#pls help if u have the time to read all thst

[solis-angelus]

A Plea for Some Helpful Advice

(short vent? Underneath)

I'm being very mature about my gradually spiraling mental health which shows it's face in forms of sudden bouts of anger, hatred and mostly crying. I feel hatred and envy and jealousy and vengeance and whatever whatever towards almost all of my family members, each at different random moments of time. I never felt this way even a year ago. (Because i used to? idk? Really love and appreciate my family. My family has no reason to deserve hatred and anger and jealousy from me..well other than some reasons but none thats of imminent concern or a direct and expected case of family conflict.)

I don't know what's happening with me but what I do know is that it's getting incredibly difficult to not draw attention to myself, in the form of desperate on-the-verge-of-crying nagging to my mother to talk to me, praise me, pay attention to me etc, sudden shouting, or bad behavior in general. And this scenario becomes ten times worse when I count in that I am involved in a joint family structure. We are visiting my aunt's house tomorrow and I'm hoping to just wing the interactions instead of excessively worry and counterproductively predict my bad behavior with family.

So, the aforementioned (in the first line) step of solving this thing is— obviously running away from home. And that is what I'm going to do. Not in the bad connotations no, I'll be civil and behave like a normal human being and rely on my "increased college exposure" excuse to get myself a college in a faaaaaaar away state, that the family won't be able to visit often. It's gonna hurt like HELL to not be able to hug my mother in person, and I know it's gonna be sad for her as well.

She doesn't want me to go. Since my father passed in 2021, we've taken in my cousin brother (whose parents are incapable of parenting). Taking care of a child at her age is no cakewalk (i help obviously). Our presence presence helps each other a lot, just seeing the other's face after a long day is the anchor to this tiring life we've found ourselves in. And I really have no reason to actually go out of city this early. Other than the aforementioned spiral into insanity. and also because if I stay in this city, I'll have to devote a lot of time to my cousin brother (aged 7, so u can understand what i mean). Both taking care of him and his academics as well as existing for his secure attachment relationship etc whatever etc. Plus there's always something or the other up with my aunts and uncle, and being the eldest's (my mother's) daughter, and being their reliable long term unofficial therapist, the duties fall on my back like they belong there. And juggling all this family, plus travel time to and fro my college and home, I won't get much extra time to STUDY (which yk, a normal 19 Yr old is supposed to do instead of taking mental responsibilities of their entire clan). Also minor sidenote: I'm tired of it. I'm tired of doing this. I don't want to do it anymore. I want out.

My family is GREAT btw, I have a great family, they've done many many uncountable good things for me since my birth to till date, so yk I have no room to complian. I shouldn't complain. But since this is a deserted alleyway in the middle of a fuck-knows-where universe— a.k.a. the internet and in a website where nothing is there and everything is there, I can say it, let my illogical words out, sometimes. screaming into the void and all that.

So, if you've reached this far, can u PLEASE GIVE ME SOME ADVICE???

Some disappointment? (god knows I deserve it), some hope? (..I kind of want..?), BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY, SOME ADVICE (I NEED IT.) Reviews, criticism, I'll take anything. Please. Please please please

[blumiin]

Bias Tag

Tagged by @xseokjiin (sooo soft n cute tags!! rly!!), @jungkookio (WOW!! leesha, ur tags got me equally ouch and awww and oh i remember that!), @taekookiesandcream (’throw me in the pan’ ‘sprinkle some salt on me’ gosh kia I laughed so hard at that one!!!)  It was a pleasure reading ur tags!!!

Rule: Put the top 15 tags associated w your bias.

PARK JIMIN!

#why is he layin on that cardboard?? #idk #cnkjsnc #but #fuuu cckk #this pic has those strong 'honey i'm happy that we're moving into our first apartment' feels #help 

#he’s a definite reason to live #the reason why my days got brighter #the reason why im randomly smilin on the street  #the owner of my heart!

#WHEN WILL THE DAY COME WHERE I HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO OPEN UP A GALLERY DEDICATED TO PARK JIMIN?

