#i know it is. its because im always forced to be with my friend. i KNOW | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

marathedemonoverlord · 1 year

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So I think I'm over my Obey Me Phase or like at least over Nightbringer because it's Season was shit but just you know food for thought...

Aint it funny how MC is now completely isolated from other humans/their friends/family/pets?

Like my friend and I were talking about it and like imagine MC has HUMAN/MORTAL family and friends that they talk to every time they were separated from the brothers. Like whenever the Immortals really tries them or pushes them they can go to their human friends for like a palate cleanser and a clear head/remind themselves and ground them to the reality of their situation/support from NOT blind lemmings. Like sort of remind them that they're still human and not on the same playing field as immortal Demons/Angels/Sorcerers

But now in Nightbringer that's literally stripped from them; MC has NO ONE outside of the Brothers/Immortals they're literally FORCED to bond with their circle of dysfunctionals and its like now you are stuck in that toxic friend circle because literally your circle of support hasn't been born/exist yet. That's fucking horrific.

No wonder MC is far more clingy and annoying in Nightbringer than they are in OG; Every lesson is a chip away at their original personality and sanity to replace it to the codependent creep MC is now lol.

#obey me nightbringer #obey me #obey me MC #obey me nightbringer MC #MC is so fucking annoying this is the only headcanon i can work with #No but like its so creepy because i always imagined MC balanced their human life and their Devildom life to stay rational but now #Well now with no circle of human/mortal supporters like their friends and family theyre literally forced to cling to the brothers #Its so terrifying about Nightbringer thats why Im still so upset we're stuck in the Past #Its shit like this that makes me unable to enjoy Time Travel Shit like I want to go for Boba with my friends but I cant do that #No i cant do that because I got a toxic friend group to babysit #No but like MC seems more stupid and clingy so my guess is theyre mentally unraveling to the point they just dont want to be alone #Like begging for validation and attention from anyone especially the immortals #Pray for MC theyre going into their codependent phase now #Don't worry; just like with real friends theyre not gonna break out of this for years until they get the courage #Which we all know MC doesnt have the balls to drop the brothers/Immortals like bad habits lol #Ima play with this headcanon until MC stops sucking or we go back to the future.#I miss MC's family and friends who have to live with the fact the immortals took them from them again

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triglycercule · 1 month

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What do you think the types of drunk would the murder trio be? Im pretty sure ask dusttale already answered this question about dust but i have to ask the mtt expert

see now askdusttale DID answer the question. but they didn't ANSWER the question when asked what dust is like drunk. they just said that dust is the type to drink himself blackout drunk. so that mean i have total freedom on deciding what the mtt are like drunk hehehe (rubs hands together in a villanous way that you would imagine nightmare doing or something idk)

i already have an absolutely hilarious idea for horror and it might just because i'm on the guilt section of his character analysis but i could TOTALLY imagine him being an emotional drunk. like he CRIES. horror sans man known for being incredibly guarded and private with what he feels bawling his eye out. he gets mad he gets sad he does not get happy because horror doesn't have the right to be happy. he is too upset over the fact that he fucking DOOMED all of horrortale because of his selfishness and nothing can stop him from being incredibly vocal about that fact so much so that killer had to tape his mouth shut because he wouldn't stop crying so loud. and then he just silently cries until he passes out from exhaustion. the alcohol has an incredibly strong effect on him because i dont think he would drink regularly plus he definitely hasnt drinken anything in those 7 years of starvation. it hits like a fucking plane crashing into him. or like getting his eye taken out again. either one!

