#i like to think that maybe i just need to be medicated for something. probably adhd. and then ill be all better and happy
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
itwoodbeprefect · 3 months ago
Text
the great thing about falling really deep into a new media niche is developing opinions on many new things. the terrible thing about falling really deep into a new media niche is developing opinions on many new things
64 notes · View notes
lucky-clover-gazette · 5 days ago
Text
vent
did not expect kissing and realizing i’m lowkey dating a guy to send me down an existential spiral of reminding me that i have only one life to live and then i am going to die without living any other different lives
#but i’ve been wasting time not exploring at all!!#doesn’t have to be a forever person it’s just an experience#but still#it’s really weird and idk!!!!#and if i date this guy fr i would have to like go on birth control probably and holy shit i do NOT want more medication#and what if i meet someone else?#i don’t exactly want to commit y’know???#but i’m halfway through my twenties and i don’t know how much time i actually have and if i think about it too long i hyperventilate#which WOULDN’T HAPPEN if i was just continuing on with being safe and alone!!#and what about women?? i love women!#but when i really love something or someone i go crazy about it#i lose myself#so maybe realistic and neutral is better?#am i neutral?#i don’t fucking know and my friends for the most part aren’t quite grasping what i’m trying to say#like yes i overthink and yes it might not be that deep to anyone else including the guy#but it NEEDS to be that deep. to me.#because that’s how my brain fucking works.#i don’t take shit lightly and i never have#that’s why i’m better off alone#or with people who are also deeply unchill#but this guy is so chill! and it does make me feel comfortable!#but it’s also like bro is this conversion therapy am i conversion therapying myself?#my entire identity for more than a decade has been based off being single and independent#and the lapses in that are times in my life that i see myself as unambiguously pathetic and embarassing#with men and women#i feel like a fucking unsocialized semiferal cat that wants affection but also doesn’t know how to accept it#and do i even want it? or is it want i know i should want or what would be good for me so im just slowly forcing myself into it?#it’s so much easier. so much simpler. to not have to freak out about this stuff.#sorry for venting i know it’s annoying it’s just fuck man…
8 notes · View notes
moodr1ng · 6 months ago
Text
i always say im able-bodied bc i feel like it best describes my General Lived Experience but i do have that like. thing in my legs where if i walk briskly for some distance (like 500 meters) i get this crushing pain in my whole lower legs which gets worse and worse if i keep walking until i eventually have to sit down for a few minutes and wait for it to go away. which im still trying to get diagnosed bc so far artery scans and muscle ultrasounds render nothing. and ngl it is like, an issue often enough and is a pretty bothersome thing when it happens (like not only bc its extremely painful but also having to find some place to sit down in the middle of the street and having to stay there a while isnt awesome) so im not entirely sure "able-bodied" fully describes me but i also am not sure its a disability bc we dont know wtf it is. so i guess im kind of in a weird inbetween where i err on the side of just assuming its not a disability and its just like, an annoying body thing..
11 notes · View notes
mugwot · 1 month ago
Text
hm
#ramble tag#more like vent tag but i refuse to have one of those you can just ignore me you are smart#like seriously dont read this unless you really wanna and are snooping#i think there's something wrong with my brain#the executives have really refused to function#or some such nonsense i don't know i am just saying things#if i blame it on a vaguely medical sounding problem i feel less personally responsible about it#its been roughly 4 days#the hours are slipping away like sand through fingers#and i cant Do Anything#its infuriating#i can only Think about all the work i need to do but i Can't Do it#i only have 6 days left probably less i dont know the exact deadline and i have made No progress and i know i just have to Start#but like every time there is a slightest huccup i just get pulled away from the task and oops its dark out now!#and its like i dont even care#i am not sad or scared or angry except i know i should be so its like a ghost of a feeling#i dont want to die and dont want to live if i could i would just sit and read or even just think alone with my mind for a week straight#after i post this i will open the document pull out the tablet and start again i need to Start#aughhhh#how am i even an adult human person#this cant be how real human people live nothing would ever get done and we would starve to death#people here like to say that ooh 20 is not an adult that doesn't count but like#if i was less of a dumbass i would be living if not on my own then not with my parents#and i cant imagine surviving like that#that might be part of why that didn't happen#i am straight up just not an independent person right now#i have been avoiding booking an appointment to cut my hair for half a month#and avoiding scheduling to pick up the piercings I Wanted for 2! maybe 3! i dont know anymore!#okay this ends here#not the moping the tags
2 notes · View notes
honey-skulls · 2 months ago
Text
Huge vent
Yesterday was the welcome thing for the beginning of the school year, only from 15h to 16h30. Still managed to end up late. Nothing to do either, just sit there and listen to the explanation of how the year is gonna go. Still came back home EXHAUSTED
