#i know part of it is bc im still thinking so much abt my mum's visit so the brain is like. In A Bad Soup rn

[izzy-b-hands]

today should be a t break day

bc I'll need it to be more effective in the coming days if we see family, and then I'll have the survey shifts

but since late last night i keep randomly nearly breaking into tears and thinking abt the stupidest shit that needs to stay in the box in my brain

so idk. maybe it will be. it is thus far. but I'm not leaving my room without a container of some edible or another in my pocket either

[rearranging-deck-chairs]

once again thinking about a version of the story where 13 lands in sheffield three years earlier when ryan and yaz are still sixteen and a whole lot angrier

13 turning out a bit more immature bc she spends her first twenty-four hours after regenerating with these reactive and kinda fucked up kids. ryan dealing with grace and graham recently getting married or getting ready to get married. probably feeling abandoned by his grandmother after his mother and father. feeling alone with his grief. maybe kinda just has tibo to confide in. yaz meanwhile is in hell getting bullied and either recently got driven home from a running away attempt and is now dealing with the familial aftermath of that, or is planning the running away. maybe kiiiiiiinda just has sonya to confide in but probably not really. probably doesnt confide in anyone

13, still malleable and fluid, running into these messed up teenagers who reflect all her own lonely angry betrayed abandoned feelings back to her, shaping herself in response to them. they dont trust her at all to start with, but i think she'd win yaz over in a similar way she does in canon, presenting herself as an authority who listens and understands. perhaps slightly more the understanding than authority part at this point in yaz's life. maybe she lands in front of yaz actually in the hills before anita can get there. yaz is like "where the fuck did you come from" and shes like "um the troposphere i think" and yaz is like "how are you not dead" and shes like "oh i was! but then i decided maybe i shouldnt be. so. now im here :) with you!" and that kinda strikes a chord with yaz. and then the doctor's like "do you happen to have a sandwich in that backpack im starving"

then aliens happen and once they run into ryan, yaz is already won over and she and ryan recognise each other and she convinces him that, like, no shes not nuts, theres definitely aliens shes seen them

11x1 would go entirely differently obviously. maybe grace wouldnt die and graham wouldnt travel. ryan maybe decides to travel a little bit out of spite and home doesnt really feel like home, and yaz isnt having fun at home or at school either and she was running away anyway so this is not a hard decision

the emotional instability and bad decision counter of a team tardis thats just 16-year-old yaz and ryan and 13 is kind of amazing to imagine. it'd be so volatile but they'd love each other so much i think they'd be the best friends bc instead of starting off closing herself off from grief, 13 would start off having her justified and irrational anger sort of validated and coaxed out i think by yaz's and ryan's. in the tardis between the three of them there would be a place to express "nobody cares about me" whether thats true isnt the point, i think theyre all feeling it a little bit. "everyone just moved on like mum didnt matter/'tell an adult' like what are they gonna do?/okay it wasnt all their faults but all my friends are dead" you know? i think they'd be heard with each other and i think there'd be space for the injustice of it all and especially as the doctor is like a children's advocate most of all, she would take ryan and yaz seriously in a way i think they wouldnt have been by any other adult in their lives at that point. and in return they, just by being there as they are, would make room for the hurt child that 13 is and will turn out to be

and i dont have details for this but i think it would be really nice if the way 13 listens and takes seriously yaz and ryan in the first season (not like consciously or deliberately or anything, shes not trying to Do anything, this is just who the doctor is) would be mirrored in the second and/or the third when they have calmed down a bit, dealt with some of their issues at home, talked to some family members, become a little less depressed and angry etc, and they return the way she treated them when she finds out abt the timeless child and tecteun. she took their anger seriously and she took them seriously when they said "this isnt fair" and in return they can take her anger seriously, probably are angry on her behalf, and they can stop her from overcorrecting from like being 10 by pointing out to her that this isnt fair and shes allowed to be angry abt it

and when yaz inevitably gets a crush i think it shows up as a kind of out of character/seemingly regressive prickliness and snappiness toward the doctor getting more intense over the course of s12 that ryan and the doctor first are puzzled by bc like sure in the first half of s11 maybe they were all a bit snappish with each other but theyve been friends for like a year now whats this about all of a sudden? and yaz is like Nothing!!!! it's nothing!!! piss of!!! bc shes having feelings she doesnt know what to do with or how to interpret so theyre just manifesting as Angery. that same need to prove herself + probably worry abt the doctor as in canon except a lot more combative and a lot less inhibited. shes probably picking fights abt everything the doctor tells her to do. trying to provoke the doctor into actually getting mad and yelling at her or, god forbid, grabbing her, shoving her, using her hands bc yaz wont listen to words. sometimes youre 17 and horny and you dont understand you want one of your two friends in the world to kiss you bc it hasnt occurred to you that girls kissing girls is a thing that can happen. ryan figures it out first

in this version ryan probably stays until the end too - or the same as in revolution happens and yaz feels betrayed that he'd give up on the doctor so easily and feels alone in the entire world again - graham and dan wouldnt come into the picture. ryan's and yaz's family would come into the picture a little more actively. theres a lot of plot to figure out that i cant and it would be a very different era in many ways but i think it would be nice

[tainsan]

ILY MOREE AAAA

no def, its just so him?? also YES i sgree mingi would 100% call his partner princess!! its just so him.. in very excited to hear the reast of the nicknames!! i feel like jongho would stick with a very simple baby or smth.. or hwd be the type of guy to just call u ur name cause 'well its YOUR name, part of YOU, why wld i wanna call u smth else??'

oh my god.. if ur screaming and giggling and rolling around I MIGHT GO INTO CARDIAC ARREST IM SOO EXCITED!! im rolling around just thinking abt it!! do we finally get to kiss them plsss say yes 😞 i love the trope if soft only for you and this fic is FEEDING ME!

YIKES make dure to rest and stuff should you get sick.. im preparing myself for possible broken bones from how many times ill slip in winter 😒

its actually not TOO crazy ig, its kinda calming down since i get this weekend off, and next weekend too, but on tuesdays its 2 and a half hours so i cant even go home before i go to rehearsal 😞 then sunday is 6-9 so three hours AND FRIDAYS ARE 4:30-8 but like going home would still take too long. this is my villain origin story and the air conditioner in our dance room thing SUCKS so its like 28 people dancing in a small room with no air conditioner..! ok end of rant sorry 😞 hows ur schedule sounf

-🦝

I actually think seonghwa would be really sweet with nicknames tbh😭😭😭 he’s such a sweetheart. Imo Yeosang would be more like “I’ll call you your name box it’s your name 🥸” BUT THATS JUST MY OPINION

there may be a kiss scene coming up you never know 🤭 I’m so excited for you to read it ehehhehe. ISTG YOI GUYS ARE GONNA EXPLODE BUT DONT SUE ME OKAY. I’m a sucker for soft for you only trope so you beat believe there is much of that to come 🤭

Oh that’s not too bad but at the same time I would collapse on the spot. You’re stronger than me bae 😭😭😭 hell nah….. no AC???? would be my villain arc too. Gonna be your sidekick though dw we will rock the world

Never apologise for ranting I love to hear from you 😭

My scheudle isn’t actually that bad im just really busy with my mental health and taking care of my mum bc Im practically her nurse😭

I was locked out of my house for over an hour today bc I forgot my keys so that’s how im going 🫠

[caruliaa]

so great how my mum is making me change my diet for the sake of loosing weight nd making me feel like i have to eat less nd esp much less carbs nd the its leading to me feeling worse physically nd feeling so tired physically nd mentally and lacking energy and feeling angry nd miserable constantly. nd also deeply hungry ndf craving which makes me feel guilty.

