#i jyst want to be happy again

[graciebrams]

when is this going to end????????

[azlovesem]

Maybe one day ill see Japan again. Just maybe not with this wife. I did wanna bring her with me. I still do in a way. She ll dimmer down. But i think we shpuld maybe separate. I write feeling and ideas here. Dont think anything here is the real truth. At leas half of it is. Im trying to add epuc dialogue to an idea ive had for long time. So i use pretend relationships with people on here i love. The girls. Whats better thsn a battle between sexes and other wordly forces. Obvipusly i gave duper nstural power stupid. Yeah i know that i noticed so do others. From way back. My smart friend in high school said msn uou have to be Jesus or something to do that. Or somrone else vlose an old friend of his. Ha ha ha ha. Jesus was awesome i loved him but im not him. Im the Archangel Azriel. His bodyguard. He just laughed. I said just like a boardgame or something you dont wanna mess with me on the darkside. I love Pierre he coukd care less he loves his own day so much. Yiull bever here much of a lroblem from Pierre hes oure jokes like me. I think ky eife doesnt have a good sense of humour. And im an asshole. To her to everyome lately. In a sense ive been wanting her to go. Oh shes pissed enough now. I gotta stay away from her we have an at times volatile rekstionship shes no pushover. But dhes not very nice either. She foesnt have much vharity in her soul. But she has a lot of redeemable characteristics. If dhe goes dhe fies thete nighing i can do. But go pack and get resdy to ho vidit England. No offense to Japan but i want yo ho do ewhere ive always aanted to go and just love. It could be worse thsn here but ineont notice ill be do happy i slrwady know. Tten ill gonealk arpumd Paris too. Just by myself. I have to desttoy a big vhink of cocaine i can not sell it. I wish its worth 80 thousand dollars. But to who or what? I have some gold im on the frnce about that. I nlew ip my car and cant sell that. Ill have to have w nice trip in 50 grand. Thatll get a month or two ateadt its all i need. I need to leave here. I dont want to die here. Withoutvseeing Paris and London. Ive bern sll over na fo t need to see ehwre i havent bern ill end up in trouble. I alresdy know. Ill just disappear into the crowd and try and gigute out what to do. Sad yoday no matter what. Maybe i am better ofr dead a good partnof je feels. Just drink a mohggie laced voffee like my friend fud recently. Another jyst took s fatal overdose of opiayes. Ahhh not before i see Paris.

きれいなお姉さん

[photographertherapistblogger2]

Healing and clearing my Sacral chakra

What's masks do you wear to protect yourself from building true intimacy with the rest of the world?

So I think sometimes I talk to much snd not ask the right questions to see if I actually have a true connection, I trust to easily. In the past I've used it to mask being insecure about self worth and rejection. Honestly though when I'm happy I feel great but when it comes down to meeting someone new friend or relationship I'm scared to fully let go because of domestic abuse in a past relationship and neglect in my childhood. Yesterday was great for me because I spoke openly about my story and she understood me and respected my honesty. I want to find more of this but these days it seems impossible.

What aspects of your true self are you afraid to allow to be seen?

I show people the real me at the beginning to see what they can handle but then when I see something I don't like I go straight to auto pilot because I feel I know where this will lead. Sometimes I just sit and listen to get a jyst of someone and how they are before I make my decision on someone. My true self is many different things and only my kids will ever fully see that. I accept that someone could love me for who I am and if they were to walk infront of me right now and I felt the same about them as I do my children then I know that would be true love and hard for me to hide who I was. I have trust issues still yet I'm open how confusing is that.

Are you carrying any guilt around for anything you've previously experienced?

Yes I do and this is why I loved the conversation with this lady yesterday because I openly admitted something I did in a previously abusive relationship that I felt I had to do but deep down I never wanted to and that was to hit my children because I thought that was the only way. I will never ever do that again it absolutely breaks me to think I ever did that but I forgive myself. The other thing I still hold guilt for was my stillborn children alfie, I should of never been put in that situation and i need to forgive myself I had to do the only thing that would give you peace my sweet baby boy. Please forgive I didn't want you to suffer and when i meet you again I will give you the biggest hug. You were and always will be wanted ❤️❤️

What do you need in order to release this burden and no longer carry it with you?

At this point all I want is my children to forgive me and know I'm doing everything in my power to make things right whatever that is and give us the best life possible. Know I will always love you no matter what. I feel I need to forgive myself and fully accept what happened.

[acciobamon]

I last saw my family in January, before we were able to get all back together this weekend. I'm leaving tomorrow, and I don't know when I'll see them again, and for the first time in years, I really don't want to be away again for an unknowing time. I miss my region, I miss watching my nieces and nephew grow up, I miss spending time with my siblings, I miss hugging my mom and talking with my dad.

I love where I live, I love my job, and I love my friends there. But I hate more and more being so far away, and missing so much. I really don't want to get on the train tomorrow.

[liquid-snakes]

vent in the tags!! sorry ✊😔

[bookofxandria]

My Half Ass Moon Report

December/15/ 2022 🌟🌹🌜🌠

This MOON REPORT is accurate from where I see the moon and experience the lunar activityfrom the Northern hemisphere on planet Earth lol how do yall like them cheese burgers 🍔 I'm kidding ?

So here we go Supreme distractions are a head !! Yes I've got legit ADHDabcdocacdc LOLOL

🌜As you can see from this (below) photo is a screen shot of the lunar cycle: today the moon is in the Last Quarter phase and in the zodiac sign of Virgo. 👇🌜💀And todays guidance is coming up shortly ill elaborate on how exactly the cosmos will be most likely effecting you and point out some key points to keep in mind too this is just my first moon report in a really ling time and im new to ✌tumblr again just settling in and have a lot to do wow there are reslly damn some great blogs on hete man o man ive got compétition like wild fire voy voy .. ..

This MOON is a good time to do some shadow work if you can concentrate because things will be boiling and bubbling to the surface and you may lose all control of your emotions if you do not get a firm grip on reality and keep yourself grounded for sure .

🌋🌜🌹🌜💥👉FOLLOW ME 👇👇

👉👉👉🌹@bookofxandria 🌹✌

The Moon these days will mirror our inner child who wants to be in the spotlight. The lunar phase sort of radiates an entertaining aura that aims at getting things right. It owns a creative spirit fueled by warmth, generosity, truthfulness and honesty. Sometimes, it makes us a little dramatic in our emotional displays, and we want to control others as per our wishes.

Watch out for your inner monster may come out of the closet and hunt lol jyst tame the beast wjthin and like chill out your inner narcisistic tendsncies and dance ... But it seems....

You want dominance, and it also stops you from showing others what is going on in your heart. The next few days the Moon motivates you to maintain your public image to gain attention and applause from every side. It is the period of enjoying romance and creative activities to undertake new risks and enhance personal recognition.

It is the time to share your gifts of fame with others. There is no space for those in your life who ignore you. The only thing you want is to be famous and stand out for your skills and talents. This is your time to capture the stage and charm others with your performance.

New SuperMoon will be coming into bloom right x actly for xmss days yes so besutiful and no more blues your depression seems to be going but nkt fading just there enough to keep you from burstibg with joy overjoyed sbd so so happy you could die

Right now and this week You value integrity and justice over everything. Your well-honed sense of fairness works well under all the moon phases we will be experiencing from today DEC/15/22 until XMAS on DEC/24 AND 25. 💩🌜🎅🎄 & merry ho ho to yall out there celebrating the holidays !

Much Love from XANDRIA XTC BABY

[ianv-s]

I feel like my certain ties to "girl/womanhood" only exist because I've forced them onto myself. I believed that I had to fit the part because there was no other option.

If I don't transition, sure I'll never be comfortable with my body or how people perceive me, but then again I won't have to put any people though any mental pain or suffering.

Sure, sometimes I let the anger caused by the dysphoria build up which leads me to explode later on and that does have some implications but again.. so what?

Everyone would be happier if I stayed this way, if I played the part.

Would I personally be happier if I could get top surgery and have people see me as anything but a girl? Sure. Would that help anyone but me? Not really.

I don't want to have to be scared of anyone just because I don't know how they'd react to me saying that I'm trans. It's enough that I hate myself for it.

I know that if I were cis I would be a completely different person and that's perhaps one of the things that have helped me figure out that I'm trans. Even while I didn't know I was trans, I always felt like an outsider but I did what I could to fit in though it was never enough. However, when I was younger I wanted to play football with all the other guys. I wanted to be one of those people who teachers would deem fit to carry the tables whenever they needed some "strong volunteers." I wanted to befriend the guys without people thinking I had a crush on them, without even the guys thinking I'm weird.

