#i know i would have gotten a lot of hate
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well. did you fucking miss me.
#random thoughts#apologies for sounding in such a sour mood. life is fucked as of late.#scheduled post. i made this on 10.08.2024.#everything has just gone to shit. so far i've been eating less than ever. feels like my stomach is eating itself augh (':#(technically the so-called relapse started on 24.12.2023. but we are not unpacking that today or ever.)#and i am filled with this desperate urge to cut myself. really really deep. not sure how to cope with it#i also?? hate how i look??#and yet i spend all my time?? in this dark dark room?? taking pictures of my face?????#i'm not killing myself off just yet don't worry. i considered it but it won't be happening any time soon.#i originally planned on disappearing for twelve days. partly to make my friends feel bad because i'm awful#which. obviously didn't work. as i don't think anyone noticed or cared particularly.#but mostly because i can't fucking handle it. it being everything. my future feels so uncertain#i am barely alive. i love all the people in my life. but they're too far away physically and emotionally.#but yeah. back finally. although ciel disappears for a lot longer than me and if you know hym my absence would be a small stint.#ciel if you're here when i post this i love you please come back. ):#this place is so scary to come back to. i'm not sure why. i'm just. scared.#i'm not even sure if i want to return really. i'm having second thoughts now. i haven't gotten worse enough#and i can't say what that means. because in theory there's nothing wrong with me that's been speculated upon. so.#i don't think anyone would care if i disappeared for longer than this.#but being away is torture. and then again being here also sort of is. it's scary#fuck.#i can't get out of bed without feeling like shit. i don't know if i can come back. i'm so sick of everything.#if you're seeing this i'm so sorry.#I NEED TO CUT MYSELF I NEED TO CUT MYSELF NOW. I NEED TO. I MADE SO MANY PROMISES BUT I NEED TO DO IT NOW#I'VE GOT THE SCISSORS I NEED TO DO IT#I NEED TO DO IT RIGHT THE FUCK NOW#(<- tags canceled for now)
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Was doing so good holding it together today but now that I’m laying down and trying to sleep I’m tearing up and I can feel that I’m about to burst into tears any second now
#my mom called me like ten minutes before I was off work today#and asked if I had talked to my grandpa lately and I was like yeah some why?#I’ve been showing what I’ve been cooking with him and my grandma because I was proud of myself#and she was like oh so you know about his potential surgery?#and I was like. his what???????#apparently his pace maker is dying and malfunctioning and he needs a new one#but this is the third time it’s had to be replaced and as he’s gotten older he’s had a lot more health issues#and they’re not even sure his heart can handle getting it replaced…. he has an appointment tomorrow to find that out#and no one told me. no one fucking told me it was that bad and I’m so#like man my feelings on my grandparents are so insanely complicated but I do love them#I love them so much and they practically raised me and loved me more and treated me better than my mother EVER did#they’re the only family members I’ve ever been legitimately terrified and upset over not accepting me cuz I’m queer#like my mom and siblings? I could not give a flying fuck if they hated me for my gender or sexuality#if my grandparents had a bad reaction I think I would fucking kill myself#and idk the point is I love him and I’ve barely seen him at all the past few years because we live far away now and I never visit because I#hate the rest of my family#but what if he can’t have this surgery?????#or what if he can but something goes wrong??????#what if he’s dying and I’m only able to go down and see him one more time#and he could be fine. it might all work out and he could be fine#but man I’m terrified that won’t happen because WHY WOULD NO ONE TELL ME ANY OF THIS#and yeah no I’m fully crying now I can’t do this#he taught me to draw and he built the house I grew up in and he got me into lord of the rings and would take me book shopping#and and and I’m gonna fucking throw up#kaz rambles
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I'm trying to pick a major that I would be the most interested in just because it would make my life so much easier and right now I have like three ideas and they all have a million problems
#like bioengineering. that sounds great right#id make good money with even just a bachelors degree#but i dont want to be stuck with that my whole life. that doesnt sound fun to me and engineering is supposed to be a miserable major#AND MINOR#and its a relatively new field so not a lot of places near me have it. and the places that DO have it are crazy expensive#i want to get a degree in linguistics because thats something that sounds fun to me. i would enjoy that#im good with english and language#but what can i really do with a linguistics degree? and im not good at learning other languages so i couldnt be an interpreter as much as i#would enjoy it#i kind of want to go for theatre tech stuff but. idk there arent really any buts but is that really realistic for me? i stopped doing tech#in freshman year because people were kind of mean. im a quitter and theyre not going to like that and i havent done anything related#in so long so really what are the chances i get accepted for that#how much do techs make anyways? i guess it doesnt have to be THEATRE tech i could do tech for anything#i know people who tech for bands make pretty good money and they have fun#i lied theres four#i could do geology something but thats broad and also the best school for it in the state is UF.#im NOT going to UF. i would rather die. its a personal grudge. also they suck and barely accept anybody even though the school SUCKS AND IT#SO EXPENSIVE FOR NO REASON#i wanted to do marine bio two years ago but theres soooo many problems with that. including ticks#I HATE TICKS#“but joel. isnt it MARINE science? there arent ticks in the ocean” YOURE WRONG. TICKS ARE EVERYWHERE. also marine bio has a lot to do with#marshes and there ARE ticks in marshes. and maritime hammocks where id be spending a lot of time. you would not believe the amount of ticks#ive gotten from my marine bio and environmental management classes. its so many. so many ticks
