#i keep thinking that ill say something wrong or whatever and ill lose it all

[outfoxt]

this is going to sound really fucked up but i just need to say it i think.

I never realized that people could actually care. I always thought that the depictions of friendship in movies and TV shows were over-the-top portrayals, and weren't things that actually happened. This was then exacerbated by the fact that my entire life I always wanted people to just Know How I Was Feeling like they do on TV and I found out that that's Not How It Works. I always thought I was naive for caring so much about my friends and for doing nice things for them out of the blue, and I always resented myself for resenting my parents for not doing more for me as a child.

So when I got to uni, and my friends started caring about me and asking if I was ok when I looked sad and doing nice things for me, I didn't know what to do with myself. It was the nicest thing anyone had ever done for me in a long time. When I was staying with a friend, and she said that she left the window open in the room I was going to be staying in because I liked it to be cold when i sleep, I bluescreened. I didn't know how to respond. It is quite literally one of the nicest things anyone had ever done for me. No one had ever paid that much attention to the things I liked. Every year on my birthday it was either a gamble if I would get something I actually wanted from my parents (spoiler alert: I was often disappointed) or I would just have to straight up tell them what I wanted. I got accustomed to the latter, and now I don't mind, but receiving two gifts from friends about languages this year made me realize that I could have it so much better.

And don't even get me started on online friends. I sort of thought that everyone was lying about them? Or that it was something unattainable, and reserved only for God's Chosen Favorites or something. But no, there are little people in my phone who care about me. They legitimately care about me as much as I care about them. I've been nervous to ask them about their well-being because I'm still nervous about being naive and getting a wake-up call that no one cares again, but after being told that they were worried about me when I overslept, I think i should know that I'm in the clear. And that's not even including all the times they tell me to go to bed when it's late, and when they ping me about things I may enjoy or things I was involved in.

All this is to say I guess that I'm touched that people remember my existence. It makes me feel good to be wanted. I will be eternally grateful to both my irl and online friends who made me realize that just because my parents or my friends from home didn't care enough to remember what I like or to go out of their way to do nice things for me, it doesn't mean that no one will. I need to step up and do more for you guys. I trained myself to push down my desire to help and check in with people because I thought I was betting on something that I'd never get in return, but now I know I can.

Thank you all, and I love you 💚

[kroosluvr]

temptation

i lowkey have too many notes to write down properly KDFHKDS but ill write them down for Future Cele so i can read it later and be like omggg past cele ur so fun and interesting

in general, the more "color" the scenes have, the closer it is to "real life" as opposed to the muted/hushed winter blues of maruki's reality

i.e. the dark frames w akira smiling and the very last panel are when reality sinks in: first for akira, then for goro

by the way this is long winter au but sumire is still brainwashed. this also works for canonverse but i just had long winter au in mind:o

youve heard of laundry and taxes now get ready for coffee and pastries

in every panel, akira is smiling! :) and goro is very much not smiling.

intentionally his face is hidden in the last 2 pages so its unclear whether it's the "ideal reality" already (akira/goro's daydreams/wants/desires), or if goro is still fighting akira on making sure he picks the right choice

the smoke from the first page kinda leads into the 3rd page omfg COMPLETELY UNINTENTIONAL BUT REALLY COOL LMAOOO

that's nameless and belladonna in jazz jin!!! i love them. I LOVETHEM. i miss them so bad is it obvious

the cafe is loosely based off of caffe strada @ uc berkeley LMAO. my parents used to take me there a lot as a little kid so that's the first cafe i think of when i imagine one. its like right on the streetside, basically on the sidewalk, so its very bustling and people are always walking by... probably a little disconcerting to see everyones summery bright smiles despite the bitter cold and snow

in long winter AU, the Ideal Reality starts before 1/1 so yeah they get to see the new years fireworks together (or something)

also intentional that they wear the same winter outfits in the whole comic although it Probably does not take place at the same time. in maruki's snowglobe, time seems frozen in place... but akira and goro are both acutely aware that the sands are running thru QUICK

goro's frustrated expression on page 3 is one also of disdain: "don't speak FOR me you fucking imbecile" type of expression.

goro, who's never lived a normal life and therefore doesn't know much abt "normalcy" nor really actively seeks it. this 3rd semester is basically purgatory for him and he doesn't care to try and go through the motions the way akira does. akira what do YOU know about the type of "normalcy" i deserve? how do YOU know if i "deserve" that?

im thinking that this is a naive akira who is mostly set on taking the deal because he feels hopeless... seeing all his friends with good happy lives while goro and himself are alive and miserable and shouldering the weight of the world during the horror of long winter......

oh but if he takes the deal they could all be good and alive and happy!!!.... and goro knows this. i feel like in any other universe (i.e. akira is 100% certain on not taking the deal and goro knows this) then goro would be happy and carefree to do these little indulgences for himself and akira's sake, to just enjoy the snowglobe world while it exists.

but this goro is discontent. he sees how akira is enjoying the snowglobe and knows maruki is depending on this. goro has to be the one to remind akira that none of this is his to keep........ in this fucked up world, routine is dangerous. becoming comfortable is dangerous. they cannot keep any of this.

on that note, goro says "i hate you" in a halfhearted sort of way (it's not true and akira knows that.) but he's trying to think of a way that he can dissuade akira from picking the wrong choice.....

and i think the thing is, goro thinks all of this, but he still falls into the rhythm of routine with akira anyway. in a way, goro feels hopeless too.

all of this is maruki's doing........ paralyzed by the inability to choose... whatever you do, you lose. goro needs to hold akira at arm's length so the stupid sentimental fool doesn't get too attached and falls into the wrong universe. akira needs to make a concentrated effort to detach himself from goro even though he wants the simplest thing in the world: just one more unremarkable day with him. it's lose-lose..........,

also i liked drawing the tentacles in the last pic the freaking blue lines on them were SO satisfying to draw

edit: also the last page: the blood flooding the panel….. the idea of the ideal world being built off of the blood and sweat and tears and bodies of the people who could have been. of those lost in the actualization, of those destroyed, of those stitched together and brought back to life. all just for a little false happiness. goro sees it but akira doesn’t, and it’s a grim sight.

[jambalaya-enthusiast]

Could you do the crew with a surprisingly aggressive reader? Like if an altercation they tried to de-escalate resulted in them getting hit and reader kinda snaps and punches the dog shit outta the person? On some “don’t you ever touch my man/girl”

HOT STUFF— CREW MEMBERS X HOTHEADED! AGGRESIVE! READER.

warnings: none i think.

synopsis: someone makes not so nice comments and you lose ur crap. crew reactions follow.

CAPTAIN, CURLY

He is literally golden retriever ™

Curly is not an aggressive man by any means, he prefers the pacifist way out in any situation, maintaining peace and harmony.

And you were the complete opposite, always ready to pick a fight if anyone looked at you the wrong way.

Curly always tired to explain how being so hotheaded wasn't gonna be good for your health, you just never listened.

something happened at the pony express meeting room and a co-worker remarked something to curly in a tone you weren't quite fond of.

And the next thing anyone knew, you were beating the living crap out of the fella. Everyone just watched on in shock as nobody dared to stop you.

Curly came in and immediately grabbed you in his grasp, not letting you go. He was surprised as to how difficult it was to restraint you.

"y/n you really ought to stop putting yourself in such situations, not everyone has to agree with everything i say. i can't always pull you out of fires, you know that right?".

He knows that you're not the one to learn, so makes sure to keep an eye out on you more.

Thinks it's kinda endearing that you care that much about him.

He asks to join him in the gym for weightlifting. :D

CO-PILOT,JIMMY

Even though jimmy isn't the most pleasant person to be around, he too isn't too fond of altercations and confrontations.

He prefers to always safe side his way out of everything, just making sure his peace isn't compromised.

That is until you came along, always ready to hand a person their ass for saying something wrong at the wrong time.

He wouldn't admit it, but it was quite amusing to him seeing you always ready to fight someone head-on.

He was just annoyed at the consequences which followed after.

Like at the local bar where you guys were out drinking, some girl tried to approach jimmy in the wrong way and welp.

Suddenly her makeup was off and was instead replaced with a black and eye and several bruises. The police had to be called and it was a whole ass thing.

Although jimmy scolded you for being so ill-tempered, he was smiling beneath all that, that you would go to such lengths for him.

Just stop getting your ass pulled into such idiotic situations, aight? It's annoying having to visit the station all the time.

kinda proud.

NURSE, ANYA

Anya is in the medical field, empathy and level headedness is one of her strong pursuits.

She is a pacifist, like curly she prefers to deal with things in a peaceful manner.

Plus, she personally does not like arguments or fights, at all. She herself is quite timid in nature.

After knowing you, she always reminded you to keep your cool and maybe read self help books to help you control your anger.

You guys were out on a date at the park,and a fuckass decided to catcall anya, right in front of you.

Next thing everyone in the park was witnessing was the guy laying face down with some of his teeth knocked out.

While anya was glad, that you looked out for her to such an extent, she did still believe such levels of anger weren't healthy for the body and mind.

So she signed you up for anger management classes.

" y/n I'm doing this for your own sake, who knows when something drastic might happen, please do this? For me?".

Also started making you attend the meditation classes she goes to.

MECHANIC, SWANSEA

Swansea is literally too old to deal with people by beating them up.

He's just way too tired to deal with stuff like this.

Prefers to just leaving things as is, and being "whatever helps you sleep at night". If anyone pisses him off.

Prefers peace and quiet.

So you were, infact a pain in the ass for him.

He was always yelling at you to keep it together or atleast try to get a grip on yourself whenever you feel like losing your shit.

During a maintenance meeting some young lad decided to tell Swansea 'let us handle this one yeah, old man?' and his tone definitely indicated that he didn't mean it with a friendly intent.

Swansea was just gonna let it go, i mean he was infact getting old, he couldn't help it.

But what he didn't expect was you jumping out of your seat and grabbing this dude by his collar and throwing him out of the room like a freaking ragdoll.

Shocked™ what the actual fuck? Why would you beat up a guy, for his sake?

"kid i don't know what was going on in that head of yours beating that guy up like that, but okay."

will die before admitting it, but he was touched seeing you so upset that someone was being unkind to him.

Doesn't scold you.

INTERN, DAISUKE

Daisuke is young and dandy, he is new the buisness and stuff and just wants to be friends with everyone without being on anybody's bad side.

He didn't like confrontations, and was frankly afraid of arguments with anyone for that matter.

So seeing you so fearless and ready to hand a guy his teeth over trivial things was like a breath of fresh air for him.

He liked it whenever you got into fights, he would cheer you on, and was always ready to haul your ass away to avoid any consequences.

This one time you guys were fixing something in the vents in one of the smaller freighter of pony express, and Daisuke accidentally ended up unscrewing one of the vents, which caused some wires to malfunction.

And one of the co workers, decided to be extra harsh on Daisuke for some reason, yelling all sorts of things to him.

But when that guy said 'this is why pony express shouldn't hire mama's boys'. You just simply lost it.

You ended up beating the guy to a pulp and he was put on bed rest for atleast 8 months ,which resulted in a trip to the HR

but Daisuke? He was more glad and giddy than anything or anyone.

"hey..I know that you kinda got into trouble for what happened back there, but i just wanna say, that was cool as fuck. I've never had someone care about what I felt like that much. Thank you, so much."

You both are inseparable after that.

[jakesangel]

jake finding you crying - requested

it's usually at night, day finally over, that we can all finally settle down, n realize that we aren't that okay. and the same goes to you. life is though : too much drama in your school/work place, to much work to do, problèmes in your family and/ or your friends. things are too munch to bear and the only thing steady left in your life, your most needed person at the moment, your lovely jake. so you call him, not knowing what to do but you know his presence will soothe you down. that call would wake him up, him being an early bird, and would be a bit confused as to why you suddenly call him but hearing your sobs would wake him up right away. what's wrong, angel ? did something happened ?, he'd voice to you w nothing but worries. as you ask him to come over, he would already be getting ready, leaving the dorm in roar.

as he arrived, he would knock lots showing the panic filling his body, and as you open the door, he will immediately engulf you in his arms. my baby, i'm all here now, he would murmur, one hand softly stroking your hair, shhh, it's okay baby it's okay, he would add if you start to sob in his embrace. he wouldn't stop hugging you until you're the one leaving his embrace, even if you guys are in the hallway. do you wanna talk about it, angel or do you want comfort tonight ? he would ask you, taking your face in his hands, his eyes reading yours trying to convey you support and steadiness's in your shaky breath. as yous amswers, jake would kiss your forehead and/or your lips, okay whatever you want baby. i'm staying tonight yeah ?

if you want to talk about it, he would make you sit on your nearest surface, it could be the sofa or the bed or even the kitchen counter, and would then make you talk. he'd face you, eyes on your teary face, holding your hand, a small display of the immense support he has for you. just breath my angel, or you're safe here, are words spelled from him as you struggle to let your words out. and the second he sees your eyes waters, words too hard for your own mental health, he would drop your hand immediately to take you in his arms again,baby if it's too munch, you don't have to tell me right now, he'd shush you as his hand would smooth your back, you can cry all you want in my arms, i'll be here for you all night long. as you guys stay close to each other, he would keep comforting you, i know things can be too much right now baby, but everything will work out at the end i promise you. ill be here with you through out this journey as close or as far as you want me to be. but i want you to know, that no matter what you will not lose me. i'll forever be here for you, my y/n, he would say as he put your hair back in place, eyes searching for yours. remember that i love you my angel and that you are okay. keep thinking about those two fact, especially when you feel like it's too munch, okay baby ? he'd finally finish his face now right in front of yours, kissing your lips.

if you don't feel like talking, everything being too munch for your, he would hold you, your legs around his waist, walking the both of you to your bedroom. he would then place you on top of him, under the covers, your face prettily crying in the crock of your neck. he'd have one arm around your waist the other in your hair. from time to time he will, wipe your tears away, or kiss your hand on his chest. he would stay awake until you fall asleep of exhaustion. he wouldn't stop his shh during the whole cuddle session and would even hum or sing you a song. when he sees you asleep, he will then place you on the bed, so that the both of you have a more comfortable position to fall asleep to, him spooning you. good night my angel, he would say sadly before going himself to the arms of morpheus, kissing the top of your head.

notes : hai anon, here's your request >< tell me what you think in the inbox <3

@imaluckygirl @luvj4key @stwrjvke @goldenretrieverjakezgirlbaby @jaeyunpinkyring @pockettwinzz @jwsdoll @heeheeswifey

[wannaeatramyeon]

Lookism Boys (+ Taehoon + Wangguk) being ill + YOU looking after them hc

Gun Park, Goo Kim, Samuel Seo, Jake Kim, Vin Jin, Johan Seong, Seong Taehoon, Han Wangguk

Gun Park

He is self-sufficient to the core.

Does not need any looking after.

You offer to run out and buy medicine? No need, he is stocked better than a pharmacy.

