#i might have to kill someone bc what the fuck
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Text
halfway through the first episode of season 4 of tua and i came on here to see how people feel about it…. yeah i don’t think i’m gonna finish the show
#i was actually really enjoying it#but if the spoilers are true#i might have to kill someone bc what the fuck#WHAT THE FUCK#this was one of my favorite shows and this is what they do????#tua#tua season 4#tua s4 spoilers#the umbrella academy#the umbrella academy spoilers#like there were so many unanswered questions and new ideas i was excited for them to explore#and then what? lila cheats on diego with five and everyone dies unhappy?#that’s what i’m gathering from this
10 notes
·
View notes
Text
just having a normal one thinking about how badly Armand wants to be loved but every time he gets close to it, he self sabotages and ruins it. almost as if. he subconsciously doesn't think he deserves it.
#I'm fine I'm good I'm so normal about him#he does it with EVERY romantic relationship we see him have it's insane#first with lestat and their whole Thing. especially the nicki stuff we haven't seen yet.#then louis. like he lets himself have it and then realizes it's possible for it to work and IMMEDIATELY blows it#by you know. trying to kill him. actually succeeding in killing his daughter.#making sure there's no possible way louis will ever forgive him even as he plots and manipulates to underplay his role in it#they loved each other but armand made sure it would never be in the way he craved the most and then punished himself for it#by strong manning the relationship together with hot glue and stickers even if it was hurting them both#AND THEN with daniel too ffs#DOUBLE of it with daniel if past-devil minion happened too fuck#turning him and then leaving him bc daniel SEES him for who he is and he's not afraid (I mean he is but YOU GET WHAT I MEAN)#possibly erasing his memories of him from the 70's & 80's as both a fucked up attempt to keep daniel alive#(which tbf it works but is STILL a fucked up thing to do)#and to get himself out of a situation in which someone finally started to love him unconditionally the way he wants so badly#but he can't let himself have that can he#I AM SO NORMAL ABOUT THE VAMPIRE ARMAND GUYS#I might be wrong idk I have yet to rewatch s2 but#BUT IT HURTS ANYWAY DONT IT#iwtv#armand#iwtv amc#the vampire armand#interview with the vampire#iwtv s2#armandposting#robin going insane about armand again#iwtv armand
43 notes
·
View notes
Text
seeing a post that gets some things right (interesting complex john thoughts) but other parts dead wrong (bad dean takes) has me like *eye twitch*
#reducing a complicated plot to dean hates all monsters and thinks every monster needs to be killed is um. first of all not even canon#do i need to bring out all the posts abt dean's monster ethics and how he thinks a monster is someone who hurts / kills innocent ppl#and that definition includes humans who do monstrous things too (a theme explored in multiple episodes in s1 !!!!)#but anyways. no he did not think jack should be killed bc he was ~not human~ he thought jack was a Dangerous supernatural being#since ya know. he Was. literally thee most powerful being after god / amara. and they had no idea what he might do. he was not their Baby#or their Kid yet. he was a stranger. a strange new supernatural being that they might have to stop.#s12 finale literally leaves off on a cliffhanger positioning jack to potentially be the new 'Big Bad'#so he's a stranger AND the son of lucifer (they had no idea how that would affect jack yet) AND he seemingly brainwashed cas and kelly#bc remember cas was all about Free Will and Choice and Fuck Heaven / Paradise / Peace#and then suddenly he's going against his core beliefs talking abt paradise on earth and jack needing to fulfill his Destiny like ???#i'd be sus af too if i were dean#dean had no reason to trust jack right off the bat. 'oh but he should've trusted him bc cas did' ok and cas is dead now so ??#then there's the soulless jack stuff which is a whole other complicated beast. and dean was not the only one trying to stop jack then eithe#but anyways. no you cannot reduce dean's complex feelings abt jack to simply 'lol dean hates monsters and wants them all dead'#he doesn't. half his family and friends are literally monsters. anyways.#vic.txt
24 notes
·
View notes
Text
not to be another donations post but you may remember how over the summer we had massive amounts of plumbing problems and other unexpected moving costs? well. after proceeding to work every single hour available to me for six months, take no holidays whatsoever, and budget the hell out of every aspect of my life, I was actually on track to pay everything back and maybe have a little bit of wiggle room by the time summer came around!
