#i love my autism and time blindness and executive dysfunction

[pizzacastella]

no drawings today bc due to circumstances of my own doing, i have a lot of backlogs at work

[slow-burn-sally]

I love how people say that ASD and ADHD are "trendy" or "overdiagnosed".

Myself and my one cousin on my mom's side are the only two people in my family who've so far sought diagnosis, but based on what I know of how autism and ADHD show up in me, and on my obsessive study of both disorders for the past year, I can honestly tell you that I believe we are only two of perhaps 12 - 14 more family members who have no idea they're ND.

This does not even take into account the fact that the vast majority of my closest friends report sensory issues, anger problems, impulsive behavior, executive dysfunction, prosopagnosia, time blindness and food sensitivities.

There's so many autistics and ADHDers and AuDHDers out there that fly under the radar because most doctors don't know anything about these disorders. Everyone still thinks they only affect children, or male children. Very few people think it's possible to have ADHD without being a 10 year old white boy. Ditto with autism.

Wake up world. We are legion. We might just band together and take shit over.

[culminada]

I'm asexual! but I barely experience acephobia because my other three alienating traits are like shields that protect me from it 🙃unfortunately I do experience the -phobias people have of the other three things so. yaaay my ability to make friends? not to mention romance? ugh.

first up is that I'm multicultural and belong to a cultural minority. I'm not going to talk about it a whole lot because it's very confusing! Mostly it obstructs my social life from my end, by getting in the way of me feeling like I have anything in common with people - of my culture of origin OR general American culture - so yay.

Second up! The autism! I had to practice for YEARS before I got the hang of interacting with people I didn't know well. And in the meanwhile, no friends for m! Yippee! Stims, special interests (GW2, Trahearne, and fic of the same), executive dysfunction, etc make this Not Any Easier ugh

Dermatillomania, the incessant picking of my own skin! Like I said, red blotchy face isn't very attractive. Sometimes I'll be bleeding and not notice. yaaaaay. not to MENTION. the sheer TIME it takes out of my DAY. how am I supposed to learn the wifely skills of my culture when I?? lose HOURS to dermatillomania and executive dysfunction? (they have a feedback loop on each other.)

So yeah, by the time somebody infiltrates the layers of visual disgust, autistic communication barriers, and cultural differences, they're pretty well screened against something as simple and boring as acephobia. You don't get close to me without being VERY accepting of differences. (or just. yknow. capable of critical thinking and the awareness that people are different lolz.)

(I also tended to be that twelve-year-old who sighed wistfully and said I can't wait to get married, I want to get married ASAP, you know historically people got married at like. 13 right? and so everybody around me was always going OH DEARY YOU SHOULD ABSOLUTELY WAIT... LIKE SIX MORE YEARS IF NOT LONGER which I'm sure my fellow asexuals would have loved to hear, but my alloromantic brain was Very Unhappy about. it has now been 6+ or more years, for the record,)

anyway that's me. I got tired of repressing my aceposting and autism-posting and so on, bc my other blog is a fandom fic blog. btw go check out @skaald-of-the-hearth-fires that's the fifth, unofficial reason I feel alienated. (actually that falls under the autism heading, nevermind) my culture barely does video games. nobody in regular old boring American culture plays my special interest video game either. I find this quite distressing when people ask what I do and I say oh!! I'm a writer! I write fanfic for Guild Wars 2!! oh you haven't heard of that. ok. I'm so normal about that. so I've written the fic to be quite understandable to non-gamers, fandom-blind readers, and brainrotted fans alike :)

[gods-no-longer-tread-here]

we all know that depression can worsen itself through tricking one into believing that there's no point in trying to do basic things like eat, move, or interact with others. we know that ADHD symptoms compound each other all the time, time blindness and executive dysfunction being obvious examples.

I don't think we talk enough about how anxiety disorders make you afraid of Not Being Anxious, though.

as many of my followers know (because I won't shut up about it), I was recently diagnosed with OCD. the first sign of that probably was when I was 17, meeting a new therapist, and said my goal in therapy was to "Not be so scared all the damn time". but the thing is, anxiety disorders are structured to perpetuate themselves, just like most other mental illnesses.

I can't speak on things like personality disorders or the schizophrenia spectrum, but I got mood disorders, and my family is RIFE with ADHD and autism on both sides. I am very well acquainted with the machinations of anxiety. First is the base level, visible stuff: perfectionism, irritability, possessiveness and favoritism, self-doubt. Then there's the stuff you might discuss with a therapist or close friend: crippling self-loathing, fear that everyone hates you or will hate you, the certainty that you do not deserve help. And then there's the core of anxiety: who are you if you aren't scared anymore?

What happens if you stop preparing for the worst case scenario? If you stop carrying a full first-aid kit every time you so much as go to the grocery store? If you don't follow your rituals, that are so quirky and cute to outsiders and deeply irritating to your closest loved ones, and keep the world from falling apart around you? If you tune out the prophet in your head warning you that your friends are angry at you? If you let yourself have hope that you'll be rewarded, or at least not punished?

What's underneath your fear? What's under these intricate layers of doubt and shame and paranoia and self-hatred? Nothing. If you are not anxious, you are not You, and therefore you are nothing.

This is not unique to anxiety disorders. But I don't think enough people realize that it's so deeply part of anxiety disorders, too. We've heard of Tortured Artists refusing help because they're worried their art will be less meaningful, but have we heard of the Irritable Workaholic who refuses to slow down because they're terrified they will simply stop being useful or productive? Have we talked about the Burnt Out Child who doesn't dare tell anyone that they're broken by the age of twelve, because they're scared of being punished for struggling? Have we met the Doormat Friend who will do anything to appease or help because if they can't Give, then everyone will Leave, and they will be Alone?

Anxiety disorders get downplayed too much. They can fucking ruin you and your sense of self. I wish we had room to discuss anxiety.

[lotties-ashwagandha]

hello

I heard that you are receiving requests, So, I wanted to see if you could make a Reader x Misty Fanfic.

You know, a reunion between Reader and Misty, after Michael frees her; full of fluff and happy tears, please 🌈

i love this request sooo much misty is one of my fav characters ever <3 asexual autistic goddess

-

CRY FOR THE NIGHTBIRD

pairing: misty day x reader

word count: 1004

notes and warnings: idk death? sorry this took forever i literally have no excuses except for executive dysfunction lol we love autism. title from “nightbird” by stevie nicks bc misty deserves some stevie after being in hell lol

taglist (if you’d like to be added or taken off, let me know!): @cordeliass @traumatisedfangirl @devriesgoode

You woke again in an empty bed. 