Reminders to hydrate? He's had 2 litres already and it's not even midday.

You don't need to tell him to rest, his body is his temple and he takes the utmost care.

Some homemade food though? Oh. Well. You can't buy homemade.

Him lying all fever brained on your lap as you watch TV or whatever? That's not so bad neither.

You running a bath for him? Thanks. That's thoughtful.

Huh, he thinks maybe it's not so bad relying on someone other than himself.

Goo Kim

Clingy and fussy-

But you knew that already, being his partner.

Treats you as his hot water bottle one moment, the next will kick you away saying he's too warm.

He expects to be babied, and he expects your full attention. So please drop everything and tend to him now.

If you could also run your fingers through his hair and let him lie on you for the next few hours, that would also be great.

And if you can put his favourite show on that would also be appreciated.

You trying to watch something else once he's sleeping? No chance. He is wide awake and pouting at you.

At least he will give you the same treatment when you're ill.

Samuel Seo

Samuel is not ill.

How dare you imply he is in anything but peak physical condition

That's not a cough, that's not a sniffle, and he is not flushed.

There's something wrong with the thermometer, he is fine.

Nothing is wrong with his voice (as he slowly loses it through the day...)

Will take a lot of persuading and convincing to rest up

"Yes, there will be other people to pick up your work. And no, it's not a personal slight to say that you are sick."

You have to pry his laptop and tablet and phone from his fingers.

Of course, that's easy. His strength is waning in his current state.

"Shhh Sammy, go to bed." Tuck him in. lay next to him, pet his hair.

He'll soon be napping next to you, holding you tight.

Jake Kim

Also complete denial at first.

He is the head of Big Deal, he cannot be sick.

That SINU! sneeze is not a front. That is actually how he sneezes.

Phelgm and snot everywhere. It's pretty repulsive to be honest.

After one too many sneezes, and everyone flinching the hell away from him, Jerry carries him home to you.

Wants to be babied, wants to be fussed, wants your complete attention.

Goes about it in a slightly less obnoxious way, but he's so adorable, even trying to give you a wink in his current state so you can't say no.

Pads around the home following you, blanket wrapped around him, tissue shoved up his nose.

Might as well give up whatever you're doing and tend to your boyfriend.

But Jake would absolutely do the same for you.

Vin Jin

This fucking guy-

Demanding and a little shit.

If you let him, he would take absolute full advantage.

Would run you in circles doing things for him.

"Y/N I want some water, Y/N where's my medicine, Y/N I need some chocolate, Y/N I need a burger." "What?? Shouldn't you eat something.. healthier?" "No babe, the body wants what it wants."

Will flop all over you, lying on your lap, your chest. Partly because he finds you comforting, partly because he's a little asshole.

"Sing me a lullaby" "Uh... ok." You sing. "Actually, no shut up babe you sound like shit."

Once he falls asleep, his breath laboured and cheeks flushed, you can't help but think ok, he's pretty cute. Only when unconscious though.

Will still keep his sunglasses on the whole time. "Just in case someone ambushes me." "WHO?!"

Johan Seong

Way too ill and low in energy to put up any of his usual defenses. Will revert back to a little meow meow.

You are absolutely not allowed out of sight.

In fact, you are not allowed out of arm's reach.

Will cling to you like a koala, that is a fact.

Actually, you might as well all stay in bed, Eden and Miro included because you are guaranteed to not get anything done.

Even cooking is only a possibility. Hopefully you have all medicine stocked, and some decent, cheap, healthy take-outs nearby.

Because if Johan wakes up from his nap and you're not there, he will be sulking for a year straight.

The only excuse?

"Johan, I need to walk Eden and Miro." grumble grumble "Ok... but be back quick?"

Seong Taehoon

The grumpiest babygirl you have ever seen.

It's a goddamn good job you love him because my god, this guy!

Equal parts bad-tempered and clingy

A bit like how he usually is, to be honest, but turned up to the MAX.

Go away, you're crowding him one second, he's all up in your face wanting cuddles the next.

And the fact that he's not allowed to train?

Good lord, don't anger it further. It's not like he's in any fit state to train anyway but he will still be fuming about it.

No Taekwondo, no arcade. He might as well just DIE.

At least he's still got his other favourite thing - you. This placates him a little.

Han Wangguk

Wangguk does not get sick, Wangguk is the caretaker.

Other people get ill and he looks after them.

"No, seriously, Wangguk. You're burning up. Go back to bed!"

Needs a lot of goading to actually rest. Even then, he doesn't fully rest.

He keeps a watchful eye over you, just in case you need him.

After he gets used to it? Absolutely loves it.

You making some food for him, grabbing him medicine, gentle cuddles, forehead smooches, even taking care of Gyeoul?!

He really could get used to this.

Is a puddle, constantly leaning on you and wanting to be close.

After this, he always enjoys being ill. Only a tad. It's a way for him to be spoilt guilt-free by you.

[luceafarul-de-dimineata]

mc who ships the kings with their nobles (its an excuse for leviforas)

Mc that ships the shippers with their kings

Overall, I think none of them would think much of it because all the nobles seem to have a crush on their kings. They would mind if you started losing interest in their king because you percieve them to be in a relationship.

Paimon would, like always, be the chiller one about this whole thing. While he sometimes gets angry at his fellow shippers, he'll never get angry at you unless you do something really really stupid. Shipping him with Satan is just kind of silly in his view. He might humor you a bit, but he'll shortly cut all your hopes when he says that he has no romantic feelings for Satan and never will. Doesn't want to give you too much false hope, he just wishes you'll put your sights on what really matters.

Eligos would be dumpfounded. The whole interaction was like

Eligos: Mc! I'm so glad I've found you! I've prepared a nice bow for you to wear on your stroll with his majesty Mammon.

Mc: I'm sure Mammon likes ribbons a lot. I mean, with how close the two of you are... he sure has a thing for small cute things.

Eligos: Oh, he totally does! That's why I will make you the cutest being in Hell... behind me, of course.

Mc: No, don't worry. I don't want to tempt your man.

Eligos: My... what?

Mc: Come on, it's obvious that you and Mammon have athing for eachother. The way he pets your head for longer than anyone else, the way he always calls you his. I bet you have a full collection on lingerie just for him.

Eligos: I do, but no! No no no! I'm not in love with his majesty Mammon! Never!

Mc: First stage, denile

Eligos: First stage of WHAT?!?!?

Congratulation, you just broke Eligos' brain and made him take an emergency trip to Paradise Lost to get checked for whatever illness you implyied he had.

Foras gasps when he hears that and covers your mouth.

Foras: Mc, do you like breathing?

Mc nods

Foras: Good, then stop saying stuff like that. He always listens

Leviathan: Is this what you two are doing instead of sorting paperwork? The only reasons I allowed you two to stay together was because you're incompetent and Foras keeps getting distrected on his phone. I would strangle you both, but you're into it, you filth.

Foras: I apologise, great, powerful, handsome Leviathan for my wrong doings

Mc: I'm adding degredation to my newest fic

Leviathan: Don't flatter yourself a writer, I would never degrade Foras. He actually has qualities to speak of.

Foras: (I wish he degarded me as well)

Sorry, I've been too Leviathan possitive on my blog lately, I have to spread the hate

Amon would choke on his own spit. On one hand, hot, yes, he does want to get revaged by his king. On the other hand, that would be illegal because you're already with him. Amon is delusional, partly because he's starving, partly because that's just how he is. He would try to talk you out of it out of genuioun fear that he is breaking the law.

Gamigin would be repulsed. Lucifer is his brother, why would you ship him with his sibling? Please stop, he's really uncomfortable by the whole idea.

Mc: You know, I've been thinking about you and Lucifer recently

Gamigin: Really?! What about?

Mc: You'd look lovely together. He's so nice to you, I bet he likes you well enough in bed.

Gamigin.exe stopped working

Marbas: You need to leave!

[manatee-rp-memes]

Transformers: MTMTE Sentence Starters

~Feel free to tweak as needed~

“All good things must come to an end, if there’s one thing in life I’ve learned it’s how to say goodbye and mean it.”

“You think that just because the war is over, we can afford to stop fighting!“

“Okay, so tell me what happened- in layman’s terms, please. The fewer syllables, the better. Science makes me twitchy. Too many rules.”

“Never stand next to a quantum generator when it’s about to flout the laws of physics.“

“So, who broke the rule?”

“I’m too smart to die!”

“Either it’s very far away, or you’ve invented the world’s smallest drink.”

“Don’t say I’m irritable. It really—it really irritates me.”

“One day you’ll say something nice to me—just before you tell me I’ve got a terminal illness or something.“

“Bottom line? I’ve got nothing else to lose.”

“Wow. If I’d known that was the best you’ve got, I’d have said something genuinely offensive.”

“Nice to meet you, loser!”

“But there’s always been a war! That’s like saying there’s no more blue or—or the weather’s stopped!”

“Nothing tingles like a teleport.”

“I was aiming for the other guy…! Obviously.”

“A senseless waste, a terrible tragedy. Boo hoo.”

“He promptly beat me to the brink of fade-out and left me in a critical condition.”

“But that’s a whole other story. Sorry—I always wanted to say that. That, and ‘Impossible! Our laserfire is just making him stronger!’ Ahem. Go on…”

“Please! I surrender! Don’t shoot!”

“MUTINY! Everywhere I look I see rules being stretched and laws being broken and protocols being dragged outside and kicked to death.”

“Maybe I have been taking things too seriously. Maybe I should try and… and… whatever. There’s a word for it.”

“Course I didn’t press it… but what if I had pressed it?”

“A metafictional bomb. It blows a hole in the fourth wall.”

“I can tell you pretty emphatically that none of this – none of this even approaches my definition of ‘okay’!"

"Listen to me. NEVER. HOPE. Hope is a lie.”

“That was a nasty fall. Need a hand?”

“Get the hell out of my bar.”

“Ah, enriched nucleon…! The magic ingredient!”

"You should really stop and listen to yourself sometimes.”

“Life’s messed up. I’m messed up. I’ve done bad things and I continue to do bad things, because the voice telling me not to…? He’s not said much for a while. And y'know what keeps me going? ANGER. Anger’s an insulator. Stops life getting too close. If I got myself 'fixed,' maybe the anger would leave me—and then I really would be screwed.“

"Your life is in the palm of my hand. Before I squeeze, I offer up one last shining truth…”

“If God were on your side you’d have stopped me by now! Will anybody pit their faith against mine?”

“I know, I know—I’m incorrigible.”

“Honestly? I think for an intuitive weapon to promote long discredited notions of moral absolutism is problematic in the extreme.”

“When did you first decide that the universe needed ‘dominating’?"

"My life is a succession of decisions made in confined spaces.”

“If you want to get the measure of an author, don’t look at what they’ve left on the page…. look at what they’ve taken away.”

“Information carries weight. It’s not corporeal, but it has presence. It can be felt. It hangs in the air like—like words. Like the morning after an argument! Actually, not like that. That’s a bad analogy. I’m distracted.”

“Shut up. Stop expecting things of me.”

“The war is over and, thankfully, we lost.”

“I’m confronting my own mortality! I’m having one of those—those existential crisises!”

“'Could!' The luxury of 'could!' I’m already dead!”

“If I sit next to you too long, am I going to die of smartass poisoning?”

“There’s a thin line between categorization and segregation, and I never want to see it crossed again.”

“If the world thinks you’re a monster, what does it matter? The world is wrong. But when you start to think of yourself as a monster…”

“Touch me again and I’ll kill you.”

“Here’s a survival tip: When everyone’s lining up to make sacrifices… always get to the back of the queue.”

“I’ll let you in on a little secret… I can do whatever the hell I like.”

“Maladies of the mind are easily hidden. We don’t want to see them. They remind us of our fragility.”

“You have two weapons at your disposal: your brain and your fists. You must be prepared to use both.”

"I’m fine. Bad dream, that’s all. My first flashback. These things’ll happen when you’ve got a head full of history.”

“This conversation is ridiculous. You are ridiculous. Everything that’s happened in the last few days is intensely ridiculous.”

“We’re all of us the sum of our experiences.”

“I know who I am, but I don’t necessarily know who I was. I find it hard to compare the two.”

“I want to tell you a story.”

“I’m trying to show concern. I’ve seen other people do it.”

“People don’t like me – they just laugh at my jokes. There’s a difference.”

“I hate you. As in, I actively hate you. I am in hate with you.”

“No one cares what you have to say~”

“I had a plan! Same plan as always: survive.”

“I order you to survive.”

“Nothing makes sense anymore.”

[nomoreusername]

Never Forgotten

Pairing:Minho x female reader

Summary:When Minho keeps ending up in the Med-hut, you realize the only thing he needs is your attention.

It wasn't his usual behavior. I mean Minho was nothing less than determined to find a way out. I've seen that man try to run in the Maze after throwing up his breakfast. If that isn't dedication, I don't know what is.

That's why I'm more than concerned about him. He shouldn't be begging to stay in the Med-hut. If he ever, ever wanted to miss a day of running, something is genuinely wrong.

"You're telling me you don't realize what's happening?"Jeff sighed as I looked over at him.

"What do you mean?"

"We always have to fight Minho to get down here when he's hurt, right?"

"Yeah,"I nodded.

"And he'll argue that he's not until he's blue in the face and throwing up?"

"I definitely remember that."

"And he still tries to say he's fine anyway?"

"What's your point?"

"My point is that him coming in for some unknown sickness is not something he would do."

"I know. That's why I'm worried about him,"I shrugged, trying to wrap my head around his words.

"Oh, he definitely wants you to be,"Clint said in a smug voice, borderline smirking.

"What are you shanks on about?"

"What we're pointing is that ever since you started hanging out with Chuck more, he sure does seem to get mysteriously hurt,"Jeff explained.

"Oh please. He's the last person who would fake an illness to get my attention,"I scoffed, rolling my eyes at the ridiculous thought.

"He's also the last person to admit that he needs it,"Jeff reasoned.

"He'd actually break his leg before doing that,"Clint added.

"Minho's not clingy. He's fine being apart from me."

"Well, he also still really likes his girlfriend. We see you two holding hands during Greenie night. Sneaking off to get into some trouble,"Clint grinned.

"We're walking around and talking, you idiot,"I honestly told them. I swear I lose brain cells every time he opens his mouth.

"But you've been with Chuck during Greenie night's lately, haven't you?"

"My boyfriend is not jealous of a twelve year old,"I said firmly, surprised that was a sentence I even had to say. Besides, he likes Chuck. He may not be around often, but he'll never not stop and talk if he has the time. Even if they're not best friends, they know each other more than well enough. They'll probably never be attached at the hip, but it's not rare to see the pair enjoying a meal together or just hanging out during some free time.

"No, but he hasn't been getting all his hand holding and kissy kissy-"

"It doesn't like you two have been hanging out that much,"Jeff thankfully cut him off.

"So he's faking a sickness for my attention?"I clarified.

"No klunk."

"Definitely."