another funny idea i had for killer would be like the alcohol affecting him but he SWEARS that he's still sober. he is very confused when he starts stumbling because wtf he doesnt FEEL drunk??? why is he bumping into walls and tables HELP WHY DOES HE SOUND FUCKING STUPID???? the alcohol is definitely effecting him but he swears he swears he doesn't feel drunk. hes not drunk its just the damn body doing this stupid bullshit!!!! he's still very aware of what's going on and is basically the same as sober but just like. he's wiggly he's wobbly and oh shit he just fell head face first into a tv whoops. he'd also have a high tolerance because just because. he can drink without feeling like shit until he just blacks out mid conversation with someone because his body couldn't take the toll of all the beer or whatever. hilarious idea triglycercule thank you triglycercule i know

dust in the context that we already know that he drinks AND he can fight against the human while like partially drunk.... i feel it would be kinda like a giggly drunk situation. except dust doesn't laugh at anything that's funny he only laughs when someone gets hurt or something. SADISTIC giggly drunk. because i can already imagine a half drunk dust laughing his ass off after killing the human and its a beautiful sight to me.

anyways imagine how it goes when you pair this sadistic giggly drunk with another that wont stop going through the 5 stages of grief and another that keeps on fucking falling over for no reason in his eyes. dream blunt rotation but the blunt is a bottle of vodka. i can already imagine it in my head and its fucking HILARIOUS. horror going on about how he caused the deaths of others and manipulated and tricked papyrus while killer is just trying his best to keep his eyes open because for some reason they won't stop trying to close. he is surprisingly getting frustated. dust has long since lost his voice laughing at this and he's just silent wheezing at everything. also phantom papyrus is only making the laughter worse because he keeps on making rude comments towards horror and killer and only he can hear him and its guffaw inducing. mtt amazing friend group you dont get shit like this anywhere else

#killer's breakdancing and he swears this isnt on purpose guys #GUYS GUYS ITS NOT ME THE BODY IS DRUNK OKAY WHY CANT I STOP WHEN DID I LEARN HOW TO DO THIS #horror has SO much to be guilty over its not even funny. ITS NOT EVEN FUNNY #nobody talks about this but this man is GUILTSTRIFEN. he is literally filled with so much guilt its not even funny #dust and killer have the genocides they did. ok. sure. that's it????#ugh god i dont wanna ramble in tags again..... im just gonna end up saying it in the analysis anyways but ughhhhhhhhhhh #yk what fine i'll rapid fire. trying to keep people from killing themselves. watching his friends die.#knowing that other monsters are getting eaten. worrying papyrus. coming up with a plan he knows wont work and tries make it happen #because that idea of them deconstrucing the core would NOT have worked so he did that out of selfishness #forcing his community to eat humans. tricking papyrus into eating humans. going against all his morals #dare i need say more i swear AND ALL OF THESE ARE SEPERATE THINGS TOO!!!!!!#he single handedly DOOMED horrortale into disarray by destroying the core #the eye idea wouldve worked. it wouldve been the only way monsterkind thrived #and yet he destroyed the core but kept his eye safe. as if one last big fuck you #you can have my eye but you cant have the machine that needs it. good luck bitches #THERE ALREADY WAS FOOD IN SNOWDIN BEFORE HE TOLD THEM TO EAT HUMANS #THERE COULD'VE BEEN ANOTHER WAY TO RATION THE FOOD OR FIND S FOOD SOURCE #BUT HE JUST TOLD TJEM TO EST HUMANS OUT OF SPITE SO UNDYNE WOULDN'T GET THE SOULS #granted it was a solution that worked for the hunger problem BUT HORROR FUCKING HATES IT #HE HATES THE IDEA OF EATING HUMANS HE HATES THE IDEA OF KILLING KIDS #BUT HE STILL DOES IT HE GOES AGAINST ALL HIS MORALS UGHHHHH #horror sans. horror sans my king horror sans my glorious lord and savior #i cannot WAIT to drop that character analysis. it will change lives. and by lives i mean me #i will be a changed man once the horror analysis comes out #anyways WHO IS THIS ANON AGAIN. its a question i always wonder because wtf #you have a daily question for me. this is like a log in event. if i answer all the questions in a row for a week i get a SPECIAL question #but fr thank you so much for your questions i love answering them its so fun to wrack my mind and figure out a way to answer it. brain teas #every time i see the words mtt expert i laugh lowly like an evil villain but i try not let it get to my head #humility is a standard i aim to uphold. one of my character traits. triglycercule character analysis when #tricule asks