Once again, you reached for her, and she was not there. It had been years since she had last been beside you, yet she had carved herself gently into your soul, and her memory would never leave you. 

It would have been easier if you’d gotten stuck instead – maybe you had, for living without Misty was its own hell. 

It was useless to say that if you could take away her pain in a moment, you would, for such a sacrifice would not show even half of the love you had for her. 

 You forced your eyes open, blinded by the light sneaking through the protection of the curtains. You’d almost forgotten what day it was, though as soon as you felt the pain of the brightness stinging your eyes, it came rushing back to you. 

The paralyzing terror, the indescribable rage, all of it came crashing into you. That day Michael Langdon would attempt to execute the Seven Wonders. 

You never wanted to hear any mention of the test ever again – yet there you would be, watching every moment of it unfold, remembering the way you had returned from Hell and Misty had not. 

You could still remember the way she faded in your arms. The weightlessness that took her as ashes overcame her, dissipating into nothingness. 

From that day you had been utterly alone. 

A knock at your door startled you. You looked at the clock on your night table – sure enough, you were late, which was hardly surprising anymore. 

You did not have to open the door to know it was Cordelia waiting for her. She had tried – all of the witches had tried – to fill the absence that Misty’s death had left you with, and you knew they had better intentions than you would ever comprehend, yet all you wished for was solitude. If not Misty, not a soul could reach you. 

Just as you could still see the ashes that were left of her, you could see the peace in her eyes that never left. You could feel her arms around you, the perpetual warmth that carried you through the day left from a single embrace. 

No one could ever compare. 

Her shadow followed you, and you would be cursed with it until your death. 

–

You could hardly pay attention to any of it. The day was going excessively slow yet at the same time was flying by at the speed of light. You had gotten lost in so many memories that you could hardly tell what was real and what had already happened. 

You could see Misty everywhere, in everyone, in everything. In the look Cordelia would give you that silently asked if you were alright, in the witch who had been humming a Fleetwood Mac song on the way to the warlocks’ academy. 

And when Michael Langdon descended into Hell, everything came back in full force. 

You felt her body dissolve in your arms. You felt her leave you once more. 

Again, you were cursed in the empty bed, reaching for someone you would never feel again. 

Her eyes. The gaze you would never again meet. The love you would never again feel. 

Yet then, something shifted – you could not determine what it was, but something had changed dramatically, as if all of a sudden the planet had begun to spin in the opposite direction and you had been flung into space. The entire course of fate had changed, and the change was irrevocable. 

And there she was. Laying in the center of the room, as if this had always been planned, but a glitch in time had delayed her return for years. 

You hardly processed that you ran to her, that your knees would be bruised for weeks from the impact of throwing yourself to the floor to be at her side. 

You only knew that she was there with you once more. Her touch was real, and she radiated the warm energy of the sun. her eyes met yours, as if for the very first time again, and the memory of her would never compare to how it felt to hold her, to be in her presence. 

“Am I…” she asked, clutching your wrist, glancing around carefully. 

You nodded, choking on your words. Tears obscured your vision, tears of a joy you would never describe. “You’re alive,” you promised, “and you’re safe.” 

You embraced her, and the comfort you found in her arms would stay with you for the rest of your life. The safety you had experienced only in memory for longer than you could remember was finally present once more. 

Every fear you had disappeared in that moment. Nothing could separate the two of you anymore. Death had tried its hardest, yet it had failed, and even if the two of you perished in what was to come, you would perish together, in each other’s arms. 

She wiped your tears away. 

She renewed your existence. 

Such a comfort you had never known before. 

– 

That night, in the safety of the academy’s walls, you sighed contentedly as Misty laid almost on top of you, one of her arms draped over your waist. 

“I never stopped thinking of you,” she whispered abruptly. You had been stroking her hair, yet you froze. Misty’s voice was shaky from crying. “Every moment I was stuck there, all I wished for was to be with you.” 

“I would have given anything for you to be with me,” you promised. “I would have traded places with you.” 

“I know… I’m glad you didn’t, though. If you were there, if you had felt that pain, I never would have been able to live with it.” 

You almost started crying again, taking a deep breath to steady yourself. “I love you so much.” 

“I love you, too. More than you know. And I’ll never leave you again. I promise.” 

And the weightlessness you felt was no longer a product of death – it was of hope.

[moogieandadhd]

ADHD Awareness Month Day 4: Reactions to Identification

October 4th, 2021

after i was diagnosed with adhd combined type, i got a lot of mixed reactions. my parents, i think, didn't want to talk about it. and to be honest, i didn't really wanna talk about it with them either. at first it was because i blamed them for all of the years i went undiagnosed and without proper treatment. but now, i don't blame them and that anger has subsided greatly; they're just a bit old school and talking to them about things like adhd, autism, and mental health in general isn't the easiest. they're supportive, but we don't speak about it much.

i told my friends, and some of them made it click. "yeah, that actually makes a lot of sense!". some of my friends were severely uneducated on adhd, but especially the way that it can manifest in women. having to explain that it's more than just not being able to sit still, not being able to focus, losing things, and being late (though that is a quite big chunk of it). it's also executive dysfunction, rejection sensitive dysphoria, sensory issues, having a hundred thoughts all at the same time, time blindness, hyperfocus, object permanence, masking, self-esteem, comorbidity...

adhd effects every single area of my life. sleep? yep, adhd messes with that. eating? oh yeah. relationships? you bet. work and school? obviously. every single area. i wish i could "turn it off", and medication does help immensely, but it will always be there. and it's important to me that my loved ones are supportive, and important to me that i don't let my adhd morph into an ugly, mean thing, and that i can be there for my loved ones too.

[pretty-volatile]

Thursday, November 4, 2021 3:02 am

Lol I haven't posted a journal entry in here since January. Which like to touch up on the situation with my father's wife, still no resolution, but I'm still not happy with her and like whatever I guess. Fuck that. My middle sibling is pan & genderfluid and I'm so happy for them, especially for figuring it out at a much younger age than me which makes me inner child happy too because that's all I want for others, to find themselves. My youngest sibling just got a phone and I adore her as well. They're both like me tbh just at like different stages in my life and I love them so much. Aside from my partner, they're also my reason to keep going because I want a relationship with them that's not just visits, but like they can talk to me whenever about whatever.