"Huh,"I mumbled, glancing over at him again. Truly and actually looking him over, I saw that on the surface, there was not a single thing out of place. He wasn't devoid of color or sweating. He wasn't coughing or throwing up. He wasn't shivering or drowsy. He was just sitting there, completely chill.

"You see it now?"

"Yeah. I do,"I admitted, looking at them again.

"So what are you gonna do then?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, we can't just let him stay. If there's nothing wrong and someone sick actually comes in, then there actually will be. So how are you going to get him out of here?"

Resting my chin on my hand, I furrowed my eyebrows as I tried to figure out a solution to this. After all, they're definitely and unfortunately right. He can't stay, but he obviously doesn't want to leave. That's more than a problem.

"You do that one more time, I'll get Alby on your shuckface!"Newt yelled from outside.

That's it. I know what I need to do.

"How scared are you guys of Alby?"I asked slowly.

"Terrified."

"Not scared at all."

"Great. That's promising,"I mumbled.

"But if it gets him out of here, I'll do whatever you need me to,"Clint said quickly.

"You think you can cover up two missing people?"

"Who says I haven't done it before?"

"Yeah. I think we can handle that,"Jeff assured me.

"Great, because you're both going to have to today."

"What's the plan?"

"That's for me to know, and you two to help me with without ever finding out."

"That's a terrible answer."

"What would be worse is dealing with an actually ill Minho,"Jeff pointed out.

"That is a fantastic answer."

"Yeah. I know it is."

♡ - - - ♡

I told Minho that he felt kind of cold. I played dumb to him feigning an illness to have my attention.

Because while it takes a bit more effort, it's way more rewarding to actually give it to him.

Walking with him towards the Deadheads, I smiled as our shoulders brushed together.

"Where exactly are we going?"He asked.

"Just around,"I lied. As he nodded I slowly took his hand in mine. Tightly lacing our fingers together, I smiled as I led him almost out to the open. Looking over, I saw him wearing a subtle grin at the touch.

"Right here,"I spoke up, taking him with me up the small hill. Accepting it, he let our arms dangle as he seemed to forget all about his "sickness". Beaming at the realization, I couldn't help but stop him before we actually reached our destination. Wrapping my arms around his shoulders, I stood on the tips of my toes as I lightly pressed my lips against his. Snaking his hands around my waist, he kissed me back, his smile obvious against my lips.

Then, he remembered his cover as he quickly pulled away and fake coughed.

"You can quit pretending now,"I sighed, placing my hand back in his.

"Pretending?"

"Yeah. I know that you're not sick,"I shrugged. When he almost froze in his tracks I tugged on his hand with a little more effort.

"You knew?"He mumbled.

"Yeah. It took me a minute, but I do now."

"So why are we outside then? If you know?"

"Because you obviously need my attention. You wouldn't do this if you didn't."

"Well, you haven't been hanging out with me lately,"He defended.

"And you couldn't just tell me that?"

"Um, I'm me? Remember?"

Laughing a little, I rolled my eyes as we got to the top of the hill. Free of weeds and nuisances, it was more beautiful than any other part of the Deadheads. The only plants were grass and colorful flowers. It was open sunshine and absolute peace.

And set up right in the middle was a blanket and picnic basket, courtesy of Fry.

Taking a seat on the blanket, I patted the spot beside me. With his eyes still wide in disbelief, he slowly walked over. Doing so, he just gazed at me as if I was every good thing in one.

"I love you,"He whispered, putting his hand on my knee. Scooting closer, I leaned my head against his shoulder while slowly running my thumb over his knuckles. Closing my eyes, I just took in the feeling of loving Minho. Private but genuine displays of affection are his favorite thing. He's always happy when I do something that means we'll get to spend time alone together. That's what he manages to do more often than his schedule should allow.

Still, he does it for me because he loves me.

The way I do things for him because I love him.

"I'm sorry I haven't been giving you the attention you want,"I apologized, opening my eyes and looking up at him.

"As long as you're still my girl, it's okay,"He assured me, cupping my face with his hands.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah,"He nodded, closing his eyes and leaning in. Doing the same, I brushed my lips over his. He was absolutely addicting to be around. Every glance, every word, every touch, every kiss, left me more and more hooked. He's like my oxygen. I can only go so long before needing to have him again. He's my everything, and I will never, ever forget that. Even if my mind sometimes gets busy, I know that we'll always find a way to be side by side.

"One thing though?"He asked as he pulled away but kept his gentle touch.

"Anything you want."

"Spend the next Greenie night with me?"He asked, his eyes begging for me to say yes.

"I was already planning on it, my secret romantic."

[suguruslut]

Giving Birth/Them as a Father

𝘵𝘩𝘦 ��𝘢𝘺 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘴𝘦𝘩𝘶𝘴𝘣𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘤𝘢𝘯𝘰𝘯𝘴

<<< 𝙛𝙚���𝙩𝙪𝙧𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙏𝙖𝙩𝙨𝙪🐉| 𝙏𝙤𝙧𝙖🐅| 𝙈𝙖𝙨𝙖🐕 >>>

Gwen's Note: babies are only fun in fiction, lol

🐉𝒯𝒶𝓉𝓈𝓊🍳

–he is so prepared! Even more prepared than you, honestly. He’s read every article and book there is with updated info about which positions to give birth in, how to naturally alleviate pain, the sterile process everyone must take to ensure no infections or illnesses are spread. He will be watching everyone like a hawk

–you go a week past your due date, which worries Tatsu, so he does some light exercises with you hoping to induce labor. Wouldn’t you know it, half an hour later your water breaks. Cue Tatsu grabbing the bag he packed six months ago and whipping out a wheelchair you didn’t know you guys had

–Tatsu is great during labor, though he’s secretly very nervous something will go horribly wrong. What will he do if he loses you? What if he loses you BOTH? He was a yakuza, though, so he manages to keep his cool on the outside, saying encouraging things to you the entire time, and lets you squeeze his hand as hard as you can

– “You can do this, {Y/N}! Focus! Push that little sucker out!”

– With your husband’s encouragement, your labor (mercifully) goes quickly, and within four pushes they’re out! Tatsu comforts you with kind words, shaking with anxiety and adrenaline as he sees your baby for the first time

– Tatsu stands over each medical personnel to make damn sure they’re being sanitary as they pass the baby around, finally handing them back to you. Tatsu allows himself to smile, seeing your happy tears and the cries of your child–he would have never in a million years expected this sweet scene to involve someone like him

– “Aww, Tatsu, you’re crying!”

– “No I ain’t! It’s just the lighting!”

–can you say GIRL DAD?!!! Tatsu sobbed when they said your baby was a girl. He’s so excited to do dress up and have tea parties and tutus and worry about her every second of every day…very excited. (Secretly, this is because he thinks a girl would be more like you than him. He’d rather have a mini you than a mini him)

–You wanted a pretty name, but not something overused; Tatsu said no daughter of yours was going to have a typical “scrub name,” so you go with the cute but not common Shiori. Tatsu nicknamed her his little dragon immediately

–When you go home with your little girl, Tatsu is fretting about EVERYTHING. The man has prepared for things you never would have thought of, but he knows that babies always surprise their parents, and that makes him nervous. He never takes his eyes off Shiori, overreading into every little thing she does as a possible sickness or issue

–Tatsu will absolutely wait on you hand and foot. He does that anyway, but now it’s x50. He will prepare bottles, get diapers ready, clean puke stains, and in between that, will give you massages, make your favorite foods, bring you snacks, tea. He will literally wash your hair for you if you ask.

–you need a break from breastfeeding and sitting in bed all day? Tatsu is already ready with a spa day coupon for you. He can’t imagine how hard it is on your body as well as your mind, being a new mother, and whatever you need to do to feel your best, Tatsu is your number one supporter

– “If my beautiful wife needs a break from nurturing our daughter, you bet yer ass she’s gonna get it! Here’s a 30% coupon. I got it from a tomato growing contest.”

–Endless picture taking! When he isn’t worrying or rushing around trying to make things easier for you and your little dragon, he is filling his camera roll with adorable pictures of Shiori. And his beautiful wife, ofc. The last 500 pics on his phone are of you, Shiori, and quite a bit of selfies with him and his little girl. And it’s only been one week

–Tatsu’s heart is overflowing with love upon becoming a dad, filling your head with deep appreciation and revere for allowing him to pass this milestone with you. He quickly becomes the most popular dad on the block, admired and respected by everyone for his loud, but gentle parenting

🐅𝒯𝑜𝓇𝒶𝒿𝒾𝓇𝑜🍰

–Tora is constantly checking his phone, always on edge that you might suddenly go into labor. One day when he’s at the crepe truck at three in the afternoon, he’s in the middle of whipping up a crepe when you text him SOS,BB OTW! He has never dropped a crepe so fast

–He meets you at the hospital, breathless and yelling for someone to tell him where his wife is. Tora sprints into your room all dramatic like, rushing to your side with immediate worries and demands to know what’s going on

–Tora hates seeing you in pain, which makes it hard for him to watch you in labor. He knows you’re doing it to bring life into the world, life he helped create, but it hurts him to see you yelling and crying in agony. He’ll do his best to encourage you, trying to hype you up for that last push

–He is more focused on you when the baby actually comes out, constantly asking if you’re okay, if you need anything, etc. Then when they push the baby at you guys he’s like “??? Oh, yeah!”

–Much like Tatsu, I think Tora is such a girl dad!!! She would be his angel from the first moment you place her in his big hands. He is her protector, her tiger. Speaking of tigers…

– “How bout we name her Tigress? You know, from Kung Fu Panda? What a boss!”

– “Tora…no.”

– Neither of you want a traditional Japanese name; you settle on Sakima, which means ‘warrior queen.’ Enough flare for Tora, enough uniqueness for you. Her nickname quickly becomes Kima the Killer, courtesy of her father

–Tora does not like random people handling his daughter, even if they are “medical personnel.” He glares at everyone, always asks questions on what they’re doing and why they’re doing it. You have to cool him off sometimes, reassuring your husband that they’re just making sure Sakima is healthy

–Back at home, Tora loosens up a bit. He smiles big smiles, slows himself down and really admires his little girl, staring at and watching her for hours on end. It’s a softer side to Tora no one else usually sees. Feels so relaxed around his little killer who loves tickles and kisses

–Absolutely sends a million pics of him and his daughter to Tatsu, bragging like you wouldn’t believe. Not that you can blame him, Kima is very cute, and already has her father’s intense gold eyes that demand respect

–Tora will take on any challenge brought to him, which includes dirty diapers, spit, puke, snot, spilled milk, anything, and he won’t complain at all, not even silently. Nothing compares to blood and guts anyway

– “It’s an honor to serve my family and get my hands dirty!”

–He is always the one to get up in the middle of the night if Kima cries. In his eyes, you’re already doing so much, have already DONE so much, giving birth and all, Tora won’t let you lift a finger. His wonderful wife is gonna get her beauty rest and not have to worry about a thing

-Tora loves being a bad ass dad and strolling around the neighborhood with his adorable little baby girl and his hot wife, whom he vows to protect with his life. Insert DILF era!

🐕ℳ𝒶𝓈𝒶🥡

–you go into labor in the middle of the night, and it takes you a good five minutes to wake Masa up. Dude can sleep forever, so you pinch his side hard to get him alert. When you do, he still needs to be told several times that you’re going into labor before his brain catches up

– “You’re…huh? Labor? You mean, like…the thing that…you know…really?!”

– Calls Tatsu on the way to the hospital in a panic, having forgotten everything he should do to ease your anxiety. Tatsu talks him through it, but it’s pretty clear that Masa is panicking just as much as you are. Luckily the nurses at the hospital know what they’re doing

–Masa tries to be brave and goes into the delivery room with you. He really doesn’t think it’s a good idea, but the boss said he’s gotta do it, so here he is. Poor boy tries hard to be supportive, but his ramblings only make you more anxious because you can tell HE’S nervous

–as soon as he sees the baby’s head popping out…yeah, he passes out cold, lol. Gory yakuza movies are great, but this kind of explicit imagery is too much for his manly brain to handle. Sorry, but you’re on your own now, kid, lmao

–Tatsu wakes Masa up and waits for everything to be cleaned up before bringing him back in. Masa is scared shitless, eyes wide, hands shaking as he approaches you and your newborn; but the second he sees your tearful smile at him, all his panic drifts away

– “Woah! We really made this thing? Dope! …Huh…it’s kinda ugly, isn’t it? Why does it look like that?”

– It takes some convincing, because Masa is afraid he’ll drop your baby, but you do get him to hold it, and a genuinely excited smile finally comes through. He’s in disbelief about being a dad until he holds the baby in his own arms, amazed at the lively little thing squirming about

–I can see Masa as being a boy dad. He’d be so stoked to have a mini man, would probably try to name it something like Kazuma, Yami, Link, anything from a video game he loves. You would compromise and go with Shinji, a nice name that can also be connected to several games and anime

–Masa feels clueless when you take your son home, anxious about everything you have to do right away…he spends most of his time just staring at the little guy, though, overwhelmed with awe that you two created this. It blows his mind, and he has no idea where to begin

– “So like, what do babies eat? I’ve got like, ten yen…maybe we can get them something small from the convenience store?”

– “Babies drink breast milk for the first year of their lives, Masa.”

– *Masa malfunction*

–For probably the first time in his life, Masa becomes focused, worried that he’s doing everything wrong when really, he’s doing a great job trying to keep up with your newborn. He’s doing his best, and that’s all you could ever ask for; the bags under his eyes prove it

–brags endlessly about his baby boy! He’s YouTube and Instagram famous already. Masa wants to set Shinji up for success and fame

–Although he might whine on the inside, he’ll clean diapers, wipe boogers, clean up puke, get up during the middle of the night, whatever! Masa wants to be as good a father as Tatsu says he can be. Whatever you ask him to do, he’ll do it, even if he feels like he isn’t doing things good enough

– Babies fascinate Masa, lol, and his son is especially interesting to him. He gets so excited whenever Shinji makes a new noise, or a new movement, or just does humanly things in general. He becomes convinced that Shinji’s quick fingers mean he’ll be a great video game player one day

– Speaking of video games, Masa sets his baby son down on the couch with him as he plays, explaining the lore in details a newborn could never understand. He claims Shinji is his good luck charm, and frequently casts a look down at his son to ensure he’s okay. You think it’s cute when you find Masa and Shinji asleep on the couch after completing a hard level together, your two silly boys the best of friends already

–Like Tora, Masa loves showing his baby off, feeling like a real adult when he whips out pictures of Shinji at his first photoshoot; really, it isn’t pride he’s feeling, but just pure, unfiltered happiness he wants to spread to everyone he meets. Masa might worry a lot about his parenting skills, but with you there to help, he thinks he might turn out to be a great dad

🐉 🐅 🐕

Househusband Headcanon Masterlist

[avatarofcuriousity]

How and why Lilith didn't do anything wrong and still deserves justice.

