#i literally felt like my brain had a good exercise (i only feel that when I solve a complicated math equation btw)

[hualianschild]

link click s2 is literally the best thing I've EVER watched in my life, it felt like a big movie with lots of plot twists THAT KEPT ME ON MY TOES ISTG every episode had me holding my breath and then releasing it in a gasp CUZ EVERY EPISODE ENDS WITH A GODDAMN CLIFFHANGER, plot twist after plot twist that makes so much sense but kept my brain running like I could feel my brain cogs moving and oh i loved that feeling so much I LOVED THIS SEASON SO MUCH ACTUALLY, it made me cry, made me confused, made me feel the pain cuz oof the violent scenes were so realistic, made me feel bad for everyone (except for the antagonist and that one disgusting husband) and made me feel relief so comforting (just to be ruined by another plot twist) ah I wish I could watch this for the first time again BEST SEASON OF ANY SERIES EVERRRR

[curio-queries]

ARE YOU SURE?!

Episode 4 production Notes

Again, I genuinely didn't think I'd have anything to say at this point about this episode. I had such a good time the first time I watched it, just smiling the whole way through. There is one thing that did stick in my brain a little bit though so here I am again with another post.

Episode Break Points

We honestly can't be making any final conclusions at this point but there is starting to emerge a picture of how the production team approached the development of this show as an episodic release. The question that was rattling around my brain after watching episode 4 was how they are choosing their cut points between episodes. We really only have three data points right now which is not enough to definitively identify their intent but it does start to paint the picture a little bit. Sometimes, the break point is beyond obvious, like cutting ep.2 at the end of the USA trip. But when there's not a definitive line, a choice has to be made when to bring one episode to a close and start another.

Some shows use the changing of the day as a break point but that's not necessarily always the best choice to make for the narrative of the show. For example, the break between eps 1 and 2 is in the morning after JK has his coffee and makes the stone tower. This better served the momentum of the episode and wrapped up the story beat of JM's rough night. Ep 2 then starts on a high note with JK's motorbike ride. In my opinion, this was an excellent choice as we close ep.1 feeling all cozy and ep.2 begins with a little bit of excitement.

A Look Back

So why am I bringing this up now? It's because I was so confused as the choice of when to break these two episodes. I don't know if I've decided if it was good/bad/somewhere-in-between but I absolutely was not expecting Episode 4 to start the way it did. Ep 3 ends at the Go Karts and feels like a complete story beat. While ep 4 starts with the drive to the Omakase.

To me, it feels like we're picking up on the last remains of the previous episode and not starting a new section. Which is honestly, kind of counterintuitive. Why would it feel like that? They're literally on their way to the next activity. I suspect it has more to do with the tonal momentum. The guys are still coming down from all of the energy they expended from Rock Climbing and racing and are having a well-deserved relaxing drive. Even the brief moments we see of JK on the motorbike are quite chill. (mostly because there's not really a great way to get action footage on a bike in the dark lol).

So...to see if I could support my suspicion, or if I was just bringing something else into my viewing experience, I decided to rewatch the whole series so far and rank every story beat on a scale for how energetic/intense I felt the narrative was supporting.

A couple of notes before you judge my rankings:

This data is the very definition of subjective. if I redid this same exercise even the next day, I'm sure I would disagree with myself on certain rankings so you certainly don't have to agree with my rankings.

If a storybeat had a noticeable tonal shift, I entered it twice and included both rankings. If it just varied a bit, I entered a ranking more representative of the scene as a whole.

This won't be reflective of the time occupied by each story beat. Some sections are longer than others but with sustained energy so it doesn't translate in this visual representation how much of an impact on the overall tone of the episode any one of these are.

I also added a star at the end of each episode of my median scores. I feel that this was a better representation of the overall tone of each episode rather than an average but that's just my personal view on this teeny dataset. Please don't come for me analytics folks! This is just a post for funzies, not proper analysis!

So What?

The point was curious about is in the gap between eps 3 & 4. Everywhere else there's a pretty clear shift in the start and end of the energy but that gap looks like it was just a step that was missed in what could have been a continual episode.

Here are the runtimes of each episode so far:

USA: 56 min

USA: 72 Min

Jeju: 56 min

Jeju: 70 min

I don't have any conclusions about why it was done this way other than they felt the tonal break was the sacrifice for keeping the Omakase story line in tact. Which honestly, I agree. There would have been time to include the drive in the previous episode but it would have left us on an unfinished storybeat. This is one of the reasons that we never get footage of the members return trip from their travel shows. Bon Voyage ends every episode with the members remarking on the trip overall. Even though we know they have to return home, we don't see it because that would start to build energy for whatever they're doing next and not the story of their trip.

Even in ITS1 when the members do return home in the middle, we see them packing up and getting in the cars but the episode ends before they really start traveling. (Actually it ends before they even let Jin in the car so they're definitely not on their way yet!)

Commercials?

I have a question for anyone that's watching this with ads. I don't really watch streaming content so I'm curious, do the ad breaks just randomly occur? Or does it seem like they're intentionally scheduled? Building story breaks for commercials was a huge focus of legacy tv and I'd be interested to learn more about how streaming services are incorporating it (not enough to not have commercials though, I get insta-rage when the content I'm consuming is interrupted lol). I vaguely remember getting frustrated when I was attempting to watch something at my parent's over the holidays but I don't recall if it seemed structured or not.

That's it. That's all I've got to say right now. We're definitely getting a lot more to the story of this show and I'm absolutely loving it. I'm going to be away for a bit next week and I honestly don't know when I'll fit in watching episode 5 but I'm very much looking forward to it!

If you've seen this post and are interested in some more of my thoughts on Are You Sure, here's a link to my AYS MasterList. Still can't believe I've rambled so much about this show but it's been fun! Thanks to everyone that's been rambling with me!

[youremyheaven]

Haha ashwaghanda is my savior right now. I was really depressed and neurotic about everything and that made me even more depressed because I knew there was something wrong with me and just wanted to be normal. So I really hated myself.

But I’d tried ashwaghanda in the past but really needed something to help me. (Im not able to see a therapist because I don’t have much money) so I bought a different brand and it literally had changed my life. It’s also mixed with St John’s Wart, which is another herb and helps with depression. But it does interfere with medications so be careful if you take it.