and then we got a call from the vet about routine labs saying that if we didn't take Suzy in to an emergency specialty hospital immediately, she would die within in a week, she might die anyways if we took her there, but it was our only chance to have a few more months with her. after an extremely difficult household discussion, we decided that we needed to do as much as we could for her. she's been a beloved member of the family for 18 years. we were not going to abandon her in her hour of need.
with two days at the specialty hospital, the prognosis was better than we could have possibly hoped! the most important thing is she does not have heart problems at all, which means that we can treat her chronic kidney disease with normal IV fluids and with careful treatment she could easily be with us for years to come. the timely intervention also may or may not have saved her from acute kidney failure too, we'll know when we go back to the vet on Wednesday to get her blood checked where her levels have stabilized at.
two days at the specialty hospital means we are also down $3652 , and no longer are on track to pay back everything by July when it comes due unless a couple of uncertain things going forward Go Right, I do not trust everything to Go Right, and we're also still uncertain about what long-term treatment going forward is going to cost.
I still have my ko-fi and my patreon, but honestly, I'm aware that everything is tight for everyone always and there are also a lot of causes that need money right now and in the face of that "hey my family went super out on a limb to try to save our cat and would love some help not falling off" feels kind of shallow. but like. not to sound dumb or like a youtuber or podcaster, but, like. honestly I think the Most Helpful Thing that anyone could do for me right now is take a fucking HelloFresh link that will send you a "free" box for cost-of-shipping ($7ish?) if you Sign Up For An Account that you can then cancel Immediately After The Box Has Shipped and Never Give Them Any More Money Than That and get Six To Ten Meals Out Of It, and for getting someone to "sign up", they will give me a free box too. like. if 13 people are willing to take a link then I don't need to worry about food for the next three months. which would be. HUGE.
so I guess.... dm me if you want a link? otherwise expect to see a lot of promotion of my writing/ patreon as I scramble the hell to try to make this money up
#my life#pet sick for tw#donation post#sort of#yes I am aware that Hello Fresh is problematique / union-busting#they are also currently the only easily accessible source of Free Food that we can actually eat/use#honestly if anyone Wants To Help but doesn't really have the $7 for shipping#I will freaking venmo you back the $7 after I get confirmation of account credit#sending someone $7 for $60 of groceries still means you have Gifted Our Household with net $50 of food#at no cost to yourself#I'm not in As Shitty of a place as last summer bc my mother is also deeply emotionally attached to Suzy#and has agreed to spot us in July for a bit of the money if we pay her back in September#it's just!!!! really FUCKING frustrating!!!!!! we had the money saved!!!! I have spent the last six months KILLING myself to have the money#and now we are back to nearly square 1 except with six months instead of twelve months to make up the difference#so. free food would be much appreciated. as that would also mean that no matter what bullshit the next few months throws at us we at least#know that there will be weekly groceries shipped to us#me @ my job give me overtime hours#legit might destroy me again to work a 240hr month a month or two in a row#but three months of THAT would put me in the clear and they've got free coffee and energy drinks at work#however in lieu of my job giving me the ability to Not Practice The Best Self Care in return for Ungodly Amounts Of Money#'hi friends and mutuals can I interest you in a HelloFresh box' is the best I can do#I swear I will never start a youtube channel or start podcasting tho
14 notes
·
View notes
Note
Ok ok ok I'm not Tryna start discourse but bluestars prophecy was my first ever warriors book and bluestar will always be my favourite so I'm gonna make some counterpoints to you about her being a Smajor character
bluestar has always been led by an intense loyalty and dedication to those she loves and cares for - this includes her mum, her sister, her clan, eventually Firepaw when he joins the clan, and she has a VERY strong moral compass when it comes to doing the right thing - when she sees thistleclaw teaching tigerpaw to hurt a then baby scourge she very much discourages it and is against it
Afaik scott is Not like that, he doesn't have an emotional or love-driven moral code, he does things because they're smart decisions in the long term or because he wants to. Granted I havent seen a ton of his stuff but I have seen his limited life and 3rd life perspectives and he is very much a singular team player there, there to look after himself and well if people align with him that's great he's got allies (jimmy and Martyn) but he won't go out of his way to care for them
Bluestars defiance of starclan in the first series is BECAUSE she gave herself to them and what the warrior code demanded so much - yes she broke clan rules by having kids with crookedstar but she did everything in her power to make sure they'd have a happy life and felt terrible that thrushpelt was willing to say they were his to save her reputation. She didn't do it out of a selfish want, she only ever wanted to help her clan and those she loved, and her becoming clan leader is emblematic of that want. When she rejects starclan so wholeheartedly in the first series it's because THINGS KEEP GOING WRONG WHEN SHES TRIED SO HARD TO STOP THEM FROM DOING THAT - starclan has never cared about the sacrifices she made to keep her loved ones and clan safe, she lost her mother, her sister, her kits, her mate, literally everything, and things STILL KEEP GETTING WORSE. it's not a demand that she deserves to have everything good, it's a cry for help that shouldn't something go right after she's tried so hard???