But as far as a mental health update: I self diagnosed with autism in like August/September. It started as an advocating for others thing, to finally giving in and realizing that those were some of my own experiences too and I had a little voice in my head about it for a while now, but it wasn't until this year that I really did A LOT of research and self tests and listening to videos and listening to the real life experiences and relating with it a lot to myself.

I still believe I have BPD, but I have cut myself off from people a lot because of the fp/person hyperfixation/social anxiety shit so the most it comes out now is with my partner/at work but I've been working on that and realizing that a lot of it coincides with my autism/ADHD/OCD.

I still think I have bipolar w/ psychosis because even with the meltdowns/shutdowns/burnouts I can still tell that I get manic and I still have to deal coming close to psychosis and my moods still have a sort of cyclical type pattern to them.

I definitely have PTSD/cPTSD. Individual events trauma and then the abuse & masking I've had to endure. Triggers are everywhere, ugh.

I still struggle with my eating disorder. My autism/ADHD really fuck with it though. My interoception is so off.

I most certainly have OCD, but a lot of it overlaps with my autism too.

Oh yeah still have ADHD. Executive dysfunction sucks, time blindness sucks, hyperfixation (at inconvenient times) sucks, etc.

I think it's likely, though not ready to assign the label so to speak, that I could have symptoms of AvPD and DPD. I wouldn't be surprised, there's enough trauma and disabled family history that I could really just be that goofed up. But then some stuff could overlap with the other shit, but honestly all of my disabilities are like knotted together anyway so...

However! On top of discovering that I too have autism, I started paying attention to my gut. Because it started going back to that super stressed out immense pain hurting and realizing that gut issues are a common thing for autistic folx and being like huh. So I started to become more aware of my body and all the pain I was just storing away or something or just ignoring, idk. But I remembered how my anxiety/stress would affect my digestion, but then recently I also noticed how a lot for the symptoms I have...it kind of points to a gluten sensitivity. Possibly even Celiac's. Which really fucking sucks. Because I struggle to eat as it is and now I might have to change my "diet" around to be gluten-free or at least until I can be diagnosed officially at least very little gluten. Yes I know I have to eat my normal amount that I would once they do blood tests. I've also obsessively researched this too. My autism/OCD really coincide when it comes to researching...oh and especially when you sprinkle in some ADHD hyperfixation, oof, off we go, 3 hours later.... Lol. Which I've noticed feeling weak, and I've had a lot of fatigue and joint/muscle pain and headaches, and I've always had skin issues. But I think I may have iron-deficient anemia and I'm probably low on vitamin D since I'm not absorbing nutrients as well. Bruising easily.

I could possibly have POTS, or it could be the anemia. But birth giver has it, so it's possible....

I still think I have endometriosis and my partner pointed out the possibility of PMDD. Birth giver has endo too.

Last but not least, I think it's possible I could have EDS, possible specifically kEDS. While not officially diagnosed, scoliosis has been mentioned by a doctor during a physical and I feel SO much pain in my spine. My knees are fucked up. My shoulders are fucked up, right one has dislocated a few times. My hip pops out of place sometimes. My skin is soft and stretchy, not just loose skin either. My scars do a similar thing that I've seen on others. Sometimes it even feels like my knees give out. I'm double jointed/hyper mobile in my hands, elbows (kinda) and knees. So on and so forth, I'm tired.

But yeah lots of shit. It sucks. I've been overwhelmed/stressed/shutdown/burnt out ever since the quarter started and I haven't been able to attend classes since then with all this pain and gut issues I'm having. Plus the social shit exhausted the ever loving shit out of me.

For the celiac, POTS, and EDS I want to be tested for, which I may consider a formal diagnosis of autism if I'm already doing all that work, idk. It's not as important for me unless it'll help with the other diagnoses.

[flower-queen-of-the-internet]

Masterlist of Dyspraxia/LD Posts

Started: 5/11/20

I made this in celebration of Apraxia Awareness Day (which is May 14th!)

Dyspraxia:

Hair Strategies

What is Dyspraxia?

Why I love being Dyspraxic (Poetry style)

My blog on dyspraxia

Comorbidity

Types of Dyspraxia

Dyspraxia connects to adhd/autism PT1

I reblogged this post soooo many times so enjoy all my answers

Dyspraxia connects to adhd and autism PT1.5

Dyspraxia connects to adhd PT2

Dyspraxia connects adhd PT3

Dyspraxia and Autism PT4 (it’s part of the whole chain)

Dyspraxia connects to adhd PT5

Stimming:

Stim toys

My Stim toys--Day 1

Importance of Stim toys

Normal life with an LD:

Executive Dysfunction

Executive Dysfunction 2

Overthinking

Time Management

Executive Function Strategies

Executive Dysfunction Strategies

Time Blindness

Studying

Shoutout to....Disability-Style

Memory-based Disabilities  

ND -- It’s Okay

Speech Impediments

Invisible Disabilities

ND

New Years Version

[redandfranticfeelings]

okay ive been wanting to make a post like this for a while but i wanted to make it an essay and i dont know if i can really organize my thoughts in that way yet, so here’s a chronological bullet-pointed dump to explain my very important thesis:

be more chill is about internalized ableism, and jeremy, michael, and christine are all highly autistic coded. this is going to be very long and detailed but only because there’s a lot of details that work very well under this lens.

there’s probably even stuff i missed but this is already extremely long so it basically just functions as a way for me to collect a bunch of details that i can piece together later in a more coherent manner.

