#i know it would probably be totally fine

[venomous-qwille]

Feeling super torn up at the moment. A long time ago, when GITM was small, I gave blanket perms for people to make NSFW content. At the time, I genuinely thought I would be fine with it. Generally I just want people to have fun with characters and I didn't want to gatekeep stuff when I can just, you know, curate my own space and not look at the content that people make that I don't like.

So that's what I've been doing for the last half a year, not looking at stuff I dont want to and I thought that that would be fine. But, I'll be real, it's eating me the fuck up. I hate the idea that people I dont know are making this stuff en masse, even when I can't see it. Just knowing it exists feels bad. And I hate that I feel this way. I don't want to be the kind of person that tells people 'no you cant do XYZ', these feelings clash hugely with how I identify myself. I wanna be live and let live. As long as they aren't hurting anyone, its fine right?

But fuck. Lately its just been giving me this constant low level anxiety. I know I wont rescind the perms- I feel like that would be super shitty- especially after so many people have put so much effort into creating this content. And I don't know if I'm still gunna feel this way in a year or whatever. If I was fine with it before (when it was just a couple of people I knew personally) shouldn't I be fine with it now? What changed? Is it possible for my feelings to be valid and for them to be unfair at the same time? I'm trying so hard not to make my feelings other people's problem.

I don't know man. This post is the classic, felt cute might delete later. I just needed to shout these thoughts into the void.

[caligvlasaqvarivm]

was rereading the convo dirk has with dave and was captivated by the subtle work done to indicate how very much this was not actually a good or productive convo for dirk, and a capstone on the toxic mess that is him and hal

in the exact same conversation that dave is explaining, and dirk is seemingly accepting, that beta!dirk/bro should not have been allowed near a child, dirk chooses to bring up hal. and he does it to be really shitty.

DIRK: Creating him was an interesting exercise I guess, but over the years I came to see his development as one of my biggest mistakes. DIRK: He sort of turned into a monster. But I could never bring myself to get rid of him, or even really blame him for being an asshole, because he wasn't actually that different from me.

like... hal is dirk's younger brother/kid, right?

that's part of the reason that when hal starts using a different color, it's dave's red. in one part, the orange/red split is evocative of dave/davesprite, casting dirk/hal as foils, but... i don't think the lil bro/"kid i'm responsible for" vibe is unintentional, either. especially when paired with the fact that the brainscan is of 13-year-old dirk, and that the words "nascent" and "emergent" are used to describe hal's consciousness, all implying an element of youthfulness or childishness to him that isn't applied to dirk.

hal is fully sapient, has real feelings (by dirk's own admission, too), and is also, like, completely his own guy. he's not a dirk splinter, he's a computer housing a dirk splinter, and he and dirk only think they're the same guy because their individual issues happen to perfectly align in the worst possible way.

so if you look at their relationship through that lens instead - a frankenstein/frankenstein's monster scenario (which is also directly and intentionally an exploration on parenthood) at best and dirk Pretty Much Actually Just Making A Child at worst - doesn't it become really fucked up that Dirk tried to kill him?

Doesn't it become really fucked up that Dirk is outright calling him a "mistake" and a "monster"?

the other really interesting thing here is when he talks about Jake - specifically, the way he chooses to "make it up to" jake. which is to say, he doesn't.

DIRK: I wouldn't be surprised if he was trying to avoid me as much as possible. DIRK: I'm sure that's for the best. DIRK: I think I need to stay out of his business for a good while, so I don't risk poisoning another innocent kid's life.

This isn't a solution. Hell, this isn't even an apology. This is just self-isolation, self-punishment, more of Dirk's martyrdom complex and teen boy diva bullshit.

yes, dirk hates himself, but the actual toxic loop he's stuck in is one where he doesn't address any of his problems. he identifies what his issues are, he feels really bad about them, he can enunciate them very clearly to other people, but then, instead of fixing them, he inflicts punishment on himself and then calls it a day.

We know that this is a bullshit thing to do to Jake because we know the situation from jake's side of things.

