#i like to imagine shane is really scary to be around at the beginning. like

[spacepatrolhana]

he's so unpredictable at low hearts

(i dont think shane would say any of this, this is all in the farmer's head)

[homo-sex-shoe-whale]

Online shipping, the fetishisation of gay men, and the romanticisation of queer trauma

An essay by me!

Word count: 2.8k

A link to the Google Doc version of this essay.

A big thank you to my friends Nathan @themeerkatnate, Mav @not-mavv , and Duke @dukedark-ness for reading this essay and giving me their thoughts as mlms on the topic. Make sure to check out their blogs and give them a follow!

So I was on a lovely website by the name of Twitter.com yesterday, just scrolling through while having my afternoon cup of coffee, when I saw that viral post of a girl reading a Larry fanfic through a classroom projector. I'm sure most of you have seen it. It's gone viral on Instagram, TikTok, and likely Tumblr too, and if you haven't come across it I'm positive you will soon.

Now, after getting through my initial reaction to that post which was, holy fuck, that's so embarrassing, I had a second reaction of... wait, this ship is still around?

And after I had some thoughts on the incredible permanence of some online ships and the weird obsolescence of others, I did get to thinking of how lots of these popular ships seem to stem from the same types of perceived relationship dynamics and homophobic stereotypes.

These online fandoms often seem to have an obsession with objects of queer trauma, such as having to hide a relationship, lying about sexuality for self-preservation, and even social rejection. So, after some opinions from my followers and the great archive that is the internet, I've decided to discuss some of the most popular examples of online shipping and the particular nuances they came with.

NOTE: Out of respect for all these people, I won't be sharing viral images or videos of them in perceived romantic proximity (or even kissing, as is applicable for some examples), but I will be describing certain moments I deem to be relevant. So even if you're unfamiliar with them, you won't be confused as to what I'm talking about.

NOTE 2: Although not all people within these fandoms were/are toxic, this essay is focused on the overall toxicity of the fandoms, and how they are toxic more so as a "hive" than as a group of individuals. When I refer to a fandom I don't mean every person involved in the fandom, but rather the collective impact of the group.

 1. Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson 

This is arguably the most popular example of online shipping. The absolute permanence of this ship, and how its fandom never seems to fully die off even beyond the lifespan of One Direction as it once stood, is downright impressive.  

I'm going to be the first to admit I was never in the loop with this fandom. My childhood best friend was actually a massive Larry shipper and asked me to beta read one of her fics, but that was before I even knew who tf Harry and Louis were! Not because I avoided the fandom or even because I rejected the online shipping, but just by coincidence, I delved into the world of pop punk music right when One Direction began gaining its popularity. I bought my first ever album, Riot by Paramore, in 2011- only a year after One Direction made their X-Factor debut. So, this fandom just bypassed me by a sort of weird coincidence.

But I don't need to be in the loop with this fandom to know the astronomical obsession with these two men, no, these two BOYS, was extremely toxic. In 2010, when One Direction made their debut, Harry Styles was only 16 years old. And Louis Tomlinson wasn't much older at 19! This made the two of them incredibly young when this unprecedented wave of shipping hit the internet, and although that must be traumatising for anyone, I cannot even fathom how overwhelming it must've been for two boys that young.  

I'm 18, almost 19 now, and I cannot begin to imagine how scary it was for the two of them to have their every interaction nitpicked within an inch of its life by thousands upon thousands of people online. I do not know this myself, but from numerous recounts by some of my followers, this massively impacted Harry's and Louis' nondescript relationship in real life, seemingly driving the two previously close friends apart. 

Now, before we move on, there's something we need to talk about. And that is the obsession with the dominance/submission dynamic within the world of gay shipping. 

With almost every popular mlm (an acronym meaning man-loving-man) ship based on real people, it seems that fandoms have a particular fascination with power imbalances in these relationships. You don't even need to look at the insane amount of fanfictions based on BDSM to figure this out. In almost all of the examples I'll be citing today, there is an age gap within the perceived relationship and a person the fandom has seemingly decided to be the top/dominant figure. 

Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson are 3 years apart in age. Although it isn't all that relevant now, an age gap of 3 years when you're in your late teens is a lot more significant. In 2012, for example, when this shipping really started gaining traction, Harry Styles was 18 and Louis Tomlinson was 21. That power imbalance, albeit not that significant, is enough for a fandom to latch on to. We'll see this a lot more in the coming example with Dan and Phil.

 2. Dan Howell and Phil Lester

It's impossible to have a discussion about internet shipping without talking about Dan and Phil.

 Dan Howell and Phil Lester, although being popular YouTubers individually, are arguably one of the internet's most iconic duos. The two creators published their first videos together in 2009, and while their relationship was already a motive of speculation back then, the peak of the "Phan" shipping definitely came in the 2013-2016 era of Tumblr.

Now, I'm going to admit… I was actually on Tumblr when that happened. 

The 2013-2016 period perfectly aligns with my middle school days (I started middle school in 2013 and high school in 2016), and I was not only on Tumblr back then, but I was on Wattpad too! Again, this wasn't a fandom I had much contact with as I had a huge anime phase in middle school and I was on Tumblr posting mainly photography and Soul Eater content more than anything. 

But I did watch some of Dan and Phil's videos! And the occasional "Phan" content did not completely evade me as one of my closest friends in middle school had a fanchat for them. I wasn't involved in the fandom myself but they were actually one of the few English-speaking YouTubers I watched once in a blue moon (back then I watched mainly Brazilian YouTubers). One thing I did in fact notice over the years, around 2014ish perhaps, was that the two of them seemed to grow increasingly "awkward" around each other, in a way that many folks on the internet thought was reminiscent to Markiplier/Jacksepticeye, two YouTubers who also dealt with extraordinary amounts of shipping.

I'm not the only one who thinks this. The change in Dan and Phil's relationship, at least to the outside world, was clear to almost anyone who watched their videos for a while. I cannot blame them at all. The shipping was nuts. Between the countless fan videos, speculative comments, and insurmountable number of fanfics, there's no way the two of them didn't feel the weight of the shipping. The term "demon phannie" made its way into internet vernacular and there it stayed for years. Even Shane Dawson, who was one of the largest creators on the platform at the time, made several videos speculating on the nature of Dan and Phil's relationship and their sexual orientations. 

There was even porn made in which actors with similar appearances to the creators were made to have sex on camera. 

Now, this is actually a rare example where the two people involved in the ship actually came out as gay once the shipping seemed to die down. I'm incredibly happy Dan and Phil both reached a point where they were comfortable being publicly out, but I hate to say I'm shocked this day ever came. If I'd gone through what the two of them did, I don't know if I'd ever trust the internet. 

And again, this ship's fandom definitely had an obsession with the power dynamics they thought existed between the people within the ship. Dan Howell is 4 years younger than Phil Lester, and was only 18 in 2009, when they started making videos together. From my personal understanding, the shipping was often quite focused on this dominant/submissive dynamic especially in discussions from their early relationship. And this is in no way exclusive to Dan and Phil.

This general fascination with the older man/younger man dynamic, in my opinion, plays into the homophobic stereotype that gay men are predators. The idea that gay men usually seek younger men, and somehow "convince" them to engage in homosexual relationships, is popular homophobic rhetoric. The popularisation, exaggeration, and fetishisation of these power imbalances, in age and/or in relationship dynamics, is directly harmful to the mlm community. 

Not only that, but the romanticisation of a "hidden/forbidden relationship" is also detrimental not only to gay men and the mlm community, but to queer people as a whole. Queer people face huge trauma having to hide their relationships; queer attraction is already a societal taboo. And acting like this is good, or even desirable, is harmful to queer people as a whole, regardless of whether or not it's actually applicable to the people being shipped. It normalises this trauma not only to cisgender, heterosexual people, but to impressionable queer youth who grow to believe this type of trauma is to be expected. 

3. Frank Iero and Gerard Way

This is another example where the perceived power imbalances between the two subjects of the shipping were directly exploited online. Now, this ship did precede the others mentioned above. If we're looking at this topic chronologically, this particular ship did come first in the shipping timeline. It's closer to the origin of the shipping extended universe, if you will.

In case you aren't familiar with them, Frank Iero and Gerard Way are both members of the American emo band My Chemical Romance. This ship is the first one here of which I don't recall the full popularity. It really peaked in popularity around the late 2000s, circa 2008. And I don't remember this moment online as in 2008, I was only 6 years old and believe it or not, I wasn't really all that concerned with rumoured homoeroticism as a first grader. 

However, the popularity of this ship did carry over into the 2013-2015 Tumblr shipping boom. The emo fandom (or "bandom" as it was called) involving not only My Chemical Romance but other similar bands such as Fall Out Boy, Panic! At The Disco, and Pierce the Veil, found its hub on Tumblr. 

During this time, I did in fact listen to this style of music, but was focused a lot more on the anime side of Tumblr as mentioned earlier. Of course, I wasn't 13 years old like, "hey, this type of content might be harmful and can inadvertently perpetuate homophobic stereotypes," I just happened to care more about my silly little anime and ended up not getting involved. 

This ship does involve a discussion that the others don't, however. With Frank Iero and Gerard Way, there is quite often a certain sentiment of, "Oh, they brought this upon themselves!" as the two band members very famously kissed during a show in 2007. In my opinion, though, this doesn't really justify all the obsessive shipping. If you look at Green Day, a band often grouped in with MCR as another famous pop punk group, the members don't follow too different of a trajectory. Billie Joe Armstrong has, on numerous occasions, kissed both of his fellow band members onstage- particularly Tré Cool, the drummer. And Billie Joe Armstrong is openly bisexual, which none of the members of MCR seem to be but some, or even all of Billie's bandmates, are too. 

You'd think Green Day would face a lot more shipping as the more persistent onstage homoeroticism and Billie Joe's openness about his sexuality would warrant more "substantiated" speculation. However, Green Day faces nowhere near as much shipping as My Chemical Romance. Why is this? I actually don't know. It might've been because Green Day has been around for over a decade longer and generally has an older fandom, but I really am not that sure. 

 It could also be because of the lower lack of potential for forced relationship dynamics. The members of Green Day are all less than a year apart in age and are even similar in height. However, Frank Iero is 4 years younger than Gerard Way, who is not only the frontman of My Chemical Romance, but also considered to be the group's intellectual and creative "leader". Even beyond that, Gerard Way is quite visibly taller, and the perceived power difference between the two of them definitely did not elude their fans. 

This difference could even be partly due to the lack of a "mystery" with Green Day. There's not as much to speculate as, well… the members of Green Day are already open about their sexual orientations. It might be that shipping in the Green Day fandom has less of a forbidden appeal for most people. 

Of course, I won't just keep repeating myself, but my previous points about forced relationship dynamics still stand.

4. Martin Freeman and Benedict Cumberbatch

Better known for their roles in BBC Sherlock as Sherlock and Watson, Martin Freeman and Benedict Cumberbatch unfortunately had their roles follow them well into real life. This is the example I know least about, so have these thoughts from a follower by the name of @indubitably-a-goblin, who had the following to say:

"the main issues i had with it were:

a) they were both married at the time, freeman to amanda abbington and cumberbatch to sophie hunter (in which both had children)

b) the main reasoning for it was their chemistry in the many projects they've done together. which is, shockingly, their Whole Job. They're actors! That's what they're supposed to do! if they weren't good at interacting then they wouldn't be good actors! i don't know how people can't understand this.

c) they're real people. we don't know them. we aren't friends with them. we aren't their family members. we have zero right to be pushing this onto them and ruining their friendship by doing so. (this one relates to most of the ships you've mentioned though)

d) healthy friendships between two men are ignored so plainly in most medias and in fandom. its obvious that these two men have a relationship, but that doesn't mean it's a romantic one.

e) its fine to ship their characters, but actors shouldn't be treated as less-than-human or some sort of prop. they're doing a job, and once they are off-screen, they aren't here for your entertainment."

I believe she did a great job of summing it up on her own, and for the sake of avoiding redundancy, I'll leave it at that!

5. Corpse Husband and Sykkuno- an emerging yet subtle example

I am absolutely positive you remember how popular the game Among Us was a couple of months ago. And with the popularity of this game, some of its most prominent content creators became the targets of online shipping- as is the case with YouTubers and streamers Corpse Husband and Sykkuno. 

Although the shipping involving these two creators is nowhere near as strong as it was/is with the examples above, I do think there is once again a reemergence of a common theme here. Whilst Sykkuno is known for his happy-go-lucky, almost "innocent" persona, Corpse Husband is the antithesis of this, known for his much darker and moodier personality. 

Do I even have to mention what the common theme seems to be?

Again, although the popularity of shipping - at least with real people - seems to have died down a bit since the Tumblr shipping boom of the early to mid 2010s, I do believe this example is worth mentioning. Even though the creators are still close, they have in fact expressed discomfort regarding the shipping, and I can only hope the internet as a whole lets their friendship blossom and exist naturally without obsessive speculation. 

My final thoughts

As explored in the essay:

The romanticisation of objects of queer trauma as a part of online shipping normalises queer trauma to both cishet and queer youth. 

Online shipping, especially at a high intensity, can end up negatively impacting the very relationships they pine over. 

The relationship dynamics often forced on mlm ships perpetuate homophobic stereotypes about non-heterosexual men. 

If anyone else has thoughts on this matter, do share! This essay is moreso an opinionated observational piece and isn't meant to be taken as fact but rather just as my thoughts on the matter. I hope it was useful as a reflective piece regardless!

Date of posting: June 16th 2021

[wrestlersownmyheart]

Pinned Hearts Ch. 1 (Book 1 in the "Hearts" Series) Roman Reigns X OC

Pairing: Roman Reigns X Female OC Summary: Cassidy Allen is trying desperately to get out of an abusive relationship and move on with her life. Her close friend urges her taking a job with WWE in order to get away from her boyfriend. Due to her friend's connections, she is hired on the spot, however Cassidy begins to regret the decision the instant she meets Roman Reigns. She is frightened of him, yet drawn to him all at the same time.

Roman finds himself constantly thinking of the beautiful redhead, especially when he is told of her past. He wanted her to begin with. But to learn her abusive ex is after her and trying to steal what he has claimed? Not. A. Chance. He will not accept failure in protecting her, nor earning her love. He bulldozes his way into her heart, knowing there's nowhere else he wants to be.

Disclaimers: I own nothing or anyone associated or affiliated with WWE. I own only the original characters. This is just a fictional story that came from my imagination.

Chapter Content & Trigger Warnings: Graphic domestic violence and abuse

Chapter 1

Twenty-eight-year-old Cassidy Allen turned her car onto her street, and drove slowly. She was in no hurry to get home. She honestly wished she could just turn around and...

“And what, Cassidy,” she asked herself aloud. “You have nowhere to go. He's got you right where he wants you, and there's nothing you can do about it.” Yet, she added to herself. A new feeling of hope filled her as she thought back on the conversation she'd had with her best friend, Skye Blake.

“I'm pregnant again,” Cassidy sobbed softly, as Skye hugged her close. “Quinn doesn't know yet. But... He wants me to move in with him. I'm so scared he'll make me miscarry again!"  She couldn't bear the pain of losing another baby.  Especially when it was due to the violent abuse of her boyfriend, Quinn Ellison.

“You've got to break up with him, Cassidy,” Skye told her, as they headed for her den. She pushed her golden blond hair back over her shoulder and moved closer to her friend. “I know that's scary advice. But... You can't let this happen. If you give in, and move in with him... You're going to end up dead. Both you and the baby.”

The two women sat on the sofa in the huge den, discussing the current dilemma Cassidy faced.

“I know,” Cassidy whispered, fighting tears as she looked at her best friend sitting on the sofa beside her. “I'm just... terrified. “He won't take it well—at all. And if he finds out about the baby? It'll be over. We'll be dead, for sure.” She cracked her knuckles; a tick she'd developed since dating Quinn. “But, then at least I'd finally be free of him,” she noted wryly. “There's always a silver lining.”

“Stop it,” Skye scolded her. “You're not going to die. Not because of a scumbag like Quinn. I'm going to help you.”

“How,” Cassidy asked right as a sob hiccuped from her throat. Angry at the show of weakness, she puffed out a sigh and massaged her temples. “What can you do?”

“I'm one of the head writers for WWE, and I'm close friends with Shane and Stephanie McMahon,” Skye smiled as if those facts held all of life's solutions. “I have a little clout. I'm going to get you a job with the company. Something that will require you to travel all over the country—the world.”

“Skye, I appreciate the thought, really,” Cassidy said reaching over and squeezing her friend's hand. “But I don't think a new job with a built in “around the world” vacation is a permanent answer to my problem.” She reached up and loosened her red hair from its ponytail to relieve some tension in her head.

Skye smiled and shook her head. “No, hon. A vacation isn't the purpose. Having a job with the WWE would keep you traveling. And that would make it more difficult for Quinn to get to you. You'd have numerous built-in bodyguards with all the wrestlers you'd be around all the time. It's perfect.”

Cassidy's tears finally spilled over and fell down her cheeks. “That's so nice of you, Skye. But...”

“What is it, hon,” Skye asked.

“Well, you can't guarantee I'll get hired. And also, I can't expect you to endorse me when we don't even know if I'd be capable of whatever job they gave me. I know absolutely nothing about wrestling. It could hurt your career with WWE. And what with your own dilemma with Josh...”

Josh was Skye's step-brother. A bum from the git go. He kept Skye chained to him with a huge guilt trip, and exploited her kindness ruthlessly.

“And what's more...” Cassidy continued, “I doubt the McMahons would want their huge corporation tainted by me and my problems.”

“Actually, Shane and Stephanie love to try and make a difference in the world. They're not exactly portrayed that way, but they do try to help people who are in bad situations. And forget about Josh,” Skye said, trying to downplay the situation with her step-brother. “He doesn't even factor into this.”

The two women discussed over the next hour, how Cassidy would go home and pack. Then she'd use a credit card to get into a hotel with high security for the night. Skye planned on getting in touch with Shane and having him call Cassidy the next morning to schedule an interview.

“Call me before you leave for the hotel and after you get there,” Skye had requested, hugging Cassidy before she left. “Let me know you are okay.”

Now, as Cassidy neared her home, she gasped at finding Quinn's huge, silver Dodge RAM 1500 parked in the street in front of her house. She pulled her Chevy Tahoe into her circular driveway and killed the engine, trying to calm her racing heart.

“What's he doing here,” she wondered aloud. “Why's he here? It's like he knows where I was—what I was doing.”

Taking a deep soothing breath, she climbed out of the SUV, braving the chilly November air once again and vowed to protect her baby the best she could. She grabbed her purse, shut the car door, and headed for the house. Once she stepped inside, she discovered the home to be quiet. Almost as if no one was there.

Maybe he's taking a nap, she thought hopefully.

Quinn's long, chaotic shifts as an EMT did sometimes took its toll on him. Cassidy had wondered in the beginning if his job wasn't what caused him to fly off the handle and beat her. It didn't take her very long to figure out that he was just an extremely evil man.

She hung her coat and purse on the foyer's coat rack, then headed for the kitchen, careful to make sure her sneakers didn't squeak against the parquet floors. If Quinn was sleeping, she did not want to wake him up and get him angry.

She opened the fridge door and pulled the carton of orange juice out, intending to get some extra vitamins and nutrients for the baby till she could get to her OB-GYN and begin taking pre-natal vitamins.

The sound system she had wired through her entire home crackled slightly. She froze—barely managing to swallow her sip of juice without choking. She immediately knew what would come next.

Marilyn Manson's scratchy, demonic voice blasted from the speakers:

Sweet dreams are made of this Who am I to disagree? Travel the world and the seven seas Everybody's looking for something

Letting her drinking glass slip from her hand, it shattered in the floor as the song continued. Orange juice splattered everywhere, bathing the floor in orange.

The sharp sound of breaking glass was enough to snap her out of her trance and she bolted, running for the living room. She had to get away from that terrifying song! She just had to!

Some of them want to use you Some of them want to get used by you Some of them want to abuse you Some of them want to be abused

“No,” she sobbed softly, as she hurried past the large leather sofa.

Cassidy knew then, if she didn't get away, her baby would never survive. The playing of the grotesque song proved that. Quinn only played it when she'd “misbehaved” and needed punishment.

And she'd heard it so many times.

He knew it frightened her. She'd commented on it early on in their relationship when she'd found him listening to it on his Ipod.

“Marilyn Manson scares the crap out of me,” she'd said lightheartedly and playfully slugging him on the shoulder. “How can you stand to listen to him?”

Looking back, she could see him making a mental note.

I wanna use you and abuse you I wanna know what's inside you

Cassidy all but dove into the foyer to grab her coat and purse, but halted when she saw Quinn standing before the front door. His muscled arms were crossed over his chest, and a dangerous gleam shone in his eyes. He pushed a button on a remote, and Marylin Manson quietened down so they could hear each other speak.

Cassidy panted, and backed up a step, praying at the same time that her legs would hold her up. She was going to need them. “Quinn, please.”

“Where were you?”

“I-I...” She fought to stop the trembling of her chin. “Skye invited me out to lunch. Then we had desert at her house.”

Quinn clicked his tongue at her as he stepped closer. “Mistake number one. You don't go anywhere without asking me.” His index finger jabbed himself in the chest for emphasis while his other hand moved to his pants pocket and slid inside. “Do you have anything else to share with me?”

Breathless, she shook her head. “No. It was just lunch and a visit with my best friend, Quinn. That's all. I promise.”

“Are you sure?”

The soft question accompanied a sadistic smile that was actually not a smile at all. More like a silent snarl.

She gripped the edge of the foyer table to stay upright. “I-I'm sure,” she stammered, as a tear fell down her cheek.

Her phone rang within her purse, and she moved over to the coat rack to answer it.

“Leave it.” He stopped her with an icy glare. “We're having a discussion right now.”

It's over, she thought. He knows something. And he's letting me dig my own grave.

“So, back to the topic of our discussion...I suppose this is nothing?”

Quinn pulled a white pregnancy test from the pocket of his slacks and held it out to her.

Her breath whooshed out as she gazed at the test strip in his hand. Oh, God... He found out. “I... I was waiting for the right time to tell you.” She lied, taking a tentative step toward him and hoping to talk him down for once. “I wanted to make it special for you.”

“And showing me the test wouldn't be special,” he questioned. “Why throw it in the trash can?”

“I wanted to get an official blood test done. And... And show you the results of that test. Home tests aren't always accurate and I didn't want to get your hopes up-”

The slap came fast, and she had no time to ready herself for it.

The force of the blow sent her staggering back into the table behind her. Fire shot up her back and she collapsed to the floor. Instantly, she hugged herself into a ball, trying to protect her unborn baby the only way she knew how. “Quinn...”

“You filthy, lying WHORE,” he shouted as he gave her a kick in the head. Hard enough to debilitate her but not enough to render her unconscious. Her consciousness was always important in his “punishments”. “You won't learn anything if you're out cold,” he'd told her a long time ago.

She cried out at the sudden pain in her head and tried to crawl away. But in the next instant, a hand gripped her fiery hair and lifted her to a sitting position.

“You went and had an abortion,” he accused. “Didn't you?”

Cassidy shook her head vehemently despite the pain reverberating through her skull. “NO! I'd never! Not even when you're...” She trailed off and looked horrified at what she'd almost blurted out.

A cold lambency radiated in Quinn's green eyes and sent a shiver of terror down her spine. “Not even when I'm what? The father?” He gave her no time to reply before his palm slapped her in the exact same place from moments before. “You did get an abortion. I know it.”

“No,” Cassidy croaked out, shaking her head again. “I swear! I didn't!”

“LIAR!!”

The roar burst from his mouth and he slapped her again. “Get upstairs. The bathtub. You're a filthy, lying little slut. And you need a bath.”

“God, no. Please, Quinn...” She shook her head in disbelief, briefly tasting blood on her lips. Not water, she thought. Please, no water torture. She berated herself for the millionth time for divulging all her fears to him throughout their relationship. Because she'd trusted him, he knew her ultimate fear was drowning. And he used that fear ruthlessly. One of his favorite punishments for her was a “bath”.

He whipped his belt out of his slacks and popped it at her. “Up. Stairs.”

“Quinn, please! Don't make me! I didn't do anything! I'm still pregnant! Please, don't hurt the baby!”

The next time he popped the thick leather belt, it was against her. It slashed over her shoulder and down to her mid back. The pain didn't register for a second, but then fire seemed to bloom all over her torso. She screamed in agony, and then with a sob, turned onto her stomach and crawled for the stairs as Marilyn Manson blared through the speakers again.

“GO!!”

Another slash of the belt landed on her back and she collapsed to the floor, crying as the scorch of the belt lit her tender skin ablaze. And still, the belt came down again and again, mercilessly biting into her flesh.

Finally, the pain seemed to stop. She felt nothing—just fatigue and nausea. She couldn't even move. Something warm and sticky glued her shirt to her back, and suddenly she felt cold—unbearably cold. Her teeth chattered and her slender frame shook.

Then a strong hand snatched one of hers and she felt herself being dragged for a distance. She was tugged upward and hard wood began bumping into her and digging into her bloodied back. She moaned softly at the discomfort, barely able to keep her eyes open. It finally occurred to her that she was being dragged up the stairs of her home.

Finally she was slid across the slick tiling of her bathroom, lifted up and dumped carelessly into her huge, filled bathtub. The cold water gave her another vicious round of shivers. She was suddenly a little more alert, and fought the urge to gasp for air. Instead, she tried to hold her breath and struggled to rise above the surface. Quinn's hands held her under the water however, and in her panic she dug her nails into his skin, desperate for him to release her. He shifted his hands to her throat and squeezed.

“You'll breathe when I say you can breathe.”

His voice was distorted under the water's surface, but she was able to make out his words.

“That's the whole point of these punishments, Cassidy. You have to learn that I'm in control. I provide your needs. You can't-”

Suddenly, she heard a female's scream interrupt his speech.

“Get off of her you-”

There was a splash next to her and then a thrashing of arms.

“YOU SON OF A-!”

A southern male voice roared in anger and then Quinn's hands left her, and there was a commotion. Weakly, Cassidy tugged herself up over the edge of the tub and sucked in a mouthful of air. Starbursts exploded behind her eyes, and her vision dimmed to almost nothing. Her already weak grip on the tub's edge was loosening further.

“Oh, God... Cassidy!”

She heard Skye's frantic voice nearly screaming over the loud music, but couldn't muster the strength to answer her. Kind arms wrapped around her and tugged her out of the tub and settled her against the floor. “Cassidy,” Skye said loudly, trying to rouse her friend. “Come on, sweetie. Talk to me. AJ, get that remote from him. Shut that garbage off.”

Cassidy could hear punches being dished out and worried that Quinn was now attacking Skye. The horrid music shut off however, and she could hear much clearer.

“How do you like it, ya piece o' garbage??”

The male southerner's drawl caused Cassidy to jolt. There was a harsh thud—a body hitting the floor.

“You like beatin' defenseless women?? How do you like gettin' a beatin'?”

A whimper passed Cassidy's lips. “Please, don't let him... hurt... baby...” She tried to voice the words, but it just came out a strangled moan.

“AJ,” Skye scolded softly. “You're scaring her even more. Tone it down. You knocked him out cold. The cops will take it from here when they arrive. We need to get her to the hospital.”

“How is she,” the man asked. He'd moved closer to her. His southern accent sounded less menacing now. Warmer. “How are you? Did he hurt you?”

“I'm fine. Just soaked is all. She's not good,” Skye murmured. “I think she's in shock.”

“Yeah,” the man agreed softly. “I used to be an EMT. Her pupils are so blown out, I can't make out her eye color. She's definitely in shock. We need to get her out of those wet clothes or she'll freeze. Can you go get her a blanket? And some dry clothes for yourself. You'll catch your death outside.”

Cassidy felt calloused hands begin gently tugging at her wet jeans and winced. A pained moan passed her lips.

“I know, sugar,” the man murmured. “I know it hurts. And I'm so sorry.”

Her jeans were pulled completely from her body and then she was turned onto her side as he began pulling her soaked t-shirt over her head.

“Oh, my God.”

Skye had returned. And she sounded horrified.

“AJ... Her back...”

"I know, baby. He whipped her," AJ mumbled. "A lot. I shouldda killed him."

“Come on. Help me wrap her in the blanket. We don't have time to wait on the cops and then for them to dispatch an ambulance.”

A couple minutes later, Cassidy felt herself wrapped up snugly in a soft warm blanket, and then lifted into strong arms. Her head fell against a sturdy shoulder as she was carried. “My... baby...” Her eyes grew heavy as she barely managed to utter the words.