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they werent lying that knuckles series barely has knuckles in it
#i pirated that shit Btw just so we're clear. also gonna talk about it a little bit in the tags#nothing too spoilery but also might not wanna read if you want to go in knowing absolutely nothing? idk#anyway he WAS a main character still he was present for a decent amount of the first couple episodes#but the amount of screentime he gets just starts dropping after that . hes barely there at all in the second half ???#and it feels like theres a lot of scenes mostly focusing on wade and his problems and not near as many for knuckles and his whole deal#overall it feels more like a wade show with knuckles in it than a knuckles show with wade in it. which sucks#and human characters having plot relevance isnt the problem here i dont mind human characters at all i think they can be really fun#its the fact that the human characters are taking over the story and spotlight when the show is called knuckles#and all the marketing makes it look like knuckles is the main focus#and i also would have preferred if they just went with a differnet character to be knuckles' human friend#because i dont particulraly care about wade. and the knuckles (and sonic and tails) i know would not be friends with cops </3#well at least the story wasnt knuckles training wade to be a better cop like a lot of people were expecting but thats like.the bare minimum#also aside from the issues relating to knuckles' screentime (or lack of screentime) i thought the ending was unsatisfying#regardless of all that though there WERE some parts i enjoyed or found kind of funny or whatever. because knuckles so cutesy as always#knuckles being a cute little guy is the most important part of the show actually#and i liked the parts with sonic tails and maddie even if they were only there for like 5 minutes#(i really wish those three had gotten more screentime. i feel like they could have easily worked in at least one more scene with them)#and its a minor thing but the opening sequence is cute. was honestly expecting just a title card or something#overall the show is just . kind of okay i guess. not the worst thing ive ever seen but still disappointing ? idk how to explain..#my expectations also werent very high in the first place#so maybe im being a bit more generous than i would have been otherwise. idk#and i definitely would not recommend this to anyone who already dislikes the sonic movies . youll probably hate this more#like people who thought the human characters got too much screentime in the second movie would lose their minds if they saw this
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someone on here will literally say "encouraging plastic surgery for the sole purpose of conforming to eurocentric beauty standards isn't actually feminism" and 200 other people will come out of the woodworks and chant in harmony LET WOMEN BE HAPPY and WHAT ABOUT TRANS PEOPLE AND BURN VICTIMS as if the post wasn't clearly 1. about womens' self image & insecurities being strongly influenced by the richest and whitest of society and 2. not about trans people or burn victims at all
#ive thought about it a lot and i know the main argument is that it's bodily autonomy and also having it more widely available makes it#easier for the people who really do need it to get it#but like. first of all the industry (and it is an industry) spends SO much money convincing women their bodies look wrong#if it wasnt advertised everywhere and if the expectation wasnt there to look 'perfect' according to the most recent trends#the amount of women getting elective plastic surgery would be drastically lower#second of all. yeah having more surgeons out there means more experience and safer treatments for those who really need it..#as long as they have the money#and for trans people as long as they have money and/or good insurance and/or all the required medical documentation and/or therapy#and at the end of the day you can criticize just part of something but not all of it. i feel like a lot of people forget that when they#start saying shit online. just stop and think and dont interact with people assuming the worst of them!!#when i criticize the beauty industry im never calling any woman who's ever worn makeup or gotten a facelift evil it's an INDUSTRY#it's systemic!!!#almost reminds me of how criticizing the patriarchy and systemic misogyny as a lesbian will get u painted as some man hating terf#i love men! i dont blame individual men for the system we're all a part of i just criticize its existence and try to work to dismantle it#and i know complaining on the internet is like a little raindrop in the ocean but still. it needs to be discussed i think
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thank god chappell roan didn’t release good luck babe in summer 22!
