#i know it sounds unhealthy
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entry #12 - gratitude
I WROTE THE COMP TEST ! ! !
FUCKING F I N A L L Y.
i'm lowkey scared of the results, fingers crossed it went well, if it didn't oh well, but if it did you know what that means....MORE studying :DDD
anyways, i could finally relax today, i had my everything shower™ and could finally do fuck all for the rest of the day.
tomorrow thank the lord i'm not going to school, but i still need to go to piano and tutoring lessons, because one thing we are going to do IS GET THAT FUCKING BAG.
always.
not to rant (but i can cuz this is my blog-thing), but i'm like so happy right now?
like, i have no idea if i passed or not, but i just feel so happy that i'm doing so much shit in my life, that i HAVE a life and that atm i don't even have to worry about girls at school gossiping about me, giving me death glares in the corridors and filling every room i'm in with them with negative energy, because I'M GETTING STUFF DONE. i'm actually DOING something.
it feels so freeing to feel at least a little bit successful to myself, doing things i thought i'd never be doing.
and even though it's literally so hard some days that when i come home late at night after a whole 12+h day, i can't even cry because i'm so exhausted, i know this is still a work in progress.
i know that THIS is the journey. and even though it hurts most of the time, sometimes when i get to catch my breath, i stop and look around and realize how fucking amazing life is.
i am out here MOVING. i am out here DOING THINGS.
and for the longest time that's all i ever wanted to do, i just wanted to get up and DO things, be able to keep moving forward and fight stillness.
and that's when i realize that all of this pain, is just growing pains. it always hurts when you're growing.
and that's okay. more than okay, that's fucking fantastic.
that's needed.
i fucking slay.
and to all the girls who work their asses off and find shit confusing, are lost, are tired and burned out as hell, but are still trying to make sense of everything around them, still trying to better themselves every day, trying to be at least a little better than they were yesterday, you fucking slay and i love you and respect you so much you don't even know.
i think i'm going to make a list of some more shit i need to do, cuz if one thing's for sure it's that:
the schedule never fucking sleeps.
cuz that's how we fucking like it <3
#proud of something!!#proud of my progress#successful mindset#lets get this bread#just girly things#girl blogging#girlboss fr#just girlboss things#god bless#i want to get better#self improvement#i know it sounds unhealthy#but i lowkey love working so much#let the chaos begin#i love you#i love myself#slay every day#gratitude#grateful for everything so far#slay girl slay#motivation#inspiration#life is strange#new beginnings#self worth#self love#love life ig#self care
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i'm bothered by how fictionfolk seem to be treated. people want to have healthy standards between fictional identity and reality, but they do it so harshly to where they're discrediting others' fictional identities. they're not "yes, and...", they're just flat-out "no"-ing other's experiences.
source separation just seems to be flat out denying your identity instead of acknowledging how this reality works differently, or accepting the natural growth that occurs when living and learning new things.
it feels like fictional identities are "cool" yet extremely shamed.
#shouting to the wind#does this make sense or am i barking up the wrong tree#i'm sure ive ranted abou this before but i don know#i dont knooowww#i saw someone saying you shouldnt encourage fictives or something cuz its unhealthy delusion to believe in your source#and it's just . HMMMMMMMM . i get what theyre trying to do but that doesnt sound nice either#fictionfolk#Fictionkin#fictive
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something about people calling vrisrezi "toxic yuri" always puts me off. i understand the lack of words to really put their dynamic but like you know theyre in a relationship thats largely good for them right. they arent dating because "it sucks but it would be worse without each other" they genuinely really love each other a lot
#just as a baseline understanding here i am outright stating that their moiraillegance is a romantic relationship which includes kissing etc#if u cannot meet me on that level i dont think i really want to discuss vrisrezi with you#anyways its just so weird to me i dont know. i dont have a super great way of articulating it#they do Need each other they are codependent and its not necessarily healthy#but unhealthy does not equal toxic#they dont hurt each other on purpose they make each other so so happy and they do so much for each other and thats what makes them worse#because as much as they are universally destined to be together by the Laws of Paradox Space they are also universally doomed#and i mean straight up like. terezi is vriska's fp i feel like this is a given with the almost unambiguous bpd coding of vriska#and that isnt a type of relationship that vriska serket and terezi pyrope are exactly going to understand or manage well#but i also think that calling a favorite person relationship toxic by the nature of it regardless of who specifically is in it#is really gross? and harmful? and it doesnt make you sound cool when you talk about vrisrezi like that#ok wow this got really really out of hand. vrisrezi isnt really “toxic” if you read the comic thank you good night#vriska#terezi#my posts ::::)
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what's your opinion on fanfics about dnp? (more in a way of do you think that it's crossing boundaries and/or being parasocial)
i'm of the same mind of dnp in that phanfic is fucking incredible. it's an important and valid way to express yourself, as well as a building block of our community. i don't think it's crossing boundaries, as it's fiction. i don't see it as parasocial either--you're writing for you and others like you. most people don't want dnp reading their fics, it's not for them in a sense, it's for us.
