#i like to think that maybe i just need to be medicated for something. probably adhd. and then ill be all better and happy
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
asofspades · 2 days ago
Text
Okay, I got myself a physical copy of The Sun and The Star because I will always prefer a physical book to a digital one and also I can annotate them to my heart's content.
I've tried to not dive too deep into the critics of this book, mainly to avoid spoilers, but also to avoid entering this read with preformed ideas on why it's supposedly a bad book.
Now, I feel like I have to talk about why people may think this is a bad book, I've seen that one of the main critics is Nico and Will's relationship and, having read TOA, I have to say I have a feeling this is a mix of internalised queer phobia and preconceived ideas of what gay romances should be like (mainly, people want a plain straight romance but in a gay format).
Listen, I started TOA thinking that maybe Rick had completely erased Nico and Will's personalities and just made them GAY™ (ykwim). But what I saw instead was two characters who do happen to be traumatised teens in a world that keeps on traumatising them who so happen to be queer and be in a blossoming relationship.
Some of the critics are people saying Will is too controlling about Nico using his powers, but let's all just use our critical thinking skills for a hot minute and realise that the last time something big happened Will found Nico on the brink of death after Shadow travelling well past his limits, killing a guy after unleashing even more power he didn't have the energy for and fading into the Shadows. And let's also take into account that Will (a 14 y.o at that point) is the head medic of camp, so every injured camper is his responsibility and he's also the head counselor of his cabin, a position he acquired because every older Apollo kid died in the battle of Manhattan/labyrinth when he was 13. So we have a kid with way too much responsibility on his shoulders, who lost all of his older siblings at 13 and had to assume more responsibility who's seen his then crush now bf on the brink of death due to overusing his powers. Also, he literally let's Nico use his powers in Tower of Nero and they have contingencies for Nico passing out after shadow travelling, which probably means they actually communicated. I don't really see what's controlling about any of that, especially if you take into account that Nico has been borderline suicidal (because that kid will give up his life in an instant if it means helping the people who need it) and he, historically, has had basically 0 regard for his own wellbeing, something they basically show us he's working on.
Also, some points that I've seen discussed about their relationship are similar at some points to Percabeth's early years of relationship and I've seen no one criticising them for Percabeth, which is what makes me think some people just think queer relationships have to be sunshine and rainbows or be toxic, as if a couple, particularly of young teens with a buttload of abandonment and self worth issues, won't have arguments or ever disagree about anything.
This last point I'm bringing up is just purely speculation, but I've seen people complaining about the fact that Rick wrote this with another writer, as he said it was to make the gay aspect of the characters more accurate from someone who's queer. And I do feel that that decision might have derived from the heavy (and for me kind of undeserved) criticism of Solangelo's relationship dynamic in TOA. Also, some people might have been expecting a regular romance, and some people might have been expecting something purely action packed or something more similar to Percabeth's Tartarus section in HOO, which to that last one I have to say that comparing two people in a longer relationship who have interacted more often and have gone through basically all of their trauma since they were 12 together with another couple that's just starting out and made out of a kid who has too many responsibilities on his shoulders regarding the lives of people and a kid with a huge fear of abandonment and a history of being an outcast and not really liked due to his parentage and his powers as a whole (the boy owns it most of the time but we can't keep denying his self-worth issues just because he's a badass), plus one of them literally went through Tartarus alone before and had a very traumatic experience during and afterwards and the other literally needs sunlight to live, I feel like that would generate some conflicts.
That's all I wanted to say so far, do prepare for another rant once I'm done with TSATS, and probably another one where I do a more in depth analysis of Will and Nico's trauma throughout all of the Percy Jackson sagas and tell you how it shapes the beginning of their relationship.