#i unfortunately had a homoerotic female friendship that ended abruptly and tragically#she was my best friend for YEARS like we met when we were 11#i knew i was queer pretty early on but it’s so painfully obvious in hindsight how badly she was repressing everything#we fell asleep together she liked every guy i liked she was invested in every female situationship i had#like it was so painfully obvious what we were but we were just an undefined weird tension homoerotic pair of besties!#she always wanted to know every detail of my sex life w women refused to hear about the men i was w#she would hold me when we watched movies she wanted to do everything w me and she hated me after we graduated hs!#last conversation was on her birthday haven’t spoken to her once since#this song has sent me into a 3 day spiral session if you can’t tell 😭#never fully gotten over her but i see her post w her new friends at her school 6 hours away like cool cool okay#you’re going to ignore i ever existed instead of confronting your feelings okay! don’t know why she wants nothing to do w me anymore tho#crazy stuff it’s been a year and a half since we stopped being friends but i think about her a lot and i wonder if she thinks about me#i have 2 playlists about her she still follows me on spotify but she didn’t even wish me a happy birthday#at the end of the day i hope she figures everything out. you’re nothing more than his wife and all that#this song THIS SONG SHE WONT LEAVE MY MIND#probably delete later. we’ll see cause all my friends are sick of hearing me talk about her but i can’t stop she’s been in my mind since#this song dropped so thanks chappell 🥹🥹🫡
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:')
#what do you do when you feel like everyone else in your friend group cant see or recognize how annoying a person is#sjshsksbsksnsksjs i cant stand her i get so annoyed when i see her or hear about her that ive just had to leave#and tbh my mental has been a lot better since......#idk its gotten to the point where i struggle ignoring her or being cordial because im just like “OH MY GOD get over yourself”#yeah were all sad it doesnt make you special and you arent the most sad either#people who make how depressed they are part of their personality / their only personality trait are my biggest pet peeve#and i think a big reason for that is i used to do that so i understand but like that will only make you continue to feel worse because#youre like always acknowledging the sad and youre building your life and personality around how sad you are to the point where you CANT get#better because sadness is part of who you are and it feels like losing that sadness is losing the only part of yourself you know and#understand#but no!!!!!#thats just how you stay sad!!!!#some people think if you arent sad forever then your depression isnt as real as other peoples and i think she is that way#which is another reason i cannot stand her bc she thinks im not depressed too just because i dont talk about it#bitch!!!!! ive tried to kill myself!!!! i have self harm scars that will never heal from 10 years ago!!!!!#but i dont make it part of my personality!!!!! why would i!!!!#ugh im so annoyed that i feel like i have to prove myself#and its like if im not depressed all the time then i never was depressed#when bitch i was put in a psych ward!!!!!#i hate her#tbh#im starting to think i cant go back#i miss a lot of people but bc of her i just hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh#vgobvent
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light/moderate spoilers for 3-MS but do you think jenny would have Done That if she and jeremy weren't on camera? because personally i don't
#not for broadcast#jeremy donaldson#jennifer hartley#not for broadcast timeloop spoilers#i think abt this a lot... i think abt this maybe Too much#i think jenny could have trained him to be a lot more obedient if she wanted to. i think he left a little cynicism in him on purpose#in the same way that their classic selves love to bicker back and forth with each other... its a game to her#any other worm could say something innocuous and get an electric shock#jeremy insults her *and* megan to their faces and just gets a verbal slap on the wrist for it#its a game to her i think. a game that jeremy just isn't enjoying anymore. unlike his mainverse counterpart.#it also really gets me how long jenny gives him to reconsider his monologue... she waits until he's gotten through the whole spiel#any other worm would have died. any other worm would have been disintegrated at 'wait'. but she hears him out.#i think her killing him was a matter of impressions. she COULDN'T leave him alive after everyone saw that.#but if they weren't live she wouldn't have killed him. maybe tortured him at worst. choked him out at best. but not killed him#as tumblr user mothbeasts wisely acknowledged: if she hates being called jenny so much why does her pet worm know her name?? 🤨??