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toddtakefive · 4 months

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btw todd’s reluctance to join the dps because he doesn’t want to read (which is then accommodated for) and is scared to put himself out there (which is also worked through) being read as todd not wanting to go AT ALL, and thus neil making the proper accommodations (“todd anderson, who prefers not to read, will keep the minutes of the meetings”) and encouraging him to step out of the box that stifles him being seen as ‘forceful’ or like he can’t take no for an answer makes me insane with rage

#and him trying to stop neil from asking if todd not reading at the meetings is okay isn’t him wanting not to go #its him not wanting neil to ask because (as someone with social anxiety) it’s EMBARRASSING ASF for someone to ask for things on your behalf #literally just think about it as the meme of ‘when i tell my friend im hungry and he tells his mom that *i* want food instead of both of us’#and the whole ‘neil not knowing how to take no for an answer’ thing…… dont get me fucking started #the kid who’s had to take no for an answer his whole life? the kid whose first proper scene IS him taking no for an answer? are you serious?#being encouraging and accommodating and (admittedly) a little pushy when he’s got his mind set on something—#—is NAWT the same as not being able to take no for an answer or bulldozing through conversations with people #he and todd DO listen to each other in those conversations theyre just on opposing sides—#—because their understandings of the world don’t fully align at that point in time/the movie #which is totally fucking normal?????? because later on they DO properly align?????????#i feel so crazy about this every time i see someone say todd didn’t want to go the dead poets meetings because it’s so obvious he DID #he was just scared #and you know what maybe it IS a little forceful #but given how dedicated todd is to shutting off and hating and isolating himself he NEEDS a little forceful to be broken through to #if no one ever pushed me to do things when i was scared (as irritated as it can make me) i’d never do SHIT dude #and obviously todd is the same way because he ALL BUT OUTRIGHT SAYS AS MUCH #‘i appreciate this concern but i’m not like you’ IS about neil’s voice and opinions mattering to people but it’s ALSO about—#—him being outgoing and trying new things and putting himself out there #WHICH TODD WANTS TO BE ABLE TO DO!!!!!!!!#the moral you take away from todds growth is NOT that he has to change to be accepted because he DOESNT #its that he has to gain the confidence and belief in himself to grow and become the version of himself he WANTS to be #he NEVER changes on a fundamental level to make others happy (although his growth does make others happy) he just opens up more #and i dont know WHY some people think his arc is becoming a completely different person #like yall PLEASE #this isnt even an anderperry thing this is an issue even if you read them completely platonic #i blame the FUCKASS novelization…. dps book you will always be hated by ME #dps #dead poets society #neil perry #todd anderson

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mellotronmkll · 1 month

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I need to stop having one weird reaction with someone and then letting the anxiety decide in my head that the friendship is doomed because I ruined it like it's my absolute worst trait and I just have to move past it but it's hard

