#but sometimes when no one makes the effort towards you it’s hard to see that

[tearingdread]

havin a normal one 👍

[selfinflictedgunshotwound]

i'm kind of amazed how most of the stardew marriage candidates just want you to be their manic pixie dream whatever by agreeing with everything they like and plying them with compliments or praise or whatever (which is fine but a bit. Much) but for shane his romance is just you being there for him while he figures his own shit out... dunno why i never wanted to romance him before he's so good

[mortalityplays]

You need more free art.

I quit my job yesterday. Well, actually I quit my job eight weeks ago, but they finally released me yesterday for good behaviour. Don't get me wrong, I love what I do - but I do it for the wrong reasons. Working for major charities, you learn very fast that 'I want to make the world a better place' is a phrase you use to ask people for money, not to give them things. I was an ass-backwards fit for that world.

You need more free art. I need more free art. Everyone has felt the shift in our media landscape over the last ten years, away from access and towards nickel-and-diming the human experience. That lack of access is making life and culture worse for all of us, across the board. Paywalled news sites leave us less informed, attacks on the Internet Archive leave us less capable of research. Algorithmic social feeds and streaming walled gardens trap us inside smaller and smaller demographic bubbles, where we are increasingly only likely to encounter ideas that have been curated for us by marketing departments. Hasty efforts to resist AI commodification have only led to more artists locking their work away and calling for even more onerous systems of copyright law. This is not good for us.

We all need more free art.

So what am I going to do about it?

This is a question I have been asking myself for years. It's easy to sit here feeilng frustrated and thinking 'boy I hope SOMEONE does SOMETHING'. It's harder to take action in a world where I still have rent to pay. But hard doesn't mean impossible. Sometimes hard just means time-consuming, frustrating and slow. And sometimes it's worth doing something time-consuming, frustrating and slow because...I want to make the world a better place.

I'm going to do this:

1. From April 1st, I am relaunching as a freelance writer and editor.

This is the one that will (hopefully) help to pay the bills. I am a very good and experienced editor. I've worked on hollywood movies, I'm a member of the Chartered Institute of Editors and Proofreaders, I have clients who have been coming to me exclusively for more than 10 years.

Alongside bigger contract jobs, I am going to refocus on offering my services to small-press creators at a reduced rate. That means you, graphic novelists. That means you, itch and amazon writers. I want to help you develop your work, the same way I help large organisations. You can learn more about what an editor even does and what kind of pricing you can expect here.

2. I'm also going to start giving shit away. Like, constantly.

Next week I'm going to launch a new free shop. If you're unfamiliar, a free shop, giveaway shop, swap shop, etc. is an anarchist tradition of setting up a storefront where anyone can take what they like for no cost. Offline, this often means second-hand clothes, tools, furniture, food etc. Online, I am going to be giving away digital art. Copyright-free, no strings attached. It will (eventually) feature everything from print-res posters to zines, poems, tattoo flash, t-shirt designs and anything else we come up with.

Yes, I said 'we' - while this is a curated collection, it will feature work from a variety of credited and anonymous artists and activists, all of whom have agreed to give their work away to the public domain. Some of it will be practical, some of it will be political, but a lot of it will be decorative or personal. This is, in part, a response to recent difficulty I had finding somewhere that would print a one-off joke poster for a friend that featured the word 'faggot'. Enough. No middlemen - no explaining ourselves. Just print our shit and enjoy it.

I'm very, very excited about this project. I'll have more to say about it closer to the launch, but you can expect it to go live on March 27th.

2.2 I forgot to mention the ACTUAL LAUNCH GIVEAWAY

To celebrate my launch, I am going to be giving away a ton of physical prints. When I went looking for my old stock to see if it was worth setting a new (paid) storefront up, I realised I had way more old work in storage than I thought. This will be announced in its own right on Monday, but this is why I've been hinting you should go follow my Patreon.

On April 1st, I will pick 8 random patrons (from across all tiers including non-paying followers!) and mail them a bundle of assorted prints and postcards. The prize pool includes A3 and A4 posters, packs of A6 postcards, and printed minicomics that I've previously sold for up to £12 each.

You don't have to be a paying subscriber to enter - this is strictly no-purchase necessary. It is purely and entirely a celebration of the concept of GIVING ART AWAY FOR FREE.

3. PORN, YOU PERVERTS

Because I still have to pay to stay alive, I am going to be subsidising all this free art with the introduction of Fuck You Fridays. Starting from March 29th, I will drop a new 18+ short story on the last Friday of every month, over on itch.io (yes I know my page is desolate right now, don't worry I'll get there).

The first edition, Go Fuck Yourself, is about, well - telling your boss where to stick it. Julia has had it with her millionaire man-child manager, and is just about ready to let him know what she really thinks. It's a short and steamy 5k words, with a gorgeous cover illustration by @taylor-titmouse, and you can pick it up for $3 starting from March 29th.

4. ANOTHER BIG SURPRISE

I'm keeping this one under wraps for now, but April 1st will also play host to one more (FREE) launch. If you've been following me for a long time, you might remember the other significance of this date (no not April Fool's day, though that is certainly thematically relevant to this entire effort). That's all I'll say right now. Watch this space.

tl;dr: I'm sick of paywalls and career ladders. I'm literally putting my money where my mouth is. More free art for everyone and I'm not kidding around!!!

[rubysunnday]

take my hand

summary: as much as y/n appreciates anthony's matchmaking efforts, it's hard to accept them when he's the only man she wants. luckily for her, a fall in the lake allows her to voice her feelings in more ways than one

a/n: 4.4k of pure angst/fluff and, yes, smut

Promenading was probably one of the most pointless endeavours the ton insisted on participating in. Miss Y/N Moore loved going on walks around the city. But when she was surrounded by the ton and their watching eyes and gossiping mouths, it was hard to enjoy anything.

"Stop glowering," her mother hissed, elbowing her in the side. "Smile."

Y/N sighed. But she raised her chin and smiled politely as they walked past the Featherington family.

There was only one reason why her mother had forced her out of the house: the Earl of Newburgh.

He'd been courting Y/N since the second week of the season. They'd danced together at almost every ball, gone to museum visits together and he'd had dinner at her house. Twice.

They were practically engaged in the eyes of the ton.

Yet Y/N wasn't happy. She liked the earl, there was nothing wrong with him. He was a lovely man. But there was no spark between them. Their relationship just felt like a good friendship.

She had never confessed it to her mother, however. If she did, Y/N was certain her mother would swoon.

"I do not see the earl anywhere," her mother muttered, rising up on to her tiptoes.

Y/N tugged on her arm and forced her back down. "He might not be here yet, mama."

"He did invite you to promenade with him, yes?"

"Yes -"

"Then why is he not here?"

Y/N kept quiet. Sometimes, when her mother got annoyed, she talked to herself, grumbling about anything and everything. It was easier to let her talk aloud and not acknowledge anything - otherwise they'd end up in a fight and Y/N knew how they always ended.

As her mother kept rattling on, Y/N gazed across the crowd gathered down by the lake. There were awnings pitched up along the edge of the clearing, providing shade to the families sitting under them. It was a beautiful day and the lake had numerous boats upon it, gently gliding over the water.

Y/N's roving gaze moved past and then came back to an awning nearest the lake. It, and the carriage, were both light blue. The carriage door boasted the Bridgerton family crest and Y/N's heart stuttered.

It was as if he knew she was looking.

Viscount Anthony Bridgerton looked up. He was sat on a blanket, his youngest sister Hyacinth sat by him, tucked into his side. They were making a daisy chain together. It snaked down Anthony's legs, growing longer as Hyacinth added to it.

It was as if the world stopped for a moment, blurring everything out except Anthony.

"Y/N, darling!"

Y/N jumped slightly. She turned and saw the Earl of Newburgh walking towards her, her mother practically hanging off his arm.

"I found him!"

Y/N tried not to cringe. She kept her composure and smiled at the earl, curtseying as he approached. "My Lord."

"Would you care to promenade with me, Miss Moore?" He asked, smiling at her as he offered her his arm.

"I would love to," she replied, threading her arm through his.

Her mother giggled. Giggled. Y/N tried not to sigh but her composure must've slipped as the Earl patted her hand sympathetically.

They walked down the grass, past the families and toward the water. Y/N could feel guilt eating at her every time she glanced at the earl. She didn't want to inconvience him or hurt his feelings. But she also didn't want to trap him in a marriage that was one sided.

"Miss Moore -"

"My lord -"

They both stopped abruptly, hearing the other speak. The earl laughed, shaking his head.

"Please, go first, Miss Moore."

Y/N sighed. "My lord, I apologise but I... I would rather we remain friends than take this any further. I value you and our friendship," she added quickly, "but I just do not feel any..."

"Spark?"

Y/N smiled and nodded. "I know I am running out of time," she said quietly. "And any other woman would accept your suit and gladly become a countess. But I yearn for a love match, as foolish as that might seem. I want what so many of the ton have and I am not quite ready to give up on that idea yet."

"I do not think you should either," the earl replied. He took her hand in his. "We all deserve a chance at true love, Miss Moore. I can only hope you find it."

"As do I, my lord." She curtseyed. "I hope to see you around."

It was as if her mother knew what had just happened. As the earl walked away, Y/N turned, glancing over at her. She could see the fury on her face even from this far away. Y/N swallowed as she began to walk back to her mother, bracing herself for the fallout.

"Miss Moore!"

She stilled. The voice as achingly familiar. She could smell him and it filled her with a weird warmth.

Y/N turned. Anthony Bridgerton was standing there, hands clasped behind his back, wearing a dark blue jacket.

"Lord Bridgerton," Y/N said, curtseying.

Anthony smiled. "I was Anthony last week," he said, moving closer.

"My mother is watching," Y/N replied softly. She risked a glance over her shoulder. "I just ended things with the Earl of Newburgh."

"Why?"

Y/N turned back to face him. She shrugged. "There was no spark."

Anthony nodded once. He glanced over her shoulder. "Well, would you like to come out onto the lake with me?" He asked, extending his hand out. "To escape your mother for a moment?"

Y/N looked at his bare hand. Slowly, she placed her own bare hand in his, letting him guide her hand to the crook of his elbow. She could feel the warmth of his body even through the dark blue wool of his jacket.

They began to walk towards the dock set up on the edge of the lake. The sun emerged from behind the clouds, sparkling off the water for a moment before disappearing again.

Anthony held her hand as she stepped into the boat. He kept her steady as it rocked, not letting go until she did. Y/N sat down on the chair built into the boat. Anthony sat down opposite her, grabbing the oars.

One of the workers untied them from the dock and gave them a gentle push out onto the lake. Anthony began to row, the oars splashing in and out of the water. Y/N sighed, relaxing back against the cushions, grateful to have escaped her mother's wrath for a moment.

Anthony was quiet for a while. He rowed them away from the dock, weaving through the other boats on the lake.

"What made you deny the earl?" Anthony asked, breaking the silence that had fallen over them.

Y/N exhaled softly, letting her hand trail through the water. "There was no spark," she replied. "I felt nothing but friendship towards him."

"What is it you look for?"

"A love match," Y/N replied, taking her hand out the water and shaking the droplets off. "Despite how foolish it may seem, I yearn for a love match. One that matches the stories I read when I was younger. Whilst I know it will probably never happen, younger me isn't quite ready to give up on the idea yet."

"I do not think it foolish," Anthony said softly. He slowed the oars, holding them loosely in his hands. "Nor do I think you should give up on it."

Y/N found his gaze. The intensity of it almost took her breath away.

"I must admit, however, that I do not think the earl would have made a good match."

His words snatched her out of her dream. Y/N stared at him, affronted.

"Whatever does that mean?" She asked.

"Well, he lives in Scotland -"

"Do you have some personal vendetta against Scotland?"

"Other than the bagpies and the tartan and the constant rain?"

"Anthony, have you ever been to Scotland in your life?"

"Colin has."

Y/N sighed. "Your brother does not count." She paused. "Is Scotland the only reason?"

"Oh, I have a whole list."

"Oh for goodness sake."

Y/N knew Anthony had a soft spot for her. They'd been friends since she'd come out two years previously. He'd been a desired match despite his whining about not wanting a wife. Her mother had forced them to dance together numerous times and soon a friendship had formed.

Even if that friendship sometimes comprised of a very judgy viscount who seemed to make who Y/N was courting his business.

"Anthony, when will you realise that you cannot control who I court?" Y/N asked softly.

Anthony began rowing them back to the dock. "I do not claim to try to."

"But you do."

"If you want me to stop, you need only ask."

"Anthony, that's not what..." Y/N sighed heavily. "I do not get a lot of choice in this world, please stop trying to control the one thing I do get to choose."

"I was not aware I was," Anthony replied, brow furrowing.

Y/N didn't want to say it. But she knew she had to.

"Well, you are," she replied gently. "I appreciate the concern but... I do not have long left to find my true love. And you, Viscount Bridgerton, are not helping things."

She knew it was a low blow. All Anthony wanted to do was protect her. But he kept scaring off countless suitors - sometimes before Y/N could even speak to them. It was a miracle the earl had managed to bypass Anthony at all.

The boat hit the dock. Y/N looked at Anthony and could see the muscles in his jaw clenching. He cleared his throat and stood up, pulling his jacket down.

Anthony climbed out the boat and crouched down, tying the rope back to the dock. He said nothing. Y/N hated the silence. She'd upset him, she knew that.

But she could not allow him to keep matchmaking for her when the only one she wanted was him. It hurt to see him try to marry her off to another man. All she wanted to do was be with him.

She'd denied it for months. The feelings that had begun to blossom inside her. They had become uncontrollable now, taking over her entire being whenever she saw him.

She was in love with Anthony Bridgerton.

The man who was against love, against marriage, against happy ever afters. He had made his intentions clear and Y/N knew he was not going to back down on them for her.

Her heart belonged to him and he didn't even know it.

Anthony held out his hand to her. "Miss Moore."

"Lord Bridgerton." She placed her hand in his.

Y/N stepped out of the boat and onto the dock. As she did so, she glanced down at their hands, fingers still holding on to one another.

Neither one of them wanted to let go. Even as the seconds ticked by. Anthony ran his thumb along her knuckles, hovering over the ring she wore on her middle finger.

Then, as if struck by lighting, they pulled apart. Y/N and Anthony both took a step back together, not realising another couple were directly behind them.

There was a yelp of surprise. It was a tangle of limbs and ropes and suddenly, Y/N found herself hitting the water. For a moment, she was blinded, but then she found her way upright and surfaced.

She turned her head, catching the splash as Anthony awkwardly surfaced from the depths of the lake, arms wheeling. The other man they'd knocked into the water was glowering at them but Y/N didn't care.

In fact, she was finding the entire situation highly amusing.

A crowd had gathered at the edge of the dock, her mother among them. Anthony was angrily shedding his jacket and cravat, slinging them into the water.

Y/N made the mistake of looking over.

His white shirt was near see through thanks to the water. It clung to his torso, highlighting the muscles and giving her a near clear view of everything.

Her cheeks began to burn and Y/N turned away quickly.

"Anthony, are you okay?"

Y/N looked up at the dock. Daphne Bridgerton, Anthony's sister, was stood at the edge, looking down at them, his brother Benedict next to them.

Benedict looked as amused as Y/N did at the whole situation.

"No," he grunted. "This idiot decided to tie his boat where there was no space!"

"You walked into me, my lord!"

Y/N rolled her eyes as the two man began to bicker. She half swam, half waded away back to the dock. The crowd moved back as she put her hands on the edge and pushed herself up onto it, gratefully accepting Benedict's help as he pulled her back onto dry land.

She knew she looked a mess. Her dress was covered in grime from the lake and there was a stray twig stuck in her hair. Yet she didn't seem to care.

Y/N shook her head, pulling the twig out. She looked up as Benedict straightened, giving her a smile. He held out his hand and pulled her to her feet

Y/N watched as Benedict crouched back down and offered a hand to his brother. Anthony slapped it aside, glowering at Benedict as he laughed at his brother's misfortune.

Anthony clambered back up onto the dock and snatched a towel from one of the workers hovering hesitantly nearby. He marched off, giving Y/N a tilt of the head as he passed by.

Y/N watched him leave. A shiver danced through her body and she wrapped her arms around herself. A warm jacket landed around her shoulders.

"So you have a reason to come by," Benedict whispered in her ear as he stepped back.

Y/N smiled up at him, pulling the jacket tight around her.

She knocked on the front door of Bridgerton house, Benedict's freshly laundered jacket in her hand. It wasn't long before the butler opened the door and ushered her inside, taking her calling card.

Y/N waited in the foyer for a moment, admiring the paintings and the walls. Then, the butler appeared again and guided her up the stairs to the drawing room.

"Y/N!"

She'd barely taken one step inside the room before Hyacinth came barreling at her, wrapping her arms around her waist.

"Hyacinth," Violet admonished, hurrying over. "Please do not ambush Miss Moore."

Hyacinth beamed up at Y/N before skipping away, back to her marbles.

"Miss Moore - Y/N," Violet corrected, seeing Y/N open her mouth to do so, "what do we owe the pleasure?"

Y/N held up the jacket. "I believe this is your son's." She paused. "The artistic one."

Violet chuckled, taking the jacket from Y/N. "Thank you," she replied. "I do apologise for what -"

"Oh, it was not anyone's fault," Y/N said, shrugging. "A funny accident was all it was."

Violet sighed. "I wish Anthony saw it that way. He is still rather angry at being pushed into the lake."

Y/N knew that, whilst he probably was angry at that, it wasn't the only thing. Yet, she did not say so aloud.

"I apologise for the lack of people here," Violet continued. "All of them are out. Bar Anthony, he's in his office."

"Not to worry, I only came to drop the jacket off," Y/N replied. She paused, hesitating to ask her next question.

"What is it, Y/N?" Violet asked, her mother's instinct isntantly reading the heistation on Y/N's face.

"I may have said some things to your son that upset him," she admitted softly. "I should not have done so but..." She sighed. "I cannot explain it myself, to be honest."

Violet nodded, eyes full of understanding. "You do not need to. Your relationship with Anthony is a special one. I do hope that this does not ruin it." Violet smiled. "I always think it best to be honest with someone, Y/N. Even if it's scary. It almost always helps things."

Y/N nodded. "Thank you."

As she turned to go, Violet called her name, halting her.

"His office is behind the stairs," Violet said.

Y/N smiled at the older woman. She turned and made her way down the stairs. As she got to the bottom, she turned to the right instead of heading for the front door.

It was easy to spot Anthony's office. The door was slightly ajar and she could see his jacket, abandoned on a chair by the fireplace.

Y/N knocked gently on the door.

"Just a moment, Hy," Anthony called.

Y/N stepped in, peering round the door, holding on to the edge. "Should I be flattered that you assumed I was Hyacinth?"

Anthony looked up sharply, his quill scratching along the parchment in one, thick, ink heavy line. "Miss Moore."

"I believe it was Y/N the other day," she replied, throwing his own words back at him, hoping to lighten the tension.

It didn't work.

"Why are you here?" Anthony asked, gripping his quill tightly.

"I came to return Benedict's jacket," she replied.

His reaction was obvious, despite how hard he tried to hide it. His shoulders slumped and his demeanour changed.

"Ah," Anthony replied, turning back to his papers. "Did you get lost?"

"I came to see you as well," Y/N replied. She was still hiding behind the door. "But only if you'll hear me out."

"I might."

"And if you stop being so rude."

At that, Anthony looked up again. He stood up, pushing back his chair. "What do you want, Y/N?" He asked, walking over to a cabinet and opening the doors.

"To apologise for what I said," Y/N replied, edging further into the room. "I was stressed amongst many other things and I took it out on you. Of course I value your opinion and I appreciate your assistance."

"You did not seem to the other day."

"Well, I was having conflicting feelings."

Anthony scoffed. Y/N watched him pour out a glass of whiskey and drink it in one.

Y/N sighed softly. She walked further into the room, pushing the door shut behind her. "The truth is, Anthony, that... as much as I appreciate your matchmaking skills and your assistance with this whole thing I..." Y/N trailed off.

She could still change her mind. She could still lie to him, claim innocence.

But she didn't want to.

Now was her chance to tell him. To let it all out. It would hurt. The denial would sting. But she would get over it. And then maybe, she could find another match.

"I cannot have the man I love trying to marry me off to other men when the only one I want is him."

Anthony's glass clinked against the bottle he was holding. He went very still, frozen mid-pour. Y/N let the confession settle, the silence grow. She moved closer to him, the heels of her shoes against the wooden floor the loudest sound she'd ever heard.

"I can’t get you out of my head," she admitted softly. "You haunt my dreams at night and in the day. I find myself searching for you where ever I go, yearning just to hear your voice, to feel your hand in mine… your lips against my skin.

"You torment my very being. Whenever I see you, whenever I hear you there’s a spark inside me that demands to be let out. A spark that doesn’t exist with anyone but you, Anthony."

Anthony set the bottle down and turned to face her. Y/N didn't know how she expected him to react but the tears brimming in his eyes was not high on the list.

"I know that this might not be what you wish to happen," she added quickly, stepping even closer, "and if that is the case, I will walk away right now and forget this ever happened." She paused, breathing deeply. "But I think there is something, deep down inside, that yearns for this too."

That god awful silence fell again. The clock chimed from the mantle place, indicating that it was inching close to six o'clock. Anthony stared at her. Y/N stared at him. She let her fingers grip her skirt tightly.

"I will admit," Anthony said softly, his voice hoarse, "that I have felt something too. For a long time I have denied it." He swallowed. "I loved my father deeply and his loss aches even today. I fear to love anyone else as much or to allow anyone to love me as much because I do not wish to inflict that ache on anyone else.

"But what I have discovered since meeting you, Y/N Moore, is that the ache means that the love was so great, it cannot be put into words. We know what happens in the end, yet we love anyway. It has taken me a long time to accept that. To accept that falling in love will only mean more pain, more heart ache. But for you, I am willing to accept that. For you, I am willing to love again."

