#i love it when they make fanfics inspired by it

[delugyu]

finally got around to reading this!! SOOO GOOD… LEMME RAMBLE

first of all, this is seriously some of the most amazing world building i’ve seen in a fanfic. that is my #1 compliment about this fic, everything about the world is so thought out and magical. ++ so much attention to detail and backstory. i admire it a lot cause it’s really hard to do! i can’t imagine the amount of thought you put into this!! really super phenomenally well done.

i love fantasy AUs so much and this one tickled my brain just right… right off the bat there’s whimsy and lore laced in each paragraph. picturing each scene comes easily with how well you describe the settings and characters.

immediately upon taehyun’s introduction i could see that he was a complex character. a faerie with human ears, a faerie against geasa (note: had to look up what the plural of ‘geas’ was for that 😭), yet seemingly uninterested and cold towards the new human member of the team… then we learn his backstory, and that added depth to his character explains a lot about him.

the relationship building between taehyun and mc is soooo delish… his kind actions are masked with icy words, a constant since chapter one of him keeping her safe despite his coldness. also can i just say, im so obsessed with how “cold” embodies him so well: he’s from the north, so he’s both cold by nature and by choice. and what a stark contrast he is to yeonjun……. yeonjun…..,, omg do not get me started on yeonjun.

his character is probably my favorite in terms of how they’re written! this isn’t me saying i’m team yeonjun (im team #BOTH #AtTheSameTime #WaitWhoSaidThat) but he’s just sooooo… swoon-worthy 😵‍💫 from the moment he was introduced, i was smiling and kicking my feet. the amount of times i had to shut off my phone and take a breather at his lines. what a charmer.

i love that there’s something suspicious about him from the beginning, but not to the point where it’s off-putting to the mc (or to the reader). great foreshadowing!! and so easy to forget the suspicions too when he’s being so romantic and sweet. it’s a great way to show that the mc is easily swayed by romance, and that she tends to follow her heart.

where taehyun is all ice and snow, yeonjun is warmth and sunlight. it’s so easy for him to build a relationship with the mc, sunlight fosters growth. just another detail that i loved

lemme give my flowers to the beautiful gorgeous capable strong lovely mc while i’m at it… i love that she has such self-understanding. she knew she wanted more from her life than being a servant, so she became a spy. then she found love, and she knew she wanted more than being a spy. she takes herself seriously and values her own interests, which i love to see in a female character hehe 🤍

the slowwww burnnnn between taehyun and mc HELP MEEE!!! taehyun runs from love and conceals his emotions because all he’s ever known was betrayal and hurt… meanwhile mc similarly has led a life of misery, but in her case it makes her long for love and emotion. they’re so alike but so different, and each little moment where they find something to connect over… YESSSSS SIRRR!!!! A HUNDRED MORE OF THOSE!!!

i’m sooo interested that taehyun has the ability to lie… i wonder where that path is going to lead teehee. also when taehyun gets jealous my pants get wet. sorry.

super interested to see more of beomgyu too! he’s such a lovable character, i love those little moments he has with the mc. feels like there’s more in store for him and im excited to see it !!

anyway this is just so so so amazing and i’m really so excited to see what comes next. i was fr like squealing and blushing throughout all 5 chapters. (which i read in an embarrassingly short amount of time.) your writing skills are super inspiring…. i effing love you for this… accept my declaration of admiration…

sorry for this long ass review, i took a literature analysis course last semester and couldn’t shut up ever since.

i love this series so bad 😫🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍

𝓘N WHICH 〃 a life lived as a human among the fae is one hard-earned. the folk are built of indescribable beauty, and of debauchery and mischief. for some, a life lived subservient to the folk is just fine; but to those who dream of something more, they would spend their lives clawing and biting to make it happen.

you, looking for a way to escape a life as a faerie’s human servant, put a new foot forward thinking that any life could be better than that. but, when your first assignment as a king’s spy is alongside a brooding, icy faerie man, you begin to wonder what your place in this foreign world really could be.

wc ➳ 93.3k﹙ and counting! ﹚

genre high fantasy/faerie, smut, angst ˒ ˒

pairings faerie!taehyun x reader, faerie!yeonjun x reader

warnings violence, death, death of animals, smut (specific tags will be listed before each chapter), childhood trauma & mentions of abuse, jealousy, controlling & yandere relationship dynamics, unprotected sex, original characters but they only last for small amounts of time & act as story catalysts, fem! reader

˒ ˒ want a look into the world? here’s the pinterest board !! ༘⋆

﹙ 🪕﹚ playlists ⑊ yeonjun ˒ taehyun ˒ series

: ̗̀﹙❆﹚𝓅arts . : ↘︎

one ˒ two ˒ three ˒ four ˒ five ˒ ...🪶

© hyukascampfire please do not steal, plagiarize, or repost any of my works.

[viiennie]

𝕭𝖊𝖙𝖜𝖊𝖊𝖓 𝖞𝖔𝖚𝖗 𝖑𝖆𝖘𝖙 𝖇𝖗𝖊𝖆𝖙𝖍

Premiere

Gojo Satoru x f!reader

Tags and warnings: Zombie Apocalypse, mentions of gore (including blood and death), slight angst (?), spoilers to ‘Happiness’, eventual smut, female reader, p in v sex, fingering, creampie, lovey dovey sex in the midst of a literal lock down, masturbation, slow burn kinda?, fluff, romance, drugs, manipulation, exhibition, gojo is a pervertttttt, mdni — 18+

In the midst of a world unraveling at the seams, where survival hangs by the thinnest thread, two unlikely souls collide. You, one of South Korea’s most seasoned soldiers, find yourself tasked with a mission that feels almost too absurd to be real—a bodyguard to a CEO’s spoiled son, Gojo Satoru.

The world outside is crumbling, but inside the walls of an upscale penthouse, the only battle seems to be against the daily monotony of a grown man who doesn’t want to be babysat. He’s constantly getting on your nerves, teasing you and making fun of you every chance he gets. Ignore the way he gets overprotective over you, and the way he’s slowly starting to look at you with those dreamy soft eyes? Yeah, out of sight, out of mind. Besides, there’s no way an idiot like him could possibly feel love, right?

This is insane. Absolutely fucking nuts. 

Getting stuck in this stupid penthouse, with its stupid owner and his stupid smile is the worst thing that has happened to you all your life. You regret taking that stupid job to babysit this insufferable manchild, but what could you possibly do when faced with a 15 million won pay? It was irresistible in your very much money desperate eyes. Besides, what was 3 simple days of making sure a guy didn’t die in his own house, right?

God, you wish you could turn back time and slap the absolute shit out of yourself.

Because here you are, two days in, and the universe decides to throw in a plot twist no amount of training could’ve prepared you for. A virus. Not just a normal, everyday outbreak, but one that makes people turn rabid, lose their minds, and tear into others like animals. Two days in, and the news breaks that the city is locking down. Quarantine zones are popping up faster than you can count, and you? You’re stuck in this high-rise hellhole with him.

Gojo Satoru.

