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tojiscrack · 2 months

Text

𝐔𝐓𝐎𝐏𝐈𝐀

summary: 31k words — your time in the northern division didn’t go as planned. coincidentally, captain levi’s time in the southern division also didn’t go as planned.

notes: i’m very, very, VERY sorry i neglected you guys 😭 but it’s here now, and for compensation for the long wait and your patience, it’s a whopping 31k words!! i hope you like it :)

tw: very strange behaviour, swearing, i’ll update this if there’s something i’ve missed

i do not own any of the characters of aot. i only own the character of y/n and a few other made up characters. the rest belong to hajime isayama as well as aot itself.

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start of day 1:

utopia did not look like anything you expected. what you assumed would be a similar setting to trost, you were taken aback to discover that up in utopia, it was way more bright, way more sunny, and way more calm. knowing this, you could not exactly pinpoint what made it so visibly pleasing in comparison to the setting that you were so used to: the trees looked the same, tall and dominating as it loomed over the rest of you. but the grass seemed greener here, somehow.

what you were really looking forward to, however, was what the training field looked like. and you weren't disappointed. kind of. it was spacious, just like the one back at trost. majority of it was concrete though, which had to have been a health hazard, right? back at trost, most of it was grass, the rest being concrete. over here was the complete opposite.

it's a good thing i'm good at hand-to-hand, you'd thought to yourself as you crossed the empty field to enter the brick building adorned with small windows.

you could hear a pair of footsteps echoing after yours, harshly reminding you of the fact that you still could not be trusted to walk yourself over to the office on your own. the only thing the escort was useful for was dragging your suitcase along and not letting you lift a finger for it.

and the fact that you had no idea where the commandant's office was.

you lagged behind the escort at the realisation. the hallways were as narrow as the ones in the south, but they didn't hold the same familiarity. it wasn't the same corridor you'd spent running away from keith after somehow pissing him off again. it did not feel right.

it hadn't been long before you found yourself nearly walking into the escorts' back when he stopped in front of a tall, wooden door, identical to the very one you'd constantly found yourself standing behind back when you were still part of the southern division.

the man in front of you barely spared you a glance before knocking rhythmically on the door. you thought that was weirdly amusing, was that a must here? why couldn't the southern division be like this?

because keith is a party pooper, you bitterly thought, stepping forward and ignoring the warning look your escort directed at you as you raised a fist.

and instead of doing the same rhythmic knock as he had done, you turned your fist so your knuckles couldn't touch the door and instead, the side of your hand took the impact for each aggressive and fast attack on the wood.

the escort's eyes widened, letting go of the handle of your suitcase and hurriedly nudging you away from the door. you still persisted despite the way he'd put your wrists together and pushed you away.

"stop — stop it!" he snapped, voice low and hushed, perhaps to make sure the ruckus did not wake the cadets earlier than they should actually be up. the hand that broke free of his grip had immediately been forced back down as he glowered at you. "no!" he demanded, as though scolding a child. "are you trying to get us killed?"

you scoffed at him.

"he can't be that bad," you told him confidently. "if you've gone through keith, you can go through anyone."

he gave you a look of something in between disgust and confusion. you thought he looked like your local clown back home.

"the heck are you calling him by his —" he began, but then shook his head as if he'd made a terrible mistake. "you know what? i don't even wanna know — just don't do that in there."

he slowly turned the knob on the door, back flat against the door as he pushed it open for you to step in.

you spoke as you did.

"relax, i don't even know his na—"

and sitting behind the desk that you'd normally see keith in, you found that it was someone you knew, someone you were quite acquainted with: it was buzzkill teach!

he sat at his desk with his fingers clasped together in front of him and his thick brows raised so far up his forehead, the lack of hair made it appear as though it were much larger than it actually was. but the second he met your gaze, his pupils dilated and then grew smaller and smaller, the whites of his eyes becoming the centre.

you did not know whether to beam or to scowl; judging from his very negative reaction of you, you wanted to choose the latter, but simply could not bring yourself to — for some odd reason.

"oh — hey buzzkill teach!" you said instead, voice cheery and loud that your escort had to hurriedly shut the door behind him, glaring at the back of your head as you spoke.

"you?" your former trainer questioned, fingers unclasping and palms facing the ceiling in some exasperated hand gesture.

"i'm y/n," you introduced yourself as if he had forgotten who you were.

"i know who you are, dammit!" he snapped, standing up so fast his chair made a loud squeaking noise as it dragged itself across the wooden floorboards. "they never told me it was you!"

"i wondered what happened to you, you know," you said fondly, walking over to the seat on the opposite end of his desk and sitting down comfortably. you looked around:

the office looked very similar to keith's (that hadn't surprised you at all). the desk placed across the large window was the same as keith's, however the only difference you could actually pinpoint was the fact that the room had more drawers and space. it also looked much well kept — no cobwebs or dust gathered on top of the piled up books in sight.

and it seemed that your ex-trainer was better at his job than keith was, the usual mounts of paperwork piled up on keith's desk was no where to be found at his empty one (though that did explain the dark bags hanging underneath both his narrowed eyes).

"whatever," he sighed, waving a hand at your escort who then silently left the room after leaving your suitcase to stand by itself on the back wall. he sat back down again, running his fingers across the length of his bushy brows and opening the drawers in search of something. "just sit silently while i —"

"what's your name? you never told me —"

his head still hung and his posture bent to dig through the drawers, his eyes were the only thing that moved to address you. "what did i just say?"

"oops, sorry," you whispered, leaning back on your chair and crossing your knee over the other.

"hmph, it's badis if you must know," he said lowly, placing several sheets in front of himself.

you froze, eyes that had been wondering around the room now darted right back to the man sitting across from you in silent amusement and shock. it seemed that your silence had been going on for too long, so when he met your eyes once more, you'd accidentally let out a snort: your hand immediately shot up to press itself against your mouth in a helpful attempt to stop yourself.

"what?" he demanded, frustration evident in his tone.

you tried your hardest not to smile.

"could you — could you repeat that?" you asked. you let out a long exhale, hand back on the arm of the chair in disbelief. "sorry, i think i might've misheard you or something. i thought you said your name was badis."

his eye twitched.

"it is."

that was the end of the line for you. the dam broke. you laughed so loud, you were certain that the cadets had woken out of their deep slumbers, but you had barely any thought left in you to care.

the man sitting in front of you, the commandant of the northern division, straight faced and furious, and his name just so happened to be badis.

badis.

your stomach constricted in on itself, your throat closed up making it more difficult to breathe, and when he demanded what was so funny to you, you could barely stop the stitch that was forming itself on the bottom left of your stomach.

"badis —" you said, through heaved breaths, "badis — badis and shadis!"

you sneaked a glance at him. his eyes looked bloodshot, resting firmly on you as you leaned back against the head of your chair.

"stop!" you said, nails digging into the arms of your chair so deep, your knuckles turned white.

he didn't say anything. that made you laugh even more.

"so — so what, is — is the eastern division's commandant called madis?" you joked, and then found yourself guffawing even harder at your own comment. but before he could even respond (whether it was to scold you or to just stop you), you continued ridiculing him. "and the western division — the western division — what's his name then? kadis?"

commandant badis was not pleased with your joke. he simply stared at you, eye twitching every once in a while as he slammed the drawer shut without looking down at it once.

"no — no wait, wait! maybe we should rename each of the walls — shadis, badis and kadis!" you gasped out, chuckling. "oh but don't worry about madis, we'll just make another wall entirely, just for him!"

and you couldn't even tell if he had anything to say to that, for your laughter had echoed around the spacious room straight after the last syllable of the sentence left your lips.

it had been, perhaps, five good minutes before your laughter started to die down, and commandant badis took the opportunity to finally cut through your sniggering.

"are you done?" he'd said, voice gruff and hard, showcasing his displeasure.

you sighed, closing your eyes as you hung your head back over the head of your chair to face the ceiling.

"yeah," you breathed out, chest heaving. "i think."

"good. so we can get back to business —"

"poor madis," you muttered, giggling to yourself and simultaneously ignoring anything the commandant had to say to you.

"madis is my cousin, so i'd appreciate it if you stopped using his name in your little story."

"what?" you gasped, tears starting to well up in your eyes as you swallowed down the ear-splitting laugh that threatened to leave you. "madis actually exists?"

commandant badis knew his mistake then, revealing such information to you did not plead his case for you to simply shut up and just fill out the details on the paperwork sent over about you, especially not when you began cracking up again.

he thought to himself, as he watched you clench your stomach, why he had let this piece of information out so carelessly.

"so i could never be commandant because the entry requirement is for my name to end in -adis, right?" you asked, barely able to keep it together before he lost it.

"can we get BACK TO THE WORK NOW?" he shouted, reminding you of the version of him that you'd met back at the southern division during your extra training.

"woah," you breathed out, wiping at your eyes. "okay... okay, i'm sorry. let's —"

"yeah."

"yeah," you tiredly agreed.

even though the next ten minutes were spent with accidental giggles slipping out of you, you still managed to get most of the boring paperwork out of the way. commandant badis kept asking you the most unexciting questions in the world, you had half a mind to simply fall asleep. after all, you barely got any in the carriages that took you and your luggage over to utopia district. still, you repressed the urge, even though it physically and mentally drained you to do so.

"it says over here," commandant badis continued after what felt like ten long years, "that since your first day at the cadet corps, you've gotten too comfortable. in order words, this misbehaviour of yours isn't new."

you folded your arms over your chest defensively.

"why does everyone call it 'misbehaviour' like anyone else wouldn't do the same things i do?"

he regarded you with a look you did not particularly like. though his name was almost identical to keith's, his attitude was not. you actually preferred badis over shadis, minus the expression of aversion he was giving you.

"because they haven't done anything that warrants suspension, you miscreant," said badis, venom lacing each word.

before you could argue, the commandant had already flipped over the sheet of paper he'd been examining on his desk and leaned in to read more information. after tutting and shaking his head — you assumed it was because of the lies that were written about you — you'd been proven wrong when he continued to grumble to himself as he pulled open another drawer and placed thin-framed glasses over his nose.

he continued to casually read the paper, his disappointment still etched on his face like a bee to a flower.

"what i don't get is why they don't just permanently ban you," he said aloud.

you half believed that he hadn't meant for you to hear that, but when he continued to go on and on about it, his voice never wavering from its loud volume, you knew he'd meant for you to hear it.

rude, you thought in your head.

"i mean, with everything you've done... like 'faking amnesia when she stole from the kitchens with another cadet' — walls! — i'd have you gone within the hour."

you tilted your head in vague interest.

"they still remember that?" you accidentally blurted out. at the way badis's eyes shot up, you immediately recoiled. "i mean — i don't remember stealing from the —"

"just stop," he snapped, tone firm yet tired. "we both know what you're doing here."

you shrugged. he was right. it was impressive how you still managed to keep up the act of innocence and confusion with the matter as if you truly did not understand how the food from the kitchen miraculously ended up in your dorm. what shocked you was the fact that you were certain that had happened almost two years ago, were they seriously still salty about it?

"if my cadets ever did half the things you've done..." he continued lowly, eyes skimming and scanning the sheet, "thought that old fart was smarter than this. don't know why he chose a temporary suspension and not complete exclusion."

a part of your brain did not like the way badis was insulting keith, but when the memories of his home-wrecker-tendencies flashed before your eyes, all the defensiveness and sympathy flew out of you smoothly.

"it's because i'm actually number one in the rankings back at trost," you said carelessly.

your rested your knee over the other one with a confident smile on your face. commandant badis took a swift glance at you, back down at the paper with furrowed brows, and cleared his throat loudly.

"really?" he said.

"yep, i beat everyone back there," you nodded gracefully.

"because over here it says that you're ranked thirty-eighth —"

your smile dropped quick enough to rival even connie's speed using odm. he stared at you with a blank expression, you could barely meet his eyes at the embarrassment of being caught in such an easy lie.

immediately you stood up, wordlessly walking over to the door. it wasn't like this was the only reason you were choosing to leave. no, you felt that familiar churn in your lower abdomen, quite similar to the one back at keith's office that had been the reason you found yourself cleaning horse shit at the stables.

you did not want a repeat of that. the simple thought of that situation cured the embarrassment you felt simmering inside of you at the prospect of being caught out in a lie.

"where are you going, squirm?" commandant badis demanded as your hand turned the cool knob on the door.

please don't be like keith, you prayed in your head.

you turned back around and jutted a thumb at the open door behind you.

"have to go and do something real quick —"

"no."

your heart dropped to your stomach.

"no you don't understand," you tried reasoning desperately. "i can't — oh my god..." you let out a long breath of air to prevent yourself from bursting into tears. "i can't have a repeat of this again —"

"all right, you lied, big deal! i expected it anyway, there's no way you could be ranked number one anywhere —"

you could barely find it in yourself to be offended, the jittery feeling in your stomach taking your attention away from all else.

"sit back down," he ordered you strictly. when you shook your head, eyes pleading and brows raised, he shouted. "NOW!"

"please," you begged desperately. you rubbed your forehead with annoyance, dragging your hand down your face in exhaustion. "you don't get it — i have to leave — it's gonna stink!"

he raised a brow at you.

"if this is another one of your dumb antics — actions — shenanigans or something —"

you stomach churned. holding it in was never healthy, you remembered your mother telling you at one point. however, knowing this, you still did not want a repeat of what happened all those weeks ago.

"i'm begging you," you said, feeling the tears sting at the back of your eyes. you swallowed harshly, a lump lodged in your throat. "i'll come back inside, i promise! just after i —"

but commandant badis was having absolutely none of it. it was clear that he did not trust you enough to allow you to stand even right outside his office door without being watched over. it reminded you of that story your mother had told you once when you were about five or six — something about some kid crying about a wolf and then no one believing him... what was the name?

ah, right: the boy who cried wolf.

except you were not a boy and there was no wolf. so why the hell did your mother act as though your little mishap situation back at home had any correlation to a wolf and a boy?

dumb, but you could not dwell on the matter too long even if you so desperately wanted to. there was a much more pressing issue at hand, particularly the odd feeling swirling around your stomach. it was travelling lower and lower, pressing at your abdomen and somehow further down your back simultaneously.

the last thing you needed was a new nickname when you'd been given the fresh opportunity of starting anew. though you'd find out only moments later that luck was simply not on your side (not exactly new information, to be fair).

"just after you what, huh?" the commandant interrupted harshly. "run off and wreck havoc 'cause you don't know the place, huh? wake those lazy cadets up if you haven't already, HUH? ANSWER ME!"

"you and keith are the same!" you cried when the pressure became too much for you, so much so that you actually put a show of stomping your foot. "i'm doing this for your own good! ... and mine, but still!"

"watch that tone, you slimy snob!" he snapped at you, slamming his palm down on his desk with such strength, the remaining paperwork shook where it lay. he raised a pointer finger at you with narrowed ieyes. "look, you might've been able to pull at old shadis's hair where you came from, but round here, no one has more authority than i!"

you watched him for a moment, face still scrunched up out of desperation and slight pain (you'd gone against your morals and actually made an attempt to hold it in).

"keith... doesn't have any hair," you commented, wasting your last breath and moment of strength needed to hold the gas in on that silly little comment — you only realised how stupid that was of you when the gas you let escape was silent.

poof.

silent... just like the one that started it all.

oh.

you smiled at last: well at least your stomach felt better —

"what's that smell?" he questioned, slowly.

you glanced at the wall beside him, waiting surely. i've just about done it now, haven't i? you thought to yourself, feeling as though a twisted form of deja vu had taken place.

lovely.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・

the carriages were a hassle, but it was the only form of transport that he could use besides the gear he wore twenty-four-seven (and erwin had slightly lectured him about wasting gas just to travel the short distance from the scouts' quarters to the grounds of the cadet corps, also situated in trost).

he watched as members of the public stared and fawned at the sight of him grumpily observing from the large gap in the carriage he was sitting in. he hated it. it was because of them, after all, that the funding for the scout regiment was extremely low (that and the pigs of the military police). he found himself staring at a kid that had been looking up at him with wide eyes, only to cower back under his cold gaze.

he shifted his pupils to the cursed book in his hands — he hadn't meant to scare off the little kid, but his mind was plagued with the (somewhat) forbidden writing he had read and reread not so long ago.

he wouldn't be making his way down to trost if not for the act of returning your stupid diary, and make no mistake, your diary was absolutely stupid. he'd never in his life read something so dumb, so disgustingly detailed and completely untruthful till you and your too-happy self had come along and proved to him that writing could be as such. you just had to be so frustrating. who had raised you to become the way that you were? because he wanted to have a good and long conversation with the culprits.

he'd arrived at the cadet corps quicker than he'd expected, though it was something he knew happened when your mind was too occupied to focus on your surroundings: this was proof of it.

he ignored the stammering escort that had arrived with him, barely waving the nervous man off before marching towards the heavily-guarded grounds of the cadet corps. he watched the cadets carefully as he passed the training field. it seemed that most were on their lunch-break. he'd concluded that from the sight of several of them messing around, laughing and joking with each other. had they been doing this during training hours, shadis surely would have reprimanded them. though now that he really thought about it, he barely had you on a leash — who's to say that his discipline was good at all?

levi ignored the students on the field, making his way to the building he had once resided in a few years ago. not much had changed, he'd noticed, on the several occasions he'd been personally sought out to come over and study or teach the current students.

levi felt more and more anger towards you as his grip on the book tightened. it was you that had him walking towards the part of the building that was forbidden for any and all men. it was you that caused this entire issue to begin with. why did you have issues with merely following simple instructions? why did you struggle to behave properly?

why were you such a pain in his ass?

and most importantly, why were you such a liar? when had he married you and then broken up with you? he certainly didn't remember any of your interactions going along the lines of the traditional vows and contract, so where you got that impression from, he had no clue.

the closer he got to the girls' barracks, the more his blood simmered beneath his pale skin. never in his life did he find himself venturing the dorms belonging to the girls — until you. if he hadn't mentioned it before, or expressed it enough, you were extremely annoying. a pain in his ass. a thorn at his side. a devil in disguise.

but it was too late to feel embarrassment or shame and turn back, for he'd made it to his destination. he knew the door at the end of the hallway was your dorm, for he had once been in it.

levi had one job to do and then this entire situation with you would be over and done with: put the diary back where he found it and disappear unless he was given an order to accompany teaching with shadis.

he twisted the knob on your door, barely registering the fact that he should have knocked as he made his way in, eyeing the bunk bed pressed against the right side of the room and the single bed on the left. his tense shoulders drooped ever so slightly — he was glad your dorm-mates (whoever they were) were not present.

he eyed the book in his hand, contemplating, before cursing you in his head for your complete corruption of his once innocent mind and slammed the book down on your desk, turning away and preparing to leave, only to find himself turning back at the sight of your broken cupboard. how did that even happen? why was the majority of your stuff broken (your cupboard, the hairbrush on the desk — that of which was also standing on three legs instead of four).

you'd better pay for that, he thought to you in his head.

he wouldn't deny that — surprisingly — your room was cleaner than expected: your bed made and the floors dusted, but he didn't trust you enough to believe that you were responsible for the cleanliness of your own room. probably her roommates.

he wasn't too surprised in finding that only your possessions were broken and that the rest — which he wisely assumed belong to the other girls you roomed with — were perfectly intact. what the hell was wrong with you?

he tutted as he swiped a finger across your desk, expecting his smooth skin to be dusted with dirt and grime, only to be proven foolishly wrong by the sight of nothing. your (broken) desk was clean. he looked around. he didn't know which was your bed, but all three were smooth and made.

levi only then realised that he probably should not have lingered for so long. the thought stuck, especially when he heard the creak of your door once more. he half-turned, almost expecting you to stand there in front of him, before harshly reminding himself that you were currently suspended.

instead, standing at the opened door was another cadet, one he had seen you hang around with, and it wasn't the friendly freckled boy or even the incredibly tall one: it was a girl, tall in stature with big brown eyes, her hair in a high ponytail which had become slightly loose from all the physical training. she had a look on her face that reminded him of you (only slightly). it was curious and pressing. the only difference he could visibly notice was the fact that you would have beamed at the sight of him. this cadet was simply... confused.

