inconsideratekidney

[inconsideratekidney]

11/20/24

goooooood mornin',

i am feeling good today in general. i've been feeling better ever since i got dressed. i put pants on that i haven't worn in like 3 weeks and reached into my pocket and found my airpods! i am very happy. they are charging up now and i am so ready to go back to wireless listening.... the wired ones were good and all, reliable and didn't need to be charged, but man i missed not having a wire in the way of literally everything i do. the microphone on the wired ones is 100% better tho.... i was struggling to sign while wearing them connected to my laptop, but the mic was just so much better than my airpods. oh shwell. i need new headphones, i should've asked for christmas, but i said i didn't want anything like usual. i want a new laptop and a new pair of headphones.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

should i buy the sims 3? genuine question... i hear it's the best of the series for its open world concept, its general relationships, family, and the wants are actually context based and not random. the sims 4 is lovely and is by far the most aesthetic or pleasing to look at version of sims and of worlds. the building is also the best out of all 4. i like my sims 4, so i think i will obviously keep it, but will always be curious about playing the older versions, especially when so many ppl think its the best one *shrug*.

also the fact that the sims 2 has turn-ons and turn-offs is absolutely hilarious to me. so funny. and like star signs... im dead.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

how is that mighty fine air of ours. it's so airy and full of air. honestly i always forget it exists, it really does just sit there. i love the air. it's so mysterious and gets loud all of a sudden and then dissipates. so cool. i guess that's more the wind, but i love both.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

it's been 6 months since my uncle passed and 3 years since my friend from hs took his life.....times are weird. i don't feel much about it, which feels wrong, only because it was my uncle and i was closest with him. i guess i just don't like to think about things that make me upset! crazy... i was thinking about it tho during class yesterday. i totally blanked out and stared into the computer screen in front of me for about 3 minutes. that was weird...

i'm nervous to go home for thanksgiving. so many things happening..... hopefully my family is happy, but i know it'll be weird without my uncle. very weird.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

my uncle was 56 years old, wasn't married before passing, and never had any kids. he had a lovely girlfriend, so many friends and loved ones, and had many pets in his life. he was always a class clown, in school and after graduating when working as a teacher. everyone who knew him loved him. he was loud and opinionated and loved to make jokes and get people laughing. he was fun to be around because he always wanted to do something, he goofed around and would occasionally make fun of you...but you still enjoyed it...most of the time. he loved people with all of his heart and wanted the best for anyone and everyone around him.

his heart may have been the very thing that worked very hard in his life, maybe too hard. along with all of the fun times being the life of the party, he drank and smoke heavily throughout his life. he had heart problems that he didn't tell anyone about. he would work hard and do things for others, but silently suffer through them. we wouldn't have known that he was suffering as much as he did if he didn't want to burden us and bring attention to himself. in some ways, you could still argue it was a bit selfish how we all care for each other and he didn't let us know, so now we have to deal with the outcome of it. there are many perspectives, but this one is one of the harshest and realest. i won't go into the harshest one, because it's something i don't like to condemn him of, and he doesn't deserve that right now.

whatever actually happened specifically, we don't know, so there's also no reason to beat ourselves up over not knowing. i know my family struggles with that... anyway, i miss him and hope to see him in heaven one day. may God rest his soul.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i don't mean to be so depressing, but it's my real life and i feel like it's important to talk about. i will be there for my loved ones and make sure to pay attention to people even when they piss me off. i hope everyone is doing alright and that i don't miss too many signs of depression or the like in any of my friends and close ones. i know my family's depressed rn so *shrug*.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i may end it here for lack of anything better or more to say lol. i wish to get on a more tuesday tuesday tuesday schedule, but life happens and i forgert.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

hope everyone has a lovely day and see you all next time on the inconsideratekidney show...

i hated that..

ok bye :p

kD ⭐

[inconsideratekidney]

[inconsideratekidney]

songs stuck in my head!!!

Phantogram - Black Out Days

ROSÉ & Bruno Mars - APT.

Sabrina Carpenter - Good Graces

Kesha - C'mon

Black Eyed Peas & El Alfa - TONIGHT

SWV - Right Here (Human Nature Radio Mix)

Key Glock - Let's Go

Mac Miller & Empire of the Sun - The Spins

Manu Chao - Me Gustas Tú

PnB Rock:

- ft. Lil Yachty: iRun

- Rewind

- Nowadays

- ABCD

- ft. a boogie wit da hoodie: Lovin'

- Feelins

- ft. YFN Lucci: There She Goes

- iann dior ft. PnB Rock :romance361

Doja Cat ft. Konshens - Wine Pon You

White Reaper - Might Be Right

Drake - Trust Issues

Sonta - Crazy over You

Hamilton:

- Thr Schuyler Sisters

- Helpless

- Satisfied

- Wait For It

- Non-stop

these are all super good. you should listen to them....

goodnaurght,

kD >_<

[inconsideratekidney]

11/12/24

hey y'all,

how is it hanging? it's hanging well for me. as of rn.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

so many eyes in this world. so many always looking. to think of the psychology of your eyes, they are your information recruits. being a sighted person, you are constantly searching for clues and pieces in your visual field to put together this crazy puzzle we call life. mine seem to work in overdrive and all the time. i am sick of using my eyes. i'd like to take a damn break every so often, but they are always picking up every single aspect of my environment and i can't get them to stop or the bugs yell at me.

if i am comfortable in my environment, i've noticed it calms down, but that can take a while or the right people or environment. it's either the adhd or anxiety or something that makes me act up when there are a lot of people around and it makes me feel like i have to survey the room and take everything in. it's a habit that ruins my way of existing on a populated campus. i love when places aren't full and busy, when i can sit down in a coffee shop almost alone or when there's no one in the bathroom.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i dont wanna be done with college. i feel like since i'm considering not pursuing my second major anymore, i could have one less year here :( its so funny that all through high school i couldn't wait for it to be over as well. in the process i want to be done with something, but i enjoy the routine. while school is so difficult, i love having roommates and friends right next door. it's crazy to think how much i've taken all of this for granted. i do take notice of everything and i appreciate everything, but now that i'm nearing the end of my 2.5 years here, its kinda wild to think that i only have 1.5 years left. all of a sudden i'm feeling so nostalgic, but just like they did in inside out 2, we gotta push that shit down for now. it's not time yet!!!! oy va voy.

