#i know Jesus will help me get through it | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

harukaluvr · 3 months ago

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genuinely tweaking out

#i cannot do this #Lord please #help me #i trust him with everything and i know i have a path in life #but i genuinely feel like i cannot do it anymore #i don’t even know where it came from #i just have an overwhelmingly amount of sadness and anxiety #out of nowhere #but i feel like giving up #i know Jesus will help me get through it #it’s hard sometimes tho idk #anyway #i guess

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possiblyfunny · 5 months ago

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Hey, look guys, more art-

HOPE.

I’ve been wanting to draw him like this ever since I first saw him smile, but my will to draw eluded me until now! This started off as a doodle, so, please excuse the messiness. I drew this to de-stress.

“Fire” Red belongs to @creatively-cosmic. They have a blog called @themissingnumbers, which is really good! Go check it out if you want to see more.

[Sketch + Colored Version below the cut!]

#Not my greatest work but it’s what I made :)#Hope you don’t mind the lack in quality- haha #I’ve made better pieces #but I still like this one!#I feel like I’m getting better at drawing his hair lmao-#I just kinda messed around with this one but I really wanted to draw him smiling #Fire smiling makes me happy :)#He deserves to be happy #and I hope I can help him attain that happiness.#Even if my help is the equivalent of Baby Steps lmao #Gotta start somewhere!#I could not find the font used for the hidden text for the life of me #but I found a similar one!#Hope Starry and the Mods are doing well!#And I hope we get to see more Happy/Hopeful Fire in the future :)#His smile is precious-#(Bonus!: Y’know what I really wanna see? Red smiling. And not the creepy wide/crazy/manic smiles he usually has.#I mean a true honest-to-god genuine smile. Now THAT would be a sight for the history books. Red deserves to smile too.#Just like everyone else does.#That might be my next goal aside from befriending Leaf—getting Red to smile.#Is that probably going to be extremely difficult? Oh most definitely! But I think he’s worth the effort.)#(Bonus-Bonus!: I wanna give Red a hug so bad-#but I also feel like he’d bite me or something if I tried :(#Maybe he’d just let it happen? Or cry. Or both—who knows?#Red deserves some gentle treatment. He’s been through a lot too.)#I wonder who I’ll get the will to draw next? Hopefully I’ll do them justice!#Long ahh tags Jesus Christ- Didn’t know I could max them out.#Missing Numbers #Fire Red Yuuji #My Art

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butnotbubblegum · 4 months ago

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using the tags to vent my current emotional state into the void bc ig story feels like a bad plan for this, read at your own risk.