"captain levi?" she said, eyes wide and brows raised.

he almost kicked himself for choosing to listen to the devil on his shoulder and wander around your room, because look where he found himself now.

"that's me," he responded, almost making a move to leave before the curious cadet bombarded him with the very question he was aimlessly hoping she would not ask.

"what're you doing here?"

he repressed the urge to groan loudly. he had nobody to blame but himself.

and you, of course.

levi shoved his hands in his pockets and tried not to scowl. he had to act as though he hadn't made a mistake, even though it was quite obvious that he had. he could only hope this annoying cadet was as clueless as you were.

"none of your business," he responded icily.

he didn't know what he expected from this friend of yours, but as she replied back to him, he couldn't help but think that he should have foreseen it. after all, he didn't imagine you to befriend just about anyone, no matter how social you were.

"but it is my business," the girl bravely commented. "this is my room."

...

at his cold stare, she scrambled to look for an explanation. in doing so, he carelessly watched as she pressed a fist to her heart and stood up straight. he supposed that was another obvious difference between the two of you — this nosy girl understood her position in the cadet corps. you breached it.

"i mean —" she began, the whites of her eyes much more prominent than when she'd first spotted him only a few seconds prior, "not that you have to — like — explain yourself to me or whatever, captain levi! i just meant — well i didn't really mean it — but what i actually wanted to say was —"

"save it," he interrupted, exasperated. "you sound like oluo when i look at him in passing."

she blinked at him.

"oluo?" she repeated, visibly addled.

he did not care to explain to her who oluo was. instead, he gave her a look of contempt and made his way to the door she was standing by. she did not need to be told; she stepped to the side to allow him the space to leave. that, he noted, as he mumbled a low order of 'at ease', was another difference between you and her. she was well aware of social cues. you lacked them.

levi once again ignored the gasps and stares of the cadets as he walked by, unable to rid the pressing feeling at the back of his mind that questioned how lifeless the cadet corps seemed that day.

and several days after that one too.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・

day 1:

it was only your first day here and you found yourself already on duty in the mess hall, helping the old ladies serve breakfast for the cadets as punishment for your little... incident. accident was probably the better word for it.

it was odd. this had never been a punishment from where you came from back at trost. usually, keith would send you to the stables, have you clean two entire classrooms with no break, or worse: spend dinner running laps instead of eating. this punishment, however, as you plated some bread and cheese for the small girl standing across from you, didn't seem so bad.

you noticed how timid she seemed. you secretly added another piece of bread on her plate and handed it to her confidently. her brows became tight, eyes searching yours in confusion. you winked at her (or tried to, because you still hadn't mastered it somehow) and she walked away, still looking bewildered, not a spring in her step which was unlike what you expected.

"i was trying to say it's a secret!" you called out after her, annoyed that she hadn't understood. who wouldn't understand? a wink was a wink, whether it was done correctly or not!

collectively, the old ladies stared at you, watching the interaction with obvious critique in their eyes and faces. you waved your spatula at them dismissively.

"don't judge me, i'm new. i learn quick though, so don't worry about it," you assured them, returning back to your task as another male cadet approached you, tray at hand and a friendly smile on his face.

you had to do a double-take at the sight, nearly dropping the large wooden spoon you held tightly in your hands at your surprise. if you blurred your vision intentionally, you were almost one hundred percent certain that you'd mistake this amiable gentleman for your dear friend marco.

the similarities between the two were uncanny. like marco, he had dark hair that gleamed under the light seeping through the gap between the double doors of the hall, looking so soft that you couldn't help but have the silent, intrusive urge to reach up and run your fingers through it. his smoothly rounded jaw and gentle smile that reached his eyes were features you distinctly remembered marco possessing. the resemblance left you blinking up at him dumbfounded, completely taken aback by his appearance.

"is... something wrong?" he voiced, when it became clear that you would simply stand there and gawk.

he even sounded like marco.

you nearly cried, for you missed him dearly. it didn't matter to you whether you had been gone for a day, a week, or even a year — it was marco. sasha had once explained separation anxiety to you, recounting the time when keith had sent her to run laps while connie was forced to clean his office for goofing around during training. she had described it as sheer torture, exaggerating her words to make it seem like a punishment as dreadful as mucking out the stables. at the time, you had thought she was being overly dramatic. but now, looking up at marco's near-double, you realised she had been right all along.

you beamed at him, shaking your head and loading his tray up with extra bread and cheese. he recoiled as you continued to do so, clear that you would not stop.

"er —" he began, visibly and audibly concerned. still, you had no plans on stopping. "i — i don't need this much —"

"no," you said, using your gloved hands to level an extra potato on top of the loaded pile of food you had already burdened him with. "you have to eat."

"thank you..." he said, and you couldn't help but think of your marco, how humble he always seemed. you expected a 'but', and you were right in doing so, for marco 2.0 was not finished. "but i'll be really full —"

"pocket some of it then," you told him, voice low. "where i'm from, they're always stingy about food portions. so eat."

he opened his mouth, to argue with you, no doubt. too righteous, you thought, shooing him silently. when he hadn't moved, still looking sheepish, you came to another conclusion. too stubborn. annoying. like my marco.

"lalala, i can't hear you!" you sang, making an obvious attempt to ignore marco 2.0's feet that were still lodged into the floor before you, immovable, unyielding, and unrelenting. "next!"

the smile you had been maintaining slipped away like water through your fingers as the fake marco finally moved aside, revealing a tall cadet with a scowl that could curdle milk. his expression, dark and stormy, made it clear that he was thoroughly unimpressed with you for some unfathomable reason. however, calling him tall was probably an understatement. this cadet was a giant, lanky like a bean sprout, so much so that when you lifted your gaze, you were met with his chest rather than his face. when you tilted your chin higher, meeting his eyes, you noticed how the shape of them, narrow, seemed rather familiar, like someone you knew.

the long face was what had you finally put your finger on it. paired with the permanent grimace, sharp jawline, and what seemed to be slightly darker than the usual ash blonde you were used to, you came to the horrifying realisation that the male cadet resembled jean a little too much.

you didn't like it.

"you're holding up the queue," he'd unhelpfully informed you, as though your kindness towards marco's doppelganger was unjustified. what an idiot.

"you look like jean," you said, your words sharp as daggers as your eyes slowly raked up and down his figure.

the unidentified twin glowered down at you, clearly unimpressed.

"who the hell is jean?" he demanded, visibly irked.

you scoffed, shaking your head.

"even got an attitude like him too," you tutted out loud, reaching for the wooden spoon lodged into a field of peas. you looked up, tilting your head at him curiously. "do you like peas?"

his eyes narrowed into slits, radiating irritation like a cat ready to pounce with his lips pressed into a thin, unforgiving line, as if he were biting back a torrent of scathing words. at your innocent question, the furrow in his brow deepened, like a crack spreading through ice.

"no —"

"well now you do," you said, joyfully plating several green peas onto his plate, ignoring his loud protests, only stopping when he took several steps back in order to move his plate out of reach. "next!"

"what — no!" he argued, only forcing you to raise your brow at him challengingly. "you can't just give me a few peas. i hate 'em!"

"cope," you dismissively said, tilting your chin up at him as though you were of higher authority. in some ways, you were. you didn't believe that the rules here in the north applied to you anyway. you were a child of the south, and proud of it too. they didn't need to know why you were here to begin with (or how you had been so brave, the higher ups had ended up writing new rules because of you). duplicate-jean was just going to have to get used to it.

this unknown-jean was a little too much like your old friend too. quick to anger, you thought, examining the onslaught of colourful curses he yelled at you. stubborn, you added thoughtfully, watching as he stated something about refusing to move till you served him right. and simply tired, forwhen real-jean dealt with you, he'd give up after a while, just as fake-jean had, when it had become quite clear that all you had to offer him were peas (which according to him, he couldn't stomach).

you met him halfway, throwing a piece of bread at him with impeccable aim; it landed right on his peas. the rude bastard didn't even thank you. you would remember that for next time.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・

the sun blazed high in the clear blue sky, its bright rays casting sharp shadows across the concrete floors of the training field. despite the warmth and light, the place felt sterile and cold, the grey expanse of concrete stretching out in a monotonous, uninviting uniformity. it wasn't usually like this. or at least, he didn't remember it to be like this. even the vivid colours of the cadets' uniforms were dulled, as if washed out by the stark brightness of the day. it felt unnatural, odd, almost monotonous, as though each cadets' movements were the same, repetitive, like a broken record.

the rhythmic clatter of boots echoed through the air, but rather than motivating or energising him, it only highlighted the desolation of the scene.

birds chirped cheerfully from a distance, their songs a stark contrast to the sombre atmosphere that enveloped the field. the golden sunlight, which should have brought more movement and energy, felt more like a spotlight on the bleakness that permeated the area. he couldn't place his finger on it, but something was not right. everything was dull, nothing was asking for his attention, intriguing him.

he watched as several cadets made exaggerative movements as he passed by. he knew they did it to impress him, to have him glance at them and give them a reaction, something they could use for their self-satisfaction. he didn't like that. he silently cursed his position whenever he'd see the rookies look over their shoulders in the case that he just so happened to be looking. well, he had no where else to look and coincidentally locked gazes with them as he mindlessly passed by.

the usual bustling energy was conspicuously absent, replaced by a heavy stillness that seemed to press down on everything. it was a sunny day, but through the lens of this moment, it felt devoid of warmth and joy, a hollow reminder of what was missing, if anything at all.

levi found this to be one of the monotonous days, reminiscent of the days the scouts would simply eat, train, plan, and then repeat. over the last few weeks, he had found that being called over to the cadet corps to govern and teach the cadets had been a little more interesting than back in the day. even so, he simply could not find the reason as to what had changed.

moments like these called for hange to come over and chat his ear off about another one of the titans she'd been experimenting on, but he would never voice that out loud. ever.

he didn't have much interest in many things, he was well aware of that fact. it could explain why he was so terribly bored walking around and correcting fighting stances and positions. while shadis managed the east side of the training field, shouting curses, threats and insults at those he had been watching over, levi managed the west side, silently judging and observing, correcting where necessary. his sour mood meant that his already blunt tone came off as more aggressive than he naturally intended it to be.

it was the small group at the back corner of the field, nearing the woods, that caught his attention. he knew them: the brunette girl who styled her hair in a high ponytail (now messier than when he'd last seen her back in your dorm room) was holding the wooden weapon, waiting to be disarmed by her shorter partner: a male, scrawny and energetic. your friends, he had concluded, watching him through half-lidded eyes. he could tell.

there wasn't much to correct — it almost annoyed him. as infuriating as you were, as many headaches you might have given shadis and the rest of the staff that worked here, as troublesome as you might be, there was one thing levi acknowledged that he'd most likely never voice. it was the fact that you had skill. and so too did your stupid, silly friends, it seemed.

to him, it looked as though they were simply enjoying the combat instead of really trying, and even then, their fighting stances were accurate; the way they moved was impressive. the bald one was quick on his feet, and when the girl took everyone by surprise by throwing her weapon at him (which was not the task, he had to add) she had hit him square in the centre of his forehead, aim impeccable. all of this, he thought, without even noticing his presence. it told him enough about their rankings. he'd probably rank the male one a five. the female was bordering a five or six, too.

a couple metres to the right of them was where the set up for the odm training had been laid out. surrounded by multiple cadets, levi watched as the ash blonde and dark haired friends of yours took charge, showing off their skills as they released themselves straight into the air, turning midway and diving back down again, all with a swift, smooth and simultaneous landing.

he had not realised that he had been walking until he found himself standing before them, face stony and unreadable. the area around them had gone quiet, his footsteps the only sound, the bottom of his boots scraping against the rough concrete.

"get back to work," he demanded, tired of the gawking eyes watching his every move.

they scrambled, waiting in line for their turn with the gear, whispering among themselves.

as your dark haired friend worked on taking his gear off, while the ash blonde one pulled on the wires holding them up, examining them as though they were faulty, he approached them, posing the question before all else.

"i see cadet l/n's not here," he stated, the freckle-faced boy looking up at him with a sheepish smile.

"yeah... she was suspended, sir," he explained hesitantly, as though levi did not know.

of course he knew. he was the one tasked with passing the message on to you... although he never did.

"who doesn't know at this point?" said levi, and he hadn't meant for it to be hyperbolic.

really and truly, with you having the higher ups write new sanctions, bending the rules so that a suspension could be possible, he assumed that anyone who didn't know your name was either living under a rock or simply intellectually challenged. with this in mind, he slowly shifted his gaze to the other friend of yours; he looked like he wanted to be anywhere else within the walls but in the captain's presence. levi thought he understood him, in a way. he was, after all, associated with you of all people. he couldn't imagine pride radiating from your grumpy friend, not when you had not given him much reason for praise.

"did she tell you when she'd be back?" he asked, because he truly did not know. he didn't care to listen to shadis's long rants about you, mostly leaving mid-vent. "if she hasn't already escaped somehow," he added, refraining from rolling his eyes at the thought.

"no, but i wouldn't put it past her," the ash blonde friend of yours spoke up with a grunt. for someone who he would see spend nearly all his time training with you and the freckled boy, it sure did seem as though he was more your foe than your friend.

the kinder friend of yours chuckled nervously, half abashed and half jovial.

"if she had an escape plan, i think she would have told us," he'd said, but after turning his head to lock eyes with the taller cadet behind him, he cleared his throat and continued with a smile. "...i think she would have told me."

the small scoff that the ash blonde cadet had let out did not got unnoticed by levi. the captain's brows barely shifted as he watched him carefully, observing the way he frustratedly tugged at his own gear and shook the gas canisters to check how much had remained. it sounded full.

levi had no reason to linger there any longer. he had a slew of cadets to observe, a daunting and time-consuming task that awaited him. as much as he dreaded the monotony, his duty required his attention elsewhere. when he had made the move to turn on his heel and leave, the light-voiced friend of yours spoke up, immediately grabbing his attention.

"do you have to tell her something?" he asked, with a smile that levi could only describe as dopy and child-like. "i can pass the message on to her, if you like?"