C!Scott isn't like that. He puts himself above others and inherently believes he will get the best if he just plays his cards right, and he is good at it, he's very competent at lasting a long time in life series and getting what he wants - the ruthlessness of gem driven by desperation kills him in secret life, Martyn's complete fucking about face kills him in limited life, and I'm pretty sure it's etho who gets him out in 3rd life by luck. He doesn't plan to look after the ones he cares about, because he cares about himself first and foremost. Yeah you can argue when he doesn't get what he wants he gets annoyed, but his is less of a 'why don't I get this don't I deserve it' and more of a 'oh fuck this didn't work. Ok new plan double down on getting what I want by appeasing to people cos they're easy to read and therefore account for'
I don't doubt Scott would make a bluestar adjacent character if he made a warrior cats oc BUT his character would honestly be closer to darktail or ashfur than bluestar and that's that on that.
(sorry you activated 13 year old me's unskippable cutscene sjdjsjsjja this isnt meant to be a serious argument I just love bluestar a lot and love talking about her)
OKAY 1. this is fucking awesome thank you 2. i am going to do something new and exciting (advocate for scott instead of beating him to death with sticks) because unfortunately this bluestar info has only made me believe she is a smajor character even more.
As a general note when I talk about smajor characters as a collective here I’m referring to characters more in the realm of esmp/traffic/rats/pirates/etc, less vampire scott or necromancer scott who are intended to be villainous.
Scott characters tend to operate under a “If I am not a Good Person I may as well die” rule, and consequently abide by a strict moral code to keep themselves feeling clean. For instance: traffic Scott will never go back on his word, he will avoid dishonesty, and he won’t take from others unless he is sure that he can repay them. He will never betray his seasonal primary ally (even when they betray him first), and will often give people things just because they asked him nicely. He stakes a lot of his own identity on this, because it is through being a “good person” that he justifies his superiority (and, by extension, his own existence); in his mind he deserves the best and *is* the best because he is such a good person. When things don’t go his way, he thinks he doesn’t deserve it because he has been nothing but good, so he tries to place a reason. He often assumes that somebody must “have a vendetta” against him, even if this somebody is the world (see: him asking if limlife episode 1 boogeyman is some kind of joke played on him for not giving in to the boogey curse in Last Life.) which is very Bluestar to me, convinced that her misfortunes are a divine punishment.
This is all to say that Scott does have a strict moral code and deep sense of loyalty. Being a “good person” and devoted partner in the ways he understands it are so ingrained into what he is that I think he definitely has the capacity to be a Bluestar if he were raised being taught clan values, even if his internal systems are often built around never letting gross emotions be fully felt rather than what those emotions compel him to do.