I was afraid to start it because everyone says it can make you numb but it really didn’t for me. I feel more stable and more at peace I guess. Also you’re supposed to cycle it every 3 months or something. Lmao how I first noticed it was working was I noticed my handwriting got suddenly so much neater lol. Like in the past it was messy and illegible, so I was like hold up… why can I actually read what I’m writing. I think it was a reflection of my mental state. I actually understand myself now and in the past few months have genuinely started loving myself. It didn’t make my anxiety go away but I guess I’m able to realize that I can handle it now. So yeah haha my experience is pretty great so far!

thats amazing!!! when i first tried ashwagandha when i was 19-20, i had a really good time, i slept like a baby, i felt calm and generally more at ease etc

but i tried ash again last year and oh boy 😭😭😭

it made me suuuuper foggy and lethargic, i couldnt even stand up to get out of my bed sometimes bc it made me super out of energy,,

a common side effect of ash is anhedonia, which is described as the inability to feel pleasure and a lack of interest in life. i felt that,, its so interesting to me that you mentioned handwriting and how yours got neater because my journal entries from the time are soooo illegible, messy and looks like the textbook definition of someone whose cognitive capacities were impaired 💀💀🤐 it made me anxious asf, my heartbeat would be racing for no reason 💀💀my brain was sooo cloudy, id sit down on my bed and then 5 hours would pass by just like that and i wouldnt even know it 💀💀i felt very woozy, like my room was floating or smthng 😭

i was severely dissociated and extremely fatigued but i will admit that i did take too much of it 💀💀and i didnt cycle it 😭😭

i think different people react differently and its also impacted by our underlying state of mind and general condition i guess.

i did have a good experience with ash the first time around which is why i took it again last year, only to turn into a zombie cause of it lmao ,, it took me months to recover from it 😭😭

im really glad you had a positive experience bestie <333 its wonderful that ash did all that for you!! when it works, its truly incredible!!

to anybody thinking of taking herbal supplements, PLEASE exercise caution, take it in small quantities, do your research on its impact on any specific conditions you have etc

[cowboypossume]

I'm Holding You To That

Hehe! @kamikothe1and0nly asked for a fedex sick fic and I will deliver !! I more went disabled rather than sick becasue that's something I have more experience with! When I'm sick I just pass out for 24 hours and mix medicine and don't talk to anyone, so I don't feel like that would have been the best story.

However, this has been in the drafts for long enough so...

Its time !!

Fitz couldn’t open the front door. 

The keys were in his hands, he was already on the porch, the next step should have been easy: moving. Just two more steps, a slight of the hand and he was inside. 

His vision was starting to blur, though. His heartbeat was too elevated. He knew the signs well. Something was about to go really wrong. 

Dex leaned against the door frame, barely cracking the door open. “We talked about this, Fitzy. You can’t expect your body to just suddenly jump back into full force.” 

“I know.” “Do you?” Dex swung the door open fully and started to walk away. 

“Yes, Deck.” Fitz came inside, barely closing the door behind him. “I’m in the same doctor’s appointments you are.”

Somehow they moved to the kitchen. Fitz knew somewhere that he should pin this and bring it up when his body wasn’t on the verge of collapsing, or he didn’t feel 3 seconds away from throwing up, yet he wanted this fight. It felt easier, somehow. “I know that losing a leg doesn’t mean I can go up from five miles in the morning to seven. I know that my body has 17 and half things wrong with it, and pushing the exercises only makes it worse. I know the same shit you do.”

“So why do you keep trying to over-exert yourself?” Dex’s words were harsh. Sharp and built up. “Why do you push yourself so hard you can’t even come inside the house because your body freezes? Why don’t you try gradually building up? Or any other option. It’s like you don’t care about yourself. Or how it’ll affect me.”

“That’s a bit of a fucking selfish viewpoint. What’s wrong with my body should have more weight than how you feel.”

There was a pause as they’d realized their feet were all-but-touching. 

“Ok, pause.” Dex sighed, taking a step back. “We’ve both had a long morning and this isn’t fair for either of us. Go take a shower, and we’ll come back to this when we’ve cooled down.”

Thirty minutes later, as Dex was plating something off the stove, Fitz sat on the kitchen counter. He was too tired to fully tell what was happening across from him, but it smelled good, and his body was in no position to object. 

The time of transition was filled with the clanging of pots and pans, until Dex handed him a fried egg on toast with something green alongside it. “About before, I know reminding you all the time doesn’t help. I’m just-” Fitz lightly grabbed the snack, putting it on the counter beside him. He brought his head against Dex’s, “Worried. I know. I appreciate that, I really do. But you have to remember this is my body. I've had the same one for 19 years now. I know its signals.”

“I know that, objectively.” Dex squeezed his eyes close and brought his nose against Fitz’s. “And I’m not trying to control you but you’ve said that exact phrase before. And I’ve believed it before. And I don’t want to be overbearing. I just . . .”  

Fitz brought his hand between Dex’s curls. “There was more going on than just my body Dex. We were literally kidnapped and tortured. Of course my health was at risk. ”

Dex wouldn’t look at Fitz. 

“But my gadget still failed you.” 

“Even if they worked we were still being tortured, Dex.” Clearly Fitz wasn’t getting through. He brought him in for a tight hug, trying to get him back. “You’re a wizard with the mechanical stuff, but that doesn’t fix shitty people being shitty. Or trauma being trauma.”

Dex’s head stayed down and his brain was somewhere else. “You’re changing the topic,” he mumbled. 

 Fitz shrugged. “I think it’s related, but we can just not address it, too. I can eat my toast in silence.”

Dex held him to that.

As Fitz washed off the dishes while Dex dried them, he let out a heavy sigh. “I know what happened to us isn’t easy to talk about, but not talking about its effects doesn’t change them. Maybe you’re right; I could be overstepping-” “No. I brought it up. Clearly I have something there that I still haven’t resolved. I just don’t think you and I should be the ones to unpack it in. Especially in the middle of the kitchen while you’re regaining strength from another stupid idea.” Dex winked at that last part. 

Fitz brought him in for a hug. 

“Ok sap,” Dex rolled his eyes. “We’re finishing these dishes.” “And this conversation.”

“Ok but that is going to happen after I go to therapy on Wednesday. We can finish this task now.”

“I’m holding you to that.” Dex kissed his cheek.

And Fitz finally felt safe.

[zuzsenpai]

This is another personal post with TW mental illness. I'm sorry there have been so many recently. I really have nowhere else to put these things. Feel free to ignore.

I don't think my depression has ever been this bad before, in the almost 13 years I've had it. For maybe the past two months it's been steadily growing to a point of intensity that I can't ignore. The absolutely awful feelings won't go away. I can't stop thinking about how miserable I feel.

I can barely take care of myself. I eat takeout every day. There's garbage everywhere at my house. I can't get shit done at work and at some point people are going to notice. I have multiple really REALLY urgent doctor's appointments/calls I HAVE to make (one of which is to my psychiatrist who apparently I'm blocked from messaging on the healthcare app), yet I can't seem to pick up the phone. I am mentally incapable somehow. There's a wall there.

I have been told to exercise and meditate and I physically and mentally cannot. Again, there is a wall.