“more than survive” in the context of jeremy being autistic works so much. the theme of wanting to be just socially acceptable enough to not burn out or be harassed is so relatable, and it visually establishes very early how jeremy is isolated from his peers due to his own awkward behavior and hypersensitivity. it’s coupled with his very obvious anxiety disorder, but the social aspect just screams autistic coding to me. i take this song to basically be “not having a meltdown is basically my goal but i would love to be neurotypical enough so i can heighten my standards and actually enjoy my social life.” some choice segments:

“if i’m not feeling weird or super strange, my life would be in utter disarray, cuz freaking out is my okay”

jeremy’s house being a mess is partly due to his dad’s serious depression, yeah, but i believe the other aspect is that jeremy’s executive dysfunction makes it just as hard to clean up in his place

he gets super anxious at the prospect of his expected routine being shaken up and having to make the decision on his own of how to get to school

“so i follow my own rules and i use them as my tools to stay alive” honestly sounds like a euphemism for autism to me

jeremy not really realizing that he’s staring at chloe

“avoiding any eye contact at all” explains itself

michael’s introduction, oh my god, every time i watch this part i just adore it. i could talk a lot more about michael’s autism later but this whole segment sells it especially.

first off, michael keeping his hood up and headphones on in a deliberate attempt to avoid social interaction and stay in his own space is such an autistic mood. even before this scene he’s constantly moving in the background to his music a la stimming. in the later performances he spends a lot more time playing with his hoodie strings and even chews on them!!

the fact he doesn’t talk to or even really look at jeremy until his song is done playing also feels very autistic to me! and the way he dances so confidently and basically pretends even his best friend isn’t there for the time being because he’s engrossed in his own passions.

michael is a great friend but it’s clear that he doesn’t really understand that his coping mechanism doesn’t really work for jeremy, and that even though michael feels confident reclaiming his identity as a ‘loser,’ jeremy doesn’t really feel any better about it. i think a lot of autistic folks, or at least i do, have this tendency to assume what works for us works for everyone around us at first due to our struggles with empathy. michael tries his best but struggles to see outside his point of view. it’s mind-blindness in action and jeremy can’t communicate why it upsets him any better than michael can pick up on it not working for him.

near the end of the song, they have a brief moment where all the ensemble crowds in around jeremy and the lights start flashing, which i interpret as a visual representation of sensory overload.

we’ll talk more about her soon, but outside of jeremy’s fantasies about her, christine also avoids social interaction during this number, constantly hiding her face in a book and avoiding eye contact just as much as jeremy. people forget that she’s not comfortable with unexpected social interaction, and that really informs my headcanon for her which brings us to....

“i love play rehearsal” is an autistic anthem. it also works, possibly even better due to in-text evidence, as an adhd anthem, but combined with the above it makes so much sense for her to be comorbid autism/adhd. i did a breakdown of the song in this context before, but i’ll sum it up here

the song showcases what having a special interest/hyperfixation is like. christine is singing to jeremy, yes, but she really seems so caught up in her own passion without much regard for how jeremy is following it, and even cuts him off from responding to her once or twice because she’s just so hyped up on her own feelings. she also basically implies her happiness is reliant on her special interest which is very relatable.

lines like “you follow a script so you know what comes next” also really sell the interpretation that christine isn’t good in unpredictable situations, and has so many identity issues and likes having something to look to where things are laid out for her. i think that stability is what a lot of autistic people look for, especially teenagers.

also with that in mind, look at how upset she gets watching a play she loves about get rewritten into something weird and new that she doesn’t know.

also gotta love how she still self-isolates before this song by focusing on her book, until she has a reason to infodump to jeremy. and then feels guilty afterwards and goes right back into her book while apologizing for getting “carried away”....biiiig mood there

the whole intro scene showcases both of their awkwardness so much. jeremy gets completely thrown off by her sarcastic comment about the swim team and almost believes it, which implies that he can’t read tone very well. and then christine’s “you’re a virgin” comment comes across like she really didn’t think about how that would sound to jeremy before saying it since she only made the clarification after he was ready to panic about it. she has a habit of speaking before she thinks, i think, the self-harm comment is also very awkward considering she barely knows jeremy.

after that scene we get “more than survive reprise” where jeremy admits to routinely having such bad breakdowns that he needs to step out and go to the nurse which works for both the anxiety disorder and the autism interpretation.

i’m not quite sure whether i see rich as autistic (i see him with a lot of mental issues for sure though) so i can’t say much on “the squip song” but there’s definitely something to describing a confused autistic kid as “almost helpless.” rich definitely has a habit of giving too much information though, i’ll say that.

“two player game” is just jeremy and michael being autistic solidarity: the song. i guess this is a good place to say that jeremy and michael work well as a contrast b/w two sides of autistic community, the side that struggles to function and desperately wants a change bc they’re afraid of being alone forever, and the side that tries to love all their symptoms and embrace their autistic pride. and as coincidental icing on the cake, jeremy wears blue (associated with the derogatory views from autism speaks) and michael wears red (associated with combating said views through autistic pride).

btw you could probably attribute michael’s ability to casually down a long-expired crystal pepsi as a sort of weird sensory quirk. and his fixation w/ that sort of memorabilia honestly feels like a special interest in its own right!

both “nice sideburns....wolverine, right” and “like in x-men????” using fiction as a reference point for real life always gives me autistic vibes (esp the first point where he awkwardly uses it to start conversation). can we assume x-men is a special interest? :3

jake referring to jeremy as a ‘freak’ when the squip turns on is really sad in this context but it also does make so much sense

now we get to the squip.....and what do you know, it uses tactics from abusive therapy used on autistic children. dare i say that “be more chill” as a song isn’t just an abuser’s song, but an ableist’s abuser’s song.

first off, the “spinal stimulation.” here’s a not so fun fact: electroshock therapy has been used to discourage autistic behavior in very recent years. (content warning in link for graphic description of ableist torture)

then the lyrics, in which the squip mostly focuses on jeremy’s posture and physically punishes him for disobeying. jeremy is shown to really struggle to stand up straight and pose himself in a normal, confident way, and i think that tendency to be unaware of what our body is doing is a pretty autistic thing?

the fact the squip singles out stammering and refers to jeremy’s “tics and fidgets” brings attention to two more autistic traits of jeremy’s

the squip basically punishes jeremy for responding “incorrectly” to social situations like rejecting brooke, even if they aren’t objectively wrong. it eventually just starts speaking for jeremy because jeremy seems incapable of acting natural. the squip is an abusive autism parent.