[kiaz1st]

Hm

[traumatisedbabygay]

as much as i love arcane, part of the fandom makes me wanna die. Like some of yall are so used to being spoon fed info in ur shows that the minute yall need to infer things urself, every surface level detail becomes fact...Also ur understanding of psychology is abysmal lmao. Please learn abt trauma before spouting ur opinions on Jinx's psyche, thanks ☺️

But yeah, some of yalls take aways from this shows make me want to just disappear.

fr i heard someone yesterday hellbent on implying that the mechanical butterflies jinx used on the bridge werent fully mechanical, but just rigged firelights....um wtf. WE FUCKIN SEE HER MAKING THEM FROM SCRATCH IN LIKE 3 DIFFERENT SCENES?!?!

not to mention the ppl who think Cassandra is abusive bc she is stricter on Cait than Tobias. Sure, shes not perfect, at all, but in the end she always supports cait, even if she disagrees. The fact that caits an enforcer at all shows her mum isnt as bad as yall make out

Whats another one ive heard! oh yeah, that cait is at fault for interrupting vi and jinx in ep 6. like, how tf is she meant to know their entire history, & what to do/not do around them, after being w Vi for less than a day? In which Vi was (rightfully) aloof the entire time?

It comes down to one thing. YALL NEED TO UNDERSTAND NUANCE. No character in this show is surface level good/bad. Everyone has their good and bad moments. Everyone has a fatal flaw. Even the "hero" and "villain" are more that that.

If Vi/Cait are the heroes, that means neither of them can ever fuck up, right? Wrong. I get it, its how a lot of stories are. But arcanes writing is too complex for that shit. Same goes w Jinx/silco. If theyre the villains, that means everything they do must be in bad faith, right? Again, wrong.

arcane isnt black and white. It takes many rewatches, reading between the lines of dialogue, analysing the expressions and movements of the characters to fully understand it. Im on my twentieth-something rewatch, and im STILL finding new things. Nothing abt this show is simple.

Im not trying to sound pretentious like, "oh you arent allowed an opinion is ur just a casual viewer", but at the same time, please stop spouting absolute horse shit abt characters just bc you cant grasp the nuances to them. This show didnt spend 6 years in production for you to go on twitter all like "actually vi was an abusive sister to powder and should be held responsible for all of her avtions as jinx-"

no. stop. stop it. right now.

[linasrant]

the art of maturing: a WFTTWTAF review

Hello my beautiful readers, how are yall? So i said that i would do a Dear Evan Hansen review but damn, Luke's album took all of my time and focus from my original plan and now im obsessed, i cant stop listening and it became so special and important to me so today i'll show u guys the reason why.

first i would like to say that no, Luke is not leaving 5sos and going for a solo career, he just made this album so he could sort some things out about himself and his life, so the band still together and hopefully will be for much longer. Ik some of you still have war flashbacks from 1D and personally, i have too, so i wanted to clarify that.

saweetie's voice: lets go!

When Facing The Things We Turn Away From is the name of Luke Hemmings first solo album (a huge ass name wtf dude), and i think it suits pretty well the whole dynamic of the songs and lyrics. For me this album reflects the difficults of growing up and realizing that we need to live the present moment, that its okay to make mistakes, but we have to accept who we are and the light and dark of ourselves, to come in terms that we cant just pretend the past didnt happen, but to understand that is part of the maturing process (roll credits).

The first song is called "Starting Line" and it show us a person who just watched the years passing by but didnt get too much from it, idk abt yall but i felt the same way in this quarantine time, i couldnt do too much besides staying home and seeing the things happen, without really living it. WFTTWTAF ends with the track "Comedown" and it was just a beautiful choice, bc this songs is the release, its when u feel the burden fall off your shoulders and then u can finally breath. Luke did an amazing job with the song choices, the melodies and concepts behind it all, feels like a therapy session and i couldnt be more happy abt it.

My favorite songs from the album are:

Mum

Slip Away

Place in Me

Diamonds

Comedown

The line that had most impact on me is from "Diamonds", his voice in this track is so sincere and strong but with a happy undertone, feels like a lullaby but with a deep meaning.

Cut like diamonds and sink like stones

Starve myself 'til I'm skin and bones

I'm so much older than I ever thought I would be

Hold the silence and don't let go

I hurt the people I love the most

I'm so much colder than I ever wanted to be

im very proud of Luke for coming up with this project that we know its pretty important to him, its amazing and comforting, so thank you Luke Hemmings for this gift that is When Facing The Things We Turn Away From <3

[stealingpotatoes]

Trying to explain the Desmond (sorta) Lives AU: part 3

the rest of the explanation // whole au tag

>> sorry this one’s kinda long, abt 2.7k words, because i talk & ramble too much -- despite TRYING to leave stuff out for streamlining. but dw the next two parts after’ll probably be shorter again.😅 anyway bla bla bla im explaining my apologies let’s get on with it!!!

--------

Six days after they first arrived at the safehouse, the Assassins’ mystery backup arrives. Or at least, they assume the woman at the door -- whom Rebecca, on watch duty, doesn’t recognise -- is backup because she knows the secret Assassin stuff or whatever. 

The trio head to the door to let the woman in and be prepared to fight if it turns out she’s not the backup or smthn. She comes into the safehouse, Shaun and Becs still don’t recognise her, but Desmond’s eyes immediately widen. That’s her-- she looks older (obviously) and her hair’s grey now but that’s her. 

“Mom?!” 

“Desmond--" 

And before either of them know it, before they even say ‘hi’ or ‘hey’ or whatever they’d expected to greet each other with again, Desmond and his mum pull each other into a tight and very loving hug. 

Bear in mind, Desmond hasn’t seen his mum since he was 16, when he ran away from the Farm! So this reunion is so damn emotional for him as well. Whereas Shaun and Becs seeing him again was more emotional for them, as for Des it only felt like he hadn’t seen them in a few days, not six years, this one actually is super emotional both ways. Des, in his memory, seen his mum in nine years (but she hasn’t seen him in fifteen years), so… yeah. 

(small interlude: I drew her and dumped several headcanons about Des’ mum a serious while back, if you wanna click that link and see. Small change since then in my hc her name is Hadiya Miles -- so when I talk about a “Hadiya” person, it’s her.)

They’re hugging for a few moments before general rationality kicks in and they pull away and just look at each other and actually say their greetings and “I missed you”s lol. 

They’re both older than the version in each other’s memories (2003 was a while ago lol), and Des of course has Isu markings -- but he still looks like his mother’s son. He’s still got that scar over his lip, the one she patched up after the training session, and he’s still got the slightly lop-sided smile from when his lip was healing up, and he couldn’t move the right side of his mouth too much. Hadiya never thought she’d see that smile again.

The rational, veteran assassin part of her is like “he totally could be a sleeper or clone” but right now that part’s being completely drowned out by the part of her that’s a mother who hasn’t seen her son in 15 years. 

While this is all happening, Shaun and Becs highkey feel like they’re standing in on a Moment they shouldn’t be and Wow! look how interesting the floor is! Let's look there instead of feeling like we’re barging in on our friend’s reunion with his mum. 

Luckily, Desmond and his mum do quickly remember that Shaun & Becs are also here, Des introduces them, still :D about the fact his mum’s here. They actually haven’t met Hadiya Miles in person before, only messaged her once to offer condolences back in 2012 (which felt… weird). But now they’ve been around her for about 10 seconds but quite frankly might like her more than William already lol. 

ok bla bla Hadiya then explains that she would’ve been here earlier, but her and her team had gone dark, so they didn’t even get word of Des showing up until a few days ago. When she did get word, however, she was immediately contacting the other assassins (she contacted William, though she doesn’t say it to them for reasons we’ll come onto) and asking literally every question she could. 

Des asks about William, but Hadiya says he’s really busy with mentor stuff, which we ALL know means “he doesn’t want to see you & he’s a shit dad”. 