“The baby will be fine, honey,” Skye said. “We're getting you to the hospital.”

“Can you drive,” the southern voice drawled.

“Of course. Just get her in the back and try to keep her comfortable.”

A car door opened and then Cassidy felt herself being shifted and settled into a lap. “'m sleepy...” she mumbled as she gave into the temptation to let herself completely relax in AJ's arms. “So cold...”

Her eyes closed fully, and she heard Ajs voice say softly, “Rest, honey. We're getting you some help. Skye, can you crank up the heaters?”

They were still speaking when she drifted into pitch darkness.

[emersonfreepress]

What would the ro's be like in a zombie au?

whyyyyy anon whyyy. I'm actually gonna write this in like.. slightly different terms, you'll see. any time I even briefly think of a zombie au I'm just like

I WANNA WRITE IT SO BADDD

i don't even allow myself to entertain it for very long because getting into that would be the worst thing ever for my productivity with the alpha omg 😂😂 so I'll put like the ideas that pop into my head for writing a zombie au, to work some of that creative frustration out 😆

so in this very general, absolutely noncommittal idea of mine, the main cast are older and the setting is in and around a civilian settlement led by the Emersons.

and as a refresher, i like my zombie aus to have fast zombies and fast infections ^ ^ 28 Days Later/Train to Busan style babyyyy, we the Sprinting Dead up in this bitch 😆

= = =

Gabe is, predictably, looking for what's left of his family. Following rumors of safe havens and bunkers and such. Starts the story as someone who tries to be diplomatic, if not outright pacifist, but as times get tougher and resources dwindle, he'd become one of the most cutthroat motherfuckers in the wasteland. Low-key though, low-key. People won't trust you if they know you’re capable of throwing them to a horde for strategic reasons. Like if Rick turned into Shane (for those of us familiar with early Walking Dead--idk did that happen eventually? i gave up before we even met Negan lol). The end justifies the means :) Damn, I can legit see Gabe going full evil in a zombie au omg 😂😂 i want to write it so fucking bad

Preferred weapon for zed encounters: rifle

Preferred weapon for human encounters: handgun

Faith in humanity: fucking zero

Zombie kill count: plenty; the type to kill every zombie he has spare ammo and time for

Human kill policy: When it benefits him or the people he’s looking after

Survival rating: B+; he can make it out of some pretty dire situations through sheer will to live and ruthlessness

- - -

Kile has arrived--clearly, this is the timeline they belong in. They start their journey with Gabe (and their doggo) and stick to him like glue, even reluctantly so when Gabe eventually has them join the settlement. This can only go one way, though: Kile's just too much of a wildcard for the group and hates being told what to do. (Especially now that society has fallen, wtf) They'd make their exit alone and unannounced aside from a brief head’s up to Gabe. It's slightly bittersweet, but also? They get to loot and hunt and sneak around and kill fucking zombies, all by themself. Kile is a loner, a hiker, and a hunter to begin with so they do beyond fine on their own. However, once the inevitable violent human threat comes for the settlement, Gabe is sent out to convince Kile to come out of isolation, just this once please, to be the camp’s super soldier help defend the camp.

Zed weapon: p much anything they can get their hands on, ranged or melee, blunt or sharp, w/e; improvised weapons

Human weapon: hunting knife

Faith in humanity: never had any to begin with

Zombie kill count: lol infinite?? any zed they come across is double-dead if they have the time for it

Human kill policy: at Gabe’s direction or when provoked enough/threatened

Survival rating: A-; they trust no one, live in isolation, and prioritize survival above all else. only reason it’s not higher is they would risk their life for Gabe or their furbaby and also... their own Rambo-esque antics def attracts the occasional horde lmao

- - -

Jack... this poor boy, he doesn't deserve a zombie au 😂 He's one of those people that first believes zombies are just sick people, too squeamish to keep up with TV news coverage at the onset and too upset to consider anything else. He'd hunker down at home, staying holed up even while his neighbors evacuated, and probably be discovered while the main group is looting the same place as him. When people try to tell him the real state of the world, he'd be in denial until he absolutely couldn't be anymore. idk, probably after Kile shooting a bunch of non-lethal holes thru a zombie to make a point (attracting more in the process lol).

He’d almost immediately join the medical team at the settlement and as word spreads about how easy he is to talk to, he quickly becomes the literal on-site therapist. It's a role he embraces but... idk if it's an emotional burden he can bear. He's very emotionally resilient! But he ain't a professional lol imagine a whole settlement of traumatized zombie survivors seeking you out for counseling, yikes. He also can't say no to a person in need, so instead he quietly spirals into a very private depression while continuing to help others!!

Zed weapon: Oh gosh, do I really have to?

Human weapon: ...Kindness?

Faith in humanity: Unrealistically high

Zombie kill count: Single digit

Human kill policy: Not ever, unless completely unavoidable and to defend the defenseless

Survival rating: C...? idk, that feels generous. D+. To be protected at all costs!!

- - -

Jessie also had the initial reaction of hoping zombies could be saved, but she woke up from that dream swiftly. The science-minded person that she is, esp with her interest in biology, leaves her determined to find anybody who's got the intellect, expertise, and resources to start doing actual work toward a treatment, cure, vaccine—anything. Nothing would get her to finally unabashedly embrace her love of science (and innate leadership skills!!) faster than a zombie apocalypse! In fact, it’s thanks to her that the Emerson settlement’s got a small but growing team of scientists doing as much research as humanly possible to best educate the others on the outbreak and zombie behavior. Def no zombie experimentation going on though lol. ...Not yet, at least.

Zed weapon: rifle

Human weapon: rifle

Faith in humanity: High! We’ll find a solution! Don’t give up hope!

Zombie kill count: Double digits, but less than 30

Human kill policy: Only in unavoidable self-defense or defense of others

Survival rating: B! She has experience with ranged weapons, farming and gardening skills, first aid, camping experience, and a can-do attitude with a healthy dose of realism!

- - -

Rain remains cargo as I said in the last post about this 😆 They'd be very good for keeping clothes repaired and making useful modifications in the settlement, but their life up to this point has been very sheltered and privileged. We're talking somebody with a chauffeur and a personal chef before the outbreak! They would contribute to quality of life and homemaking efforts more than anything—an overlooked aspect of these scenarios tbh! After as many months of dragging their feet as possible and being nigh impossible to track down when you need them, they eventually become involved in meal planning and even help out with medical stuff if they're asked.

Zed weapon: how do you reload this thing again?

Human weapon: switchblade or other concealable sharp-pointy

Faith in humanity: Very low

Zombie kill count: 0! Can you believe it!

Human kill policy: Well if it’s you or me, of course I’m choosing me.

Survival rating: C. Being so tiny helps them find good hiding spots and their self-preservation is high enough to keep them from unnecessary risk-taking. Plus they're very stealthy! Self-defense is a major issue though, so hiding is always their best option.

- - -

Rupan/Rohan scouts for and leads scavenging missions and is Curt's right hand on the recruitment team. The two of them together are the perfect combo of diplomacy, debate, and deception--although R is more honorable about the last one and will only deceive for strategic reasons. When they aren’t looting and recruiting, they’re doing peacekeeping inside the settlement. Most social disputes end up getting brought to them for mediation and they’re pretty dang good at making and enforcing calls. One day they’ll wake up to realize they’ve basically become a sheriff and feel the need to puke their guts up and do something, anything, to reassure themself they’re still punk 😂

Zed weapon: SMG

Human weapon: shotgun

Faith in humanity: Believes in fundamental goodness but knows better than to trust first impressions

Zombie kill count: decent, more than 40; you won’t catch them having a field day tho, they’re trying to gtfo of most zed situations

Human kill policy: Violent threats have to be taken out. And they aren’t, at all, immune to a revenge rampage either...

Survival rating: B-. Can handle themself both with humans and zeds but is vulnerable to hostage situations and truly difficult sentimental/interpersonal decisions!

- - -

Vivian/Vincent manages inventory and stock and they run it so efficiently it’s scary! They're the perfect pick: a hawk-eyed tyrant and tattletale 😂 Despite constantly butting heads with just about everyone on every imaginable thing, they quickly become an important part of the inner circle of decision-makers for the settlement at large. Terrible at stealth, jumpy, and squeamish at the sight of blood and gore, they literally never go on missions unless they're 100% needed for their expertise on a supply run. (They would deny all of these shortcomings are that big a problem, meanwhile R is definitely acting as their bodyguard lol.) When they do tag along, they're prone to becoming the damsel in distress. Seriously, it happens near every fucking time. It's like they just attract only the most improbable and perilous zombie attacks and hostage situations 😆

Zed weapon: shotgun

Human weapon: handgun

Faith in humanity: Medium; seeing people work together at the settlement helps restore it a bit

Zombie kill count: Double digits, under 25

Human kill policy: Violent threats have to be taken out. Well, no, not by me! Get one of the ruffians to do it!

Survival rating: C-. They’d be higher if they weren’t such natural zombie bait.

- - -

Heidi is running the settlement, well-organized to the degree of actually managing to bring bureaucracy to a post-zombie apocalypse settlement 😂 People are free to come and go, but getting in if you don't live there requires trading something of value (fuel, med supplies, food, etc), temporary surrender and registry of firearms and explosives, and you gotta GTFO at the time and date specified upon entry! You can stay long-term if you contribute to the community in a tangible way—and each person admitted is approved by Heidi personally. Yes, every individual. No, she has no free time. And she is not known to be lenient with rule breakers—you want rule bending, you’ll have to go to Curt for that. People kind of hate her, but it can't be denied that she runs a tight ship. She kind of throws herself into the work to avoid the harsher reality at large and hasn't left the settlement in a long time. She's out of touch with how bad things have gotten in the wastes, but she knows better than to take reports at anything less than face value--even when she's skeptical.

Zed weapon: rifle

Human weapon: handgun; dagger

Faith in humanity: Medium. It fluctuates, honestly

Zombie kill count: Double digits, less than 20

Human kill policy: Violent threats must be taken out if they can’t be reasoned with. Spare those who surrender, eradicate those who don't, keep an eye on the newbies. Not tryin’ to nurse any vendettas around here lol

Survival rating: B. She's good with a firearm, masterful at persuasion, and savvy enough to calculate risks appropriately. Also far tougher than her prim exterior and demeanor suggests!

- - -

Curt leads the recruitment and reconnaissance teams! When a new person or group shows up in the area, Curt's the one who stalks watches them, decides if they're worth approaching, and if they should be approached with an invitation, a simple acknowledgment/announcement of their presence, or an outright armed warning to leave the area. He also keeps tabs on morale and general confidence inside the settlement, alongside R. When he isn’t leading those efforts, though, he’s flirting with settlers and squirreling his way out of manual labor and other chores. He’s also secretly growing weed at his place--don’t tell Heidi or Vi ‘cause they’ll wanna yell at him and ration it UGH.

Zed weapon: SMG, explosives

Human weapon: handgun, dagger

Faith in humanity: Pft, sorry, what now?

Zombie kill count: ...way more than you’d expect

Human kill policy: I don’t start confrontations, but I sure as fuck end them.

Survival rating: A! He’s good at playing hapless idiot when it suits him to be underestimated, good with firearms, and capable of being ruthless and decisive in life or death situations! Plus he has no qualms about ditching the settlement if he decides it’s not working out for him. Just don’t tell Heidi lol

[wildshub]

WHO: Alexa Levy, Erin Walsh, Izzy Connelly, and Joss King WHAT: Alexa and Izzy go into the jungle in search of Erin and Joss. WHEN: Day 16 NOTE: For future reference.

Alexa she wasn't sure how long they'd been walking or where exactly they'd ended up, but it felt like they'd been gone for hours and like it would take hours to come back. she was starting to lose hope in finding them, at least today. "i think, maybe we should just...try again tomorrow? like, will we even make it back before dark? shane was very very specific about being back before dark like, that was sort of...sort of like a point a. like, rule numero uno...ya know?" she was breathing fast, herstep uneven and jumpy over the messy ground half of which could not be seen. she could have easily stepped on a snake at any point. or a gator, or a tropical bear cub. "erin! joss!" she screams for the hundredth time, until something grabs her attention. "d-did you hear that?"

Izzy izzy glanced anxiously over at lex. yes, it was getting dark; izzy was pretty sure they'd been walking for four hours, maybe a little more. it wasn't dark now, but it would almost definitely be pitch black by the time they got back to class. but - okay, yeah, shane said to be back by dark. but. izzy wasn't sure she could stomach the idea of walking back into camp without jocelyn and erin - without at least being able to affirm that they were okay, if nothing else. "uh - uh, yeah. but... like, maybe we can just look for like, thirty more minutes? i mean, just go a little further? if that's okay by you?" she offered nervously, mouth twisting into a frown as she looked around. yes, she was tired - so fucking tired, and they'd been traveling uphill, and her lungs were beginning to ache just a little. but she wasn't ready to go back yet. that's what she was thinking as she joined in calling after erin and jocelyn - until she heard the noise, some kind of whooshing, a snapping, something kind of ominous, too loud to be the girls they were looking for. not human enough. she glanced over at lex with bright, frightened eyes, trying to remain calm, because, look, maybe it was nothing. "um... yeah. maybe we should just... hang back for a second."

Alexa she nods at izzy, agreeing to thirty more minutes out here which would ultimately not take away that much of their time. "god, as much as i hope to find them i hope they're not really out here. it's scary as fuck...can't imagine it dark..." she shivers, feeling like a total pussy but at the same time like they were close. really close. as the fear of the unknown is added a sound and that sound grows louder and izzy's voice quieter, she can hear only the beating of her own heart growing stronger in her ears. fuck, they were about to die. they were about to get eaten by lions or pumas or whatever the fuck the tropical version of them shits was. "i'm not ready to die..." she whispers, panic rising in her voice with every word. "i did not survive deep diving to be eaten by fucking lions, na-ah, too young, too pretty, look at me izzy i'm at my prime like, i'm not..." she does shut her mouth as the branches snap even closer and when she feels something touch her leg, whatever it was, a branch, dash of wind, whatever, she bolts ahead. "run, izzy, run!" without even looking back, she can hear something marching after her, something heavy and she screams as loud as her lungs will allow. "fuuuck!" not the pig, not the fucking pig. she had never ran so fast in her whole life, shed felt like she was flying. screams came one after the other and she hoped izzy had stayed back safe, behind the ugly beast. then when she thinks she can no longer hear it, she looks over her shoulder just a bit and the next thing she knows is the floor and pain rushing through her. this scream was different, deeper. it was all so sudden that she did not know where the beast had gone, if izzy was here, if she was imagining the voice of erin and joss coming through. all she could feel was her ankle, totally fucked. and tears coming through.

Izzy izzy shrugged helpfully. "they're somewhere out here; we know that. let's just hope they're somewhere safe, and, like... not too far away," she offered, taking a protective step closer to the other girl when she heard the fear in her voice. "hey," she said softly, "we'll be okay," she promised, but she didn't know that for a fact, and she was pretty sure her voice had come out a little thin, and afraid, and unconvincing. as the noise gets louder, though, and as lex keeps talking, izzy's eyes grow wide and her face grows pale, heart thrumming in her chest, which is constricting painfully now, breath catching with anxiety as she backs up a little, praying thoughtlessly, just a wordless begging in her mind as the noise grows closer, and closer. she puts one finger to her lips - if lex wants to stay in her prime, she needs to be quiet - and then, OH, SHIT, oh shit, oh, fuck - the fucking pig, the fucking pig, why didn't they bring a weapon? she watches in horror, glued to her spot like the ineffectual coward she knows she is as the pig chases after lex, and she sees white, and feels that sick sensation of fear, no, no, no, please no, and she's yelling without even hearing herself until the pig - that fucking pig, jesus christ - darts off to the left, and there's that one second of relief, that beautiful, cool relief, and izzy lets out a tearless sob for just a moment before she hears lex scream, that sick, guttural scream, and then izzy is running for her. "lex!" she calls out, breathless, running as fast as she could ever manage, and she basically trips onto her knees beside the other, dirt against flesh, vision swimming with tears, "are you okay? oh my god, what happened, are you okay?"

Erin It feels like her heart has jumped up her throat and was sitting directly between her ears. Chest rising and falling quickly with her rapid breathing as she tried her best to stay as quiet as a mouse in their hiding place. She's not sure when she grabbed Joss' hand, or if it was Joss that grabbed her's, but she doesn't let go. They'd heard the voices calling out their names for the better part of the afternoon, trying to stay ahead of them– until they'd finally had to hide because they couldn't outrun a boar as well. Then it's just listening. Listening desperately. Had they managed to get away? That thought, and any thought of getting away disappeared when she heard Lex's scream. Not because it was closer but because it was Lex and it sounded like she was hurt, badly. And no matter how hard Erin had tried to convince herself over the last two days that she didn't care about the Eves because none of them cared about her, it was all a big fat lie. She cared a lot, like a stupid amount all things considered. She looked to Joss, but her decision was already made by the time their eyes locked. She let go of her hand and moved towards the scream. She moved quickly, and soon enough her eyes landed on Lex and Izzy. Both on the ground, if they weren't crying already they looked like they were about to. Without even thinking she hurried towards them, " What happened? " She asked worriedly as she approached, hands holding onto trees as she passed them so she wouldn't lose her balance herself. " What happened? Are you guys okay? " She asked again, trying to take in what she was seeing but she really wasn't really sure what that was.

Joss Joss tried to focus on anything but her racing heart or the anxiety that filled the pit of her stomach like bile rising into her throat. The warmth of Erin's hand in hers, the fabric that covered the back of Erin's shoulders, how would she describe the colour if she had to, how many stitches could she see in the seems. Anything but the thought that at any given moment they might be dragged back to camp to face the consequences of their departure and worse, face the boys that had inspired it. Then, suddenly, Erin had broken away from Joss and without thinking about it, the blonde followed suit, her legs carrying her so quickly that her mind had no time to protest. Overwhelmed by the circumstances; the sudden appearance of Izzy and Lex, the sound of screams and what must have been the boar that had plowed through the Adams days before, she stood still, in silence, allowing Erin to take the lead.

Alexa She might’ve screamed more than she had to and realised it too late so she thought it best to keep up the act. She was still in pain, it just wasn’t AS bad as her scream would have implied. That was, of course, until she saw the blood. On her foot, her hands, everywhere. Was it the adrenaline? Was she actually dying? She screamed some more, she felt dizzy. “I’m gonna die. Im gonna die oh my God…” she felt the panic coming on, and even the relief of Erin and Joss did not much soften that blow. She looked at each of the girls, like a cry for help, like they were supposed to just know what to do. Fear had ran through her and her whole body shook like a willow tree during cold winter winds. “Im okay I’m okay I’m okay, it was t-the pig the pig it ran and it…I tried to and then it, and then I f-fell and I swear there was…there…it went that way, what if it comes back? What if?” Suddenly she felt something else, like anger of sorts. They wouldn’t have been here, they would not have even gone out of the two had not just abandoned them. “W-where the hell, where have you been!? We were all, we were worried SICK! A-and we…” she tried to get up and leaning onto the tree but the sharp pain rushed through her foot again and she fell back on the ground with a deep moan. She was exhausted, she was absolutely fucking exhausted. Of the walking and diving and this whole fucking island. None of this was real, it cannot be real. “I’m happy to see you.” She closes her eyes, laying down on the floor as she focuses on breathing. “W-we came for you…I’m so happy you’re okay…”

Izzy fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. amelia had called it their mom's 'final girl face.' ( she gets all dead behind the eyes and her lips get all thin, iz. ) was that how izzy looked now? "you are not," she said sternly, stripping down to her bra and spreading the shirt out between her hands, wrapping lex's leg gently, almost mechanically, without a single thought in her head for those few seconds. "you're okay, you're okay," she cooed softly, paying a great deal of attention to make sure she compressed it right. shit, shit, shit. "do you think it's broken?" she asked lex, voice even and calm. "or maybe just sprained, or just bruised?" she continued, one hand comfortingly on lex's shoulder, heart beating wildly in her chest despite her demeanor, which was as close to put together as anyone could manage at a time like this. it took lex yelling at them for izzy to really register that erin and joss were there; she'd been so focused for a moment that the rest of the world had bled out. "hey," she said to lex, soft but stern, "stop talking." she hoped that her tone would imply that talking was bad for lex's hurt leg or something, but really, she just didn't want lex chewing them out. her eyes flared in alarm when lex tried to get up, and izzy did what she could to support the other when her ankle seemed to buckle under her, but she wans't nearly strong enough, so it was more like she was a soft place to land. "hey, don't," she instructed. shit, shit, shit. if lex couldn't stand on it - now, four hours away from camp? fuck, fuck, fuck. finally, breathlessly, she turned to joss and erin, and offered them a weak grin, face sweaty and pale, still panting a little. "hey," she said, all she could muster for the second. i'll deal with them later, and deal with this now. one step forward, two steps back, right? she leaned down, making eye contact with lex."lex, look at me. how bad does it hurt? 1 to 10?"

Erin In the world's most overused metaphor: it's like a rollercoaster. But a totally shitty one. Literally none of it was thrilling or exciting. It just went from one horrible loop to a terrible moment of suddenly going backwards to another loop. She's crouched by Lex but not as close as Izzy and providing no real help other than being ready to move should she fall again. As it seems she settles on the ground again, and Izzy seems to have it handled, Erin stands. Taking a step back so she's closer to Joss. Thinking about how she should have just stayed holding her hand instead of stepping out just to be yelled at. Lied to. Ignored. Jesus. She cast a glance to Joss, a small apology in her eyes. She wonders if Joss had been thinking the same thing she had, and that's why she moved, or if it was simply because Erin had. She looked back to Izzy and Lex when the former greeted them– offering a momentary awkward pursed smile and small lift of hand as greeting in return. She wanted to rewind the clock by like two minutes, at least. Or she wanted to be the sort of person who could just walk away from this situation, even after entering it willingly. But she simply wasn't.

Alexa she couldn’t think much, which wasn’t that uncommon, but considering the situation it was a bit more to the extreme side of not being able to think at fucking all. And when Izzy took her shirt off to help, her brain had a total and utter freeze and she didn’t process the questions until moments later when she decided to scream again as the shirt touched her leg. “Fuuuuuck fuck! I am fucked it’s so fucking broken look at it! It’s disgusting!” She now starts to cry, genuinely cry as her teary eyes look over Erin and Joss, hoping breaking limbs over them was actually worth it and she would not have to fame passing out. “It hurts 25. It hurts so bad I just wanna go back, let’s go back…guys, we came to get you! T-the boys are gone they like disappeared, y-you’re safe to come back now. Everyone wants you back, we all want you back. We almost like…we almost died getting the black box and we got it and…” she trails off pushing her hair back as she look at Izzy hoping the other would follow along in convincing. “J-Jude smacked her head we don’t even know if she’ll be fine and Shane, I mean maybe it’s best you go see for yourselves ya know? We need you guys, we need you back.”

Izzy jesus christ. on a scale from one to bad, this is bad, right? she pushes herself up off of the ground and blinks hard, turning away for a second to collect herself, taking her inhaler from her pocket, shaking it, and taking a puff. with a long, shaky breath, she nods to herself for a minute, deciding to collect herself, deciding the quell the way she feels that anxiety pooling in her chest. one thing at a time, connelly. one foot in front of the other. first things first: lex. izzy turns back to the others, putting on a brave face and placing one hand comfortingly on the crown of lex's head. "hey, you're okay - it's not disgusting. just..." she said, leaning down again to peek beneath the wrap. was it broken? she had no way of telling, not like this. "just don't put weight on it, okay? you need to rest. and... maybe chill out a little. your blood pressure," she advised - really, she just didn't want herself or the others feeding off of lex's hysterical energy. then, she turned to the others, taking another long, even breath, so calm, so cool. my name is izzy connelly, and welcome to my tedtalk. "what she's trying to say is that shane sent us. so, uh, yesterday, clarke and oona went to give the boys back their axe, but - well, they're... like, gone. like, no sign of them, anywhere, and that's clarke's brother, so they looked everywhere. so we came to come tell you that, okay? and shane told me to tell you," she said, pivoting towards joss, "that - uh, 'magic happened and the boys vanished.' she said you'd know what that mean. and she said that she'll burn your hoodie if you don't come back with us - i'm just the messenger, you get that, right? - oh, and she said that needs you here. plus some profanity, but, uh..." she trailed off. yeah, still too scared of joss to give that a try. she could fill in the blanks herself.

Joss Joss twisted her mouth uncomfortably as Lex berated them. She supposed she had considered the idea that the others would be mad at them for leaving if they ever saw each other again but experiencing it in reality was another thing altogether and it made her stomach hurt a little bit. She felt useless as Izzy assisted Lex and even more so when Erin dropped to her knees to help out. The best she could offer was a comforting back rub or a hand to hold but Lex had snapped at them moments beforehand and Joss wasn't quite sure what to believe; whether Lex was furious as her first words would indicate, or relieved as she had assured them in the words that followed. Joss was lost. More lost than she had been wandering the uncharted jungle in the days beforehand. As soon as Lex started to cry, however, any reservations that Joss had had swiftly disappeared and she dropped to her knees beside her, "It's alright, it's going to be alright, we can fix this," she promised with confidence she didn't deserve to have. "I know it hurts," she assured her, rubbing the other girl's back affectionately, "-but it's going to be fine," she added, observing the injury more intently now. Completely torn out of the situation by Izzy's utterance, Joss furrowed her brow at the mention of Shane's words. "She said that?" it was clear that she had indeed said that, how else would Izzy have known? "What- wait, what do you mean? Why did she say that? Why isn't she here?"

Alexa She felt so strangely comforted by all hands on her, especially when Joss jumped in too. It was like being in hot girl heaven and she regretted not losing a foot sooner. Because surely that was about to happen, right? It's not like they had an orthopedic surgeon on-site to fix her all nice and neat. It was dreadful, she had such lovely feet. But then again there was Izzy, almost topless, pressing on that ankle. Erin, with her usual 'get down to business' attitude, and Joss, God bless, with just doing best she can to comfort her even if she didn't deserve it. She didn't, after all, she didn't deserve jack fucking shit from Joss. Not after being such a shit friend. And she knew she'd been a shit friend, she knew based on the reaction Shane's name alone had prompted. After all, here she was, practically dead for the second time in two days and Joss' eyes only filled with that...spark at the mention of Shane. She was jealous, granted, but not jealous enough to flip out over it no, she had just gotten her back and she wasn't gonna fuck that up. "I'll be fine? M-maybe, but...I need help getting back? What if I lose my foot? I can't...I shouldn't walk right now I don't...I feel dizzy...m-maybe some, some water?" she sighs dramatically, hoping no one would notice and grateful for the acting lessons she truly did fucking suck at. But she pretended most of her life anyway, to be happy, to be present, to be popular. So this was that, just another instagram story, an act for an ultimate good fucking goal. "S-Shane really wants you back, she really does she...she couldn't come because she...well, she can't really walk either, right Iz? She injured her uh....hip, yeah hip..." she looks over at Izzy, stern look but very very short. "Anyways, she sent us out for you a-and you should see how sad she's been since you guys left just...come back? Please?"

Izzy these were dramatics, weren't they? they had to be, right? how could lex pivot from i'll be fine to what if i lose my foot in a matter of seconds? izzy couldn't even tell how freaked out she should be. with amelia, she always knew, but with lex, well, it was just a total mystery. still, she dug a water bottle out of her backpack, uncapping it and handing it to lex. "you're not going to lose your foot," she said gently, "you just hurt it. you've just gotta rest, okay? just rest it." okay, that was the R in RICE, sure, and izzy had handled the compressing as best as she could; ice was pretty much a no-go, though, and they could deal with elevation when they got back. and then lex just starts lying, and izzy turns to blink at her, shaking her head a little before pinching the bridge of her nose, ever beleaguered. jesus christ! well, if she could lie, she much not be in that bad of shape. "that's not - no - what? i - lex, please," she begged, before turning back to joss and erin and giving them a weak shrug, as if to say: i just work here, man. not to throw lex under the bus, but come on. "um - no, shane, her hip is fine, she just - she decided to hang back, look after camp, make sure jude was doing okay, i think. and, i mean, she seemed... pretty upset, and i think maybe - like, it would have been hard for her to go out here if she couldn't find you," she said - more of a guess than anything, maybe projecting a little, but still. "but... the boys are gone, and shane - pretty much everyone, really - wanted us to go and get you and see if you'd come back. i guess - i mean, shane could probably explain it better, or clarke or oona, but, i mean... it's like they were never there, you know?" but, of course, they didn't know, because izzy barely knew, because it was absolutely unbelievable; still, izzy hoped they understood, if not from knowing izzy, then from her tone, that she would never lie about something like that.