i think dnp are extremely aware of fanfic and its value and place in community. they've always encouraged it, appreciated the support, and given us space about it. they're not ones to make videos about it and mock fans for it (which happened to some of our lovely fic writers here writing for other yt fandoms, and i'm so sorry about it). dnp are fandom culture people. they've written fic themselves! and published it in their book!
the word parasocial has been twisted lately to imply any fan support is unnatural and should be shamed, which is complete fucking bullshit. making art is always important and valued. and it is necessary for your existence as a human, but also for the thing you're a fan of to thrive.
the parasocial side comes in once you start believing you know this person. and that you're their real friend. when in reality, they do not know you specifically, and you are not their friend, you are an audience member.
so a parasocial relationship only occurs when people start crossing boundaries (digging for not publicly available information, contacting people in their personal life, showing up to their house, etc). which, is absolutely nowhere close to real fan behaviour.
tl;dr: phanfic is great, i love you fic writers, parasociality is a problem but not one that we have
#dnp have such a unique relationship w/ their audience in this way. it isnt parasocial bc it isnt like. too real? like they arent our friends#we joke and we meme but we Know that. but they Are a facet of our lives and we do care about them perhaps more than an average community#but they also care about us more than an average creator too.#we're extremely familiar with each other. but not in an unhealthy and dangerous way. just. aware.#its special. its fun.#like we even make jokes about dnp being parasocial with us sometimes lol#i hope im clear and it doesnt sound pointed anon but we've done the morality of rpf so many times in this fandom#on neutral ground any rpf is fine. but especially in dnps case where theyve actively encouraged it and are extremely grateful#except maybe when we haunted them with awful crack fics. but even then they still loved us for it. despite the horrors#dnp#c.text#dan and phil#answered
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Hi F451 tumblr. Can i go on an insane ramble. Montag is kind of just like the hound. Montag hound allegory 100…. Both because All We Put Into It is Hunting Fighting and Killing What a Shame If Thats All It Will Ever Know but ALSO i just know Beatty loves that damn hound. I can see him kneeling before it in my mind’s eye, lovingly adjusting chemical balance and making sure its joints are oiled and move comfortably, shining its exterior, cleaning its led eyes, taking it with him on jobs, slip lead held loosely around its great accordion rubber neck, giving it rats and mice to kill by hand, stroking that great chrome head with tenderness and adoration unbecoming of a man of Beatty’s status, and is Montag not his own hound? His best man? Does he not lovingly feed him books to destroy? Lies to believe? Did he not train him, build him in his own image? What love beatty feels is like how a god feels love, it’s retribution, punishment, ownership, in a way. Montag is his Hound, and does Beatty not take excellent care of his hound?
#its like that mitski song#youre an angel im a dog or youre a dog and im your man#you believe me like a god I destroy you like I am#good GOD#is this coherent#is this anything#you guys kind of sound insane so. i hope this resonates with somebody because I am definitely insane#NOT IN LIKE A WEIRD YAOI WAY THOUGH.#in a highly repressed illicit homosexual affair in the 60s kind of way you know#my ideal ship dynamic is just Man Who is Desperate for Affection x Man Who Takes Good Care of His Things#its unhealthy its codependent its everything I want for them#amen#fahrenheit 451#guy montag#captain beatty#guy montag x captain beatty#because the tag is EMPTY!!!!!!!!#ITS EMPTY!!! WHY!!!#max talks smack
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so has anyone figured out WHY there is the Need To Share our Artworks™ or is it just the vibes and our Soul apparently
#ive been running on “two cakes. u aren't BOTHERING people by putting art on their feed they can scroll past it/if they dont they get ”cake“”#and we love “cake”#“cake” is picture on the internet in this case#like okay the contracts and transaction format is a me problem!! i need to get rid of the “utilitarian brain worms” bc they're boring#this is supposed to be a hobby and the “get a good grade in hobby” wolf in the brain is just crying bc that's how they understand the world#the “get a good grade in x” wolf has valid pain but needs to stop controlling my life because they don't need to earn “enough value to live”#ect ect ect#and the life of minmaxxed utility is a life of trying to appeal to a “correct” that doesn't exist yaddi yadda = boring#i love you wolf. also shut up. affectionate. concerned. you get it#ok so we remove tangible purpose from act of experience art because THAT'S not “the point”#because “the point” is the joy killer eccetera ecc#but then what? “here check out this labor of love. i drew this fucker 15 times. no there's no story* there it's just a guy”#*story in this case being an emotional engagement/a situation/a context in which to ponder/other#so it's just a Draw. no further analysis. what do others Get from that?#i know i deeply enjoy art because im a fan of the process of People Making Stuff. i love when there was nothing but now there's something!!!#THAT'S what's it all about!!!!!!!!!!!!!! to me!!!! right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#so it stands to reason that creation is purpose enough?? to be experienced???? to be known????????#idk!!