First day of school and I'm already an hour late
They also said that if we come late, the teachers aren't gonna let us in
So now I'm just frozen, sitting on my chair after finally managing to prepare, with no idea on if i waste the little energy i have going to school in the heat only to not be let in
But they also said they'd do that last year, and they never did. So maybe they're not doing it again and I'm just wasting time when they would let me in
I don't know and that's the problem
And even if i can, the mental image of everyone in class turning to stare at me and judge while i enter in the middle of the class, because i spent more than half of last year being hours late if not straight up missing "for no reason" is too much (because this country has dog shit psychology knowledge that has been studied to be around 50 years late, and they know nothing about invisible disabilities. Not like I'd ever even tell them. This class sucks in all minorities fronts)
But also I'm literally already thousands of euros in debt for this damn school and every class i miss is money wasted
I don't know what to do
#sent a message to admins to ask about the disability help i can get#think I'm gonna wait until afternoon class to go#and use that time to do all the other medical calls i need to do#hope we can talk about my help soon and i can explain the causes for why I'm late in the morning and why I'm struggling so much#and they'll actually listen#negative#HB rambles#i did brush my teeth! that's a huge win. and took a shower yesterday despite already taking one sunday#which thinking about it now might be the reason I'm already struggling so hard this morning.....#having to suddenly live with low spoons sucks. especially when you have huge memory issues#i keep acting like how i used to. just normal. and then being baffled when something as small as a shower wipes out all my energy for the#next day#i hate this. i hate this so much. i want to go back to being able to do multiple things a day and not ending up drained#i had 3 months of summer break. and only played animal crossing new leaf for like- 3 afternoons#never touched any other game. or my dsi. or my wii. or any of my books#played buckshot roulette for a few hours once#couldn't keep going. it's fun. but because it's a strategy game. it DRAINED my mental energy#i planned to fucking start sports and learn how to sew and crochet and maybe even skateboard#and instead i couldn't even draw a simple BASIC art piece without taking multiple days of only 3 hours sessions#an entire year of doctor appointments. and i still have NOTHING. no answer or help#my last hope is a mental exam in December....#if we don't find the answer then.....I'm probably gonna have to survive like this for the rest of my life#and i definitely can't get or keep a job in this state#vent#chronic fatigue#autistic burnout#probably#but it's not like i can get help for that. when the cure is YEARS of COMPLETE rest#no job or responsabilities whatsoever. yeah right. only way to get that would be to get sent to a retirement home or something#hate this
2 notes · View notes
thethingything · 5 months ago
Text
okay so everything that talks about withdrawal symptoms from opioids is like "you'll get cravings for the drug" and I've been sat here like "okay well I haven't had that" (as far as I can tell? I don't know what cravings are meant to feel like in this instance? I might be misunderstanding what that means) but what has been happening is that every time I take way less pain medication for a day or two, I get symptoms that feel like food poisoning and it ends up being an overall bad time.
for the last few days we've been on a way lower dosage because we haven't needed as much pain relief, and I've spent the whole time being like "oh my god why am I getting so many hot flashes and waking up in a cold sweat and not being able to sleep more than a few hours at a time? ugh my eyes are stinging so much and my vision keeps going all blurry and weird. why do I keep feeling like the world's ending over tiny things? holy shit my digestive system is not doing well. why do I have all these weird muscle cramps and aches? god my head hurts so fucking much and nothing's helping" and I've been blaming this stuff on the fact that we overexerted so much on Monday but like... yeah there are some dots I probably should have connected sooner here
3 notes · View notes
just-rogi · 7 months ago
Text
im so fucking tired of going to the doctors. i cant keep up. every week its a new test or a new lab or a new specialist. i'm just exhausted. i have to go in for blood work AGAIN- this is the fourth time since april. its expensive, and time consuming, and honestly? im tired. im just tired. all the fucking time im tired of the lack of answers, and the phone calls in the middle of the day, and crying at work in front of my students, and opening my email to new lab results every other day. IM TIRED OF IT!!! im not even afraid of hospitals or needles i never have been, even as a kid, but i couldnt stop crying last time i got bloodwork. ive never been upset by bloodwork before what the fuck. last week i had an ultrasound of my liver and i got a call in the middle of the work day today that i need to get a BONE SCAN?? are you kidding me?? im scared. and im tired. and im angry. and i dont want to do any of this. i just want to cry and isolate myself and go to bed and not see anyone ever but i cant fucking do that because i have to go get injected with radioactive contrast material and wait four hours so they can see what is wrong with my bone enzymes.