Well, as it turns out I'm the weird one no matter what. Even after trying to embrace whatever I needed to embrace, doing whatever I could to fit in.

It has always and still continues to make me upset whenever people don't see me as someone who's more masculine. When I was younger I aimed to be a tomboy. I asked my mom if she thought I was and she always responded "you'renot a tomboy at all. If you want a real tomboy, you should have seen me as a kid." End of discussion. I told my friend over the summer that I wanted to be see as someone who is more masculine and I want to wear more masculine clothing. They responded by saying that "it shouldn'tbe like that. You shouldn'tbe ashamed of being feminine. I don't agree with you."

I just.. I hate that I am trans and that the term trans will always have a certain negative connotation. I hate that in order to be happy I have to annoy others and have to sacrifice certain relationships. I hate that throughout my entire childhood I was uncomfortable with my body and that I was forced to be feminine and that anything else would mean that I'm careless and dominant and loud.

I HATE GENDER ROLES I HATE STEREOTYPES I HATE MY BODY I HATE HOW OTHERS SEE ME I HATE HOW AWKWARD I AM I HATE THAT I'M TRANS I JUST HATE MYSELF

I guess this is why I always struggled with "being myself" because I always knew that myself was a person that no one would be happy for. I always had a feeling that myself was a completely different person than people thought I always was. I was not the same type of "kind, sweet girl" that people thought I was. But I had to be so that adults, people around me, and especially teachers would like me and think that I'm responsible and trustworthy.

I JYST HATE MYSELF AND THE FACT RHAT I'VE INTERNALISED ALL THESE COMMENTS THROUGHOUT THE YEARS. I HATE THAT I CARE SO MUCH ABOUT WHAT OTHERS THINK AND I HATE THESE STUPID GENDER ROLES AND STEREOTYPES THAT ONLY SERVE TO IMPRISON EVERYONE.

[hallowsvilbur]

QUIRREL IS SUCHBA GOOD FUCKING CHARACTER AND HIS STORY FIS SO ENDEARING TO ME LIKE HE HAS TO LEAVE HIS HOME AND COUNTRY DUE TO AN ANGRY GOD AND HIS MEMORY GETS ERASED DUE TO ANOTHER ANGRY GOD AND HE SPENDS WHO KNOWS HOW LONG JUST EXPLORING THE DESERT PROBABLY AND WHEN HE FINDS HIS KINGDOM AGAIN ITS ALL IN RUINS AND HE QUICKLY REALISES HE HAS TO SACRIFICE HIS TEACHER, HIS MOTHER FIGURE, MONOMON FOR THE GREATER GOOD AND AFTER THAT HE HAS AN IDENTITY CRISIS(?) AND DECIDES HIS LIFE AND STORY IS OVER EVEN THO HE COULDVE LIVED ON A CHILL HAPPY LIFE AFTER THAT BUT HES SUCH A SENTIMENTAL GUY THAT HE THINKS HIM DYING IS THE BEST ENDING AND HE JUST OFFS HIMSELF IN A FUXKIN LAKEE DBDJ AND I JSYT

YKNOW WHEN I FIRST SAW HE LEFT HIS BLADE AT THE LAKE I THOUGHT HE JUST RETIRED AND WENT TO LIVE WITH THE ARTIST KNIGHT GUY LIKE THE BLACKSMITH DID BUT I COULDNT FIND HIM SO I SEARCHED THE WEB AND LEARNED HE DIED THAT WAY AND I WAS LIKE OH. AND I HAD LITTLE GHOST SIT NEXT TO HIS BLADE FOR LIKE AN HOUR JYST THINKING ABOUT QUIRREL I LOVE HUM SO MUCH PLEASE I JUST WANT HIM SBACK ABS AKA S A A A A A SMWMA A

PLEASE QUIRREL MAKES ME SO SAD I SAT NEXT TO HIM FOR LIKE 15 MINUTES AT THE LAKE HE'S SO SCRIMBLO AND BELOVED I JUST HHGGHGHHV:((((( HE'S SO NICE AMF WHEN HE DIED I FELT SO SAD BECAUSE HE'S BEEN THERE SINCE THE START AND I HAD TO LET HIM GO I JUST I NGABHWGHHWGUGWMSBYJUSMYUBBSYUMBMUMVTYSNVTYSYTVNWVYTJWVYTJ@_<%@_%_×6<%×;_<?_;×_<%(_;<(×_;<(×*_<;×_%<(!_<%(×;_<*×_;<*

[lentils-writes]

Ocean Eyes

(So, this is a fic I wrote for my wife, because she is writing an AU where Valkyrie and Carol are Youtubers who do a dramatic reading of a self-insert fanfic they find about themselves. I wrote it as if I were 14 again and had an enormous crush on both Val and Carol, which was not terribly hard, except there are a lot more typos than I would have made. “My” OC is named Artimys and is loosely based on a real character I made up when I was 15. The plot is a homage to the story in this video. This is the most fun I’ve had writing anything in a long time, for real. Also, the jokes about Val blushing and crying constantly are on purpose yes.)

Chapter 1 - My Strange Addiction

Val waited at the door excitedly. Today was the day that her girlfriend Carol was moving in with her! They had been togehter for three years and loved each other very much. 

She heard a knock. “Hi Carol!” she said. Carol was stabding there with all of her stuff. “hi baby!” said Carol. “Im so excited so move in with you!”

“Come in” said val “We should get pizza to celebrate!”

The door opened to the apartnent next door and a girl stepped out. She had long brown hair that looked almost black that went past her butt and ceruleeen blue eyes that looked purple sometimes. She was wearing a black leather jacket and a red flannel shirt and combat boots. “Hi!” she said. “I’m your neighbor Artimys. If you need any help moving in let me know”

“Hi Artimys” said Val blushing. 

“Nice to meet you!” Carol said. Artimys waved and went away.

“Why did you blush when Artimys talked to you?” Carol asked. “Do you like her or something?”

Val felt bad. “Yes i do like her but I didnt want you to think i didn’t still love you! She is just so hot i can’t help it!” and she started crying.

Carol smiled. “Baby don’t be sad, I think she was hot too. and I know what we can do about that.......”

Chapter 2 - Everythig I Wanted

Val and Carol knocked on Artimys’ s door. “Hello” said Artymis “what do you want?”

“We want you to invite you over for dinner” said Carol. “We are making spaggetti. You should come because Val is cooking and she is a very good cook.”

“Okay!” So Artimys came over.

While they were eating Carol said “Artimys are you dating anyone right now?”

“No” said Artimyz “but I am a lesbian.”

“Great well Val is bisexual and I’m lesbian too and we were wondering if maybe you wanted to go out with us sometime?” Carol’s heart was beeting so fast she worries that Artimys will be mad and run away.

Artimys opened her eyes very wide. “Wow! But I thought you were daring each other?”

“We are but Val has a crush on you” Carol said while Val blushed and her cheeks turned bright red. “And I think you’re so pretty. Please go out with us?”

Artimys blushed too. “I will!” she said smiling. “I think you are both so petty too. can I kiss you?”

“Yes” said Val and Carol and they leaned in and kissed her. All three of them kissed and made out and then they did it six times in a row (because they are all girls and girls can do that). Then they all went to sleep happy and in love.

Chapter 3 - listen beofre I go

Val and Carol woke up and got out of bed before Artimys. “I will make pancakes” said Carol. 

“Thank you!” said Val giving her a kiss on the cherk. 

Val went back to the bedroom and waited for Artimys to wake up. “Good morning sleeping beauty” whispered Val kidding her lightly on the lips.

“Good morning!” hummed Artimys. “Where’s Carol?”

“She’s making us pancakes.”

“Oh I love pancakes!”

“Me too” nodded Val. And then she got on the bed and they made out until the pancakes were done.

“Hey!” Carol yelled when she found them making out. “Don’t leave me out! That’s rude!”

And then there was a knock at the door. “Who could that be” said Cal and Artimys went to the door to see who it was. There were two big tall guys standing there wearing black shirts and black pants and black masks like they were bank robbers. “Who are you” gasped Artimys but then they grabbed her and threw her over their shoulders and ran away, kidnapping her!!!!!

“HELP! Let me go! screamed Artimis. 

Val and Carol ran out to see what had happened and they ran downstairs after the men. They tried to run after the van but they couldn’t run fast enough because the van was going too fast. Val started crying. “What do we do???

Carol grabbed her phone and called 011. “Help!!!!” she shrieked. “Someone kidnapped our girlfriend!!!!!!!!”

While the police were coming to talk to Val and Carol Carol got a Youtube notification on her phone. It was a message and it said: IF YOU WANT TO SEE YOU GIRLFIEND AGAIN MAKE A VIDEO ABOUT HOW SORRY YOU ARE FOR BRAKING UP WITH HELA. 