#this is a nothing burger of a thought people have always liked picture on the internet stfu maiora there doesn't need to be a reason#this is just the brainworms talking!!! because god forbid “something not have a purpose”??? blegh!!!!!!!!#sounds like unhealthy rationalizing instead of letting things be out of The Fear™!!sounds like depraving urself from joy bc of BRAINWORMS!!!#so like!!!!! picture on the internet doesn't NEED inherent value. creation is enough!! (plus there's the Attachment to Character. also.)#but then why are YOU *points at you* here? gen q!!#i made an image you like and now you are reading my word babble in some tags!!! what's THAT all about???????????#it's INTERESTING!! do you see what im trying to get at??#is it empathy??? person made something other saw something other made- other2other connection???? intrigue????????#.......all this is probably explained in some book or yt essay somewhere. oh well.#in the meantime thank you for your time! we can pretend we were stuck in an elevator together and then i started rambling#i hope you have a great rest of your day thanks for stopping by!! <3#maiora garrulates
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Which of your OCs has the fattest ass?
Unironically, it's my sona.
I based her off my irl physic, and since I'm a lazy betch digital artist I spend most of my time sitting and drawing. First I have a pretty large and round pelvis bone. I don't work out, eat little and everything I eat ends up going down my thighs and ass so my upper half is skin and bones, but the lower is... pretty full. Also, I've always been a fat ass since I was still little. My mother made sure she hammered into my head that my butt was too big and that made buying me clothes very difficult. I used to resent it, but now it's one feature of my body that I'm proud of.
No other OC of mine including my PCs can beat me/my sona to this
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I would love to participate in the 'songs I want in pjsk' thing but unfortunately, I know like 4 non pjsk vocaloid songs lol rip
#i did however assign every unit babymetal songs I think fit them/songs they'd sound good singing#why? I love babymetal an unhealthy amount#other than that. yeah#4 songs#aka abnormality dancing girl (? is that the correct title?) / monster / psychokinesis / alice of human sacrifice (maybe that's the title lol#that last one is a song I used to listen to a lot as a kid#I was obsessed with it#tho I'm pretty sure I listened to a English cover more bc I didn't know or understand what vocaloids were#oh yeah aren't hide and seek n uhh. Fuck. my r vocaloid?#so I guess 6 then. maybe more I don't remember#luka has always been my favorite vocaloid btw. I have a complicated history with then but like she's always been my favorite#unrelated but worth mentioning lol#pjsk#project sekai#zero speaks
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another comfort media. crash bandicoot cutscenes
#relic answers#I know I know I keep mentioning that damn game#but it is my Faborite Game Series of All Time so like#what do you expect#also can you tell I’m not doing well rn. going through my comfort media ajdnkcmckfmekskjxjxjenwjsjde#anyway. the animation on crash 4 is incredible I wish it was on a better game with a better story#WOAH HOT TAKE ALERT ‼️ 🚨 ‼️ 🚨#crash 4 was genuinely amazing as a revival of the series#as a game itself? perhaps it is my nostalgic bias speaking but it could have been better in some places#I am saltiest about coco. why does she look act and sound like a DreamWorks character (derogatory)#I miss when she was voiced by Debby Derriberry 😔#I know she was in like the n sane trilogy + ctrnf but that was still with her dreamworks personality#I need. her crash nitro kart personality#where she was cutie and sweetie :> and also beat ass when needed :> but also cutie and sweetie :>#it was a good contrast against crash’s wild personality#meanwhile in crash 4 coco was like. confident and snarky#which like. good for her ig#I just personally prefer when she was the cute smart girl which contrasted the fact that she could beat ass#this coco you’d *expect* her to beat ass#which I guess is fine#I just prefer the older one#myself#personally#lol#uh if you read this far thanks i love the crash games and I could discuss them an unhealthy amount 👍
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are there finally any fellow John Labat enjoyers? please? I'm so down bad for him and feel lonely with it, dhsdhfkjshkfhs </3
[I'm gonna watch MaXXXine tomorrow again. for him. my therapist and social worker said I should, so who am I to not do it, then, dsjfkhsdjf anyway, if I am able to, I'll write some x Reader fics for him. I'll be posting them on my main (@littleoddwriter) when I do! <3]
#sleazy old male private detective characters like him >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>#my taste in fictional men is truly atrocious but that's ok <3#but seriously i haven't been able to stop thinking about him since last Friday#and i've been chewing my therapist and social worker's ears off about him (because he's relevant to Things & they're encouraging me)#bless their hearts because they don't fully understand but they're happy he's keeping me afloat and-#-away from my usual unhealthy coping mechanisms right now <3#kevin bacon#john labat#maxxxine#i'm so excited to watch it in English as well! the German dub was good and his VA's voice fit the character but like you know#that one 30 secs clip on YouTube of when he meets Maxine in the hotel lives rent free in my head#because wdym that's what he sounds likeee FUCK#will have to grip my sister's arm to hell tomorrow to keep quiet and sane i guess oops#i'm a sucker for that voice and thick Southern drawl (i think?) <3
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Survivor's Blood (Leon x Reader) - Chapter 6
Survivor's Blood
Pairing: Leon x Reader
Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 (you are here!)