2 notes · View notes
steakout-05 · 1 year ago
Text
forgot how to draw Barry (again), learned how to draw Engineer TF2. not sure how that happened but hey i know how to draw texan bob the builder now! :D
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
#team fortress 2#tf2#engineer tf2#sometimes i just kinda lose my ability to draw something which is oddly horrifying and frustrating#but like#i can at least draw engie now so#i haven't drawn this guy in literal years#in fact i think i haven't drawn him since i stopped using Amino which was.... god that was 4 years ago#maybe 5 years ago? around 4 to 5 years. that doesn't sound like a whole lot but it really is#speaking of amino i consider the art style i drew in back when i used it to be my ''amino phase''#because throughout my entire time using it i always drew characters with giant circular eyes#and the way i drew tf2 characters specifically looked really blocky in their facial structures#because i was trying to draw them so they'd look defined#but like it turned out really awful because i still didn't know how to really... draw the way i do now#i may or may not make a post with some of my super old art but at the same time i don't want someone from amino recognising it and#being like ''WOOAAH I REMEMBER YOU''#i'm not really proud of my amino phase haha#it was like baby's first social media for me#i need to relearn how to draw a lot of tf2 characters actually i haven't drawn most of them in years#the last time i drew medic was.... probably 3-ish years ago#haven't drawn scout in a year or two and i haven't drawn sniper or spy in years either#haven't drawn soldier since half a year ago and it's also been 3 years since i drew heavy#i did draw demoman a few months back though#and i don't even remember the last time i drew pyro#man yeah it has been YEARS
4 notes · View notes
the-trans-dragon · 1 year ago
Text
Could a person with mental illness do THIS?
*spends 20 minutes trying to respond to a text, too anxious to commit to a first word such as "Hey" versus "Hi!" versus maybe a unique catchphrase I should incorporate into my personality like "Banjo bonjour!" or, if it would be more logical, "Bonjour banjo!"*
#🙃#its a specific person who i never really decided what kind of relationship we have#maybe she was technically one of my bosses? but we started on the same day and bonded over#trying to adjust super quickly and not make mistakes (or to learn from them very quickly) and then we#had some really nice chats about our lives and families and partners#so its like. we are casual coworker acquaintances and we are Girls Who Are Friends (im not sure if she#knew i was trans and nonbinary. i think she assumed i was a woman. but the way she perceived and interacted with my gender was comfy in a#very specific way that makes me feel Okay Being Seen As A Girl. it still doesnt feel like ME. but i can fit inside it without#contorting and hiding parts of myself. kinda like the pants i bought at goodwill that definitely didnt quite fit but#my wife hemmed them a bit and i could squeeze my butt into them if i held my breath and they were a great pair of work pants for $7#anyways lol she was like a peer/mentor/cool aunt's even cooler best friend/woman you sat next to at the ER one time and she felt like you'd#known her forever but it was probably just because it was 2:30AM and neither of you had slept and were both lowkey curious if you were gonna#die before getting medical help/drunk woman who accidentally says something you've needed to hear for the past decade. lol#so idk if its a “hello” situation or a “hiya” or a “hey sup” or what. :3 well there went another ten minutes while i#rambled in the tags. okay byyyyyye.#sorenhoots
6 notes · View notes
kalashtars · 1 year ago
Text
.
4 notes · View notes
yousaytomato · 2 years ago
Text
Trying my hardest not to be anxious and sad about things that have already happened and that I can't do anything about now. But How
6 notes · View notes
alagaisia · 7 months ago
Text
This is something I learned at one of the pre-op visits for my breast reduction! My surgeon was basically I think an independent surgeon (as I guess I would imagine is common for “cosmetic”/plastic surgeons?) and she was telling us a little bit about what to do for talking to insurance about the surgery and stuff, and she mentioned that for us going through insurance it would be at a particular hospital, but she also often did surgeries where people didn’t use there insurance, and she did those at some other place, and the price she charged up front was much lower, because that was the actual cost of the surgery (and equipment and everyone’s salaries etc.) and she had to raise the ticket price significantly when people would go through insurance, because the insurance company would negotiate that price down, and then keep some of the money. (Obviously for us and many others it still worked out to be cheaper for us out of pocket to go through insurance, but the amount she made was roughly the same even though it would look like she charged thousands more for my breast reduction than for someone not using insurance)
So, when you get those bills from your insurance after a doctors visit, and there’s that little table that tells you, this is the cost of the visit, this is the discount we got you, this is how much we paid, this is how much you still have to pay?
