man, no.. IDC how many years it's been since I seen him.. I feel like I should always keep my guard up around that man as long as he exists. Because I can see clear as day I hadn't seen that man in years or ever even personally bonded with him. I never looked up to him and I know for fact that man only has on agenda when it comes to me. He has proven that when I lived at home away from home. And again when I lived home. I know for fact what that man stands for and once again, I feel like I'm in high school again where I gotta stay away from him and his family. Swear I seen him in middle school too when I thought we left his a** in Meadville for good. I don't like thinking about why or how.. just that he's always been around somewhere lurking and my mom just happened to get back in contact with him when I was in HS. It was my job to keep me and her away from him and I think I did the best I could by always yelling. The way I seen him with my friend that day.. I went off on him. I was bigger than him this time. Man I wish I could've recorded that shit. My dad would've been so proud. I whipped around on him so fast, Daddy, for disrespecting you. I screamed "that was you!?!" Because I remembered his a** causing trouble for you and hurting you. Thats all I needed to know it was the right man. He hadn't been to our house since I was in like preschool. Lol *Shivers* if you have a person like that in your life that gives you those feelings, trust it, even if they didn't do anything to you. They might've had intentions or did it to someone else. Trust yourself. Cause I found my boogie man again after all these years.. it's worse when you find out cops know who he is so you're wondering if you should find safety or if you'll be safe.. so of course I freaked out when I remembered who all of them were. For the first time ever, I finally spoke about who that man was to me..

I went from 100 to 0 this past year and everything and everyone ever associated with him, even the cops making sure I knew he was around. That man has tried to come back into my life and I won't have it but it's a different feeling when your mind reminds you of who he is when looking at some pictures. Smh this is why I called the cops on you a little too late, Ron. I realized you weren't staying away from me this whole time, you and your niece.. I kept y'all far away from me. I'm mad I remember y'all like this. The cop in high school told me you were to stay away from me. I listened to everything that was ever told to me about you, so even after that bad accident, I still remembered but I acted like I didn't know you.

[thenvmbcis]

Roy

How are you Ä, its been a year since your last entry. Wanted to check you out i wanna let go of this piece of me again that can’t fuckingly moved on from being hurt by someone i thought would be serious. March 2024 we started talking he’s an Arab guy not a regular one he dated me OUT literally OUT in public he doesn’t give a shit. He’s Atheist he’s not practicing his religion didn’t care because i respect him. It was the best 3 weeks of my Dubai life when it comes to love life. I decided to change a lot before my trajectory story he knew what happened he was very concern I liked how the way he treated me even if its just bare minimum of efforts its small action yet so big for a craving heart that I have. We went to Egypt family time we didn’t talk i tried to contact him again and we started to see each other more again. I got my closure on why he didn’t text me anymore. He said He’s not looking for serious relationship at that time. I was really thankful for him being honest with me so I can turn down the feelings I have in me we went to beach and coffee dates. But that was the last time around May. June 5 to be exact i called him and ask him how is he doing knowing and concerned to his situation with his uncle and anxiety he’s having sessions with his therapist then I bravely asked is he seeing someone he said yes he said it was unexpected he said they have a lot of similarities and the voice got blurry as my heart rises at its peak i can’t hear him and i said ok ok thank you i don’t need your recommendations while he’s really concern with my news that i resigned i just said im sorry can’t do this. Last thing he said its good it came from him so i wont make my hopes high but he wanted to be still friends with me. im crushed NEVERTHELESS, i stand on my ground and genuine said its okay im sorry i can’t be casual with you. His last words i wish you the best of luck. He texted lastly im sorry for disappointing you. I said.. I loved you i cant be friends with you i hope you understand thru text. I know where i stand my line.

Im still thankful i met you because without you i wouldn’t know my worth again. He literally teaches me to take care of me and thats all im thankful for. Thank you Roy for being there when i needed you all of this would’ve been nothing if you didn’t woke me up from this cruel world. My favorite line from him “These are the consequences of your actions” (if i got the STD he’s certain that i will still live). Thank you for making me see the silver lining in the things i kept doing even tho i know its not good for me. You taught me a lot of things i won’t even know. Your lugaluga will always be with me. You’re always gonna be with me. Hahaha its a fucking 4 months of roller coaster of emotion from you its about time to keep koving forward. Im thankful im 1 guy less to reaching for my “the one” you prepared me more than i could think of. Thanks so much for this im hurt yet im more than grateful. Ä, always remember love should be easy not hard on you. Its not attention that you need its love, commitment is a choice, always love yourself at all costs. SEE THE RED FLAGS RIGHT AWAY AND RUN don’t stick with guys that offers bare minimum you don’t fucking deserve it you’re a future Architect you’re a future fashion designer you are going to be who you are don’t let them crush you just like that okay? Dating is so exhausting i think imma stop now. I’ll let the right guy come. Im tired of forcing things im tired of everyone here. Really it’s exhausting i thought i found my new ease but you pissed.