I have a video game I wanted to play, I try to play it, and I feel completely unattached to it (even though I have loved it in the past). I joined a really exclusive roleplay community for that game and proceeded to be too overwhelmed to make the character application and now the mods are asking me what I want to do. I haven't written fanfiction in two months because of severe burnout, and I miss it so desperately that it's making me realize I might have been using it as a bandaid/distraction. But my brain is so fried that I feel too overwhelmed to write again. People are leaving me nice comments on my fics and I can't even bring myself to read them let alone respond to them. My memory is so bad that I can't remember a lot of what happens in any of my fave series' and I feel like creating good fan content for those things is impossible at this point.

I'm ignoring online friends in my favorite server. I promised multiple IRL friends I would watch animes they like and I am feeling guilty that I mentally cannot do that. I'm dreading the two anime cons I have coming up in March because I don't think I'm going to feel comfortable in my cosplay this year. I have a close friend (who is also my coworker) who keeps trying to get me to do things with her and her husband and I keep turning them down because I'm worried I'll get overwhelmed by social anxiety and general awkwardness. Just the thought of having awkward social interactions is terrifying me and pushing me down harder than it ever has.

I had a boyfriend between October 2022 and December 2023, but I felt like it was a huge chore every time I had to see him and I developed zero feelings for him. I felt repulsed by the thought of us being romantic. We ghosted each other in December and now I feel like shit about it because he may have been the only chance I'll ever have at a relationship... but I also am in such a bad state that it's probably good things are over. Why don't I feel relieved?

I'm having physical tics in my abdomen and jaw that are getting worse and worse to the point of pain and people noticing. I can't talk to literally anyone without sounding upset, negative, angry. I had my best friends from out of state over a few weekends ago and I was so sick the whole time, I felt like I was letting them down. I've been repeating awkward interactions with friends and coworkers over and over in my head to the point where I think about it at night.

I haven't put my Christmas decorations away because I fucking CAN'T.

This week has been particularly bad. Yesterday I was working from home because of snow. When the snow stopped I rushed to my parents' house because I needed to be somewhere with people I know. But I was so negative in how I spoke with them, and it's making me feel even worse. I used to be really talkative and intelligent when having conversations with my family, but depression has taken that away from me pretty badly over the years, to the point where I can barely talk without thinking about how absolutely dreadful I am at conversation.

But today might be the worst of it (unrelated to Valentine's Day, though it certainly isn't helping). It pained me emotionally and physically to get out of bed, and I wanted to take a mental health day. Literally fell back asleep for an hour before I had to get up and DREAMT about taking a mental health day. But being alone at home is actually so much worse than being at work where there are at least people I am comfortable with. So I went in. I have been absolutely bombarded with depressed feelings all day though. I get up to walk down the hall to the bathroom and somehow that feels worse than sitting and staring at my computer without accomplishing anything. I'm sitting here crying at work, completely destroying the four months of tally marks I had for 'days without crying at work'. I didn't break my record, sadly.

I have a therapist. I have an appointment with her today actually. Maybe I'll just read all of this to her. I don't know where it's going to lead or what she's going to tell me to do, but all I want is to walk down the hall to the bathroom and have at least average, neutral emotions instead of carrying a chest full of raging depression. I want to be able to say something happy to someone so that they don't dump me as a friend for being toxically negative. I want to live, and I have things to live for. But damn if this depression isn't making it extremely difficult to enjoy those things.

[siriannatan]

Poking a Dragon - ScfWhimmy

Just a random idea I got. Hope it's as cute as I think it is :D

fWhip could absolutely not focus on his paperwork. He was frankly tempted to close his curtains. And he'd have a good excuse, being a vampire (and half-dragon) to sit in the dark. But he liked to have some semblance of normalcy in his life. Especially when the sun was not beaming at his office window, and would often open it. Mostly out of habit but it felt nice even if he was technically dead. Made him feel like he was never changed. So why?

Because Jimmy and Scott apparently had nothing better to do as rulers than spar in fWhip's gardens. Right where he could see that they decided to, due to nice weather, do it shirtless... Why must the sun literally burn fWhip? Why can't it let him watch his unfairly tall and handsome boyfriends practice with their oversized (for fWhip but what did he know, he preferred the range offered by his crossbow) weapons? Both Scott's rune blade and Jimmy's tide caller trident were as long as their owners were tall. 

The view was so tempting that his tail was long out of his control. Everything around his desk long smacked away as fWhip spend more time staring out his window than at his work. And growling when any of his staff offered them drinks and snacks. But what could he do? He couldn't forbid his staff from stopping his boyfriends from getting a heatstroke. And he couldn't go and... He had no idea what he'd do. Stand and stare there. Drooling or something.

He could send someone to tell them he wants to talk. And paperwork could wait...

So he did. Purposely ignoring Scott looking out his window and waving. Trying to process as many papers as he could before Jimmy and Scott were in his office. He got through a respectable amount before they walked in. 

No weapons in sight - good for fWhip's heart, shirts barely buttoned. Snacks in hand. "I thought you didn't like tropical fruits," he hummed as Scott bit on a banana.

"You don't have many sweets out," the elf pouted. Adorable.

"Staff's in charge since I no longer need food," fWhip grinned, baring his fangs. Jimmy chuckled as Scott took another, aggressive bite. "Why must you two spar in my gardens? Don't you have better places to do that? Where my roses aren't endangered?" he changed the subject.

"We tried but got interrupted every five minutes," Jimmy sighed, flopping to the couch. "And we weren't anywhere near your flower."

fWhip just sighed. Of course, that's why. "So you're just avoiding work?" he hummed as he got his papers in order for tomorrow. Today his dragon brain was more interested in cuddles. "Please let me know you're over next time, so I can prepare the correct snacks at least," he sighed as the two grumbled and complained.

"We didn't want to interrupt, your helpers said you're busy..." Jimmy tried reasoning.

"They said they could ask but we thought you wouldn't mind..." Scott interjected with his most charming smile.

fWhip just sighed. His morons were just so cute. "Next time tell me. I'm not going to look like a bad host if anyone happens to see you two," he shook his head. "And you owe me cuddles, now," he added, hands on hips.

They did not mind after-exercise cuddles. Even if fWhip chased them into a bath first, graciously joining them since he was a good host after asking his staff to bring some cake for Scott. Jimmy would eat literally anything fWhip offered him, in astounding amounts. They even surprised him by almost forcing him into biting them. 'It's only fair since you put so much effort into feeding us,' Scott said over his cake, just before complaining that it had sour cherry jam in it. fWhip happened to like it while he was alive so Scott would have to leave with sweet and sour cake.