#i have to operate under the assumption that if people have an issue they will tell me but unfortunately this isnt true .#and it has happened to me in the past that i thought everything was ok because people were giving signals i wasnt picking up on #due to the autism so now im paranoid and constantly looking for signs i did something wrong and people are mad #and then i find them where they arent there which perversely does more to ruin a friendship than almost anything else #like the constant Are you mad at me... so i try to force myself not to do that and just #try to again assume that people arent however. im so worried about being blindsided Also of course i naturally dont want to make people #upset so if i am doing something wrong i want to change my behavior. however the fact its nuanced like #where you have to only do that a little bit and then take people at their word most of the time #fucking sucks like you actually are required in relationships to read peoples unspoken signals but you cant do that Too much #and if you misinterpet them its bad... but you cant ask for feedback too much because thats bad too. IT DOES MY HEAD IN actually like #it makes it so hard for me to interact with people because im just worried All of the time . and i have to be constantly like #ok check the facts and adjust behavior. check the facts and adjust behavior. make sure the facts are facts and not jumping to conclusions.#ok how do i do that . ok when do i ask directly. also people dont always tell the truth when you Do ask directly .#and then this is why my whole life i have mostly kept to myself and im trying to stop doing that but its hard because talking to others is a #puzzle for me that stresses me out more than anything else. man this sucksssssss can i just BE NORMAL!!!!!!#i know like Everyone has this problem its a common issue with relationships Communication but it feels especislly difficult for me .i #like cant fathom how other people manage very large numbers of friendships like even being able to count my close friends #on one hand i feel like im barely managing everything and im letting everyone down constantly but again i think thatsnonly my perception/#worry and not even true. god

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qumiiiquinnquin · 1 year

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i am genuinely so fucking tired being expected to know when you want me to stop talking to you and just leave instead of you directly telling me. you never fucking tell me. im supposed to pick that up on my own and i cant until you start saying shit like "im tired" or sighing heavily when you think im done or you just sit there on your laptop or phone no longer acknowledging me, waiting for me to leave. you wont even look at me. always as soon as i leave i hear it - you immediately hitting unpause or putting in your headphones and sometimes even going into voice chats to talk to other people. i wonder if you've noticed that ive picked up on when you're evidently tired of me talking that i just cut myself off and walk out. or i wonder if you're grateful that i finally put that brake on myself and leave you alone. im tired of being ignored and just talking to a wall. im tired of half-hearted acknowledgment to what im saying when you aren't actually bothering to listen. im tired of having to just leave when i realize itd be convenient for you because you're bored with my company. and its not just you - everyone in this fucking house, this entire family, does it.

#vent #its thanks to all of you in my family that i feel bad wanting to talk and why im trying to force myself to not talk much. as well as not #talk unless spoken to and only say what you want to hear #have you noticed that i actually stop myself from coming in to say anything to you because i know you'll immediately want me to leave #i cant talk to anyone not even friends. i barely have any friends that are happy when i talk and like to talk to me #why else shouldn't i be so reclusive? i know nobody will give a shit about anything i say no less listen to me if i bother to say anything #i stop myself from saying anything anywhere because i always mentally tell myself nobody will care or listen to me anyway #everybody wants me to shut my mouth and keep it that way

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torao-chan · 11 months

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man idk what to tell yall

im just. exhausted atm

#i am working overtime weekly to try and make sure i have the time off i need to a) not have a stress seizure #and b) be able to have the Paid Time Off for the Forced Time Off around the xmas holidays #and i am. so fuckin tired #i dont work a full time schedule cause I Cannot Handle It and its never more apparent then when im forced to work overtime #maybe thats why mikotos videos hitting so hard atm for me idk man #im just #im tired man #did you know #my parent approached me. about 5 years after high school #everyday. after school. she'd ask us 'how are you' and everyday. without fail. the answer would be 'tired'#or if the question was 'how was today' for once. the answer was always 'long.' or 'tiring.'#but ye. about five years after. after we got our asd & adhd diagnosis. and before we got our DID diagnosis #she approached us and apologised. something along the lines of never realising that 'tired' was the best answer we could give #because we were Exhausted #and i always look back at that and go 'what. why. what did you think of us?' 'who did you think we were?'#you never accepted anything less than the answer that made the people around us the most comfortable #of course we were exhausted #Tired was Always the Best Answer we could give Without Lying #what about your child who refused to hang out with friends optionally. who refused out of school commitment options. who refused to do any #thing for their birthday. their celebrations. their anything and everything optional choice was Nothing #what on earth made you think We Weren't Exhausted #fuck man. we had Annual Seizures from Unknown causes (hint; it was Stress and Exhaustion. A N N U A L L Y)#idk #mikotos video has me Tired in a way We Already Were #and working overtime recently hasnt helped #im tired man.#im Tired #personal