INTERMISSION THAT WASN’T MEANT 2 B THIS LONG: ok so let’s discuss what some people are thinking about Des bc idk where else to put this:  

 Rebecca is the one person who unequivocally believes that Desmond is Desmond -- and a complete ally, not a sleeper or anything. She works it out as Why the hell would the Templars send him as a sleeper agent?? He’s not exactly inconspicuous. He glows and has PoE powers now, and more importantly he DIED. None of those things make it easy for him to just fit back in to the point where he could easily infiltrate and destroy them from the inside. And why would the Templars even send him on the inside when, if they had a way to control Des, they could just use his crazy new eden powers to destroy the assassins as they are? It doesn’t make sense to her, and she’s frankly happy to have her friend back. 

Both Des’ mum and Shaun are a little more on the fence than Becs -- Hadiya out of years of Assassin paranoia and Shaun out of always being a little skeptical of things. They do 100% believe that the (maybe-)human glowstick in front of them is Desmond and not a clone or smthn, and they mostly think he is an ally and not a sleeper -- but they’re both going to be a little wary and concerned until they find out what happened in the six years. However, they’re both very very happy to have Desmond back and will treat him as Desmond. There’s half a sense of they wanted him back so badly that they… that they almost don’t yet care if he is bad or something?

William is-- well, I once described William Miles as having the personality of a brick wall with knives attached to it, and I stand by said description. Bill is feeling hella paranoid about this being a bit of a Daniel Cross situation (ie sleeper agent that destroys everything), so he’s almost sure that this Desmond is a hecked up Abstergo Desmond-mixed-with-Isu-DNA clone and not his son. That… that and he’s not prepared to lose his son for a third time if smthn is up with him. He can’t go through that again. Thirdly, Bill’s feeling REALLY guilty about the fact he left Des’ body in the temple, leaving him for Abstergo to yoink. And he probably thinks his decision to keep away from maybe-Desmond is a rational decision -- which in part, it is -- but there’s a lot of pain attached to it. 

Needless to say, Bill’s reaction fucking hurts. Especially as Des doesn’t have any memories of the missing six years, so it goes from one second “my dad and I are getting on better terms” to the next “my dad lowkey hates me and thinks i’m not even me”. Des, as I’ve said before, gets it to an extent, he gets that the assassins -- his family -- can’t risk fully involving him again because of various reasons, but the knowledge of duty. Oof moments. 

I also want to point out, that Desmond lowkey feels… bad for his friends and mum who think he’s himself? because what if he does turn out to be evil? And they have to do smthn? There’s some very messed up crap going on. 

All in all views on desmond come down to 3 categories: “that’s desmond 100%”, “that’s definitely desmond but i'm wary”, and “that aint it chief”. 

ANYWAYS BACK TO IT: 

Hadiya isn’t just the backup; she also brought an Animus with her so they could see if that was a way to see Des’ memories. Which, after some time of her and Desmond being happy to see each other, they try to use. 

Desmond is confused as to why the Animus is so damn small (it’s just a headset! wtf) and not a big chair thing -- yay, yet another thing that’s changed in the apparent 6 years he’s been gone . 

So they get the headset set up, and Rebecca’s about to parse through the data to look for a memory in the six years but… there’s nothing. No memories during that time. The data’s showing there exists memories during and before 2012, and now, but nothing then . Well, except for what looks like half a memory of what seems to be… some kind of a corrupted Animus White Room

The Animus would suggest he’s been quite literally “no thoughts head empty” , so to speak, for all that time. Des gets out the Animus and knows it didn’t work and is very much /: because that could’ve been their quick answer to just about Everything going on with Des. 

Rebecca starts hypothesising that maybe the Animus doesn’t completely work with Desmond’s crazy new genetic makeup, that it can’t read it -- because even if he was in a coma or the Animus in that time there would’ve been something... ‘cause there’s no way , like zero way possible for Abstergo to have actually deleted genetic memory… then again there should be zero way possible to make a human have First Civ-- 

She walks off with the Animus headset continuing to mumble about fixes and theories. 

Shaun realises he should probably leave Desmond and his mum to catching up by themselves, and says he’ll go make some dinner. 

//

About an hour later when Rebecca (who did move out of her workstation to come have dinner too) yells that they’ve got something. Everyone crowds around her computer. 

 So as it would turn out, some wonderful Initiate managed to scrape up a roughly-2-day-old surveillance recording between an Abstergo higher up and a Swiss Abstergo scientist named Dr. Jacques Hanes (an OC, btw). Here’s pretty much how it goes:

“Dr Hanes, take a seat. [pause] Apparently you’re the person who can tell me how Subject 17 -- who last time I checked was dead -- took out half an abstergo facility?” 

 “Last time you checked was some time ago.”

“So is it him? Or is this part of Gramatica’s... project Phoenix?” 

“That is subject 17 in the flesh. Not a clone, if that’s what you’re asking.” 

“How? And--“ 

“All due respect madame , but I would prefer if you turned off your recording device for the remainder of this conversation.” 

“[pause] Hm. Fine.” 

And then the recording ends. Now this answers several questions! They now know who they need to find, and that Des is not a clone (though they mostly thought as much anyways) -- however it obvs doesn’t rule out any sleeper agent theories /: the mystery do be thickening like out-of-date milk

But it also points out that the Templars were hiding this from each other, and this serves as a potential explanation as to why the Assassins haven’t found bull or crap about this before; just maybe, the Templar scientists didn’t want their fellow Templars finding out about the fact they’d rezzed a highly skilled Assassin, and so made sure their efforts were secret. Or were they hiding it from something else? 

Ok so yeah bla bla bla Hadiya and Desmond continue to catch up, Shaun and Becs continue to notice how very different Desmond’s mum is from his dad lol.

So after a lil while, Hadiya -- who, like Shaun and Becs, has now gotten over the initial ???-ness of this all -- says she’s got something for Desmond. 

Des is like oh?? And she gets the gift from her bags or smthn and hands it to him and… It’s a hidden blade gauntlet. 

“It would have been yours.” She says 

If he hadn’t ran away . “Thanks,” Des smiles. 

He gets it set up, and tests it out. The quiet ‘snick’ of the hidden blade fills him with a strange sort of comfort. Something he knows about, finally, something simple. At least hidden blades haven’t changed in the past six years. 

That being said, Shaun does offer to make Des an electroblade, like the ones he and Rebecca have, but Des assures him that he's fine with his stabby-stab blade. They’ve been assured they’ll get some missions soon. 

//

I’ll admit I don’t have many details on their first few missions thought out. They’re pretty much all simple ones, nothing too big, or even too murderous lol. Mostly just recon and assistance. It is just very few, they don’t do that many. And their main objective is just find out wtf happened . But as I said, you’re gonna have to do the work here and 

It’s not like they can take a plane around lol, but luckily they’re in Europe so driving places is an option. I still don’t know where, just Europe™, tho they never go that far from the og safehouse.

Remember how in AC3 the gang was Rebecca, Shaun, Desmond, and Desmond’s worse parent? Well now we’ve got that crew except we replaced Bill with the Better Desmond Parent!! Because Hadiya hasn’t seen her son in 15 years, and she’s not about to waste any time she could be spending with him. Unlike some people. 

But also, Hadiya, literally being in her 60s, is most often on mission control/ at base -- though she does do her own Assassin stuff as well; she’s old, not dead. 

Which leaves the main trio now as a field squad. They have this really great dynamic in the field, because they’re all trying very hard to protect one another, even though they don’t really need protection and can handle themselves fine. See, Desmond thinks “okay, I heal super fast and I’m the most trained Assassin. I have to keep my techie friends safe”. Rebecca’s like “Shaun needs help and I need to make sure Desmond literally never dies again”. Shaun’s is the same as Rebecca but vice-versa (ie him thinking Becs needs help). They’re all just like “must protect friends”, it’s great.

Their missions all feel a bit useless; not much happens, and they don’t seem to be progressing forward. Desmond feels particularly useless: he can’t exactly blend in with most crowds anymore, so he generally has to stay hidden while completing objectives. And when they’re staying in a safehouse (which is most of the time), there’s nothing he can really do because he’s not a proper Assassin again, and nor is he a researcher like Shaun or Becs. it’s /: and so all he can rlly do is train (he does spar w Shaun & Becs and is a little ?? at how good they got at fighting. also w his mum) and catch up with the world, ig. 

