#i missed them so much it actually hurt
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Ah, childhood memories (Patreon)
#Doodles#UT#Handplates#Sans#Gaster#Having such clear external-view memories of what happened when they were young would probably give Sans a lot of ammunition lol#Not that they'd know any different - their poor memories honestly :( - but having such clear memories in places would have to be weird#Most people have childhood amnesia to an extent! Tho it's hard to say when that would've applied to them anyway with their sped-up growth#Not to mention the trauma#And it's possible that doesn't apply to Monsters to begin with lol - but it's all a moot point anyway since these are their only memories!#It's sad to think of how much of themselves are missing forever since Gaster didn't experience them :(#This is what happens when you get behind on your work >:0#I really wonder what their lack of memories/restoration of memories would do for their like/dislike of certain things!#Like how Papyrus says that sitting with Sans in his lap makes a lot of sense as to why it was so familiar and comforting#But also that knowing makes it sad as well :( Knowing recolours their understanding and interpretation!#Knowing Why makes things make sense but does it actually Help? It's a tough question - certainly it hurts in the moment#The little things Gaster has infected for them and for himself â„ Like taking notes! Like chess and sweets and spaghetti and lab coats#And dark sweaters and cigarette smoke and hugs and intelligence - how many pieces of all of them have A Feeling attached#How many more have A Memory - and even more than that A Memory Lost and unrecoverable ughhh â„#But the little things they can hold on to hehe <3 Like pinging Gaster for what they all know and remember#Why does he even keep coming over if he knows the reception he'll get? Lol#Feels particularly self-loathing and goes to get bullied as penance pfft
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i think dinostar is such an interesting ship right now even if i've kind of turned away from it after this season. the problem is that it's complicated, and fandoms historically don't like nuanced situations or takes. i don't think it's fair to say darius is putting brooklynn on a pedestal, since from his perspective, she hasn't done anything wrong, and kenji has been framed as this unfair partner to her. it does feel like his feelings are very immature and more of an infatuation right now ("if he loved you half as much.."/"unless?"), especially when you compare them to kenji's own feelings for brooklynn - his girlfriend who he's loved for 6 years - but that isn't a horrible thing, it's just different. i do completely understand if people dislike the ship right now, and even criticize darius' way of handling the accidental confession, but i just think people have been way too harsh on all three of them without being willing to see that all of their perspectives are different
#like darius' whole thing this season was his tendency to say or do the wrong thing and make things awkward by complete accident#he's a very awkward person as it is and considering he's also never dealt with romantic feelings before and he didn't even mean to tell her#about them it makes sense that he once again said and did the wrong things while trying to fix it#i'm not going to judge his characterization just yet until we see how he handles his own feelings vs kenji's next season after finding out#she's alive#he was still respectful of her and i doubt after learning more of kenji's side and realizing this man genuinely does still love and miss he#that he would prioritize pursuing her romantically(especially since she already yk.. rejected him and also literally just left them all)#if anything i think the finale putting his feelings about her survival to the side and focusing on how it hurt kenji to see her alive and#leave him kind of indicates that brooklynn's not really going to be much of a love interest for darius after this#which imo as a dinostar enjoyer and professional darius lover i'm actually okay with#slightly off topic but season 2 has made me really appreciate kenlynn on its own because of how tragic and nuanced it is#so i think focusing on them instead is not only a better decision in terms of consistency and storytelling but it's just the more realistic#and satisfying choice right now#and that's not to say i think they'll be perfectly fine or even together again once they're reunited properly#in fact i very much hope she ends up alone and they all get closure from this#and there's always the possibility that later on the show might actually revisit dinostar again#which would be better than them trying to do so now in my opinion#idk this is probably a mess but i've been trying to think about how i felt about this love triangle for awhile and since s2 handled it#completely differently than i thought they would. i feel like it's not going to be that simple#and i just wish fans of all sides would kind of chill out on the characters lmao#jwct#chaos theory#jwct s2 spoilers#brooklynn jwct#jwct season 2 spoilers#dinostar#kenlynn#kenji kon#darius bowman#jurassic world
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This Audio Is SICKENING.