#ive always wanted to partake in pointless character debate on tumblr#considered maintagging this but didnt want people looking at your ask weird. sorry yall we serve fucked up scott here#“But bree” you might ask “what about pearl? He wasnt a very devoted partner then!”#and to that I say: pearl isnt a person to him. and neither is jimmy. Scott fucked up with both of them and unfortunately if he is not good-#and justified 100% of the time he loses his entire identity so convincing himself that they are incompetent or crazy so that he#doesnt have to self reflect is how he gets by. he would literally rather kill himself than earnestly admit fault for anything#… huh. about the above tags I dont remember the lore but is there any parallel there with the whole bright heart thing#genuine question bc I do not remember why blue star did that and I dont trust the wiki#(Trying to space out names so they dont tag)#I really hope this makes sense btw bc I feel like I usually list a lot more examples… but im tired#I can elaborate on any point here if need be ig. I dont talk about this aspect of him often because the literal entire fandom does already#Every scott analysis post out there is about his damn loyalty… anyways yeah scotts loyalty is transactional more often than emotional but#It’s still loyalty and also. hard to draw the line between where the emotions stop sometimes because he can stop giving a fuck about—#most things on a whim. How much scott genuinely cares about something is a forever undefinable concept#asks#he is genuinely a very good ally to have usually. like jimmy was very much the exception there#he does like helping people out he does. he’s just also emotionally detached so he tallies his favors and good deeds to bring up later if—#someone he’s helped decides to go against him. If that makes sense#sorry man I just keep talking. I love this blue animal…….#thanks for the ask genuinely I love when paragraphs about characters#anyways im gonna pass out and. Shakes myself STOP ADDING MORE TAGSSS i think im so tired man
11 notes
·
View notes
Text
:)
#LETSGOOO MOMOOOOOOOOOOOOO#luffy grabbing lightning bolts... nami youve got competition....#kaido saying roger and oden didnt have devil fruits and how you cant conquer the world with one... well they are also dead. rip bozos#NOOOO HIYORIIIIIII SOMEONE KILL THIS MAN!!!!#JESUS CHRIST THAT PUNCH!!! onigashima is on the way. move it. he is too used to zoro....#talking tag#watching one piece#episode 1074#the new opening is cute... wish the different scenes could be longer bc i have been sotpping to see them well akdhaks#can someone PLEASE help hiyori..... there are too many people just chilling DENJIRO!!!!!! FUCK YES!!!! but now pleaseeee finish him off...#omg the ballon ajdksjjs wish fullfilled!!!! YEAAHHH MOMOOOOOO#the samurais praying to luffy.... do i even need to make a post about luffy as a god now.... it's just like plain obvious and not bc of nik#episode 1075#kaido lore??? did he betray rocks pirates??? the fucking witch again??? how tf did she orchestrate all this.#she started how the value of someone is determined by war. which considering this is a shonen and strength is everything... i appreciate it#which might be why kaido is such a good antagonist to luffy. he wants people to live as slaves to make weapons and create wars#the strong ones get to be soldiers and act out that war. and kaido enjoys fighting also.... luffy on the other hand sees people for what#they are and the freedom they should have and he will beat kaido by not engaging in his style of fighting to be the strongest but by being#the silliest. literally. its just too good.#<- official analysis for now i guess#oh jesus..... LETSGOOO MOMOOOOOO omg luffy can see the wishes..... FUCK YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH#luffy wishing for a world where his friends get to eat whatever they want.... oof..... tama.....#i have realised before the timeskip i cried bc situations were sad but ever since fishman island i have teared up bc of happiness....#like at the end of fishman island and now... wait except wci but that was a drama so one exception#episode 1076
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
Honestly what I now desperately need is Stolas talking to Asmodeus and/or Fizzie and as a result making Stolas take a good hard look at how he himself has treated Blitzø and every other imp he’s ever dealt with