That line about “we got you this discount” is misleading. They actually caused the provider to raise the initial cost of your care by that amount, or more, in anticipation of the insurance company refusing to pay the full amount so that they could tell you they got you a discount.
"Why does a 15-minute visit with a doctor cost 150 bucks in America???" you're gonna want to read Money-Driven Medicine, by Maggie Mahar, and probably also The Social Transformation of American Medicine, to answer that question. It is not because your doctor is a greedy bastard; your doctor does not see most of that money. It is because the system is broken to a level that is truly impressive in its dedication to making a shit ton of money for insurance company executives and shareholders.
#my doctors visits are always around 3 or 400 for me because they never get billed as physicals because I also need prescriptions filled#and I need to go in 4x a year because adderall is so heavily restricted#and my last visit was actually $700 because they needed to drug test me not even for a real reason but because at the previous visit when#they drug tested me (also for bullshit reasons- to check that I was taking my meds instead of selling them or soemthing)#it came up with a false positive for opioids. which I don’t have access to or interest in and would not have been in my system#(mom’s nurse friend hypothesized that maybe the poppy seeds on the wverythign bagel I probably had for breakfast that morning set it off. it#seems like that’s a pretty common food to have and they should either warn you ahead of time about that or it shouldn’t be sensitive enough#to pick that up)#and insurance was like ‘we got you a $195 discount’ which is bs and ‘we paid $4’ which is even stupider#so now at my next virtual visit I’m gonna have to say hey I know the answer is no because of institutionalized stigma against me that you’re#not willing to push back on but I can’t fuckingn afford to keep paying $1600+ a year for what at this point is a middle man between me and a#pharmacist because I’ve been on this medication for fucking ages and all my other ones could be refilled at a yearly physical#so is there any way we could change things up somehow. and she’s going to say no. and I’m going to be angry and upset about it for days#back when i was at my pediatrician I had to go in every six months which was annoying but I would happily go back to that over four times a#year#but idk if the rules changed or if the rules are different for adults or if my doctor just sucks bc I brought that up early on and she was#like no this is what we do#I mean. I can technically afford it. I have the money I’m not going into medical debt or anything. I live at home with my parents and have#very low living expenses and my checking account is limited primarily by my own standards of how much I’ve decided I want to be putting into#my savings account each paycheck. but when the biggest expense in my life is something that already frustrates me and that I know is exp too#expensive and that I feel I shouldn’t have to be doing anyway and I know I’m being treated unfairly#it just feels so much worse. having to take money out of my savings account wouldn’t be the end of the world. but it feels wrongs#and I only make like $36#lmao I forgot about the commas thing.#like $36k a year so I also am aware that even though I’m in a lucky place where I’m stable that’s not *that* much money and I feel like that#is how I tend to think of things. because I’m not going to live with my parents forever and I’m deeply aware that for most people who have#to pay a rent or a mortgage $36k is the lower end of things and a seven fucking hundred dollar doctors bill is a big fuckingn deal#for a regular fucking doctors appointment#it’s not like I fucking asked to be drug tested they said ‘pay us to look at your pee or else’#it’s all bullshit
10K notes · View notes
neverendingford · 3 hours ago
Text
.