YaâllâI donât even know where to begin.
When I tell you that I physically FLINCHED upon seeing Alexâs face in the thumbnail, the way my heart started beating, the way I started SHAKING while putting my AirPods inâyou guys wouldâve thought that Iâve gotten some terrible news or something. AndâI donât even know whatâs CRUELERâthe fact that Saku posted this audio on April Fools day, making us go back and forth between âis this cannon?â or ânah, this is definitely a joke!â Or him making it all lovey dovey at first, giving us a false sense of securityâwaiting for us to finally let our guard down so he could get ready to strike. But I do know that it broke me, and made me feel for listener even more.
I think one of the biggest reasons why it broke me so much was because we can see how much listener blames themselves. How much they think the breakup is all their fault.
And you can see how much its impacted them.
You see the thing with Alex is that he is really, really bad with communication. Heâs rather quiet about how he feels, and doesnât voice it out loud. A person like thisâwho doesnât talk about their own feelings, whoâd rather stay silentâusually are alone with their own thoughts. And thatâs when things get rocky, especially in a relationship. One of the things that I noted in the break up audio (besides all the gaslighting, manipulation, and reality distortion), was the fact that Alex has had that argument on his mind ever since it happened, and not ONCE has he said something about it until the day they broke up. He was alone with his thoughts the entire time up to that pointâmulling over the argument, his feelings, his futureâand I feel like him doing this, instead of actually talking to listener to see how things can work out deadass lead him to believing that they couldnât be together, which lead him to not tell them about the job offer until the very last minute. I wholeheartedly believe that if he sat down with them, and told themââhey, I know you said sorry, but I still feel like shit because you made me feel this way,â if the thoughts got to be too much, then maybe things wouldâve been better. But he didnâtâand just like listener, he assumed the worst, and on top of thatâ gave up without even trying to fight for the person he claimed to love so much. Instead, all he did was make excuses, act hypocritically, gaslight them, and blame them for everythingâall the while not realizing that there was a whole bunch of things HE couldâve done better too.
And we can see how much it took a toll on listenerâconsidering the fact that they were ridden with so much guilt that canât even sleep well at night.
I can feel how much they hate themselves through Alexâs words as he tore into them, and this is honestly partly Alexâs fault, because he reduced them to a mistake they made. Dream Alex (who will now be referred to as DA from now on) was taunting listenerâand throwing the words Alex said to them during the break up back to them. He kept on reminding them of their mistakes, and that THEY are the reason why he left. He kept on reminding them of the worst parts of themselvesâand thatâs high key what Alex did during the break up too. I feel like we all need to acknowledge that what DA said to listener in this audio is most definitely not a reflection of the way the real Alex would talk and actâsimply because DA is a figment of listenerâs imagination. And since listener is filled with so much hurt and heartbreak right now, of course their own guilt and self hatred is going to distort how things operate in their mind. So, letâs not take the things he has said at face value.
Listener has a lot to work on. Their trust issues left a wound that ran deeper than they initially thought. In a way, they are too much in their own head as wellâand do end up going to the worst case scenario, and this behavior stems from the trauma they sustained from their former partner. This leads them to do irrational things, like invading Alexâs privacy and accusing him of stuff that only happened in their head.
Both of them have a lot of shit they need to work on. Alex needs to learn how to actually talk about how he feels, learn how to take accountability for the things heâs done wrong, and maybe grow a damn backbone, and listener needs to go get some damn therapy, get their trust issues sorted out, and learn all the facts before they come at people with any assumption they might have about them. I feel like this dream was kind of the point where listener realizes that they simply just canât let their relationship end like this, because through this dream sequence, they realize that there was still a lot of stuff that was left unsaid, and are now seeking for some closure. I think now itâs the best time to go for it, considering that Alex apparently didnât go to NYC and stayed in London instead (this is still very much unclear). And I am hoping and praying that his ass has the same nightmare listener had as well. Listener canât be the only one who has a wake-up call (pun intended).