And even on missions he’s feeling a bit disused. I mean-- he’s lived through the lives of multiple damn good assassins (+ one templar), and he’s an insanely skilled assassin himself, so he feels like a sword being used as a walking stick, I guess. Maybe not even that, because a walking stick is still useful! 

But during this short time, they accidentally discover some new abilities of Desmond’s! The first one they find is that he’s able to just compel enemies to pass out, which is fun and leads to a lot less illegal murder times lol.  

Shaun and Becs slowly begin to theorise that he has the powers of the Shroud, and a few powers of the Apple of Eden. Still begs the question how has he got these powers? (and doesn’t answer the “how’s he here” question at ALL). 

Now, they soon discover another ability and the extent of his “shroud” powers -- however Shaun did not have a fun time discovering this: 

They’re on a slightly less useless-feeling mission, and not much happens. Shaun and Becs infiltrate the small & remote Abstergo base without much of an issue, place their bug that’s gonna give them a backdoor to Abstergo servers, Des is outside (sidelines, yay) and they’re about to leave. But of course, things aren’t that simple. Shaun and Becs just HAD to get caught by two Abstergo guards on their way out. 

Rebecca yell-radios to Desmond for backup, but Shaun quickly realises Des isn’t going to be fast enough to stop the Abstergos, who’re equally too far for Shaun or Becs to do something. Time seems to slow down, and Shaun realises he’s acting on instinct more than anything when he shoves Becs out of the way of the Abstergo guard’s bullet. He doesn’t really think about how he’ll definitely end up with a bullet in him instead. He just shoves her out the way. 

Then everything comes rushing back and Des comes out of wherever he was hiding, making quick work of the Abstergos and then they’re getting the hell out of there.

They get to cover, all out of breath, when Becs and Desmond look at Shaun with wide eyes. 

“What?” Shaun looks down. Oh, well would you look at that. Great. He’s been shot.

Oh crap -- Shaun’s been shot!

[imagefragrance]

this topic might be a little personal (if so just ignore me sorry) but is it ok if I ask if being mixed race is something that can be kinda confusing for you? I’m half european and half caribbean but I was raised in england and while I love that I got to be raised in a multicultural home and experience aspects from both ny cultures I also sometimes get a lil confused wrt my sense of identity. like I can feel conflicted abt my connection to my heritage/culture if that makes sense? bc I dont identify with english culture at alllll and I always felt like a foreigner living there even tho I lived there most of my life and this makes me feel like there isn’t anywhere thats home to me bc I dont rly feel a sense of belonging in the countries I’m from or the country I was raised in. and do you relate more to one country than the other or is one culture more important or relatable to you? I get a lil sad that I dont have much connection to my caribbean side bc I never lived there and my family from there is mostly dead and it’s a shame to miss out on part of my family history. idk if you can relate to this at all or if I’m just rambling in the void lmao it’s just I live in a majority white country and dk a single other mixed person so I dont have anyone to discuss these things with. sorry for the long ass rant I will dedicate my next cig to you bc you had to read all this

i appreciate hearing about ur experience anon. i totally relate to you. for me its a bit weird bc my dad is dead so ive lived with only my mum in vietnam for most of my life. i definitely identify more with my vietnamese side, tho i don’t really feel fully embraced by vietnamese culture because my dad is foreign. vietnamese is still my first language and really the culture i know best, but i’ve still never felt fully viet. i remember reading the sympathizer by viet thanh nguyen and relating so hard, like that feeling of being an outsider in your own culture. i think that feeling of being alien is what made me want to move to ireland and see if i could find that missing piece.

i recall visiting my dad for holidays in ireland and not completely feeling irish especially when interacting with my cousins and kids in my neighborhood. i feel like a lot of my upbringing has been characterized by this sense of displacement, like never really belonging anywhere but not understanding why that is the case. moving back to ireland as a semi-adult has been fascinating, as i’ve realized that i do have a stronger connection to my dad’s side than i initially thought. now i can maybe see ireland as being a home and im grateful to explore this aspect of my identity. at the same time, though, i doubt i will ever be considered fully irish since i am a poc. it’s like this weird liminal space of identity we occupy, never really being fully one or the other. though it is quite lonely at times im grateful for it as i feel like i’ve been able to experience two unique cultures.

thank u anon i dedicate my cig to u as well.

[yyxgin]

a lot has happened at work recently!! but who cares bleh. libra season!!! which means bday celebrations!! except i’m at work BOO 👎 and my two assistant managers have officially left (i’m helping them move on wednesday) and they were probably the only two who knew when my bday was apart from my supervisor but he’s gone to a different branch to train to be an assistant manager before coming back so i’m super bummed bc now i have to deal w al the new staff by myself 😭

also one of the ladies in kp read my palms?? and she told me i spend too much money impulsively which isn’t false… but i have to spend money impulsively or if spend none at all (which is good for saving ig) but i’d also be doing nothing other than working and that would make me sad lol. she also told me bc i’m a libra this month i’ll be unlucky with love but lucky with money so 🥺🙏🙏 i was having a relatively bad day that day so she was cheering me up n all of that.

did i tell you when my txt and skz albums came, they also came like a week or two later (again) bc they’d accidentally doubled up my order? it was like heaven with skz bc changbin baby is my ult n he was in some of the pulls for the second album 🥵🥵 the limited edition of no easy confuses me bc it’s not like the last one of theirs i bought and typically groups stick to a style when they design albums like mamamoo are all in these cute magnetic flip box thingies and nct’s are all little books type things as well as txt’s but skz switched it up and there’s a fair bit of loose stuff? but it’s okay bc i have two posters n all of the mini flip card things for the members and some bangchan (i’m gifted in pulling chan).

im also hopefully getting a car?? the barman hasn’t gone to prison yet bc the court keep moving his sentencing date(s?) so when i discussed this w my mum she said they’ll probably throw it out and relief filled me!! but ik i shouldn’t be so hopeful but at the same time it’s like why would you mess someone around so much? anyway i’ll move on, i wanted to drop him home in my car bc he deserves a lift everyday what a sweetheart❣️ my co-worker facetimed me today as it was my day off and i said hi to everyone it was so heartwarming to see everyone missing me but also not bc my manager overworks me and he knows that after this weekend 💉🩸

im jumping about with my points and things i want to say but i’m horrible at internet friends so this is okay for me as recently i’ve just not had energy for any friends which is awful of me but i’m still trying to find the balance between work and social. also everyone’s gone to uni and i’m just chilling. i like my life.

i want to redecorate my room. i don’t like the vibe other than when people compliment my kpop wall bc it’s a bunch of my art and then other peoples art and i thoroughly enjoy decorating w pictures and stickers and stuff but it’s literally just a door and it’s depresses me that my happiness is reduced to the back of a singular door now. i want to redo the vibe in my room and make it more me. i’ve never felt comfortable until recently and even now i’m going back to feeling uncomfy now that i know i want it a certain way and to give a certain vibe. idk, maybe it’s bc i watched sex education and seeing lily’s room in the most recent season (i won’t say much more in case you are watching/haven’t seen it yet) really made me realise i want to love myself and love the space i create for myself more. do you enjoy your space you’ve created for yourself? i always feel like peoples rooms say a lot about them as a person but how they see their room in their own eyes always says more.

i want to ask loads of questions and am awful at asking them so please just tell me everything i missed or should be updated on!! ily, always

~ 🌻

LIBRA SEASON !!! omg did i ask you when's your bday ?? i hope i didn't miss it. >:( happy birthday !!!! you deserve so much love. also, i'm sorry about your managers leaving. dealing with new staff is hella stressful and i hope you don't have to have too much responsibility and nerves <3

ooh palm readings are hella interesting. i've never had one but i think i'd like to try. spending money impulsively isn't a bad thing, if it's not an irresponsible spending. and if it is,, well who cares. yolo. i feel you on that tho, bc even tho i am really stingy w money, sometimes i just buy stuff i don't need and act on impulse.