The police asked them a lot of questions. “Do you know of any suspects?” they demanded.

Carol showed them the message on her phone. “Maybe it was Val’s ex-girlfriend Hela, she’s a real bitch and hates me ever since Val broke up with her and started dating me. She makes makeup videos but they aren’t that great.”

“Oh I know who she is” said the police. “But she’s a nice girl and she would never do something to bad as kidnap somebody. We’ll be in touch of we learn anything.” Then they drove off.

“Now what do we do?” Val asked tearfully.

Carol was thinking. “I have an idea..........”

Chapter 4 - bellyache

Carol got on the phone and called someone. “Hi Natasha” she said “are you busy?”

“I’m picking a lock but not really” replicated Natasha. “What’s up?”

“Our girlfriend got kidnap and we need help” begged Carol. “Can you hack into the security cameras and get a license plate?”

“Im already in” said Natasha triumphantly. “And I’m loooking up the license plate of the van.”

“Thank you” sighed Carol. “There were two guys in a white van and they wore masks so we couldn’t see what they looked like. We think Hela did it but the police didn’t believe is.

“That butch” said Natasha “ok I’m tracking the can now, it’s driving to the airport.”

Val went and got the car and Carol got in next to her and Natasha told them where to go to follow the van. “Oh no” gasped Natasha. “They’re getting on a plane!!!!!”

Carol and Val ran inside the airport but the plane had already took off. “NOOOOO!!!!!!” screamed Carol.

“Did you see two big men buying tickets?” Val asked the ticket desk desperately.

“I’m sorry but I can’t yell you that, it’s illegal”

“Please” whimpered Carol. “These men kidnapped our girlfriend and we love her and want her back. We need to know where they’re going!”

“Well in that case” said the employee typing on the keyboard. “Dont tell my boss ok? They bought three tickets to Porto Rico.”

“We need to go there!!!!!” shrieked Val.

So they boght two tickets to Porto Rico. “I am sending you the cordinates” said Natasha and they got a text on the phone that said the cordinates.

“Thank you” gasped Carol. “How can we ever repay you?”

“I just want you three to be together” said Natasha. “Good lick.”

While on the plain carol said “we should make a video.”

“What?” shrieked Val. “Im not apologixing to Hela!”

“No” soothed Carol. “A cideo for Artimys so that she knows we’re looking for her and we love her.”

“Oh” said Val. “Good idea.”

So Carol got out her camera. “Hey copilots todays video is gonna be a little different. Val and I are making this for our girlfriend Artimys. Artimys we don’t know where you are but we’re not giving up on you. Don’t worry, we’ll all come home soon. We love you and we’re not going to stop looking for you. You don’t have to stay with Hela anymore.”

Meanwhile in Porto Rico

Artimys woke up. She was inside a cave and it was cold and windy. “Where am I” she asked.

“Hello” said a mean sexy voice and it was........HELLA!!!

Chapter 5 - Hostage

Artimys hasped. “Hela!!!!”

“That’s me” said Hala. “Hello Artumys.”

“Where are we?” demanded Artimys “where are Carol and Cal?” 

“That doesn’t matter.” Scoffed Hela. “Your going to be MY girlfriend now.”

“No I’m not!” yelled Artimys. “Val and Crol love me! They will come save me!!!”

“Oh really” laufhed Heka. “Then why did they post this?” And she pulled put her phone and opened a video.

Carol and Val were in the video and said “Artimys we’re giving up on you. Don’t come home. We’re going to stop looking for you. We don’t love you anymore.”

Artimys started crying. “Why don’t they love me anymore????”

“Who knows” shurgged Hela and she put her arms around Artimys confritingly. “But I love you.”

Artumys was still crying and Hela said “let me get you some tea that will make you feel better.” She gave Artimys the tea and Artimys drunk it.......but she didn’t know that the tea had a love potion in it!!!!! 

After Artimys drink the tea she stopped crying and said “Hela I love you so much! Why did I ever care about Val and Carkl. You are the only woman for me!”

“Of curse baby!” said Hela. And she out her arms around Artimys and they kissed. 

“Now that you are my girlfriend I think we should take some sexy pictures” said Hela. “That way I will be able to see how sexy and gorgous you are even when we are apart.”

Artimys blushed. “I’ve never taken pictures like THAT before Hela.”

“Don’t worry” Hela whispered “their jyst for me and don’t you love me?”

“I do” said Artimys and started to take off her clothes. 

“Good” said Hela. “And after I take these pictures then we can do it.”

Chapter 6 - When the Partys Over

The plane landed in porto rico and Val and Carol got off it and called Natasha. “Have you seen the pictures” asked Natasha.

“What pictures?”

Natasha texted them a link and they opened it. They were baked pictures of Artimys!!! In some of the pictures she was wearing underwear but in a lot of them she was wearing noting and doing sexy poses for the camera. “Oh no!!!!!” gasped Val starting to cry.

“What happened???” Carol womdered. “Did Hela take these??”

“I dont know but im texting you the address where she is” said Natasha.

They got a taxi to take them to the addresss Natasha  sent them. It wasn’t a very long drive but Carol spent the entire drive mad. “How dare she take these pictures!!” she shouted.

“Hela always wanted me to rake naked pictures but I said no” sighed Val. “I thought she might put them online if she got mad at me.”

“That’s why I would never take naked pics” said Carol wisely. 

They got to the address and got out of the cab. It was a cave! “Let’s go get Artimys back!!!” shouted Carol. They didn’t have any weapons but they had a lot of big mussels so it was okay.

“HEELA!!!!!!” roared Carol busting into the cave. “Give is our girlfriend back you bitch!!!!!!”

Hela and Artimys were naked and cuddling together in front of the fireplace. “Hello” purred Hela “she’s not you’re girlfriend anymore she’s MINE now!”

“Artimys!” shrieked Val. “We’re here to rescue you!!!!”

“Go away” screamed Artimys. “You said you didn’t love me anymore! Hela lives me and I love her! I never want to see you again as long as I life!!!!!!”

Hela cackled evily. “You’re too late! She loves me now and she’ll never love you again!”

Carol flew over and punched Hela in the face hard. “Shut up bitch!!!!!!!!” she growled. Hela got up and stated fighting with her.

Meanwhile Val went to Artimys. “We never said we didn’t love you!” she said pulling out her phone and going to the video they made. “Watch this”

Artimys watched the video and glared her eyes. “Hela showed me a video where you said you didn’t love me anymore”

“No baby” Val said on the verg of tears “we’ll always love you.”

Meanwhile Carol and Hela were fighting. Hela was getting punched hard. “Stay away from us!!!!!!” screamed Carol giving her another black eye. Hela layed on the ground groaning in pain.

“Carol don’t kill her” Val said “I have called the police to come and take her away.”

“Fine” muttered Carol punching her in the nose one more time.

“How do I know your not lying” asked Artimys.

“Because we love you” Val said kissing her. And because it was true loves kiss it broke the love spell and Artimys remembered that she was in love with Bal and Carol and not Hela.

Artimys starter crying. “I’m sorry” she said “I let Hela take sexy pictures of me because I thought I was in love with her.”

“Its ok” said Carol coming over to kiss her too. “I think Hela put a love spell on you to make you fall in love with her. That’s not your fault.”

“She WHAT” hissed Val. 

“Dont worry I found it and got rid of the rest” said Carol. “She won’t be doing that ever again.”

Chapter 7 - all the good girls go to hell

They got on the plane to go home. “What will we go about the pictures?” Artumys asked scaredly.

“Don’t worry” Carol said soothingly. “I have an idea.”

When they landed Carol called Natasha. “Hi Natasha can you erase pictures from the internet?”

“Of course Carol, I have already done that. Right after Jela put them up I took them down. I also deleted them off the servers of everyone who downloaded them and I sent the FBI after them too. Everyone who saw them is going to jail.”

“Wow thank you” said Carol. “Your a great friend.”

“Anytime” said Natasha “I’m just glad you’re all back together.”

“See?” Said Carol as she hung up. “Narasha took card of everything.”

“I shouldn’t have take the pictures,” cried Artimys. “It was so slutty of me. When Hela said it it sounded like a good idea but I dont know what I was thinking!!!”

“Sash” whispered Val petting her hair. “Don’t cry baby it will be okat.”

“But I acted like a slut!!!!!” sobbed Artimys. “Only sluts take sexy pictures of themselfs!!!!!”

“It wasn’t your fault” said Carol. “Hela’s love spell made you stupid. She told you to take sexy pictures and you did because you thought you were in love with her.”