next semester i might get a car and wont have these terribly frigid walks home anymore or complain of the bus system. that is, if i pay for campus parking. i won't have to borrow anyone's car anymore or feel nervy every time i drive because it's the first time i've driven in over a week. it would be kinda nice.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

every time something pops up up my brain, i think about it and it changes my track of focus. normal right? i forget what i was thinking about. consequently, i often forget things later on bc i lost them before even writing them down. this happens all the time and it's pretty typical for me. but what i never understand is that looming fear that i'm always forgetting something like super important. like what if i was supposed to be pursuing some hobby or mindset and i totally forgot about it. i have so many worried thoughts like this that wrack my brain. it's different than the usual "oh i forgot my headphones at home," it's more like "wait, i wanted to be more positive," "i wanted to stop cracking my knuckles," "where did that motivation go that i had an hour ago? i swear i'm into this task i'm doing aren't i?" "when did i say i wanted to finish this by? okay and then i have to really focus on something else, but i wanted to try to hyperfocus on this? no, it was the other thing...what other thing? wait, no. i thought i remembered...i can't tell if it was important or not, it sure feels important. i won't know until something big changes and i'm not ready...oh well." that kind of fear. the kind that i have no idea how to distinguish between losing something physical or leaving something behind at home.

i hate when people say to imagine yourself in a field, or hide your intrusive thoughts or thoughts you don't need to deal with in this vault, that cannot be broken, behind this painting on this wall. like, no i cannot i'm sorry. my brain knows there's no vault, no field. how will my thoughts stay in there? no they won't. i am certain that they will roam free and forget that they were supposed to "be in a box" hell i can't even remember what intrusive thoughts are until they recur constantly and affect me later on anyway, so how could i put them aside now? once they affect me they literally take control of me and i literally cannot get my brain to change its course so i just embrace it. i've had a lot of experience trying to embrace every thought that comes into my mind. i'm curious what other people think on this tbh, but for the most part i truly believe i should own every thought i have. when i have uncomfortable or intrusive thoughts, that's typically when i look up how to get rid of them and people are like, "it's normal, you don't have to acknowledge every thought that passes through your mind." and i'm like, yes. yes, i do. i wish i didn't, but when i ignore them they rise up and eat me alive. so, yeah -_-

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

honestly i need to go to sleep, it's too late. i keep going to sleep at 1am and i never used to do that. the existential crises need to stop. i'm losing sleep and fucking up my times i go to sleep. i'm also fucking losing my mind every day from homework and a lack of free will. why can't i get a degree without doing any work, hmmmmmmm?? it's no fair. i want two degrees, but i barely can make enough effort for one. honestly, my whole major is questionable rn. idek why i'm doing what i'm doing. it's all unintelligible gibberish and sillyness in my brain. it's also the headaches that have really been pushing me over the edge lately. i think i'm going to go to sleep now, i'm doing it again. i've been pushing 2am recently, ugh.

goodnight, love y'all,

kD x(

[inconsideratekidney]

11/8/24

hey y'all

what the fuck. um. yeah, what the fuck.

what are y'all's plans for the next 4 years?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i truly hate when professors ask basic questions like we're in elementary school. why are you babying me before you treat me like a well-respected researcher?? we're asked a dumb easy question, dumber than what we should already know, then we're asked to do something way out of our experience and what we should be expected to know.

this happens to me in multiple classes and i'm still so shocked

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

today is friday i know, but i have been catching up on a lot of work things n such. i have also finally had time to sit down and play the sims, on my laptop and tablet, and i feel more calm now. my grades have finally improved (not that i've bumped up some of those failing grades bc my prof hates everyone and doesn't allow resubmissions), but we still have like 4 weeks, so i just have to keep it up now. i'm feeling better, and would like to continue to do better.

picking classes for next semester feels like a doozy, i'm dropping one of my majors to make it a minor and that means i'll graduate next next spring? ew. gross. i have to fix that or something.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i created some of my friends in the sims and myself, all in my eyes of course. i didn't want to do it based on pictures, i just did it from memory. i made everyone based on how i see them and myself as how i want to see myself...they came out pretty good, i want to keep going making more, but so far i made people i know the best. we'll see where i end up. i might just end up making a house full of interpreters....lol

i have so many ideas for what to build--i focus more on building, but creating sims is fun as well, just not my most favorite--i want to build so many complex things, but it's so hard to start and my computer can barely handle it.

i'd love some ideas for what to build, for example, right now i am planning on making a house that technically has one room, but has split levels. i've seen youtube shorts on them and i've pasted the video below if you're interested, but they are so interesting even if every video i see they always forget a bathroom. i love doing challenges as well, like the plumbella challenge, and there's another one similar. they generate random style, color, theme, etc. and give you rules and a specific amount of money you can use. you also always get one setback, like you can't use cheats, or you can only use certain items from one pack or just base game, or that you have to do it only from birds' eye view... they are all so fun. i also want to finish making my mansion i am currently working on. it's so big and it's so hard to fill every space...

i also wanted to build a beach house, one of the videos i've also linked below, based on a reference i saw. it reminds me of where my family goes on vacation--those big beach houses we never stayed in cuz they're so god awfully expensive. they are so cool to look up on zillow or other rental websites. like big dream homes. i'd love to build a beach home eventually.

videos:

micro apartment 1:

https://youtube.com/shorts/RlauAXoxtls?si=DKH1FTDpkCid3Gv5

micro apartment 2:

https://youtube.com/shorts/kbdseYjig4s?si=Z-mbMA1OrnbwFdo7

coastal house:

https://youtube.com/shorts/VKC0h-6sSeI?si=LpiDh13v2yj1jbC5

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i type "i" way too much. all i do is talk about myself and reflect on myself and how much i talk. obviously, this is my blog, but i always feel that i overshare and should shift my attention to more pressing matters. alas, i am in my existential identity stage of life--early adulthood, so i don't feel all too bad. and for the possible 3 or 4 of you reading, i'm sure you're used to this and you're still choosing to come back, so i can ease my anxiety on that one. i still talk about myself in general way too much. i harp on this because i know other people are experiencing life for the first time as well--i'd love to let others have thr spotlight whenever possible. although, i do take way longer to process my life happenings than most it seems, so i prefer to process in my own way. i enjoy having a platform to share my insanities on. i do still get sick of myself, though.

anyway, my point is anxiety ruins my life and it affects me everyday whether it is desired or not. (see what i did there i eliminated every possible "i" i could have used in that sentence and then i used many "i"'s in this sentence cuz i like being self-aware and illuminating my hyper fixations like the freak i am.)

it is also apparent that reading can be much more enjoyable when the author isn't constantly saying "i did this" or "i did that." sentences and ideas can be easily digested by using the third person, or even an unidentifiable "it." when something happens and you mess up and want to apologize, what do you say?:

"I'm sorry I upset you."

or "I'm sorry you are upset."

one is more self-aware and puts the blame on oneself, but isn't the other as well? regardless of what one person does, the other could be upset by that specifically or not. you could alternatively say:

"I'm sorry what I said/did upset you."

or even "I'm sorry you are upset because of my actions."

which sounds better? which is most "correct"? which one feels more authentic?