[plasmamembranes]

Trigger warning for eating disorder stuff maybe possibly

There's so much shit going on in my life rn that it's actually insane this is what my brain has decided is bothering me the most

But it turns out I've only managed to feel slightly confident in regards to my physical appearance bc I haven't had truly usable mirrors in my house for like 5 years lmfao

My new place has huge wide mirrors in the bathroom and when I caught a glimpse of myself I just felt truly sickened :") between the self harm scars, accumulated scars from other shit bc I'm clumsy and dumb, insane stretch marks, and the effects of gaining and losing the same 50-100 pounds over and over again since I was a teenager thanks to my binge-restrict ED cycle. I just feel like I have destroyed my body like I look like I've fucking had like 10 kids or something

I rapidly lost 80+ pounds last year in no more than three months (really hard to tell the timeframe for sure bc I don't own a scale and go off doctors visits) because I was only eating 1200 calories a day ( when you consider im a large 6' woman and was hustling at a fast food job for over 40 hours a week at the time that's not the best) and the loose skin and stretch marks I have gained because of that is insane. I will never be able to fix this with anything but surgery , which I will never be able to afford. Or I could become obese again to fill myself back out :D

I've been feeling triggered as hell over food again lately and everything regarding that has been pretty diffficult. Which also sucks becauseeee food is also a huge source of comfort for me (until it's not). Been exercising a lot again after I eat meals I deem too large or unhealthy. Have tried to purge again but I literally can't and never have been able to, I guess I don't have a gag reflex. Mostly just abstaining and feeling good about the control

I believe my girlfriend truly does find me attractive, but I'm purely going off faith and evidence here, because I sure as hell don't see it and likely never will again.

At least I know I have an attractive face and look good in clothes, so I do have that going for me

[smukkits]

man. had a worse than useless check up for my medication today.

Literally she was just like running me through So You Have Depression 101. Like, "exercising is good :)" and, "try doing the things you used to love even if you don't feel like it." As if I have not had depression since the 3rd grade and have literally never lived without it. Like I've not been in for treatment a dozen different times and know full well all the additional things I need to be doing to help my mental health. It was the mental illness equivalent of the Ron Swanson "I know more than you" bit. And when I tried to say, "Yes! I am aware all those things help, I am worried because my adhd is not being treated, and I have developed more apathy since I started this medication, so I am a week behind on my comms and have barely been able to finish my work, and am less able to start all those good mental health habits" the response I get is, "If you just tell yourself you'll go for a 5 minute walk once you're out there you'll walk for longer :)" BUDDY. I HAVE EXECUTIVE DYSFUNCTION. TELLING MYSELF I'LL GO FOR A SHORT WALK AND NOT A LONG ONE IS NOT THE THING KEEPING ME FROM TAKING A WALK, THAT IS THE ENTIRE CRUX OF ADHD, THAT I HAVE A DIFFICULT TIME STARTING TASKS. The way she kept saying "things you used to love" pissed me off too because, once again, I have had depression since the 3rd grade. That is not an exaggeration. There is not a time when I "used to love" doing things that is gone now, every thing I love and everything I find joy in is in spite of my mental illness. I clawed at my barren brain until I forced joy out of it, and that effort is being thrown aside because surely the only time a depressed person ever felt joy is when they didn't have depression. You can really just tell that the overhaul of this mental health department was done exclusively for people who got depressed because of the pandemic, not for people with complex or long-term mental illness.

[kikipops117]

Book reports, anyone?

(I've gotta give some loopooong context first so skip this block of text if you wanna get to the action of my words or if you dont want your opinion of me to sour cuz im gonna be brutally honest and not mince words about what drove me to this point :.)

Because of my crusade to spend less time on the internet, I read more books in 2024 than I have cumulatively in years. And it altered my brain chemistry. In a good way. Maybe "healed" is a better word for it.

I know I am not alone in the camp of people who got out of high school and suddenly became starved for the drive to read. Devouring books as if I needed them to breathe was a hallmark of my childhood, and it was scary how easily I just fell into quitting and didn't even notice it. As a kid, I would finish a book and felt as if I'd lost a limb until I found another story to jump into. But I stepped out of my childhood bliss and into grown-up care, and it's like one day I woke up and didn't need to breathe anymore. I became an adult without holding on to what used to be a load-bearing facet of my life. Sure, I'd occasionally re-read the classics (LOTR and Hunger Games mostly), but I didn't pick up anything new, and I didn't want to. All the while, my screen time crept higher and higher.

The only thing that opened my eyes to what was, by all evidence, a phone addiction, was the sudden realization that I could no longer be content inside my head. I needed overstimulatuon to feel at ease. I needed tiktok on in the background while I ate, worked, exercised. I started writing again, and when I instinctually reached for my phone and told myself no, I got irritable and fussy like a smoker being cut off from their nicotine. I would watch movies on my phone and during slow moments I would literally swipe up on habit, trying to get a hit of dopamine from something shocking and fast, only to realize what I'd done and feel all kinds of shame and embarrassment. Something needed to change.

In 2023 I decided to try to read more. It went okay, I was able to finish 2 or 3 books, but I didn't cut off my internet addiction. I was living alone in a house with no wifi. My only connection to the internet, my friends, news, was social media. My screen time got worse and worse as I packed my reading ajd writing so tightly between my scrolling sessions that I had little time for anything else, and my brain was asphyxiating.

In 2024, Akane and I moved into a house together, and because she needs internet to function, we got wifi. A first for me in almost 4 years. Up until that point, all of my writing had to be done on my smartphone. I had a little Bluetooth keyboard I'd hook up to it, and I literally wrote two rough drafts for novels purely on my phone. So to be able to write from the comfort of my laptop with my phone on silent across the room felt liberating. As if I'd written the prior two novels under the oppressive thumb of an abusive overseer who so graciously allowed me just enough free time to think for myself so long as I paid my dues by scrolling for hours on end once I was put of steam. I was so codependent on short-form content and staring at my phone. My cell was like my only lifeline to my faraway friends (during the pandemic I was forced to move somewhere remote and at least 300 miles in any direction from any friends). It was also my only key to my greatest passion, which is writing. I couldn't just turn away from it! That would be like asking a fish never to breathe water again, but leaving him in the tank to tread with his gills above water.

Encouraged by my newfound freedom from my phone, I decided this year to do something drastic. I had a tiktok page (not the one you will find under my name now, btw,) that was like my video journal to all the hoopla that goes on in my life. I had a few thousand followers and a few million likes and views. It was doing really well and it was on the up. I decided to delete it. (I'm ashamed to admit that it was only this past month that I found the courage to remove Instagram from my phone as well once I found myself sneaking back into reels in order to get to short-form content. I'd kept Instagram because I told myself that I needed to keep up with the lives of my friends. Then I realized that I already spoke every day to my closest circle via text and I was kidding myself if i thought I needed insta to stay close to them.)

With the section of my brain usually devoted to processing endless tiktoks suddenly freed up, I found myself pondering a new writing project. This was unlike anything I'd worked on before, and it was the first concept I'd had in years that sparked such intense excitement and passion. I began writing and found the process easier than ever. But as I went, I became acutely aware that I had ZERO comp-titles for this project that I wished to someday query. (For those who don't know, a comp title is a preexisting book or work that is comparable to your project. When you are looking for an agent or publisher for your book they want you to give them a list of comp titles so they know what your target audience is going to be and how best to market it.)