#but jesus christ coming back home while already knee deep in a suicidal episode was an awful idea #like i was maybe on the verge of improving and then i came back to all of this family bullshit #and the place as well like it’s so. i don’t want to say isolated necessarily. but so much it’s own little bubble #and i spent the last eight or nine years i lived here depressed and the last six suicidal #and being back here feels like the actual place is telling me to die #and i don’t think it helps that every place i go i know or know of someone who successfully committed suicide #like. oh this person drowned themself here. or that person hung themself in these woods. or several people jumped off the side of this clif #like. it all feels like reminders of my failures. and it’s like. cmon. wouldn’t it be easy. all you need to do is jump. is slit your throat #is find a decent piece of rope. idk. but everything is so much and i just want it to stop and it feels like the ground itself #is giving me a way to do it.#i genuinely feel like i’m like 16 or 17 again. and everything that isn’t within these hills #feels like a haze and not actually real. like the concept of buxton doesn’t actually exist and my friends do not actually exist and nothing #actually exists except the place i’m in and my family and the pub #i think going back to work at the pub was a mistake; i think it’s making this worse. especially because it’s henry’s dad’s local #and where henry’s wake was. and nothing there has changed at all. it’s like the whole last year never happened.#and i only need to get through two more days but it feels like an impossible task and i keep thinking being back in york will fix me but id #if that even true like. i was suicidal before i left. and it’s going to be intense and stressful and then i have to leave again.#come back here and do three full weeks of this all over again. i haven’t even managed two yet this time around. and i feel like #such a failure and such a drain on my friends (and on one in particular) because it just #is so much and has been so long and everything is complicated and awful and i think if i hadn’t come back i’d be in a normal mental state #by now. that’s the worst fucking part. and also the whole thing of i know how to be suicidal here. i know how to not give a shit about #living here. i know how to do that. but ive never had to try before. like im trying to improve and im trying to hold on and hold off the #urges to kill myself or self harm or whatever because i said i would and because i KNOW it can be better than this and bc i love my friends #and they love me and i don’t want to upset them or make them anxious or anything like that and kat made me promise to try and im trying so #fucking hard and it feels like it’s not even worth the effort because it’s so much effort and everything is so overwhelming and awful and i #hate the way my family interacts and i just want everything to stop and idc if suicide is the cowards way out or selfish or whatever #bullshit people say it feels like the only option i can actually withstand because everything is so much pain and so much effort and so muc #everything and i can’t deal with it anymore. and also i forgot just how much i have to fucking mask in front of my parents and especially m #father and it’s so exhausting and i can’t sleep and there’s so much yelling and i just need it all to stop #i’ve had major breakdowns the last 3 nights about wanting to die so much & trying so hard to not let myself & idk how much longer i can tak

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p4nishers · 1 year ago

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can we actually take a moment and remember swan upon leda? can we actually shut the fuck up and sit the fuck down and think about our lord and savior swan upon leda because i'm tired of doing it alone every single day guys

#the title itself!!! THE FUCKING TITLE #swan UPON leda #god he's an actual genius THANK U HOZIER SO FUCKING MUCH #i hate how that myth is portrayed and received and objectified bc they make it out to be such a funny little chuckle story like 'hahaha led #is SO easy that she fell for a swan isn't that actually the funniest thing you've ever heard omg like women are literally so easy to please #whatever whatever blahblahblah yes that's fucking hilarious matthew thank u SO much for that absolutely fascinating commentary on a women #getting raped by a god really truly an amazing insight into ur pea fucking brain #like fuck sorry but i just absolutely despises how this myth is made out to be and i remember learning abt it in class and being literally #nauseated bc guess fucking what it's literally not hard to understand wtf is happening and while u r laughing away about i repeat a WOMEN #getting RAPED some fucking of us have brain enough to be mortified #jesus ANYWAY #hozier dropped that song after roe v wade was over turned and i just i love him so fucking much he cares SO MUCH and before anything else #he's an activist and he actually gives a shit about women's rights and he dropped this song as a comfort as something to hold onto but also #as a social commentary and he linked charities and resources to help women and keep them safe and this song just means everything to me #bc greek mythology often gets reduced to children stories bc most ppl know myths from children books and obviously a book for kids not gonn #outloud say the word rape or even imply that that's what's happening and that's fine ig but bc so many ppl know it from there it gets #reduces to a joke and a raped women gets ridiculed but hozier actually took one of the few poems about leda being raped and it being a rape #at all and made it into a song during a time that was so traumatizing for ever afab person in the world basically and it just says 'i see #you i see what you're going through and i'm listening and i actually care and i want to help you' and he's helping by writing a song yes bc #he's spreading the word that way bc that's how movements are spread and people listen to him when he's singing and that's how he helps and #i did i mention that i love him? bc i'd actually do anything for him and to meet him and tell him how much he fucking means to me #the line that always gets me is 'a crying CHILD pushes a CHILD into the night' bc yes she was a fucking child who had to deliver 4 KIDS BC #AN ASSHOLE DECIDED SHE WAS PRETTY ENOUGH TO FUCK and nobody ever cares that she was just a child and her child helen was just a child when #she was abducted and raped and impregnated (JUST LIKE HER MOTHER) by theseus a supposed great hero and im genuinely sick she was just a #child like so many women or girls in greek mythology and ik it was a different time back then or wtv but they were just GIRLS and nobody #cared about that or cares now. but this song does.#bc of course it does it's hozier.#hozier #swan upon leda

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rezdragon · 11 days ago

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I'm full expecting those Mormons to come back in the following weeks and I'm not sure how I'm gonna handle that.