“sync up” demonstrates jeremy’s weird relationship with empathy. he wants to be nice to everyone- will has even called him “deeply empathetic”- but he’s initially really bad at seeing other people’s point of view, which is why he positions himself as sort of against the world, seeing everyone as better than him or trying to set up these barriers of Coolness where everyone else must be perfect compared to him. he’s so surprised to learn that the popular kids also hurt because of his strict idea of the social structure. it’s a combination of low self esteem and a black-and-white viewpoint.

let’s go back to christine. the squip, already established as ableist abuser, finds her “highly unusual” for acting in a way that disregards everyone who views her. she has very strange and specific visions in her head, and it seems very natural for her even if jeremy struggles to follow along.

in later performances, she chews on her sleeve and spins around during AGTIKBI. that’s stimming, babes. also gotta acknowledge “i don’t always relate to other people my age, except when i’m on the stage”

i’m gonna use this section to talk about jake and christine. christineis a bit unsure when interacting with jake, until he validates her interest- her acting is what really touches him. but jake, while good-hearted, has trouble being self-centered and thus not fully aware of christine’s own needs and space. so christine is always a little uncomfortable around him, especially in public, and not always willing to socialize. he is right about her being kind of stuck in her comfort zone, though, not doing anything off of her stage. and he is genuinely nice to her, it’s just a matter of their social strategies clashing.

the fact that the squip blocks out michael...i’ve had a lot of times in my life where i was told that socializing with other “weird” people would be counterproductive for my social development and it was part of why i was stuck with so few friends. so i really feel the idea that blocking out the person who helps you feel confident in your atypicality is framed as a good thing so you can act more socially adept, and that doing otherwise would just drag you both down.

hot DAMN does “loser geek whatever” make so much sense for an autistic kid with internalized ableism.

“it’s not only school that’s rough, being lonely’s stupid tough” makes it pretty clear this isn’t about the school social scene as muc as it is the entire social scene of the world. we may not see it, but it’s just (not) interacting with people in general that jeremy can’t stand.

“michael says that weird is rad but feeling weird just makes me sad” as stated above, makes a Lot More Sense with the idea that michael is both a more confident autistic and really bad at addressing jeremy’s own internalized ableism and desire to make connections outside his small friend group.

everything about jeremy boiling down all his problems to his “instincts” sucking and needing to basically be told what to do really highlights how autistic kids can feel broken because of their inability to fit into the social norm, to the point where we repress every behavior that actually makes us feel comfortable and unique. 

not to mention the line about him being seen as a “normal handsome guy” since autistic people tend to be infantilized and never seen as desirable (will roland also implied this line has trans coding which is another discussion altogether but i feel i should acknowledge that here)

all of those terms that jeremy calls himself near the end- namely weirdo, misfit, oddball, freak, failure- all of this sounds like the shit people throw at autistic kids. like this goes beyond anxiety alone, this is jeremy being outcasted and oppressed by the general public due to his behavior. especially the “please don’t speak” part, considering how often autistic kids are mocked for misunderstanding when to speak, how to speak, and what to talk about. jeremy needs some freaking love. :(

“michael in the bathroom” is a panic attack, related to severe anxiety, but i do see a lot of aspects that play into autism as well. the little nervous stimmy movements of foot-bouncing and picking at grout, the explosive sensory overload during the “knock knock” section of the bridge, the whole concept of losing the only person you ever managed to connect to without sacrificing who you are, dealing with this massive change to your sense of philosophy and reality where you pinned everything on one person to ground yourself, and thus you’re now completely lost trying to isolate yourself from this big overwhelming social gathering...neurodivergent anthem all around.

jeremy and christine’s couch interactions during halloween give me such autistic positivity. christine basically echolales jeremy’s weird noise and they both have so much fun vocal stimming that they forget there’s another person in the room. it’s such a sweet moment until jeremy ruins it by realizing that asking her out right after a breakup is Not Really Good For Her.

christine’s reaction to the fire demonstrates a clear case of hyperempathy to me. it isn’t discussed as much as a complete lack of empathy, but autistic folks are prone to feeling way too much especially when it comes to others’ pain. christine talking about how she hates that everyone’s hurting and desperately wants to help but doesn’t know how, and how we’ve already seen how much she struggles to connect with others like jake....it’s a very relatable, very specific autistic mood.

going back to the theme of jeremy and empathy, christine’s above hyperempathy kind of breaks this mold, and while jeremy always does feel for the other kids, by this point he feels so strongly- particularly for christine, who he also saw as a perfect confident being until now- that the squip can manipulate him into “fixing” everyone the same way the squip was supposed to “fix” him. and he never considers that christine doesn’t need to be fixed because he just projects his own insecurity that strongly onto everyone else who seems “weird” in the same kind of way- hence why he assumes michael is jealous of him back in MITB. it’s likely a result of the squip’s manipulation but i feel like mind-blindness is a factor, even if jeremy switches between struggling to process others’ emotions and being extremely empathetic.

michael’s special interest saves the day!!! :D

the whole fight b/w jeremy and michael, assuming it comes from a genuine place of repressed bitterness, has a lot of added subtext with them both being autistic. jeremy accusing michael of “giving up” on social interaction, michael envies jeremy for trying bc michael is clearly Not comfortable in most large social settings, jeremy envies michael for his pride, it just hits home for me i guess

rich calling michael “antisocial headphones kid” honestly how is michael not canon autistic

in the off-bway version michael briefly speaks too loud forgetting that jeremy’s head still hurts which is a relatable Forgot About Boundaries thing. plus him smacking rich playfully forgetting that rich is Still In Pain

“voices in my head” works nice as a fuck-societal-norms-and-just-be-happy song. “embrace the traits that make you so odd” in particular :’)

jeremy remembering christine’s infodump about her obscure bowling alley performance art idea and bringing it up to her again!!!

the squip doesn’t go away because ableism and the anxiety it brings and all the upsetting symptoms of autism don’t go away, but with the right support and confidence you can live with them!!! good message for mental disorders in general and works very well in this context!!!

so in conclusion.....be more chill is autistic pride!!!

[themineknight]

I’m seriously pissed

If you feel like Neurodivergent people should give up their special interests, and learn “coping mechanisms” that make it so you don’t have to deal with the symptoms of their particular neurodivergence? Get the hell off my blog right the hell now.

People with Autism shouldn’t have to take your criticism over just how excited they get about their special interests. People with ADHD shouldn’t have to adjust their energy levels to suit your comforts. People learn how to deal with their symptoms in ways many could never envision because they don’t see the world as we do. They don’t experience things as intensely as we do. They don’t have to deal with the constant overstimulations, executive dysfunction, time blindness, whatever.

We’re not built to deal with most “normal” sensibilities. We don’t always have the capacity to curb our enthusiasm when something is literally the most exciting thing in the world to us right now.

Yeah, I know I’m speaking in general... but I’m sick, tired, and outraged that people think it’s OK to tell ME how I need to deal with MY neurodivergence and needs to suit THEIR fucking sensibilities and comfort. I have it hard enough to just be MYSELF 95% of the damn time. So please, for the love of all that is good in the world, please stop telling me who I should be for you... I really just want to be myself.

[adhdbuzz]

(Quick note - I have copied this over from my main blog - this is my content...)