Y/N couldn't breathe. At some point during Anthony's confession, her breath had been stolen away by his words.

Here they were, baring their open and broken souls to one another. It shouldn't have felt this good. It shouldn't have brought her the relief it was.

Anthony stepped closer. Y/N followed his gaze, never breaking away. He lowered his lips to hers. It was slow and delicate yet the desire was there, the need for more was there. He pressed hard, pushing her lips apart slightly, wanting even more.

Then, they broke apart. Anthony took a step back. Y/N looked at him, breathing heavily. Anthony looked at her, his dark eyes burning into her soul.

There was a moment of stillness. A moment of calm.

Then Anthony surged forward, as did Y/N. They collide. His hands wrapped around her waist as he captured her lips again. They were desperate to devour one another, to know each others bodies, to feel one another after denying their feelings for so long.

Anthony lifted Y/N up and she wrapped her legs around his waist, never once breaking their kiss. He walked back and sat her on the desk, knocking over trinkets and piles of papers. His hands were frantic, desperately undoing the hooks at the back of her dress as she undid his waistcoat.

Desire coursed through them. The need to hold one another overwhelming them both. Y/N's dress fell down from her shoulders and ended up on the floor, forgotten.

As Anthony stepped back, Y/N jumped off the desk and pulled Anthony forward by his cravat. She smiled, licking her swollen lips as she pushed him down until he was kneeling in front of her.

Anthony chuckled, his hands reaching up and pulling down her stockings from around her thighs. Her drawers followed next. Anthony's hands danced over her hips and upper thighs as he guided the material down.

Y/N's hands caressed his face and combed through his hair with her fingers as he undressed her and Anthony tried not to moan in delight. He paused as her hands came around his throat, undoing the cravat and then drifting down to his shirt.

Teasingly, Y/N pulled the edge up, letting her nail lightly drag across his skin. A tremor went through his body, desire flaring between his legs. The shirt landed on the floor next to her dress.

Anthony paused, looking at her. “I will stop if you want me to,” he said softly.

"Please don’t.”

Anthony realised just how much he liked her begging.

Y/N lowered herself to her knees, looking Anthony in the eye. He recognised the look in her eyes and he slowly lowered himself down to the floor, the rug brushing his bare back.

She knelt over him, fingers dancing over his chest. Her hands moved down, brushing between his legs. He nearly came undone there and then. Y/N undid his trousers, sliding the fabric down his legs until they were both exposed.

Y/N lowered herself onto him, a sweetness growing between her legs as she did so. She yearned to reach down and relieve it. Instead, she straightened up, resting on top of Anthony. He tilted his head back, a groan burning in his throat. He let her warm to him, to his touch, and then he arched up slightly, encouraging her movements. Y/N moved with him, their limbs becoming one, entangling with the other.

Anthony reached the horizon of his desire, feeling it's release all over. Y/N rested a hand on his chest, breathing hard. She leant down, kissing his lips, the space behind his ear, his collarbone. She brushed her hand along the side of his face, taking in every mole, every detail.

Anthony took her face in his hands. He gently guided her up, until they were both kneeling again. Then, he pushed her backwards, letting her lower herself onto the floor. Y/N laid on the rug, looking up at Anthony, her eyes caught in his gaze. He knelt over her, his knees either side of her waist, his knee brushing her bare skin.

He smirked as slowly lowered himself downward, caressing every part of her body as he went. His hands ran over her covered breasts, hovering for a moment, before moving down to her stomach. He paused at her thighs and then, when he heard her whimper, went down further, to the sweet spot that yearned to be touched.

Y/N splayed her hands out against the rug as the sweetness between her thighs was eased by hands that knew exactly what to do and a tongue that knew just where to touch.

She didn't even hear the noises she made, so absorbed in the feeling of Anthony's fingers inside her. Her hips bucked up and he pushed them back to the floor, resting his other hand against her abdomen.

Needing something to grasp onto, Y/N reached for his hand. Anthony found it and gripped it tightly, riding with her as each surge of breath came in quick succession.

Y/N arched up, her head tilted back, exposing her throat, as she crested the wave of her release. Anthony finished off as she fell back against the rug, her skin glowing with sweat.

He laid down next to her, his hand coming to lie against her chest. He could feel her heart beating through the corset she still wore.

Neither one spoke - they didn’t need to. Y/N closed her eyes and turned her head, nestling into Anthony’s neck and breathing in deeply. His cologne was stronger there, evidently where he’d rolled it on that morning. Anthony’s thumb rubbed back and forth along her back.

In stark contrast from the hunger and desire that had gripped them moments earlier, they were both settled now. Anthony’s kiss was soft on her cheek, his hands gentle as he caressed her bare skin. Y/N found herself drawing circles on his bare back, following imaginary lines along the divot of his spine.

She sighed softly and relaxed further into his embrace, closing her eyes as she listened to Anthony’s heart beating in time with hers.

She awoke hours later. The candles had burnt down and the sky was dark outside the window. She was still in Anthony’s embrace, his hand lazily flung across her stomach, fingers on her thigh. She turned her head to look at him and he blinked at her sleepily, his hair mussed.

“I suspect I might have to marry you now,” Anthony whispered, tucking her hair behind her ear. He pressed a kiss to her forehead.

“I suspect you might, Lord Bridgerton” Y/N replied, smiling back. She brushed her hand through his hair. “Luckily for you, I’m all yours.”

“Lucky for me indeed,” Anthony murmured, pressing his lips to hers once more. Slowly. Deliberately.

For they had all the time in the world now.

[theostrophywife]

my collar.

pairing: theodore nott x reader.

song inspiration: she's my collar by gorillaz (feat. kali uchis)

author's note: sometimes theo just needs to be put in his place and i'm more than happy to deliver that 😏

It was heinous.

It was criminal. 

It was downright torturous.

Your boyfriend leaned over, his lips grazing your earlobe as he lowered his voice to a husky, seductive tone. “Are you okay, principessa? You seem a little distracted.” 

Crimson colored your cheeks as you straightened against the wingback chair, clearing your throat while you looked around the table, which was currently occupied by your closest friends. All of which were none the wiser to the effect Theo had on you tonight. 

“I’m fine,” you squeaked out. 

“Really?” Theo drawled, sliding his hand down your thigh and squeezing firmly. “Because you haven’t stopped shaking your leg since dinner started. A shame. Malfoy flew in a private chef from France. He really wants to impress his girl. I know what that’s like.” 

You inhaled sharply as his hand trailed higher, his rough and calloused fingers slipping underneath the slit of your dress. “Teddy, please…” 

“Begging already, dolcezza? I thought we agreed to save that for the bedroom.” 

The teasing and taunting, the push and pull, the cat and mouse routine between you and Theo had been constant all night. Punishment for turning down his proposal for a quickie before dinner. It was hard enough to say no to Theo on a normal day, but declining your boyfriend’s proposition of hot, frantic sex while he looked absolutely sinful in a custom three piece suit was nearly impossible. Not to mention painful. 

Still, if you’d taken him up on the offer, you most likely would’ve never made it to dinner. You couldn’t do that to Draco. He needed emotional support. Tonight was his first time ingratiating Hermione into your friend group and you promised that you’d do everything in your power to make her feel welcome. 

With a sigh, you pried Theo’s fingers off of your thigh. “Behave, Theodore.” Your boyfriend pouted like a petulant child. “Draco needs us.” 

You nodded towards the blonde who looked equally panicked and appalled while Blaise recounted embarrassing stories to Hermione. The golden girl seemed amused by the antics, but Malfoy was anything but. 

“Save him before he ruptures a blood vessel,” you murmured to your boyfriend. For good measure, you batted your lashes up at him and gave him a look that he couldn’t refuse. “Please, baby.” 

Theo sighed, mumbling in Italian under his breath. “Gentlemen. Care for a cigar?” 

Thankfully, Zabini’s plan to embarrass the hell out of Draco was momentarily forgotten. Crisis averted. Draco shot you a grateful look, knowing that you were most likely behind the save. Salazar knows that Theo would’ve delighted in the effort of sullying his oldest friend’s reputation if he hadn’t been distracted. 

The boys rose from their chairs, excusing themselves from the room. Theo lingered beside you, dipping his head to place a kiss right underneath your jaw. He sucked lightly on the sweet spot and smirked as you melted against him. The bastard was playing dirty. 

“You owe me for that, cara mia.” 

Desire bloomed in your core, flooding heat through your body as you peered at your boyfriend. You couldn’t help but admire him in his suit. The midnight blue fabric draped over his tall and lean figure like your own personal gift and the deep stormy color brought out his eyes. You flushed as he turned, training his intense gaze on you like he was savoring the sight. With a cheeky grin, Theo shot you a wink before slipping out the door. 

Beside you, Pansy tutted in disapproval. “Get a hold of yourself, Y/N.” 

You flushed as Hermione bit back a grin. The curly haired witch patted your hand. “You have my sympathy. When I first saw Draco in a suit, I nearly spilled wine all over myself.” 

“See, Pans. I’m not the only one,” you murmured in self-defense. “I can’t help it.” 

Pansy shook her head, her glossy bob grazing her chin. “You can and you will. Don’t let Nott turn you into a simpering mess. The Y/N I know would bring a man to his knees.” 

Hermione nodded in agreement. “I think Pansy’s right. You should show Theo who’s really in control.” 

You smirked as an idea started forming in your head. “You’re more devious than you look, aren’t you, Granger?” Hermione flashed you an innocent smile, which made you laugh. Draco had his work cut out for him. You liked her all the more for it. “You two have a point. Maybe I’ll give my boyfriend a taste of his own medicine tonight.” 

Once your mind was made up, the three of you moved on to more important topics. You were fascinated to hear about Hermione’s work on curing lycanthropy while she was equally curious about the proposed laws that you were in the process of bringing before the Wizengamot. The bill was a passion project of yours because it would give rights and protections to muggle born wizards and witches that had never been afforded to them before. You were ready to fight tooth and nail to see it come to fruition. 

Needless to say, you were a little too passionate about it. The last time Rita Skeeter interviewed you under the guise of bringing light to the cause, you nearly strangled the sneaky little witch for taking more interest in your romantic relationship than the work you were trying to achieve. You were glad that Pansy worked her high society charm and publicity experience to diffuse the situation. 

In the end, she bribed and threatened the proper people to have the story killed. It was a blessing in disguise since you ended up giving exclusive rights to the Quibbler, which was now spearheaded by your old classmate Luna. She truly did the story justice. As a bonus, her tenacity seemed to have caught the attention of the pickiest witch you knew. No matter how many times Pansy denied it, you knew your friend was smitten. 

“Babe, you should take your own advice and just ask Luna out already.” 

Your friend nearly choked on her wine. Hermione watched the interaction with an amused expression. Her lips curled into a mischievous smile as she turned over to Pansy. “I happen to know that you’re just her type.” 

Never in your life had you seen Pansy Parkinson blush that furiously. She caught herself, holding her head high in that aristocratic way of hers. “Of course I’m her type,” your friend declared in a haughty tone. “I’m everyone’s type.” 

You and Hermione looked at each other before bursting into a fit of giggles. Pansy cracked a smile and laughed along. The three of you were in full hysterics by the time the boys came back. 

Theo slipped back into his seat, squeezing your shoulder gently. “What’s so funny, dolcezza?” 

“Girl talk,” Hermione answered on your behalf. “It’s not for you boys to hear.” 

You nodded in between giggles. “What Granger said.”

Draco groaned. “Bloody hell, they’re unionizing.” 

Your boyfriend raised a brow. He placed his hand back on your thigh, resuming the torturous contact from earlier in the night. “Keeping secrets from me now, Y/N?” 

You plastered a saccharine sweet smile on your face. Theo observed curiously as you peeled his fingers from your leg before firmly holding his hand. “I thought you liked a little mystery, baby.” 

Theo swallowed thickly as you leaned in to whisper in his ear. He held his breath while you pressed your palm against his chest, twirling his tie between red painted fingernails. You lowered your voice into a dark, seductive tone. “Have I told you how good you look tonight? I could just eat you up.” 

Lust blown eyes stared back at you, those familiar piercing blue irises completely swallowed by darkness. Theo shifted in his seat as his gaze dropped down to your mouth. You flashed him an innocent smile before releasing his tie and returning to the conversation happening around you. You could feel that burning gaze on you as you laughed and talked with Pansy and Mattheo. 

For the rest of the dinner, you kept up the nonchalant act. You mustered every ounce of self-control within you and rebuffed all of Theo’s advances. Every time he leaned in for a kiss, you gave him your cheek instead. When the group moved to the sitting room, you walked by his side instead of leading the way because you knew Theo would take advantage and smack your ass when no one was looking. To his surprise, you slapped his backside with a sly little smirk, causing him to glance over at you in shock. 

By the time you were seated on the expensive velvet couch, Theo was practically jittering. His knee bounced beside you as Hermione continued telling you about the Paris trip Draco had planned. Without looking at him, you placed a hand on your boyfriend’s leg and stopped his anxious bouncing. He sighed beside you, no doubt pouting like a petulant child. Yet you didn’t give him the satisfaction of acknowledgement, which only made him more desperate. 

“Let’s get out of here,” Theo whispered into your ear. “You can devour me all you’d like, cara mia.”

You shook your head. “We haven’t even gotten to dessert yet, my love.” 

When Draco brought out a spread of chocolate covered strawberries, the opportunity to tease Theo even more quite literally presented itself on a silver platter. You pinched the ripe fruit between your fingers before wrapping your lips around it. Theo watched with rapt attention as you took a slow, deliberate bite, making a whole show of sucking and licking off the chocolate. He gripped the armchair so hard that his knuckles turned white from the strained effort. 

You bit back a smirk as he crossed his legs and tried not to groan. It was obvious that you had the upper hand now. Theo was barely paying attention to whatever anecdote Enzo and Mattheo were rambling to him about. Those electric eyes were trained on you as you picked up another strawberry. 

“Want a bite, Teddy?” you asked lovingly. “They’re sweet.” 

Theo sucked in a breath before nodding slowly. He didn’t trust his voice at the moment. You offered the fruit to him, cradling his cheek gently as he wrapped his lips around the strawberry in a suggestive manner. Theo kept eye contact as he sucked the white chocolate off. You stared back, smiling sweetly as he devoured the fruit in one bite. He seemed frustrated at your unaffected expression, but you were determined not to break. You were going to come out on top tonight. In more ways than one. 

Usually, the two of you would be the first to leave. You rarely made it through an entire night without Theo dragging you into the floo so you could tear each other apart back at your shared flat. Tonight was different though. You lasted all the way through midnight, forcing yourself to laugh and chat with your friends as you ignored your boyfriend’s fuck me eyes from across the room. 

For that, you made sure you were the last to leave. Theo was convinced he was slowly dying. As soon as the two of you stepped through the floor, your boyfriend scrambled towards your direction, itching to get his hands all over you. 

You stepped out of his reach and shook your head. “I didn’t say you could touch me.” 

Theo looked utterly confused. “I’ve never needed permission before.” 

You chuckled darkly. “You really think I’d reward you for acting like a brat all night? You’re going to learn that it’s a bad idea to tease me like that in front of all of our friends.” Theo gaped at your words. “Now, sit. You can use this time to think about what you’ve done.” 

“Dolcezza, please —“

”Did I fucking stutter, Theo?” You jutted your chin to the bed. “Sit. I won’t tell you again.” 

Judging by the look on his face, Theo was stunned at the sudden change, but you knew your boyfriend well enough to notice that he was entirely turned on by it too. He settled on the edge of the bed, watching in anticipation as you made your way over to the vanity table. As slowly as possible, you took off every piece of jewelry one by one. The diamonds glittered brightly as you removed them from your neck, ears, and fingers. 

A tense silence settled in the room while you pulled the pins out of your updo, sending your hair cascading over your shoulders. Theo squirmed in place, groaning at the sight. You knew that seeing your hair down was his weakness.

“Baby,” he pleaded in the darkness. “Can I touch you?” 

You cut him a disinterested glance over your shoulder. “You can help me take my dress off.” 

Theo sighed in relief as you sauntered over to him. His slender fingers struggled with the zipper, eager to tear the fabric off of your body. You met his gaze through the mirror, giving him a stern look. 

“Slow, Theo. You need to be patient.” 

Your boyfriend swallowed thickly, struggling to reign himself in. He concentrated on undressing you slowly, his hands shaking slightly as he pulled the zipper down. He cursed under his breath when your dress pooled around your feet, leaving you in nothing but a little lacy green set — his favorite. 

The struggle was evident in his expression. His gaze raked over your body, settling on the spiky heels that you purposely kept on. The red soled stilettos clicked against the wooden floors as you closed the gap. You smirked as you settled between his legs and tugged on his tie. 

“Your turn,” you rasped while Theo gazed at you with pure hunger. “Let me undress you now.” 

“Okay,” Theo murmured, dazed and confused as you unbuttoned his shirt. 

He hissed when you raked your nails over his chest and made quick work of his tie. Theo started unbuttoning his shirt, but reeled back when you swatted his hands away. Your boyfriend gazed up at you expectantly, letting his hands fall neatly to his sides while you took over. Without much effort, you expertly unbuckled his belt and kneeled before him to help him slip out of his pants. Once he was stripped down to his boxers, your eyes flickered back to his face.  

“Get on the bed,” you commanded. 

Theo was mesmerized, inching backwards towards the headboard on his elbows, but keeping his attention on you as you crawled on the mattress with your heels still on. Your boyfriend was completely under your spell as you brought your face close to his, your hair tickling his chest while he eagerly drank you in. 

“What do you want?” 

“I want to kiss you,” he answered without hesitation.

”Then learn to ask for it.” 

Theo nodded, biting his lip. “Can I kiss you?” 

You raised a brow, utterly unimpressed. “Try again, Theo.” 

He chewed on his bottom lip, canines sinking down. “Can I kiss you, please?” 

You smirked, pleased with the magic word. “Good boy.” 

Something dark flashed in Theo’s expression. Your words seemed to awaken a new level of lust and desire within him. The praise gave him a rush that he had never felt before. Theo surged forward, his mouth slanting over yours eagerly. He tasted like wine and strawberries, heady and sinful while he kissed you deeply. His tongue slipped past the seam of your lips, demanding entrance. You granted his request, licking the roof of his mouth as you battled for control. 

Theo welcomed the challenge, groaning into your mouth as he pulled you into his lap. You straddled him and tugged at his hair as you flicked your tongue over his bottom lip, licking and sucking until he groaned with need. Theo took liberties without your permission, his greed getting the best of him as he grinded his hard length against your ass. 

You weren’t going to reward his impertinent behavior. You promised to teach him a lesson tonight. Theo gasped as you bit down on his bottom lip before raising his arms above him. He blinked in confusion as you bound him to the headboard with his own tie. It all happened so fast that by the time he noticed, it was already too late. 

Theo tugged at the restraints, squirming underneath you. “Please, cara mia. I want to touch you.” 

You sighed in disappointment. “Then you should've asked.” 

His biceps flexed as he struggled, the veins on his forearms stark and prominent against his olive skin. Panic filled his eyes when he realized that there was no getting out of his binds. “I’m sorry. I got greedy. Please untie me, principessa. I’ll be good, I promise. I’ll make it up to you.” 

Theo sounded desperate. You traced his swollen lips with your fingers and tugged at his messy brown waves. His eyes were wild as you straddled him. “Oh, you will,” you drawled, flashing him a devious smirk. “After I’m done with you, you’ll learn not to disobey me, my love.” 

Your boyfriend panted heavily as you kissed down his chest, sucking and nipping at his flesh in a punishing manner. He was barely breathing as you trailed further south, licking a stripe down his torso. Theo whimpered as you pressed sloppy, openmouthed kisses along his abdominal muscles, leaving hickies in the shape of your initials on his skin. You continued taunting him with your mouth, flicking your tongue along his sinfully delicious happy trail like you had all the time in the world. When you grazed your teeth against his v-lines, Theo tugged at his arms so hard that the headboard rattled. 

He was practically in tears as you palmed his cock through the fabric of his underwear. Theo held his breath as you toyed with the band of his boxers, hooking your fingers over the fabric before sliding it off his long legs. His eyes rolled back while you pumped him, applying just the right amount of pressure to have him writhing against your touch. 

A desperate little whine slipped past his lips as you licked at the head of his cock, swirling your tongue over his tip and slurping up his precum. His moans filled the room when you took him down your throat, holding his hips down so he can’t fuck up into your mouth like he wants. Theo cursed in Italian as you pumped him with both hands, all the while sucking down and hollowing your cheeks to suction him in. 

“Fuck, bella. I’m so close,” he whispered in a hoarse voice. “I’m going to cum.” 

You withdrew your hands and your mouth at that moment, making him whine and groan from the sudden absence. Theo’s eyes flew wide open, tears filling his vision as you shook your head in disapproval. 

“I thought I told you to ask,” you chided. “If you want to cum, use your words.” 

“Please, please, baby, I’ll do whatever you want —“

”I know,” you said before settling over him and sliding off your panties. “And what I want is for you to get me off. Think you can help me with that, Theo?” 

“Yes, yes. Just untie me and I will. I’ll make you feel good, dolcezza. I promise.” 

“Oh, but you can do that right here, right now. With your hands tied.” Theo groaned as you grinded against him, spreading his precum and your slick over him. He moaned when his cock rubbed against your swollen clit with the perfect amount of friction. Theo was bewildered, his breaths coming out in ragged spurts. 

“Be a good boy and let me use you as my fuck toy. You can do that, can’t you, Teddy?” 

There wasn’t a single coherent thought in his mind. Theo felt the words escape him as you grinded against him. He felt dizzy. His cock was so hard that it hurt and he couldn’t even think straight. You hummed, brushing a finger over his balls before cupping them in your hand. 

