#i just woke up trying not to cry
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i just had a dream where everyone I'd meet said they hate me but they'd never stop
is that. my inner monologue. (it seems I've fallen off the path)
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When Senshi was young in the dungeon the majority of the adults he were with ostracized him. All except Gillin, who died to make sure Senshi had something to eat: unseasoned boiled meat that may or may not have been one of their comrades.
It really puts into perspective why he was so nurturing towards Chilchuck. When Chil reveals he’s 28 to the party, Senshi responds by telling him that he thought he was older. Senshi was in his 30s when he and his comrades got trapped in the dungeon, so it’s safe to assume that he thought Chil was at a similar age.
He met a young boy who was, from his perspective, forced to do dangerous work in the dungeon just like he was, and so, Senshi made an effort to look after Chilchuck in the same way Gillin looked after him.
Mind you, when Senshi was young in the dungeon he had to starve for weeks, eat the horse he loved, and finish it off spending the next i don’t know how many years wondering if he committed cannibalism.
Senshi understands first hand the value of nutrition and proper eating, so when he’s with the party he makes an effort to make sure they’re all eating a full and balanced diet. Not only that, but Senshi INVOLVES them in the process of getting food to eat, always preparing it in front of them and narrating every ingredient in the process so that there’s no doubt about what they’re eating.
#i woke up in the middle of the night to write this and haven’t proof read so i seriously hope it’s coherent lmaoooo#dungeon meshi spoilers#delicious in dungeon spoilers#senshi#dungeon meshi#everyone jokes about senshi giving chilchuck the talk but he’s literally just trying to take care of a young boy who needs help#i’m crying#and sobbing#and punching the air
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dreamt about oplita and woke up crying from happiness and cuteness
#OH MY GOD#I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO EXPLAIN IT#IN MY DREAM I WAS WATCHING TFONE#AND THEY HAD A REUNION SCENE POST MEGATRON AND OP FIGHT#like atp elita doesn't know he's alive YES SHE STILL TRIED TO GO AFTER HIM#idk where the fight w/ megs happened but it wasn't in the main area because ELITA WAS LOWKEY A MESS PANICKING WITH BEE#Like girly was about to cry because to her she has no idea if this fucking thing is alive#(fjskdhsh i think op and megs fought else where while b + e helped out the citizens outside the tower)#BUT THEN!!! someone goes “orion pax/optimus prime” (yh both got said) AND OP CAN BE SEEN DRIVING UP TO LIKE THE FRONT OF THE TOWER#AND YALL WHEN I TELL YOU THEY RAN#THEY RAN TO EACH OTHER SO HARD#they were crying I woke up crying everyone was crying#THEY HUGGED EACHOTHER SO HARD AND FOR SO LONG THEY BASICALLY BECAME ONE#THE ENTIRE WORLD AROUND THEM MELTED ALWAY AND THEY JUST HUGGED AND HELD EACH OTHER#UGHHHHH IT WAS SO SWEET#SHE HAD THE *CUTEST* SMILE WHEN SHE SAW HIM it was so sappy she was so happy to see him#YALL 😭😭😭😭😭#my explanation of this can't do it justice I might have to draw or at least sketch this#the thing is I was constantly trying to take screenshots in my dream like I do when I actually watch smth elita#like it was accurate!#oh man#transformers#elita one#elita 1#transformers one#tf one#tf one elita#optimus prime#orion pax#tf one orion pax
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age of calamity prompt: mipha and link post water & fire mission? 👀
With all his strength, training, and the benefits of youth, there were few times Link truly ever felt absolutely exhausted. It had happened far more frequently in the last year, what with all the monster attacks making everyone feel like they were in all out war.
But now that war had actually arrived, Link learned a new level of exhaustion, born from a worry so deep in his heart and soul that he didn’t even know what to do with it.
When Ganon had taken control of all the technology they’d worked so hard to learn and utilize, it had been such a defilement that Link’s blood had boiled with rage while his heart froze with fear. His, Zelda’s, and Impa’s determination helped them push through, of course, and he’d hardly had time to truly register any of his emotions once they’d started moving once more.