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13eyond13 · 1 year

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#how do people casually bring up that theyre gay at work hahahaha #asking for a friend and MAYBE because i find one of my coworkers cute and she is def of the sort of vibe where its like #i could see her being straight or gay both easily you know #anyways how do i just like float that without it being awks you know what i mean #im not one of those obvious lesbians people default to thinking im straight mostly #anyways!!! girl help i am SO BAD at showing interest and availability but #i feel like some groundwork needs to be laid before i flirt you know #and #im not interested in the game of 'oh you dont know what you are yet or youre probably straight but maybe i can change your mind' hahaha #im too old and tired for that now i just wanna meet someone #who knows for sure they like girls #not just like girls but you know... would be happy to spend the rest of their life with a girl #so i gotta find out #and we never really talk about stuff like dating or relationships so its hard to just casually mention it without it seeming forced #actually maybe this is why social media is useful sometimes you dont always have to find out by asking but #unfortunately i dont use it like at all except for shit like this anymore hmmm ooops #p

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noriakicatkyoin · 2 years

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Diversity win! Guy i dont like no longer kins kakyoin

#outing myself as a moron making this post anyway i have been waiting a year for this guy to realize this why because im spiteful #how do u kin kakyoin and ignore that hes like a little mean spirited for the funnies. a little hatred pilled. are you insane #this is a case of me getting mad about him being mischaracterized but im sorry it will forever make me angry #kakyoin is like the worlds worst autistic bc hes not socially unaware. he is TOO socially aware in the WRONG direction #thinks he knows SO much about socializing to the point he GIVES UP because its pointless #and HATES anyone who blindsides him socially and plays stupid games with him bc he sees it as cowardly #like that is the thing ? kakyoin is a speak now or hold your peace while i kill you kind of guy lol .#hes not uwu shy damaged and hurt guy who wishes he knew how to make friends #bro is crazy and didnt realize he was suffering from self imposed isolation #bro overly percieved his own weirdness and couldnt see himself intrinsically tied to another person (cough cough aroace)#and was like wow nobody understands me and im aware of this i am so Different tm i need to never attach to anyone bc theres no point #he has to have that attachment almost forced onto him (tho to save his life i.e. jotaro deworming him) for it to register as a possibility #he never creates an avenue for others to truly get close to or understand him bc he doesnt think they can #but then whenever he learns its possible then its just a game of him slowly allowing his walls to fall back and his mask to peel #and then his mask for himself also begins to peel and he realizes how hurt hes always been bc he doesnt even Realize #bc loneliness is All hes known #i lost the plot but also i think i accidentally just got myself out of writers block i know the missing piece i needed to come up-#with my fic ending. ohhhh boy #ohhhh yeah baby #l8r #youve given me unnecessary feelings

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mare-the-silly-scroingle · 1 year

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sometimes i wonder if my mutuals notice me slipping away and i wonder if they know that it’s not intentional and i wonder if they still resent me anyway

#every reaction would be fair #whether they notice ornot whether theyre upset ornot #or you i guess. i dont know #i wish i wasnt like this but i dont know how to like. be a friend #its already hard with people i am forced to see daily #but online? how do you do that #how do you form these deeply forged relationships #the vast majority with a few exceptions of my online b est friends ive ever #(1) not talked to at a consistent rate in 2 years #or (2) we talk regularly but never at a level that indicates deep friendship #some of my best friends online i know fucking nothing about #and i dont mean in the online friend way #of internet privacy i mean in the everything #and it hurts but its exactly what i expect? this always happens #at this point befriending me is such a bad idea that i wish people on this site thought i was drama prone or negative or mean #so that people would stop coming because i can't like. i can't handle that #and this isn't me saying i hate my online friends i love them i love you all so much #but i don't know how to do this #no matter how much time passes its like im talking to a brick wall #and we're both hanging on for dear life #and i don't know what people must be seeing in me that i can't see in anybody including myself