“Use your words, pretty boy.” Theo blinked back, unable to speak. You grabbed his jaw roughly, forcing him back into focus. “I asked you a question. I expect you to answer.” 

Theo whimpered before nodding weakly. “Use me, dolcezza. I’m yours.” 

You smirked in satisfaction. Theo groaned as you rubbed your pussy against his cock. When his shaft brushed against your clit, his eyes rolled back so hard that he was convinced he could see the vacantness of his empty mind. You rode him hard and fast, using his body to get you off. The depravity of it turned him on even more. The blood rushed out of his head at the dominance you exhibited. You were utterly selfish, taking what you wanted when you wanted it, and he was so fucking aroused at how cruel his girl could be. 

You raked your nails over his chest as you balanced, teasing him with your wet folds without letting him feel you. Theo bit his lip so hard that the action drew blood. You licked away the crimson droplets and he sighed against your mouth as you gave him relief, sloppily kissing him while you moaned his name. He could tell you were getting close by the way you convulsed above him and he cursed as your pussy squelched against his cock. 

Theo was in awe as you cried out, cumming while you screamed his name. You slowed the roll of your hips as you lost yourself over to the orgasm, denying him of his own again. Your juices trickled down your thighs and pooled against his stomach. At that point, his cock was so sensitive that it throbbed painfully. Theo was in shambles, his wrists raw and red from tugging so hard. 

“Please, please, baby. Let me fuck you. I need it. I need you. I’ll die if I’m not inside you.” 

You chuckled, brushing the salty tears pooling underneath his pretty eyes. “Pathetic. Are you begging for me, pretty boy? So desperate to fill me up, to feel my pussy hug around your cock while you pump your cum inside of me, hm?” 

“It hurts so bad,” Theo whined. “Please, I’ll do anything. Anything you want. I’ll get on my knees and beg. Please, principessa.” 

“Look at you crying for me,” you cooed, caressing his cheek. “Poor Teddy. You’ve been so good. Let me take care of you now.” You soothed him with praises as you untied his arms. 

You kissed his wrists as Theo sighed in relief. “Do you want to touch me, baby?” 

Theo nodded shyly, which made you smile. His large, rough hands carefully gripped your hips. He looked to you for approval, making sure to check with you for every little thing. You only nodded, dragging his hands up to rest on your breasts. He busied himself with your bra strap, breathing raggedly as he freed your tits from the fabric. 

“Can I touch them, please?” Theo asked earnestly. 

“Is that all you want?” 

“No,” he answered honestly. “I want to kiss them. I want to suck them.” His gaze flickered to your amused expression. “Please, baby.” 

“Go ahead. You earned it, pretty boy.” 

Theo wasted no time, kneading your tits while kissing down your cleavage. He gasped in surprise when you sank down onto him, nearly sobbing in relief when he felt your pussy hug around his cock. His shaky little breaths seeped into your skin as you took inch after inch, making yourself comfortable on his lap as he sheathed himself inside of you. Theo whined when you lifted your hips until only his remained inside of you. 

“Don’t whine, Theo. Be thankful that I’m fucking you instead of punishing you.” 

He rested his head on the crook of your neck, attempting to ground himself. “Thank you, baby. I’m grateful. I don’t deserve it, but you’re so good to me.” 

With a proud smile, you slammed down to take all of him again. Theo was rendered speechless and his mouth fell open as you bounced on his cock. Desperately, he scrambled to catch your perky breasts into his mouth. Your boyfriend sucked on your tits, swirling his tongue around your nipples. You moaned as he nipped at you, tensing when you yanked him by his hair. 

Theo stared at you, waiting for direction. Knowing that you had this much control over him made you clench. In your relationship, Theo tended to take on the dominant role, but now that you knew that your boyfriend was more than open to being submissive, you were ready to explore this new dynamic.

“I like this side of you,” you murmured, kissing down his jaw and neck. His breath hitched as you slowly rolled your hips. “So obedient. So willing. So submissive.” A shiver shuddered through him as you wrapped your fingers around his neck. “Tell me who you belong to, Theo.” 

“You, baby,” he rasped. “Only you.” 

“Show me,” you commanded as you squeezed his throat. It was enough to make Theo feel dizzy, momentarily cutting off his oxygen. “Fuck me like you mean it.” 

The desire to please you overwhelmed him. All thoughts of his own pleasure faded. It was secondary to the need to hear you praise him, to validate him, to call him your good boy. He hooked his arm around your waist, shifting his hips to fuck into you at a deeper angle. You moaned above him as your bodies melded together. Sweat, sin, and sex permeated the air while he worshiped at your altar. 

Theo watched his cock disappear between your folds, his gaze flickering from your pussy to your face, eager to know if his actions pleased you. You brushed his hair back, gentle and loving, while you talked him through it. 

“That’s it, Teddy. Fill me up.” Theo thrusted as you bounced, groaning as he hit the sweet spot that made your body sing. “Just like that. Fuck, it’s so good. You’re so good, baby.” 

Your forehead dropped to his, rewarding him with sweet little kisses every time he hit the spongy spot that had you seeing stars. He relished in your compliments, felt himself craving it like a drug. When your pussy clenched around him to signal your release, Theo continued to fuck you through the orgasm. There was a reverent glimmer in his eyes like he was witnessing something holy when you came. 

Theo could feel his own release nearing, but he knew better than to cum without asking. It was abundantly clear to him that you were in control tonight. “Can I cum? Please, principessa?” 

“Of course you can,” you replied with a blissed out smile. “Good boys get to cum.” 

He held his breath, feeling warmth spread throughout his body. “I’ve been a good boy?” 

“Mhm,” you murmured, pulling him in for a soft kiss. “The best boy.” Even though you were sensitive and overstimulated, you made sure to reward his good behavior. Picking up the pace, sliding easily up and down his cock thanks to your wetness, you whispered the words that you knew would push Theo over the edge. “Now be a good boy and cum inside of me, baby.” 

Theo cried out with a shout, shuddering underneath you as he shot hot ribbons deep inside your pussy. You could feel his cum filling you up, warm and wet as it trickled out. He panted against your neck as his cock twitched inside of you, releasing his load with each pump. As he emptied himself out, Theo slowed, his body collapsing from the intensity of the orgasm. 

When he regained consciousness, he was flat on his back. Theo blinked away the white spots in his vision. It felt like his soul had left his body entirely. He had cum so hard he passed out. As he rejoined the physical realm, Theo opened his eyes to find you cleaning him up. You were so sweet and gentle, the complete opposite of the selfish lover you’d been just a few moments ago. It warmed his heart to know that you’d always take care of him no matter what. 

Theo smiled as you kissed his forehead. A small whimper escaped his mouth as you pulled his boxers over his legs, his cock still sensitive from the intense sex. You whispered sweet nothings into his ear, soothing him as you brushed your fingers through his hair. Theo cuddled against your side and sighed happily. 

“Holy fuck,” he whispered. 

You giggled, pressing soft kisses all over his face. “Did you like that?” You asked, teasing your boyfriend. “It seems like you did.” 

He hummed against your skin, brushing his lips against your neck. “Fuck, I think you just unlocked a new kink for me.” You chuckled at his words. “That was so fucking hot, baby.” 

“You know, I was trying to teach you a lesson,” you mused. “I didn’t quite expect you to enjoy getting degraded this much.” 

“Degrade me whenever you want, dolcezza.” 

"Really?" you hummed, musing on his willingness. "How far would you let me go? If I broke out a leash and collar, would you have stopped me?"

You were half-joking, but the eager expression on your boyfriend's face told you that he was more than willing to make your suggestion into a reality.

"Don't threaten me with a good time, cara mia." Theo wrapped an arm around your waist, tugging you closer. "I'd crawl to you on my hands and knees if you asked. If you're the one asking, there's nothing I wouldn't do."

The power definitely gave you a head rush. As much as you relished in the hold you had over him, you tucked the knowledge away for later. There was plenty of opportunity to act out all your dirtiest, filthiest fantasies, but for now, you were more than content to snuggle with the love of your life.

You smirked, nipping at his jaw. “That’s my good boy.” 

[scientia-rex]

Sometimes people tell me I'm a good person. I'm not a good person by nature, or by default. I'm a good person because I've decided that it's important to me to act like one, on a daily basis, forever.

My actual nature is that I want power. I want power and I want my life to be easy and I want other people to be forced to be nice to me even if they hate me. I want other people to have to suck up to me, I want to watch people who I know hate me suffer through the indignity of having to suck up to me. I want to hurt people who hurt me. I want all of these things in the same exact deeply recognizable way that a gorilla or a chimpanzee does. I watch those documentaries and I recognize myself, intimately. The fact that I can behave like a good person in spite of that has taken me a long time and a lot of effort to achieve.

What you feel isn't as important for your "goodness" as what you do. And you get good at what you practice. So practice your skills at being polite, pleasant, kind. Practice gently interrupting negative behaviors--whether that's someone's negative behaviors directed towards themselves, or directed towards someone else. The idea that we have to be inherently without sin is such Christian garbage. It's psychological gibberish. We want things! We want everything! That is normal and human and the key is not acting on every bad feeling you have.

I have taken my insatiable desire for power and to manipulate people and I have used it for good. I have learned how to manipulate people into coming to the doctor and taking their blood pressure medication and being honest about their recreational substance use. I have taken my psychology education and I have used it to craft a persona that makes people feel at ease. I go home at the end of the day exhausted, because maintaining a persona for ten hours straight is exhausting, but I do it happy, because I manipulated the people I work with into feeling better and having brighter days. I manipulated my patients into feeling good about their achievements and recognizing where we need to do things differently.

The hard part is that when the mask slips, people find it not just off-putting but deeply upsetting. When I explain things like "I have thought very carefully about how I would conduct a career in domestic terrorism because I would genuinely like to bomb the headquarters of most American insurance companies, but I don't see a way to do it without getting caught and either killed or spending the rest of my life in prison, and at the moment I consider that an unacceptable outcome," people go from "ha ha! my wacky colleague" to "Jesus Christ, I didn't realize there was something actually wrong with you."

Anyway, don't make your kids read the extended works on Machiavelli at twelve, my dad thought he was helping me but all he accomplished was making me sad I'll never be a king.

[shdysders]

a cold table

pairing: vada cavell & reader

summary: in which your anniversary with vada didn't turn out like it was supposed to.

word count: 4.8k

author’s note: proof reading this honestly just makes me throw a tantrum bc it’s ridiculously bad in my view. but i’m posting this in hopes of you liking it.

You and Vada were the epitome of "opposites attract."

On the surface, it seemed almost impossible that you two would end up together, let alone be the type of couple that made people smile just by looking at you.

Vada was the kind of girl who looked like she just grabbed her dad's clothes from the laundry basket and made it work. Putting together outfits that made no sense to anyone but her.

Oversized flannel shirts, baggy jeans and sneakers that had seen better days—she wore it all with an air of confidence that dared anyone to question her choices.

She didn't care about trends, and you couldn't imagine her spending more than five minutes deciding what to wear.

You however, were the opposite—always put together, wearing clothes that you knew looked good on you because you liked feeling confident and in control.

When it came to school, Vada was effortlessly good at everything she tried.

She could ace a test without studying, participate in class debates with barely any preparation, and somehow still find time to be the laid-back, carefree person everyone admired.

She had a mind that worked faster than most, but she didn't flaunt it.

You, on the other hand, had to work hard for your grades. School didn't come easily to you, but you cared enough to put in the effort.

You stayed up late studying, agonized over assignments, and took pride in every hard-earned B+ you received. Your determination was something Vada admired, even if she never said it out loud.

Although she would tease you about how seriously you took school, but when it came down to it, she'd show up for study sessions, sometimes even surprising you by actually helping.

And even though you weren't a natural at school, you made sure she didn't slack off too much, reminding her about deadlines and sometimes dragging her to the library when she'd rather be anywhere else.

Everyone at school saw how different you and Vada were. Some people were surprised when you first started dating, while others seemed to have seen it coming from a mile away.

Vada had a way of making you feel like you were the only person in the room, even when you were surrounded by people.

She listened to you, really listened, like your thoughts were the most important thing in the world. When you talked about your day, no matter how mundane, she would look at you with those deep, thoughtful eyes and nod along.

And you were always there for her, too. Vada might have been the laid-back one, but she had her moments of doubt, and you were the first person she'd turn to.

People noticed how you two balanced each other out. You didn't try to change one another, but you definitely influenced each other in subtle ways.

You brought some structure into Vada's life, and she taught you how to loosen up a bit. You didn't make a show of your relationship, but the way you naturally gravitated toward each other said a lot.

Everyone could see that, even if you didn't make a big deal out of it, you were good for each other.

And even though people didn't really talk about you and Vada much—there wasn't any drama, no on-again, off-again stuff.

You were just there, solid and steady, the kind of couple everyone figured would last. It was easy to imagine you two growing old together, the high school sweethearts who actually made it.

You thought so, too. For the longest time, it just felt like you and Vada were meant to be, that nothing could really shake what you had.

But that was before you started to doubt everything the two of you had.

Before the incident.

You were in the library that day, tucked away in a corner with your books spread out in front of you. Vada had class, and you were trying to focus on an assignment due the next day. It was just another ordinary afternoon, where everything felt routine and predictable.

Then, out of nowhere, you heard it—a loud, sharp sound that made you freeze.

At first, you couldn't quite place it, but then it happened again, and suddenly the room around you shifted.

The quiet murmur of students working turned into panicked whispers, and then, in what felt like seconds, chaos erupted.

Gunshots.

The next thing you knew, people were scrambling, and you were being pulled down to the floor by someone you didn't even know. Your heart was pounding so hard you thought it might burst. You could barely think, your mind racing with fear and confusion.

Meanwhile, Vada had been in the bathroom, just down the hall from where the first shots were fired. She wasn't alone—Mia, the popular girl everyone knew but no one really knew anything about, was there too.

When the first gunshot echoed through the halls, they both froze, their eyes wide with terror. Without a word, they rushed into the nearest stall together, instinctively pulling their feet up onto the toilet seat to stay hidden.

In the days that followed, everything felt like a blur.

The school was closed, news crews swarmed the area, and you were left trying to process what had happened. You tried to be there for Vada, but it was hard to know how.

She was different—quieter, more withdrawn, like she was lost in her own head. You wanted to help, to say something that would make it better, but nothing felt right. It was like a wall had gone up between you, and no matter what you did, you couldn't get through to her.

Vada barely talked about what happened in the bathroom with Mia.

When she did, her voice was flat, detached, like she was telling a story that had happened to someone else. She wouldn't look you in the eye, and that scared you more than anything.

You could see the fear and anger simmering under the surface, but she wouldn't let it out. She tried to act like everything was fine, but you could see the cracks forming.

You knew she was probably feeling a million things—guilt, fear, anger, maybe even shame for surviving when others hadn't. But she didn't talk about it, and you didn't know how to bring it up without making her shut down more.

Every time you reached out, it felt like she was slipping further away, retreating into a place you couldn't follow.

The carefree attitude that used to define her was gone, replaced by a tension that never seemed to leave. You noticed how she avoided certain hallways, how she liked to be alone now, and how she wouldn't talk about it. It was like she was trying to hold it all together, to not fall apart, but you could see how much it was costing her.

Vada didn't go back to school for a long time.

But eventually, you did go back due your parents forcing you. It wasn't easy, and you felt guilty every day.

The hallways felt different, quieter, like everyone was holding their breath. You went through the motions, trying to keep up with classes and pretending things were normal, but they weren't.

Not for you, and definitely not for Vada. It was hard walking into school every day, knowing she was at home, struggling with things you couldn't fully understand.

You tried to keep things normal, to talk about school, or movies, or anything that wasn't about what happened. But even then, you could feel the distance growing.

At first, the way Vada acted—or didn't act—around you didn't really matter. You understood she was going through something unimaginable.

You were patient, giving her the space she seemed to need, even when she seemed distant or didn't respond much.

What really caught you off guard wasn't the silence or the way she sometimes snapped at you, which you could understand given everything she was dealing with.

What hurt more was when Vada started disappearing.

You'd try to check in on her, but she was often unreachable, and you had this sinking feeling she wasn't just avoiding you—she was spending time with someone else.

You'd seen Mia post something on social media, little hints that made it clear Vada had been with her. It wasn't like you blamed her for needing someone who understood what she'd been through, but it stung all the same.

The fact that she was turning to Mia instead of you made the distance between you feel even wider, and that's when the doubt started to creep in. You knew she was hurting, but you couldn't help but wonder if this was the beginning of something you weren't prepared to face.

And as the days went on, Vada started staying out late, not telling you where she was or who she was with. The first time it happened, you tried not to worry too much, but it kept happening.

You wanted to talk to her, to see how she was really doing, but every time you tried, she seemed to slip further away.

Then, one night, you decided to go over to her house, hoping to finally have that conversation.

When she opened the door, you could immediately tell something was off. She was unsteady on her feet, her eyes a little glazed over, and you could smell the alcohol on her breath.

She was drunk, and it had shook you more than you expected. This wasn't like her at all.

You tried to ask her what was going on, why she was drinking, but she just brushed you off, slurring something about needing to forget for a while.

It worried you, seeing her like this, knowing that she was hurting so much that she felt the need to numb it with alcohol. You wanted to help her, to pull her back before she fell too deep, but she wasn't letting you in.

Even with everything going on, you held onto the hope that Vada wouldn't forget about your three-year anniversary. It was the one thing you thought might still matter, even with all the changes and distance between you.

Every year, you and Vada had always done something special to mark the day. It was your tradition—whether it was a simple picnic in the park or watching the stars from the roof of your house, it was always something that brought you closer together.

You thought that this anniversary might be a turning point, a chance for both of you to reconnect and maybe find some of what had been lost in the chaos.

You knew things weren't the same as before, but you hoped that this day would remind Vada of what you had, of how much you meant to each other.

You spent weeks planning something small but meaningful. Nothing too extravagant, just something that would show her you still cared deeply and that you wanted to make this work.

You spent weeks planning something small but meaningful. Nothing too extravagant, just something that would show her you still cared deeply and that you wanted to make this work.

You had arranged everything perfectly. After some careful planning, you talked to Vada's parents about your idea, suggesting that they and her little sister Amelia spend the night at Vada's grandmother's house.

You knew your own parents would never approve of the two of you having the house to yourselves on a school night, but Vada's parents were different.

They saw how much you meant to each other and, more importantly, how much Vada needed something to remind her of the good things in her life. They agreed without hesitation, eager to give you both the space you needed.

With the house to yourselves, you planned to cook dinner for her—nothing fancy, just her favorite comfort foods, something that would make her feel safe and loved.

You'd set the table in the dining room with candles, making it feel cozy and intimate.

After dinner, you were going to to watch the movie you saw on your first date. It was your way of trying to bring things back to the beginning, to remind her of who you both were before everything got so complicated.

You wanted the night to be perfect, not in some grand, over-the-top way, but in a way that would show Vada that you still believed in what you had together. This was your chance to reconnect, to pull her back from the distance that had grown between you, and you were determined to make it happen.

As the day got closer, you tried not to let your anxiety get the best of you. Vada had been distant, but you convinced yourself that she wouldn't let this day slip by.

This was your day, after all—the one day you could both take a break from everything else and just focus on each other. You were counting on it, needing it to bring you back together, at least for a little while.

The day finally came, and you had everything set up just the way you imagined.

You spent hours in the kitchen, carefully preparing all of Vada's favorite dishes. The table was set with candles, the lights dimmed just right to create that warm, intimate atmosphere. Everything was perfect, down to the last detail.

The whole thing was meant to be a surprise—you hadn't told Vada anything, just that she should come straight home after whatever she had planned for the day. You imagined her walking through the door, seeing the setup, and maybe, just maybe, something in her would shift back to how it used to be.

But as the minutes turned into hours, the excitement started to fade, replaced by a growing sense of worry.

Vada wasn't coming home.

You waited and waited, watching the food grow cold on the table. You tried calling her, messaging her, hoping for some kind of response, but there was nothing. Each time your phone stayed silent, your heart sank a little deeper.

You knew deep down that just waiting around probably wasn't the smartest idea. Maybe you should've told her, given her a heads-up so she could be sure to come home.

The hours passed and the house stayed empty, you couldn't ignore the sinking feeling in your chest. The night you'd planned so carefully, the night that was supposed to bring you closer, was slipping away, and with it, the hope you'd been clinging to.

You kept glancing at the clock, the numbers glowing dimly in the quiet room. It was nearly 11, and you were clinging to the hope that she'd come through the door any minute.

If she did, you'd just reheat the food, relight the candles, and try to salvage the night. It wasn't ideal, but you were ready to make the best of it.

Then, the front door creaked open, and Vada walked in. You jumped up immediately, eager to greet her.

When she saw you, her expression was a mix of surprise and something else you couldn't quite place. She looked at you weirdly, as if you were weird for being there.

She seemed off—her steps were unsteady, and there was a distant look in her eyes that made you worry.

"What... What are you doing here, Y/N?" she mumbled, her voice slurring slightly. She seemed distant, making you worry even more.

You tried to smile, but it felt stiff and uncertain. "Today's our three-year anniversary," you said, your voice filled with hesitation. "I was hoping we could spend some time together. You know, like we always do."

Vada let out a scoff and began to walk toward her room, her steps slow and uneven. She glanced at you with a weariness in her eyes, as if the effort to respond was too much. Her shoulders were slightly hunched, and she seemed to be struggling to focus on you.

"Do we really still care about this?"

It hit you harder than you expected. You tried to hold onto your initial excitement and positivity, but her tone made it hard to ignore the distance growing between you.

As she took those two steps toward her room, you felt a mix of disappointment and confusion, unsure how to reach out or fix what seemed to be slipping away.

Vada walked closer, and you could smell the strong scent of alcohol on her breath.

As she moved into the light, you noticed her eyes were red and puffy, and it was hard to tell if it was from crying or something else.