“I’m sorry!” cried Artimys. “I’m a terrible girlfriend. You should break up with me. I don’t deserve either of you!!!!!!”

Carol and Val looked at each other and then nodded. “We have a different idea” said Carol kneeling down and pulling a box out. 

“What??” gasped Artimys wipping tears off her eyes.

“Val and I have been thinking and we think it’s time to take the next step, and we want you to do it with us. Artimys, we love you and we will always love you no matter what. Will you marry us?”

Artimys cries happy tears and jumped into their arms. “Yes I will!!!!” she shirked with happiness.

Chapter 8 - I love You

It was a beautiful day outside. Inside the Air and Space museum Val Carol and Artimys were getting ready for the wedding in different rooms. Thor and Bruce were helping Val, Tony and Rhodey were helping Carol, and Natasha and Steve were helping Artimys.

“Are you nervous?” Asked Thor as he braided Val’s hair.

Val laughed. “No i’m happy Thor! I get to marry the loves of my life today.”

Meanwhile Carol was pacing back and forth. “You dont think Hela will try to crash the wedding do you?” she asked Tiny and Rhodey.

“No” said Tony “I have set up dozens of security cameras and robots around the museum. If they see her they will fire.”

Rhodey Pat her arm reassiringly. “She is in jail for seventy years. No way she will show up at the wedding.”

Meanwhile Steve and Natasha were helping Artimys get into her dress. It was huge Luke a wedding cake topper and covered in pretty blue and purple flowers that matched her eyes. “You look beautiful” said Batasha. “Val and Carol are so lucky.”

Artimys blushed. “Really?”

“Yes” said Steve. “Your the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen including my girlfriend Peggy (Sorry Peggy).”

In the main hall everyone was dressed fancy and waiting for the wedding to start. Nebula pushed play on the music and the wedding march started. Okoye waited at the alter because she was a prest in Wakanda and it counts in America too. 

Val came down the isle first wearing a sexy white suit and crying. She was in Thor’s arm. She wipped her years away when she got to the alter.

Carol came next holding Tony’s arm. Tony didn’t even make a joke because he knew this was serious.

Finally Artimys walked down the isle with Steve. Everyone whispered about how beautiful they all looked together. “Dearly bellved” said Okoye. “We are gathered here to marry these three women to each other. If anyone thinks they should not be married, speak now or forever hold your piece.”

The room was quiet. “Good” said Okoye. “Val North, do you take these women to be your wives to love and honor as long as you live?”

“I do” said Val starting to cry again.

“Carol Danvers do you take these women as tour wives to love and cherish as long as you live?”

“I do.”

“And Artimys Jones do you take these women to love and hold as long as you live?”

“I do”

“I know pronouns you wives. You may kiss!”

The room erupted in cheers as the three of them kissed. “I love you” whispered Artimys to her wives.

“We love you too” they said back before kissing her again.

[mo-ondial]

GUYS IM STILL FUCKING SCREAMIMG OVER HTTYD 3

i just. ah. AHH.!!..,??? !!! !!!! !!!!! czthgjbctigfyhxfuvchgxdyibgyub

i was eight when the first movie came out and i watched it so many fucking times, like. remember the guy that watched shrek in his head? I DID THAT. I KNEW EVERY LINE. I WOULD BE BORED SOMETIME AND JYST BE LIKE. where’d i press pause last time? oh RIGHT it was here, and i would continue. i had a piece of paper that had an order of which scenes went where and with that i could pull every scene out of my memory to watch. it was like a party trick, one time my father was like “hey come here” and he asked me to recite httyd and you fucking bet im like this. is berk. its twelve days north of hopeless and a few degrees south of freezing to death… another time hes just like “skip to scene 3” and fuck yea my eight year old ass goes ugh, the gods hate me. some people lose their knife in the mud... i drew shitty fanart. made up wild fanfiction in my head about elemental dragons. my FRIENDS were a part of my dragon stories i made up. i worked for WEEKS hand-sewing a stuffed toothless, with toothpick bones and attention to detail and i had an invisible pen with the light at the end that i put into it so that it would glow like he was shooting fire. i was fucking wild.

and then the series??? was amazing. i watched it every week. i NEVER let my parents delete it off the dvr. im not much of a tv person but i watched every episode so many times. the writing wasnt nearly as good but there was no stopping me i will stand behind the show with my life. remember heather?? heather was SO GOOD. 

now is when im really filling sketchbooks with dragons. i made and astrid cosplay, i made the bird skulls out of salt dough and accessories out of tin foil and took the time to crochet and wig that looked like a hat. 

and dont forget those specials... they were even worse i loved them.  and then??? the second movie and i was dying. there were so many episodes about stoic and he just.. i .. im .. no. not allowed. remember thornado??? gold. i was NOT ready. and his mom is?? wow. and?? hes OLD like, what???

small side track the second movie was when i got a toothless buildabear. now. i REALLY fucking wanted this thing for my ninth birthday when the first movie came out. and my sister told me that i was going to to get it!! wow!! so excited!! she said that they already got it and it was waiting in the basement for my birthday. turns out that wasnt true and i was sad that i didnt get one. they went out of stock and i didnt get my toothless because i dont like... say anything. really. so im telling this to my mom and she had no idea so you know what fucking happens when the second movie comes out and buildabear toothless is back? im fucking driving across town and accross ANOTHER town (our buildabear closed since) and marched into that shop full of children and i got myself the toothless that i wanted for seven years. he is bEAUTIFUL and VERY HUGGABLE. anyways

and then my sister and i are in my grandma’s guest bed over christmas and were going to watch netflix together and she’s just like “oh look theres a dragon thing?” oh word they got riders of berk on netflix? WAIT WHAT IS THIS

and then there was RACE TO THE EDGE and it was FANTASTIC! whenever a new season came out, always by total fucking surprise to me because the timing was kinda random and i never figured out where they announce releases, i spend a weekend watching everything and have a little dragon phase all over again because. theyre just. so good. starts out with hiccup... he’s gotta explore. its just his nature to explore and invent and do it all with his friends. and now he CAN and its just... wow. fuck. AND HEATHER CAME BACK I LOVE HEATHER!!! SHE WAS A MAIN CHARACTER FOR LIKE PRACTICALLY A WHOLE SEASON!!!! but she had to be alone again... what a girl. and that was a lot yall. six seasons is. a lot. so much more to explore and everyone changed so much and then just... the ending. the ENDING!!! you see alvin, ah, yes, remember alvin??? and POOR STOIC!!! the mourning we were missing from the second movie before it even happened... hiccups realizing his loyalty to berk is versus his need to explore. hes like his awesome hermit mom but hes also like his stubborn loyal dad. and i just CANT BELEIVE they. burned the dragon eye. that was it, that was the start to it all... how do you burn all of that amazing INFORMATION. all of it gone, because their enemies cant get their shit together. that was the end of exploring. the kids were growing up. they left the edge and thats just... its the edge. thats their home. how can you do this. fuck, it really is over. i cant get over it. 

and. now. the. THIRD MOVIE????? i went in fucking hiccup clothes, buildabear toothless in hand, and wow. okay so at first i was like “why u gotta give toothless a girlfriend? unnecesary” but it was actually perfect... she was wild. she represented toothless’ wild roots and that he had to return to it, he had a responsibility as the new alpha. next to eachother you really see how much toothless is just... domestic. with the narrowed eyes like first movie toothless, like... wow. WOW. yall remember the gift of the night fury and the isle of night and all of that about toothless having no one like him, but hiccup had no one like him so they were together. but hiccup did have people that were like him, people there for him, and toothless found people like him too...

and they referenced the show !!!! fishlegs made a dragon trading card the fucking nerd... you see all the dragons from drob and rtte!! smothering smokebreath was in one! we saw fireworm dragons! the glowing algae from the flightmare episode! and did you see hiccup’s toy!!! hiccup had his stuffed dragon in the flashback!!!! the one from his mother, the one that he was afraid of that years later trader (read:traitor) johan found in a fishing net! tuffnut said he’d been to two weddings. guys. he has. that one he mentioned where he got officiated and then when he officiated fishlegs and ruffnut’s accidental wedding. not to mention. RUFFNUT! holy fuck i loved that monolougue. i hate when ruffnut is treated as just an accesory to tuffnut and i was so happy to see this perfect scene, so perfectly ruffnut and totally herself and not to mention HILAIRIOUS. 

im just. fuck. FUCKKK!!!!! FUCK!! theyve been through so much... toothless was a part of his LIFE! without toothless hiccup wouldn’t be hiccup. without hiccup toothless wouldn’t be toothless. but people have to grow up. and that’s really the saddest part. toothless is now immortalized as a childhood dragon. it was a perfect, incredible, amazing childhood and absolutely everything became a piece of what hiccup became. he isn’t a kid anymore. hiccup is someone else. hiccup is someone who has a history, a past he might mention once of twice... of a different boy. someone who was a kid. a kid who loved his dragon and loved all dragons and all he wanted was to invent and to learn and to know and to connect people and make peace and save everyone and make a utopia. 

but now its over and im crying 

[justanotherdisappointment92]

Therapy call 7/1/22

Well, that didnt go as expected. I waited so much and so long for this phone call. And then. Ended up pouting for the first half. At least in the second half we managed some work.