Erin There's something completely off about all of this, Erin thinks. Between Izzy and Lex not being able to settle on a story and Izzy seeming to convey some sort of code from Shane to Joss but Shane not being here. It doesn't feel right. Not to mention the bold claim that the boys were gone. What did that even mean? It all gave her a stomach ache– or made the one she had already grow worse. That was probably more accurate. " I don't understand, " She said, because it simply didn't make sense. None of it. She shook her hand out before pushing stray hairs out of her face, brows furrowed as she tried to align the information she had just been given. " What do you mean they're gone? " She asked, looking to Izzy when she asked. Between the two, she was certainly more reliable. And, to her memory, Izzy had never made her feel like shit. " Like, you can't find them or ... ? " She raised her brows to end her sentence, because they couldn't just be gone. That wasn't possible. And if other people could explain it better, why weren't they here? She glanced again to Joss, but only for a split moment this time, wondering if she was thinking the same thing she was. But as she looks back to the other two she remembers the injury at hand, and the small request Lex had made in between multiple apparent lies. " Water, right, " she said quietly to herself, letting backpack slip from her shoulder so she could pull recently filled water bottle from it. " Here, " She said, offering it to Lex once she had unscrewed the top. Joss Joss felt her anxiety building more and more by the second. Lex was injured, Shane was injured but then she wasn't, Jude was injured, the boys had apparently disappeared. It was all too much for the blonde to take in all at once and with little to no time to properly process any of it, she just felt stressed instead.  "So which one is it?" Joss snapped with unintentional bite as Izzy corrected Lex. "Is she hurt or is she not hurt? Are the boys gone or are they not gone? What's the truth?" she sounded just a little unhinged as she questioned them forcefully, desperate for an answer that was the right one. How the fuck could she trust any of it? It was hard enough to trust it to begin with - Lex had been one of the main proponents of forging an alliance with the boys in the first place, enough so that she's called Joss out for being so against it. Now, Lex seemed completely unaffected by the idea that the boys had vanished. How could that be? Not to mention the Shane thing. Either she was fine or she wasn't, there was no in between but neither of the girls had presented Joss with a believable explanation and now she didn't know what to think and it made her prickle.

Alexa Annoyed that Izzy didn't back her, just for the sake of the girls returning, she now had to deal with her lie causing doubt. Fuck. Whiny and wiping the tears away, she accepts the water closest to her and takes a sip before letting out a small sigh. "Fine, fine I lied about Shane fucking up her hip but...everything else is true. We don't know what happened to the boys like, Clarke and Oona say they straight up vanished. Them, all their stuff, there is literally no signs that they were ever around at all apparently. M-maybe they got rescued and are sending back help - or they just moved camp or something, the point is, they're gone, and now that you know that, you know just as much as us about the rest of it. And Jude is genuinely hurt like she hurt her head I have no idea if she's fine or not, she was still out by the time we left and..." she wants to get up again but is too chicken to actually do it. "Look, I don't...know why you guys left and felt...safer without the rest of us, and I don't know what to say to get you to come back but, we're a team, right? We're in this together I mean, are you just gonna live out here all by yourselves? What if the help comes what if...what if something happens to you or...to us? Do you...do you not care?" she didn't want to believe that. She couldn't believe that. "The second I found out you were gone I packed my shit. I mean, I literally wore flats and got chased by a pig, let's just...can we just go back to the camp a-and discuss all this and then...I mean, come on...we're all we've got..."

Izzy izzy gave a little sigh of relief as lex began to be upfront with the others - as upfront as she could be, with none of them being totally sure of exactly what had happened to the boys. seeing lex look so weak, izzy feels a pang of sympathy for her, and kneels back down again, rubbing her back, a silent apology for not being able to just go along with her random lies - you know, morally. "listen," she said softly, turning to joss and erin again. "we don't know exactly what happened, or why the boys aren't here anymore; just that there's no sign of them, like they were never there in the first place - like magic, i guess - and that clarke and oona looked everywhere. so, i mean... you don't have to, but if you want to, then maybe you could just come back - at least for a minute, to touch base, tell people you're okay, and maybe listen to oona tell you exactly what she saw. if you want to. if you feel, you know, okay to," she said, voice even and gentle. again, she moved to her feet, wiping her hands off on her jeans ( which had long since been rolled into shorts ). izzy desperately wanted jocelyn and erin to come back to camp, but she was not the boss of them, and she was not going to force them to do anything they didn't want to do. what kind of a hypocrite would that make her? "also," she added with a little sigh, "i can't carry her back on my own." one hand moved absently to the ugly, pink, still healing scar that was visible on her bare abdomen, and only then did it occur to her that, now shirtless, all of her scars were exposed; only then did it occur to her to be self conscious. of course, they had bigger issues than izzy's vanity, so she breezed by the issue, speaking again. "i guess - i mean, if you really don't want to come anywhere near camp, i could go back and get someone who could carry her, but... i can't leave her all by herself. not here, not like this, i mean..." look at her.

Joss Joss clenched her jaw when Lex questioned their compassion for the rest of their group. Had it not already been demonstrated before? In the way Erin had provided aid and organization, in the way Joss had trekked through the jungle and had slept in a cave to rescue Jenny? The mere fact that Alexa could question it made her stomach feel sick after everything the Eves had been through. "A team?" she snapped back, "We weren't much of a fucking team when I said I didn't want anything to do with the boys and you didn't give a shit about that," it was bitter, it was immature but it was genuine. Joss had sincere reasons for her reaction to the boys though she hadn't dared share them with anybody but Shane. Even then, she hadn't meant to, it had just come out like a flood of emotion as soon as she'd opened the gate just a crack. Nobody else had asked. Nobody else had questioned why it was that she was so vehemently against the idea of joining forces. Erin hadn't either but that was different. They hadn't interrogated one another, they hadn't even spoken about how they felt in any great length but still, there remained a mutual sense of solidarity between them. Solidarity that had been absent when Lex accused Joss of being childish for not wanting to make nice with the boys. Izzy on the other hand, had offered a decent proposal, if indeed the boys were really gone and they weren't about to walk into a trap. If indeed, the boys had disappeared, maybe it would be good to touch base with the others, at least then they'd all be on the same page as one another. What if the boys hadn't disappeared? What if they were waiting for Erin and Joss to return to strip them of their inventory, to keep them from going back into the jungle or to send them back without any supplies of their own, like an exile of sorts. Joss didn't know which was worse. It was then that she looked to Erin, as she often did, for guidance.

Erin Erin felt that stomach ache get worse and worse. Each word, each admittance of a lie, each thing that sounded like a new lie. It was all horrifically overwhelming. She felt that tingle in the bridge of her nose, that one that suggested she was about to cry. And then the guilt tripping started. And it started with an admittance that Lex didn’t understand why Joss and Erin had felt they had to leave. Her brows furrowed and she looked down because she knew she wasn’t going to be able to keep the hurt and frustration from appearing on her features. Chest rising and falling again with a deep breath as she stared down Lex’s legs, trying to keep it together. We’re a team, right? We’re in this together? Do you not care? That’s when Erin couldn’t hold it in anymore. “ Do we not care? ” She repeated, slightly accusatory tone to her voice. But ever soft spoken, it gets lost in the overlap with Joss saying more closely to what Erin was thinking. It was unbelievable to her that they would come out here and accuse Erin and Joss of not caring, considering the circumstances that led them to making that decision. At least that led Erin to making that decision. Though the sensation in her nose hadn't dissipated, even progressing further to glassy eyes, she stayed and listened to what Izzy had to say to. She desperately wants to step away and just let out this cry she's holding in. But she listens. It's, again, a bit hurtful that it seems Izzy thinks they could just leave Lex injured and alone if they decided not to go back but she holds that in too. Her lips pressed together, it's not her or Joss' call to make on their own. They had to talk. And honestly, Erin just needed a second– just a moment where she didn't feel like she was going to be judged for existing. She looked to Joss, not surprised that their eyes met, " Can we talk for a second? " She asked her, already standing as she did. " We won't go far. " She said, looking back to Lex and Izzy from her full height.

Alexa All she could feel was more and more tears forming as she tried to hold it together. She may have chosen the wrong words, but she was tired of never asking the questions. She had no idea WHY Joss and Erin hated the boys so much. She was not once told that. She was always truthful, apart from rare few instances where she’d pass white lies just to soften the blow or help people out. She wanted to understand them so badly and all she was met with was feeling like a prick. For what? Wanting them back? “What do you mean I didn’t give a shit? You literally told me to my face, when…when I came to apologise when I explained my po-my point of view, you said you understood!” She snapped right back and she wiped the tears off her face. “And then you just left and you didn’t even say goodbye you didn’t even let us know…and you let Shane know. You let her know and that’s it…” she swallows a deep breath and her eyes are fixed on Joss, dead on and she knows she’s jealous and she knows she sounds it but she doesn’t have time to think before she speaks. “And how can you say we didn’t care about your opinion? We literally never told the guys where we were staying at all! We tried to vote and accommodate everyone and…we’re all just doing our best and we were doing it together and then…I’m fucking sorry, okay? I’m sorry that I don’t, I don’t fucking understand I…everyone seems to understand and I don’t, I just…I don’t know. Okay? I want you back, that’s all! I don’t understand why you left when…when we never told the guys where the camp is we never…we agreed…” She could feel the panic rise, she could feel the anger boil and then Erin jumped in as well and the frustration of being misunderstood made her not say anything at all. Instead, she looks over at Izzy. “It’s fine Iz, I’ll just hop back on one foot if we, if we head back now I can…we can get back in time.”

She didn’t even process yet the scars nor the fact that Izzy genuinely could not help her much at all. All she knew is that she did not want for Joss or Erin to help. She did not want to owe them a goddamn thing. “Just help me up and we can go…sorry we bothered you guys at all..”

Izzy earlier in the day, with her 'final girl stare,' izzy had reminded herself of her mother; now, terribly, it was lex's voice that held echoes of nora connelly, at least in izzy's mind. "stop it!" izzy exclaimed, ( harsh, too harsh ) jumping to her feet once more. ( up and down, back and forth, always so indecisive. ) maybe they were in survival mode. maybe everyone was doing their best. but that was no excuse for what they had done, what izzy had done. yes, they were supposed to be a team; and then, joss and erin ( along with some of the others ) had told them in no uncertain terms exactly what they were comfortable with, and what had the others done, izzy included? ignored them. how the fuck could they have done that? joss and erin were out here, and that was on them, because they didn't listen to them. she felt sick with guilt, a horrid despair tugging at her, but she couldn't let it swallow her whole. ( you can't change the past, her father had said, only the future. and her mother would sigh like it was an unwelcome reminder. ) she shouldn't have come. she should have let somebody else go, someone more capable, someone who was equipped for this sort of thing. she volunteered herself out of selfishness, add that to the list. ( nothing she could do about that now. one foot in front of the other. ) "you're gonna let them talk for five fucking minutes, 'cause we owe them at least that, and i wouldn't blame them if they never wanted to fucking see us again! and if they don't, and i have to get you back to camp myself, then i will figure it out, because we are not their problem, and they didn't ask for this!" she exclaimed, and yes, she was shaking, and yes, her lungs ached, and how could she even tell exactly who she was mad at, here? ( and if she had to go back to camp and explain how they had fucked up so badly that it was beyond saving, well, she would figure it out. 

Joss Joss scoffed at the argument, "Yeah, I said I understand your opinion- I didn't say I bloody liked it or that I agreed with it, I said I understood that you had it, it doesn't mean I felt any better about you calling me out in front of everyone like that," she insisted,  though she didn't want to argue the same point over and over again. She grunted with frustration at Lex's lamenting, "Yeah, obviously we left without saying goodbye- as if you all would have let us just say see ya later and fuck off if you knew we were going, we didn't have a choice. Nobody listened to us when we said we weren't going to be around the guys but suddenly everybody would listen if we said we were leaving? Yeah, nah, it shouldn't take that bloody much to have our opinions heard," she decided firmly, folding her arms across her chest, partially in a defensive manner, partially in a self-conscious one. When Izzy spoke, once again Joss felt her muscles loosen and her tight shoulders drop a little. At least somebody seemed to understand that they didn't just leave for the fun of it, that they had clearly seen the circumstances as uninhabitable and that leaving had been a last resort, not a first one. "Thank you," Joss said, a little more pointedly than she intended to. With that, she turned to Erin, tapping the other girl's hand gently and flicking her head in a direction away from the other two so that they could discuss their position without conflict.

Erin Erin was not a confrontational person, hence her eagerness to step aside and let all of this process before she said something she didn't mean. Or that she did mean but didn't want to say. She stood awkwardly as she watched Joss and Lex argue about their last words to one another, picking anxiously at a seam on her shirt. That stinging over the bridge of her nose only got worse as a feeling grew in her stomach and thoughts buzzed around her brain. Though Izzy raising her voice and cussing and caring so much was shocking to Erin, she was also grateful. She was truly holding onto her composure for dear life and she could feel it was about to slip. She needed a moment. Fuck, Izzy was right, she deserved a moment. Maybe she should have said thank you, like Joss did, but as she thought about opening her mouth to say something she realised she wouldn't be able to without cracking. Instead she hummed a small mmhmm from behind her pressed lips when Joss tapped her hand and nodded in a direction for them to walk, quickly turning to move that way alongside her. She tries to keep her walk calm, steady– despite how much she wanted to just run and hide again. Once there's a little distance between the groups she lets out a shaky breath. Feeling a tear or two finally fall from her eyes after holding them back for the better part of that conversation. If it could be called that. " Jesus Christ, huh, " She said with a humourless laugh, bundling long sleeve over her hand so she could wipe at her cheeks without completely aggravating the sunburn. She looked to Joss, wondering for the millionth time in the last ten minutes what she was thinking, but now she could finally ask. " Are you okay? "

Alexa She is utterly confused now. “Oh my God Joss how many times will I have to apologise for that? So when I came to you for snapping at you, when we had that conversation and y-you said you loved me a-and forgive me you just what? Lied? Wanted to get rid of me? I thought…fuck!” thought we were friends, she thought. But she didn’t say it, not when every word was being twisted against her and in spite of literally running into the jungle for them like a lunatic, she was the one who seemed not to understand or care. And Izzys words, God, what the actual fuck was happening? “I’m sorry but no. No! I’m not…I’m not fucking having that. We didn’t hear them out? We didn’t…we didn’t hear you out? Fucking really? So we didn’t have a vote that you just got outnumbered on, yeah? Well guess fucking what, we did. We did consider you. We literally agreed not to bring boys to camp to accommodate YOU. We agreed to a…and I’m sorry that’s how voting works some-sometimes and everyone can’t…get exactly what they want but, fuck, you’re gonna run off from us? Cr-create t-this bullshit narrative, that we didn’t hear you out? No. Am I fucking missing something? Iz?” She looks over at Izzy again, she was still hurt but the sheer lack of support but she needed something. Anything. Except she didn’t. She turns away and grabs onto the tree and pulls herself up. Pain rushed through her but it was the least painful thing right now. “Fuck this. I can see why Shane didn’t want to fucking come get you herself…” she felt sick to her stomach, sick and angry and like she was out of the loop about everything. And she didn’t need them, she didn’t need any of them. “I’m going. Come, don’t come, I don’t fucking give a shit.” And she hops to the next tree.

Izzy jesus christ. izzy wasn't the right person for the job? lex wasn't the right person for the job. did she hit her head on the way down, or something? hadn't she been at least remotely sensible and capable of empathy this morning, before they'd run into the others? and then she's up, jesus christ, jesus christ! "are you out of your goddamn mind?" izzy exclaims, before she can stop herself. without even thinking about it, she rushed to lex, hands on her shoulders, holding her against the tree, keeping her in place. it was gentle, and it was firm, and izzy was taller than lex by at least a couple of inches. "i honestly have no idea what the hell you think you're doing, so let me tell you what i know you're gonna do. you're gonna sit down, and chill out, and not put weight on your broken foot. i mean, honestly, lex, what do you think is gonna happen? 'cause you're gonna get maybe six feet like that, then fall, and the bone's gonna pop out of your skin, and then you really will lose a foot or something! and boy, will you have showed us! no! you're not doing that to yourself, and not putting that guilt on us, and i'm not letting you kill yourself out here!" izzy had done enough wrong, and she had to make it right, starting with this, with lex.

one foot in front of the other. one thing at a time. chest heaving, she continues, a little softer now, just a little softer. "and as for them? yes, lex. we took a vote. that's the thing. we never should have taken a vote, not if it was a matter of safety, not if the vote turning up yes made them feel obviously so fucking scared that they left! we fucked up, we didn't listen to them, and they're the ones that are out here, with the wild animals, like an exile or something! that's on us! it doesn't matter if we heard them out or not when we disregarded it after the fact. they're part of our team, and we valued people we didn't even know over them feeling safe. that's on us!" she repeated, chest heaving, near tears.

Alexa She listens to Izzy, she’s making sense to begin with. And with Joss and Erin out of the way, she feels slightly more relaxed. Enough to stop, sit down and smile gently. “You’re hot when you’re mad you know that?” Besides the point though, entirely besides the point. She shakes her head then and reaches for Izzys hand and pulls her down. “I’m…sit with me?” She can tell the others breath is getting faster and she realises she too was being way more agitated than she should have been. So she just sits there a minute and looks over at Joss and Erin not far away and rubs her face before speaking, her voice calm, almost a whisper. “Izzy, the only thing a group can do when reaching a disagreement is take a vote. Voting means everyone gets heard. We didn’t do anything rash or irrational or outright cruel just to spite them and I feel…I feel cruel right now for defending literally all the rest of our girls, many of which also didn’t like the boys or want much to do with them. And what about me then? Should I run off too? Because I said I wanted to let boys know where we were. So did Claire. I did not mind at all. And nobody cared that I wanted to trust them and let them in. And I agreed to go with the vote anyway, regardless of what I really wanted, because I may not dislike the boys but I respect you guys and the decision we reached as a collective.” She digs wrapping her hair up and looking over her ankle. It wasn’t broken, probably just a bad sprain she could still move it.  “And clearly, it wasn’t obvious to us that they were so mortified of them because if it were as obvious as you make it seem right now, we would have tried to reassure them more. We’re a pretty big group, it’s not…it’s not fair to blame literally all of us…it’s not fair. And I’m sorry I yelled and stuff but, I don’t know…I just don’t understand how being out here with these wild animals is safer than being with us, on a beach boys know as much about as they do their current location. Anyway..”

Izzy her mouth opens in a surprised o, and then she giggles outright, trying to help lower lex to the ground and sitting beside her, feeling suddenly very tired. she listens to lex, nodding, biting at her lip. "i know it wasn't to be cruel. i know that. i voted for the same thing as you, you know? but... look, i don't know why they're so freaked out by them, but clearly they are. and if they are, i mean, i care more about them feeling safe then about talking to the boys. not that it matters, not with the boys gone anyways. we're choosing them now, but we should have chosen them earlier," she explains, hugging her knees to her chest. a frown marred her features as lex continued. "but... i don't think they did this because they didn't get their way. i mean, you don't do something like this because you lost a vote, lex. not something like this. i think... i think they were scared. if you and clarke actually went off into the woods, i would haul you back in a heartbeat," she said, laughing weakly. "i missed... a lot of the vote," izzy admitted, "but tensions were high, and everyone voting no seemed a little paranoid, right? but if we didn't know then, we know now how freaked out they are. but we can't go back and reassure them more, and we don't need to, 'cause the boys are gone. and it's not safer out here, but they think it is, for whatever reason. but it's up to us to make them feel safe now, because that's all we can do, and the way to do that... probably isn't any of what we've been doing so far." at least that was fair. "and there's no way in hell i'm going back to camp to face shane without them," she joked. "her and joss both scare the shit out of me. if we can't get them to come back, i'm moving to the woods. so how about we just chill out, and you stop trying to go for a one-legged hike, and let's wait for them to get back, okay?" she said, voice gentle again, leaning back against the tree, head to the sky.

Alexa Izzy was right, and finally she could see the point. She did not agree with all of it, but she was in pain and she was tired and she did genuinely want the girls back. So what if she didn’t understand? So what if she wanted to? It didn’t matter. Suddenly, all that mattered once again was getting them back home. Her eyes are back on Iz and she’ll squeeze her hand just a little tighter as she offers a smile. As nice of a smile as she can considering. “Okay. You’re right…you’re right. I’m sorry.” She then looks down at her boobs and her nose wrinkles and she laughs. “Nice fit by the way…” — “If I could predict bossy Iz I’d have fucked ip my ankle sooner.” She touches it gently. “It’s not broken by the way, I don’t think, still hurts like a bitch though…” Joss Joss was practically fuming when Lex questioned her integrity, when she suggested that even for a second Joss had done anything just to get rid of the other girl. Maybe Lucy Fraser would have done that but Joss would never. She had been truthful with Lex about the things that had mattered but that didn't mean she agreed with the other girl or comfortable with the other girl's way of handling things. Especially not now. "Yeah, I stuck my bloody hand up- that's not hearing somebody out, you shut me down as soon as I tried to say anything about it and yeah, you apologised, I accept that, I appreciate it but it doesn't change anything, I still got shut down, I don't feel considered at all," she insisted. Maybe if she had actually been considered, Shane would have had a better argument for convincing her to stay. Instead Shane had understood her reasoning and had hugged her goodbye. At least that was what Joss had thought, until Alex continued. Like a knife in the gut. That was what it felt like, the moment Lex had mentioned Shane. She didn't want to come? That was it? Had the whole thing about her hip been an effort to soften the blow? To avoid hurting Joss' feelings? She backed down now, feeling a little pathetic, embarrassed even. It had taken two days for Shane to get over Joss, to discard her. Sure, it was longer than it had taken Joss' friends at home to leave her behind but it didn't hurt any less.

Erin When Erin asked Joss if she was okay, she tightened her arms folded across her chest and shook her head, "No," she said plainly because it was true. She wasn't okay. She was hurt. She was stressed. She felt guilty and embarrassed and angry and sad and misunderstood and she was sure there were more feelings swirling around in the pit of her stomach but they were all moving too fast.  She rubbed the other girl's side affectionately, catching her glassy eyes for the first time, "Are you okay?" she asked, knowing the answer already. It was an obvious answer, but at least it was honest. It was a tiny thing but it did feel oddly stabilising after the chaotic back and forth of the last few minutes. Just a plain, honest no. Even if it was horrible. Another stabilising thing was Joss' hand coming to her side, the comfort that came with it. She reached for it, fingertips touching Joss' hand lightly in a silent show of appreciation. Her natural instinct would be to lie, not wanting to add to the stress by admitting the severity of her feelings, but she found herself shaking her head instead. She couldn't say it, but she couldn't lie either. Her arms held close to her own body, a protective sort of manner– not that it would actually be able to protect her. After another second to push that cry back down she breathed deeply before speaking. " I just– " She hadn't even figured out what she wanted to say, so concerned with not breaking. " I don't understand why they're here– Like, I do. " Because they wanted Joss back. " But, like, why– like what was the point in saying any of that? " She fumbled through her words, not able to express clearly that she did understand the point was for them to go back, they had made that clear, but their muddled approach had done nothing but hurt Erin's feelings and make her feel more strongly about the reasons she begged Joss to let her tag along in the first place.

Joss Joss stole a tiny glance back in the direction of Izzy and Lex, as if one more quick look at them would provide her with the answer she was so eager to provide Erin with but nothing came to her. She shook her head to say as much, "I don't know," she confessed, "The boys can't be gone- that's fact," as far as she was concerned it was, anyway, "So what? They're hiding? They've decided to ditch us before we decided to ditch them? I don't know," she felt like she could say she didn't know one hundred or so more times and it still wouldn't adequately reflect just how clueless she felt. "So maybe they said that to convince us to come back- or you to come back anyway," since Shane apparently didn't give a shit either way, "Lex said Jude hit her head- so if that's not bullshit as well, maybe they need you for first aid," she suggested, though Izzy seemed to have a pretty good handle on Lex's ankle, so she didn't know what else Erin could do for Jude that was so unique and necessary. "I don't know," she said once more for good measure because nothing, in her mind, seemed to add up. Maybe that was because Izzy and Lex seemed to be on two completely different pages or maybe it was because the idea of the boys disappearing into thin air was so bloody ridiculous that everything else the girls said had been tainted by it.

Erin When Joss looked back the way they had just walked, Erin did too. Just like she had a million times since Joss approached her on that day they met the other group. Looking back to her after a moment as she started to speak. She agreed, the boys couldn't be gone. She'd tried to question them further on that, to elaborate more but the response they got was other people know more. Which begged Erin to ask, then why aren't they here? At the least, why didn't they explain it better to Izzy and Lex? But she let Joss continue, air out all her thoughts before Erin would chime with her own.

And then the time came and she didn't know what to say. Not really. There was a lot to cover. " Me neither. " She started with. She swallowed a lump in her throat, trying to decide what was worth saying, and what was helpful and what wouldn't be. " Like, they have to be somewhere. Izzy said it was like they were never here but they were. We all saw them, " She was sure if she looked hard enough at her shirt she would still be able to see the faint stains of blood she hadn't been able to get out from Callum. " But if they're missing, I mean, that's different. But how do we know if that's even true– and why say they're gone, like, " She thought aloud, expressing her frustration at the inability to know what was true and what wasn't with an extending of her hand in front of her before it returned to her chest. The next thing on her mind was that Joss thought they weren't here for her, when it felt cruelly obvious to Erin that they were only here for her. Erin was just collateral. But that wasn't helpful so she didn't say it. So next, Jude. And the possibility of her having a head injury. " And Jude, I mean, yeah, if it's not bullshit, " The implication being that Erin believed it was, " I don't know what they expect me to be able to do. Like, of course, I'll help if it's true and if I can– but I know just as much as Izzy and she's here. Not with Jude. " She pointed out. And even if it was true, that was a lot of fucking pressure to put on her. She was a lifeguard that went camping a lot with her family– not a neurosurgeon.

But what were they going to do about any of it, that was the question. Erin certainly didn't feel welcomed back when this was the reception of anyone seeing them for the last two days. She felt completely uneasy. Like it was a trap. " It feels, to me, " she pressed her hand to her chest more pointedly, making it clear this was only her opinion and how she felt, not any sort of fact. " Like they're both just saying whatever they think they need to to get us back. " She admitted. It didn't bring her any joy to say it but she had to be honest. It didn't feel real, or genuine. Even Izzy snapping at Lex, looking back on it could have just been because she realised Lex's tactic wasn't working.

Joss Joss wasn't particularly comfortable saying it but she had to agree with Erin, it did seem that way. It seemed  as if Lex and Izzy had contrasting ideas about what it was that would win Joss and Erin over but hadn't discussed their tactics before approaching them. As a result, they had contradicted each other and confused the hell out of Joss and Erin instead of convincing them of anything, "Yeah," she agreed, though the Shane comment had been anything but what Joss had wanted to hear. She was too embarrassed to repeat it however, foolishly hoping that somehow Erin had managed to avoid hearing exactly how much Joss' supposed pal didn't give a shit about whether she returned or not and had decided she didn't want anything to do with it. "I feel bad for Izzo dragging Lex back to camp on her own but I'm not that keen to go back," she paused for a moment, "Especially not now," she added with a scoff. As if the idea of the boys wasn't enough of a deterrent, now that Lex had popped off at them and Joss had discovered the Shane was indifferent toward her at the very least, the very last thing she wanted to do was head back to camp to face the other Eves.

Erin " Me neither, " Erin agreed, but she also didn't think she could let them try to go back on their own. The guilt would eat her alive, even if they made it back completely safe. And, she didn't love the idea of just continuing to roam around with the idea that the Eves had lost the Adams. She may not believe it in this moment, but it would likely be much more compelling and definitely more terrifying once the sun went down. " We could help them most of the way? Leave once they're close enough to make it back on their own? " She suggested, looking back to Joss for her thoughts. It wasn't ideal because Erin didn't really have a desire to talk to them, or anyone besides Joss, after hearing what they said. And she had to assume Joss felt the same. But what other option did they have? Let Izzy have another asthma attack trying to get Lex back to camp?

Joss Joss considered Erin’s proposal in silence for a moment or two, taking a deep breath in before she adjusted her posture. “Okay, yeah,” she nodded her head in agreement though her voice was feeble, unconvincing until she spoke again “Yeah, okay, let’s do that,” she repeated, having mulled it over for a moment or two longer.  “We help them get back to a safe spot, then we go the other way, or maybe loop around so they just think we went the other way,” she suggested, lowering her voice as much as she could without seeming especially suspicious.