23 notes · View notes
assmaster-8000 · 2 days ago
Note
I need to know all your thoughts of cecile
i need to preface this spiel with thanking you for opening my can of worms. will this satiate my endless need for this freak? maaaybe not. but like gay sex, it's a temporary fix and by god will i take it.
so, this post will delve into multiple aspects of my thoughts on cécile. i'll have to section it because if not, you'd probably just have a post the equivalent of a werewolf barking at their reflection in a mirror. here they are;
i. visual design
ii. personality and traits (backstory) / character development + his romance arc
iii. comparison to other characters + what made him stand out to me
no read more will be added on this post because i'm forcing everyone to either scroll past a wall of text or indulge my insanity. is this analysis? my simple thoughts? who fucking knows, man. not me. i don't know anything ever. everything is speculation, because my man's ain't even in the demo yet. ask me this question again when the extended demo drops LMFAO
i. visual design
the most notable aspect to cécile is his metal jaw, facial scar, and black eye.
his metal jaw had me in a pickle. for the longest time, i thought it was a prosthetic. as in, he had his lower jaw removed - regardless of how and why - and it acted as a replacement. however, on the ravenstar tiktok account, they show a draft of cécile's sprite that caught my attention.
Tumblr media
he doesn't have his metal jaw, nor his iconic scar or black eye. he does have his original lower jaw, though. maybe this is just a draft before they settled on his current design. maybe this is how he looked in the canon past. maybe! but on top of seyl (the director of lost in limbo) confirming that cécile still has his tongue, i believe he was always intended to have his lower jaw. so the prosthetic is out of the picture.
right now, i believe it's more like a retainer; teeth appears to literally be growing out of his cheek, and i don't think it's the teeth in his mouth jutting out. i can't tell what exactly is the cause of all this, too. my favourite medical student (bean ily muah) said his facial scar appears to have been caused by a controlled flame, and shrapnel to the face based on the scarring around his lip. so he could have suffered an act of assault (physical? magical?), an accident, or maybe he's afflicted with a curse that developed teeth on his skin + his red eyes. could he be turning into a monster as time passes?
i also find it incredibly tragic that his eyes used to be brown before The Incident (air quotes). there's always something inherently tragic about the mundane being unattainable - to think that of all things in the world you are forbidden from, you are barred from the sweet innocence of adam and eve, rather than the glorious garden. brown eyes are the most common eye colour here on earth; imagine how cécile feels, the interloper with a face unmarred. a face that was once his. his dislike towards mc runs deeper than his dislike for everyone specifically because they're a harbinger of danger to the master he protects, and they could just be the past he's been hiding like a wound underneath his clothes.
the gaze of his bloodthirsty eyes... is it really? as in, always bloodthirsty? or is it so because it's your blood he needs on his hands?
aside from the practicalities of his metal jaw, i just think it's super... metal. (i wink at a camera offset and i proceed to get shot a million times. where were these snipers at the trump speech smh)
cough... anyways. i think it's bias, but one of my own oc's has a metal jaw prosthetic because they lost theirs in a fight long ago, so you can imagine i morphed into the spiderman pointing at spiderman² meme when i saw him. it's just automatically intriguing when the character's face is unapologetically damaged, unapologetically different. cécile and lázaro attracted my attention instantly because of how unique they look, and i appreciate that cécile's face does all the talking of his character while his attire is rather subdued. (even that itself speaks for him tbh)
as for my personal feelings, i appreciate a man with a long/wide nose. hit tweet, let doja cat smite me down herself.
now, as for his sprite's body language. i was rather taken aback at the fact that cécile has a less imposing stance than envy - yes, there's a defensive undertone to the way he holds his hands in front of him, but it's not to close him off from the world the way envy's crossed arms communicate that. in fact, cécile appears to be comforting himself. most people who hold/rub their own hand tend to do so because they're revolving a subtle conflict within themself. it doesn't help that the hand being held is the one that appears to have suffered the brunt of whatever he endured, based on the scars around his wrist. he could be holding it because it's instinct - to protect the side of him that was hurt the most. cécile is a weapon of war and a shield to his very core. he hurts others, and i don't think it'd be a stretch to say he hurts himself (why wouldn't he? the man that stares back in the mirror is so very wretched and it wouldn't be wrong to want to tear it all away.) cécile protects others (literally only gael) from the world, and cécile protects himself from the world and the additional enemy of himself.
he is a walking wound of all that has happened to him, and he knows acutely where the gash continues to weep.
yet, his cocked head also denotes a level of serenity that not even envy has. atleast, that's what it reads to me. it could also be an expression of interest in his surroundings, and hence, he's actually more on guard than envy. he doesn't keep his arms crossed, and instead in a stand still, because he constantly needs to be ready to pounce. maybe!