Summary: After Raccoon City, Leon became the only Government agent with that kind of expertise. With relentless training, he was now a Special Agent - again, on his first day in the job. He just didn’t expect to live Raccoon City all over again… Maybe Leon was fated to always have the worst first-days-at-work ever.
Age Restriction: 18+. It’s horror, so expect a lot of graphic violence and blood dripping from this. I mean, VERY GRAPHICAL VIOLENCE. Nothing we haven’t seen on RE, but still. Yee been warned
TRIGGER WARNING: Leon has a slight panic attack on this one, right at the end. Proceed with caution.
Author's Notes: Wow. I just looked at the last post, Chapter 5, I posted LITERALLY one year ago, on June 26. I swear I didn't plan this, life's crazy! Craziness aside, this time we have a slight smaller chapter because I wanted to end it with Leon having a small panic attack from his PTSD the poor guy. I recently watched REC, the Spanish found footage horror movie, and OH GODS, it's AMAZING. LOVED it. Took a little to find the one with original Spanish audio, but totally worth it - if there ever was a Resident Evil movie following the games, it had to be like REC; hence why I came back to writing if after such a long time. Also, I'm now watching the RE4 Remake as a movie - I'm a little sad I don't know any streamers I like in English who have played the game, so I'm watching with no commentary, as I did with RE4 looooong ago 'cause I was too scared of chainsaw man. Maybe I'll get to finish this story soon!
Chapter 6
Hospital Arklay Hill, April 29th, 2001 – 22h13
Leon stared at his watch – glancing at the clock on the wall, you understood why his eyes seemed so restless: on his schedule, you had to be at the school in less than ten minutes.
And that would never happen.
“Is it ok if we run a little late?” You quietly asked him, avoiding the ears of the other survivors. Neither of you wanted them to get desperate.
“Yeah, I planned it with a few minutes for us to breathe in case something went wrong.” Even so, his sigh showed Leon wasn’t too happy with that.
You almost smiled. Such a perfectionist. You could easily see how high his standards were for himself – and how much he wanted to achieve them.
“Well, I’m counting Lickers as something going wrong.” Your answer made him huff a quick smile. “Seriously, those things are awful. What was Umbrella thinking…?”
“They weren’t thinking. Period.” Leon’s words were dry and filled with a bitterness that made you stare back at him. As he checked the shotgun’s ammo for the last time, there was something sharp in his eyes – only Leon knew how everything that happened in Raccoon City affected his life. “Ready to go, partner?”
“Oh, yeah, choco chip.” You had a not so happy smile on your lips as your words dripped sarcasm. Leon couldn’t stop himself from chuckling.
“C’mon, we’re getting out of this. You’ll never have to think about it again.”
You sincerely hoped his words to be true.
*
“When we open this door, no one comes out. I’m gonna check the corridor and when I tell y/n it’s all ok, you can get out. Understood?”
All survivors agreed with their heads – even if you didn’t agree much on Leon going out on his own, seeing you basically saved his life, killing a Licker point blank.
You would do it again if you had to.
Leon silently opened the door, leaving the shotgun hanging on his back. You had no idea why he didn’t have it ready on his hands, but you weren’t a trained agent like him. He didn’t fully close the door so it wouldn’t click and you held it on place – your head almost glued to the wood, trying to hear any kind of noise going on the other side.