He remembered the heart stopping terror as the initial realization hit him though. He remembered feeling his breath utterly stolen away in a dread, a knowledge that the capital was falling, he and Zelda were in danger, his family was in danger, the Champions were trapped—that Mipha was trapped, and, for one moment, he thought he was absolutely powerless to do anything about it.
But he wasn’t powerless. They’d gotten there in time, they’d saved Mipha.
But it had been close. Hylia, it had been close. She’d looked absolutely exhausted - if it hadn’t been for Terrako’s magic, for that man—Sidon, he reminded himself, marveling at how the little fledgling could turn into such a massive Zora—then Mipha would have… would have…
She’d barely had the words to even acknowledge him when he’d finally gotten there. And he’d had to rush off to save Daruk as well.
Now that all the Champions were safe, Link felt himself on the verge of collapse. Zelda was trying to rest, instead worrying and mourning. Link felt awful for her - despite all the lives they’d saved, after all, she’d still lost her father. Link’s own father had barely escaped Castle Town and was recovering.
But now their friends were together once more, Divine Beasts ready for a counterattack. They were all impatient to do so much, to fight back now, even Link, willing to push through his exhaustion and end this.
There was no way they could fight right at this moment, though. Even Link couldn’t. But what he did want to do was check on Mipha. He’d been with Zelda, trying to keep her company, and with his father, but his heart was aching and worrying for the Zora princess as well.
After all she was… she was his friend.
Goddess, he couldn’t really lie to himself anymore. She was far more than a friend to him, and he’d almost lost her.
Link dragged his feet towards the palace. Of the four locations they’d helped free from Ganon’s hold, Zora’s Domain was the most fortified and therefore the safest, so it is where the majority of them were staying to recover until they could plan things out better in the morning. Mipha had been whisked away by her people upon exiting Van Ruta, and Link hadn’t seen her since.
He was allowed easy access to the palace, having visited Mipha multiple times and befriended her family (or, really, King Dorephan had essentially adopted him, he was so charismatically extroverted). The older Prince Sidon was excitedly talking to the king, missing Link entirely for he moment and giving him a chance to sneak into Mipha’s room.
He knocked, clearing his throat nervously (he wanted to see her, genuinely, but going to her bedroom seemed… inappropriate). Initially he heard nothing, and he worried a little more, cracking the door and calling her name softly. Silence was the answer, and he finally peeked around the door to see an empty room.
Where was she? Her family wasn’t distressed at all, so she couldn’t be in worse shape than he thought, right? Did they even know she wasn’t in here?
Link walked into the room quietly, closing the door behind him, examining everything. Mipha’s jewelry was on her little vanity - she always wore it when she went out, unless…
The one time Link saw her without her jewelry was when they’d agreed to sneak out at night - she’d commented that at the least, the headdress was too noisy for such a venture.
Wait. Surely she didn’t…
Narrowing his eyes, Link moved towards the window by the shallow waters where she likely rested. Looking out, he could just make out the area they’d designated for triaging the injured.
He had a funny feeling he knew where she was. Link climbed out of the window, crawling along the side of the palace so he could avoid scrutiny, and then hastily made his way back to the medical encampment. He saw a flesh of red, and he followed it to…
His father’s bed. Where Mipha sat, hands glowing, slowly working on healing his wounds. For his part, Link’s father was fast asleep, having been just as exhausted as everyone else - it was why Link had gone to be with Zelda and comfort her, as he’d felt fairly useless hovering anxiously over the man.
Mipha seemed to notice the scrutiny and glanced up, jumping, startled. “Link!”
He was relieved to see her on her feet, so relieved. After their last encounter—goddess, she looked so much better.
But she was still tired. So, inevitably, the first thing out of his mouth was, “Why aren’t you resting?”
He wanted to kick himself. He should be thanking her for looking after his father, asking her how she’s feeling instead of just scolding her.
But he was scared, tired, and angry too - why didn’t Mipha ever let herself get a break?
The entire situation was crashing down on him, and he didn’t know wha to do with all the emotions he was feeling. He didn’t want to take them out on Mipha, though, so he tried to keep his mouth shut and was nearly mortified to instead feel his eyes stinging with tears of frustration.
The magic glowing over his father subsided, and Mipha hugged herself a little insecurely. “I… I’d already been unable to assist any of the other Champions. I was resting, Link, but when I saw so many injured coming in, I knew the others would need help.”