back to his attire. i adore the idea that gael actually picked it out for him. cécile is, technically, a representative of gael, so it makes sense his attire needs to hint at that, with the purple and all. but again, i would like to think of gael comparing outfit after outfit on cécile, engaging his opinion on which he thinks is best - and all cécile offers is, "whatever you deem is best, i will accept." (never ask this hoe where he wants to eat /j). one of the few things gael can do for a man like cécile is offering him a part of him to carry around.
also, for anyone who missed it - cécile has freckles ;)
ii. personality and traits (backstory) / character development + his romance arc
cécile is stated to be an istj, and seyl confirmed he's likely to be a scorpio sun. if so, loyalty is legitimately built into this man. a man if the fates wept tears of their eternal duty onto the spool when they wove his life into existence.
his reliance on the past + his traditions is gonna be like a pair of crutches to a man with both legs lobbed off. routine is the prison that keeps him going - break it, and you break him. after all, experience is all he has to go off of. as much as he may try not to linger on his past - that's exactly what he does. his memories are like ghosts in the corner of his bedroom. every good and bad experience, and by god is there a plethora of the latter, stands out like bruises he can't stop pressing down on. that's why i believe it's especially harder for you to gain cécile's worship; gael is all the good he's known, and you're just a strange human. why would he love you, a fickle being that can barely stop themself from being killed by him, when he could have an immortal sovereign? why, indeed. and it's gonna be especially hard for a man like cécile to grow accustomed to a love that's soft, because he's known violence all his life. he was born of it, made of it, and will be undone by it. that's all he can offer you, so he will expect the same from you the day he accepts you.
also, like... cécile literally fits the bill of scorpio's holding life long grudges. aside from protection, his primary desire is vengeance. and it's not something you can dissuade him from. why would you? you loved cécile because he's a walking bundle of rage and despair. you love him because his heart bleeds on you like an open wound. you will kiss the blood off his lips after the carnage - yours? his? someone else's? who cares, it's ours - and he will only sigh on yours, a thank you for being the best constant in his life of spite.
i can also see where cécile's need for domination comes from, with that extraverted thinking (Te). he may be a bodyguard in subservience to a god, but even they must know when and where to call the shots. it's very clear that control was robbed from him repeatedly ("[...] those who snatched his soul away from him—"), so it comes as another instinctual need to maintain control in every situation. and if he must trap it in the iron-fisted palm, so be it. that's exactly why cécile, like envy, benefits from an mc who knows how to push past sharp commands and loud warnings to chase after him. he relies on people shrinking away from him when he snaps to establish a clear line of boundaries. ultimately, it is by obeying caution that you'll never romance him, because you're playing into what he wants - and what he wants is you away from him. he needs an equally dominant person in a way that has them constantly battling for ultimate dominance, or maybe someone who is more dominant, but not in a way that completely imposes on him. in a way that shows him why exactly you can be his new master, y'know? in this life, everything is chains and prisons to cécile. it's just a matter of picking the most luxurious one. if you're shameless about what you can offer him, he might just take you up on it.
i think it's pretty obvious that cécile has volatile emotions hidden underneath (aries moon maybe???). he buries his softer sentiments deep below, where they lie, they run rampant. i'm a little unsure as to how this'll manifest, but cécile obviously can be soft and sentimental when he wants to, especially or only when the mc isn't looking. he traces their face in the dead of night - he alleviates their burdens behind their back - his favourite sex position is one where they can't see his face, but he can service them just fine. he can be vulnerable, but he doesn't want you to see him when he chooses to be once in a blue moon, lest you get the impression that there is a secret goodness to this violence. there isn't. he's not like envy - standoffish and cruel on the outside, soft and pliable underneath. no, peel away layer and layer of rage and you'll find more rage. crack away at that and you'll find a hollow heart. he's doing it because every human, no matter how depraved, is capable of SOME tender intimacy.
also, man. i think switching his loyalties is gonna be the equivalent of ripping all his skin off. like, yes. he loves you. the need to worship is strong, but it is unbidden for a reason. it is essentially betraying gael, isn't it? loving someone else? a man like cécile has a lot of 'love' in his heart, and all that love can only be directed at one person.