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joeymets · 2 years

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ughghghghhhhhhhhh

#fiaposting #vent incoming!!! sorry lmao #i just like. i dunno. lemme talk a bit to fill in the space #before the tag readmore #ok ok ok ok this is probably good #anyway #FUCK #i really wish there was somewhere i could express. you know. ideation. and talk about past you know ideation #without people automatically thinking im some whiny little traumadumper #or getting worried and forcing ME to be concerned about THEIR wellbeing when IM the one whos struggling #or risking being reported or having the fucking authorities called on me or some shit #everyones like oh if youre feeling like that you should talk to a friend! uwu #oh you should call this number! bring it up to a therapist! uwu uwu uwu #they dont fucking get it #they dont fucking get that its not that simple and it never will be #i understand why the threat of being reported or involuntarily committed is always there #its supposed to be to save peoples lives #i get that #but in my case itll be what fucking does me in #because of that threat i will never open up to anyone and ill keep it all sealed in forever until it really does kill me #and no one SEES A FUCKING PROBLEM WITH THAT #AAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH #im not gonna do anything rn dont worry about me i am just really upset lmao

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dirt-str1der · 2 years

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People call kazumaji one sided and theyre kind of right but i find it so funny to think if majima gets incapacitated one day and kiryu is walking the streets with an unloaded pistol in his belt (bait for frisking) like where is officer majima :(( he said hed be near the batting center ... because hes been so spoiled by the constant attention that when his stalker disappears hes like im so bored and alone ...

#Listen to my problems #i want to think of kiryu as spoiled because hes really been raised on so little .... just an excess of affection though. since hes always #‘the favourite’ i really think he tends to take for granted that hes majimas favourite which makes me fucking scream whenever i think of #saejima (seajima) receiving ALLLL of majimas undivided attention and getting orbited by him and he really returns that love with just as #much force as majima does ... kiryu looks at this and hes thinking Damn ! (bruno mars when i was your man starts playing). i really like to #think of this all the time because kiryu is absolutel and embarrasingly jealous but hes convinced that he didnt deserve all that attention #in the first place and it was kind of forced onto him but he never expected that majima likes someone else as much as he likes kiryu ?? even #more than that actually ??!! logically he knows that you cant just compare love like that but at the same time hes like hmph !!!! and then #spirals into the ‘ill see myself out then since im clearly unwanted’ pipeline #because once again kiryu cannot grasp that hes important to people and double somehow sees himself as easily replaced #its easy for him to help people hes never met of course ... you establish a rapport with a strabger and paint yourself as someone useful #eith zero emotional attachment involved ... but when it comes to your friends and family how do you speak to them :.: thinking avout when #nishikiyam was going to euthanise kiryu and broke down crying becsuse he cant snd hes like i still need you im nothing without you !!! and #kiryu was like. yeah. i feel the same way ... despite already pulling off some amazing stuff by himself while nishikiyama seems to be #stagnating .... use their own words on them because you cant come up with something true and beautiful on your own can you. cant say i dont #feel the same way either ... sorry this was supposed to be bout kiryu finding it difficult to imagine that someone whos established a great #deal of time and edfort in him suddenly takes interest in someone else worse that someone else was his og squeeze and YOURE the ‘other’#woman !! i really think kiryu sees majima hanging off saejima (seajima) and hes like i gotta go. say your last goodbyes yo will literally #never see me again adios. he cant even place the freling of jealousy because he thinks its nonsensical when hes laid no claim to majima in #the first place so he just attempts to amputate himself from the rest of the body and majima is like ?? we havent even had sex yet ??#all roads lead to kazumaji btw #wow i fell asleep before posting this last night but im still feeling it. i was right

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talkorsomething · 4 months

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The whole "go to sleep -> think about sh" thing is still happening. I know nobody was wondering, but it's bugging me. My blog anyways.