Why did I pout? Couldnt quite get to the why, but man, am I good at that. I guess that was partly due to the break, and also.. it happened again. Once again I heard her words as cliches. Am i splitting? I dont usually do it like thid, but..

We talked about how it feels like the whole therapy is a scam, abd that i feel like she just humors me. She asked, do i really think she would commit to such a long therapy if that was true and she though of me as a class b citizen? Ouch! No. I guess i dont. But i dont at first see the link between the commitment and the class a/b thing. Haha. Yeah. Im confused. To be clear, it was me who said class b first, not her. I dont think she would ever use a term lke that. Just that, in my experiebce of my inability to work, i do often feel like im not worthy. Of anything really. Im smart, but what do i got to show for it? I let go of taking after my dreams when i was 15 and jyst too damn tired. Before that I was the smartest person in school. Is that really the point of life? Not probable. My T just wants me to be happy and content and have a richer experience of life.

[angelz1251]

💖Difference between the love of individualism v.s the love of a ship💖 (Fandom)

For all who thinks that I’d reblog Boruto: the Next Generations because of the fact that I love the pairings, well THINK AGAIN PEOPLE!!!! 😒😒😒

The only reason that I reblog them is because of the fact that maybe I still have love for characters regardless of who they’d married to (unfortunately) or that I so happen to only ship the only two couples in Boruto that happens to make sense of this whole mess. The only two couples that I love are: BoruSara and ChouKarui (shocking 😲)!!!!

I can still love Naruto, Sakura, Sasuke, Hinata, Kiba, Shikamaru, Ino, Temari, and Sai individually 😍😍😍 and can also have hate for NaruHina, SasuSaku, ShikaTema, InoSai, and KibaTama. 😠😠😠

I hated the way Naruto ended 😡😡😡. Its makes me want to throw up and I want to pull my hair out everytime I think about it. It makes me think of ways that I could just tell Kishimoto about much of a farce his work had become 😤😤😤. But there’s nothing I can do about it other than to use my imagination and read some fanfiction of my most favorite otps to keep me sane in the this crazy fandom world and keep moving forward. ��😅😅

On the bright side @ least he made one pairing in the end that came out great a.k.a ChouKarui. 😊😊😊

Also there’s another reason i reblog Boruto is because of the kids of Konoha 12. Their so cute and adorable that you couldn’t help to reblog them 😍😍😍.

I have one or two examples that I would love to explain about to you guys.

Example #1: I’d recently reblogged a pic that was so happen to be tagged as SasuSaku (😡😡😡), it was when Sasuke was leaving the village again and Sarada and Sakura was @ the gate to see him off. Just because I’d reblog it doesn’t mean that that I’m a SasuSaku fan 😤😤😤. I’d reblog them because (a.) Sasuke hugging Sarada, genuinely smiling at Sarada and poked her on her forehead and said that he will see her next time, (b.) Sarada was blushing and smiling and was looking absolutely adorable 😍😍😍, and (c.) Sakura was also smiling and blushing @ the fact that she was happy that she watched Sarada and Sasuke bonding even though it was short. 😊😊😊

Example #2: I reblogged a NaruHina post (😵😵😵) about when the family was at home whereas Boruto and Himawari was sleeping in the chair in the dining room w/ Himawari’s pink stuffed panda bear. Once again jyst because I reblog it doesn’t make me a NaruHina fan. I reblog it because (a.) I thought Boruto and Hinawari look sooo cute and adorable when they’re sleeping together in the chair, (b.) Hinata looks great and happy when she’s looking after the kids, and (c.) Naruto will always be my #1 character no matter who he marries. 😍😍😍

See!!!! I’d explained my reasons for reblogging my anti pairings and once again I’d reblog because of the uniqueness of the characters that I find very funny and individuality of each one of them and I’m happy that I did too. 😊😊😊

One more thing, I also love the rivalry between Boruto and Sarada 😀😀😀. They’re so cute together and they will always have a special place in my heart 😁😁😁. I especially love the interactions between Sarada, Sakura and Naruto 😍😍😍. I will always reblog when Sarada is either w/ ChoCho, Sakura, Boruto, or Naruto. I’m really that Sarada wants to be Hokage somedayband also love that shes looks up Naruto like he’s her second father to her. Naruto is such a great inspiration to Sarada that its almost exciting what the future holds for them two 😄😄😄. Also I reblog them because of how beautiful and gorgeous the animation is too. 😆😆😆

There u have it!!!! This post is for all think otherwise. ☺☺☺

See u next time!!!! 😇😇😇😇😇😇😇😇😇😇😇😇😇😇

[jadeartist123]

Change happens in an Instant. A Helga g. Pataki

Story. Chapter 1

Helga 4 years old....

She was walking alone in the rain on her way to preschool. Her lunch box empty and covered in mud. She was so cold but wanted to get to school. Her parents yet again only seemed to care about Olga and her wonderfulness. Maybe school will be better. Of there's someone getting out of the car. A small boy was standing next to her. Why?

"You looked like you needed the umbrella" he said with the most amazing smile. " I like your bow." He gave her his umbrella and walked into the school. She shook off the mud and just stared at him through the doors. This phenomenal feeling. What is it she wondered. Is this what love?... Love should feel like? It was so warm and happy, not like her home cold and lonely. Maybe I'll follow him for a while she thought.........

Helga 8 years old....

She just couldn't be nice could she. Nope had to be mean. Oh why oh why did she care what others thought when she could just tell that beautiful football head how she loved him. Nonono he wasn't ready for tht. Even at 8 she knew her love was abnormal. She shouldn't feel as strong for a boy as she does but we'll as the years progressed want Olga stayed less and less time at home now that she was in high school, Miriam drank her "smoothies " more and Bob was always at work or watching tv with beer. Much preferred to the nights he come home and her parental units would argue all night leaving a destroyed living room snd kitchen and yet again no food for Helga to make lunch or dinner . Her stomach gurgled Or breakfast. She was getting real tired of always asking pheobe to ask

Her mom to make an extra Pb and j sandwich but pheobes mom just thought she was growing . Pheobe offered to get her to stay over at least 4 times a week but they had to always eventually be just their family and she would return to her house. It wasn't even a real home but it did hold all her treasures from her beloved and her shrines. Only reason she even went there anymore....... man she was tired and it was only morning recess. Pretending to hate everyone and arnold and being hungry all the time was just becoming a bit much for her. ...

Ring ring ring

There was the bell and there was pheobe waving her over. Time to put the charade back on.......

Helga 11 years old.......

Well she had confessed to arnold and they chose to ignore it.... just the way she wanted it. Boobs business was booming which made to happy so no more locking her door at night when he was drunk and had a rough day a d took it out of everything. She at least wasn't hungry, just scared. Talking to hrper therapist helped but even with pheobe and everyone being more friendly towards her... She was scared to let her walls down. Miriam had been acting weird as well. She had ice in her hand this morning and refused to look her daughter in the eye today.... Helga had a suspicion what was going on but.... just too much going on with saving the neighborhood and kissing... Oh kissing her beloved with a full real kiss instead of that lifeguard saving for or a fake play kiss but a real feel his lips mold to hers kiss.... Maybe life would turn around after this......

Helga age 12......