“You were unable to help because you’d almost died,” Link argued, his voice shaking. “Everyone almost died.”
Mipha swallowed, easily reading how close Link was to falling apart. She clearly was shaken as well—he could only imagine what it felt like to have been so close to death. He saw his friend bite her lip uncertainly, hands wringing in front of her. “T-they did. I… Link, I promised… I promised I’d protect you, and I almost failed.”
Link felt his breath get stolen away. She… he didn’t know what to say, only that he wanted to tell her over and over that this wasn’t somehow her fault.
“I knew,” Mipha continued quietly, and now her own voice shook. “I… I figured I would be the weakest Champion. I was prepared to die if it was to happen. But… I…”
Mipha sniffled, inhaling steadily to try and calm herself, closing her eyes. Link moved towards her in an instant, dragging her into a hug.
His mind and heart were screaming.
What kind of thing was that to say - I figured I would be the weakest Champion, was prepared to die—had Mipha truly expected not to survive the encounter with Ganon? Yet she’d pushed forward anyway, had promised to protect and heal Link—
He didn’t know what to say, what to do, how to feel. He was horrified and terrified and felt so awful for her, he wanted to hold her for the rest of his life and tell her over and over that she had done nothing wrong, that she was an incredible fighter, that he would protect her. Mipha was trembling in his arms, crying quietly, finally letting her own stress out, and Link found himself crying too.
Words came forth before he knew what he was saying, genuine and raw and desperate to be heard. “I love you.”
Mipha’s sniffles turned to outright sobs, and she slid her arms around him. Link rested his head atop hers, cheek pressed against smooth scales, tears slowly sliding downward.
“Link, I—I’m s-sorry—”
Please don’t be.
“We’re at w-war—and I—”
“I know,” he whispered.
He let her cry for a while longer, he let himself cry. He was too drained to figure out how to proceed, to worry about protocol or anything of the sort. He just wanted to be with her, to comfort her and let her hold him in return. He wanted this nightmare to be over, and for a moment, it was just them.
As their tears slowed, the pair slowly, hesitantly pulled apart.
Mipha spoke first, trying to get a hold of herself. “Thank you… thank you for saving me on Vah Ruta.”
Goddess, did she even need to thank him for such a thing? He countered, “Thank you for healing me so many times, for always being there. I… Mipha, I’ll always protect you. I promise.”
Mipha watched him a moment, smiling as a blush stained her white cheeks red. She looked down at her hands, suddenly seeming to remember her usually far more shy nature. “Did… did you mean it…?”
Link blinked, confused. “Mean—why wouldn’t I mean—”
“O-oh, no!” Mipha interrupted, waving her hands. “I mean—I know you would protect me, Link, we’re friends after all, and you’re a Hero and—”
Oh. He knew what she was asking.
Of… of course he meant it. He’d just… been not addressing it. Because… well…
They’d been friends when they were children. And he’d liked her a lot then too. More than any of the other Zora. He was attracted to her kindness, her compassionate heart, her silliness and desire to help. Before his little mind and heart knew what such a love was, he already loved her. Now that they were both older, that feeling had matured, and…
Link swallowed, grabbing hold of his courage. “Yes. I meant it. I love you.”
His words derailed Mipha’s stuttered rambling. The silence gave him an opportunity to continue, saying, “You’re not weak. You gave that blight everything you had. You’re an excellent fighter.”
“Link…” she muttered, clearly unsure what to say, but then she giggled, bubbly and emotional as it was, her eyes glistening with tears. “I…”
Link suddenly felt insecure, suddenly felt like maybe he shouldn’t quite have said everything he had. But he’d… she deserved to be comforted, if nothing else. But maybe he shouldn’t have said…
“I love you too,” Mipha finally replied.
…Oh. Oh.
Oh.
Did he… did she… they…
She actually said it?!
Mipha having some sort of strong feelings for Link had been somewhat apparent for a little while now. Her tripping over herself around him had been downright endearing, honestly. But given that she’d never admitted it, Link had figured it was because it was entirely inappropriate, or that perhaps her feelings were not the same as his. But her—she actually—
He… he really wanted to kiss her. Instead, he just felt himself blush.
A heavy sigh resounded from behind them, and both teenagers nearly jumped out of their skin.