"don't bother," he stated, and he hoped that the authority in his voice could be registered clearly, he hoped the weight of his words left no room for argument or doubt. the very last thing he needed was for you to find out that he had spent less than five minutes wondering about your whereabouts. knowing you, you'd take it as an ego boost and spread a lie about how he took an hour of his precious time asking around for you due to your impressive ability and potential (despite being ranked so poorly). there was no telling with you... and he didn't like that either. "just get back to work."

he fled the scene, hearing the usual affirmations of 'yes, sir' as he did so.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・

day 2:

you had spent the last four hours on the training field, taking breaks in between each hour for ten minutes before continuing again. your muscles screamed with each movement, as if they were rebellious children refusing to cooperate, though it was not like you had much of a choice. as harsh as the system back in the south was, the last thing you needed was an extension for how long you would stay here for. but you were tired. fatigue weighed heavily on your limbs, turning them into leaden anchors that dragged you down with every step. the sun's relentless glare felt like a spotlight on your weariness, intensifying the sensation of being trapped in a never-ending cycle of exertion. boredom gnawed at the edges of your mind, a persistent itch you couldn't scratch, as the repetitive drills became a monotonous blur.

you longed for the company of your friends, their laughter and banter a distant memory that felt like a lifeline you couldn't quite grasp. the field, never once a place of camaraderie and shared purpose like back at trost, felt like a barren wasteland, devoid of the familiar faces that brought the other one to life.

you missed marco. you missed the way he'd smile at your jokes, his sheepish grin timid and gentle, lighting up his face with a warmth that felt like a ray of sunshine on a cloudy day. unlike many others who-shall-not-be-named-as-of-right-now, marco's light brown eyes would sparkle with genuine amusement, crinkling at the corners as if you had said something funny enough to make even keith crack a smile. the absence of his quiet laughter and the gentle teasing that had always followed your banter left a hollow void, making the training field feel even more desolate and empty.

you didn't particularly miss jean. you missed annoying him, sure. you missed the sour look on his face when you'd say something out of pocket and he happened to be the unfortunate one to be near you at the time, enough to catch every word. you almost smiled thinking about that, your hands working tirelessly at your gear as you re-filled your gas canister. you thought long and hard, patiently waiting for it to be filled to the brim. no, you concluded, you did not miss jean...

you missed what came with him though... embarrassing him, annoying him, teasing him, hitting him, embarrassing him, attacking him, embarrassing him, embarrassing him, embarrassing him, etc.

you missed him.

mina. you missed her, too. her kind and nurturing nature was like a soothing balm, always there to provide comfort and support when you needed it most. you missed the way she'd listen intently to your worries, her light brown eyes filled with empathy and understanding, never drilling into you about your worries being unrealistic or dramatic (seriously, the girl sat with you and listened to you press on about the fear of attracting a titan). the training field felt lonelier without her reassuring smile and the way she could effortlessly bring everyone together. if mina was an inanimate object, you thought in your head, smiling to yourself, it'd be a glue.

you definitely missed sasha. you missed her insatiable appetite and the way she'd sneak extra rations back to the dorm, sharing them with a conspiratorial wink and a grin that made you feel like partners in crime. her laugh, loud and unabashed, would echo through the halls, lifting everyone's spirits no matter how gruelling the day had been. your dorm mates now merely watched you with bored eyes, silent glances at one another, as if you had been part of a running joke you were unaware of. sleeping felt emptier without sasha's vibrant presence, the silence a stark contrast to the lively chatter and playful antics that usually filled the space.

you and mikasa did not speak on deeper levels as much, but she was a quiet listener, and you were a proud yapper. you missed the way she would nod thoughtfully as you rambled on, her dark eyes focused and attentive, making sure you had felt truly heard. mikasa's stoic yet compassionate nature provided an unspoken support, and you had found solace in the simplicity of just being together. the training field felt even more daunting without her steady gaze and the silent assurance that she was always there, quietly listening.

when hannah would sit and study with you, her eyes constantly darted around, as if seeking out someone else in the crowd. it had annoyed you back then, barely two days ago, when you'd call her out and tell her that it was abundantly clear who she had been looking for, distracted. she would blush, tell you it wasn't what you were thinking, you knew otherwise, and then you'd continue working on the answer to how jorge pikale discovered that a titan's weak point was the nape of the neck.

franz was nice, you supposed. it was a little jarring when he'd unknowingly divert hannah's attention from you to him and then continue to deny it. he was good to her, though. he was fine.

connie was almost in the exact same boat as jean. there was little to miss about him, constantly loud and in your ear. he would probably be up your ass too if he had the opportunity to be, you sourly thought, remembering each and every situation where he felt the need to voice his opinion on whatever you'd gotten up to... like the time where you had snuck into the boys' barracks with a shit ton of ink to draw over thomas's face, and he had very loudly asked what you were doing and why you had been equipped with so much ink. not the brightest one in the room, that one.

sandra was nice to you. not particularly the greatest, but a familiar face either way. as were many other cadets back at trost.

reiner was like an older brother, though recently, you hadn't felt like interacting with him as much, not when he relished in your defeat. you hoped you taught him a lesson.

armin was sweet, reminding you of marco in every which way. his thoughtful explanations and patient guidance on the academic aspect of the training corps made even the most challenging parts seem manageable. the long study sessions where he'd help you untangle complex theories were some of your most cherished memories, filled with his insightful comments. you weren't particularly bad at any of it (contrary to popular belief); you just needed occasional help. so, whenever your teacher separated you from marco to prevent copying, or when jean refused to share his answers, armin's tutoring sessions over dinner became invaluable. it helped that he had all the patience in the world, too!

eren was all right: he provided endless entertainment whenever you would purposely say something to make his blood boil, watching his fiery reactions with a mix of amusement and satisfaction. he was nosy, very nosy, but funny nonetheless. you still felt half bad for what you had accidentally done to him. it was an honest mistake, you thought to yourself, fixing up your gear again and making your way over to the training field where everyone had moved away from odm to hand-to-hand combat, your personal favourite. won't happen again.

your mind wandered, daydreaming of easier times and the comfort of friendly voices, but each snap back to reality was a jarring reminder of your isolation. the minutes stretched on like hours, each tick of the clock mocking your struggle. as the drills continued, your spirit felt as drained as your body, the emptiness of the field amplifying the absence of those who made it bearable.

"hey — new girl!"

you looked over your shoulder, met with the sight of a rather pretty girl making her way towards you, strutting more than she was marching. as she approached, you couldn't help but notice the confident sway in her stride. her sharp features were framed by a cascade of fluffy hair, falling in waves and stopped just short of her smooth neck.

like a lap dog came a taller man, running after her and seemingly out of breath. you thought he could do with a better haircut. he looked like a mushroom.

the girl stopped before you, a decent amount of space put between the two of you before she posed her pressing question.

"are you really ranked as number one from — where was it? — the east?" she'd said, voice firm, demanding an answer.

you grinned. it wasn't like commandant badis was around to un-do your lies...

"the south, but yeah," you effortlessly lied, throwing your hair back over your shoulder with an easy smile. "no one's beaten me for my spot in the last two years."

the boy behind her gaped at you. you had half a mind to wink, but after your last two experiences with the action, you thought otherwise.

"making it to the top ten is hard," the girl commented, eyes narrowed in a way that made her long lashes brush her pale cheeks. she looked sceptical. you couldn't find it in you to care that much.

the boy sent you a toothy smile.

"that's impressive!" he said, extending an arm and holding a hand out for you to shake. "i'm marlowe!"

you had already shaken his hand by the time his name had shock-wired something in your brain. you drew back quickly, as if you'd been burned by his touch.

"marlowe?" you repeated, nose scrunched in mild disgust. "why are you trying to copy my marco?"

"..."

"huh —"

"marlowe, marco, marlowe, marco," you repeated, raising a brow at him. "don't copy my marco —"

"hey, i don't want any trouble," the copycat interrupted, hands raised in some form of surrender as he peered down at you with anything but malice.

so he's copying marco's humble personality too? you questioned in your head, about to grill into him for doing something so childish before he beat you to speaking.

"i didn't... copy 'your' marco," he said, hands slowly resting by his sides again when it had become quite clear that your aggression was leisurely dying down. "that's just my name. marlowe."

you frowned, still not impressed. perhaps it was because you had spent two days without interacting with marco (the longest since you first met him two years ago). it was tiring, you noted, especially when you still had the rest of the week to go, and the week after that before you returned to trost.

"anyway," said the girl, tilting her head up with unbridled judgement, "my name's hitch. what's yours?"

"y/n," you answered, not exactly seeing the point of voicing your own name back because you had not planned on staying here permanently.

"y/n... people have been talking," said hitch, her eyes narrowing slightly as she gauged your reaction, the hint of suspicion evident in her tone. "they're not convinced that you're ranked number one."

you raised a brow, simultaneously adjusting the straps over your uniform to better prepare yourself for good use of your gear. safety purposes too, you supposed. these people seemed to be harder to sway than those back at trost, you realised. with obvious irritation, you spoke up loudly.

"why not? i got sent here because they said i needed to be a role model to you guys —"

hitch pursed her lips in doubt. "huh? i heard you got suspended —"

"— yeah well that's not true," you hurriedly faux-corrected her, averting your gaze by examining the sky — which had also turned out to be a bad idea, for the sun had completely blinded you upon contact and you found yourself slapping your hands over your eyes, rubbing them furiously to silence the pain.

the pair didn't wait for you to recover before they gave their responses.

"boris told us that the commandant said you're trost's trouble-cadet," hitch continued, sounding certain.

"and that you were sent here because of behavioural issues," marlowe finished off, by which point your vision had finally returned and you were now blinking up at the two of them to rid the water in your eyes.

"what the hell is a boris?" you said, scoffing. "ugh, whatever. what kind of a name is boris? i'd jump straight off the walls if my parents named me boris."

hitch's firm and stony expression had started to crack. a smirk tugged at the corners of her mouth despite her obvious attempts at maintaining her serious demeanour, but the incredulity of your statement was too much to keep her composure. a soft, mocking laugh escaped her lips as she tilted her head slightly, clearly entertained by the conversation.

"he's ranked number one here," she informed you, a hand hovering by her thinly-shaped brows to shield her eyes from the demeaning gaze of the sun. "he's an ass to everyone, but i guess he's found his new target."

"he's jealous that i'm ranked one, too?" you laughed, internally praying that badis would not miraculously materialise behind you and (loudly) accuse you of lying for the second time within the same week. "wow, must be a skill."

"i mean, the only way to shut him up is to give him a good run for his money," said hitch, and you couldn't help but think that there was an underlying message behind her words, as though suggesting you do something without actually outright saying it.

you frowned. "so i should go and beat him up?"

marlowe recoiled, arms extended to wave his hands around frantically.

"no, no, no! no, don't do that!" he'd said, alarmed. "you gotta speak to him first."

"oh," you pouted, nodding. you perked up once more, smiling again. "and then i should go and beat him up?"

"scrap the idea of beating him up entirely," said marlowe, visibly startled. his face was a canvas of sheer panic, his eyes wide and darting around like a cornered animal. his hands shook slightly, like the delicate trembling of a leaf about to fall, and e stood rigid, as if rooted to the spot, his unnecessary fear starkly evident despite his attempts to maintain a calm exterior. "you could get into serious trouble for that," he continued, frowning.

you shrugged. "commandant likes me."

another tiny white lie, so what? it never hurt anybody.

"well i think you should beat his ass," said hitch, blunt and fierce. "but marlowe's right. so the next best thing is to challenge him with odm training. the higher ups just put up the fake titans for us to kill. challenge him on a one-to-one battle. you know how it works — the winner's the one who gets the most kills by the end of the timer."

you thought long and hard. if this boris truly was ranked as first place here in utopia, it meant that your skills were perhaps not refined enough to challenge him at such a battle. losing meant that you would lose the trust of the people here (not that they trusted you much anyway, but at the very least, if you won, you could prove your strength to them). the very last thing you needed was for them to find out the very poor ranking you had found yourself sitting gloomily at.

thirty eight.

you'd make up your mind the second you started hallucinating the ugly number around you, the number three pressed on hitch's cheek and the number eight hovering above marlowe's atrocious bowl-cut.

"which one of them is a boris?" youasked, shielding your eyes from the bright sun as you glanced over at the rest of the cadets walking into the woods where the next set of training would begin.

hitch placed her hand on your shoulder and directed your body to face the other way. "see the guy with the silver-blondish hair near the stables?"

you hadn't caught him at first, eyes zeroing in on everyone but a male with silver-blondish hair. from where the three of you were standing, a lot of the cadets simply moved like background characters, barely visible to the naked eye until you squinted, searching for him.

the crowd of cadets was a sea of uniforms, each blending into the next as they went about their training routines. you scanned the faces, your eyes darting from one person to another, but it felt like trying to find a needle in a haystack. a sigh of frustration escaped your lips as you craned your neck, standing on tiptoes to get a better view. your impatience grew with each passing second, the lack of familiarity of the faces around you only serving to highlight the absence of the one you were searching for; it was like looking for a single star in a sky full of constellations, and the more you searched, the more elusive he seemed.

"there, look!" said hitch, extending her arm to point despite marlowe's protests of looking impolite. "talking to gordon!"

"gordon?" you repeated, uncertain.

"the tall guy with the long chin," she clarified, impatient.

a small wave of relief washed over you as your eyes finally landed on him, his silver-blonde hair catching the light and standing out amidst the sea of cadets. there he was, tall and unmistakable, standing by the stables and engaged in conversation with gordon. the frustration of the once-fruitless search melted away, replaced by a warm sense of accomplishment.

determination set in as you started towards him, each step deliberate and fuelled by the simmering displeasure you felt. the distance between you seemed to stretch endlessly, the path winding like a snake through the bustling cadets. your muscles protested with every stride, the soreness from hours of relentless training flaring up anew. it was as if your legs were weighed down by invisible chains, each step a test of your resolve.

the sun beat down mercilessly, its harsh glare matching the intensity of your irritation. sweat trickled down your back, mingling with the ache in your shoulders and legs, a constant reminder of the gruelling hours spent on the training field. yet, the sight of his silver-blonde hair and the casual way he conversed with that gordon guy spurred you on, each pulse of pain sharpening your focus. even so, you remembered what you had been told. you wouldn't attack him, not even if he said something that would light your fuse, and you repeated this mantra in your head like a prayer, trying hard not to forget it. it would be a calm conversation, you had decided, one where you would act civil and politely challenge him in a test of skills with the use of your precious gear. you weren't threatened: you were good with your gear, even when rattled. excusing the one time where your ex-husband captain levi had rattled you, you still remember doing well when you rushed back to your dorm room that time, all without injuring yourself or being caught.

you shook the traitorous memory out of your head and focused on the situation at hand.

you could feel your jaw clenching, your hands balling into fists at your sides, ready to silence him if need be. the closer you got, the more your annoyance crystallised, turning into a steely determination. the thought of confronting him propelled you forwards, overriding the exhaustion gnawing at your limbs. it was as if your frustration was a second wind, carrying you through the soreness and weariness, fuelling the fire that burned within.

standing in front of him, you straightened your posture, forcing a semblance of calm. you repeated to yourself that maintaining composure was crucial, that a level-headed approach would yield better results. your goal was to handle this maturely, to rise above the irritation that simmered beneath the surface. you rehearsed polite, measured words in your mind, envisioning a conversation where you could express your displeasure without resorting to anger.

you forced a tight smile, repeating a silent mantra of civility. a measured approach was always more effective, and you could get your point across without raising your voice or resorting to hostility. but as he turned to face you, the look on his face — smug, indifferent, almost mocking — ignited a spark of rage within you.

the fuse had been lit.

you punched him.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・

"what... is WRONG WITH YOU?"

sitting in the commandant's office, you couldn't help but smile, the corners of your lips curling up in a serene, almost blissful expression. the commandant's words washed over you like a distant, unintelligible hum, their meaning lost in the fog of your contentment. you nodded occasionally, maintaining the appearance of attentiveness, but your thoughts were far from the reprimand being delivered.

your mind had drifted to lighter things, the tension of the day melting away as you basked in your small victory. the commandant's stern gaze and raised voice seemed inconsequential, mere background noise to your quiet satisfaction. each scolding word bounced off you harmlessly, unable to penetrate the bubble of tranquillity you had found yourself resting quietly in. you were oblivious to the gravity of the situation, lost in a world where the repercussions seemed miles away. you thought that boris thing deserved it anyway.

"explain yourself!"

you sighed, drumming your fingers over the arm of your chair, half bored, half thrilled.

"okay..." you began, speaking for the first time in a while since the yelling lecture had begun. commandant badis folded his arms over his chest, his body looming over yours from behind the desk. he had been so rattled and angry with you, he hadn't sat in his chair once. "i was training."

he glowered down at you, pale, wrinkly face turning pink with each second that went by. you took that as a sign to hurry up and continue before he smashed your face in through the floorboards.

"i was just teaching him how to do hand-to-hand!" you lied, shrugging as if you had done nothing wrong (in your mind, you hadn't, but you had to speak in the same language as the rest of the boring higher ups).

the commandant's face was a storm of fury, his eyes blazing like molten lava beneath furrowed brows. his cheeks were flushed crimson, the colour creeping up to his temples, where veins pulsed visibly with each heartbeat.

"hand-to-hand was completed for the day!" he reminded you, repressing the urge to shake you by the shoulders. "YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE PRACTICING USING THE OMNI-DIRECTIONAL MOBILITY GEAR!"

"okay, okay!" you hurriedly replied, falling so far back into your chair, your back ached against the hard wood. "i lied... see, i was actually teaching him a lesson."

his mouth was a thin, taut line, quivering with the effort to restrain the torrent of anger threatening to spill over.

you took that as a sign to continue.

"i heard that he's ranked number one here from a few people, so i was just making sure that he deserves to be number one," you explained, using multiple hand movements to reiterate your point. "i noticed that they don't teach the cadets here this... i was trying to test him, get him to use his brain and see if he could defend himself and get away from a surprise attack using his... wait for it... odm gear!"

as he glared at you, his expression was a thunderhead ready to unleash its wrath, every feature a testament to his barely contained rage. you foolishly continued.

"he failed the test by the way —"

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?" he thundered once more, his voice echoing with exasperation.

commandant badis's face was a stormy canvas of fury, his eyes burning like twin infernos beneath thunderous brows, his cheeks flushed as red as embers, and his mouth twisted into a snarl like a predator ready to pounce.

"well, i'm not the one sitting in the hospital now, am i?" you countered, palms raised up by your shoulders as you shrugged. "so clearly there's something wrong with him, not me."

he glared at you with eyes that could pierce steel, his gaze sharp as daggers and searing with unbridled fury, like a predator locking onto its prey with unwavering intensity. every line on his face etched with anger, his jaw clenched so tight it seemed ready to shatter. you could feel the weight of his disapproval bearing down on you, suffocating and intense, like a heavy blanket threatening to smother you. this felt oddly nostalgic. you didn't know why.