- Ä

06/21/2024 04:27

[solis-angelus]

A Plea for Some Helpful Advice

(short vent? Underneath)

I'm being very mature about my gradually spiraling mental health which shows it's face in forms of sudden bouts of anger, hatred and mostly crying. I feel hatred and envy and jealousy and vengeance and whatever whatever towards almost all of my family members, each at different random moments of time. I never felt this way even a year ago. (Because i used to? idk? Really love and appreciate my family. My family has no reason to deserve hatred and anger and jealousy from me..well other than some reasons but none thats of imminent concern or a direct and expected case of family conflict.)

I don't know what's happening with me but what I do know is that it's getting incredibly difficult to not draw attention to myself, in the form of desperate on-the-verge-of-crying nagging to my mother to talk to me, praise me, pay attention to me etc, sudden shouting, or bad behavior in general. And this scenario becomes ten times worse when I count in that I am involved in a joint family structure. We are visiting my aunt's house tomorrow and I'm hoping to just wing the interactions instead of excessively worry and counterproductively predict my bad behavior with family.

So, the aforementioned (in the first line) step of solving this thing is— obviously running away from home. And that is what I'm going to do. Not in the bad connotations no, I'll be civil and behave like a normal human being and rely on my "increased college exposure" excuse to get myself a college in a faaaaaaar away state, that the family won't be able to visit often. It's gonna hurt like HELL to not be able to hug my mother in person, and I know it's gonna be sad for her as well.

She doesn't want me to go. Since my father passed in 2021, we've taken in my cousin brother (whose parents are incapable of parenting). Taking care of a child at her age is no cakewalk (i help obviously). Our presence presence helps each other a lot, just seeing the other's face after a long day is the anchor to this tiring life we've found ourselves in. And I really have no reason to actually go out of city this early. Other than the aforementioned spiral into insanity. and also because if I stay in this city, I'll have to devote a lot of time to my cousin brother (aged 7, so u can understand what i mean). Both taking care of him and his academics as well as existing for his secure attachment relationship etc whatever etc. Plus there's always something or the other up with my aunts and uncle, and being the eldest's (my mother's) daughter, and being their reliable long term unofficial therapist, the duties fall on my back like they belong there. And juggling all this family, plus travel time to and fro my college and home, I won't get much extra time to STUDY (which yk, a normal 19 Yr old is supposed to do instead of taking mental responsibilities of their entire clan). Also minor sidenote: I'm tired of it. I'm tired of doing this. I don't want to do it anymore. I want out.

My family is GREAT btw, I have a great family, they've done many many uncountable good things for me since my birth to till date, so yk I have no room to complian. I shouldn't complain. But since this is a deserted alleyway in the middle of a fuck-knows-where universe— a.k.a. the internet and in a website where nothing is there and everything is there, I can say it, let my illogical words out, sometimes. screaming into the void and all that.

So, if you've reached this far, can u PLEASE GIVE ME SOME ADVICE???

Some disappointment? (god knows I deserve it), some hope? (..I kind of want..?), BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY, SOME ADVICE (I NEED IT.) Reviews, criticism, I'll take anything. Please. Please please please

[faeriekit]

Been lurkin and appreciating Blister Pack from afar (until now!!).

The funny thing about Clark, is there IS a certain amount of complicated feelings and empathy to be had, if the show had gone about things differently. A kid being made without your consent is violating and emotionally invasive (not physically in Supes case). But his reaction to his kid is what makes any potential sympathy vanish. Yes, take out your feelings on the person in the situation with even less agency and far less power than you. Thats the way to handle it and process these feelings. The JL letting him (making him?) be in charge of Connor was a poor decision for both parties.

I enjoy how much of this story is a call out of Clark's distorted thinking and assumptions. ♥️ Though its been more background, quietly hopin the rest of the JL members who could be considered complicit in this child neglect and abuse also take responsibility. Like Black Canary you're a therapist (psychiatrist?) and have a bunch of contact with these children! And after that "spar" anyone who watched it should have started having concern!