now... extraverted intuition? coupled with his scorpio sun? i imagine it feeds into the possession and obsession. it's less about worrying that you might look at others - it's about knowing that everyone has their eyes on you. it's an irrefutable fact, that there's a bounty like a guillotine on your neck. and he promised to protect you. he did, he promised. and he will, no matter what it demands of him, because you're the one thing that makes it all worthwhile and he'll be damned if the world takes more from him.
i don't know if i can sum his personality up, and i'm not interested to. he's an enigma, and i prefer complexity. as for his character development? i don't know. i really don't know. would it be bad to say? that i don't want him to get 'better'?
the appeal of cécile is that he can't offer you a 'normal' love that even a god, for all they're entrenched in, can offer you. his love is always bloodied. his love is always cruel. his love is all-consuming, like a punch in the mouth.
i think the one thing i wanna see, or predict for him to have, is to learn that there is someone who will do more than passively accept him. there is someone who actively desires him - needs him, even, in all his depravity. i want him to realise that he's not the only one who loves like he's the forest fire, and they're the forest or the witness. fire meets fire. violence for violence, like beasts.
maybe i want to see him become more open to someone calling the shots for him? and know that he can trust them, that they won't use him like everyone else has. honestly, it's difficult to not 'use' him. he's a lover, a weapon. the only difference is the affection in your grip when you swing his blade down to take another head. i want romancing him to come slow yet fast, harsh and cruel and intimate. i don't want the devs to feel like they need to water his morality or cruelty down, because like... isn't that his whole appeal. he's a killer and a sinner and that's why you love him. so on that note,
iii. comparison to other characters + what made him stand out to me
i originally was not interested in lost in limbo, because i tend to prefer darker horror. that changed when i saw lázaro, because the knife scene made me believe they were a FREAK freak. turns out they're pretty chill; and that's simply not my cup of tea, so my interest waned even more.
until i saw cécile.
my favourite romance trope of all time is obsession, but it's something i abstained from for so long because it's ALWAYS one-sided. with cécile, there's the strong potential that you're mutually obsessive, because let's face it. you won't be able to get anywhere with cécile without matching his freak. AND I MATCH HIS FREAKY I LOVE HIS NASTY!!! I LOVE UNAPOLOGETICALLY VIOLENT CHARACTERS!!! I LOVE CHARACTERS WHO UNAPOLOGETICALLY KILL AND MAIM AND DESTROY!!!! FUCK!!!!
i am not someone who is made to enjoy the tender mundanity of love. i want to be loved like a body hits the pavement below and that is exactly what cécile is.
i think the biggest difference is that cécile's whole romance with mc, aside from his loyalty to gael, relies on the dilemma of knowing he's just a man. the main cast are gods, they can afford to put up a better fight against whatever is ailing the two of you.
but cécile? he has almost nothing. he's just a dog, after all. he'll fight tooth and claw just to keep mc because there is quite literally nothing else he can do in the face of it all. and i love that it would make his route a lot more desperate. in life, we will all suffer so very beautifully. he might as well be your suffering, in name and heart. then, is he truly yours. then, are you truly his.
also, i adore the fact that cécile is the only openly hostile love interest to mc! envy has that ease to growing flustered that endears him even in the face of his... lack of manners. but cécile's only official existing line of dialogue is warning you to stay out of his way lest he gives you a quick death. STAY AWAY is literally printed in big, bold, black letters on his forehead, and i don't doubt he isn't afraid to be the one to kill mc.
AND I LIKE THAT OK!!! GIVE ME A CHALLENGE!!!
i think that is... the brunt of my thoughts, off the top of my head. feel free to ask me any more questions and i will try to go in depth but for now... we rot. @ravenstargames this is all your fault cécile is chasing me around in his basement AND I CAN'T GET OUT
21 notes · View notes
itwoodbeprefect · 2 months ago
Text
the great thing about falling really deep into a new media niche is developing opinions on many new things. the terrible thing about falling really deep into a new media niche is developing opinions on many new things
64 notes · View notes
moodr1ng · 5 months ago
Text
i always say im able-bodied bc i feel like it best describes my General Lived Experience but i do have that like. thing in my legs where if i walk briskly for some distance (like 500 meters) i get this crushing pain in my whole lower legs which gets worse and worse if i keep walking until i eventually have to sit down for a few minutes and wait for it to go away. which im still trying to get diagnosed bc so far artery scans and muscle ultrasounds render nothing. and ngl it is like, an issue often enough and is a pretty bothersome thing when it happens (like not only bc its extremely painful but also having to find some place to sit down in the middle of the street and having to stay there a while isnt awesome) so im not entirely sure "able-bodied" fully describes me but i also am not sure its a disability bc we dont know wtf it is. so i guess im kind of in a weird inbetween where i err on the side of just assuming its not a disability and its just like, an annoying body thing..