The man is a walking nightmare. A grinning, infuriating, insufferable nightmare who has spent every second of your time here testing the limits of your patience. You barely survived the last 48 hours, and now you’re supposed to last a whole week? You’d rather sign up for a solo mission in a war zone than endure another second of his antics.

“C’mon, sweetheart,” Gojo drawls from the couch, his voice dripping with that obnoxious charm he wears like a second skin. “Don’t act all sad. I know you’re absolutely ecstatic deep down to be stuck here with the world’s most handsome living man. It’s a dream come true, isn’t it?”

You glare at him, clutching the mug of lukewarm coffee in your hands like it’s the only thing keeping you grounded. The temptation to chuck it at his stupidly perfect face is strong. Very strong.

“Shut up,” you snap, narrowing your eyes. “I’d rather French kiss a cockroach than spend one more minute with you.”

chapter one

a/n: This fanfic is inspired by the kdrama series, “Happiness.” I’ve based the infection off of the show, as well as the supporting characters. Unfortunately, I have decided not to add other jjk characters in the main storyline. They do exist in this verse, however they are only briefly mentioned and don’t really play big roles. Anyway, comment if you wanna be in the taglist! Only adding 30 people to the said list, hehe

p.s do not plagiarize my content.

[the-teufort-nine]

My TF2 Fic Rec List [ Fanfics I've Read That You Should Too]

*cracks knuckles* right, let's get started! X Reader fics are not included bc I already did a list of them for an ask. Mind the tags and ratings, as always. I'll add to this as I collect more, but its decently long as is

Symbol Key:

** = Incomplete

~~ = Personal favourite

++ = Under 10k

SpeedingBullet:

~~Running Blind by TheTriggeredHappy

(( Scout's eyes are badly damaged in battle and for some reason, Medic's gun can't fix him. Until they figure out how to heal Scout, he needs someone to look after him and keep him safe.

Sniper is given the job.

[3rd person limited, Scout's POV, some character development done on a whim] ))

The SpeedingBullet fanfic. If you like Scout X Sniper, and you haven't read this one yet, I don't know what to tell you. You are severely missing out on not only a great romance story, but also fantastic team dynamics. Also has an available Podfic!

++From a Hospital Bed by SlightlyLessThanAnon

(( Jeremy wakes up in the hospital, his brain struggling the find coherent thoughts as the world churns around him, in and out of consciousness.

He finds the team may care about him a little more than he thought they did. ))

Short but sweet. More whole team fluff than strictly SpeedingBullet. Very cute.

~~Golden Brown, as well as its sister fic, Take Me Out by Ali_Ker (Alina_Kerrin)

(( After seeing his co-worker in a new light, Scout is faced with unknown feelings and a new, distracting perspective on things. ))

This lovely author can be found here under the handle @alikerao3

Grouped these two together because they are they same story, but told from the perspectives of Scout and Sniper respectively. Definitely a bit of a heavier read, especially for anyone who has dealt with Catholic guilt or internalized homophobia, but my God is it worth it. Don't just read one thinking it isn't worth it to read the other fic. Read both. Also, check out the song that inspired the title.

~~Going Through The Motions by AussieBookworm

(( Working under RED can be repetitive at times - but nothing like this. After a curse is fired his way, Scout is forced to live through the same day over and over and over again. It should be easy for someone as perfect as Scout to break the curse, right? As long as he doesn't have to confront the things he's been feeling towards Sniper it should be a piece of cake! ))

Possibly my absolute favourite TF2 fic right now. Scout gets character development out the ass, Demo has a prominent, important role, and there's a plot twist so good it had me tweaking out. TW for Suicide as a method used to get out of a time loop. Absolutely incredible, and it needs more love.

Gills and Gunpowder by popkeeki

(( Monsters are becoming increasingly rare. Between getting pushed to the periphery of society or being targeted by traffickers, life is hard when you are not (entirely) human. Like many others, Scout tries to keep his true form a secret. It has never really been a problem. That is, until a nosy teammate catches him mid-swim. ))

SpeedingBullet Mermaid AU!! Good luck finding a fic with this premise that also reaches this level of quality.

**~~Pet by Anonymous

(( Sniper's terrified of losing the one person he has in his life. It turns out there's a convenient solution to that: just make sure he has no way out, and the rest will follow.

Scout wakes up in a van he knows all too well, loopy and hungover, and Sniper's waiting for him.

*

Or: Learning to live with claustrophobia in small spaces Or: Making the best of assisted living Or: You can’t outrun a fucking bullet ))

Are you like me? Do you enjoy Scout whump and Yandere!/Possessive Sniper? SpyDad? Do you want more of it in your life? If the answer is yes, than Pet is for you! No NSFW, just pure, delicious kidnapping and one-sided love.

General Fanfic Recommendations:

++Something's Up With Respawn by Camelot_taurus, Old Works (HarveyDangerfield)

(( Respawn starts to glitch, and the Administrator sets Engineer to work fixing it.

It doesn't take long for him to find out exactly what's going ))

Super funny, weird little oneshot. Basically, Respawn starts glitching and producing fucked up, Paperjam Dipper-esque clones of the Mercs.

++Mask Off by MatryoshkaDoll413

(( Scout is sick. Really sick. 'If we can't get this fever under control it's the hospital or the morgue' sick, and Respawn can't help him this time. They'd already tried that. He's gotten so delirious he's fighting Medic every second he's awake, not really lucid enough to remember so much as his own name, much less that of any of the team. Medic is ready to put him under full sedation and try and work things out from there, but Spy has an idea. ))

Wholesome SpyDad fic. Spy actually acts like a dad for once, for his sick little bunny.

~~++Scout, Respond by MatryoshkaDoll413

(( Scout wakes up in a dark, unknown place, with rocks bearing down on him and a spotty recollection as to how he ended up there in the first place. The only thing that keeps him sane is the voice of his team in his ear, telling him to talk, to breath, and, more than anything, to stay awake. ))

Scout gets trapped beneath a collapsed building, and receives comfort from his team over his headset while they race to dig him out. Super cute, definitely a must read, and I've done so more than once.

pick it all up (and start again) by bugbee

(( The clues had always been there, he had just never wanted to see them. Maybe neither of them had, instead content to deny the truth before their eyes for the rest of their days because it was better than confronting the alternative. Except Scout had died, and Spy wasn’t able to keep on pretending for his last moments. A part of Jeremy was glad for it, despite the simmering rage and betrayal and hurt. So when he tried to look God in the eye and tell Him that Tom Jones was his father… He couldn’t. Not really.

(Scout discusses his parentage with God, and stays dead for a little while longer. Well. A lot longer. On the plus side, he gets to attend his own funeral reception.) ))

An alternate take on Scout's death from the comics. Very Scout centric, obviously, and ends happily.

~~A Little Bird Told Me… by the_soup_specter

(( Medic learns a secret— something personal, powerful, big enough to cause a rift in the team of mercenaries that could tear two of them apart. And for once in his life… he’s not sure how to proceed.