...

Well, we've gone too far past the "don't sh" territory that i don't think i actually ate all day.

(Owing to the shortness. No brain power probably and also i'm tired.)

And still. Without fail. The thought is there.

#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ #ed tw #sh tw #i dont think i'm adjusting well actually #every stupid little thing sets me off and its not even about me !!!#it's like i keep swinging between 'able to enjoy things like hobbies again' and just ... whatever this is.#it's not like ... look i exaggerate a lot ok. this is not moodswings. thats all. i'm fairly normal all things considered.#anyways i dont know !!!!!!!!!!!! what 2 do!!!!!!!!!#it took me all of guard season before i started really feeling comfortable with guard friends #but with this it's like... i guess i feel like i should know him already. and be ok with everything #well. i dont and i am not. i still feel trapped in the space i've been given.#and i dont get the impression that i'm wanted here really. more like i constantly feel like an intruder [...in my own house]#and it is NOT helping the 'executive functioning'(?) anxiety dysregulation either. i thought i was getting better but i guess today #proved me wrong in that regard. i don't remember what to liken it to.#i don't know. i was cursed with the ability to hear and it's stressing me out.#as always it comes back to being a little *too* self aware...#i know if everything was perfect it wouldnt be life or whatever but god i just want a place where i feel like i'm *safe*#take that how you will if you want.#what i mean by it is i'm tired of getting stuck because i'm scared of making a noise.#& im goddamn tired of being forced into the closet because of 1) of my circumstances (legally i cannot say)#2) the amount of anxiety i get over trying to (re-)come out to someone i KNOW isn't going to judge me in literally any way #well. i made my kofi page anyways. so maybe if i play my cards right top surgery will happen. i hope to fucking god it does >:[

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xviruserrorx · 4 months

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I don't understand why people get frustrated at things they knew were gonna happen because someone else is chronically I'll and it's happened multiple times before so it's not like it's new, like oh yeah sorry for existing like this

#family wanted me to go to this restaurant and to try their shakes and they've talked about it multiple times about going #and they kept mentioning it and just yeah so the said 'were going' and i just shrugged and said okay #we've been to restaurants times before and it goes the same every time with me getting fries or some type of potato or salad #because their safe foods and indont want to be sick and most of the time i cant eat almost all the menu so this isn't new #but they want to eat before we get these shakes (the shakes that are going to inevitably make me very sick) so we order food #surprise enough i order cheese fries that say they just have cheese on them on the menu but of course they lied as always #so the fries have bacon and chives and olives and a bunch of stuff and the cheese isnt even a cheese sauce #but cheese from the store thats been melted in a microwave on the fries and is very very oily and y'know great these are gonna make me sick #i force down the food as fast as i can and act like its fine but of course family gets mad that im doing this #they then ask after me trying to force down this food what flavor of shake i want and im probably gonna end up throwing #up half of the food i just ate and so i say no to the shake which is a gurantee of me being up all night throwing up #they get frustrated because 'we came here for the shakes' and i dont even know im so tired like #i font know what people want me to do i cant exist the way they want me to and eat the food and interact with the world how they want me to #like how do they want me to do thing? i wish people would tell me how they wanted me to do things and then i could do it #and i really can i can play pretend i do it sooo well i can eat the food you want me to and do what you want me to #but we literyjoked how i couldn't eat barely anything on the menu and we still got in the car and left and like #family is a bust my friends are too busy living and being with their other friends who arent sick so thats always hood to think about #literally got told to my face that she made a new friend (which is always good) but that this new friends reminded her exactly of me #and that they talks to them every single day and they've gone to movies and this and that and... i texted her multiple times #and she hasnt texted me back in months... infont think that lerson reminds me of who i AM i think they remind her of who i WAS #when i was sick very sick but still more abled and able to just exist #but yeah so im gonna write some fanfic - im gonna mod for something - then mod for another thing with really sweet mods in it #i wanted to rewatch a spn episode with the angels in it so ill do that and maybe work on a bracelet #and yeah... and then ill do it all over again and eat my safe foods and do the things that make me comfortable because fuck them #virus rambling