11 notes · View notes
mugwot · 24 days ago
Text
hm
#ramble tag#more like vent tag but i refuse to have one of those you can just ignore me you are smart#like seriously dont read this unless you really wanna and are snooping#i think there's something wrong with my brain#the executives have really refused to function#or some such nonsense i don't know i am just saying things#if i blame it on a vaguely medical sounding problem i feel less personally responsible about it#its been roughly 4 days#the hours are slipping away like sand through fingers#and i cant Do Anything#its infuriating#i can only Think about all the work i need to do but i Can't Do it#i only have 6 days left probably less i dont know the exact deadline and i have made No progress and i know i just have to Start#but like every time there is a slightest huccup i just get pulled away from the task and oops its dark out now!#and its like i dont even care#i am not sad or scared or angry except i know i should be so its like a ghost of a feeling#i dont want to die and dont want to live if i could i would just sit and read or even just think alone with my mind for a week straight#after i post this i will open the document pull out the tablet and start again i need to Start#aughhhh#how am i even an adult human person#this cant be how real human people live nothing would ever get done and we would starve to death#people here like to say that ooh 20 is not an adult that doesn't count but like#if i was less of a dumbass i would be living if not on my own then not with my parents#and i cant imagine surviving like that#that might be part of why that didn't happen#i am straight up just not an independent person right now#i have been avoiding booking an appointment to cut my hair for half a month#and avoiding scheduling to pick up the piercings I Wanted for 2! maybe 3! i dont know anymore!#okay this ends here#not the moping the tags
2 notes · View notes
honey-skulls · 1 month ago
Text
Huge vent
Yesterday was the welcome thing for the beginning of the school year, only from 15h to 16h30. Still managed to end up late. Nothing to do either, just sit there and listen to the explanation of how the year is gonna go. Still came back home EXHAUSTED
First day of school and I'm already an hour late
They also said that if we come late, the teachers aren't gonna let us in
So now I'm just frozen, sitting on my chair after finally managing to prepare, with no idea on if i waste the little energy i have going to school in the heat only to not be let in
But they also said they'd do that last year, and they never did. So maybe they're not doing it again and I'm just wasting time when they would let me in
I don't know and that's the problem
And even if i can, the mental image of everyone in class turning to stare at me and judge while i enter in the middle of the class, because i spent more than half of last year being hours late if not straight up missing "for no reason" is too much (because this country has dog shit psychology knowledge that has been studied to be around 50 years late, and they know nothing about invisible disabilities. Not like I'd ever even tell them. This class sucks in all minorities fronts)
But also I'm literally already thousands of euros in debt for this damn school and every class i miss is money wasted
I don't know what to do
#sent a message to admins to ask about the disability help i can get#think I'm gonna wait until afternoon class to go#and use that time to do all the other medical calls i need to do#hope we can talk about my help soon and i can explain the causes for why I'm late in the morning and why I'm struggling so much#and they'll actually listen#negative#HB rambles#i did brush my teeth! that's a huge win. and took a shower yesterday despite already taking one sunday#which thinking about it now might be the reason I'm already struggling so hard this morning.....#having to suddenly live with low spoons sucks. especially when you have huge memory issues#i keep acting like how i used to. just normal. and then being baffled when something as small as a shower wipes out all my energy for the#next day#i hate this. i hate this so much. i want to go back to being able to do multiple things a day and not ending up drained#i had 3 months of summer break. and only played animal crossing new leaf for like- 3 afternoons#never touched any other game. or my dsi. or my wii. or any of my books#played buckshot roulette for a few hours once#couldn't keep going. it's fun. but because it's a strategy game. it DRAINED my mental energy#i planned to fucking start sports and learn how to sew and crochet and maybe even skateboard#and instead i couldn't even draw a simple BASIC art piece without taking multiple days of only 3 hours sessions#an entire year of doctor appointments. and i still have NOTHING. no answer or help#my last hope is a mental exam in December....#if we don't find the answer then.....I'm probably gonna have to survive like this for the rest of my life#and i definitely can't get or keep a job in this state#vent#chronic fatigue#autistic burnout#probably#but it's not like i can get help for that. when the cure is YEARS of COMPLETE rest#no job or responsabilities whatsoever. yeah right. only way to get that would be to get sent to a retirement home or something#hate this
2 notes · View notes
thethingything · 4 months ago
Text
okay so everything that talks about withdrawal symptoms from opioids is like "you'll get cravings for the drug" and I've been sat here like "okay well I haven't had that" (as far as I can tell? I don't know what cravings are meant to feel like in this instance? I might be misunderstanding what that means) but what has been happening is that every time I take way less pain medication for a day or two, I get symptoms that feel like food poisoning and it ends up being an overall bad time.