“What if he dies out there…?” Valerie’s whisper was almost as silent as a needle dropping on the floor – but those words were as deadly as a nuclear bomb.
Up until that moment, you hadn’t stopped to think about that – and, to be fair, you hadn’t had the chance to think. Everything was chaos and the only thing you were supposed to do was keep going, keep moving to survive that hellish night. But Valerie’s words had reason: what would you all do if Leon, the only one trained and seasoned enough to get through it, died right then and there? What would you do if a Licker shredded him to pieces and decided to wait for you all to come out so you would have the same fate?
If Leon didn’t survive, you probably wouldn’t survive – it was simple as that. But something else hurt in that thought… Yes, you had just met him, but not having him around seemed… Empty. Unfair.
He couldn’t die. Leon wouldn’t die. You would make sure of that – after all, you had fearlessly killed a Licker in the heat of the moment to make sure Leon would keep walking by your side. And you would get out of that damned city together, that was the only certainty you allowed in your heart.
Not wanting to make any noise, you held Valerie’s hand, lightly reassuring the woman everything was going to be alright. She turned her eyes to you, taking a deep breath upon seeing you so calm and sure – still trying to hear whatever was going on outside.
In that situation, though, a few seconds dragged themselves like a whole eternity. You were probably holding your breath, you weren’t really paying attention to that at the moment, when you heard a light scratching on the door.
“Clear.” Leon’s voice was but a murmur, one only you could hear, but it was enough.
You signaled the other survivors to leave the room: the man in the lab coat went first, followed by a father and his teenage son, an elderly woman and finally Valerie. You kept your gun ready in your hands, leaving the room with the door open – if one of those creatures tried to follow from the depths of the corridor, the door could perhaps distract it.
Leon signaled you to take the lead, keeping the shotgun locked and loaded as the scared group followed you towards the door – wincing as soon as they saw the Licker, covering their mouths so they wouldn’t scream in horror. Valerie aided the elderly woman while the lab coat man only rolled his eyes. The father, helped his son walk straight, as the boy was wearing hospital clothes. Leon watched everything carefully at the back of the group – also making sure he was listening carefully.
He had seen survivor’s groups like those – he had talked to Jill and Carlos about their many missions, he had conversations with Chris about his S.T.A.R.S assignments, and he had heard a story or two from Claire. Lab coat man obviously thought everyone was a hinderance, so Leon would keep a sharp eye on him as well: those kinds of people wouldn’t flinch at the chance of sacrificing someone else to save their own skin.
And even if Leon despised those types, he would save that guys’ ass because of his own set of moral values – not because the guy was actually worth something.
As soon as you reached the dead Licker on the floor, you raised your right hand so the group came to a halt – making Leon smirk in the process. You were proving to be quite a surprise and, if he was going to be honest, a very welcome one.
Quietly kicking the Licker aside, you forced the door open one more time – using your stealthier skills as to not make any noise at it. Holding the gun with one hand, you looked back at Leon and, as he nodded, you nodded back, pushing the rest of the door and holding it open with one of your feet, immediately pointing the gun at the corridor you had first seen that horrid creature.
You quickly pointed at one side, then at the other – checking it twice just to make sure. It was empty, quiet, like a forgotten tomb reeking of blood and decay. You furrowed your brows as something immediately came to your mind: what if there were other survivor’s hidden at the hospital who weren’t as lucky as those with you to have an old radio and ask for help? They would be left there to die – and you were right there.
You didn’t have time to search the place with Leon, though. Even if you wanted to, your heart desperately screaming you should delve in deeper and help those who couldn’t help themselves, you couldn’t. You had to save those you were able to save. You had to turn around and never look back.
Shaking your head quickly, you held the door open so the group could continue forward. Leon noticed something was wrong – as you stared at a bloodstain on the floor with an empty yet uncomfortable expression. He had to tap you on the shoulder so you would snap out of it, looking back into his grayish sea eyes, and finding them with a question inside.
You could almost hear him saying ‘are you ok?’ – which seemed to be something you would ask each other infinitely that night.
You nodded back, quietly closing the door and taking the lead once again. You made sure to guide the group through the safest patches of floor – those that weren’t slippery with blood or that weren’t filled with broken things that when stepped on could make a horrible noise. Keeping that pace, you would reach the door in no time.
As the group kept going, Leon’s steps got slower. Something crept from the bowels of the Hospital to cling into his heart; something wasn’t right. He kept walking slowly, trying to figure out that feeling at the base of his stomach – but you were almost there. By crossing the sterile white doors, you would get to the waiting room, then the main hall, and then out.