Their downfall was caused because these two idiots donât know how to convey their emotions to each other properly. They couldâve had it all if one just actually opened their damn mouth to speak, and the other would just simply think before they open theirs.
This confrontation can go two ways: they cut each other loose and go about their own lives, or they find a way to make it work, (granted that they are BOTH willing to work on themselves).
Do I think their relationship is a lost cause? I donât know. Something tells me that this probably isnât the end, and a part of me (as much as I talk shit about how much I want listener to be an absolute bad bitch and leave him to drown in his regret), doesnât want it to be the end.
With this being said, I still donât like Alex. Itâs gonna take much more than a damn walk down memory lane with a bizarre, brutal, dream version of him to get me to like him again.
Oh and by the way, Saku if youâre reading thisâsleep with one eye open tonight.
Masterlist
#zsakuva alex#zsakuva#alex zsakuva#why did the beginning make me miss him a lil!??#this audio was so damn sad bro#poor listener dude#I still donât like Alex though#sakuverse#They are both hurting#as much shit as I talk tho#I want them to end up happy together#this shit actually broke my heart
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you know. i feel like chara is obviously a very complex character and has a lot of problems and a lot going on, but i always thought that the fact that the whole wanting to kill people from their village was like. not that bad. in and of itself.
#just considering the fact too that the anniversary newsletter this year more or less fully confirmed what was suspected for many years#like. it is not GOOD but i understand it#i think i may be projecting here but at the same time when you are a kid in a situation like that#it is not just the fact that someone is hurting you in some way#a lot of the time it becomes easy to extend that to the whole world. other people can hurt you in smaller ways that feel so much bigger when#things are already bad. adults who should have helped you fail you by not doing so#and there can be a lot of reasons to that. most of the time people genuinely do not know#but from a kidâs perspective it can feel like the whole world is against you#so given the power that they had and the motivation now that they thought they would be helping by collecting the souls and that maybe that#was even what was expected of them (not actually but how they might have felt)#i donât know. not their worst crime. i get it#chara undertale they could never make me hate you. i would not have been so kind#ALSO i think with a lot of people oversimplifying asriel as well they miss the fact that in hindsight he says he understands that maybe#fighting back would have been better and that there are a lot of dangerous people out there
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me when the doomed yaoi is actually doomed. im so upset give them back (this post is about 4halo)
#goopert talks qsmp#qsmp#4halo#not actually upset i mean /rp upset like fittingly upset about the situation that has occured for q!bbh and q!forever on behalf of them#anyway WHAT DO YOU MEAN FOREVER IS EITHER TAKING A BREAK FROM THE QSMP OR IS LEAVING PERMANENTLY WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE DON'T KNOW WHICH#IM SO SADDDDD im gonna miss them so much#meanwhile cc!bbh when he sees a moment to make his character spiral: >:) (he's so real for that)#ohhhh everything hurts it's all gonna hurt so bad. ohhhhh god#also you know how bad can do x4 quests now for some reason?#imagine one of those is for richas. oh my god.#guys im already envisioning richas relying on q!bbh more and more and eventually wanting to call him pai im so sad
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Itâs so embarrassing and heartbreaking being in so much pain over losing someone while knowing they donât give a fuck if you live or die. Your favorite person becoming a stranger is a special kind of hell.