With no better ideas, Medic decides to ask his fellow mercenaries for advice. But as dueling viewpoints begin to pile up, will he be able to make a decision before the team is changed forever? ))

Medic learns Spy is Scout's dad, and spills the beans. Everything turns out ok, but man the aftermath initially ain't pretty.

~~seven times he has to explain (and one time he doesn’t have to) by conner_is_alive

(( the trans scout obsession has me in a vice

also if i don’t vent my trans sadness i will literally rip a government building down brick by brick lmao ))

The fic that made me a trans Scout believer. If you're on the fence about that headcanon, maybe give this fic a read.

**~~Kith And Kin by BOREDGrace23

(( Mick never thought much of the BLU team. They were just clones, after all. Designed to be their opponents in a meaningless war.

That's why when he woke up, his vision blurry, his brain blistering from a headache like he'd just woken up from a hangover, and several burning questions about what had happened, he thought it was strange that they hadn't killed him already.

//

Or, BLU are clones and RED are decidedly not. They’re then forced to work together when their teams disappear. ))

If you like Emesis Blue, or horror in general, go read Kith And Kin. And when you finish, go give @boredgrace23 some love for such an incredible fic.

**++Der Junge by UpInFlamesWriting

(( Everyone on the team knows that Scout & Medic do not get along. They're like Sniper & Spy, except less bloodthirsty about it. Medic scares Scout, & Scout doesn't give Medic a reason to like him. When the two of them start being more than friendly all of a sudden, the team starts to worry, especially when it becomes obvious that Medic & Scout are keeping secrets from them. Scout & Medic are not about to tell the rest of the team that they are a pair of transsexual men, especially when Medic agrees to help Scout in his transition. For all the weirdness that goes on in the base, the world is not kind to queer people, & they aim to keep the reason behind their friendship a secret, even if it kills them. ))

Trans Scout and Trans Medic solidarity fic. I need more of this.

Eight Mercenaries and A Toddler by ChaosandMayhem

(( When Respawn malfunctions and their annoying Scout is turned into something far more precocious, it'll take all of the RED team's wits and patience to look after him. At the same time, Engineer must find a way to turn Scout back into an adult before the BLUs-or anyone else-realizes what's happened. No pairings, just a bunch of exhausted trained killers and one hyperactive child. ))

An Ancient Text from 2012 and the only FF.Net fic on this list, EMaAT is a classic for me. Lot's of Spy backstory, if memory serves. Quotes from this live rent free in my mind.

PracticalEspionage:

++Under the Lake by Her_AngelEyes

(( Engineer goes fishing. Hilarity ensues. ))

Don't let the description fool you. This is a non-con/mind break fic. If you like darkfic stuff, than this is for you~

[unhappy-sometimes]

a 2024 writing retrospective (for sxf fanfic)

ignore the fact that i’m a few days late. i’ve been unbelievably busy the past couple weeks.

in this post i’ll go over the fics i wrote in 2024 think of it as an extremely extended author’s notes. i love to talk and will do so when given the chance.

i’ll start from my latest fic and work my way backwards. spoilers for everything i’ve written in 2024.

(Very) Stupid

Something that I try really really hard to maintain in my writing is believability, specifically when it comes to writing characters. Characters acting out of character is one of my biggest fanfic pet peeves: if I wanted to read about someone’s oc, then I would’ve read a regular book. That being said, I think a lot about how Twilight would actually act like if he were in love. I had an interesting conversation with @cantareincminor forever ago about how he’s so emotionally constipated that it’s kind of difficult to write Twilight in love without making him a bit ooc. Right now in canon it’s hard to imagine him falling head over heels for anyone (in my opinion, anyway).

That being said there are moments in canon where he acts flustered in situations that could be interpreted as romantic. So, for right now, my hypothesis is this: if and when Twilight falls in love, he’s going to be an absolute fool. He’s going to do his usual overthinking and overanalyizing, so much to the point that he starts hesitating over the smallest things.

(Very) Stupid is how I imagine all of that unfolding, although for the sake of comedy I did push things to the absurd. Sometimes Twilight does things in canon with such certainty of “Yes, of course normal people do this, I’m nailing this normalcy thing” that he fails to realize he’s being kinda ridiculous. I also wanted to take that element and incorporate it into a fic.

I also wanted to try subverting expectations (ooh fancy literary term) by having them do romantic things that lead them nowhere. I tried to cram in as many tropes as I could—feeding each other with a fork, only one bed, first kiss—but do so under the guise of Twilight completely missing how dumb he’s being the entire time. He only realizes his feelings until after their first kiss, specifically when Yor surprises him with a quick peck on the cheek. This, of course, was deliberate. I figured that it’d make the most sense if Twilight would only realize his feelings in a situation where he wasn’t the one initiating a (somewhat) romantic gesture because he theoretically wouldn’t be overthinking it. Instead, Yor just sneaks in when his guard is down <3

Endings are usually the hardest things for me to write and (Very) Stupid was no exception. I almost had Twilight pass out at the breakfast table when he kisses Yor but then I realized I’d made him faint in almost every fic I’ve written this year and that felt like a cop out. But I figured it out and I don’t mind the way the ending turned out :D

Also, kind of a random reference, but the title is slightly inspired by VERY NICE by Seventeen lol

Holy crap I’ve written so much for only one fic so far. My apologies in advance.

21 Eden Street

I won’t go into too much detail for 21 Eden Street because it’s still ongoing, but I just wanna brag about how fun it is to write hehe. It’s really enjoyable to write pure crack and come up with stupid and insane ideas with Cantare. You don’t need to have seen either iteration of 21 Jump Street to understand what’s going on. Honestly, we’ve taken very little from the source material and treated it more like a loose guide and a basis for brainstorming.

Don’t worry, we haven’t abandoned it! Cantare is waiting on me to finish writing my chapter (hehe sorry, Cantare!) and soon it’ll be back up and running.

Seeing things

Ah, Seeing Things, my beloved <3

This fic has the least amount of hits out of everything I’ve written (which is not surprising to me) but I hold it very dear to my heart. There’s not a specific reason why other than I just really enjoyed writing it. I also spent a ton of time making supplementary drawings and a whole hype campaign for it, too, so I kinda am obligated to feel some sorta way about it.

Anyway, the way this fic came about is simple; I just had the things I am most afraid of happen to Twilight. Yes, I’m scared of serial killers and my loved ones dying like everyone else, but something I am absolutely terrified of are hallucinations. That and doppelgangers.

Not being able to tell reality apart from fiction activates the flight or fight senses in me. Real life can be scary, yes, but reality is bound by the rules of reality. Literally anything can happen in fiction. The most horrific, awful things are possible in fiction and if those things suddenly become possible in reality???? Girl I am GONE. Passing away. Curling up in a fetal position in the nearest corner. I don’t know if that makes any sense. If I ever start seeing things that I can’t be sure are actually happening or not, I am choosing to die right then and there. Doppelgangers as a concept are also really scary to me. It’s like stranger danger but times a thousand because you can’t tell who the strangers are anymore.