Leon halted completely when he heard something. Looking back at you and the survivor’s group, it seemed like he was the only one who had heard it. Leon immediately turned his head to the other end of the corridor – covered in complete darkness, looking like an endless descent into hell itself.
The noise came with a gentle gust of cold wind, sounding like a faint breath from something inhuman. As if the Hospital itself was breathing – slowly, ominously… Hungrily. Leon could swear he heard very distant groans and things being knocked out of their place, echoing through the halls and corridors, to almost fail at reaching his ears.
But if there was something he learned at the RPD that fateful night, that would be listening. He survived through carefully hearing and identifying how to choose a slightly safer path that night.
As you reached the white double door, you looked back to check on Leon – only to find him standing at a certain distance from the group, gripping the shotgun with both hands in front of his body, looking back inside the Hospital.
You almost let out an audible sigh. There was no way you could know what he was thinking without speaking to him, but watching Leon looking back made your heart stir with a violent desire of going even deeper into that hell to search for other survivors. There was no way a place as big as that would have only five people alive – and you couldn’t even imagine how harrowing it would be to survive only to be left to die in there, unable to save yourself.
“Leon…?” You risked a murmur, barely noticing how the other survivors watched you both with expectation – and uneasiness. “Leon…!”
As you slightly raised your voice, Leon seemed to snap out of it and look back at you. The worry in his grayish sea eyes was different than the one that resided in yours – making him wonder even more what in the hell was haunting you since you got out from that room. You signaled the double door with your head and he agreed, quickly – but quietly – regrouping.
That alleviated a little bit of the tension on the group – and, as you carefully opened the white door, they had no fear because Leon was on the back giving you cover. Just like before, you stepped in the waiting room first, checking every corner with your gun before holding the door open for the other survivors to come through.
The father told his son not to look at the dead bodies you and Leon had shot before. Valerie did her best to help the elderly woman to cross the path without falling. Lab coat man kept rolling his eyes and fidgeting, almost pushing the father and the son out of his way to reach the exit first – being blocked by you as soon as you reached the milky glass door.
“C’mon. Let’s get out of this fucking place already.”
“You wanna go first and risk being eaten by one of those things? Be my guest.” You waved at the door, staring at him without a single drop of patience left in your body. Leon had already been rude with the man before, so you took the chance to do that too. No one would tell you off if you did so – in a matter of fact, you were probably saying what everyone wanted to say. “Things aren’t much better out there than in here, you know.”
The man looked like he had just eaten a full slice of lemon and was tasting the consequences. If you weren’t in that situation, Leon would’ve probably laughed.
As the milky glass door jammed once more, you looked back at Leon only to see him nodding: you could go to the other room, he would cover you and protect the survivors. Pointing the gun in the air once more, you squeezed through, ready to shoot anything that might have come in during your stay in the Hospital.
And once more, Leon looked back – to the double white doors you had just left behind. Did he hear a… Stomp?
His heart trembled inside his chest. Suddenly, it seemed like the entire Hospital didn’t have enough air for him to breathe. Leon furrowed his brows as his heartbeat got faster. It couldn’t be. That Tyrant, at least that’s what he was told that thing was called, couldn’t be back. He had killed it, blown it into oblivion with a missile launcher – Leon watched as the only thing that was left from that Tyrant were its legs; tearing it in half being the only way to make it stop following Leon around.
For years after he left Raccoon Leon kept dreaming about that. Constant nightmares with that Tyrant following him, sucker punching him every time they met and Leon wasn’t quick enough to run away. It felt like his whole body was broken, but he couldn’t stop running, could he? Even if his bones turned into mush, Leon had to keep running – or he would have never left Raccoon City.
Even now, there were some nights Leon woke up with the sound of those steps viciously approaching him in his nightmares – only to have him open his eyes on his bed, sweating like a pig, barely being able to breathe. He could’ve escaped and killed the creature, but he couldn’t escape meeting it in his dreams when his mind was particularly unstable.
And he could swear he was hearing those stomps, right there in that Hospital, echoing like a ghost coming back from his past to haunt him in the present.
“Leon…?” It was Valerie’s voice that tired to pull him out this time. She carefully tried to touch one of his arms, knowing very well it wasn’t the smartest of choices, given the fact he was holding a gun. But Leon closed his eyes, trying to take deep breaths – Valerie was used to seeing panic attacks and that was the beginning of one. And her rescuer having a panic attack was definitely not a good thing. “Leon. You need to come back.” Her voice was almost inaudible, but she was close enough for him to listen. Placing her whole palm on his arm, she started to gently rub his skin, trying to anchor him back into the present. “Listen to me. It’s ok. We need you here, Leon. Please.”