#helluva boss spoilers#//Bc Blitzø had his realization now and has resolved to change; so that’s good#//Its a start#//But Stolas fucked up too by not realizing how much his status DOES have a lot to do with why their relationship is as it was#//Stols might see them as ‘equals’ but Blitzø doesnt & in a way rlly can’t AFFORD to either; the easy he sees it#//Bc someone like Stolas can discard or have him killed Easy; and no one would bat an eye#//He wouldn’t; but it makes SENSE why Blitzø felt compelled to play along at the start for instance#//And Stolas does tend to baby/condescend Blitzø and co; and crosses Blitzø’s own boundaries several times in s1 too#//And that’s without mentioning the imp butler’s treatment or the reaction Stols had to Ozzie’s ‘teasing’#//Bc there is NO way Blitzø did not read that as Stolas being ashamed; no matter how Stolas insists he isn’t/wasn’t of being w Blitzø#//tldr; Stolas self-reflection time W H E N ndnfnnf#//I am v content with Stolas’ development in learning to asset his boundaries esp with Blitzø#//AND him getting a taste of another doting in him and treating him nice; bc all he’s had are two differing toxic relationships#//But yeah; if Stol.itz is to work; Stolas needs to check himself first too#//Blitzø can’t do all the heavy lifting to make things right; bc he isn’t the only one at fault in what they have/had#//Anywho that’s my two cents lol
6 notes
·
View notes
Text
I alluded to this in tags awhile ago but like. IK continuity doesn’t work this way and when things shifted from kooky and silly 40s stuff with psas scattered to like dark brooding whatever we’re supposed to take it as like either time passing with some hand waving to personalities or ‘it was always like this for them trust’ but thinking about dick specifically going from holy galloping grasshoppers Batman to dealing with Bruce in spyral and shit is so so so sad I can’t articulate it well rn but like everyone kinda agrees the shift happened after two face and jason but like no dick saw it all he saw it while it happened he saw Bruce taking tim to baseball games and then gaslighting him at 16 he saw the man who’d take care of a random baby on the fly threaten to send his youngest son back to the league he saw the man who helped usher in a new era of young heroes treat Steph like shit he saw the man who inspired hope for a future in civilians heroes and enemies alike take advantage of cass’ suicidal thoughts and separation from her own humanity he saw everything and he just has to. Deal. To everyone else this is just Bruce and ppl like Tim and cass justify it to an extent bc they love him and get exasperated and when Dick is angry but how couldn’t Dick be angry? That’s his dad and he’s being so fucking mean and idk I’m rambling
#i promise this is better thought out on the daily Im so so tired rn autocorrect is saving me#and It’s like the lighthearted era of the 40s smacking someone across the face into shit like throwing him into Jason’s memorial#like It’s not even whiplash bc it’s always happened it’s just. aaruhdsjak#and this is why I hate the entire thing where Bruce does nothing and it’s ALL terrible writing like#they had Superman doing corporal punishment bro idk#and not saying that’s good or necessary today I’m just saying unfortunately for Bruce Stans literally everyone is shaped by his behavior#It’s why they’re so fucked to eachother too#like the reason perfect dad bruce who’s only issue is miscommunication is annoying bc u#sets up every following issue tk ve of the same vein#he and Jason DONT have genuine morality clashes that usually end up violent and beLetha#near lethal bc they’re both secure in their own righteousness#It’s ‘they need to talk and Jason needs to call alfie and gl#go to Sunday brunch and Bruce needs to be okay with killing the really really bad ppl :(‘#like no bro sorry they’re not as wishy washy as u 🙄#that’s a joke#Im not saying bruxe should hit his kids I’m just saying when he does it’s not automatically the writer doesn’t know him#they might know him all too well actually#also it’s just the way it’s framed for me sorry I think Conflict is interesting#so bruce growing up (at 60 lmao) and dick just having to deal with it is sooo#like idk IK dc is trying to happy family Damian and Bruce rn but to me Bruce DID get somewhat better but Damian can’t ades#address tough shit without feeling luke he’s dragging it and rlly he should be grateful they’re turning a blind eye tk his mistakes so he#goes along with it#pretend the soulless ‘i hate you bc I’m insecure and secretly think ur my favorite Drake!’ is actually#‘i know the role I need to play in order to keep things smooth and if u#i talk to any of you genuinely I’ll explode and also you’ll hate me and also I think I’ll hate you I think I already do so’#that’s my coping#and thats for me personally like this entire post Is how I personally like to see it#i like happy go lucky batfam in microdoses except WFA y will not be forgiven for what u did to Duke#also for the og post I have a whole thing about how Bruce’s attempt to separate the man and the mask causes him to do crazy shit to his kids#but diff time THATS just how I get my middle between incorrect quotes bruce and dudebro bruce tbh