I didn't have any comp titles because I hadn't read anything in years. And years. How could I dream so much about entering the space of authors when I'd neglected that world for so long? That would be like Ariel wishing to walk on land all of her life but never exploring ship wreckage or breaking the surface to talk to Skuttle.

Additionally, I found myself writing in a way that felt repetitive. Why did everything sound the same? Why was I leaning on a handful of descriptors and metaphors? Because I couldn't remember how books were supposed to feel. I believe it was Stephen King who said that the best advice he can give to authors is to read? Well, I knew then that I needed to read.

But I felt intimidated.

I'm not into "spicy" reading, and the only exposure I'd had to the literary space for the past several years was what I occasionally brushed up against online on Booktok. It was hard not to feel like the entire culture around reading had turned into fairy porn while I was away, lol. Which is not bad! But that's not what I want to write about or read. So I was uncertain where I should start. I can't exactly remember what I did, but I an pretty sure I Google something stupid like "best fiction novels of the past 5 years" and decided to start there. I got my hands on Project Hail Mary, Tress of the Emerald Sea, and This Woven Kingdom.

People often use an analogy to express how easy it should be to pick up where you started on a hobby. "It's like riding a bike! You just don't forget!" Well, I've never related to that stupid analogy because it took me forever to learn how to ride a bike, me being an anxious amd clumsy kid, and after I finally figured it out when I was eight, two weeks later I shattered five bones in my foot while tripping over a dog and had to spend the summer in a hard foot cast. By the time I was finally free, I'd completely forgotten how to ride a bike and had to start the whole scary and traumatizing process all over again.

That's kinda how I felt this past year. In a fit of binging, I tore through Project Hail Mary and Tress, and went on to Yumi and The Nightmare Painter and it was so stinking hard! Even though I was obsessed with the story, I still had to put it down for long periods of time and it took me a while to finish it. It wasn't until this past summer when my sister came to visit and suggested I read, of all books, Twilight, that something finally clicked into place.

Okay. I know what you're thinking. Please don't judge. Hear me out.

I've never read Twilight. My sister was obsessed with them when we were girls but I was into other things. But the movies were a regular occurrence in my house and I went with my sister and mom to see all of the movies in theaters (except for Breaking Dawn part 1. I didn't see that one, so when I went with them to see part 2 I was MAD confused the whole time lol)

When my sister came to visit this summer, she wanted to do a Twilight movie marathon and I was all in. The movies remind me of simpler times, and we had a ball watching and laughing as adults with fully developed frontal lobes and a soft spot for nostalgia.

When she left, she told me I needed to read the books so we could better commiserate and I finally folded. I hopped on Thriftbooks (not a sponsor but I ADORE thriftbooks and would love for them to hmu someday lol) and I was able to get all 4 books for like, $20 with one of the sales they put on.

I read the first book and wow. I will withhold my opinion on it for now (you'll understand why later). I didn't want to jump right into the second book, I needed a pallet cleanser. But I was really loving the nostalgic feeling I got from Twilight. It kept me reading so avidly because the story was not intimidating and there was a sense of comfort and familiarity mixed with the newness. So I decided to pursue that line of thinking and read something that would give me the same feeling.

ENTER THE HALO BOOKS.

If you've found my trashy side blog, then you know by now how obsessed I am with the halo video games (CE, 2, 3, ODST, Reach, and Red vs Blue specifically). My sister read a few of the books when we were kids but I never did. I have dyslexia, and it was REALLY bad for me when I was little. It took me until 5th grade to start reading for fun, and I decided as a kid that I didn't want to deal with all of the science stuff in the Halo books when I could be reading about drsgons and wizards and junk.

So I'd never read the books despite my adoration of the games, and the series felt like it would be the perfect mix of nostalgia and intrigue to get me into it.

I was not anticipating the sorrows™️

I read the Fall of Reach and was devastated, of course. But I was obsessed and had to keep going. So I read The Flood next. Also heart wrenching. I needed a break from all the sadness and read New Moon (twilight 2) and once again, mixed with so much nostalgia and frustration with the characters lol.

This brings us up to the present day.

In search of something that wouldn't be so heavy as the Halo books and so infuriating as the Twilight books, I decided to read Interview with the Vampire this past week, with zero context about the content or tone of the book. I chose it simply because I love vampires and the book I'm writing is about a vampire and when researching the best works of fiction about vampires, Anne Rice's works are in the top list of contenders.

I cracked open my Thriftbooks copy of IWTV on Wednesday, and I finished it late last night. I couldn't put it down. I. Am. Obsessed. The prose. The story. The way that it made me uncomfortable at times, the way it totally should, and made me just swoon with how stinking pretty the writing is. I love the introspection, the exploration of morals and purpose. I am going to digress here because the purpose of this blog post is not to review IWTV but suffice it to say, I loved.

I finished reading late last night and felt the feverish need to share my feelings with SOMEONE. obviously I'm a little late in the game for this book though. It came out in the 70s. But I couldn't shake the feeling that I needed to put my thoughts on what I'm reading somewhere. I am an avid journaler, but I give her a play by play as I'm reading. The eloquence of IWTV felt almost like I was reading a book for a literature or philosophy class, it was so gorgeous and explored such themes. So naturally, my train of thought arrived at the conclusion that I needed to write a book report.

That is why I wrote this long blog post. Because I am here to tell you that I am going to start writing little baby book reports on what I read! Because I want to!

So, if you're interested to know what I'm reading these days and how i feel about it, then you're gonna be fed because I'm cooking. I have found more lasting dopamine and joy in reading books this past year than I ever did scrolling or posting on tiktok. I've felt a stronger connection with my sister, mom, and friends as we talk and gush about what I've been reading. I finish a reading session, and I feel like my mind is invigorated, not numb. I'm inspired to imagine and think and create, as opposed to the bitter addiction that scrolling trapped me in that kepy me hungry to consume. Never ending. I can chronical my entertainment with narrative start and finishe, which satisfies and inspired in a way that hours and hours online can never replicate.

If you're looking for a sign to do as I've done, then please consider this it. And consider me an ally along the way, because it was hard. But so so rewarding.

That's all! :) thanks for reading

[daezedglownut]

Vent post, fyi if you want to keep scrolling lol

Waiting for the diazepam to kick in and alleviate some of this chronic pain. Not just my dicky neck, but also my lower back too. God forbid I have a lie-in for once in my life. Apparently my body can only ever be in constant pain, or (in very rare instances) “too relaxed” - which leads to me rolling over in bed and inevitably slipping something and spending the next week in varying degrees of agony.

Last physio was useless. Was referred by the hospital on the understanding that the physio people would be able to refer me for scans and possible injections because of the nerve pains and weakness in my hands.