GT: Do you think you could relay the same sentiments to dirk? GT: I was thinking about all the stuff he said to me while we were all telling him to dance. GT: And yeah i was really being a prick when i ran away to lomax. GT: He was right about everything. I should have come clean about wanting some space.

jake wants reconciliation! jake wants to address the fact that he failed and apologize! jake wants to be friends again!

self-punishment is not a solution, and while I don't think dirk is entirely cognizant that he's doing it, by venting to dave - who literally has no idea what's been going on in dirk's group - he's able to frame the story - ahem, control the narrative - to justify his own shitty choice to not actually improve as a person, but instead to wallow in his own self-inflicted misery. If he'd said what he did about Hal to Jake, Roxy, or Jane - all of whom recognized hal's personhood and emotional reality to some degree, and spoke with him extensively - how would they respond? If they knew he'd tried to kill Hal, how would they respond?

The answer to that is why he doesn't tell them, and has got to be ticking in the background to explain why Dirk chooses to isolate himself from them. Put simply, I think the reason why he seems to think his friends never know the worst of him is because he deliberately avoids showing them. If he showed them, they wouldn't stay quiet, and if they didn't stay quiet, he'd actually have to... do something about it, instead of just indulging in some self-punishment and walking away feeling like the problem was solved.

and i think part of why he's so terrible to hal is because, on some level, he recognizes that he does kind of owe it to hal to be better. because, you see.

Hal is his kid.

hal's existence, hal's circumstances, and hal's suffering are a direct result of dirk's decisions, and hal is taking him to task for them. the things dirk really resents about hal are less the ways that hal is a reflection of dirk, though that's in there too, but the fact that hal is asking dirk to take responsibility. actual responsibility. that hal keeps confronting him with the fact that he's the one who caused hal's plight, he's the one with the power to fix it, and he's the one choosing inaction and avoidance.

TT: I'm guessing she's touching base to remind me about the party tomorrow. TT: I don't know what to tell her yet. Or Jane, for that matter. TT: It could get pretty awkward. TT: I have no idea if Jake will be there, and I'm not about to write another cringe-inducing message of desperation for him to ignore. AR: Would you like me to calculate the probability of his attendance? TT: Fuck no. AR: Are you sure? AR: My probabilities are extremely precise. TT: Your probabilities don't mean dick. AR: I could hack his chats, and determine what his plans are. TT: No. Don't do that either. [...] TT: Just don't do anything. Seriously. TT: No hacking, no calculations. Do absolutely nothing.

That's why Dirk takes such exception to the AI thing, too.

AR: In any case, my use of the responder responder is ironic. TT: It's not ironic. TT: YOU were ironic when I made you. TT: Then you became self-aware, and ruined irony forever.

then you became self-aware - in other words, "then you became a free-thinking entity and those jokes became reminders that your situation is fucked up, and i'm the one who put you in it". in other words, "and then you were born, and i had to be responsible for that". because, after all, the AI jokes that dirk hates so much? those aren't a reflection of dirk. that's all hal, baby. dirk can't use his "i hate you because i hate myself" excuse on that.

now i don't want to make it sound like i'm saying that dirk is a monster or anything. he does care, very fucking deeply, about his friends. and i think this conversation was genuinely very cathartic and helpful for dave. and it is, genuinely, very tragic that he does actually hate himself to the point where he finds it difficult to believe that he can get better, or even that he deserves to get better.

but those feelings have transformed into a vastly more harmful attitude of wilful, obstinate refusal to change, and even outright resentment and fear towards those that would ask him to. it's subtler than some of the others, but his convo with dave really highlights that dirk has not finished developing as a character yet. and i think it's really neat.