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
siiiiiiigh
#i am in fact a grown adult who is still incapable of talking about their feelings and thoughts to people so I'll just rant here#my relationship with my mother is. so weird. it's not always bad but it always ends up bad for one reason or another#she can be perfectly civil and i'll still be irritated. other times i do try to tolerate it and engage and she ends up saying something#upsetting to me either way.#i don't want to keep being rude to her i don't want to get mad and annoyed all the time but i just can't stop. it's always like this#and i hate myself for it and i hate her and i hate everything about it#today i was leaving for work and she was like. i'll take the trash out of your room and i told her not to do it. she kept insisting and i#had to raise my voice at her to maybe get the point across to get her not to touch anything#and yes my room is a fucking mess and it is something to be embarrassed of. i just feel so fucking tired all time time and i keep tellin#myself that i will clean it this time for sure and then i don't. most of the time it's my mother taking care of it without my permission#and i am grateful for it bc nobody likes living in a mess... but i also fucking hate it because it makes me feel even more worthless#i just can't get rid of the feeling of shame. no matter what i do.#and back to the mother thing. i told her that if she touches anything i will go to her room and throw out anything that isn't nailed down#even though objectively i have no reason to oppose her helping me#but i also fucking hate it#maybe being rude is the only way to get it across. but also i get irritated about anything so easily#i feel shittier and shittier every day. had there been an easy and painless way of killing myself i would have done it already#and despite how much i want to blame this on a disorder or lack of access to medication. there is no magic pill that would fix me is there#i'm just a shitty person who cannot get it together despite everything being handed to me#i'm literally bad at anything and everything. i'm not even a good blogger lmao#people have it much worse in life and still do better. me? i'm useless. there's no helping it. i should have died from covid or something#nobody will save me. nobody cares enough. besides one person whom i push away because i can't stand her and i don't even know why 👍#if i stop messaging people first most of them would forget about me#i am alone. a lonely person in a messy room desperately trying to be entertaining so someone will pay a little bit of attention to me.#not to mention the geopolitics#i won't even go there. i hate the possibility that people might see it mentioned and give me shit for it#one more thing that is apparently my fault. directly or indirectly#all i want is to leave this country. spend the day with someone who cares for me like an actual friend. and then shoot myself so i don't#have to go back#sealene.txt
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
Trying to explain to someone why I, someone with a uterus, deserves basic human rights when all they focus on is pissing on the poor.
#the woman hate is WILD#like...#you REALLY want me to support someone who said 'just grab her by the pussy'?#in regards to controlling a woman?#as opposed to all the fighting women need to do just to have wage equality#Women suffer at the hands of doctors because our pain isn't taken seriously#women have died of treatable illnesses bc we were ignored on the basis of being even 20Ibs overweight#we have to fight against hypothetical husbands just so we can take agency over our own bodies#im afraid to ask for a hysterectomy bc Im worried about exhausting myself from begging#i dont need a uterus#i do not use it#it serves no purpose#but 'what about your future husband?'#IM FUCKING SINGLE AND NOBODY FUCKING WANTS ME#I DO NOT KNOW WHY NO ONE WANTS ME BUT THEY DONT#considering my dating track record I do not believe I will get a husband#and I will not hold out for this pretend husband#for all I know... my uterus might be trying to kill me... I just dont know bc its hard to figure it out#especially when i forget to schedule appointments#fuck donald trump#fuck republicans#fuck america#fuck misogynists#fuck everything#im tired
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
...