Rain was pouring, it was thundering and Helga was in an alley in a box... Oh how her year had changed.. She finally was HAPPY. REALLY HAPPY.Arnold and her were kinda of dating and he had his parents back.. but only 2 months after San Lorenzo, Miriam left Bob for good. She had had enough of his beatings and just left. She didnt leave a note or nothing. Olga found out and stopoed talking to bob and helga who had no choice but to stay with her dad. Bob lost all his business and now worked at an apple store as a csr They lived in a crummy apartment and she couldn't go see her therapist anymore. Bob couldn't afford it. As the months progressed he jyst seemed to get angrier and angrier. He destroyed the apartment at least three times but Helga just stayed in her room. She never worried too much since arnold was there and Gerald and pheobe. But it all changed a month ago. Bob was immensely drunk as Helga made dinner one night

[rishi-aesthetics-blog]

U N T I T L E D

It really sucks being in a place where i have no connections, no money, and nowhere to go to do drugs. Even the simolest of things like weed would make me happy at this point because at least i could sleep this fucking feeling off. I really hate feeling so useless and having no energy because im so fucking sad and loath myself so much. Nothing i do can male my life any better. Not the job i have, not the place i live, not traveling, nothing can make me happy. Im fucking useless and im at a dead end. Taking old perscription seroquel just to have a drug induced feeling is the only thing i have. And it doesnt make me happy. It doesnt make me sad. It doesnt do anything but make me sleep. I want something thats going to make me feel. I cant fucking drink because i always end up black out drunk puking trying to fight someone, crying to someone beghing them for help. Yet no one wants to help. I feel so sloppy and i hate it. I just wanna feel happy, even a come down, when i feel sad like i want to die, at least i put in a little more effort to my feelings. I have no connections to anything in this fucking town. I have no clue where to go to find any good shit anyways and im not getting played for my money. Money i dont even have yet. I sit here all day and casually talk about drugs and such to the people i live with, they never thing anything of it. Besides the fact that im an idiot. I call out for help for me being suicidal and yet no one wants to fucking help me they just say "well what do you want me to do?" I have to use every ounce of strength in my body not to beat the shit out of them. I have to use all of the will power i have not to jyst start fucking people for drugs. I dont want to be in that place, i dont want to do those things. I already dont like sex as much as it is, i dont want to have to constantly do it just to get high. Not only that but i really do think i am falling in love with my s/o and i wouldnt want to do that to them. Maybe when i move ill have more access to drugs, but everyone that got me started on this shit is all of the sudden theyre trying to stop. Good for them but holy hell i feel so selfish when i say it but fuck i want to be able to twak out with my friends the way we have been the past couple of months. My s/o used to be addicted really really bad to amphetamines. I feel so shitty for bringing it up to them when i want to talk about it, because i feel like i might make them relapse. And theyve done so good that i know of, i dont want to ruin their life again. But i feel like the only way i can prevent that is to not be with them, because i know the path im going down. I know im already starting to think about it cinstantly and wishing i had it all of the time its never off my brain its something i never dont want to feel. And as aweful as it sounds, I need it so i dont fucking kill myself. Its been about two years since i tried to kill myself last, about a year or so since i last carved myself. And i think im well over due, thats the fucking scary part. I didnt fucking expect to live this long and now that i have? What the fuck is the point of continuing? Is there ever a fucking point? Why should i force myself to keep living and being sad? I want to travel, but i know when i travel im going to end up getting head in ass addicted, and i dont know how aweful my come downs will be when i have to stop. I dont know if i will ever actually stop until im dead. I want to live life happy, and if i cant do that i might as well die. I know when i travel i would want to bring my s/o with me. Last time i traveled with a s/o i just ended up hurting my best friend. I dont ever want to hurt the people i love. I also dont want to force them to be around me while im twacked out all of the time because i know itll just end up making them relapse. This doesnt end well for anyone, and by this i mean me being alive. Im only going to constantly hurt the people i love in various ways. Im a toxic person and no one needs to be around me.

[illuvacot]

its like i glance at him a bit much before bc we look at our teacher so we face each other and glance a lot and then i noticed we did then i would glance at him again to see if it makes it uncomfortable but it just results in even more glancing so it becomes weird and now iits worse worse worse i dont want hin to think me ab ad person please if he just thinks im weird or something like that i'd b so happy please please please let it jyst b that im weird please

[jordyx1000]

Scorpion Mouth. Celebrating the Inner Self - Exist.

Whoa, How do you start a conversation with yourself. Something you haven't had in a long time. I firstly, get some tobacco and turn on Spotify. Hold on.

The Date: October 28th. 2017. I haven't touched this thing, since the last time I felt alone. Notice how I say feel? I am completely not alone, I have you. You are hearing my mind right now, through my fingers, transcribed to a monitor. Through your eyes, the light shines. Receptors balance the emotions, context. They bend your muscles, in accordance, you have a reciprocated attack. What happened to me this year. Well, for starters, I got honorably discharged from the navy. I Served 8 solid years. Loved, hated it...just like everything else I suppose. I reluctantly got home. I didn't want to go “home”. In my mind, my family needed it more then I did. I felt like I returned for them. With my selfishness aside, oh selfishness, what have you done. We will talk about you later. Noone knows the true meaning of starting over, until you literally start over in a new world. That is what it felt like. What is the first thing you do, when you return, try and adapt, survey the land...analyze the roads to which you will be traveling soon. Try and remember everything, tips and tricks. Reconnect with the people who said that they wish you were back home. Of course that novelty wears off, “the new guy” suddenly becomes the same guy, just years later. That is fine, that is expected, that is life. That was my life for years and years.  What do you do for work? Man, I basically just milked my funds, lived off the land. Traveled, reconnect, travel, reconnect. Months. Then reality sets in, you become apart of the machine and meld into the landscape. This isn't why I came here though, to talk about life. Or the normality of life. The things that everyone goes through. 

I came here for the end. The opposite of life. Death. The death, the rot, the muscle spasm-twitch, eyes roll back, decomposition. I came here to talk to you about what its like to watch something die. I wanna talk about CPR, breathing in, out, watching the lungs fill and shrink. Watching the skin start to fade in color. The tears, the constant overwhelming feeling of watching something you love, fade into the unknown. The future of life. but the death of it at the same time. Such a weird paradox to me, to think, something can die, and become unknown, within the actually living to die, and fade to the unknown.

I wandered a bit. In the darkness. To me at that point, it wasn't dark. Looking back, it was very dark. Something really weird happened to me. Randomly, it makes me so sick at how random it was. I guess I will start with the real reason I came here.

Sometime in May, I met the love of my life. I say that with a lot of weight, I knew from the very second I met her, I loved her. She moved, so beautifully. But with a slight anger, a slight badass blend. It wasn't like I was looking at a golden angel, wings spread. It was like I was watching a real, raw, human, skin and all. It didn't take long for me to realize, she has a lot of darkness in her. I liked that, in a sick way. I love the idea, of someone spilling their guts about how raw life can be. The true feelings. Not some tv show, not staged. Just raw. My life, was dark, but it wasn't that dark. My problems were normal problems. She had a baby, only a month old. I didn't like the idea at first, I probably expressed that in an ackward way. I actually was very wary about it. To the point, where I would contemplate texting her. Up until this point, it was a deal breaker. Something about her drew me in, I could write words all day to the feeling I felt, but I sincerely cant. I am not skilled enough to draw up human emotions like that. I decided very early on, that I would try and do everything I could, to build her spirits. Like a fucked up project. That I loved. So fucking much. Just to talk about things, life, real fucking life.  I knew about a week in, she had a drinking problem. The subject of anxiety was brought up, played off, you know. Noone wants to overload someone with so many different things like that. It is scary, I know I wouldn't. In my head, I knew she was taking pills and drinking. I just didn't want to think it was an issue. I just buried it. I should have left that first week though, that concert was horrible. Some of the worst times ive ever had. Completely lost control of my situation. I don't think I ever fully recovered from that. I just buried it

We would go on walks, and talk about life. One subject in particular was the subject of her daughter, the creation of her daughter, and the future. Where was her dad? I remember vividly thinking, she probably doesn't want him in her life, and he wants too. I couldn't imagine being a new dad, and not seeing my kid. This isn't the 70′s. You don't want to perceived as a douche bag via social media. That can ruin your social standing. with life. In my head I knew he wanted to be in the picture. I also remember her, telling me, he wants nothing to do with her. I said, “So what happens when he gets alittle bit older”. Of course, the natural defense, she says, “Noway, he is a fuck”. Probably alittle more summarized, but you get the jyst, I had a full adult conversation, unselfishly delving deeper into her mind about it. Ha, selfish. I remember you. I'm going to take a break for a second. Before I get into the meat, the heavy, darkness that ensues. 

Ok, I am back. the time 8:20 pm.

I don't edit. I don't reread. So I apologize completely. I feel like all that nonsense, takes away from what really matters. What is my perception. What is my vision of the world around me. I am not trying to be biased, or sway judgement, I promise to be 100% fair and just.