Erin She nodded her head in agreement as Joss built on her idea, feeling far better with the knowledge that the two were still on the same page. That if they had no one else that understood them, they had each other. " I like that, that's smart, " She said, matching Joss' low voice. Though, now they'd come to that, Erin realised it was probably time for them to return to Lex and Izzy. But she had more to say. Less about their plan and more about how they had both admitted they weren't okay before trying to formulate one. She reached for her arm, meeting her eyes as she said, " Hey, you know it's all crap, right? What Lex was saying, " Her voice was still low, just in case, but genuine. There was a lot more too it, many more things she would say later, but for now she'd keep it simple. " Hurtful crap, but still crap. " 

Joss It wasn't all that often that Joss was admired for saying or doing something 'smart' but on this rare occasion, Erin had said it so easily that it made Joss feel as if it was true. She smiled delicately at the thought, still perturbed by the circumstances enough to taint her expression. "Oh yeah, yeah, nah, nah, I know," Joss assured Erin in just about the most unconvincing manner she possibly could have produced. It was moments like this that demonstrated precisely why Joss had been unofficially restricted from enrolling in year 12 drama for the sake of graduating with a VCE that year. She pressed her lips together, wanting to steer the conversation away from the hurtful things Lex had said, "So, that's our plan then," she stated definitively before a lack of confidence wavered her resolve, "That's our plan, right? We go as far as we can, we turn back- are we going to tell them?"

Erin Her lips pressed together again as Joss tried to assure her she knew what Erin said was true. She wasn't convinced, but she didn't want to push it. Instead just rubbing Joss' arm for a small second before letting go. She didn't really want to think to hard about the hurtful things that Lex had said, and they hadn't even been said directly to her. She nodded, " Yeah– yes, that's our plan.  " She confirmed, keeping her voice steady and confident. However she hadn't really considered whether or not they should tell Izzy and Lex. She didn't feel as though she owed either of them any sort of honesty but also, why stoop to the same level? " I think we should tell them. " She said, purposely using the phrasing I think at the beginning of her statement. She would roll over like a puppy if Joss had a differing opinion. " Izzy, at least, might be understanding– and either way, I'd rather tell them now than have them think we're going back the whole way and probably have another fight about it then. Right? What do you think? " 

Joss Joss nodded her head in agreement. It wasn't that she had come to the conclusion or was even particularly enthused about letting Lex and Izzy know what decision they had made, it was just that she trusted Erin to know what the right thing to do might be and either way, she was happy not to make the final decision herself. "Yep," she finally spoke, having little else to say for herself and certainly nothing profound to add to the discussion. 'Maybe just Izzy," she concurred,  "If we have any way of getting around Lex, that is," she twisted her mouth slightly, considering the likelihood of them getting something past their injured friend when she was probably on high alert after their arguments that afternoon. Erin There was a lot Erin could say, truly a lot. But she kept her thoughts to herself for now. Erin and Joss hadn't stepped aside to gossip. " Anything she says, it's just water off a duck's back, " She said with a small flourish of her hand, pulling a small smile on her features. It was a silly little saying, and that was part of the reason she said it. She wanted Joss to feel better, she wanted to see her smile– even if just for a moment. " It's nothing. We got this. " She assured confidently, all of what she was saying also to assure herself. She would try to not let anything hurtful get under her skin and upset her. She would try to have an unwavering resolve. She would try to be mature enough to see this through. As the two walked back, Erin noticed Lex and Izzy had moved slightly. Having to adjust her path from the one they'd taken for their moment aside. She wondered why. And bitterly she wondered why she was about to offer her help when it appeared they could move just fine on their own. " So, " She started once close enough, she didn't want to be the one to tell them but more than that she didn't want to make Joss do it either. " We'll help you back, but we're not going back. We'll get you close enough that you can make it on your own, but that's it. " She said, trying to convey with her tone that it wasn't up for discussion. However, knowing full well she wasn't very good at having that quality to her voice she continued quickly, her hope to move on before either of them could criticise the decision. " Is that wrap secure enough for her to move? " She asked Izzy, looking to her as she referenced the her shirt wrapped around Lex's leg.

Alexa By the time two had returned her brain was back on track at what she was supposed to be doing. And that was bringing them back. She didn’t want to argue, and if she’d known how to keep quiet and if she hadn’t hurt her leg so bad, she would probably have went about it better. And sure the other girls wanted them back too but she and Izzy were the ones actually here and as much as it hurt her that alone was not enough, that it had to be Shane or whoever else they liked better, she put her feelings aside. Because something had to give for this madness to just end. “Joss?” She called out her name and it sounded weird on her lips. She knew the other must have hated her. She always had that feeling. Hell, since day one all anyone’s done is reminded her that she looked or talked or walked like their bully or just an entitled cunt. And she was fine with that. She could live with that. What she couldn’t live with was letting the girls die in the woods because she felt hurt they would leave them in the first place. “I’m sorry I didn’t…mean what I said. I’m just, I’m confused and in pain and…well I guess I’m also a bit jealous that you like Shane more than me and that…you didn’t actually forgive me and…I don’t know, I care for you. I wouldn’t be here if I weren’t, I wouldn’t have packed up my bags the second I found out you two were gone, if I didn’t genuinely truly from the bottom of my heart want you back. And I know, I know I don’t have the right words all the time but…fuck, I’m sorry, okay?” She knew she shouldn’t have thrown Shane under the bus as a dig but she didn’t lie, as far as Lex was conserved, she didn’t want to come.

“And Shane wanted to come, I just…I begged her to let me go instead and look after Jude and the camp.” A lie Izzy wouldn’t know was a lie. The kind she had to resort to now. “But it was her idea to go in the first place. She said that and look, look she even gave us a map a-and thought about where we might find you and….she’s gonna be so fucking mad if we don’t get you back.”

She now looks at Erin. “I know we’re not closest friends. You and me. I also know you are one of the most genuine and generous people on this island. And smart and resourceful….you saved our asses more then once and I, well fuck maybe I want to return the favour. Because as safe as this may feel, just the two of you far away, it IS still dangerous. And now with these guys gone, it’s like…where the fuck did they go? What if they find us or you or…I don’t know what to think about it all I’m scared too. I’m…scared all the time. Of everything. So please just…come back? I’m sorry, for everything I promise if you come back i won’t even…I won’t talk to either of you ever if that’s what you want. I mean it I will stay out your way. But don’t let me being shit with words and stupid and judgmental stop you from doing what is best for you. I understand if you wanna drop us off and go, you have every right to but…at least until we figure out that it’s safe out here maybe just…come back, just for a while?”

Erin Shane wanted Joss back, and that was why they were here. Erin already knew that but to have it laid out for her in the way that Lex did with her attempted apology to Joss and well … Erin figured it was supposed to be an apology to her too, but it hurt. She thought herself pathetic and childish for it but it still hurt. Part of her wanted to just skate past it, say anyway and just keep moving because their decision was not up for discussion. But, Lex said she didn’t understand, so she thought it was only fair to try and give her a chance to. She took a small breath to try and gain her confidence, she was not a confrontational person, or even disagreeable most of the time and she hated having to be. “ Respectfully, Lex, you don’t know what’s best for us. ” Her voice was calm but genuine. She was expressing how she felt and setting boundaries, something her mother always said she had to be better at. “ You say you understand our decision and that you respect our right to make it, but you don’t. And that’s fine, ” Was it though? Too late, the people pleaser had jumped out and she’d said it anyway. “ Because it’s not up for debate. It’s our decision. That’s all we need you to understand and respect. ” If she wasn't so emotionally worn out she might have been a little impressed with her ability to say all that without speeding up or getting caught up in her own words and hurt. With a breath of pause to let all that sink in and nod that Lex's leg was secure from Izzy, that meant they were ready to go. " Okay, let's get you up now then? " She said, moving to Lex's side so she could help her up, looking to Izzy to see if she was ready on the other side. " On three? "

Izzy izzy nodded and tried to bite back the frown that threatened to weigh down her features. you did not have to be a genius to understand that all of this had far more to do with feelings and fight or flight than it did what was best for anyone, because there was nothing safe about being off in the woods alone - that had been well established time and time again. but what was izzy going to do? if joss and erin didn't want to come back, it was not up to izzy to try and change their mind, or tell them what do to. ( not that knowing that would make izzy feel any less culpable if something happened to them out here. it was her fault that they left, and her fault that they didn't feel safe enough to come back, and they were at an impasse. ) she was so tired. ( and if she was tired, how much more tired must joss and erin be? lex? )  slowly, she pushed herself up to a standing position, eyes flitting between erin and lex for a minute. she was unable to verbalize how grateful she was that they'd agreed to help her and lex, even after everything, so, in leu of allowing herself to get choked up, she simply managed, "okay. thank you. i'm ready," she agreed, and gently moved to help lift lex. "does this feel okay?" she asked lex, trying to hold up her weight as best as she could. "i think camp is that way," she said, motioning in the vague direction from which they'd came. please let the pig be gone, she prayed silently. Joss If Alexa had taken some time, some real time to actually consider the way she had approached Joss or the Things that she had said to her then maybe Joss would have been able to see the sincerity in the other girl's apology. Coming so, so soon after the event, however, when Joss herself had barely been able to catch her breath after it, it just felt like a last ditch attempt to salvage things between them that lacked any real heart. Instead of voicing any of that however, Joss simply nodded her head, deciding to focus on the task of getting Lex back to camp safely, without further injury. "Let's just go," she insisted, not wanting to continue the conversation nor wanting to hear Erin and Lex get into a heated discussion over who knew what was best for whom. In fact, if all four of them travelled back to camp in silence for however long it took them to get there, that would be just fine with Joss.                                          -------------------- TIME SKIP --------------------

Izzy as they approached camp, the sense of dread izzy had been carrying with her only grew heavier, until finally, she could nearly see the beach through the trees, and she could see the smoke from the fire rising into the sky. she was not exactly sure how close joss and erin were willing to get, but she figured that this must be pushing it, so she abruptly halted, taking a deep breath and ignoring the dull pain in her kidneyless side, and the slight anxious shake to her hands. "i - i think we can take it from here," she said, wishing she sounded a little less like she was on the verge of a freakout. she bit her bottom lip, glancing away for a beat and then looking to erin and jocelyn again. "thank you so much, really. for helping us. is there - are you, like, running low on anything? supplies, i mean, like, do you need anything? we can, like... i could bring it to you now, or someone could leave stuff for you at the waterfall, if you need it. even if you don't wanna come back to camp, like... it's still your stuff, too, so if you want - " she rambled on nervously, before cutting herself off with a nervous little sigh. "do you need anything?" she repeated, head ducking towards her chest as she looked at them with watchful eyes.

Alexa By the time Izzy had calculated it was close enough to stop. She was exhausted and  her leg was pulsating all over and she felt like passing out. Sweat was dripping from her forehead down her face and her neck and she felt disgusting in every sense of the word. She couldn’t bring herself to look at any of them so she smiled instead at Izzys words. “Y-yeah, we can drop off t-the blanket too it must get really cold out there.” It was best she could think of without saying much. “Thanks guys. Real sorry about be-before. Stay safe…” she hops few steps ahead on her own and can almost smell the beach from that point. She hops on further, leaving Izzy alone with the girls for a moment.

[somedew-fictions]

Jas has a dialogue where she says Marnie won't let her out after six... What if one day she slipped out without Marnie noticing and Shane came home from work to a missing Jas and panicked Marnie?

“Marnie! I’m back from work,” Shane yells as he swings open the house’s front door, his jacket already halfway off. “Anyone stop by toda-” Shane stops mid-sentence as he turns to see Marnie rushing from the kitchen towards him, her braid undone and her eyes wide with panic. 

“Marnie-” Shane tugs his jacket back on fully, closing the door behind him. “What’s wrong?” concern trickles into his voice, seeing Marnie’s bottom lip trembling.

“It’s Jas!” she croaks, shaking her head side to side wildly, as if she can’t believe the words she is about to say. “She isn’t in her room or anywhere on the ranch. She is completely missing, Shane!”

“Did Penny drop her off from school this evening?” Shane frowns, taking Marnie’s trembling hands into his. Marnie nods quickly, taking a deep breath. “Okay, don’t worry,” Shane assures her, giving her hands a squeeze. “You stay here in case she comes home. I’ll go look for her. This is Pelican Town; she is safe, okay?”

Shane gives Marnie a comforting smile before heading into the kitchen for a flashlight, leaving the house quickly. He doesn’t really know where to start looking for Jas, but he has an idea about where to start. His heart is already slamming against his chest as he forces himself to put on a sense of calmness outward. His therapist has been a lot of help teaching him tactics to control his emotions, his mind cluttered as he focuses on his breathing as he pulls out his phone from his pocket.

Shane calls Sam as he begins jogging around the wooded area around the ranch, flashing his flashlight around as he looks for Jas.

“Hey bud,” Shane greets after Sam picks up the phone. “Yeah- I know I never call. Quick question; is Jas over at your house?” Shane walks past the lake by the ranch. “Oh? Vincent isn’t home either? I’m searching the area by the ranch right now, I’ll call you if I see him. Can you look around town?” Shane sees the wizard tower in the distance and continues to look between the trees. “Alright, cool. Thanks Sam.”

Shane’s hand is trembling as he hangs up and puts his phone back into his jacket’s pocket. He knew he shouldn’t have taken the evening shift at Joja today; he should have been at home with Jas when she got off from school so none of this would have happened.

He can only imagine what is running through Jas’s head right now to make her run off. She has always been a sweet kid; never one to cause trouble. Was she finally fed up with him never being around? Did something happen he didn’t know about?

Shane has scavenged most of the area around the ranch, even crossing the lakes with the rickety old boards set as bridges as he searches when he gets a call. The call is from Harvey this time, and Shane quickly answers.

“Hey, I’m kind of busy right now…” Shane starts but Harvey cuts him off quickly. “They are at the playground? I’m on my way there now.” Shane shifts his walking direction, heading back towards the ranch and town. “Tell Sam to leave them there, they are safe,” Shane tells Harvey. “Thanks for calling. Have a nice night.”

By the time Shane gets back to town, he catches Sam walking back to his house with Vincent right beside him. Vincent’s head is hanging low with shame, knowing his parents are going to kill him as soon as he walks through the door. Sam pats his brother’s back reassuringly, throwing Shane a soft smile as they catch one another’s gaze before Sam takes Vincent inside their home.

Shane lets out a long sigh and walks up to the playground a little bit faster, assuming Jas is waiting for him, all alone. As he walks up the steps he catches sight of her sitting on one of the swings, her head crestfallen. 

Shane approaches carefully. “Hey kid,” he greets, stopping about two feet infront of her, crouching down to her level. “It’s late, you know.”

He can barely see the features of Jas’s face, the light from town illuminating her face in the slightest way possible. He hears her sniffle, watching her hand raise to her face as she wipes her cheeks. 

“Marnie is worried sick,” Shane continues. “Nobody is mad, I promise.”

“Vincent’s parents are really mad…” Jas whispers, keeping her head down. 

“I’m not Vincent’s parents, now am I?” Shane smiles faintly. He lifts his chin and looks around the area. “It’s pretty scary out here, isn’t it?” he asks. “You are pretty brave for coming out here at a time like this.”

Jas is heard letting out a soft giggle. “Am I?” She lifts her chin up, looking at her godfather as he turns his gaze back to her. He nods in confirmation.

“Come here, Jas,” Shane opens his arms up for her, watching the little girl shift in the swing uncertainty before jumping to her feet and rushing into his embrace. He wraps his arms around her and picks her up as he stands, a smile on his face as she tangles her arms around his neck.

“Is Marnie going to yell at me?” Jas asks in a small voice, whispering in Shane’s ear as he begins to carry her back home.

“No. But you are going to be lectured,” Shane chuckles.

“That’s worse,” Jas whines, burying her face in his neck.

“I know,” Shane admits. “And you are going to be given a few more chores around the ranch as punishment. Tomorrow at breakfast we will also be talking about why you ran off…”

Jas whines again and Shane smiles, rubbing her back comfortingly. “It’s going to be okay.”

“I know,” Jas whispers with a sniffle. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Shane promises her, his voice surprisingly calm. He sets a peck on the side of her face, feeling her cheek tug as she smiles into his neck. “Don’t worry, I got you,” he whispers.

[livcosmos]

AGAIN BUT BETTER booktalk

THIS WAS SOOOOOOO AMAZING!!!!!!!! This book was all I ever wanted/needed and more I love it with all my hearth and it is by far my favourite book! If you haven’t read it yet plese do!!!

First of all I want to say that I am incredebly proud of Christine, I have been watching her videos for years and I watched her write this book in her writing videos and reading it now I feel like a proud mum! I expected it to be good but I never imagined that it would be THAT GOOD, I want to thank her for giving me this story, it means so much to me and I am more than thankfull.

I wanted to read this book the second it came out but I couldn’t because I had so much to do for school at that time and than other thins came around I wanted to read it when I was completly realxed, when I could enjoy to the fullest. And now I know that I didn’t got to read it than becau I was meant to read it NOW. Back when it was released, I hadn’t been to Rome and Paris yet and now that I have I related even more to the book because I also viseted all the places they went to. I think the universe just wanted me to read it now because now I needed it the most. I think that was a smooth introducton, I am now going more into deatal because there is so so much I want to say, I took so many notes while reading because I didn’t wanted to forget anything. I wasn’t sure and I still am if I realy want to post this because this book means so much to me and I don’t want to ruin anything by laying all my thoughts into a text but I just watched the q & a she posted about the book and I mean she would never read this but say she would somehow I want her to know that she has done so much for me with this book!

So lets start from the beginning... I related so much with Shane trough the entire book, it was like reading my own thoughts, I have never ever related to a character more than her. She said this I would say and did things I would do not to start with her thoughts I don’t now it sounds silly but as Christine said in the q & a video I felt like I was the character in the book and it was both scary and nice, well more nice than scary because I could watch Shane grow and come out of her comfort zone and do all this thins showing me that it is possible and it makes me want to do thins too. It was just ahhhhh so so good and sooo beautiful!!! Words and in genral this text don’t do justice to what I feel and what I felt about this story. 

Especially in the beginning when Shane started doing those little thins like asking that stranger to take a picture, I was so proud of her for having the courage to do it because I often don’t and I was so proud of her every time she did those little things not to mention the big ones like finally talking to Pilot about her feelings.

There were so many paralles to my own life in this book that yet again made me think even more that this book is for me and not only the fact that I related so much to Shane and the Rome and Paris things it was just everything! 

One of the things I loved most about it were all the refrences about books, music, movies, Tv shows, youtube... all the references, they made me so happy, everytime I understood a refrence I was totaly freaking out with excitement! Especially the one with her Professor’s name, Blackstairs like I died it was the best thing!

And the jokes god the jokes I was laughing out loud so many times! I can’t say it often enough, it was just perfect everything I wanted in one book!

Obviosly I loved that most of the book took place in London cause I love London and it is a place very close to my heart but the traveling they did, GOD I looooovvvveeeee traveling so much and when they were just like spontanusly deciding to go somewhere it made me not only happy but I want that too I want to just say that I want to go to that or that place and just do it! And the photos they took and the fun they had like I was genunly crying seeing them having so much fun, there is such a beautiful exciting and lovely experence to go travel with your friends and take fotos and have fun! Those times are the ones I love looking back at. When I think about the happyest moments in my life I imediatly think about the times I was traveling, disovering a new citiy taking fotos and evrything.... SOOOO GOOOOODD 

I loved Babe and I loved that they were such good friends and I loved that she was so passionat about Disney and that her dream job was to work at Disney World like how often do you see that!!! That is so incredebly cool!

In generall I really loved the whole group and how they spend time together! Shawednsday was the best thing! And I got so sad thowords the end of their semester when they didn’t had that much time to spend together where they kind of drifted away, the saddest part was when she sepend the spring brake alone that was hearthbreaking ( I am so glad she got the chance to do everything again and make it right)!  Ah and I loved how Atticus and Sahra started reading the books Shane recomended that was so sweet! I would have loved tho to see a little more of Atticus and Sahra, Atticus seamed such an interesting character and I loved how he was the who tried to help Shane after what happened with her parents.

Pilot, lets talk about Pilot, the minute we met him I got all giddy, I like him, I love his name and I love that he writes music! I enjoyed his conversations with Shane so much, their deep talks and I loved him in Paris take two so so much and at the very end in Edinburgh like that was the sweetest thing ever but I have to say tho he was so frustrating sometimes! Like jkfgfkjhgkh it was sooo clear that he had fealings for Shane and I understand that it was complicated with Amy and I get that sometimes you don’t realy now what you want but bjhdsbchsd and than when the time travel happend I understood that he didn’t know what to do and that he wanted to go back and that all was scary but it was so frustrating!!! The way he acted and how he freakt out like plese Pilot you have got a second chance here to make things right plese take it is so special plese don’t ruin it! I was more than happy when he finally understood that. I was so happy for them but I must say while in Paris take two I was a little suspicios I knew something had to go wrong and when the thing with Amy came out I was soooooo disapointed in him I was so mad at him! But he managed to get me because let’s be honest here I couldn’t be mad at him and he is so cute and he did all those cute things! I loved how he treied to help her when they where having dinner with Shanes parents I wanted to hug him so bad for that!

Speaking of Amy I do feel sorry for her but I don’t know she should have let Pilot go when he asked her to before he went to London. And she had no right to read Shane’s notebook but again it is undersandeble that she did and I was mad. For a second tho when I read that scene, before Shane released that she was reading her notenook I was like awww Amy is a reader too she likes reading, well that thought flew away quiclly... 

Ok lets come to the red haied woman, I don’t want to say that I knew that something was up with her but when she apeared at the Starbucks I just knew that she would do something I want to quoute myself here, I took this note when I got to that scene: “ SCREEEEEMMMMMIIIINNNNNG the red haired women has done something! Fairy??? Wizard? Witch??? Holy crap!” I also just want to point out that I somehow imagined her looking like Cassandra Clare I don’t know why but to me this woman was Cassie!

The time travel thing was soooo amazing and so beautifuly done I have never expected it happen but I am soooo gald it did. I loved that caffe, I imagined it looking so cool! And I love time travel, like one of the books that made me a reader was about time travel and having it in this book made it even better than it already was! I loved how she did it with the elevator and everything I got so excited when all of that happend because when I got to the part when she was interviewing for the residency I was so sad and I stared crying because I was like well this is real life you don’t get the things you want and you don’t get to be who you want to be thats the reality and I got so mad because I realised that people, including me are so dump sometimes not taking chances and say and do the things they want!!! I was so sad that she lost those years living with regrets but than the time travel happend and she got a second chance and I couldn’t have been more happy!!!! 

I loved how confident she got after the time travel, how she did everything different, that she decidet to talk to Babe about Pilot that she didn’t let herself give up un her dream about writing because of her parents and that she did such a good job at the internship I was soooo proud of her and I still am. I got scred when Pilot first wanted to go back and than when she wanted it too but I am so glad they stayed  and worked thing out, that she found the stranght to make things right again and finnaly live the life she wanted and the life desereved. I cried when her article got published and I cried in the end reading the epiloge seeing her succed as a writer and even seeing him succeeed as a musician it was the best thing! Oh but I also love that they got to keep the memories from take one!

Oh heavens when the realisation hit me that the title “Again but better” was refering to doing London again and the things with Pilot and not college in general as I thought in the beginning like wow that moment was just wow!!!!

I brought up her parents a few times now I think is time to say a word about them too so I understand that they want her to have a good future but the way they acted was so wrong I didn’t liked them at all! I loved how in take two she proved them wrong!!!!! When they had dinner in take one I was crying for Shane that was so intense I felt so incredebly sorry for her but looking back the fact that she succeded in take two made it even better! 

I already mentioned that I loved Shane and Pilot in take two well I already loved them but I mean as they got together, their little jokes and the move thing and lamppost thing that was hilarious!!! And god I loved when they filmed the youtube video together, how they sang together that was soooo cute I loved it so so much!! And his speech at the end in Edinbrough like o my god and the one in the epiloge I just couldn’t I was crying all the way!!!

I was so sad when I finished, I loved every second of it!!!! It is such a special book for me and I will treasure it forever!!! Somehow it feels good to write all of this because I am sure in a few years I am going to read it and be very glad I wrote it while the memory was fresh. Speaking of fresh, it’s been two days since I finished it and I am not ready to let it go yet, I still can’t remove the book from my nightstand nor can I start another book, it still has to sink in, I am not ready for anything new, I love it to much to let it go so soon!!!

If you made it till here thank you so much you are a hero!!!

[maxwellshippo]

Writer’s Block

(Male) Raleigh x MC (Beck James) / Platinum

Description: Fluff. SFW. Beck has writers block and when all else fails, she calls Raleigh for help.

Word Count: 2103

A/N: I can’t get enough of these two, seriously. Thanks for everyone for being so nice on my first fic. Here’s everyone who asked me to tag them: @drakeismyweakness @jlpplays1  @lovedrakewalker @furiouscloddonutpeanut  If I missed anyone, I’m so sorry!

Beck nervously tapped a pencil against a blank sheet of paper, internally screaming at herself to Just. Write. Something. 

Nothing came to her head. She sighed, falling back to the cold floors of her apartment and pulled her phone out, beginning to waste time by scrolling through Pictagram. She’d been cooped up in here all day. She wished for fresh air on her skin, or to go out and have fun. But a nearing deadline for her debut album was a weight on her shoulders. She had to put out her best work...better than Jaylen’s, who’s debut album would be coming out the same week as hers. 

For so long, she wished for this life, imagining it would be glamorous outfits, tours to exotic cities and thousands of fans screaming her name. Soon enough, Beck thought. She just had to get through the hard part. There was always a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, right?

Inspired, she picked her notepad up again. Something was about to come. Genius was going to be spilled out of this piece of paper, she knew it!

Until nothing. Beck groaned, falling back down. She grabbed her phone again and dialed Shane. She needed to talk to someone that wasn’t an inanimate object. No answer. She frowned, scrolling through her contacts. She didn’t have any other friends in New York besides Avery, Fiona and the rest of her team. She didn’t want to bother Avery...I mean, he had his own life to live, right?

But it was worth a shot. She pressed her phone to her ear, swallowing hard as nerves enveloped her as she realized she was calling her idol to hang out.

“Beck?” His soft, English voice came through the other end. “How are you, love?”

“I’m great.” Beck couldn’t help but to smile. She gathered up the confidence to ask.  “I was wondering if you’re free.”

Avery took a pause. Beck closed her eyes, knowing a ‘no’ would follow. “I’m sorry, Beck. I can’t make it tonight. I’ll make it up to you tomorrow, yeah?”

“That sounds great.” Beck agreed, a little defeated. “You’re not mad at me, are you, love?”

“No, never!” Beck smiled, as if Avery could see it. “You owe me breakfast tomorrow.”

She smiled genuinely when Avery laughed loudly. “We’ll have the best pancakes New York has to offer.”

They said their goodbyes and hung up. Beck found herself back at her contacts list, thumb hovering over Raleigh’s number. Should I call? She felt like a teenager whenever the thought of Raleigh came to mind. She liked him so much but hated to admit it. She didn’t want to be anywhere near him because she’d only fall harder, yet, she’d find herself coming up with excuses to contact him.

She pressed dial, cringing at herself as she put the phone on speaker and laid it on her chest as she waited for him to pick up. She covered her eyes with her hands. “What did I do?” She muttered to herself and the dial tone, fully expecting to reach his voicemail before Raleigh picked up.

“Hey, Princess.” His deep, husky voice sounded from the other line.

“Hey.” Beck gulped, realizing she hadn’t planned this far ahead and didn’t know what she was going to say. “To what do I owe the pleasure?” Raleigh asked, sounding like he was in a car.

“I just…” Beck sighed. “You sound busy. I didn’t mean to bother you.”

“You’re a pain in my ass at times, but you’re not bothering me right now.” He joked.

“Ha-ha,” Beck rolled her eyes. “I was wondering if you were free...I’m kind of in a slump right now.”

A pause. Beck could hear the smirk forming behind the phone. “Beck, is this a booty-call?”

“God, no!” Beck said, appalled. “I’m having really awful writers block and I just needed someone to take my mind off of it!”

“Our next date isn’t until Tuesday...you know I’m off the clock for all boyfriend duties, right?” He teased. 

“Forget about it, Raleigh. I was inviting you to hang out...as a friend.” Beck rolled her eyes. “Sweetheart, we’re not just friends and you know it.” Raleigh grinned. “Are you at your apartment right now?”