OMG THAT IS A DREAM ?? getting free albums ?? (at least i hope they were free lmao). i like it when groups stick to one type of packaging although i must say i dont like the book thingies nct uses bc there is no magnetic part so it falls apart on my shelf and i hate that. i acutally like the sleeve packaging txt's albums have ?? everyone seems to bitch abt it on tiktok but i find it the most conveniet. also i'm glad changbin came home to you <3

YAAAY TO THE CAR !! AND ALSO TO YOUR COWORKER. i am praying he won't have to go, then, i am really hopeful. he is a sweet soul and doesn't deserve that. pleeease don't put up with your boss overworking you. take care of yourself :(

YOURE NOT HORRIBLE AT INTERNET FRIENDS we are besties. okay ??? and its totally okay to have no energy for friends as well, bc as you can see, i am struggling as well recently. it took me so long to reply to this ask and i feel so bad but it is what it is :// social battery has been low and i am busy with studying and work and trying to put my shit together. i am rooting for you !! <3

go for the decorating !! i actually haven't watched sex education and am not planning on watching so i dont really understand what you mean, but i hope you get to create a space for yourself when you feel free and comfortable. i share a room with my brother so its kind of difficult to decorate it how i want it, but i honestly like sharing a room tbh. he's not here half the time anyway so it's good to see him at least when we go to sleep lmao. but i have a bunch of stuff in my corner that are kpop and my side is full of plants, so i feel good surrounded by them hihi. i like it here.

i don't have many updates. i am actually living a very boring life, so i have nothing to share. preparing for graduation exams has been making me anxious and also depressed with everything that's been going on lately, but it's okay. i'll pull myself together <3 i love you a lot, take care !! i missed you

[reversecreek]

clicks onto the dash wearing kitten heels n coyly holding my bang....... hi. me again. it took me so long to select a gif to use on cricket’s intro n i settled on this one bc he looks so unsure abt his smile n it’s rly his essence <3 u can find his pinterest board here n his (work in progress) spotify playlist here. hmu to plot!!! 

* alex wolff, cis male + he/him | you know cricket donahue, right? they’re twenty-two, and they’ve lived in irving for, like, all of their life, on and off? well, their spotify wrapped says they listened to should have known better by sufjan stevens like, a million times this year, which slipping on wet leaves to photograph a tree struck alight by lightning, delivering a tedtalk to your own reflection to hype yourself up to buy groceries, hiding your hands inside of your sleeves in case you grew an impromptu megan fox thumb overnight thing going on. i just checked and their birthday is october 1st, so they’re a libra, which is unsurprising, all things considered. ( nai, 24, gmt, she/her )

HISTORY:

cricket ws born to a couple tht lived in lilac ridge. their trailer was tucked closest to the woods n always fell under the shade. it was like the leaves wanted to pretend they were a perpetual hanging cloud on the family n that was kind of fitting. their only reason fr having him in the first place was a kind of shrugged like........... we’re under the income bracket we’d get child benefits so why not! may as well try it to rake in some extra cash! needless to say they didn’t rly think it thru or anticipate all of the responsibilities tht came w children n wound up seeing him as an extremely large burden n boy didn’t he know it!

(child neglect & abuse tw) i’ll try to keep this part vague n brief but things were Not Good for cricket growing up. people in lilac ridge didn’t like his parents n it was for a gd reason. he remembers foggy things. being little n wandering around combing the grass with a stick to search for wrappers to suck on bc he was hungry. feeling uneasy when the front door opened. finding out his name was cricket bc the insects used to crawl into their trailer thru the vents n his parents liked to squish them into the carpet -- his mum told him as much once. i think this says a lot. to excessively trim the fat of the story he wound up entering the system at around 8 after his latest and most serious hospital visit. his parents hd to deal w the authorities n last he heard they bounced to evade charges.

(anxiety & violence & trauma tw) cricket sustained a few lifelong injuries from his time in lilac ridge. his knee didn’t heal right which meant he had (n still has to this day) a limp n he’s partially deaf in one ear. he’s always been an incredibly insecure n anxious person so this mde him rly self conscious going into a strange n new environment tht wld b difficult fr any kid to adjust to, nvm w these added worries. he jst felt like something weird to ogle at honestly. he probably wld have felt like that no matter where he was or what he looked like. he cld be in a huge hall of 200 people all wearing the same uniform n he’d still feel like the odd one out. needless to say this didn’t rly help him make friends

cricket’s coping mechanisms were romanticising the things tht other people found ugly or embarrassing or painfully ordinary. he liked it when the rain hit clunky drops against school windows n forbid everyone from playing outside bc he could feel the vibrations through the rubber soles of his shoes n it was a little bit like hearing all of the world at once fr just a moment. he liked medieval fantasy lore about stout gnomes w crumbs in their beards n cheeks red from ale. he liked fallen nests with the remnants of hatched eggs still dirty from the branches n soil they’d hit on the way down. he liked the way the sunlight leaked thru the leaves of the trees in the woods and how, when he sat very still, he could tune into the ringing that was always in his ear n pretend it was coming from the same place, that light thru the leaves, that the angels were trying to talk to him.

he spent a lot of time in the red room at his high skl (i’m begging u this is not a 50 shades reference) (after googling i jst realised it’s called a darkroom bt i’m leaving this fr the sake of sexy bimbo authenticity) n felt quite at home in there. he borrowed a camera whenever he cld (maybe he did yearbook) n photography became his way of immortalising the world as the romanticised version he wanted it to be. his memories were bad bt his photos were beautiful. maybe if he took enough they’d paste over n bleed into each other. maybe bad cld be replaced w beautiful if he tried his very best.

he got placed into fostering w a family once bt apparently didn’t meet the vibe check of their tastes so he wound up returning to the group home he’d initially been placed in. overall this is where he grew up n he aged out the system rather than getting adopted. there was a sense of floundering/isolation/not feeling gd enough in tht bt cricket made do the best he knew how. 

that said there were some gd points! (shocking i kno bc his life hs been so fking bleak so far bt please it’s ok........) (is it?) (🤔). basically he interned as an assistant at this local photography studio during high skl working under this kind of whimsical yet endearing old man. suspected wizard possibly in cricket’s eyes, as an avid fantasy genre reader. for one of his bdays said old man / his boss bought him his very own film camera n cricket cried bc he’d never been bought a bday gift. this ws rly embarrassing bc this old man didn’t know how to emote n neither did cricket so he ws jst sort of sat wiping his eyes n sniffling saying he wasn’t crying as the old man pretended to suddenly clean his lenses. when cricket graduated he offered him a full time position there. they do like. wedding photographs n family portraits n all kinds of things...... pay isn’t huge bt it’s something n he Loves taking photos so it’s sexy <3

PERSONALITY:

SUCH an anxious person it’s actually unreal. overthinks absolutely everything he’s ever said. one morning he might hv put green socks on n for the rest of the day he’s nervously looking around like omggggggg they’re all looking at my socks probably thinking im a little green sock boy thinking i’m a fool n a jester this is all everyone’s probably thinking about i hv to hide my green socks..... even tho literally no-one cares

once saw a girl eating a chicken wing n in his head was like ok she likes chicken good future gift idea..... n turned up at her house with an entire rotisserie chicken

probably thinks WAY too hard abt what to write in bday cards n googles like generic ideas that he can use.... u open a card from cricket n it always says smthn weird like “Warmest wishes and love on your birthday and always!” or “You deserve everything happy. Wishing you that all year long!” tht he got off google

nervously fiddles w things a lot. literally anything. his hair. the cuffs of his sleeves. a thread on his bag. u name it

struggles w eye contact sometimes............ it’s like. he wants to talk to ppl n make friends bt he’s honestly so bad at it. he’s fumbling thru life like a nervous headless chicken