I get it, so far you probably feel like something was wrong with me for dealing with the little stuff, if I felt so weird about it. There was something wrong with me, and it wasn't her. So far from her. I wasn't using her darkness to feel better about myself. I wish I could, at not one point did I feel like I was capable of feeling good about myself. I dated a girl, for three years, a hard 3 years. Just two people, trying to figure out life. It ended weirdly, so in my mind, I knew there were things I needed to change.  I was depressed. So depressed. The reasons I came home, for being there for my family, turned quickly into realizing, I wasn't really needed here. I could have went anywhere, and everything would have been just fine. That set in so hard. To fully understand you weren't as needed as you thought you were going to be. But I am grown, for seconds in the week, it would flash flood my mind, and as quickly as it was there, it was gone. For split seconds, I would let myself revert back into that mode. I wasn't doing anything, just thinking, no friends to keep my mind off of the shit. I miss that aspect so badly. That got me through everything, someone saying something stupid to laugh at. Someone going through something difficult to make you realize its not so bad.

Wow, this song. “You stay above me forever, like you stay above me now”

Dear in the headlights. Midwestern Dirt. Fucking crazy I'm hearing this. Music helped me, it helped me and her. not once did we hate each other through the music. You cannot lose that. I realize that now. When you love something, you hold it tightly.  I wouldn't say I am a romantic person. I love seeing the girl I'm with happy. I do have this jealousy problem, where I get annoyed when someone else makes my girl happier then I do. I guess, I don't get upset that she is happy, I get upset with myself that I didn't blow that shit out the water and make her happier. Does that make me psychotic? is that normal? How do you google that to see. I never would want something bad to happen to anyone. But sometimes, I do wish things that have happened to me, that they have caused, would happen to them. I guess that's fucked up.

She wasn't a bad person, she isn't a bad person. She was going through a lot of things. I thought I was badass, I thought I was gonna be able to take care of all this shit. My dude hands. handling business. But you slowly realize, no matter how much you have helped people in your life, sometimes, you don't know all of the answers. The biggest problem I have in my life, is getting frustrated that I cannot fix things. I have heard so many times in my life “slow down” “take a breath”. I get frustrated. Panicked. Nervous. annoyed. That whole aspect stretched from making breakfast, to talking to the one you love. It fucked me up. in the end. You don't really grasp it. Until you write it down. When so many things pile up, before you can fix the first instance, it gets out of hand to me. melt down. I say things I don't mean out of frustration. anger. I wish it was something anger management could help with, but I have to much pride to think I cant fix something on my own. How do you even start? Ok break time. 8:40pm

841pm I was thinking again. The direction. The timeline. A few weeks of us hanging out, the news came. Ol’ Boy wants a bit of custody with his daughter. She was in tears. Devestated. I didn't console enough, I knew this day was going to come. No dude, in his right mind wants to not see something he created. I don't care who you are. I remember hearing again, how much of a piece of shit he was for this. I defended him, and remember vividly, getting scolded. taking his side. That conversation was brought up a number of times as an “arguemenet” I created. Sincerely trying to be rational, and reasonable. That isn't what you do to a girl, going through that I thought. She is right, she needs me to defend her, talk shit about him. I just couldn't do it. 8:45pm

851pm This is amazing. The feeling, of talking without worrying about what the fuck I say. 

I want to take it back to the best seconds of our connection. I remember standing in that room. Her baby, in her arms. I just held her for the first time, my girl loved it. I remember so clearly her eyes, they were filled with desire. We never did anything but hug before then, I was scared beyond belief. Never once in my life, have I been worried about a physical connection. She needed it, I needed it, the icing on the cake for us. The third arm to this perfect triangle. I hesitated. And failed. Stupid. I feel like we already did, I felt like we made the most beautiful love through our eyes. All the feeling that comes from it, was there, we both knew it. All but the physical sensation, that mentality never left. Months later, we still made love like that. Passionate. Through the eyes. It wasn't two people trying to be in a porno, it was two people so connected. I don't think I could top that, as sad as it is. That third arm. It was there, 33% of our relationship was perfect. flawless. I remember slowly going outside with her, laying down on that blanket. Commiting myself to a literal perfect existence. If there was a good version of selling your soul to the devil, that is what I felt. I completed a part of life that day. feeling the heaviest amount of passion, I have ever felt. 8:57pm

9:06pm Ok, Yah, that was amazing. Still think about that time everyday. That was the sole memory that kept me alive. Mentally. You couldn't top it. Something out of a movie. I felt smooth, sauve, but it was just us, together, full of passion. That doesn't happen to everyone. I am blessed I got to feel that. She was drinking those days. I was being unsupportive. I didn't understand the problem until recently. Right before mediation actually. When we talked. She was freaking out, didn't ask me how my day was, just completely went on this rant about how her therapist wouldn't talk to her. I didn't realize the significance, until that point. I am incredibly ashamed that I didn't. I knew it was a problem, but didn't grasp it. Sometimes I stay ignorant by choice. Complaining about everything you think is shit, doesn't do anything. Sometimes just keeping it locked away, works. it didn't for this. not at all. I didn't grow up in a home where therapy was “needed”, although looking back, it would have helped...and I probably wouldn't be writing about all this now. I failed her in that sense, not understanding enough. it isn't that I didn't want to, it is just the complete unknown. It doesn't register to me, as something that needs to be addressed, because I lived a whole life without hearing about it. I don't consider that being selfish, not once did I feel like I was better then her. Not once did I feel like I had no problems, even though I was told I thought I was flawless. Told I need to look in the mirror. I guess you could read these, and understand I looked in the mirror a lot. Not many dudes, almost 30, take the time on their Saturday night to write on tumble. not a lot of dudes are as intune to their minds and how things work like I am. I am by no means saying I am better then them, I'm just saying I have tried my hardest to understand. whether it is right or wrong. I have tried...so fucking hard. I don't blame her for her addiction, I asked if it was an addiction early on. I was told it wasn't. I couldn't play ignorant. Another instance where I wasn't making my girl happier then what her pills make her. That is really fucking sad to me. And when I cant fix something, I lose my cool. Ive known that forever. I'm not saying she is the cause, I am just saying, for the first time in my life, I'm talking with someone who amps me up to the point where I am hurting someones feelings. I would never physically hurt anyone. I would never tell someone they are good for nothing. I would never tell someone to kill themselves. I would, and did, tell someone they are weak. The saddest moment in my life. To judge someone, based on their own encounters. Fucked up. I regreted that conversation, from the beginning. I remember asking her to stop taking medicine, or don't talk to me. Why? Was that selfish? To want someone to get better? I am at a stand still with understanding that. 9:17

9:31pm I always why we never did anything creative together. I know we both wanted too. Collaborate. Do something amazing. Apart of me thought, she is just going through too much right now, the last thing she wants to do is stretch her already stretched mind. It is intimidating, knowing someone is going through so much. The balance, the middle ground. Of course, of fucking course, I do some fucked shit and say something I don't mean, and that careful tight rope that I delicately tried to balance, begins to rattle and shake. “Don't do that again, you are going to kill us.” I like to think, no one rememebers the good steps of the tight rope, only the sections where your life is in danger. Even though, your life stays constantly in danger. you don't say, “Well I almost died, but those first good steps were so good”. That isn't the human way. We automatically lash out at the chance. You didn't died, but you almost did. ontop of almost dying just by walking acrossed it in the first place. Those kind of thoughts, goon me up. 9:35pm

9:36.

Am I a monster? Jordon surrey, are you a fucking monster. Are you a menace. A psychotic, sociopath?

I keep writing the times. I save it, and then take a second to breath. turn to a different song. This is the most ive written in one session in years and years. I remember when my mom put a word processor in my room. I would write stories. “They gotta make a movie about this”. I wish I still had those. I couldn't imagine what they would say. Kids are lucky, or is that lucky? So have everything you have ever written saved? My ex girlfriend of 3 years came into the picture pretty quickly. Those messeges were saved. Every conversation we ever had. The girl I was with, she read them. What does that do to the dynamic? she has you figured out? Comparing you now, to the you then. without any sort of context but words you wrote. She judged me on those. That was a dark feeling to me. So vunerable, and yet so misunderstood. I don't want to talk about that anymore. It shouldn't have happened. I don't think its selfish to be upset with that, those are not conversations like this. This is pure, mental, public, words. Those were between two people, who were on an unimaginable plane of existence. You cant look at those, and compare. They mean nothing out of context. I speak my mind, me and her, we didn't have the passion me and this girl did. it wasn't the same, but it was what I knew. for years and years. it takes a minute to realize that isn't the girl you were talking to. You wont ever know who that girl was, and that is the saddest part. 942pm