“Mmhm.” Beck sat up, taking the call off speaker and holding the phone to her ear with her shoulder. “

“So what are you wearing?” Raleigh’s voice that dripped with sarcasm didn’t miss a beat. He took one pause, relishing in Beck’s fluster at his question. He laughed, sending butterflies through her stomach. “So I know to dress appropriately...of course.”

“In that case, take off your I’m-a-big-jerk clothes.” Beck managed to snap back. Raleigh laughed again. “I’ll be to you soon. Have you had anything to eat yet?”

“No.” Beck couldn’t help but to smile at the fact Raleigh was coming over. She turned to a mirror, smoothing down her hair and clothes.

“Should I bring pizza?” Raleigh asked.

“Oh god, yesss. I’m starving.” Beck begged. “Let me guess, pizza to you is cauliflower crust with dairy-free cheese and pineapple?” Raleigh asked.

“Hell no. Bring me the greasy, good stuff.” Beck said. “You got it, Princess.”

Raleigh hung up. An hour later, there was a knock at her door. Beck ran over, hand gripping on the doorknob until she stopped.

Play it cool. She thought. Casually, she tossed her hair over her shoulder and opened the door smoothly. Raleigh leaned in the doorway, one hand holding up a pizza box. “Did someone order delivery?”

Beck and Raleigh sat on the floor by her couch, pizza propped up on the coffee table as they discussed her dilemma. “You’re going to have to get your album done sooner rather than later.” Raleigh told her, a mouthful of pizza. “What label, management and production wants, they get.”

“I know.” Beck frowned, taking a bite out of her second slice. “I just...always thought this part would be so fun and easy, y’know? They don’t make it look this hard on tv.”

“Life’s no movie.” Raleigh wiped his mouth with a napkin. “There’s no handbook for this kind of stuff...but if anyone knows how you feel, it’s me.”

“How did you handle it?” Beck asked. “You know...being thrown into this world headfirst.”

Raleigh frowned. “Maybe I didn’t handle it the best. But you’re going to be different. You got people to keep you grounded. Friends who care about you.”

Beck hugged a throw pillow to her chest and gave a hug. “I know you’re right but...it doesn’t always feel that way. I feel like I’m a bother to everyone at times. Like I’m some sort of charity case...always begging for someone to hold my hand through the scary parts.”

“You’re talkin’ about Avery?” Raleigh asked. Beck sighed. “Avery, Fiona, Shane...even you.”

“Hey, that’s not true.” Raleigh put a hand on hers, rubbing his thumb across her skin.

“You told me I’m a pain in the ass, earlier!” Beck tossed the pillow at him. Raleigh caught it and laughed. “But you’re my pain in the ass.”

“Now come on, let’s get inspired.” Raleigh got up and grabbed Beck’s guitar that was tossed in the corner.  He sat on the couch, patting for her to sit next to him. She sat, one leg crossed under her as Raleigh shrugged off his jacket, revealing muscled arms under a tight, black t-shirt as he began to play the acoustic instrument. “I’m going to play a song and you sing the first words that come to your head.”

Beck’s eyes widened. “Raleigh, it’s not that simple-”

“Shush, darling. Listen to the music.” He strummed the chords gently. And as Raleigh began to play, Beck started to sing. First, she sang familiar songs. Then some originals. As the night carried on, Beck sang her heart out and Raleigh even joined in for a duet. As they finished singing the last lyrics together, Beck lunged forward and wrapped her arms around Raleigh’s neck, inhaling his smooth cologne.

“Raleigh, that was amazing.” He put the guitar down, pressing one hand to the small of her back. “You were amazing.” He corrected her. When Beck pulled out of the hug, her arms were still around his neck. She laughed nervously as their eyes stood locked. Raleigh’s eyes ran over her, like he was staring into her soul and reading her like a book. God, when he looked at her like that she could feel her knees turn weak. When Raleigh looked in her eyes, it was like time slowed down and she was the only thing in the world. 

Beck shook herself out of the trance, removing her arms from his neck. She chuckled. “Maybe I should make you buy me pizza more often..look at how much I wrote.” She motioned to the stack of papers.

“I’m happy to help.” Raleigh said. He stood up, awkwardly rubbing his neck. “I guess my duties here are finished.”

“Wait.” Beck grabbed his hand before he could grab his jacket and leave. Raleigh turned, an awkward beat between them as Beck struggled for the words she wanted to say.

“Do you want to stay?” She spit out, regretting them as soon as he started to smile. Before he could tease her, she quickly started to backtrack. “I meant to like...watch a movie...or something. But you probably have somewhere to be. Plus, we have a long day on Tuesday. I don’t want to annoy you too much longer.”

“Princess, if you want me spend the night, all you have to do is ask.” Raleigh plopped back down on the couch. Beck hit his chest with the throw pillow again. He laughed. “What movie are we watching, gorgeous?”

Beck shut the lights as they prepared themselves on the couch, the empty pizza box from earlier rested on the corner of the coffee table while a bowl of hot, fresh popcorn took it’s place in the center. Beck and Raleigh fought about the choice of movie for a few minutes until she victoriously picked a chick-flick.

Raleigh pretended to groan and be upset, but truthfully, he didn’t mind. He looked over at her as the opening credits started to roll and she mouthed along the words to the script, a cheesy smile plastered across her face as she cuddled with a pillow. She’d clearly seen this movie more than once.

During the movie, Raleigh asked an abnormal amount of questions about each character, what their motive was, why they were dressed that way, why wouldn’t _____ do ____ instead of doing ____ because it would be so much easier, and so on. “Raleigh!” Beck whined. “Just pay attention and you’ll understand!”

“What kind of idiot would jump on a ferris wheel to talk to a girl?” Raleigh went on. “He must have no game.”

“It was a sweet gesture!” Beck cried. 

“To what? Almost die?”

“Raleigh Carrera, you are no romantic.” Beck grabbed a throw blanket from above the couch and cuddled under it. Raleigh side-eyed her, amused at how cute she looked snuggled under such a fluffy blanket. “You cold?” Beck caught him staring. “No, you just look like a yeti.” He teased.

Beck rolled her eyes, scooting over and laying her head on his chest. She covered him with the white blanket as well. “Who looks like a yeti now?” She muttered. Raleigh wrapped his arm around her as they cuddled. He decided he would let her watch the rest of her movie in peace...and he also decided he would never admit to her that he’d seen the Notebook before, and he actually didn’t think it was half-bad.

Towards the end, Raleigh noticed Beck had fallen asleep. He looked around her living room, eyes tired and heavy himself, wondering if he should wake her to leave. Just then, she snuggled closer into him, one hand wrapped under his back and the other clutching his shoulder. Raleigh relaxed into her touch and pulled her closer, burying his nose into her hair as he drifted off to sleep as well. In the morning, to save face, he’d blame his dosing off on the boring movie.

[islareeveswriting]

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INSTAS

The deep end was a scary place to be.

Molly found she didn’t mind it too much normally, when it came to things like uni work. In fact she found she quite liked it when it came to uni work. She thrived off having lots to do, a little stress seemed to make her work harder and better, and maybe it drained her a bit, made her feel a little more tired, and a little more glad when it was all over, it also meant the pay off felt far better. Molly was well rehearsed at keeping herself afloat at the deep end.

However, stood on the sidelines of the rugby pitch between Amanda and Katie, with Zak on her hip, Molly realised how she’d never truly been out of her depth enough to appreciate the deep end for what it was. Thrown in didn’t cut it. She hadn’t even seen Harry before the game started, she just turned up at the rugby club, as instructed, at the time Harry had told her, and hoped she saw Amanda, or Amanda saw her before anyone began to notice she was a little out of her comfort zone. Luckily Amanda had spotted her from the other side of the club house and beckoned her over before anyone else in the room seemed to have even realised Molly had arrived.

After discussing Molly’s sketches and ideas for what turned out to be nearly an hour, Molly had asked Harry to stay, he’d happily agreed, a bright smile creeping onto his face quietly, attempting subtlety but not quite managing to. Strangely Molly felt more nervous about spending the night with Harry in that bed than she had at her parents house. It was a good nervous though, an excited nervous, the kind she quite liked and made her feel zingy. She’d been like a giggly teenager when she’d crawled in beside Harry who was wearing only a pair of jersey shorts and his boxers under her sheets, her face clean and hair brushed, unable to to bite the coy smile back as Harry wrapped an arm over her middle, pulling her closer until there was barely any space between them at all, just enough so they could look at each other as they whispered quietly through the darkness.

It was as they laid there, fighting tiredness and their bodies desire to sleep, too caught up in their quiet conversation and the way their eyes glittered in the dark of the room, that Harry asked if he wanted to attend the annual Charity gala with him at the rugby club. Molly’s heart sped up at first. That sounded important, and not at all like taking it slow, but he’d asked, and she calmed as he went onto explain it a little more. It was quite a casual affair, Harry would have to wear a jacket of some kind as was tradition after a game, but it never lasted long, there’d be a raffle, some food, stupid games, just a general good time. But more than that, Harry wanted her there with him and that made Molly feel some sort of way that was only another signal that things weren’t going as slowly as had been insinuated in the car a few days prior.

Just over a week later, and Molly was stood on the side of a rugby pitch for the first time in her life, with two of Harry’s good friends, following suit and cheering as they did, slowly getting her head around what was going on and the basic rules. Even Zak seemed to have more of an idea what was going as he squealed for ‘daddy’ everytime Joe got the ball and pushed through the other teams players being dragged to the floor. Harry grabbed it out after every tackle and passed it out to another player, most of whom Molly didn’t know. Shane was on their side of the pitch, running up and down the side, moving into the centre, but mostly staying on the edge of the pitch, whereas Niall only stayed in the middle and kicked the ball over the post after every try. Though there’d only been two of those, none scored by anyone Molly knew, but she cheered with the others, and Zak who clapped along happily.

Molly was still trying to work out how the scrum worked when the whistle cried loudly over all other sounds, even that of her whirring mind. She twisted her head to the noise, a gang of men from both teams engaged in what looked like quite an angry altercation. Harry was in the centre, squared up to a man much larger than him in every possible way, their foreheads practically touching as if they were a pair of fighting bulls. Molly wasn’t entirely sure why she was so surprised, but she did gasp a little as Shane pulled Harry roughly away and marched him away as the other team chuckled to themselves. Molly could tell Shane was having stern words with Harry, but she suspected it was as more than just as team captain.

“Typical Harry,” Katie chuckled from beside Molly, shaking her head a little as she did so. “He’s gonna end up in trouble before long,” She continued. Molly listened but didn’t say anything, didn’t even ask the questions on the tip of her tongue, simply because she felt like she probably knew the answer. It wasn’t exactly a secret Harry had a tendency to let anger get the better of him if the situation was right, and his buttons were pushed enough. Molly imagined that on the rugby pitch, with testosterone coursing through him, hoping to win, that the buttons were a little easier to find.

“Ah, he’s no worse than any of the others really,” Amanda shrugged off, eyes glued to the pitch. Molly glanced to Amanda out of the side of her eye, and she felt Katie twist her head, but Amanda never turned to look at either of them, firm in her statement, and not about to back down under the cold glare Molly could feel from the other side of her. Before anymore could be said on the matter, Amanda was screaming again, cheering Harry’s name loudly. Molly flicked her eyes to the pitch, to see Harry flying down the side line, darting around a couple of the opposing team and diving over the try line, slamming the ball to the floor before hopping to his feet and jumping to the air just as Niall crashed into him to celebrate.

“Yay Uncle Harry,” Zak cried and Molly chuckled, cheering with him as she bounced Zak on her hip.

The rest of the game was largely undramatic. No more fights, but a couple more points for both sides. When the final whistle sounded, after Niall had booted the ball out of play, the homeside were three points ahead. Molly smiled on as she watched them celebrate, hugging and laughing, shaking hands politely with the other team members. Harry caught Molly’s eye as he pulled out of a hug with a member of his own team that Molly didn’t know and winked before strolling over to her. It had been a wet week, and as a consequence Harry was coated in mud. It was stuck in his hair, slathered down one side of his face and embedded into his knees.

“You need a shower,” Molly chuckled once Harry was close enough to hear. The offence ran over his face quickly, bottom lip pouting and eyebrows dipping.

“Your man has just won, he scored a try, and you’re telling me I need a shower?” Harry pouted, “You’re meant to be going weak at the knees.” Molly laughed and shook her head as Harry leant over the rope that kept the spectators from the pitch to give her a kiss.

“Ewww,” Zak wailed, pushing away from Molly’s chest, attempting to get as far from the display of affection as possible.

“Oh Zakky, what’s up, you jealous?” Harry asked, pouting his lips dramatically and leering closer to the toddler who only backed further away as he did so. “So what did you think?” Harry asked, turning attention to Molly again, Zak refusing to entertain Harry’s jokes.

“Was good, enjoyed it,” Molly smiled nodding.

“You’d come again?” Harry asked hopefully, eyes widening and brightening a little.

“Yeah, if you wanted me to,” Molly told him, nodding still.

“I’d like you to want to,” Harry told her quietly, leaning closer still, as close as he could without falling over the rope completely.

“Well, beggars can’t be choosers Styles,” Molly jested playfully, a little smirk pulling at one corner of her mouth. Again Harry’s bottom lip pouted a little and the space between his eyebrows creased. “So you are gonna shower?”

“Definitely,” Harry laughed, “Got a suit to put on,” Harry reminded her. It wasn’t a full suit, but Molly had helped him choose a jacket out of his vast collection of suits to wear with his black jeans after the game. Molly had been a little surprised at just how extensive, and well curated his suit collection was, but one in particular stood out. It was a mixture of earth tones arranged in an eye catching geometric pattern that send Molly’s mind into a spin. It had to be that one. “Go get yourself a drink, I won’t be long,” Harry promised.

“Do you want anything?” Molly offered beginning to back away from the rope.

“It’s ok, there’ll be beer in the changing room, I’ll get one with you once I’m dressed,” Harry told her, and Molly nodded before turning to find Amanda and Katie, strolling towards the clubhouse with the pram that Zak had gotten out of within five minutes of the game starting and not looked at again.

Once inside, and back with Katie and Amanda, Molly put Zak down and offered the other two girls a drink. They both accepted, Amanda asking for a bottled beer and Katie for a glass of wine. Molly knew which she’d choose, deciding the first time socialising with all Harry’s rugby friends was not an evening to drink wine. The bar was heaving but Molly found a little space to squeeze into, keeping herself to herself nad waiting for one of the three bar staff to get to her. She knew what it was like to work a bar that busy, she wasn’t about to get impatient.

“You being served?” Molly looked to the voice, a rotund elderly man looking at her and pointing.

“No, erm,” Molly hesitated, checking the stock of beer in the fridge behind the man, “Two coronas and a large glass of Pinot please?” Molly asked, falling back to the floor from her tiptoes.

“Not seen you around here before, new girlfriend is it?” The man asked as he grabbed the two bottles and popped the tops from them. There was a crease between his eyebrows and it was very clear to Molly that he was used to knowing ever person that came in and out of the doors of that place.

“Erm, well,” Molly hesitated because girlfriend wasn’t exactly the right word, in fact it was far from the right word. “I’m here with Harry -Styles,” Molly added quickly, just in case though the slight smirk told Molly she needn’t have worried.

“Ah, young Harold, I see,” The man smiled, nodding as he unwound the top from a bottle of wine. “About time he found himself a girlfriend.”

“Oh, no, we’re not, I’m not..” Molly flustered, it was hard to explain and she could feel her cheeks getting pink.

“Not what? He’s brought you here, so you must be something,” The man told her, and Molly swallowed on nothing, not entirely sure what she was meant to say, mainly because she didn’t really know what her and Harry were.

It hadn’t bothered her until then, hadn’t concerned her even an iota until she was trying to find the words to explain their situation. They’d moved on from just friends but hadn’t settled on something else yet. That suited her, them, perfectly, they knew the feelings it didn’t need a name. But it was hard to explain it to anyone else, particularly a nearly elderly man Molly didn’t know. “Seeing each other is it?” He asked, and Molly nodded, supposing that was it. “Well he must like ya, no lad would bring a girl in here unless he was serious,” The man, whose name Molly nearly asked for, but didn’t, informed her, and there wasn’t a hint of a joke in his voice. Molly just smiled, because she couldn’t help the little bit inside her that quite liked the idea of that. “Bill by the way,” The man told Molly before asking for her money, Molly smiled grateful he seemed to have read her mind.

Molly handed money over to Bill and took the drinks over the table that Katie and Amanda had occupied. She handed them out and took the seat next to Katie, it wasn’t purposeful, but once she was in it, Molly hoped it might make Katie warm a little more to her. It wasn’t quite as icy as it had been in the cafe, perhaps Katie was happier now things were becoming a little more serious, but still there was the odd look that set Molly on edge and made her feel a little uncomfortable.

“So things are going well with Harry?” Amanda asked, her lips popping around the edge of the bottle when she took a large sip.

“Yeah,” Molly said with a nod and a smile. “Taking it slow, seeing how things go, but so far, so good,” Molly explained, lifting her own bottle to her lips and taking a sip.

“That’s a good idea, don’t want to rush into things, make sure you really know each other first,” Katie smiled, and Molly appreciated what sounded like a supportive sentiment.

“Yeah, exactly,” Molly nodded, and Katie offered a small smile, something a little sympathetic about it before she took a mouthful of her wine. The conversation moved on from there naturally, the three of them chatting just generally about everything and anything until men started filtering out into the bar area from the changing rooms, lugging kit bags and dressed in casual suits, mostly smart blazer jackets and trousers of some kind. Shane appeared first, a pair of dark trousers on and a blazer that blended well with them.

“Evening ladies,” Shane grinned, that bright, Hollywood smile that would have made Molly weak at the knees if she wasn’t waiting for one she thought was better. He bent and kissed them all on the cheek sweetly. “That jacket of Harry’s is wild,” Shane chuckled looking at Molly as he attempted to clasp his watch together.

“It’s good isn’t it?” Molly grinned, to which Shane nodded, still concentrating on his watch. “Do you want a hand?” Molly offered, sitting up a little and reaching her hands to his wrist.

“Oh thanks Mol,” Shane breathed lowering his wrist so she could get her hands to him. “Hand got trodden on and fingers aren’t quite working yet,” he chuckled lowly as Molly clipped the clasp together and adjusted his jacket sleeve a little so it was sitting how it was designed to.  “Getting us all dressed is it?”

“Well if you’re gonna wear a jacket, may as well wear it properly,” Molly winked earning a laugh from those in ear shot. Shane offered a drink which they all declined thanks to their freshly bought round, and disappeared over to the bar. “I was terrified of him when I first met him,” Molly admitted quietly, causing Amanda to laugh.

“Everyone is,” Katie told her with a grin. “He’s a puppy dog though when you get to know him,” She went on, glancing over her shoulder at Shane. “Wildly protective of Harry though,” Katie frowned, and out of the corner of her eye she saw Amanda straighten.

“Why?” Molly asked, eyes narrowing and flicking between the two women. No one said anything for a good ten seconds, and Molly didn’t miss the look between Amanda and Katie, jaws tense and Amanda’s nostrils flinching a little.

“Guess he just feels like his big brother? After the stuff with his dad and things,” Amanda explained, and Molly could get that. It explained the look as well, perhaps they weren’t sure how much Molly knew, but the way she accepted the explanation obviously told them that she knew just enough for it to make sense.

Slowly the rest of the players trickled out of the changing rooms, Harry was one of the last. Molly caught him out of the corner of her eye before he saw her, and took the opportunity to check him out. Her eyes lifted up his body, from the black leather boots he had on, over the skinny jeans, that were fairly new and blacker than the ones he normally wore. There was a leather belt holding them up that looked worn and well used, undone and tightened again  enough to leave permanent creases in the leather. The black shirt he’d opted for was tucked into the jeans, buttoned up to his throat, the collar perfectly ironed and firm around his neck.

But the jacket stole the show. Molly was sure about it when she saw it in his wardrobe, but on his body it was even better. It was like it was made for him. It wrapped his arms snugly, but not too tight that it looked uncomfortable, it cleared his shoulders nicely and only emphasised just how broad he was. The jacket was unbuttoned and Molly watched as he reached into the pocket of it, pulling out his rings and beginning to slide them onto his fingers as he walked. Molly watched for a second before finding his face, only to discover she’d been well and truly caught checking him out. Harry just offered a smirk and a wink before beginning to greet the group, leaving Molly blushing and sipping her beer to try and cool her cheeks.

“Afternoon all.” Harry’s voice was rougher than normal as he threw his bag to the floor and kicked it under the table beside Molly before bending at the hip to capture her lips in a quick kiss. If anyone really took any notice of it they didn’t show it, but it only intensified the blush that was lingering under Molly’s cheeks. “Want another drink love?” Harry asked, delving into the back pocket of his jeans to retrieve his wallet.

“Sure, I’ll give you a hand,” Molly told him, getting to her feet and finishing the last of her beer quickly.

“Easy love, we don’t want a repeat of your birthday,” Harry jested with a wink.

“No, you just don’t want me kissing Niall again, might realise what I’m missing,” Molly rose quickly, leaving Harry a little gobsmacked as the rest of the table chuckled lowly. “Drinks then,” Harry just nodded quietly, offering the others a drink before leading the way to the bar.

It was quieter than when Molly had ventured up there earlier, only a few people stood around it, and less than that actually waiting to be served. Harry walked straight up and leaned against the old wooden top, stained and marked from years of use. He hardly even acknowledged that Molly moved in to stand next to him, flicking his eyes to her, but never looking properly. Molly could feel it, the corner of a wedge between them and she rolled her eyes at it, smirking to herself.

“Really?” She asked, unable to not be amused. “You really ignoring me now?”

“Well why did you have to say that?” Harry returned quickly and a little viciously. His eyes were dark and his voice was a low rumble, disguised from any eavesdroppers by the music that was playing. Molly just shook her head and turned to catch the attention of Bill, or one of the other two bar staff, though all of them were serving other people. “Was out of order,” Harry added.

“But it’s ok for you to try and make me look a dick?” Molly retaliated quickly twisting her neck back to Harry. She wondered if it was obvious they were having a disagreement, she could bet it was. Harry’s body was stiff, his jaw bitten tight and her eyes kept narrowing in his direction.

“That’s different,” Harry mumbled.

“Really? How?”

“Because I’m not threatening to kiss someone else,” Harry pointed out. There wasn’t a doubt that if the room hadn’t been packed he’d have raised his voice, but instead he spoke through a clenched jaw, his teeth bitten together, his tongue hitting the back of them as pushed his words out of his throat.

“If you honestly think I’d do that you don’t know me very well,” Molly spurred, turning away from Harry again, admittedly a little hurt.

“Well, you did it to Ryan,” Harry reminded her, as if she needed reminding. No matter what Ryan had done, before or after they’d broken up, it didn’t take away from the fact she’d kissed someone else when they were together. No matter what happened from there, she doubted she’d be able to forgive herself. It was something she swore she’d never do, and no matter how many times Lauren told it was just a kiss, it was nothing, and no matter how much she knew how little it meant, it didn’t feel any better.

“Don’t use that against me Harry,” Molly murmured, sucking her cheeks in.

“Well don’t use it against me then,” Harry returned.

“Against you? Exactly how was I using it against you, you were the one who-”

“You have absolutely no idea how soul destroying it was to see you kissing my best mate do you?” Harry cut in quickly. Molly froze and closed her hanging jaw slowly pinching her lips together, if she’d been expecting him to say anything, it hadn’t been that. Harry sucked his teeth and shook his head. “Thought so.” Molly wasn’t sure what to say, whether an apology was more fitting, or just silent contemplation of what he’d said. It sunk in quickly, and it ached as it did it. Molly had her lips pinched together and she stared at the bar, picking at a blob of candle wax that had obviously dripped onto the wood at some point. “Look,” Harry started with a breath, “I’m not trying to make you feel bad, but I hate when you joke about that because it really got to me when it happened, and does a bit now too.”

“Why?” Molly asked quietly.

“Cause I really fucking liked you and you were kissing my best mate, why’d you think?” Harry told her honestly, Molly just shrugged, swallowing on nothing. It felt bad enough she’d done it anyway, now it felt worse. “I hate that you kissed him before you even thought about kissing me.”

“That’s not true,” Molly pointed out quickly, and it took Harry back. “I’d thought about kissing you, long before I kissed Niall.” Molly explained before Harry could ask what she was talking about. There was a smug smirk that crawled onto Harry’s face seemingly pleased with himself. “Don’t look so smug,” Molly tutted shaking her head.

“Well that makes it a little bit better,” Harry pondered, letting his tongue hang from one of his canine teeth.

“Jealousy isn’t a good look Harry, even on you,” Molly told him, finally catching the eye of the only woman working behind the bar.

“Everything’s a good look on me love,” Harry jested, turning as the woman got closer. “Alright Jackie, can I get…” Harry began to list of their order Molly looking at him as he did so, pondering what had just happened. As Jackie set about getting their order together, Harry looked back down at Molly. “What?” He asked with a grin.

“Can’t keep up with you, we’ve gone from arguing about a comment, to you being all smug and happy with yourself in two minutes, I don’t know if I’m coming or going,” Molly told him, and Harry chuckled though she wasn’t sure she was amused.

“Well, would you rather that, or let it ruin the night and be miserable?” Harry asked, and Molly supposed that was fair enough. “Look, I get jealous, I like you, so I get jealous, I’m a narcissist, I’m an arse hole, I know, and I’m sorry but I really like you Lol, really fucking like you, and I’m trying so hard not to be a narcissitc arse hole, cause I really don’t want to fuck this up,” Harry explained, and Molly huffed a laugh. “I’m failing right now, I know.”

“Don’t change, you’re not fucking it up,” Molly told him with a creeping smile. It was so wildly different to anything Molly had ever known and thrill of it was far better than any security or safety she’d gotten used to in the past. There was no doubt Harry wasn’t going to her hurt her in anyway, but he kept her guessing with everything else, and Molly found herself falling for it. “Kiss me?” She asked sweetly.

“As if you have to ask,” Harry chuckled, leaning forward and tipping Molly’s chin with his finger and thumb and catching her poised lips with his. It was a little intimate for the setting but neither seemed to care, not immediately anyway.

“Come on Styles, leave it til you get her home,” Jackie piped up, forcing them away from one another with a blush on Molly’s part and a laugh on Harry’s. “Seventeen eighty then ta,” Jackie told Harry, who started working on getting money out of his wallet as Molly began to carry drinks over to the table.

Once both back at the table, Harry and Molly took the seats next to one another, both with quietly pleased smiles on their faces as they took sips from their drinks and Harry reached under the table to put his hand on her thigh. No one even batted an eye lid as they shuffled closer to one another, too caught up in the conversation that was circling the table. Harry’s fingers were drawing patterns near Molly’s knee delicately enough that it tickled her skin through her jeans. Before Harry’s hand on her leg or around her own hand had been simply a source of comfort, an acknowledgement they were in it together. It still held that too, it still felt comforting and reassuring, but it was more than that. They were still in it together, but also it was a declaration that they were together, and Harry wasn’t afraid to touch her, or kiss her, or show any kind of affection in front of anyone. His hand was hidden by the table, but Molly had no doubt, if the table wasn’t there, his hand would still be resting over her leg, and tracing over her jeans to send tingles through her.

It felt like the mood had changed, at least to Molly. Things felt different to how they had initially. Neither of them were quite as tentative or nervous about stepping forward for what they wanted from the other. There were moments that felt a lot more primal and intuitive than the practiced steps they’d been taking in the moments after their first kiss. The way Harry pulled Molly’s body tighter to his, trying to get as much of his skin against her as possible, ensuring she could feel every part of him. The way she asked for a kiss, and didn’t shy from letting her breath tickle over his puckered lips as she stepped back down, hoping to leave him wanting more.

There was a conversation Molly was sure they had to have, though simultaneously she wasn’t entirely sure they did have to have it. With Ryan, they’d discussed it, it was her first time and she wanted it to be clear that she wasn’t rushing. It was very obvious Molly and Harry weren’t going to be each other’s firsts when they got to that point, and that was new to Molly. It made her nervous, not being sure whether to bring it up, to ask, or to just let it happen when they both wanted it to. Of course she trusted Harry completely, that wasn’t even something she was questioning, she knew he wouldn’t judge her or laugh at her, but it didn’t take away from how nervous bringing it up made her feel.

A gentle squeeze of her thigh bought Molly out of her thoughts, and she looked to Harry offering him a smile that matched the one he was giving her. Of course he could see she was getting into her head about something, and Molly could tell by the way his eyes flicked a little narrower for a second that he was trying to work out why. Molly tried to reassure him, widening her smile and a small shake of her head. Harry just bit his cheek though, and didn’t return his attention to the group until Molly had.