#I fucking hate having bpd#while Iâm at it I donât understand the fuckin audacity some people have to say they love you and do horrible things to you#I feel so stupid#I feel so stupid for believing all the lies#but I was so in love and put him on such a pedestal that I just allowed it all.#thinking about someone constantly and grieving over them and knowing theyâre perfectly fine and to them you donât exist#Iâm still in such a state of grief and I donât understand why time hasnât healed#it honestly feels like itâs gotten worse w time#I just torture myself but I canât help it my brain wants me dead#itâs so painful I feel so fucking stupid#being abandoned with no closure by someone whoâs your entire world#for someone they were unfaithful to you with multiple times (I donât even know how many and dony want to know) immediately#like that was the plan all along#he took our cat hundreds of miles away and I donât even know if he still has her or if sheâs still alive and I miss her every day#I never loved someone like that and it feels like the heartbreak is actually physically killing me#i spent 1/5 of my entire life with him#I was my prettiest and had the best body at the time and I wasted it on someone who didnât appreciate me#not wasted. it wasnât wasted. we had some incredible times together#Iâll never be that beautiful again#and now idk what do so bc i canât decide which is worse: being alone and isolating or loving deeply and ending up horribly hurt all over#itâs all just so upsetting.#and I feel so stupid for allowing it all#he knows more about me than anyone and he made me feel like he loved me so much sometimes and then did horrid things and itâs so fucked up#nobody read this Iâm so embarrassed and horribly broken#it traumatized me so much there was so much abuse and pain idk if Iâll ever recover#I deserved it but it still hurts my heart#I was so mentally ill and sick I know it had to have been miserable to be around me#there are so many things only he understands and knows about me and I need to talk about them I j wanna b able to b there 4 each other#but that girl is so beyond insecure and controlling so. if I want to talk to who fuckin gets me Iâm just fucked#why lead someone on like that for years knowing youâre going to abandon them the second itâs convenient
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whatever you do, don't imagine a young J Corvin waiting every day at the end of their drive, hoping today is the day the mail carrier finally brings a letter from their very best friend
#i'm personally about to start sobbing#how many letters do they try sending#how long does that sweet gentle soul wait - I actually don't want to know#little too close to home frankly lmao#grandpa i don't CARE that something evil lives in fernweh and wants to eat me or control me or whatever - that's my bestie!!#I just did James's route and this part hurt so much worse#fernweh saga#like J is SO scared to ask MC if they can write this time & they're trying to be SO supportive--#--of the fact that the last time they tried MC was going through an incredibly difficult time in their life#but that doesn't mean it didn't hurt so badly#and like it's obviously not MC's fault bc they never even got the letters in the first place#but now I want to cry thinking about how my MC hugs James at the police station when they meet again and how he's probably like ???#my MC missed him and James is like 'weird reaction for someone who couldn't be bothered to write back'#'and shattered my little fifteen year old heart into pieces'#i'm making wild assumptions about the inner workings of J's mind here but anyway#j corvin#all i'm saying is if my best friend was ripped out of my life and I tried writing them I would be religiously checking the mailbox#probably far longer than I should but still trying to hold out hope
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rain always makes me think of brocedes
#the way it's loud but quiet at the same time#like it's beautiful but it won't last long#like at the beginning of it it's beautiful and there's wind and clouds#then when it ends there's just mud#idk i always listen to sad songs and look at brocedes posts when it rains#i miss them so much#like it's actually a physical pain in my chest#that makes me sob actual tears#bring back my parents man#i hope they find eachother again#also one quote makes me think of them#the one that goes something like#all the love in the world is useless if there's no understanding#a dagger through my heart would hurt less#brocedes#lewis hamilton#nico rosberg
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Chapter 89
I just finished Chapter 89
#I just finished Chapter 89⊠I donât know what else to say⊠I have a lot to say⊠but⊠like⊠no. Just no.#Kingdom of Ash spoilers in tag and I guess kinda post but not really#90s only gonna hurt more with Abraxos & Narene & I hate reading reactions & Dorianâs not there & Manon my love like what do we do now what#first read#reading reacts#live updates#read with me#cry with me die with me idk cause why with me all I have now is bad rhymes cause my brain has been evaporated too (too soon?)#read along#Chapter 89#Kingdom of Ash#Sarah Jessica Maas why did you do this to me#I miss ACOTAR where no one dies#I mean itâs well written#and Iâm fangirl heartbroken#but also real world crying#cathartic read world grief Maasverse moments and love and loving and hope and destruction and despair and fangirling and feels and agh#this better have a happy ending#I canât keep calm but I guess Iâll read on#I donât know the last time a book made me actually cry this much and broke my heart so deeply⊠I miss you already Asterin⊠Vesta⊠Sorrel⊠13#stupid tag letter count cut off stopping me from listing them all but my loves ⊠always ⊠until the darkness claims us⊠and even thenâŠ#I am not okay#I am dead inside#I will never recover#KoA actually stands for Killed Off All of my soul thatâs what the KOA part means#SARAH WHAT DID YOU DO#I wish I could hug fictional characters#havenât finished the book yet just the chapter that finished me#once 13 always 13#I prefered live Fenrys since it ACTUALLY INVOLVED LIVING
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i only just found your au and i need everyone to have a happy ending so badly im gonna cry ;-; sally is gonna be so freakin upset when she wakes up for real and sees she decimated barnaby.