ALWAYS has his camera on him. like always. will tke a photo of u bc he thinks u look nice then be like im so sorry im so sorry...... bowing his head shakily holding his camera bc he doesn’t even kno what possessed him he jst thought it’d be a nice photograph bt boundaries exist. probably breathes very heavily over this later in his room panicking thinking he nw seems like hannibal lecter

probably more confident online bc he has time to think abt what he says more.......... i can see him hving a group of online friends tht he’s more confident w. honestly he’s pretty witty at heart he jst has a hard time verbalising things so ppl overlook him sometimes bt once u get to know him more / he’s more comfy he can b a funny little man.....

loves photographs where he cuts something out of them. loves missing spaces n voids. thinks it’s a rly interesting concept when something that isn’t there becomes the focus of a photograph where everything else is. probably loses his mind fr a collage like a front row 1d stan. likes experimenting w light n perception. pretty artistic honestly hs probably made a stop motion film in the past bc that’s just an extended form of photography in his mind bt i doubt he showed anyone

ummm...... very sweet bt like. he reminds me a lot of this quote. “he had the awkward tenderness of someone who has never been loved and is forced to improvise.” feel like tht sums him up quite nicely

WANTED CONNECTIONS

someone he met at a wedding: cricket probably ws forced to photograph a wedding fr his boss one time n it cld b interesting as a place to meet from that....... like. i can imagine either it being rly awkward maybe he accidentally spilled a drink on ur muse n was stuttering rly apologetic n it ws just a train wreck. or mayb they took pity on him or even (in a shocking turn of events) a shine to him n invited him to drink n dance. omgggg the thought of cricket trying to dance makes me wna die n probably mkes cricket wna hyperventilate bt idk maybe he went wild n let loose. mayb they wound up damaging the camera somehow. mayb they had to scramble to get another one n ur muse covered the cost n it was a strange late night excursion tht cricket thought about a lot since. cricket probably vowed to pay them bk somehow no matter what. idk. we can work things out. lots of diff options here. doesn’t have to b a wedding either can b any event tht required a photographer

ppl he went to school w: pretty self explanatory i suppose...... maybe they were frm completely different worlds..... mayb ur muse was popular n cricket was definitely not but they got paired fr an assignment n had to work on a project together....... mayb cricket asked ur muse on a date one time n it was completely embarrassing bc he didn’t realise they had a bf n it haunts cricket at night still bc he’s rly dramatic.... mayb ur muse felt sry fr him n ate lunch w him n inducted him into their group like a lost puppy finding a home.... world’s our oyster

neighbours from his brief time at lilac ridge: not to reference taylor swift but i’m gna reference taylor swift n say we cld do a seven inspired plot here. sighs a little..... then sighs a lot. he was here ages 0-8 so idk. we cld work out childhood plots perhaps....

sickening simp: i mean.............. cricket probably gets crushes on ppl so easily like just. anyone who’s the slightest bit nice to him.................. he’s a disgrace. ok i take it back. bt also please get it together freak............... i didn’t say that. he’d probably b extra nice to this person n try n pay close attention to things they liked so he cld get them little gifts. just a bit embarrassing n lovestruck bless his heart. wldn’t expect anything back tho honestly that just isn’t something he tends to do.

let’s go gays: cricket’s bi but he probably was rly in his head abt liking boys n tried to sort of squash it internally during his younger yrs...... i think he’s more comfy w it now MAYBE idk bt back then i picture him having a friend tht ws kind of like. similarly loserish as him perhaps (no offence to ur muse potentially filling this plot or cricket bt let’s face the facts) n they’d hang out n play games a lot n one time it jst kind of happened n he was like............. *struts in looking around sharply* What going on here? except not. bc it’s cricket. more like *shambles in looking around anxiously* What’s, uh... What’s... the happenings? S--... I’m sorry. (immediate apology for saying what’s the happenings bc nobody talks like that n it was an impulsive panic bc he didn’t know what else to say)

those who grew up in the system w him: maybe at the group home or i’d also like the family that fostered him n said sayonara. honestly i imagine the parents just thought he ws a bit too much of a handful / had too much baggage which is rly quite merciless n terrible but. if u think that aligns w ur muses home situation hmu......

um. can’t think of more bt just anything honestly. jst go wild.......

[izzy-b-hands]

Brain won't let me publish any of the finished fics. Too nervous. Which is irritating beyond belief. On the good side of things, I've gotten more started for Izzy bingo along with some other random ideas.

Sure wish my brain would let me put them up on ao3 without immediately sending me into a near panic attack tho

[friiday-thirteenth]

guys im bored hear abt how i broke my arm. TW for broken bones, dissassociation, vomiting, drugs and needles. Also this is like. Therapy. Idk.

weird thing about it was that i was feeling intense happiness, because I’d just confirmed my classes for the next year and i was jsut. Really happy.

So i did this little twirly thing??? idk. Anyway, my ankle went out under my, i put my hand back and crack.

I know there was a definite seperation between the before and after of this. Like, the adrenaline made it feel like I was aware of everything.

After I fell, and after the crack, I stood up fast. I didn’t realise my wrist was fucked until I saw it - and it wasn’t a compound fracture, the skin was still unbroken. But it looked fucking nasty. It was supposed to be held straight, but the wrist was shifted.... up. And it was floppy, but I could control it if I wanted to be in immense amounts of pain.

I started walking over to my P.E. teacher. I said his name once, really loudly - and then he didn’t hear me, so I kept walking. I was cradling my wrist against my body at this point, and I just needed to move. It helped distract from my pain at that point.

When I reached him and he saw my wrist he was like fuck. He didn’t say it, but I could see it, and he said, “ Okay, we need to get you to the sickbay and call your parents.”

Okay, this happened before that when I was walking over. One of the people who was around me had walked beside me and was asking questions, and I straight up said, “Ruby, if you don’t walk away right now, I will either scream or burst into tears and scream, please go away.” I couldn’t handle anyone being near me.

Then when we were walking off the turf (where we were doing P.E. that day, as opposed to the gym.) one of the guys saw my arm and was like holy shit and I’m 99% sure I just looked at him with a really worried look. My face was going white I’m pretty sure, which is weird because I’m naturally flushed quite a lot of the time.

We had to walk up stairs. That fucking sucked. The pain was fine whenever it wasn’t jolting me, and we were walking fast, so you can imagine how I was trying to be very careful.

I’m 99% sure I was terrified that I was going to tip over again, and that would’ve hurt. I was just focusing on staying on my feet.

We got to the office/sickbay and they sat me down. I made myself get my retainer out of my mouth because it was.... foreign. I was going to - I’d say have a panic attack, but I’m not sure that’s the correct name for it - do something bad if I kept it in, because there was something already wrong with me and I just couldn’t handle it.

Also I asked if I could swear. Like, “Um, would it be okay if I, uh, swore?” and the person in there with me looked at me like wtf child and said i could.

Later, one of the teachers who’d walked by told me that they had no idea I had that filthy a mouth on me. Swearing helped a lot.

They made me put my wrist in this makeshift sling thing, which made me want to fucking cry. They sent someone to get my bag, and I told them to leave as soon as they’d gotten it, because I couldn’t handle any of my peers seeing my like that. probably because I felt extremely vulnerable.

I never swore at anyone. I can remember not wanting to, because I didn’t feel that they deserved it? Like, I didn’t want to take my pain out on them. Very strange.

They didn’t give me any panadol or nuramol or nurofen (pretty sure that isn’t how you spell it but eh). I can remember that, because they said that it might react badly to whatever drugs they gave me in the hospital.

When my mum got there, we went over to the car and I put my seatbelt on myself bc im independant like that, before I rolled my head back and scream-said to my mother to hurry up please I feel like I’m dying. Because she was talking to my teacher.

At that point I was being a melodramatic shit, because my pain level I think? was a four, unless I moved my arm, then it jolted into a six.

Anyway. I sung/murmured hamilton songs really fast as we drove the like, five minutes to the hospital because that helped distract me from the pain.