#on one hand i would love to talk these guys out of their creepy cult and get to know them as people #on the other hand i do not want to sit through 4 lectures about jesus #also they tried to ask if they could help me out with anything in my house and i was like NOPE #it's literally their mission to get into your home if they get that far you're basically broken down to them

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panspy · 7 months ago

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hmmmmmm.................vent post under tags...... feel free to give advice or dont¯\_(ツ)_/¯

#i think this is an autism related thing #but i genuinely feel like i wasnt made right for the world we live in #like something is just missing from me that ive never seen ppl talk about #and i know this is going to sound entitled and privileged and i KNOW i know i promise and im so lucky i can even be thinking about this but #it feels weird to have the privilege to be scared #this is specifically in regards to working #like having a job. like going to work #i feel like im missing an extremely important part of my brain or my BEING that is capable ot going through the motions of participating #in society. i never felt that switch of wanting to get a job in high school to make money for myself and get that experience #i feel like there's something i MISSED where everyone took a class on how to apply and go to interviews and write resumes and not be scared #like i NEED to be walked through every SINGLE step because i dont know HOW #and i see my peers and the literal entire world around me participating in this atmosphere and i dont know where to start #im fucking twenty three years old and ive only ever been an intern and an assistant #not even a full year of working #i cant drive and i probably wont ever because thats a whole other can of worms #and that means i have to rely on other people to even get to wherever it was i needed to go #i feel like a fucking child because im missing this knowledge that everyone else seems to have #ive tried i really have but none of it seems simple and its all so much and there arent steps to follow #i mean there ARE but its like 1) look up job 2) apply 3) interview 4) yay you're employed #and im talking about each micro step inbetween #what am i missing #and then theres the fucking demand avoidance that slaps me across the face whenever my mom brings it up to me like i KNOW youre being #supportive and encouraging and its not your fault my brain turns off and decides im full of shame bc i cant CONFRONT ANYTHING #jesus christ #manf i know u can see this maybe dont bring it up to mom i can do that on my own maybe #i WANT to help i just want to help at my own pace but unfortunately the world isnt built around individual paces and nothing revolves #around me. i know this #i want to help my mom i want her to never be stressed about money and to retire and never work or help me pay my student loans but i #genuinely feel like theres a switch that never turned on in my head and im being left behind and i genuinely dont know how to. like be alive

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themyscirah · 8 months ago

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Started thinking about the Amanda Waller + Ben Turner relationship again.... fuck, I'm gonna need a minute