“Where are the toilets?” Molly asked, reaching forward and putting her bottle on the table.

“I’ll show you, need to go anyway,” Katie smiled, getting to her feet. Molly felt her tummy tighten, she couldn’t help it, Katie was intimidating and being alone with her made her a little nervous, but Molly just nodded and got to her feet, looking back to Harry as she followed Katie towards a door at the back of the room. He just chuckled quietly, noticing the tension Molly was holding.

The two women didn’t talk as they walked to the toilet, or once they’d locked themselves in separate cubicles. Molly wondered what the protocol was. Should she wait for Katie if she was done first, would Katie wait for her? Normally Molly would wait behind for her friends, but they were a gaggle of university girls often in club toilets together, not barely acquaintances in an antiquated rugby club.

Molly was done first, and she washed her hands slowly, hoping she wouldn’t have to make the decision and Katie would appear from her cubicle as she held her hands under the dryer. Luckily it worked, and Katie smiled as she caught Molly’s eye. Now Molly knew it was protocol to wait, she couldn’t just walk out the door without Katie now Katie was at the sink washing her hands. Molly stood patiently by the door, folding her lips together trying to think of something to say.

“-So-”

“-Sorry,” Katie spoke over Molly, though not intentionally. They chuckled quietly, and Molly motioned for Katie to carry on. “Sorry if I came across like a bitch,” Katie continued, wiping her semi-dry hands on her blue jeans.

“No, don’t be silly,” Molly brushed it off, obviously not about to tell Katie how uncomfortable she’d made Molly feel at brunch a couple of weeks previous.

“You don’t have to be nice, I know I come across cold, I’m not stupid,” Katie laughed, and Molly just shrugged not entirely sure what to say. “Was a bit of a shock Harry bought someone along to be honest,” Katie went on, and it was suddenly clear they weren’t about to just walk straight back out of the toilets, and perhaps Katie had been wanting to get Molly alone for a little longer than Molly had realised. “We never really even hear about girls he’s with, or at least Amanda and I don’t, he tells the lads about his conquests, but it’s normally just sex,” Katie shrugged as Molly tried not to feel uncomfortable. She shifted her weight and cleared her throat. “Of course, I’m not saying that’s all he’s with you for, obviously it’s not,” Molly nodded, though she couldn’t help the feeling that even if that wasn’t what Katie was saying, that she was putting the idea in Molly’s head by saying the words.

“No, of course not,” Molly smiled, before sucking her cheeks in and tilting her head. “Just, well, I’m not sure what you are trying to say,” Molly chuckled sarcastically. There was no doubt Katie could feel the tension she’d built up, but it was impossible to tell if she was enjoying it.

“You seem like a really lovely girl, everyone really likes you, just Harry has a tendency to lead people on, and you should know that,” Katie told Molly, stepping forward. Molly folded her arms across her chest and stood a little taller. It was very clear what Katie was getting at and she didn’t like it. The majority of her couldn’t believe it, not after how well Harry had, for the most part, treated her. But there was the tiniest bit of her that was starting to panic that her instinct that it was all too good to be true, might have been right. “If you want my opinion-”

“I don’t, I have my own, thanks,” Molly bit in, and turned for the door and moved to pull it, though Katie stepped in and held it closed.

“Well, I hope you know exactly what it is you’re getting into then,” Katie hissed before letting the door go so Molly could wrench it open. Molly could feel her hands trembling and she scraped them through her hair before she opened the second door back to the bar area, holding it open for Katie. There was no way she was willing to let it get under her skin, but at the very least, she didn’t want Harry to see it. So she smiled and walked beside Katie back to the table.

“Actually I’m going to be modelling for Lolly’s new project,” Molly heard Harry announce as they got closer to the table and Katie re-took her seat. Molly just smiled as Harry looked to her, but she began rummaging around in the pockets of her coat, not willing to take her seat again just yet.

“Ooo, get you,” Amanda cooed, bouncing Zak on her knee, suddenly tired and back from wherever he’d been. “What’s the project?” Amanda asked, turning her attention to Molly. Molly felt the spotlight, and cleared her throat, glancing at Amanda but not holding her eyes for any length of time, getting straight back to what she was looking for.

“It’s a tailoring project,” Molly mumbled, moving to the other pocket.

“Tell them about the ideas,” Harry gushed, nuding her arm a little with his elbow as he did so. The grin was welded into his tone of voice, Molly could hear it loud and clear.

“No Harry,” Molly sighed, giving up with her pockets and grabbing her bag from under her chair to look through it. The tote was large for where she found herself, but she’d come from the library where she’d been looking for references for an essay she was nearly finished with, and it was full with all kinds of things, making the search for the pack of cigarettes, she knew she’d picked up, harder than it should have been. They were left on the side from a housemate night out two nights previous. Jimmy and her had gone halves and there were three left in the pack of ten, all of them hers. At first she told herself she didn’t need them, and she didn’t. But she knew she’d be drinking, and the way Katie’s words had left her reeling, she was glad she’d grabbed them in a last minute panic and thrown them into her bag. Though she wished she had indeed put them in her pocket the way she’d intended as she swore she felt every pair of eyes on her.

“What? Why?” Harry quizzed quickly.

“They don’t want to hear about all that, it’s boring,” Molly hissed, flicking her eyes to Harry from her bag for a second.

“I’d like to hear,” Katie piped up from where she was sat. Molly turned her glare to Katie, Rich’s arm wrapped around the back of her chair. Molly wondered if he knew what his fiance had planned on telling Molly, or even if she’d planned it all. She wondered if Katie could see how she’d made Molly feel and was trying to make up for it, or if she was just twisting the knife. Molly just shook her head.  “What I would? It’s interesting,”

“It’s not, trust me,” Molly mumbled quietly.

“Who says?” Shane quizzed, from the other side of her. Molly swallowed on nothing and glanced up to Shane who’s forehead was a little creased. She didn’t say anything, but took a quick glance to Harry out the side of her eye. She saw it click and dropped her head.

“Her fucking ex,” Harry spat cruelly.

“Harry!” Molly scalded snapping her head to him.

“What it’s true? Somehow managed to convince you your ideas aren’t worth hearing about, must be fucking mad,” Harry bit, sitting up a little straighter and looking down at the floor as he did so.

“So tailoring like suits and stuff?” Katie asked clearly trying to diffuse the tension. It confused Molly and she could work Katie out even less than before. Before she’d just been cold, now she felt cruel and callous.

“Yeah, and she’s fucking amazing at it,” Harry chimed in aggressively.

“I’m talking to Molly,” Katie pointed out, pursing her lips at Harry until he sunk back before turning back to Molly. “Did it have to be menswear?” Katie asked, her voice sickly sweet again as she did so.

“No, but I prefer it personally,” Molly told her plainly, pulling her sketchbook out of her bag to give her more space to see, but holding it close to her just in case Harry got any ideas.

“Well, hopefully we get to see them, and Harry doing his David Gandy bit,” Katie smiled.

“Yeah,” Molly breathed a false laugh, finally reaching in and finding the pack of cigarettes. “I’m going for a cigarette,” Molly announced pulling a single one from the pack and the lighter that was also tucked inside before chucking her sketch book back in. “If anyone…?” She looked around the table but every single one of them shook their heads in response. “Young and stupid I guess,” Molly sighed.

“You calling us old?” Shane asked with a playful smirk.

“Exactly, but wise, so swings and roundabouts,” Molly smirked back, though it fell to nothing as she left the table and headed for the door with her coat and cigarette.  

It was bitterly cold outside, and Molly quickly pulled her coat on before resting the cigarette between her lips. She flicked the lighter  three times before a flame appeared from out of it. The flame was hypnotising, and she stared at it for a few moments before letting it go again and dropping her hands to her side with a sigh, staring up to the night sky and leaning heavier against the cold wall. For a little while she let the cigarette just hang lazily from her lips, but eventually she took it out and tucked it between her fingers. She didn’t want to smoke it, but if the feeling inside her that was making her eyes prickle and her mind reel with things she wanted to say continued much longer, that might change.

“You ok?” Harry spoke up, taking long but slow strides towards her, finding the pockets of his jeans and sliding his hands inside them.  Molly nodded slightly, and offered a faint smile that was barely visible through the dark. “You’re not smoking,” Harry pointed out, nodding towards the unlit cigarette in her hand as he stopped in front of her, hands still in his pockets.

“Don’t actually want it,” Molly laughed, tucking her hand into her own pocket and dropping the cigarette before letting her hand hang by her side once again. It was quiet for a little while, muffled sounds from inside the only noise. Molly didn’t know what to say, and she was scared that if she worked it out she wouldn’t be able to stop and she’d end up talking herself out of something that she’d spent months talking herself into.

“What’s up?” Harry asked, giving into the silence that was anything but comfortable.

“I’m fine,” Molly breathed with another little smile. One that Harry could see straight through, though she hadn’t worked that out yet, no one else seemed to and everyone else in her life had known her a lot longer than Harry. He sighed though, heavily and loudly, bordering between quiet growl and loud sigh, making it very transparent that he could see through her.

“This has got to stop Lol,” Harry started. Molly’s eyes went wide with the sudden change in tone, looking up to him from where she’d sunk against the wall. “Whatever it is that makes you think your thoughts and feelings are worthless,” Harry continued and Molly dropped her gaze quickly beginning to nibble on her bottom lip. “Was it him?” Harry asked quietly, but Molly didn’t answer just rolled her lips together between her teeth harshly so she felt the flesh pop over them and it left a metallic taste on her tongue as she swiped it over the inside of her mouth.  “I’m not gonna belittle you or your ideas or you feelings, it’s valid Lol, you’re valid, and this bullshit stops now, if you’re not fine I wanna know, if I piss you off I wanna know, pretending everything's ‘fine’ all the time isn’t gonna work.” It was right there, on the tip of her tongue, and she couldn’t bite it back and swallow it anymore, so she didn’t.

“He always used to say it was boring, what I did at uni was pointless and unimportant and I was boring when I talked about it, materialistic,” Molly told Harry, staring at the dirty pavement as she did so. It wasn’t something she told anyone, but the conversations she’d had with Ryan stuck in her mind and poisoned her enjoyment of talking about it.

“That’s absolute bullshit,” Harry bit quickly, not even stopping to really think about what Molly had said, just knowing it angered him and reacting as such.

“Maybe, but someone tells you something enough times I guess you start to believe it,” Molly shrugged and looked up at Harry, supposing there was no point trying to hide the tears in her eyes when there was a wobble in her voice as she spoke.

“Well stop, because it’s crap, it’s not boring, it’s not pointless and it’s not unimportant, and you’re certainly none of those things,” Harry implored, reaching forward and taking her face gently in his hands, ensuring she looked in his eyes as he told her the truth. “Lolly, I’m proud of you, I’m proud of what you do and can do, I wish you’d scream about it from the rooftops, you shouldn’t feel embarrassed about something you love.” His voice was quieter then, but the sincerity in his eyes didn’t follow suit.

“You’re proud of me?” Molly asked, her mind still hinged on those words alone.

“Of course,” Harry smiled with a slight chuckle as if the question was a joke. His hands dropped from her face then and he stood up a little straighter, Molly’s eyes following his.

“No one’s ever told me that,” Molly admitted almost silently.

“What?” Harry asked pointendly. Molly didn’t say anything though, just shrugged the way she so often did when she didn’t know what to say next. “No one?” Harry asked to be sure.

“No, not really, parents congratulate me and stuff, but they’ve never actually said they’re proud, and Ryan certainly never did,” Molly told him, loathing talking about him again.

“I think your parents probably are proud, they just don’t think they need to tell you,” Harry suggested, and Molly supposed the same thing. She never doubted they weren’t proud of her as such, they were always happy to hear talking about how well things at uni were going, and what she was up to, how much she enjoyed what she did. Molly guessed there were other ways to say you were proud of someone without actually saying the words.

“Probably.”

“But I will tell you every day if that’s what it takes to make you forget all that crap that arse hole ever told you that makes you feel like anything less than what you are,” Harry promised. Molly smiled happily as her lip turned downwards a little, her tears turning from something bitter to something far, far sweeter as she stared up at Harry and moved into his open arms. Harry pressed a gentle kiss into her hair as she rested her head on his chest and wrapped her arms around him. “And I’ll carry on even after that,” He told her, his words muffled by her hair. “Fuck, I don’t think I’ve ever hated someone I hardly know as much as I hate him,” Harry hissed.

“But you hate people you do know?” Molly asked looking up at him uncomfortably from where she was resting against him.

“One or two, doesn’t everyone?” Harry muttered, releasing Moly from his embrace.

“I don’t think I hate anyone really, no,”  Molly mused, shaking her head as she did.

“Lucky you,”  Harry laughed. Molly’s mind was ticking, from one thing right onto the next, he had said he wanted her to tell her when something wasn’t fine, but she doubted he meant so much so quickly.

“That why you were squaring up that guy on the pitch?” Molly asked quickly.

“Huh?” Harry puzzled, his eyebrows lowering unevenly.

“During the game, if Shane hadn’t pulled you away, you’d have hit that guy from the other team,” Molly told him, but Harry just shook his head as if he wasn’t engaged in conversation with someone who seemed to know him better than he knew himself, and who had seen how he could get with her own eyes.. “You would Harry, you know that and so do I, I’ve seen it enough times now,” She reminded him, and she saw it twist on his face how much he hated that.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Harry grumbled, moving to turn away.

“Don’t I?” Molly asked, calling him back with her question.

“No,” Harry barked, but quickly pulled himself back. Molly wasn’t scared, but she could see in his eyes how riled he was getting. “It was a game of rugby, things get heated all the time on a rugby pitch,” Harry explained quietly, his tone evening a little more.

“Katie seems to think-”

“Katie what? Katie fucking what? What’s she getting involved in this time?”  Harry laughed as if he knew it was coming. Molly moved back to the wall a little more, suddenly feeling stupid for buying into her words so much with the amused look that was on Harry’s face.

“She just said you were gonna get yourself in trouble,” Molly told Harry, holding her own as best she could, despite how much better practiced Harry seemed to be at this kind of thing. Molly had never been good at arguments, she was sure being the youngest sister had taught her just to back down and admit defeat before it became a row, but something with Harry made her want to fight a little harder and she couldn’t back down from it.

“A yellow fucking card, it’s not the end of the world,” Harry told her.

“Yeah as long as it’s on the pitch, but it’s not just on the pitch is it, you’re getting pissed off with me now,” Molly pointed out, and with that Harry snapped his head at her. It wasn’t there, but he told himself he could see fear in her eyes and he stepped back so quickly it was a wonder he didn’t trip over himself. His hands were back in his pockets in seconds and he was shaking his head quickly.

“I’d never touch you, don’t even dare insinuate I would,” Harry promised, and there was an emotion in his voice that was far from anger but just as passionate.

“I never said you would,” Molly told him honestly, because she believed truly that he would never touch her with malice. “I just mean you’re getting angry, and if I was a lad your fists would be curling and you’d be thinking about hitting me,” Molly explained, and Harry knew he couldn’t argue that, because it was true. If anyone else were to rile him the way she was he’d be trying to find something to lay his fists into, but as it was, he was focused solely on Molly and making sure she understood she wasn’t like anyone else when it came to him, “Are you leading me on?” Molly asked, the silence giving way for other thoughts.

“I’m sorry, what the fuck? Where did that come from?” Harry spluttered, his eyebrows knitting together and eyes widening, pure shock registering over him. It didn’t take long to click though.  “Katie again?” Harry eye rolled, and stepped forward gently, as if asking permission, as if he had to. Molly didn’t do anything to rebuke him so he stepped closer, ensuring she could see the green of his eyes as he spoke and the honesty laced into it. “Listen, people, Katie, are gonna say things about me, stuff you’re not gonna want to hear, but you have just got to trust me,” Harry told her.

“Like what? What are people gonna say?” Molly asked.

“That I’m a player, that I fuck girls over, that I’m every girls worst nightmare,” Harry listed, there were other words, worse words, worse accusations, but the ones he chose were enough to give Molly the gist of the things he’d answered to in the past.

“That it?” Molly asked, raising one eyebrow.

“Yes,” Harry promised. The other words didn’t matter. They worked to the same effect, they meant the same thing, they were just more venomous and hateful. “Well, I think so,” Harry chuckled, but Molly shook her head.

“You can’t laugh it off everytime Harry, it’s not a joke,” She warned him. Sure she agreed it was good to move on from arguments and not let them fester into something far greater than they started out being, but she wasn’t about to laugh off every little thing just to save a little awkwardness at a table of friends.

“Everyone’s done stupid shit, and when I was younger yeah I was a dick I’m not gonna lie, but it has been nearly three years since I’ve even spoken to a girl like this, let alone been with someone,” Harry told her, and it wasn’t an over exaggeration, Molly could see that, so she nodded. “This is still new and fresh, so I can’t tell you where it’s going, but I want it to go somewhere, I’m not just after a fuck, I like being with you, and I want to keep doing this,” Harry told her, stepping closer still.

“What about the sex?” Molly asked quietly, and she saw Harry swallow on nothing, his tongue slipping out over his lips to wet them a little.

“What about it?” He asked lowly.

“Well, what, I, do you…” Molly lost her words, not quite sure what to say, not quite sure how to word it.

“We’ll get there when we get there, when we’re ready, if we’re ready, no rush, no pressure,” Harry assured her, and Molly nodded, visibly relaxing. No pressure sounded perfect. No rush sounded good too. They were in for the long haul, and at last Molly found her feet on the bottom, suddenly the deep end didn’t feel quite so deep, or at least not so terrifying.

Progress? No progress? I dunno what do you think?

I hope you like it, please let me know your thoughts and theories cause I LOVE THEM! If you missed the instas for the last five chapters check them out here, you don’t know what clues your missing otherwise.... 

Have a great weekend, lots of love x

[okimargarvez]

THE BRINGING TOGETHER

Original title: Ricomposizione.

Prompt: pre 14x8.

Warning: none.

Genre: romantic, soft, fluff.

Characters: Penelope Garcia, Luke Alvez.

Pairing: Garvez.

Note: oneshot 40 in Garvez collection.

Legend: 💏.

Song mentioned: Stop dimentica, Tiziano Ferro.

GARVEZ STORIES

Note: I’ve written this story before seeing the last episode, based just on two second of the promo. Thanks to my sister of delirium, @theshamelessmanatee, not only for traslating this ff, but also because she is amazing, I love her, though we don’t always agree XD

THE BRINGING TOGETHER

 It happened during Rossi's engagement party. The founder of the BAU had raised his hand

intertwined with Krystal's and showed the ring that she wore on her left hand. Everything had been immediately clear. Joyful cries had filled the room, everyone had raised their glasses and waited for their turn to congratulate the couple.

It had been the first impulse he had felt, and had hardly held back. It had been his first thought. He wanted to share that moment with one single person, no matter how much he loved each of the other people present. He wanted to see her beautiful smile up close and then he wanted to make it his own, became the one responsible of it everyday.

Luke had approached to congratulate Krystal, in his usual, shiny, self-conscious manner. Then he had turned to Rossi, to the man who, more than anyone else, had wanted him to be part of the team, the one he considered as a second father. Rossi, who had insisted when Luke was convinced he wouldn't made a good profiler. Thanks to him he had discovered a new family, he had changed so much, still remaining the same.

He had also found something else, something unexpected, that he had never felt before, not even dared to imagine.

One look that breaks the silence... one look said what I think... one, one look... One

look can during whole day... the departure without ever returning ... one... one look...

He'd followed her all the time with his eyes. Penelope hugged the future bride, and then the two talked for a little while, before being hugged by Rossi. She hadn’t noticed Luke's presence, a few inches away, and that he was waiting for her, shivering in excitement until she was finally free. She almost ended up against his chest. They looked at each other for a second, then he took that extra step, which he had started at least two years ago. He opened his arms and wrapped them around the woman's body.

All that I know, I'll tell you, and everything you can’t say...

And then, in that moment, they understood. They understood that it hadn't been all in their heads, it hadn't been just a fantasy bound to remain unfulfilled. What they felt for each other had been real,

concrete, so palpable it was scary. Indeed, after a few moments, Luke felt her tremble in his arms and even if he looked collected on the outside, it was like there was an earthquake shaking his core.

They both could feel their own emotions, but also what the other was feeling. It was no longer possible to continue in that grey area, of ambiguity, in which every gesture could be interpreted in different ways and never the right one.

And the lie that breaks every silence... and the lie I say, only if I don’t think so, please don’t stop right now, because afterwards you can’t...

They loved each other. It was written in the way Penelope had abandoned herself, literally

abandoned, there is no other term that can explain it better, in the man's arms. In the way Luke had held her close, so much he'd thought he could merge with her, becoming one body, first spiritually and then in the flesh. In the way she had hidden her face in his shoulder, preventing anybody to read the tumult of emotions stirring inside her. And in the way he had lowered himself, wrapping her like a blanket, to protect her from all evil, like he'd wanted to do from the beginning, but never could because of his weakness.

They were so happy they wanted to cry, laugh, shout out to the world. They were alive. They had suffered, felt so much pain that some people could  never even imagine, so much more than what they should have been able to endure. They had suffered, had fallen and had risen. They were together. They would fight again, slowly, day by day, they would give each other strength. From the union of their wills a happiness would be born, as Baudelaire hoped in a poem dedicated to vagrants.

Someone could have said that basically it was a simple hug, between colleagues or, if you

really wanted to exaggerate, friends; but they too wouldn't have believed it. It was not the

individual details that were relevant, but the whole picture. As well as on a crime scene, it had been the sum of the clues to indicate the culprit.

When they tightened the hug there were only the two of them. All the others had disappeared, vanished from the room. They didn’t hear the laughers and the music. All that echoed in their ears was the beating of their hearts, perfectly synchronized, like a dubbing done by professionals. And their breaths. This was their melody, which they would never be tired of listening.

They were wrapped in a dense cloud. Penelope realized that this thing, which she had read and seen in movies and books, could really happen: and suddenly there were just him and her, the rest of the people had gone out of focus, outside the frame, and in the middle there was them. Needless to say, it had never happened with Kevin, Sam and Shane. Needless to say, the same was true of Luke; not even with the sweet Lisa, nice, tough, and beautiful Lisa. This had never happened before, however, even between them. It had not been the classic love at first sight. The first time they had met something had snapped, yes, but nothing comparable to true Love, with a capital L. It took some time between them.

When things seemed to be heading towards the eternal stalemate, when it had seemed they were destined to stay that way, when Lisa'd appeared on the horizon, so good, so perfect that Penelope just couldn’t hate her even if she wanted, even if she had never hated anyone before... in those moments all that waiting had seemed vain. Those that seemed to be irrefutable clues looked like blunders of minds too enamored to be super-parts. Yet, in a moment that felt like a century, with one gesture, everything changed.

Alone, on their own, they wouldn’t have been anything. They had to rearrange their pieces, to recompose something that had been separated centuries ago. Or maybe it wasn't like that, maybe these had been just fantasies invading the minds of thousands of lovers...but it didn't matter.

Penelope pressed her body even closer to his, beyond the humanly possible. That was the hug that she would have given him after every solved case, to celebrate him coming back home, in other words, in her arms, alive and well. It was her confession of love, even if she wasn't the one who took the initiative, but Luke. But she had accepted it, she hadn’t dodged him badly, she hadn’t withdrawn. She'd felt his warmth deep in her bones, despite the layers of her clothes, despite everything. She couldn’t remember where she had placed the glass of sparkling wine. She couldn’t understand how much time had really passed, from the moment she had left Rossi's arms to sink in Luke's, Luke, whose name she still struggled to pronounce even in her own head. Because it was too much, it was unreal, an ideal she had decided to consider unattainable; there was Luke the coworker the Luke "friend", concrete and tangible, but then there was also another Luke, the one she had created in her mind and with she sometimes speaks to at night. This last Luke, she'd rarely met him in real life: one of the few times it had been when he gave her that kitten for her desk when he had been worried about her. It was the Luke who would open the door and help her down or sit down at the table, even after years of engagement.

Luke increased his hold, amazed that she hadn’t tried to escape yet, not only from him but

also from her own feelings, which he now felt vividly, as they had been his own. It hadn't been necessary to hug her: just as he could have avoided stealing the remote before the cases were discussed, helping her down Bradenton's sidewalk by taking her hand, or ignoring those sobs from her office and keep walking away. Or ask her to accompany him to meet Phil or make her believe that Roxy was his girlfriend. None of these things hadn't been really necessary, but everything had an alternative explanation, often simply excused as an answer to her provocations. But he knew the truth, though he'd disowned it, then admitted it, and then denied it again. Even this hug could have been simply explained by the desire of sharing a joyful moment with the family, but why has he hugged her and not Emily, Tara, anyone else? Why almost tear her away from the arms of Rossi, lingering anxiously like a knight waiting for his lady at the royal ball? And why did Rossi give him that pat on the back, even while they were hugging each other? It had seemed like a blessing and maybe there was no other explanation to be found, it was simply like that.

A voice penetrated to their world. -Guys, we are all going at Rossi's, you coming?- they laboriously realized that they were the only ones still present, the others already gone, except for JJ, who was watching them with a strange smile on her face. She and the Italian American had always understood everything, even before them. There wasn’t only malice, there wasn’t only frustration in her eyes. Hiding her face between the shoulders and the man's chest, Penelope turned to look at her friend; Luke merely raised his head a few inches and realized that he had kept his eyes closed until that moment. -I guess you will drive there together.- JJ added, before disappearing behind the door. They understood then that they had hugged for an infinite time, immense and in spite of that, it wasn’t at all easy to break away. Separate again.

They had been for too long, separated. So far away even when they were close.

They had chased that moment for too long. She had been the protagonist and he'd always been the spectator. He had seen her hugging every other member of the unit, but especially Spencer. He remembered those moments as if they had been filmed in his mind, there was only one frame left. He remembered the senseless envy he had felt, the immense desire to take the place of that lucky person. He had never hugged anyone of the team, anyone who wasn’t in an extreme situation of mourning, very few people, including his best friend and his ex-girlfriend. He had never been expansive or perhaps, just maybe, he hadn’t yet found the right person to be so comfortable with. And neither of them could forget how much, and how many times, they had come close to this, how many missed opportunities, how many regrets, how many doubts. Because basically the root of the problem had always been that. It was just a hug. It wasn't a kiss. Nothing special. She was the self-proclaimed queen of hugs, and it took him three years to get one.

To understand what he could feel in those arms. That he could really feel the lack of something you never had in those arms. And that was, yes, just a hug, but at the same time it wasn’t, it was more. It was even more important than their first fateful kiss. One could apologize for a kiss. No one had ever apologized for a hug.

One story as big as the world, one long story all day, one... one story...

Later that same evening, in Rossi's mansion, they would look glued together, they would find any way to remain united, even just by holding hands or their feet touching under the

table. They would have danced all night, tight in another kind of hug, more aware of the other's body, of how crazily their bodies seemed to complete, match, fit perfectly. Re-integrate into one. A lie of one word is your most fascinating story... one... your story...

Luke would have told her about Lisa, he would have told her that as much as he had loved her, it just hadn't work between them, that after what happened to Phil, they couldn’t move on. He would tell her the truth, and she would forgive him for lying for a while; together they would be able to find out the reasons behind his behavior. She would tell him about the kidnapping, the feeling of those bounds on her wrists,  about her sense of guilt for having helped the bad guys, about her lack of hesitation to drive Meadows over to save Reid, and something else she hadn’t confessed to anyone yet , not even her psychologist. And he would cry for her, because she had no more tears to shed for that. Their wounds would be treated by the other, patiently, one being the shield, the other the shoulder to cry on; she would have mended the scratches on his hands hidden inside layers of bandages and he would have kissed her bruises every night, invisible to the naked eye.

They would have made love at the same time slowly and voraciously, devouring contradictions, no way to stop that moment. for once they would have been really selfish, they would have been careless, because it is useless to save the world if you can’t save yourself first. no shame or fear, because after all it was just them, they had known each other for three years, which was too much and too little at the same time. They knew the other enough, still, there were so many things that had to be said. Like some magic words, certain phrases that can change their life.

All this would happen, and it would be great, but at that moment they lingered for a few second giving the last caresses, really living in the moment, and that's it.