In my initial draft, there wasn’t nearly as much of a tension between Twilight and Yor. If I recall correctly, by then I’d written to nearly the end and realized that for Yor this whole experience has been Loid acting just a little more weird than usual. It might’ve been Cantare’s suggestion (just assume everything after Guy’s Night has been beta’d by Cantare and you’ll be mostly right) but I realized that Twilight probably would start to suspect the people around him were screwing with him. I added the scene where his room was messed up and it all fell into place hehe.

I don’t like writing gore or the like because I feel like typical gore quickly starts escalating into levels of pain that the average reader has no possibility of comprehending and it loses its efficacy. Instead I tried feeding into Twilight’s paranoia, adding things that in isolation are just weird but when put together are unsettling. I shamelessly stole the fourth room hallway from Impossible Landscapes, a Delta Green campaign that I highly recommend you check out if you enjoy surreal horror. I purposefully kept some things vague, like the things Anya sees in Twilight’s mind, the way Handler’s face gets warped, or the description of “the watchers” because I felt like going into detail would lose the unknown-ness of it all. That and I’m lazy heehee.

In some way, canon Spy x Family does deal with ideas of doppelgangers and paranoia. Spies are constantly afraid of being listened in on, they don’t know if they can trust anyone, and they always have to keep an eye over their shoulder. For someone who is always a little scared of being spied on (I cover my phone and laptop cameras for that exact reason), that kinda sounds like torture. Seeing Things was a fun way to crank that paranoia up to a hundred. It was especially fun writing the museum scene because I tried thinking of things that are just ever so slightly off, things that theoretically could exist but clearly don’t.

I also threw in other things I’m scared of, like being watched, being followed, the dark, and the bathroom at night just to be extra mean to Twilight <3

Anyway, I’m rambling and this analysis post will be a novel if I keep this up.

Guy’s Night

I do recognize the insane tone shift going from Seeing Things to Guy’s Night.

What is there to even say about Guy’s Night? I got the idea from Psych (the Last Night Gus episode) who got the general basic from the Hangover movies. I wrote it all out in a few days, one of which I was sick in bed. I don’t know what to say.

Looking back on it, I don’t love the way it turned out. I’m glad I wrote it but where I usually don’t mind rereading my stuff for fun I do kinda cringe at Guy’s Night. It relies on a lot of contrivances which I tried masking with humor but it’s still a bit obvious. If you make a timeline of the previous night’s events, it only kinda makes sense.

It doesn’t help that I went into it with no plan whatsoever. I just sat down and said what happens happens. When I wrote in chapter one that something had happened between Loid and Yor, I didn’t know what that was. When I wrote Loid saying “we need to see what’s on that camera film” I was right there next to him saying “buddy, so do I because I have no idea.” When wrote Franky saying that his friend Marko might have answers, I was hoping he would too because I, like everyone else, didn’t know what was going on either.

The ONE thing I DID know was that Twilight got a tattoo the night before. That was it. That’s all.

I don’t typically plan out everything when I write but I usually have a good idea. For Guy’s Night, I had a bad idea in that I had no idea. It kinda shows. Sorry.

That being said, it was incredibly fun writing their drunk shenanigans and banter. The dynamic between Twilight, Franky, and Yuri was so goofy that I’ve seriously debated writing a sequel of sorts. However that’s incredibly unlikely. If I ever do write a sequel, it’d be a Girl’s Night with Yor and a combination of female characters, probably Sylvia and Fiona.

After Peace (and Glimpses of Happiness)

A quick heads up: I don’t go into detail but I do discuss mental illness in this segment.

I am incredibly proud of how After Peace turned out. Not only did it receive a really good reception for being my first fic ever, but it also helped me work through some things in my own life. It’s important to give some context.

I wrote After Peace shortly after graduating college. I won’t go into specifics, but college was really, really difficult for me. I had been so excited for this next step in my life after graduating high school but instead it turned out to be one of the hardest experiences of my life. Depression came out of nowhere and stomped me into the ground.

I used to have very high expectations for myself; I had a clear vision of what I wanted to do with my life and I was taking steps to work towards those goals. Then my mental health tanked and suddenly everything just felt so difficult and pointless. I’d sleep all day and then hate myself when the sun started to set because that meant I’d wasted an entire day doing nothing when I was supposed to be working towards something. But I just couldn’t do it anymore.

That’s something I’ve noticed that a lot of media gets wrong about depression sometimes. It doesn’t always make you feel sad. Sometimes it just sucks everything out of you—sadness, happiness, anger, everything. I stopped drawing, stopped listening to music, stopped eating, stopped exercising, stopped doing everything that I enjoyed because it felt like the equivalent of doing the dishes. Everything was a chore, even the things that I liked.

What really changed things around was when my poor roommate, who was sick of me sleeping for twenty hours a day, dragged my sorry self to the free counseling services on campus. It’s doesn’t fix everything, but having someone who cares about you and you care about can really help your mental health.

Anyway, let’s not forget I’m talking about an anime fanfiction here haha.

After Peace really did start out as a couple of doodles but as I started to write it, I noticed that there were a lot of similarities between myself and Loid. No, I am not a former spy turned grumpy hermit, but I did once have great aspirations and now have to settle for what reality offers me. Realizing that worth comes from simply existing was something that I had to understand in order to begin my recovery process.

I’ve always found it kind of sad that if you took away the goal of world peace from Twilight that you’re basically left with nothing. He doesn’t really have hobbies, no real friends, and he never takes a day off. That’s hardly sustainable. Would he really be happy when there’s nothing left to do? I’d like to think so, but I wanted to see what would happen if he wasn’t.

I mentioned this in the end note, but After Peace was also influenced by this comic I was working on years ago that had the similar premise of “grumpy man learns to enjoy life with the help of a young girl” (very original, I know). I doubt that I’ll ever release that comic in the capacity I once intended, but it does live on in my secret second tumblr account of you ever manage to find it.

Anyway, I was worried about writing After Piece because Anya plays a big role and I am Not Good at writing children. It was hard striking a balance between making Anya likeable but still realistic. I don’t interact with children often and, as a youngest sibling, I don’t have much experience with them. Anya has so many layers—being a test subject, being a telepath, being a child—that it was hard managing them all. But I’m okay with how she turned out.

There is a slight problem in that she basically disappears once Yor shows up D:

I debated having Yor in the fic at all but then I realized that without her the emotional climax would have to rely on a four year old’s emotional intelligence and then decided right then and there that Yor had to be in it haha.

Yor’s whole deal with accidentally killing the wrong person was kind of a last minute addition. I do wish I was able to explore that more, but I also feel like she’s emotionally mature enough to forgive herself more quickly than Twilight would. She ends up serving a bit of a role model to him. It was also nice to be able to write them interacting with the truth out on the table and for them to be honest with each other.

Pacing was something that I was very concerned with. Looking back on it now, I’m still worried that things move along a bit quickly. However, I am reminded of some advice my graphic design professors gave me: “Good design is when nothing more can be take away.” And, because I was writing this as fast as possible, you best believe I was taking things away if I didn’t need them. I didn’t want to fall into the trap of dwelling on Twilight’s thoughts for too long so I instead opted for showing him progressing through experiences instead. I think it worked out.