When we got to the hospital and the emergency room, we ended up waiting like 20 minutes which were all hell. My dad came at one point and I told mum he needed to leave because I couldn’t handle having him there. Not for any bad reasons, just that I fucking hated dealing with people and if I had to deal with him I’d cry.

I didn’t cry at any point during this, which was weird. I didn’t like that.

Someone gave me two panadol or something, which didn’t help in the least. They got mum to fill out an acc form - I can remember her asking me things. The pain was bad, like a constant throbbing that was there. I’m pretty sure I started not being there at some point during the time I was waiting. It was easier than dealing with it all, because there were people staring at me and my arm and I wanted to scream at them because none of them were as bad as me and why the fuck are you staring at me.

Anyway. When the nurse came - she was really nice - she got me into a room and to sit on a bed, and then we waited for what was maybe half an hour? There was an old guy dying or nearly dying in the room beside mine and I felt like.... weird because of it. It didn’t feel right, that he was dying.

When they got me a doctor - after me scaring the shit out of a nurse who I thought was a doctor  (i still cringe at the memory) - he ws really nice. He was wearing a haiwaiian shirt and was supposed to be going home, and I was quite lucky that they’d caught him as he was leaving.

They got me on some nitrous oxide to calm me down, or to take the pain away.

Now here’s where thigns get a little less linear, I think.

I can’t remember when they put the I.V. in, whether it was before or after the x-ray. The x-ray was hell, because they made me put my munted arm flat on the cold surface of whatever the fuck they were using for the xray. I had dropped the nitrous oxide tube thingy out of my mouth at that point.

The nitrous oxide was nice. It made me feel tired, and when the dude stuck the needle in my arm and then put the I.V. in, I didn’t care about it. I hadn’t been worried before, perse, just uncomfortable because of the whole broken wrist dealie.

Anyway. X-rays. They said I’d broken the tip off my radius. Then the I.V. Then they got an anathesiologist to come in and explain what was going to happen to me.

This whole time they’d explain exactly what they were going to do, because I asked. A lot. I needed to know what was happening so that then I would know what was going on and that was jus tme reiterating what I’d just said ahaha

Anyway. He explained the options, and in the end they decided to give me ketamine.

For those who don’t know, ketamine is a horse tranquilizer. Its also fucking nasty, coming back up from it.

Mum signed a waiver stating that the hospital wasn’t responsible if I died or something.

This was because, as they explained, ketamine shuts off a part of the brain. If too much of it is used, then you die because it shuts off your breathing, your heart, etc. They had shit that would stop that, if anything bad happened. They put electrodes on me at one point. At least, I think that’s what they were called.

They also might’ve upped the dosage, because what could’ve happened was that they fucked up setting my arm the first time, and they had to cut it out and redo it. If they’d redone it, I’d’ve had to go into theatre.

The whole time this was happening I was terrified I was going to out myself to my mum. I have an odd track record of saying weird shit randomly while I’m in pain.

Ketamine also takes you into a dreamland, which is why drug addicts can get addicted. You basically lucid dream, but way more intensely than normal, if you’ve ever ahd a lucid dream. Or it can take you into an absolutely hellish nightmare scape, if you aren’t thinking good things when you go under.

I had neither. I didn’t even know I’d gone under. What happpened was that they put the ketamine in the I.V., and a minute late I was out.

It felt like blinking. When I opened my eyes, it was like in movies where they blink and its a new scene each time.

Blink. They were moving me to the x-ray. My head ached. My eyes wouldn’t focus. Someone was talking about their car.

Blink. They were moving my arm.

Blink. They were moving me back to the room I’d been in.

Every time I moved my head, it just. It was on another side. I couldn’t focus my eyes for three quarters of an hour. I felt tired, and sleepy, and like shit.

Thye got me to sit up at one point. I nearly vomited. They gave me a pill. It was chalky and the taste was nasty.

When they got me to move from the bed to a chair, I vomited.

I hadn’t eaten for longer than six hours, at that point. It was bile coming up. It burnt my throat. I couldn’t stop.

When I forced myself to breathe again and stop vomiting, they gave me water and left me for a minute. They had people they needed to get in the room, I think, so I was trying to move. They got me into a chair in a bit that was in between the x-ray room and where I’d been. Mum talked with someone else who was there with her daughter.

The cast was big and white, because of the type of break. It was heavy and they put me in a sling when I left. I was able to walk straight. They’d been concerned I wouldn’t be. I’m pretty sure I thanked everyone who’d helped, if I saw them.

Mum took me to get subway. Then we went home.

My sibling had broken their arm around about a year and two weeks before I’d broken mine. Their’s had been the two bones in their lower arm. They’d had to go into theatre for it and have trauma around it. My parents won’t get them to go to therapy and they won’t go willingly

When I got home, they had a panic attack or some shit and started screaming at me when I was short at them. Fuck them for that.

I went into a room and started messaging my friends. i videocalled them and showed them my arm. i was acting all stupid and weird about it by being really silly and stuff. I didn’t feel like any of it was happening, even though I knew it was. At some point I found out I had the electrode thingies still on me. I pulled them off.

People were so concerned about me, it was weird. I ended up responding to them individually as opposed to not. Someone thought that it was a joke and that everyone was lying about it. I gave them a play-by-play and they believed it then.

Even weeks after it happened, it still felt vaguely not real. The first time I cried about it was seven days after, when I tried and failed to make homemade macaroni and cheese.

I learnt that the chunk of bone beside the wrist - the one down at the top of the ulna - had completely seperated from the rest of the bone.

All the wrist bones and muscles had pulled back, which was my wrist had been so weird.

Everyone who helped me was really nice. I’m glad that they were nice, because I got told later about doctors who were bitches and were in the emergency department. Also got told that ketamine was really fucking weird for them to be giving me.

I got prescribed Tramadol. Mum and dad wouldn’t let me take any of it. my sibling had been prescribed it when they’d broken their arm. they’d taken it. Apparently tramadol can put you in a depressive state.

i don’t know what would’ve happened to me if I’d taken it at that point. even before the arm my head was in a bad place. I’m better now though.

I pushed through the pain on panadol.

I broke my arm on a friday. saturday, sunday, I spent at home. Monday I went to school. Felt like passing out at some point.

Yeah, that’s basically what happened when I broke my arm

[sunsetsover]

Hi I come bearing the gift of a clip about Ben's psych report bc I saw your comment on minimitchells ask! Watch from 1:00 or so.

Context for the clip: Ben is being questioned by police after he confesses to killing Heather. The female detective, Marsden, thinks he's lying for attention because a few months earlier she had attempted to manipulate/encourage him into framing Phil for the murder of Stella. Ben had been harassing Phil with news articles etc about his last crimes as revenge for being a shit parent after he rejected him being gay etc (not dissimilar to 2019 Ben wanting to fleece him tbh). When it came out that Ben was lying about Phil killing Stella, he had to go to a psychiatrist as part of the police report I believe, so the things Marsden is quoting are from that. Marsden is basically taunting Ben with his psych report because she thinks he's lying about killing Heather and is angry because her attempt to use him to get to Phil failed and got her in trouble at work.

https://youtu.be/aQ0sZt3Y_ig

omg gift received what an angel thank you so much for coming to me w this !!! i really appreciate it !!

first of all that female officer was an absolute piece of shit like by the sounds of SHE tried to manipulate HIM, a minor, bc she had a grudge against phil and now she's mad bc it didn't work ?? ur really beefing w a child like this ??? ok

but it's really interesting watching stuff from pre-max's ben as an adult/when i'm actually paying attention but it's also incredibly sad. you just realize that ben was a kid who was let down by basically every single adult in his life, and he was (and still is) constantly paying the price for everyone elses fuck ups. he was just trying to cope and navigate through a world that was basically constantly spitting in his face. he had no adult to love and support him properly and nowhere to go that he felt safe. no wonder he came out of that fucked up.