#tag talk#learning language just makes my brain vibrate on just the right frequency#my goal for the rest of this year and the year coming is to get really good at Spanish#between Language Transfer (really fucking good go check it out thanks to my sibling recommending it to me) and then#then all the immersion I've been doing with music and TV#I feel like I stand a chance of getting genuinely good at it#I have this dream of knowing several other languages but I need to start by developing the skill with a language I'm already familiar with#and now I'm medicated I can finally push for like.. an actual goal and achievement#this feels like an extension of my obsession with communication.#which now that I think about it. a lot of things I love have a strong communication aspect to them.#music. fashion. art. they all communicate ideas.#that's even maybe what I like about porn. it's a work that's designed to communicate a very specific feeling and idea#and kink is an expression of power and trust. control and release. poetry.#do these tags read like the ramblings of a mad man? am I just throwing darts at a wall and connecting them with red string?#maybe I am crazy. but I'm not wrong. I'm autistic I'm incapable of believing I'm wrong.#is that joke in poor taste? probably.#anyway. I love communication and learning Spanish is my gateway to an entire world of ideas embedded in the structure of language itself#plus it would probably help my ability to keep up with my brother's dreams of traveling abroad#and I could help him learn languages cause I love teaching and he's not as hardwired for it as I am.#oh also I bought a vocabulary book to work through because language transfer is teaching me the grammar and structure#but I need vocabulary to back it up#I have a small work vocabulary I use with the customers who don't speak English very well. shit like “this. it works?”#but even like. idk. I'm really good at understanding people with difficult speech.#one resident at my nursing home had severe muscle degeneration and couldn't do much outside of vague flopping#but she would still try to speak and I got pretty good at understanding her and having conversations while feeding her.#she was in the navy and ate a bunch of neat food in Korea and she's the reason I finally watched Jaws for the first time#and like.. my ability to understand is what let her influence my life like that. I got to connect with another human being.#like. it's a gift that enhances my life and I want to choose to shape my life around this gift.#my love and obsession with communication is something I've had my whole life and if is something constant I need to consider it#so many other things in my life are shifting and uncertain. I want to chase the constant source of joy that's a part of who I am.
0 notes
nobodybetterlookatme · 5 days ago
Note
How's it going with your coworker??!!
I'm still so fucking soft and that's really all I've got for today lmao
#not snz#i did the whole 'feel how cold my hands are' thing and it fucking worked like??#but my hands are actual legit always fucking freezing so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯#BUT i held his hand half the time and fuck i didn’t know people's hand could feel that nice#like once again I'm touch starved to the point i hardly know how to give a proper hug bc i almost never give/receive them#so anything would probably feel good lmao#but like his hands are so warm and they're not at all soft but they are super gentle?? idk it's weird#i might’ve thought a little too hard about it hskaksk we're gonna have to move on lmao#mainly we just talked a lot as always and he was an asshole but he's also so sweet???? like it's crazy#OH and there was one point he like put his arm on the seat behind me so it wasn’t quite around me but it was a little bit#like please why do i want that so bad lmao normally I'm afraid of people doing anything like that to me#hugged him before we left too and 😩#the way i wanna hold him and pet his hair so bad is wild lmao like i just cannot stop being pathetic#like i fr need to stop thinking about it ahskaksksl that's my coworker#and i was talking to the other girlies while we were walking back to our cars and gossiping and catching up#and i mentioned hanging out with my partner to which they were both like 👀 and i had to convince them that it wasn't a date lmao#but they both agreed with me that it can't be a date if nobody says it's a date so it was still Not A Date#yay for women LMAO#However they did say it didn't sound quite platonic either so they're still 👀 ahskamksla#and they've been joking about me and this guy for a hot minute now so they're double 👀 lmao#the other medic always said he's got a soft spot for me and that just kinda makes me 🥰 ya know#but also why do i lowkey feel sick about the thought of him actually being into me lmao like is thay normal#maybe sick isn't the right word but i feel something and it's not exactly pleasant but it's definitely not bad#maybe it's just the cramps LMAO idk#anyway i just feel kinda weird but it's not a bad weird so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯#again it's not like this is ever gonna go anywhere so i don't think i need to try too hard to figure it out lmao#anyway I'm cold and tired and wanna go to bed now lmao i can barely keep my eyes open to make this post#idk how coherent this is gonna be so I'm just gonna hope for the best lmao
0 notes
eatember · 3 months ago
Text
not doing mentally great
0 notes
two-calicos-in-a-trenchcoat · 9 months ago
Text
I can not tell if harley is sick or if her allergies are just worse this year
Other than more frequent sneezing and being a little quieter and a little extra sleepy last week shes acting totally normal
But shes not lethargic. She didn't eat or drink much yesterday but sometimes that fluctuates anyway and shes been eating and drinking just fine today and had been before yesterday except maybe Wednesday but the weather was fluctuating again and allergens were high that day
Its possible shes having a reaction to the carpet cleaner cuz that was in and on my vacuum when I used it Monday (and her symptoms showed up soon after that) and I havent washed my rug so its possible I didn't get all of it back out of the rug after the vacuum spit it out
So im gonna clean my room this week and dust and wash everything and see if that helps
Like she was less sneezey when my mom took her outside earlier than she's been in the house all week (and she spends most of her time in my room)
Tumblr media Tumblr media
She was doing yoga
0 notes