However because I took so many things out I decided to start Glimpses of Happiness, a supplementary fic to After Peace that fills in the cracks, so to speak. I wanted to have more moments between Twilight and the other characters, like stargazing with Anya and growing close to Yor. Right now there’s only one chapter, but I have plans for at least a few more. I also thought it was important to highlight that mental health recovery never truly ends. Just because Yor and Twilight had a nice chat on the roof doesn’t mean that things are suddenly okay. It’s a long process that sometimes never ends and I wanted to show that.

Of course, I can’t talk about After Peace without addressing the Midwest allegations. As I said, yes, this fic was inspired by my childhood in the American Midwest, even though I was nowhere near any mountains. The Midwest is a silly place full of nothing to do but go to your local Walmart for fun, but I think it served a good enough setting for Twilight to chill out and slow down. If I really wanted to do full Midwest, I’d have Twilight watch a tornado touch down on a cornfield from his truckbed, but that feels sort of out of place.

I feel like there’s more to say but I can’t think of anything and I doubt anyone’s actually gonna read all the way down here anyway. But yeah, that’s After Peace.

Oh, and the A.M. AM by Damien Jurado Youtube video currently has nine comments that mentjon falling from a five story building, which I think is really funny.

So now what?

Against my better judgement, I’m still writing. I have a couple projects in the works, especially one big big big one that hopefully I can start publishing soon. Keep an eye out for that.

In the meantime, thanks for a great year! I hope 2025 holds more great things in store for us all!

-unso ^. .^<

[the-100-days-of-junkan]

Day 98

What’s better than this, girls havin fun by Oxidize

That’s right our final piece in the fanfic marathon is once again from Oxidize! A fact that surprised the fuck out of me when I found it out, given the drastic difference in tone between this and Burning Lungs.

It’s also a Chatfic! Which like, how the fuck do I draw that?? I’ll tell ya! I didn’t! What I actually did was I made art inspired by the fic rather than actually based off of it. Does that sentence make sense? No fucking idea! 

But you all know what this is. It is THE fic, the one that started everything off. Until I found this story my connection was Junkan was thinking it was a no good, toxic as hell ship, but also something that could be pretty funny if you played it as “Junko derails her entire plan because she thinks Mikan is hot.” And when I say prior to this fic I’m talking like, 2017-2018. Since that joke was based on a convo that was had in a server I’m no longer apart of and have no plans of returning too, which I left in 2019. 2019 was a real blank year for me and Junkan from what I remember. 

Anyway, there is just a little build up to this fic, but it isn’t Junkan related so I’ll try to keep it short.

So once upon a time I had just gotten into Danganronpa, conveniently I also discovered AO3, a treasure trove of stories about girls kissing. This was at first used for me to read as much Tokomaru as possible, something which would totally have no massively scaled effects on me as a person such as say, my egg cracking and me realizing I’d be happier as a woman. But we all run out of fics eventually, and it didn’t take many insomnia fueled binge reads of the Tokomaru tag for me to run out of stories. So what did I do? Get addicted to Chat Fics!! What the fuck else would I do, right? I just looked up Danganronpa and Chatfic and went to town, I initially avoided them on my Tokomaru binge because when it comes to ships, I’m pretty much always going to prioritize a fic where they’re the focus rather than a fic where they have like, 5 paragraphs of screentime. I would see a Fic, check the tags to see if it had Tokomaru, and if it didn’t, I moved on. And funny enough given current events, if it had a ship like Junkan, I also skipped forward. Oh how the fucking times change. 

I got addicted to these for like, a month or two I think. I would find one, start reading, and couldn’t fucking stop reading until it was finished. I just loved seeing the stupid antics the different classes would get up to, moreso when they interacted with eachother. I vividly remember laughing my ass off at one storyline where a few of the characters get lost in either an ikea or a costco? Hard to remember but god it was funny. These fics could change tone rapidly, had their own series of tropes and plotlines that’d recur throughout different ones, one fic got really fucking dark out of nowhere and it was jarring as hell, they were amazing. I kinda miss the days when I read them in such excess, I always kind of wanted to make one but also god no I could never.

If there was one perk to these Chatfics, aside from more Tokomaru, it was that it definitely broadened my horizons for what ships I was interested. Prior to this I liked Tenmiko and Tokomaru, that was about it. But through these chatfics I got into stuff like Irumatsu, Celesgiri (Fell off of that though), and most importantly and relevantly, Ikuzono.

So I of course, would eventually go on a quest throughout the Mukuro x Sayaka tag on AO3, sometime during early 2020. And unfortunately that was a significantly rarer pair to find fics for, especially for me at the time who was a lot pickier and only looked for Fluff on most days. 

So of course, I see this fic, and I almost skipped forward when seeing the Junkan Tag. But then I read the rest of the tags, emphasizing that it wasn’t gonna be abusive. So I thought “Fuck it” and went for it.

And thus the second domino fell.

Ironically while reading it I wasn’t focusing on the Ikuzono parts, helped partially by the fact that the relationship wasn’t established yet. But the Junkan? It wasn’t the deepest thing I had ever read at that point. It was like most Chatfics, silly, goofy, probably a little out of character, the usual stuff. But this felt different, it was something I had no experience with, and why would I? Up till now I was under the impression that Junkan was one of the most bottom of the barrel ships available in Danganronpa. Y’know cause I was like, only 2 years past my teens so my brain was still made of soup. 

But this was god damn adorable. Mikan was sweet and adorable, Junko was silly and showed nothing but support and love for Mikan. She calls her a Cinnamon Apple! And the fact that I’ve never stolen that nickname is a fucking crime!

There isn’t really a lot to talk about in terms of what actually happens. Junko does cute stuff with Mikan, Junko dropkicks Hiyoko in the head because she’s bullying Mikan, and Junko gets in detention, resulting in antics. It is just a really cute, pleasant fic that makes me really happy to read.

As you can tell that makes doing art based on this, as chatfics don’t lend themselves super easily to visuals. The best I could do is the aforementioned Junko dropkicking Hiyoko while Mikan watches, but it’s been a few years and I don’t have hatred in my soul for Hiyoko anymore.

So I opted to make something inspired by the vibe of the fic instead! And also add in some 2000s energy! Because I have an obsession with the 2000s aesthetic, and it has as much of a violent grip on me as Junkan. 

To capture that 2000s energy I tried to make this look like an ancient, shitty photo taken off of a flip phone. Cause I love flip phones, and hate Smart Phones. Which is why there’s a third version of this art that was purely an excuse for me to draw a Flip Phone. I don’t care if a chatroom like this realistically wouldn’t exist on them at this point in time, I hate Smartphones and I will be petty about it. 

Adding to the attempt at making the photo feel aged as shit I also tried to recreate the red eye that could be sometimes found in old photos from this era. As for the designs, ya’ll probably noticed by now that I drew Mikan similar to how I did for the Burning Lungs art. That’s because ever since I found out this fic was made by the same author, I’ve just kind of headcanonned that this fic is takes place sometime after where Burning Lungs would have ended, which I assume would have involved the two getting together. 