You hoped it was tears—something you could understand and help with. The thought of it being anything worse made your heart sink. You stood there, struggling to reconcile the image of her pain with the reality of what was happening.

You took a hesitant step forward and asked, "Are you drunk?"

Vada's face reddened with anger. "Are you seriously judging me right now?" she snapped.

You were taken aback by her reaction, and a wave of nervousness washed over you.

The fact that she was drunk only seemed to make everything worse.

You swallowed hard, trying to keep your voice steady, said, "No, I was just wondering where you've been. Have you been drinking alone?" Your words trailed off, unsure how to continue as you watched her closely, hoping she'd open up.

Vada's anger seemed to wane as she noticed your genuine concern. "I was with Mia," she said simply, her voice a bit softer.

You hesitated for a moment before asking, "Have you done drugs?"

Vada's face flushed with anger as she spun around, muttering, "Oh my god." She shot you a fierce look, clearly irritated.

You quickly followed her, trying to explain yourself. "I was just worried because you've been spending a lot of time with Mia, and I was just wondering what you two were up to. I didn't mean to... I just wanted to know." You felt yourself rambling, hoping she'd understand your concern.

You took a deep breath, trying to keep your emotions in check. "I just need to know if there's something more going on between you and Mia."

You knew the question was direct and might come off as rude, but you were desperate to understand what was happening.

You needed to know if this was the end for you both, if there was something significant you were missing.

Vada's eyes widened in surprise, her face flushing with a mix of anger and guilt. For a moment, she looked taken aback, as if the question had cut through a fog of confusion. Her response was immediate but hesitant,

"What are you talking about? There's nothing between us." But her tone betrayed a hint of uncertainty, leaving you more unsettled than before.

Your curiosity was driven by the fear that everything you had might be unraveling, and you were grasping at any answers that could provide clarity.

You were grasping for understanding, your voice trembling. "I don't know. It feels like you've just—"

Vada cut you off, voice loud enough to make you flinch. "Why do you always have to question everything?" she slurred, her speech thick and unsteady. "Just because we're dating doesn't mean you need to know everything I'm doing or feeling! I'm so fucking tired of you prying into every little thing!"

Her movements were uncoordinated; she stumbled slightly as she spoke, her balance wavering.

The alcohol and possibly drugs made her seem disconnected, her eyes glassy and unfocused. She swayed slightly as she continued, her anger barely masking the haze of her intoxication.

You struggled to keep calm, knowing her anger was intensified by the substances she'd consumed. "I didn't mean to pry," you said, your voice trembling. "I just wanted to understand what's happening with us."

Vada glared at you, her frustration still evident. "What, do you expect me to lay out every detail of my life for you?" she snapped, her voice laced with bitterness.

"Do you want me to explain my feelings all the time, like it's some kind of control?"

You shook your head, your voice trembling as you quietly replied, "No, that's not what I meant." Her words and actions seemed disjointed from what you were trying to address. Vada's gaze remained fixed on you, her anger unyielding and her eyes burning with frustration.

Her words and actions seemed disjointed from what you were trying to address.

You had only been seeking clarity about your relationship, not demanding control or constant explanations. Her response felt out of touch with your intentions, leaving you confused and hurt as you tried to make sense of her accusations.

You took a deep breath, your heart pounding in your chest, and asked, "What did you guys do?"

You didn't expect anything shocking or out of the ordinary. You just hoped she'd tell you they hung out, talked, maybe drank a little—nothing more.

You weren't trying to accuse her of anything; you just wanted to make sure they hadn't done something reckless or dangerous.

The thought of her putting herself in a risky situation was what really worried you.

That's why you asked—to ease the growing unease in your chest, to hear something that would put your mind at rest, and to reassure yourself that everything was still okay.

Vada's eyes flashed with irritation as she responded, "Nothing."

Her tone was dismissive, but you couldn't ignore the gnawing doubt inside you. You glanced at the clock on the wall, noting the time. "Vada, it's almost 11 a.m. You've been with her all night. Of course, you did something."

The air was thick with tension, almost suffocating. Vada's posture stiffened, her shoulders tensing as she tried to process your words. You could see her face flush, her mind clearly racing as she grappled with the confrontation.

She had always hated these kinds of direct confrontations, and it was evident she was struggling to come up with a believable excuse.

For a moment, there was a charged silence. You watched as Vada's gaze darted around, her eyes betraying her panic.

She opened her mouth, closed it, and then opened it again, her face a mixture of frustration and fear as she searched for a way to deflect or minimize the situation.

Her hands fidgeted at her sides, clenching and unclenching in a futile attempt to steady herself.

The silence dragged on, and you could almost see her internal struggle as she failed to come up with a satisfactory answer.

Her frustration began to bubble over, and her composure started to crack under the pressure. Finally, with a sharp intake of breath, she snapped.

"Fuck it," she burst out, her voice trembling with a mix of anger and desperation.

"I smoked weed with Mia, got high and I slept with her, alright? Is that what you'd like to hear?"

Her admission was blunt and raw, a revelation that she hadn't intended to make but couldn't hold back any longer. The anger in her eyes and the way her voice wavered revealed the depth of her frustration and the extent of her emotional turmoil.

Her voice was sharp, cutting through the air like a knife.

Her confession hit you like a punch to the gut. The words hung in the air, heavy and unyielding, and you could feel the room closing in around you.

The shock made it hard to breathe. You tried to stay calm but struggled to process what she'd just admitted. "You slept with her?" you repeated quietly, your voice trembling.

For a split second, you saw a flash of regret in Vada's eyes, as if she realized the weight of what she'd said.

Although that look quickly faded, replaced by her defensive stance.

The moment of vulnerability was brief, almost as if she was trying to erase it before you could fully grasp it. You were left reeling, trying to make sense of her sudden, raw honesty and what it meant for both of you.

Did she actually sleep with her? Or did she just say it out of anger or because she was under influence?

Mia had always been someone you thought was a friend to Vada, someone who was there for her in ways you couldn't be after everything that happened.

You never saw her as a threat, never imagined that Vada's connection with her could be something more than just two people sharing their trauma.

But after every late night that Vada seemed to spend with her,  the doubt had tightened its grip.

You thought you had tried so hard to be there for Vada, to break through the walls she had built up, but now it felt like those walls were never meant to let you in. They were meant to keep you out, while Mia was welcomed in.

The realization that Mia, the girl Vada used to mock for her obsession with popularity and appearances, could have become something more to her, stung.

Vada had always rolled her eyes at the way Mia cared about what people thought, about how she looked. It was something that made you believe Vada and Mia could never be more than friends.

But now, you couldn't help but wonder if all that bashing was just a cover, a way to hide the truth even from herself.

Had Vada's complaints been a way to deflect from feelings she didn't want to admit?

You could feel the tears welling up, your lips trembling uncontrollably. You didn't try to hide it, but it felt irrelevant since Vada seemed to look right through you.

Her gaze was unfocused, her pupils dilated, wide and glassy, as if she was barely seeing you. Her mouth was twisted into a slight, almost mocking smile that made your heart sink even further.

You hoped and prayed that she didn't actually found this funny.

You tried to convince yourself that she would regret this later, that she'd understand the pain she was causing, and that the real Vada—without the haze of alcohol and anger—would recognize how deeply she had hurt you.

But not even your hopes seemed to be on your side as Vada let out a heavy sigh, the anger seeming to drain from her as she suddenly looked exhausted.

"I'm going to bed," she mumbled, her voice still slurred, but now quieter, almost as if the fight had taken all the energy she had left.

She turned on her heel, swaying slightly as she started to walk away.

But then she paused, her hand gripping the edge of the wall for balance, and looked back at you with a cold, detached expression.

"And clean this shit up before my parents get home," she snapped, her voice filled with disgust as she gestured vaguely at the table where the dinner you had so carefully prepared now sat untouched, cold.

"It looks fucking ridiculous." She spat out, her words like shards of glass cutting through you.

You bit your lip hard enough to draw blood, feeling the sting as you glanced back at the table.

Her words echoed in your mind, and as you looked at the half-heartedly arranged candles and the untouched dinner, you had to admit—maybe she was right.

It did look ridiculous.

Without waiting for a response, Vada turned away, her frustration palpable as she stormed off toward her room. The silence that followed was heavy, the flickering candles casting long shadows that seemed to mock the effort you had put in.

You stood there, feeling like a stranger in a house you had once felt so welcomed in, like an outsider in a place you had imagined as your second home.

As you cleaned up like she told you to, the weight of what had just transpired settled heavily on your shoulders.

You packed the leftover food into containers, trying to salvage what you could for Vada's parents. Each movement felt mechanical, your hands moving on autopilot while your mind was consumed by a torrent of thoughts.

You sobbed quietly, tears falling onto the remnants of a dinner that was meant to celebrate love and commitment, that was meant to fix what you guys had.

It wasn't a formal breakup, but the reality was clear.

Vada's behavior, whether from being drunk or high, had made it clear that things between you were over, even if no formal words had been spoken.

There was so much left unsaid, so many questions swirling in your mind.

Although as you walked out the door of the Cavell house, you knew the answers no longer mattered.

[leiiilaaaa]

8th house synastry!

hii, in this blog i'm going to talk about what your partner's planets mean in your 8th house. i'm going to focus this one on a more relationship-wise dynamic so there will be talks of sexual chemistry, kinks, and things of that nature. and of course, a lot more goes into these types of things apart from what i go over!! hope u enjoy <3

partner's sun in your 8th house - when your partner's sun is in your 8th house, you can find the sun person to be extremely off-putting and intense due to the fact that they will be very eager to figure you out. you appear mysterious to the sun person, and they will not make it unknown that they think they are the one to "repair you." there can be stubbornness in this relationship as your sun person will try to unveil your secrets and experiences you don't want to talk about. as the house person you can resent this and find it to be invasive. however, you have a deep appreciate towards the sun person due to their caring nature and abilities to handle your wounds. sex-life with this person can also be super intense, both of your vulnerabilities allow sex to be much deeper and memorable. this placement can be good for a long-term relationship as long as the house person can feel a sense of privacy. usually there is an instant sexual attraction between the two of you, especially by your sun person. it's magnetic and hard to resist.

partner's moon in your 8th house - house person will find plenty of comfort with the moon person. moon person will not be prone to criticizing your or weaponizing your feelings, they will make significant efforts to understand you and work around any dark areas. you both have very health boundaries surrounding each other's emotions, there's plenty of privacy and security between the two. moon person fulfils your emotional needs more than anybody else does. this can be very prevalent in the bedroom too; comfort is key for the both of you sexually. moon person will usually do more foreplay and deep-talk, they also will be more submissive and favorable to what the house person wants to do. usually, this moon person will be able to read you like an open book. moon person will flutter the house person with chest kisses and vice versa.

partner's mercury in your 8th house - mercury person loves to get behind the surface level discussions with the house person. they like to know you beyond the simple things. house person gives an outlet to the mercury person to express their feelings, stories, traumas, that they usually feel guilty or ashamed to share with anyone else. mercury person admires your strong tolerance towards them. they can be highly persuasive and often times appear manipulating. depending on how it is aspected. usually in the bedroom between the two, mercury person loves dirty talk, kissing, oral, and cuddling up. sex can sometimes be finished more quickly than you're used to, and be careful that the person you are dealing with isn't just using you or sees it as a "friends with benefits" situation. these people are very open to new sexual experiences and can be jumpy.

partner's venus in your 8th house - this one is so good i love love love it. venus person will find themselves in a position where they want to support your lifestyle. some of them might even go out of their way to fund you and spoil you. to them the house person is like their sugar baby. aside from money, this person finds so much beauty in the things you are usually ashamed about. they are able to glamorize the darkness that you might exude to them. as the house person, you grow to have intense ties as the venus person will have immense loyalty towards you and have a "life or death" attitude with you. sometimes this relationship feels surreal because of how hard it clicks. sex-wise, venus person will be able to create a new experience for you everytime. almost feels soul-merging. they will love to neck grab, hold you by your waist, or might even involve toys/costumes, super fantasy-like things. this person will transform your views on sex drastically. venus person can feel very possessive over you and sometimes even forget the bad things you do during the relationship simply because their love feels overpowering.

partner's mars in your 8th house - strong adrenaline rush from the mars person to the house person. sometimes it feels like you have such strong chemistry before you know each other that well. mars is so drawn to the house person that they might do impulsive things just for your attention. this person can match your darkness very well and they have no problem with doing something about settling your issues for you. they don't shy away when you open up, and often times will be protective over you in situations of life or death. in terms of sex, it will feel super intense and the mars person makes sure to go all out for you. they can be unpredictable, and you might often time underestimate what they can do, but they aren't heavy into wasting time. they love hair pulling, face grabs, or penetrations. you both find sex to be a good outlet for pent up feelings, and it definitely is a strong way to show the care between the two.

partner's jupiter in your 8th house - jupiter person will try to point out a lot of the positives through things that have hurted you in the past. they aren't heavy into dwelling on past experiences too much and have more of an optimistic view on life. these people will teach you how to deal with things progressing forward with them, like religiously or spiritually they will open your eyes. these people can also bring an immense influx of money to you and use it to go on vacations and plenty of trips to discover new things and places. you often find that going out with this person is almost healing for you. their energy feels like a breath of fresh air and distracts you from your neglective past. sexually, this person will love butt/thigh grabbing, person might also have bigger behinds or shlongs. feels rejuvenating while you are together. they make you glow in a certain way that other do not. house person finds jupiter person to be very wise and knowledgeable across the board.

partner's saturn in your 8th house - saturn can be tricky but not uncomfortable here. you might feel like this person helps you get your shit together sometimes and see things for the way they are. they will help you understand that building walls is important. between the two of you, this can be a long-lasting relationship and saturn person will be deeply committed. sometimes you might feel that saturn doesn't always understand your emotional state, oftentimes you feel that you cannot always express this to them. they can seem cold, but they are also very experienced in similar things you have dealt with. they offer good perspective and can offer you a stable life in terms of money. sexually, this person might not be too experimental, and worry a lot about if it lives up to your standards. they're more quiet and house person often helps them overcome saturn's shyness to sex. saturn however, will like touching all over your skin, infatuated by your smile, and loves gripping to your ribs. can create a heavily devoted partner.

partner's uranus in your 8th house - uranus person will love to challenege you and make you rewire many stigmas, norms, and traditional values. they love to also connect with your deep-rooted desires, as both of you might have many things in common. this dynamic can be unpredictable sometimes, house person will always see dramatic highs and lows from the uranus person. as the house person, you might like the uranus person covering topics which you find abnormal, however very interesting. sexually, uranus person will have a lot of irregular kinks and desires. usually these people will have prominent veins, have a foot fetish, or might want to indulge in a 3-party act, do it in public, etc. with them they want to break many rules with sex. sometimes this can trigger the house person with their boundaries they have, privacy is also important for the house person, and uranus challenges that.

partner's neptune in your 8th house - neptune person understands the sensitive nature of your volatile state. in a house that gets very dark, neptune matches it but tints it a little differently. you notice that the neptune person almost always has "the answers," but you have to get it out of them almost. as much as a mystery you are, they are also going to be mysterious. they will never overstep and say too much unless you ask from them to. but you notice they bring an old soul energy to you, and they will bring life changing ideas to the table. they will keep you in tune. they love you through your scars as to them it appears as strength. both of you might sense you are equally damaged, but can heal and prosper together. sexually, neptune person can give you a surreal experience. and usually the neptune person knows exactly what to do to please you, as they have a way of reading you through. they will be gentle with you in bed and only step it up if that is what the house person wants. neptune person might have some type of feet kink, or provide a gentle aftercare. interesngly enough, they will always have some fixation on some part of your body. it can seem weird but you find it very cute that they are drawn to it.

thank u for making it this far, i really hope you enjoyed reading some of these. if you feel like this was accurate or inaccurate let me know i would love to hear ur standpoint and do let me know of any other ones you would like me to do. <3

[d-targaryenshoe]

So Entirely Bridgerton - Benedict Bridgerton

Word Count: 1031

Summary: A woman becomes with child, yet the child's father might feel unsatisfied at times, will he not?

Benedict Bridgerton had never been one to do things by halves, and this included annoying you.

From the moment you met, it was clear that Benedict had an irrepressible, almost childlike energy that he often directed towards you, much to your chagrin.

Now, as you were well into your pregnancy, Benedict's antics had only increased in both frequency and creativity.

"Honestly, Benedict," you sighed one sunny afternoon, reclining on the chaise lounge in your sitting room, "Can you not find something to do?"

You rubbed your swollen belly absentmindedly, your expression a mixture of exasperation and affection.

Benedict, who was attempting to balance a spoon on his nose, looked at you with a wide grin.

"Who else should I annoy if not my wife?" he quipped, causing the spoon to clatter to the floor, making him sigh.

You rolled your eyes but couldn't help the smile that tugged at your lips. "Perhaps the staff, or better yet, one of your brothers?" you suggested, picking up your embroidery and resuming your work.

"But they don't react quite like you do, my love," Benedict replied, coming to sit beside you.

He placed a hand on your belly, feeling the baby kick. "Besides, I'm doing my duty as a husband. Keeping you entertained and distracted."

"Entertained? More like exasperated," you muttered, though you leaned into his touch.

The truth was, despite Benedict's constant mischief, you loved him dearly.

His playful nature was one of the things that had drawn you to him in the first place, even if it did drive you to the brink of madness at times.

Benedict's eyes sparkled with mischief as he kissed your temple. "You married me knowing full well what you were getting into," he reminded you. "A Bridgerton through and through."

You laughed softly, your annoyance melting away. "Yes, I suppose I did," you admitted. "But right now, what I need more than anything is some peace."

Benedict sighed dramatically, flopping back onto the chaise. "Peace? How dreadfully boring," he lamented, though he gave you a fond look. "Very well, my dear. I shall endeavor to be the model husband for the remainder of the afternoon."

"I'll believe it when I see it," you teased, but you appreciated his effort.

Benedict might be a handful, but he was also incredibly loving and devoted.

His heart was always in the right place, even if his methods were bizarre.

For a while, Benedict did his best to remain still and quiet, but it was a struggle for him.

You watched him with a mixture of amusement and pity. You knew how hard it was for him to suppress his natural exuberance.

After what felt like an eternity of silence, Benedict could bear it no longer.

"Would you like to take a walk in the garden?" he suggested suddenly, sitting up. "The fresh air might do us both some good."

You considered the idea. A walk did sound nice, and it would give Benedict an outlet for his restless energy.

"Alright," you agreed, setting aside your embroidery. "But no running off ahead and leaving me behind. You'll stay by my side."

"Of course, my love," Benedict agreed readily, offering you his arm. "Lead the way."

You made your way outside, the warm afternoon sun casting a golden glow over the lush gardens.

Benedict kept his promise, walking slowly and steadily beside you, his hand never leaving yours.

You strolled among the flowers, enjoying the peace and tranquility.

"You know," you said after a while, "I do appreciate your efforts to keep me entertained. But sometimes, I just need a little space."

"I understand," Benedict said, and you could see the sincerity in his eyes. "I only want to make you happy."

"You do," you assured him, squeezing his hand. "You always do. Even when you're driving me mad."

Benedict laughed, a sound that was full of love and joy. "And you, my dear, make me the happiest man in the world," he said, stopping to kiss you gently. "Even when you're scolding me."

You smiled, feeling a surge of affection for your husband. "Well, it's good to know we're equally matched in that regard," you said.

You continued your walk, enjoying each other's company and the beauty of the garden.

Benedict's energy was still palpable, but he channeled it into more subdued activities, pointing out different flowers and recounting amusing stories.

You found yourself laughing more than you had in days, grateful for your husband's irrepressible spirit.

As you rounded a corner, you came upon a bench nestled beneath a large oak tree.

"Shall we sit for a while?" Benedict suggested, guiding you to the bench.

You nodded, grateful for the rest. As you sat together, Benedict wrapped an arm around your shoulders, pulling you close.

"This is nice," you said softly, resting your head on his shoulder. "Just the two of us, enjoying the moment."

"It is," Benedict agreed, kissing the top of your head. "And it's a moment I'll cherish."

You sat in companionable silence, the sounds of the garden enveloping you.

You closed your eyes, feeling a sense of peace wash over you. Benedict's presence was a comfort, his love a constant reassurance.

"You know," you said after a while, "I think our child is going to have a lot of fun with you as their father."

Benedict chuckled. "I certainly hope so," he said. "I plan to be just as annoying to them as I am to you."

"Poor child," you said with a mock sigh. "They won't stand a chance."

"Or perhaps they'll be just like me," Benedict said with a grin. "And then you'll have two of us to deal with."

You groaned playfully. "Heaven help me," you said, though the thought filled you with warmth. "But I wouldn't have it any other way."

You stayed in the garden until the sun began to set, casting a warm, golden glow over everything.

As you made your way back to the house, you felt a sense of contentment settle over you.

Despite Benedict's antics, you knew you were incredibly lucky to have him.

He was your partner, your confidant, and the love of your life.

[emphistic]

𝐁𝐋𝐔𝐒𝐇𝐈𝐍’ 𝐍 𝐂𝐑𝐔𝐒𝐇𝐈𝐍’

𝐀/𝐍: here's what you've all been waiting for . . . more preschool!sukuna !! — as thanks for 1000+ followers — also, also, big thanks to @domainofmarie and @beyond-your-stars for the idea !

𝐖/𝐂: around 1.7k

When you first met Sukuna, you thought he was a strawberry incarnate. Maybe it was his hair — which you were shocked to find out was natural, maybe it was his eyes — that seemingly glowed maroon whenever he was even slightly vexed, or maybe, just maybe, it was the way his pale skin turned a cute shade of salmon whenever you looked his way. In any case, you stood by your decision. — Sukuna was a strawberry.

And, if you thought hard enough, you would remember the times where you used to try and eat Sukuna. Yes, you read that right. Sometimes you would go up to your friend, grab one of his cheeks in your hands, and chomp!