Those words made him open his eyes again, looking back into Valerie’s eyes. The woman had nothing but reassurance, even in that godforsaken situation – clearly a seasoned nurse who was used to taking care of people… And people like him.
Leon took another deep breath, watching her smile in the process, finally noticing her touch on his arm. With another breath, his heart started beating a little calmer and it seemed like the stomping had stopped. Leon looked back at the white doors again, but nothing could be heard. He closed his eyes once more, taking another breath, and looking back at Valerie right after.
“Thank you. We need to go now.” With those words, he nodded at the jammed door – Leon and Valerie were the only ones left, with you helping the elderly lady squeeze through without getting hurt. Valerie smiled back, immediately going to the door to help you and cross to the other side.
Leon risked one last look to the double door, only to hear nothing. Whatever it was, it would be shut in the bowels of that Hospital forever – and he couldn’t be happier with that.
**
To be continued...
#resident evil#re4#resident evil fanfiction#resident evil imagine#leon scott kennedy#leon kennedy#leon x reader#leon x you#leon kennedy fanfic#long fic#re 4 remake#re leon#survivor's blood#you know sooner or later Leon's PTSD would've caught up to him#I like that in the remake he said he didn't have much of a choice to become a special agent#and the training was unforgiving but it kept his mind out of things#10/10 unhealthy coping mechanism love u Leon <3#but that's something I'm gonna add in the next ones!#now to the school to be saved by the Special Forces!#or is it?#sounds quite easy doesn't it...?
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in 2024 I wanna stop hearing about betterhelp
#elise's posts#SO many youtubers etc I like are promoting this shit#fyi for those who don't know it's a REALLY unethical business trying to take advantage of the mentally ill#and before you say 'but how else am I meant to find a therapist that does online sessions'#post-pandemic most therapists offer this#and if you want the whole 'I can text my therapist for therapy anytime 24/7' thing...#sorry I know it might sound useful but it's SUPER bad for both your own mental health and your therapist's#sorry but therapists are not meant to be there for you 24/7#that's not their job and it's really unhelpful for YOU to become dependant on a 24/7 therapist#betterhelp do not vet their therapists thoroughly#and some people say they have been evangelised to on betterhelp by preachers who ask the algorithm to assign them queer and atheist clients#many reputable therapists state that it's a terrible business model promoting unhealthy practices to patients#it claims to be the cheapest option but it's more expensive than the most expensive therapist I've ever had (I'm in the UK)#and significantly more expensive than the cheapest who was still good and probably more qualified than some people on betterhelp#you pay extra for the middleman#(being allocated a therapist you didn't choose and vet yourself isn't great anyway imo surely you want agency in this huge decision?)#and I'm sorry but pride counselling is a branch of the same company#please just look for therapists that specialise in your needs through a regulatory model and get in touch with them directly#not all of them have waitlists and tbh if every therapist on betterhelp is available whenever what does that say about them
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"You look like you lost weight! You look great!"
😭 I just put a tighter shirt on dawg
#WHY DO PEOPLE FEEL THE NEED TO ALWAYS COMMENT ON MY WEIGHT#OR APPEARANCE IN GENERAL#like shut up idc#oMg KeEp DoInG wHaT uR dOiNg To LoSe WeIgHt#i forgot to eat all day bro#i have unhealthy coping mechanisms bro#LIKE U DONT KNOW IF THE WEIGHT IM AT IS GOOD FOR ME ALL ANYONE WANTS ME TO DO IS LOSE WEIGHT#BITCH I LIKE MY BODY MOST DAYS#YES I PLAN ON LOSING WEIGHT BUT YOU MAKE IT SOUND BAD THAT I HAVE MEAT ON MY BONES#IVE SEEN THE WAY YOU EAT AND ITS WORSE THAN ME#BLAH BLAH BLAH I LOVE ME SOME CHUB#iDC IF U THINK ID BE PRETTIER WITH LESS WEIGHT#ILL STAY BIG CUZ I WANT TO BE#IM HEALTHY IM THRIVING UR JUST ADDING TO PEOPLE NEGATIVE SELFIMAGE#LETS TALK ABT HOW U EAT ONE DAINTY MEAL AND A FRUIT SLICE#like...dont comment on other ppls body UNLESS YOU KNOW THEYRE OK WITH IT#like my sister and i if we r actively tryna lose some weight or gain muscle we will comment on it#like oh have u been working out? or omg did you lose weight?#bc ik shes ok with us talking abt it that way and vice versa
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trying to give up my Zhongli hyper fixation for a relationship was really hard, and it's not just because I'm obsessed with him but also because literally, all my emotional regulation had something to do with him, so when I was feeling things I didn't know what to do with myself and it makes me upset because 1 why am I like this and 2 how am I supposed to have any kind of healthy relationship when the thing that would help me be reasonable in a relationship is also a thing that feels like emotional cheating