After all, there isn't just one way to say I love you

TAGS: @theshamelessmanatee​  @arses21434 @kathy5654 @martinab26 @reidskitty13 @jenf42 @gracieeelizabeth27 @silviajajaja @smalliemichelle99 @charchampagne14 @thinitta   @myhollyhanna23 @garvezz @mercedes-maldonado

[sp00kybrit]

prtctr: demon!shane fic

[Chapter 1]

“Ryan, that sounds like the wind! How can you not hear that?”

“You’re so quick to debunk, I bet you didn’t even listen to it!”

To avoid more bickering, Shane rolled his eyes and with a huff put on his headphones giving the “sound” another listen. This was not some of the most “credible” “evidence” that Ryan had ever posed to him. It was obvious that there was some interference, of what he was not certain. Shane shrugged and gave a bemused expression.

“Every time you do that, I take it as a win,” Ryan replied full of pride.

Shane gave a small chuckle, letting his friend have this one. Sometimes it was fun to play along with Ryan as he chased whatever “monster” it was that week. Fortunately for Ryan, he had no idea what horrors lurk in the darkness -- and how they can mask themselves as your best friend.

“Let’s go back inside and explore the second floor, I heard there’s some good activity up there.”

For a moment Shane had gotten lost in his thoughts, he mentally shook himself like an old school etch-a-sketch. With a clear head, he was ready to follow Ryan into whatever darkness he dragged them into.

“Right behind you!” Shane called back, adding some enthusiasm.

The duo walked upstairs and were met with a long, dark, forsaken hallway that could make most horror movie sets look like playgrounds. With doors on either side, it reminded Shane of a typical chase scene from Scooby-Doo. He chuckled at this thought, which startled Ryan who jumped in front of him.

“Dude, don’t do that!” He spoke between breaths. “This is the worst time to be giggling like a kid.” Ryan’s camera shone brightly in his face and Shane instinctively moved his arm to block his eyes. This was not the first time this would happen, and it certainly wouldn’t be the last. “Roger that. No more giggles.” Ryan pointed his camera at the floor which now lit up the area between them. “Let’s just keep moving, there’s a lot of ground to cover here.”

Ryan began to tell the story of a family that met an unfortunate end at the hands of a crazed ax murderer. The police never caught the perpetrator and there have been several theories as to who it could have possibly committed the act. After reading off a lengthy list of characters, each with their own incriminating backgrounds, Ryan concluded with his own theory.

“I’m just saying, it’s totally possible that it could have been the Men in Black. The family had some shady history of their own. You never know who they were involved with.”

“So you’re saying. . . That Will Smith showed up to this families house. . . and murdered them?”

Ryan let out a wheeze of a laugh. Even he had to admit it sounded crazy, but it all made sense in the grand scheme of things. Shane joined him in laughing, Ryan believed in such wild theories that it was comical.

“I’m just imagining Will Smith, [wheeze], breaking in. . .wait what year was this?”

“It was 1923,” Ryan replied between spurts of laughter.

“Oh, even better! So roaring 20’s era Will Smith breaks in and. . .”

A sharp, high pitched metallic noise pierced the air and stopped the duo in their tracks. Ryan’s expression was that of absolute terror. “What the hell was that?!” he yelled, waving his camera around him. They were still in the middle of the hallway, so it was a guess as to where it could’ve come from. Shane laughed lightly, these kinds of situations happened often. When they did, he was there to add some comedic relief and to possibly prevent Ryan from scaring himself half to death.

“Maybe it was Will Smith?”

“Dude, this is not the time! That was really freaky.”

“It was probably just an animal scurrying in the vents, or maybe a noise outside.”

“We’re in the middle of nowhere, dude!”

“Fine, let’s go, I’ll show you it was nothing. Maybe we’ll even find the cute little animals making the noise too.”

Shane walked past Ryan and started to investigate. He prided himself on debunking these little noises that frightened his friend so much. Ryan caught up to Shane just as he entered the first room through a door on the right side of the hallway.

“I almost couldn’t catch up, you walk two steps and you’re there!” Ryan joked in an attempt to ease himself. “I would laugh at that, but you told me no more giggling,” Shane replied wittily. This caused Ryan to roll his eyes with annoyance, but a grin reached his lips. “Let’s see what’s here.”

Their lights shone around the room, illuminating parts of the past. Wallpaper covered most of the walls, some was torn off or in the process of detaching itself. A once ornate desk sat in the middle of the room, papers scattered amongst the top. It was clear this room had not seen life in quite some time.

“That’s a creepy picture,” Ryan said, pointing to one framed piece hung in the center of the far wall. It was an old painting depicting a war. “Huh, nothing more inviting than an illustration of war and death,” Shane spoke. The lanky man moved throughout the room, still hot on the pursuit of that strange sound. After searching high and low, the two moved to the room across the hall.

“Are we going to check every room? There’s gotta be like. .100 doors in this one hall alone.” Shane spoke hyperbolically, he didn’t mind looking, however, it was simply quite tedious.

“I just want to know what that noise was, that’s all.”

“Then I think we’ll cover more ground if we split up.”

“Oh no, none of that Scooby-Doo shit. It never works for them, why would it work here?” Ryan retorted.

Shane couldn’t help but laugh out loud. Ryan never liked being alone in places like this and sometimes Shane couldn’t blame him. These places gave off a major “creep factor”, but it was his job to be skeptical. Skeptics didn’t get creeped out or scared because they know there’s some scientific reason behind everything. Or maybe being an actual demon alludes to that reason as well.

“You’ll be fine, I’ll just be in next room over.”

Shane left before Ryan could continue his protest. He knew he had to find something to explain the noise. Anything that would prevent Ryan from blindly approaching something supernatural. The room he walked into was blasé, it was the typical “scary, dated looking room” in almost any horror movie. Shane made a displeased huffing noise as he scanned around in a lazy attempt at a search. His eyes landed on the corner of the room farthest from him; his camera light illuminated the area and he was met with a dark figure. He was certain it was not his own shadow even though the dimensions matched up perfectly. The figure turned around, suddenly filling out its features. The figure took shape of what appeared to be an older gentleman. While this would scare practically anyone else, it was not unusual for Shane to meet another of his kind. Shane broke the silence with the goal of sending this demon off.

“Alright, buddy. I’m going to give you the quick low-down. . .”

The older gentleman guffawed, cutting off the beginning of Shane’s speech. The man opposite of Shane rubbed his belly in a way that reminded Shane of a TV show Santa Clause. However, the eyes that met Shane’s were dark and hollow. Okay, Shane game face. .Let’s be serious now, he thought to himself.

“Was something I said funny? I don’t remember dropping a punch-line.” Shane edged on taunting as situations like this grew more accustomed. “Watch your mouth, boy. Yer speaking to an elder.” The old man's speech was more of a growl than anything else. Instead of a quick comeback, Shane decided rather on dropping his point and then closing out this conversation.

“Okay then old-timer, what I need you to do is bippity-boppity-back the fuck up to wherever you came from.”

The man was furious at this commandment, but even more so since it was derived from Shane. He jolted himself forward, arms forward ready to strike. Before the man could even come close to bridging the gap between the two of them, Shane raised his hand up and muttered a few words. He watched as the old figure dissipated with ease. Shane ran his hand through his hair as he berated himself silently for not doing that from the beginning. These encounters with others like him were getting slowly more serious. It wasn’t just the sight of his dark being that scared others away anymore. He was having to fight them more often now. He was thankful most of them were on verbal playing fields instead of physical ones.

“Dude, did you find anything? The other room’s clear.”

Ryan’s voice dragged Shane out of his thoughts and back into reality. The shorter man was staring up at Shane with a half-smile0 draped across his face. Ryan made Shane feel more human, he felt like he could be comfortable around him. He felt like he could be himself, even if that self-was a demon.

“Uh, yeah I think there’s a cat living here,” he pointed to a group of boxes and newspaper that littered a corner of the room, “that must be what we were hearing. It must’ve gotten into something it shouldn’t.” Shane added a shrug to end the sentence off.

“A cat. . .”

“Yup.”

“You’re something else, Shane Madej.”

Ryan laughed, turned on his heel, and left the room. Shane watched as his friend’s flashlight bounced along the wall in the hallway, distance growing between them. Ryan had completely disappeared from his view.

“Hey! I think I found something!” Ryan’s voice reverberated through the hall and into his room.

For your sake, bud, I hope not.

“Alright, I’m on my way!”

As he left the room, Shane felt a pressure building in his chest. A tension that he was only able to attribute to one factor. It was getting increasingly more difficult to protect Ryan.

[irondevilpunisher]

My Punisher Review

*No Spoilers*

This is the series I’ve waited years for, ever since the 2003 film starring Thomas Jane (which I still love btw). I don’t know what it is about the Punisher’s story of a broken man out for revenge that has me so entranced, because lets face it this isn’t an original plot. Its been done many times; example Death Wish. I guess it has a lot to do with how its executed that keeps the Punisher fresh and interesting just like its titular antihero. Plus I’m a sucker for antiheroes and people just can’t get enough of this guy. So did the series do this iconic MCU character justice? Yes it did and more. However there are some issues I had with the series that I will get into but first let me talk about the highlights.

 Let me start off by talking about the acting powerhouse that is Jon Bernthal. For me he stole the show in DD2 so I didn’t expect anything less in his own standalone series. And believe me he absolutely kills it in this. He kicked ass. In my opinion Frank Castle is Jon Bernthal’s baby now and forever; he embodies that character like no other. I’ve loved Jon’s work since his Walking Dead days (despite my loathing for Shane’s character). When I heard he got cast as the Punisher for Daredevil’s 2nd season I thought “hah, I wanna see what this guys’s got” sure enough Jon blew me away with his outstanding performances and won me over indefinitely. I just did not expect to fall even more in love with this character under Jon Bernthal when I had Shane still lodged in my mind. That said entering DD2, Shane was nowhere in sight. 

He definitely had quite the load to work with but Jon seamlessly brings a near perfect blend of vulnerability, humanity and lethal infusion. What he did with the Punisher in Daredevil’s 2nd run, he takes it to the next level in the spinoff series. The layers and complexities he gives Castle are nothing short of brilliant. One minute he can make you laugh, then scared, then break your heart which isn’t an easily accomplished feat at all considering how brutal Frank can be. You wouldn’t think it watching how violently Castle exacts his own brand of justice but Jon’s portrayal for the most part comes across as oddly endearing, sympathetic, charming and even relatable. Frank is such a tortured and tragic individual. He’s just likable even when he’s not trying to be. He was a family man, a marine and a patriot to his country. Frank had problems in his marriage yet was completely in love with his wife. Struggled with ptsd which is why he had issues connecting with his family and maintaining other relationships. And he’s incredibly selfless. Frank’s torn love for his fellow soldiers and his family is actually bittersweet and very human.  

There is no one more deserving of their own series than Frank Castle. And Jon hit a grand slam with this one.

Moving onto the second highlight of the Punisher series, David Lieberman aka Micro aka Frank’s new geeky buddy/partner in crime. This guy was freaking awesome! I mean seriously I loved this character right out of the gate. He stole all his scenes. And the best part about Micro is he wasn’t just there to be the comic relief or the techy sidekick, he really humanizes the Punisher. Brings out a lighter more laid back side to Frank’s persona. The two characters just play off each other so well, Bernthal and Ebon Moss-Bachrach have such a natural instant onscreen chemistry, its actually touching. I could watch their scenes all day. I really enjoyed following and witnessing the connection between these two men deepen as they worked together throughout the series. Their relationship is without a doubt the core of this show. And Moss-Bachrach made me feel so much for Micro’s character in terms of his isolation and alienation from his family. I couldn’t imagine anyone else playing opposite to Jon’s respective Punisher. Micro is literally the best friend Castle could’ve asked for, totally has his back 100%. Such a welcoming addition to the Punisher’s brutal world. 

Frank really needed this guy to keep him balanced. Polar opposites yet they have so much in common at the same time. Its like watching the Die Hard version of the Odd Couple only better. I don’t know what’s in store for Micro next season but (not to spoil you) I just have a terrible feeling he may suffer the same fate as Frank judging by how his seasonal arc ended. I sincerely hope not but if we go by what happens in the comics you know that the Punisher/Micro are a package deal. They’re in it together all the way. 

 Other highlights include Ben Barnes as the show’s villain Billy Russo aka Jigsaw/former best friend of Frank Castle. Holy crap this guy was scary as he was sexy. The interesting theme I found in this series was human nature and how sometimes it can be catastrophic. While Frank is so open about his grief and rage. Russo is the opposite, he’s the calm before the storm. His rage is more on the inside which makes him all the more dangerous and a worthy adversary to Castle. Strangely enough I really liked this character. He doesn’t set out to be evil just doing what he feels is right. Russo harbors so much pain and anger, dealt a lousy hand in life. And Barnes kicks a hell of a lot of ass in this role. I even enjoyed his complicated romance with Dinah Madani. They had nice chemistry together and quite a few steamy scenes that were pretty ship worthy which makes their inevitable conflict that much more heart-wrenching. Although I wasn’t entirely fond of Madani in the beginning and found her many times naive when it came to Russo, Amber Rose Revah did play the part best to her ability. She also had a fascinating cat/mouse thing going on with Frank Castle and I loved her dynamic with fellow agent Sam Stein. 

Most of the supporting characters are good and compliment the show’s lead very well. The flashbacks and dreams of Frank with Maria were bittersweet and heartbreaking as they were essential. In a way Maria acts as Frank’s guardian angel and conscience. Flawless chemistry between these actors. It hurt knowing Maria and the kids were dead yet I kept wishing they weren’t every time Frank had a moment with them. I have to commend the casting decisions for the Punisher people because they really wanted actors who gelled in the limited time they had. And fortunately they did. Jon does some fantastic work involving the Frank and Maria Castle stuff, particularly in the last couple episodes of the series. 

Sarah Lieberman is a doll. I absolutely loved her character and her interaction with both Frank Castle and her husband Micro. Jaime Ray Newman is gorgeous, talented and so underrated as an actress. She’s strong as she is vulnerable and sweet. She really brought out a softer and much kinder side of Frank that was needed to keep his character grounded enough so that the Punisher wasn’t just strictly about murdering people. In fact her chemistry with Bernthal and Moss-Bachrach was an accidental surprise and really had me torn because after watching this series I proudly ship the hell out of them both. The unexpected connection that Frank develops with the Lieberman family is some of the most powerful bits of storytelling. This broken man who’d lost his own family he  in turn gains another and its some of the most simple yet entertaining parts about this show. I just really enjoyed Frank’s interaction with Sarah and the kids. And I’m looking forward to where the writers take them next season, hopefully its in a good place. 

Karen Page, it was so nice seeing her again after Defenders. DAW is just stunning as she is awesome as this character. She wasn’t in the Punisher that much but I will say this show gave her a hell of a lot more story time than Defenders did. I really looked forward to watching Karen extend her reporting ventures and learning how she’d been dealing with the aftermath of Matt Murdock/Daredevil’s supposed death. Suffice for me to say this girl was hurting badly. Though [minor spoiler] Matt nor Foggy’s names escaped her lips even once on the Punisher, the way DAW played it so subtly internal made me think they were on her mind the entire time she was onscreen. Karen was definitely wearing masks while she was in Frank’s presence. Hiding from him and herself as much as she was using work to escape her pain. And that obvious grief only provoked a more reckless side in Karen to say the least. I won’t say what that was of course being that this review is supposed to be spoiler free. 

The one thing I will touch on about Karen’s appearance that I didn’t enjoy would have to be the plot she was given in the Punisher. Which brings me to my low-lights of the series.

The Kastle stuff was fantastic in DD2 I loved their scenes and their dialogue in that season of Daredevil. Both Bernthal and DAW managed to create an interesting dynamic between Frank and Karen, a unique bond, mutual respect and understanding. And I thought that relationship would’ve translated beautifully in the spinoff as it’d done on DD. However in my humble opinion it did not. I just didn’t feel the connection between these two characters was genuine  as it had been in DD2. While some stuff was touching [like the hug between Karen and Frank at her apartment] there were parts about their interaction that had me rolling my eyes. I’m talking cringe-worthy moments [like Frank’s little “she’s family” outburst with Micro and the elevator]. It just felt so out of place especially when Karen’s name did not come up on Frank’s radar when she wasn’t in episodes. There were times it seemed as if I were watching a soapy Kastle fanfic instead of the EPIC story of Frank Castle/The Punisher. 

Don’t even get me started on the fact that Karen’s role in this series was minuscule or that the B-plot she was involved in was horribly predictable, badly written and unimaginative. Far as I’m concerned the whole Lewis Wilson arc was the weakest part about the Punisher. It only served to give Karen’s character an excuse to stick around longer and to satisfy the dreams of a certain section in this fandom. I understand very well why Karen was used instead of Claire Temple to bridge Punisher with Daredevil; she developed a bond with him. It only made sense for the writers to use her for that purpose. But for me this is what slowed the series down. And as much as I love Karen and seeing her developed further this show did nothing for her. We didn’t get any insight into where her head was at after Defenders which is what the Punisher really needed to keep all these Netflix MCU worlds connected. She doesn’t really share any personal or meaningful conversations with Frank as she’d done previously. So because of that, Karen Page’s addition into the Punisher felt disjointed and awkward. 

The veterans/gun-control plot part of the Lewis arc really wasn’t needed. It worked for an episode after that this part of the plot took me out of Frank Castle’s story. Hopefully next time the Punisher writers will stay focused on the main storyline they’re telling and less on the preachy bits about today’s society.  

Overall this was a really strong start for a freshman series. Its flawed and far from perfect but still badass and entertaining. The action/fight sequences and stunts were gritty and excellently choreographed. There’s plenty of guts and gore in this show so if you have a weak stomach you might want to avoid the Punisher. And the bodycount is fairly high, it wouldn’t be the Punisher if it wasn’t. The pacing is decent. The writing in most of the episodes was modest, most notably in the last 3 episodes. Its definitely one of my top favorite Netflix MCU shows. I sat on the edge of my seat from the start to the end. So much potential for better seasons to come but all and all I finished this show feeling very satisfied and wanting more. 

A worthy addition to the netflix MCU. Oh and that freaking intro man it has to be my favorite by far!

 Final thoughts go to my fellow Karedevil shippers:

I know its been a rocky road for all of us after DD2 and Defenders. Some of you have chosen to abandon ship while others are only slowly losing faith in the DD writers. It might seem hopeless right now but as I said in my Karedevil post  Karen Page’s path is still pointed towards Matt Murdock’s. Her state of suffering in the Punisher only clarifies how much Karen still loves Matt. Her fears and concerns for Frank’s well-being came from a place of her own personal loss. She did not want to lose another person she cares about just as she felt she’s lost Matt, I strongly believe this.

Its not over between them its only the beginning. Besides no one ever said the road to true love would be easy. So hang in there guys DD3 ‘Born Again’ is coming and I anticipate great things. Charlie believes in Karedevil and knows they’re meant to be just as we do. The only thing the Punisher writers did for Frank and Karen was give their fans a few tasty snaps and closure, kinda like what DD2 and Defenders did for Mattelektra fans. There is still plenty of hope left for Matt and Karen now that she knows his secret and that they remain part of each other’s lives. Until then we carry on chilled. 

Now here’s a lovely Charlie gif for you all.

[shemerelywrites]

Animal In Me

“Don’t worry, you won’t feel anything soon enough!” I said deviously through my amused smile. The shiny knife in my hand was raised above my head, the pointed end directed at the blonde haired boy lying on the floor below me. He was controlling every action I made and I felt like I was drowning. I tried to pull back into reality and stop my body from the action it was about to take but it’s like trying to pull yourself out from underneath the water when someone is holding you under.

The shiny knife in my hand was raised above my head, the pointed end directed at the blonde haired boy lying on the floor below me. He was controlling every action I made and I felt like I was drowning. I tried to pull back into reality and stop my body from the action it was about to take but it’s like trying to pull yourself out from underneath the water when someone is holding you under.

I plunged my hand down into the boy’s chest. Bloody murder screams exploded from him but I quickly covered his mouth before anyone beyond the room could hear. The boy’s eyes almost popped out of his blonde covered head as red blood poured out of his body and onto the hard, wooden stage under him. A lump grew in my throat as the fruity smell assaulted the sensory cells in my nasal cavity. I’m not sure why the sticky wet red substance smelt like pineapple, maybe that’s what he wants it to smell like. I raised my head to the ceiling and just like an unreal creature let out a pain ridden howl. I felt like an animal that just feasted on its’ prey but I knew that the boy was not my feast to have.

I looked down, my fighting knife was lying on the hardwood floor of the schools’ theater. The light suddenly flashed off almost like someone flipped the switch, it gave me a few moments of complete darkness. This is what it’s like when he takes over, complete darkness in my mind. I could hear a laugh from afar echoing off the walls of my head and the boys’ quick breaths from the floor. I knew the wound meant death for the kid, I couldn’t help but feel sorry for him knowing that he had to deal with me. I told him at the beginning it was a bad idea, that I wasn’t the type of person he should be around. This whole thing was playing out like a movie and I was just a viewer who spent money to see it.

The voices started speaking to me when I was little, they were only there to give me company, someone to talk to. To my parents they were just imaginary friends, I mean what six-year-old doesn’t have them but then Shane showed up and things went from bad to worse. I consider myself sane, crazy I know, but I can admit that I’m in insane which makes me sane if you think about it. No one would believe

I consider myself sane, crazy I know, but I can admit that I’m in insane which makes me sane if you think about it. No one would believe that though, I mean even one of the voices doesn’t believe me.

I’m not sure how long the lights were out for but by the time they came back on, the blonde boy was gone and I was more or less in control of my own body. Shane’s the reason all of this is happening, he’s the voice that likes to watch people’s blood ooze out from their bodies, to watch the life drain from their eyes; Shane makes me sane.

“Eeelijjjjah” I heard his voice say.

Speak of the devil, he always seems to show up when I think about it. When I was younger I tried to shake it off, tried to make the voice go away but he never did and now I’m stuck with him. I don’t know why I even try, I know he’ll get angry and when he does it won’t be pretty.

“Aw, that hurt Elijah! What, not happy to see me?” I rolled my eyes then jumped down to the floor in front of the first row of chairs. My fighting knife was now in one of the red stage chairs. I wrapped my hand around the butt of the knife and pulled it out with ease. The thing I loved about this knife was the fact it was strong and powerful but weak when needed to be.

“I would be happy to put my head in a blender”. I responded back. For so many years I wished that Shane would be gone from my head. I wished that I no longer heard his annoying know-it-all voice telling me to do crap and controlling me.

“Who ate your bowl of sunshine this morning?”

“Your mom!”

“Oh ha ha ha! Was that meant to be offensive? Cause you know it wasn’t.”

“God where is your off button?”  

I knew it would make him angry, I knew something bad would happen now and just like a silent agreement a female scream came from the darkened doorway. I had no time to think as my feet carried themselves to the sound.

“You and I both know you would miss me if I went away.”

“How can I miss you, if you won’t go away Shane?” I asked as I went into the dark hallway. I couldn’t really see anything but it defiantly reeked of a tangy scent.  

“Quickly now, you don’t want anyone to get away and tell the police it was you, now do you?” The voice asked in a sarcastic tone.

He wanted me to get caught, wanted everyone to believe that I was crazy. He wanted me to believe that I was crazy but I knew the truth.  It had been a few minutes since the boy had ran out of the room and with his wound, I’m sure his body was somewhere in this building stretched out while the blood poured out onto the cold hard floor. I began to walk down the dark hallway, the lights blinked in and out making the scene look like a still shot movie. Bloody hand prints of all sizes covered the white walls and the blue lockers of the school, the aroma of metallic blood punched my sense of smell. There was a body lying on the floor just to my left up against a set of lockers. It was impossible for her to be alive, not with the slash across her throat and her blood covering the floor beneath her making her dark hair sticky. I stood over her, shocked at the scene that smacked my optic nerves.

“You are freaked out seeing all you did?” Shane questioned as I walked farther down the hall.

I had no idea of even how I got here let alone what happened. The last thing I remembered was eating the leftover pizza for dinner last night. Of course, that’s how it always is whenever Shane wants to pop by. I want him gone, not the temporary gone the medication gives me, but for good.

“Oh, Elijah…. You don’t want to get rid of me. I can hurt you.” Shane growled in my head. “I could have him run into a wall… no it would only knock us out, maybe I could push the knife into his stomach…. No he could live with a scar.” He went on and on until he came to one “Oh I know I’ll have you plunge that knife into your sister!” His words ran through my head but it was like I jumped into ice water when the words of my sister were understood.

“You leave her out of this; this is between you and me. It has always been that way and it always will.” I pushed the words though my brain.

“Careful Elijah, someone will hear you and think you’re crazy.”

“Everyone already thinks I’m insane Shane, I have your voice running through my thoughts.”

“Oh wait….I’ll have her kill you. Oh what fun that’ll be.”

I could imagine the devilish smile on his face as he spoke those words to me then a thought went through mine. If he gets me killed then he’s dead too and since I’m pretty sure he doesn’t want to end up 6 feet under I doubt he’ll do anything. The thought made me crack a wicked smile and laugh.

“I’m about ready to kill you… and your laughing, WOW you are messed up!” Shane said.

“I’m not laughing because you’re going to kill me. I’m laughing because I know you won’t, if you do then you’re dead too.”

“Tisk tisk tisk, Elijah thinks he’s actually smart.” The voice stated with a laugh “You think you know my plan? Please Elijah. You will never know my plan.”

I stopped laughing and my smile dropped.

“You actually think you foiled my plans! Aw that’s adorable…..Do you really think I’m that stupid?” His voice turned to a sour tone.  

I remember the first time I pissed him off. It was my eleventh birthday and the first time I did something horrible. I don’t remember what he wanted me to do but I remember when I told him no, it got scary…

“Yeah and what happened…oh right, you hurt your dear, poor little sister. Fun day wasn’t it?”

“Shut up Shane!” I told him with my jaw clenched. “And get the FUCK out of my head!”

Shane gasps and giggled like a little girl “Now it’s getting fun, tell me Elijah, why do always have to be so serious?”

I remember waking up in a hospital a few days later but nothing was the same. The rest of my childhood was spent in a mental ward having pills get shoved down my throat, eating moldy sandwiches and expired milk. I think the thing I’ll always remember from that place was the smell of death and mold.

I looked into the window of the classroom. Enough light was coming through the room that I saw Mr. Windling lying face first on his desk with the red substance covering his students papers. I don’t think those kids are getting those back, if they’re still alive. I saw a reflection of myself in the window with my red t-shirt ripped at the shoulder and my dark hair disheveled, I could feel my jeans wet up to my ankles and in a few other places as well in what most likely was blood.

My entire body goes paralyzed in shock when my gaze reaches the reflection of my eyes. No longer are they brown but before I could get a clear look my foot suddenly slips on something and turns outwards, before I can brace myself, my world is circling around me as things jab into my side. I’m hurdling forward with no end in sight. I finally stop after what felt like an eternity, I’m on my back with my eyes closed, pain radiating all over. I think I broke a rib, maybe even two. I can’t breathe and I pray to anyone that I’ll pass out but just as the black dots clouded my vision a voice came from the top of the stairs…

“What…the….actual….FUCK?” I wheezed as I felt a foot connect to my side.

“Oh poor little Elijah, bit overdramatic, aren’t we?

“Shane?”

“The one and only!” He spoke

“But how?”

“It’s a long boring story filled with a lot more boring crap.”

“How did you….”

“Become human?” Shane cut me off “Well if I must. You see the day I showed up in your little innocent mind was the day I died. An angel was taking me to hell when I pulled one of its feathers out. Little did I know that angel was the angel of insanity. She got pissed at me and shoved me in your head, I was supposed to keep you company but hell where was the fun in that.”

“What did I do to have you shoved in my head?” I asked

“Something to do with you killing the angel later in life.” Shane said waving his hand in the air as though it meant nothing.

“What?”

“It doesn’t matter. I was supposed to drive you insane but I never listened to anyone tell me what to do when I was alive, ain’t going to do it now.”

“So what are you going to do?”

“I figured I would torture you a bit and then cause some chaos.” Shane said as he jumped down the stairs towards me.

Small drops of blood hit the glossy floor as I tried to pull myself up. My shoulder had been knocked out of place and now my arm dangled on my side. I could feel the bruise starting to form on my side and black dots clouded my vision. I could barely stand, a crimson liquid made wet trails down my face.

“Sorry bout the fall, that wasn’t in any of my plans.” The deep voice said. “That pile of blood was in the right place at the right time.”

I stumbled trying to stand but finally ending up falling a few feet back from Shane up against the wall. I was trapped, like a rabbit in a cage. The feeling of bile rose into my throat as the blood flowing from my head entered into my mouth.  Then the man knelt down, scooped up some blood and licked his hand “I love the taste of blood, that nice coppery taste, oh you can only imagine the pleasure I take tasting your blood while it seeps from your body, it’s so deliciously evil.”