Whirling, they turned to see Abel staring at them under heavy lidded eyes, looking exhausted and exasperated at the same time.
“Papa!” Link gasped, rushing to his father’s side, and Mipha was quick on his heels. “Are you alright?”
“I’m about as well as you appear to be,” his father replied, and he could sense the judgment from the man. He sucked in a cheek and bit on it, sheepish at being called out, but it wasn’t as if he’d had a chance to rest quiet yet. He’d wanted to check on Mipha, and then all this had happened.
“I’m so sorry, Sir Abel, I didn’t finish healing your wounds,” Mipha hastily said, moving to the other side of the bed to get a better view.
“Your Highness, that’s unnecessary,” Abel waved her off as respectfully as he could in his state. “I appreciate your singular resolve to heal everyone - you are a good person, and a testament to the Zora’s compassion. But I… have a favor to ask of Your Highness, if you’ll allow me this.”
“Yes, of course,” Mipha nodded eagerly, putting a hand on his shoulder. It was an automatic gesture, born from a kind heart, always eager to soothe, even if it was a little odd for her to be doing it to the seasoned knight. “What is it?”
“Rest,” Abel replied. It was disguised as a request, kind and gentle, but there was the slightest heaviness to his tone, one that Link knew intimately. This was a command, in the only way that the quiet knight could offer to a princess far above his station.
Mipha swallowed, mirroring Link’s sheepish reaction, and let out a small laugh. “A-ah. Well. I—I suppose I could use a little more rest, but the others—perhaps I can do so after I help—”
“You would be disregarding my request, then, princess,” Abel noted carefully.
Mipha’s mouth snapped shut. Link almost laughed - his father got her.
He’d have to remember that trick
Sighing heavily in defeat, Mipha bowed her head. “Well, I—yes. I’ll just—I’ll go back to the palace, then. Sir Abel, I—I’m sorry I wasn’t able to heal you fully before I go, but I—”
“Mipha,” Link interrupted pleadingly. “Please, don’t be sorry. You’ve done more than enough, I promise.”
His dear friend watched him before smiling gently, genuinely, lovingly. He smiled back at her, heart warming. They exchanged a quiet promise to continue their conversation later, and Mipha excused herself.
Abel sighed heavily again. Link glanced at him, worried. “Papa?”
“You two are ridiculous,” his father grumbled. “If Tilieth had been just as shy as me, you would have never been born.”
Link felt his cheeks scald with heat. “P-Papa!”
His father didn’t comment further, respecting his privacy, but he did yank him into a hug, holding him hostage in the bed with him until the Hero of Hyrule settled in his embrace. Zora’s Domain quieted as evening came, and everyone settled in to rest for the war to come.
Despite the dread hanging in the air, Link smiled, feeling lighter than he had in ages, heart full as Mipha’s words repeated in his mind, as he was safe in his father’s embrace.
I love you too.
#writing#You ask Skye answers#Lovely snailstudios#Miphlink#age of calamity#age of calamity link#AoC link#mipha#abel#you know I tried to just make it the two of them#But Abel somehow squeezed in there#I feel like an adult needed to get these two morons to progress their conversation LOL#Abel was trying his DARNDEST to just pretend to be asleep after their crying woke him up#He was trying to respect their privacy and not interfere#But he got too exasperated LOL#It’s fun exploring Mipha’s character#Girl was preparing her entire family for her death it’s so sad and interesting about her#She just wants to help so much#Darn I was gonna line this up with a Miphlink prompt and that failed LOL#Oh well it’s Miphlink week I think when I’m scheduling this so there’s that
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i don't know why, but in the sparse five hours of sleep i got last night, my brain decided to plague me with dreams of lilia taking care of an elderly silver, up until the final moments of his life. i could hear silver's thoughts the whole time, and he was so absolutely inundated with shame and guilt it almost seemed like he was suffocating. he kept thinking over and over and over again that this all should've been the other way around. he should've been the one looking after his father in the twilight of his life. he should've been his aging father's rock, his safe place to land, his stalwart defender against a world so unbelievably cruel to its most vulnerable denizens. again and again his heart cried out in vain, it should've been the other way around.