#i spend so mad god damn time bitching on this website. its bc i dont talk to ppl. whens the last time i had a non functional conversation?#uuuuhhh last weekend or maybe the weekend before that? so like i gotta complain somewhere. so if i stop complaining u can assume i made#friends lmao. ugh. its just. im worried. im worried abt how this semester is gonna go. how this phd program is gonna go#bc i spent the last 2 years destroying myself. realized ive gotta stop doing that. haven't figured out how to stop and now im gonna triple#the amount of pressure im under while trying to do things in a more healthy way. its just like. it objectively doesnt seem like a formula#for good things to happen. im more worried for how catastrophic its gonna b on my brain than i am abt the things i think most ppl would b#concerned abt. like im not worried abt planning and executing a project or teaching beyond fear of the unknown#its like. ive done these things before. theyre difficult but u make due and tackle the problems. but when it comes to: how to maintain a#healthy school/life balance? i dont even kno where to start with that. i just dont bc when u have a learning disability things just take#more time but like how much time is too much? where does it end? i dont kno how to manage it and i dont wanna hate my project by the end#of this. i want to b excited and not paralyzed bc im afraid i cant change my behavior and its gonna kill me#and im worried bc im meeting with my advisor for the 1st time since march before i agreed to join thr lab and have i prepared for this#project which is almost complete unrelated to what i did in my last lab? no bc ive been managing data and im still not done managing data#bc i cant focus bc i collected that data in a way that was actively self destructive. and i mean i kno itll b fine. thr guy seems nice i#just hate that im showing up devoid of enthusiasm bc its all been drowned out by the fear. and thats also gonna make teaching a problem#bc its hard to b excited abt things when there's a hole in your chest and ur desperate for someone to tell u how to fix it. but idk helping#ppl does usually make me feel better so maybe itll b a good thing. forgot how much i feel like im dying when i sit in meetings and#classroom tho lol. god its been 2yrs since i was a student. classes feel like such bullshit now. and yet if i dont get all As i might die#my students better b good. i have the 1st lab section bc thr lead ta couldnt do that time. so im the trial lab and i start fucking Monday#who tf does labs the 1st week of class? ugh. also its an intro bio so like 2/3 of thr class r freshman. lil bby 18yos and some r non bio#majors. and ive been warned that sometimes there r problems with ppl who don't believe in evolution and cause problems. pls let my classes#b good. im not that worried. its just gonna b annoying as fuck. im not good at being authoritative#ugh. i should b reading papers so i dont look like too much of an idiot tomorrow. itll b fine im just an anxious freak. a lil over a week#until i can try to find a therapist. probably seek medication bc i dont kno how else to stop this bullshit. annoying. i grew up with a dad#who gets anxious abt the idea of taking too much medication when he tskes a single ibuprofen. in this household we feel pain and then we#die miserable. this is all his fault. we have the same brain.im just a lil more irradidic than him#its so funny i say that bc im like the least irradic person ever. i do the same things every god damn day. im just irradic in terms of#sometimes i feel like my brain is on fire and im a cry bby lol#whatever. enough bitching. ive got papers to read. or maybe ill just go to bed and read them tomorrow 🙄#unrelated
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
grandma's real bad for my 'don't anger yourself into further digestive disorders' goal
#was on a call and basically said she thinks that they should bring back 6 months military training#'some men just need to get more serious/disciplined... I mean they need to be prepared to defend their country#am i supposed to? I mean women?'#I would rather for the rest of eternity have unserious and even borderline immature men than#Make a single person go through the abusive brainwashing that is military training#That they might come outof with even an inkling of thinking it's okay to kill someone#They're apparently conscripting again??? If that's what they call it#Coming to your house and asking about sons and whatever#First time saying it but thank fuck brother is abroad in america#And uncle and cousin live in germany#Uncle did that bcs it was obligatory then and he came back so... Out of it ig is the word#that he married the first woman he found that's like p cruel just to get tf away from my grandparents#And he moved like 16 hours away and never came back except on holidays#Also they're fucking 50+??? Leave them the fuck alone lol#Just. So mad so mad so mad how brainwashed is this country they think this is ok#And more likely than not what the army the president is arming 'but doesn't threaten anyone!' is planning for#Is further ethnically cleansing ppl who rightfully hate our guts#Just horrified and furious all around
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