i experienced this first when my mother told me i had to say "I'm sorry I upset you." it pissed me off because i didn't do anything crazy (in my eyes) and she still got upset, but in those situations, you have to do what your mother says even if her asking you to reword and acknowledge you upset her upsets you in the process...

see what i did there again? i used "you," i love writing. oftentimes i still use "i" because it is the most accurate statement. why else would i do it? i could sit and write more and more about things that happen and affect me, but not using "i" defeats the purpose. you could think i am talking about something else totally different. it's more short and concise. why say many word when few word do trick, amirite? and with that this section is concluded with the idea that my emphasis on myself is the whole reason i sit down and write a blog. (ew, not me starting with "and" writing about something trying to be more formal. ew.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

lol. lol is the best word for my life. it's the easiest thing to use. so simple, when there aren't emoji options -> lol, when the setting is uncomfortable -> lol, when i don't know how to end a sentence without a period -> lol, when i want to appear less rude or direct -> lol, when i don't feel like you can tell i'm making a funny -> lol, when you're making a funny -> lol. it's simple.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

anyshways, how is everyone's day going, how was your week?

this week had some things happen...but first trans woman for the house!! yipee!! i hadn't heard much else so far tbh.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i almost didn't post this blog again, but since i started it and really did a good chunk of it, i have to post it now. i'm still behind on my work and am scared for the weekend tbh. i have to do a revision of my draft paper and send it to my prof who won't change the grade, but will give me feedback before the final paper is due....yipee...so generous of her.... i stg everyone almost failed or actually failed the midterm and did poorly on the draft paper as well. she just doesn't give a shit. no extra credit offered, no resubmissions, virtually no support for any of us failing. -_-

i hope to pass this class with a decent enough grade, but mainly just to pass the class is my goal.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

it's late, but i want to play the sims again. it's so much fun and i love it. it's truly a game i keep coming back to bc of all the different aspects of it. i hope if i get a new computer it doesn't reset my data... cuz it's different on every computer i'm pretty sure. it's different if it's on steam compared to just my computer, so i'm nervous. i could download all of the sims i made and all houses i've made, but i want the progress of this one family i have.....oofie, we'll see. i'll look it up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

tldr:

wtf

basic questions

picking classes

sims and building

grammar and creative writing

lol

how are you?

annoying prof

sims!!

anywho, goodnight and toodaloohoo,

kD :p

[inconsideratekidney]

11/3/24

holy guacamole. it's been a while.

here's something from one day i wrote about:

10/28/24:

i've spent so much time trying to act like i'm someone else. i want to have everyone else's styles instead of trying to embrace whatever i am. i need to just enjoy others' styles instead of wishing and yearning to be someone cooler, more nonchalant, stylish, confident, and put-together. i need to start saying that i like someone's outfit not because i wish i looked like them, but because i really enjoy their style and presence and wish for them to know they are appreciated even if it doesn't change the way they feel, just so that i can say to myself that i liked their outfit and am not envious of how they are confident and accomplished at embracing themselves.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

growing up i always wished i was born asian or born into an asian family. i suppose having a japanese best friend whose house was really clean and family was super nice and house was cool and had 3 floors including a basement and really good snacks all the time made me want an asian family. i also assumed every japanese household was like that. i think i just wish my family was like that. who knows what my friend's family was like behind closed doors but my friend and her sister always listened to their mom and seemed to have a lot of respect for their chores and anything their mom asked. definitely not something i did....i was a good kid, i just never was able to do my chores. i also never had friends over bc we were embarrassed of our apartment when i was growing up. my mom was embarrassed and i aligned with that opinion since she wasn't happy with me having ppl over. she wouldn't let me, lets be honest, that's why i thought i didn't like it. i loved that apartment and all of its quirks, but she disliked it. so i disliked it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

having my own room across the hallway from my parents and my own bathroom is awesome. i definitely needed it for high school. in our old apartment, we only had one bathroom, one floor albeit, and i was content with that. i definitely needed my own bathroom and my own space away from my parents in high school, though. a door to slam, a bathroom to cry in at midnight, a bed to cry in at midnight far away from my parents, and a desk. for the love of all things i needed a desk in my own room that i didn't have to walk all the way through my parents' bedroom or through a living and dining room to get to. i also didn't have to put my phone away at 10PM in a separate room like i did in middle school. that was a huge perk. i could use my phone all night if i wanted to! it was my free will! i never have and don't think i ever will, though--use my phone all night or pull an all-nighter altogether.

i was close to pulling an all-nighter in first year of college, but i went to sleep at 6AM against what people advised me not to do. i turned out fine. had a shitty next day sleep-wise, but it was fiiine.

i guess i did technically pull an all-nighter in Greece, though, because of being jet-lagged. however, i don't count that since i napped and was in a different country with a time difference. it was not on purpose is my point, or wasn't my choice to say the least. we had to keep moving and make dinner reservations for crying out loud. my mother would not let us miss a reservation.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i overheard a conversation on the bus [the other day]. one comment a girl made got me thinking about my own scholastic career--she was saying how as a third year honor student she feels kinda iffy or bad about not having joined any school organizations yet. i said to myself, i haven't either as a third year student, is that required for honors students or is she just saying that in general? i had no idea but it made me think of all the things i wish i would have accomplished by now. makes me wonder if ill feel like i succeeded at all of my goals for these 5 years.

looking back on this bit that i wrote last week, i have since decided that i will switch my second major to a minor because man this shit is hard. i don't care enough about research to pursue it that diligently. i would much rather have a minor where i can do all of the fun stuff and people can see that i have a minor in psychology and say, "oh, okay, she's cool, she's into psychology, but she doesn't have a degree so we can't expect her to do research as profusely." exactly what i want. i want a lower expectation or none at all. i do enjoy psychology, but it isn't really working out mental-wise or time-wise for that matter. i am going bonkers each and every day and i truly cannot waste my time like this for longer if i want to stay sane and also get my degree. i don't particularly know anyone who does stay sane throughout their entire scholastic career, though. it's a wonder.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

hopefully i can be reevaluated for my ADD and actually figure out some resources within my own mind to help mitigate and manage my anxiety and racing thoughts. hopefully i will get to talk to a therapist and stop yapping the yap on here. i do enjoy writing very much, so i hope this is not eliminated. therapy isn't consistent and also won't cure me, so hold your horses cuz i'll still be here.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i am so eepy. i felt bad for not posting this week because i really wanted to write this whole time, but i had wanted to finish all my late work and regular work before posting, but i still haven't finished my late work and it's sunday and i wanted to post this past week, so here you all go. it's not perfect and it's 5 days late. oopsies...but i am posting now because i enjoy it and wanted to give myself a little redo. i will do better this week, not because i have to, but because i want to. and you should too. all of y'all struggling like me, you got this and will continue to got this. we're all in this together. say it with me. okay now get to shleeping or waking up and getting your day going whenever you are reading this.