Only to be told by the physio “no, we don’t do that”, which suddenly changed to “well, we COULD technically, but if that car crash you were in years ago broke anything, that would’ve healed by now, so a scan is just a waste of time/money. Anyway, let’s give you all these exercises you’ve already done ad nauseam that haven’t improved your quality of life whatsoever :)”

Not to mention I have to ration pain pills and muscle relaxants because if I went to the doctor every time I had indescribably pain that almost makes me call in sick at work, I’m made to feel like a junkie chasing their next fix.

All I saw during this last group physio appointment was middle aged people considerably overweight, taking shit like tramadol and gabapentin or pregabalin, and jfc it was like I could see my inevitable future bc my only coping mechanism rn is comfort eating that’s evolved over the years into what I’m pretty sure is binge eating disorder, and I miss the days when I was almost thin, and could walk over 10,000 steps every day, and my lower back only felt a little tight sometimes - not this living hell I’m in right now. And if I see one more fuck say “well you can be obese and healthy actually uwu” I’m gonna McFucking Lose It because I’m one BMI point into obese territory rn and I have never felt so fucking bad in my life.

If I’m addicted to anything, it’s high sugar, refined carbs, and that shit is poison plain and simple. There was a time where I had the willpower to consume the tiniest amount of that shit, and felt infinitely better. I didn’t have brain fog. I wasn’t angry all the time. My general mood wasn’t as reactionary to stress. Even my autism wasn’t as easily triggered by sounds or stresses. I felt fucking fantastic.

And I can’t even begin to drag myself back into that way of living. I’ve been sad and fat and overeating and in pain for too long. It’s easier than ever to make excuses and not go for a long walk - because as amazing as I feel right after, the next day I’ll be paying for it as my entire body protests trying to get out of bed.

The last thing my hyper mobile joints need is for me to be sedentary. I literally need to build muscle around them for the pain to lessen or go away completely. But I’m at fucking rock bottom, and all the doctors seem to want to prescribe me like candy is fucking antidepressants - which I won’t fucking take ever again because every single one does not agree with my autism - and don’t start me on how the only ones left that I haven’t tried are all anti-cholineric. Like I need the fucking added worry that being on that shit long-term could amp up my risk of getting dementia later on in life. No fucking thank you.

The only good habit I’ve been able to maintain recently is taking my various multivitamins every day without fail. But I still feel drained and depleted and haven’t the energy to do anything - and so I’ve also become addicted to high caffeine energy drinks. The best thing I can say is that they’re sugar free, but that’s little comfort given that my cause of death will probably be my heart exploding someday 🙃

[watery-pancake]

recently ive realized just how bad my memory has become from smoking weed, so i finally decided enough's enough. finished my last edible, hit my pen for the last time. it's come to the point where even the most basic memory recall is a struggle for me. the other day i started panicking bc i couldnt find my phone... while watching tiktoks

however, the problem still arises with my crippling anxiety and neverending thoughts. nothing can stop my brain. so i resorted to the last thing i would normally do: exercise. i say last thing bc normally w my brain it literally petrifies me to the point that ill be physically unable to do anything. my mind is being rotted by how terrible the thoughts are, even when i try to distract myself they just come back. ill be laying in bed, my fingers and toes cold as ice, stuck with the heavy feeling in my chest as if im on the brink of a heart attack. stuck, paralyzed in my bed. my tomb until the waves pass

the other day i borrowed a weight adjustable kettleball from my brother. 20lbs for now, if i remember right. my original plan was to just use it to help with the pain in my left shoulder since my muscles are more than likely atrophied from the sheer amount of time ive spent in my bed in pain.

its so fucking hard to exercise when my spine is screwed in place with titanium, my lower spine has a curve, and my thyroid disorder removes all my energy. no workout i could find was helping

the other night i had another anxiety attack. in my bed, crippled once again. i used the kettleball, and the blood flow helped. did some core workouts on my old yoga mat, and it helped even more. did some stretches, and i was all right. laid in my bed, and right before i could sleep it happened again, and i repeated my routine.

its so funny to me. it was on this same yoga mat i found out i had scoliosis. my mom bullied me for years that the pain in my back was just from weight, so at the ripe age of 10 i started dieting. it was only when i bent over on the yoga mat that she saw how fucked up my posture was. it feels like yesterday she was angrily pleading with me to just straighten my posture. it never straightened, even now. all that weight i gained was never my fault either, it was my thyroid disorder forcing me to gorge myself until i felt like throwing up, and still feeling unsatiated. hungry.

it feels nice to find a new habit that works for me. a healthy one, at that. finally i have something that can help with my pain, mental and physical. mostly mental lol. its nice. next step: finally quitting nicotine for good. not "quitting" but frfr quitting. not a couple puffs a day. not a puff a day. nothing. no more lies. im getting off nic, and improving my health. i want to be able to look at my lover, my family, and my friends and finally be honest when i say "ew no i dont smoke". i WILL get better!!!!!!!!!!!!

[jodilin65]

Even more exhausted today as the sleep debt mounts, and the storms keep waking me up. Oh, to be able to sleep at night when the storms and motorcycles are much less likely to disturb me.

I crashed around 3:00, but just two hours later, we had a power failure for the second day in a row. After waking up from a dream where the good Kim was telling me she was worried about getting fired from her job—maybe she was some kind of whistleblower—I managed to fall back asleep.

Then the thunder began, and I was up for hours before finally dozing off again. By that time, my lungs were tight, and my back hurt like hell. When my lungs get really tight, I sometimes feel pain between my shoulder blades, as if I were karate chopped there. Good thing I just got a new inhaler because I needed it. I took half a melatonin and a couple of ibuprofen for the pain.

As is usually the case when my sleep gets interrupted, I finally dragged myself out of bed shortly before 2:00 a.m., utterly exhausted. I tried to nap a few times but couldn’t, despite being so tired.

The last time I got up, it was after dreaming that it was 2029. In 2026, I had a scary medical event, and I was thinking about how it had already been three years and how time was flying. I don’t think anything could scare me as much as what happened in 2014.

When the thunder wakes me up again tonight, I’m sure I’ll be even more exhausted. I swear, every time I seem to get on a roll with energy, storms or nightmares knock me off track. I’m so sick of this and not being able to take up any other form of exercise consistently, knowing I wouldn’t be able to stick to it often enough to really benefit. I can’t go into strength training like this, I can’t get back on the vibration platform, and I can’t walk or jog consistently. The glider is better than nothing, but I don’t think I’ll have the energy for that today. I only got a few miles in yesterday too. Finished the New York and UK rides and just started Australia.

I was thinking back to the times in my 20s and 30s when my sleep would be broken up by asthma attacks before I quit smoking. For the most part, once I settled the attack, I was able to go back to sleep and usually felt okay once I got up. Why has it gotten so hard for me to handle broken sleep? I swear the NHA or jail would literally kill me these days. Literally. I just don’t get why it’s gotten so hard for me to handle sleep disturbances and sleeping in chunks. I know I’m older, but still. Perhaps sleep apnea and my thyroid really do affect me more than I gave them credit for, and they’re just throwing fuel on the fire. I wish I could know if the Inspire would help.