"i think you should knock him down a couple ranks," you advised him, lowering your voice as though the conversation was illegal knowledge that could only be heard of between you and commandant badis. "maybe down to ten... fifteen... twenty five and, i don't know, thirty eight —"

the rest of the day had been spent running laps around the premises, with no lunch and no dinner. even keith wouldn't have punished you this badly.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・

day 3:

blindfolded in the carriage, you felt every jolt and bump of the rough road beneath you, the wooden seat creaking with each uneven motion. the rhythmic clopping of the horses' hooves echoed in your ears, a steady beat that was occasionally interrupted by the sharp crack of the driver's whip and the soft murmurs of encouragement to the horses. the wind whistled past, carrying with it the earthy scent of damp soil and the faint aroma of pine needles. you could hear the rustling of leaves as the carriage passed through the forest, the sounds blending into a symphony of nature that was both soothing and disorienting. your hands gripped the edge of the seat, knuckles white, as the carriage swayed unpredictably, each lurch sending a tremor through your body and making your heart race with the uncertainty of what lay ahead.

the blindfold heightened your other senses, making every sound and movement seem amplified. you could feel the vibrations of the carriage wheels against the uneven ground, each bump jarring your spine and making you wince. the leather of the seat was cool and smooth beneath your fingertips, a stark contrast to the roughness of the road. the scent of the horses, a mix of sweat and hay, was strong and familiar, grounding you in the midst of the sensory overload. you would have made a joke about jean and his uncanny similarity to the horses, but knew that nobody sitting around you would understand just what you were getting at. so you sat quietly, laughing about it in your head, picturing the sour expression on his long face as though he were right next to you.

occasionally, the driver's voice would break through the cacophony, calling out directions or commands, the authority in his tone a reminder of the task at hand.

today was one of those rare occasions where you and the rest of the cadet corps were divided into various groups and taken beyond the standard training field to complete diverse tasks and activities. your group was being led into the forest, and the blindfold over your eyes ensured you had no idea where you would be left off. the thrill of the unknown mingled with a tinge of anxiety as you and several others were guided through the trees, each bump along the road taking you further into the wilderness and away from the familiar routines of your usual training.

the task was simple: work as a group to find your way back home.

it wasn't long before the carriage came to a complete stop, the abrupt stillness almost as jarring as the bumpy ride had been. the rhythmic clopping of the horses' hooves ceased, replaced by their soft snorts and the rustling of leaves in the gentle breeze. you could hear the driver dismount and the faint creak of the carriage door opening. the sudden silence amplified your other senses, and you felt the anticipation build in your chest.

hands reached in to help you down, the ground beneath your feet feeling solid yet unfamiliar. you nearly stumbled, but the hands clasped firmly around your bicep steadied you, helping you keep your balance. the blindfold remained firmly in place, heightening your awareness of the earthy scents and the hushed whispers of the forest around you, though not for long, for after you had heard the carriage door close again, your blindfold had been removed.

you looked around. it wasn't very helpful. it looked like the any random area in the forests: there were trees, soil, bushes, branches, leaves scattered all over the floor, etc.

the two staff members jumped back on their horses, wished you good luck, and then trotted off into the distance.

you looked around and examined each and every one of your group members:

hitch was standing next to you, looking disgruntled. you were quite pleased to see her in your group. marlowe stood beside her, dropping his blindfold onto the floor and patting himself off. you couldn't say you were displeased to see him, no matter how much you wanted to.

boris was also here, only partially healed from your attack, sporting a scab over his cheek, a nasty lump on the right side of his forehead, and a black eye. you didn't mind seeing him here, but it did not seem as though he thought the same at seeing you. which was fair, you concluded, averting your gaze to the tall male standing beside him, gordon, his friend, who also regarded you with a look of disdain. you didn't care much for it.

the other two members of the group were two you hadn't met before. a short girl, around the same height as yourself, with round brown eyes and dark hair styled in a braid that went down her back. her name was mia, hitch had whispered into your ear. the male cadet beside her was noah, average height, dirty blonde hair, dark eyes.

"anyone got a compass on them?" said hitch, already taking charge of the conversation.

everyone either shook their heads or looked over to another person for hope.

"the carriage went back that way," you said, tilting your chin in the direction of where the two men had horse-ridden away from you all. "so unless we're being deceived —"

"— i'm going my own way," boris cut through you, and with the venom laced in each word, you knew it was intentional. "follow me, or don't, i don't care."

"someone needs their ass beat again," you mumbled, also with malicious intent, hoping he'd hear you. he had, and he scowled. it was hard to take him seriously with all the bruises on his face.

"if you leave," mia spoke up, waving her notebook at him, "i'll have to write it down."

"there's no need for that," said marlowe, ever the peace maker. "we can make it back altogether, we don't have to split up. besides, the task is to get back with every member of the group, right? otherwise we get no points."

nobody spoke for a bit, everyone thinking about marlowe's point. even if boris hated the idea, marlowe was factually correct. the task was to make it back in one piece, translated to: altogether.

but your mind had wandered elsewhere.

as the group stood in contemplative silence, you felt a spark of inspiration ignite within you, like the first flicker of a flame catching on kindling. a brilliant idea had just struck, and your heart began to race with exhilaration. it was like a hidden gem unearthed, shimmering with promise. excitement bubbled up inside you, a river breaking through a dam, flooding your thoughts with its potential. the thrill of having a potential solution coursed through your veins, making it hard to keep still.

why hadn't you planned this before? it was brilliant!

your mind raced ahead, weaving the strands of your idea into a brilliant tapestry of possibilities.

"yeah, you're on your own for this one, feulner," said noah, and you watched everyone with cunning, snake-like eyes, ready to enact your plan.

keep talking, you thought, examining the trees above you and calculating everything silently.

"we gotta stay as a team, otherwise this entire thing is pointless," noah continued, and when silence draped itself over your group once more, you cursed in your head.

you needed them to keep talking. so, naturally, you prompted them to continue.

"what about you, gordon?" you asked, watching as everyone's heads had turned to face him with curiosity. you took a step back, careful. "you staying or leaving?"

with everyone distracted, you found yourself standing behind hitch and marlowe now, no one's eyes on you, not even gordon, who you had posed the question to. instead, he found himself facing boris, shrugging and looking back at noah, eyes darting back and forth, back and forth, but never landing on you.

you slowly rested your chin over your left shoulder, glancing down at the ground behind you, examining the area for any crunchy leaves or unidentified twigs that you might accidentally step on. you did not want any of their eyes drawn back to you.

"c'mon man, you're seriously gonna let me go by myself?" said boris, sounding rather offended, though he did not let it show.

you had taken a careful step back. no one had noticed.

"if you make it back on your own, you fail," gordon argued, and you silently agreed. "all of us fail."

you'd taken another step back. not even hitch glanced your way.

they continued to argue:

"so just follow my lead, then," said boris, looking directly at mia's notebook. "all of you. and we make it back together, we pass, everyone wins —"

"i'm not following your lead," snapped hitch, scoffing. "who said you were our leader?"

by this point, you were now a safe distance away from the group, their voices becoming more and more muffled as you continued to take several steps backwards. the group had become a full circle now, arguing with one another with no space left for you to stand with them.

you grinned to yourself, taking out your blades and clicking the top trigger of your hand held controller grip, firing the anchor into a nearby tree, and then clicking the bottom trigger to release some gas and fly up, out of the mind of your temporary comrades, out of sight of them too.

it was time to go back to your real comrades.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・

you followed the tracks of the carriage, surprised to see that your group hadn't followed. you thought, with the use of common sense, if not to find you, then to find their way back themselves, they'd have looked for tracks and gone off in the direction of the carriage that you had pointed out to them the second you'd landed on your feet after the blindfolds had been removed.

ah, well, it wasn't like you had to worry about them anymore. it was definitely the last time you would see them again, unless keith sent you straight back to the north to complete your sentence like the (successful) homewrecker he was.

you had swung from tree to tree, keeping an eye on the tracks which had started to fade at some point. it meant that you had to go on foot, eyeing the hoof prints instead. you supposed that it was good, for it meant that both your gas cylinders would remain full enough for you to use it to swing back if need be.

after a long while, the hoof prints had led you back to the streets of utopia.

the streets of utopia district were alive with activity, a vibrant tapestry of daily life unfolding under the warm afternoon sun. market stalls lined the cobblestone roads, their colourful canopies flapping gently in the breeze. parents strolled hand in hand, pausing to admire the fresh produce, handcrafted goods, and aromatic street food that tempted from every corner. the scent of baked bread and roasted meats wafted through the air, mingling with the sweet fragrance of blooming flowers from a nearby florist's stand.

families wandered from stall to stall, the children's eyes wide with wonder as they clutched small toys or sweets bought by their doting parents. street performers added to the lively atmosphere, with musicians strumming guitars and playing flutes, their melodies weaving through the chatter and hustle. artists sketched portraits and painted landscapes, which reminded you strongly of one of your neighbours from trost before you had enrolled into the cadet corps.

you knew the way back to the south would be long. when you had first gone from the south to the north, you'd had to reside in karanes district for half a day before moving on, since the distance was large, miles upon miles apart. this time around, you had to figure out a different way of doing things, for you had no carriage to ride in, you had no horse to accompany you, and you certainly were not accompanied by an escort that would take care of the travel expenses.

instead of entering the streets if utopia, you aimed your anchor at a nearby house, the hooks grappling onto the bricks as you flew up, landing swiftly on the rooftop. it wasn't unheard of military members to be casually roaming the streets or walking quietly on rooftops. in fact, you could already spot multiple garrison members drinking heartily and going about their day without disruption.

averting your gaze, you made your way up onto the fifty metre wall, which seemed to be the only way to get back to trost without money for an escort or a carriage. the disheartening part of it all was the fact that you'd have to walk on the walls all the way from utopia, to karanes, to trost. that would talk you at least two and a half days (one if you didn't dawdle or get distracted) but there was no other option. you would rather jump into titan territory than go back to utopia. you missed your friends, you missed the usual training schedule the south had, and you would much rather have keith yell at you then someone you weren't too familiar with. at least you knew keith for almost three years. who the hell gave badis the authority to shout at you?

each step felt like an eternity as you walked along the wall, the journey stretching endlessly before you. the sun hung high in the sky, casting long shadows that seemed to mock your slow progress. the expanse of stone beneath your feet felt unyielding, each footfall echoing the relentless passage of time, and despite the steady rhythm of your steps, the distance seemed insurmountable, as if you were trapped in a never-ending journey. the horizon never seemed to draw any closer, and with each passing second, the enormity of your undertaking weighed heavier on your weary mind.

above you, the sky was a breath-taking canvas of vibrant blues and soft, wispy clouds that drifted lazily across the expanse. streaks of pink and orange hinted at the approaching evening, painting the horizon with a tranquil beauty that contrasted sharply with the arduous journey beneath your feet. it told you that you'd been walking for at least an hour or two by now, and yet when you looked ahead, the distance seemed greater. high above, birds soared effortlessly, their calls echoing through the still air, adding a touch of life to the vast, open sky. the sheer beauty of it all was a stark reminder of the freedom and peace you sought, pushing you to keep moving despite the seemingly endless path ahead.

you could see other military members in the far distance. they looked like small ants, but the closer you got, the more clearer you could see the uniform. what distinguished the scouts from every other military branch was their green capes, several of which you could see before you mingling with members wearing jackets that displayed two red roses.

it was a problem. you couldn't exactly explain to them why you weren't stationed at utopia, but there was no other way to evade them. they were blocking the only route that was closest to karanes district (which you were, even now, no where near, by the way). there was no other plan than to simply ignore them, answer their questions vaguely (if they asked any, you hoped they wouldn't) and then break off into something in between a sprint and a walk.

it had been, maybe half an hour, before you found yourself walking past them with your head hung, eyes trained on your footsteps, only to be completely shocked at the familiar voice that had called out your name.

"cadet l/n?"

you looked up.

squad leader hange's face lit up with a mix of delight and astonishment, her eyes widening behind her glasses as a broad grin spread across her lips. her eyebrows arched in pleasant surprise, and she leaned forwards slightly, her excitement palpable even from a distance. the genuine warmth in her expression made it clear to you that she was thrilled to have spotted you, her curiosity and enthusiasm shining through.

"cadet l/n!" she said again, this time with more certainty and excitement.

you looked over your shoulder to make sure no one that shouldn't know you were here had heard; thankfully, it was safe to interact with her.

"what are you— hang on, are you meant to be up here?"

smart woman, you thought. asking all the right questions, unfortunately for you.

"of course!" you lied, bright and cheery.

she tilted her head down so that you could see her eyes behind her glasses without the glare projected by the sun.

you dropped the act. it wasn't like she'd send you back. you remembered one of the first few meetings you'd had with her. she seemed to like you enough not to rat you out.

"yeah i'm not meant to be here —"

"— i'd figured."

hange grinned at you, hands placed on her hips with an expression of clear intrigue.

"sooo..." she began, her words trailing off as she gestured to the garrisons and very few scouts that surrounded the two of you, minding their own business — all but one, a tall, brunette man, standing behind squad leader hange with a slight pout. "what are you doing here? by yourself, unsupervised?"

for the first time in a long time, it seemed that you'd found someone unaware of your suspension. it almost felt refreshing. almost, for you knew that you could not delay the inevitable and that she would most likely find out about it even if you chose not to inform her of it now. she was, after all, close with captain levi. and commander erwin, who you hadn't seen in a while, now that you thought about it.

"i got suspended," you said bluntly, ripping the band-aid off without hesitation to hurriedly get it over and done with.

she furrowed her brows at you, still smiling as though you were deceiving her. when you did not return her playful grin, she realised you were dead serious.

and then laughed loudly in obvious incredulity. the man behind her looked startled, trying to calm her down, but she merely waved her hands wildly at him, laughing throughout it all.

"wha— suspended? that was you?"

you furrowed your brows at her, confused. "what do you mean?"

"well news broke out that someone from the cadet corps was suspended," she explained, still gawking at you with obvious shock, "i just — i didn't think — i didn't know it was you!"

"anyway," you interrupted vociferously, finally knowing what it felt like to be on the receiving end of the jokes. for everyone you'd ever made fun of, you owed them one big, fat apology. "i can't stand it back there. i have to get back."

"can't stand it back where?" she asked, tilting her head at you. you watched as her eyes focused on something behind you. she had ultimately answered her own question. "you were sent to the northern division? so why are you here— oh!"

you nodded slowly.

"oh,you're escaping..." she said, taking enough care to whisper, thank the lord. she pushed her glasses a little further up her nose, nodding. "hmm... i did wonder how you were doing, you know? you're the most entertaining person i've ever met. oh! after levi, of course. yeah, he's a boring, old grump, but when you carefully observe the guy —"

"he's the reason i got suspended," you grumbled, kicking a stone on the floor. you watched it roll, tumble, and fall off the edge.

hange gaped at you. the man behind her seemed interested in the conversation too. if he didn't have that soft, gentle look, you probably would have told him to stop eavesdropping by now.

"no way!" she exclaimed, her face a portrait of incredulity, eyes wide and mouth agape. "he never told me that! he never told any of us that! moblit, did he —"

"it's the first that i'm hearing of this, section commander," the guy hovering behind her, moblit, you assumed, answered.

"how long ago was this?" hange demanded, more invested in this story than anyone that had ever known about it.

"like... three days ago-ish—"

"what a sneak!" she interrupted with a long sigh. "the moody shrimp hid it from us!"

in the near distance, you spotted a familiar figure, the sun glinting off his blonde hair and highlighting his unmistakable height. as he turned slightly, the sharp lines of his face came into view, leaving no doubt it was commander erwin. his broad shoulders and commanding presence made him stand out even among the other scouts. your heart sank as you realised the situation— commander erwin, the epitome of responsibility and integrity, would undoubtedly report you and march you back without hesitation.

a wave of dread washed over you, your initial excitement of the journey turning into a cold knot of anxiety in your stomach. the prospect of being caught by him felt like an impending storm, knowing his unwavering sense of duty meant there was no escape. seeing him filled you with a mix of fear and exasperation, knowing his adherence to the rules and his unyielding nature meant your journey might be abruptly and unpleasantly cut short.

you turned back to hange, cutting through her long speech on what she was going to do to captain levi when she saw him next.

"commander erwin's here?" you asked, taking several steps back and looking around as though there were buildings to hide behind. the top of the walls were bare, nothing to hide in or behind, leaving you feeling utterly naked.

hange nodded. "oh, yeah, why?"

"he's going to take me back!" you whispered, frantic. "quick, do something!"

you watched her scramble to think of something, watched as moblit's expression turned into one of exhaustion, watches as the poor scout who had the unfortunate luck of standing next to you in that moment became harassed by your hands, tugging and pulling at his cape.

"give — me — that —"

the stupid scout protested rather loudly. "wha— who the hell are you?"

"shut up and give —"

"here, cadet!" said hange, undoing her own cape and throwing it to you.

you released your tight grip on the poor man's cape and shirt, catching hange's and draping it over yourself, pulling the hood up and turning around just as commander erwin began to approach you all.

scrambling to look occupied and avoid conversation, you nearly forgot the standard protocol for soldiers when addressing their leader. for you and the rest of the cadet corps, it meant standing up straight and saluting when keith spoke. however, for the scouts, it involved gathering closely together, saluting with chins held high, and eyes firmly fixed on the commander.

it didn't work too well for you, not when you were concealing yourself from him, or the fact that the other guy you had harassed just a moment ago was now sending you sideway glances, making it obvious that you were an imposter.

erwin spoke loudly to you all; you kept your chin pressed against your chest, avoiding his gaze and concealing yourself within the dark parts of your — squad leader hange's — hood.