for the last few days we've been on a way lower dosage because we haven't needed as much pain relief, and I've spent the whole time being like "oh my god why am I getting so many hot flashes and waking up in a cold sweat and not being able to sleep more than a few hours at a time? ugh my eyes are stinging so much and my vision keeps going all blurry and weird. why do I keep feeling like the world's ending over tiny things? holy shit my digestive system is not doing well. why do I have all these weird muscle cramps and aches? god my head hurts so fucking much and nothing's helping" and I've been blaming this stuff on the fact that we overexerted so much on Monday but like... yeah there are some dots I probably should have connected sooner here
3 notes · View notes
just-rogi · 6 months ago
Text
im so fucking tired of going to the doctors. i cant keep up. every week its a new test or a new lab or a new specialist. i'm just exhausted. i have to go in for blood work AGAIN- this is the fourth time since april. its expensive, and time consuming, and honestly? im tired. im just tired. all the fucking time im tired of the lack of answers, and the phone calls in the middle of the day, and crying at work in front of my students, and opening my email to new lab results every other day. IM TIRED OF IT!!! im not even afraid of hospitals or needles i never have been, even as a kid, but i couldnt stop crying last time i got bloodwork. ive never been upset by bloodwork before what the fuck. last week i had an ultrasound of my liver and i got a call in the middle of the work day today that i need to get a BONE SCAN?? are you kidding me?? im scared. and im tired. and im angry. and i dont want to do any of this. i just want to cry and isolate myself and go to bed and not see anyone ever but i cant fucking do that because i have to go get injected with radioactive contrast material and wait four hours so they can see what is wrong with my bone enzymes.
2 notes · View notes
steakout-05 · 1 year ago
Text
forgot how to draw Barry (again), learned how to draw Engineer TF2. not sure how that happened but hey i know how to draw texan bob the builder now! :D
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
#team fortress 2#tf2#engineer tf2#sometimes i just kinda lose my ability to draw something which is oddly horrifying and frustrating#but like#i can at least draw engie now so#i haven't drawn this guy in literal years#in fact i think i haven't drawn him since i stopped using Amino which was.... god that was 4 years ago#maybe 5 years ago? around 4 to 5 years. that doesn't sound like a whole lot but it really is#speaking of amino i consider the art style i drew in back when i used it to be my ''amino phase''#because throughout my entire time using it i always drew characters with giant circular eyes#and the way i drew tf2 characters specifically looked really blocky in their facial structures#because i was trying to draw them so they'd look defined#but like it turned out really awful because i still didn't know how to really... draw the way i do now#i may or may not make a post with some of my super old art but at the same time i don't want someone from amino recognising it and#being like ''WOOAAH I REMEMBER YOU''#i'm not really proud of my amino phase haha#it was like baby's first social media for me#i need to relearn how to draw a lot of tf2 characters actually i haven't drawn most of them in years#the last time i drew medic was.... probably 3-ish years ago#haven't drawn scout in a year or two and i haven't drawn sniper or spy in years either#haven't drawn soldier since half a year ago and it's also been 3 years since i drew heavy#i did draw demoman a few months back though#and i don't even remember the last time i drew pyro#man yeah it has been YEARS
4 notes · View notes
the-trans-dragon · 1 year ago
Text
Could a person with mental illness do THIS?