946

I don't really know, if I am a monster. Or what we be happening right now if things were different. If I handled things differently. The main issues were still there. I think if the timeline didn't play out, I think she would still be drinking. Or maybe not, maybe she drank because of me. I hate bringing up the fact she drank, because who the fuck cares. She can drink? it is her body. it is her life. if she wants to do that, she can. If I didn't know her, I wouldn't give a fuck less if she drank. I hated it. I despised when she drank. It was so unattractive to me. It is like holding, the perfect red, shiny apple. Such a great shape. Smell. You want to bite it. But then you turn it around...and its rotten. You have to eat around it...but you cant get close...you don't want that shit even near to your mouth. You had to address that It was there, had to try and get rid of it. Digging it the fuck out. layer by layer, until you hit the core. I knew it was an issue. it was clear as day. Not as clear as my own issues, but it was something that needed to be addressed. I cant remember an argument not consisting of drinking. Such a waste of a good apple. Was that selfish of me? to want to get rid of the rot? Before I bite it, love it, consume it? I don't know.  I miss the good times so much. Half way through these months, I realized we were going to get married. Like come on!? I...Jordon surrey, wanted to marry someone. not just say it, not just express it...but need it. Desire it more then anything. What the fuck?!?!? Life is fucked. The death consumes. I have to take a break, before I talk about what is really wrong with me. What I did wrong. 9:45pm

The day comes. Everything is in full effect. The babies father is back in the picture. I'm at work. I get a call after saying that everything went good. he is coming back to the house, and that she knows I'm probably not gonna feel good about it. I don't. Who would. The most secure person, would be insecure about having the babies father in the picture. Especially remembering back to that first kiss. the first time we locked eyes and made mental love. the baby was right there. she was with us. My time was consumed with making sure my girls life wasn't flipped upside down. and instead of hers being flipped upside down, mine was. The father is given the fucking right, to see and be there for his daughter. there is no doubt about that. That is something that has to fucking happen. and to be even slightly upset for him given that chance is bullshit. He deserves it. It dick, created that child. Just as much as her vagina did. He deserves to see his baby girl. But yet, I still remain upset? I can sort through everything in my head, and avoid the anger being about him getting to be there for his daughter. That isn't my place, to take his place. I helped while he was away. I knew he was coming, and the baby needed a father. Yah, I didn't do enough for her, in the sense. I gave everyone space. Because I knew he was coming back. The only thing that sticks into my head, about the anger. Is the fact that, I know nothing about him, besides the negative shit ive heard. I know he was a drug head. Drunk. unsupportive, child. stupid. couldn't spell. didn't like good music. fake. And boom, he is here. I understand the biase. I understand she will talk shit about him. But I don't understand, why everyone gets to learn about him but me. The only one who fucking supported him seeing his fucking daughter. is that selfish? I don't fucking know. but it makes my eyes well up...just thinking about it. I wish I could shake his fucking hand. and tell him I had his fucking back since the start. jesus fucking Christ. I'm so sorry dude. ive met dudes, who didn't get to see there kids for months after they were born...crying. devastated. sad. I couldn't imagine. I got to take a break. 1007

1010

I want to start this by talking about my insecurities. I know her. I know her desire for a normal family. What would be the easiest way for that baby to be happy. If the bio mom and dad....hashed it out. got it together. and started fresh. I feel like a lot of the anger towards me, is coming from this fact. I was justifiably upset. I can be upset. I was allowed no contact with my girlfriend while she is with him. While he is learning to do the things I did. It is a strange society to think that is how shit works. I was starting to feel like this idea of me being a piece of shit, unsupportive person, was to take me out of the picture so she could start fresh with a guy. she stopped drinking. he stopped doing pills. wasn't that the problem? he probably doesn't even know she was in a relationship. It sounds to me, everyone is doing a lot better then they were a year ago. It also sounds to me, that I am abusive, controlling, inconsiderate, unsupportive, selfish. when I have done nothing but put myself into a position where I had to be for months and months. you couldn't function without those things, and I did up until the very day he came back. the very day she saw him for the first time in a year. This is just me talking through my mind. not once am I saying this is what actually is happening. I am clueless. I am just building a text wall based on the thoughts I have. nothing to sway my emotions any other way right now. just pure feeling. 1016

1020

I went to her house the day after he was there for the first time. Clear head. Just wanted to apologize for lashing out, telling her she brought darkness into my life. She did. but she also brought a lot of happiness that to me, weighed out the vibration on the tight rope. I spent about two hours, just playing with the baby. I wanted to take my girl out, do something, go somewhere to breath. get out of the house. we got around to it. and got our things together and left. When we started driving, of course, the father was brought up. she said she thinks it would help if I had a say in trying to decide the days. That had nothing to do with me, I appreciated the gesture, but I am quick to tell someone when I don't think I need that, if I don't need it. That is there plan, that is what parenting time is for. Nothing else. Hashing out the details of how their daughter is going to be taken care of. Learning how to take care of his daughter without the mom there. by himself. I just made the point, that I didn't understand why I couldn't meet him. Why I couldn't meet the dude who has been taking care of the baby that ive been a placeholder for. Yah that's a strong way to put it, I get it, I wouldn't have been a placeholder...I would have been her dad too. In the spur of things, I didn't put it out like that, she snapped, told me she was sick of dealing with two grown ass dudes acting like babies. I kept my mouth shut. She still is talking, god, she never stopped. I was driving back to her house, and she knew that. she knew talking about it still, was just going to make me realize she needs space. So I kept driving her home, pulled in, she was still talking. I sat there, calm. didn't say a word. just followed my breathing. She got out, I snapped for a second, and told her “have fun with a pill head”. Stupid. I went to my edge again, come on man. You had it going so well, just shut your mouth. If she would have been like, “you didn't say anything, I'm mad at you’ she wouldn't have said “you said something so I'm mad at you”. The tight rope was shaking, violently, the walk to that point didn't matter. The fact that I wanted to take her, and do something productive didn't matter. The fact that I didn't say what she wanted me to say, made me selfish. Was I selfish that day? I don't know. 1028

1029 Why does this all upset me. It doesn't really. It is ecpected, when human emotions are fucked with, anything can happen. This isn't a Hollywood movie, where couples jump in the rain after a good solid dinner. It is real life, real problems. I will be the first one two admit. My scorpion mouth fucked shit. Learning how to deal with someone is what it is all about. She couldn't deal with me, so she turned her head. I am realistic, if she has these thoughts about me, nothing I can say will change that. If she wants to think I am a burden, nothing will change that. I am a grown adult, despite what she wants to believe. It isn't hard to say that she could find someone else. Not me, not him, just someone else who fits her better, who is less of a stress to figure out. If it gets to the point where someone doesn't have enough to offer, then move on. It is 2017. People can come and go, easy if you let them. She was worth it to me, but it was impossible for me to stop the vibrating. The shaking near death. My balance wasn't perfect, but it was great. Given the worn rope I walked. I can deal with the hardest punches. I can forgive. I can let go. If I have without a reason of a doubt, that someone doesn't want me around them, I leave. I left a lot with her. A lot of times, it was because she kept drinking. Yah, she didn't say she didn't want me around, but I hated it so much, I felt like she was doing it on purpose to get rid of me. Lately, ive looked into her eyes, and it goes somewhere else. Something else is taking the time. Something else is consuming her. It used to be me. But I became selfish, or atleast I have always been. Have I? what if I never met her. what if we never met, would she still think I was selfish. Would the dude she would be with, be selfish? is everyone alittle bit selfish. of course. Did I intentionally destroy us because that's what I wanted. Did I selfishly kill us? because I needed it? I don't know. I think she thinks, I did it on purpose. with how much she tells me how selfish I am. Was I selfish when I held her baby? Was that for me? did I just want to hold a baby? was I selfish when I talked to her, about everything, when I gave my input. could I have just hung up, or walked away? Could I be selfish now, if I still need her? is that selfish? do I just fuck shit up, to try it again. out of selfishness. Or am I trying? am I being given shit, and working with what I have? is that selfish, so work with what you have?1038

Does the sound of my voice, hurt her so much. Is it worth it to cut someone out? It is if you are not benefiting. Do I not benefit her? Today, she decided I didn't. And that is ok. That is life. You cannot please everyone. They sometimes think you are not trying. and then end up writing a novel. This is by no means, everything. These are just the things that shake my rope. I will continue this tomorrow. The longer I write, the more I miss her. And that doesn't do me any good anymore. The more time that passes, with us like this, the more these things wont matter to her. the more I wont matter to her. And that is fine, if she is happy. then her baby is happy. and that is life. ill be back.

To comprehend In the middle of the night To break a mood Without tearing up my spine The lights dim On my glow How will I move When this sun sets How will I move When the lights go out Without, My glow I cant shut my mouth, When my mind moves, I cant sleep at night, Without your sprawling roots but that is selfish, I saw her grinding teeth on a rusting spoon She is red, she is ready You danced around with no bones You say it always You did it always. I know, You were in love You said it always, You said it always,

My glow.

1047