Unfortunately, you did get in trouble one or two times, not because Sukuna told on you — he would never even think of doing such a thing, — but because Sukuna walked around all day with a bite mark engraved on his cheek.

You actually haven’t stopped this deed of yours. It’s become a habit, or an addiction, as Sukuna called it. But he didn’t mind. He never did. Not if it was about you.

But what he did mind, was, when people would try to take your attention off of him.

For instance, right now. You were seated beside Sukuna on the bus, and in the midst of trying to take a bite of your strawberry, whilst said strawberry was just staring out the window, letting you give your best efforts. [No, he did not give you the window seat.] Out of the blue, another one of your classmates approaches your row.

“Hey, guys! Can I sit next to you—?”

“This seat is taken.” Sukuna swiftly turns to face the boy and gestures towards the empty spot on your left. Albeit it was obviously not occupied, Sukuna didn’t even try to make up a better excuse.

“Umm, it’s actually—”

“Taken. It’s actually taken.”

Due to Sukuna’s unwavering glare, and clearly irked expression on his face, the boy clumsily shuffled away.

“‘Kuna,” you started, in that soft tone of yours — which never failed to lift his spirits, “he just wanted to sit down with us. And—and, no one’s sitting there anyway. Lying’s bad.”

“Yeah, well,” he huffed. “Next time I won’t lie, then. I’ll tell him he can’t sit next to you.”

“You mean ‘us’?”

“I mean what I said.”

“You’re the most confusing strawberry ever.”

Sukuna rolled his eyes, feigning annoyance.

Unfortunately, or fortunately, the strawberry did not get less confusing once you two arrived at your destination . . . the zoo!

Your teachers had originally planned to separate the class into two groups — in order to avoid chaos — but, when they noticed you and Sukuna already holding hands, they refrained from their decision of splitting you two up. They knew it would always end up being a battle they couldn’t win, no matter how hard they tried. Sukuna would never let go. And you, being you, wouldn’t let go either.

“Hey, Sukuna! Can you hold my hand? Those animals are scaring me.” A girl asked, once your group had reached the lion enclosure. You turned your head and saw the girl stick out her tongue at you. You frowned.

“Out of my way,” Sukuna elbowed her, sending her stumbling, “we—she wants to see the pandas.” Sukuna managed to successfully drag you a few feet away from your classmates before your teachers spotted the little attempt at “escape” and reprimanded you two, leading you guys back to the rest of the group.

Sukuna frowned, yet his grip on your hand never ceased. However, the frown soon flipped upside down, when your teacher guided the group over to the pandas. Sukuna noticed a growing smile on your lips, and hid his own, turning slightly away.

You pointed at the pandas behind the glass wall, “‘Kuna, look! They’re so cute! Aww, I want one as a pet.”

“Yeah? Then you’d have to clean up all their poop. Look at how big they are, and just imagine the size of their poop. It must be equal in ratio, y’know.”

You stifled a giggle behind your free hand, “Okay. Then . . . I would just make you clean up the poop and take care of the hard stuff. And I’ll do everything else.”

“Sure.”

You jumped up and down fervently, continuing to grasp his hand all the while. “Really? Yay!”

“Whatever.” Sukuna turned away from you, again, and worked hard to contain his laughter. You just looked so . . .

“Over here, everyone! Come this way,” your teacher yelled, making you guys continue on your way. “I meant everyone, Sukuna. Don’t stop your friend from listening to the teacher, didn’t I tell you? Wouldn’t want to leave you guys behind.”

Sukuna sighed, yet obeying nonetheless.

As your class left the animals encased behind glass walls, you passed by another enclosure on your way out. — A group of turtles.

You let go of Sukuna and ran up to the glass, pressing your face against it, not noticing the way your breath fogged up the glass. You gasped, loudly. “Woah! They’re all such pretty colors—ah!”

Sukuna pulled you back just as fast as the turtle came near the glass and banged on it with its flipper.

“What happened?” Your teacher asked, in a tone full of genuine concern.

“The sea turtle, it—it attacked me.” You pointed at said animal.

“No, it didn’t. You’re just being dramatic. It was behind the glass.”

Miss Wells’s eyes flickered between you two as you and Sukuna argued and bickered over what happened. When she realized nothing serious occured, she backed away. It was funny, she had to admit. The two of you were fighting while still holding hands.

“Hmph! It did attack me.”

“It didn’t even touch you.”

“Yes, it did.”

“Sure, sure.”

“Uh huh.”

Sukuna, this time, didn’t bother hiding his laugh when a gorilla beat its chest and you jolted in your position. But, he didn’t forget to squeeze your hand, assuring you nothing was going to hurt you. Not if he was there.

The rest of the day was spent seeing alligators, tigers, spiders, snakes, you name it. And, although you did get a little spooked a few times, you couldn’t deny you were totally bummed when your teacher announced the field trip was over. You didn’t even get to see your favorite animal yet.

As for Sukuna? He couldn’t deny he was totally bummed seeing you look so upset.

When your group rendezvoused with the other half of the class and loaded onto the bus, Sukuna helped you put on your coat, as the weather had decreased drastically.

You leaned your head on your strawberry’s shoulder. “‘Kuna,” you sighed, clearly exhausted after a whole day of fun.

“Hm?” He pushed a strand of hair out of your eyes and tucked it behind your ear.

“Why are you still holding my hand?” Albeit you were tired, you were never too tired to giggle.

“. . .So you don’t get lost. Duh.” It took Sukuna quite a bit of time to think of a decent answer.

“But, we’re on a bus. How would I get lost?”

“You never know.”

“You’re such a dummy. It’s literally impossible.”

“You’re pretty good at doing impossible things.” — Like, making his heart race, running through his mind all day long, giving him a feeling other than anger. You were a master at doing impossible feats.

“Shut up.”

“Oh yeah? If I shut up, then, how would I be able to give you . . . this!” Sukuna pulled out a stuffed plushie of your favorite animal of all time from behind his back, as if he had been waiting for this moment all his life. And, maybe he was. You never know, right?

“Sukuna!” You gasped. Reaching out your hands in a ‘gimme, gimme’ manner.

“Not even a ‘please’? Not even a ‘thank you’?” Sukuna teased.

However, he didn’t have much to say once you leaned over and placed a wet kiss on his cheek, making a ‘mwah!’ sound as you did so. "Thank you, thank you! — So much!"

Sukuna touched his cheek with his hand, his face immediately reddening. All the while, you took your chance and snatched the plushie out of his arms, quickly cuddling it to your chest.

“When did you even get this?”

“. . .” He was broken, absolutely stupefied, and unable to speak.

“‘Kuna?”

“Oh, what? What did you say?”

“I said, ‘when did you get this’?” You repeated, still entirely focused on the animal in your arms.

“Right. . . I got it when you were in the bathroom. Spent all my money on it. I didn’t know gift shops were so expensive.” He scratched the back of his head.

“Of course it would be expensive, silly! It’s the cutest thing I’ve ever seen!"

He smiled. “I beg to differ.”

Taglist: @beyond-your-stars @sad-darksoul @mochimoee @r0ckst4rjk @lillycore @deepchromatose @yinyinyinyinyinyin @fivehoneyharg @desihopelessromantic @taiyakii @hannas16 @acroso @msvalsius @call-memissbrightside @kelerina-ballerina @emikokomura

[trapastrology]

Astro Observations W/ Aris

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

7H Uranus in a solar return chart doesn't always mean that a romantic relationship will end. It can be a close friendship/best friend, business partner,etc.

1H Venus in solar return-putting more effort into your looks. This is considered to be a "glow up" year. This is the year where you find your signature style, makeup, scent, etc. I'd consider this to be the best dressed year. Could also change hair color or style. Cosmetic procedures happen here as well.

North Node in Pisces tend to benefit more from having an assistant or help in general. Pisces South Nodes tend to want/get too much help when they need to be more self-sufficient.

11H Liliths are HEAVLY prone to having ppl around them who hate them (esp friends) and don't realize. These are the ppl we see who usually get set up by their "friends" or someone close to them. Look to your lilith sign as well. If your Lilith is in an air sign, watch out for envy in air signs.

For my ppl with majority of their placements in the 2H & 3H tend to be "blind" to themselves. Whether it's their faults or great things about themselves, they can't seem to see it until someone else points it out and then they finally realize it.

2H Pluto/Scorpio 2H- shouldn't verbalize to anyone who much they make. Don't say whether you're doing bad or good financially either. A lot of jealousy and envy will arise from telling the wrong person which will affect your money and stability terribly.

3H Nessus- Usually experience intense trauma or bullying in elementary, with siblings and thru words. They usually write or speak about their pain that usually ends up helping other ppl tremendously. These are the type of ppl who make music or write poetry that helps other ppl get thru hard times. However, due to a lot of bullying and being spoken down to, communication ends up being one of their biggest issues and this can manifest in many different ways

When you get criticism or pushback from doing North Node things, that's how you know you're going into the right direction sometimes. For instance, a 4H NN may get told that they need to focus on their career path instead of creating a family. (Full post on this coming very soon!)

Use your moon on a bad day to help regulate your emotions. Look towards positive aspects

5H Aries Moon- make a creative art project alone.

Sextile 3H Chiron-write about what's bothering me.

Make a playlist with artists who have your NN sign as their dom personal placements & those whose plmts fall into the same house as ur NN. This will evoke that North Node energy out of you. (Something I've been doing for me and my clients for years)

The end! Look at my pinned post for info on my upcoming Patreon. Message me to book a reading! Most readings are only $25 until July 31st.

[ghostbeam]

casual | dabi/touya todoroki

“My mom wants to meet you.”

It’s a sentence uttered as Touya pulls the T-shirt he’d discarded earlier (while he was pushing you toward your bed and sucking your tongue into his mouth) over his head. It comes as a shock, lying in your bed completely bare, still struggling to catch your breath. It shouldn’t make you feel excited in the way that it does, not when Touya has been more than clear about the nature of the relationship between the two of you. Nothing serious. No commitment.

Casual.

notes: hiiiii so this is just something I’ve been working on for a bittttt it’s inspired by causal by Chappell roan it’s nothing special but I just couldn’t get the idea out of my head so yeahhhh sorry for the severe lack of smut in a friends with benefits fic btw ahsjsjsjs thanks for reading hope u enjoy!!<3

warnings: 18+, minors dni, f!reader, explicit content, no quirk au, oral f!recieving, friends to lovers, friends with benefits, the todorokis are healing, dabi is called Touya throughout literally the entire thing

words: 4.1k

“My mom wants to meet you.”

It’s a sentence uttered as Touya pulls the T-shirt he’d discarded earlier (while he was pushing you toward your bed and sucking your tongue into his mouth) over his head. It comes as a shock, lying in your bed completely bare, still struggling to catch your breath. It shouldn’t make you feel excited in the way that it does, not when Touya has been more than clear about the nature of the relationship between the two of you. Nothing serious. No commitment.

Casual. 

“What?” You aren’t sure how you should respond, or what the right answer is. He shrugs, buttoning his jeans.

“You don’t have to. Just promised her I’d ask.” He says, turning around to dig through your dresser. He pulls out one of the shirts he’s left there and a pair of underwear for you, tossing the items your way. You change, covering yourself up before moving to sit in the middle of the bed, legs tucked underneath you. 

“You’ve been talking to her about me?” You question. You know it’s not what he wants to hear. 

“I’ve mentioned you.” He tells you. He’s still standing, staring down at you. Your question should have been teasing, but you were sincere. You’ve met his siblings before. You know you’re not a secret to his family, but the mention of his mom feels entirely too serious. It makes you feel hopeful. You don’t want to feel hopeful.

“Oh, yeah?” You grin, your last ditch effort at turning this back on him, to show him that you can handle casual, that you like casual. He rolls his eyes.

“It’s not a big deal.” He shrugs. “She’s met all my friends.”

“Friends like me?” You ask him. You aren’t even sure what you mean by it. Touya was your friend long before the two of you had sex. That doesn’t really make you different from the others in any real way. 

Touya is your friend. Sometimes, you wish he wasn’t.

“Friends like you…” He trails off. His eyes flicker from yours like he’s thinking about it. “No, I guess she hasn’t.”

You hum, nodding your head. You don’t want to read into what he could possibly mean by that. But, truthfully, Touya doesn’t have any friends like you.

“Whatever. I tell my mom about you. You write about me in your little diary.” He speaks, leaning down so he’s at eye level with you. He kisses you once, long and hard before pulling away. “We’ll call it even.”

He stands up straight, grabbing his keys from the top of your dresser and picking his jacket up from the floor on his way out of your bedroom. He turns back to wink at you once before disappearing through your doorway.

“It’s not a diary!” You call, but he only chuckles in response. 

…

wear that one dress read 7:42am

the blue one with the flowers read 7:42am

does ur mom like blue? sent 7:43am

?? read 7:44am

no i like blue read 7:44am

and i like you in blue read 7:45am

ok maybe sent 7:45am

…

You do not wear the dress. 

Touya chuckles when he sees you, like he knew you wouldn’t and opens the passenger side door for you. Your sweater is blue, though. 

Rei lives near the shore in a house that’s all her own. Touya tells you that he and his siblings visit as much as possible, that his sister thinks she might get lonely out on her own, but he knows she enjoys the solitude. There’s a freedom to it, the choice. Touya can understand that. 

The road is long, and once the two of you get out of the city, there’s not much to look at. You watch the weather change out the window, blue skies above slowly shift into damp overcast and Touya rests his hand on your thigh. 

He’s done it more times than you can count. It’s not unusual for Touya to touch you. He’s clingy like that. But in the car, driving two hours out of the city to meet his mother, it feels different. It is different. You want to believe that. 

She stands at the front door as the two of you pull in. Her presence is a surprise to you when you know Touya hadn’t used his phone once the entire car ride. She looks small, delicate, almost, with a strength that settles in her shoulders, her chin tilted up slightly. You see now, how much of her is in him. 

“She does this every time,” Touya speaks. “I have no clue how she knows.”

“Mother’s intuition.” You shrug. 

“It’s creepy.” 

“I think it’s cool.” You say. He flicks your forehead. 

“You would.” He squeezes your thigh once before getting out of the car. He jogs to your side and lets you out. You feel his hand brush against yours as he leads you up to the house, but he never intertwines your fingers like you wish he would. 

Rei introduces herself warmly and embraces you in a tight hug. Touya has to bend down a bit to allow her to hold him around his shoulders. She ushers the two of you inside and runs a hand through Touya’s hair, murmurs something about a haircut, but he shakes her hand off of his head and insists that he keeps it this way because you like it. You’ve never told him you liked his hair before. But it’s enough to get Rei off of his back about it because she sends you a knowing smile as you follow her into the living room. 

The visit is a standard one as far as meeting the parents goes. Touya’s favorite food has been prepared and the three of you eat as Rei asks you questions. She’s understanding when the topic of your future comes up and you aren’t sure how to answer. She’s engaged when you tell her about your hobbies. At some point, you forget you’re here with Touya until you’re reminded of his presence when you turn your head in his direction and notice an uncharacteristically soft expression on his face. It confuses you, and it makes your stomach flip. You can’t ignore the feeling of his eyes on you for the rest of the visit. 

When Rei pulls out a photo album, Touya stands up and says he’s going outside to smoke. You know part of it is because of embarrassment, old photos of such a young innocent thing, him in matching clothes with Natsuo, photos of all his bad haircuts. You also know that part of it is that he’d rather not think about that time in his life, even though his father is cut out of all the photos Rei shows you.

Rei speaks after a while, flipping through the pages of the album, “you’re good for him.”

You don’t look at her, eyeing one of Touya’s school photos from long ago. 

“What did he say I was…to him?” You question. 

“A friend.” She speaks, “But I think it’s obvious that it’s more than that.”

“Not really. I am his friend. I mean, I’m not a girlfriend or anything like that.” You try to explain. “I can’t really be good for him.”

“I think you can. I think you are.” She continues to flip through the photo album, and you continue to check the back door in case Touya walks in on your conversation. 

“It means a lot that you say that. I really care about him.” You admit it to her even though she already knows because it feels right to. You want her to know that you could love her son if he let you, that you would in a heartbeat. It’s just more complicated than that. 

“I can tell you do. And he cares about you, too. He’s just stubborn.” She pauses. “And scared.”

“Yeah.” You sigh. “Me too.”

Touya walks through the door a moment later. “We should go soon. I wanna leave before it gets dark. And I don’t need you two spilling any more secrets about me to each other.”

You freeze for a moment, wondering if he heard your earlier exchange, but the teasing tilt of his voice tells you he didn’t. 

You say goodbye to Rei, and she makes you both promise that you’ll visit her again soon. When she hugs you, firm and tight like before, you feel sad to go. Touya guides you to his car with a hand placed on the small of your back. He doesn’t open your door for you, but he holds your hand the entire way home. 

…

should we open a cafe read 2:22pm

what sent 2:25pm

or a bookstore read 2:26pm

what are u talking abt sent 2:27pm

both at the same time read 2:28pm

???? read 2:28pm

u wanna be business partners on top of being sent 2:29pm

whatever this is sent 2:29pm

fuck buddies read 2:30pm

ew sent 2:30pm

dont call it that sent 2:30pm

lovers???? read 2:32pm

pls stop sent 2:33pm

what shld we name the cafe/bookstore read 2:34pm

?? read 2:40pm

…

“Touya!” You cry, head thrown against the foggy car window as he stares up at you from between your legs. You run one hand through his hair as he runs his tongue through your folds. You whine. “Oh, my god.”

He pulls away to let out a breathy laugh, eyes finding yours as he kisses your thighs. You shift your hips forward, missing his mouth against your cunt. It’s cramped in his car, your back uncomfortably pressed against the door. Touya’s contorted in a way that allows his long body to fit in the back seat with the door closed. His comfort is an afterthought while in between your thighs.

“Don’t stop.” You cry, wiggling your hips. He grins, bringing his hand up to run two fingers gently over your clit. It’s not enough. You can barely stand it.

“Poor baby.” He coos, rubbing agonizingly slow circles over your most sensitive spot. “Were you gonna come?”

“Fuck you.” You speak through clenched teeth, moving your hips to try and grind against his fingers. 

“Not yet.” He teases, before attaching his lips to your cunt once more. His movements are hurried, making a mess of you in his backseat as he runs his tongue over your clit over and over again. You feel his hand reach up to grab your wrist, bringing it back to the top of his head. You tug on his hair, grinding against his face, understanding exactly what he wants from you. He groans against you, reaching down to touch himself through his jeans. 

“I’m close!” You whine. Every flick of his tongue is controlled, his only goal being your pleasure. His fingers dig into one of your thighs, and the feeling of your hips twitching against him drives him insane. 

“Come for me, baby.” Touya pleads, releasing his grip on your thigh and rubbing a soothing hand over the spot. “You look so fucking pretty when you come. Let me see it.”

With one last swipe of his tongue, you're pushed over the edge, legs shaking around his head as he continues movements against you. He pulls away, leaving kisses against your thighs, moving up over your stomach, your chest, your neck. He pulls you forward with one arm so that you're pressed against him. 

“C’mere.” He whispers, pressing his lips tenderly to yours, far too sweet for casual. He slips his tongue into your mouth, and you reach down to touch him over his jeans. He bucks his hips up, letting out a moan against your lips, when his phone begins to ring. He ignores it, pulling away to kiss your neck. You thumb the button of his jeans open, reaching down to touch him again, when the ringing of his phone interrupts yet again. Touya lets out an annoyed sigh, reaching into his back pocket to pull the buzzing device out. 

“What.” He speaks, voice laced with anger. When the voice on the other end of the line speaks, you know it’s Tomura. 

Touya met Tomura a few years after he met you, and you liked him. You did, but he always found a way to get under Touya’s skin at the worst times. Every comment he makes about the relationship between the two of you leaves Touya with far too much to think about. It usually pushes him away from you for a week at most, replying to your messages with short answers, canceling plans. You figure that now that he’s picked up the phone, your fun in Touya’s backseat is over. 

Touya speaks to Tomura as you pull your shirt back over your head, not bothering with your bra, just wanting to get dressed as quickly as possible. You search for your skirt, spotting it halfway underneath Touya while he tells Tomura he’s not free until Saturday night. You try to pull it out from under him, but it won’t budge.

“You’re sitting on my skirt.” You speak softly so you don’t interrupt his call. He notices immediately, lifting his hips for you to grab the piece of clothing. He mutters a quick sorry as you pull it over your legs, and you can hear Tomura question him over the phone. 

“Huh? It’s no one.” He speaks, and though you know that you’re nothing more to Touya than a “friend” as he puts it, you hoped you were more to him than “no one”.

You pull your clothes on and exit the car, not wanting to hear the rest of the conversation. The car sits on a ledge, high on some mountain that overlooks a lush forest below. Touya showed you this place years ago while you were still just friends, somewhere that was just his became yours together. Back then it meant a lot to you. Now you know it probably meant nothing to him. 

Touya exits the car a couple of minutes after you, eyeing you as you stare down over the cliff. You don’t notice when he comes up beside you, a hand on your back. He says, “you okay?”

“Mhm.” You nod your head, hands crossed over your chest. “I’m tired. Can you take me home?”

“Yeah, let’s go.” He presses a kiss to your temple before walking towards the car. On your way home, when Touya’s hand begins to creep towards your thigh, you cross your legs and move your stare towards your window. When he drops you off at home, you don’t kiss him goodbye.

…

come over read 8:18pm

cant sent 8:30pm

why not read 8:31pm

im studying sent: 8:34pm

study here read 8:35pm

no sent 9:00pm

you’re distracting sent 9:00pm

…

what are you doing read 1:22pm

fuyumi wants me to invite you to lunch read 1:24pm

tell her im sorry but i have class right now sent 1:30pm

u dont have class right now read 1:32pm

?? read 1:32pm

…

where have you been read 11:11pm

i want you read 11:11pm

come over read 11:12pm

please read 11:12pm

wanna kiss you read 11:16pm

need u read 11:30pm

sorry read 10:02am

stole a bottle from natsuo read 10:03am

i wanna see you though read 10:20am

...