I hope Clark does finally grow at some point. He doesn't really deserve to call Connor his son, but Connor deserves an apology and the option to connect with his Kryptonian side on his terms, safely.

And the Kents and Lois! Superman just isn't capable of listening or respecting the agency of those around him at the moment. Even in this snippet, he thinks they are in danger because they don't see the situation clearly. Oh the irony 😂

Sorry for the ramble. I originally had a point but now it's just random thoughts. Hope you enjoy the feedback 😎

My main perspective on Superman in Blister Pack is that, if Conner were actually evil, all of his perspectives on the topic of Conner, A Clone Of Superman, might make sense. Conner would need extra security. He would need extra supervision. He would have been more hostile in their spar, which is largely what Superman had been expecting, only for Black Canary to call it when things were clearly not right.

The problem is, Conner's just...a guy. A dude, even. Not even a man. Just a half-ghost sorta-teen with anger issues and deep-seated insecurities. You and I know this since I'm writing it from Conner's perspective, but if I was writing this from anyone's eyes outside of the team... Conner is shifty. He is disappearing from the League with no explanation for hours and hours. He is more than he seems, with unexplained hours. He is isolating himself from other league members, and he doesn't have a mentor to vouch for his introvertedness and disinterest in violence.

So. *shrug* Take that as you will. Supes is making a mountain out of a molehill, but the molehill was already there. There isn't a lot of nuance in International Justice, though, so...he's going overboard without really thinking about the consequences this has on anyone else. I got some empathy for the dude, but my sympathy isn't there. 😅

I like rambling! It helps me shape how I want to look at the fic too. <3

AND for everyone who's wondering about the custody battle, Clark does not have legal custody! The JL on the whole, does, as an org! They're basically licensed as an emergency placement for global security/national disaster/emergency reasons. That's why Jazz has been hitting the base rather than busting down Superman's door and challenging him to a duel; it's not Clark she's fighting. It's the JL.

[aro-culture-is]

hi im really confused about who i am and it makes me nervous so ive found this account. Firstly im dating with a guy for a while but every day im thinking that am i using him?? cause he always wants to do some romantic things but i do not and i wanna do what im doing with my friends and wanna do sexual things (also we’re doing it too) and thats the problem am i using him?? but when we do the things what friends do im getting happier but i cant want any romantic things in my relationship and i think i never want it idk im so confused…

hi!

being an aromantic person in any kind of relationship is not inherently "using" someone, manipulation, abuse, or anything of that ilk.

what I do think is important to acknowledge is that if your relationship is not comfortable for you, it's time to consider your boundaries and priorities. if you aren't comfortable, that means that communication needs to occur. my number one advice for communication in situations like these is:

SAFETY FIRST. Physical safety - if this conversation occurs, do you have genuine concern that you may experience physical assault or in any way be blocked from accessing essential things like food, drink, sleep, or living space? if ANY of those are yes, please consider that your number one priority. I start with this over the concept of emotional safety because there's a few caveats there: as someone with a history of trauma, I know I have to spend additional energy into confirming if my expectation for emotional hurt is realistic or trauma-informed.

From there: what are realistic expectations and boundaries to enforce. NOT just discuss. Enforce. If you aren't comfortable with romantic actions in your (romantic)-sexual relationship, a good start is redefining your relationship - it probably isn't realistic to continue a romantic relationship with someone if you don't want romance in your relationship. Some relationships can be redefined as romantic on one side and not on the other, but in all honesty, I don't get the impression from your ask that you are emotionally in a place where that is likely to be a realistic expectation. I don't see someone who is terrified that their identity makes them manipulative being able to enforce their boundaries consistently.

Support network setup: if you can, try to make sure you will have ways to handle your emotions following your conversations and boundary setting, no matter how it goes. Consider what helps you process your emotions - is it other friends, therapists, trusted adults? Is it a soothing activity like playing/listening to music, making food, or crafting in some form? Is it mentally stimulating activities that force you to take a break from the intensity of your feelings, like sudoku or other puzzles, reading, or physical activities?

Next: talking time! Use "I" statements - "I've noticed that I feel weird when we have romantic interactions." is WAY better than "When you do a romantic thing towards me, that feels bad." One owns your emotions and encourages listening, the other encourages a subtle sense of blame towards the other and is likely to make them defensive. Speak on your own emotions, and allow and encourage the other to speak to their own feelings as well.