*spends 20 minutes trying to respond to a text, too anxious to commit to a first word such as "Hey" versus "Hi!" versus maybe a unique catchphrase I should incorporate into my personality like "Banjo bonjour!" or, if it would be more logical, "Bonjour banjo!"*
#🙃#its a specific person who i never really decided what kind of relationship we have#maybe she was technically one of my bosses? but we started on the same day and bonded over#trying to adjust super quickly and not make mistakes (or to learn from them very quickly) and then we#had some really nice chats about our lives and families and partners#so its like. we are casual coworker acquaintances and we are Girls Who Are Friends (im not sure if she#knew i was trans and nonbinary. i think she assumed i was a woman. but the way she perceived and interacted with my gender was comfy in a#very specific way that makes me feel Okay Being Seen As A Girl. it still doesnt feel like ME. but i can fit inside it without#contorting and hiding parts of myself. kinda like the pants i bought at goodwill that definitely didnt quite fit but#my wife hemmed them a bit and i could squeeze my butt into them if i held my breath and they were a great pair of work pants for $7#anyways lol she was like a peer/mentor/cool aunt's even cooler best friend/woman you sat next to at the ER one time and she felt like you'd#known her forever but it was probably just because it was 2:30AM and neither of you had slept and were both lowkey curious if you were gonna#die before getting medical help/drunk woman who accidentally says something you've needed to hear for the past decade. lol#so idk if its a “hello” situation or a “hiya” or a “hey sup” or what. :3 well there went another ten minutes while i#rambled in the tags. okay byyyyyye.#sorenhoots
6 notes · View notes
kalashtars · 1 year ago
Text
.
4 notes · View notes
opens-up-4-nobody · 2 years ago
Text
...
#somethings gotta give. bc the way i exist now is not sustainable. i mean. it is but like at what cost ya kno#i just want to clean my apartment and go to the dentist. thats all i want. and that makes me so sad#my mum texted me today like pls work on a xmas list and literally i dont want anything i just wanna clean my apartment#and like not hate everything i have to do on a regular basis. and to b able to concentrate and not be paralyzed by everything#which is to say i need to be medicated but that's just another thing on a growing list of things that needs to happen so like cool great#mayne itll be better once i start taking measures. it wont. i know it wont but maybe it'll at least b terrible in a different way#bc im tired of this way. and im pretty sure my boss thinks im having a breakdown and like shes not really wrong but its still annoying#i should also get tickets home for winter break. but the mental math i have to do to convince myself i can take time off is exhausting#i should probably go for like a full 2 weeks. and hope it heals me even tho none of the breaks ive had this year have healed me#just take 2 weeks and get a game on steam and just not do anything as i agonize over all my applications#and agonize over the fact i probably have to be here doing this for at least another 7 or 8 months#i should have left last year. ugh. i should have done a lot of things. i should b working on my manuscripts right now#or doing something productive. im just tired. and i dont want to meet with ppl tomorrow. i just wanna sleep#unrelated
9 notes · View notes
yousaytomato · 2 years ago
Text
Trying my hardest not to be anxious and sad about things that have already happened and that I can't do anything about now. But How
6 notes · View notes
alagaisia · 6 months ago
Text
This is something I learned at one of the pre-op visits for my breast reduction! My surgeon was basically I think an independent surgeon (as I guess I would imagine is common for “cosmetic”/plastic surgeons?) and she was telling us a little bit about what to do for talking to insurance about the surgery and stuff, and she mentioned that for us going through insurance it would be at a particular hospital, but she also often did surgeries where people didn’t use there insurance, and she did those at some other place, and the price she charged up front was much lower, because that was the actual cost of the surgery (and equipment and everyone’s salaries etc.) and she had to raise the ticket price significantly when people would go through insurance, because the insurance company would negotiate that price down, and then keep some of the money. (Obviously for us and many others it still worked out to be cheaper for us out of pocket to go through insurance, but the amount she made was roughly the same even though it would look like she charged thousands more for my breast reduction than for someone not using insurance)
So, when you get those bills from your insurance after a doctors visit, and there’s that little table that tells you, this is the cost of the visit, this is the discount we got you, this is how much we paid, this is how much you still have to pay?