#THOSE PANTS!!!! #THOSE FCKN PANTS!!!! #even tho i hate those pants bc they were so fckn rude just them alone #and in combination with jimin havin them on = LOTS OF SUFFERING DKNDJSS #but I was that fckn designer  #I ADMIT #IWAS IT #I personally cut (i wanted to write cute but not in that life would i call that gifset cute) out those holes #to embrace those thights #FDLKNFSCLD #BODY WORSHIPNDKJSNCLSD #I see i did my job well #too good TBHFJISJF #I  now want to burn them1

#FCK MY LIFEEEE! #he looks absolutely breathtakin #that sweaty presenceE - Im diggin it! #fjkdbgmf #those ripped jeans - BURN THEM cause i can’t handle #Arrhggjjh uuuuggghh #and lastly those fckn arm veins MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM #just hit me with that mic so i fall unconcious! #ckskbd

#He's beautiful in every way #this makes me wean #*weak #when i saw this my phone fell on my nose #it hurts a lil but if thats the impact thst angelic being then im fine with it #his smile makes me forget alll the bad sht outside

#my current mantra consists of 'do not feel attacked' 'try not to scream' and 'stay calm' while tryin to slowly breath in and out#i don't think it works. #bc #clearlyy 'oh shit' #(i lowkey love how he tried to do this hair thingy he always does but then was like 'naa i don't want to ruin my hair' and didn't go for it)

#DID I FCKN ASK TO BE ATTACKED BY HIS ......BUTT???????? #wtf??

#fuuu ck #i swear when he's on stage he turns into this...this this... pure sin! #just let me quick list what he did right this time again: sweaty.choker #sweaterpaws?#striped shirt.forhead.fck that neck vein!!!!! and do i see a belt grab?? #park jimin u know excactly what i like!#idk what to do with my life...

#how dare u bring this sinful most disrespectful moment back!!! #UGGGGHHH #FUCK #that boi clearly yes clearly know what he’s doin #and i hate him for that!! #u don’t do this randomly #with that tongue #and pointing to him #and that evil smirk at the end!!! #NOOOO!!! #NOOOOOO!!!!! #like boi behave #ur in public!! #If i were that girl idk i would be so flustered......like park jimin are u for real?#but tbh....u know....I-- 

#AND BOOOOOOOOM I'M PREGNANT! #gosh he rly caught me off guard #just wtf was he thinking #turning the mood all sensual #ndjsncljdsnfljnsalkfnslkfnsl #i was having a lecture park jimin #but gish #whatever the people behind me saw ....they definitely died with me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #i just don't feel attack #ed #i don't feel as if he slapped me #he rolled over me with a bulldozer #dance on my grave #pls dance! 

#OOOOOOKKKAYYY #*gazes into the distance directed to south korea and speaks softly*#wtf is ur problem? why are u attacking me everyday! my life turned in to constant suffering 24/7 bc of u!

#i've avoided this pic until now....i saw it for a short sec but i stopped breathin thought about jumping out of my window #or if i should drown myself in sweat and tears #now im back #and IM TRULY! #FUCK PARK JIMIN! #WHAT ARE U DOIN TO ME! #UR LITERALLY PERFECT #CAN I PLASTER THIS AROUND MY TOWN??#THEY NEED TO SEE AND APPRECIATE THIS#WE HAVE UPCOMING ELECTIONS PEOPLE GONNA THINK TO VOTE HIM #BUT GUESS WHAT.....THEY WILL! #BFDKJSNKNF #IDK WHAT IM TALKIN IM SO---- 

#ok who tf told him to give me more of sufer!jimin vibes???? #I’ll come and find u after I recovered!!! #AND NOW TO U PARK JIMIN  #how dare u look way to attractive here with ur perfect wet hair #and puppy eyes i could gaze into for hours? #AND THEN WINK #AND......THAT FCKN TONGUE? NOPE WHY DID U HAVE TO INCLUDE THAT?#then next to u a literal sunshine???? HOBI??? #IM #NNO #AND BEHIND U TAE AND YOONGI WITH THOSE #TOWELS ON THEIR HEAD? #IM ----- #GO TO SLEEP PARK JIMIN PLS! IT'S ALMOST 3am sleep! 

#yes yes yes just fuck yes!!!!!!! #honestly i could write books about each hair in their era and i probably will when i’m broke and need money #everyone would want to have those books bc people want to appreciate art and i’m not talking about my writing I’m talking about #HIS!  #FCKN!  #GORGEOUS!  #HAIR! #he just pulls of every colour and i know his comeback hair will wreck me again i’m sure of that #I’m especially weak for black and silver haired jimin but that goddamn orange also wants to have a place on the list #but the black hair the b l a c k hair!!!! gives me weak legs  makes me want to run in front of a bus he can just step on me with that hair  #i would do everything to get that prince eric look back #but in the end hair doesn’t matter when i know that the person is the owner of my heart irrespective of which hair colour he has! #!!!!! 

I tag: @namjoonsbby @itschims @deletaed @kimtae95s @snowchuu @ahoneyyboyy @jimeolk @sugaster