I still wonder about the possibility of something cursing my sleep. If that’s the case, it’s going to bypass anything I do to try to help myself.

I’m even more convinced there’s no God. With each passing year, I’m more and more convinced of this, and I figure I’ll eventually become 100% convinced. I’m at about 90% now. That’s because I prayed to whatever may be out there to please not let my sleep be disrupted since I was so tired and needed to catch up.

Okay, help me out here. If there really were a God, why would He say no to that? Why would He be like, “Nah, fuck your sleep. I don’t care if you get woken up; I’m going to let it happen.”

So yeah, I’m a little more convinced nothing’s up there and that the stories I’ve heard about people who claim to have been in the afterlife while they were temporarily clinically dead are just hallucinations that seemed so real they believed what they saw was real. The brain is a very weird and complex thing that we don’t fully understand.

Anyway, Tom is slowly fixing the wall tiles I messed up and is doing a much better job of it than I ever could. I’m great at home decorating, but not at home improvements.

We took out the center leaf of the table, and it really opens up the kitchen. It’s so nice to be able to walk around the table to get to the cabinets and shelves.

[dragoninahumancostume]

I went with my psychologist the other day and I started wondering what the fuck am I even doing there

This is a bit of a rant btw

Like do I need help? Yeah

Has she helped me enough to say it's worth it? Not even close. She told me "breathe. Focus on your body. Think of things that relax you." ma'am do you realize how hard it is for me to NOT focus on my body? There's almost always at least one part in pain

Also she kinda told me I'm autistic. But she doesn't say autistic because "that's the extreme when they don't talk and are always on their own world!" so she calls me neurodivergent instead. I'm not a professional, but that definition just feels wrong??? Also she said it's not a disability which I tried to disagree and tell her that it depends on how hard it makes your life. Like there's even autistic people that say it's a disability for them

Also she got upset when I told her that I forgot the things she told me about the parts of the brain. Ma'am, I can very well say some stupid shit and get the exact same reaction from my dad, this is supposed to be a safe space so I can take care of my mental health. Like the very second session I told her that I have some problems with my memory and she was just like "oh it's because you weren't paying attention in class. You just need to learn how to study!" like no I already know how to study and my memory problems are not only because I'm not paying enough attention. I literally have to repeat a bunch of times whatever I want to remember intentionally. I did not take any notes when she talked about the brain and I didn't try to repeat what she said, so obviously I forgot. And I had a somewhat bad morning because my dad woke me up early and told me I should speed up my puzzle?? So I was pretty pissed off when I got to the psychologist and was so not in the mood to be questioned by her, which I was expecting she'd do but she made a lot mroe questions than the last time and they were memory and understanding questions so. Yeah I lied and told her the sessions with her were working and I got to know myself a bit more bc I didn't want to tell her how useless this feels bc she'd probably feel bad. (dammit I hate caring so much of what people think. This is likely because of my grandma tbh.)

Like I'm trying to do the breathe and focus and relax thing she told me but it's hard to remember and it feels completely stupid because I'm not constantly on the verge of having a panic attack. Am I stressed? Yeah. Do I have little understanding of my emotions? Yeah. Are they hard to manage? Yeah. But do I have a panic attack every other day? No. This year it's been like only five times, enough to worry but not enough to think it can happen at ANY moment. It happened on specific situations. And I'm avoiding the situation because I felt too shitty to keep trying so I'll stop for a few months and go back on like February.

I'm also pissed bc my grandma will make me go to swimming classes because it's such a good exercise for the whole body but like. Ma'am. I hate my body. I feel uncomfortable if I show even a bit of my legs. Even more if I even think of wearing something sleeveless outside of my house. And I told her that I didn't want to. And she insisted. And now I'll be stuck with classes I didn't want and I likely won't enjoy.

[ryan-is-a-god]

I'm pretty sure my entire life's problems can be chalked up to never getting enough sleep and having a negative attitude. Of course getting my ADHD treated helped immensely but that doesn't solve everything.

One day I was so tired, and I struggle to sleep normally; I literally left a conversation and said I'm going to sleep at like 9pm. Please note that I usually would never consider sleeping earlier than even 1 am before.

Anyhow, the next day omg I woke up at 6:30 am because I didn't want to oversleep and I was so rested I made delicious food and watched anime first thing in the morning, specifically a very positive anime, I think it might have been my next life as a villainous. I actually for the first time in a long time, worked out. Well, not working out per say, because I still have to trick my brain, no I played sports with my sibling, turned on good ol' Wii sports and played some DDR. After that I started sleeping and waking up at a decent time every day, and I actually felt fine even if I messed up a day here and there.

Only recently did I mess up my sleep for a few consecutive days, in which I felt sluggish and tired like I always have before. Recently I was discussing how much sleep a human requires, I assumed it was 5 hours for most people, and found out that it is actually 7-9 hours for adults, and even more time for younger people. Of course some people can get less but that's not true for most. Here I thought I was the insane one for struggling to wake up with less than 7 hours now, and when I was a teenager, good luck getting 5!

The point of this is just that I was so defeatist, I will never sleep normal, never wake up at a good time, never feel rested, but I did! I actually did! So now I'm going to ensure I get enough sleep tonight, I'm not sacrificing my sleep for anything. I even managed to stay pretty well on track during school, and these assignments are never ending.

I had a friend who did everything in highschool; I admired her so much, she worked out, cooked all her food, woke up early, studied, was literally the valedictorian, and still had time to hang out and play video games.

The most impressive part to me was that she managed all that while keeping a good sleep routine, eating healthy, and exercising.

She's half the inspiration for why I still keep up with this new schedule now, because, I know she did it, and I know it wasn't always easy for her, and really we all can do this, if anything this part should be the easy part.

Anyways this is partly to remind myself to get adequate sleep and work out today after I finally clean my room and work on my assignment. The other part is to remind everyone that taking care of yourself is always the base priority, everything that is so hard, like managing time, or work, or whatever, is secondary and usually gets easier the more you take care of yourself.

I mean just a year ago or so I thought I was gonna die on the couch barley able to move, and now I'm doing what I thought was literally impossible; taking care of myself, doing school work, AND actually having time to work on side projects!

I probably missed a lot of what I wanted to say, and while I would usually scold myself for writing this instead of working on my assignments, this took only a few minutes, contrary to the hour or two I use to feel was being wasted away.

Remember if something is hard to do, just make it fun. I don't like cooking, but I do like eating fancy looking food while watching anime. I don't like exercising, but I do like playing video games like Wii sports or actual sports. I don't like sleeping, but I do like lying down in a warm blanket with a favourite movie playing as I close my eyes for just a moment.