love you all,

goodnight,

kD ,':{> (mustache and eyebrows from when i was the lorax for halloween)

[inconsideratekidney]

song time!

recently been listening to:

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

kevin abstract:

- empty

- madonna

- georgia

megan thee stallion - cognac queen

christine and the queens - full of life

charli xcx:

- apple

- 360

artemas - dirty little secret

darci - wild horse

the national - i need my girl

wet leg - wet dream

jordan adetunji - kehlani

dominike fike - mama's boy

aurora - runaway

rema & selena gomez - calm down

white town - your woman

kep1er - shooting star

chuu - strawberry rush

cannons - fire for you

chillhop record label - (bunch....cant list them all)

calvin harris ft. frank ocean - slide

daisy the great & ajr - record player

alt-j - adeline

yaelokre - harpy hare

these are on repeatttt lately.

that's all for now..enjoy....

kD xD

[inconsideratekidney]

10/22/24

good evening y'all,

question (/hot take?): do you prefer toaster ovens or air fryers?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i'm curious why people put stickers on poles and other public structures. why do they waste good stickers on public spaces? sure i don't want a furry sticker or an anime one, but someone does, so why do people throw them up everywhere? i'd say keep them if you bought them! i know some are advertisements, but i see the same furry wolf sticker every week and do not need to see it. if you like it, keep it or advertise it on your own belongings, not on a public space.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

can you get along with someone who is very similar to you? do you just get someone that is very similar to you or do you clash and butt heads often? for me it depends on the person and the differences (wow, no shit!) but like seriously, yeah.. if our differences are that we both share the same trait, but in different ways, then yeah we're bound to actually be more different, but when we both have the same personality and humor is works out nicely. it's either water and oil or bread and butter. now i want some bread and butter, ooooh, no i want garlic bread.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

how does one achieve that tomboy aesthetic, while also maintaining femininity? i've had this problem since elementary school, believe it or not. i can't tell if people think i have it all together fashion-wise cuz i don't. i often see people wear similar things every day and have a general style--even if that style is extraordinary and extravagant or if they're gender fluid--i still see somewhat of a pattern, but what do they think in their heads? i'm constantly annoyed when a fit doesn't eat and also isn't comfy. it irks me that a fit is just mid and plain and stupid. when i put effort into it and it just looks like i did nothing or like i cant match a style to my body type. i still don't know what my body type is and what style would look best.

i did actually find myself recently thinking of friends and others i see on a regular basis and what clothing i would put them in or what i think would look best on them and it's honestly so much fun, until i can't focus on it for very long. i cannot daydream or fantasize on purpose which is rough when i actually have cool ideas. i wish my brain let me focus on one thing, then i'd have more to write about in this section. womp womp.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

one second i crave chocolate, and the next i crave cheese. what is up with that?? i really want one of those cheddar baked-on bagels ever since i saw someone eat it yesterday. i know i won't like it, but i want to have it. i also really love brie now. has anyone else been getting those cooking videos where all they do basically is bake garlic and smear it on bread with brie or make pesto and smear that on, drizzle a shit ton of olive oil at like every step and tons of salt and pepper at the end. crazy how at one point i saw so many of those videos and they just stick with me. love them, but they do bamboozle me. one account can just label themself as a cooking channel, but mostly post the same garlic recipe five thousand times. i will like every single one they post, but will still be annoyed they know how to get people like me. i am still shaking my fist at the stupid good algorithm.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i wrote something yesterday while walking to class and added a bit more to it:

something about the warmth of the wind and the liveliness of the swaying flora around summoned her attention to the auburn leaves and singing fronds about. suddenly the depths of the internet mattered no more than benign particles floating just out of sight. her gaze traveled to the earth around calling out for one glimpse of recognition. one existence waiting peacefully to be noticed and appreciated by the bumbling folks who don't often pay any mind to the beauty around them. only then when her breath come back into her body did she realize she had forgotten everything prior to this moment. she took it all in, breathed in and out, and continued about her day.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

it is a struggle for me to not pick up leaves off of the ground lately. i'm kinda addicted to leaves rn. got a whole bunch of them sitting on my window sill..i'm not kidding, there's probably at least 20 or 30. and i love them all. all so beautiful in their own ways even with their "imperfections" which are totally perfect to me. i love every leaf i see on the ground, but especially the vivid orange and red ones. i do love a good brown and green leaf as well tho, gotta represent my favorite colors.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

anyshways, i felt like this was a good blog. it felt genuine and not over the top ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

tldr?: it didn't feel that long, but there's always someone who thinks it is

toaster oven or air fryer?

stickers in public

opposite persons

tomboy/feminine style

food...

something i wrote

leaves!!!

idk if these tldr's are useful or not, but i like summarizing and it keeps me on track knowing i gotta write one so i don't go on and on. maybe i should put these at the beginning, but i don't wanna. >:(

guten tag,

kD >:p

[inconsideratekidney]

10/17/24

hey gamers,

i wanna be a gamer, i wanna be up in here gaming on a thursday afternoon, double-monitored up, hella snacks.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

yoohoo big summa blowout. it's fall and it's amazing. loving my sweater moments because i exist in sweater weather. it is a time for seasonal depression, but also for cute and bulky sweaters! my favorite accessory. I consider them accessories because they are very much a part of my outfit. i am my outfit. i am the main attraction. just kidding...the sweater is the main attraction, i'm not that egotistical...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

anyway....i don't have much to say to be honest. i have talked to people and had my fill of spill-ing out my brain. i am content with my state of mind right now (i have no big assignments due tonight or tomorrow night). i am stressed about next week with 2 midterms and more big work coming in.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

the adhd brain is such an interesting thing--how can one be so distracted and yet not be able to distract oneself when necessary? trauma is one thing, but intrusive thoughts are so dumb and stupid. why have a brain if it can't function well enough to do what you tell it to do?

figures, i have so much on my plate and so much death in mind. my uncle's, my friend from high schools--which makes me think of the students last year who died and all others, and liam payne from one direction???? like what???? that's crazy. i can't strip that down for him the same anymore. wtf. like i can't take death in general, but this one is so different. it's like when cameron boyce died. so young and so out of the blue. i was shocked when i heard the news and it's just so terrible. fucking TMZ, ofc they posted a partial picture of his body, like wtf. no composure/demeanor like my interpreting gang knows. just odd behavior.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i am into watching House MD and honestly it's so interesting. my mom was on general hospital and dr. quinn medicine woman, which i'm sure no one knows about and probably one other show i can't remember, but i am into House right now. i like the dynamic, for now, and might get sick of it soon, though, cause i've been watching it a lot lately and might be overindulging. it's whatever. the show is witty and informative. i enjoy seeing the ways that the doctors develop their personalities and i wish there was a bit more drama relating to each of the doctors, but it's mainly about house and his group of doctors. oh shwell. maybe i am more into drama hospital shows than i thought. my youtube shorts feed sure thinks i am (and i keep liking them). i hate algorithms sometimes.