as a child he had once wished - prayed, even, to the same force now threatening to reclaim his spirit back into its unconscious designs - for his father to live a long and prosperous life, and it was as though that very wish had backfired on him in a way he never could have possibly imagined
#twst silver#lilia vanrouge#twst spoilers#twst#mumbles#txt#i hate it here#i litearlly woke up crying you gusy dont unerstand#he was so ashamed of himself but not once in my dream was lilia anything less than happy to take care of him#i feel like part of the reason lilia is trying to run away is because like so many of our elderly and our disabled#he didn't want his loved ones to worry about him and “waste” their time taking care of him#so he thought the best decision for everyone would be if he just went off to go die alone#i have no idea if twst would actually touch on something like that but i do think you could interepret his departure that way#anyways if any of you have caretakers or aides or just are disabled in anyway#i want you to know you are not and have never been and never will be a burden on anyone or anything#and that i love you so so much#im getting so emotional over a dream fkjgh but i want silver to understand that good parents dont have kids expecting that#their children will someday “pay them back” for everythinng they did for them growing up!! u don't owe ur parents jack shit!!#silver you just existing as you are is enough for your father!!!
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I have so many Thoughts I wanna say before I move on from the Public Safety Arc. There'll be manga spoilers by the way.
To be honest, I put off watching Chainsaw Man when I heard the protagonist's sole aim in life is to... touch boobs. I thought Denji was just like any other shonen MCs with perverted tendencies. I tried watching because it was animated by Mappa, but I stayed because of Aki, Denji, and Power (and Meowy). But as I reached the ending of Public Safety Arc, I realized Denji's more complex than that.
All his life Denji was deprived of basic needs; he couldn't even afford the bare minimum. He didn't get to experience love from a parent or admiration from his peers. Denji craved so much for love and affection, but the only way he knew how to get that was through sexual intimacy with a woman. Receiving affection from friends is completely foreign to him. That's why when he and Power did that in the bathroom, Denji's like, "Wait a minute... that's it?" Deep down Denji knew there's more to love than that—there's more to affection than just touching breasts. The moment he started to realize that, Makima just had to twist his mind and turn him back to his sexual urges (screw u for that makima btw).
Throughout the whole arc, Denji continued to believe in his idea that love is just about touch and sex. He ran after women after women who fulfilled that but left him feeling hollowed because, well, they tried to kill him afterwards. It's actually entertaining to watch Denji finally gets his first kiss only to get barfed on the mouth and his second got his tongue cut off. And Makima, the woman he truly loved, not only used him but also discarded him when she got what she wanted. Most of those women don't see Denji as more than a dog. Denji is just some dumb boy who doesn't deserve the normal life he's having.
But Denji really is just some boy. But he's Aki and Power's boy. There's nothing special about him. Aki and Power know that because they looked beyond the Chainsaw—they saw Denji as he is, and accepted him. People treated Denji like a dog and no one saw his worth as a person. But not Aki and Power. Aki gave him a house, taught him and Power manners, cooked for them, and taught him how to cook. Aki treated Denji and Power as his own. And Power, as unhinged and selfish as she is (affectionate), relied so much on Denji. I think that trust taught him to be a better person. To have someone rely on you can make you feel loved and respected. That's why helping Power overcome the fear of the Darkness Devil felt so natural to him. Sleeping with her on the same bed, taking a bath together, and Power walking in on him while he's on the toilet didn't feel naughty (as Denji said). The love Denji's searching for everywhere has always been in front of him: Aki and Power.
Makima can tell Denji she fabricated everything for all I care, saying everything has been a lie and that she set it all up to destroy Denji's mind and heart. But what Aki and Power felt toward Denji was real because they were the only ones who truly loved Denji without asking for anything in return. They saw him as he is, and loved him.