he's like what, 15 in that clip?? so it would have been too early to diagnose bpd but for me symptoms had def started presenting themselves by then. i mean you could see his abandonment issues from space even back then so i don't really need to explain that lmao and don't get me wrong i'm not a doctor at all but the bit abt how he continually seeks out his dads attention either through pleasing or antagonising could be the 'intense and unstable personal relationships'/splitting starting to show itself and/or 'frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment' - basically him fluctuating between 'if i'm good maybe my dad will love me and he won't leave like my mum did' and 'if i'm bad maybe my dad will realize he can't afford to leave me on my own so he'll stay', u know? but i also can see how that could be read as a kid doing everything he can for his dad's attention, which happens in a lot of kids, but at the same time imo he's kind of too old at that point. most kids are starting to develop their sense of self outside of their parents by that point but to me it kind of reads like the fear of abandonment is so strong and who he is/was as a kid (gay, sensitive, loved dancing and musicals etc) was so suppressed that he didn't really develop as a person outside of being his father's son, purely bc he didn't want to lose the only parent he had left u know? which again goes back to doing whatever you feel necessary so you don't get abandoned, which is like thee core of bpd.

the bit abt him being unable to differentiate between real events and fantasies is a bit different than i thought. at first i thought it could be the 'transient stress induced paranoia/dissociation' symptom but idk. i mean it still could be but like i said i'm not a doctor and this is not a symptom i'm particularly familiar with anyway, plus like i said he would be too young to be diagnosed w bpd anyway so idk all the logistics of that kinda stuff but idk it could just be a kid who's so fucked and angry at the world that he imagined acting out and sometimes almost tricked himself into believing he did these things but like there are a lot of nuance in bpd and there could easily be an overlap between mental illnesses !!! idk !!!

there's also smth to be said abt him being incredibly impressionable (??) when it comes to other ppls opinions of him which still exists today and it's almost like... a self fulfilling prophecy but also could play into the whole 'unstable sense of self' thing.... like a 'everyone's saying im manipulative and selfish and evil and i don't really know who i am internally so i must be all those things' u know....

idk the bottom line is ben has had documented issues since he was literally a child and seeing as though they have literally never been addressed ofc they're still there and it's very sad and sadly realistic and also that marsden was a cunt tbh but thank you for sending me this i really appreciate it 💞💞💞

[bytedykes]

oh god ALSO ‘class of 2013’ (mitski anon here my brain isn’t shutting up) with both of them but my brain more went with alec and mayrse wirh the whole “mom am i still young? / can i dream for a few months more” “i promise i’ll be quiet” and the MAIN kicker:

“Mom, would you wash my back?

This once, and then we can forget

And I'll leave what I'm chasing

For the other [boys] to pursue.”

like god i have so many feelings about alec growing up SO damn fast and too early, and how it was more pressured to be head of the institute from mayrse and the loss of boyhood.....

there’s also a narrative for magnus but it’s v different since his mum is.... you know..... but god both of them having to grow up so damn fast and then finding eachother and not having to be Important and Perfect Leaders and allowing boyish love and happiness in their private moments (snoring teasing!!!!! breakfast dialogue.....) i hope they have the best life man....

SCREAMING SHOUTING HOLY SHIT ANON,,,, CAN I CALL U BELOVED. BC RN U ARE MY BELOVED. MITSKI ANON MY BELOVED <3

every day im sprawled on my bedroom floor thinking about how alec grew up in a soldier and how alec is a soldier and how he’s also an older brother and how to some degree he IS the third parent,,, every day i think abt how everything was ok for magnus until it WASN’T and how he maybe never really had a family until much later and how he was with the silent brothers and AAAAAAAA

yes!!! and then they find each other!!! and they have that kind of love where not everything is dark and smouldering and serious!!! parts of them (as a couple) are carefree and light and just!!! my god.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[caruliaa]

my among us ocs!!!

okay so first of all i made all my designs using this among us themed picrew, i might draw them at some point but im just using it for now.

second of all, im not good with names lol, so basically theyre literally named pink, cyan, and teal (also known as mini cyan is theyre mini crewmate) idk if im genuinely going to stick with these as their names or give them like, actual names but like they work for now so.

also pink started out as an among us sona so they kinda look like me/are based on me. 

okay now thats all out of the way, lets begin 

first of all,  pink (seen here w teal):

•she/they pronouns

•nb lesbian 

• sweet and kind, passionate about lots of things but quite shy initially (they're more outspoken after having know their crewmates for a while though they feel most themself around cyan and mini cyan)

• crewmate

•dating cyan (they start dating on the space mission)

•on her first mission when she meets cyan

•initially signed up to be an astronaut (theyre astronauts right?? i think they are) because her relationship with her family wasn't on good terms because they weren't supporting of their identity (is it projecting if its my oc?) and they didnt have anyone else in their lives, plus she felt taking part in space travel would mean shed be able to help people and was always intrigued by space.

• she cares fiercely about cyan and teal and would do anything for them

• doesnt tend to be accused often (esp when theyre w cyan bc they defend each other in meetings) 

•spends most of their time doing their tasks, they're quite good at them (except the card one bc lets be honest everyone sucks at that one)

•autistic (actually all of them are autistic, sorry i have disease that makes me make all my ocs autistic its called being a fucking genius)

• speaking of which, she has a spin in space (it started out as regular intrigue about the topic but looking into becoming an astronaut made it a full blown special interest)

•always defending cyan in meetings and will basically death glare anyone who tried to accuse her

next, cyan! (again also pictured with mini cyan):

•she/him pronouns

•nb (femme aligned) bisexual

• quite a bubbly and friendly person, also quite passionate like pink esp morally

•dating pink!! (ofc lol)

•single mother of teal 

• *technically* an imposter but doesn't kill anyone

• saw what the other imp were doing on her last mission and then promised to herself to protect the rest of his crewmates from them. (esp pink when she meets them)

• a good mum, always makes sure teal is nearby and safe

• the other imposters dont know that she's an imposter

• will kill other imposters if they threaten pink or teal in any way, but will otherwise avoid it in case he get caught

• tries to do tasks even though shes an imposter because itll help with the mission and helps make her seen less suspicious but isn't that good at them

• tends to not be accused often, it happens occasionally but the idea is usually dismissed quickly (especially because of pink defending him)

•incredibly protective over teal and pink especially when it comes to other imposters, is always with pink so no other imposters will see them as a target

and last but not least, teal!!:

•he/they pronouns

•nb 

• babey

•no literally they're like eight

•cyans kid

•got the nickname mini cyan from the other crewmates

• also an imposter like cyan but doesn't kill anyone either because they r a literal child 

• an absolute nerd of a child (asks pink to show him the task theyre doing often because they're intrigued by all the space stuff) (can u tell i do not know mach abt space)

•a sweetie, an actual angel

•basically spends most of their time hiding behind cyan at first, still sticks with him though they get lost sometimes

• sees pink as their mum after she starts dating cyan

pink meets cyan on the mission and is pretty much immediately simping for her,  they become friends quickly but pink doesn't think its possible for her feelings for him to be mutual, however cyan is equally smitten for her and they start dating. pink and cyan love each other with their entire heart and soul, and pink basically becomes cyans parent.

 after a while cyan reveals that shes actually an imposter, initially nervous that pink would lose trust in her, but she doesn't and now defends him in meetings even more, nervous of what would happen if the other crewmates found out their gf was an imposter. similarly, cyan is very protective over pink being hurt by other imposters. basically pink looks out for cyan by defending her to the other crewmates and cyan looks looks out for pink by protecting her from the other imposters.

thats pretty much it lol, at least for the much happier version of the storyline, theres also a really angsty version were cyan is killed by and imposter that either thinks shes a crewmate or has figured out that hes an imposter that refuses to kill crewmates, and pink has to look after teal on her own and protect him from both imposters and crewmates that might figure out that hes an imposter.crewmates

so yea, thats my among us ocs and the story surrounding them, i might make more future (other crewmates and imposters on their mission) but thats who i have for now, i hope you like them!!! :3