Now, the keen eyed reader will probably realize that wouldn’t make sense because Mukuro and Sayaka were already together in Burning Lungs. Whereas in this fic they aren’t together at all. And you’re right, that is in fact a big flaw with me considering these to take place in the same timeline.

But also. Look at the past 97 fuckin days. And all the other shit I drew while these were posted. It is safe to assume that when it comes to details that conflict with something I’m really into, I am just a little willing to ignore those details.

So Mikan gets her cute little bandaids, her itchy sweater which I imagine Junko would really enjoy cuddling into by this point, and a small detail that was only noted for a moment during Burning Lungs, but a chipped tooth as well. It was really nice gettin’ to draw this version of the characters again! Even if I still lack a lot to talk about with this piece, I simply hope ya’ll enjoy it!

And with that I think I’ve told all there is to tell in terms of how I got into this ship. Only took me 98 fucking days to explain it all properly, and backwards no less! Almost like this wasn’t thought out super far in advance or something! I feel like I should have more to say here but really, I kinda just, don’t? Hope ya’ll have enjoyed the Fanfic Marathon! As I’ve said before I really wanna show more love to the writing community for Junkan in the future, both for currently available fics, and the fics that have yet to be written! 

For now though, there are only 2 days left. And I have hopefully saved the best for laugh in terms of my own personal contributions. Ya’ll ready for another comic? 

As always, Reblogs, Comments, and Little Notes in the Tags are appreciated!~ They always make my day!~

[tourettesdog]

I am begging people to be normal about completed fics, and in particular one shots.

I am begging people to stop demanding more from authors, and insisting that one shots need to be longer or have sequels.

I don't think yall understand how many fanfic authors are one more "where's the rest of it?" comment away from throwing out any plans they might have had to continue an idea.

Unless an author like specifically says they might write more for an idea, just-- assume something marked as completed is complete, and respect it as it stands, please.

[dont-offend-the-bees]

DontOffendTheBees' DBDA Fic Masterpost

Or, essentially, my 2024 Ao3 Wrapped because this show is all I've posted on main all year 😅 But it's nice to be back in the swing of writing and it's been such a rough year, so I'm gonna take a minute now to bask in the glow of my accomplishments 💛

(please note fic links are to Ao3, and fics are locked to be visible to registered users only!)

Ongoing Fics:

Oh, Lonely Bones, Have You Forgotten? (M, 31.9k, ch. 3/4, Charles/Edwin)

A haunting little odyssey of Edwin finding his earthly remains, and figuring out where the hell to go from there. Was hoping to finish this off before the year was out but pain and other projects sadly got in the way! Don't worry, she will be complete one day, I swear!

Somewhere Beyond the Sea (T, 7k, ch 1/5, Charles/Edwin)

A sweet and magical Payneland Ponyo AU, written originally as a Secret Santa gift and then ballooning WAY out of proportion! I'm so, so excited for how this one turns out!

One-shots:

The Kind of Light That Means Just Love (When My Baby Smiles at Me) (T, 1.4k, Charles/Edwin)

Where it all began, a little ficlet I wrote based on a writing group prompt which made me realised how much fun the character voices were to play with. Short and sweet, Charles takes photos of Edwin and finds ways to be cheerful about it even when he doesn't show up in them.

Outside Looking In (T, 3.6k, Charles/Edwin)

Outsider POV fic in which Charles and Edwin are overhead having a very strange but sweet conversation while in their older disguises. While this was an early fic and there's probably some stuff I'd change about the dialogue if I wrote it now, I'm so fond of it and I'm touched by the response to it - ESPECIALLY in the form of Robin's incredible gifset! (this gifset MUST be reblogged by everyone, btw.)

The Scenic Route (T, 2.1k, Charles/Edwin)

A short, sweet little agency outing and Payneland get-together, written in large part to daydream of a better world of public transportation while I was stuck standing on a cross-country train for two hours.

No Rehearsing It, No Reversing It (T, 9.3k, Charles/Edwin)

Mandatory 'Charles massively overthinks getting together with Edwin' fic, a comedy of errors, featuring foiled kissing schemes, party games, flimsy excuses, and my first fateful foray into discovering how fun Cat King is to write.

’Cause You Cut Through All the Noise (M, 5.3k, Charles/Edwin)

First day of Payneland week, what a time! Edwin helps Charles calm down from a panic spiral with a healthy application of sweet, gently non-sexual dom/sub play, featuring sweet words and soothing games of cat's cradle.

Though We're Strangers 'Til Now (T, 4.7k, Charles/Edwin)

Payneland week day 2. One of my more out-there concepts; in the campy tradition of Saturday night British fantasy telly a la Merlin or Atlantis, Charles and Edwin take the mythological roles of Theseus and Ariadne. This fic exists in large part due to @every-moment-a-different-sound making me aware of Payneland week and asking me to collaborate, and once again, it is COMPULSORY that you go and reblog their GORGEOUS SHOWSTOPPING INCREDIBLE GIFS.

I Got Sunshine in a Bag (T, 1.2k, Charles/Edwin)

Payneland week day 3. The little script-format fic where (spoiler alert) Charles confesses his feelings to Edwin in the safe haven of his own magical bag of tricks. Sweet and silly!

Something I Can Turn To (T, 2.4k, Charles/Edwin)

Payneland week day 4. The AU where Charles and Edwin are alive in the same era, and helped each other survive the brutality of their teenage years. This one was so lovely to write and there's a little bittersweet hollow in my heart carved out for it. This fic also spawned this absolutely lovely art by @yasartmeme (GO REBLOG, GIVE IT LOVE) and a collection of related stories by several wonderful authors. Every time someone else dips their toe into this universe it warms my chilly little heart.

If the Shoe Fits, Then I Won’t Try It On (T, 2k, Charles/Edwin)

Payneland week day 5. Another outing with the disguises; pre-canon, Charles and Edwin on a case, getting used to their new magic disguises and constructing dubious backstories.

Spinning on That Dizzy Edge (M, 1k, Charles/Edwin)

Payneland week day 6. Short little flirty, steamy, fun date night with Charles and Edwin in a haunted pub, with a piano <3

Lived My Whole Life Before the First Light (M, 7.3k, Charles/Edwin)

Payneland week day 7. AKA the attic scene, as told in a soulmate AU. A few people who don't generally like soulmate AU's have told me this one plays with the concept in a way they found interesting and refreshing! Suffice it to say there's a happy ending, but not of the sort generally associated with the genre. And this one comes with yet another mandatory-reblog gifset, this one by @mellxncollie, which is SO beautiful and should be in an art gallery and truly such an honour to bestow upon my little words 💛

We Glimpse Each Other Out of Phase (T, 3.7k, Charles/Edwin)

Another little instalment in the Alive AU of Something I Can Turn To, this time a bittersweet domestic scene on a sleepless night in the kitchen.