"our duties here are done," he began, voice authoritative and booming. "we do not have enough time from here and our next expedition. we must leave immediately. funding is not easy to come by as scout members. we —"

he paused. you dared not look up.

"hange," he said, and you tried not to breathe out a sigh of relief that might give you away. "your cape —"

"i'm feeling really hot today!" she lied straight through her teeth. you could kiss her. "i had to take it off for a bit —"

the scout next to you, the one you had tried to steal from, glanced down at you with furrowed brows. you'd had enough, stepping on the tips of his shoes with enough force to crush the toes inside them (obviously not enough to break) enough to remind him of his helpful, important silence.

he let out a lady-like squeak. erwin's calculating eyes darted back to the rest of you. you mentally cursed him in your head.

"six scout members we took to accompany us on this mission," he commented, gaze hovering over your heads, "not including you or moblit... but seven i've counted as of now." he glanced down at hange, a mask of ease placed over his suspicion. "care to explain?"

he posed it off as a question, but you knew he wasn't asking.

intimidating man, you thought, if his backstory wasn't so goofy to you. seriously, how did he pick the ugly titans over the girl he loved?

hange laughed under his stare. the moblit guy looked as though he wanted to voice his disapproval, but his loyalty to the section commander demanded otherwise.

"we must've taken seven with us instead of six!" she cheerfully responded, holding up the ruse which you commended her greatly for. had it been you in her position, you most likely would have ended up revealing everything (especially if you had to answer to captain levi and not erwin). "silly me! i overcounted!"

"you did not," said erwin, raising a thick brow, and before she could say anything to further deepen the lie, he turned to you all once more and pointed at one of the scouts in the front line. "lauda," he said, before pointing at the scout next to her. "nanaba," he spoke, following that with several other names, before finally landing on you.

at least i made it further than i thought i would, you concluded in your head, silently accepting defeat.

"remove section commander hange's hood," he ordered you.

you could feel everyone's eyes on you, a swarm of bees buzzing with judgment and curiosity. the weight of their stares was suffocating, like a spotlight exposing every flaw and mistake, examining, scrutinising, observing your every move.

it seemed that hange had given up too.

you slowly raised your hand to lower the hood, leisurely meeting his cool gaze as you had done so. it would have been laughable, the way his expression shifted into some hybrid from of realisation, shock, and disappointment all at once at the sight of you, had it not been for the circumstances you had found yourself in. it truly was a shame.

you sheepishly chuckled, grinning as you met his gaze.

"remember me?"

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・

"i don't understand why i can't walk back by myself," you grumbled, kicking a rock and watching it tumble and roll.

"you cannot be trusted to manage that on your own, cadet," said commander erwin, practically attached to your hip as you walked alongside his horse, too. "i'm sure you can understand."

the two of you, plus his trusted horse, were no longer standing on top of the walls. you were currently walking along the forest, the very one you had escaped from, making your way back to the northern division of the cadet corps, whilst also simultaneously searching for any of your teammates or other members. if you did happen to find them, commander erwin promised to make his way back and leave you in the hands of your fellow comrades. otherwise, he would accompany you all the way back to the training field.

he was a pain in your ass for sure, you'd almost forgotten what that felt like.

it was sunset now, halfway close to nightfall, and you had spent the better half of the journey begging to be taken back to the south. every request and plea had been denied.

"i don't understand," you said, frowning. "i could've been at the south by now, you know —"

"no living being, except perhaps a ten feet tall titan, would have made it back to trost in such a small amount of time," he corrected you firmly. "you would have to stop by karanes district."

you ignored him, speaking as though he hadn't said a word. "i could have been training right now!"

"indeed," he agreed, taking you by pleasant surprise. you were rendered disappointed when he hadn't stopped there. "your skills could have been put to better use, like the task you were given, for instance. you're clearly capable if you made it away from your group, into the streets, and even up the walls to make your way back on foot without a horse. no one would have thought of that if they were in your position."

you narrowed your eyes at him. "was that meant to be a compliment..?"

"no."

you scoffed, rolling your eyes and walking ahead of him for the first time. "i knew that."

commander erwin did not call you back. it made sense, to be fair. so long as you were within his eye sight, he would not reprimand you or have you tied to the horse (his words, not yours).

you tried not to complain too much in your head. things could have been worse, you were almost grateful it was commander erwin walking you back and not, god forbid, keith shadis.

or even worse... captain levi. you couldn't promise that you wouldn't have gone on another odm spree if it had been him. nobody ever told you how difficult going through such a messy divorce would be.

you stopped, waiting for him to catch up before walking alongside him again, striking up a conversation that you had felt was very necessary.

"what if i promise not to bother you for the next year or so? if you let me go back to trost, that is."

he did not look at you when he gave his curt response. "no, cadet."

"okay," you nodded, thinking harder. "what if it was two years, then?"

you could hear every crunch of the leaves laying helplessly beneath your feet, you could feel every snap of each discarded twig you stepped on as he responded. "still no."

"final bid," you tried again, looking up at him hopefully, "two and a half years... assuming you make it back alive from one of your expeditions —"

"cadet l/n —"

"that's my final offer! take it or leave it!"

he pulled the halter attached to his horse. "i will respectfully choose to leave it."

you scowled at him, taking obvious offense to his foolish choice.

"that wasn't respectful at all," you muttered, walking away from him and nearly bumping into a tree. you stumbled, falling slightly against his helping arm, and moved away from him quickly, as though you had been burned by his touch.

straightening up, you marched on, slightly irritated that his long legs gave him the advantage of effortlessly keeping pace with you even when you had tried to dash away. his strides were like a giant's, making your efforts seem almost comical. but just then, an idea sparked in your mind, a glimmer of hope amidst the frustration.

you glanced up at him hopefully.

"maybe i can get marie back for you too!" you told him, ignoring the way his stern eyes met yours with absolutely nothing close to admiration. "if you let me —"

"cadet, we have been through this," he sighed, but you did not let him continue, practically jumping up to debunk his pessimistic belief.

"if you're worried about it being too late, don't!" you assured him, beaming. "if she truly loves you —"

"she is married with kids," he reminded you, ever the pessimist.

you frowned, lower lip pushed forward in a pout. "please! for marie."

"that is precisely why i'm sending you back."

"nooo," you moaned, finally accepting defeat with your head hung, slouching as you continued to walk deeper into the forest.

the conversation had ended at that, an awkward silence draping over the two of you like a warm blanket on a cold winter day as you marched on, reluctant and unforgiving. his effortless strides beside your frantic steps felt like a mocking dance, each step he took a silent reminder of his advantage.

"are you still keen on joining the scout regiment?" he asked you, cutting through the silence with a voice holding such authority, you understood exactly why he was commander.

the frustration you held for him earlier still gnawed at you, a persistent itch that couldn't be scratched, as if the universe itself was conspiring to amplify your every irritation. even still, you answered.

"yeah," you grumbled, and you felt his piercing gaze digging holes in your cheek. "sir," you added, begrudgingly.

he hummed. "we could use your intelligence and skill."

"don't mock me."

"cadet, i do not possess any form of humour that you might find entertaining," said commander erwin, stern and grave. "i am quite serious in my observation. i have noticed, however, how little excitement you have compared to our last meeting."

he was referring to the meeting where he practically slapped you in the face for defending him against that vile nile dok (you would still do it again, if given the opportunity).

"care to explain?" he prompted, when it had become clear that you would not answer without another push.

you sighed irritably.

"i'm going through something right now," you explained, half angry and half exhausted, "and it's all because of captain levi."

"did he have something to do with your suspension?" the commander questioned. you finally looked up at him and found that he looked rather curious. did he seriously not know what had happened?

"he didn't tell you?" you returned, also stumped. "aren't you guys meant to be, like, best friends or something?"

"best friend is not quite the term i'd use," he continued gracefully.

"okay well i think you're best friends so that's what i'm gonna go with from here on out," you dismissed him, still irritable and annoyed. "section commander hange didn't know either —"

"i'll have to ask him about it later —"

"no!" you interrupted, eyes wide as you stepped in front of him and his horse to stop him from continuing on. "you can't let him know you found me. he can't know anything."

"cadet l/n —"

"if you tell him," you began, grasping at straws, "i'll shave your eyebrows and glue them to keith's head since yours are so bushy, you're hogging them all —"

the look of surprised concern had vanished from his face, now stern and firm, with all the authority you knew he carried himself with when addressing his scout members. you stopped yourself there, scratching the back of your neck nervously.

"okay maybe i went a little too far..." you said, half apologetic, half not. "i just... i ask that you don't let the captain know that you've seen me. before you ask why, it's because i'm pretty mad at him for what he did —"

"what he did? —"

"— he chased me around the woods with the gear!" you told him honestly, and you did not offer any form of context to help him understand the situation better. you figured that he'd just side with his comrade rather than logic (you). "so when i got scared and ran off, i got in so much trouble for 'defying his orders'. i couldn't follow his orders 'cause i got scared!"

he didn't look too convinced. it only irked you further.

"please," you tried again, all the venom that had laced each word from earlier slowly running out in a desperate attempt to convince him of following your humble request.

every glance he gave you felt like a needle prick, sharp and aggravating, turning the air around you thick with tension and resentment towards him.

"i will not mention the adventure i found you immersed in," he began, and when you had smiled at him for the first time since your last meeting, he added on to his speech. "however, if the captain happens to question what you'd been up to during your time in utopia, i will inform him of this."

from the serious tone of his voice, you had expected to be showered in disappointment by the end of his speech. instead, you'd found yourself grinning, waving a hand at him and turning away with joy.

"that's great!" you beamed, marching on, elated. "i remember the early morning training sessions with him, and if that's anything to go by, i know that he won't mention me at all! he's a quiet one, isn't he?"

the commander followed you as you skipped on. "i would refrain from getting too excited, cadet l/n. especially since you are the topic of conversation we are gambling on."

you looked over your shoulder at him, brows furrowed and head tilted. was he implying something? you were good at picking up on those. as blissfully unaware as you might seem with certain events, you still found yourself to be quite perceptive. either commander erwin meant nothing at all, or he meant something else entirely.

"what's that supposed to mean?" you asked, frowning.

"nothing important," he responded, and there had been no doubt in your mind that he was not lying.

you had arrived back to the cadet corps by nightfall and the walk of shame back to the commandant's office had been anything but pleasant (especially since you had made a beeline for the dorms and had been pulled back by commander erwin's snitch of a horse).

it seemed that you would not see your friends for the remainder of this week and the next, unlike you had hoped.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・

day 4:

the commandant had been so surprised, shocked, and all around enraged by your actions the day before, he hadn't been able to conjure up a punishment specifically made for you that would, in his words, teach you a good lesson. instead, he had told (yelled at) you to continue through with the training schedule the next day, meanwhile he would think long and hard about what to do with you. should you end up foolishly misbehaving even after this threat, he would have someone higher up than him to personally deal with you themselves.

you did not necessarily believe that he held that kind of authority, though you'd kept that thought to yourself, especially seeing as commander erwin had been present during his ear-splitting speech.

you had been working in the stables with the horses when it happened.

hitch and marlowe had come to visit you and asked what had happened during the task, why you had run off and how their team had failed miserably out of everyone else's in the task assigned. you shrugged it off, barely answering their questions properly so as to save yourself from the embarrassment of them realising how you had not only failed their entire team, but failed yourself in the process (which was obviously not part of the plan).

hitch was standing by the door, far away from the horses and the faeces you were, unfortunately, tasked to clean up. marlowe stood a little closer, near the haystack where it was still safe from the dirt.

"people are talking, y'know," hitch had told you, twirling a strand of her short hair around her finger. "last rumour i heard said that you were eaten by bears."

"bears should fear me," you scowled, chest heaving with exhaustion as you used your arm to swipe some of the loose hair off your face. "and that's the dumbest thing i've ever heard anyway... after jean saying that he's better than me —"

marlowe frowned. "who's jean?"

"you'll find out soon enough," you said bitterly, rubbing the wet cloth against the dutch door with vigour. at their silence, you looked up at them, slightly out of breath. "you're joining the military police, aren't you?"

marlowe nodded. you went back to work.

"then you'll meet him at some point next year. just look for the tallest guy there with the face of... that horse," you said, pointing at the horse standing in the left corner of the little shed, segregated from the rest, and for good reason to. after spending the better half of an hour cleaning, crying, and then cleaning again, you'd found that this particular horse had a very arrogant personality, one that did not mesh well with the others. it also helped that his fur was almost identical to the colour of jean's ash blonde hair.

"you didn't just get sent here because we needed a role model, hm?" asked hitch, skilfully changing the subject.

the ruse had lasted as long as it could manage. you didn't particularly mind that it had been hitch who had figured it out and that marlowe would be present to hear the truth. you quite liked them, actually.

"you're trost's trouble cadet," she concluded, as you slowly stood up to walk over to the next horse, feet almost tripping over the hay scattered around the floor. "well, you're not nearly as bad as our trouble cadet."

you turned around, regarded her with a look of annoyed interest, and furrowed your brows.

"your trouble cadet?" you repeated.

she nodded. you averted your gaze to marlowe. he nodded too.

"i was actually expecting you to stumble across him here," said hitch, looking around the dark as though expecting this trouble cadet to jump out and reveal himself.

"why would i —" you began, confused.

"he likes being in the dark," said marlowe. "you never saw him during regular training because he trains in the woods where there's more shade from the sun."

your eyes widened, and you couldn't help but stare at marlowe, eyebrows raised in disbelief. an odd silence hung in the air as his words echoed in your mind. you tilted your head slightly, as if trying to make sense of what you had just heard, but the sheer oddness of it left you speechless. your mouth opened to say something, but no words came out, leaving you with a bewildered expression that you thought spoke volumes.

"i'm lost," you had finally settled on saying.

"it's been a while since anyone's reacted that way," said hitch, arms folded over her chest as she leaned back against the wooden wall. "everyone's used to his weird ass since we've been living with him for two years now, but i guess your reaction's warranted. you've never met him."

"or seen him in action."

"am i supposed to be concerned?" you asked, raising a brow. "he likes the darkness? he trains in the woods? what does that even mean —"

"he starts acting really weird when he's in the sunlight," hitch informed you, moving her head left and right, forward and back, as though he were hiding somewhere amidst the darkness. "it came to a point where the commandant had to come to a compromise: he'd stay in the cadet corps, but train away from everyone else — in the shade in the woods."

you frowned. "unsupervised?"

you didn't believe this trouble cadet was as unhinged as you were, for you had to be escorted from one place to the next, always chaperoned. could he have been as bad as they were communicating to you if he, unlike you, was allowed to venture and be alone without having a staff member attached to his hip? you didn't think so.

"oh, he believes he's unsupervised," said hitch, leaning back against the wall as though she'd determined that the trouble cadet was not hiding in the stables, "but he's not."

"they have someone up in the trees, watching him," marlowe added helpfully.

now, you were intrigued. it was the first time all week that something had genuinely piqued your interest.

"why can't he know?" you investigated, taking your gloves off and throwing them in the bucket you had carried with you, filled with water that had slipped out the second the gloves had been dunked in.

"he starts acting weird again," said hitch, blunt. "he doesn't like being watched or followed. hates anyone with hair that isn't black —"

"— but can tolerate hair that's dark brown," marlowe finished off.

"he went crazy when i spoke to him," said hitch, fingers raking through her light brown bangs. "never approached him again after that, the weirdo."

"he's usually here," said marlowe, looking around. "don't know why he's not today."

lost in contemplation, your mind wandered through a maze of possibilities until a small idea flickered to life. the more you considered it, the more it began to take shape, growing clearer and more compelling by the moment.

you shouldn't... it was a safe option to simply stay put, not act on your thoughts.

however, you were curious, you were intrigued, you wanted to meet your opponent...

but you shouldn't...

but when had that ever stopped you?

"so he's either here or in the woods," you started, taking note of the way marlowe's brows had raised and the way hitch had stood up straighter. "rule the stables out, he's probably in the woods, right?"

the two original members of the northern cadet corps exchanged a look with one another. you hadn't bothered deciphering it, too busy throwing the wet cloth into the bucket and then leaving it behind the large haystack next to the jean-horse.

you would come back for it. you were taking a little break, that was all. you would be in and out of the woods in no time; it would be as though you had never left!

leaving the stables behind, you ventured into the dense woods, the trees standing tall like the silent sentinels you had seen that one time you had ventured in mitras. the canopy above whispered softly, leaves rustling like a conspiratorial hush as you moved deeper into the forest. hitch and marlowe followed you like two unshakeable shadows. you did not mind. in fact, learning about this trouble cadet had you so intrigued, you felt that if you did manage to find him, you would need more clarification should anything odd occur.

each step felt like an eternity, the ground beneath your feet a patchwork of soft moss and brittle twigs that snapped like brittle bones. this was an issue, for you had promised yourself that meeting him would be quick and easy. the air was thick with the earthy scent of damp soil and pine, wrapping around you like a shroud. as you searched for any sign of him — using hitch and marlowe's guidance — your heart pounded a steady rhythm, a drumbeat of determination that drove you forwards into the unknown depths, further away from the training field.

just as the voice at the back of your head had started echoing demands to go back, save yourself the trouble and complete your assigned punishment, a hiss had caught you off guard. however, where you had flinched and immediately started looking around, hitch and marlowe had merely sighed, one of them shaking their heads, the other scowling.