(Or aka, me ranting about the corruption of the Celestial Realm once again)

(This is essentially just me rambling into the void, but it continues to fester in my mind, so please indulge me if you can lol)

Lilith, the 7 sin's sweet little sister who met an unfortunate fate; did NOTHING wrong. What she did was nothing worthy of the severe punishment that was given. It's one of the many instances of the Celestial Realm being corrupted, but it's THIS specific instance that makes my head spin.

For starters, no, Lilith did NOT get punished for falling for and being with a human. This is a common misconception, so I'd like to make that clear.

What Lilith got punished for; was stealing Celestial Realm food and altering a human's life-span. I am here today to discuss why there was entirely nothing wrong with Lilith's decisions and how the Celestial Realm's decisions were nothing but harmful and hypocritical.

Let's get this show rolling. Let's go over my First focus point: The Celestial Realm Food.

My first question; is why. WHY keep something that could be so valuable AWAY from humans? For angels, their very purpose is to help humans, to quite literally perform miracles. So why?

Why not cure this human of an incurable illness when it's so easy? Why do they INSIST on causing more pain to the human in suffering, as well as the people, and in this case, angels around them?

It's not like Lilith's lover was on his deathbed because of old age. It's not like it was his time. So what was stopping the Celestial Realm from just healing him in the first place?

There was nothing to lose. Lilith could've been happy, and with it, an entire WAR could've been avoided.

The fact that even later in the story, WITH MC, Celestial Realm food is just. Treated normally? It's literally one of the VERY first things that come up! That in Lesson 7, they have food served from different realms when staying at Diavolo's castle.

Devildom food on the first day, Celestial Realm food on the second day and Human World food on the third day.

You can make the argument that it could've been a very specific and special Celestial Realm food, after all, it DOES provide healing abilities. The problem with that is; it's a hypothetical. It could've been a very rare and special fruit, or it could've been the Celestial Realm equivalent to a fucking donut.

In the end; it's never stated to be anything special. All that is said is that it's simply made out to be ordinary Celestial Realm food. That's the plain and simple information given, and unless there's something specific we don't know about; we have to take this as fact.

If it's not stated in canon; then it's not canon. This is rule of thumb.

If we go with this, then we can make the argument that all Celestial Realm food is inherently healing to humans. At the end of the day, no one is batting a single EYE with MC eating Celestial Realm food.

Which brings me to my second focus point: No one is batting a single eye with Solomon being immortal.

Let's bring in another hypothetical! Let's just say that whatever Lilith's human lover ate, turned him immortal. I'll first mention how this is very unlikely if not impossible.

Lilith lived a happy life with her lover as a human. Lilith also died as a human. Why would Lilith's human lover be any different? Why would he continue living? If that were to be the case, you'd think that it would make itself a plot point or at least be mentioned; but it's not.

BUT. For the sake of this hypothetical; let's just pretend he turned immortal. Whether he is still living or got killed years ago; let's just assume he was/ is immortal. (Note: Immortal simply means living forever. This does NOT equal immunity and removing the chances of being killed or something happening to you. Tons of people don't know this, and it astonishes me, so please live your life with this knowledge)

So.

He's immortal.

deep inhale...

WHY IS THIS A PROBLEM. LIKE??? DO I EVEN. HAVE TO EXPLAIN MYSELF. AGGRESSIVELY POINTING TO SOLOMON HOW NO ONE HAS A SINGLE PROBLEM WITH HIM BEING IMMORTAL SO WHY DOES IT EVEN MATTER I SWEAR THE CELESTIAL REALM IS SO FUCKING HYPOCRITICAL AND MAKES ZERO SENSE AND--

Conclusion!

So, uh, yeah, Lilith did nothing wrong and I am 100% a Lilith apologist.

Yeah, no, I'm not ending there. I still have one more thing to add. A question I've asked more times than I can count.

Why?

Why couldn't Lilith's lover live? Why did Lilith have to be punished? Why did a war have to break out?

And since no one will be giving me an answer, I'm providing myself one:

Because they wanted this to happen.

Is it really that surprising? The Realm that has done nothing but scheme, manipulate and brainwash, (gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss) that they were the ones to set up the war? Because they wanted it to happen? And still, WHY? Why would they want this to happen?

Well, for one, if you read this other lil theory/ analysis that you should definitely check out by the way--

God is fucking SALTY.

I'm sorry, I genuinely can't describe it any better. Like. I. Yeah. That's. That's genuinely it. That's the summary, that's the conclusion.

Okai, fine I'll explain a bit more.

God wanted to get rid of anyone who opposed him.

The brothers were already on the brink of falling; even before the war and what happened with Lilith. The brothers, along with Lilith I'm sure; were already defying God and questioning the very system they have pledged their lives to. (Not that they had a choice) God saw this; and so he planned. Planned a war, or rather; an excuse to get rid of the brothers. The very ones that have started questioning and defying him; but never stating it outright.

And the other angels and the like; accepted this and followed like sheep, as an unfortunate truth as that is.

Lilith's crimes weren't because she fell in love with a human, and it wasn't because she altered a human's life-span. Lilith's crimes were because she was defying a corrupted system, a corrupted ruler.

And she paid the price for acting as the catalyst just so her brothers could follow down with her.

Wow! So! You made it! Allll the way down to the end of the post! You read it all, I'm so proud of you! Can't believe you'd listen to my silly lil ramblings, so thank you.

[ammarettu]

please pleaseeeeee please please please give us a part 3 to true hate's kiss i NEED a resolution im obsessed 🙏

Your wish is my command.

Parts 1 and 2

Part 3 under the break

He dithers at the edge of the stage for just a moment, hesitates, until Valdo forcefully shoves him back into the crowd.

He doesn't want to think about what will happen now, his hands have a tremble to them that make him almost wonder if he could claim to be ill again just to keep him. He wonders if Geralt will notice if he just... follows him out of the party and into his camp and just... stays there.

He groans, of course Geralt would notice. He's already annoyed the poor man enough. Fuck. What does he even say now? Should he say anything? Should he just leave and save Geralt the trouble?

He nabs a cup of wine from an unsuspecting bystander who huffs at him in disapproval. He tosses it back in one fluid motion, then glances over to where Geralt was only to find the Witcher absent from the space.

Jaskier's heart somehow plummets and rises into his throat all at once, his pulse throbs in his fingers. Of course Geralt would leave the moment the curse was broken. Why the fuck would he stick around? Jaskier's already been enough of a burden on him, even before this whole fiasco, he couldn't have honestly expected, or even hoped, for Geralt to stick around.

He asks someone if they saw where the Witcher went, alright he asks several people, but none saw him leave. He slipped out silently, or whatever. Likely to avoid Jaskier trying to trail after him like he always used to.

Jaskier takes a breath, closes his eyes in an attempt to calm himself and force the tears back - it doesn't work. He gets drunk instead.

-

Geralt flees, you know, like a coward.

He can't describe the rush of feeling that floods through him when he hears Jaskier's voice again for the first time in... too long. He'd gotten so used to having that voice at his side, encouraging him, complimenting him, and just generally being a light that was far too bright for this world. For Geralt's world, dark and dripping with blood and hatred.

And hearing him speak again wrenches at something in his chest that he doesn't want to dwell on. Something raw and painful. He thought when he heard that voice again he could have atoned for all the cruel shit he'd spewed, merciless and without truth.

He can't bear to stick around and hear that voice turn on him the same way he'd done to Jaskier. Can't bear to hear the words of hatred he's so used to hearing from every other human pour like vitriol from such sweet lips-

Can't bear the rejection.

It's pathetic, after all he's put the bard through, all he's said, how he's certain his own words felt to Jaskier, who feels everything so deeply. But he is pathetic, and a coward, so he runs.

He finds himself down one of the estate's many long halls, golden filigree doors lining the walls. He'd intended to go outside, kind of. He hadn't really been paying attention, more concerned with simply moving away, but he'd hoped he might just end up outdoors.

Still, it's better than nothing. He pushes open a door, finding a large bedroom on the other side, and closes it behind him.

He sighs and flops onto a red velvet armchair, burying his head in his hands.

It's been a long day. A long week. It's been strange, as nice as it was having Jaskier back at his side the lack of noise usually associated with the bard still being absent was off-putting and wrong.

He takes a minute to recenter himself. To get used to being alone again. He curls into himself, resting his head on his forearms, on his knees, and firmly does not cry. He doesn't.

He also doesn't lose track of time, nor is he startled when there is a noise in the hall, giggling and shuffling footsteps - a thump, someone is pushed against the door to the room in which Geralt has taken residence. He stumbles to his feet, hears a moan past the door and moves to the window to calmbor out (the sun has set now, several hours have passed since he entered) - his medallion shudders in it's place against his chest. A warning. He pauses, he hasn't a choice, whatever is waiting outside the doors is a monster of some kind about to feast. A bruxa, knowing their affinity for alcohol infused blood.

"I wasn't expecting to find you here tonight," a female voice mutters, "Imagine my delight and surprise."

"Mm, I'm about to delight you even more."

Geralt almost fucking trips over his own feet as he glides across the room towards the door. The second voice is Jaskier's. As badly as he wants to turn on his heel and leave, his cowardice returning with a burning vengeance, he can't. Not if-

"And what of your Witcher? Will he not be joining us?"

Jaskier huffs a little laugh, "Geralt isn't my anything," Geralt winces at the coldness in his tone, "Anyways, he left."

"He'd just leave you here alone?" He hears Jaskier take a shuddering breath, hears the unbuttoning of his doublet.

"Course he would," Jaskier mutters, "He hates me."

Geralt blinks. That- Jaskier can't possibly think- but then again Geralt has always been rather cruel. It makes sense, he supposes, that he'd think Geralt hates him, especially after the mountain. But he was certain that the hatred was more than a little directed back at him.

"And yet you love him still?" The woman taunts, "How admirable."

Geralt wants to laugh at the absurdity. Jaskier doesn't love him, he hates him. He made that clear when he came to him to break a curse that could only be broken by kissing someone he hated. He waits for the refusal, but it never comes. Instead, Jaskier mutters, "Aren't you supposed to be distracting me? Making me forget?"

He can hear the grin when the woman, the Bruxa, replies, "Oh, darling, soon you won't remember a thing."

"What the fuck-" Jaskier gasps as the door handle moves, he's shoved inside, the Bruxa stepping in after him all feral eyes, fanged teeth and clawed hands. The door opens inwards, blocking line of sight between the newest occupants and the Witcher pressing himself to the wall as the vampire lurches towards Jaskier. The door slams shut, and in less than a second Geralt has his silver drawn and cleanly through the Bruxa's neck. One motion. One swipe. She never even saw him. Neither did Jaskier, until the head is already rolling, and he's taking a breath in to scream.

Geralt is there in a flash, leather-gloved hand pressed firmly over the bard's lips, "It's me, Jaskier."

He's trembling, breath coming in short little puffs that make Geralt kind of worried he might pass out, but he moves carefully back away and says, "Geralt. You're still here."

His eyes are misty with tears and drink and Geralt finds himself sighing, fond.

"I'm here. We should go."

"You- we?"

"You want to stay in the room with a bloody corpse?"

"Well... no, but we should at least take her jewelry, don't you think? Those sapphires, Geralt! A travesty to leave them on the floor."

He rolls his eyes but allows it, if Jaskier wants some jewelry he's earned it. Plus it's kind of nice to see a little glimpse of the same hedonistic bard he's missed.

The sneak out of the manor, and into the stables to gather Roach. It's just easier. Sure the woman was a Bruxa, but she was still high society, and all the red tape and questions... Geralt shudders just thinking about it.

They end up in the forest under the stars just like they used to sleep, with Jaskier chattering away and a canopy of leaves swaying with the breeze.

Geralt will ask Jaskier tomorrow what the Bruxa meant about him loving him.

-

He doesn't ask. He can't make the words force themselves from his throat. Instead, he wakes early and makes them both breakfast like he used to, wakes Jaskier with gentle shakes and a cup of warm willow bark tea sweetened with just a bit of honey.

"Where are you off to now?" Jaskier asks him as they pack up, soft as a whisper.

Geralt pauses, glances to Jaskier, and takes a chance, "Always drowners along the coast," he says. Hears Jaskier swallow in response.

"Yeah?"

"Mm... Hear Kerack is pretty this time of year." A sharp intake of breath, Jaskier's heart beats so hard Geralt is pretty sure he could hear it even without his Witcher senses.

"Is that so?"

Geralt resumes what he was doing, tacking up Roach, pretends to be nonchalant, "The taverns there could probably use a bard," he says.

"Are you sure?" Jaskier's voice is shaking and Geralt hates how uncertain he sounds. How hopeful.

"Jaskier."

"Yes?"

Geralt turns, tilts his head to the side a bit, "Come to the coast with me."

A sheen forms on those gorgeous blue eyes, brought to life even more by the glittering sapphires he now wears on his ears and around his neck.

"Yes," he breathes, and Geralt smiles his response, holds out his hand, and hoists his bard up onto his horse.

[notmorbid]

still born.

dialogue prompts from still born by guadalupe nettel. this book deals directly with infant loss / illness.

nothing will happen to you while i'm here.

in friendships like ours, there's no room for hypocrisy.

they say that violence begets violence.

the more we love a person, the more fragile and insecure we feel because of them.

if you disappeared, a part of me would go with you.

i can't take any more of you.

can i bum one off you?

what was it like to live with ____?

i didn't come here to argue with you.

i've got you to love. i don't need anyone else.

can you talk? i need to tell you something.

it's a long story. you'll need to pay attention. do you have time now?

did you just get back from school?

i just went for a walk around the block.

why don't we go to the park this afternoon?

i talk to myself, too.

did anyone tell you what happened?

what did i do wrong?

there's nothing like looking at a lake to calm one's thoughts.

do you mind if i smoke?

i promise you i won't leave until it's better.

the city is full of dangerous people.

i can't imagine what it would feel like to be in your place.

there's no word for a parent who loses a child.

did you used to play in the street when you were little?

it's not healthy to wallow in pain.

what should i have done differently?

i can't keep explaining it over and over again.

talking about it made me feel better.

anger is nothing but a screen for avoiding pain.

you're totally unreadable.

you're smoking again?

being a mother means being worried about someone else all the time.

love and common sense are not always compatible.

some music fuses with our selves, we've listened to it so much.

cohabitation is one of the hardest experiences to survive.

i wouldn't mind a vodka tonic.

some people are more awake at night.

what did you used to like doing before you shut yourself in?

i don't want kids, even adopted ones.

you forgot how to be happy.

there's nothing for you here. go away.

it's easier to blame others for what we can't tolerate in ourselves.

you look like you've gone back in time.

you can spend the day with me.

it's not right, but sometimes it's worth doing.

what i want is for you to stop meddling in my life.

i need to know so i can help you.

it's as if ____ needs to suck my life force to grow.

all i feel is worn out.

normal mothers don't think those kinds of things, do they?

i'm not sure 'normal mothers' exist.

you'll judge me. you always do.

there are people who consider misfortune an infectious disease.

we tend to see our mother's mistakes as the source of all our problems.

you're always questioning the past.

if you don't leave home, you suffocate. if you go too far, you lose oxygen.

from hereon in, anything that happens is a bonus.

i'm here to help you, not to fight you.

i like to say things straight.

there's always a way to renegotiate debt.

i can't believe you hid this from me. it's like staying quiet when there's a fire in the house.

you're not on your own. we're a family now.

i ask myself why you stay sometimes, too.

are we going to stay like this for the rest of our lives?

blood ties don't guarantee anything.

the biological family is something that's been imposed on us. there's no reason we should settle for that if it doesn't work for us.

i can't stand being in my head.

is it your voice in your head, or someone else's?

what do you do when your thoughts bother you?

you've got space inside you where you can go and hide.

we have the children that we have, not the ones we imagined we'd have.

what could someone so young know about despair?

don't leave my side for a minute.

i feel like an absolute worm.

do you think you'll be able to fall in love again?

don't be nervous. whatever has to happen will happen. no one gets out of that.