ADHD, Neurodivergence, Identity…

I want to start blogging about some of my experiences with mental illness and neurodivergence. Two words, that before this year, I would never of used in relation to myself.

One of the most fascinating and somewhat crippling aspects of learning you are neurodivergent, is becoming so hyperaware of your thoughts, actions, personality, wondering what’s you and what’s your diagnosis, (or what you are imagining/projecting because of your diagnosis). I likely drive my friends mad talking or joking about it, but it’s hard to articulate the complete upheaval that learning this about yourself creates. Suddenly your entire history and personhood is re-defined. You have to change your narrative. I spent most of my teenagehood and childhood feeling removed/estranged from the people and world around me. More than feeling an ‘outcast,’ I felt myself an alien. I believed (and felt that others believed), that I was incredibly lazy and did not have the drive to puruse my passions and potential. This left such a hole in my heart and self-confidence. Imagine that you have this great love for something - or many things, but can’t even motivate yourself to take one single step toward it. You lose interest in every hobby you’ve ever taken up and you don’t understand why you can’t just do the thing. It seems easy for everyone else? What am I missing? So you compensate. Suddenly (and very briefly), you are really into note-taking and study blogs and watching countless hours of videos on how to get organised and ‘change your life’ and you imagine what kind of person you could become.  Or you start every new year or semester with the goal to just stay on top of things, just remember, just write it down - everyone else does it? Why can’t you? Inevitably, that falls away.

What happens when you can’t maintain this? When suddenly those three assignments are due, you’ve dropped out of your class/hobby, you’ve missed another opportunity, avoided another goal and heard another person tell you, ‘you just need to get organised…’ ‘ you’ve got so much potential, you just need to apply yourself!’ “I don’t understand how you forgot/didn’t do the thing/didn’t write it down!”

I don’t think I can ever effectively describe the impact that this has had on me. There is something so devastating in not understanding there is something different about your brain during the really sensitive, formative years of your life. Because you end up spending so much time trying to work out why you are not like everyone else, why you struggle with things that most people find easy, why it is a constant battle to stay afloat, to have people angry with you/criticising you for something that you both feel should be in your control, but neurologically isn’t.  

ADHD is so severly misunderstood. It’s invisible and it is crippling. The image of the little boy in class who can’t sit still or stop talking is such a prevalent and damaging stereotype. Before I got my diagnosis and before I even had looked into ADHD, I spent hours researching what could be wrong with me and doing online ‘tests’. These ranged from anxiety, to depression, Bipolar, PMDD and Personality Disorders, (strangely enough, ADHD often exists alongside other mental illnesses and I was diagnosed with co-morbidities…) But I think this gives a degree of context to what undiagnosed ADHD feels like, because it’s not someone who wont shut up, or sit still. To me it feels like everyone else got a manual on how to be a person and I didn’t. Often times, it’s the depressed, anxious, struggling teenager or young adult, who feels so inadequate, who feels like an alien, who can’t even trust their own passions or interests. Who is in a constant battle to meet the expectations of themselves and those around them. Who’s socially awkward or uncomfortable, who’s disocciated, who can’t follow a conversation, or instructions, who suffers in loud spaces, who struggles with small talk, strangers, shopping centres, keeping themselves and their space clean, uni work, school work, chores, family, friendships, relationships, their identity, their passions, there interests, their personality, regualating their emotions

ADHD is so exhausting, because it’s a constant battle to just meet the base line. Every thing you do from the moment you get up, til the moment you are asleep (and even then) is impacted by it.

Say you have an assignment, and a couple of chores to do on one day. Not a big deal right? Ok so you set an alarm for 8am, except your brain didn’t turn off until 4am the night before, so you get up at mid day, you go to put the washing in, but you forgot to turn on yesterdays load, so you do that first, you go to make a morning coffee, you check the time, it’s 12.30 - where did half an hour go? I just got up?! (Time-blindness). You make your coffee and drink it while checking social media, which sucks you in, because your dopamine depleted brain craves stimuli! You check the time, its 1pm, you tell yourself you’ll scroll for ten more minutes, and that ten minute excuse repeats a few times. It’s 1.30 and now your angry, because why didn’t you have the self control! (Hint: you have a disordered executive function). You put your mug on the sink, promising you’ll come back to it later. You go back to the laundry, you realise you forgot to turn the dryer on. You go to do your assignment, you clear your desk, open laptop, but now you don’t know where to start - you can’t naturally prioritise tasks, or break down the individual steps that need to be done in order to complete an assignment, you must do this with the ‘skills’ you have actively had to learn from a coach, internet etc. It’s like trying to bake a cake with no measuring cups, or recipe! So now you are looking at the assessment outline, and what you’ve worked on already, and trying to close last nights 200 tabs of hyperfixation. You read the outline 5 times without actually reading it, on the 6th you try really hard, you’re fidgeting in your chair, it’s an almost physical pain having to sit there and read it. Your eyes feel glazy, there’s too many words and they look like a big smudge on the page. You quickly check messages (dopamine hit), you come back to the outline. Its been half an hour, you still haven’t started. It’s about 2pm, you havent had lunch or breakfast. You go make a tea and come back. Maybe you need backround music? You spend another 20 minutes finding the right playlist, except its not right because it’s either too stimulating or not stimulating enough. You find another playlist, or you go down the rabbit whole of some movie soundtrack you’ve been meaning to look at. It’s 2.45. The washing! You go back and finally get yesterdays load in the dryer and start the load you meant to do today. Might as well make another tea now that I’m up. Might as well check Facebook now I’ve been interrupted. I’ll start at 3.30. 3.30 rolls around, your sibling gets home from school. Noise, talking, lunchbox rattling, bags being unpacked. Distraction. The noise is painful, your executive function (the impaired part of the ADHD brain) is also responsible for emotional regulation. Suddenly you are so fiercly angry at the noise being made in the rest of the house. It’s so over stimulating it feels like sandpaper on your brain and ears, you feel sick to your stomach with rage, you are crying, sobbing. All because people in the other room are talking. You lay on your bed trying to calm the overwhelm and increasing stress at not having done your assignment. It’s 4pm. Mum asks why you left your mug out, or didn’t do the dishes (you were too busy thinking about doing the washing!) She notes the machine still going and tells you that you wont have time to put it in the dryer tonight, you’ll have to do it tomorrow. But you need those clothes for tomorrow, you’re having breakfast with a friend. You’ll have to reschedule. You message your friend, and repeat the standard script “god I am so sorry, I’m such a mess, can we do later in the morning? I’ve got to do chores…” they can’t reschedule, you cancel. You sit back down with the assignment. You fidget. It feels like a physical pain to have to sit there and force yourself to do it. You’ll do it tomorrow. You pack up, and get ready for bed, removing the pile on your bed back to your desk. Your sheets are unmade, it’s uncomfortable and you feel agitated. You’ve forgotten to brush your teeth, or clean your face. You scroll online, or hyperfocus on a new hobby, project, idea, that wont interest you tomorrow, until 3am. You set your alarm for 8am…

This is just one small example and snapshot of ADHD and the impact of Executive Dysfunction. Here are a couple of examples/descriptions of how it feels from the ADHD subreddit.