Wise Men Build Their Houses on Rocks While the Rest of Us Settle for Skeletons (M, 2.2k, Cat King/Edwin)

First foray into Catwin! (or at least first on the main account 😉) Edwin digs through the Cat King's magical artifacts; and finds an ominous relic of his past lives.

Sink Your Teeth Right Through My Bones, Baby (M, 0.6k, Charles/Edwin)

First of the spotify wrapped inspired ficlets! A little glimpse into Edwin's mind as he and Charles cautiously approach a new dynamic in the bedroom.

Looks Like We’re In for Nasty Weather (T, 0.6k, Charles/Edwin)

Wrapped ficlet. Edwin and Charles brace themselves in the face of an ominous supernatural storm brewing.

Keep Me Warm, Love Me Long, Be My Sunlight (T, 1k, Cat King/Edwin/Charles)

Wrapped ficlet, and preview of the Ghostcat 1920s AU currently in the works by myself, @dear-monday and @tw0-ravens! In a sun-drenched loft in the last days of summer, Thomas contemplates what he has, and when he'll lose it.

Should I Cool It, or Should I Blow? (M, 1.9k, Cat King/Charles)

Wrapped ficlet. The Cat King confronts Charles after another little enemies-with-benefits hook-up for a little clarification on what, exactly, he's doing with his life.

And that about wraps it up for 2024! But I'll keep adding underneath this post when I inevitably write more -- so I'll be seeing you guys in '25! 🥰 Thank you thank you THANK YOU everyone who's shown me such incredible support over this year, this has been such an unbelievably fun fandom experience and I'm excited to sink my teeth into even more and longer fics next year 💛💛💛

My 2024 Writing Stats:

Works Published: 19 Word Count: 89,859 Top 3 fics (by kudos): 1. Outside Looking In 2. No Rehearsing It, No Reversing It 3. The Scenic Route

[youchangedmedestiel]

I have 5 different fic ideas writing down in my phone memo. They all came to me in the space of a week.

I think I'm cursed with ideas and no time to explore them.

[captainhysunstuff]

A reactionary comic about rereading a fic that I recently recommended that was way darker than I remembered, lol. I still love it for how they pretty much drive each other crazy, but that word choice and the consent issues... *cringes* At least there are valid warnings beforehand, and the first fic was pretty PG. Sorry. *laughs sheepishly*

[polysyndetonaddictsupportgroup]

Just finished reading pez dispenser debris.

Firstly: crying, screaming, throwing up, ball’s to the wall insane. I am taking this fic between my teeth and shaking it furiously like a dog with its favorite toy. I am running circles in my enclosure just to bleed off some of the emotions this experience has given me.

Secondly: this fic is heart wrenching. All of the things I would’ve wished had been addressed in canon content of BNHA. How does Horikoshi throw away one of the biggest points that enraptures the audience into caring about Izuku? How does the narrative seemingly forget the entire reason he was so fervent in chasing his dream as a hero? I think this is one of the biggest gripes I have about the series, and it’s the one that’s only ever been remedied by amazing fic writers like you.

How do you face the part of yourself you’ve seemingly buried and forgotten? How do you come to terms with the fact that horrible things happened to you by no fault of your own? What’s the fallout of realizing that the people who should’ve cared and protected you might’ve also been hurting you all along?

Where do you even begin in this entire mess?

A part of me, despite the fantastical elements of the medium itself, feels so incredibly seen by this. It’s incredibly difficult, making amends with the part of yourself that was so deeply hurt in the past. It’s a part of life, i think, to learn to walk beside that part of you, to lay it to rest and acknowledge that it will always be there. Izuku, of course, has done none of this, and in this lies the crutch of the matter that’s the center of this fic. I’m happy I stumbled across this fic, even though I haven’t consumed BNHA content in years.

That being said, do you allow any works inspired by your own? I need to put down some of the emotional toll this fic has done to me on paper. Apologies for the ramble, i am just really passionate about this fic. Hope to see more of your work in the future!

I’m so so happy you like it! I wanted pez dispenser debris to be this horrible reconciliation with the part of you that was still hurt and mad about it, and I’m so glad that resonated.

And absolutely, go for it! I’m thrilled it made enough of an impact to make you want to make something too. I do usually ask that you stick in a note or link or something giving credit to the original fic, and if you’re comfortable with it, send me a link to anything you publish and I’d love to boost it here!

[sysig]

What are some rare characters you love that you think people don’t draw or write about enough

Do Max and Dex count I love them and I feel like I'm approximately 80% of the Helix fandom rn lol

Doug Peterson and Russ Frushtick from Law Abiding Citizen - the fandom has gotten real quiet over time but I still love them so much ♥ There's a lot you can read into or leave silly with their dynamic, I still wholeheartedly recommend the emerge, transformed series as one of my favourite interpretations of Russ especially 💕

The Editor from Jazzpunk - he's just a silly little guy! It's honestly such a shame that he's only really in the last chapter, I would love to see him explored more, he's the worst ♪

Tatsumi Souichi from Koisuru Boukun - genuinely one of my all-time favourite characters, and The Only Good Tsundere as far as I'm concerned lol. I'm gonna write about him! I've got my fanfic and video essay sitting in my drafts, but like agh!! He's so interesting!!! So beautifully flawed - he's internally consistent which is my Favourite - and watching him grow and change while still being himself over literal years has been a truly unparalleled experience as a reader 💖

Luke Wigglebig and Florette from Pajama Sam: You Are What You Eat From Your Head To Your Feet - I joked before about being the only person on the internet who ships them but like, I'm pretty sure that's actually true lol. Even just more fanart of them by themselves would make me happy, they're so cute!! Especially Luke, his design is adorable

And then probably a more well-known one but I haven't been following his fandom popularity lately haha, Fai D. Flowrite from Tsubasa - him, Nova, and Watanuki move in and out of being my CLAMP faves, though Fai is probably the most complex of the three of them. And he's a trash man! A garbage fire of a wizard ♥ I love him

[theokusgallery]

God I've been listening to Wolves Run Together today and I'm back to thinking about the lines

If all the good in me is because of you // Are you to blame for the bad, too? // 'Cause I've walked holes inside my shoes for you

Because like??? Oh my god????? I feel like it's something that could be said from either Nick or Sun's perspectives, like how the whole song is almost like a duet between the two of them

Nick knows how far he's gone but doesn't quite care, but I think it'd be interesting if he's very aware of the hole he's dug for himself. No way but down for him in his mind; besides, he's happier for it, so why the hell not?

And for Sun, its like he knows he's surrendering himself entirely to Nick, but chooses to anyways. Much like his partner, this is something he finds happiness and comfort and safety in. He would rather have this known environment than taking his chances without him, even if this environment is very much a toxic one.

The two make each other happy, but they also know they're slowly killing one another with their horrible habits. It's not like they'll stop though, they're too far gone.

God I love dynamics like this HDHSHDHFJF

(also I think Nick and Sun would make for fantastic OCs given how far their personalities are being pushed from canon. You don't have to, of course, but I think it could give you a lot of freedom!)