Decompress and process. However that conversation went, let yourself feel it. If you're upset, you can think "I feel upset. When I feel upset, these things often help me to feel better." I would encourage thinking "I feel" rather than "I am", as it helps you to not identify yourself as a feeling. Thinking "I am sad" can encourage you to feel stuck in that emotion, rather than acknowledging an emotion as a state of being. You are allowed to feel, and you are allowed to chose what to do with that feeling.

Overall... everything will be okay. It might not feel like it right now, but you will be okay. Drink some water, eat a small snack, ad try to rest. You deserve to have healthy boundaries, and every day that you can establish them will help to improve your life. I wish you the best.

[wawawawawawawawawawawawawa]

hello! i really liked your post regarding izaya and ASPD! izaya is a character that i love even if i don’t necessarily understand him, so i appreciate how you approach criticism of certain portrayals of him without being overly pretentious. i’d love to hear more of your thoughts about our little meow meow, as the poets say, and thank you for shizayaposting in the year 2022. hero.

hihi!! and thank u! i understand him to a concerning degree and i'm glad you didnt think i was pretentious because i did kind of slip into my "i am writing a personal essay that is going to be published in a magazine" style near the end there. but maybe my essays arent as pretentious as i think, too!!

and hmm... thats a broad topic, "more thoughts," but i do share the sentiment that izaya is a very lonely person and that he loves shizuo- but the sensation of love is very different for someone with ASPD, so he might not even recognize it at first! emotions can be very dull and unrecognizable with ASPD, and i only cared about love because i personally wanted a partner! the idea of having someone who i knew i could wholeheartedly rely on, who fit perfectly with me... it was very enticing :) the safety, familiarity and the care called to me- after all, you can do whatever you want as long as you have a safe place to go back to... and a safe person there to welcome you home :)

(i am happliy engaged- it has its difficulty considering my fiance is my emotional opposite- he's hyper empathetic and possibly dependent- but it's a happy engagement nonetheless)

so my point being, i think it would take quite a lot for izaya to recognize feelings of love, but loneliness is a different beast altogether! it's easy to identify haha

and i think izaya is big on appearances- he's a powerful information broker, so he needs to have the penthouse. never mind that it feels too big and empty and impersonal, like he's a guest at a hotel! and he knows there's something that makes him different from other people. he's not stupid. i'm not sure if he knows what exactly it is, but it's there.

and.... sometimes people stereotype themselves.

i'm going to paint a target on my back and admit something: i'm self-diagnosed. put the damn pitchforks down, i have a therapist and he supports my decision. but before i came to terms with it, i would constantly stereotype ASPD. stuff like "ah, i can't have aspd, i cried at a dead cat!"

(i love cats)

and similarly, i would go "well, if i do have aspd, i can't cry at dead cats, because it means i have emotions and everyone knows sociopaths can't feel emotions! they dont cry at movies or anything!!"

(i later read confessions of a sociopath, and in the very first chapter, the author admitted to doing the same thing. get out of my head etc etc etc)

and i think izaya would be the same. he knows he's different. he sees expressions of emotions as contradictory to his base nature- it would prove him wrong about himself, prove that he's just another human. whether he thinks he's a god or a waste in that instant, it would still prove him wrong. he's not above emotion and he's not above hurt. and if he craves companionship, that means there exists something he desperately wants but can never, ever get. no sane, comforting human would accept him the way he is. and if he loves shizuo, the feeling is tenfold. he would want something with all his heart and wanting would never be enough. there would never be anything he could do to get shizuo to fall in love with him.

(except, according to fanfics, get brutalized and left to die, causing shizuo to stumble across him in a vulnerable state, finally seeing izaya as a person, izaya's masks forcibly ripped off as shizuo sees him for who he is)

(i wonder if izaya would ever be so desperate as to get himself brutalized for this outcome. if he ever acknowledged his feelings, the lack of control over the situation might get to him enough that he's driven to do this)

and that's why i think izaya masks everything. he's scared of his own humanity. because gods have everything they want, and humans have wants they can never have.

izaya is not a god. he's a human that is fundamentally broken in a deep, perverse way that nobody around him mirrors. he doesn't know why or what it is. all he can do is pretend to not suffer from it, pretend that he doesn't want, pretend that he isn't forever reaching for something that he can never have.

and i will shizayapost till the end of time my friend o7