oh, Barnaby already has his arm stitched back on when she wakes up! and really, even if he didn't, that'd be the Least of her worries. she wakes up into a Real nightmare - partially of her (unintentional) making
#happy endings... well... yes and no. depends on what act you look at#act one? no! actually things get So Much Worse in an entirely festive new way!#act two? eh! sorta! its more bittersweet than anything#act three and four blend into each other so much that three doesn't have an 'ending'#but the final act - act four... well. who's to say! im still workshopping what i want to happen#but i do know it's still gonna have at Least a bittersweet tinge to it#wh lights out au#rambles from the bog#there are consequences and not everyone Makes It. i dont like stories where everything wraps up perfectly fine#even if it hurts! i like it when things hurt in a good way. those stories where the ending is overall positive#but Enough Happened that its just... its an ache. looking at where someone used to be. you know?#my favorite shows and books and fics have ended with me smiling while sobbing bc it yes it Hurts but it was So Fucking Good#and while i wouldnt be able to handle rewatching/rereading due to Emotional Damage...#i think of them fondly and often and theyre Important to me#perfectly happy endings just rub me wrong. it always feels like there's something Missing despite it all being idyllic#i cant let my own stories - original or aus or whatever - have that kind of end#so if thats what people are hoping for! you've come to the wrong person and the wrong au!#i like to be kind but that rarely extends to my creative works!#i like it messy and painful and bittersweet and i like to be Ruthless with my creations with no compromise#sometimes characters need to fight. or leave. or die. or make serious mistakes. etc.#but anyway! anyway....#i will say that there isn't a happy ending for Everyone. and for others it's... complicated. again - bittersweet
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'...you know jokes like those actually hurt me, right?'
"who said I was joking?"
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'oh.'
#vent#personal#delete later#so um#i don't talk with my family about stuff often cuz#they don't really listen#it's#they always think I'm putting on airs or acting when I say something#i mean#it's not#i don't really know whether or not i actually have a problem#but sometimes i check over my behavior and#some of it doesn't seem normal?#i mean i don't know i'm not an expert and my opinion doesn't mean much but#it just doesnt seem like something we're supposed to experience#so i'll tell them sometimes#well actually i've told them multiple times that i feel like something isn't right#i mean we told them about our back and leg pain maybe 3 years ago?#that wasn't taken seriously#even when i fell the first time it wasn't taken seriously#it took me actually breaking down and crying to miss a singular day of school#mentally speaking i think i might have something going on#i mean i've told my brother that i might have depression and#he just brushes it off and jokes about it#we get home and tell him we've had a bad day and he'll joke about how the m22's there for me and its#it really hurts but no one takes me seriously and i don't know if we're overreacting or if there's genuinely something wrong#in april the thing with my legs happened again and the next day i was told that i was fine and that i needed to go back to school and#And that's not wrong i've never missed school i don't miss school even when i am sick i take a day off and bounce right back but#It kind of feels like they donât take me seriously?#this is stupid sorry iâll take this down later
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i can almost guarantee ive said it before but. he would thrive in a zero escape game
#an octopath ze au would be kinda fun actually.. especially the octo2 party#would love to see these guys in an escape room . it would be so awful#temenos would fit in perfectly and might even make a good mc given his 'truth lies in the flame' segments..#i could see partitio doing well bc of his creativity and general demeanor#osvald is great at math but idk how trusting hed be of everyone in this situation.. especially if they assume zero is one of them early on#thronĂ© . girlie im so sorry#i think shed do fine for the most part (hard to say how much her thieving skills would be of help here) but she did not deserve this </3#do not let ochette into any pantry or food storage room. i dont trust any of that food#i wonder if shed have her partner(s) here tho.. how do u handle an owl and/or jackal in this situation..