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yongseungkim · 6 months

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#like i definitely need therapy lol #not that i havent tried in the past nothings just worked/stuck like the therapists werent a good fit for me perhaps #so im trying to reach out again because holy shit #i want to a) get out of my phd and b) have normal fucking friendships #but its so hard right now when anxious thoughts take over SO much some days like i know i cannot do this on my own #i have good friends i know who will hear me out #but man its the same thing over and over again with me but in a new font sometimes i swear #and my friends dont need to hear all those anxious depressive thoughts lol like #once in a while sure esp my closer friends but all the time? nawr #i have been trying to journal but man the emotions just bubble up and i dont feel better until ive like said things out loud #so honestly just having someone to rant about the same issues over and over again might be nice lol .#but i need to find a therapist that fits which is the hardest part #i do think ive made small strides on my own which is nice #but the emotions are just so loud and genuinely affect my day to day like its so hard battling things on my own #im at the point now where im like this cant go on for much longer somethings gotta change #if i want to have a phd in the next year and if i want to maintain friendships normally #and esp if i wanna stay roommates with this girlie cuz holy shit its been a lot harder than i expected maybe #i dont think i can do it on my own without major reprecussions #bro its also been like so long #i feel like ive always had some human i was extremely fond of for the past ?? years albeit most of them were like fake right like in the kp #*kpop world so it was fine when it becomes a real person it is absolutely terrible let me tell u .#but its also been a habit like i didnt realize how terrible my thoughts w ys were until now cuz they really wernet normal thoughts at all #like i want to break free of having these kind of attachments to people in a way cuz the only way i feel like ive been able to deal with bi #feelings is by transferring them to a new subject which isnt what i want anymore #like i just want it all to stop!#i also feel like mentally ive gotten worse ?? than before ?? in some ways like #i dont know if i want to make new friends and connections anymore #the same way i was trying so hard in the previous year which is worse bc now my efforts are like #SOLELY on this one girl in a way which is NOT. GOOD.#ive been trying to have conversations with the third roommate but i have to force myself?

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roundaboutnow · 6 months

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ignoring how i feel about the military for 5 minutes, i just don't trust it. the government promises all these people housing healthcare and education, betting on them to die before they can actually keep up their end of the deal. the gi bill has let people down before so why wont it happen again? veterans STILL make up a significant percentage of the homeless population- despite all of their attempts to make it seem otherwise, america doesnt take care of their veterans. so even if you get housing and healthcare now, how do you know it's going to last? i just dont trust it, and because i CANT ignore how i feel about the usa and it's military, I don't trust it to do the right thing for anyone else either.

#politics/personal #friend of mine is thinking about enlisting even though i know hes in favor of palestine and im worried about it #i know it has nothing to do with the israel palestine thing its because he's got limited options and this would open it up for now #but i cant ignore that i dont trust this country to take care of their own let alone any one else #im scared hes going to be forced to do things he doesnt want to do and the government's just going to leave him behind #a few family members have gone through the military and turned out fine but that's not always the case and i cant be sure that will be true #for him too #my country is a terrorist state and it forces you into these corners where this seems like your only option and now you're a terrorist too #and that hurts because youre my friend and a good person and you're better than that #probably going to delete and write it in my journal instead

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the-silent-hashira · 9 months

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me trying desperately not to beat the shit out of my brain for not writing because i know its burnout

#🧤 through the void || ooc #i know it is. its because im always forced to be with my friend. i KNOW #but i want it GONE #scree

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