#I JUST- SHDIAUDJSHDSHEYEYRYRYRY guys. guys #i know none of you see my vision and thats okay. i will make you see my vision. i will force you to see my vision. i will-#like jesus fucking christ oh my god. its so interesting and gives me so many emotions and just!!!#i know im not making sense bc none of my moots are sui sq fans and also like half of the content fucking me up specifically here is in my #head because i cant stop thinking about my absolute power fix it au but like!!!!!!!#also the fact i have a fix it for a comic that isnt out yet is so funny to me. its literally fucking real though. god knows we need it #may my own content carry me through the dark times (extreme villain waller arc)#anyways this fucks me up so bad you dont even know. someday ill actually explain it #dc hire me to write a suicide squad ongoing PLEASE. i could do it so good it would be so fucking good dc PLEASE 😭😭😭😭😭😭#also like this isnt me shipping them btw. like 110% not that. just to clarify.#i wouldnt even call it a friendship bc like. theyre not friends really. he has the most equal dynamic with her i would say but it still isnt #equal. shes v much his boss even though they have an understanding and respect there #like she believes and trusts in him much more than anybody really even himself. like she sees the good man and the leader even when he #doesnt. but she isnt nice about it. and there is a lot of conflict between them when there needs to be #like as much as ben is “wallers man”--the team leader she wanted from the beginning before rick flagg pushed his way in #ben i would say is still a very moral person even when lost and unsure of himself and his goodness (which is like one of his main things)#like i feel like while amanda can lean very into a “the ends justify the means” mindset in her worse moments and do bad things to get #herself out of a corner ben has like a deep and meaningful understanding of how the choices of your methods and how you act can weigh on you #like even though he was brainwashed and whatnot (thats still the story right? i cant remember) he holds a lot of guilt and baggage over his #actions and i think is able to temper amanda's worse tendencies in terms of that by calling her out when he recognizes that behavior #idk. i just really think that amanda waller and the suicide squad as a whole has lost its way without a more moral authority presence there.#like someone who can call her out and keep them more on track. which i really thing ben is and could be #i just very much am interested in their dynamic and how that would look like as equals and how i think they could help each other.#which ofc is what my wip is about and revolves around #blah #sui sq

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just-rogi · 9 months ago

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#ughhh #I’m pissed #I finally went to therapy for the first time in years yesterday #and they said they can’t help me bc I have relapsed with an eating disorder after years of being clean #and if I want help I need to go to inpatient #like #I’m fucking pissed #do you know how hard it was to sign up for therapy and sit through this stupid intake thing #with a condescend white woman #even though I said I’d only be comfortable talking to a therapist of color #and I WANT to get help #because I am activly looking for coping mechanisms to prevent another relapse #and these fucking bastards are saying tough fucking shit #ooooohh you have issues more than generalized anxiety disorder and minor depression #sorry freak #you are a liability and also we are gonna call the cops on you if we think you are a danger to yourself #like what the Fuck #I’m DOING the right thing and TRYING to go to therapy #and y’all won’t help unless I do inpatient??#fucking kys Jesus Christ

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todayisafridaynight · 1 year ago

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ACTUAL REIJI MOMENT OH MY GOD

I can't even tell what it's supposed to BE. I figure it's probably related to 8 given the ∞ = 8 motif in the first teaser and the fact 8 is also supposed to have a new location and come out early 2024 (per Nakaya, unless there are delays). But if it is 8, this is just such a baffling choice as the reveal trailer for the next entry in the MAIN series after the intrigue set up by the teaser. Well, if nothing else, this trailer sure was... revealing...

There is the apparent Microsoft exclusivity, of course, but I don't quite know what to make of it, since Xbox promotional material for RGG historically never mentions competing platforms like PlayStation anyway even if they're available on all platforms.

The tagline does scream sidegame though right like it sounds like a casual business sim or something.. and Yokoyama mentioned 8 wouldn't have a tagline in Japan on purpose... but this is the English trailer, and there's no JP buzz around the release at all so far that I've seen (granted, the trailer dropped at like, 3 a.m. JST)... EXTREMELY odd. Extremely odd. I guess we'll see pretty soon though!

Ranting and Raving aside, I can't help find the premise of taking the series to America funny. I mean. I was HOWLING at the trailer itself but taking a step back for a second. Because RGGS has always been open to taking the series overseas, but it's always been like, France or somewhere else in Europe; they've explicitly said they wouldn't be taking it to America. And Yet.