[amberinn]

okay thoughts 👏

not a lot of emotionally charged moments

love the little davwhit and charwhit interactions

Whit is actually SOSOSOSO smart and I'm so thrilled to the core as a Whit fan that his thinking process is shown

Like he is SO UNDERSTANDING and good and amazing I love it

Levi is a psychopath 100%

I made a rant about Whit being a sociopath, but he doesn't fit that criteria because he lacks in exploitation behaviours/anger

I'm SURE he has some sort of hidden disorder (Whit) we haven't yet really talked about

im not a psychologist though

let's leave it to that one person headcanon diagnosing Veronika with asocial personality disorder or whatever I do NOT know what that is!

I fucking love this cast, but it's so mentally ill to the core.

Like so many of those fuckers have something wrong with them I can't stand it (affectionate)

Arei and David interaction??? Let's go

They could've been such good friends and Arei is so sweet forreal.

Eden with the fucking fork.

Fucking hell, oh my GOD.

I love the transitions in scrum debate, they're scrumbtastic and I fucking love and hate how they represent things like, hanging, getting thrown and then breaking your neck, the swinging... fuck it makes me sick

Areden could have been so real

Arei's friends being David and Eden... yeah

It could have been good

I hate the parallels between how David got extended that hand to take--- Xander, Arei.

I've an animation idea between the three od them and this is just slipping so well into my understanding of their dynamic (I'm not really analyzing it too deeply thinking of it though... I guess I should)

I'll get to know the real you, I love you, I will be your friend.

I know you for who you are, it makes me relieved, I guess we're both bad humans huh?

But does a good person really exist?

We'll look out for each other... I could be your friend.

Like fuck drdt is David Chiem nightmare especially that "only someone so fucking naive, stupid, jdk, jekcus could have fallen for such an obvious trap" feels like grief

he's just lost another fucking friend of his

scratch that your outburst is reasonable, or maybe I misremember shit

I would also go insane if anyone who was ever willing to love me got murdered one by one

All you ever do is gain and lose people, just like in "Therefore you and me"

As a result of acquiring as a result of losing, huh David Chiem?

It makes sense for him to want to extinguish that

Everyone looks forward to seeing tomorrow, but what are you gaining by it?

Friends you're losing

Maybe it's even harder for him, because Whit has a friend (Charles) he gets to keep, while David keeps on seeing his get murdered over and over again.

It never ends.

That fucked up little glint when Teruko told her secret >>>>>>>>>

ALSOOOO ALSO

whatever drama was going on between Ace and Levi

Levi IS an insanely fucked up person, and I keep thinking over and over about how for me at least there is not one person I could ship Ace with

like damn mf 🙏 he alone af

I want to give Ace Markey such a big hug, like he is a bitch and has teeth which cut through you every 3 seconds, but girl.

girl you DO NOT DESERVE ALL OF THAT 😭😭😭😭

any of that

Ace Markey is like, subtly circling upwards on my favouritism lists he's my wet kitten you don't get him like I do

He's had a friend before who was a guy

something something---

The fact that I even considered thinking of anyone over here as my friend really just tarnishes his image.

He cares about his friend SO MUCH.

It might be STUPID for me, but this reads as gay.

Ok just trust me in on this I'm a boykisser with a similar situation at hand.

girl lover as well, how do you THINK one person figures out that?

I just feel like Ace Markey might've discovered his homosexuality via that friend

that best friend one might say which makes me sososoo insanely CURIOUS about who it was

yk why

bcs id finally get an Ace ship I actually fw

hell ya let's go homies

also I need to add---

I feel like something has REALLY happened with his friend

might be a bit stupid, but I feel like that friend is dead

"tarnishes his image" huh Ace? Ace what does that mean, why would that image be able to be tarnished

did you say had Ace or am I not remembering it?

are you so afraid of everything, because your best friend is dead Ace?

it's kinda a stretch still though, a leap of faith on a suggestion I'm willing to argue about

[butterflyseas]

⸻ "hey... you okay?"

☆ノ aka how they take care of you when you're sick (ft. march 7th, seele, bronya, natasha, serval)

↳ notes: wrote this while i wasn't feeling too good, so this is pretty self-indulgent. may be a little bit ooc. just some quick little headcanons <3

↳ content: gn!reader. mentions of being sick (non specific). slight spoilers in natasha's. brief mentions of loss. fluff <3

⸻ 𝗠𝗔𝗥𝗖𝗛 𝟳𝗧𝗛

MARCH notices that you're sick before you even realize it yourself — there's a certain shine that's missing from your eyes; your expression isn't as bright as it normally is. she's committed your face to memory; not even the slightest change in it goes missed.

seeing the change in your expression changes hers — it goes from its usual cheerful bubbliness to a concerned one in the blink of an eye as she asks you what's wrong. and when you tell her you don't feel well, she immediately tells you that you "should have told me sooner!" and that "you need to rest right away!"

she corrals you off to her room and tucks you in amongst her pillows and blankets and stuffed animals. she just wants you to be as comfortable as possible! at least, that's half of the truth — she also just wants to stay close to you.

whatever you need, she's happy to get you! water? there's already a full glass on the nightstand. tea for when your throat is sore? she's brewing a pot as you speak. tissues? she set out a box next to you ages ago. medicine? she's pestering dan heng to get every kind he can find. cuddles until you fall asleep? she was already going to do that <3

part of it is because she wants you to get better as soon as possible — she misses hanging out and going places with you — but it's also because she doesn't like seeing you unwell. it makes her anxious for some reason — like she's on the verge of losing something important to her. she doesn't tell you that, though — she doesn't want you to worry when you're already not feeling good.

so, for your sake — and her own — she ignores that feeling and instead focuses her energy on keeping you in high spirits. she'll talk your ear off about anything that comes to mind — usually stories about past trailblazing expeditions and the adventures she got up to on them. anything to put even the slightest smile on your face.

"oh, oh! and then, dan heng said—"

⸻ 𝗦𝗘𝗘𝗟𝗘

when SEELE gets sick, she ignores it and pushes through whatever illness she may have gotten. because of that, she doesn't notice when you're feeling unwell until you're trailing a handful of paces behind her.

she'll scold you for not telling her sooner — and for making her worry — but she's mostly upset with herself for not realizing something was wrong quicker. if something were to happen to you because she was careless... she doesn't like to think about it; she'll be more vigilant next time.

her first instinct is to take you to see natasha — she's not a total novice when it comes to managing an illness, but she'd rather be safe than sorry and make sure it really is just a simple cold and not something more serious. and when it isn't — when it really is just some little bug you caught from somewhere — she visibly relaxes and lets out a small sigh of relief.

even if she's not the best at showing it, seele cares deeply about you. every time she tells you to stay in bed; to take the medicine natasha sent home with you; to make sure you eat enough — it's all because she's worried about you. she's lost too many people; seen far too much death. she's doesn't want to lose you, too.

her edges soften when she's around you — they do normally, but it's more noticeable now. she'll stop you if you try to get something for yourself, saying that you should take it easy; that she's got it. she doesn't want you to overexert yourself and make your illness worse — but, deep down, she also wants to take care of you.

"just take it easy, okay? i've got it."

⸻ 𝗕𝗥𝗢𝗡𝗬𝗔

BRONYA is a busy woman. being the commander of the silvermane guards as well as being the future supreme guardian means that she doesn't have a lot of free time — and any free time she does have is spent worrying about the safety and future of belobog.

however, the second she catches wind of you being sick, all of her worries shift over to you.

she can't fully abandon her duties to rush to your side — she wishes she could, though — but she does delegate as much as she can to her subordinates so she can check on you without so much looming over her head.

when you're in person, she keeps most of her worry off her face — a habit she's yet to fully break, even in your presence — but you can tell that she is, if the massive bag of items she brought with her is anything to go off of. medicines, snacks, bottles of water, soothing oils that fill the room with their scent the moment she opens them — anything that you might need to help you feel better.

she can't stay with you all day, but she stays as long as she can. most of it is spent with her doting on you — cooking lunch, brewing tea, spooning out the correct dosage of medicine to give you, cleaning and tidying your room — but there are soft, quiet moments as well. she'll sit by your bedside, holding your hand until she finally relents to your coaxing to lay next to you. with her face turning red, she'll settle into the spot beside you, wrapping an arm around your shoulders and stroking your hair until you eventually fall asleep against her side.

before she leaves, she tucks you in and leaves a small kiss on your forehead.

"i'll be back tomorrow. rest well until then."

⸻ 𝗡𝗔𝗧𝗔𝗦𝗛𝗔

being a doctor, NATASHA is the most skilled when it comes to taking care of illnesses and ailments. and being the only doctor — as well as the leader of wildfire — in the underground means she's seen just about everything in the book, from the common cold to broken bones to everything in between — you're in good hands with her.

when you come into her clinic saying you don't feel well, she's immediately nudging you toward a bed and urging you to lay down while she looks you over and assesses your symptoms.

the underground is low on supplies — especially medical ones — but she'll still set aside some medicine and painkillers for you to take. if you don't want them — or if the clinic's supply is running dangerously low — she'll make you any one of the at-home remedies she knows.

basically, whatever you need, she'll get for you — and if she can't, she'll compromise as best she can. and if she can't do that, either, she'll venture out into the underground for a supply run herself.

while she can't shirk her duties entirely, she'll still spend every moment she can by your side. she knows it's a little excessive — after all, you're not dying — but she can't help it. she just cares about you too much to not dote on you a little — and with the way she smiles whenever you tell her you're doing okay before thanking her for caring so much, you can't bring yourself to be bothered by it.

"just lay back and relax. i'll take care of you~"

⸻ 𝗦𝗘𝗥𝗩𝗔𝗟

SERVAL notices something is up when you first walk through the doors of her workshop. there's a sluggishness to the way you're walking that isn't normally there — did you not get enough sleep last night? or maybe you just woke up earlier than normal?

when she asks what's up and learns that you woke up feeling sick, her older sister instincts kick in before you even finish speaking. the machine she was tinkering with is put to the side in favor of making sure you're okay; it's not long after that you're ushered to sit down while she gets things set up for you.

she finds a pile of blankets and pillows stashed away somewhere that she turns into a makeshift bed for you. it's not the most comfortable thing in the world, but it's comfortable enough — plus, it's warm and it smells like her, so you don't mind too much.

with you tucked into your blankets, she starts a pot of tea and takes to rummaging around the workshop until she finds a few bottles of medicine hidden away in a drawer. hopefully, it's enough to stave off your sickness before it gets worse — but, if it's not and you end up needing something stronger, she'll ask gepard to stop by the clinic for her so she doesn't have to leave your side.

she likes having you lay your head in her lap — she does normally, but she especially does while she's taking care of you. she'll run her fingers through your hair and ask which of her songs you like the most — whichever you pick, she'll sing to you until you fall asleep like that. and even after you have, she'll stay in her spot until you either wake up or someone enters the workshop in need of her services.

"i don't normally give private concerts, but i'll make an exception just for you."

[tworoadsandapenny]

What You Wish For: Epilogue 2: Ghosts

This second “epilogue” of sorts is a gift to those still actually reading this angst monster. I thought you could use a little fluff after all that tragedy.

You may need to read chapter 12 again to understand where this one comes from, but it should still make sense on it’s own.

~*~*~*~*~*~

“Raphael.”

That snaps him back. His eyes spring open and he gasps like he’s been holding his breath. He looks confused and… scared? The nerves on the back of my neck perk up immediately. Raph never lets his fear show so openly. Whatever’s happening right now is serious.  

“Leo?”

“You alright?” I try not to coddle, not wanting to make the situation worse. But the way his voice sounds—so lost and frightened—is freaking me out. I actually wish he’d go back to shouting at me instead.  

“What… What happened?”

He still looks like he’s about to collapse so I lead him over to the bench and help lower him down—he doesn’t fight my assistance so now I know something is wrong. I make sure to keep my voice even as I explain. “You were in the middle of cussing me out for following you tonight when you suddenly stopped talking and closed your eyes. You looked like you were about to pass out.”

As I say it, I move quickly to check his eyes and forehead for signs of illness before he fully comes back to himself and pushes me away. “You don’t have a fever, but your eyes look a little red. Is it a headache?” I stand back slightly, fully expecting him to swipe my hand away and storm off or shout at me to stop worrying or something of an explosive nature. But he just keeps looking at me with wide, frightened eyes.

I can’t stand seeing that look on his face.

“Raph.” He doesn’t answer and my gut is getting twitchier with worry by the second. “Raphael.” His eyes move to my stomach, fear and pain from an unknown source plainly displayed for me to see. It scares me to see him like this. I don’t… I don’t know what to do. I want to help, but I don’t know what’s wrong. I’m about to go running for Sensei when something stops me dead in my tracks.

Tears start streaming down his face. He’s crying. Raph is crying. And I suddenly want to burn the world down to find whatever has done this to my brother.  

“Raph.”

I breathe deep to keep my own emotions in check as I kneel in front of him with a hand on each shoulder, giving a firm squeeze while I try to catch his eyeline. I don’t care if he’ll be angry, I just want him to know I’m here.

“Is there anything I can do?”

I don’t know what’s hurting him, but I do know Raph hasn’t cried in front of me since were kids. Whatever this is… I want to help. I have to—

“Why?”

His voice is broken. My chest clenches tighter at the sound of it. I try to be as calm and even as I can. “You’re crying.”

I don’t think he noticed. Still doesn’t seem to. He just stares at me, eyes piercing my own with their pain.

Without thought, I wrap my arms around him, pulling him close as if my embrace could leech the pain from him and onto me. It’s an instinct as old as we are. Older brother instinct to hold onto him as tight as possible until the fear goes away. “I’m here, bro. Whatever’s going on… I’m here.” I squeeze a little tighter, more for my own desperation than his. “I’ve got you.”