i have been instagram-free for a couple of years now! and tik tok free for some handful of months! but i am terribly addicted to youtube shorts.....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

rock, paper, scissors, says shoot! i picked scissors what did you pick

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

give me good recommendations for a laptop. i will bother everyone about this. i want a good computer that runs windows. pretty pls. my computer is giving me such a headache and i hate it. just anything with windows and that is somewhat light and somewhat cheap pretty pls. :prayer hands:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

rawr. i am the evil tiger of the wicked west. i will be taking all of your cookies. mwhahahhhahhaahhaha. om nom nom. they're mine now and in my belly. mmmm mmmmm. yummy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i need a brain break. rahhh hiyaa.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

tips on how to go insane?

step one: exist

step two: do life

step three: repeat.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

td:lr?

um, not much folks.

not much this time

gamer

(sweat)er

talking and death

house md and addiction

lappytoppy

mushy brain

sanity

need a break, goodnight

kD :3

[inconsideratekidney]

10/9/24

hey guys,

something's wrong with my computer. it can barely run all my chrome tabs anymore like it used to. it still functions i suppose, but its very slow and doesn't charge with this one charger i have--my backup charger. i bring this one around so i don't have to bring my big one. the big one that is like my only dependable charger apparently. this backup charger works on my phone and my tablet, but my laptop just won't accept it as a charger for whatever reason. it's super cool and lights up when it's plugged into a power source. it's got 3 different offshoots for usb-c, lightning cable, and something else idk what it's called but it's like an hdmi-shaped version of the lightning cable sized one. anyway, who cares about all that. my laptop has not turned on while the cable is plugged in and it pisses me off so much. i wish my laptop would finally explode like it wants to so i can get a new one.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

im not really sure what kind of audience is actually reading my blogs. i know most don't keep up, cuz its a blog and no one wants to read about someones personal life go on and on, but it is very therapeutic for me. i honestly dgaf who reads it or doesn't. just that i have a place to put my thoughts. i would love feedback or any kind of response literally, like idc what, i like to have conversations with ppl so if u want to go ahead. ill try to stop asking, but i feel like ppl don't feel right doing it or are straight up just not reading any of this. who knows. womp womp.

speaking of which, the things i write about are the kinds of topics i want to talk about with ppl, but are the ones that ppl dont stay on for too long. what i mean to say is that i can bring something up and not have the time to say it all, or the interest of the other person to listen; wait; then let me finish my thoughts, and then actually want a response from them. i often find myself wanting someone to just listen to me go on and on, and most ppl can't stand that or can't stay on the same topic i want to talk about. if i ever do find myself with someone who will let me talk, i'm so conditioned to change the subject for fear that i'm bothering them and sub-consciously/consciously change the subject so i don't lose ppl in conversation.

i had no idea how to recruit "fans" or whatever lol. i had no idea who really wanted to read these blogs. i just find them fun--i'd like to think i'm funny sometimes and that people enjoy what i have to say, so that they can read into what i'm thinking about on their own time. i don't have to bother people with my existence in a conversation back and forth if they don't want to. if you can't stand my writing u can just click away. it's not a big deal. my whole thing is that if you really did want to respond, i'd be down to have a chat with you. i feel satisfied after getting this all out that i can decide to respond or not once i'm done because i've already gotten my thoughts out without being interrupted. you don't watch me type or see my edits, you only see the final product and that puts me at ease a bit. when i speak out loud, i typically say everything i'm thinking or not enough. often i say the wrong thing and people are quick to jump in and ask for clarification or even correct me. i'm not finished. many ppl aren't patient anymore and it's frustrating when my brain doesn't function the way most peoples brains do.

i think of something, then i think "why the hell did that pop into my head? what on earth is this related to?" trick question--its never related to anything most times. my brain just picks up on slight things in my environment and misconstrues them as something relevant to some memory and brings one up, or comes up with something new. i'd assume most people think like that. i just don't know how to explain that to ppl in conversation when were talking about one thing, or we're not talking at all and i just bring something up. that's when it makes sense to me. typically i think of everything at once so it's all relevant to me.

i like this shark. going in circles endlessly in one small space. he knows he can't go anywhere, but maybe he likes it. it's safe, reliable, and cushiony. i put the shark here for our entertainment, but i wont release him (cuz i will forget) but he shall remain happy or maybe he's hitting his head against the walls, thinking "when will she stop yapping" idk.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

im sweating like a madwoman. make it stoppppp. i was trying to experiment by not wearing deodorant/antiperspirant to see if it was all in my head and it is not. it's quite real and i hate it. i hate sweating so much. i don't sweat in my hands or back. just my armpits and private bits (it's really just my thighs lol). i wanna lose weight tbh. i hate my thighs rubbing together, it hurts when i'm wearing shorts and they just slide up and chafe. ugh i get so uncomfortable thinking about it. also my body just gets hot. it's just so annoying. i feel like this hyperhydrosis condition really spiked when i entered college. that's when i really noticed it first a least. my mom has it and i've been trying all different deodorants and antiperspirants with her, but i still sweat regardless. i think she said some work for her for a bit, but then don't again. i think lumē worked for her but just smells weird. who knows. maybe i'll try mens deodorant or antiperspirant. i don't want to throw out my current one cuz yk, money, but it ain't working...

idkkkkk.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

in the time i've written this, the charger still isn't working and even when i hold down the power button there's no response from my conputer to even tell me it's dead. i'm concerned but still couldn't care less. its not fanning bc i let it stop before it turned off. i think it just died and this charger isn't working. i sure hope it works when i get home tho. fuck this shit.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

this body positivity movement related to hair on women is progressing more i think. i haven't researched it or anything, but i notice more ppl than i did before who seem female presenting or have feminine features to have body hair and i love to see it. it's still very scarce, but this is only one place in the world. ofc my hometown there's like no one and my mother makes fun of me all the damn time, so i never forget it. i just wish it didn't look so bad. like i don't care about it cosmetically in the sense that women shouldn't have it cuz it looks bad or cuz its not feminine, but i just don't think it ever matches my outfits. it pisses me off kinda. i don't feel like i give off hairy vibes. maybe i do. those aren't the vibes i wanna put out there. but see in that mindset, i'm stereotyping myself and still have the same schema. "what they're wearing is weird that doesn't match what i assume their style is!" type shit. i don't enjoy this mindset and it comes along with other stereotypical, generalizing mindsets i still have from growing up and am still trying to eradicate, but dang its hard.