Touya texts…a lot.

Your excuses are weak, especially to the man who knows you better than anyone in the world, someone who’s committed your schedule to memory for the better part of two years. But you try because it hurts, because despite agreeing to casual, you cannot continue to pretend like you aren’t in love with Touya. And you can’t continue to pretend that he’s in love with you too. 

You write a lot to try and process it all. You write in your “little diary” as he called it, page after page about him and his pretty eyes, and his stupid hair, and his fucking tongue. It’s hard not to miss him. 

You screen most of his calls when you can get away with it, but he texts you after each one you miss. He has no problem with double, triple, quadruple texting you because it’s you. There’s no pressure to impress or feign disinterest with you. You know this isn’t about the sex. Touya wants his friend back.

Only the thing is, you can’t be his friend. Not now, not after crossing every single possible line with him. You’ve fallen for him. This much you can admit to yourself, but you’ll never admit it to him. 

So your only option is distance, which hurts you just as much as it hurts him. You want to send him cats you see on the street. You want to ask him to see the newest horror film with you. You want to lay in his bed and trace the lines on his face and wake up with his head buried in your neck. 

What you want is to be his girlfriend. You want him to love you back. 

You don’t know if it’s worse to be with him or without him. 

…

r you busy rn? read 5:44pm

yeah  sent 5:45pm

ok read 5:45pm

…

There’s a knock at your door at six pm on the dot while you’re thirty-seven pages deep into some cheesy romance novel you picked up to try and mend your broken heart, fill the void that you created by pushing your best friend (and the love of your life) away. 

It doesn’t help that you’re wearing one of his shirts. 

You open your door and peek through the crack. Touya stands there with a six-pack in one hand and the leather jacket he knows you love on him so much hung effortlessly over his shoulders. Fuck him, fuck him, fuck him. He looks like a model and you’re wearing his T-shirt.

He doesn’t say hello, just pushes his way through and kicks his annoyingly loud boots off, setting them by the door. He places the six-pack on the counter before muttering, “Cute shirt.”

He’s teasing you. You want to strangle him.

“What are you doing here?” You ask him, an annoyed huff leaving your lips as you cross your arms over your chest as if it’ll hide the shirt that he’s already noticed. 

“Um, well.” He shrugs, strolling over to your couch where you left your romance novel and fuzzy blanket. He picks the book up and looks at you. “You know, I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?” You stomp towards him, snatching the book out of his hands. “You’re the worst. Why don’t you ever say what you actually mean.”

You know why, though. Because Touya is unknowable, or at least he thinks himself to be. That’s why he doesn’t tell you anything real but allows you to see his apartment, allows you to see him naked with all of his scars and make love to him with the lights on. He won’t say that he loves you, but he’ll leave you thirty missed calls and show up at your apartment when he doesn’t get an answer. He won’t say that he’s worried, but he is. You know that he is because you’re the only person who’s ever really known him, even before the sex. Touya has always been yours. If Touya thinks you know nothing, at the very least he thinks you know this. 

“Yeah.” He says. “You know, it’s funny cause, all of a sudden my best friend stopped talking to me. Not exactly not talking because she does answer my texts, still. Sometimes she answers my calls, but not really. But, I haven’t seen her in person in weeks. I miss her, and her stupid face, and her giant comfy couch.”

“Touya–” You begin to speak, but you don’t even know what you’re going to say. You’re definitely not going to explain yourself. You’re not going to confess to him wearing his t-shirt like some sad ex-girlfriend. 

“Where did you go?” He asks. His voice breaks and it's like a blade in your heart. “Did I do something? Did I say something?”

“I didn’t go anywhere, Touya. I’m here. I’m here, I just–” you pause, trying to find the words to explain it all. “I don’t think we can do this anymore.”

“Do what?” He asks, but it doesn’t sound like a question. He knows what’s coming.

“Sleeping together. I don’t–I can’t–” You try again, but it’s fucking hard to talk to him. You want to kiss him. You want to fall into his arms. You want him to make you forget.

“Done.” He says. He doesn’t hesitate, and it hurts. “We can stop, we can–I just want you back. I want you with me. We can be just friends again, but please, please don’t leave.”

Tears fill your eyes at his words. He’s finally talking to you, finally saying something real, baring his soul, and you can’t tell him that you’ll stay. You love him so much, but you’re selfish. 

“We can’t be friends either.” You choke, staring at the floor. If you look into his eyes, you’ll break. 

“Why?” He shakes his head, “Talk to me, what’s happening? What changed?”

“Why do you care so much, Touya? I thought I was no one.” The words leave your lips before you can stop them. 

“When did I say that?” He doesn’t remember. He doesn’t remember and it’s the one thing you’ve been agonizing over for weeks. 

“What is it about Tomura that makes you shut down around me?” You ask him. Realization falls across his face. “Every time you talk to him you…pull away. I don’t know what to do with that.”

“I don’t pull away.” He argues.

“You do.”

“Is that what you’re doing? You’re trying to get back at me or something?”

“I’m trying to fucking–get over you!” 

There’s nothing but silence after your confession. Your eyes fall closed in defeat, admitting the one thing you never wanted him to know. 

“I can’t do casual. I am not casual. I tried to be cool. I was really good at it for a while, but now it just hurts.” You speak, voice shaking as you gain the courage to say everything you need to. “The thing is, I love you. And not how I’ve always loved you. I’m in love with you. So it sucks when, you know, I know you’re not in love with me.”

“Who told you I’m not in love with you?” He asks.

“You’re mean.” You say, glaring at him for the unnecessary question. No one told you. You just know. “It’s obvious.”

“Yeah? Is it?” He asks. “You think I bring anyone to meet my mom? You have half of my wardrobe here. You have a toothbrush and all of your stupid skincare shit at mine. I hold your hand in public. I text you good morning and shit.”

“So that means you’re in love with me?”

“Fuck, I thought it did.” He sighs, running a hand through his hair. His roots are grown out, you notice. Have you really been gone that long?

“I don’t understand.” Touya is in love with you. Is that what he’s getting at? 

“I love you.” He shakes his head, remembering your words from earlier. Not how I’ve always loved you. “I’m in love with you. That’s–Tomura knows. He knew it before I did. He says some dumb shit about it every time I talk about you, and it scares me, so I pull away. I didn’t know it felt like this. I’m fucking miserable.”

“When did you know?” You ask.

“Honestly? I think I always have been. I think that’s why I brought up sleeping together. I wanted to be closer to you without all of the commitment. But it was when you came to dinner that time when my dad showed up.” He walks toward you slowly as he speaks. He’s becoming more sure of himself, open. He’s done hiding. “And when we left, you were so fucking angry. You just ranted about him the whole way home, and it clicked. We were at a stop light and you were moving your hands all around and I thought ‘fuck, please don’t fall in love with this girl’, but it was too late and I knew it.”

“I think this is the most you’ve ever said to me.” You say dumbly. Touya just confessed his love to you and this is what you say?

“That’s not true. I never shut up. You know that. You tell me that all the time.”

“I mean–not, like, about music, or books, or someone who came into work. I mean real, raw, ‘fuck, don't fall in love with this girl’ shit.” You explain, a sly grin falling across your lips.

“You’re a dick.” He chuckles, wrapping his fingers around one of your wrists, and dragging you toward him. 

“Yeah, but you’re in love with me.” You shrug, smiling up at him. 

“Yeah, I really fucking am.” He says before he leans down to kiss you. It feels right, familiar. It is like all of the others because there’s always been love. It’s always been there. He’s always been yours. Touya knows you know this. “Please don’t…pull away again.”

“Okay.” You agree, resting your forehead against his. 

“Cause I’m just gonna chase after you.”

“Yeah? Gonna show up at my apartment with beer I don’t like?” You tease, and he rolls his eyes. 

“Fuck you.” He says with absolutely no venom behind it.

“Yeah, maybe you should.” You grin. 

[imsilay]

à la folie

“to insanity.”

summary: You shouldn’t have been such a tempting little thing, because he was a jealous man and would want to keep you all for himself :)

not proofread sorry cus i wrote this in 2 hours or something idk. :>

word count: 2.3k (please take this as an apology)

cr: Dwisesz

König was thankful, he really was. God blessed him the most beautiful little thing in world. You. And he knew once he had you within his hand there was no going back. At first he tried to resist the temptation. You were just so young and naive. A little adorable thing who get along with everyone. He knew it would be a problem. He knew he would want to lock you in his house, or preferably chained to his bed, and keep you away from those who’d want to steal you from him. He knew his jealousy was not something he could control even if he wanted. Even when he was a little child he’d hide all his toys so other kids wouldn’t steal or break them. He’d keep them to himself and only for his playing. Even at his age he’d keep his weapons to himself, taking care of them well and not letting anyone to touch but him.

So he knew once you were his he’d want to possess every inch of you. He’d want to own every inch, no, every cell of your being. It was just his nature, it was how he grew up. Thus, he couldn’t get you out of his mind since he first felt your hands on his skin. It was a simple touch, you just had to check his wound since there was no medic around to treat that mountain of a man. Your delicate fingers helping him strip from his gear and hold his shirt up. You couldn’t help but admire how broad he was. His abs looked so hard and toned you had to bite inside your cheeks to not test it yourself. You quickly let go of his shirt letting him hold it to his chest as you focused on the task in hand. You chewed the insides of your cheeks to not make any mistakes or anything that would make him know how his body effected you. Oh, he could see that. Your cheeks flushed bright red and your pupils dilated as you try to hide your face from his predatory gaze with letting your hair fall into the sides of your face. Did you really get nervous like that from just seeing his body? Was that why your hands were shaking as you cleaned and covered his wound? It was really adorable to see you stumble and get all bashful when you gave him some aspirin for his pain.

It wasn’t unusual for him to get ladies nervous around him. His height and his body was a great effect on getting everyone scared of him which lead them to be nervous, frightened. Involuntarily intimidating people was something he couldn’t help, but he wasn’t complaining though. It always made things easier for him when he didn’t wanted to talk with anyone. It wasn’t like he didn’t wanted to, his usual behavior was cocky and energetic but only with the people he was comfortable with. And he couldn’t stop thinking about you since. Because why you weren’t scared of him the slightest, yet you were biting your delicious-looking pouty lips whenever you glanced towards him, thinking he wouldn’t notice or care, making him wonder why you were interested in him and not afraid like everyone else. Although he had tried to ignore you, your little temptations, his efforts were in vain. You successfully captured his mind, filling it with you so much that he couldn’t think anything but you.

After a few months of eyeing and sometimes flirting, you managed to break him. One night when you were about to go back to your quarters for a good sleep after your night shift, a large hand grabbed your arms and pulled you into one of the rooms. Another hand covered your mouth when you were about to scream. The room was dark and the scent lingered in was familiar, but you couldn’t make anything of it. Until the man pinned your body against the door and pressed his forehead against yours. It wasn’t because you saw his face, it was because you felt the fabric against your skin. It was Colonel. You stopped squirming once you recognized him. He pressed his lips on your forehead through his mask as he let go of your mouth. “Are you tired, Maus?” he whispered, his lips still on your forehead as he spoke. His voice was hoarse. Your heart was beating like crazy and adrenaline still rushing through your veins since he pulled you in. “Y-yeah, the night was long.” you stuttered with your slightly trembling voice. It was strange that how casual the conversation was despite your position. One of his hands came to rest on the side of your neck as the other still held your arm firmly as if he was afraid you’d leave. “You can rest in my room, i have a nice mattress.” he mumbled as his thumb stroked your pulse, feeling it increase under his touch. And just to feel your reaction to his touch was making him so fucking hard. His intentions were obvious, and he had no worries to hide it anymore. You were the one who started it anyway. You remained silent but he didn’t needed to hear your answer anyway. He already knew what you wanted and he was more than happy to oblige you. His hand on your neck found his mask and pushed it up just enough to reveal his lips. When he pressed his lips against yours he felt like he found his heaven on earth. Oh, how much he craved these delicious-looking lips. His other hand finally let go of your arm and found your hips. He lifted you up with ease and made you wrap your legs around his waist. Your arms wrapped around his neck, desperately trying to pull him more into kiss. He pressed your back against the wall ince again but this time you could feel his hard cock between your legs. When your nails dug into his nape because how feverish he was with his kiss and not letting you take a breath, he groaned into your mouth. Mistaking -actually just ignoring your pathetic attempts to push him because he didn’t wanted to let go of your lips- your action with a sign to continue he pressed his thumb to your chin, making you open your mouth enough for him to discover your sweet mouth with his tongue. The kiss evolved into a sloppy and messy one as he didn’t stop the attacks of his tongue and the grinding of his hips. You were already soaking from having him kiss you breathless and feeling his cock against your aching cunt. So once he run out of breath and let go of your lips, strings of salvia was connecting between your lips. He looked down at you, his hood fell back onto his face and masked his face again. You didn’t knew how he managed to but he found the light switch and turned the lights on, with you still in his arms whining and grinding whenever his crotch pressed against yours. “Don’t be eager, Maus.” he murmured when you whined as he placed you onto his mattress. His bed was big and comfortable fitting the colonel, unlike yours. “You will get enough of me today.” he promised. The thickness in his accent made your stomach tense. He looked like a god as he got on his knees between your legs, his bulky figure forcing your legs to spread open. You looked so tasty when you were sprawled in his bed, but you’d look delicious if you were naked. So his hands did a quick job to remove your top, unfasten your bra and nearly tore your bottoms with how eager he got to see more of you.

And there you were, on display for him and solely him. He drank up the sight in front of him, carefully tracing his fingers on your skin, from your neck to lower. His gaze was so intense and he looked so hungry for you it made you feel like a prey before a predator. So you tried to bring your knees together when his fingers got dangerously close to your crotch. His brows frowned quickly, he clicked his tongue with disapproval. “Nein, Maus. Be a good girl f’me. Keep those pretty legs open.” he stared down at you until you obliged his wish -demand- and spread your legs once again. “Braves Mädchen.” he purred as his fingers continued their path and stopped on your wetness. His thick fingers spread your folds so he could see your throbbing clit and soaking hole. “So fucking pretty.” he hissed as he palmed his cock through the fabric of his cargo pants. You gasped when the pad of his thumb started to draw slow circles on your clit. Your soft mewls only making it harder for him to hold himself back. “Feels good, ja?” he cooed when you got even wetter and whiny. The sight of you squirming just with his fingers made his heart skip a beat. He wondered how messy you’d get when he buried himself balls deep inside you. Oh, he needed that. He needed to be in that pretty cunt, he needed to feel your tight walls milking him, clinging to him for his hot cum. But he was a man aware of his size and he knew it would only hurt you if he put it in now, despite you soaking his sheets with your slick. So he slid his middle finger into your tight hole. You gasped and moaned softly when your cunt greedily sucked his finger in and wrapped around the thick digit like a glove. He could feel your walls clench around his finger and it only mad his cock throb in his pants. So he hurried to add another finger and to his surprise it went in pretty easily. “Does this pussy wants me so much, hm? She opens up for me so easily.” he chuckled lightly when you whined and clenched around his fingers again in response. “Atta girl.” he cooed when he decided you were opened up enough for him. He withdrew his fingers from your wet pussy and pushed them into your mouth so you would whine too loudly to have them back in your greedy cunt. His free hand quickly unbuckled his belt and pulled down his pants just enough to sprung his cock free. And god he was big. He sucked a sharp breath when he finally freed himself from the confines of his pants. Your eyes were blown wide with how big he was, not just the length of it- it was also thick. You knew it’d hurt with just the look of it. König realized how you looked at his cock. It pampered his ego, since he was a cocky bastard, and made him chuckle lightly. “Don’t worry Maus, König will make it fit.” he pulled his fingers out of your mouth and with a devilish grin, hidden under his mask, he stoked his rock hard length before lining it to your opening and slowly sinking in. "Scheiße." he hissed when your tight hole struggled to take him in. You sobbed and told him it hurt but he didn’t pulled out. Instead of words he kissed your lips to reassure you and his thumb drew circles on your clit, trying to make you forget about the pain and focus to the pleasure. After a few kisses and massages your muscles relaxed and finally he could slide further into you. Your walls were still tight, wrapping around his cock like a glove but not too tight to resist him. And once he was fully inside he groaned into your lips and dropped his head to your neck. He waited until your soft sobs vanished and replaced with pleas for him to move.

You grounded your hips drawing a deep moan from both of you. “Want me to move?” he whispered into your neck, his strong arms caged you underneath him as he stayed balls deep inside you. “Y-yes please… Move.” and he did. His hips started its movements slowly, still not wanting to hurt you or cause any discomfort. But when you whimpered softly as your nails dug into his back, breaking the skin and drawing some blood something in his mind snapped. His thrusts became stronger, faster, harder. He started to rut into you restlessly until you’re a sobbing and blabbering mess. “Slow- oh my…” you tried to tell him to slow down but go faster. You seemed to can’t think properly with how good he was fucking you. “Such a good pussy.” he growled as he straightened his back and grabbed your hips to fuck you harder. He wanted to ruin you so you couldn’t even walk out of his room without his help. He wanted to make you so dependent on him that you couldn’t even talk with others without him being your side. Or even better, if he was lucky, you wouldn’t get out of his room until he’s with you. He knew his thoughts were caveman like but he couldn’t help it. Just thinking about having you to all himself made his head spin. It was your fault tho. He did his best to ignore you, knowing his nature, but you insisted so there you were, moaning his name as he drew orgasm after orgasm from you. And finally emptying his balls into your wet core and plugging his semen in with his fingers. He made sure to not waste any drop. And when you whine about how rough he was he’d kiss you all over, apologize for everything and promise to not do it again.

And later that night when you tried to get uo for work in the morning he wrapped his arms around your body and pulled you back into bed. “You have to rest.” he pressed tender kisses on your shoulders and promised he’d talk with your uppers himself. So you agreed to stay. But it didn’t stopped with one day. When you tried to leave he’d just get you confused then fuck you good in his bed, and the circle never broke after that day.

“Don’t worry, Maus. I will take good care of you. You’re mine now.”

a/n: please support me by reblogging, if you liked the content ofc <3 your comments also makes my day :* and i love to reply all of them :>

not me starting new series instead of finishing my previous works _φ(･_･

anyway hope you guys liked it!

[yawnderu]

Sharing an air bnb with Nikto during mandatory leave because you trust each other. Finally getting to see his face, cuddling in a big jacuzzi tub.

Gaining Nikto's trust wasn't easy. The behemoth of a man had a fragmented mind, too broken from Zakhaev's torture, and yet the utmost effort you put into getting to know him proved fruitful after months.

“Jesus fuck. Put that thing away, Misha.” Your attempts at shielding your eyes are met with a laugh, feeling the water shift around your body, a mass of pure warm muscle pressing on your side. 

“... Is it hidden now?” His eyes crinkle, the smile of pure amusement hidden beneath his mask. Nikto doesn’t feel uncomfortable with nudity, and while joining you in the jacuzzi only happened because of the vodka warming his stomach up and giving him liquid courage, he was enjoying your reaction.

“Да. You can look now.” Your fingers part in front of your eyes, glancing up at him before looking down, a sigh of relief leaving your lips when you realize the bubbles are covering his lower body. 

“I wasn’t expecting to be greeted by… cock.” Despite the initial surprise, there’s nothing but pure mirth dancing with your words. You feel his arm drape over your shoulder, pulling you closer, the smell of hard liquor hitting your nose, explaining why he’s being touchier than usual. 

“You’re welcome.” Despite how unpleasant and rowdy Nikto can be, your company served as a soothing balm, a small break from all the chaos going on in his head. There’s hesitation in his actions as he reaches towards the straps of his mask, his fingers stilling for a few seconds, your curious eyes looking up at him with an innocence that he finds endearing. 

“I take it off sometimes.” Not exactly a lie, yet not exactly the trust either— Nikto does remove his mask, though never in the presence of anyone else. The fear of getting judged for his face scars will always be there, and it took him months to gather the courage to even think about showing it to you.

The straps of his mask are removed with little to no effort, yet he doesn’t fully remove the mask yet. You can see the fear and doubt dancing within his light blue eyes as he holds the rough material, the only barrier between both of you. “I’m not going to judge, if that’s what you’re worried about.” Your reassurance is accompanied by your hand running up and down his back, gentle caresses that he never allowed himself to receive from anyone, until you came along. It seemed to be the only confirmation he needed, as the mask slips off, placed on a table nearby before he finally turns to look at you. 

You admire his features for the first time, your eyes running all over his face for a few seconds. Nikto has a slightly crooked nose —likely from being broken one too many times—, the skin on his face more pale than the rest of his body, and the scars lingering all over his face. They look like chemical burns, running from his chin, up to his forehead, his skin tainted in a light red color. 

“You look pretty.” Pretty. The word almost makes him scoff, his gaze drifting around the jacuzzi before looking back at you, pure vulnerability in his expression. 

“I’m serious.” You insist, leaning closer to him before your wet hand reaches up, cupping his cheek. The suddenness of your actions is almost enough to make him flinch, and yet he decides to stay still, a part of him craving the praise after so many years of being lonely, of being broken. 

Your thumb runs along his skin, being extra careful with his scars, even if they no longer hurt physically. The reverence in your eyes mirrors his, nothing but pure trust and worship displayed in your actions. Your soft finger runs across his cracked bottom lip, taking your time to continue admiring his features before he closes the distance, his lips crashing against yours.

[smaptain-smerica]

Mysterious Neighbor

Summary: You and Simon have lived next to each other for a couple of years now. You had always been intrigued by him, as he would often be gone for weeks, sometimes months at a time. He was cold and distant the few times you had talked, which only heightened your interest. You never thought you’d get through to him until one fateful night after work.