being friends with byan is so weird bc they say they want you to have the balls to be bluntly honest with them, but then the very moment you're honest about something they don't like, they're peacing out, all "lmao ok friendship ended byeeeee"
#honesty is great until you're addressing their insecurities or anything they're currently in denial over#they have a... weird relationship with honesty lmao#they'll be harshly honest about almost anything and not pull a single damn punch#they will tell you easily that their biological mother didn't want them and that they've lived on the street#they'll tell you that they haven't had a foster home last more than 10 months & that one of their foster parents almost killed them#but they won't tell you about the misery these events caused & how its shaped them as a person#and then there's the way they can dish it but can't take it#they'll tell you to your face everything that's wrong with you (in their opinion)#but the moment you do the same back.... lmao fuck you what the hell kinda bullshit#they're so SO sensitive. so much more so than they let on. and they don't tolerate being called on their shit well.#but I think part of that is bc they spent a lot of their life being belittled rather than built up#and they ended up feeling like every time they were abandoned it was bc of their flaws#so if ur pointing them out........ it's only a matter of time before ur leaving too. so they better leave first.#but also they just hate being Seen. they hate when someone can see behind their facade.#if someone else can see ur pain that means it's really there or something :)#idk I have way more thoughts about this than I realized when I started typing and now the tags are gonna be longer than the post oops#might....... have to make a note to get into all this in a more in depth headcanon at some point#━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ OOC ⋮ DON’T @ ME.
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
just feel very strange and empty and lost in a way suddenly and trying not to cry and ruin my makeup and just wanting to be held by for a long long time
#misery. happy eid everyone. (said the same way a ex xtian with religous trauma wld say merry xmas. bc im an ex muslim with religous trauma)#but ppl ironically think not instantly dismissing any grievances ppl might have with islam is some fucking how “”rAciSt“”#when in reality all that means is they support white ppl with religious trauma#but leave ppl of colour with religious trauma in the fucking dark to feel guilty abt it#can u tell i hate u guys. next time i see someone act like islam is a perfect religion thats never used to jusitfy anyone im going to kill#whatever. not the point. just miserable and trapped by this stupid ass religon ann u can get mad at me for saying that if u rly wanna#bc that doesnt change the fact that im gonna kill myself at some point in the next 5 yrs bc im trapped in islam#flappy rambles#like i dont want to. but when theres no way out what choice do i have really. whatever man#vent
9 notes
·
View notes
Text
INT - my shitty dorm room
I sit at my desk, staring at my black computer screen. The last episode of Jujutsu Kaisen has just finished.
ME: what... what.. what...... what.... what..... what...... what... what..... what...... wha-
#i literally fucking cant#i think i just broke???#it took me five minutes of staring at a blank screen#me shutting my computer and staring at it for who knows how long#and then finally reopening it to type this post#i might just have to read the manga at this point#bc what the fuck#what the fucking hell was that shit#im going to kill someone#and it may or may not be gege#theres really no way to tell#bc i thought the ending of chainsaw man broke me#but this shit i think literally changed my brain chemistry#like what the fuck#anyway#jujutsu kaisen#yuji itadori#script writing
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
(oh victory. stern talking to frm boss on diminished performance at work prompts local woman to finally book drs appointment and figure out wtf wrong w her <3)
#if only so i can hold up a paper and go please dont fire me. im only lacking the energy bc i havent properly digested food in about 2 months#i thought it was the stress of my abuser staying w my terminally ill mother or the increased work load you guys have been putting on me#but im STARTING to think it might be IBS a food allergy long term lack of nutrients OR. i mean cancer does run in one side of the family so#:'') ive been putting it off bc im scared to find out but. more scared of having to go back to unemployment not w my fucking rent babes#or would a serious diagnosis only INCREASE my odds of being let go bc they cant afford fr my state to worsen and need someone reliable?? aaa#not me hoping i get diagnosed: Deadly Disease Likely To Kill Me In Under A Year so i neednt worry abt anything beyond that limited time span#knowing full well it's wayy more likely to be like. make some minor changes to general life style and youll be fucking fine syndrome. anyway#whats up good morning i otherwise had a great weekend at the bbq and the free music festival. and i do have therapy later tonite
4 notes
·
View notes