i also study peoples behavior and people watch to learn and copy whats socially acceptable. so believe me when i say, it's fucking hard having hairy legs when it's still not common everywhere i go. it's kind of a fucking nightmare sometimes. and i know i sound like "oh, woe is me!" and sometimes i do feel like that, but its because i don't see enough representation--thats another reason why i do it. my real reason is that i don't care to keep up with shaving and i don't want to do it bc i feel like i have to. i don't feel like i want to, so i just don't. if one day i wake up and feel like shaving, then damnit i will. but i don't need anyone's approval or advice on it. i'm angry bc of what my mother says to me, so this is mainly directed towards the comments she's made, and my father, hell, both of em. i'm not taking this outta thin air. there are ppl attacking me, it's my family...

that's the funny thing. i haven't gotten any backlash from a single other person. funny... if they keep it to themselves, wonderful! i honestly don't care what they think, but do care that they are being considerate.

anyshways, thats why i don't love socks that pull on the hair and why i feel awkward in tank tops and short shirts cuz i still haven't gotten over the socially different part yet. this is revolutionizing for me even if it isn't for anyone else.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

if you actually read everything so far, you're cool, but if you're at the end and readin this, you're still cool but u just don't know what i said. i'll sum it up for you-

tdlr (i hate myself):

- computer bout to shit itself

- i have social anxiety and am a clinical yapper

- computer still boutta die

- ahh scary! hair on woman!!

youre here now.

yipee!!

i'll try to post Tuesdays through Thursdays i have decided. try to check then if u can....

love yall,

kD :p

[inconsideratekidney]

10/3/24

happy october! i love spooky season, not for the spooks, but for the earthy tones and slight weather change. i have definitely not prepared myself enough for this cold weather and am in a bad mood lately, but i am very ready for this season. i like it better downstate because it's very fucking cold up here.....i don't like it thaaat much up here, but everyone i know and care about is up here, so yur. i also love wearing sweaters, cardigans, sweatshirts, fun socks, ugg slippers, PANTSSSS pacifically flare pants and jeans in general.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i like that my hair sits on my shoulders and has enough volume that it looks vibrant, but what i wouldn't do to have thin hair that is easy to put up in a ponytail and take care of. i hate how frizzy my hair looks about one hour after brushing it, how it takes so much effort to put it up and how often i see other people putting their hair up in such cute braids n shit! i want that. every day it sits awkwardly on my shoulders waiting for me to give enough of a fuck to do something about it. i also don't do anything to take care of my hair. i just hate it and stick with whatever it looks like. i don't blow dry my hair ever, i also don't wear makeup really. i only brush out my hair after it's mostly dry, then i brush it a little, cuz it just frizzes up and looks poofy and stupid when i brush it out. i don't like how time-consuming hair and makeup is. i would love to be an eyeliner and mascara girly, but eyeliner is so hard. im good with my mascara cuz i also don't want to look like im wearing anything. it's super cool to see the eye looks people come up with, but i wouldn't want people to always look at me even if it made me feel good to wear it and that i worked hard on it--if that makes people stare at me or look at me more than usual, i don't want it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

why the hell is the boob rock all over the snapchat stories and why are these boobless computer science majors so invested in reincarnating it? it's so pathetic. get a life please.....stop bothering public safety to have to keep removing it after you guys keep replacing it......so odd and such freshman behavior. they also get so mad when you say that it's porn and upsetting women. sorry something you did upset someone else and you have to risk your ego. it's a dumb thing and honestly is such a tech school thing. sometimes i really wish i didn't go here....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

my thumb hurts less, but still hurts. i am uncomfortable with the fact that it's not healing fully and that i can easily reinjure it if i am not careful....hate that. it lowkey feels broken..... it hurts in the bone area if i bend it outwards like in a direction your thumb doesn't typically go. this is like that doctor interaction:

"it hurts when i do this, doctor."

"then don't do that!"

i don't do it on purpose, it just happens when i do life. my bad, doc.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

there really are some people in my classes that stunt my learning. some people that talk during the lecture, fidget a ton and are too loud for my liking all throughout the lecture and they sit right next to me. i am referring to one person, but they really do piss me off. they weren't in class today, so i could pay attention better... i also had to ask for help with the lab and the person next to me was of little help and i wanted to cry after asking for his help because i still didn't understand what he said or whatever the fuck i actually have to do for the assignment. that assignment sucks and can kiss my ass. i hate statistics.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

this blog is all over the place as i am plopping ideas onto the page that have come up and are all that i can remember for the time being. sometimes i write these in multiple go's and i hate it because it lacks the continuity that i crave. i also love sitting down and writing it in one sitting because it develops a theme, but sometimes that theme is very tunnel-visioned and doesn't make any sense at all. this blog is not going in one single direction or even a couple, it's going in many directions and i couldn't care less this time to fix it because i feel like shit.

speaking of my blog and continuity--i want to try to post on either tuesdays or thursdays or both. thats what i did last week and it felt easier. thursdays appear to be the worst day out of my week consistently so i hope to get at least tuesdays.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

why do people have children? i mean seriously, why? because it's what other people do; because it's the expectations your parents set for you; because you want the population to keep going; because you really wanted to have a little girl since your own childhood for vague reasons at first, then realized you hated the way you were raised and want to do better for the next generation and you can't complain about the next generation going to shit when you aren't actively having children? yeah, these reasons are very pressuring. feels rough when i don't even really want children for myself, i just want to parent in a different way than my parents, and that in and of itself could be more harmful than just not having kids. idk. i probably will have kids so i don't feel useless in the future, but also, i don't want to pressure them to do anything they don't want to....idk....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i really dislike when people get so opinionated that they have blurred vision or even rose-colored glasses on. i want more opinions from different people, but it's also so overwhelming honestly. i need like a couple of business days to take in what people say to me, and that's way too long before people get bored or forget what five-second convo we had that i thought about for way too long.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i scratched my watch against the wall when trying to get something in between my wall and my bed. it turns out my bed was too close to the wall and i want to truly throw it at the fucking wall because what the fuck. this thing gets scratched so easily and it pisses me off. i hope it goes away this time...it's happened before.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i am almost completely done decorating my room. got my mushrooms up, my butterflies have a home now, i put my mattress topper on my bed, and i removed the clutter from the ground. i gotta vacuum, build the shelf, put up some posters, and get a rug from target most likely. yipee!~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i want more frilly socks cuz my typical socks pull on my hair and it hurts like a motherfucker.

i also have been sweating too much in this cold weather. gotta pick one or the other, babe. fuck my body and its stupid inequalities.

oki, goodnight y'all love you,

kD :p

[inconsideratekidney]