Also just doubly funny to me to see Ichi in America looking so confused because earlier, I was thinking about Masato's time in America and your idea of Jo accompanying him, and how I can see Jo being that Completely Lost parent who doesn't speak English and has to rely on their kid's fluency to get around. And pretty much right before the trailer dropped I was talking about how It Would Be Funny if Mine got a scholarship overseas and he went to uni with Masato unwittingly, since they're about the same age... manifested...

im going to scream and shit at my inbox activity FJRLAKJAKLJ EVERYONE SLOW DOWN FOR FIVE SECONDS HELP I JUST GOT OUT OF MY CAR

in any case what in the god damn piss fuck is HAPPENING IN THIS GAME

#snap chats #'infinite wealth' huh......... what the hell is 8 gonna be about...#i mean i know ichi was fountain fishing for yen in the first couple clips but......#BUT WHY IS HE IN MIAMI CHEEKS OUT #also crying at the thought of mine going overseas and happening to Also go to harvard with aoki #mine would be a freshman by the time aoki's a junior/senior if he didn't go for a two-year course plan #THROWING UP AT MINE HAVING TO CALL AOKI SENPAIJVLAKERJVLA it couldve been so funny #OH BUT SPEAKING OF im crying at the mental image of jo being A Lost Father In America #HELP I REMINDED MYSELF OF A SCENE FROM FIRST PENGUIN CAUSE /SPOILERS/ HIRO GETS LOST IN TOKYO FOR A BITJLKAK 😭😭#ITS LIKE IN EPISODE 8 BUT JLVKAJLEK the fact i have thought of jo aimlessly walking through america before tho....#just totally out of his element but he also cant just brute force his way with total strangers.... just gotta be awkward as hell HELP HIM #im gonna sit in this barnes and noble and think about all these things and cackle now #the amount of times ive said 'help' in these tags though jesus christ.#BUT YEAH NO IM CRYING the reiji influence is so real...... frjlKJVLAEKVA #anyways here's to me not killing myself for an extra year because i need to know why ichi's ass is out in LAD8 #my apologies to the anon from before for being smarmy it is incredibly hot and i might be having heat stroke

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shelbymustange · 1 year ago

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k but like midnight mass (maybe unintentionally?) has an interesting commentary on mental health vs the church because Riley really needed a mental health professional but all he got was court ordered alcoholics anonymous which starts in prayer, then he's convinced to take it with his childhood priest who just keeps trying to push God and God's forgiveness and gifts onto him, when what he very clearly needed his own personal forgiveness. And everyone around him is giving him shit about being a fuck up and losing his faith and his fuckin dad tells him he resents him (that scene was crazy) and he talks to the girl he loves about how if he wasn't alive he wouldn't have to live with the torment but what does anyone do?

His priest gives him eternal life in which he must live with his guilt of killing a young girl and his priest tells him, tries to beat it into him that it's a fuckin gift from God and he should be happy about it, but Riley says he's Angry and he's Jealous. Because he wants to be like Father Pruitt and see this as the ultimate gift but he just sees it as a curse. Because no one has helped him with what was actually the Problem, and that was his own forgiveness of himself. And that's why he does what he does.

#this got away from me i'm just passionate about riley flynn and i know he did something real fuckin awful but he deserved better #because #oh my fucking god here i go again #clearly he had mental health issues before this? because he was an alcoholic?#so like his whole life he's been going through it and like all thats given to him is the word of God and its like #get this boy some fucking help??#get him a therapist??#jesus fucking christ?mm #he's only crying out for it the entire time???#fuck.

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witchothewest · 1 year ago

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Sometimes my adhd makes me feel so stupid and I hate it. And the thing is like, I know I’m smart. Certainly nowhere near the most intelligent person I’ve ever met, but like, unquestionably smarter than average. I know that kind of makes me sound like an asshole, but it’s true, and I can feel that it’s true when I’m doing something like writing or designing, researching, solving certain kinds of problems or puzzles, interpreting the thoughts and motivations and feelings of others, etc.

But then I try to work my normal, underpaid administrative job and draw simple connections or parse simple directions and suddenly I’m drowning. I become paralyzed because I can’t make sense between what somebody asked me to do and the other information that’s come through via email. I can’t remember how this financial transfer works vs. that one, what kind of information it would make sense for a donor to need, how to ask what they need me to prepare without being awkward or rude or impolite, how all of these institutions are related to each other in a money sense…I just…I shut down.