#she would be great for morale tho#same for agnea tho i worry for her emotional state a lil bit . help her#who am i missing .. CASTTI#shes good at managing stress (both hers and others) in awful situations . thank god#and shes there if anyone gets hurt đ#not that its likely outside of bad end situations ? tho i may be thinking of the 999 map too much..#would it be more fun to use that as the setting or something else altogether.. more modern or more like octopath 2..#how the fuck would someone even make an escape room in . what is it like the industrial revolution. steam era#would it make sense to be able to use magic in universe to pull off something similar..#the canonicity of some ingame mechanics is dubious so its hard to tell how malleable magics uses and effects are..#itd probably be easier to place everyone in a modern setting but i have no idea what some of them would be that way#.. modern fantasy setting ??????#what if they had smartphones in octopath. would that be fucked up or what#also who the hell would be zero . would anyone be in kahoots w zero.. or at least Know Things but be unable to say smth abt it#i straight up forgot to mention hikari earlier but hes prolly like. fine#his intrusive thpughts would probably Suck Bad here but hed want everyone to get out alive as much as everyone else combined#wait who would even be the 9th person. would it be zero. but who..#if it were octo1 id say kit but its harder to get a good octo2 equivalent of him.. hm..#oh god im out of tags . tho what would the game style be like.. nonary game ab game etc etc.. what would be unique but fitting..#am i gonna look into actual scientific theories for this . and how would the morphogenetic field come into play.. and Why..#octotag
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~
#they speak!#it's probably just the illness that's making me extra irritable but like.#roommate kept coming up to me this morning going oh did i wake you up? i'm sorry if i did. did i do that or no? i'm really sorry.#and i kept telling him to stop saying sorry because i didn't have the brain power to phrase#'you could've been more considerate of your volume but you also have the right to use the common space so it's whatever'#but he said it to me again before i went to my room just now and it's like. ok. shut up.#if you actually cared that much u would've just been quieter in the first place actually.#anyways. annoyed. there were some annoying customers in the store today but it was whatever.#i feel like my fucks to give had already worn out with all the ppl in my social circle/my parents and the recent ongoings of that#[redacted] was being passive aggressive to me in the group chat and it's like. ok! idk what u want from me.#and i'm grateful for them for coming over and helping me with cleaning last week#and it's those sorts of actions that let me know they care and want good things for me#but like. i haaaate telling them anything because even innocuous non-private things get turned into judgement with them.#also. more and more i can feel how i'm drifting away from h and now with retrospect i can see how we mutually hurt each other :)#i keep coming back to this one period where i really wanted to take them to try dimsum and they kept saying they were too scared to try it#and in their new friend group they regularly go out n get dimsum together. which on the surface is like. why didn't you want to go with /me#i told you i wanted to share what i liked and i would explain what things were and i could do the talking and you still said no#but it's also very much a reflection of how i always rolled over and enabled them. i never challenged them. i was always passive.#i also feel like i'm heavily neglecting e and a recently and i can tell how the physical distance is affecting us and idk. it's weird.#anyways. another post that should've been a journal entry! lol!#when [redacted] helped with cleaning they also buried my journal under my like#300 packets of sesame candies and i can't be bothered to dig it out. also my bandaids are missing now. <3#ik this also sounds passive aggressive but genuinely appreciate the help i just kinda hate how they think hidin everything in boxes is good#'we need to get you some more storage boxes and containers!!' actually i think that will be the opposite of helpful.#i need everything visible and on open surfaces so i can 1) remember they exist for me to use and 2) not have barriers for me to get to them
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đ