I looked on with horror, believing that my time had come, I mean there was no way I would be able to escape from someone so evil, someone that had been inside my head and knew all about me.

“You won’t kill me Shane!”

“Look at me Elijah, look how easy it was for me to kill all these people.” He said “Do you even know how easy it will be of me to kill you? To shove a knife into your chest, To watch the rest of your blood pour out of your body?

“Why do you even what to kill me? If this angle of insanity wants me dead, why can’t she just do it?”

“He.”

“What?”

“The Angel of insanity is male and I want you dead because I am the angel of insanity! My tactics are usually more tasteful but you were so much harder to break. I would say that I’m sorry but I’m really not.”

Shane had lowered himself to my level while speaking to me and I saw my chance if only I could reach my knife without him noticing.

“You know, I heard it’s fun in hell. You can do whatever you want there. Maybe that’s why Satan fell. He wanted to have fun but God wouldn’t let him.” Shane went on speaking without noticing my hand reach around the butt of the knife. I grabbed it and quickly slammed it into the side of his neck but when I blinked the knife wasn’t there, Shane wasn’t there, I wasn’t in school.

My hands and legs were strapped to a bed in a white room. My head was beyond killing me and I felt like I was going to throw up. Just then a man in a white coat came into the room.

“How are we doing today Elijah?”

“Where am I?”

“You’re in Huntsville psychiatrists.”

“How long?”

“You’ve been here for 6 years Elijah. You know this, we go over this every day.”

“Why am I here?”

“You know why you’re here Elijah.” The man said, “Here are your meds.”

“Why am I here?” I repeated, “Why am I strapped down?”

“Elijah, you’re here because 6 years ago you killed your sister and blamed it on a voice in your head who you named Shane. That is why you are here.”

[clyshnasfavoritehello-blog]

BOOK 1

Book Title: Crazy for You by Jennifer Crusie                                       February 22, 2017

Part 1:

A. Reflect- Quinn McKenzie has always lived what she calls a “beige” life. She’s dating the world’s nicest guy, she has a good job as a high school art teacher and she’s surrounded by family and friends who loves her. I was amazed by how she got her life so nice and how she managed to hold everything precisely in order. But everything changed as she decided to change her life. What upsets me most was because it all started by adopting a stray dog. Everything begins to spiral out of control. I guess it’s such a nasty thing to do—changed everything and she did neglect a two-year relationship just for a dog and I pity Bill so much for that. But as I started to figure out why Quinn did such thing, I think it’s the best thing she’d done. At least it freed her mind and herself from being unable to do what she wants to do and have—unlike when she’s still with Bill where her actions were limited and she couldn’t just get the things that she want because Bill is acting too superior on everything, including Quinn’s personal decisions.

B. Connect- Crazy for you is a book about obsession and freedom, which happens in reality. As soon as I’ve read the quote above, it reminds me of all the things and dreams I have with me and the reason why I’m here—reading books, complying such requirements and gathering my ideas.

Few years ago, like Bill, I began believing and soaring high to fulfill my dreams and I achieved some of it already. A lot of difficulties came along my way, I met few people who were meant to test my patience and determination. Few of them also helped me realize everything and even encourage me to dream big and that nothing is impossible.

Reading this book amazes me a lot. At first, I find it real-boring and such a waste of time and my mind is pinned to the thought and idea that the story is nonsense at all. Imagine yourself writing a story where the world of the female character goes round for the life of a stray dog. It make sense to me that Quinn is such a loving and a kind-hearted person, of course. I know that I’ll do the same thing that she’d done—keeping the dog and giving him/her a shelter but I couldn’t imagine myself neglecting the person I love just for a stray dog—and that was my mistake. I misjudged Quinn then.

One scene that leaves a mark in my mind and awakens my senses was when Bill maltreated the dog—whose name is Katie. Bill and Quinn argued ‘coz of the fact that it’s only Bill’s wants and needs that she’s always after to and it hit me right there and then.

In my 18 years of existence, I’ve met a lot of people who were really hard to deal with. I always end up following them, not because I’m afraid to lose them (well, partly yes) but because I’m not that kind of person who loves to argue and I always end up being aggravated. That became my habit—not until I finished this novel. I realized that sometimes, it’s much better to follow what your heart is really beating for and that saying NO is not a bad thing—in fact, it’s the best that you can do for yourself to be happy because at first, happiness starts within yourself and you should not depend your happiness to others.

C. Question- At the beginning of the story, I find it so dull and it really puzzled and confused me a lot on the fact that how could a stray dog be the reason why a two-year relationship is ruined? I mean, I don’t get it why it has to be complicated and if it’s me on the position and situation of Quinn, I wouldn’t change and end everything just for a dog—people will find it funny. Why would she prefer their relationship to be ruined and end than to send the dog to a pound? Does it has something to do with their “couple issues”? What kind of a boyfriend is Bill? What kind of a person is Quinn?

 D. Predict- I think the reason why Quinn made a choice of letting their relationship to end is that because the dog gives her happiness that she never experience and less than Bill can do. I think it has something to do with their issues as a couple such as Quinn isn’t contented anymore on the way Bill have made her feel important and on how they view things individually and as a couple for example on giving importance to the thing called “life” – of the dog. I presume that Bill is a kind of boyfriend who only wants the best for his girl and always want her to feel that she’s safe and loved without thinking that he’s already doing too much that causes pain to Quinn without him knowing it while on the other hand, Quinn is a kind-hearted person who loves to help her loved ones no matter what and love to take risks to help the ones in need not thinking of what will be the consequences that she’ll face after helping them—and I think that’s what make Bill and Quinn totally different and unique.

 Part 2:

           Dear Ms. Crusie,

                       Hi Madame! This is to let you know that I admire your work a lot but sorry ‘coz I also need to be honest that I find it boring at first. I love the way how your story flows. It’s very timely up to now and I presume that the millennial’s could relate themselves to the character of Bill. Partly obsessed to music and entertainment, so as to the different social media accounts, to the different trends in fashion and of course, when it comes to love to the point that they’re willing to kill their rival just to win the love of their life back, just like what Bill did when Quinn broke up with him.

                        I wonder how and who’s or what’s your inspiration when writing this story. Your story just come together with the right touches of humor and some pretty-sexy-funny dialogue. It’s a little wild too. I’m now rooting around for more of you. Though it takes me three-long weeks to finish reading it, I can prove and humbly say that it’s definitely worth the read and I hope you wouldn’t mind if I find it boring at first.

                       Ma’am, thank you for making me hold my sides with laughter. I also want to thank you for making me cry my heart out and for making me too fascinated. May you continue to write more inspiring and breath-taking yet very fulfilling and timely story that everyone can relate themselves to it. God bless you and long-live in the industry of writing.

             Yours Truly,

           Kae Shane Namion

-oo00oo-

 Sometimes you need something new to feel alive again..

Sometimes what used to be good isn’t enough no more..

Old Quinn McKenzie’s changed—totally..

Is it because of a stray dog? Well, partly MAYBE.

 ..

Obsession, superiority, love, and hatred..

Wits combined and the outcome’s a little bit funny..

McKenzie’s known for her independency..

Who could’ve thought she’d be needing someone to insure her security?

 ..

It’s been declared that things between Bill and her is totally over.

Bill’s anger is ruling him over and poor little Katie’s in danger..

His obsession has gone too far..

Hurting his Quinn—neglecting his promise not to make her cry or even a frown..

 ..

Maybe ‘twas just right for them to part ways..

Quinn finally realized that sometimes,

Someone needs to be mature enough to understand and protect her..

Right there and then, the handsome-devilish Nick Ziegler,

Her best friend—came as her rescuer.

tps:/w ���)�

--

BOOK 2 

Book Title: Sam’s Letter to Jennifer by James Patterson

February 22, 2017

 Part 1:

 A. Reflect- Jennifer is a woman who first lost her husband and miscarried their little “peanut” and being summoned back to her hometown because of a phone call regarding Sam—her best friend. Back in the house where she spent her most magical years, she found a bundle of letters at the top of the bedside table on her old room. Astonished by how she handle and deal with everything she’s in to. Well, maybe she’s somehow faking the emotions that she shows but it’s not really what she feel—and yes, she’s good at it. She’s been strong enough for such a long time, not until she met Brendan Keller—her “brother” in Lake Geneva back on those summer days. Wondering who Sam really is plus the fact that she have Brendan makes my thoughts jumbled. I guessed about it too many times and ending up with a thought “Lucky her, she’s got two men who loves her.” Continually reading the text helped me sort out my ideas and freed my mind to know the characters more.

B. Connect- Have you ever gotten a letter or a message and even a certificate that changed your life completely? It happened to me once way back in the year 2015. It was the month of September when I first received a message that our dearest Victorio—my grandfather, was sent to the hospital because of seizures and some underlying diseases. I was in the middle of a review for my upcoming exams that time and as soon as I finished reading the message makes me want to have a long jump way to the hospital where he was confined but I just can’t. I was mentally absent the whole time not until I got a phone call from my mama telling me that everything was under control and he’s doing fine already.

Weeks have passed and he was still confined, he’s doing fine but his body isn’t. He’s partially paralyzed and isn’t able to talk and that broke me into pieces. I don’t have anything to do, I’m way too far and that thought add the guilt that I have. The doctor sent him home reassuring that he’s already managed to be well. Everything that was normal before he was diagnosed had changed. Totally changed as soon as I received a call from my cousin—who’s such a numb one not giving me warning or even asking me a question. I got my knees with me as I sat down. Our Victorio’s gone, forever. Like Jen, I went home with an empty mind and with tears from my eyes—with mixed emotions. As I arrived home, I didn’t mind and manage to take time to pay respect to the elders and hurried to the room where I last saw him. Before I noticed, I was already yelping on the floor. He made a promise that he’ll be strong and he’s strong like Sam, but he’s already gone. One of the reasons why I’m striving hard is gone. Funny and scary how a message could change your whole life, isn’t it? But like Jen, I—together with my family managed ourselves to overcome and recover from it.

C. Question- I wonder who is Sam in Jennifer’s life. Is he a he or a she? What’s the cause of Danny’s death? Not much for a woman like Jen but what’s Brendan Keller’s role in her life then? To whose hands will Jenn end up?

D. Predict- Maybe Sam is her admirer hiding with the label as “best friend” and only have the guts to confess the feelings. Maybe he’s really a she, no—he’s really a he. I think Yeah, I think he’s really a he. Danny’s death was because of a cancer, a stage 4 lung cancer. Brendan Keller on the other hand may be a rival and a lover and maybe, if given the chance, Jennifer will fall on Brendan’s hands and she’ll be happy again and will be able to fulfill the role she failed to do the first time she had the chance—being a mother.

PART 2:

           The part or scene of the stort that really leaves a mark in my mind and in my heart was when Brendan left Lake Geneva—on his way to Chicago, without Jenn knowing what the real reason was. It happened the night after Brendan’s birthday celebration where Brendan himself surprised Jennifer that it’s his birthday.

           I think the reason why Brendan left without saying a word to Jenn, personally because he can’t find the right words to say and that maybe because he’s changed his mind and he doesn’t really love Jennifer.

                                           -oo000oo-

 The best things is yet to come out.

Like living the life that you ever wanted to work out..

We (I) get tired and left out...

But come to think of it as obstacles or some kind of things that needed to be sorted out..

..

What are we but our stories?

Sample was life’s like a wheel, spinning and turning upside and down..

We met people out of plan but with good purpose to us and in the society..

Some were meant to pass by and give test our capabilities..

Only few were meant to stay and determined not to leave no matter what..

 ..

Then one day, we woke up realizing everything about life..

Got up from bed and went back and cried..

You and I—we aren’t sad. Not at all, my friend..

It was just so beautiful to have an intense feeling and the right words at the same time..

The thought that for such a long time, it seemed that life was about to begin—a REAL LIFE.

Though there’s still some unfinished business and the time still needed to be wisely served..

The importance of life is yet to be fully-discovered.

 ..

One thing it taught at times is that “Love never dies...”

Somehow hidden but not at all times..

One more thing is that second chances are always worth given a try..

--

BOOK 3

Book Title: Bright Hopes by Pat Warren                             March 23, 2017

 Part 1:

         How two people with opposite beliefs, opposite attitudes and contradicting principles can will be able to create a harmonious relationship? How love and a loving relationship—except having a positive mental attitude, became an effective way to lessen the progression of a disease?

         I adore how Pam Casals’ became a bright, vivacious and a dedicated person and on how her infectious enthusiasm and courage inspires everyone around her. Yet, it is awful how someone like Patrick Kelsey tries real hard to get close to her and she always seem to back herself off.  I, myself shares half of what Patrick have felt but also considering Pam’s personal reason of doing such action.

As I went on reading and as the characters helped me know every single details of their lives as well as how mysterious the town of Tyler is, I understand why Coach Casals tend to hide the truth—both from the Titans, from Patrick and the whole town itself. It’s never been right and easy running away from the reality but it’s a lot harder how the person you once love and once spent your life with could easily throw everything you’ve went through together just because he’d known that you have a disease that could not only affect your future alone but also his future. Pam have been hiding it and I guess she just did the right thing, not because of selfishness and to keep her poise intact, but because she don’t want to be loved because of pity and that she don’t want to end up hurting herself by letting another man love and enter her life then just leave her easily after knowing that she’s got with her an MS that could ruin everything. Pam’s mindset has always been that way for two long years, I guess not until she’d realized that she needs to let it out and tell Patrick everything about her disease—and she’s not mistaken by her decision because Patrick Kelsey prove that not all gentleman she’d known will do just as the same how the coward Bobby, her ex-boyfriend had done. They both work out in dealing with the disease and it helped them both on knowing each other more than before and they end up with each other on Christmas Eve. I guess she now find and have the happiness that she’s been looking for.

         Way back in my high school days, I’ve been diagnosed having an acute anemia wherein if my platelet count drop once more, the diagnosis will no more be anemia but leukemia. I pity myself more instead of being strong for myself. My parents once keep an eye on me because it felt like I can’t do anything alone by myself. Even walking way through the comfort room of the hospital ward, I need someone by my side. Before the transfusion, my parents have gone crazy looking for four bags of blood type AB, the blood type that’s hard to find. My doctors says I need to undergo the transfusion as soon as possible because if not, it will be too late and sure real, leukemia will rule over my life and take away all the possibilities and chances that I can still manage to fulfill my dreams and aspirations in life. Glad that God has given me a chance to surpass it all. They were able to produce two bags of blood.  Yet it’s not as easy as pie before my total recovery. During the transfusion, there’ve been a complication, I was suddenly having a hard time to breathe and I need to have a tank of oxygen beside me. My attending physician found out that there’s quite an amount of water in both my lungs. After spending thirteen long days at the hospital bed, I’m freed by them but just like Coach Pam, a lot of do’s and don’ts are held by my doctors—from my gynecologist down to my attending physician. And just like Pam, I choose to keep it from my friends and continue to live normally as if nothing happened and as if I never known how and what it feels to almost lose the fight.

         The lesson that Pam Casals have embarked on my mind is that your disease is not a hindrance and will never be a hindrance to achieve whatever goals you have in life and that no matter how painful the truth is, we or you should always learn to accept and consider it as a blessing just in disguise. Having a life with limitations at the outset of recuperating from a severe illness is a hard thing to deal alone, but with the help of those who love us, sooner or later—you’ll never know that you’re used to living with it already. Acceptance is way better than fooling yourself and the people around you. Life is for the living. Don’t let yourself miss a thing and end up wishing you’d done this and that. Life is short and we should not let any disease take us down. Enjoy it while we/or you have it.

I think what makes Pam and Patrick able to create and strengthen their harmonious relationship is that the understanding between the two of them and their uniqueness that cannot be explained. Truly, being loved and knowing that you’re being loved by those around you really helps a lot in dealing with such illness. Their love is one of the factor and reason why you keep on fighting and why you’re still determined to live your life—just like what Pam Casals did. She’s fighting with her MS because of her family, the boys of Tyler High, her friends, his dog Samson, her therapist—Rosemary, the football game, her goals and dreams, those who believes her capabilities as a person, a woman of her own, as a daughter, a friend, a coach and most especially as a lover and because of Patrick Kelsey. I think that’s what also makes her the miracle coach.

 Part 2:

Diary Entry and Letter to one of the characters.

 August 1, 1992

Dear Diary,

              I just arrived a few hours ago at this town named Wisconsin, Tyler. I don’t know if the residents will like having me as the Tyler high’s new women football coach, I doubt they won’t. Earlier at the central square of the town, I already have seen and partially inspected the town. They got a beauty shop, a diner, a bank on the other side of the street, there’s also this usual array of grocery stores and drug stores and so on which filled out the other side of the block. The town’s atmosphere really pleased me a lot. As my eyes continuously roamed around the town and as my feet began to take me to nowhere, I spotted handful of youngsters playing tag on the far side. There were also some of the adults at the center of the greens. Amazing how they get along with each other isn’t it?

              A few minutes, my friend and roommate Rosemary Dusold arrived to fetch me but before we headed to the apartment where I will be staying, she introduced me to some of them. Particularly to the Kelsey’s. I was out of focus as she introduced to me this one big guy, about several inches over six feet, with curly black hair falling on his lean face etched with laugh lines at the corners of those incredible eyes. He smiled at me! He was Patrick Kelsey. As Rosemary introduced me to him, he was startled and I wondered by. He has this frown on his face which seem like he’d already known about me coming. I found out that he’s a gym teacher and also a basketball coach.

              I also meet Kathleen Kelsey, Terry Williams, Al Broderick and Brick Bauer. Oh, and also Nick. We didn’t stay long although I want to. I’m too tired to meet the others. Anyways, I’ll have the next of days and months knowing and living with this people.

              Rosemary led me to the apartment a few blocks from the central square. It was a two stories high white frame house with a wraparound porch and green shuttered windows on Morgan Avenue. There seems a Victorian elegance to the old building. Samson is with me as I transfer here, so I guess I’ll live comfortably and at peace here. Maybe I’ll get total remission here. Hopefully.

              Let’s call this a day my friend. I need to be early tomorrow. I’ll be meeting the Tyler high’s principal for my interview. I hope everything will be fine and my MS will not be a hindrance to me and on my career. Wish me luck as well!

 Pam.

--

August 9, 1992

Dear Diary,

              It’s been a week since I first arrived here at Tyler. I’ve met some more of Tyler’s individuals like Marge who owns the diner few blocks from my apartment and Dr. Phelps whom Rosemary works with. After seeing Ms. Mackie and passing the interview, I watched some of the tapes of the Titans previous plays and I guess the boys’ capabilities is there but what makes the team weak is that because they don’t have the word teamwork. I’m not blaming Coach McCormick for such but I guess he lacks the authority and he’s just more focus on winning than on molding the boys’ moral.

              It’s the first practice of the team with me and it honestly didn’t go well. Of course, as I expected, they were a little rusty after such a long summer break plus their coach have just retired and I can’t blame them for that. I also talked to my boys two hours after we began the practice and told them that they have the potential of winning the next game and that they’ve got many strengths and a lot more is going to work out well BUT I as their coach and them, as the players, have a lot of work to do as a team for us to win. I noticed that some of the boys are out of shape so I decided to have a weight requirements so that those who gained a lot of weight could start their diet and that those who didn’t reach the limit will also work out to gain the weight requirements. A lot of them protested. I don’t want to be too harsh but they don’t have any other choice. If they still want to be in the team, then they need to follow my orders, right?

              I released them right after I discussed my rules and concerns. Alone in the bleachers, I realized that I was having less trouble winning over the boys than the man whose amused blue eyes seems to hint that she wouldn’t last. Sorry but I’ll prove him really wrong.

              After studying the notes that I’ve taken during the practice, I went home straight. It was such a long tiring day and I guess I deserve a good food from a diner right? Nah! After this day, I’m keeping much more than an eye to the boys’ practice. All the way through the pre-season game and championship in the Thanksgiving Day! I hope tomorrows practice is going to be fine. I’m really rooting for the boys’ improvement, both in their mental and physical state. For now, I’ll be going out with Samson, and maybe Rosemary can follow or maybe I’ll go take out something good for her. Ciao!

 Pam.

--

September 21, 1992

Dear Diary,

              It’s the team’s last practice before the pre-season game. I’m nervous and anxious and here I am, acting strangely. It seems like I lost my appetite and I wonder why. I’ve never been like this before when I’m nervous. Patrick drop by and he stayed a bit. We have some popcorns and a conversation about the team and my life. I was wondering about this feeling I have inside me whenever we’re together. As far as my MS is concerned and I am concerned, I haven’t been like this not after my last relationship. Well, whatever this feeling means, I know he’ll leave me too as soon as he find out that I’ve got an MS with me, just like what Bob did.

              After the pre-season game, I’ll tell him about my MS. I can’t let this agony last long. I can no longer resist it. Especially this past few days where I’ve been experiencing some tingling and sudden numbing on my legs which usually and supposedly it’s just my left leg. I already told Rosemary about this and I’ve decided too, to see Dr. Phelps to seek some advice and have me examined. And after this pre-season, I’ll find out if I’m staying or I’ll be going back to Chicago.

              Well, my mind now is preoccupied by the pre-season game. I’m confident that the team will win but I’m nervous because this is the first game that the Titan will be playing with a women coach. There’s no such sure thing as winning, who knows? I don’t want the town to be disappointed and I don’t want to prove Patrick Kelsey that I’m no better than a man could do.

              I hope the game will went well. But no matter what the result will be, I’ll still be looking forward and continue to train the boys. I know they can do it and I trust them as much as I trust myself and my way of coaching them.

              Samson and I will be going out tonight. A walk around the street will not be bad and I don’t think it will affect me that much. It’s not warm outside but also not too cold. A corduroy will do. Rosemary have been out of town with friends. She’s got this weekend tripping and camping and she’ll be away for three days. Alone with Samson is such a great but boring time sometimes.

              Wish me and my teams’ luck fellow!

Pam.

--

November 15, 1992

Dear Diary,

           After the Titans won the championship game and after I fully recovered from the last time I collapsed which almost end my life, Patrick and I got engaged and is now preparing for our Christmas wedding. I supposedly don’t want it to be held on Christmas day but Patrick insisted that it would be perfect and it’s really a perfect day to have our wedding done. Both our families agreed with him too. My father and brothers already know about the wedding and sure they were coming. Kathleen helped me looking for my wedding gown and we found the perfect one. I’m excited with the thought that Pam Casals will be retiring soon and Pam Kelsey wants to live every moment to the fullest. Anyway, life is for the living, right? None of us know how long we have left and I don’t want to miss a thing and wind up wishing I’d done this or that. I want to do it all and be happy. And Patrick taught me that.

About my MS, after I collapsed and confined and after the findings were out, the chitchats were spread in just one day and the whole town already know about it. I was expecting that they’ll have ruthless reactions about my disease but instead, they send me flowers and fruits and some of them visited me and wished for my total recovery. Patrick’s grandma, Martha came with some of the lady’s with their lovely quilts. Her boys also knew it already and it’s such an overwhelming feeling how the whole Wisconsin town accepted me and how they made me feel being loved especially the Kelsey’s—her soon-to-be second family.

           The whole town is really quite a great place and I guess, the wish that I once make before I drove into town—I wished that I hope I’ll be able to find happiness here and I guess I just did. I’ll be soon marrying the man I love and the man who loves me without minding my shortcomings and I’m surrounded by those who loves and accepts me plus I’ve got with me a career of my own. I couldn’t wish for more but hope that God will bless me and Patrick a happy family.

           Enough for this. I’ll get going. I need to fix everything and finalize the details of our wedding. Wish us luck!

 Pam.

 --

March 18, 2017      

Casals, Pam Football Coach Tyler High school Wisconsin, Tyler

 Ma’am:

 Greetings of peace and prosperity!

 I would like to congratulate you first for bringing your boys to the top 1. Madam, I adore you as a person, a daughter, a friend, and as a coach. I adore you on how you were able to cope up and deal with your MS as well as managed to control and even hide it away from the community of Tyler. But I was wondering how did you come up with a decision to be a football coach? It’s not that I’m doubting your capabilities madam, I was just overwhelmed and amazed that a woman like you would prefer choose being a football coach than be working at the office or putting up her own business.

Coach, I know how it felt to be hiding something from whom you used to live and spend your everyday life with, not because of selfishness but because you don’t want them to pity you. I also know how painful it is to know that the person you love gives up on you because you have a deficiency. But hiding the truth won’t totally make you happy. It just prolongs your agony and it’s bothering you slowly without you noticing it. Why don’t you just don’t hide it from anybody the next time? As you can see, Patrick and the rest of the Tyler community still accepts you and they never judged you, right?

I’m glad knowing that you can now live your life freely with your family, friends, new family—the Kelsey’s, and of course yours and Patrick’s own family soon. Before I forgot, I want to thank you for inspiring me through your words and for sharing your experiences. What I really love about you is the way how you value the meaning of life—which is learning as well as the value of life.

It’s really such an honor for me being able to attain new learnings from your succinctly definitions and way of giving importance to something just like the sermon that you did in front of the boys: “Honoring commitments, fostering integrity and molding one’s character is way more important than just winning a silly game...” simple yet each words means a lot and really leaves a mark.

Coach, may you continue to inspire more people either through football, or setting as an example by means of being a strong woman battling with MS. I’m wishing you a happy marriage and I look forward to hearing more of you and Patrick.

Thank you for allotting time reading my letter. God bless you and your family! Keep fighting coach!

 Truly Yours

Kae Shane R. Namion

BOOK 4

Book Title: Leather, Lace and Rock-n-Roll by Mia Dymond    

 April 22, 2017

 Part 1:

           What secrets are there behind the personality of Jaydon Hawke? Why on earth does he need to get information’s from Rachel whose only intention is to give a better public service and help others? Will he be able to achieve his goal—to seduce the highly commended architect on Diablo? Or will he loose his grip and be the first one to fall in love, instead?

           I felt it was brave of Rachel, a decent well-respected architect to speak up for herself and go to a concert with a naughty yet responsible girl-best friend of her, Cameron who happen to pursue her to be there. I thought that was all. But I was so shocked when they made it to the front of the muscle man and found out that Rachel’s pass is gone and Cameron’s got a way of slipping the two of them way to the catwalk by doing a strip tease which eventually, worked well. I didn’t think it was right for Cameron to do that and order Rachel to do it as well. I share half of Rachel’s awkwardness and shame for herself especially because she’s not used to going on an event and do crazy stuffs. At least, it worked out well and gave Rachel a satisfaction as the author said it helped her get out of her shell and comfort zone.

           Leather, Lace and Rock-n-Roll is a book with combined genre of erotic and mystery but with a moral that will help its reader realize some sort of things. Like taking risks for not just for yourself and what mission you’re in to but also for the person you love. As I went on reading, it’s so amazing how the characters were able to manage every situation—and right there and then, I understand the side of Jaydon and also Rachel’s, why they tend to hide the truth. Jaydon for keeping the mission a secret and Rachel for denying her feelings and tend to show that she don’t care. I guess telling and keeping something a secret isn’t that bad at all. Sometimes, it’s more on protecting that person from pain.

           A year ago, I unexpectedly fell in love with this guy. He did to—and everything seems so perfect. I took the risks although I didn’t know that much of him. I tell lies and make excuses just to make sure I’ve got enough time for him, and for myself. But the intention is not to hurt anybody but to protect and keep anyone from the possible pain that I can cause. In the end, I figure it all out wrong yet helpful in a way that I realized something. Life isn’t always worth the risk, worth the lie, and worth and excuse. Because sometimes, it plays tricks on you.

           What this story have left with me is that we need to be careful on what we do. We need to be careful on everything and to those people around us. Taking risk and telling lies not to hurt someone but to help him is her is not a bad thing to do, just know your limit though. Making choices is a tough job to do but you got to get through it unless you want to have regrets your whole life for not taking risk and not making a choice and grabbing the chance at all.

           I think what makes Jaydon Hawke’s mission a success is his determination and his patience. He’s being careful in everything he do. Because he’s passionate and kind knowing that he just didn’t come for the mission alone but also to help the community of Diablo. I think that’s also one of the factor why the fan girls. And I think that what makes him irresistibly handsome and idolized.

 Part 2:

Character Profiles. Draw a picture of how you imagine a character would look like if he/she was standing before you. Underneath his/her picture describe his/her role in the book. Describe his/her good qualities as well as any shortcomings.

 Draw pictures of your favorite part of the novel.