My precious children 🥺🥺🥺 I'm going to miss them
#the first Thoughts I had the moment I woke up#I'm a sucker for found family especially strangers turning into siblings#i really like how the love denji's looking for is just right there in front of him cooking him dinner and playing video games with him#he doesn't need to look further and compared with makima who'd only give “affection” to denji if he does what she orders#aki and power willingly give it all for denji without asking for anything in return. their love for him isn't transactional#that's why it hits so different when power's contract is “come find me” that really made me cry fr#she's asking denji “let's be together again. let's have fun again so come find me”#and aki was willing to give up his life long goal of taking down the gun devil if it meant saving denji and power#he knew denji and power are stronger than him but he joined the mission to protect them. not to get revenge on the gun devil#aki was planning to live his remaining weeks with denji and power. if he had spoken up about that maybe the two would understand#but aki got this Older Sibling Trying Not To Burden the Younger Ones. bro if you had told them you only have weeks to live#they'd do something to help you. you're their personal chef you keep them well fed ofc they'll help you#but alas tragedy makes character develop#chainsaw man#csm spoilers
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well that's the worst nightmare I've had in a while
#we were at the grocery store and a shooter came in. my sibling and i were separated at the time.#they died. and i was theone to find their body afterward. so. that fucking sucked.#woke up and strted to cry bc i thought it was real for a second#dream journal#edit bc i dont eant to reblog it to say this but ive had time to process it now#i was the only fucking person who cared that xe died. the dream cut to after the shooter was arrested and we were preparing for xer funeral#i think the dream implied that yhe shooter was an ex employee at the store and my dad and i were trying to like. talk to the owners about Y#Your Ex Employee Killed My Fucking Sibling#and the manager or boss or ehoever just. didnt care. didnt have any sympathy#my dad was there. but he didnt speak. i had to beg the managet to feel anything for the child who was shot and killed in his store.#to pay for xer funeral? i dont know.#we were there getting a blind bag toy xe had talked aout going to get irl since it was a short walk there really#i was looking for those pink chocolate chips.#to make cookies fro my friends#thats why i eoke up thinking it was real i think#most of my set-in-reality nightmares hinge on something that Cant happen anymore. this one was based on Recent Events and Planned Events#i had woken up just before six. when xe gets up for school. so i stared crying bc Oh My God Xe's Dead Xe's Never Going To Go To School Again#i dont think ive looked them in the face at all today.
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screaming into the void <3
#my best friends boyfriend (who i’ve also been friends with for years) is just. not himself rn#we think it’s a manic episode but we don’t really know but it’s. terrifying lowkey#he thinks he’s genuinely jesus and that he’s conquered time and that he and my bsf are adam and eve#he’s been sending my bsf liek hundreds of texts per day since tuesday but it got really really bad and incoherent yesterday#and i woke up this morning to see multiple texts from gcs he created w me in them#and he keeps being like ‘because it’s 6:20 this is true’ and like ‘i know that at 9 pm everyone is gonna understand’#and he’ll text like 5 times then send a sc of what he just texted like that proves something but it’s all nonsense#i’m just really really concerned cause he really needs help but i don’t know how to ensure that happens cause he’s 19. not a minor#he’s just. not him rn. he’s called my bsf multiple times yesterday when he HATES calling normally#he had his band and his mom over in his apartment yesterday cause my bsf called his mom and h went to his bands show but was visibly not ok#and he saw nothing weird about it even tho he hates having ppl over normally and never without warning#and you can’t get him to see logic because everything you say he just twists around to work for him#to be clear it was not this bad when it started. when it started it seemed like normally maybe slightly out there conclusions he was drawing#but it just got worse and worse like exponential decay and really bad yesterday#he also didn’t sleep at all yesterday night and idk if he slept tonight#i know his mom took his phone at one point but he texted me and gcs w me in it starting at like 6:20 this morning#and my bsf and i and friends are on a trip out of state rn but we’re leaving today and i don’t wanna wake her up until i have to because#this is literally hell for her. but it’s just. scary. i don’t know what to do. i don’t think there’s any good options really for me rn#i want to warn ppl and try to explain he’s Not Him rn so they don’t get concerned but who knows if they’ll understand what i’m trying to say#i know it’s not the end of the world but it really feels like the end of my world as i know it if that makes sense#and my bsf lives with him in an apartment near their college and they just signed the lease for the next year#but she can’t stay there with him alone. not until he gets help. we’re all too scared it’s going in the directon where he thinks it’s better#for ppl to go to the afterlife. which like he never would normally. but he’s Not Him and so like. who knows#he keeps talking about all these different dimensions and how you need to travel to the 7th dimension to understand#my bsf was crying yesterday and she called her mom to explain and she keeps saying that she just wants her jake back it’s really scary#cause he will probably never be the same again. he’ll be similar but different but she wants his comfort but he’s Not Him. and can’t give it#i just. really want this to get better but it’s so hard to see that happening rn