"yeah, we're in his territory," said hitch, letting out a pained exhale. "it's not too late to turn back if you want to —"

"who is this newcomer?" a chilling voice had interrupted her, and with that voice came a tall boy, only seeming shorter due to his slouching.

he was pale, with dark liner resting on his waterline, and jet black hair that covered all of his forehead and parts of his left eye, falling all the way down to his cheek.

what an interesting looking cadet, you thought, eyeing him up and down. but this was supposed to be the so called 'trouble cadet' of the northern division? you doubted it.

"y/n, meet kai," said marlowe, taking a step back as though standing within the same vicinity as this kai would infect him with something. "his actual name is m—"

kai gave him a look, one that you could best describe as a warning. he also simultaneously looked possessed and troubled.

"er... kai, this is y/n," marlowe continued, as though heeding kai's warning. was he really that terrifying? you didn't think so. an odd looking person, for sure, but you did not believe him to be scary in the slightest.

standing just within the shade of the dense trees, kai's pale face and dark-lined eyes glinted with curiosity and suspicion. he peered at you from his secluded spot, his black hair blending into the shadows like ink spilled on parchment.

"i have never seen you before... y/n," he said, chest heaving as though he had been running for miles.

you stared back at him, deadpanned. "well, obviously, i'm not a member here."

his posture was oddly rigid, and you could see the tension in his frame, as if he were a tightly wound spring ready to snap.

hitch, who had been standing behind you, finally spoke and drew kai's attention from you to herself.

"remember me?" she said, as though expecting him to do something out of the ordinary.

his dark eyes, narrowed in incredulity, searched her face, travelled across her bangs and the rest of her hair, visibly shaky.

"war flashbacks," she commented, watching him lazily.

"i have taught myself the art of tolerating hair as light as yours..." he said, curling his fingers and speaking with exaggerated arm movements; what a silly guy. "i am still disappointed with your choice of colour —"

"oh fuck off," she snapped, scoffing, "this is my natural hair colour. deal with it."

kai ignored her. you spoke up.

"he doesn't even seem that bad," you had said, looking at a tentative marlowe with a shrug. "bit of an odd one, sure, but not as bad as you guys were painting him out to be."

"you are a trespasser," said kai, apparently uncaring of the rare politeness you'd handed to him. he dramatically pointed at hitch and marlowe too. "all of you!"

you laughed. "trespasser?"

"indeed..." he nodded, extending his arms outwards as if to introduce you to your surroundings. "the darkness consumes me... i like to be alone."

"but you're not alone," you told him simply. "there's a higher up watching you in the trees."

you had forgotten that this part of the information that hitch and marlowe had fed you back at the stables was meant to be a secret, but you had realised that a moment too late, for kai had already begun to look distraught. if his behaviour since your introduction had been anything to go by, you knew that this was not good.

the moment the words left your mouth, you could see the shift in his expression, his eyes widening in sheer horror. hitch slapped a hand on her forehead and marlowe had taken several steps back.

"why did you tell him?" she groaned, as the three of you watched his body go rigid, and then start to shake violently, his pale skin almost glowing under the dappled sunlight filtering through the trees.

"i —" you began, rendered speechless for the first time in your life (usually it was you rendering others to be at a loss for words), "i — i don't know, i forgot!"

a low hiss escaped his lips, growing louder and more feral as panic took hold. his hands clawed at the air, fingers curling like talons, as if trying to ward off an invisible threat.

you looked back at your two friends, shaking your head and gesturing at the odd cadet, visibly confused. "do we do something —"

"no!" said marlowe, with such demand in his voice, you almost winced. "no, don't touch him! he'll somehow hurt you!"

kai stumbled backwards, eyes darting around frantically, before collapsing to the ground. your jaw dropped at his act, for his body had started convulsing in spasms, twitching uncontrollably as he let out a series of guttural sounds, somewhere between a growl and a whimper.

there was a rustle of leaves above you, and when you had looked up, you'd been met with the eyes of a very grumpy looking man, glaring at you.

you specifically.

he called down to you all.

"i refuse to get in trouble because the new girl couldn't keep her mouth shut," he snapped, standing on a thick branch and adjusting his gear. "i didn't see anything and neither did any of you!" he said, before zooming off, out of sight. the only thing he had left behind was the rustling of more tree leaves and the sound of his wires being reeled back in and then out again, repeating until it was low and faint amongst kai's ragged gasps.

and kai continued to hiss, the sound growing more desperate with each passing second. his eyes rolled back, and he curled into himself, rocking back and forth as if the revelation had shattered the fragile equilibrium he had maintained in his solitary existence.

"oi, get up, we're gonna get in trouble 'cause of you!" hitch demanded, kicking his twitching side which only resulted in more drama: he rolled over and continued to act feral. "malakai!"

and if you had thought the first revelation had set him off, his response to his full government name had started something else entirely.

"ah, shit," hitch whispered to herself, stepping away from him as he slowly rose to his feet...

and then charged at you.

it wasn't even normal running. his arms were extended behind him, his torso slouched and head bent forward. it was akin to some form of ninja run, only ten times more dramatic.

you dashed away, saving yourself by pushing marlowe in his direction, grabbing hitch's pale hand, and sprinting away, ignoring marlowe's confused yelp.

it would have been wiser to go through the woods to lessen the risk of being seen by another, more sensible higher up, but you had been in such a panic, you did not care who saw or questioned you. you had made a beeline for the stables, ignoring hitch's constant demands to run back to the training field.

kicking the wooden door open, you caught the attention of every horse, their curious heads turning towards you. releasing Hitch's hand, you dashed to the fastest horse, unlatching its rope and tossing it aside, urging her to do the same. despite her obvious reluctance, she followed your instructions, helping you free the jean-lookalike horse for marlowe (for whenever he would arrive; you hadn't looked back to see what had happened to him after you had pushed him towards kai... malakai).

you hoisted yourself onto the horse you had chosen the moment you glimpsed malakai's shadow darkening the doorway. your heart pounded like a drum as you swung your leg over the saddle, the leather creaking beneath you. the horse's muscles rippled under your touch, its body a coiled spring ready to launch into action.

but malakai had already entered, charging through as your horse shifted beneath you, eager to break free, its hooves tapping out a restless rhythm against the wooden floor.

"where did marlowe go?" said hitch, her voice raised over the horrible hisses that malakai had let out.

"beats me," you said, pulling at the reins of your horse, preparing to dash past malakai, who was blocking the only exit. you hadn't felt this scared since keith had dragged you out of his office by your own hair.

as malakai's eyes locked onto the ash-blonde fur of the jean horse, a visible shudder ran through him. his already frenzied state escalated to a new level of hysteria; a guttural scream tore from his throat, raw and animalistic, echoing through the stables. as if that hadn't been enough, his body had started convulsing violently, as if an electric current surged through him, and he dropped to the ground, thrashing and clawing at the air.

the scare had been enough for you to ride your horse straight out of the stables, galloping away as malakai's hands grasped at the dirt and straw, fingers digging in while he writhed, trying to escape the sight before him. you heard him hiss and spit, could see how his eyes had widened, unseeing, consumed by an irrational terror. the horse neighed in alarm, pulling back against its restraints, but malakai's focus was entirely on the pale fur. his entire body trembled uncontrollably, movements jerky and erratic like a marionette on frayed strings.

you turned your head away from the sight, both you and hitch directing your horses around the stables and through the training field. you were grateful it was lunchtime, for it had meant that everyone would be occupied in the mess hall and that you would be free of the blame.

"y/n!" said hitch, her voice carrying through the wind.

she was on her horse beside you, the wind brushing her short hair backwards, her bangs dishevelled. a dusty pink had rose up over her pale cheeks and nose, but she looked concerned and unhappy.

"the horses!" she called out to you.

you glanced back over your shoulder.

the horses, very clearly alarmed by malakai's reaction, had all started filing out of the stables, running one behind the other in a straight line. you pulled at the reins of your horse, abruptly stopping him, nearly throwing yourself off with how sudden the action had been.

"uh oh..." you mumbled, unable to find the memory where you had shut all the doors properly. "that's not good..."

"what do we do?" she said, visibly and audibly distraught.

the commotion sent some horses scattering in all directions, their hooves pounding the ground like a frantic drumbeat. others followed one another, a chaotic herd racing down into the woods, their silhouettes quickly swallowed by the dense foliage. the once orderly stable had transformed into a scene of pandemonium, with the horses' frightened whinnies echoing through the trees.

"i have an idea," you said, heart beating against your chest.

and before hitch could interrogate you any further, you had slid off your horse and made a run for the dormitories. after all, it was not as though they could blame you when you were not even near the stables, right? and everything you had learned about malakai told you that he enjoyed staying in the stables, whose fault could it be, but his?

the rest of the day had been spent with gossip about how kai had released all the horses, and commandant badis has not approached you since.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・

day 5:

the classroom was a dreary space, filled with rows of wooden desks, each scarred with the carvings of previous students. the walls, painted a dull beige, were lined with maps and charts that had faded from years of sunlight streaming through the large, grimy windows. the air was thick with the smell of chalk and old books, a scent that seemed to cling to everything within the room.

you had only been seated for two minutes, but boredom had already seeped into your bones like a slow, creeping fog. your eyes drifted over the chipped blackboard and the monotonous droning of the instructor felt like an endless lullaby. the clock on the wall ticked sluggishly, each second dragging into an eternity. you tapped your fingers on the desk, the rhythmic sound offering little relief from the oppressive monotony. it was as if time itself had decided to stall, trapping you in a stagnant bubble of tedium.

"new girl," said boris, slamming a hand against the desk you were resting your elbows on.

you looked up, eyes half lidded with disappointment. you would kill to have a conversation with anybody but this fool.

"you're in my seat," he'd said, leaning down in some odd tactic of intimidation; it was not working.

hitch and marlowe were attending their class in the classroom across from yours. after spending several classes laughing with hitch and engaging in one-sided arguments with marlowe, you were relocated to a different classroom, sentenced to endure absolute boredom.

you looked up at boris, disinterested as the rest of the class had begun filing in.

"your eye's healed nicely," you commented thoughtfully.

boris's face flushed with indignation, his eyes narrowing into sharp slits as he glared at you. he crossed his arms tightly, his posture rigid, and muttered something under his breath, clearly taken aback by your remark.

"still in my seat," he'd said, matter-of-factly.

you shrugged, eyes following the teacher who had finally arrived, making his way to the desk, gaze meeting yours and hardening when you did not straighten up and salute him as the rest of your peers had.

"l/n," he called out, voice firm and grave, "there is a seating plan. move to your assigned desk."

you frowned. you would have rather had him scold you for not participating in the salute than call you out for the whole seat debacle. boris looked too smug for your liking.

"but sir, i like sitting here," you responded, hands flat against the rough wood of the singular table, only further reinforcing your firm stance on staying where you were.

"i won't ask you again," he snapped, the black in his eyes turning smaller and smaller the longer he glowered down at you. "move!"

"well if m— kai can sit under the desk, why can't i sit wherever i want?" you demanded, outraged.

because that was a thing: malakai (who you had learned quite well preferred to be called kai) had this peculiar tendency of sitting under his assigned table, away from watchful eyes, submerged in the darkness. apparently that had been part of the agreement him and commandant badis had come to since the first few training days.

he let out a low growl at the mention of his name, nothing as bad as what would have happened if you had referred to him as malakai.

you could tell, with the way your temporary teacher's eyes had widened ever so slightly, that you had bought about a good point. sitting under the table was odd; it was weird; it was unusual.

"that decision was made between him and the commandant," he announced at last. "i have no say in it. now go back to your seat!"

you grumbled the entire way back to your seat.

because of the fact that the seating arrangements had already been made before your arrival, bringing up a new desk and table in the classroom had proven to be difficult due to the lack of space. in conclusion, they had shoved you into the seat next to kai, which had been vacant for obvious reasons. it was the second to last row from the back.

halfway through the class, the teacher had called on you to answer a math question.

you started.

you were not good at math. history? definitely. english? absolutely.

but math?

back at the south, you had nearly forced your teacher's hand at retirement due to how incorrigible you were.

all eyes had directed themselves to you at your radio silence.

in turn, you had turned around too, facing the stony-faced girl who had, unfortunately for her, been placed behind you.

"he asked you a question," you said quietly. "why aren't you answering —"

"i'm talking to you, cadet l/n, and you know it!" the teacher had snapped, quick to anger. you thought he should step outside and think about his short temper for a bit.

leisurely, carefully, and calmly, you turned back around and laughed. perhaps if you simply pretended not to know what he had been talking about, he would grow tired of dealing with you and move on.

"me?" you'd said, looking around the classroom as though another you existed.

"there is only one you, l/n," he said, extending his arm and offering the chalk to you. "thank the world for that."

you did not pay his insult any mind, simply eyeing the chalk in his hand as though it were a shard of glass rather than a simple writing instrument. your hand hovered in the air, paralysed with the weight of impending failure. taking the chalk felt like grasping a live wire, the fear of failure sending jolts through your body, and you felt the classroom close in around you, the walls whispering your ineptitude. your fingers twitched as you finally reached out, the chalk cold and unwelcoming, ice against the skin on your palm.

you reluctantly and slowly got up and made your way to the chalkboard. he had written out the question for you and you were already lost, the numbers on the board moving and dancing and confusing you even further.

but you persevered and wrote everything you knew, your hands moving fast against the chalkboard. it... wasn't so bad. you were thoroughly enjoying yourself. the class had even remained silent as you worked through the question (taking up the entire middle half of the board with your writing) and you knew they were most likely in awe. your math skills were bad, if not downright terrible, yet their silence spoke volumes about your ability now.

once finished, you turned around with a smile, dropping the chalk on your teacher's desk and hanging your head in a humble bow.

"you... what..." he began, brows furrowed as he examined your work.

you beamed, visibly proud of yourself.

"i know, i know," you hummed. "it's —"

"why did you draw a field of flowers?"

you frowned. he didn't look too happy, now that you observed the look on his face properly. you looked back at your work, doubtful, but there had been nothing wrong with it, nothing that you could point out, at least.

"mmm... the daisy on the left does look a little malnourished —"

"i meant," he began, through gritted teeth, "what do these BULLSHIT flowers have to do with the question?"

your mouth fell agape, brows furrowed as you glared at him, offended.

"that's so rude, it took me forever to make them!" you exclaimed, feeling as though you had been slapped in the face for your hard work. some people truly did not appreciate you and what you had to offer. you cleared your throat and pointed at the flowers. "if you must know, there are ten flowers on the bottom row and seven hiding behind them because the question mentions a pyramid. so the field of flowers is just a visual because behind the seven flowers, there are four flowers —"

"just sit back down, you worthless piece of shit," he spat, pointing at your table with disdain.

you scoffed, walking back to your seat and mimicking him. sure, the flowers may have been a bit much, but did he have to make such a scene about it? people were laughing now. whether at you or him, you had no idea, but nothing was ever that funny, not enough to have you gasping for breath (that was directed at the male cadet in the back left corner).

"y/n..." kai's low and haunting voice had come from your right, just as you had slid into your seat with an expression of irritation.

you turned, and once met with the vacant seat, moved your head further down to meet his eyes from underneath the table.

"you are the epitome of lightness..." he began, and you remained patient enough to hear him out despite knowing how he was. "you enjoy flowers... i do not, unless they are black and other worldly... the darkness consumes me —"

"all right kai, where are you going with this?" you sighed, still annoyed at your teacher for being so cruel to you.

"yesterday you helped me..."

you raised your brows at him, interested and surprised. you hardly believed laying the blame on him for your reckless behaviour was helping him, but remained silent nonetheless. he went on:

"you alerted me of the lie i was living in... i hate being watched, i hate being followed, and no one but you told me the dark truth..."

you refrained from telling him how that had been an accident and continued to listen to his odd speech.

"and when i was found in the stables yesterday... after the horses ran away... they took me to a dark room..."

was he expecting an apology? you did not know, but he still continued to speak without letting you cut in.

"i pretended to hate it there so they would not discover a punishment that i would actually detest... like being submerged in the sunlight... that would be dreadful..."

"sure," you nodded, still confused.

"it was the best dark day of my life..." he said, still using odd hand gestures when speaking.

"oh," you replied, nodding and trying your best to decipher and comprehend his odd language. "you're welcome? —"

"i carved your name on the darkest part of the tree i sit by in the woods..."

you raised a brow, unsure of whether that was a concern or something to be excited about. how many times had this odd cadet rendered you speechless? you were still not used to being on the receiving end of such unusual behaviour.

"erm," you began uncertainly, "thank you. i'm... glad i helped you?"

he did not respond to you. the last thing you had heard from him was a chorus of very heavy breathing, unrhythmic. you hadn't initiated conversation with him then, but there had been a silent understanding between the two of you. you did not know what to label it as, but something told you that it was almost akin to an alliance.

after half an hour of the same boring and mundane math lesson, you found yourself ripping parts of your paper and doodling all over it. you had drawn marco and yourself around a field of flowers that you knew was probably safer not to show your teacher. you had drawn marco and yourself picking out some of the flowers too. you had then drawn the two of you taking the flowers back to your horse (jean) and greeting sasha and mina on the way.

lazily, you had ripped another part of your paper and tried your hand at drawing the teacher himself. it was hard to do so, for he never stayed in one position for too long, constantly talking and pacing, always yelling and making odd facial expressions. you finally understood jean's frustrations when you'd keep laughing or fidgeting when he'd tell you to sit still so he could sketch you.

you looked down at your final piece: it was comical, no where near as accurate as how jean would have done it. there was no fixing it either. so, in an act of pure impulse, you'd drawn a speech bubble by his head and written 'I HAVE ANGER ISSUES AND HATE PRETTY FLOWERS' inside it.

and then you passed it to the person on your left...