[coffin-upalung]

Vent post, TW mental illness, hospitalization, being fucking poor, speculation of symptoms

So I have a problem with disorganized speech, right? I kind of noticed it a few months ago but now it's impossibly to ignore. Or I'll just stop talking when i thought i already made my point but i actually only said half a sentence? I don't have health care, so I can't figure out right now if it's a mental illness symptom or a physical illness symptom, both of which I have several diagnosed.

But I also developed a stutter? Which makes me think it's gotta be mental illness. But also I've had like a good 10 concussions in my life, 4 of them were in 2019, so maybe just got a bruised melon.

And I've found myself fencesitting between reality and delusion. And I've caught myself hallucinating. Birds, music, people taking muffled outside my window where I can't make out any of the words, bugs in my food and spiders in my shower.

And I want so fucking bad to just voluntarily admit myself. I'm not a DANGER to myself, but I just can't function. I can't hold down a job, I spiral and bounce between panic attacks to disassociation. I feel fractured, like multiple people are living my life, like half the day is a dream or I'm in the passenger seat of my life.

I've been on antipsychotics since I was like 13 or 14, but I haven't had healthcare in years. And I just want to take a month or two and admit myself to get everything fixed. And it sucks that for YEARS I was repeatedly 5150'd and got thrown in residential for 4 months as a kid against my will but now I actually want the help and I can't AFFORD IT?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Like I'm not suicidal in the slightest. My husband and I are happy and living a good life, we never fight and it genuinely feels like a sleepover with my best friend every night-- depression is near non-existant. But I just want to not be crazy anymore so I can take a shower without thinking I can talk to the ghosts in the walls!!!!!

I literally just want the hallucinations to stop and the delusions and the rabbit holing to stop. I want to be able to think straight and speak clearly. I want to stop having episodes where I'm laughing and crying and pulling my hair out. And it's for no reason. The trigger will be like "thought about that one embarrassing thing you said" and I just can't breathe and then I'm gone. Like it's someone else and I can't think and then like I'm in the shower and I've calmed down and im singing to music that's playing on my phone.

Like how am I supposed to tackle this in weekly therapy. It's gotten bad enough I'm BEGGING to go back on meds.

Do you know how long this fucking took me to write? I feel so small and incapable of simple tasks like writing a paragraph-- things I used to do for fun with fanfiction and random essays on topics I'll never post. But I keep misspelling and starting with one sentence and writing the ending of another. I kept misspelling symptoms as mysomptms and that's the clearest example of how jumbled things get. Like everything is there it's just a mess. It's not like a typo, it's genuinely my brain tells me every letter at once and I can't remember what comes first. I'll tell a story about my day and I'll tell the middle then the first then the last, or in reverse and I know it's mixed up but I can't remember what came first. And my grammar is so absolutely fucked. Like I almost majored in English and my essays were the ONLY reason I got into some colleges because I absolutely bombed my SATs because I had just gotten out of the hospital. Not my point, but demonstrates that I used to have such a tight grasp of the English language and its mechanics and now for months it's felt like I'm struggling in a 3rd or 4th language, buffering and lagging like a 2006 Dell.

And im AWARE that none of this makes sense, I've got pinball brain and im trying to say too much with too few words but this is an exercise to at least push through and get as much as I can out. At least to document. I feel like I have to apologize for how hard it is to understand me. This feels like such a burden to everyone around me and that makes it harder to think and speak. I hate this and I just want to get better.

Idk just had to get this out, hopefully I'll be able tks how a doctor when I'm able to get help. This makes me feel so stupid. I can fucking write, I'm an articulate fucking human being. I've got so much going for me, why does my first language feel like I'm only conversational? I can't communicate, I've lost half my vocabulary and I used to pride myself on my intelligence. I was always the smart friend, the one who's good at everything and would write your papers and give advice and I was going to do great things. And now I'm just a college dropout lunatic housewife that needs help with everything.

And im not... sad? It's just anxiety and then a detachment of reality. And I've tried to write this more like I would say it, it feels like either my brain goes too fast for my mouth or fingers or that it's so slow I cant think there is no in-between.

[destressjournal]

8 Benefits of Exercise that’s not just about looks

When losing weight, obviously the calorie intake is the most important thing to get under control. It’s always what you eat that has the biggest impact on your weight, but that doesn’t mean we should rule out exercise, or that exercise on its own doesn’t have benefits to weight loss.

To me personally, exercise is what started my 2019 weight loss journey. Here are the ways in which exercise has helped me (besides the obvious “my body looks good”)

1. Let’s start with the physical benefits. I feel so much better after months of consistent exercise. My body feels like a machine (in a good way) I’m more aware of what my body is capable of and how it moves. I feel like I can take on the world.

2. Going off this, the fat rolls being gone allowed me to move in ways I couldn’t before. Something as simple as bending down to tie my shoes was difficult when I was overweight because of my stupid gut. Or turning around to shave the back of my legs but my back rolls would be in the way. It has allowed me to be more flexible too.

3. I’m obviously less tired when we go hiking or taking longer walks. I can keep up with my (now) husband and not cry in pain. Ugh that stupid knee pain….

4. I’m just less hungry when I exercise. After a workout, I’m not crazy hungry like before the workout. Not sure how that works, but it decreases my appetite and it works wonders! On the flip side the amount of burned calories allows me to consume more food with less guilt (IF I want to).

5. Now moving onto the mental benefits. I love competing with myself, and exercise has given me that outlet to do just a little bit more today than yesterday, to see how far I could go. (Btw the only person you should ever compare yourself to is yourself from the past). It’s given me structure, goals, purpose, and most of all, motivation.

6. Going off this. It’s allowed me to go into a daily routine. Even if I didn’t feel like going to the gym, I still went. It just wasn’t a question. I would still go, maybe I would be easier on myself that day. But even after one of the worst days of my life, I still went to the gym and did my full workout.

7. This leads me to the improvement in my mood and anxiety levels. My anxiety was so much better, I felt like I had a better grip on everything, and had a better outlook on life. And nothing changed in my life except my exercise routine. I still deal with the same crap I’ve always dealt with but I just have a better mindset about it. AND while I’m exercising, I literally cannot be anxious because my brain is focusing too hard on the workout to focus on any anxiety I’m having.

8. Lastly, exercise decreases my boredom. It simply gives me something to do that’s not eating, playing video games, or watching tv/youtube. Sometimes I eat when I’m bored so it gives me less of a reason to eat unnecessarily.

Yeah, looking good is also a benefit but it’s not the only benefit, or the most important, in my opinion, because that’s probably the last change that will manifest. Body recomp takes a long time. It took me 3 months of consistent exercise just to notice any kind of difference. It’s important to focus on the physical and mental benefits that don’t rely on outward appearance in order to keep being motivated. At least for me. Im going to try to re-create my 2019 workout routine this October after my honeymoon, so looking forward to getting back into it!