And suddenly my brain is doing nothing and everything at the same time. All of my thoughts are spinning and overlapping and fragmenting while I try to make sense of what seems to come perfectly naturally to everyone around me, and at the same time it feels like I don’t have a single thought at all in my little head.

I just…I’m so tired.

#I’ve pretty much lost my whole team #who were what was keeping me at this job #so it’s just me and the new senior director now #and she’s fine #but kind of micromanagey #and I feel like she can tell that I don’t ‘work’ 40 a week #and is going to say something soon #and Jesus I just feel like a 3rd grader panicking bc I’m overwhelmed again by what I KNOW is simple easy shit that’s beneath me #it’s so frustrating #sorry for the vulnerability dump y’all #I’m just really feeling it today #I barely made it through this week and that was WITH a sick day #it would probably help if I could get a full nights sleep huh?#personal #adhd #adhd overwhelm #adhd problems #long post

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skitskatdacat63 · 1 year ago

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I hate when apps temporarily block your acct bcs "suspicious activity", yeah yeah I understand it's for security measures BUT PLEASE IM JUST BAD AT REMEMBERING PASSWORDS, LET ME LIVE 😭😭

#having a bit of a freak out right now 🌚#my best friend is gonna be in china for 2 months and our only option of communication is wechat #expect i forgot to log into wechat lately so it logged me out and i cant remember my pass and it got pissy with me for requesting sms codes #so it temporarily blocked me for suspicious behavior PLEASE WECHAT I JUST AM IMPATIENT #and then it said i requested unblocking too many times i have to 'wait'#wait how fucking long wechat?????? how long?????????#and even then with requesting your acct to be unblocked the easiest way is to get a friend w a wechat acct to verify you #HOW MANY FRIENDS DO YOU THINK I HAVE WECHAT 😭😭😭😭#MY ONLY FRIEND WHO HAS WECHAT IS ON HER WAY TO CHINA AS WE SPEAK WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO ABOUT THAT #she has to stop in another country for like half a day so im hoping when she lands she can help me 😭#BUT WHAT IF I STILL CSNT REQUEST BY THEN?? WHAT DO I DO THEN WECHAT????#once she gets to china i feel like im basically fucked #but yes i understand security measures but jesus christ please irs me i swear why are you making me jump through all these hoops?????#but im gonna actually be so upset if this screws up me being able to msg her :( we talk every day :(#i think i will actually combust and die if were just no contact for that long im actually gonna die #how am i gonna survive without her sending me china pics and me harassing her with f1 updates :(((#ugh i dont know what to do :( and i feel really upset abt it #maybe whatsapp will work and we can fix my acct but who knows :(#catie.rambling.txt

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essektheylyss · 2 years ago

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the NORMAL book to read in a tree on campus at my very professional adult job is the scientific history book, but the one that WILL get me the look of absolute befuddlement and mild consternation I crave from my supervisor is the gnostic gospels, so here we are

#jk I will probably put the actual fuckin library book I still have to finish in my backpack like the smart cookie I am #I have had at least one of my library books for over a year. and at this point it's just a point of spite that I will finish it.#tbh I may return that one cuz it's just a media studies book on time travel in tv and film and I'm like. what are you gonna tell me.#what are you going to impart to me that I don't already know.#I've got a media degree and have watched every piece of media referenced in the book. what do you have to tell me.#however. derrida on time is like. I NEED TO GET THROUGH THAT BOOK. FUCK. for my soul #DON'T @ me we've known I'm insane in this particular way. if you didn't idk what to tell you okay.#I have to say I've done very well at not buying books. I have bought One all year.#it helps that I haven't gone anywhere. but.#I should go to the used bookstore next to campus tho. cuz I wanna. 'should' I say lmfao.#it's as a treat!!! also I don't think I perused their poetry section last time I was there.#NOT that I don't have like three poetry anthologies to read on my shelf right now. fuck.#hmm maybe I should actually bring the norton native nations poetry anthology instead.#got that one. we want it all (transpoetics). and a book of luminous things.#ugggggh I have so much reading to do.#jesus CHRIST I have a to do list