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i just woke up n i feel so bad both mentally and physically i dont know whats going on
#this is the worst ive felt in so long#my anxiety is at a an all time high it is fully governing my brain rn all i can think about is everything i did wrong socially yesterday#i feel nauseous in my body n my head#just ag.u..... i want it to end i want it gone#it feels like my heart is attacking me frm inside#im also still sososo tired i dont know why i woke up so early it's only 3am#im gonna try n smoke myself into falling back to sleep i guess o(-<#i just want 2 cry everything hurts#i also woke up w bad acid reflux i think because i forgot to eat yesterday except for a cherry coke#i miss when i used to be able to do that regularly#i miss when my body allowed me 2 treat it like shit#i cant even drink water it hurts so bad o(-<
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AHHHHHHHHHHHHG
#feeling like ive been run over by a lorry#partly cause i woke up this morning after a horrific nightmare#so i tried to be nice to myself and sort of just keep going with my day#and then i feel so shit after doing a bit of studying that my arms start to stop working#and my brain feels like its melting#and im like ooh those are warning signs right#that means i need to take a break and do some self care#so i go into my siblings room and try and do some work there#and then it doesnt work cause i just cant concentrate and im shutting down#then i realise im on my period#so then i have a 2 hour nap#and now ive eaten something and drank something and taken paracetamol and have a heatpad and am not alone#so we're getting towards better 👍#maybe ill try and do some maths or maybe ill do something else to make me feel better#i want to cry and possibly explode#but its fiiiiine#anyway#rambles#cult rambles#tw vent#vent post
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they call me the griever because halfway through a thing I enjoy I’m already sad that it’s closer to being over
#blue chatter#trying to work on not doing this#and just enjoying the thing in the moment#this happens to me a lot with school breaks and such#like ‘oh I love being on spring break but I’m sad bc I’m already 3 days in’#‘oh I love summer vacation so far it’s too bad it’s already a month over’#and I’m like NO!!!!! blue!!!!!!!! you’re missing the point!!!!!!!!#you have the joy *right now* and you are SPOILING IT bc you’re too busy looking ahead to when it will be gone!!!!!!!!!#it happens with friend visits a lot. it’s less bad now but it still happens.#like. the first time I visited friends over spring break I woke up in the early morning of the last morning and just cried#because I only had a few hours left before I had to get on the plane home#and I start hurriedly stuffing seconds and minutes into my mouth and refusing to swallow#because maybe if I just cling extra hard then the time won’t pass-#but it does pass. and that’s okay. and I know that’s okay because life had more joyful things after that moment#had I stayed there on that day I would have been frozen as a much more miserable person#my friends themselves would have been very different people#I mean. fuck. between then and now two of us figured out our genders. both of them got married. they moved somewhere else now.#there’s a lot of little joys that got left behind there. a church they loved. a local park. mountains and windy streets.#but I wouldn’t hold ourselves there. which I try to remind myself when I start crying about lost time again#because yeah. this will end someday. human lifespans aren’t infinite.#but the future is full of life I still have to live. there’s no saying that I can’t have good things again.#and this period of my life is rapidly rushing towards a much more uncertain future and I know that and it’s scary#I know I have about 11 months to make several very adult decisions that will determine a lot of my future#but no matter what I choose this period of my life is not wasted#and I don’t need to hurriedly optimize every second and mourn losing them#and I know that. and I still feel sad and mourny. but that might be more indicative that I’m hungry or smth.
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hey just a reminder that sometimes you have to accept that you’re going to have to have feelings without a filter, and you’re going to have to tell people that you care about them, and you’re going to have to start saying i love you. if you want affection and love and adoration you cannot close yourself off forever and ever. keep up your walls as you must to protect yourself but not forever. and if you feel like you can’t ever let them down then i’m sorry. i hope you find someone that makes you feel safe enough to start saying and feeling these things.