YES YES YES THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I LOVE ABOUT THEM

The thing is that... Especially for Sunny, but for both of them— they know they're not... healthy. They're horrible for each other, but that's why they're good for each other, they're— they fit together. They'll both go to terrible, terrible lengths for one another, but at least they'll do it together. It's unhealthy, but it's... consensually unhealthy. If that's even a thing. They're both like candles constantly fueling each other's flame, and they are melting, but boy do they love the burn. They're horrible for each other because they fit so well together.

They make each other so so much worse but they fucking love it (for Sunny, despite himself; for Nick, completely by choice).

[eveninglottie]

.

[jemichi90]

Now that there is no question about it - the homemade version of the story is way more interesting and fun than what we got in "canon" - I kind of want to get myself a few of these and put this alternate reality on display.

While I'm at it, you can also get these (and some other SW Rebels / Thrawn goodies) from my Redbubble store: https://www.redbubble.com/people/jemichi/shop

[kariachi]

So, guess who got hit with so many words of Kevin Pain.

In which Kevin fucking breaks.

Warning: Hits on abuse, depression, and implied child neglect and suicidal thoughts.

Not Gwvin-friendly.

~~

It was the zoo that broke him.

Well, that was unfair. He’d been breaking, piece by piece, flaking apart to expose something raw and bleeding. The sort of old, weeping wound he could bandage and bandage but never heal, not when the world kept slamming against it, when he was always resisting the urge not to dig at it, when people kept insisting they were helping by carving their names in. When nobody, nothing, would let it scab over.

(‘If you would just let me help you, we wouldn’t be having these problems.’)

And it had just been getting worse. Slowly, ploddingly. Hands got heavier, expectations got higher. A blow and an hour and ‘why are you so quiet’. His jokes weren’t funny, why wasn’t he telling them. He had awful taste in friends, he should make more friends, no not those ones. His opinion was wanted, his opinion was wrong. He should feel bad, he was a bad person. He shouldn’t feel bad, he wasn’t well. He just had to be Good. Good meant not being Bad. Good meant agreeing. Good meant doing as he was told. Good meant she was happy. Good stabbed into infected flesh like a knife.

(‘I’m worried about you,’ she says as he tries to ignore how it hurts to move his arm, the bruise forming at the joint, ‘you’ve been shutting me out and I need to know why.’)

(He needs to see a shrink. No, not that one, she’ll find him a Good one.)

All he’d wanted was to treat himself. Just one day, all on his own, doing something that couldn’t be judged. No questions about friends with a single right answer that wouldn’t be believed anyway. No scowl because a car he’d snapped a picture of had a hot chick on the hood. No crossed arms asking with a half-real smile if he’d done anything immoral. Nothing that would give fuel, nothing that would start trouble, just a nice, long day at the zoo.

He’d been excited. It was going to be like those rare times his dad had taken him, where he could meander where he wanted at whatever pace he wanted with nobody there to care. If he wanted to stand at the giraffe or tortoise or whatever enclosures for half an hour, watching how they moved and turning over how he would translate it to machine, he could do that. Had even gotten himself a notebook, he’d never been good at freehand drawing but he could do well enough for a nice day out and notes for potential projects. It would be better, even, because he had money now and wouldn’t be going hungry in exchange for the trip. He could grab lunch when he wanted, where he wanted. He would leave and come back, without worrying about where he’d been or wasting all the day. Just the thought had helped to bandage up his pain.

And then she’d shown up at his apartment that morning. Cleared her schedule so they could go together. And he had just stared at her.

(‘It’s not good for you to be spending so much time alone.’)

Stared and felt the bandages fall away. Thought of the times they’d been before. Of impatience, broken promises to double back around later. Of half-assed zoo food eaten when she or her cousin got hungry, because until then it was nearly lunch time and what was the point of leaving to come back. Of how ‘together’ meant they travelled at her pace, no lingering behind, no going ahead. Good meant she was happy, she was happy meant whatever she wanted. Meant an undercurrent to his happiness that she was doing him a favor, that this wasn’t needed, he owed her for standing at the same enclosure for five minutes, for indulging he and her cousin’s joking around. Passing figures, statues, displays in the gift shop and burning with the knowledge he could make better if he could have some time to study. Paying for her books and gifts for her brother with a conman’s smile. Listening all the way home to how much fun she had while all he wanted was to turn around and see all the shows she was fine with missing.

Hating himself for not being satisfied.

(‘If you could stop thinking of yourself for ten minutes-’)

With the size of the gaping wound on his heart, it was amazing he’d managed to turn away, to call Zed. Get in the car and lock the doors. Pull away with her yelling after him. That he didn’t fall apart as he shut down his phone on call three. As he drove drove drove. Didn’t go to the zoo like he’d wanted so back. Didn’t go anywhere.

(He resists the urge to rub where it had hit, refusing to make a scene, as he puts the book back on the shelf and hopes that’s where she’ll expect it to be.)

He couldn’t even get a day.

(‘You know how much it hurts her when you get in these moods,’ Ben says and he wants to scream about how he’s hurting. It doesn’t matter though- it’s never mattered, he’s never mattered, except for how he can make up for being him. Ben slumps with a sigh like he can see it on his face, wraps his arms around him. ‘It’s gonna be okay, Kev,’ he says, and he has to know it’s a lie.)

Not even a single damn day.

(‘Why do I bother,’ she asks as he picks himself up off the floor and in his head he calls it teasing. Argit says it and is teasing. Ben says it and is teasing. They smile and laugh, shake their heads and punch his arm, nuzzle his throat. She doesn’t smile.)

He ached, from their last fight, from driving so long, from the hole in his chest, from not being able to cry, to scream, to breathe-

(He cleans himself up as best he can, one eye on the clock. She can’t know he was crying, or she’ll want to know. Insist on knowing why. And that would break her heart. He didn’t want to hurt her. Better to just be a man about it.)

He didn’t stop driving until he hit Panama City, far enough to curl up and sob himself hoarse. Zed kept him out of the Pacific.

She was a good girl.

(‘Hey, Kev, remember what you promised me?’ Even as his stomach sinks, Kevin smiles as he looks up from his half of the repair work, the lie he’ll tell back home already tumbling in his head. It doesn’t last, not when he sees the look on Argit’s face, the one when he’s trying to play cool but is so so worried. ‘I remember,’ he find himself saying, and willing himself to be honest. ‘Don’t worry.’)

(‘I love you,’ she says and it doesn’t warm him anymore. He doesn’t know when it stopped, when what had been a bright light that made everything okay had turned into a brand on his heart. He should be happy, he should be satisfied, this is better than he deserves- Smiling, he pulls the covers tighter, buries his face in her hair. ‘I love you too.’)

He doesn’t turn his phone back on until Buenos Aires.

[000marie198]

At the risk of sounding mean, I really really wish I didn't have to read subtle complaints and author bashing of My Arms are Blue in almost every single chapter of the unofficial fan sequal of My Arms are Blue

Like girl plz chill, the og author didn't even plan to take the story in this direction stop complaining by bashing them in the continuation of their own story