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Lol am I real
#I fucking hate being sick sometimes.#It shouldn't be this difficult or expensive to just not die.#And since I know people who are more sick than I am and since I know that there are a lot of people who are worse off than me#I feel like a jerk for complaining#Sometimes I wonder if I made it all up.#But that can't be true?#I basically lived in the hospital?#I've gotten the whole “You don't look sick” stuff before.#But???#There's no way they're actually right??#I don't WANT to take all of this medicine?#I don't WANT to give myself shots?#I don't WANT to go to the hospital on the weekends?#or any other day?#I'm not having a GOOD time?#Why would I fake this?#This costs money?? Why would I wanna spend my money on medicine?? When I could be?? spending it on?? things that I want??#I'm tired
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havin a normal one 👍
#do u ever see ur irl friends hanging out w each other and get jealous bc u weren’t invited even tho u probably wouldn’t have enjoyed#the activity they are doing#god it’s always fucking like this. ive always fucking felt this since i was a kid and I thought it was better now that i had better friends#but apparently not#ive gotten better at initiating but fuck why do i always have to do it#i still need to improve a lot but man why the fuck can’t i just have people who want me around and make an effort to make me feel that way#im trying and its so fucking difficult to break this routine ive set and i know i need to try harder#but fucking god#it really doesn’t help that i have this notion that everyone hates me bc there is something fundamentally wrong w me#and i know im overreacting and my friends do not hate me#and that there isn’t anything so terrible that it would make every person I meet hate me#but sometimes when no one makes the effort towards you it’s hard to see that#it’s also awful bc it seems like the few times they do reach out abt something it’s last minute and i can’t prepare for it appropriately#so i end up rejecting the offer#and it seems like whenever i can’t make it onve i never get asked again#idk i hope im just being dramatic and my chronic loneliness is coloring my perception#anyway. i think i have therapy next week so.
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Not being good at art is the most frustrating thing in the world
#im such an imaginative person#i have ideas for characters and creatures and landscapes and animations#but no matter how vividly i visualise them my hands cannot replicate it#and the fact that it would take years of practice to draw something i can picture right now pisses me off so much#all of these amazing ideas only exist in my head and not being able to have a proper visual of them makes me so angry#i know art takes a lot of time and effort and practice#but its so so so so frustrating in a way that i cant totally put into words#im willing to put the effort in#but it really frustrates me that i could practice for weeks and see only a tiny bit of progress#i think this is why i struggle to learn new skills#my brain knows the theory but it doesn't know how to put that in to practice#i know how to do it but at the same time i cant#god i hate this#i wish id gotten into art when i was young like my parents and sister#their so incredibly talented and i know it took a lot of work for all of them to be that talented#im a good writer but its so frustrating that i cant have a visual representation of my characters and creatures and world#in a way that satisfies me#anyway thats my rant about art sorry#edit: nearly started crying trying to draw a simple face shape so thats fun
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oh my goodness lupita??!?!? D:
#whoever lied to her and hurt her is really lucky lupita keeps her private life sooooo private cause#that person otherwise would be in a world of hate >:(#her words are such a devestatingly enlightened way of looking at things though#lessons for life and storytelling#it reminds me of something i have held onto for over a decade now#not that i feel as worthy of love as someone as wonderful as lupita but#one time a friend looked at me and said to me: you have a lot of love to give dont you#and the comment confused me bc at the time i had just gotten out of a very bad relationship and was very painfully single#but since then whenever it feels like im the only person i know without a partner in life and everyone else looks happy#i remember that large measure of my capacity to love and remind myself that this doesn't change#its just without one single person to give it to#you can instead spread it around as platonic love to your friends#and that can be just as significant as giving it all to one person#it makes me feel better about being a lonely old curmudgeon
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You Put That Abuse-Related Term Back In Its Proper Context or So Help Me