#lolaa.txt#little thing about emotions.#i’m not affectionate. not really.#im a deflector and i laugh off affection and love a lot#and all it has ever done for me is push away people who want to help me so so badly.#and it’s a slow change. slowwwww. the tiniest steps .#and i go back so often.#today my boyfriend said he missed me and that i was pretty when i woke up and i told him i was going to never speak to him again#because i cannot accept these things and it so so hard to say that i appreciate it#but i know i know he needs to hear it and he needs to feel appreciated yknow?#and im working on it im trying so hard#especially when you have been fucked over for saying your feelings in the past. it’s hard. it’s so hard. and i’m sorry#just. tell your friends you love them. tell people when you’re excited or happy.#smile when you get to do fun things. laugh at jokes! scream and yell and cry and hit things and grin and be out there#numbness will not fix what problems you have. it won’t.#it’s comfortable but you can’t have love without discomfort sometimes#sorry about all this i’m just . i’m having a bad day and it’s really hard today to be open to everyone#so this is my try#i am upset. and i miss my friends. and i love my mom and i am also mad at her because i am frustrated with the world right now.#and i am tired but because its tiring to force myself to exist and feel#i need to relearn how to be a child about it#and that’s okay#that’s all ; sorry for the long tags. thank you for being here
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urgh you know that post about "people who weren't abused don't wish they were abused"
I'm having a real fun night wrestling with that
#add these together real quick for me#high expectations plus high capability but executive dysfunction making me fail at school for 17 years 12 grades and one year of college#fucked sleep cycle bc i was recovering from school so late into the night that i rarely got more than 6-7 hours meaning i woke up sleepy#for all of high school needing to run to school to not be late so on top of waking up late I'm also exhausted when i get to school#having friends but no real close friends *in* school plus a bad relationship giving me serious abandonment issues#and dealing with parents and family that constantly Know Better Than Me especially when im being political#plus ADHD making it difficult for me to argue effectively or even converse for a long time bc i lose focus and space out way too easily#i don't. i. i just. urgh. i know i'm a bit of a basket case but i don't have to like it#...can't even cuddle my blahaj right now... hell world hell world hell world#i think i will simply try to cry. i say try bc i spent years suppressing my ability to cry bc i was supposed to Be A Man and Men Don't Cry#so that'll probably fail. but ill try anyway. and put on some music#then fall asleep and hope that i wake up feeling a little better#...i think im an optimist bc pessimism would kill me
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this is the same feeling i had when i read about the kerala case...
#like. just despair and hopelessness#like is anything ever going to get better how is some people simply existing and trying to make their small#happy lives cause so much hate that you want them to die???#and a mind numbing sense of anxiety and terror and not being able to think about anything else#i hate this this doesn't even affect me directly except maybe like yeah climate change is gonna get worse people were already#dying from heatwaves and summer will be even more hellish now#but still i can't stop thinking reading wanting to cry#it's just#such a huge loss of hope#when i woke up this morning i was actually excited like yay the us is gonna have it's first woman president and she's of indian#origin we'll be so proud#growing up is really taking out chunks of my naivety wide eyed belief that good triumps evil#hopefully when i wake up it'll feel bearable because for now i can't even breathe under this
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My brain is full of bees and I know the solution is not to set the whole thing on fire but by god would it be easier
#personal#personal post#I KNOW the things I should be doing#I know how to fight depression I know I know#I just can’t right now#right now I just have to live in the hope and knowledge that it will pass#because if I try to leave my own brain to solve it#it will not be good I will only get worse#I’m so frustrated because I woke up early and could’ve done stuff#I don’t know how to move past my frustration with myself#don’t know whether crying or feeling nothing is better#ugh#depression#my brain is full of bees
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#several months ago i had a dream i was sitting with my mom and my sister came in and sat down next to me#and i was surprised but happy to see her but in the dream i couldn't figure out why i was surprised to see her#it wasn't until i woke up that I remembered she was gone and I'll never see her again#i want to go back to having dreams like that#sometime after i had a dream that she'd somehow come back to life and it was a frantic scramble to get her to my brothers place#so that he could see her before anyone else found out but i woke up before we got to his place#and just now i woke up from a dream where we were essentially having a graveside memorial thing#but she was standing next to me and I could see and hear her but no one else could#and she was moving around trying to talk to other family members- including her husband- but they just couldnt hear her#and i had no way of helping them hear her so i just felt useless#these are the most vivid dreams I've ever had and i always wake up crying#im giving myself a headache from crying and I haven't even gotten out of bed yet#kee speaks
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