His body starts shaking.

“Dammit, Leo…”

I hold firm, pulling him closer. 

“Dammit Leo!”

I don’t know what else to do!

“Dammit! LEO—”

“I’m here, Raph!” I’m shouting now too, my own desperation slipping into my voice because I’m suddenly certain that if I let go I’ll lose my brother forever. I squeeze even tighter as my voice tries to reach through his pain. “I’ve got you.”

It was like strings on a marionette suddenly snapping; his arms shoot out like being annexed from a cannon, wrapping around me with enough intensity to match my hold and then some. He buries his face in my shoulder and silently sobs, and it’s all I can do to keep from tearing up myself.

I can’t remember ever seeing Raph like this since passing out of childhood. And I’m terrified at how powerless I am to help him.

So I just hold on, hoping that whatever has broken him, I can keep him together.

Suddenly there’s something in front of me. An apparition of my brother, or an echo or faint copy. He’s still in my arms, still clinging to me for dear life and crying into my shoulder. But his figment is also there. Staring at me with wide, frightened eyes.

No, not frightened. Daunted. He looks at me as though I’ve betrayed him; so much pain and horror in his eyes that it rattles my very soul.

“LEO! NO!”

He reaches for me, but before I can attempt to reach back, he’s gone. Disappears like smoke in the wind.

The silence of the room is crushing. I don’t understand what’s going on. I hold my brother tight, afraid he’ll disappear too. Whatever this is, whatever is happening, I won’t let it take him.

“Raph,” I place a hand on the back of his head, still refusing to release my other arm from around his shell. “Talk to me. Tell me how I can help. Please.”

The door to the dojo is abruptly flung open loudly and without care. I turn instinctively, placing myself between my brother and the entrance, still holding him close. My hand moves from his head to my katana—why? We’re at home, there’s nothing I should be afraid of. But Raph is crying and I can’t help him and none of this makes sense!—but my panic fades when I see who steps into the doorway.

“Sensei?”

“My son!” Even from afar I can see the fear in his eyes. Had he seen the apparition of Raph too?

“Sensei, I don’t know what happened. He just suddenly—”

But our father isn’t staring at Raph, he’s staring at me. The same mixture of terror and anguish in his features that Raph has.

A frightening sense of dread starts to crawl up my shell unbidden.

“…Sensei? Are you alright?”

He stares a moment longer, reaching up and cupping my face with his hand. The tender gesture coupled with the tear that leaks from the corner of his eye only deepens my worry.

“Leonardo…” He pauses, finally noticing the concern on my face, and takes a moment to compose himself, clearly tamping down some strong emotions. “Are you alright, my son?”

I’m not entirely sure how to answer that. “…Hai, Sensei. I’m fine. But…” I look down to Raph, still clinging to me tightly with his eyes sealed shut and fully closed off to the world around him. I haven’t the first clue how to explain this. “Raph just—I don’t know what happened but he…” But Sensei is still focused on me and I can’t stand that look of terror in his eyes. “Dad, please… What’s wrong?”

I need to know what’s happening. I need to know how to protect my family.

“I… I am not entirely certain.” He speaks slowly, processing as he goes. “I was reading, when I felt a pain appear from nowhere. A gaping hole in my spirit that I have only known once before… when I lost my family.” His face wears his pain plainly.

“I don’t understand.”

“You were gone, my son.” He looks me in the eyes, an intensity I can’t name shimmering brightly as he speaks. “I cannot explain it, but I knew for certain that you were no longer of this world. You had left us. It was so potent, so real…”

He reaches again to cup my cheek, and all I can do is stare with wide confused eyes.  

“I am just so grateful I was wrong. You are still here, still—”

“I’m fine, Sensei.” I’m trying to be as reassuring as possible because I know he wouldn’t act like this for no reason, but it’s so strange to be in this kind of spotlight. And I’m really not the one he should be worried about right now. I look down at Raph again and Splinter finally follows my gaze.

He breathes deep, placing a hand on Raph’s shell. “My son, did you feel as I did? That something had happened to Leonardo?”

But Raph is either unwilling or unable to answer.

I pull him in a little tighter. “We were talking and he suddenly stopped and… He looked like he was about to pass out.”

I’m not explaining this right. There was so much more to it. But I don’t want to betray his trust by blabbing to our father that he’d been sobbing like a frightened child.

“Raphael…” Good, he’s got his comforting tone that can pierce through anything. ”My son, please… can you tell me what has happened?”

Silence falls, thick with worry. But Sensei sits with pure patience, his hand rubbing soft circles on Raph’s shell to let him know he’s here and willing to wait as long as necessary.

Meanwhile I’m quietly going out of my mind.

Raph is still clinging to me like if he lets go he’ll die, his body is still quaking, and there are remnants of tears trickling down his cheeks. And every second that passes without helping him, without doing something to take away his pain, is rapidly eating away at me.

There has to be something I can—

But I know my brother well. I know if I try to force him to open up, he’ll close off even more. Like Sensei is doing, we have to let him come to us on his own terms, in his own time. So I keep my desperation to myself, keep my hands firmly clamped around him so he knows I’m not going anywhere, and silently pray for this all to be over soon.

I’ll happily listen to him cuss me out again if it just means he’s okay.

I focus on my breathing, keeping it calm and steady so Raph can’t tell I’m silently panicking. Though I’m pretty sure Sensei is picking up on it. His eyes meet mine again and I see the fading remains of his terror, but he offers his most reassuring smile and it helps settle me a bit. Sensei can help him. Whatever is going on, Sensei can—

“Raphael.” Splinter speaks softly as my younger brother finally stirs, pulling away from my grasp with his eyes fixed squarely on my stomach. “Are you alright?”

He mumbles a stifled “M’fine” as he turns away and wipes the tears from his face. I try not to stare, I know he get embarrassed about this sort of thing, but I can’t take my eyes off him until I know he’s alright.

“Can you tell us what happened?”

Sensei’s tone is endlessly patient, and yet void of patronization. Someday he’ll have to teach me how he does that.

He almost starts to speak, but his eyes clip mine and he clams up again.

“I can go,” I offer, despite everything in me not wanting to. “so you two can talk.”

Raph doesn’t say anything, but he stares at me intently. There’s clear desperation in his body, I just can’t tell if it’s for me to stay or leave.

“Perhaps—” Sensei doesn’t get to finish his sentence before there’s a loud, horrified shout, coming near the dojo door.

“LEO!? Leo where ARE YOU!?!”

“In here.” I call, noting that his voice is getting more terrified with each word. The minute he spots me, I see the same anguish. The same heart-stopping pain that the others had. He’s radiating it. “Mikey…”

His eyes are already filled with tears. My chest tightens at the sight of him.  

“LEO!”

He stumbles into the room, tripping over his own feet as he falls down beside me, immediately clamping his arms around my neck and hugging for all he’s worth.

It takes a good amount of effort not to fall over, but I keep us both upright as best I can as he squeezes the oxygen right out of me. “Can’t breathe, Mikey.” I’m fully expecting him to come back at me with a quip or a joke of some sort, but he doesn’t say anything. He just kneels beside me, arms wrapped around so tight I can’t move, and sobbing into my shoulder so hard you’d think his whole world just collapsed. “Mike…”

“L-Leo… You… Y-You’re here. You’re… Y-You were—” He blubbers incoherently between sobs.

I want to comfort, but I still don’t understand what’s going on. Maybe words aren’t what he needs right now. Maybe he just needs big brother. I fold one arm around his shell and place my other hand on his head, holding him close and letting him weep. “It’s okay, Mikey… I’m okay.”

I take a deep breath—or as deep a breath as I can manage with my baby brother coiling around me like a snake—and let it out slowly, continuing the pattern in the hopes that Mikey will follow suit and calm his crying a little. It takes a few more minutes, but eventually it works. And after a few deep breaths and trailing whimpers he releases his strangle hold and grasps my shoulders, pulling back to look me over with tears still pouring from his eyes and sobs only barely held at bay in the back of his throat.

“Are you okay!? Are you hurt!? Don’t you dare try to hide it, if you’re hurt you have to tell us now!”

“I’m fine.” But he’s not listening as his eyes fall to my stomach, staring at it with horror like it’s the source of all his worst nightmares.

Just like Raph.

I reach my hands up to cup his face and force him to look at me. “Mikey, I’m okay. Nothing happened to me. I wasn’t even overexerting while training. Here—” I place his hand on my neck so he can feel my pulse, making sure it’s nice and steady despite my concern. “See? Perfectly healthy.”

His eyes are still wide and worried. “You’re sure? You’re not… You’re…”

“I’m fine. I promise.”

He doesn’t even hesitate for a moment. The words barely leave my lips and he buries himself in my chest, arms wrapped around my shell in a vice grip again as the tears fall freely. I’m hoping this time it’s more relief than anything else.

I stroke his shell like I do to soothe him when he’s sick. It takes another few minutes, but he eventually calms down and relaxes into a gentler hold.

I glance beside me to see how Raph’s doing, but he immediately averts his eyes to floor. Anywhere but on me. There’s something in his body language that’s bothering me. Something he’s trying to hide or doesn’t want to admit. Something… guilty?

“What happened, Leo? Why did it feel like you were gone?” Mikey whispers, his voice heavy with fear.  

“We have asked that very same question, my son.” Sensei, thankfully, answers first.

“You guys felt it too?”

“Yes.” Sensei nods grimly. “It came out of nowhere, but it was incredibly… real. The fact that all three of us felt it so potently means it cannot have been a figment or a trick. But what could cause such a sensation?”

Mikey looks to our angrier brother and prods gently. “You too? You felt Leo… go?”

Raph doesn’t reply. Just folds his arms in front of his chest and glares deeper at the floor.

“Was it his stomach?”

Raph’s eyes whip over to Mikey’s with intensity and fear rippling through them.

Mikey only nods solemnly, apparently getting all the confirmation he needed from that reaction. But neither of them elaborate, so I have to ask.

“What about my stomach?”

“I don’t know.” Mikey lowers his head back to my chest as he talks, like he’s listening for a heartbeat. “I think… I think you were hurt there. I remember seeing blood on your stomach. Or feeling it? I don’t… I don’t know… it was so real, but so vague at the same time. The only thing I knew for sure was that you were…” His arms tighten around me as his voice trails off, unable or unwilling to finish the thought.

I pat his shell to reassure him I’m still alright, but I’m too lost in my own thoughts to comment or comfort. None of this makes any sense. We don’t have any enemies that can toy with our emotions like this, so it can’t be an outside force. And all of them felt the same thing at the same time, so it can’t be a hallucination or something internal.

Even if it was, that still wouldn’t explain the apparition of Raph that I saw. Reaching for me with desperation in every muscle and terror in every feature.

I shake my head. Clearly this isn’t something we can solve at the moment. But I can still try to take the fear from them. Distract them from it. At least for a bit. “Well whatever it was, it’s gone now. I’m okay,” I pat Mikey’s head to make sure he looks at me as I say it. “we’re all safe, so I say we take our minds off it all with a movie marathon. Mikey’s choice.”

That perks him up a bit, though not as much as I thought it would. And he’s still not letting go of me.

“Marvel movie marathon?”

He asks, only a hint of excitement in his voice. This sort of thing would normally get him completely riled up.

“An excellent idea, my sons.” Sensei places a gentle hand on Raph’s shoulder, his voice back in that space of understanding without sounding patronizing that I can never achieve. “Would you join us, Raphael?”

He still doesn’t say anything—hasn’t said a word this entire time and it’s making every nerve in my body stand on edge—but he moves to stand, I think waiting for us to go first.

“Come on, Mikey.” I say as I gently remove my baby brother enough so I can stand. He still keeps his arms glued around my torso, but at least I can move. “Which one do you want to watch fir—?”

I don’t get to finish because there’s a large flash of light in front of us that comes out of nowhere. I pull my brother behind me and stand in front of my family, my katanas unsheathed in an instant. With my nerves as on edge as they are, it takes a few seconds for me to recognize the person who steps out of the light.

Mikey makes the connection first, stepping from behind me with an understandable amount of surprise in his voice. “Renet?”

“Oh thank the multi-verse, you’re all okay!” She lunges in to hug Mikey while I step away and sheath my swords. “I’m so sorry! I’m so SO sorry! I swear I didn’t mean to! Can you ever forgive me!?”

Mikey looks to the three of us who all shrug in unified confusion. He pats her back. “Uh, sure! What are we forgiving you for?”

My nerves finally calm enough for my mind to think clearly. “That was you? You’re the reason they all thought I was dead?”

Sensei had clearly already put it together, but the other two stare in shock. Or in Raph’s case, anger.  

“Yes.” She says sheepishly as she pulls away and rubs her arm, obviously embarrassed and upset by the whole thing. “It was an accident, I swear! I never meant for the two to touch, and it was only for a second! I wasn’t even sure you guys would feel anything, I thought maybe you would have thought it was a dream like the other guys did, but as soon as everything was aligned again I came right here to make sure you were alright, and—gosh, I’m so so sorry! That must have been—I can’t even imagine having to feel all that when you’re not—I’m so—”

“Ms. Renet,” Master Splinter thankfully interrupts her tirade with a calm tone, gesturing towards the door. “Perhaps you could explain in full over a cup of tea.”

She scolds herself again before turning to Sensei with another apology in her eyes. “Yes, I’m sorry, I’m ahead of myself again, aren’t I? Tea would be great.”

We all head towards the kitchen, Mikey moving in step beside me so he can latch onto my arm again, fear of whatever Renet did still clearly lingering in his mind. Raph follows behind, head down and eyes wide, too curious to stay behind but too embarrassed—or frightened or… something—to make any sort of eye contact.

Just keep calm. I’m sure it wasn’t a big deal. Everyone will be back to normal within the hour.

I can’t get Raph’s tears out of my mind…

~*~*~*~*~*~

“I was only trying to take a closer look, but I must have bumped the timeline ever so slightly. It shifted and overlapped with yours for a second. Simultaneous fixed it right away, but by then I guess you guys had already felt the effects.” She taps the side of her tea cup nervously, apology number twenty five about to leave her lips, when Mikey cut in. 

“So… what we felt… it really happened? In that other timeline?”

“Yes.”

“Then they… they were really feeling all that. The other us’s. In that world, they were feeling all those things we felt.” His voice is so tentative, had I not been looking, I never would have guessed it was Mikey talking. “Because something happened to their Leo… right?”

Renet takes a long moment to think. Unusual for her, but I’m guessing she was trying to avoid causing any more trouble by answering things she shouldn’t. Finally, she nods her head.

I have so many questions about the whole thing, but I know better than to ask. I know what I need to: the others felt something I didn’t, which means they were all alive in that other timeline to feel it. So whatever happened, they were safe.

That’s all that ever matters to me.

Mikey grips my hand, pulling me from my thoughts, as he asks the question he’s been trying to ask for ten minutes. “Is… Is their Leo dead?”