#typically i like to be a bit gentler when i explain the fact that Trauma Bonding isnt a mutual relationship that develops when 2 people#are going through the same trauma#but ive seen it misused so many times in a row today that i underwent a painful looking jeckyl/hyde style transformation into a bitch#like nothing personal against ppl who misuse it since theres SO much incorrect useage#but its gotten bad enough that people who have actually been trauma bonded to an abuser dont realize they have that language#to describe their experiences#its almost as bad as the dilution of the word trigger and i personally see it misued more often than Trigger#i dont think that m#which is a huge sample bias thkng since most ppl i talk to have ptsd but like#but like still means SOMETHING as an observation#i think a lot of ppl who use it incorrectly would love to know the correct definition#but theres just enough ppl in the world who hate being corrected by acquaintances that i still often keep it to myself
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Sorry for being late today coming online, a lot has happened and I am trying to think about the best way to organize this blog going forward. For now though I will try to get the list updated quickly and read through my messages/@'s
#meg talks#mainly thinking about how best to spotlight people's fundraisers because so many are gaining and losing traction periodically#and some of my posts seem to get more reach than others#mostly what troubles me is i think that the more campaigns i boost the less effective it is for each campaign#i think that the small batches of donation matching campaigns that i organized with other people was the most effective thing so far#bc it guaranteed at least one donation to each campaign#i think i'm going to try to make other small batch posts too each day#like ''here are some campaigns that are close to their goal/low on funds/almost to the halfway mark or some other milestone/etc''#but idk. i just feel troubled and i think some people who have reached out to me think i have more reach than i actually do#i have less than 3k followers and a lot of them are inactive blogs from over the past ten years#ofc that still isn't nothing and im going to keep doing what im doing but im afraid people might be reaching out to me#thinking that i'll be able to give their campaigns more visibility than i actually can#im grateful that my master list has gotten some traction but the longer it gets the tougher it is to single ppl out#i don't know. if people have suggestions please let me know#for now i would really really appreciate volunteers to help w the donation matching campaigns#if i can have ppl committing to donating like 5 bucks to a handful of campaigns once or twice a month#then at least that's something that IS guaranteed u know... though i feel ashamed that i quit my job#and can't guarantee much myself until i find a new one#idk im just troubled and i'm not going to stop boosting campaigns but i hate the thought of getting ppl's hopes up and not delivering
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i'm really wondering if i should just remake nancy bc i'd like to write on here but my brain short-circuits and i get overwhelmed even tho it makes no sense. and i'm wondering if starting fresh would help??? but idk lol
#i know there are still people around in the fandom but idk who's active and who isn't and who would actually wanna write with me#plus the fandom is kinda dead and i know i was wrapped up in drama here and there (mostly in part to feeling pressured by toxic friend#circles at the time- not that it makes anything right) and i really do feel like a completely new fresh start would be beneficial. though i#won't be able to be too active anyway bc i've gotten so busy with life i don't have a whole lot of time to dedicate to rp even tho i would#like to get back into it! but yeah- i really do think a revamp would be a necessary step. i just hate the thought of having to make new#graphics lmao. anyway sorry for rambling but yeah!#ooc.
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being chubby means there are wars going on in my mind every single day with millions of soldiers dying
#the fact it makes me feel like i am immediately eliminated as someone to be romantically or sexually interested in for most of the world#and like. if its true that someone wouldnt like me for my weight then i wouldnt want them either but like. oh god. oh my fucking god#i do want to lose some weight just bc i have a lot of clothes i got recently that i like that i want to fit into again#and its not even much that i would need to lose. but even the thought of moving towards being skinny is terrifying i would never want to do#that. like the thought that someone could like me as a skinny person and think i was ugly if they had met me a year earlier and i wouldnt#even know is HORRIFYING.#its like. ive moved past the outward fatphobia of our world a lot. i dont really care about how my body looks im pretty neutral about it for#the most part and im happy that ive gotten to thaf point#but the fact that the way i look is a MAJOR part of how other people interact with me is so scary. and makes me so sad#just like jo march. it doesnt really matter how much work youve done on becoming someone strong and smart and secure and having people you#love platonically. at a certain point having no romantic love makes you feel lonely#and a little worthless. like oh someone has to know me really well before ever being interested in me as more than a friend nice to know i#inspire no feelings of attraction in the people i am interested in because of the body i inhabit. awesome 👍🏻#ugh. its whatever. its just a lot of contradictory shit i think about a lot and hate thinking about so much
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