#today of all days might feel the hardest of them all#I have been having a really hard time coming to terms with the reality of this and what it all really means#I feel as though since liam passed I havenât been able to really understand it all or believe it to be true just out of pure shock and#not wanting to believe it#it just doesnât seem possible or real#but today is different#today somehow feels more painful than ever before#my heart hurts my chest hurts my whole body aches#I know people say when they lose someone they feel like a part of them is missing#well I really do have a piece of me missing#these boys are what allowed me to survive#if it werenât for these boys I donât know if Iâd even be here today#they kept me going and gave me a purpose and a light that I couldnât find by myself#I havenât been able to sit down and actually write something meaningful as a tribute to liam bc it just didnât seem real and I knew if I#tried to write something that would mean it was really real#Liam was actually going to be gone#and here we are today seeing horrible horrible photos of the boys from some fucksd up people who think itâs okay to invade someoneâs most#private moments and share them with the world#and I think this#seeing their faces#is what really made this all come to life for me and made me really grasp the fact that heâs gone#and it just made me so furious I#I donât know how to go on with my life knowing that heâs gone and there will just forever be a piece of me missing#like I just canât process the fact that the person who kept me going is now ??? gone#and I just have to somehow accept that?#and continue on as if everything is fine ??#I canât understand how to do that#I just donât know#I grew up with these boys#they quite literally shaped me into who I am today and it just hurts so so so much and I donât know how to handle it
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if a muay thai instructor doesnt let u wear handwraps as a 'ground rule' since they're aiming for 'wrist conditioning' and when i ask if its a problem that i still do he says 'haha. Yes' is that a major concern yes or yes
#I SHOULD CHOOSE WHICH PARTS OF MY BODY TO CONDITION OR NOT CONDITION ??????#and yeah wrist strength would be great but you know what also gives me that#wraps.#which i'd wear in a fight anyway but i don't fight i just do this as a hobby and form of exercise#sorry it protects so much more than just the wrists and taking the risk of not using them is far worse for me than missing out on#a bit of conditioning#'oughhh its for wrist strength' so if i fracture my hand again and bring back those tendon problems it's ok if i have meaty wrists#if they want to suggest it thats fine but he actually would not let me if i tried to wear them again at a second class#the coaches know way more than i do i've got absolutely no idea compared to them#but i do have the choice of whether or not i protect myself#and i'll choose to do what has kept me free from injury for many years now#so now i have to send some dramatic text like heyyyy i respect your rules but won't put myself at unnecessary risk so if you#don't want me back that's fine <3#helppp maybe i'm being dramatic sorry asking everyone in the class#including beginners#to wear no wraps for 'conditioning' is so so stupid#people will get hurt#rant into the void over thanks for listening skhjdbcsjd
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#vent post#suicide tw#my go to response to everything can not be âi want to die.â like great#its not like I actually want to or will follow through on it but fuck.#years worth of character growth and here I am back in fucking a middle school mindset.#like what even is the fucking point.#why am i trying to hard for people wuo do not care.#i feel so stupid.#and like I dont know what to do.#i tried to fix things and it just made them worse.#and i'm still in so much pain!!!!!!!!#just the funky little cherry on goddamned top.#its almost worse than highschool because at least then I didnt know what i was missing yet. and i didnt hurt all the time.#i could sleep for a day straight.#what is the point of getting up each day#being in more pain#and not able to find anything fun.#and being just a massive wet blanket to all my friends. for zero reason.#and then it just isolates me further.#and how stupid and petty and self fucking pitying it all is. like either get over it#have a massive spiral and get ACTUALLY in a dangerous situation#or just continue to sit and feel miserable for no reason and with no resolution.#like im not good at my job right now#im barely keeping my head above water.#like im so fucking done.#i dont know what to do or where to turn.#and im terrified that im going to fully dislocate my spine and be paralyzed.#it should not be floppy!!! it should not look like a patient with whiplash!#there is nothing to prevent it from moving out of place#so i just go about my life and hope that looking over my shoulder doesnt send me to the hospital.
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