“Schrodinger’s ADHD: Everything is interesting and boring at the same time. Every subject, every hobby.”

‘The Two ADHD Moods: I can’t do it / I can’t stop doing it. The two types of ADHD time: Now  /  Not Now The two ADHD memory modes: I literally can not recall the words that just                                                         came out of my mouth  /                                                                                       I can recite the opening paragraph of                                                                 every single magic tree house book.’

I also want to talk Neurodivergence, as this is another misconception when it comes to ADHD. In the way that Autism, Tourettes, Dyscalculia, Dysgraphia are all forms of neurodivergence, so is ADHD. ADHD is not a behavoural issue, but a neurobiological developmental disorder. ADHD also has many overlapping traits with Autism, (not to be confused as the same, ADHD is not on the spectrum). These include, sensory overwhelm/sensitivity, memory issues, hyperfocus/hyperfixation, interrupting conversation/trouble waiting in turn, issues reading/recognising social cues, stimming, perseveration, (getting ‘stuck’ on or repeating a thought, topic or idea, even if the conversation has moved on), and avoidance/trouble with eye contact.

To be clear, ADHD is not on the spectrum, a distinguishing feature between these neurotypes is the cause of the symptom. For example someone with ADHD may not recognise social cues due to inattention/overwhelm/impulsivity, where as someone with autism may struggle to interpret these social cues.

It is important for ADHD to be recognised as a neurotype, and not a behavoural issue.  When discussing ADHD traits with a neurotypical person, the response is often along the lines of ‘well everyone is a little distracted/unmotivated/lazy/forgetful/late sometimes.’ My response to that  ‘Would you say that everyone is a bit ‘socially awkward/shy’ sometimes to an autistic person? Or ‘everyone has trouble reading sometimes’ to a dyslexic person?’ I imagine the answer would be no, as it is understood that these traits are a consistent, uncontrollable and debilitating.

The more I have learnt and read about ADHD in the context of neurodivergence, the more I have tried to recognise the ways I hide or detract from my symptoms, by ‘masking’. This has included, taking on certain personas or feeding someone elses assumption about me as ‘the messy one,’ ‘the disorganised one,’ ‘the chaotic one.’ In the past I have almost embraced these stereotypes about myself, as it gave me a sense of identity, a framework with which to see and understand myself. Frustration and anger masked over-stimulation/overwhelm, I was not able to recognise the root of these feelings and I also learnt to fidget/stim in the ‘right’ way. When engaging in small talk with someone I am unfamiliar with, I often resort to mimicing or imitating how I have seen other people interact, speak etc and I am conscious of eye contact, (too much, too little?). I catch myself looking at people/staring too much and am constantly trying to gauge what the right amount is, where else to look, etc. I struggle a lot with taking turns in convesation, as I don’t always know where to interject, or I worry I will forget the thought, this has led me to just stay silent instead in conversations and present myself as serious, or elusive.

That’s really all I have to say for today. I think overall ADHD is far more complex and challenging than it is perceived to be, and these stereotypes are so harmful to people who have it and are trying to navigate not only their symptoms, but a world that is not understanding nor knowledgeable of the limitations and struggles of ADHD or neurodivergence.

I have a lot more to say on all this and will try and write more about this going forward. DM/comment etc if you have any thoughts or criticism of anything I have said. Disclaimer, I am still learning and may make mistakes regarding information, or discussing other neurotypes !

Here are some links you might want to check out if you have/think you have ADHD or you have a friend or family member with ADHD. I also highly, highly recommend the ADHD subreddit!

ADHD explained simply:

https://www.additudemag.com/what-is-adhd-symptoms-causes-treatments/

“ADHD is a developmental impairment of the brain’s executive functions. People with ADHD have trouble with impulse-control, focusing, and organization.

“’Attention deficit’ is, some experts assert, a misleading name. “Attention deregulation” might be a more accurate description since most people with ADHD have more than enough attention — they just can’t harness it in the right direction at the right time with any consistency.”

Comorbidities https://adhd-institute.com/burden-of-adhd/epidemiology/comorbidities/ “The majority of adults with ADHD have a diagnosed or undiagnosed comorbid psychiatric disorder, which can complicate diagnosis and treatment of ADHD.1-3“ ADHD and Autism https://www.spectrumnews.org/features/deep-dive/decoding-overlap-autism-adhd/ “A growing number of genetic studies support the notion of at least some shared causation between autism and ADHD. But imaging studies comparing brain structures and connectivity have yielded a confusing mix of similarities and differences. And some behavioral research has highlighted the possibility that outwardly similar features mask distinct underlying mechanisms. Inattention in a person with autism, for example, might result from sensory overload, and apparent social problems in someone with ADHD may reflect impulsivity. Perseveration https://www.understood.org/en/friends-feelings/common-challenges/self-control/perseveration-adhd-and-learning-differences

“(Kids) who perseverate often say the same thing or behave in the same way over and over again. And they do it past the point where it makes sense or will change anything. It’s like they’re stuck in a loop that they can’t get out of.”

ADHD and social skills https://chadd.org/for-adults/relationships-social-skills/#:~:text=Social%20Skills%20in%20Adults%20with,their%20inattention%2C%20impulsivity%20and%20hyperactivity.

“Social skills are generally acquired through incidental learning: watching people, copying the behavior of others, practicing, and getting feedback. Most people start this process during early childhood. Social skills are practiced and honed by “playing grown-up” and through other childhood activities. The finer points of social interactions are sharpened by observation and peer feedback.

Children with ADHD often miss these details. They may pick up bits and pieces of what is appropriate but lack an overall view of social expectations. Unfortunately, as adults, they often realize “something” is missing but are never quite sure what that “something” may be.”