I think we all know the answer, but there’s still a palpable tension as we wait for Renet to respond. She only nods her head solemnly, but the solid confirmation still seems to steal the air from the room.

Suddenly everyone’s eyes are on me and I can feel my skin crawling from the attention. But I don’t say anything. Not even as Mikey moves my arm to wrap himself around my torso in a hug I doubt I’ll be free from any time soon. Whatever they need for comfort, I want to be here. Even if I hate how they’re looking at me…

“How did it happen?”

It’s the first time Raph’s spoken since the dojo. Renet shifts uncomfortably in her seat, clearly still warring with how much information to tell and how much to hold back. “I don’t think I should—”

“How?”

Raph’s tone doesn’t exactly brook room for an argument, but I don’t think we should get into details. Mikey’s going to be having nightmares as it is. “Maybe it’s best if we—” but I stop as soon as I catch Raph’s gaze. He needs this… he needs to know. I don’t know why, but if it’ll help… “—just get the basics. We don’t need any details.”

Renet gives me a look, silently asking if I really think she should. I honestly don’t want her to, but this isn’t about me, is it? I give her a subtle nod.

“He…” She begins quietly, looking at everyone before she speaks as if waiting for an objection. “He was shot. By a Purple Dragon.”

I glance around to see everyone’s reaction. Mikey flinches like he could feel the bullet himself. Sensei breathes out a long breath, like he does when he’s trying to keep calm. Raph doesn’t react at all. His eyes fall back to the floor and his whole body tenses, but it was almost like he… anticipated the answer.

Renet waits a moment to allow it all to sink in before gulping in a deep breath. “I really should get back.” She stands, bowing to everyone. “I’m so SO sorry! It will never happen again, I swear!”

“Please Ms. Renet, do not apologize further.” Sensei comes beside her and pats her shoulder. “We do not fault you, it was an accident. And we appreciate you coming to explain. It is a great weight off our shoulders to not be left wondering what it was.”

That seems to relax her a bit, but one glance back at Mikey and Raph puts the regret right back on her face.

“Thanks Renet.” I can’t stand with Mikey gripping me like he is, but I offer her a sincere smile. “Circumstances aside, it was nice to see you again.”

“You too.” She smiles back, waving to everyone once more before activating her scepter and disappearing without a trace.

Silence descends on the lair again. Everyone too lost in their thoughts to speak.

I just feel… relieved. Morbid though it may be, It’s incredibly comforting to know that my brothers are all safe, even in other worlds. That I’m the one to be taken, not them.

I’ll never say it out loud. It would only upset them.

I wait a few more minutes for everyone to process before placing my hand on Mikey’s head to get his attention. “Hey, why don’t we make tonight a camp out? We can pile our beds in the living room for our movie marathon and sleep there tonight.”

“Together?”

I nod, noting the fear still radiating from him.

“Can we order pizza?”

“It’s not a camp out without pizza.”

He’s still distracted, still gripping my am like he can’t let go, but his eyes light up a bit. “I call dibs on picking the first movie!”

“You’ll have to be quick then,” We all start moving to the living room, away from the conversation with Renet. “I think it’s Don’s turn to—”

We all suddenly gasped in a breath, freezing in our tracks.

I’d been so preoccupied with—I hadn’t even thought of—

“Where is Donatello?” Splinter asks, keeping a composed face.  

“April’s.” Mikey pipes in quickly, long past not trying to be frantic. “He said they were working on some new formula or machine or something.”

I take a subtle breath trying to collect myself before calming the room . “Let’s not panic. Maybe he didn’t feel it like you guys did. Maybe you had to be in the room or something.” I’m not even convincing myself. “Otherwise he’d have tried to call one of us.”

I left my phone in the dojo when I went to confront Raph, so I look to my two younger brothers intently.

Mikey feels around himself. “I think I left mine in my room.”

We turn to Raph who has already reached for his phone, the screen blank and black. “I… turned it off before I left the lair.”

So I wouldn’t be able to call him, I’m sure. Not the time for that now.

We wait entirely impatiently as he turns it on, the screen lighting up and taking eons to load.

Thirty-two missed texts.

Seventeen missed calls.

“Oh god, Donnie…” Mikey whispers with worry engulfing his tone again. “He must think you’re…!”

Again, he doesn’t finish the sentence.

I no longer have patience enough to sit here and wait. “How long has it been since this all started?” Maybe I can catch him before he leaves Aprils.  

“Thirty minutes or so.” Sensei replies. He places a hand on my shoulder, reading my mind the way only he can do. “Let us give him a call first. He may already be on his way home.”

I don’t want to wait. I want to make sure he’s alright. But I feel guilty arguing with any of them after the night they’ve had, so I nod and turn back to Raph, hoping he’s already dialed.

He doesn’t even get the number punched in before there’s a loud, desperate, cry from the garage entrance.

“LEO!”

“Don, I’m here! I’m—”

He rounds the corner into view and my chest lurches at the sight of him. He looks haggard and exhausted, eyes red, cheeks stained with tears, and puffing like he’s just finished running a marathon. His eyes lock on mine immediately, shock and terror still plastered there for all to see.

“Leo!”

I think he meant to run to me, but his legs collapse beneath him as soon as he moves. I barely have time to stop him from unceremoniously crashing to the floor with my shoulder under his arm and my hand on his chest. “Whoa, Donnie, easy! Take a breath.”

“You’re here! You’re—”

He’s cut off by a sudden sob, and I can tell he’s been holding it in for a while. I should have thought to call him earlier. The way he’s looking at me with such pain… I can’t…

My arms grip him in a solid hug, both to hold him up and to let him know I’m really here. I won’t let go until he’s ready. Until he’s let his panic wash through him.

Sensei lets us have a moment before coming beside Don and placing a hand on his shell. “Your brother is alright, my son. It was not his loss you felt.”

Don’s clearly not convinced. He suddenly pulls from my grip, grabs my shoulders with both hands, and begins scanning every inch of me for injury. “What happened!? Why didn’t anyone answer their phone!? Was it something to do with wherever Raph ran off to tonight?”

“No, nothing like that.” I notice Raph flinch away at the accusation but remain quiet. Odd. Normally he’d opt for a more audibly defensive reaction. “I’m sorry, Don. It was—”

“Where are you hurt? What was it, a gun or a knife? What…” His voice trails off as his gaze falls to my stomach, staring the same way Mikey and Raph had earlier.

“It’s okay dude.” Mikey pipes in, maybe he noticed the same look. “It’s a crazy story, but it ends with Leo being okay. Well, our Leo…” His eyes fall a bit as Don blinks in confusion.

“Our Leo?”

“Let us have a seat.” Sensei ushers us into the living room, encouraging Don to take some more deep breaths before Mikey launches into a full explanation. It’s a lot to take in, but Don seems to follow with no trouble. He listens intently, his eyes flitting across all three of us, and always landing on me. I can tell he’s fluctuating through a gambit of emotions, but by the end of the tale there’s at least a small hint of relief.

Though not as much as I had hoped.

“That makes sense, I suppose.” He finally replies, his gaze landing on me for the umpteenth time. He sits in silence a moment before asking. “What happened to their Leo?”

Everyone’s eyes seem to find the floor at the same time. Not mine. I don’t mind saying it. Though I try to sound as delicate as I can, for their sakes. “He was shot during a mission. Apparently he didn’t make it.”

Again, Don does the same thing Mikey did, his eyes finding my stomach and staring.

I stand from the couch. “I am not him. I am perfectly fine. So I’m going to go order the pizza. You guys can get the beds set up.”

I leave as quick as I can without drawing attention, subtly avoiding Mikey on my way out so he doesn’t have a chance to glom onto my arm again.

I need a minute away from their looks of pain and fear.

I need a minute to breathe without them staring.

I need them to be okay again.

~*~*~*~*~*~

By the time I get back with pizza in hand (thanks to a very concerned April, who stayed behind in the kitchen to hear the explanation from Master Splinter) the living room is piled full with futon mattresses, mounds of pillows, and just about every blanket in the lair.

Mostly Mikey’s doing, I assume.

Don looks like he’s getting the TV set up, albeit with less dexterity than usual.

And Raph doesn’t look like he’s moved. At all. He’s just sitting there, staring at the floor again, shoulders hunched and fists tense. He looks like a rubber band about to snap. But it’s not anger tensing his muscles—I’ve seen that enough to know the difference—this looks more defeated. Guilty. And for the life of me, I can’t figure out why. Is he embarrassed about crying in front of me? Did the events of tonight make him feel bad about running off before hand?

I want to ask. Whatever weight has settled on his shoulders that’s holding him down like this, I want to take it. But I also don’t want to poke the bear, so I hold my questions for another time.

“Pizza’s here.” I announce, not at all excited to have their eyes back on me. Mikey doesn’t leap over furniture to nab the first slice and if that isn’t an indication of how down they still are, nothing is. “Movie ready?” They nod, but no one offers any further comment and shell I wish I could just snap them out of this. “Which one did you go with?”

“Iron Man. I like it when Don points out in detail the corrections needed to make Tony’s suit in real life.” Mikey says, more mechanically than anything else. No enthusiasm or mockery in his tone at all.

“Sounds like fun.” Patience. Give them time. They’ll forget about this and get back to normal soon. Let them process.

I sit in the middle of the couch, fully expecting Mikey to want to cuddle and Don to be close, if not touching. They do, sitting on either side of me, Mikey not hesitating to wrap around my arm and snuggle in.

Raph doesn’t move from his spot.

I can’t help a small sigh. Patience.

The movie starts and I send a silent prayer to the universe that this is enough of a distraction for them to return to some semblance of normal.

Please. Just wipe the pain away for a while.

But my pleas go unanswered. We’re fifteen minutes into the movie and not a single person has said a word. Don hasn’t corrected any of the science, as was promised, Mikey hasn’t laughed at a single quip, and Raph seems to have one eye on the movie and one on the ground, bouncing between the two. I know for a fact I’ve never watched a movie in total silence before. Not with my brothers around.

I glance around at all three of them, not even having to look close to see the pain and fear still wiggling along the lines in their faces.

I can’t take it anymore. I have to do something.

“Okay, enough.” I announce loudly, pausing the movie and standing to face them. “Clearly we need to talk about this. There has to be something I can do to make you all feel better.” They look away and it takes far too much effort than it should for me to keep from shouting.

My patience is quickly unravelling into maddening worry.

There’s a long pause before Mikey—probably sensing how out of my mind I’m getting—speaks up. “We’re just… scared. That feeling was so real. It really felt like… like you were gone.”

“I’m not.” That came out a bit too curtly. I try again, softer. “I’m right here. And I don’t plan on going anywhere. So stop looking at me like I’m dying.” They all flinch at the word. “Please.”

It takes a long minute, but Don speaks up this time. “It may not have been you, but it’s very much something you would do.”

“What do you mean?”

“Leo, can you name a single mission where you haven’t done something risky to keep us safe?”

“Yes.”

Even Raph checks in long enough to fix me with a dead pan stare on that one.

“It’s not every mission.” I qualify, because I don’t appreciate the assumption that all my missions fail at some point. “But I get your point. What of it?”

“I’m just saying,” Don continues, a little more assertive this time. “That what happened to that other Leo isn’t out of the ordinary or the possible for you. You’re just as protective, just as thoughtless of your own life when we’re involved. So seeing it happen to another you—”

“How do you know I—he—was protecting you—them.” This is starting to give me a headache.

Don pauses to glance at Mikey who pulls his head back, like he hadn’t considered that. “I… I don’t know. You were on a roof, and you were shot in your…”

They all stare at my stomach again and it’s all I can do to not sigh loud enough for them all to hear.

“I don’t know how I know, I just do.” Mikey says firmly. “I know it was awful, I know it hurt so much I wanted to die, and after feeling all that, I know that if it happens to you, I’m never going to---” His voice cracks as tears brim in his eyes and my heart drops instantly.

Don scoots over on the couch to pull Mikey into a half hug, his own face a half-masked mirror of the pain now dripping down our baby brother’s cheeks.

I don’t know what to say. We’ve had this conversation before—alternate dimensional families aside—and there’s nothing more I can say on the matter. They’re my little brothers. I’m the eldest. The leader. And if I have to jump in front of a bullet to keep them safe, then I’ll absolutely do it. No regrets. And hearing that it happened to another me somewhere out there in another world doesn’t change that.

If anything, it solidifies it.

But none of that is what they want to hear right now.

I slowly release the breath I’ve been holding, crouching in front of Mikey on the couch. “I’m sorry,” I keep my voice as level and soft as I can. “I’m sorry you all had to experience that. And I’m sorry I can’t make you feel better about it. Because you’re right, I absolutely would do what that Leo did if it meant keeping you safe. That’s my job, my top priority, and I don’t begrudge it even a little bit. I’m sure he didn’t either.”

Mikey chokes on another sob and Don gives me an annoyed you’re-not-helping look.

Get to the point, Leo.

“But right now I’m here.” I place a hand on Mikey’s shoulder to draw his attention. “I’m here, I’m safe, and I plan to continue to be for a very long time. Until we’re old and hobbled and Don has crazy white hair like Einstein and Raph’s idea of a workout is climbing the stairs to his room.”

He chokes out a surprised laugh as Don chuckles and I smile at the small victory.

“You promise you’ll be around that long?”

Mikey’s using his big puppy eyes because he knows I have troubles saying no to them.

But I don’t want to make empty promises just to make them feel better. “Mikey, I can’t promise. Bad things happen whether we want them to or not. Especially in our line of work. But you can’t live your life in fear. I’m constantly terrified that you’ll all get hurt on a mission, but that doesn’t make me keep you from going on them.” Once again Raph sends a glare my way, so I add a resigned “Mostly.”

“What I can promise,” I continue. “Is that I will do my best to keep myself safe. I will keep martyrdom and self-sacrifice as an absolute last resort option only.” They still don’t seem convinced, so I give Mikey’s hand a light squeeze and sigh before admitting. “Contrary to popular belief, I don’t want to leave you either. I’d miss my brothers. Even the loud angry one over there.”

“He means you, Don.” Mikey jokes and they both smile again.

Then Mikey slides off the couch and pulls himself against my chest, his arms wrapped tightly around my shell. I wasn’t expecting it, so it takes a moment for me to relax into the touch and let my arms fall around his shoulders. “We love you, Leo. So much.” He squeezes a bit tighter.

I don’t get a chance to reply before Don joins us on the floor, cloaking himself around my shoulders. I shift one arm to hug his shell as he says, “We’re so glad you’re still here.”

A smile creeps across my face, unbidden. I feel my brothers’ affection radiating like a heat wave. It’s immensely comforting, despite my distaste for this type of attention.

Only my brothers can make me feel this wonderful. This special. This necessary. I pull them in a little closer.

“I love you too, little brothers.” I look over to Raph, who is at least looking at us and not the floor. “All of you.” And his eyes fall away again.

One battle at a time.