[technicalknockout]

thinking about how cut off tko is from forming even a vaguely normal relationship with people

[humming-fly]

what do you think would happen if shadow and greed met?

pfsdklTKL asking the real questions now aren't we XD

hmmm I imagine it'd entirely depend on the locations and circumstances of their meetup-

in FMA? Greed would probably just assume shadow is some sort of particularly fucked up chimera and treat him as such

in Sonic? Assuming greed isn't running around advertising himself Shadow would probably just think he's a typical if sleazy human and ignore him

if they somehow met in a weird liminal space and knew who the other person was/their respective plot relevancies? extremely weird shared looks. maybe a "that's rough buddy" on greed's part if he's feeling charitable

[janederscore]

every day people will get online and say some shit like "hi! cis person here. is it problematic if i regularly use universally recognized masculine terminology to refer to my trans gf? i could ask her how she feels about it but i'd much rather get validation an answer from hordes of anonymous cis people on the internet"

[all-pacas]

Since we're talking about Chase & sex. I wonder what he'd do if he found someone who he actually connected with, was attracted to, and grew to care about—but refused to have sex with him for some reason or another (maybe they're old school and saving that part for marriage). Would he still pursue that relationship, if what he truly craved was the connection?

depends on when it happens tbh. s7? that's exactly what happened (on a micro scale) with his doxxer. they genuinely were bonding, she said she didn't want sex, he ghosted her.

we also see towards the end of s7 (and again in chase) that even though chase is aware he doesn't love sleeping around, he still does it. he decides to stop having casual sex; he hooks up with a nurse (and looks miserable about it) later that week. in chase, house tells him to his face he's sleeping around as a coping mechanism; chase then goes and sleeps around some more. we joke he is spineless and this is a big part of it: chase… lacks willpower. he lacks a certain amount of impulse control. in the short term he feels good, so he does it. (trace this all the way back to s2 and the Meth Hookup.) if he genuinely connected with someone and had reason (even if that reason was just i like them a hell of a lot and they're special to me), i don't think he'd have a problem abstaining from sex. but post-divorce chase is usually gonna pick instant gratification against his own self-interest.

(in his defense: he does eventually taper off his whoring. in his own words by the end of s8, he's actually stopped: he tells house he hasn't "dated" anyone since the rebound nun, and later declines a hook up with adams because he doesn't feel connected to her / doesn't want to do his usual quick fix bullshit. he's learning!)

early seasons? i think in a way you run into the opposite problem. s1-2 chase was still a flirt, but we don't get many indications of him sleeping around or dating an unusual amount. he also doesn't seem interested in relationships in general, you know? i think if he'd met someone he liked at that point, he would have gone the full canon route and fell in love with them fast, but i'm not sure he was also… invested in connecting with anyone. so part of me thinks that if he had met someone he liked who wanted to take things slow, it would be… kind of a tossup. it depends on how much he liked her and how invested he was in having any kind of relationship: cameron was very much an accident (we see from the meth hookup that he genuinely was unbothered by it and didn't linger on it lol).

either way, it's very clear that chase falls very quick once he hits that emotional intimacy trigger. the trick would be hitting it without sex. moira the rebound nun actually did (they hooked up after he already had a crush on her), and i think he would have waited for her, but… chase, for good or ill, is always going to want to use sex to express connection.

[six-improbable-things]

I had to open the ship combat rules doc I made for Rook's campaign the other day, and man, that thing was (and still is tbh) my fucking magnum opus. I put so much effort into creating rules for a type of combat that dnd doesn't naturally support, and it was SUCH a fun challenge. I'll admit it's not perfect, but it works for our campaign, and everyone seemed to like it during our one test so far, so that's good enough for me.

I think between the stat blocks, the rules themselves, and the maps of the ships, I spent easily 48 hours total on making this sailing arc happen. (No, I'm not the DM, I just like homebrewing shit, and also happen to be the one who decided to play a pirate and make that involved in the story.)