...who passed it to the person in front of him...

...who passed it to the person next to her...

...before it had travelled around the entire classroom, finally left in the hands of kai, who let out a growl as he emerged from underneath the table (the slightest bit) to hand it over to you.

kai had added some adjustments to your drawing. the teacher's teeth that hadn't been coloured in earlier was now black with ink, the same went for his uniform and the whites of his eyes.

your teacher's face flushed crimson as his eyes fell upon the defaced image resting on your desk, which you had failed to swipe off the table once he'd approached you. his jaw clenched visibly, veins pulsing at his temples as he picked up the drawing with trembling hands. the added layers of black ink marred the likeness of his face, transforming his image into a grotesque caricature. a sharp intake of breath escaped his lips, the silence in the room palpable as he struggled to contain his rage.

his gaze swept across the classroom, fixing upon kai, whose weird behaviour from beneath the table only fuelled the teacher's ire further. words failed him momentarily, replaced by a tense silence that seemed to fill the entire room. his nostrils flared as he finally spoke, his voice tight with suppressed anger.

"which one of you scums drew this?" he demanded, each word pronounced with clipped precision.

the atmosphere grew heavy with anticipation as he awaited a response, his hands gripping the drawing tightly. his eyes bore into kai, demanding an explanation while the rest of the class held their breath, keenly aware of the escalating tension in the room.

"cadet mortimer," he pronounced sharply. unaware to whom he was referring, you had deduced wisely that it must have been kai's last name, given his unwavering gaze fixed solely on the peculiar cadet, who responded with nothing more than a hiss.

"it... was not... i... who drew... that art piece."

the teacher's eyes had fallen on you next. you did not hesitate to protest immediately.

"what did i do?" you demanded, lying straight through your teeth.

"you were in possession of this," he said, glowering down at you, lips pursed. "tell the truth now, either one of you!" he mercilessly scrunched the paper up in his hand. "or i'll send the both of you to the commandant's office. let him have his way with you idiots."

in a desperate and angry attempt to save both yourself and kai, you hadn't realised that you had spoken far too quickly:

"it wasn't me or malakai!"

some people had groaned. others had gasped. you watched as your teacher's scowl had turned into something far more ugly. you did not understand.

"why's everyone looking at me like— oh..."

you slowly turned your head to face the vacant seat that kai rested beneath, only to find that he had finally emerged, slowly standing up straight, cheeks hollow and eyes already rolling to the back of his head.

his reaction was immediate and intense, body body stiffening as if he'd been electrocuted by the mention of his full name, eyes widened in alarm, darting around nervously as if searching for an escape route. a tremor shook his hands, and he began muttering under his breath, a stream of incoherent words punctuated by sharp, uncontrollable hisses.

"LOOK AT WHAT YOU —" your teacher had started, gripping onto your bicep and hauling you out of your seat, away from the danger that was kai as he shoved you towards the exit. "JUST GET OUT! GO!"

you would have gladly left, a spring in your step if all of this had occurred under normal circumstances, but this was different. the commandant's threat, as empty and unbelievable as it may have seemed, was still fresh in your mind. you had escaped trouble the day before simply due to the fact that you had made a run for it, a sanctuary found in your dormitory where no man could enter. however, during classroom activities, there were always higher ups walking up and down the corridors, alert and aware, strict and harsh. they would alert the commandant of you being kicked out of your class despite your bribery.

you could not leave.

"i'm sorry, i didn't meant to!" you tried, turning your back to the door as you pleaded with your teacher. "i'll sit at the back and stop talking! i won't bother anyone, i swear!"

"GET," your teacher punctuated, pointing at the door, his voice carrying even through kai's loud hisses, "OUT!"

"please —" you tried again, placing your hands together and staring up at him with raised brows.

"NOW!"

you flinched, a faint ringing now audible as you opened the classroom door and made your way out.

your plan had changed; searching left and right, alert, you noted how empty the hallways were, slowly making your way down, unsure of what to do for the remainder of the time left.

you wandered the hallways aimlessly, each step a cautious whisper against the cold, wooden floor. the oppressive silence of the corridor only amplified your wariness, every distant creak and murmur sounded like the impending approach of the commandant. shadows loomed large, stretching and shifting with your movement, making your heart race with flickers of something almost akin to fear (not that you actually feared badis, but you figured that avoiding any sort of trouble would be beneficial).

at the end of the corridor, you spotted the imposing silhouette of the commandant, his stern gaze scanning the halls like a predator on the hunt. your heart nearly dropped to your stomach as you stumbled in your hurried attempt to turn around and slide away without being heard or seen. you had nearly made it, for all of two seconds, before you heard your name being called out harshly.

he had spotted you.

"l/n!"

at first, you tried to ignore it.perhaps if you continued to walk as though you hadn't heard him, he'd give up.

wrong: he called out your name again.

"L/N!"

you let out a stressed sigh, peering over your shoulder and locking eyes with him. you could almost feel the weight of his annoyance and disapproval from afar.

"what are you doing out of class?" he demanded, his voice echoing around you.

though you had made clear eye contact with him, that did not stop you from walking as though you had somewhere else to be. you spoke to him in a rushed manner, urgency clear in your alarmed voice.

"just going to the toilet!" you carelessly lied, speeding up the movement of your legs to get away from him quicker.

he paused. you held your breath and turned your head back around, speed walking away.

"the toilets are that way!" he all but roared at you, catching you out in your poorly-told lie, and when you'd glanced over at him again, you were taken aback when you realised just how close he was to you before he broke off into a run.

panic surged through you as the commandant's heavy footsteps thundered closer, so you broke into a sprint, darting around the corner and weaving through the narrow hallways, making your way around the entire building. your heart pounded like a war drum in your chest as you skidded to a halt in front of the toilet door, throwing it open and diving inside without a second thought. only then did you realize, too late, that you had bolted into the boys' toilets, the echo of the commandant's pursuit still ringing in your ears.

change of plans, you had decided, pressing your ear to the door and listening to his footsteps coming closer and closer. once you were certain he was near, you took a tentative step back and looked down at the thin gap between the door and the floor, taking action once you'd seen his shadow move, indicating his arrival. you ran out just as the door to the girls' toilets had closed, telling you that he had gone in to search for you.

you wasted no time darting forwards and twisting the lock from the outside, letting out a sigh of relief, the tension leaving your shoulders while the commandant twisted the handle, pushing and shoving at the locked door and demanding that you open it for him.

you turned away, humming to yourself as you listened to his very rude demands:

"YOU OPEN THIS DOOR RIGHT NOW YOU FOOLISH GIRL IF YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU!"

the door knob rattled violently

"OPEN. THIS. DOOR."

you were almost afraid of the knob falling right off.

"I WILL MAKE YOU CLEAN THIS ENTIRE BUILDING, SCRUB EVERY NOOK AND CRANNY OF THIS DISGUSTING PLACE! I WILL FORCE YOUR HAND INTO THESE TOILETS IF YOU DON'T OPEN THIS DOOR RIGHT NOW, YOU TROUBLESOME, FILTHY, STUPID MAGGOT!"

you scoffed, raising a brow at the door he kept banging, watching it shake with each slam of his hand.

"YOU WILL BE EXPELLED —"

it wasn't just his statement that had caught your attention. it was the several pairs of footsteps you heard amidst his yelling, drawing nearer with each passing second.

you hurriedly unlocked the door and took several steps back as he finally emerged from behind it, just as the higher ups that were on duty had materialised from both ends of the corridor.

commandant badis, his face tomato-red with a vein sticking out from several parts of his forehead, namely his temple, froze upon seeing them. they, too, remained stagnant upon seeing him exiting the girls' toilets.

you looked away, twiddling your thumbs behind your back, holding back a laugh.

"commandant... sir..." one of the men spoke up, apparently unsure of how to go about the situation. he looked as though he wanted to be everywhere else but here. you didn't blame him.

"you were..." another one intervened, raising a shaky finger at the sign behind the two of you: a stick woman in a dress.

"NO!" he snapped, looking around frantically. "you don't understand! she —"

he jammed a finger in your direction. you looked up, brows raised, masking your expression with one of complete innocence. he stared at you, glared at you, his left eye twitching, his thin lips parted.

"i...?" you said, expectantly. a warning. this didn't look good for him. he would have to tread lightly.

"commandant badis," a woman interrupted, her forehead lines prominent as she stared at him, stern. "this is... i'm sorry... everyone will have to be informed of —"

"it's fine," you hurriedly cut in, smiling. your plan was in motion. if he knew what was good for him, he'd let you say your piece and in return, would drop any punishments he had formed in his mind. "it's not what it looks like. he was escorting me to the toilet because i'm not allowed to go on my own."

the story made sense, for every higher up here knew of your existence and were warned to be very cautious of everything you did.

the woman seemed unconvinced.

"that doesn't explain why he was inside."

"i thought i saw one of the male cadets in there so i ran out. so he went to check while i was messing with the lock on the door and then i accidentally locked him in, which is why he looks so angry."

the higher ups stared down at you, each of their expressions slowly starting to form into one of understanding. it was a good thing that you were so you. had it been any other person, this excuse would have run dry, it would have been completely fruitless. but messing with the lock, accidentally locking him in? for you, that was probably the most tamest thing they had ever heard you do.

"but... he said he'll drop any of the consequences he had in mind because it was an accident, right, sir?" you added, batting your lashes at him knowingly.

his nostrils flared, but one glance at the people watching him and he let out a loud sigh.

"can't believe i'm saying this..." he began, clearing his throat, "the maggot's right."

bingo — you tried not to smile so hard.

each higher up apologised profusely. commandant badis seemed to be visibly shaking with restrained anger, fists clenched. you had survived the horse incident miraculously. you would not let that go to waste by messing up here.

"get back to class!" he all but yelled at you.

saluting and then nodding, you marched off, roaming the corridors for the remainder of the time you were meant to be in the classroom for, stress free and absolutely ecstatic with yourself. you couldn't wait to reminisce about this with sasha and mikasa when you got back, a tale of how you defeated the big, bad dragon here in utopia. right now, though, you wanted to join hitch and marlowe for lunch.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・

"LEEEEEVIIIIIII!" sang hange, who had been leading half of her squad members and erwin to the captain outside of the scouts' quarters, several horses in tow.

if hange and the rest of the group erwin had taken with him up to the wall had returned, that meant their business was now concluded and the scouts could finally focus on preparing for the next expedition. levi had recently gotten an earful from erwin, something about being more wise with what he spends half the money on, but he had dismissed that without another thought about it. if nearly half of the squads that had been lead out during the last expedition hadn't returned yet, money or not, erwin would never have been able to get the green light from zachary to fund another expedition, so what did it matter if he spent some of it on a few extra tea leaves? it posed no harm to the regiment at all.

besides, the group were smiling to themselves, which told levi enough: they'd secured the funds, it was nearly time for another scouting mission outside the walls.

what he did not understand, however, was the overly excited look on hange's face. there had been plenty of times since levi's recruitment where they'd secured enough funds, but he had never seen her look this excited since the last time erwin allowed her to capture a titan for experimental purposes (which was several months ago).

what the hell was she grinning so stupidly about?

"guess what?" she said, smiling wide enough for him to be able to count every white tooth in her mouth if he so pleased.

"mission was a success," he stated idly, before turning his head ever so slightly to be able to glance up at erwin. "mike's still at trost with the 104th —"

"that's not what i was gonna say!" hange interrupted him with an exaggerated frown.

he regarded her with a look of restrained irritation, repressing the ongoing desire to kick her in the shins.

"what," he snapped, wondering whether he should have given her the invitation to enlighten him. he was reminded of one gloomy morning where he had asked what she was up to and was left to deal with her never-ending rambling for hours before erwin had saved him with a request (order) for a task.

"woah, who pissed in your breakfast?" she teased, barely giving him any time to insult her before she prattled on. "we met someone yesterday!"

"perhaps we should go inside and discuss the rest of our plans," erwin had intervened.

in any normal instance, levi would have ignored hange prattling on and go straight inside, following the commander's order (not because it was an order, but because he felt like it). however, the slight tension in erwin's jaw did not got amiss by the captain, and he had become well aware that the two of them had encountered something. he could tell just by the way erwin seemed so adamant to avoid the topic, stifling hange's excited jittering for no apparent reason other than that there were plans to be discussed.

hange could easily say whatever needed to be said on the way — it was what erwin usually encouraged, seeing as a scenario very similar to this one had happened more often than not. why was this case so different? what were they hiding?

levi did not want to seem interested. he could live without the information, sure, but he had been so bored out of his mind for the last few days, he found himself silently wanting to know.

and he hated that.

"wait, erwin," said hange, making a move to wrap an enthusiastic arm around levi; he immediately raised his hand to swipe it away before it could reach him — he might be feeling a little out of his comfort zone with interest in places where it shouldn't be, but he was still levi. "we had the most eventful mission since sawney and bean!"

he didn't raise a brow, he didn't ask for more, he didn't even tilt his head ever so slightly in that way that he does when he'd silently gesture to continue.

erwin cleared his throat. "shouldn't you be writing up the report of today's events, hange?"

she looked up at him with an air of indifference, waving a hand dismissively. the other scouts would have thought twice before doing such a thing, but hange had always acted without thinking anyway.

"moblit has that covered!" she turned back to levi excitedly. "anyway, you have a lot to explain, actually," she babbled, smiling all the while despite sounding rather accusatory.

"the hell did i do?" he demanded, unimpressed.

maybe he had been mistaken. perhaps hange was talking about nonsense like she tended to do every other day.

but every other day, erwindidn't seem so dismissive of it.

"well maybe i shouldn't tell you since you never told us!" she responded, poking his bicep in such a manner that made him want to grab her hand and snap her wrist.

"never told you what," said levi, growing more annoyed by the second. what was the point of being so vague? just say it and get it over and done with.

"we met —"

"— dot pyxis," said erwin, raising an arm and pointing at the gates. that single move alone had the rest of the scouts making their way inside in a huddle.

"oh! good idea, erwin!" said hange, all of a sudden very agreeable. he did always have a feeling that she was a bit bipolar, switching between different emotions quicker than he could say his own name, but he had never seen her act so vague. "yep! we met pyxis!"

levi stared at her, deadpanned, eyes locked onto her's with an unyielding, stoic gaze, a masterclass in impassivity. unbeknownst to both erwin and hange, his curiosity simmered beneath the surface, hidden behind a mask of granite he hoped looked convincing. the flicker of amusement in hange's eyes only made him more resolute, his face a perfect portrait of controlled apathy. silence stretched between them like a taut bowstring, his expression unchanging, a silent challenge for her to break first.

hange tilted her head forwards, her eyebrows raised in playful anticipation. she leaned in slightly, the corners of her mouth twitching upwards as she waited, eyes sparkling with unspoken mischief.

levi did not break his silence.

as the rest of the scouts made their way past the tall gates, the two remained locked in a silent war with one another, spectated by erwin, who was also patiently waiting for one of them to yield.

hange, as impatient as bothered as she usually tended to be, had been the first to speak up, her voice teasing and expectant.

"you're... not going to ask what we really meant?"

levi had been quick with his response:

"no."

she paused, as though trying to comprehend his one-word answer. he mentally scoffed at her — was she not meant to be the smartest in the regiment? he had once overheard nanaba and mike betting on whether erwin or hange were the smartest; levi decided that he knew the answer to that now.

"well if that settles the matter," started erwin, pulling on the lead for his horse to jolt into movement, "we have other, more important business to attend to."

hange turned away, walking with a spring in her step as they moved on, changing the subject entirely and babbling on about nonsense. levi silently listened, but did not register anything she had been saying properly, his mind still occupied by that odd conversation.

perhaps he really had been mistaken. it must have been another one of those weird conversations with hange — the ones where she made absolutely no sense, the ones where he usually never bothered trying to understand.

but even those conversations had never gained erwin's full, undivided attention.

as the day went on, he did not think about it again, pushing the odd encounter to the back of his mind which proved well for him, for neither erwin nor hange had brought it up either. it was definitely not one of those weird conversations hange always brought up, but it did not need to be dwelled on by levi of all people.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・

day 6:

you found yourself on the training field with hitch and marlowe, the air thick with the sounds of grunts and shouts as the rest of the cadets around you practiced their hand-to-hand combat techniques. you, hitch, and marlowe moved fluidly, your bodies a dance of practiced strikes and evasions. in between these sessions full of concentration and skill, the three of you found yourselves immersed in good conversation, talking about everything and nothing all at once. your laughter bubbled up, mingling with the rhythmic cadence of your movements, sweat glistening on your brows.

as the three of you trained together, thoughts of malakai flickered through your mind. the memory of his reaction in class, a volatile mix of hissing and shaking, played over in your thoughts and you couldn't help but feel a pang of curiosity about him and his whereabouts. of course, you were well aware that he never trained on the public grounds, instead finding himself working on his own deep in the woods. you weren't too sure how he practiced hand-to-hand combat if he did not work with a partner or two — though you supposed he did battle his own demons regularly.

despite his dramatic tendencies and intense aversions, there was something almost pitiable about his isolation. during the relentless training session, with the sun bearing down on you all, you had found yourself contemplating your next move (this time, you hoped nothing too horrid would occur).

"do you guys ever just wonder what kai's up to?" you commented, tightening your hair held up in a ponytail.

their responses came together:

"no," said hitch.

"sometimes," said marlowe.

...

you glanced at them both. hitch swiped her leg across the floor, passing his left foot and glaring down at him once he had tripped.

"you think about that weirdo?" she demanded, raising a thin brow at him, accusatory and critical.

he rubbed his backside whilst simultaneously looking up at her, shielding his squinted eyes from the sun.