#its hard becasue this year is coming up to 3 years of this zhongli obsession and its not going away and I have come to terms with that#and as much as i love the fact that I can find solace and respite and calm in this fictional character I know it will affect my capacity to#love and be in a relationship because#as embarrassing as it sounds#i dont think i can reasonably expect anyone human to take up the role this silly fictional character takes up in my life#i cant project all my problems onto a real person the way I do with zhongli and a real person cant know everything I want like the zhongli#in my head does#so err wtf am i supposed to do because lord knows it didn't work last time#also like#trying not to think abt zhingli also made me lower my standards in my last relationship and i put up with a lot of things that i really#should not have and would not have put up eith#its really hard bc i recognise that its unhealthy but when a 2d character is what kept you alive during#2 of the worse time periods of your life its not the kind of thing u can turn around#and just let go of
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the whole " should i go ahead and apply for this house bc it looks decent enough and its literally the only one that's i can afford or would i be jumping the gun too soon and i should wait just in case a better house pops up" anticipation is soooooo 💀
#like yeah this house is good but could a better one pop up later??? btu what if i lose the opportunity??? hate this shit#cause if its a decent price for me then chances are ppl are going to dive for it as well and itll be gone in like a week#but real shit im ready to move on from apartments lmfao i literally cannot deal with People Being Everywhere All The Time#my evergrowing unhealthy antisocial ass thats terrified of being perceived is not having a punk rock time anymore#my own washer and dryer i will fight 4 u#plus the CONSTANT hyperawareness of making any noise ever up here is rlly exhausting im ready to take a shower at 4am and not gaf#not to mention everytime i get Too high my paranoia gives me delusions of all my neighbors trying to break in my house and kill me bc theyr#sick of my shit (what that shit is idk LMFAO) like every noise they make sounds so angry#idk man im ready for my own true space FOCK#ive decided im just gunna rent i aint buyin a house around here forget it lmfao#but hey at least i know that i know that ill be in an actual house by the end of the year and no more ''making too much $'' anxiety#but finding said house is 🤡🔫#ANYWAY this has been: roxy housing rants
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i am being so fucking autistic about a video game i've only played an hour and a half of and have absorbed like 99% of my information about through osmosis from my bestie(s. it's complicated) and fanfiction. catastrophic levels of autism. i can't stress this in words i don't think y'all understand. or care honestly sdflkjfdskdfsjsfdkj-
#puppy rambles#slightly hurts to know no one seems to really care but eh. can't blame anyone i know y'all follow me for rhythm heaven#i think i have been making high-quality posts though y'all aren't appreciating my incomprehensible rambles about persona enough </3#/lh#(which is funny since this blog isn't even really a rhythm heaven blog anymore i don't think that'll be my main hyperfixation for a bit)#(if ever. it was uhhhhhh. kindddddd of unhealthy. haha lol xd :3)#(turns out a rhythm game that i barely interact with the fandom for is not stimulating enough for my adhd and autism!!! shocking i know)#(i still love rhythm heaven but it was bad for my brain-)#(i'm happy for all the friends i made through it though :333 even if i've only talked to like. one or two of you guys cuz of anxiety)#(and even then just through asks because the idea of interacting with people on tumblr through other means honestly terrifies me)#anyways it's going down now persona 3 reload bops hard idk 99% of the lyrics though#persona songs are good at being incomprehensible. even if you can understand the lyrics i think they're kinda nonsensical sometimes#i mean. check it out i'm in the house like carpet. that's an actual line from a persona song#which is hilarious to me. funniest metaphor#anyways wiping all out is the best persona song i think (<- only actually remembers what like 10 persona songs sound like)#been a little while but i'm still prattling. not a princess (a lot of anger in it) not your cutie girlfriend oh no don't you know#three dots connect to rectangles. demolition#yes i did specifically play p3p and specifically as girl. i probably won't play it more for a while now tho tbh#i kinddddd of spoiled myself on. basically all of the important plot points. through lesbian fanfiction#look can you really blame me. like *vaguely gestures* the door and the toaster are fucking KISSING#they should undoor. i knowwwwww it goes against the game's message but. shut up. i like happy endings#no dead lovers allowed over here >:(#they deserve to be happy and not crucified
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