[bogkeep]

btw etsy is doing this incredibly annoying thing that, unless i add tracking to my orders - Which I Do Not Have The Resources To Offer And It Would Increase Shipping Prices Considerably - they're gonna hold on to a third of the money i make from sales for an additional 45 days after :') just because i haven't been using my etsy shop for a while, so it's "suspicious" - even though i HAVE used it in the past and never received complaints about my orders. haha!! what a user friendly platform!!!!!

not to mention all the recommendations like "you know, if you offer free shipping you'll sell better :)" "1-3 days processing time is worse for sales than 1-2 days processing time, you should REALLY CONSIDER going for that one instead :)" "you should add videos of your wares, it'll sell better :)" when i just. i just wanna sell my little pieces of paper i have been drawing on. i just want a convenient and accessible storefront and sell things in a way that is convenient and accesible to me. is it really So Much to ask for

anyway does anyone know if ko-fi store is any better to use? switching to a different storefront may be a hassle but i'm not sure how long my tolerance for etsy's bullshit will last

[thevegetablewhichnoonedaresname]

i unraveled half a dishcloth about 3 times because i was having a toxic man-refusing-to-ask-for-directions moment and kept telling myself "nah you've knit stacks of these and it's literally the easiest pattern" and ignoring the fact that i've been crocheting for 3-4 years and could really spare 5 seconds to google a pattern as a refresher

[cementcornfield]

not lance reposting the joe doing the griddy video on HIS story with a bunch of laughing emojis!

[fletchlings-bow]

@airenyah consider me fully intrigued by your thk posting. is there somewhere i, an english speaker (with passable french but) with no thai, can watch a subbed version?

[figureitoutinthemorning]

I have nowhere else to say this but I need to say it so it’s not in my head anymore. So. Vent about medical stuff under the cut.

Can I just scream please. Like obviously I knew something was up, but now they’re referring me for an operation to basically check on like. The structure of my reproductive system.

Obviously, I’ve known for a while that it might be difficult for me to have children, but this just feels like another nail in the coffin. And this feels like such a strange thing to be sad about on the ‘most people here never want kids’ website, but I do.

The nurse was so kind and patient, but she did say, straight up, ‘This isn’t normal.’ She said I’m not the only one in the world, it’s not unheard of, she’s had patients with similar issues, but this isn’t normal.

And so many people I went to school with have babies now, and I know I should just be happy for them, or at least neutral, but it just burns me up inside. And I just keep thinking, what if I can’t? What if it’s just not possible at all? And everyone wants to be like ‘oh, you can just adopt’ but I don’t think adoption should be a back-up plan. That’s not fair on the child. I mean, we’re talking about a human being here!

It’s just. Yeah. I’ve been aware of a problem for a while but now it feels bigger and more real, and I just can’t imagine never having a baby, never getting to see them grow up.

[multishipper-baby]

Speaking of AU babies: I've been thinking a lot about an AU where Ibuki meets Rowan, because Ibuki would adore him- but instead of making it a nice AU where everyone is happy and Ibuki just isn't in the Shishigumi I'm thinking about Louis never leaving the Shishigumi and Rowan being raised in the Black Alley Market.

Now he can have a whole host of new and exciting issues! And they're much worse!!!

[totaleclipse573]

Thinking rn about how Terios was raised and grew up on the Black Comet I’ll talk in the tags

[cursedvessels]

closed starter for @noiranamnesis

"Are you here about the secretary job? I'm afraid I've no time for another interview unless you've got something very impressive to show me..." His words were extremely dismissive, maybe a bit irritated. A hand waved at the other for them to exit the cramped, messy office space.

There were stacks of papers everywhere; cardboard boxes piled in corners, trinkets and newspapers, broken bits and bobs, several empty coffee mugs as well as his own fresh one, cigarette butts, an overflowing trashcan, stacks of books, old receipts. He looked rugged. And that was putting it lightly. His hair was a fluffy mess atop his head, his skin pallid and eyes sunken from lack of sleep. He had already talked to 13 other applicants today and none had been very impressive. Chewing on the tip of a pencil, his eyes scanned over a folder full of documents, clearly searching for something amidst the absolute chaos of the small space.

Tossing the folder aside, he pressed his lips into a thin line, hands on his hips as he finally took a moment to look up at the stranger. A heavy sigh. If only he had another cigarette handy...

"And if you've something else to say, you've got less than 3 minutes to say it. I'm not taking on anymore cases at the moment unless it's something worthwhile."

[cuntwrap--supreme]

Lol. Lmao even.