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synonymroll648 · 2 years ago

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deep down in my soul, i know that if sophie ever introduced keefe and fitz to them, keefe would want to play uno immediately and fitz would want to play chess and sophie would look at their puppy eyes and just. relent. give in. and go screw it, i’ll play you both at the same time. and then she would either destroy them both, die of panic because brains aren’t designed to multitask well, or both. and then her boys would want to swap games over and over and she’d indulge them just for one night in a pillow fort with all their stuffed animals or something

#fitz would be super competitive and keefe would ask silly questions and distract her #and she loves them both but. jesus christ they're difficult on purpose sometimes #they back down when she's getting a little too stressed out but they like to tease #also i would like you guys to know that playing chess and uno at the same time is called chuno. hope that helps #i've had an anon talk to me about sokeefitz game night in the healing center once and. yeah man they deserved that #maybe i'll write a fic about it at some point. we'll see #rn my fic writing queue is loaded and taking its sweet sweet time to get through ;-;#kotlc #keeper of the lost cities #sokeefitz #sophie foster #keefe sencen #fitz vacker #this whole post is so self indulgement omg #i just. blorbos

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youaremysunshine-court · 1 year ago

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Okay wow so internalised homophobia is shit for everyone huh

#like #i went from not know gay people exist to just being gay #and ofc then i had a lot of religious trauma and shit but i worked through that #but #just met aomeone with proper internalised homophobia and religious trauma and like #guys i dont think i ever experienced that #i just had very long one sided fights with god until we came to a compromise #this guy is fucking going through it #hes like a gay femboy and at the same time hes like 'homosexuality is a sin' like ????#i dont understand the mental gymnastics #and when i was like 'hey you saying that makes me uncomfortable' he was like 'i have a right to my own opinion'#okay sure you have a right to your own opnion but you dont have to keep bleating about it jesus christ #yeah anyway #i want to like help him work through this shit but its really getting to me #like me n god are 🤞 but still hearing shit like that does me in #properly #idk what to do #just fucking tape his mouth shut or some shit #also classes start tomorrow and i am anxiety shitting my way through life and everything is terrible but at least i dont hate myself anymore #thank god for small mercies #yeah #anyway #im lowkey pissed but i feel so bad for him but its exhausting trying to explain shit to him and just UGHHHHHHHH #send help

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milflewis · 2 years ago

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sometimes i look at my sister and i see all the worst parts of me and it’s not terrible bc i don’t want that for her. which i don’t. but it’s terrible bc she’s doing it wrong

#like. she is showing it Wrong !#she is taking all this anger and rage at herself and shoving it at everyone around her and making her problem everyone’s problem and smth in #me physically recoils every time lol #like. visceral. smth deep inside me. just. says No <3 with teeth #but this isn’t wrong ! she is fifteen ! this is a child. this is a person. who is angry and in pain and messy and doesn’t know how to deal #with it and is being so v unkind to herself and is going through it by putting this on other ppl and picking fights so the anger can go #somewhere. and this isn’t healthy but holy fuck is it so much better than what i did and just internalised all of that until i couldn’t #speak about it for years lmao #it’s not wrong. it is not. but it feels like it is. my knee jerk reaction is what are you doing. stop. stop! keep that to yourself like the #rest of us. i don’t say this to her obv bc. ofc not. but jesus . yeah . yeah #and so i end up saying nothing to her or the diluted version of the right thing bc i’m so scared to tell her to do it like me which i do Not #want. like at all. she is not me and this is such a good thing #she also has a tendacy to bite the hands that fed her which. doesn’t help lmao #just. needed to get that out #delete later

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