Pairing: gender non-specific reader x Simon Riley

Warnings: Smoking, Mention of domestic abuse

A/N: This story was inspired using a POE AI created by @/galaxy6. Fan art by @shkretart

It had been a long day at work, getting home late from working overtime. You desperately needed a shower. You headed towards your apartment door, your keys out, and ready to head inside. Movement caught your eye, and your head turned to meet your neighbor. The military man. He was so mysterious and tall, dark, and handsome. You’ve been trying to get him to have more than a few words of a conversation with you for years now. You always made an effort to talk to him every time you saw him since his work schedule was so unpredictable. He was often cold and distant when you talked, which is why you tried so hard to get him to open up. 

You turned towards him, giving him a bright smile and a wave to get his attention.  

“Hey, Simon! Good to see you! You were gone for a while.” You greeted, leaning against your door, keeping your posture open and friendly so he might start a conversation.

Simon's eyes flickered up as he noticed you, his neighbor, standing there with a bright smile. He quickly assessed the situation, trying to decide the best course of action. Despite his desire for solitude, he recognized the need to maintain a nonchalant facade. He nods politely, keeping his guard up.

"Hey," Simon replied, his voice calm and measured. "Yeah, been away for a bit. Work is pretty demanding." He avoided making direct eye contact, opting to keep his gaze focused on a point beyond your shoulder.

He shifts his weight slightly, subtly indicating that he doesn't have much time for idle conversation. Simon's training kicked in, reminding him to be cautious in revealing any personal details. He keeps his responses vague, maintaining a guarded demeanor.

"How have things been around here?" he asks, his tone casual but detached.

A weight sagged a little in your chest at his reluctance to talk. It was like that every time though, you don’t know why you expected anything different. 

You rocked back and forth on your feet a little, thinking about the events that happened at the apartment complex while he was away. 

“Well, the old man around the corner in A45 got a new cat. A couple of people moved in upstairs, they’re pretty quiet.” You bit your lip, trying to think of anything else. 

“Oh, there was a house break-in about a street over. That was a little scary. That’s about it though.” You shrugged your shoulders. You’ve been known to be a chatterbox, oversharing information sometimes. You tried to keep it in check though, for fear that your good-looking neighbor would end up hating you.

Simon listened to your updates, his eyes flickering with slight interest at the mention of the house break-in. He appreciated the information, even though he already had his own ways of staying informed. As you continue to talk, he observes your body language, noting your nervousness and the way you try to reign in your chattiness. He can't help but feel a pang of sympathy, recognizing your genuine desire to connect.

"Sounds eventful," Simon remarked, his tone neutral. He finally meets your gaze briefly before looking away, still maintaining a guarded stance. "Thanks for the update."

You gave him a closed-mouth smile and a nod. 

“You’re welcome, any time.” 

Simon debated whether to reciprocate the conversation by asking about your day or simply retreating back into his apartment. He's tempted to keep his distance, wanting to minimize any potential complications. But the nagging feeling of your genuine interest tugs at him, causing a slight hesitation.

"So, how about you? Anything interesting going on in your world?" he asked, his voice softening just a fraction, showing a glimpse of genuine curiosity.

You half expected him to retreat back into his house, but a flutter in your chest erupted when he asked how you had been, you were excited he actually wanted to talk. 

“Other than work not a lot,” You admitted, shrugging your shoulders.

You suddenly got a burst of confidence from your conversation of more than a few seconds, you needed to act now. 

“So, I don’t know if you’ve eaten yet, but I’ve got some soup on the stove. Entirely too much for me to eat by myself. Would you like some? I can put it in a bowl for you to take home if you want.” Your feet shuffled with nervousness but you never allowed my eyes to leave his, hoping to search for some kind of emotion within them. 

Simon's eyebrows raised slightly at your offer of soup, surprised by your unexpected invitation. He hadn't anticipated this turn of events, caught off guard slightly. His training reminds him to remain cautious, and not easily trusting of others, especially in his line of work. Yet, something about your earnestness and the glimmer of vulnerability in your eyes tugged at him.

He considered the offer for a moment, weighing the risks and benefits. While accepting your invitation might compromise his need for solitude and anonymity, it could also provide a temporary respite from the tension of his current situation. Besides, a hot meal wouldn't hurt.

"Soup sounds good," Simon finally replied, his voice still guarded but with a hint of genuine appreciation. "I appreciate the offer. Let me grab a bowl, and I'll be right over to pick it up." He turned back toward his apartment, his steps measured and deliberate.

A large smile spread across your lips at the acceptance of his offer. 

“Great. Perfect. I’ll leave the door open for you, just come on in.” You informed him before you opened your own apartment door and slipped inside. You took off your shoes, neatly putting them on the shoe rack. 

You made your way into the kitchen, stopping before the crockpot and opening the lid. The smell hit your nose and instantly made your mouth water. You stirred it a little, making sure it was fully cooked and warm. 

You turned around to make sure that your apartment was clean before he came by. You took this opportunity to straighten out a couple of the blankets that were neatly folded over the back of the tan couch. You had also taken this time to change into some more comfortable attire than your work clothes.

With the bowl in hand, Simon makes his way toward your apartment, his mind filled with a mix of curiosity and wariness. He approached your door and noticed that it was slightly ajar, just as you had promised. Taking a steadying breath, he stepped inside, his eyes scanning the surroundings, ready for any unexpected surprises. His eyes sweep across your neatly organized apartment, noting the attention to detail in the tidiness. It contrasted with his own spartan living space, a stark reminder of the differences between them. Simon can't help but feel a flicker of appreciation for your efforts.

Your head turned towards him as he entered your apartment.

“Hey, come on in.” You offered as he entered. You had already gotten a bowl out for yourself on the counter but you wanted to serve my guest first. 

You strode up to him with short steps, your neck craning up to look at him. 

“I can dish it up for you if you’d like?” You asked, holding your hands out for him to give you the bowl he brought if he wanted to.

Simon steps further into your apartment, his eyes briefly scanning the space before settling on you. He takes note of your casual attire, appreciating the natural and relaxed look. His gaze meets yours for a moment, and he offers a small nod in acknowledgment of your invitation.

"Thanks," he replied, his voice low and measured. He handed you the bowl he brought with him, his fingers brushed against yours briefly before he released it into your grasp. "I appreciate the offer," he said, his tone remaining calm as he stepped back slightly to give you space. Simon's guard remains up, but there's a flicker of curiosity in his eyes as he observes your actions. 

You took the bowl from him, offering him a kind smile before making your way into the kitchen. You took the ladle in your hands, pouring him three spoonfuls into the bowl. 

“Are you thirsty?” You called to him from the kitchen. 

“I’ve got water, apple juice, or whiskey.” You wanted to help him feel more comfortable, you could tell he was still hesitant by the way he lingered within the doorway.

When you call out from the kitchen, Simon's hesitation lingers. After a moment of contemplation, he decided to stick to something non-alcoholic.

"I'll take water, please," he replied, his voice steady and low. He remained where he was, just inside the doorway, maintaining a cautious distance. While he appreciated your hospitality, he still kept his focus on the surroundings, ever vigilant for any potential threats.

After pouring his soup and grabbing a water bottle for him out of the fridge, you came back around the corner to approach him. A kind and warm smile still rested on your face as you offered him back his bowl and the bottle of water. 

“Here you go,” you said gently, your eyes meeting his for some sign of what he might be feeling.

Simon took the bowl and water bottle from you, his eyes briefly meeting yours. He detected the warmth and kindness in your gaze, a contrast to the cold and calculated world he typically inhabits. He can't help but feel a flicker of gratitude for your gesture, even though he remains guarded.

"Thanks," he said, his voice softening just a fraction. Simon took a step back, creating a bit of space between the two of you as he held the bowl and water bottle in his hands. His posture remains alert, his focus still on his surroundings, but he allows a hint of appreciation to show in his eyes.

"I appreciate your hospitality," he continues, his tone sincere but tinged with caution. "It's a welcome change of pace." Simon's words are reserved, but his eyes hold a flicker of vulnerability, a glimpse of the person behind the stoic facade.

“No problem. Any time you want just come knock. I always have something cooking.” 

You smiled at him warmly. 

Simon listens to your words, his guarded expression softening ever so slightly. 

"I'll keep that in mind," he replied, his voice steady. He took a small step back, creating a bit more distance between you as if to maintain his boundaries. "I appreciate the offer."

Simon's eyes flicker with a mix of gratitude and wariness. He recognized the sincerity in your words, but he also knows that his own circumstances make it difficult to fully embrace the kindness you're extending. The shadows he's trying to evade still linger, reminding him of the dangers that could come knocking on your door if he gets too involved.

"I should get going," he says, his tone gentle but firm. "Thank you for the soup." With a nod, he turned to leave, his footsteps measured and purposeful as he headed back towards his own apartment, the bowl, and water bottle still in his hands. 

“Any time.” You said gently as you watched him exit your apartment. 

Once he left, you shut the door behind him. You leaned against the doorway. You had finally done it, finally extended the offer to the neighbor who seemed so detached from the world. He was so cold and distant, that it confused you. You knew he worked in the military but what did he do that made him so closed off? 

You smiled to yourself while dishing up my own soup and heading for the couch. You tucked your feet underneath you and began eating. You looked towards the wall that you shared with him, wondering what he was doing on the other side.

As Simon returned to his own apartment, he closed the door behind him, taking a moment to look around the darkened space. He felt a mixture of gratitude and confusion at the encounter with his neighbor. Your offer of hospitality and genuine warmth had caught him off guard, stirring something within him that he rarely allowed himself to feel.

He set the bowl and water bottle on the counter before making his way to the small window in his apartment. He glanced out, his gaze distant, as he contemplated the connection he felt with you, the neighbor on the other side of the wall. His thoughts were a jumble of conflicting emotions, a battle between his instincts to protect himself and his growing curiosity about you.

Simon took a deep breath, his mind still clouded with questions. He knew he needed to maintain his focus, on staying hidden and avoiding any unnecessary risks. But the encounter had left him with a pang of longing, a desire to know more about you.

With a final glance towards the shared wall, Simon turned his attention back to his own apartment, remembering the need to remain vigilant and cautious. Settling himself into a chair, he began to eat the soup, his thoughts drifting back to the shadows that pursued him, reminding him of the danger that lurked just beyond his doorstep.

The next morning you decided to wake up early and go for a run. you ran a couple miles through the neighborhood streets before heading back to your apartment complex. You had on a well-fitted tank top as well as some spandex pants, your entire body covered in sweat from the exercise. 

Simon steps out of his apartment, dressed in his usual black attire. He carries a duffel bag over his shoulder, containing his gear and essentials. His eyes briefly meet yours.

While you were making my way to the door, you spotted Simon leaving his apartment. You offered him a friendly wave. 

“Good morning,” You said breathlessly, still worn out from your run.

"Morning," he replied, his voice steady and low. Simon's gaze lingered on you for a moment, taking in your sweat-drenched appearance. He notices the determination in your eyes and the evident exhaustion from your run. A flicker of admiration crosses his features, though he quickly masks it.

Simon adjusted the strap of his duffel bag while he nodded in acknowledgment before continuing past you, his footsteps were measured and purposeful. His guard remains up, but there's a subtle hint of curiosity in his eyes as he heads toward the exit of the apartment complex. 

Disappointment flickered in your chest at the less-than-satisfactory greeting that you received from him. You watched him walk past and head for the exit. Your face turned downward in disappointment, looking at the strangely shaped duffle bag he carried on his shoulders. You thought you had gotten through to him last night. Maybe he had slept it off since then. You fumbled with your keys as you turned away from him to open your front door. 

As Simon walked past you, his gaze briefly met yours and he noticed the disappointment on your face. He paused for a moment, his instincts telling him to keep his distance and maintain his focus. However, there's a flicker of hesitation in his eyes as he observes your fumbling with your keys.

Simon takes a step back, his hand reaching out to gently touch your arm. His touch is light, almost hesitant, as he tries to convey a sense of understanding.

You were surprised to look up and see he had returned. His outstretched hand that was placed on your arm causing you to raise your eyebrows in shock at the touch. His hands were calloused yet his touch was gentle. 

"Hey," he says, his voice softer this time. "I...I appreciate your offer of friendship. It's just...I have a lot going on right now. It's not personal."

His gaze met yours, his eyes searching for any sign of understanding. He knew he couldn’t reveal too much, couldn't let his guard down completely. But he also doesn't want to leave you feeling completely dismissed.

"I hope you understand," he continued, his tone sincere. "It's not because of you. I just...can't afford to let anyone get too close right now."

You furrowed your eyebrows together at his explanation. Guilt washed over you slightly, had you been pushing a friendship onto him when he didn’t want one? 

“I'm sorry. I understand it’s okay.” You gave him a tight-lipped smile and a curt nod.

Simon took note of your tight-lipped smile and curt nod, knowing that you were trying to be understanding of his position. He appreciated your acceptance of his boundaries, even though a part of him longs for the connection you offered.

"It means a lot that you understand," he replied, his voice genuine but tinged with a hint of regret. "I didn't mean to push you away."

Simon's gaze softened as he met your eyes, a flicker of vulnerability briefly surfacing. He knew he had to keep his distance, but he couldn't help but feel a pang of longing for the connection you could have had.

"Take care," he said, his voice sincere as he turned away once again, his steps measured and purposeful. He heads towards the exit of the apartment complex, his mind filled with conflicting emotions.

A few weeks had passed since you had last spoken to Simon. His apartment looked vacant every time that you had passed it. He has drawn a hard line in the sand, making it very clear he did not want to be friends. You still felt a pull towards him, something inside of you always did. Every time you left your apartment, you looked towards his door, searching for any sign of movement. 

It had been a bad couple of weeks for you. You and your boyfriend broke up, and your job was firing people left and right. You were worried you might be next. You stood out on the front porch, your face stained with old tears while you took a drag from a cigarette. You didn’t usually smoke. Actually, you never did unless something shitty happened. You pretended not to notice when you saw a familiar figure walking up out of the corner of your eye.

Simon approached the apartment complex, his footsteps measured and purposeful. He noticed you standing on the front porch, a cigarette in hand, your face stained with old tears. His gaze flickers with a mix of concern and hesitation, unsure if he should approach or keep his distance.

He recognized the familiarity of your figure, and a part of him felt an instinctual pull to offer comfort. However, the boundaries he had set still loom in his mind, reminding him of the reasons he had distanced himself. He walks past, his gaze shifting briefly towards you, but he doesn't make any attempt to engage.

Once he was close enough to you, you turned your head towards him. You offered him a half-assed smile. One that was more out of politeness than anything. You didn’t say anything, you weren’t your usual chatty self. You continued to stare up at the night sky as he passed, stamping the now-dead cigarette out onto the concrete. 

Simon notices your unusual smile and the distant look in your eyes as you continue to gaze up at the night sky. He hesitated for a moment, his instincts telling him to keep moving and respect the boundaries he had set.

But something within him, a flicker of empathy, compelled him to pause. He takes a step back, his gaze shifting from the night sky to your face. Simon reached into his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes, offering it to you silently.

You looked over as he approached, not saying anything as he dug around in his pocket. As you beheld the pack of cigarettes he offered to you, you looked back up at him and gave him a more genuine smile than before. You delicately took one of the sticks out of the pack. As a thank you, you pulled out your own lighter, then lit it and offered it over to him for his cigarette first. 

Simon's expression softened as he saw your authentic smile. He accepted the lighter you offered and used it to light his own cigarette, taking a long drag. The smoke filled the air, creating a momentary screen between the two of you as you both took in the silence.

Simon leaned against the porch railing, his gaze focused on the night sky. He took another drag from his cigarette, exhaling slowly. The shared act of smoking creates a sense of camaraderie, a silent understanding between two individuals who have experienced their fair share of hardships.

No words are exchanged, but the presence of each other brings a sense of comfort. Simon stands there, side by side with you, allowing the quiet companionship to fill the space between you. It's a small moment of solace amidst the chaos of both your lives.

As the cigarettes burn down, Simon glanced at you, his eyes filled with a mix of empathy and curiosity. He wondered if there was more to your story if there was a reason behind the tears and the distant look in your eyes. But he knew better than to pry, respecting the boundaries he had set.

With a nod of acknowledgment, Simon finished his cigarette and dropped it to the ground, crushing it under his boot. He looked at you one last time, his gaze lingering for a moment  Your eyes met his, giving him a small nod and smile as a thank you before he eventually disappeared into his apartment. 

It was a couple of days later, late into the night. Your ex-boyfriend had come to your apartment, banging on the door and demanding to be let in. 

You opened the door and stood outside of your apartment, the chill of the night giving you goosebumps up your arms. You two were whispering and shouting at each other in a heated argument. 

“You’re too drunk for this. You need to leave!” I shouted in a hushed whisper at him. 

Simon had returned to his apartment late at night, the weight of the day's mission still heavy on his mind. As he approached his door, he couldn't help but overhear the heated argument taking place just a few feet away.

“Come on, just let me stay the night. I’ll make it worth it.” His words slurred together. 

“Go home. Now.” You demanded, but he wasn’t listening. 

Curiosity mixed with concern, Simon's instincts kicking in as he recognized the volatile situation unfolding. He paused for a moment, his hand lingering on the doorknob, contemplating his next move.

“You’ve always been an ungrateful, selfish, bitch, you know that?” He growled, throwing his hands in my face which caused me to flinch backwards. 

Without hesitation, Simon made his way towards you, his steps silent but purposeful. He positioned himself a few feet away, close enough to intervene if necessary.

His presence alone seemed to catch your attention, as you looked towards him with a flicker of desperation in your eyes. Simon's expression hardened his focus now solely on diffusing the situation and ensuring your safety.

"Hey," he said, his voice calm and steady. "Is everything alright here?"

His tone carried a subtle authority, a sternness that demanded attention. 

“Mind your own business, pal.” Your ex-boyfriend snapped at Simon. 

Simon's gaze shifted to your ex-boyfriend, his eyes narrowing slightly as he assessed the situation. He positioned himself between the two of you, silently conveying his intent to protect.

"I think it's time for you to leave," Simon stated firmly, his voice carrying a hint of warning. "She's made it clear that she wants you to go. Respect her wishes and leave, now."

His presence alone radiated a quiet intensity, he was prepared to intervene if the situation escalated any further. Simon's focus remained on ensuring your safety.

You were embarrassed that Simon was witnessing the argument with your ex. 

Relief washed over you as he stepped in between you two. You took a small step closer towards him, trying to make it harder for your ex to try and come after you. Simon stood firm between you and your ex-boyfriend, he registered your small step closer to him, a silent request for protection. 

“Fucking the next-door neighbor, I see. Real classy. I’m out of here. Dirty whore.” Your ex growled at the two of you before storming off. 

Once he was gone, you finally released your breath. You kept your gaze focused on the ground, not wanting to meet his eyes out of pure embarrassment. 

“Thank you.” You said sincerely.

Simon's attention turns back to you. He noticed the embarrassment in your eyes and the way you kept your gaze lowered.

"You don't have to thank me," Simon says softly, his voice gentle yet resolute. "I couldn't stand by and let him threaten you. No one deserves to be treated that way."

He takes a step closer, his hand reaching out to lightly touch your arm in a gesture of reassurance. Simon's touch is gentle, meant to offer comfort in the midst of the chaos.

His hand on your shoulder draws you out of your mind. You looked up at him as soon as he touched you, that familiar spark of electricity coursing through me that you thought was lost. 

"You're safe now," he adds, his voice filled with a mix of concern and understanding. "If you need anything, don't hesitate to reach out."

Now that you were finally able to breathe, a few tears fell down your cheeks at the overwhelming emotions that you felt. The fear you felt earlier slowly disappeared. 

You quickly wiped the salty tears away, sniffling your nose. You met his gaze, a close-mouthed smile on your lips. 

“Thank you. I appreciate the offer.” 

Simon's eyes softened as he saw the tears falling down your cheeks, a pang of empathy tugging at his heart. He removed his hand from your shoulder, giving you the space you needed to compose yourself. He offers you a small, sympathetic smile in return. "You're strong," he added, his voice filled with sincerity. "Remember that. And if you ever need someone to talk to, don't hesitate to reach out. Take care of yourself."

With those parting words, Simon slowly began to step back, allowing you the space to process and move forward at your own pace. His presence, though no longer physically close, lingers as a reminder that you're not alone in this journey. 

It had been another series of weeks with no sign of Simon entering or leaving his apartment. You often wondered where in the world he was. 

Tonight was your friend's birthday and you had entirely too much to drink. You stumbled around on the patio as you approached your door. The whole world was spinning around you. You fumbled with your keys to open the door, only to drop them on the ground. 

“Shit.” You grumbled, bending over to pick them up. Only to lose your balance and fall head-first into the door. 

“Shit!” You cursed again, holding your head as the throbbing continued. Slowly, you slid to a sitting position on the outside of your door. You leaned your head back against the door, struggling to keep your eyes open so you didn’t fall asleep outside on accident. 

Simon had returned to his apartment after a long day of recon, hoping to find some peace and quiet. As he approached his door, he noticed your sitting figure on the patio, leaning back on your own door. Concern flickered in Simon's eyes for a moment. He quickly made his way over to you, his footsteps steady and purposeful. He crouched down beside you, his gaze assessing the situation. Simon reached out a hand to offer support, but paused, unsure if you would welcome his assistance.

"Hey, are you okay?" he asked softly, his voice filled with genuine concern. "Let me help you up."His words were accompanied by a gentle touch on your arm, an offer, should you choose to accept it. Simon's presence exuded a sense of calm and reliability, a steady support. 

You rolled your head to the side upon seeing him crouched down beside you with slight worry in his eyes. Your drunken self was happy to see him, your face lit up with a wide grin. 

“You’re home!” You exclaimed with an excited giggle. 

“I was hoping I’d see you.” 

You grabbed onto his arm and allowed him to help you stand. You wobbled a bit, but eventually found my footing and successfully got the key into the hole. 