9/26/24

hey y'all. had some thoughts today and yesterday that I wanted to jot a' down. here we goooo:

my interpreting gang will get this more than others, but we all mouth so much. like we need to chill out with the english stuff, but it's so normal and obviously deaf people mouth and sim com as well, but we need to cut that ish out. i get so distracted when i see people mouth or enunciate like half or most of what they're signing or sign and also speak breathily, like please be quiet i cannot focus. (also i hate the way enunciate is spelled fuck that motherfucker, it does not feel right at all.) i feel like we all collectively need real self-analysis when we rewatch our videos and shit, cuz i experience this as well, where i have no idea what my flaws or my grows are?!?!??! i need someone else to notice them and be blunt with me. just tell me cuz i don't have the valid experience and knowledge that a native would. please help me. anyway, i wanted to mention as well that people will mouth words that have an exact english word that you could translate it to. like if i were to sign big i would mouth "cha" which is a grammatical thing, but i have never signed big and mouth "bg" idk that's just me, i have seen people do that tho. as well as like when you describe a list with your five fingers, you go across your fingers with your dominant hand and don't mouth anything because there's not a direct english word for that. you get a word that describes the concept in english, but not the exact word itself. it's all about *interpretation***~~~~~. sorry i will leave the corny jokes at the door.....no i wont that wasnt even that bad shut up. ok whatever end of that discussion.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

maybe i'm out of it, but i need another hillary clinton "everybody pokemon go to the polls" joke for this election. i know we got trump's springfield dog/pet eating meme, but i need one that a candidate said that's like hillary's. i need another meme, pls. i want another motivational piece of information from one of them. anyway, that's as much political talk as i want to get into on here.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

what was i thinking about, i was thinking about many things yesterday and meant to write them down. i am shocked i am writing this right now honestly. oh, i went to the career fair not in a professional outfit and holding my salad from commons and everyone kept looking at my salad. like don't sideeye my salad like that cuz u thought i brought a resume made from paper and that looks like a to-go bin. stop looking at my salad, my eyes are up here, pal. too much goofy for one day. i want to go play the sims frrr. i have to do a paper for interpreting and that shit is not going down well. it is going to be my best efforts, but i am sacrificing playing the sims to do this assignment (even though i could've totally worked on it yesterday instead of playing the sims, but who's keeping track of the days when assignments aren't immediately due? i'm not.

I feel like I am finally becoming responsible with my work and that i am not as overwhelmed. it may have actually helped for me to drop a class from this semester, but i am still in over my head. but we are doing wonderfully so far, if i do say so myself. i have only considered dropping one of my majors like twice, and those thoughts disappeared after i dropped that one class, so we are so back.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

okay dude, what the flip.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it's hard to write a blog when i am feeling more at peace and not stressed. it feels like i am a whiny teenage girl that hasn't grown up yet. (.....) it feels like i shouldn't need to write a blog at all when i am actually feeling good....it's like life isn't that bad and the bugs in my head are wrong. speaking of which, i am curious about y'all's opinions--can you grow out of a learning disability/being neurodivergent or do you just learn to cope and mask better?

If you ask me, i think i have learned how to cope, and i have always learned to mask. i never knew there was a word for that, but yes, in every situation i am evaluating everyone and everything constantly. my eyes are tired and my brain is satisfied for once, but it's also filled to the brim with mostly useless information and therefore why i yap all the time and find a blog useful for my well-being even when i am happy. it's a good practice to express myself in an unformatted uncensored way with no interruptions from other people specifically about what i am saying, but more so that others would distract me in the environment i am in physically. i prefer to blog alone and in a quiet space, but that isn't always what i get. i am luckily able to do that now and here i am forgetting what question i was answering so let me finish that first before everyone starts to skim and not comprehend what i am saying.....

I think that i have learned to cope and mask, but i also have never taken any medication for add and am unsure if i am on the autism spectrum (i know some ppl say everyone is), i am neurodivergent and it fucks with my psyche and that's what i deal with, so regardless of labels, i think differently and my prefrontal cortex dances to a different tune than that of the majority of the population. my add is not gone, it is just manifested in different ways. I recently heard that girls are more often diagnosed with add than adhd compared to boys and that that can be because girls do not display hyperactivity externally but that we internalize it and it manifests as anxiety and daydreaming and such. definitely that is me. that is called inattentive adhd i believe, i am not going to check now cuz i am on a roll typing and don't want to stop.

I would like to go and get tested for autism but ppl keep saying its not fun when its on your medical records and jobs are like no ew you're autistic we cant accommodate or we are going to discriminate against you without saying it directly. also, like someone also mentioned it's not about the label it's about knowing my needs and accommodating myself. if that turns into something out of my control or requires more from my school and work, then yes, maybe i should do something about it. currently i am a goofy goober and don't use accommodations at school except for asking for extensions, but mostly i just try to sit closer to the front and silently chill. if i feel more comfortable i will raise my hand and ask for clarification, but that depends on the vibe of the class and how physically close i am to the professor.

i would like to be more confident in myself and admit that i need clarification and some accommodations cuz i don't function like other people, but that requires bringing attention to myself and having to say something to hold myself accountable for my actions and that conflicts with my wallflower tendencies.

please do share your experiences with me over text if you would like to cuz i love other people and like to know about other people, especially when i have only recently started to align myself with other neurodivergent people and feel more happy and put together with myself.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i hope that has been a sufficient amount of yapping for you. this is what i do instead of pay for an expensive therapist or talk to another person because i don't like to be interrupted when i talk about conceptual, philosophical or heavy topics in general.

anyway, toodaloohoo

kD :p

[inconsideratekidney]

9/24 /24

sorry for being mia🫣🫣 i am so back now.

hello everyone, what is your favorite way to eat root vegetables?

anyway, here i am typing this out with my sprained thumb in a damn ace bandage because i owe myself and yall a blog. i owe myself a breakdown of previous life happenings.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

still think about my uncle often, still have random memories of what he looked like, how he sounded and then my reality and his hits me like a truck and i have to unconsciously shove those inital memories into the deep abyss of my mind. i had a reslly rough night sunday night. filled with frequent awakenings and an awful nightmare about a self driving uber ride where some giant head like the one in the bones mines in stardew valley (i forget the name) coming at me asking if i was enjoying/happy with my uber ride? freaky shit, i cant even remember fully cuz it was 2 nights ago. stress and anxiety are my biggest opps rn. along with that damn money taking the wheel all the time. fuck that guy. i wish bananas would satisfy him, but he needs my failures and unsuccessfulness to feed him apparently.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

every day i feel more and more like i am in a world made for people whose brains do what they want them to do and my brain is like a fish spinning around to daft punk under disco lights 24/7. i cant turn the music off bc i like the music, but the music also turns on by itself at unnecessary times like when my sims autonomously run to the damn computer at fkn 4AM. then they still complain when they piss themselves cuz they didnt go when i told them to smh.