"i get curious," he admitted, barely abashed. "i can't help it."

hitch did not look too impressed by his admission, her eyes narrowing and lips pressing into a thin line. the usually cheerful light in her eyes dimmed, replaced by a glint of irritation as she crossed her arms and shifted her weight.

"in the woods two days ago, that was the first time in nearly a year since we last spoke to him," he added, which did not prove helpful in his favour, for the crease in between hitch's thin, clean brows had deepened. "i almost forgot what it was like to speak to the guy."

"you barely even spoke to him," snapped hitch, displeased.

"i did," he corrected her, though not unkindly. it was in marlowe-fashion, which was oddly similar to marco-fashion. you tried not to think about him too much: you would have felt guilty for actually starting to enjoy utopia's cadet corps. "when y/n pushed me to him, and i kind of panicked when he was... going crazy. that's what the delay was before he reached the stables, remember?"

"oh, that was you?" you said, pushing your weight on to your left leg as you tilted your head down at him curiously. "we wondered what happened to you back there."

"thanks," hesaid, a touch of bitterness in his tone. you didn't mind, for you had understood the gravity of your actions — taking only hitch's hand and running off, plus using marlowe as some sort of human shield, or a decoy, for lack of better words.

marlowe was sitting up, his elbows resting on his knee caps, absentmindedly fiddling with the sleeves of his uniform jacket, apparently comfortable with simply chatting. it was not as though commandant badis was nearby, which you noted was another difference between him and keith. where keith would wander around and monitor you all, badis left it to the other higher ups instead. although you had noticed, with slight amusement, how they did not seem to do the job well, immersing themselves in mindless chatter with one another, uncaring of the rest of you cadets as though there was this unspoken air of trust that everyone had developed for one another.

you had been residing here for nearly an entire week and the way things worked had still remained very foreign to you.

it did, however, make you quite bitter and envious: why was the southern division so harsh, cruel and strict on you all? clearly it wasn't a necessary requirement.

"so, i get how the whole odm training works for him," you said, nodding, "but what about the rest? like now, for example. doesn't he need a partner to train with?"

"when it comes to combat, commandant badis made it so that he had to interact with one of us," marlowe had helpfully filled the gap in your head.

you lifted your gaze, looking around the vast field as though expecting kai to be out in the open with the rest of you, sun present and all.

"but i don't see him around here," you pointed out, confused.

"there's usually a volunteer," said hitch, "but no one ever volunteers, so one of us is picked by random. it's a weekly occurrence, by the way."

"who was picked this week?"

hitch and marlowe exchanged glances, their eyes meeting in a brief but telling moment of silent communication. her raised eyebrow and his subtle nod suggested a shared understanding that eluded you.

"what?" you voiced aloud, reminding the two of them that for as long as you resided in the north, they were no longer just a duo. "what happened?"

hitch took a deep breath, her eyes flicking between marlowe and you with a mixture of apprehension and resolve. she squared her shoulders, as if steeling herself for your reaction, a slight furrow of her brows as she pursed her lips.

"it was meant to be you."

you wanted to laugh in her face. how ridiculous. you hadn't even been introduced to malakai upon your arrival.

"nice one," you said, scowling. "real funny."

"you think i'd have the energy to make a joke about kai?" sheshot back, brow raised. "look who you're talking to, y/n."

that was a fair point. if there was one thing you knew about hitch, it was that she did not like malakai and felt no need to talk about him at all. in fact, the conversation in itself seemed like an exhausting chore to her.

"i saw isiah leaving breakfast early," said marlowe, "so the commandant must've picked him this week. no one leaves breakfast early unless they've been picked or they're in trouble."

you frowned. "what if he's in trouble?"

"isiah?" laughed hitch, shaking her head with a toothy grin. "all three walls would crumble before that ever happened."

"so," you began, altering the topic in a way that made it so this isiah wasn't the main focus, "why did badis change his mind then? if it was meant to be me, why wasn't i told?"

marlowe shrugged. "wild guess, but probably because having two trouble cadets of different divisions spending time together would result in more harm than good."

"hey, you've yet to meet some of the people from my division that would actually be considered trouble cadets," you said, raising your pointer finger at him with narrowed eyes. you had heard the term 'trouble cadet' be used more this week than ever in your entire life, and you did not particularly like it.

"not enough to have them suspended for two weeks though," hitch calmly commented, lip twitching at your widened eyes.

you faltered. you thought that perhaps she raised a good point, but that did not deter you from thinking otherwise.

"well, there was this one time this guy with anger issues practically body slammed my friend, jean, in the mess hall," you informed them, nodding with such seriousness, you had hoped to convince them to see it from your perspective. "yeah, and it seems like nothing, doesn't it? but it was one of our first few weeks there, so you would have thought everyone would be pretty tame around that time, right? well, not him."

hitch and marlowe exchanged another glance before turning their gazes back to you. their eyes, half-lidded with scepticism, locked onto you with an almost palpable disbelief. hitch raised an eyebrow, her lips curling into a faint, incredulous smirk, while marlowe's expression remained more stoic but equally doubtful. the silence stretched between you all, the air thick with the weight of their unspoken doubts, making it clear that neither of them had been swayed by your insistence on your relative innocence.

"or that time where samuel, a really rude guy by the way, tried to attack me in the kitchens just because i stole his bread for my friend sasha?" you added, scoffing. "as if he had any claim on that bread anyway, he hadn't even bitten into it yet!"

"whatever," sighed hitch, raising her right arm over her shoulder and her left arm around her waist to link hands at her back, stretching. "for our academic classes, he sits underneath the tables —"

"oh i know about that," you said, encouraging her to continue.

"— and for any of the activities we're given outside the field, he's forced to go and participate."

before you could ask why, she had already answered your question. it was almost as if she had gained the ability to read your mind.

"there's no way any of the higher ups could meet his weirdo needs halfway," she said, switching her stretching position to pull her left leg up behind her. "the closest they've gone is allowing more than half of those tasks to take place at nightfall, which sucks for the rest of us."

"he's never been in your group for those?"

it was marlowe who had answered next:

"not for the two of us. i meant it when i said the first time we'd seen him in over two years was the time you met him."

you thought long and hard.

your interest in malakai hadn't just suddenly grown overnight. you remembered quite well the odd speech he'd delivered to you back in class yesterday, and if you could take away anything from it, you understood full and well that he quite liked you.

you thought about it during the hours you had meant to be asleep, how malakai seemed the most daring out of every person you'd met here so far. malakai, you hoped, would help you carry out your plan to escape.

not forever, of course.

you just wanted to see marco's face for a bit. you had found yourself thinking during several training sessions how forgetting his features would be terrible. you just needed a refresher, that was all. besides, you were starting to actually enjoy yourself. you did not want to leave just yet.

"does he train in that same spot in the woods?" you asked, staring ahead at the area that had led you straight to place you'd found him before.

marlowe lifted his hand, a silent request for you to help him up. as hitch answered, you held his hand and started pulling him up.

"who knows?" she'd said, "hopefully i never have to find ou—"

"oh, he's right there!" you announced, inadvertently releasing marlowe's hand. this unfortunate lapse sent him crashing to the ground with a jarring thud for the second time that day.

you paid him no mind, watching malakai in the distance walking in circles with his arms raised and his front pushed forward in that weird stance he always managed.

ignoring hitch's call, you crossed the field and approached him, a slight spring in your step as you got nearer.

malakai's eyes narrowed as he noticed you approaching, his usually stoic expression flickering with a hint of wariness. his body tensed, like a coiled spring, ready to react, but the closer you got to him, the more the walls he had set up around him had started to crumble.

"y/n..." he said, as you finally reached him and raised your brows. "to what do i owe this surprising yet pleasant meeting..."

"where's isiah?" you asked, for you had just noticed how there was no one partnered up with him.

malakai dramatically pointed at the concrete training field where everyone else was working.

"he ran off..." he explained ominously, chest heaving as though he had come back from a five mile sprint. "the darkness must have frightened him... he must have known that he would become consumed by it —"

"sure," you interrupted, nodding despite wholeheartedly disagreeing: if there was something that made the cadet run off, it was most definitely not the missing 'darkness' in broad daylight. but you needed his help, and staying on his good side and not calling him out for his odd behaviour would come in handy. "you owe me something, kai. mind paying up now?"

he locked eyes with you, the dark lining of his waterline stirring something rather unpleasant inside you the longer his chest heaved with heavy breaths, silent as he stared at you.

"you have thrown me off... i do not know what you seek —"

"just some help," you clarified simply. "i need you to cause a distraction so i can run off."

he eyed you warily.

"you are planning to run away..." he repeated, as though testing the idea in his mouth, questioning whether it rolled of his tongue the right way. "that is a shame... ensure that you run at nightfall, where the darkness can lead you to your desired destination."

you had no idea what that meant, but did not question him on it. it wasn't as though everyone at trost would move the second you returned. you were the one on a journey, not them.

"mmm... that's some great advice, but i need to get a move on now," you responded, but he did not seem to understand. sighing, you tried your best at speaking the same language as him. "er... the sun needs to be present so i have the light to find my way back. i can't do that in the dark."

he shook his head at you.

"you... y/n... cannot always focus on the light that you are... in your life..." he whispered. you had to lean in to catch it. "the darkness is your anchor... and you must hold on to it... to reach your destination..."

your eyebrows knitted together slightly, your usual bright demeanour faltering for just a moment as you processed his words. still, you kept your smile fixed, a mask of understanding, while your eyes betrayed the flicker of confusion you had felt. you tilted your head, as if pondering his statement, hoping he wouldn’t notice the uncertainty beneath your feigned nonchalance, and determined not to spook him, you nodded, maintaining your casual posture, silently willing him to stay put.

"great. anyway, we're sticking to my plan," you said, waving a hand at him dismissively. "this works in your favour too. if we get in trouble, you get sent to that dark room."

he perked up, his smile so bright, it half scared you; you took a tentative step back.

"i am in on your plan..."

you grinned. marco would appreciate this, you were sure of it. and even if he wouldn't, it was too late. the plan had already begun.

it had taken some persuasion, but the part of your plan where malakai would need to appear on the training field was something that he had finally agreed to. after mentioning how the dark room would be a form of compensation, he had begrudgingly agreed to help out, but you had always secretly known that if he hadn't, you would have stated his full name in front of everyone and that would have been distracting enough to make a break for it. the trust between the two of you would have been broken, but you would walk through fire and swim through gallons of water if it meant that you could meet marco on the other side.

you found yourself speaking to the cadets that did not seem to know you very well. it was crucial to the plan, for if you had approached someone who knew you, like that stupid boris, for example, he would have known you had something up your sleeve.

"oh, the schedule's changed," you told the young girl that had been unfortunate to walk by you at that time. "we're doing odm training now. commandant badis told me so."

"oh?" she said, absentmindedly touching the gear attached to her hips. "but we've never broken out of schedule before..."

"he would have told the higher ups that govern the training field," you added, if only to convince her a little more, "but... i mean... you know how they're never around."

she nodded in understanding. "yeah, that makes sense... so he asked you to pass the news?"

"yeah, he told boris and i just so happened to be there so he told me too," you lied. "now i'm telling you."

it wasn't long before the news had started to reach everyone on the training field. you could tell the plan was working the moment jessica, who you had recognised as the goody-two-shoes of this division, had started making her way down to the other end of the field where odm training usually took place. jessica would never put a toe out of line. the plan was working.

you helpfully handed out the gas canisters, looking over your shoulder and over everyone else's shoulders to make sure that if any of the higher ups had suddenly decided to make an appearance, you would run back to your dorm and shift the plan's outcome.

the whole point of it was to get the right side of the entrance gate clear enough for you to make a run for it, and if you just so happened to be caught by anyone, you could lie and state that you were asking for clarification about the sudden schedule change. it was not as though anyone had the time to question every single person on who was responsible for the rumour. and you hadn't given your name to that girl you chose to start it off with — you were safe.

the sound of the wires shooting out to grip onto the trees had started all at once. you tried not to laugh just yet, victory was so close and yet so far away. there were still several annoying people looking confused about the whole schedule change, which you had predicted, and some had even started peering at the very area you needed to clear since the commandant's office was nearby the gate.

it was time to bring out the biggest distraction of them all.

you entered the woods, approaching the tree you had instructed malakai to sit behind so you could find him when you needed him.

he was crouching down, not particularly sitting, but not exactly standing either. there was no time to question him.

"it's your cue," you whispered, ushering him out.

he slowly stood up to his full height, nodding at you before marching off. he hesitated on stepping out from beneath the shade, visibly shaking. you had half a mind to push him into the sun but knew better than that. if he caused a scene now, with you present, running off wouldn't even be an option.

"the darkness... the darkness... the darkness... the darkness..." he mumbled under his breath, fingers curled, shoulders broadened, chest heaving, before he finally stepped out into the sun, seizing up and hissing.

you hid behind the tree, watching as everyone's eyes turned to him, feeling triumphant when the annoying ones you had aimed to attract started walking over.

malakai seemed tame, supposedly controlling himself for the sake of your plan. he shot his wires into the nearby trees and flew up, using an unnecessary amount of gas whilst doing so. he circled up into the air, hissing and shouting and screeching as he flew around, unknowingly chasing the other cadets. it reminded you of when he had started chasing you, hitch and marlowe the first time you met him. you understood now that it must have come randomly to him, given the sight before you.

everyone was yelling. the cadets being chased were screaming, malakai was shrieking, the cadets on the ground had flown up to try and stop him. you realised, however, as you leaned in and squinted your eyes up at him, how he seemed to be smirking.

malakai, the one who feared sunlight, seemed to be enjoying himself every time someone screamed in fear.

you bit back a laugh as you ran off, taking the long way around the woods to get to the gate, only to be pulled back by something tugging on the collar of your jacket, resulting in a nasty fall to the crunchy ground.

you looked up.

your smile fell.

it was malakai's supervisor, who you had completely forgotten about.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・

commandant shadis leaned back in his chair, the soft creak of the wood a soothing counterpoint to the usual chaos that accompanied his days. nightfall had settled over the southern division, casting long shadows across his office. the moonlight filtered through the small window, illuminating the stacks of paperwork that seemed less daunting without the constant interruptions and headaches caused by your antics. he let out a contented sigh, a rare smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. the past week had been nothing short of heavenly; no surprise inspections of the barracks revealed unauthorised snacks, no midnight escapades through the kitchens, and no bizarre confrontations with other cadets that required his immediate intervention.

as he dipped his quill into the inkpot, shadis allowed himself a moment to reminisce. each day had been a serene cadence of routine and order, unmarred by the whirlwind that was you. the paperwork that had once felt like a relentless tide now seemed manageable, almost enjoyable, in the quiet of his office. the absence of your disruptive energy had brought a sense of peace he hadn't realised he craved so deeply. he chuckled to himself, thinking about the relief that had washed over the entire division, a collective exhale from him and the rest of his staff alike. for a moment, he dared to hope that this tranquillity might last a little longer than two weeks, savouring the respite from the perpetual storm that you always came with.

as though thinking of your absence had summoned the topic to be brought up, there had been a knock on his door which was swiftly followed by the entrance of one of his higher ups.

he glared, unimpressed at the sight of the rolled up parchment in his hand.

"thought i told you not to bring anything till the morning?"

"sorry, sir," he responded, sounding stressed. it was the same tone he used whenever you were mentioned. commandant shadis sat up straight, brows furrowed, cheeks hollowed. "but this is urgent, sir."

he waved a hand, a silent demand of 'come inside'. he did, rushing to place the parchment on his desk, hurriedly leaving before the commandant could order him to bring him some tea leaves. that captain levi was right, tea was rather stress relieving. or perhaps that was just your absence.

he looked down at the rolled up parchment, wary of the string used to roll it. the emblem told him enough, it was sent from the northern division of the 104th cadet corps.

commandant shadis held his breath, eyes hurriedly darting to the calendar hung on his wall. surely he hadn't been behind on time? surely he still had another week before your inevitable return? he hadn't been mistaken, had he?

he let out a long sigh of relief at the date. no, he had been correct. tomorrow would only be your eighth day. he still had another week of paradise before you would storm in like the devil you are and ruin it. he glanced down at the rolled up parchment, undoing the string. then, this had to be a weekly update of your behaviour, then?

he chuckled to himself, leaning back in his chair and preparing himself. hearing another commandant deal with you would be interesting, for he had been living on cloud nine for so long, he almost forgot what it was like to have you here to ruin it all for him.

ah, this will be fun, he thought to himself, unrolling the parchment.

only to find half the page empty.

he furrowed his brows at the note.

GET HER AWAY FROM HERE.

he sat up, alarmed.

he turned the page over, searching for some context, but there was none.

commandant shadis had no idea what those five words meant, but he knew very well that this was no mistake. this was definitely addressed to him, and the letter was definitely talking about you.

and really, despite his best efforts on trying to find alternative meanings, he knew it really meant one thing.

"OH SHAAAADIIIIIISSSSSS!"

that voice...

it sounded too real.

definitely not inside his head the first day of your absence.

his stomach dropped to his lower region, as far down as it could possibly go.

his eyes widened.

he stood up abruptly, his chair falling backwards with a loud crash! he paid it no mind. he had bigger, badder issues to deal with.

he shut his blinds, locked his windows and his door.

this couldn't be... you had one more week... you weren't supposed to be here... there was no way...

he must've been hearing things, because the next words sung just outside his door in a voice that was uncannily the exact same as yours had said, with a playful, mocking tune:

"guess who's baaaack?"

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・

notes: she's such an icon, i forgot how fun it is to write about her LMFAO

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all characters belong to hajime isayama, except for y/n and malakai, who i've inserted into the story myself

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