Our group hug lasts a little longer than I’m used to, but I don’t dare break it. I don’t even want to imagine if I had felt one of them going…

Eventually we settle back on the couch and resume the movie. When Splinter and April join us, we’re half-way through, both Mike and Don chatting away as they usually would, and the world is finally feeling right again.

Mostly.

I peek in Raph’s direction to see him at least looking at the movie, if not really watching it.

As the night goes on, April heads home after a phone call from Casey (who had apparently been asleep and thought the whole thing was a crazy nightmare) and Sensei heads off to bed. He runs a hand fondly over my head on his way out, offering me a smile that just gushes relief and love. I send a silent smile back.

Around the time we start our third movie (Thor, since Mikey insisted we watch in order) we’ve shifted to laying on the mattresses and pillows. Mikey promptly falls asleep laying across my lap like a cat. Not the most comfortable position for me propped up on some pillows, but I’m not going to complain. Don follows suit shortly after, leaning against my left arm with his head on my shoulder and his hand on my wrist, like he’d been keeping track of my pulse. Only one brother remains, and he still hasn’t moved from his spot on the couch.

Now’s my chance, I suppose. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“No.”

His body language affirms his response, his arms folding tighter and his shoulders hunching higher. I want to let it go, let him work through it however he wants, but I can’t get the image of him crying in the dojo out of my mind. There has to be something I can do. There has to.

So I walk into the lions den.

“I’m sorry… that you had to go through all—”

“I said, I don’t wanna talk about it.”

“Okay.” I give it a moment. “You know I won’t tell anyone about—”

“Dammit Leo!” He stands, his hands already curled into fists and anger rippling through his shoulders. “I don’t wanna talk about—”

“Okay!” I use a forced whisper and gesture with my free hand at our two sleeping siblings before giving him the ‘shh’ finger. “I just think it would be healthy to discuss it now rather than later. But if you’d prefer to brood, then go ahead. Just be quiet about it.”

He doesn’t sit back down.

The movie continues and I do my best to at least look like I’m staring at the TV and not Raph. He’s moved beside the couch so I can’t see him in my periphery now, but I can still feel his tension looming. Can almost hear his muscles tensing.

I should back off. I’m clearly not helping. But he hasn’t stormed off yet. If he really didn’t want to talk, he’d have stomped off to his room, knowing I can’t move with our brothers asleep on top of me.

Maybe just one more poke.

“If you won’t talk to me, you should at least talk to Sensei—”

“For the love of— I don’t want to talk about it! Ever! I don’t want to relive it, okay!? Not with you, not with Sensei, not with anyone!”

“Okay.” His defensiveness is different. Less angry and more fearful. And there’s that underlying current of something again. Guilt, maybe? “But—"

“What!?” He interrupts, probably expecting me to lecture.

“Just… I’m here. If you need to talk or vent or anything… I’m here.”

I shift enough so I can partially see his face and it’s pale, like he’s seen a ghost. His eyes go wide, his hands clench tight, and he looks like he wants to run screaming from the room.

Oh shell, is it happening again!?

Before I can ask, he closes his eyes, grits his teeth, and snarls in a long breath, turning away so I can only see his shell. “Still here…”

A long stretch of silence follows. I don’t dare speak. I can see his fists trembling ever so slightly.

“It’s what you said…” He finally says, his voice rough and jagged, almost quaking like his hands. “What he said to me—the other me—before he…”

I want to ask the obvious question, but I wait, almost holding my breath while silently wishing to calm his.

“It was my fault.”

His voice is so small, guilt like a tidal wave almost drowning it out.

“I could only get pieces of it, but I saw… You were protecting me. You—he—got shot protecting me—the other me.” He rubs a hand down his face in frustration before sighing roughly. Sadly. “It was my fault. And I…”

He finally turns to face me, his eyes finding my stomach and staring intently. His face is laden with pain and fear and heartache, just like it was in the dojo earlier.

Oh Raph.

“You protectin’ me when I didn’t ask for it is nothing new.” He continues, slowly, deliberately. It’s clearly taking effort to get his emotions in check. “But I never… I never thought you’d… because of me… I never… I mean what if it had happened tonight? What if you following me got you…” He turns his back to me again. “The guilt and the pain, I felt it all through him. The other me. I felt it… and I know, I couldn’t live with myself if—"

His voice cracks and it takes every ounce of control I have not to wiggle out from Mike and Don and run over to him.

He’d probably hate that anyway.

Silence settles over the room.

I can feel Raph from here, feel his fear radiating out. He’s really scared. For me. My stubborn, angry, closed off younger brother, was crying in the dojo because he’d thought he’d lost me. And he thought it was his fault.

“I’m sorry.” I face forward again, distracting myself with the movie as I speak. “I’m sorry I do that. Play martyr, I mean. Jump in front of danger.”

He scoffs. “No you’re not.”

“I am. Not for being protective,” I think I’ve made that very clear. “But for not thinking about how much my choices would affect you all. I guess… I guess I sometimes…” I pause, not really wanting to admit to this at all. But he’s had to be open with me today, seems only fair to return the favor. “I sometimes forget that you all care about me as much as I do you.”

I can’t see his face, but I hear the sharp inhale he takes. He’s either angry, shocked, or both.

Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything. “I’m not trying to point fingers or say you don’t show it. I know you all care. It’s just… I spend so much time playing leader with you all—making sure Mikey trains, making sure Don sleeps, making sure you don’t run off—that I sometimes forget that I’m also a brother. That you guys want me for more than just leadership.” Even now that voice of doubt wants to creep in.

“Leo…” Mikey whispers in his sleep, almost on cue, as he shifts in my lap. I put a hand to his shell to help settle him, let his subconscious know I’m still here. The movement prompts Don’s hand to squeeze mine tighter while still lost to slumber. The way they both cling to me now, the way they looked at me before…

I can’t believe I ever doubted.

“I have no desire to die, Raph. Not anytime soon, anyway. I’d be too afraid of being without you all. I…” The day must be getting to me, because I feel tears welling in my eyes that I quickly pat down. “I really am nothing without my brothers. I’d miss you… all of you. Desperately.” I don’t know if I said that loud enough for him to hear. But it felt good to say it out loud.

Raph is silent.

I turn to find the space where he stood now empty. He must have had enough and gone to bed. Can’t say I blame him. I hope he’s okay… I hope some of what I said got through.

I just want him to be—

Suddenly something removes the pillows from behind me and presses against my shell. I turn enough to see Raph’s bandana tails on my shoulder as he sits shell to shell with me on the mattress.

It takes a long moment for him to speak. And when he does, it’s soft and quiet. Like he’s hoping I won’t hear it. “We’d miss you, too. You. Not your leadership or whatever… you. We need you, Leo.”

I take a moment to let that sink in, my shoulders releasing some of their tension.

Raph abruptly raps the back of his head against mine, his voice back to it’s usual gruff gravel. “If you think we’d be okay without you, you’re an idiot.”

“You’d manage.”

“We’d hate it.”

“I know.”

Another long silence follows, and I can feel Raph relaxing more and more against my shell. I lean into the contact.

Glancing down at Mikey and over to Don, a smile tugs at my lips as I feel a warmth spread readily through my chest. Pragmatic as I am, I’m not always one to see the positives in a situation (I look to Mikey for that), but I will never not be grateful for the family I’ve been blessed with. For my brothers. They can be annoying, mean, and a downright pain in the shell, but they are truly the greatest gift I’ve been given.

I love them more than I know how to say.

And moments like this, moments when I see they love me just as much, are the moments I feel most unworthy. Most grateful.

I lean my head back to rest on Raph’s, one hand on Mikey’s shell and one held by Don, and I breathe deep, my smile growing wider as I close my eyes to everything else.

“We’re glad you’re still here.”

“Me too, guys. Me too…”

~*~*~*~*~*~

Previous

Ze End. Hopefully. I’ve said that before with this story and it continued for 17 chapters and 2 epilogues. Ha.

Thank you to all who have stayed with this story, and especially those who comment (few though you may be). I’ve very much needed your kind words to get through these last few years.

Here’s hoping the next story is easier. And maybe less angsty?

End of Line.

-TRAaP

[inconsideratekidney]

10/9/24

hey guys,

something's wrong with my computer. it can barely run all my chrome tabs anymore like it used to. it still functions i suppose, but its very slow and doesn't charge with this one charger i have--my backup charger. i bring this one around so i don't have to bring my big one. the big one that is like my only dependable charger apparently. this backup charger works on my phone and my tablet, but my laptop just won't accept it as a charger for whatever reason. it's super cool and lights up when it's plugged into a power source. it's got 3 different offshoots for usb-c, lightning cable, and something else idk what it's called but it's like an hdmi-shaped version of the lightning cable sized one. anyway, who cares about all that. my laptop has not turned on while the cable is plugged in and it pisses me off so much. i wish my laptop would finally explode like it wants to so i can get a new one.

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im not really sure what kind of audience is actually reading my blogs. i know most don't keep up, cuz its a blog and no one wants to read about someones personal life go on and on, but it is very therapeutic for me. i honestly dgaf who reads it or doesn't. just that i have a place to put my thoughts. i would love feedback or any kind of response literally, like idc what, i like to have conversations with ppl so if u want to go ahead. ill try to stop asking, but i feel like ppl don't feel right doing it or are straight up just not reading any of this. who knows. womp womp.

speaking of which, the things i write about are the kinds of topics i want to talk about with ppl, but are the ones that ppl dont stay on for too long. what i mean to say is that i can bring something up and not have the time to say it all, or the interest of the other person to listen; wait; then let me finish my thoughts, and then actually want a response from them. i often find myself wanting someone to just listen to me go on and on, and most ppl can't stand that or can't stay on the same topic i want to talk about. if i ever do find myself with someone who will let me talk, i'm so conditioned to change the subject for fear that i'm bothering them and sub-consciously/consciously change the subject so i don't lose ppl in conversation.

i had no idea how to recruit "fans" or whatever lol. i had no idea who really wanted to read these blogs. i just find them fun--i'd like to think i'm funny sometimes and that people enjoy what i have to say, so that they can read into what i'm thinking about on their own time. i don't have to bother people with my existence in a conversation back and forth if they don't want to. if you can't stand my writing u can just click away. it's not a big deal. my whole thing is that if you really did want to respond, i'd be down to have a chat with you. i feel satisfied after getting this all out that i can decide to respond or not once i'm done because i've already gotten my thoughts out without being interrupted. you don't watch me type or see my edits, you only see the final product and that puts me at ease a bit. when i speak out loud, i typically say everything i'm thinking or not enough. often i say the wrong thing and people are quick to jump in and ask for clarification or even correct me. i'm not finished. many ppl aren't patient anymore and it's frustrating when my brain doesn't function the way most peoples brains do.

i think of something, then i think "why the hell did that pop into my head? what on earth is this related to?" trick question--its never related to anything most times. my brain just picks up on slight things in my environment and misconstrues them as something relevant to some memory and brings one up, or comes up with something new. i'd assume most people think like that. i just don't know how to explain that to ppl in conversation when were talking about one thing, or we're not talking at all and i just bring something up. that's when it makes sense to me. typically i think of everything at once so it's all relevant to me.

i like this shark. going in circles endlessly in one small space. he knows he can't go anywhere, but maybe he likes it. it's safe, reliable, and cushiony. i put the shark here for our entertainment, but i wont release him (cuz i will forget) but he shall remain happy or maybe he's hitting his head against the walls, thinking "when will she stop yapping" idk.

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im sweating like a madwoman. make it stoppppp. i was trying to experiment by not wearing deodorant/antiperspirant to see if it was all in my head and it is not. it's quite real and i hate it. i hate sweating so much. i don't sweat in my hands or back. just my armpits and private bits (it's really just my thighs lol). i wanna lose weight tbh. i hate my thighs rubbing together, it hurts when i'm wearing shorts and they just slide up and chafe. ugh i get so uncomfortable thinking about it. also my body just gets hot. it's just so annoying. i feel like this hyperhydrosis condition really spiked when i entered college. that's when i really noticed it first a least. my mom has it and i've been trying all different deodorants and antiperspirants with her, but i still sweat regardless. i think she said some work for her for a bit, but then don't again. i think lumē worked for her but just smells weird. who knows. maybe i'll try mens deodorant or antiperspirant. i don't want to throw out my current one cuz yk, money, but it ain't working...

idkkkkk.

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in the time i've written this, the charger still isn't working and even when i hold down the power button there's no response from my conputer to even tell me it's dead. i'm concerned but still couldn't care less. its not fanning bc i let it stop before it turned off. i think it just died and this charger isn't working. i sure hope it works when i get home tho. fuck this shit.

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this body positivity movement related to hair on women is progressing more i think. i haven't researched it or anything, but i notice more ppl than i did before who seem female presenting or have feminine features to have body hair and i love to see it. it's still very scarce, but this is only one place in the world. ofc my hometown there's like no one and my mother makes fun of me all the damn time, so i never forget it. i just wish it didn't look so bad. like i don't care about it cosmetically in the sense that women shouldn't have it cuz it looks bad or cuz its not feminine, but i just don't think it ever matches my outfits. it pisses me off kinda. i don't feel like i give off hairy vibes. maybe i do. those aren't the vibes i wanna put out there. but see in that mindset, i'm stereotyping myself and still have the same schema. "what they're wearing is weird that doesn't match what i assume their style is!" type shit. i don't enjoy this mindset and it comes along with other stereotypical, generalizing mindsets i still have from growing up and am still trying to eradicate, but dang its hard.

i also study peoples behavior and people watch to learn and copy whats socially acceptable. so believe me when i say, it's fucking hard having hairy legs when it's still not common everywhere i go. it's kind of a fucking nightmare sometimes. and i know i sound like "oh, woe is me!" and sometimes i do feel like that, but its because i don't see enough representation--thats another reason why i do it. my real reason is that i don't care to keep up with shaving and i don't want to do it bc i feel like i have to. i don't feel like i want to, so i just don't. if one day i wake up and feel like shaving, then damnit i will. but i don't need anyone's approval or advice on it. i'm angry bc of what my mother says to me, so this is mainly directed towards the comments she's made, and my father, hell, both of em. i'm not taking this outta thin air. there are ppl attacking me, it's my family...

that's the funny thing. i haven't gotten any backlash from a single other person. funny... if they keep it to themselves, wonderful! i honestly don't care what they think, but do care that they are being considerate.

anyshways, thats why i don't love socks that pull on the hair and why i feel awkward in tank tops and short shirts cuz i still haven't gotten over the socially different part yet. this is revolutionizing for me even if it isn't for anyone else.

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if you actually read everything so far, you're cool, but if you're at the end and readin this, you're still cool but u just don't know what i said. i'll sum it up for you-

tdlr (i hate myself):

- computer bout to shit itself

- i have social anxiety and am a clinical yapper

- computer still boutta die

- ahh scary! hair on woman!!

youre here now.

yipee!!

i'll try to post Tuesdays through Thursdays i have decided. try to check then if u can....

love yall,

kD :p