That line about “we got you this discount” is misleading. They actually caused the provider to raise the initial cost of your care by that amount, or more, in anticipation of the insurance company refusing to pay the full amount so that they could tell you they got you a discount.
"Why does a 15-minute visit with a doctor cost 150 bucks in America???" you're gonna want to read Money-Driven Medicine, by Maggie Mahar, and probably also The Social Transformation of American Medicine, to answer that question. It is not because your doctor is a greedy bastard; your doctor does not see most of that money. It is because the system is broken to a level that is truly impressive in its dedication to making a shit ton of money for insurance company executives and shareholders.
#my doctors visits are always around 3 or 400 for me because they never get billed as physicals because I also need prescriptions filled#and I need to go in 4x a year because adderall is so heavily restricted#and my last visit was actually $700 because they needed to drug test me not even for a real reason but because at the previous visit when#they drug tested me (also for bullshit reasons- to check that I was taking my meds instead of selling them or soemthing)#it came up with a false positive for opioids. which I don’t have access to or interest in and would not have been in my system#(mom’s nurse friend hypothesized that maybe the poppy seeds on the wverythign bagel I probably had for breakfast that morning set it off. it#seems like that’s a pretty common food to have and they should either warn you ahead of time about that or it shouldn’t be sensitive enough#to pick that up)#and insurance was like ‘we got you a $195 discount’ which is bs and ‘we paid $4’ which is even stupider#so now at my next virtual visit I’m gonna have to say hey I know the answer is no because of institutionalized stigma against me that you’re#not willing to push back on but I can’t fuckingn afford to keep paying $1600+ a year for what at this point is a middle man between me and a#pharmacist because I’ve been on this medication for fucking ages and all my other ones could be refilled at a yearly physical#so is there any way we could change things up somehow. and she’s going to say no. and I’m going to be angry and upset about it for days#back when i was at my pediatrician I had to go in every six months which was annoying but I would happily go back to that over four times a#year#but idk if the rules changed or if the rules are different for adults or if my doctor just sucks bc I brought that up early on and she was#like no this is what we do#I mean. I can technically afford it. I have the money I’m not going into medical debt or anything. I live at home with my parents and have#very low living expenses and my checking account is limited primarily by my own standards of how much I’ve decided I want to be putting into#my savings account each paycheck. but when the biggest expense in my life is something that already frustrates me and that I know is exp too#expensive and that I feel I shouldn’t have to be doing anyway and I know I’m being treated unfairly#it just feels so much worse. having to take money out of my savings account wouldn’t be the end of the world. but it feels wrongs#and I only make like $36#lmao I forgot about the commas thing.#like $36k a year so I also am aware that even though I’m in a lucky place where I’m stable that’s not *that* much money and I feel like that#is how I tend to think of things. because I’m not going to live with my parents forever and I’m deeply aware that for most people who have#to pay a rent or a mortgage $36k is the lower end of things and a seven fucking hundred dollar doctors bill is a big fuckingn deal#for a regular fucking doctors appointment#it’s not like I fucking asked to be drug tested they said ‘pay us to look at your pee or else’#it’s all bullshit
10K notes · View notes
eatember · 3 months ago
Text
not doing mentally great
0 notes
two-calicos-in-a-trenchcoat · 8 months ago
Text
I can not tell if harley is sick or if her allergies are just worse this year
Other than more frequent sneezing and being a little quieter and a little extra sleepy last week shes acting totally normal
But shes not lethargic. She didn't eat or drink much yesterday but sometimes that fluctuates anyway and shes been eating and drinking just fine today and had been before yesterday except maybe Wednesday but the weather was fluctuating again and allergens were high that day
Its possible shes having a reaction to the carpet cleaner cuz that was in and on my vacuum when I used it Monday (and her symptoms showed up soon after that) and I havent washed my rug so its possible I didn't get all of it back out of the rug after the vacuum spit it out
So im gonna clean my room this week and dust and wash everything and see if that helps
Like she was less sneezey when my mom took her outside earlier than she's been in the house all week (and she spends most of her time in my room)
Tumblr media Tumblr media
She was doing yoga
0 notes