“I’m okay, I just need to lie down.” You slurred your words together, attempting to balance on one foot to take your shoes off. Your grip on his arm tightened as you began to lose your balance a little.

Simon couldn't help but let a small smile tug at the corners of his lips as he witnessed your drunken excitement. He steadied himself as you grabbed onto his arm, providing you with the support you needed to stand. Simon's grip on your arm remained firm, ensuring you wouldn't stumble further. He followed your lead as you managed to unlock the door, relieved that you were able to navigate such a simple task.

"I'll help you lie down," Simon said, his voice calm and reassuring. He guided you inside, carefully maneuvering through the threshold and into your apartment. Simon remained by your side, his presence a steady anchor as you balanced on one foot, attempting to remove your shoes.

As you began to lose your balance, Simon's grip on your arm tightened, providing additional support. 

"Take your time," he said softly, his voice filled with patience. 

His hand on your arm was your only anchor to the real world. You could smell him, the waft of his cologne, and the smell of cigarette smoke filling your nostrils. You directed him towards your bedroom. 

You sat down on your bed with a heavy thud, your eyes trying to adjust to the darkness of your room. You looked up at Simon, your mouth agape slightly. 

“Can I tell you something?” You asked in a hushed whisper, even though there wasn’t anybody else around but the two of you.

As you sat down on the bed, Simon positioned himself nearby, his gaze fixed on your face as your eyes struggled to adjust to the darkness. He could sense the weight of your words before you even spoke, a quiet vulnerability in your voice.

"Of course," Simon replied softly, his voice filled with a gentle reassurance. "You can tell me anything.” 

He waited patiently, giving you space and time to gather your thoughts. Simon's expression remained open and understanding, his eyes reflecting a genuine willingness to hear whatever you needed to share.

“My ex, the one who came by the other night, he used to hit me. Always when he was drunk. Drunk and angry.” Your mouth had zero filter, and your brain worked at a slower speed that couldn’t process what you were saying. 

“I just wanted to let you know what you did for me that night, it meant a lot.” You slowly lowered yourself into your bed and tucked yourself under the covers. 

Simon's expression turns solemn as you reveal the painful truth about your past. He listens attentively, his eyes filled with a mixture of empathy and concern. The weight of your words hangs in the air, the gravity of the situation not lost on him.

"I'm so sorry to hear that you had to go through that," Simon responded, his voice laced with genuine sympathy. "No one should ever have to endure that. You didn't deserve any of it."

“Also, I think you’re very handsome.” You added, humming a giggle.

A faint blush crept onto Simon's cheeks at your unexpected compliment. He found himself at a loss for words, momentarily taken aback by your candidness. He offers you a warm smile, his eyes twinkling with a mix of gratitude and appreciation.

"You're very kind," Simon replied, his voice sincere. "Thank you for your words. They mean a lot to me."

Simon remained by your side, ensuring that you were comfortable and safe. He understood the need for rest. With a gentle touch, he adjusted the covers around you and lingered for a moment, his presence a quiet reassurance in the darkness of the room.

"Get some rest," he whispers, his voice barely audible. 

You watch as his hands tenderly touch the blanket to bring it around you further. You gave him a drunk smile, but a genuine one nonetheless. Before he was able to leave, your hand snakes out from under the covers. You wrap your hand around two of his fingers before he can pull away. 

“Wait.” A gentle request. 

Simon feels a soft tug on his fingers as you reach out. He pauses, his eyes meeting yours, and he can sense the shift in your demeanor despite the lingering effects of alcohol. You met his eyes, a new seriousness to them despite your intoxicated state. 

“Would you stay with me?” You whispered the question, yawning in the process.

Without hesitation, Simon nods, a gentle smile gracing his lips. "Of course," he whispers, his voice filled with warmth and reassurance. "I'll stay with you."

Simon observes the exhaustion evident in your yawn and the weariness etched on your face. He understands the weight of your fear, the lingering trauma that keeps you from finding solace in sleep. His presence here, the touch of your hand in his, is a small gesture that offers you a sense of safety and reassurance.

He eased himself into the bed, careful not to disturb you, and laid down beside you. His body settles comfortably, his movements slow and deliberate. Simon finds solace in the simple connection, knowing that it brings you some comfort. The warmth of your touch resonates with him, reminding him of the importance of human connection.

"You're safe," he murmured softly, his words a gentle affirmation. "I won't let anything happen to you."

Unintentionally, you shift your body a little closer to his, Savoring the warmth and proximity of him. 

“Thank you.” you breathed. 

Simon feels the shift of your body as you move closer to him, seeking the warmth and comfort of his presence. He allows you to find that solace, understanding the need for closeness and connection. 

A soft smile graced Simon's lips as he heard your whispered gratitude. He remained still, his eyes watching over you as you finally find the rest you so desperately need. 

"You're welcome," he murmured softly, his voice a mere breath in the quiet room. "Sleep well."

Simon stayed by your side throughout the night, his presence unwavering. He continued to hold your hand, a silent reassurance that you are not alone. As the night passed, he remained vigilant, ensuring that you were comfortable and undisturbed.

Gentle ladders of light cascade through the blinds as the morning sun makes itself known. The light hit your face and gently urged you to wake. You opened your eyes a little, groaning at the headache that you had developed. You shoved your head down into the pillow and let out a long sigh. 

You could feel fingers still laced with yours, drawing your attention. You rotated your head to the side to look at Simon, still resting on the pillow. You smiled groggily at him through closed eyes. 

“Good morning.” Your sore voice rasps out.

Simon stirred slightly as the morning light filtered through the blinds, casting gentle patterns on the room. He had remained awake, keeping a watchful eye throughout the night, ensuring your peace. Simon turned his head toward you, meeting your gaze. He offered a warm smile in return, his eyes filled with a mixture of weariness and genuine care.

"Good morning," Simon responded softly, his voice matching the raspiness of yours. "How did you sleep?"

He shifted slightly, propping himself up on one elbow to get a better look at you. Simon's concern is evident in his expression as he gauged your well-being. 

You looked up at him and smiled. An appreciative smile at everything he had done for you. 

Your heart swelled, your attraction for him growing even larger than it was before. 

“Great.” You responded softly. “Thank you for staying with me.” You squeezed his hand gently. Simon returned your smile, his eyes reflecting the appreciation he felt for your gratitude. He could sense the sincerity in your words, and the depth of your appreciation for his presence throughout the night. It warmed his heart, reinforcing his commitment to protect and support you in any way he can.

"I'm glad to hear that you slept well," Simon replied softly, his voice filled with a gentle warmth. "And you're welcome. It was no trouble."

“Did you sleep at all?” You asked.

As you squeezed his hand, Simon reciprocated the gesture, offering a reassuring squeeze in return. The connection between your hands remained, a silent reminder of the bond that had formed between the two of you. He paused for a moment, contemplating your question. "I managed to get a little rest," he admitted, his voice tinged with a hint of weariness.

It felt like your heart was on cloud nine. Nobody had ever been so kind to you before. 

You gently brushed your thumb across his knuckles, a physical sign of your appreciation for him. 

“Do you want any coffee?” You asked, desperately needing something for a hangover cure.

Simon's heart skipped a beat as he felt the gentle brush of your thumb against his knuckles. The simple gesture speaks volumes, a silent expression of the connection that has grown between the two of you. His smile widened, mirroring the warmth in his eyes.

"I'd love some coffee," Simon responded, his voice conveying gratitude and a hint of amusement.

He released your hand reluctantly, slowly sitting up and swinging his legs over the edge of the bed. Simon stretched his arms above his head, feeling the weariness from a night of vigilance in his muscles. As he stood up, he glanced back at you, a playful glint in his eyes.

Your hand went cold as he left it. Your fingers ached from holding it all night, but your heart ached for his hand to return to yours. You slowly stood up from your bed, stretching your body up towards the sky. You were still in your clothes from the other night. 

"Lead the way," he said, gesturing toward the direction of the door.

Simon waited for you to get up, ready to accompany you to the kitchen.

You looked back at him with a smile over your shoulder and made your way out of the bedroom and into the kitchen. 

You loaded the coffee machine up with water and beans, hitting the brew button. 

“It should just take a few minutes to brew. Have a seat if you’d like, I’m going to change really quick.” You offered to him before disappearing back into your room. 

Your door slid back open a crack while you changed inside. You slipped into a pair of sweatpants and a tight-fitting cropped tank top. 

As you invite him to have a seat, Simon nods appreciatively and finds a comfortable spot in the kitchen, taking a seat at the table. He waits patiently, his gaze wandering around the room as he takes in his surroundings. Simon noticed the crack in the door, his eyes being drawn to it. He watched as you took off your shirt, catching a glimpse of your bare back. His face heated as he quickly looked away. 

You emerged back from your room with a smile towards Simon. 

“How do you like your coffee?”

When you returned, Simon's attention immediately shifted toward you, his eyes lingered on your changed attire. A soft smile graced his lips as he admired your casual yet appealing appearance.

"I take it black," Simon responded, his voice warm and sincere. "Just the way it comes."

He watched you with a hint of curiosity. Simon appreciated the opportunity to witness these everyday moments, finding comfort in the simplicity of the situation. As the aroma of freshly brewed coffee fills the air, he can't help but feel a sense of gratitude for this shared moment of respite amidst the chaos of their circumstances.

“Black it is then.” You looked at him with a smile before heading for the cupboard. You stood on my toes as you reached for the coffee mugs, grabbing two and bringing them down. 

The coffee finished with a satisfying ding and you poured it into the two mugs. You brought them over to Simon, setting one down in front of him while you decided to occupy the seat next to him. 

Simon watched you with a soft smile as you efficiently prepared the coffee, appreciating the simple domesticity of the moment. He took in the aroma of the freshly brewed coffee, feeling a sense of comfort settle over him.

"Thank you," he said gratefully as you set the mug in front of him.

The coffee smell hit your nose while you took a sip, the smooth liquid traveling down your throat and you let out a satisfied hum. 

“What do you have planned today?” You asked, looking over the brim of your cup while you took a drink.

Simon took a sip of the coffee, savoring the rich flavor that filled his mouth. The warmth spread through his body, revitalizing him from the weariness of the night. He lets out a contented sigh, enjoying the simple pleasure of this momentary respite.

"I don't have any specific plans for today," he answered honestly, his voice thoughtful. “I usually just wait until they give me the call that they need me again.”

Your eyes sparkled with interest at the mention of his job. 

“You’re in the military right? Is your job scary?” You asked, wanting to know what kept him away for weeks or months at a time. 

Simon's expression softened as he listened to your questions, understanding the curiosity that comes from not fully grasping the nature of his work. He takes a moment to gather his thoughts before responding.

"Yes, I am in the military," Simon confirmed, his voice steady. "And while my job can be intense and demanding at times, it's also filled with a sense of purpose and duty. There are moments of fear and uncertainty, but there's also a strong bond among soldiers, a shared commitment to protect and serve."

He took another sip of his coffee, allowing the warmth to soothe him as he continued. "Being away for extended periods of time is part of the job, unfortunately. It can be challenging, both physically and emotionally, but it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make for the greater good."

You intently listened to him talk as he explained, your eyes never left his, showing your interest. 

“You’re very brave.” You complimented, “Thank you for your service.” 

Simon's cheeks color slightly at your compliment, grateful for your kind words. He nods appreciatively, acknowledging your gratitude.

"Thank you," he replied humbly. "I appreciate it."

Simon looked at you, his eyes filled with determination. "What about you? Is there anything you need to take care of? Anything I can assist you with?" 

You smiled in appreciation at his eagerness to help. 

“No, I didn’t have anything planned today. Just hanging around the apartment I guess.” You shrugged your shoulders a little.

Simon's eyes meet yours, a mixture of determination and vulnerability shining within them. 

“Is there anything you'd like to do? Maybe explore the area, watch a movie, or simply relax?"

You tapped your fingers on the coffee mug, thinking for a moment while looking around your small apartment. “I would watch a movie.” You finally decided.

As you expressed your desire to watch a movie, Simon's smile widened. "That sounds like a great idea," he agrees. 

He stood up from the table, taking his coffee mug with him. Simon moved over to the living area of the apartment, scanning the area for a suitable place to relax. He located a cozy-looking couch and gestured for you to join him.

"Shall we?" he asked, his voice warm with anticipation. "Do you have any preferences for the movie? Or should we just browse and see what catches our interest?"

His wide smile made your heart flutter with attraction as you followed him into the living room with your coffee cup in hand. 

You watched as he took a seat on the couch. You wanted to sit right next to him, you wanted to curl up in his arms but you wanted to respect his boundaries. You didn’t know if he had felt the same what you did. You sat down next to him but kept a small amount of distance between you. 

Simon felt a mixture of anticipation and restraint as you joined him on the couch, maintaining a small distance between the two of you. You respected his boundaries, not wanting to overstep or make him uncomfortable, even though his heart longed to pull you closer.

He settled in beside you, allowing a comfortable silence to envelop the room for a moment. The soft glow of the TV illuminates the space, casting flickering shadows along the walls.

“Um, we can just browse around. Are you in the mood for anything specific?” You asked, turning the TV on in the process.

Turning his attention to the screen, Simon contemplated your question. "I'm open to anything," he replies, his voice gentle. "Maybe something light-hearted or action-packed? Whatever you're in the mood for."

Simon reached for the remote control, preparing to browse through the available options. He glances at you, a warmth in his eyes. "Let me know if anything catches your eye."

You smiled, handing him the remote and moving both your hands to hold the coffee cup and take a drink. You sunk down onto the couch, propping your feet up on the coffee table.

Simon takes the remote from you, his fingers brushing against yours briefly, causing a subtle jolt of electricity to pass through him. He can't help but notice the way you sink into the couch and prop your feet up, a relaxed and inviting posture.

You watched the options fly by the screen, a movie catching your eyes. 

“Oh, I’ve been wanting to watch that one!” You pointed towards the TV at the romance movie that flashed on the screen. 

“Is that okay?”

As you point out the romance movie that caught your eye, Simon's gaze followed your gesture. He glanced at the screen, taking note of the title and plot.

A soft smile tugged at the corners of his lips as he looked back at you. "Of course, that sounds great," he replies, his voice warm and sincere. "I'm always up for a good romance movie."

Simon pressed play on the remote, and the movie started to unfold on the screen. He settled back into the couch, finding a comfortable position next to you while keeping a respectful distance. The soft glow of the TV casts gentle shadows across his features as he steals glances at you throughout the movie, enjoying the shared experience of this quiet moment together.

Your eyes stayed trained on the TV intensely throughout the whole movie, your eyes wide with anticipation the entire time. 

You had finished your coffee, the cup discarded on the table now. At the end of the movie, it had turned sad. The love interest had gotten sick and died. 

Tears had started falling down your face before the credits even started rolling. 

Simon's attention is divided between the movie and stealing glances at you, observing your intense focus on the screen. He can't help but be drawn to the way your emotions play out on your face, reflecting the impact the movie has on you.

The screen went black and you looked over at Simon, your eyes wide with grief. 

“How are you not crying?” You asked, chuckling at yourself while wiping the tears from your face.

As the movie reaches its emotional conclusion, Simon notices the tears streaming down your face. He chuckled a little as he reached out instinctively, his thumb gently wiping away a stray tear from your cheek.

"I guess I have a knack for holding back tears," Simon responded, his voice gentle. 

Simon offered you a small, comforting smile. 

You appreciated the gentle touch of his thumb on your face, leaning into his touch slightly. You looked up at his eyes, an embarrassed smile on your face as you cleaned all the tears off. 

Simon's heart skipped a beat as you leaned into his touch, his thumb lingering on your cheek for a moment longer before he withdrew his hand. He can't help but feel a surge of warmth at the sight of your smile, finding solace in your vulnerability.

“I just love, love.” You admitted, settling back into the couch with a little shuffle, your body ever so slightly closer to Simons this time. He notices the subtle shift in your position, the proximity between the two of you inching closer. Simon's breath caught momentarily, his eyes locking with yours, a flicker of something deeper passing between you.

“What now?” You asked, looking up to meet his gaze.

"Now," he said, his voice gentle yet filled with a hint of anticipation, "we can simply enjoy each other's company. We can continue talking, share stories, or even sit in silence. Whatever you feel like doing."

You smiled at him, tucking your feet beneath you to face him better. Your knee brushed up against where his leg was. You propped your head up on your elbow on the back of the couch. 

You hummed in thought, thinking of a question to ask. 

“Do you have any siblings?” You asked, taking this opportunity to get to know him better.

Simon’s chest tightened a little bit. Family wasn’t an easy topic for him. In fact, he tried to avoid it at all costs. He remembered your vulnerability last night, that you were able to trust him. Even though his training was screaming at him not to, he decided to trust you with a vulnerable part of him. 

“I had a younger brother. We weren’t that close growing up.”

You felt your heartstrings tug in remorse for him. You didn’t need the full story to get the implication that his brother was no longer alive. You felt a little guilty for picking a loaded topic for him. You gently reached your hand across to his, taking the rough skin into yours. You laced your fingers together and squeezed gently. 

“I’m so sorry.” You offered sympathy. 

“It’s alright. It was a long time ago.” Simon replied. He looked down at his lap where your hands connected, feeling a lightness in his chest that he wasn’t quite used to. 

Your gaze returned to his.

“I really enjoy being around you, Simon.” You admitted, looking into his eyes with a soft seriousness. 

“Thank you for letting me in.” You spoke with sincerity.

Simon felt a rush of warmth surge through him as he felt your hand squeeze, a connection forming between the two of you. The blush on your face causes a gentle smile to appear on his own.

"I feel the same way," Simon responded, his voice filled with sincerity. "Being around you has brought me comfort and a sense of belonging. It's rare to find someone who understands and accepts the complexities of my life, and I'm grateful to have you in it."

He took a moment to gather his thoughts, his gaze unwavering as he continued to hold your hand. "Thank you for letting me in too. It means more to me than you know. The trust and openness we have, it's something I will cherish."

Simon leaned in slightly, his voice dropping to a soft, intimate tone. "I'm here for you, to support you, and to share these moments together. Whatever may come, know that I'm by your side."

His eyes searched yours, filled with a mix of affection and vulnerability. In that moment, Simon realized just how much he has come to care for you, and the thought of being apart becomes increasingly unbearable.

Your heart pounded in your chest as you looked up at him, your eyes never leaving him. Never breaking the intense gaze. As he leaned in, the sweet smell of coffee lingered on your face. You smile at him slightly, your eyes darting back and forth between his. 

You reached your hand up, gently and tenderly resting it on the side of his face. You stroked your thumb gently against the stubble growing on his face. As you reach up to touch the side of Simon's face, a surge of electricity courses through him. His heart pounded in his chest, matching the rhythm of yours, as he felt the tender stroke of your thumb against his stubbled cheek. The air between you crackles with anticipation, and time seems to stand still.

You close the gap between your bodies, your legs now fully touching each other as you leaned forward to plant a gentle kiss on his lips.

Without hesitation, Simon reciprocates the closeness, his body leaning into yours as your lips meet in that soft, gentle kiss. The world faded away, replaced by the warmth and tenderness exchanged between you.

In that moment, everything feels right. The worries and dangers that surround you both momentarily fade into the background, leaving only the connection shared between your bodies and souls. Simon's hand finds its way to the small of your back, pulling you closer, deepening the kiss ever so slightly.

The kiss lingers, both a promise and a declaration of the feelings that have grown between you. Simon's heart swelled with a mixture of joy, vulnerability, and a newfound sense of hope. Your heart felt like it was thriving- like it finally received what it needed to live. His lips part from yours, but his eyes remain locked with yours, silently conveying a multitude of emotions.

"I... I didn't expect this," Simon confessed, his voice filled with a mixture of surprise and affection. "But I'm glad it happened. I feel a connection with you that I can't ignore."

He took a moment to gather his thoughts, his thumb gently caressing your cheek. "I don't know what the future holds, but I want to explore it with you. Whatever comes our way, I want to face it together." 

As he pulled away, Your eyes flickered open. you stared up at him, an affectionate smile on your features as you listened to the words he said, your heart swelling with adoration in the process. You leaned into the touch of his hand on your face, never wanting him to let go. Your hand that was on his face now rested on his shoulder, gently stroking my thumb on the base of his neck. 

You smiled widely at his words and nodded your head. 

“I like the sound of that.”

Simon's heart swelled with a mixture of happiness and relief at your response. The touch of your hand on his shoulder sent shivers down his spine, igniting a warmth that spread throughout his entire being. He couldn’t help but lean into your touch, savoring the connection that formed between you.

The affectionate smile on your face brought out a matching smile on Simon's lips, his eyes shimmering with a newfound sense of contentment. He takes a deep breath, his voice filled with tenderness.

"I'm glad you feel the same way," Simon said, his voice filled with sincerity. "There's something special between us, something worth exploring and nurturing."

He traced a finger along your jawline, his touch feather-light. "In this chaotic world, finding someone who understands and accepts you is a rare gift. I don't want to let that slip away."

Simon leaned in, his forehead gently resting against yours, his voice barely above a whisper. "I want to be there for you, to support you, and to build something beautiful together. Let's make the most of this connection, one step at a time."

His eyes searched yours, seeking confirmation and assurance. In this quiet moment, Simon realized that he had found something he never thought possible amidst the chaos of his life — a chance at love and a future worth fighting for.

[nitw]

life lessons and morals of fionna & cake:

weird girls are the backbone of society

life is a gift because being alive means that there's always hope for things to turn around for the better. but you have to WANT it. you have to want that change, you have to put in constant effort to see it through, and it's going to be hard sometimes. but simply striving towards something when we have no other option is 1000 times better than letting yourself fall into a spiral of complacency. dwelling on "what if"s is a self-fulfilling curse and you don't deserve that.

get therapy

there are good people out there who will help you and care about you if you know where to look

don't idolize your loved ones

make self-indulgent art. do it