ADHD and stimming https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/adhd/repetitive-behaviors-in-children-with-adhd-stimming-fidgeting-and-what-these-actions-may-mean/

“Many believe that stimming and fidgeting is reserved for those on the autism spectrum. However, it is now known that children with ADHD are just as likely to use repetitive body movements to self-stimulate. In fact, autistic stimming and non-autistic stimming are different. The main difference is that those with ADHD typically only use stimming for a short period of time while they are trying to concentrate. For example, someone with ADHD may stim for under an hour while those with autism will stim for several hours at a time. While stimming and fidgeting are typically seen as tapping or rocking, there are many other things that children with ADHD do to self-stimulate. There are actually five different variations of stimming, which include olfactory, vestibular, visual, tactile, and auditory.”

[wanderingandfound]

There are no perks to this. I’m not experiencing this world in a nontypical but still valid way, running into issues where society is not set up to accommodate me but that’s society’s fault not mine. If I could wave my hand and have this go away, I wouldn’t lose anything. My life would only improve. And, I guess that’s probably a common thought among people with disabilities. Over the past few years I’ve been so caught up in positivity and reframing, especially about things like autism or being blind or deaf, that I forgot that some things just bring misery. Not everybody who deals with disabilities has something “wrong” with them, is “broken”, but some people are.

That’s another thing, am I disabled? Do I qualify? Not in the government aid sense. In the talking about myself sense. In the adding my two cents to conversations sense. I went to a talk about ADHD and executive dysfunction, especially in the context of grade school children. One of the things mentioned was that four little things could have the impact of one big thing. I was slightly too busy writing that down to hear all her examples, but she included bullying. So my knee pain that literally never leaves (can I call it chronic pain?). My hypothyroidism that is hopefully under control (at least, I’m not usually sick in the mornings now). My OSA. My Type II N. Is there something else as well? My apparently funny eye movement that therapy doesn’t help, that apparently slows down my reading (is this why I can’t skim? Or if I practice more will I finally get the hang of skimming a text?). Is that linked to my difficulty processing verbal input (I won’t call it APD because obviously that’s a Thing)? Are they both stemming from the same main issue? Or are they different? I’m assuming the first one influences why even my messy handwriting is slow (and don’t you dare say practice because I’ve had more practice writing things by hand than most kids this century). How many things are at play here? Do I go back to my clumsiness? My occupational therapy?

I had years of speech therapy that stopped before middle school. The most trouble in my r’s as w’s, s’s as th’s, and z’s as th’s. I couldn’t hear a difference in what I said when I was wrong and what I said when I was right with my r’s and s’s. The z’s just tickled too much to form properly. They still do honestly. In the past months I’ve been having more and more trouble, reverting back to how I was, especially with my s’s. The worst part is when I go to correct myself, I can’t. It isn’t just me forgetting to articulate and enunciate. And I can’t remember the dozens of techniques I had to practice and strengthen, even though there may have been a point where I had spent more years in speech therapy than out of it.

(How many therapies have I been in? Speech, occupational, a little bit in eye therapy until they said I was as improved as I could get (not much), interactive metronome which I remember nothing but the kitkats I got if I met goals, for a while OT gave me listening therapy homework, physical therapy solidly after I broke my wrist, and a little bit after I broke my ankle, and a little bit of counseling that did pretty much nothing.)

I got off topic. I just… want to know what exactly is at play here. I want to take a single test and have nice little graphs and the root causes of all my symptoms and all my symptoms of my root causes. That’s not going to happen, but still.

At the ADHD talk they also said ADHD is usually diagnosed by a process of elimination, and one of the things they eliminate first is a sleep disorder. Which is funny. Because that’s the same thing they say about N. And I wonder (hope) that all my issues focusing comes from the bad sleep. I am 98% sure I have executive functioning problems. But at the talk (again again about this talk I know, I’m sorry) she says that people have both primary and secondary systems. That neurotypical (primary) children who’s parents do all their homework demonstrate EF symptoms of ADHD because they “learned” it (secondary). And even if for me these problems <i>are</i> primary, once I fix it (if I fix it) how will I learn/unlearn/grow the secondary system?

I guess that’s why I’m home now.

I was explaining my plan with retaking math I covered in high school to a friend from college. She asked if I’ve fixed my memory issues now. Because sleep is important to memory formation, and my memory has always sucked (not in the way where I’m “forgetful” but in the way where I have very, very few memories of my own actual life and could never write an autobiography; also apparently in the way where I cannot remember a single thing from a math class I got an A in less than a year ago). I said that, besides sleeping habits (which are vital and I am working on) everything that can be done to actually improve my sleep is being done. But it’s not working and the symptoms are still bloody there. So now we’re on symptom management, i.e. not falling asleep AT ANY GIVEN POINT. Hopefully this will mean I can actually participate in class and feel safe going on roadtrips again. It will not actually improve my health in any given shape or form, but I’ll be a better cog in the capitalist productivity machine. And hopefully will be able to live some form of life. But my memory isn’t going to improve all that much.

I’ll still always be tired. My neurologist has been doing some expectation management, saying I’ll never have a normal brain and I may always feel tired. The goal is to stop the falling asleep on accident.

I’d like to return to my walks again. Maybe return to attempting to run as well. (What if I actually got past week two on the couch to 5k work out? That would be amazing.) But I haven’t had the energy to do jack shit. Like, standing is hard. Sometimes I remember the high school humanities teacher who told me (my parents? I forget) that if I exercised more I would find “more time” in the day to do homework when we asked about time management/me being exhausted/having too much to do. It was bullshit. Going to the track meant I wouldn’t have the energy to do anything until 7:00 pm. When given at least four hours of homework a night? That didn’t work so well. I wonder what her advice would have been if I wasn’t fat. She didn’t seem very concerned about my classmate who was starving and isolating herself when some friends and I went to her with our concerned. Another time she specifically said the classmate was trying to distance herself from “fat Americans”.

I can’t run not on a track because my knees literally cannot take it. The only other form of exercise I’m vaguely interested in is bodyweight exercises, but I literally have never done a proper push up in my life and my knees throw squats and the like straight out of the equation. And honestly? The idea of being able to run a mile is a million times more enticing than being able to do fifty sit-ups. I love walks though. And the temperature here is not the murder-weather there was at school. And yet if I don’t have to go anywhere the chances of me changing out of my pyjamas have been very slim this past month.

I’ve not been meeting any of my goals and I don’t know what to do.