speaking of having an obsession and possibly being autistic, i just bought 3 new packs for the sims 4 cuz they were on sale but i still dont feel good about anything. im so happy when i build for like 3 hours, but hate myself when i have to do 3 giant assignments in the next night bc i procrastinated them all. i also havent been reading my schedule lately...im due for a depressive rock bottom if i havent hit it already. have to convince myself to get out of this one sooner rather than later cuz i have too much damn responsibility. i dont even wanna get started on how nervous i am about this election. whatever.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i will give yall a cliffhanger for now since i am going to go change for hip hop. catch yall on the flip side. ciaooo.

kD💬

[inconsideratekidney]

9/11/24

oop. that title is a date. i don't hold any strong opinions towards that, but also won't try to say anything that would be appropriate just cause it's a certain date. whatever. idk what to say. ok um moving on.

walking home thoughts:

my hair is definitely hairing the way i want it to. i like the length more than a longer or shorter length, but it is also what is considered the awkward length. i only really hate it when it hasn't been washed in a bit, which is often, but today i was happy with it.

what is up with mongo pushing? like just use your front foot. why are you making yourself do more work and look goofy (but not in the right way) doing so?

while i say that i am also holding my fist firmly in the air, upset and regretful that i left my skateboard at home

i really love the way the algae over the pond looks and it definitely makes me feel really excited and warm inside. idk why.

also i hate the walk home. i wish i had my skateboard because why does it take so long. i used to walk so fast like 4 years ago and i've just slowed down for some reason since 3 years ago. wtf.

everyone needs a freakin dpiel in their life. i thought this a couple days ago, but thought about it again today on my walk home. he has such good music taste and makes me listen to artists i wouldn't have thought of on my own and would be like "eh" before, but since he played it in front of me i was like "oh, i'm a dumbass. i have been missing out on some fantastic music" this includes childish gambino, tame impala, and steve lacey, but there are so many songs that he plays that i also love from varying different artists. i also silently add these songs to my library, but i think they're really cool. shoutout to dpiel. striptease, kilby girl, dang!, hey lover, and les were all songs from one drive that i downloaded i believe. keep doing ur thing, man, love to see it.

related, but not from my walking home thoughts, from my now thoughts, i am currently loving music i hear from gabriel like a lot, and starting to like music from miles and obviously dpiel. i've been heavily into arctic monkeys, glass animals, childish gambino, some songs from kevin abstract (i need to explore that avenue further), some from megan thee stallion honestly, some steve lacey, really into tory lanez (controversial cuz he shot megan thee stallion in the foot and wouldn't admit it, but okay.....i really like his music even if he steals it without credit......but i hate who he is as a person), some future, heavy on the weeknd, the whole metro boomin spiderman album, machine gun kelly, some cage the elephant, then some various gabriel songs as i will call them. super loving music rn.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i super duper hate pimples. especially this one in my ear that just finally decided to fuck off. hate them with a vengeance. especially since it fucked with my every day life and hurt like hell when i kept accidentally scratching it. anyway.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i finally put my string lights up. still haven't gone to the store for a rug or finished my shelf journey. we got wood tho so yeehaw. gotta figure out the machinery and how tf to get started. i really want to make my bed space more comfy and inviting. especially when i am here way too often, i want to make it super duper comfy. but like not too comfy to where i never leave, but less springy as it is right now. i want to put my mattress topper back on, but my fitted sheets keep coming off of it and make me want to kill something every time they pop off a corner. also it is a little wrong, it sinks in a bit and feels kind of weird. my mom spent money on it so i should use it tho. ugh.

I want to go back to playing the sims. i keep seeing really cool ideas on youtube, i really want to be more creative, so i think i'll go and try some that i've had saved for some time. i kept losing at wii sports tennis for some reason emily and akira are really good :| makin me wanna throw the controller into the tv (i didn't, it's not my controller or tv, and i would never do that if it was pff..).

my throat hurts and i could be getting sick >:( i hate getting sick, especially the sore throat kind. i am going to gargle that cpc mouthwash before that shit decides to go down my entire throat and up my sinuses. fuck you u stupid shit. i'm not staying sick this time, bitch.

anyway, lemme worsen my oncoming headache by playing the sims instead of winding down for bed.

goodnight, good afternoon, good morning, good day,

kD

[inconsideratekidney]

[inconsideratekidney]

9/5/24

hi there,

today felt long, even though my day technically ended at 1:45, my brain and body haven't felt well-rested since 2008. i will always be forever stuck in my younger self. i had so many american girl dolls, barbies, polly pockets, calico critters, one random strawberry shortcake phase, etc. and i still will forever miss them. my playing days didn't end in 2008, just the last time i probably felt well-rested.

i also wish that i had more mobility in my fingers, hands, wrists, and arms and neck/upper chest because i want to wear so much jewelry but it tends to cut off my circulation when i get hot and sweaty and it all starts to irritate me about halfway through my day. i enjoy wearing memorable pieces of jewelry and whatnot that people give me, i like to wear them every day to think of people, even if they don't match. every few days or so i need to rip them off and get acclimated for a day or so to not having anything obstructing my circulation. then i go back. it's a fun cycle, not a vicious one!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i feel a headache coming on...must be all the sims and constant screen exposure for like 2 hours...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

speaking of which, my homework has been started since i sent that email out! i just also have my mind on other things....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i'm excited about this direction for my blog! i hope it works out well, even though i know the notifications will be different. if you don't make an account then you can't turn on notifications which is annoying, unless someone knows a better way? i don't want to force people to make an account....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i have found myself making friends with people that i am slightly uncomfortable with? i don't know how to word it, but i feel very overstimulated often with certain people and they seem to enjoy my company, but i am silently screaming. it's hard when someone is loud and does not whisper well when everyone else is quiet or the professor is lecturing and i am just trying not to get noticed......i notice with this kind of acquaintance i typically just go silent while theyre talking and develop lazerbeam eyes that look right through to the other side of them. i find it hard to communicate when im uncomfortable with something or something someone is doing, especially when im not that close with that someone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

this is me from the future aka the next morning cuz i forgot to finishing writing. i dont want to do 2 day posts, bc that ruins the purpose of what im trying to achieve--once a day every day or every couple of days or once a week. not multiplr days on end. i already write a lot so i cant have multiple days in one post. i can feel myself wanting to start writing more but its only been like 12 hours since i last wrote so im gonna take a cooldown before doing that. (i will say tho sleeping on my back last night actually was so much better than my stomach and i went out like a light and only shifted in my sleep like 2 times)

anyshway, have a blessed day,

kD :p

[inconsideratekidney]

testing testing 123

this is my first attempt at a blog, let's see how this turns out #hashtag